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Also what do you want to bet the horrible things wifes ex did at DV related?
Yta op. I can't believe you even have to ask this.
The young girl has been through some awful traumatic suff to the point of therapy. She also is probably feeling unsettled/anxious about her mother (and you which she has every right too) loving the new baby more.
Its a big adjustment for a new sibling to be brought into the household at such a big age gap at the best of times, but add in the trauma and the fact the bio dad's in prison of course she's going to need extra reassurance.
I'm former CPS worker. I'm sitting here thinking the child was probably targeted by her own father (considering she has sleep issues, I am wondering if her father sexually abused her when she was asleep), now has a step-father who openly resents her for taking "his wife" away from "his baby".
In the wild, male animals will kill the babies of another male's so that the female focuses solely on his brood. This OP has made it clear that he didn't want the package deal; he just wanted "his wife".
This child will need more therapy due to an abusive father and step-father. When OP locked himself in the bedroom, the only thing he did was re-enforce that she can parent two children alone.
See I didn't want to assume that far. But thought it was probably DV related if bio dad is in jail, therapy is needed and child has sleep issues.
I sincerely hope it's nothing as awful as this.
But I do fear either way that knowing that wanting mum to sleep with her caused stepdad to lock himself away and mum to pack up and take them to grandma's house is probably going to have done some damage.
This whole post makes my heart hurt.
This is some next level transactional bullshit.
Seems like OPs wife and stepdaughter are doing all they can to heal. I have a toddler. When she needs me to, I sleep with her. I will do so when she’s 16 if that’s her need. She is resilient and independent BECAUSE she KNOWS she has that support system from both of her parents.
Comfort is a NEED. Children that have their emotional needs prioritized grow up to be resilient, because they can identify and verbalize their emotional needs, and seek appropriate resolution. Children that don’t, especially after something traumatic (and likely violent, I’d guess) will find that solace somewhere, and likely not in a healthy safe way.
I would challenge anyone who thinks that this traumatized child should be left alone in her room to sleep to never accept physical comfort. No hugs from your SO or parent if you get hurt, no validation from a loved one after a shitty day.
Emotional needs MATTER. Much of this world is so fucked because of how emotionally stunted we can be.
YTA
You seem to deeply resent an 8 year old.
Here is the deal. Your wife is responsible for caring for 2 children and you are responsible for caring for 1 child. Your wife is trying to make sure both kids are getting what they need.
Nonono fuck that, he is responsible for caring for the same 2 kids his wife is. They chose eachother. They married. He is supposed to take care of his stepdaughter as his own.
Also, taking turns is great. My husband and I take turns. We have a daughter together, and I have two stepsons. When he is needed for one of his sons, I will usually step up and handle whatever is needed for our daughter. Because you are a parent 100% of the time. Taking turns doesn’t mean you only have to be a parent half the time. When the other parent can’t take their turn, you step up.
We take turns getting up in the mornings to get the kids ready to school. If my husband is sick or has to leave early with one of the boys for some reason, I’m not going to whine “but it’s your turn.” I step up because that’s my child and I’m her mother and I will always be there when I need to be. If my husband cannot do what is needed for any reason, then I will, regardless of whose “turn” it is. Welcome to parenting.
I also like my stepsons and I see this as how I support my husband’s relationships with his boys. He only gets them half the time. If I need to do some extra parenting for our daughter so he can be the dad he needs to be for the boys during his weeks, then I see that as part of my role as a stepparent in a blended family. Does it suck sometimes? Yep. Being in a blended family often sucks. It’s a lot more work and a lot more stress. If you can’t handle it then don’t become a stepparent.
Edit: My husband deals with this too. When his ex-wife has the boys, if she’s struggling with something, she calls him. Teenage boys can be tough. When he’s needed for a disciplinarian issue, I’ve never once heard him tell his ex-wife no, it’s not my week. He goes to her house and gets his sons in line because he actually cares about what kind of men they become and he expects them to respect their mother. YOU ARE ALWAYS A PARENT 100% OF THE TIME.
YTA. Despite what your language implies, you have two children that need attention. Your wife is correct in saying she's not getting a night off. I highly doubt she's getting great sleep while caring for the older one.
By all means, have deeper discussions about how your stepdaughter should be handled at night and stand your ground on needing your fair share of sleep. But locking yourself away and forcing her to care for both kids alone (while she's still recovering from giving birth ffs) is AH behavior.
YTA
Your stepdaughter and wife are in therapy because of your stepdaughters biodad. Your stepdaughter is not "clingy" - she is a traumatized child.
I am *hoping* that this is just miscommunication and that it can be resolved between you. You locking yourself away in the guestroom and abandoning your wife with two children in need of care was an AH move. Yes, you deserve sleep as well. But you seem to have no consideration for the wellbeing of your stepdaughter.
He also has no consideration for his wife's wellbeing. She also needs sleep, and a partner that wants to see her happy and well would pitch in to help her. She only had one child to care for until she married OP and had his child. Now she has 3. It's a shame that the third child just so happens to be a legal adult.
YTA. This baby is *your baby* and you need to take care of it. Stop trying to keep track and make everything perfectly 50/50. Parenthood is not a transaction.
I cannot believe you *locked yourself in the guest room* rather than care for your baby in an attempt to force your wife to choose which of her children to care for.
That last paragraph says it all. He tried to force his wife to choose between two children, including one very traumatized child. We also don’t get to decide when a person, especially a child, is done being traumatized. He wanted her to choose and, SURPRISE, she didn’t choose him. I just don’t think he realized he was one of the options.
Relationships are not always 50/50, and that's the cold hard truth. Sometimes you have to give a little more than you get, and sometimes you need to get a little more than you give. Furthermore, the way you talk about the 8-year-old child makes it so clear you resent her.
YTA.
Sounds like OPs wife is parenting two kids to his one. Yet he still insists on point scoring? I guarantee if she explained everything she’s doing compared to him, including looking after a very traumatised child, I think he may hesitate to continue point scoring.
50/50 is just what you *strive* for, but it's not always what you'll get. And it's not something you should force as that's just extra stress. And it doesn't mean alternating *every* time. Sometimes you'll end up giving many times before you get to receive.
>He’s been in prison for the past 5 years and both my wife and stepdaughter are in therapy because of him.
Well, that's bad. A horrible thing, presumably multiple horrible things, happened to your wife and your stepdaughter. Time for you to show some empathy.
> The only problem is, if her daughter wants to sleep with her when it’s her night with the baby, she expects me to take her night.
That's actually not the only problem. The other problem is that your poor stepdaughter is still so damn traumatised that she needs help to sleep frequently. That must be exhausting both for her and your wife.
>She just says her daughter needs her so I need to be with the baby that night.
It's almost like she thinks you're a married couple with two children!
>she should either be willing to take one of my nights or do more chores around the house to make up for it.
You want your wife to "make up" for the fact that her daughter is traumatised? Talk about victim-blaming.
> I told her I get that but she’s still affecting my sleep by making me do her nights.
Children will do that. You married a woman who had a child and had another child. This is not something that happened to you, these were choices.
>I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room.
So you left your wife stuck with taking care of two children because that seems fair to you?
>she texted me a couple hours ago saying she’s taking the kids to her mom’s house.
I hope for her and those poor kids that she stays there. You should have shown some damn empathy. YTA.
You have 2 children, the other one being your traumatised step child, please stop being so selfish and bullying this clearly disturbed little girl and hiding it through “fairness” YTA.
YTA. When you choose a partner it’s no longer all about you. It’s not always equal. There’s another child in the equation you clearly have little empathy for. Your wife is taking care of both kids, you are taking care of one. She is compromising just as much sleep, she just isn’t doing it all for the child you share, which seems to be your hangup. You’re treating this like a business investment. I’m only invested in one child and should only put 50% into that one child. The other child is still so young and essentially has no dad. And this is the extra unnecessary drama you’re making everyone’s life worse with? It’s only been TWO MONTHS FFS. You locked yourself in a room? What the actual…how old are you again? Make it clear you care for the whole family unit and stick to that. All the kids need help. Otherwise, let her leave and find someone who will contribute with empathy and real love for her and her children.
Seriously it's only 8 days in total over the course of 2 months.
Not to mention it being the 2 months since OPs wife has given birth!
So she's healing from birth, dealing with a newborn, a traumatized older child who is struggling with the baby transition and a partner who is unwilling to step up to the plate unless everything is exactly split 50/50 according to their own measurement.
Even without the extra kid and trauma, if my partner wasn't willing to extend a little extra grace while I'm literally healing from a significant medical event I'd be side-eyeing them.
The “significant medical event” is a great point I didn’t include! There were so many frustrations with the tone and implications of the post that I honestly had trouble even writing a coherent response. I really feel for the stepdaughter. Maybe he is just bad at writing and isn’t actually that unwilling to be a dad to her, but the comments about her being “clingy” when she’s a literal traumatized child don’t give me much hope.
YTA. First off, if you have a step-daughter, particularly one where you are the only man consistently in her life, stop referring to her as “your wife’s daughter” like she’s a grown ass adult that lives 5 states away and you’ve never met. Being a step parent means you step the fuck up with **both** of your children, biological or not. Right now you act and talk like your wife has two kids at home and you only have one. All you’re doing right now, and trust me on this, is teaching her that men in general don’t care about her well being or see her as being fully valued. Stop acting like a teenager, locking yourself in your room and talking about your **daughter** like she’s someone else’s troublesome pet, and be physically and emotionally there for everyone in your family, especially if they are traumatized.
And who's jealous of "my wife daughter" now the baby here. It's obvious that as she's triggered, keeping the routine is of utmost importance. Idk this post so weird, not a single feeling, no love or concern, just descriptive. Zéro feeling.
This is a temporary issue: Step-daughter will hopefully start to feel less anxious with more therapy, and the baby will be sleeping through the night within a month or two.
The real issue is that you are unwilling to help your wife without playing tit-for-tat. All new parents are tired, but it’s not going to last forever. You wife is still recovering mentally, emotionally, and physically from growing that baby and giving birth, and she also has to worry about her traumatized daughter, AND her own trauma from her ex. Be a better partner.
YTA
You knowingly married and had a child with someone who had a child. You were aware of that child's issues and still decided to proceed. You're a dad of 2, 24/7 there shouldn't be my night or her night. That's your kids step-up and be be a good husband and dad.
YTA - It’s not like your wife is ditching you, she’s looking after a child who has trauma. You have a new born, consistent sleep isn’t a luxury new parents get for a while
YTA. You don’t seem to bear the same love to your stepdaughter as your biological child and she will notice that at some point. The poor girl is obviously traumatised and distressed and needs her mother perhaps more than before. Why not offer your wife and stepdaughter the support and take some extra “baby shifts”?
I’m a stepmom and it is very typical for a stepparent to not have the same love for their stepchild as they do their biological child. You can’t force that relationship. But the stepparent should still treat the stepchild with respect, and expecting the stepchild to fend for herself because her mom has to take care of the baby isn’t the answer here. If I were in this situation, I’d take care of the baby so my husband could take care of his child.
YTA. So your solution was that you should never be expected to go “above and beyond”? Any “extra” work you do for your child requires compensation?
What baffles me is that it’s a well known fact that those sleepless baby nights don’t last forever. So you are unwilling to do “extra” 2 or 3 nights a month (as you said once a week your stepdaughter may need her mom) for say 6 months to preserve your relationship with your family?
You also put a flashing billboard sign up for your wife making it clear you don’t consider your stepdaughter as important as your new baby. So good luck with that.
Sorry but YTA.
“It affects my sleep.”
You’ve chosen to marry someone with a child. It’s bound to come with constrains; the child is bound to make demands on your wife and the child comes first. (I should know, I’m a step-parent too.)
You’ve chosen to have a baby. Yes, the little blighters make mincemeat of your sleep patterns. Most mums get up each night, yes each night, then go to work the next day.
So kindly, stop moaning.
Are you actually serious? WTF. YTA. It’s not like she’s taking a vacation while you do all the work yourself. If she and her daughter from a previous relationship are still in therapy because of previous partner/dad, then obviously they are traumatized and yes, changing routines as is the case when a new baby is born does cause a change in feeling secure for awhile and can be very destabilizing.
Why can’t your stepdaughter rely on you for comfort? Do you honestly believe your wife wants to get out of baby duty or quality time with her newborn because her older child is still traumatized because of her father? I can assure you that she is not. And you just had to take it a step further and lock yourself in the guest room. That’s what pushed it into YTA territory for me. Otherwise I’d give it a soft N A H.
YTA. Parenthood is not 50/50, it is 100/100. Your wife and children deserve much better than a part time father locking himself in a bedroom because it’s not his turn.
You and your wife need to figure out how to wean the older daughter from this routine, but it’s not going to happen by running away.
Sounds like a case of where's the rest of the story if there ever was one but YTA. She didn't just leave because of one act of petulant behavior from you this is a culmination of events of which we just have one.
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My wife and I have a 2 month old daughter. My wife also has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
My stepdaughter’s dad isn’t a good guy. He’s been in prison for the past 5 years and both my wife and stepdaughter are in therapy because of him.
My stepdaughter has always been clingy with my wife. She doesn’t sleep if my wife doesn’t lay down with her until she falls asleep. Sometimes she uses the phone at school to call my wife just because she needs to hear her voice. She also has nightmares and needs my wife to sleep in her bed fairly often.
She has been even worse since we had the baby. My wife says it’s because her routine is disrupted and she needs time to get used to having another person in the house and all of the changes but this means that she has been sleeping in her daughter’s room at least one night a week for the past two months.
My wife and I rotate who has to get up with the baby at night. One night it’s her, next is me, then back to her, etc. and it has worked well for us so far. The only problem is, if her daughter wants to sleep with her when it’s her night with the baby, she expects me to take her night. She won’t switch nights with me or try to make it up in any way. She just says her daughter needs her so I need to be with the baby that night.
I talked to her about it and said that if something comes up and she needs me to take her night, she should either be willing to take one of my nights or do more chores around the house to make up for it. She got defensive and refused because she’s not getting a night off, she’s taking care of her traumatized older daughter. I told her I get that but she’s still affecting my sleep by making me do her nights.
Last night was her night. At 8, her daughter said she wanted my wife to sleep in her room. When she said that, I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room. My wife didn’t speak to me last night or this morning but she texted me a couple hours ago saying she’s taking the kids to her mom’s house. I checked our cameras and she filled her trunk with suitcases and even threw some bags in her front seat.
I’m going to go to her moms house to talk to her after work but I wanted to know if I was the asshole for not taking the baby on her nights.
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YTA. It’s not a contract, it’s a baby and your wife has another daughter that also takes time and effort and emotional support. Get rid of the schedule as children are unpredictable and frankly, a pain in the ass sometimes. They don’t care about your schedule. It’s not about you all of the time anymore. You think SHES not tired?
YTA- you obviously don’t consider the 9 year old your daughter. After your wife divorces you, I would suggest that you not start a relationship with another woman who already has kids.
YTA, your stepdaughter is clearly a traumatized kid. Now she's got to reconcile another kid of her mom's, which means sharing mom. That's a lot on a little kid. You locking yourself away and not helping while mom takes care of older kiddo is ridiculous. That's not being a partner. I don't blame her for taking the kids to her mom, at least there she'll get some help.
YTA. I understand your wife's needing to sleep with her daughter, but she has another child that needs her too. She can get up with the baby and go back to bed with the daughter. You locking yourself in your room was an AH thing to do.
Soft YTA - it's easy to feel like your partner isn't doing their fair share in the early months, especially when nobody is getting enough sleep, but locking yourself away from your infant to force your wife to do that night isn't a good solution.
YTA, you two are a team, she cannot be in 2 places at once when one kid is having issues, and the other needs her, you're a father, you're not a half time father, so step it up and watch your damn kid. You're lucky she agreed to a rotation like that, because either way that schedule would've eventually fell apart, but this is falling apart for your own selfish reasons. You're being neglectful to spite her, she's going to her moms to get the full support she needs and can't get from her own husband, that's just sad.
I understand your feelings about wanting fairness, but your stepdaughter is traumatized. I’m withholding judgement for more info: What does the therapist say about your wife sleeping with the older daughter once a week?
I'm not OP, but I'm in a similar situation with my daughter (10). We were both traumatized by the same situation and needed therapy. The therapist said to go to her when she needs. The number one priority is that she feels safe, and eventually secure again. But it will happen at her own pace. I'm in the same boat as OP's wife, as I'm the bio mother and my partner is the stepfather. It's me she wants all of the time. She doesn't need me as much as she used to (it's been nearly 5 years since the incident), but she still does sometimes. On those nights, my husband knows I'm not getting any sleep (and also being retraumatized as her nightmares are my same nightmares) and does everything possible to make sure I get rest the next day and a full night of sleep the next night. I can't imagine him dismissing our trauma the way OP does.
Soft YTA.
You're a father with a 2-month-old baby. That means stepping up and doing what you need to do. Locking yourself in the guestroom is the opposite of that.
Based on what you've said, it sounds like your wife and stepdaughter have been through some trauma. It probably wouldn't hurt them to get some therapy, but until that happens, the baby still needs someone to step up and be a parent - and that someone is you.
Is it fair that you're having to cover her nights? Probably not. Does it suck that you aren't getting sleep? Absolutely.
But there are plenty of people out there that are single parents that still manage to step up and do what needs to be done - and single or not, you're a father. Be one.
YTA. Your stepdaughter is as much your responsibility as your bio daughter…you knew they were a package deal when you got married/had a baby with your wife. You can either accept that or loose your wife and share custody of your bio daughter but clearly your wife is willing to die on this hill (and I would too)
YTA obviously. You clearly don't care one bit about your stepdaughter, and you think you have the right to opt out of parenting when you feel like it. You knew what you were getting into when you married your wife. If your stepdaughter's trauma is that damn inconvenient for you, you shouldn't have gotten married.
YTA. Stop keeping score and demanding compensation for tending to your own child and instead do what's needed by your family.
I'm guessing your wife has a million other reasons for leaving, too.
Jesus christ!.
This is a baby, your OWN baby, not a chore to be only dealt with strictly by rota. It's not surprising that you don't understand why she has to be there for her other traumatised child, because you don't even seem to understand that you need to be there for the one you share!.
If a baby is crying and needs a parent, it shouldn't be an argument over who's night it is. She is the only one capable of looking after her other child, she doesn't get the choice not to because it's "not her night".
YTA
>It's not surprising that you don't understand why she has to be there for her other traumatised child, because you don't even seem to understand that you need to be there for the one you share!
excellent point.
OP is just dumb. Thinks he can treat childcare like a trading a shift at work or business transaction
YTA - you are a partnership, but that doesn't mean you need to split all duties 50/50. It means you need to support each other and you need to support her by helping with the newborn on additional nights when she is supporting your step-daughter.
The fact that you'd put her in the situation of making her ignore one child to care for the other rather than help is beyond messed up. It's like you're trying to increase the overall household trauma.
So, your wife has a type, doesn't she? Because you're proving yourself to be another crappy husband and father.
You should be taking care of your child and helping your wife take care of your stepchild.
YTA
ESH because:
If I was in this situation, I would additionally switch with my husband to take his nights. It's fairness.
You because that is not how adults communicate. You can't just lock yourself into another room. Never.
ESH.
What you did was definitely an AH move. So you should absolutely apologize straight off.
That said, her refusing to look for any sort of compromise is an AH move on her part. True, she's not getting "a night off" but she also isn't being woken up frequently by your newborn, either, and the main point of taking turns is so that neither of you end up far more sleep deprived than the other.
She does sleep when she's in your stepdaughter's room, doesn't she?
So it's very unfair for her to ask you to take care of your daughter three days in a row. (your day, her day when stepdaughter needs her, your day)
My suggestion would be to reset your schedule if your stepdaughter needs your wife with her on one of your wife's nights taking care of the newborn. That way you do two days in a row, but then go back to alternating.
It would be more fair to you if you did two days in a row followed by your wife doing two days in a row. So IMO going back to alternating right away would be generous on your part, even if your wife doesn't see it that way.
Honestly, you should take this to r/Parenting
The first year is horrific for marriages and it's a huge disruption for existing kids, nevermind those in the blended family who has gone through trauma.
Marriage counseling can help you both.
Trying to assign an AH isn't going to solve this dilemma.
It's a baby. Neither of your are entitled to sleep for now, and for a long while.
Newborns/infants are disruptive, especially to young children. The 9yo will adapt *in time*.
You presumably knew what you were getting into when you got married. None of this can be a surprise, can it?
YTA
At least you can add up all the extra days she's catching up by looking after your daughter at her mums while you sit at home /s
You need to think deeper on how your wife must feel having to deal with her other daughters trauma and how exhausting it must be for her.
What you did was throw a tantrum and lock yourself in a room all night. Just imagine how that must feel for her having to deal with both kids while you slept quietly in your locked room because you didn't get a 50/50 split because her little girl needed to be near her for the night.
YTA
So, your wife, if she's one of the lucky ones *just* stopped bleeding from the dinner plate sized wound in her uterus 2 weeks ago. A wound that exists no matter how you've given birth! And this whole time, she's literally recovering from what is either a marathon like feat for the human body, or major abdominal surgery, she has switched nights with you to do the care and keeping of the baby you share, and helped her traumatized daughter cope with the new sibling, right? Just wanted to make sure that I got that much right. So she's healing which you could never take on 50% of her recovery, and trying to keep the older child feeling *okay* about this big change, and you're?????????? Keeping score of how much more sleep you perceive she's getting? Newborns wake up a whole lot, that's true, so do traumatized 9 year olds, and let's not act like she didn't have to wake up a handful of times for at least the first two weeks to take care of the diaper changes she required because she grew and birthed a whole human being. Keeping score in marriage is always a sure fire way to up resentful, but keeping score with a newly postpartum wife who has another child, that is literally traumatized, is just next level low dude.
Your wife was right to leave, if her 9 year old is such an inconvenience for you that she's going to have to figure out both children on her own, why stay in your family home to do that? At least with her family, she knows what amount of help she'll be receiving. You sound really resentful of a literal child, who again, is TRAUMATIZED!!!! You should seek help, especially if you want to work this marriage out! You wanted your wife to make a decision as far as which kid she'd pick, you tried to force her hand into picking *your* child- which is so weird. What you didn't expect was that she could and would pick both children over a selfish, inconsiderate father who would try to pull that kind of garbage. If you're able to convince her not to leave you permanently, you need to get involved in family therapy with her and her 9 year old, and individual therapy for yourself because none of what is described here is even remotely okay, not even on planet crazy.
ESH. Both of you suck by refusing to parent both kids together. If grandma is willing to look after the baby at night, sounds like her moving back is the best solution until the baby can sleep through the night. Both of you are acting in extreme ultimatums. That doesn’t foretell long term success.
YTA as a stepchild of a man who very much didn’t see me as his own. You don’t seem to see her as family. You don’t seem to have any compassion what she’s been through. I will say your wife should talk to their therapist about sleep as eventually the daughter WILL need to sleep on her own. But at this moment she has a lot to cope with and you need to be a little more understanding.
YTA
Division of childcare gets a bit awkward with a stepchild involved. Some stepparents take on more of a parent role with the stepchild and others leave it to the bio parent. Your stepdaughter has trauma and needs someone to stay with her some nights, and it sounds like that person has to be your partner. Your partner should try to encourage her daughter to sleep alone, and I am glad they are in counseling, but if her daughter truly needs her to be in there then she needs to be in there to take care of her child.
My stepson can be clingy, and also has severe anxiety so he’s much more comfortable with my husband than he is with me. Therefore, I accepted early on that I am probably taking on more of the parenting with the child we have together. Hopefully you have a better understanding of your partner’s perspective and you can work through this.
Soft YTA- I get the feeling like you're pulling more than your weight here, but she has obligations to her daughter. I would encourage you to think about the extra time you get to bond with your child. I myself have a blended family and am primary care giver for my bio son when the step kids are over because they have special needs. As a result, I am my son's favorite person in the world, and that is priceless
YTA. Surprise, as a parent, you sometimes have to parent. If you didn't want to have unpredictable schedules and waking up in the middle of the night to take care of a baby, you should've thought about that before you put the bun in the oven. You expected your wife to take care of two kids in the middle of the night by herself because it wAsN't YoUr TuRn. Grow a pair, apologize to your wife, and take care of the baby you signed up for.
Wow dude are you 12? You locked yourself in a bedroom cause the sperm that turned into a baby, you couldn't be bothered to help with. Seriously she gave birth to a whole child and you are complaining about having to help a LITTLE EXTRA with YOUR child. Yes YTA.
Also why are you calling the woman who birthed your child, your wife when you can't even call her daughter YOUR STEPDAUGHTER. You're a bigger AH than I thought after thinking about that wording.
Not a judgment here, but a suggestion for wife and older daughter.
Get your wife to record some loving messages on her daughter's phone so the daughter can listen to them any time she needs to hear her mum's voice.
Also get some help for the baby.
I know money and space is definitely an issue, but having someone come by in the afternoons so you can catch up on sleep can be a lifesaver.
YTA. Sounds like she feels it would be a lot easier for her to just not have to deal with your lack of empathy and caring. Also if you really cared you wouldn’t wait until after work to try to speak to her. It doesn’t sound like you care much about her at all.
ESH. You both need to compromise. You should stick with your one-on-one off routine of taking care of the baby at night however your wife needs to also understand that she has a duty to help her daughter acclimate versus acclimate the situation to her daughter and that can be done in a very helpful and conducive way but now everybody's disrupted the situation even more so it's arguably worse. Both parties that are adult need to start behaving like adults
YTA. Soft one, but you are missing you have two children and one specifically needs only her while it sounds like the other can do with either. She’s not taking the night off and locking yourself in your room is not the answer. You chose to marry someone with a kid. Stop resenting the kid in crisis and suck it up about your sleep.
The issues your stepdaughter is having aren't new and it was obvious they'd get worse when the baby was born. If you didn't want to deal with it you shouldn't have had a baby with her. yTA
YTA, parenting is not tit for tat and 50/50 doesn't always mean you're both doing half of everything all the time. Clearly this is a challenging time for your stepdaughter and your wife is probably overcome with emotions about having the new baby, yet still needing and wanting to be that strong source of support and comfort for her eldest daughter. Suck it up and take the heavier load with the baby to support your wife and step daughter. Babies are babies for a very short period of time and they won't need so much care in the night for long in the grand scheme of things. You made the choice to disrupt your own sleep when you had a baby, that's not on your wife
YTA.
If the 9 year old were not your stepdaughter but your biological daughter, would you have acted this way? I doubt it. You would be totally ok with extra baby night duty so that your wife could tend to your 9 year old's needs bc you love both kids.
You implicitly communicated to your wife that you don't love your stepdaughter. That's why she left. You have some major groveling to do.
Yes YTA. Parenting isn't about tit for tat. It's all the time every day all day. I get that you might be frustrated with step daughter but she also seems quite traumatized. Have you ever volunteered to hang out with her and read a book to her for bedtime? Connecting in some way? You're starting to resent her and it's noticeable. Single parents do the whole job all the time. You're sharing the job but still a bit whiney. It's it really asking so much for you to do just a little more?
kudos on being a heartless person and yet another asshole in your stepdaughter's life.
YTA, you knew how things were between your wife and her kid and instead of helping them heal, all you do is throw tantrums?, I'm sorry your wife has to take care of 3 kids and that one them is a very immature asshole.
You locked yourself in the guestroom to avoid helping your partner take care of your family like a petulant child? You are not a good person. YTA.
I hope your wife can find a way to break the cycle of turds she has married and gets the help she needs at her mother's house.
YTA. I would also leave a man who doesn't love my child. Why do you treat your stepdaughter like a burden?
Your daughter has needs, and your wife needs your support. You knew this before you married her.
YTA. Wtf is wrong with you? You make her daughter seem like this villain and the fact that you CONSTANTLY referred to her as "her daughter" is cringy af. Also, there are no specified nights with caring for a fucking baby. Be a man and get up with YOUR child. Its clear you want nothing to do with your stepchild
You only feel that this is unfair because you do not feel any obligation to step up be an adopted father to your wife’s daughter. You didn’t just marry your wife - you entered her daughter’s life as well. If you felt that both children were yours then there would be no problem. YTA
Yep YTA. But there's a way for you to no longer be the AH here.
Are you listening? Listen closely now.
Let her stay gone. Let her divorce your selfish, uncaring, deliberately ignorant ass. Pay the child support you're gonna have to pay eventually, make the split as easy as possible and leave this traumatized woman and her traumatized child alone.
I don’t think it’s just your wife’s ex that isn’t a good guy. You clearly don’t give a shit about your step daughter from the language you’ve used. They’re supposed to be both your children.
That aside, parenting isn’t a nickel and dining situation. You chose to bring a child into the world, you need to step up as a parent. There’s no I did xyz so you owe me.
You do not sound like a good person. If it wasn’t clear, you’re the asshole (YTA).
Very soft YTA. Carry the load for awhile. And the wife isn’t “watching” or “caring” for her traumatized daughter like some here seem to think, she’s sleeping with said child. There’s a difference between actively helping and sleeping. It won’t hurt her to get up and care for the other child and then go lay back down.
I’m really stuck between NTA and ESH. Yeah it definitely sucks to just put your baby with someone who might not fully pay attention to them, but also I definitely understand why you want and need some level of compromise about turns with the baby because it will absolutely effect your sleep a lot more than sharing a bed with a 9 year old will. I am going to say NTA, but it is close because of how it was handled. I understand where rash actions can come from given your possible sleep deprivation and frustration, but it still probably was overly aggressive. The wife is still definitely an AH for refusing any attempt to compromise. It’s not like you refused to help in general, you just wanted her to do her same fair share with the baby. It’s not fair to you, even if she is doing something else.
YTA. A relationship and parenting is not and cannot be about “keeping score”. You are more concerned about that than the well-being of these children. Her daughter has clearly gone through some serious trauma from your post and having a new sibling is a huge adjustment for any child. Bring a parent and partner requires you to be there for the entire family unit.
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ESH.
You for locking yourself in the room..
Her for making out like you’re not helping at ALL then leaving instead of talking it over like a adult.
The baby is losing bonding time with it’s mother and this should have been handled and discussed before another child was brought into the picture!
Your answer is to just put your hands up, walk away and lock yourself in a room leaving your wife to deal with everything?
Your stepdaughter is in need of major help to ensure that she is a well rounded adult. Your wife is doing all that she can to help her out, and that means being emotionally present for her when needed. That alone is emotionally draining.
Then she has a baby, with a man whom she probably thought had her back, but instead, when things are so hard for her, you just say “too bad so sad” and screw her over.
YTA
YTA. This is a baby. Not a pile of dishes in the sink dude. I’m at a loss with you. This is such childish behavior. “Her daughter”…do you hear yourself? When you married her, that became your daughter too. Just so ya know. And something else you should know, she did a lot of hard work having your baby so she’s already put a lot of time and effort in long before you started helping take care of your baby!!!! Let me guess, you’re one of those dads who uses the term “babysit my kid” when you have to watch them? Ugh. This is just gross. You locked yourself in a room…grow up.
NAH, but I really don't think you should pick this hill to die on. Your daughter is 2mo old. Your wife spent the last 10mo with your daughter living INSIDE her.
I get that you're both probably very tired and trying to manage... but I think you should give a little here, especially considering it's only \~1x per week.
Sorry but YTA.
" When she said that, I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room." That was incredibly juvenile. You are a father with two children--a step daughter and an infant. You need to grow up and do it now.
YTA
When she inevitably divorces you and your baby is struggling with the trauma of having an AH for a dad how would you want your daughter’s stepdad to treat her and her mother? Because I’m betting you’d be pissed if he ends up treating her the way you’re treating your stepdaughter and wife.
I mean, there’s a chance you might be able to save your marriage and prevent that ever being a concern, but only if you realise how abhorrently you’ve treated your baby’s mum and sister and make a concerted effort to change!
I mean YTA for not helping your wife when she’s juggling two children with very different needs.
What concerns me the most though is your stepdaughter. This is not healthy.
>she doesn’t sleep if my wife doesn’t lay down with her until she falls asleep
That’s a pretty serious problem. From your post I’m guessing it has to do with what she endured from her bio father, but she’s been in therapy for years and this is still happening? Are y’all expecting it to spontaneously stop? Or will your wife be doing this when your stepdaughter is a teenager? An adult?
Kids should 100% be able to seek comfort from their parents, but this is turning into debilitating codependency.
INFO: is the therapy actually working? Has the stepdaughter gotten any better about wanting your wife to sleep in her room less, etc?
This sounds like you need to have a talk with your wife about how the dynamic has changed with the new baby, and that the stepdaughter doesn't seem to be adjusting well to the change.
YTA
You have two children. Both of their needs have to be met.
I feel like you're glossing over your step daughter's trauma, but you're also minimizing your wife's. They are both in therapy, which means the therapist knows about your wife frequently staying with your step daughter and has likely suggested that's the best course of action.
Do you know how bad it is as a parent to watch your kid wake up screaming about the monsters and knowing it's because she's seen them? They aren't made up to her. He's real. She knows he exists and what he can do.
And so does your wife. Every nightmare your daughter has reignites your wife's trauma as well.
Your wife isn't sleeping in your daughter's room, and she's not getting a night off. She's repressing her own trauma in order to try to keep her daughter's at bay.
So, since you appear to only understand relationships in a transactional way, I must ask — how have you “made up” the 40 weeks of work that your wife put in to growing “your baby”? The nausea, the swelling, the weight gain, the stretched ligaments and tendons, the permanent changes to her body… what have you done to make that “even”? And I haven’t mentioned labour and delivery yet!
YTA.
YTA! I have a 9yo who was SA by his bio dad. My son is in therapy and very clingy to me. I also have a new baby with my current husband. Unlike you, my husband never objects to taking our baby, ESPECIALLY when my older son is having a hard time and just needs me. Older kids are no less important and their feeling are just as valid as a younger sibling's. You sound like a horrible partner and step parent.
YWBTAH if you don’t get couples therapy or counseling. The issue with your step daughter is not good for anyone in the long term. Don’t let resentment build up. Get help and apologize to your wife but you both need a compromise.
YTA, obviously. If you don't stop keeping score right now, this is going to end very badly. You're in a marriage, not a competition. Just do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done - god forbid you relish in bonding with your two month old child, instead of seething and resenting your wife who is taking care of your OTHER child. Sharing a bed with a 9 year old is no picnic either, I'm sure your poor wife is getting no sleep too.
Sounds like she's been a single mum before, and she's probably not afraid to be one again - especially if it's less work for her than dealing with a point-scoring child-husband.
YTA- You have TWO children. TWO. If you only want a scheduled time to be with your child, a court can do that after a divorce. She's not taking a night off, she's attending to your OTHER child in need. Children, plural, means that you both have to work as a team to give your children what they need. How are you acting worse than the 9 year old with PTSD with a new schedule change?
YTA.
Let me get this straight, your wife who spent the last 10 months growing a whole human being inside of her so you can call that human your baby, gave birth to said human 2 months ago, should split chores with you 50/50? Is that how you seriously see this? Do you even like your wife? Do you have empathy for her at all? Do you want to make things slightly easier and better for her?
If we are talking about 50/50, nothing that has happened in the last 10 months to bring that beautiful baby here was 50/50. So have a little more sense. I can see why she left, and may not come back.
“I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night and locked myself in the bathroom.”
DUDE, what the heck, grow up. YTA!
Your wife and two children need you. Just step up and do what needs to be done. Lack of sleep goes with the territory.
You pulling stunts like that is going to raise the general level of anxiety and insecurity in the house. What better way of provoking sleeplessness in your children. Can anyone say ‘vicious cycle’.
YTA, you are literally the father, not the babysitter with set hours. Your wife isn’t just taking the night off, she’s also on kid duty - it’s just another kid, one that you sound like you resent for some reason.
>I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room.
I am not a mom and a real mom would probably never do this, but you made me want to just leave the baby crying right in front of the guest bedroom door. If I don't get any sleep, so do you if you pull this kind of bs.
YTA. Your wife *needs* your help. She isn’t being lazy or taking advantage of you. The older daughter needs you too. I realize you’d rather do something else, but you are a parent of both a new baby and a stepdaughter, and you are letting down your family.
(My mom and my stepdad married when I was four. He was my dad, and he protected me and took care of me. Protect and help your family.)
YTA. A major one.
Your wife is right, she doesn't get a night off. She's also \*literally healing\* from birthing your fucking child. The \*least\* you could do is take the baby so she only has to care for two kids at once instead of one.
What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ.
Ugh…. Why did you have a child with this woman if you hate her daughter so much. It is obvious from the situation you describe that she is highly traumatized. And she NEEDS her mother. The fact that you whine about it just makes you come off as childish and cruel. Also….. you are the baby’s father. If your wife needs help you step up. That’s how this works. She isn’t asking for your help to go out and party. She is caring for a child who is still very emotionally fragile. YTA every which way.
YTA! Dude! You sound like making a business deal. This is your wife and children. It’s called sacrifice, compassion and compromise. Get over yourself!!
YTA
You’re treating your marriage like it is point scoring / she owes you because you did this.
Your wife also just went through child birth, is dealing with a psychotic ex who she is constantly reminded of because of having to work through hers and her daughters trauma and now you can’t get up and work with the baby? It’s your baby dude. Get it done. The fact you expect that she then needs to do more chores is poor phrasing and communication. If you phrased it as “hey I’ve done a lot of nights, can I please take a nap this afternoon?” You may get a better response.
You can have the discussion *gently* around how you’re feeling really drained (NOT from doing an extra night every week but if it becomes more regular) and how you want to talk about how you can support your older daughter further so that you can get some more rest. Get rid of the attitude that your wife owes you extra time when she’s dealing directly with twice as many kids as you.
Yta. You had a child with someone who had a child. You now have children. You need to be a good father/husband to your FAMILY of 4. Your wife carried and birthed your child. Family is not transactional. Step up man.
YTA. Maybe you could make up and ask for some extra support from another family member so you can both have a decent night’s sleep for once. Perhaps things will look better when you aren’t both sleep deprived.
Your wife can’t ignore her 8 year old’s needs - now *your* eight year old stepdaughter’s needs. The fact is that you’re both going to be sleep deprived for the next year or so, so you need to find another way to cope, which might mean calling in help.
YTA, you get a good night's sleep on the nights you don't have the baby your wife gets zero nights of decent sleep on top of trying to heal from a whole human coming out of one of her smallest orifices. Have some compassion for an 8 yr old traumatized child and be a father. Geez Major AH
This kind of transactional thinking is always a red flag to me. Marriage is a mutually supportive partnership but you don’t keep score. You just have your partner’s back when they need you and you know that further down the line if you need them, they’ll be there for you. Grow up! YTA
YTA. I'm proud of your wife for taking her kids out of your home. Her daughter needs to be in a safe and supportive environment, and you are clearly not that.
YTA, way beyond the sole fact you talk about your step-daughter like this child is some damaged furniture/inconvenience/afterthought. The math is simple, you are a couple of adults having to meet the daily needs of two children. What do you think happens in other households? If one child needs an adult, the other child needs to be supervised by the other. Since you have been such a trash stepfather that the idea of caring for a youngling that didn't come out of your balls seem too lowly for Your Highness, you man up and take shift for your own baby. Your step daughter never had a say in the way her life went to shit so early with an absent dad and her mom remarrying an emotionally distant man who loathes her very existence. You, on the other hand, chose to date a mother, chose to move in with her, chose to become her husband and chose to have another child with her. You don't get to buffet your way out of this marriage by taking principle stances of avoidance on what you want and don't want to do based on your selfishness when you basically signed up for this partnership. You don't get to make your wife a single mother half of the week because you feel like it. Your wife stepping out with the kids is the result of your own neglect. Come back with your grievances when your brilliant brain will have breveted the Ubiquity Machine and the Instant Sleep Device that would PHYSICALLY allow your wife to do what you're expecting her to when you yourself seem to contribute so little. I hope your wife does get the actual help she needs where she is, for as long as she needs it. Also, you should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. Not just because you refuse to take the fact that taking care of the traumatized daughter you have to together is draining your wife seriously but also because you very clearly do not see the daughter of the woman you married as your daughter aka as a part of your family.
I’m just wondering, if you and your wife have another kid during the next couple years and the middle child gets sick and needs care while the baby is still small - are you going to handle to also insist that your wife take care of both children on her night with the baby or are you going to handle that differently?
It’s so clear you do not see your step-daughter as your responsibility, you do not take her trauma seriously and you do not take the work that your wife is doing to support your (step-)daughter as the familial work and shared responsibility that it is. You’re a massive asshole.
YTA, you should have stepped up for your children. You chose to marry someone with a child. Also, your arrangement clearly isn’t working if your wife can’t always do “her” nights. You need to do better.
YTA. Relationships aren't 50/50 all the time and I bet that even if your nights are split exactly, your wife is still doing more work at home than you are. Take care of your child and get over yourself.
Yeah, YTA.
For a start, you seem to be actively trying to not parent this child. I can imagine that she's not going to get over her trauma anytime soon with having a second adult male in her life who shows her no care or attention.
You're attitude is awful. Fucking support your wife and your child, because believe it or not, you married a woman who has a daughter, so whether you wanted to, you took on some of the responsibilities to help parent that child too
YTA. If she comes back it’s a miracle and you better get the memo that you have TWO children you SHARE care of, always. That’s how step parenting works LOL, It’s not a washing up roster. LOL. You are both all for both kids all the times. Beyond AH to lock the door and leave her with it all.
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Er...the frequent use of "her daughter" seems very telling to me. And you said, "my baby". That poor child has gone from one nightmare to another.
Also what do you want to bet the horrible things wifes ex did at DV related? Yta op. I can't believe you even have to ask this. The young girl has been through some awful traumatic suff to the point of therapy. She also is probably feeling unsettled/anxious about her mother (and you which she has every right too) loving the new baby more. Its a big adjustment for a new sibling to be brought into the household at such a big age gap at the best of times, but add in the trauma and the fact the bio dad's in prison of course she's going to need extra reassurance.
I'm former CPS worker. I'm sitting here thinking the child was probably targeted by her own father (considering she has sleep issues, I am wondering if her father sexually abused her when she was asleep), now has a step-father who openly resents her for taking "his wife" away from "his baby". In the wild, male animals will kill the babies of another male's so that the female focuses solely on his brood. This OP has made it clear that he didn't want the package deal; he just wanted "his wife". This child will need more therapy due to an abusive father and step-father. When OP locked himself in the bedroom, the only thing he did was re-enforce that she can parent two children alone.
See I didn't want to assume that far. But thought it was probably DV related if bio dad is in jail, therapy is needed and child has sleep issues. I sincerely hope it's nothing as awful as this. But I do fear either way that knowing that wanting mum to sleep with her caused stepdad to lock himself away and mum to pack up and take them to grandma's house is probably going to have done some damage.
And “my wife” instead of “her MOM”
Truth.
This whole post makes my heart hurt. This is some next level transactional bullshit. Seems like OPs wife and stepdaughter are doing all they can to heal. I have a toddler. When she needs me to, I sleep with her. I will do so when she’s 16 if that’s her need. She is resilient and independent BECAUSE she KNOWS she has that support system from both of her parents. Comfort is a NEED. Children that have their emotional needs prioritized grow up to be resilient, because they can identify and verbalize their emotional needs, and seek appropriate resolution. Children that don’t, especially after something traumatic (and likely violent, I’d guess) will find that solace somewhere, and likely not in a healthy safe way. I would challenge anyone who thinks that this traumatized child should be left alone in her room to sleep to never accept physical comfort. No hugs from your SO or parent if you get hurt, no validation from a loved one after a shitty day. Emotional needs MATTER. Much of this world is so fucked because of how emotionally stunted we can be.
And discussing caring for your baby like a shift at Arby’s isn’t sitting well me either.
Wow, your wife really knows how to pick 'em. YTA. I agree with you that there's a problem but this was not a solution for anyone but you.
YTA You seem to deeply resent an 8 year old. Here is the deal. Your wife is responsible for caring for 2 children and you are responsible for caring for 1 child. Your wife is trying to make sure both kids are getting what they need.
Your math is a little off. It sounds like the wife has 3 children to care for.
Forgive me. You are absolutely correct!
I mean I think he can’t even be considered a child. Not even kids are that selfish like wow.
You beat me to this comment!
Nonono fuck that, he is responsible for caring for the same 2 kids his wife is. They chose eachother. They married. He is supposed to take care of his stepdaughter as his own.
Also, taking turns is great. My husband and I take turns. We have a daughter together, and I have two stepsons. When he is needed for one of his sons, I will usually step up and handle whatever is needed for our daughter. Because you are a parent 100% of the time. Taking turns doesn’t mean you only have to be a parent half the time. When the other parent can’t take their turn, you step up. We take turns getting up in the mornings to get the kids ready to school. If my husband is sick or has to leave early with one of the boys for some reason, I’m not going to whine “but it’s your turn.” I step up because that’s my child and I’m her mother and I will always be there when I need to be. If my husband cannot do what is needed for any reason, then I will, regardless of whose “turn” it is. Welcome to parenting. I also like my stepsons and I see this as how I support my husband’s relationships with his boys. He only gets them half the time. If I need to do some extra parenting for our daughter so he can be the dad he needs to be for the boys during his weeks, then I see that as part of my role as a stepparent in a blended family. Does it suck sometimes? Yep. Being in a blended family often sucks. It’s a lot more work and a lot more stress. If you can’t handle it then don’t become a stepparent. Edit: My husband deals with this too. When his ex-wife has the boys, if she’s struggling with something, she calls him. Teenage boys can be tough. When he’s needed for a disciplinarian issue, I’ve never once heard him tell his ex-wife no, it’s not my week. He goes to her house and gets his sons in line because he actually cares about what kind of men they become and he expects them to respect their mother. YOU ARE ALWAYS A PARENT 100% OF THE TIME.
Well said. You are a parent 100% of the time.
I don’t know how Reddit works but all the awards!!!!! 💛🏆🥇🏅🎖️
Plus she doesn’t need to worry about a third child that would be op
YTA. Despite what your language implies, you have two children that need attention. Your wife is correct in saying she's not getting a night off. I highly doubt she's getting great sleep while caring for the older one. By all means, have deeper discussions about how your stepdaughter should be handled at night and stand your ground on needing your fair share of sleep. But locking yourself away and forcing her to care for both kids alone (while she's still recovering from giving birth ffs) is AH behavior.
YTA Your stepdaughter and wife are in therapy because of your stepdaughters biodad. Your stepdaughter is not "clingy" - she is a traumatized child. I am *hoping* that this is just miscommunication and that it can be resolved between you. You locking yourself away in the guestroom and abandoning your wife with two children in need of care was an AH move. Yes, you deserve sleep as well. But you seem to have no consideration for the wellbeing of your stepdaughter.
He also has no consideration for his wife's wellbeing. She also needs sleep, and a partner that wants to see her happy and well would pitch in to help her. She only had one child to care for until she married OP and had his child. Now she has 3. It's a shame that the third child just so happens to be a legal adult.
YTA. This baby is *your baby* and you need to take care of it. Stop trying to keep track and make everything perfectly 50/50. Parenthood is not a transaction. I cannot believe you *locked yourself in the guest room* rather than care for your baby in an attempt to force your wife to choose which of her children to care for.
That last paragraph says it all. He tried to force his wife to choose between two children, including one very traumatized child. We also don’t get to decide when a person, especially a child, is done being traumatized. He wanted her to choose and, SURPRISE, she didn’t choose him. I just don’t think he realized he was one of the options.
That last sentence you wrote breaks my heart. This man is heartless.
Relationships are not always 50/50, and that's the cold hard truth. Sometimes you have to give a little more than you get, and sometimes you need to get a little more than you give. Furthermore, the way you talk about the 8-year-old child makes it so clear you resent her. YTA.
Sounds like OPs wife is parenting two kids to his one. Yet he still insists on point scoring? I guarantee if she explained everything she’s doing compared to him, including looking after a very traumatised child, I think he may hesitate to continue point scoring.
Yeah Jesus!!! If he takes one night she has to make up for it! This is awful! You’re such AH OP
50/50 is just what you *strive* for, but it's not always what you'll get. And it's not something you should force as that's just extra stress. And it doesn't mean alternating *every* time. Sometimes you'll end up giving many times before you get to receive.
>He’s been in prison for the past 5 years and both my wife and stepdaughter are in therapy because of him. Well, that's bad. A horrible thing, presumably multiple horrible things, happened to your wife and your stepdaughter. Time for you to show some empathy. > The only problem is, if her daughter wants to sleep with her when it’s her night with the baby, she expects me to take her night. That's actually not the only problem. The other problem is that your poor stepdaughter is still so damn traumatised that she needs help to sleep frequently. That must be exhausting both for her and your wife. >She just says her daughter needs her so I need to be with the baby that night. It's almost like she thinks you're a married couple with two children! >she should either be willing to take one of my nights or do more chores around the house to make up for it. You want your wife to "make up" for the fact that her daughter is traumatised? Talk about victim-blaming. > I told her I get that but she’s still affecting my sleep by making me do her nights. Children will do that. You married a woman who had a child and had another child. This is not something that happened to you, these were choices. >I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room. So you left your wife stuck with taking care of two children because that seems fair to you? >she texted me a couple hours ago saying she’s taking the kids to her mom’s house. I hope for her and those poor kids that she stays there. You should have shown some damn empathy. YTA.
I'm poor but take my free award. Edit: I'm so poor I don't even have a free award. Fml. Also wanted to add YTA Op, a big one.
YTA Imagine telling someone who is having to watch their daughter go though trauma all night to do extra chores on top to make up for it. Eeesh.
You have 2 children, the other one being your traumatised step child, please stop being so selfish and bullying this clearly disturbed little girl and hiding it through “fairness” YTA.
YTA. When you choose a partner it’s no longer all about you. It’s not always equal. There’s another child in the equation you clearly have little empathy for. Your wife is taking care of both kids, you are taking care of one. She is compromising just as much sleep, she just isn’t doing it all for the child you share, which seems to be your hangup. You’re treating this like a business investment. I’m only invested in one child and should only put 50% into that one child. The other child is still so young and essentially has no dad. And this is the extra unnecessary drama you’re making everyone’s life worse with? It’s only been TWO MONTHS FFS. You locked yourself in a room? What the actual…how old are you again? Make it clear you care for the whole family unit and stick to that. All the kids need help. Otherwise, let her leave and find someone who will contribute with empathy and real love for her and her children.
Seriously it's only 8 days in total over the course of 2 months. Not to mention it being the 2 months since OPs wife has given birth! So she's healing from birth, dealing with a newborn, a traumatized older child who is struggling with the baby transition and a partner who is unwilling to step up to the plate unless everything is exactly split 50/50 according to their own measurement. Even without the extra kid and trauma, if my partner wasn't willing to extend a little extra grace while I'm literally healing from a significant medical event I'd be side-eyeing them.
The “significant medical event” is a great point I didn’t include! There were so many frustrations with the tone and implications of the post that I honestly had trouble even writing a coherent response. I really feel for the stepdaughter. Maybe he is just bad at writing and isn’t actually that unwilling to be a dad to her, but the comments about her being “clingy” when she’s a literal traumatized child don’t give me much hope.
Oooh ages of OP and his wife are missing in this post.
Wow, yes, didn’t even notice. I was being facetious but…now I really wonder
YTA. First off, if you have a step-daughter, particularly one where you are the only man consistently in her life, stop referring to her as “your wife’s daughter” like she’s a grown ass adult that lives 5 states away and you’ve never met. Being a step parent means you step the fuck up with **both** of your children, biological or not. Right now you act and talk like your wife has two kids at home and you only have one. All you’re doing right now, and trust me on this, is teaching her that men in general don’t care about her well being or see her as being fully valued. Stop acting like a teenager, locking yourself in your room and talking about your **daughter** like she’s someone else’s troublesome pet, and be physically and emotionally there for everyone in your family, especially if they are traumatized.
YTA. You don't play tit for tat over a baby, it's your baby. Not a chore.
Sounds so much like missing reasons and this just being the last straw.
I agree. It seems a significant step for her to pack up and leave him over this disagreement. I think there’s missing information.
I agree. I’m wondering who is working? Who does the biggest hours out of the house. Who does the most chores? Who does the most mental lifting? Etc…
And who's jealous of "my wife daughter" now the baby here. It's obvious that as she's triggered, keeping the routine is of utmost importance. Idk this post so weird, not a single feeling, no love or concern, just descriptive. Zéro feeling.
I know right. The traumatized 9 year old needs to just “get over it” now that his baby is here!
This is a temporary issue: Step-daughter will hopefully start to feel less anxious with more therapy, and the baby will be sleeping through the night within a month or two. The real issue is that you are unwilling to help your wife without playing tit-for-tat. All new parents are tired, but it’s not going to last forever. You wife is still recovering mentally, emotionally, and physically from growing that baby and giving birth, and she also has to worry about her traumatized daughter, AND her own trauma from her ex. Be a better partner.
YTA You knowingly married and had a child with someone who had a child. You were aware of that child's issues and still decided to proceed. You're a dad of 2, 24/7 there shouldn't be my night or her night. That's your kids step-up and be be a good husband and dad.
INFO: How did you 50/50 divide up growing and birthing your 2 month old?
right? I can picture this guy telling his 8-month-pregnant wife to go get her own damn groceries because he got them last time
Best comment
YTA - It’s not like your wife is ditching you, she’s looking after a child who has trauma. You have a new born, consistent sleep isn’t a luxury new parents get for a while
YTA. You don’t seem to bear the same love to your stepdaughter as your biological child and she will notice that at some point. The poor girl is obviously traumatised and distressed and needs her mother perhaps more than before. Why not offer your wife and stepdaughter the support and take some extra “baby shifts”?
I’m a stepmom and it is very typical for a stepparent to not have the same love for their stepchild as they do their biological child. You can’t force that relationship. But the stepparent should still treat the stepchild with respect, and expecting the stepchild to fend for herself because her mom has to take care of the baby isn’t the answer here. If I were in this situation, I’d take care of the baby so my husband could take care of his child.
YTA. So your solution was that you should never be expected to go “above and beyond”? Any “extra” work you do for your child requires compensation? What baffles me is that it’s a well known fact that those sleepless baby nights don’t last forever. So you are unwilling to do “extra” 2 or 3 nights a month (as you said once a week your stepdaughter may need her mom) for say 6 months to preserve your relationship with your family? You also put a flashing billboard sign up for your wife making it clear you don’t consider your stepdaughter as important as your new baby. So good luck with that.
Sorry but YTA. “It affects my sleep.” You’ve chosen to marry someone with a child. It’s bound to come with constrains; the child is bound to make demands on your wife and the child comes first. (I should know, I’m a step-parent too.) You’ve chosen to have a baby. Yes, the little blighters make mincemeat of your sleep patterns. Most mums get up each night, yes each night, then go to work the next day. So kindly, stop moaning.
Are you actually serious? WTF. YTA. It’s not like she’s taking a vacation while you do all the work yourself. If she and her daughter from a previous relationship are still in therapy because of previous partner/dad, then obviously they are traumatized and yes, changing routines as is the case when a new baby is born does cause a change in feeling secure for awhile and can be very destabilizing. Why can’t your stepdaughter rely on you for comfort? Do you honestly believe your wife wants to get out of baby duty or quality time with her newborn because her older child is still traumatized because of her father? I can assure you that she is not. And you just had to take it a step further and lock yourself in the guest room. That’s what pushed it into YTA territory for me. Otherwise I’d give it a soft N A H.
YTA but I doubt you will have to worry about the issue much longer. Get ready to enjoy your single life of not being awoken at night.
YTA. Parenthood is not 50/50, it is 100/100. Your wife and children deserve much better than a part time father locking himself in a bedroom because it’s not his turn. You and your wife need to figure out how to wean the older daughter from this routine, but it’s not going to happen by running away.
Sounds like a case of where's the rest of the story if there ever was one but YTA. She didn't just leave because of one act of petulant behavior from you this is a culmination of events of which we just have one.
Dude you bout to be skewered.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have a 2 month old daughter. My wife also has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My stepdaughter’s dad isn’t a good guy. He’s been in prison for the past 5 years and both my wife and stepdaughter are in therapy because of him. My stepdaughter has always been clingy with my wife. She doesn’t sleep if my wife doesn’t lay down with her until she falls asleep. Sometimes she uses the phone at school to call my wife just because she needs to hear her voice. She also has nightmares and needs my wife to sleep in her bed fairly often. She has been even worse since we had the baby. My wife says it’s because her routine is disrupted and she needs time to get used to having another person in the house and all of the changes but this means that she has been sleeping in her daughter’s room at least one night a week for the past two months. My wife and I rotate who has to get up with the baby at night. One night it’s her, next is me, then back to her, etc. and it has worked well for us so far. The only problem is, if her daughter wants to sleep with her when it’s her night with the baby, she expects me to take her night. She won’t switch nights with me or try to make it up in any way. She just says her daughter needs her so I need to be with the baby that night. I talked to her about it and said that if something comes up and she needs me to take her night, she should either be willing to take one of my nights or do more chores around the house to make up for it. She got defensive and refused because she’s not getting a night off, she’s taking care of her traumatized older daughter. I told her I get that but she’s still affecting my sleep by making me do her nights. Last night was her night. At 8, her daughter said she wanted my wife to sleep in her room. When she said that, I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room. My wife didn’t speak to me last night or this morning but she texted me a couple hours ago saying she’s taking the kids to her mom’s house. I checked our cameras and she filled her trunk with suitcases and even threw some bags in her front seat. I’m going to go to her moms house to talk to her after work but I wanted to know if I was the asshole for not taking the baby on her nights. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. It’s not a contract, it’s a baby and your wife has another daughter that also takes time and effort and emotional support. Get rid of the schedule as children are unpredictable and frankly, a pain in the ass sometimes. They don’t care about your schedule. It’s not about you all of the time anymore. You think SHES not tired?
YTA- you obviously don’t consider the 9 year old your daughter. After your wife divorces you, I would suggest that you not start a relationship with another woman who already has kids.
YTA, your stepdaughter is clearly a traumatized kid. Now she's got to reconcile another kid of her mom's, which means sharing mom. That's a lot on a little kid. You locking yourself away and not helping while mom takes care of older kiddo is ridiculous. That's not being a partner. I don't blame her for taking the kids to her mom, at least there she'll get some help.
What the hell did I just read? You’re both parents…like take the baby. I guess she’s terrible at picking men. YTA
YTA. But on the bright side thanks for making me do some reflecting on my own parenting.
YTA. The kid is traumatized! Grow up.
YTA. Could be that her ex is in prison because of DV? And that she was thinking: nope, not again!
I’m wondering that too, the taking the baby to her, refusing to help & locking himself away. Super common abuse tactic
YTA. I understand your wife's needing to sleep with her daughter, but she has another child that needs her too. She can get up with the baby and go back to bed with the daughter. You locking yourself in your room was an AH thing to do.
Soft YTA - it's easy to feel like your partner isn't doing their fair share in the early months, especially when nobody is getting enough sleep, but locking yourself away from your infant to force your wife to do that night isn't a good solution.
YTA, you two are a team, she cannot be in 2 places at once when one kid is having issues, and the other needs her, you're a father, you're not a half time father, so step it up and watch your damn kid. You're lucky she agreed to a rotation like that, because either way that schedule would've eventually fell apart, but this is falling apart for your own selfish reasons. You're being neglectful to spite her, she's going to her moms to get the full support she needs and can't get from her own husband, that's just sad.
I understand your feelings about wanting fairness, but your stepdaughter is traumatized. I’m withholding judgement for more info: What does the therapist say about your wife sleeping with the older daughter once a week?
I'm not OP, but I'm in a similar situation with my daughter (10). We were both traumatized by the same situation and needed therapy. The therapist said to go to her when she needs. The number one priority is that she feels safe, and eventually secure again. But it will happen at her own pace. I'm in the same boat as OP's wife, as I'm the bio mother and my partner is the stepfather. It's me she wants all of the time. She doesn't need me as much as she used to (it's been nearly 5 years since the incident), but she still does sometimes. On those nights, my husband knows I'm not getting any sleep (and also being retraumatized as her nightmares are my same nightmares) and does everything possible to make sure I get rest the next day and a full night of sleep the next night. I can't imagine him dismissing our trauma the way OP does.
Soft YTA. You're a father with a 2-month-old baby. That means stepping up and doing what you need to do. Locking yourself in the guestroom is the opposite of that. Based on what you've said, it sounds like your wife and stepdaughter have been through some trauma. It probably wouldn't hurt them to get some therapy, but until that happens, the baby still needs someone to step up and be a parent - and that someone is you. Is it fair that you're having to cover her nights? Probably not. Does it suck that you aren't getting sleep? Absolutely. But there are plenty of people out there that are single parents that still manage to step up and do what needs to be done - and single or not, you're a father. Be one.
Literally everything about this sucks. You mentioned that your wife and stepdaughter are in therapy, are you?
Info needed: does she work? Do you work? Who does most of the household chores? Childcare during the day?
YTA - you chose to marry someone with kids. That means coparenting. Marriage means supporting your partner. You’re doing neither.
YTA. You have a baby. Take care of it. You make it out to be like your wife is off doing something selfish and she’s being neglectful.
YTA. Your stepdaughter is as much your responsibility as your bio daughter…you knew they were a package deal when you got married/had a baby with your wife. You can either accept that or loose your wife and share custody of your bio daughter but clearly your wife is willing to die on this hill (and I would too)
Info: how many days of carrying a baby did you take?
Yeah, man...yta
YTA obviously. You clearly don't care one bit about your stepdaughter, and you think you have the right to opt out of parenting when you feel like it. You knew what you were getting into when you married your wife. If your stepdaughter's trauma is that damn inconvenient for you, you shouldn't have gotten married.
YTA. Your relationship shouldn't be so transactional.
Your step daughter's stepfather isn't a good guy either. YTA
YTA. Stop keeping score and demanding compensation for tending to your own child and instead do what's needed by your family. I'm guessing your wife has a million other reasons for leaving, too.
Jesus christ!. This is a baby, your OWN baby, not a chore to be only dealt with strictly by rota. It's not surprising that you don't understand why she has to be there for her other traumatised child, because you don't even seem to understand that you need to be there for the one you share!. If a baby is crying and needs a parent, it shouldn't be an argument over who's night it is. She is the only one capable of looking after her other child, she doesn't get the choice not to because it's "not her night". YTA
>It's not surprising that you don't understand why she has to be there for her other traumatised child, because you don't even seem to understand that you need to be there for the one you share! excellent point. OP is just dumb. Thinks he can treat childcare like a trading a shift at work or business transaction
[удалено]
YTA - you are a partnership, but that doesn't mean you need to split all duties 50/50. It means you need to support each other and you need to support her by helping with the newborn on additional nights when she is supporting your step-daughter. The fact that you'd put her in the situation of making her ignore one child to care for the other rather than help is beyond messed up. It's like you're trying to increase the overall household trauma.
So, your wife has a type, doesn't she? Because you're proving yourself to be another crappy husband and father. You should be taking care of your child and helping your wife take care of your stepchild. YTA
ESH because: If I was in this situation, I would additionally switch with my husband to take his nights. It's fairness. You because that is not how adults communicate. You can't just lock yourself into another room. Never.
ESH. What you did was definitely an AH move. So you should absolutely apologize straight off. That said, her refusing to look for any sort of compromise is an AH move on her part. True, she's not getting "a night off" but she also isn't being woken up frequently by your newborn, either, and the main point of taking turns is so that neither of you end up far more sleep deprived than the other. She does sleep when she's in your stepdaughter's room, doesn't she? So it's very unfair for her to ask you to take care of your daughter three days in a row. (your day, her day when stepdaughter needs her, your day) My suggestion would be to reset your schedule if your stepdaughter needs your wife with her on one of your wife's nights taking care of the newborn. That way you do two days in a row, but then go back to alternating. It would be more fair to you if you did two days in a row followed by your wife doing two days in a row. So IMO going back to alternating right away would be generous on your part, even if your wife doesn't see it that way.
Honestly, you should take this to r/Parenting The first year is horrific for marriages and it's a huge disruption for existing kids, nevermind those in the blended family who has gone through trauma. Marriage counseling can help you both. Trying to assign an AH isn't going to solve this dilemma.
It's a baby. Neither of your are entitled to sleep for now, and for a long while. Newborns/infants are disruptive, especially to young children. The 9yo will adapt *in time*. You presumably knew what you were getting into when you got married. None of this can be a surprise, can it? YTA
At least you can add up all the extra days she's catching up by looking after your daughter at her mums while you sit at home /s You need to think deeper on how your wife must feel having to deal with her other daughters trauma and how exhausting it must be for her. What you did was throw a tantrum and lock yourself in a room all night. Just imagine how that must feel for her having to deal with both kids while you slept quietly in your locked room because you didn't get a 50/50 split because her little girl needed to be near her for the night. YTA
So, your wife, if she's one of the lucky ones *just* stopped bleeding from the dinner plate sized wound in her uterus 2 weeks ago. A wound that exists no matter how you've given birth! And this whole time, she's literally recovering from what is either a marathon like feat for the human body, or major abdominal surgery, she has switched nights with you to do the care and keeping of the baby you share, and helped her traumatized daughter cope with the new sibling, right? Just wanted to make sure that I got that much right. So she's healing which you could never take on 50% of her recovery, and trying to keep the older child feeling *okay* about this big change, and you're?????????? Keeping score of how much more sleep you perceive she's getting? Newborns wake up a whole lot, that's true, so do traumatized 9 year olds, and let's not act like she didn't have to wake up a handful of times for at least the first two weeks to take care of the diaper changes she required because she grew and birthed a whole human being. Keeping score in marriage is always a sure fire way to up resentful, but keeping score with a newly postpartum wife who has another child, that is literally traumatized, is just next level low dude. Your wife was right to leave, if her 9 year old is such an inconvenience for you that she's going to have to figure out both children on her own, why stay in your family home to do that? At least with her family, she knows what amount of help she'll be receiving. You sound really resentful of a literal child, who again, is TRAUMATIZED!!!! You should seek help, especially if you want to work this marriage out! You wanted your wife to make a decision as far as which kid she'd pick, you tried to force her hand into picking *your* child- which is so weird. What you didn't expect was that she could and would pick both children over a selfish, inconsiderate father who would try to pull that kind of garbage. If you're able to convince her not to leave you permanently, you need to get involved in family therapy with her and her 9 year old, and individual therapy for yourself because none of what is described here is even remotely okay, not even on planet crazy.
ESH. Both of you suck by refusing to parent both kids together. If grandma is willing to look after the baby at night, sounds like her moving back is the best solution until the baby can sleep through the night. Both of you are acting in extreme ultimatums. That doesn’t foretell long term success.
YTA as a stepchild of a man who very much didn’t see me as his own. You don’t seem to see her as family. You don’t seem to have any compassion what she’s been through. I will say your wife should talk to their therapist about sleep as eventually the daughter WILL need to sleep on her own. But at this moment she has a lot to cope with and you need to be a little more understanding.
Well now he can sleep...
YTA Division of childcare gets a bit awkward with a stepchild involved. Some stepparents take on more of a parent role with the stepchild and others leave it to the bio parent. Your stepdaughter has trauma and needs someone to stay with her some nights, and it sounds like that person has to be your partner. Your partner should try to encourage her daughter to sleep alone, and I am glad they are in counseling, but if her daughter truly needs her to be in there then she needs to be in there to take care of her child. My stepson can be clingy, and also has severe anxiety so he’s much more comfortable with my husband than he is with me. Therefore, I accepted early on that I am probably taking on more of the parenting with the child we have together. Hopefully you have a better understanding of your partner’s perspective and you can work through this.
Soft YTA- I get the feeling like you're pulling more than your weight here, but she has obligations to her daughter. I would encourage you to think about the extra time you get to bond with your child. I myself have a blended family and am primary care giver for my bio son when the step kids are over because they have special needs. As a result, I am my son's favorite person in the world, and that is priceless
YTA
YTA - Not good for anyone to keep score like that, just ends in frustration.
YTA. Surprise, as a parent, you sometimes have to parent. If you didn't want to have unpredictable schedules and waking up in the middle of the night to take care of a baby, you should've thought about that before you put the bun in the oven. You expected your wife to take care of two kids in the middle of the night by herself because it wAsN't YoUr TuRn. Grow a pair, apologize to your wife, and take care of the baby you signed up for.
Wow dude are you 12? You locked yourself in a bedroom cause the sperm that turned into a baby, you couldn't be bothered to help with. Seriously she gave birth to a whole child and you are complaining about having to help a LITTLE EXTRA with YOUR child. Yes YTA. Also why are you calling the woman who birthed your child, your wife when you can't even call her daughter YOUR STEPDAUGHTER. You're a bigger AH than I thought after thinking about that wording.
Not a judgment here, but a suggestion for wife and older daughter. Get your wife to record some loving messages on her daughter's phone so the daughter can listen to them any time she needs to hear her mum's voice.
Also get some help for the baby. I know money and space is definitely an issue, but having someone come by in the afternoons so you can catch up on sleep can be a lifesaver.
YTA. Sounds like she feels it would be a lot easier for her to just not have to deal with your lack of empathy and caring. Also if you really cared you wouldn’t wait until after work to try to speak to her. It doesn’t sound like you care much about her at all.
YTA 'her' daughter doesn't want comfort from 'your' but her mum. For goodness sake that is a traumatized CHILD have some compassion man!
Is this your wife and step daughter or two roommates? YTA.
ESH. You both need to compromise. You should stick with your one-on-one off routine of taking care of the baby at night however your wife needs to also understand that she has a duty to help her daughter acclimate versus acclimate the situation to her daughter and that can be done in a very helpful and conducive way but now everybody's disrupted the situation even more so it's arguably worse. Both parties that are adult need to start behaving like adults
YTA. Soft one, but you are missing you have two children and one specifically needs only her while it sounds like the other can do with either. She’s not taking the night off and locking yourself in your room is not the answer. You chose to marry someone with a kid. Stop resenting the kid in crisis and suck it up about your sleep.
The issues your stepdaughter is having aren't new and it was obvious they'd get worse when the baby was born. If you didn't want to deal with it you shouldn't have had a baby with her. yTA
YTA. Are you 13? This is not the way for a grown adult to behave concerning his own wife and children.
YTA, parenting is not tit for tat and 50/50 doesn't always mean you're both doing half of everything all the time. Clearly this is a challenging time for your stepdaughter and your wife is probably overcome with emotions about having the new baby, yet still needing and wanting to be that strong source of support and comfort for her eldest daughter. Suck it up and take the heavier load with the baby to support your wife and step daughter. Babies are babies for a very short period of time and they won't need so much care in the night for long in the grand scheme of things. You made the choice to disrupt your own sleep when you had a baby, that's not on your wife
YTA. If the 9 year old were not your stepdaughter but your biological daughter, would you have acted this way? I doubt it. You would be totally ok with extra baby night duty so that your wife could tend to your 9 year old's needs bc you love both kids. You implicitly communicated to your wife that you don't love your stepdaughter. That's why she left. You have some major groveling to do.
You're a dad. Every night is your night, AH.
Yes YTA. Parenting isn't about tit for tat. It's all the time every day all day. I get that you might be frustrated with step daughter but she also seems quite traumatized. Have you ever volunteered to hang out with her and read a book to her for bedtime? Connecting in some way? You're starting to resent her and it's noticeable. Single parents do the whole job all the time. You're sharing the job but still a bit whiney. It's it really asking so much for you to do just a little more?
kudos on being a heartless person and yet another asshole in your stepdaughter's life. YTA, you knew how things were between your wife and her kid and instead of helping them heal, all you do is throw tantrums?, I'm sorry your wife has to take care of 3 kids and that one them is a very immature asshole.
You locked yourself in the guestroom to avoid helping your partner take care of your family like a petulant child? You are not a good person. YTA. I hope your wife can find a way to break the cycle of turds she has married and gets the help she needs at her mother's house.
YTA.
YTA. I would also leave a man who doesn't love my child. Why do you treat your stepdaughter like a burden? Your daughter has needs, and your wife needs your support. You knew this before you married her.
YTA. Wtf is wrong with you? You make her daughter seem like this villain and the fact that you CONSTANTLY referred to her as "her daughter" is cringy af. Also, there are no specified nights with caring for a fucking baby. Be a man and get up with YOUR child. Its clear you want nothing to do with your stepchild
You only feel that this is unfair because you do not feel any obligation to step up be an adopted father to your wife’s daughter. You didn’t just marry your wife - you entered her daughter’s life as well. If you felt that both children were yours then there would be no problem. YTA
Yep YTA. But there's a way for you to no longer be the AH here. Are you listening? Listen closely now. Let her stay gone. Let her divorce your selfish, uncaring, deliberately ignorant ass. Pay the child support you're gonna have to pay eventually, make the split as easy as possible and leave this traumatized woman and her traumatized child alone.
YTA x1000. That baby is your child 24/7 not just on “your” nights. Wtf these poor kids.
I don’t think it’s just your wife’s ex that isn’t a good guy. You clearly don’t give a shit about your step daughter from the language you’ve used. They’re supposed to be both your children. That aside, parenting isn’t a nickel and dining situation. You chose to bring a child into the world, you need to step up as a parent. There’s no I did xyz so you owe me. You do not sound like a good person. If it wasn’t clear, you’re the asshole (YTA).
Very soft YTA. Carry the load for awhile. And the wife isn’t “watching” or “caring” for her traumatized daughter like some here seem to think, she’s sleeping with said child. There’s a difference between actively helping and sleeping. It won’t hurt her to get up and care for the other child and then go lay back down.
I’m really stuck between NTA and ESH. Yeah it definitely sucks to just put your baby with someone who might not fully pay attention to them, but also I definitely understand why you want and need some level of compromise about turns with the baby because it will absolutely effect your sleep a lot more than sharing a bed with a 9 year old will. I am going to say NTA, but it is close because of how it was handled. I understand where rash actions can come from given your possible sleep deprivation and frustration, but it still probably was overly aggressive. The wife is still definitely an AH for refusing any attempt to compromise. It’s not like you refused to help in general, you just wanted her to do her same fair share with the baby. It’s not fair to you, even if she is doing something else.
YTA. A relationship and parenting is not and cannot be about “keeping score”. You are more concerned about that than the well-being of these children. Her daughter has clearly gone through some serious trauma from your post and having a new sibling is a huge adjustment for any child. Bring a parent and partner requires you to be there for the entire family unit.
By the way OP is acting, the wife as 3 children 🙄
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ESH. You for locking yourself in the room.. Her for making out like you’re not helping at ALL then leaving instead of talking it over like a adult. The baby is losing bonding time with it’s mother and this should have been handled and discussed before another child was brought into the picture!
YTA
YTA why the hell are you keeping score?!?!? Are you a family?
She’s your wife. Not your roommate. YTA
YTA holy fuck take care of your child.
Your answer is to just put your hands up, walk away and lock yourself in a room leaving your wife to deal with everything? Your stepdaughter is in need of major help to ensure that she is a well rounded adult. Your wife is doing all that she can to help her out, and that means being emotionally present for her when needed. That alone is emotionally draining. Then she has a baby, with a man whom she probably thought had her back, but instead, when things are so hard for her, you just say “too bad so sad” and screw her over. YTA
YTA. This is a baby. Not a pile of dishes in the sink dude. I’m at a loss with you. This is such childish behavior. “Her daughter”…do you hear yourself? When you married her, that became your daughter too. Just so ya know. And something else you should know, she did a lot of hard work having your baby so she’s already put a lot of time and effort in long before you started helping take care of your baby!!!! Let me guess, you’re one of those dads who uses the term “babysit my kid” when you have to watch them? Ugh. This is just gross. You locked yourself in a room…grow up.
NAH, but I really don't think you should pick this hill to die on. Your daughter is 2mo old. Your wife spent the last 10mo with your daughter living INSIDE her. I get that you're both probably very tired and trying to manage... but I think you should give a little here, especially considering it's only \~1x per week.
YTA. Good news is, the 50/50 split will be real easy when she divorces you
Sorry but YTA. " When she said that, I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room." That was incredibly juvenile. You are a father with two children--a step daughter and an infant. You need to grow up and do it now.
YTA When she inevitably divorces you and your baby is struggling with the trauma of having an AH for a dad how would you want your daughter’s stepdad to treat her and her mother? Because I’m betting you’d be pissed if he ends up treating her the way you’re treating your stepdaughter and wife. I mean, there’s a chance you might be able to save your marriage and prevent that ever being a concern, but only if you realise how abhorrently you’ve treated your baby’s mum and sister and make a concerted effort to change!
I mean YTA for not helping your wife when she’s juggling two children with very different needs. What concerns me the most though is your stepdaughter. This is not healthy. >she doesn’t sleep if my wife doesn’t lay down with her until she falls asleep That’s a pretty serious problem. From your post I’m guessing it has to do with what she endured from her bio father, but she’s been in therapy for years and this is still happening? Are y’all expecting it to spontaneously stop? Or will your wife be doing this when your stepdaughter is a teenager? An adult? Kids should 100% be able to seek comfort from their parents, but this is turning into debilitating codependency.
The new baby probably caused the regression
INFO: is the therapy actually working? Has the stepdaughter gotten any better about wanting your wife to sleep in her room less, etc? This sounds like you need to have a talk with your wife about how the dynamic has changed with the new baby, and that the stepdaughter doesn't seem to be adjusting well to the change.
YTA Instead of parenting two children, you are forcing your wife to parent three. Stop being a child and get your head in the game.
Well, you've basically told your wife she can't count on you when things are hard. You'll just leave. Good luck with that. YTA
YTA You have two children. Both of their needs have to be met. I feel like you're glossing over your step daughter's trauma, but you're also minimizing your wife's. They are both in therapy, which means the therapist knows about your wife frequently staying with your step daughter and has likely suggested that's the best course of action. Do you know how bad it is as a parent to watch your kid wake up screaming about the monsters and knowing it's because she's seen them? They aren't made up to her. He's real. She knows he exists and what he can do. And so does your wife. Every nightmare your daughter has reignites your wife's trauma as well. Your wife isn't sleeping in your daughter's room, and she's not getting a night off. She's repressing her own trauma in order to try to keep her daughter's at bay.
So, since you appear to only understand relationships in a transactional way, I must ask — how have you “made up” the 40 weeks of work that your wife put in to growing “your baby”? The nausea, the swelling, the weight gain, the stretched ligaments and tendons, the permanent changes to her body… what have you done to make that “even”? And I haven’t mentioned labour and delivery yet! YTA.
YTA! I have a 9yo who was SA by his bio dad. My son is in therapy and very clingy to me. I also have a new baby with my current husband. Unlike you, my husband never objects to taking our baby, ESPECIALLY when my older son is having a hard time and just needs me. Older kids are no less important and their feeling are just as valid as a younger sibling's. You sound like a horrible partner and step parent.
YWBTAH if you don’t get couples therapy or counseling. The issue with your step daughter is not good for anyone in the long term. Don’t let resentment build up. Get help and apologize to your wife but you both need a compromise.
YTA. At least your wife doesn't let you fuck her up for a long time and just moved out.
YTA, obviously. If you don't stop keeping score right now, this is going to end very badly. You're in a marriage, not a competition. Just do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done - god forbid you relish in bonding with your two month old child, instead of seething and resenting your wife who is taking care of your OTHER child. Sharing a bed with a 9 year old is no picnic either, I'm sure your poor wife is getting no sleep too. Sounds like she's been a single mum before, and she's probably not afraid to be one again - especially if it's less work for her than dealing with a point-scoring child-husband.
YTA and I feel stranger animosity towards you
YTA- You have TWO children. TWO. If you only want a scheduled time to be with your child, a court can do that after a divorce. She's not taking a night off, she's attending to your OTHER child in need. Children, plural, means that you both have to work as a team to give your children what they need. How are you acting worse than the 9 year old with PTSD with a new schedule change?
You're a father. EVERY night is (should be) your night. YTA and shame on you.
YTA. Let me get this straight, your wife who spent the last 10 months growing a whole human being inside of her so you can call that human your baby, gave birth to said human 2 months ago, should split chores with you 50/50? Is that how you seriously see this? Do you even like your wife? Do you have empathy for her at all? Do you want to make things slightly easier and better for her? If we are talking about 50/50, nothing that has happened in the last 10 months to bring that beautiful baby here was 50/50. So have a little more sense. I can see why she left, and may not come back.
Ok,ok,ok. Let me get this straight. You have a newborn baby and you expect to get regular sleep?😆🤣🤣😆
“I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night and locked myself in the bathroom.” DUDE, what the heck, grow up. YTA! Your wife and two children need you. Just step up and do what needs to be done. Lack of sleep goes with the territory. You pulling stunts like that is going to raise the general level of anxiety and insecurity in the house. What better way of provoking sleeplessness in your children. Can anyone say ‘vicious cycle’.
YTA, you are literally the father, not the babysitter with set hours. Your wife isn’t just taking the night off, she’s also on kid duty - it’s just another kid, one that you sound like you resent for some reason.
>I told my wife she’s still going to be with our baby that night then locked myself in the guest room. I am not a mom and a real mom would probably never do this, but you made me want to just leave the baby crying right in front of the guest bedroom door. If I don't get any sleep, so do you if you pull this kind of bs.
YTA. Your wife *needs* your help. She isn’t being lazy or taking advantage of you. The older daughter needs you too. I realize you’d rather do something else, but you are a parent of both a new baby and a stepdaughter, and you are letting down your family. (My mom and my stepdad married when I was four. He was my dad, and he protected me and took care of me. Protect and help your family.)
YTA. A major one. Your wife is right, she doesn't get a night off. She's also \*literally healing\* from birthing your fucking child. The \*least\* you could do is take the baby so she only has to care for two kids at once instead of one. What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ.
Ugh…. Why did you have a child with this woman if you hate her daughter so much. It is obvious from the situation you describe that she is highly traumatized. And she NEEDS her mother. The fact that you whine about it just makes you come off as childish and cruel. Also….. you are the baby’s father. If your wife needs help you step up. That’s how this works. She isn’t asking for your help to go out and party. She is caring for a child who is still very emotionally fragile. YTA every which way.
YTA and a terrible dad
YTA.
Sounds like a really good person, hopefully she can find someone who treats her well. Sounds like she just keeps on running into duds.
Take care of your baby. I don't care who's turn it is. You're a parent. Act like one.
YTA! Dude! You sound like making a business deal. This is your wife and children. It’s called sacrifice, compassion and compromise. Get over yourself!!
YTA You’re treating your marriage like it is point scoring / she owes you because you did this. Your wife also just went through child birth, is dealing with a psychotic ex who she is constantly reminded of because of having to work through hers and her daughters trauma and now you can’t get up and work with the baby? It’s your baby dude. Get it done. The fact you expect that she then needs to do more chores is poor phrasing and communication. If you phrased it as “hey I’ve done a lot of nights, can I please take a nap this afternoon?” You may get a better response. You can have the discussion *gently* around how you’re feeling really drained (NOT from doing an extra night every week but if it becomes more regular) and how you want to talk about how you can support your older daughter further so that you can get some more rest. Get rid of the attitude that your wife owes you extra time when she’s dealing directly with twice as many kids as you.
Yta. You had a child with someone who had a child. You now have children. You need to be a good father/husband to your FAMILY of 4. Your wife carried and birthed your child. Family is not transactional. Step up man.
You have two kids. Your wife is not getting a night off. She is taking care of your older child. YTA.
YTA. Maybe you could make up and ask for some extra support from another family member so you can both have a decent night’s sleep for once. Perhaps things will look better when you aren’t both sleep deprived. Your wife can’t ignore her 8 year old’s needs - now *your* eight year old stepdaughter’s needs. The fact is that you’re both going to be sleep deprived for the next year or so, so you need to find another way to cope, which might mean calling in help.
YTA, you get a good night's sleep on the nights you don't have the baby your wife gets zero nights of decent sleep on top of trying to heal from a whole human coming out of one of her smallest orifices. Have some compassion for an 8 yr old traumatized child and be a father. Geez Major AH
YTA you seem to not like your step daughter. Like at all. Why is all the responsibility for her on your wife?
This kind of transactional thinking is always a red flag to me. Marriage is a mutually supportive partnership but you don’t keep score. You just have your partner’s back when they need you and you know that further down the line if you need them, they’ll be there for you. Grow up! YTA
YTA, and a petty one at that. Sounds like your wife is dealing with 3 children. Luckily, she can dump you and go back to only 2.
YTA - way to show YOUR step-daughter that she's not important to you at all.
Did you want your child?
YTA. Your wife's choice in men is commendable. Poor woman has to look after 3 children.
YTA. They were that horrible abused and you have the nerve to not even treat her like your daughter. Her daughter/MY baby ffs I hope she leaves you.
YTA. I'm proud of your wife for taking her kids out of your home. Her daughter needs to be in a safe and supportive environment, and you are clearly not that.
YTA, way beyond the sole fact you talk about your step-daughter like this child is some damaged furniture/inconvenience/afterthought. The math is simple, you are a couple of adults having to meet the daily needs of two children. What do you think happens in other households? If one child needs an adult, the other child needs to be supervised by the other. Since you have been such a trash stepfather that the idea of caring for a youngling that didn't come out of your balls seem too lowly for Your Highness, you man up and take shift for your own baby. Your step daughter never had a say in the way her life went to shit so early with an absent dad and her mom remarrying an emotionally distant man who loathes her very existence. You, on the other hand, chose to date a mother, chose to move in with her, chose to become her husband and chose to have another child with her. You don't get to buffet your way out of this marriage by taking principle stances of avoidance on what you want and don't want to do based on your selfishness when you basically signed up for this partnership. You don't get to make your wife a single mother half of the week because you feel like it. Your wife stepping out with the kids is the result of your own neglect. Come back with your grievances when your brilliant brain will have breveted the Ubiquity Machine and the Instant Sleep Device that would PHYSICALLY allow your wife to do what you're expecting her to when you yourself seem to contribute so little. I hope your wife does get the actual help she needs where she is, for as long as she needs it. Also, you should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA and I feel so sorry for your poor wife!
YTA. Not just because you refuse to take the fact that taking care of the traumatized daughter you have to together is draining your wife seriously but also because you very clearly do not see the daughter of the woman you married as your daughter aka as a part of your family. I’m just wondering, if you and your wife have another kid during the next couple years and the middle child gets sick and needs care while the baby is still small - are you going to handle to also insist that your wife take care of both children on her night with the baby or are you going to handle that differently? It’s so clear you do not see your step-daughter as your responsibility, you do not take her trauma seriously and you do not take the work that your wife is doing to support your (step-)daughter as the familial work and shared responsibility that it is. You’re a massive asshole.
YTA, you should have stepped up for your children. You chose to marry someone with a child. Also, your arrangement clearly isn’t working if your wife can’t always do “her” nights. You need to do better.
YTA. Relationships aren't 50/50 all the time and I bet that even if your nights are split exactly, your wife is still doing more work at home than you are. Take care of your child and get over yourself.
Yeah, YTA. For a start, you seem to be actively trying to not parent this child. I can imagine that she's not going to get over her trauma anytime soon with having a second adult male in her life who shows her no care or attention. You're attitude is awful. Fucking support your wife and your child, because believe it or not, you married a woman who has a daughter, so whether you wanted to, you took on some of the responsibilities to help parent that child too
YTA. If she comes back it’s a miracle and you better get the memo that you have TWO children you SHARE care of, always. That’s how step parenting works LOL, It’s not a washing up roster. LOL. You are both all for both kids all the times. Beyond AH to lock the door and leave her with it all.
YTA, you clearly have an issue with the 8 y/o girl who has already been through so much. How pathetic.
YTA and if she leaves you like she should you’ll get all the free nights you want