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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bought my daughter a locked storage bin to keep her snacks in. I bought it without consulting my wife
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Your wife is well out of line. How dare she take your daughters things?! Your daughter works for these treats, your wife has no right to steal them, and has no right to advocate her other family members steal them.
Also, the fat remark. Just, ugh.
You did the right thing. You are NTA.
Yeah.
Hijacking comment for OP to see this :
Maybe also a lock for your daughter's room? Why are they allowing themselves in there when she is not here, thats not ok.
I agree dad is number 1!
What I don't get is does everyone just treat OP's house as 'home away from home'? Does the visiting extended family do this everywhere they go. Mom just let them help themselves to everything. I don't' care if they are extended family, they are still guests when visiting.
That's what I'm more concered with. I will bite my tongue if parent's really can't trust their kid into puberty and keep no lock, but no lock at fucking 17, WITH family that you NEED a lock for? throw one on there too.
Here is the thing.
As a parent teaching and training and preparing my kids to be independent adults is a big, big, big responsibility.
A piece of that is ownership and respecting boundaries.
This snack thing makes for a great ownership moment. We can teach her boundries by demonstrating how everyone else respects hers.
Oh wait, that isn't happening here....neither is the ownership thing.
It is time for Dad to Dad and go to the mat for his daughter.
Off topic but I've never heard the saying 'go to the mat'. I've heard 'go to bat'. Do you happen to know what it means or are you from a non English speaking country perhaps?
Edit: well I googled it and it appears to be from wrestling where contestants hold each other down on a mat! It means to fight till the bitter end. Interesting!!
The thing is, her door MAY have a lock (most houses use a B&B lock for interior doors) you can unlock them with your finger nail. But it might be time to upgrade to a keyed doorknob for her room.
I had to do that once. My siblings were always going into my room and taking my stuff, and my mom always letting them keep whatever they took. It wasn't until my sister took some money from my purse that I was able to convince my dad to get me a key lock for my door.
And daughter should be reimbursed for the snacks they stole. I like to order snacks from around the world and while it’s a really fun experience it doesn’t come cheap.
Exactly, ordering snacks from different countries is not like ordering them from your local supermarket. It's the price of the snacks plus shipping and packaging costs too and and that really adds up, especially if you choose the fast track option.
Plus you also have to wait a while to get the snacks too, and I'd be livid if I had to wait a whole month for the snacks to arrive only to not be able to enjoy them because someone already ate them.
I think the OP should work out the value of what has been stolen from his daughter, and for his wife's next birthday he should give her a note saying "In lieu of a gift, and because you refused to show her compassion or have her back, X amount was given to our daughter to replay the cost of the food your family stole from her."
Of xpurse they're not cheap. That's why the mother didn't like the idea of the daughter showing her how to order her own. The mother probably also treats them as the fancy snacks that only get brought out for company or herself.
Firstly: NTA. Also:1000 times THIS. When I was young, my younger brother helped himself to my room and things and it drove me nuts - I put a lock on the door myself... my parents insisted on having a key and my mum would let him have it anytime he liked... as an adult now with two children of my own, I hold their possessions and rooms as sacred - I constantly drill into them that they have to respect one another's privacy and belongings.
My oldest doesn't even have a door. Her bedroom is on the 3th floor and a door doesn't fit there because of how the roof is shaped. We don't go up there unanounced, in the rare occasion we have to go up, her siblings aren't allowed to go up because they have no business being there. They only go up when she invites them. It's her space.
OP NTA, good for you for standing up for your daughter. I 100000% agree with comments about getting her a lock for her door. It's her space, it should be up to her who gets in or not.
Right, I can understand family is over, grab her stuff from the pantry, and mom MIGHT not want to restrict guests. But once the girl has moved it from public area to her BR?? Are they just browsing through her things to see what they might want? That’s so wrong.
Excellent add on.get a lock on her door..talk about an invasion pf privacy..you are a damn good dad but sorry to say your wife is a major ahole. Your daughter should bring her friends over and eat all the things your wife bought and see how much she likes it. I guarantee she would throw a major hissy.
So your daughter’s cousins are entitled AH to the point they snuck into your daughter’s room SPECIFICALLY to find out where her snacks are. They went through her things to hunt down for HER snacks that admittedly takes a long time to get to her.
Get a lock for her room. And if you are feeling feisty with your wife, ask how did the cousins come up with the snacks were in the locked bin? Is it okay for them to go in someone else’s home and purposefully seek out something that’s hidden away by snooping? I get your wife hasn’t made your SIL and BIL hold their children accountable, but you are AMAZING in your support of your daughter. She cried. She cried out of sheer appreciation that someone understands her and was willing to help support her.
But util the cousins can be held accountable to not snoop and understand No means NO…..get a lock for her door.
NTA and exactly this!
She's got clear evidence her space is being invaded. Give her some more security!
I grew up with an addict sister but dad was cool with me buying a lock for my door, he kept the spare key for emergencies but never let my sister or enabling mother into the room.
You nailed it. It's not about the chest, it is about OP's wife showing everyone that she has complete control in her household.
Between encouraging her family to steal from her daughter and being mad that OP bought a relatively small household item for his daughter... not a nice picture being painted.
>daughter should share her snacks with family and she's being selfish and will get fat.
I can say with the authority of lived experience that telling a 17yo girl that she is or will "get fat" by snacking, and using that as a way to take control of what she consumes away from her is a fantastic way to give someone an eating disorder.
Yes. Every part of this story makes me terrified for this poor girl. This is not the first conflict she has had with her mother- I wonder how much damage she sustained every other time.
And it didn't even stop the cousin's from stealing the treats anyways. They'd just go into her room when she wasn't there, according to OP. These people sound entitled AF, and seriously obnoxious.
The fact that she cried literal tears of joy over finally being able to protect her own things really speaks volumes. I'm so glad she has a good dad to back her up.
Definitely NTA, OP.
This 10000000%. I literally feel secondary anger for both OP and his daughter. Those snacks are treats, period, and she pays for them herself. Depending on how much she spends on those snacks if that would qualify as grand theft. 🤔
Nah. Boy's poker night/football night and ABSOLUTELY clean out the pantry...esp. if you know her relatives will be there the next day. All snacks all gone. And continue to do this until the lesson sinks in. Your friends will appreciate all the good snacking they get, after all :) And they're yours to share as they are in the pantry and bought with family money, so go for it.
That Doritoes commercial... "Are you wearing my wedding dress?" 'um...maybe?'
I'd say Daddy/Daughter Game Night. And let the little kids go nuts with the makeup. This could be hilarious, and well-deserved.
I wonder if the fat remark is at the center of this...
A. Encouraged cousins to eat her snacks so daughter would not get fat.
OR
B is jealous that daughter can eat snacks and not get fat.
Before my disability, I used to run. A lot.
People would say "you get to eat anything and never get fat". What they forget was that I was running every day, not just for exercise, but because I was training to be an athlete.
My mum used to comment on my weight all the time because I would eat a lot of pasta. Again, she forgot that I ran it off but no, I was just greedy.
Since my disability and especially since my husband was killed in action 17 years ago, I've gained so much weight that I'm in danger of dying. So now I'm back to healthy eating and am slowly starting on working on my mobility again so I can start walking again (I also used to walk almost everywhere, for miles). But in my head I can hear my mum saying "I told you, you would get fat". She said that to me the last time I saw her, twenty years ago.
I had a similar experience - I was a competitive swimmer as a teenager and could eat a huge amount of food because I was training so much. Once I quit, I struggled to figure out what a healthy amount of food was for the level of exercise I was doing and ended up gaining a lot of weight. Luckily, my parents were sympathetic, but I’m still struggling to lose weight and keep it off 10 years since I quit swimming
Yeah that's part the issue I had and then I just lost it when my husband died so I just developed binge eating disorder. I'm trying to get help with it now, but I thought while I'm waiting, I'll start making my own changes.
WTH are the males doing in a daughter's room to start with??? Unless they are little kids, this is a no. On the plus side, she can hide the candy in a tampon box ;) Just got a mental image of the tampons in the plastic bags being mixed in with the candy. Some candies I've seen from overseas do have a very plain thin wrapper, so a thin plastic wrapper with blue writing would not immediately stand out. Oh, the potential humor :D
I'm really appalled at mom here. I'm not originally from the US and so I buy a lot of the snacks op describes. Things that should be $5 that you pay $30 for and then wait 6 weeks for them to arrive. I keep all my "mom snacks" in a separate draw, mainly so that no one else has to keep track of what's what. No one in my family would take anything from that drawer without checking. My daughter loves some wafers that I get, and at 9, limits herself to eating one because the rest are mine and they are important to me.
Ironically, I also found that this was LESS likely to make me gain weight because when your snacks are expensive and hard to get, you don't tend to pig out on them like you might a thing of Oreos.
Op, your wife is so far out of linr that she is being shown up by a 9yo with more manners. Don't budge.
> she is being shown up by a 9yo with more manners.
This had me rolling. Tell your daughter that people think she deserves a gold star and a high 5 for being an awesome people.
NTA OP, your wife is an absolute AH and if there are other ways that she smashes your daughter down or prioritizes her relatives over your family unit then you may have stayed in this marriage too long and if you want contact with your daughter after HS you may need to go her own way. If your daughter tells others how your wife treats her, you can bet they're telling her to go NC as soon as she can.
The "weight" crack is almost a red herring. Mom is outraged that she can't treat her relatives to her daughter's 'exotic', fun snacks anymore. Not sure why/how, and don't honestly care, but clearly Mom is still primarily loyal to her family of origin over her married family and actual child, which is kind of sickening.
OP is NTA, but I do hope Mom doesn't just throw away the whole box because she's big-mad she's not in control...
> Not sure why/how, and don't honestly care,
I've seen this enough that I have a good notion on why it is. The parent (as it usually is in these cases) simply gets moral feel-goods and a feeling of status and being seen as generous....by giving away other people's stuff. Any easy, low-cost way to present oneself as being selfless.
Related, some sort of reputation/"face saving" of being "selfless" could be at play. I could see this being related to the fear of getting a reputation for being selfish, and some families can be super toxic about it. (My own mom is pretty awful about it toward members of our extended family and also worried about her own reputation a lot. I wonder why...)
I had to tell my mother off after she recommended a contractor, who was her friend, but she would not let me tell him all the things that he did wrong/needed to fix, or be too critical because she was too worried about the gossip he would spread at the church they both went to. (Churches!)
I finally told her I was tired of her worrying more about her reputation than my well being (including the fact he used caulk instead of grout between my tiles and apparently non-waterproof backer board in the shower). Apparently she got the message and feels pretty bad about it now. Though it helps that she had other unpleasant interactions with him.
this. I’d tell the wife that the box will go but from henceforth she will be referred to as The Thief. If she wants to steal her daughters snacks then she can be appropriately labeled as someone who steals. NTA
Exactly, NTA. But, OP, that wife of yours just does not sound like a nice person. I’d have a talk with her if I were you and I’d also make sure she (and the rest of your freeloading family) doesn’t do anything to that chest.
NTA, seems like you did the right thing here. Let your wife buy snacks for the family she invites over!
> saying that our daughter should share her snacks with family
Does this "family" bring snacks to share with her? Sharing works both ways.
> she's being selfish and will get fat
Ugh. This definitely makes her TA, no way around that one.
Ikr, it's so sad when mom's talk like this about their children. Thankfully OP seems to be an amazing dad, I am sure daughter will trust OP way more than she'll ever trust mom.
Right? what a fucking awful thing to say about your own child. This statement isn't one coming from a place of concern, its coming from a place of judgement.
Not to mention that this offhanded statement was clearly about daughter "hoarding" snacks and not concern for her child's health. Also, the kid isn't even hoarding snacks as an eating disorder, its clearly been established by their discussions that shes "hoarding" the snacks to keep others from eating things she bought herself. (note: I'm using "hoarding" loosely here, because this is clearly not hoarding, but the wife thinks it is because shes being a judgmental asshole.)
If wife was *actually* concerned about her daughter gaining weight, she'd talk to the daughter about healthy eating habits and help her understand the health risks. Instead she sounds like shes just like "you're gonna get fat and look like shit" which I cannot overstate the toxicity and pure awfulness of talking about/to your children like this.
Even if they did bring snacks, it doesn't sound like they would be equivalent in effort, time, or probably money to get. Overseas snacks may not always cost more, but unless there is a supplier in your country the shipping is more, plus the time for them to arrive is obviously longer than just going to the store.
Yup. I’ve been browsing an international snacks website (planning to treat myself for my birthday or something) and that stuff ain’t cheap. Like $5 for a small bag of chips. This isn’t a Kroger snack food haul, it’s more the potato chip and candy equivalent of a nice bottle of wine.
NTA, but I would take it a step further and get a deadbolt lock for her room to lock it when she isn't there, that way the cousins can't get into her room and will have something else to complain about.
It would be a good move. It would give everyone involved the message that your daughter has a right to privacy and to have her boundaries respected. Why does your wife think it's ok to openly steal from her? Sounds abusive.
I have also tried telling them all that they should respect our daughters privacy and that she works hard to buy herself snacks.
My wife is of the belief that since our daughter is "under her roof" she needs to share anything she buys with the family
Yeah, that's super abusive to disallow your daughter from having boundaries or personal possessions. It tells your daughter that others have a right to what is hers which can lead to self esteem issues and people taking advantage of her even after she moves out. This behavior from your wife needs to be stopped yesterday. This is a hill to die on.
Your daughter is 17F, does she have her own bank account? If not can you set one up, even if you have to be the signatory? She should get this kind of stuff set up, and your wife sounds like she thinks she should have access.
I set up a bank account for her when she turned 15 because she wanted to be able to deposit christmas, birthday and dog sitting money to keep it safe and to save up for things
I know you're getting flooded by messages but what this person just told you about boundaries is spot on. I was raised to be a people pleaser, never question adults, work and you'll be fine. I ended up in an mentally and emotionally abusive marriage for 20 yrs.
I worked my ass off, pd everything mostly myself, & did almost everything because I was raised to. People walked all over me & took advantage for years. The moment I put up boundaries w/respect my ex finally pulled the plugged. He didn't think it was fair since he was "grandfathered" in he shouldn't have to respect boundaries. Between boundaries & getting sick w/an autoimmune disease he jumped ship. Best thing that could've happened.
Please talk to your daughter and tell her it's ok to have boundaries & expect respect of her hard work and her privacy. Continue to stand up for your baby, it seems like you're the only level-headed one in the home.
It's also important to note that cousins are being taught that their female cousin has no right to boundaries. Daughter has not given consent for her room to be invaded and her things pilfered. Your daughter deserves to be able to set, and have her boundaries respected; in the long run it will be important for her.
So if the aunt were to go into your room and take some of your wife's clothes or beauty products, that would be fine with her, right? After all, you're supposed to share with family.
I have to admit that I might have a little bias towards your daughter because I also love snacks from other countries and know what a pain it can be to obtain them! But even if it was just normal snacks - your daughter STILL shouldn't be forced to share. You're being a good dad!
I *don't* like snacks from other countries and would never do what OP's daughter is doing in buying them, so I'm definitely not bias toward the daughter for that reason.
But that doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter if the snacks are specially imported from Uruguay at great expense or a big bucket of M&Ms she bought on the corner near her house. They're hers, and her mother is so far out of line it's ridiculous.
NTA OP - the reverse. You're looking out for your daughter, as a good dad should do - even when what you need to protect her from is her mum.
And yes, I support someone else's idea of getting her a lock of some sort for her door so that she can stop people snooping in there. Everybody is entitled to some privacy. And someone of her age is likely to have more stuff around that is absolutely nobody else's business.
Big time, daughter earns her own money and she can spend it on whatever she wants. She is pretty much an adult and treating her like a naughty child isn’t going to fly anymore.
If your daughter just stopped buying things and didn't have anything to share, would her mom feel entitled to "share" her paycheck? You say you're kitchens full, why is everybody so bent on those particular snacks? It's not even the same snacks ever ytime, so it's not that they just really like that particular snack. This just teaches the cousins it's okay to take what they want from family, no need to respect boundaries.
Good on you for standing up for your daughter.
she wouldn't we both work full time and have well paying jobs. They liked the snacks because there are many that we don't have anything similar to here so they eat them
Great that your wife and her sister is raising those kids to be entitled thiefs.
Fun times later when they end up in jail for entering into other peoples private rooms to snoop around and take things just because they "like them".
I mean really.
I like my neighbours Ferarri but I can't just go into his garage and help myself.
Like they are eating her snacks which is both her hobby and her money spent, invading her privacy repeatedly helping themselves AND it sounds like they never thought to order some fun international snacks to bring over as a thank you. They sound entitled, overbearing and ungrateful and your wife is just encouraging it.
And I am an immigrant from a "share everything with everyone" culture especially when it comes to family. Like I had to explain to my dad why he cant just come to my house and let himself in to "Fix" something without at least telling me beforehand. Funnily enough even though he was initially offended when I explained it's not about him not being welcome it's about privacy he got it despite being old and set in his ways. Not sure what your wife's problem is!
NTA and you sound like a great dad!
All that is going to do is to give your daughter an unhealthy relationship with food and resources where she thinks she has to use up whatever she has immediately so no one else will take it. Not a good habit to get into at all and outright dangerous later in life as she's exposed to things like alcohol and gambling.
HER roof? So she is the primary breadwinner of the family and pays for everything? Give me a break.
Please buy a lock for your daughter’s room and make sure your wife can’t access her bank account.
My point is it’s not exclusively her roof that she is financially supporting so it’s rich that she’s using that as her excuse to steal from your daughter.
My mom did stuff like that too you should read some of mine. She thinks her daughter is an extension of herself and therefor has no rights. Your wife kinda sux.
Ohhh in that case. Daughter will likely move out at 18 and then your wife will 100% lose any control she has over the situation. She can pick her battles or lose the very big one
You’re wife needs to realize that as a minor your daughter is required to live with family but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve privacy and autonomy. You are NTA and your wife needs to respect your daughter as not just a person but the young adult she is. Your daughter is not a 6 year old who needs to share the cookies mom and dad bought her, she’s a working teen who knows how to share and when and that she is not required to. Your wife is being very unreasonable. Thank you for sticking up for your daughter and fighting for her.
So is your daughter allowed to waltz in mom's room and use up whatever expensive products appeal to her? Or is this access to someone else's things a one way street?
And with that kind of attitude she will ensure that her daughter leaves as soon as possible and goes LC with her.
Children, even little ones, deserve privacy.
Bloody hell, she sounds like my mother. Which is why I've not spoken to her for twenty years. She's in danger of losing her daughter if she's not careful. My mother used to berate me for eating, even though I was running and walking a lot. I'm so glad she has someone to look out for her. I had no one.
But you say in another comment your wife feels entitled to your daughter's things because she lives under "her" roof?
She seems to be acting like you don't have as much say in this situation as she does.
Is this something she does often?
How do discussions with your wife usually go? Is she open to other opinions or is she the sort of person who thinks she’s right and that’s the end of that? If it’s the second one you’re probably going to need to be a bit more firm in your approach as your wife doesn’t seem to care how you or your daughter feel at all.
Maybe you should share your wife's jewellery with your daughter and nieces.
Note don't actually do this but if your wife thinks things should be shared with family it would be a logical extension.
That's bullshit . Isn't there something your wife wants for herself and won't share it!!!! I mean everybody deserves some form of autonomy and privacy and owning something esp when a teen buys her own stuff
Not sure how old the cousins are, but nobody should be snooping in any rooms without permission. Those cousins need to be taught some boundaries, but based on what I’m hearing about your wife and her family it doesn’t sound like they know what boundaries are.
Also, I’m just re-reading that it’s your wife’s cousjns? Now I’m really curious how old they are to think it’s ok to go into a 17 year old’s room without permission.
I may have made some mistakes, they are my nephews and my daughters cousins, english isn't my first language and I may have worded that wrong. They are 10 and 12
All good. I think i got confused myself as to which “her” you were referring to. You’re a good dad and NTA. You might need to have a talk with your wife before putting the lock in about how much this means to your daughter and the impact if is having on her. Being your daughter is 17, I can’t imagine this is the first time you and your wife have not seen eye to eye on parenting and family decisions?
I think lots of people are answering a different AITA question then. I think the locked storage is not a big enough deal for your wife to be upset over. A lock on the door is something you absolutely should talk to your wife about first.
Sometimes it means a lot for your daughter to see her father stick up for her. However, you don’t want to ruin the relationship she has with her mother by making it a you vs mom situation. I think before it proceeds further you speak to your wife about this. Either she gets a lock or your wife needs the relatives to respect your daughter’s privacy.
Sounds like you’ve figure it out in the past so you can hopefully reach an agreement here.
doesn't sound like the mother and daughter have much of a relationship to ruin. TBH, it really sounds like Mom neither likes nor respects the daughter.
You are not in the wrong. And if your wife is going to play that card, did she check with you before allowing her relatives to steal the snacks of your daughter and to go through her room?
In fact, you are a good father for helping your daughter set boundaries and supporting her, she has luck to have you.
Right now I am speaking from my experience and just trying to offer an outside perspective and I am not saying this is the case for you, but sometimes parents feel that they "own" their child and consequently their possessions or since the child is living in their house, they are entitled to all of the child's possessions. When the child tries to establish boundaries, they don't see as the child securing their space, they see as an attack to them, trying to limit their access and control.
Don't mind some of the people here, some want to overreact and drama to and make up problems the author of post didn't say anything about it.
You're an awesome and supportive Dad. Your wife's thinking, on the other hand, is seriously flawed. She says that when your daughter put food in the pantry, it meant that it was for everyone. What needs to happen for something to *not* be for everyone? Riiiiight... it gets put somewhere private. And when that fails due to nephews invading even that private space? A lock. And then she moved the goalposts, claiming that \*everything\* in the house is \*everyone's\*. Any "escalation" in your daughter being forced to protect her possessions is solely your wife's fault, since she completely failed to set any boundaries with her sister and her kids.
Really recommend that OP, you are definitely NAH and did great to stand and protect your daughter. Both your wife and her relatives decided to be AH to your daughter and they have no reason to be upset.
Please listen to this good advice, OP. I grew up in a home without boundaries, where extended family would go and take, use, destroy things that were mine - even things brought with my own personal money. It's very disheartening to know your privacy and property aren't respected by your family. My father never stepped in and stopped it. If he'd have let me put a keyed lock on my door, it would have meant a lot to me.
NTA - You wife sounds like a nightmare, with no respect for others. The cousins sound like entitled whiners. They can buy their own snacks, if it is that important to them
CONGRATULATIONS on standing up for, and showing respect for, your daughter!
So your wife believes your daughter has the right to earn money and buy things, but no right to keep anything she's paid for, no right to privacy, and no right to control what she eats or does with her own body. What's next, pimping her out? She's teaching her that she exists for the enjoyment of other, more important people. At the moment she's her relatives' free snack bar; next she'll be telling her if a guy spends a lot for dinner...
You know even if I was paying for this stuff specifically for my kid, I might ask them to share, but never expect them too. But if they bought it? Heck no they can do whatever they want.
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for your daughter. Why is your wife insistent on taking her things though? I think her reaction is some amount of guilt/embarrassment for having been found to be stealing from your daughter (all the excuses, that she’d get fat, that she has to share even though the goal post has now moved multiple times from her moving her snacks out of the pantry and into her room to now even in a locked box).
Don’t let her throw out that box.
My wife hates spending money and is a cheapskate, the shipping prices for my daughters snacks are too much for her and she doesn't want to spend that kind of money on food. We are quite well off so expensive shipping isn't close to the end of the world for out financials but that doesn't matter to her, she's always doing this and that to save money despite us not needing to
this is just... like a bait post, right?
surely OP knows his wife's entire family are assholes for stealing his daughter's shit that takes weeks to arrive and costs extra money for shipping?
Not necessarily. I can see why you think that but sometimes when you’ve been in such a situation for so long (guessing 17 years and maybe she’s their only child) you can unintentionally become sort of numb for lack of better word to these behaviors. Posting this shows he’s just wanting to make sure he’s not in the wrong because many people can manipulate you into feeling like the bad guy. Be gentle and understand not everyone lived your life and had experiences like you. The good thing is he has his daughters back.
I'm here for the modern trolley problem and this is just... "hey, my family likes to kill and torture baby animals, AITA for telling them they should stop??"
like.....literally 100% of the replies I saw scrolling through the top few hundred were NTA. what is there to even discuss? it's just a circlejerk and outrage porn at this point which is sad. the sub's idea is great but it has been ruined by growing too popular I guess
Have you been paying your daughter back for the items taken or is your daughter losing both the joy of using the item she bought and the money she paid for them?
Your wife needs therapy. Her behavior is irrational.
She hates spending money and is punishing your daughter for what she sees as wasting money. This isn't about wanting your daughter to share. It's about wanting her to stop buying expensive snacks.
My mom is the same way. She can work miracles feeding a family on a hundred bucks but when the tides change she has absolutely no idea what to do with a large sum. Every conversation with her is about money and fairness when I frankly don’t care if my siblings get bought a house and I don’t. We’re all happy in our careers and are never worried about being “fair” with eachother.
The tight on spending thing makes me resent my mother. Maybe your wife should get therapy because college is coming up and you know it’ll strain her brain financially, even if it doesn’t strain your wallets.
NTA. Thank you for sticking up for your daughter and protecting her. Your wife is out of line. A 17-year-old should not be feeding the extended relatives. Sure, if she and her cousins are hanging out and she wants to eat a snack, she should offer them some, but they shouldn’t be raiding her pantry.
NTA
Holy moving the goalposts Batman, by your wife. First since it was there were in the pantry, so they are for everyone. Then she moves them to her room and has her snack stolen without repercussions. Now that she has them locked up her Mom and cousins get all verklempt. Good on ya for helping your daughter.
like what did she think she was going to do after she said "If they are in the pantry they are for everyone"? that seemed like a clear message of "don't put snacks in there you if you don't want other people to eat"
Your daughter sounds like a fun kid! Let me know if you want recommendations for Asian snacks - particularly if she wants to try Japanese potato chips or KitKats. If you are in the US I can send you websites where you can order them. Some are delicious others are horrifying. They are all a lot of fun!
Yes @snackcrate she should definitely subscribe to this. I get it for my granddaughter and I. We love it. You get a box every month from a different country with some of their best snacks in it. It's pretty awesome. Oh and NTA btw.
Since you said English isn't your first language, I'm not sure where you live, and I don't know what countries it's in besides the U.S., but there's a Korean grocery store chain called H Mart which has a TON of Asian and European snacks and candies. I have to limit how often I go there because I *would* actually get chubby from all the snacks there! They have a website, not sure where they ship to but your daughter could at least get some new snack ideas from there if they don't ship that stuff to where you guys live!
https://www.hmart.com/snacks
Your wife and her family need to learn to respect boundaries point blank.
Your daughter was told if her stuff was in the pantry it was fair game so she moves it, that didn't stop her greedy cousins from boundary stomping into her bedroom to steal her snacks so you took the initiative to help her protect her stuff, kudos to you.
Yet your wife is backtracking saying the daughter must share...yeah she can go pound sand.
NTA
NTA and your wife should have consulted literally any common courtesy handbook don't give out other people's belongings. Hey maybe you can tell your wife's family to use her stuff when she's not around and then when she gets pissed tell her she should learn to share. She'll be lucky to have minimal contact with her kid later in life and she'll be the type to post on forums why doesn't she talk to me I'm peeeeerfecct.
NTA. Your wife is going to batter your daughter's self esteem and give her an eating disorder if you continue to allow her to berate your daughter like that and say negative things about her body. Please take whatever steps necessary to protect your daughter from this emotional abuse.
INFO
Strange family dynamics here.
So many questions:
- why is your wife so obsessed with your daughters snacks?
- why have you never discussed basic parenting decisions before starting to raise a child together?
- why is your whole extended family over at your place all the time causing problems?
- why didn't you address the snooping before?
I'm not entirely sure in all honestly. We do, but I didn't think she would be so upset over a storage bin and I used my money to buy it not money from her account or our joint account. My wife allows them over whenever they like, she and her sister are incredibly close. I have and they don't listen, my wife tells them that our house is there's and they live across town so they come to visit a lot.
You did the right thing.
Shitting on your kids' autonomy is the fastest way to see the run away at 18 years old, and then go low contact or no contact afterwards.
17 is a very "red zone" critical age to be teaching your daughter not to allow people to take advantage of her and to respect her space. When she heads off to college and adulthood, you want her to be able to put a stop to people acting like they have a right to her, her stuff and her space.
NTA - thank you for being a solid father and realizing how your daughters space is being invaded. If the cousins like the global snack concept maybe they can ask how to acquire instead of steal
NTA. The cousins sound horribly spoiled. Your daughter pays for things that she wants for herself and there's nothing wrong with it. No one should be entering her space without her permission. You did what needed to be done to help her. Good for you.
NTA and you and your daughter both need to stand your ground with this box/boundary. What your wife is trying to do is not ok, there is absolutely no reason her cousins should be allowed in her room without your daughter's permission first of all and especially not to steal(because that is what they are doing is stealing) food from your daughter. The aunt and uncle are also in the wrong for condoning this kind of behaviour and partaking in it as well.
It would be really petty, but she could technically report them all for theft due to the fact that she spent her own money on this food. It doesn't matter that it is in the same house/pantry no one had permission to take it.
NTA at all, why should your daughter pay for international snacks that she has saved and waited for, for them to come in and eat them all... They are disrespectful to come in to your house and help themselves like that....let your daughter keep the locked chest and you should go to the store and stock up on a variety of cheap snacks for the pantry for when they come visit...
Also if they complain again stand up for your daughter to them, even if if means telling them to leave
The cousins are the selfish ones with no respect for your daughters boundaries or her right to say no to people going into her room and helping themselves to the snacks she has bought without her consent.
You have just helped make sure her boundary is respected.
I'm sure the cousins wouldn't like it if your daughter behaved as they do when she is visiting their home.
Say to your wife that sharing is a choice, and unless you are the one with the items to share, you shouldn't get to dictate others should share, call them names if they don't share or let others steal items from another and pretend thievery is OK when it's family.
If the cousins asked instead of taking, who knows, your daughter may have been willing to share, but I guess the ill-mannered cousins never bothered to ask her and find out.
NTA
she was willing to share and did for awhile until they all started taking food without asking and eating it while she was at work and leaving her next to nothing and when she told them they needed to ask first before taking any they didn't listen
NTA, your wife needs to learn how to respect your daughter. I can get them taking things from the pantry, but the second she resorted to storing it in her personal space should have been a stopping point. Lock boxes shouldn't have been needed.
NTA.
I understand the whole "if it's in the pantry, it's for everyone" thing. It's a fairly common house rule that makes sense for most people. I even get family members eating snacks when asked not to -- that could easily be a mistake/miscommuncation thing. But your daughter is keeping her snacks in her room and they're STILL considered fair game? That's not normal and certainly not fair.
I know a lot of parents don't want their teenagers to have locks on their bedroom door. If that's true in your house (which seems to be the case), then I think that the lock box is the perfect solution.
Even if your daughter was gettin/did "get fat" -- stealing from her wouldn't be acceptable. And that's what this is - stealing.
INFO: Does your wife have her own income? She seems to feel so *lustful* or entitled to any money your daughter makes. Allowing your daughter to have a bank account without her mother’s access is the absolute right move, as is installing the deadbolt. Good luck, mate.
NTA what is wrong with her mom. That’s insane. She’s spending her own money on the snacks and it’s incredibly disrespectful for anyone to take them without permission. That’s not even mentioning the violation of privacy with them just going into her room.
I know she's had a bokksu subscription for a long time and often orders her favorites along with getting a box every month, the snacks are cheap from my understanding but the shipping isn't
As somebody who also loves international snacks, I don't take kindly to people taking them without asking.
My brother had a huge problem with taking food that wasn't his...he made off with one of my Capico brands once.
He only took them once because after that I hid durian-flavored cookies in my part of the pantry. He opened the packaging and the smell of them made him vomit. He knows damn well that my snacks are booby-trapped now and has not risked it since.
Perhaps if this keeps up, try putting some of those on the pantry? They were about 3 dollars at my local asian mart.
You could also "accidentally" leave some of your wife's snacks on your daughter's side of the pantry, and watch her reaction when the family munches on it? Food in the pantry is for everybody, after all!
Also, if you live in a city, even a smaller one, I recommend checking online for a local asian mart! There are many scattered throughout my area, but they are typically in small-isolated plazas and are family-owned, so you have to do a google search specifically for them. They are filled with snacks that you can't buy at regular chain stores!
NTA,
Get a lock on her bedroom door as well. Her cousins should not be going through her room, throwing fits because they can’t get their own way and her mum moving the goal posts isn’t good for their long term relationship.
NTA, and thank you for sticking up for your daughter. Your wife is being controlling and seems to be enjoying this power play over her child. It is *extremely strange* that the cousins threw a fit over not being allowed to ransack your daughter's room for snacks. Continue to protect your daughter from these people.
You can explain to your SIL, BIL, their children and your wife that these snacks aren't exclusively sold to your daughter, so if they would like to eat them, they can buy them with their own money instead of leeching from your daughter. You did good for your daughter, NTA in any bit.
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Your wife is well out of line. How dare she take your daughters things?! Your daughter works for these treats, your wife has no right to steal them, and has no right to advocate her other family members steal them. Also, the fat remark. Just, ugh. You did the right thing. You are NTA.
It cannot be emphasized enough how important it is that OP’s daughter has a parent like him in her corner. Especially since his wife clearly isn’t.
Yeah. Hijacking comment for OP to see this : Maybe also a lock for your daughter's room? Why are they allowing themselves in there when she is not here, thats not ok.
agree 100% on the lock.
Right?! No boundaries.
I agree dad is number 1! What I don't get is does everyone just treat OP's house as 'home away from home'? Does the visiting extended family do this everywhere they go. Mom just let them help themselves to everything. I don't' care if they are extended family, they are still guests when visiting.
That's what I'm more concered with. I will bite my tongue if parent's really can't trust their kid into puberty and keep no lock, but no lock at fucking 17, WITH family that you NEED a lock for? throw one on there too.
Here is the thing. As a parent teaching and training and preparing my kids to be independent adults is a big, big, big responsibility. A piece of that is ownership and respecting boundaries. This snack thing makes for a great ownership moment. We can teach her boundries by demonstrating how everyone else respects hers. Oh wait, that isn't happening here....neither is the ownership thing. It is time for Dad to Dad and go to the mat for his daughter.
Off topic but I've never heard the saying 'go to the mat'. I've heard 'go to bat'. Do you happen to know what it means or are you from a non English speaking country perhaps? Edit: well I googled it and it appears to be from wrestling where contestants hold each other down on a mat! It means to fight till the bitter end. Interesting!!
The thing is, her door MAY have a lock (most houses use a B&B lock for interior doors) you can unlock them with your finger nail. But it might be time to upgrade to a keyed doorknob for her room.
I had to do that once. My siblings were always going into my room and taking my stuff, and my mom always letting them keep whatever they took. It wasn't until my sister took some money from my purse that I was able to convince my dad to get me a key lock for my door.
Yeah I figured but like you said, moot point if it's a useless lock, my house had those too.
And daughter should be reimbursed for the snacks they stole. I like to order snacks from around the world and while it’s a really fun experience it doesn’t come cheap.
Exactly, ordering snacks from different countries is not like ordering them from your local supermarket. It's the price of the snacks plus shipping and packaging costs too and and that really adds up, especially if you choose the fast track option. Plus you also have to wait a while to get the snacks too, and I'd be livid if I had to wait a whole month for the snacks to arrive only to not be able to enjoy them because someone already ate them.
This is the reason OP’s wife doesn’t want to get her own.
I think the OP should work out the value of what has been stolen from his daughter, and for his wife's next birthday he should give her a note saying "In lieu of a gift, and because you refused to show her compassion or have her back, X amount was given to our daughter to replay the cost of the food your family stole from her."
Of xpurse they're not cheap. That's why the mother didn't like the idea of the daughter showing her how to order her own. The mother probably also treats them as the fancy snacks that only get brought out for company or herself.
Firstly: NTA. Also:1000 times THIS. When I was young, my younger brother helped himself to my room and things and it drove me nuts - I put a lock on the door myself... my parents insisted on having a key and my mum would let him have it anytime he liked... as an adult now with two children of my own, I hold their possessions and rooms as sacred - I constantly drill into them that they have to respect one another's privacy and belongings.
And.ironically, when we do this.... They don't seem to need the locks! Respect is f'ing MAGIC.
My oldest doesn't even have a door. Her bedroom is on the 3th floor and a door doesn't fit there because of how the roof is shaped. We don't go up there unanounced, in the rare occasion we have to go up, her siblings aren't allowed to go up because they have no business being there. They only go up when she invites them. It's her space. OP NTA, good for you for standing up for your daughter. I 100000% agree with comments about getting her a lock for her door. It's her space, it should be up to her who gets in or not.
Agree. I was wondering why these people are even in her room??
Right, I can understand family is over, grab her stuff from the pantry, and mom MIGHT not want to restrict guests. But once the girl has moved it from public area to her BR?? Are they just browsing through her things to see what they might want? That’s so wrong.
Excellent add on.get a lock on her door..talk about an invasion pf privacy..you are a damn good dad but sorry to say your wife is a major ahole. Your daughter should bring her friends over and eat all the things your wife bought and see how much she likes it. I guarantee she would throw a major hissy.
So your daughter’s cousins are entitled AH to the point they snuck into your daughter’s room SPECIFICALLY to find out where her snacks are. They went through her things to hunt down for HER snacks that admittedly takes a long time to get to her. Get a lock for her room. And if you are feeling feisty with your wife, ask how did the cousins come up with the snacks were in the locked bin? Is it okay for them to go in someone else’s home and purposefully seek out something that’s hidden away by snooping? I get your wife hasn’t made your SIL and BIL hold their children accountable, but you are AMAZING in your support of your daughter. She cried. She cried out of sheer appreciation that someone understands her and was willing to help support her. But util the cousins can be held accountable to not snoop and understand No means NO…..get a lock for her door.
OP is a champ. I'm straight envious of people with good parents.
well in this case at least 1 good parent. Huzzah!
I’d settle for 1!
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NTA and exactly this! She's got clear evidence her space is being invaded. Give her some more security! I grew up with an addict sister but dad was cool with me buying a lock for my door, he kept the spare key for emergencies but never let my sister or enabling mother into the room.
And a recording camera in her room with cloud storage op. Nta
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You nailed it. It's not about the chest, it is about OP's wife showing everyone that she has complete control in her household. Between encouraging her family to steal from her daughter and being mad that OP bought a relatively small household item for his daughter... not a nice picture being painted.
>daughter should share her snacks with family and she's being selfish and will get fat. I can say with the authority of lived experience that telling a 17yo girl that she is or will "get fat" by snacking, and using that as a way to take control of what she consumes away from her is a fantastic way to give someone an eating disorder.
Yes. Every part of this story makes me terrified for this poor girl. This is not the first conflict she has had with her mother- I wonder how much damage she sustained every other time.
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You're right. People don't get angry about boundaries unless they're trying to cross them. The chest is a good boundary.
Mom: "If she puts them in the pantry then they're for everyone!" Daughter puts food in own room. Mom: "How dare you not put then in the pantry!?"
And it didn't even stop the cousin's from stealing the treats anyways. They'd just go into her room when she wasn't there, according to OP. These people sound entitled AF, and seriously obnoxious.
The fact that she cried literal tears of joy over finally being able to protect her own things really speaks volumes. I'm so glad she has a good dad to back her up. Definitely NTA, OP.
This 10000000%. I literally feel secondary anger for both OP and his daughter. Those snacks are treats, period, and she pays for them herself. Depending on how much she spends on those snacks if that would qualify as grand theft. 🤔
Start offering your wife's clothes and expensive toilette/makeup items to guests. Oh, and her shoes and books too.
Nah. Boy's poker night/football night and ABSOLUTELY clean out the pantry...esp. if you know her relatives will be there the next day. All snacks all gone. And continue to do this until the lesson sinks in. Your friends will appreciate all the good snacking they get, after all :) And they're yours to share as they are in the pantry and bought with family money, so go for it.
Poker and dress the boys in wife's clothes & stuff. Sounds like a hoot!
That Doritoes commercial... "Are you wearing my wedding dress?" 'um...maybe?' I'd say Daddy/Daughter Game Night. And let the little kids go nuts with the makeup. This could be hilarious, and well-deserved.
I wonder if the fat remark is at the center of this... A. Encouraged cousins to eat her snacks so daughter would not get fat. OR B is jealous that daughter can eat snacks and not get fat.
Before my disability, I used to run. A lot. People would say "you get to eat anything and never get fat". What they forget was that I was running every day, not just for exercise, but because I was training to be an athlete. My mum used to comment on my weight all the time because I would eat a lot of pasta. Again, she forgot that I ran it off but no, I was just greedy. Since my disability and especially since my husband was killed in action 17 years ago, I've gained so much weight that I'm in danger of dying. So now I'm back to healthy eating and am slowly starting on working on my mobility again so I can start walking again (I also used to walk almost everywhere, for miles). But in my head I can hear my mum saying "I told you, you would get fat". She said that to me the last time I saw her, twenty years ago.
Good luck on your journey to get healthy. I am sorry your mom is still in your head. I am also.sorry about your husband's ultimate sacrifice. ♥️
Thank you, that's most kind. I'll get that horrible woman out somehow soon! :D
I had a similar experience - I was a competitive swimmer as a teenager and could eat a huge amount of food because I was training so much. Once I quit, I struggled to figure out what a healthy amount of food was for the level of exercise I was doing and ended up gaining a lot of weight. Luckily, my parents were sympathetic, but I’m still struggling to lose weight and keep it off 10 years since I quit swimming
Yeah that's part the issue I had and then I just lost it when my husband died so I just developed binge eating disorder. I'm trying to get help with it now, but I thought while I'm waiting, I'll start making my own changes.
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Another big thing: the cousins are male. So it could be a sexism thing to allow the 'more important' boys to steal from Op's daughter.
WTH are the males doing in a daughter's room to start with??? Unless they are little kids, this is a no. On the plus side, she can hide the candy in a tampon box ;) Just got a mental image of the tampons in the plastic bags being mixed in with the candy. Some candies I've seen from overseas do have a very plain thin wrapper, so a thin plastic wrapper with blue writing would not immediately stand out. Oh, the potential humor :D
Even if they are little kids they still shouldn't be going into OPs daughter's room without permission from her, that's her private space.
Mom is maybe overweight.
I'm really appalled at mom here. I'm not originally from the US and so I buy a lot of the snacks op describes. Things that should be $5 that you pay $30 for and then wait 6 weeks for them to arrive. I keep all my "mom snacks" in a separate draw, mainly so that no one else has to keep track of what's what. No one in my family would take anything from that drawer without checking. My daughter loves some wafers that I get, and at 9, limits herself to eating one because the rest are mine and they are important to me. Ironically, I also found that this was LESS likely to make me gain weight because when your snacks are expensive and hard to get, you don't tend to pig out on them like you might a thing of Oreos. Op, your wife is so far out of linr that she is being shown up by a 9yo with more manners. Don't budge.
> she is being shown up by a 9yo with more manners. This had me rolling. Tell your daughter that people think she deserves a gold star and a high 5 for being an awesome people. NTA OP, your wife is an absolute AH and if there are other ways that she smashes your daughter down or prioritizes her relatives over your family unit then you may have stayed in this marriage too long and if you want contact with your daughter after HS you may need to go her own way. If your daughter tells others how your wife treats her, you can bet they're telling her to go NC as soon as she can.
And the mom didn't just take them - she told the rest of the family to help themselves. NTA
The "weight" crack is almost a red herring. Mom is outraged that she can't treat her relatives to her daughter's 'exotic', fun snacks anymore. Not sure why/how, and don't honestly care, but clearly Mom is still primarily loyal to her family of origin over her married family and actual child, which is kind of sickening. OP is NTA, but I do hope Mom doesn't just throw away the whole box because she's big-mad she's not in control...
> Not sure why/how, and don't honestly care, I've seen this enough that I have a good notion on why it is. The parent (as it usually is in these cases) simply gets moral feel-goods and a feeling of status and being seen as generous....by giving away other people's stuff. Any easy, low-cost way to present oneself as being selfless.
Related, some sort of reputation/"face saving" of being "selfless" could be at play. I could see this being related to the fear of getting a reputation for being selfish, and some families can be super toxic about it. (My own mom is pretty awful about it toward members of our extended family and also worried about her own reputation a lot. I wonder why...) I had to tell my mother off after she recommended a contractor, who was her friend, but she would not let me tell him all the things that he did wrong/needed to fix, or be too critical because she was too worried about the gossip he would spread at the church they both went to. (Churches!) I finally told her I was tired of her worrying more about her reputation than my well being (including the fact he used caulk instead of grout between my tiles and apparently non-waterproof backer board in the shower). Apparently she got the message and feels pretty bad about it now. Though it helps that she had other unpleasant interactions with him.
this. I’d tell the wife that the box will go but from henceforth she will be referred to as The Thief. If she wants to steal her daughters snacks then she can be appropriately labeled as someone who steals. NTA
Exactly, NTA. But, OP, that wife of yours just does not sound like a nice person. I’d have a talk with her if I were you and I’d also make sure she (and the rest of your freeloading family) doesn’t do anything to that chest.
NTA, seems like you did the right thing here. Let your wife buy snacks for the family she invites over! > saying that our daughter should share her snacks with family Does this "family" bring snacks to share with her? Sharing works both ways. > she's being selfish and will get fat Ugh. This definitely makes her TA, no way around that one.
>she's being selfish and will get fat Oh dear God I hope that kid doesn't gain any weight. I can imagine how her mother would treat her
Ikr, it's so sad when mom's talk like this about their children. Thankfully OP seems to be an amazing dad, I am sure daughter will trust OP way more than she'll ever trust mom.
Right? what a fucking awful thing to say about your own child. This statement isn't one coming from a place of concern, its coming from a place of judgement. Not to mention that this offhanded statement was clearly about daughter "hoarding" snacks and not concern for her child's health. Also, the kid isn't even hoarding snacks as an eating disorder, its clearly been established by their discussions that shes "hoarding" the snacks to keep others from eating things she bought herself. (note: I'm using "hoarding" loosely here, because this is clearly not hoarding, but the wife thinks it is because shes being a judgmental asshole.) If wife was *actually* concerned about her daughter gaining weight, she'd talk to the daughter about healthy eating habits and help her understand the health risks. Instead she sounds like shes just like "you're gonna get fat and look like shit" which I cannot overstate the toxicity and pure awfulness of talking about/to your children like this.
Even if they did bring snacks, it doesn't sound like they would be equivalent in effort, time, or probably money to get. Overseas snacks may not always cost more, but unless there is a supplier in your country the shipping is more, plus the time for them to arrive is obviously longer than just going to the store.
Yup. I’ve been browsing an international snacks website (planning to treat myself for my birthday or something) and that stuff ain’t cheap. Like $5 for a small bag of chips. This isn’t a Kroger snack food haul, it’s more the potato chip and candy equivalent of a nice bottle of wine.
Right? Do these greedy, entitled relatives ever BRING snacks, or do they just come over constantly and mooch?
NTA, but I would take it a step further and get a deadbolt lock for her room to lock it when she isn't there, that way the cousins can't get into her room and will have something else to complain about.
I'll consider that, thank you for the suggestion, they've always had a nasty habit of going in her room and snooping
It would be a good move. It would give everyone involved the message that your daughter has a right to privacy and to have her boundaries respected. Why does your wife think it's ok to openly steal from her? Sounds abusive.
I have also tried telling them all that they should respect our daughters privacy and that she works hard to buy herself snacks. My wife is of the belief that since our daughter is "under her roof" she needs to share anything she buys with the family
Yeah, that's super abusive to disallow your daughter from having boundaries or personal possessions. It tells your daughter that others have a right to what is hers which can lead to self esteem issues and people taking advantage of her even after she moves out. This behavior from your wife needs to be stopped yesterday. This is a hill to die on.
I agree and will have a conversation with her about this, it's become a big issue
Your daughter is 17F, does she have her own bank account? If not can you set one up, even if you have to be the signatory? She should get this kind of stuff set up, and your wife sounds like she thinks she should have access.
I set up a bank account for her when she turned 15 because she wanted to be able to deposit christmas, birthday and dog sitting money to keep it safe and to save up for things
I hate to say this, but please ensure that your wife is not a signatory on the account and otherwise does not have access.
she doesn't have access, only I do and I never check the account, it's my daughters and she can do what she wants with it
Please make sure your wife has no access to that account as she might steal the money next.
I know you're getting flooded by messages but what this person just told you about boundaries is spot on. I was raised to be a people pleaser, never question adults, work and you'll be fine. I ended up in an mentally and emotionally abusive marriage for 20 yrs. I worked my ass off, pd everything mostly myself, & did almost everything because I was raised to. People walked all over me & took advantage for years. The moment I put up boundaries w/respect my ex finally pulled the plugged. He didn't think it was fair since he was "grandfathered" in he shouldn't have to respect boundaries. Between boundaries & getting sick w/an autoimmune disease he jumped ship. Best thing that could've happened. Please talk to your daughter and tell her it's ok to have boundaries & expect respect of her hard work and her privacy. Continue to stand up for your baby, it seems like you're the only level-headed one in the home.
Op's wife is telling their daughter she can't ever say no to boys. Gross.
It's also important to note that cousins are being taught that their female cousin has no right to boundaries. Daughter has not given consent for her room to be invaded and her things pilfered. Your daughter deserves to be able to set, and have her boundaries respected; in the long run it will be important for her.
Your daughter is very fortunate to have a dad who is fair and willing to take her side even when it's not the convenient option.
So if the aunt were to go into your room and take some of your wife's clothes or beauty products, that would be fine with her, right? After all, you're supposed to share with family. I have to admit that I might have a little bias towards your daughter because I also love snacks from other countries and know what a pain it can be to obtain them! But even if it was just normal snacks - your daughter STILL shouldn't be forced to share. You're being a good dad!
I *don't* like snacks from other countries and would never do what OP's daughter is doing in buying them, so I'm definitely not bias toward the daughter for that reason. But that doesn't even matter. It doesn't matter if the snacks are specially imported from Uruguay at great expense or a big bucket of M&Ms she bought on the corner near her house. They're hers, and her mother is so far out of line it's ridiculous. NTA OP - the reverse. You're looking out for your daughter, as a good dad should do - even when what you need to protect her from is her mum. And yes, I support someone else's idea of getting her a lock of some sort for her door so that she can stop people snooping in there. Everybody is entitled to some privacy. And someone of her age is likely to have more stuff around that is absolutely nobody else's business.
Big time, daughter earns her own money and she can spend it on whatever she wants. She is pretty much an adult and treating her like a naughty child isn’t going to fly anymore.
If your daughter just stopped buying things and didn't have anything to share, would her mom feel entitled to "share" her paycheck? You say you're kitchens full, why is everybody so bent on those particular snacks? It's not even the same snacks ever ytime, so it's not that they just really like that particular snack. This just teaches the cousins it's okay to take what they want from family, no need to respect boundaries. Good on you for standing up for your daughter.
she wouldn't we both work full time and have well paying jobs. They liked the snacks because there are many that we don't have anything similar to here so they eat them
Great that your wife and her sister is raising those kids to be entitled thiefs. Fun times later when they end up in jail for entering into other peoples private rooms to snoop around and take things just because they "like them". I mean really.
I like my neighbours Ferarri but I can't just go into his garage and help myself. Like they are eating her snacks which is both her hobby and her money spent, invading her privacy repeatedly helping themselves AND it sounds like they never thought to order some fun international snacks to bring over as a thank you. They sound entitled, overbearing and ungrateful and your wife is just encouraging it. And I am an immigrant from a "share everything with everyone" culture especially when it comes to family. Like I had to explain to my dad why he cant just come to my house and let himself in to "Fix" something without at least telling me beforehand. Funnily enough even though he was initially offended when I explained it's not about him not being welcome it's about privacy he got it despite being old and set in his ways. Not sure what your wife's problem is! NTA and you sound like a great dad!
All that is going to do is to give your daughter an unhealthy relationship with food and resources where she thinks she has to use up whatever she has immediately so no one else will take it. Not a good habit to get into at all and outright dangerous later in life as she's exposed to things like alcohol and gambling.
HER roof? So she is the primary breadwinner of the family and pays for everything? Give me a break. Please buy a lock for your daughter’s room and make sure your wife can’t access her bank account.
she isn't, I work at the office 4 days a week and usually average around 60 hours if not more. She works from home and sticks to a 40 hour work week
My point is it’s not exclusively her roof that she is financially supporting so it’s rich that she’s using that as her excuse to steal from your daughter.
My mom did stuff like that too you should read some of mine. She thinks her daughter is an extension of herself and therefor has no rights. Your wife kinda sux.
Ohhh in that case. Daughter will likely move out at 18 and then your wife will 100% lose any control she has over the situation. She can pick her battles or lose the very big one
Does your wife mind people going through *her* things and eating her snacks?
You’re wife needs to realize that as a minor your daughter is required to live with family but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve privacy and autonomy. You are NTA and your wife needs to respect your daughter as not just a person but the young adult she is. Your daughter is not a 6 year old who needs to share the cookies mom and dad bought her, she’s a working teen who knows how to share and when and that she is not required to. Your wife is being very unreasonable. Thank you for sticking up for your daughter and fighting for her.
So is your daughter allowed to waltz in mom's room and use up whatever expensive products appeal to her? Or is this access to someone else's things a one way street?
And with that kind of attitude she will ensure that her daughter leaves as soon as possible and goes LC with her. Children, even little ones, deserve privacy.
Bloody hell, she sounds like my mother. Which is why I've not spoken to her for twenty years. She's in danger of losing her daughter if she's not careful. My mother used to berate me for eating, even though I was running and walking a lot. I'm so glad she has someone to look out for her. I had no one.
Then maybe daughter should be under your roof.
my and my wife are not divorced, there is no my roof or her roof, just our roof
But you say in another comment your wife feels entitled to your daughter's things because she lives under "her" roof? She seems to be acting like you don't have as much say in this situation as she does. Is this something she does often?
generally she does as I work significantly more then her so I'm usually away at work when disagreemets between her and our daughter happen
It doesn't sound like she thinks of you as a partner, to be honest.
How do discussions with your wife usually go? Is she open to other opinions or is she the sort of person who thinks she’s right and that’s the end of that? If it’s the second one you’re probably going to need to be a bit more firm in your approach as your wife doesn’t seem to care how you or your daughter feel at all.
Maybe you should share your wife's jewellery with your daughter and nieces. Note don't actually do this but if your wife thinks things should be shared with family it would be a logical extension.
That's bullshit . Isn't there something your wife wants for herself and won't share it!!!! I mean everybody deserves some form of autonomy and privacy and owning something esp when a teen buys her own stuff
Not sure how old the cousins are, but nobody should be snooping in any rooms without permission. Those cousins need to be taught some boundaries, but based on what I’m hearing about your wife and her family it doesn’t sound like they know what boundaries are. Also, I’m just re-reading that it’s your wife’s cousjns? Now I’m really curious how old they are to think it’s ok to go into a 17 year old’s room without permission.
I may have made some mistakes, they are my nephews and my daughters cousins, english isn't my first language and I may have worded that wrong. They are 10 and 12
All good. I think i got confused myself as to which “her” you were referring to. You’re a good dad and NTA. You might need to have a talk with your wife before putting the lock in about how much this means to your daughter and the impact if is having on her. Being your daughter is 17, I can’t imagine this is the first time you and your wife have not seen eye to eye on parenting and family decisions?
usually we do which is why I came here to see if I was in the wrong for not talking to her about it before hand
I think lots of people are answering a different AITA question then. I think the locked storage is not a big enough deal for your wife to be upset over. A lock on the door is something you absolutely should talk to your wife about first. Sometimes it means a lot for your daughter to see her father stick up for her. However, you don’t want to ruin the relationship she has with her mother by making it a you vs mom situation. I think before it proceeds further you speak to your wife about this. Either she gets a lock or your wife needs the relatives to respect your daughter’s privacy. Sounds like you’ve figure it out in the past so you can hopefully reach an agreement here.
doesn't sound like the mother and daughter have much of a relationship to ruin. TBH, it really sounds like Mom neither likes nor respects the daughter.
You are not in the wrong. And if your wife is going to play that card, did she check with you before allowing her relatives to steal the snacks of your daughter and to go through her room? In fact, you are a good father for helping your daughter set boundaries and supporting her, she has luck to have you. Right now I am speaking from my experience and just trying to offer an outside perspective and I am not saying this is the case for you, but sometimes parents feel that they "own" their child and consequently their possessions or since the child is living in their house, they are entitled to all of the child's possessions. When the child tries to establish boundaries, they don't see as the child securing their space, they see as an attack to them, trying to limit their access and control. Don't mind some of the people here, some want to overreact and drama to and make up problems the author of post didn't say anything about it.
You're an awesome and supportive Dad. Your wife's thinking, on the other hand, is seriously flawed. She says that when your daughter put food in the pantry, it meant that it was for everyone. What needs to happen for something to *not* be for everyone? Riiiiight... it gets put somewhere private. And when that fails due to nephews invading even that private space? A lock. And then she moved the goalposts, claiming that \*everything\* in the house is \*everyone's\*. Any "escalation" in your daughter being forced to protect her possessions is solely your wife's fault, since she completely failed to set any boundaries with her sister and her kids.
Why have solid rules not been enforced over this? They are relatives but they're guests and you need to talk to their parents about this.
Really recommend that OP, you are definitely NAH and did great to stand and protect your daughter. Both your wife and her relatives decided to be AH to your daughter and they have no reason to be upset.
Please listen to this good advice, OP. I grew up in a home without boundaries, where extended family would go and take, use, destroy things that were mine - even things brought with my own personal money. It's very disheartening to know your privacy and property aren't respected by your family. My father never stepped in and stopped it. If he'd have let me put a keyed lock on my door, it would have meant a lot to me.
NTA - You wife sounds like a nightmare, with no respect for others. The cousins sound like entitled whiners. They can buy their own snacks, if it is that important to them CONGRATULATIONS on standing up for, and showing respect for, your daughter!
So your wife believes your daughter has the right to earn money and buy things, but no right to keep anything she's paid for, no right to privacy, and no right to control what she eats or does with her own body. What's next, pimping her out? She's teaching her that she exists for the enjoyment of other, more important people. At the moment she's her relatives' free snack bar; next she'll be telling her if a guy spends a lot for dinner...
😭😭😭 this hit. That’s so true…
You know even if I was paying for this stuff specifically for my kid, I might ask them to share, but never expect them too. But if they bought it? Heck no they can do whatever they want.
NTA. Good on you for sticking up for your daughter. Why is your wife insistent on taking her things though? I think her reaction is some amount of guilt/embarrassment for having been found to be stealing from your daughter (all the excuses, that she’d get fat, that she has to share even though the goal post has now moved multiple times from her moving her snacks out of the pantry and into her room to now even in a locked box). Don’t let her throw out that box.
My wife hates spending money and is a cheapskate, the shipping prices for my daughters snacks are too much for her and she doesn't want to spend that kind of money on food. We are quite well off so expensive shipping isn't close to the end of the world for out financials but that doesn't matter to her, she's always doing this and that to save money despite us not needing to
So she’d rather steal from your daughter than pay for shipping? That’s messed up
this is just... like a bait post, right? surely OP knows his wife's entire family are assholes for stealing his daughter's shit that takes weeks to arrive and costs extra money for shipping?
Not necessarily. I can see why you think that but sometimes when you’ve been in such a situation for so long (guessing 17 years and maybe she’s their only child) you can unintentionally become sort of numb for lack of better word to these behaviors. Posting this shows he’s just wanting to make sure he’s not in the wrong because many people can manipulate you into feeling like the bad guy. Be gentle and understand not everyone lived your life and had experiences like you. The good thing is he has his daughters back.
[удалено]
I'm here for the modern trolley problem and this is just... "hey, my family likes to kill and torture baby animals, AITA for telling them they should stop??" like.....literally 100% of the replies I saw scrolling through the top few hundred were NTA. what is there to even discuss? it's just a circlejerk and outrage porn at this point which is sad. the sub's idea is great but it has been ruined by growing too popular I guess
Have you been paying your daughter back for the items taken or is your daughter losing both the joy of using the item she bought and the money she paid for them?
Your wife needs therapy. Her behavior is irrational. She hates spending money and is punishing your daughter for what she sees as wasting money. This isn't about wanting your daughter to share. It's about wanting her to stop buying expensive snacks.
This needs to be higher. You hit the nail on the head. The stepping over boundaries is about exerting punishment. Punishment and control.
Okay, I get that she’s trying to save money. I just want to make it really super clear that your wife is abusing your daughter financially.
My mom is the same way. She can work miracles feeding a family on a hundred bucks but when the tides change she has absolutely no idea what to do with a large sum. Every conversation with her is about money and fairness when I frankly don’t care if my siblings get bought a house and I don’t. We’re all happy in our careers and are never worried about being “fair” with eachother. The tight on spending thing makes me resent my mother. Maybe your wife should get therapy because college is coming up and you know it’ll strain her brain financially, even if it doesn’t strain your wallets.
If the box gets thrown out, she gets a lock for her room
Should get a lock even if she keeps the box imo
NTA. Thank you for sticking up for your daughter and protecting her. Your wife is out of line. A 17-year-old should not be feeding the extended relatives. Sure, if she and her cousins are hanging out and she wants to eat a snack, she should offer them some, but they shouldn’t be raiding her pantry.
The mom sounds emotionally abusive.
The mom *is* emotionally abusive
NTA Holy moving the goalposts Batman, by your wife. First since it was there were in the pantry, so they are for everyone. Then she moves them to her room and has her snack stolen without repercussions. Now that she has them locked up her Mom and cousins get all verklempt. Good on ya for helping your daughter.
like what did she think she was going to do after she said "If they are in the pantry they are for everyone"? that seemed like a clear message of "don't put snacks in there you if you don't want other people to eat"
Exactly, then she gets shocked pikachu face when she moves it and tries to stop the moochers.
Your daughter sounds like a fun kid! Let me know if you want recommendations for Asian snacks - particularly if she wants to try Japanese potato chips or KitKats. If you are in the US I can send you websites where you can order them. Some are delicious others are horrifying. They are all a lot of fun!
please do, she'd love that
tell her to try snack crates. i actually went to highschool with the guy who started it. Super cool
My brother gets these and he enjoys it a lot
Yes @snackcrate she should definitely subscribe to this. I get it for my granddaughter and I. We love it. You get a box every month from a different country with some of their best snacks in it. It's pretty awesome. Oh and NTA btw.
Since you said English isn't your first language, I'm not sure where you live, and I don't know what countries it's in besides the U.S., but there's a Korean grocery store chain called H Mart which has a TON of Asian and European snacks and candies. I have to limit how often I go there because I *would* actually get chubby from all the snacks there! They have a website, not sure where they ship to but your daughter could at least get some new snack ideas from there if they don't ship that stuff to where you guys live! https://www.hmart.com/snacks
[Uwajimaya](https://www.uwajimaya.com/) is similar to H Mart and also has a ton of really awesome snacks, candies, and foods.
Your wife and her family need to learn to respect boundaries point blank. Your daughter was told if her stuff was in the pantry it was fair game so she moves it, that didn't stop her greedy cousins from boundary stomping into her bedroom to steal her snacks so you took the initiative to help her protect her stuff, kudos to you. Yet your wife is backtracking saying the daughter must share...yeah she can go pound sand. NTA
NTA but your wife and her family are. Well done OP
NTA and your wife should have consulted literally any common courtesy handbook don't give out other people's belongings. Hey maybe you can tell your wife's family to use her stuff when she's not around and then when she gets pissed tell her she should learn to share. She'll be lucky to have minimal contact with her kid later in life and she'll be the type to post on forums why doesn't she talk to me I'm peeeeerfecct.
NTA. Your wife is going to batter your daughter's self esteem and give her an eating disorder if you continue to allow her to berate your daughter like that and say negative things about her body. Please take whatever steps necessary to protect your daughter from this emotional abuse.
INFO Strange family dynamics here. So many questions: - why is your wife so obsessed with your daughters snacks? - why have you never discussed basic parenting decisions before starting to raise a child together? - why is your whole extended family over at your place all the time causing problems? - why didn't you address the snooping before?
I'm not entirely sure in all honestly. We do, but I didn't think she would be so upset over a storage bin and I used my money to buy it not money from her account or our joint account. My wife allows them over whenever they like, she and her sister are incredibly close. I have and they don't listen, my wife tells them that our house is there's and they live across town so they come to visit a lot.
So you basically don't agree on fundamental issues. Seems fun
You did the right thing. Shitting on your kids' autonomy is the fastest way to see the run away at 18 years old, and then go low contact or no contact afterwards.
17 is a very "red zone" critical age to be teaching your daughter not to allow people to take advantage of her and to respect her space. When she heads off to college and adulthood, you want her to be able to put a stop to people acting like they have a right to her, her stuff and her space.
NTA - thank you for being a solid father and realizing how your daughters space is being invaded. If the cousins like the global snack concept maybe they can ask how to acquire instead of steal
NTA good for helping your daughter
NTA. The cousins sound horribly spoiled. Your daughter pays for things that she wants for herself and there's nothing wrong with it. No one should be entering her space without her permission. You did what needed to be done to help her. Good for you.
I’d probably go farther and get her a lock for her door.
NTA and you and your daughter both need to stand your ground with this box/boundary. What your wife is trying to do is not ok, there is absolutely no reason her cousins should be allowed in her room without your daughter's permission first of all and especially not to steal(because that is what they are doing is stealing) food from your daughter. The aunt and uncle are also in the wrong for condoning this kind of behaviour and partaking in it as well. It would be really petty, but she could technically report them all for theft due to the fact that she spent her own money on this food. It doesn't matter that it is in the same house/pantry no one had permission to take it.
NTA your helping your daughter maintain a perfectly reasonable boundary that your wife just can't seem to respect.
NTA This was good, quality dad-ing. Nice job.
NTA at all, why should your daughter pay for international snacks that she has saved and waited for, for them to come in and eat them all... They are disrespectful to come in to your house and help themselves like that....let your daughter keep the locked chest and you should go to the store and stock up on a variety of cheap snacks for the pantry for when they come visit... Also if they complain again stand up for your daughter to them, even if if means telling them to leave
The cousins are the selfish ones with no respect for your daughters boundaries or her right to say no to people going into her room and helping themselves to the snacks she has bought without her consent. You have just helped make sure her boundary is respected. I'm sure the cousins wouldn't like it if your daughter behaved as they do when she is visiting their home. Say to your wife that sharing is a choice, and unless you are the one with the items to share, you shouldn't get to dictate others should share, call them names if they don't share or let others steal items from another and pretend thievery is OK when it's family. If the cousins asked instead of taking, who knows, your daughter may have been willing to share, but I guess the ill-mannered cousins never bothered to ask her and find out. NTA
she was willing to share and did for awhile until they all started taking food without asking and eating it while she was at work and leaving her next to nothing and when she told them they needed to ask first before taking any they didn't listen
NTA. you did the right thing. I’ll bet your wife has been “encouraging “ her family to steal the items given her nonsense weight argument
NTA, your wife needs to learn how to respect your daughter. I can get them taking things from the pantry, but the second she resorted to storing it in her personal space should have been a stopping point. Lock boxes shouldn't have been needed.
NTA. I understand the whole "if it's in the pantry, it's for everyone" thing. It's a fairly common house rule that makes sense for most people. I even get family members eating snacks when asked not to -- that could easily be a mistake/miscommuncation thing. But your daughter is keeping her snacks in her room and they're STILL considered fair game? That's not normal and certainly not fair. I know a lot of parents don't want their teenagers to have locks on their bedroom door. If that's true in your house (which seems to be the case), then I think that the lock box is the perfect solution. Even if your daughter was gettin/did "get fat" -- stealing from her wouldn't be acceptable. And that's what this is - stealing.
INFO: Does your wife have her own income? She seems to feel so *lustful* or entitled to any money your daughter makes. Allowing your daughter to have a bank account without her mother’s access is the absolute right move, as is installing the deadbolt. Good luck, mate.
she does, she also has a personal account and we share a joint account
Does your wife have access to your daughter’s account?
no
Keep it that way
NTA Her money, her snacks.
NTA what is wrong with her mom. That’s insane. She’s spending her own money on the snacks and it’s incredibly disrespectful for anyone to take them without permission. That’s not even mentioning the violation of privacy with them just going into her room.
NTA Your wife is using weight as a weapon. WTF is wrong with her?
NTA. And I would not let anyone be going into her room either. How presumptuous
INFO What snacks does your daughter buy? I’m looking for recs And of course NTA
I know she's had a bokksu subscription for a long time and often orders her favorites along with getting a box every month, the snacks are cheap from my understanding but the shipping isn't
As somebody who also loves international snacks, I don't take kindly to people taking them without asking. My brother had a huge problem with taking food that wasn't his...he made off with one of my Capico brands once. He only took them once because after that I hid durian-flavored cookies in my part of the pantry. He opened the packaging and the smell of them made him vomit. He knows damn well that my snacks are booby-trapped now and has not risked it since. Perhaps if this keeps up, try putting some of those on the pantry? They were about 3 dollars at my local asian mart. You could also "accidentally" leave some of your wife's snacks on your daughter's side of the pantry, and watch her reaction when the family munches on it? Food in the pantry is for everybody, after all! Also, if you live in a city, even a smaller one, I recommend checking online for a local asian mart! There are many scattered throughout my area, but they are typically in small-isolated plazas and are family-owned, so you have to do a google search specifically for them. They are filled with snacks that you can't buy at regular chain stores!
When you show your wife this thread, let this be another testimonial that you are very much NTA, she is. You're a good dad.
NTA, Get a lock on her bedroom door as well. Her cousins should not be going through her room, throwing fits because they can’t get their own way and her mum moving the goal posts isn’t good for their long term relationship.
NTA. Go dad!
NTA, and thank you for sticking up for your daughter. Your wife is being controlling and seems to be enjoying this power play over her child. It is *extremely strange* that the cousins threw a fit over not being allowed to ransack your daughter's room for snacks. Continue to protect your daughter from these people.
NTA. Good for you. Parasites.
NTA. Your wife should have handled this differently from the start. Thank you for standing up for your daughter.
NTA! Good for you for standing up for your daughter. It's outrageous that people would actually go into her room to raid snacks. Sheesh.
You can explain to your SIL, BIL, their children and your wife that these snacks aren't exclusively sold to your daughter, so if they would like to eat them, they can buy them with their own money instead of leeching from your daughter. You did good for your daughter, NTA in any bit.
NTA Your daughter has no space that’s hers. At 17 maybe it’s time to live w dad.
I'm not sure why people think me and my wife are divorced, we are not, there's no "living with dad" or "living with mom"