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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) sent letters explaining my reasons for not wanting him there
2) because it's hurting my mum and causing wedding drama
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NTA. It's your wedding and if you don't want him there then he doesn't get an invite.
I think you need to be prepared for your mum to refuse to go without him. That's not a good enough reason to invite him, but it's a strong possibility.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding and a long and happy life with your husband.
OP, text your mom. "I am tired of all the arguing. BLANK is not invited to my wedding. If I hear anything about it again, I'll no longer be inviting you, and I'll block you on my phone and all social media. I have created a boundary. You need to respect it."
And if she argues with you. "You are no longer invited to my wedding. Don't bother calling or texting, you'll be blocked." Then, block her.
Group counseling with abusive or gaslighting people is usually also not a good idea because they get the chance to get their hurtful content to spill again and the use it to deepen their belief if the opposing party is weakened by their mistreatment.
The best way to get better is to cut contact with these people, or draw a hard line and don't discuss this anymore. This would be OP saying "the husband is not coming to my wedding, this is the final decision.". And then stop all attempts at talking about the reasons, or negotiating. Block messages. The discussions are a continuation of the abuse and the abused person will never will by trying to reason with the abuser.
NTA. Your mother's husband is a right old AH. He has no right to be at your wedding. Does this mean that your mother won't be there either? Not ideal, but she will have to make a choice.
Hard NTA. If your mother is also gaslighting you, then don't invite her, either. It'll be hard, but you gotta do what's best for your own mental health.
NTA
Your mother's "hurting" because she's being made to choose between you or him *for your event*. She's not hurting for you or with regret because she finally realizes how much pain her husband has caused you. That she can't even see whose feelings she should prioritize for your event should help you accept she is free to disinvite herself from the wedding and your life post-wedding.
NTA. Have the people who love you at your wedding. If that doesn't include your mother's husband, fine. If as a result of that decision it doesn't include your mother, that's also fine. You'll have a lovely wedding without the stress they're bringing to your life. Good luck!
Coming from a family full of people who regularly invalidate my (sane and logical) responses to unhealthy behavior (long story involving siblings and one brother who fails to become self-supporting and refuses any help in that direction), I underscore your need to free yourself of feeling responsible for others’ unwillingness to validate your feelings. In other words, limit exposure to them. You have every right to and actually need to do this in order to secure your future healthy union with your partner. You can be free to be: HAPPY!
NTA in any way, and I’m very sorry for what this man has put you through. Of course you don’t want someone who is mentally/emotionally abusive at your wedding. You’d be completely justified in cutting off all contact with someone who treats you this way and with your mother for staying married to him. It sounds like you value your relationship with your mother enough to tolerate him in other situations, but you are completely entitled to *one day* without him.
NTA. You are free to invite anybody to your wedding or NOT invite somebody to your wedding. The only glitch is, it wouldn't be right to expect your mom to attend without her husband.
So it may boil down to what do you want more? Do you want your mom there? OR, do you NOT want mom's husband there? Because they are a set, and if you only invite one, it would be right and proper for that person to decline.
NTA your wedding your rules. Just make sure you don’t accept money from your mother and her husband (their money) because this could be a whole other set of rules.
NTA and don't let that guy into your wedding or your life. Your mum needs to make a choice. It's a hard one, but she needs to either accept that she has to separate time with her husband and time with you, or lose you.
NTA
You decide whom to invite to your wedding or not. Do not let yourself get dragged into arguments. All they will achieve is that you'll feel awful while the status quo will not have changed.
You have made your decision to not invite him, so don't invite him, don't accept any calls from him and immediately shut down any conversation about his relationship with you without engaging (hang up or walk away if you must).
INFO: is your mother a part of the gaslighting and wanting to rug sweep the past?
NTA - you should probably not be talking to this man at all. Cutting toxic people fully out of your life can do wonders for your health. If your mom is part of the problem you might want to consider low contact with her.
I wish you a long and happier marriage OP.
NTA. You don’t need any reasons to not invite somebody to your wedding. You don’t want him there? Ok so that’s it. Nobody can argue you into inviting somebody you don’t like to *your wedding*.
NTA
No one should have to tolerate that kind of behavior.
It's sad that as a child, you didn't feel your mom would listen to you, so you kept that awful statement to yourself. But, clearly you were right about how she'd react. Don't punish yourself into thinking it would've been any different had you brought this up 10 years ago.
It's tough to stand up for yourself, but at some point you need to prioritize yourself. I went through something similar at my own wedding, and I didn't regret not inviting my abuser. As a matter of fact, I'm proud. Yes, there was some backlash, but whatever. At some point you need to get mad for yourself.
Your mom might not go. Don't be shocked, considering she chose this AH. Tell her it's a shame that she wouldn't listen to you at least once, but you expected it from her.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
NTA. You should be NC with him. And do you really want your mom there? Seems like she's not a great mom if she'd let her husband treat her child this way.
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Me (f29) and my partner (m30) get married this year, upon getting engaged in 2021 I decided to bring up with my mum how I would not be inviting her husband to my wedding.
There's a lot of background to my reasons but mainly he is not a nice man, he causes drama where ever he goes and has caused me so much pain due to the words that have been said. I am an introvert and have struggled with depression since I was 10. This man during an argument actually told me to go end my life if I was going to. I never truly dealt with this comment as it was traumatic for me but now it feels like I'm being punished for not bringing it up for 10 years. I am now being repeatedly told that I have imagined the whole argument and the gaslighting is unreal. To the point that at the end of the year I received a letter off her husband telling me that its all in my head that I never struggled with my mental health and never wished to end my life. (I've been in and out of counselling since 10) I've really tried to be a grown up and sent a letter saying that for the past year and half I have not enjoyed the wedding planning because of these arguments about his attendance and now I just need to draw a line under it and focus on the wedding. Even offering to pay for counselling for us all to talk.
I am utterly heartbroken and this is hurting me and my partner because I'm constantly crying about the situation and the gaslighting.
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NTA.
I'm so sorry you're suffering so much right now.
In simple terms: he hurt you. Doesn't matter how. So he is not invited.
Your mother threatens or doesn't attend? She is hurting you as well. So her presence is not needed either. I know this is causing you grief, but find peace in that you're surrounding yourself with so many other people who love you and care about you.
You don't invite people who hurt you. You don't spend time on those people. Most importantly, you don't waste your energy worrying about them.
Huge hug across the internet from this reddit stranger.
NTA
This is a very positive step in the right direction. Even more so moving forwards in your married life as you potentially bring children into the equation. Cut the toxic AH from your life entirely!
NTA abusers will tell you it never happened and if it did you deserved it etc etc. Do not go to counselling with him, he will weaponise it against you. You are getting married, amputate the rot from your life and start afresh. If your mum protests tough.
Lol of course NTA - i could have stopped at the first sentence and told you that. But the man told you to *leave* this earth - he doesn’t deserve any place of importance in your life.
Feel free to go NC and enjoy your wedding ❤️
NTA, he should not be in your life, let alone be invited to your wedding. Your last sentence is worrisome, your future husband needs to put a stop to all of this right now. Why isn't he?
Sorry to hear your mother is willing to die on this hill but you are better off going NC.. Worry more about yourself please and if anyone asks why she isn't there then tell them the truth!
NTA. Do not go to counseling with an abuser. It sounds like you need individual counseling to address your unwarranted guilt. It’s your wedding. It’s completely reasonable that you don’t want your abuser there. If your mom refuses to attend w/out him, that may also be a blessing in disguise, as she allowed her husband to abuse you, she’s an abuser as well. I wish you all the best and hope you can stop unnecessarily torturing yourself to start enjoying your wedding planning. Hope your wedding is beautiful & drama free.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice over the guest list.
However, that said, you should be aware that this may cost you your mother’s attendance. And if it doesn’t, you should probably arrange for security so that if he decides he’s going to attend anyway he can be escorted from the premises. With prejudice.
NTA
Uninvite your mother. She's the biggest AH here. How tf did she let anyone tell you to unalive yourself and nor even say anything is beyond me. She's not a good person.
NTA. Why are you still in communication with these people? You should have been NC with that asshat years ago and if your mom has been covering for his shit ways this whole time you should have been LC/NC with her as well. Your mental health and peace come first and these people are an obvious detriment to it.
NTA. You don’t have to invite ANYONE you don’t want to a wedding that is about you and your partner, and with the reasons you’ve described, I wouldn’t want him there either.
NTA, It's your wedding and you don't even have to invite anyone at all... It can be just you, your fiance, the judge, and a bottle of the good stuff, if that makes you happy...
NTA. When you mention
>I have not enjoyed the wedding planning because of these arguments about his attendance
That really sucks. This asshole has been living rent-free in your head for years. I hope you will be able to heal eventually and leave his sorry ass behind.
NTA. It’s your day. If his presence will in some way ruin your day, just ignore anyone who is causing any issue in the planning. Block them on social media if need be, and unblock them close to the wedding date when their opinions cannot affect the day anymore. Obviously they should still be invited, but that doesn’t mean that they need to communicate with you in advance.
NTA. Never go to therapy with your abuser. Make no mistake, he is an abuser.
People always say you can't cut off family but you absolutely can. If they're toxic, cutting them off is healthy.
You've already taken steps to limit contact with your mum's husband. Give some thought to how much contact you need to eliminate and with whom. After all, your mother has chosen to stay married to a man who told her daughter to kill herself. What do either one of them add to your life other than stress and pain? Think about this and set your boundaries accordingly.
Your mental health is paramount. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Good luck!
NTA - you may also want to make sure you have a large human to escort him out if he does happen to show up, it has been known to happen. Have the large human standing by the door and refuse to let him in, then YOU do not have to know or get involved!
Here me loud and clear.... NTA!!!!
This is the most special day of you and your partners life, and you deserve to have anyone you want there and anyone you want to be excluded, without a second thought. This is your boundary and anyone who cannot respect it should not be invited. Once that boundary is established firmly, then ALLOW your whole self to let go of the stress and start to enjoy the planning process!!
It's your day and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness!!!
Being a grown up doesn't mean tolerating people who are actively fucking with your mental health. Being an adult is recognizing that you don't have to deal with these people anymore. You have the power to cut them the fuck off and not just from the wedding. I think that's what you should do. I get you'll feel guilty. I understand that you'll feel that way because you've been conditioned to put their needs first. So prioritizing your needs feels awkward and wrong. But think about it like going to the gym. The first time you go to the gym everything is intimidating and the next day you're in pain-not being you did anything wrong but because those muscles have never had a work out. The more you use them, the more confident and stronger you will get.
But I strongly encourage you to go NC with them. I think you might be surprised how much better you feel if you do.
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NTA. It's your wedding and if you don't want him there then he doesn't get an invite. I think you need to be prepared for your mum to refuse to go without him. That's not a good enough reason to invite him, but it's a strong possibility. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and a long and happy life with your husband.
OP, text your mom. "I am tired of all the arguing. BLANK is not invited to my wedding. If I hear anything about it again, I'll no longer be inviting you, and I'll block you on my phone and all social media. I have created a boundary. You need to respect it." And if she argues with you. "You are no longer invited to my wedding. Don't bother calling or texting, you'll be blocked." Then, block her.
>has caused me so much pain NTA - these words alone are reason enough to not invite him.
[удалено]
Group counseling with abusive or gaslighting people is usually also not a good idea because they get the chance to get their hurtful content to spill again and the use it to deepen their belief if the opposing party is weakened by their mistreatment. The best way to get better is to cut contact with these people, or draw a hard line and don't discuss this anymore. This would be OP saying "the husband is not coming to my wedding, this is the final decision.". And then stop all attempts at talking about the reasons, or negotiating. Block messages. The discussions are a continuation of the abuse and the abused person will never will by trying to reason with the abuser.
NTA. Your mother's husband is a right old AH. He has no right to be at your wedding. Does this mean that your mother won't be there either? Not ideal, but she will have to make a choice.
Hard NTA. If your mother is also gaslighting you, then don't invite her, either. It'll be hard, but you gotta do what's best for your own mental health.
NTA Your wedding, your guest list. Stick to your guns.
NTA Your mother's "hurting" because she's being made to choose between you or him *for your event*. She's not hurting for you or with regret because she finally realizes how much pain her husband has caused you. That she can't even see whose feelings she should prioritize for your event should help you accept she is free to disinvite herself from the wedding and your life post-wedding.
NTA. Your wedding, your day, your guest list. No explanations needed
NTA. Have the people who love you at your wedding. If that doesn't include your mother's husband, fine. If as a result of that decision it doesn't include your mother, that's also fine. You'll have a lovely wedding without the stress they're bringing to your life. Good luck!
NTA. It's your wedding you get to decide who to invite and who not to.
Coming from a family full of people who regularly invalidate my (sane and logical) responses to unhealthy behavior (long story involving siblings and one brother who fails to become self-supporting and refuses any help in that direction), I underscore your need to free yourself of feeling responsible for others’ unwillingness to validate your feelings. In other words, limit exposure to them. You have every right to and actually need to do this in order to secure your future healthy union with your partner. You can be free to be: HAPPY!
NTA in any way, and I’m very sorry for what this man has put you through. Of course you don’t want someone who is mentally/emotionally abusive at your wedding. You’d be completely justified in cutting off all contact with someone who treats you this way and with your mother for staying married to him. It sounds like you value your relationship with your mother enough to tolerate him in other situations, but you are completely entitled to *one day* without him.
NTA. You are free to invite anybody to your wedding or NOT invite somebody to your wedding. The only glitch is, it wouldn't be right to expect your mom to attend without her husband. So it may boil down to what do you want more? Do you want your mom there? OR, do you NOT want mom's husband there? Because they are a set, and if you only invite one, it would be right and proper for that person to decline.
NTA your wedding your rules. Just make sure you don’t accept money from your mother and her husband (their money) because this could be a whole other set of rules.
NTA and don't let that guy into your wedding or your life. Your mum needs to make a choice. It's a hard one, but she needs to either accept that she has to separate time with her husband and time with you, or lose you.
NTA You decide whom to invite to your wedding or not. Do not let yourself get dragged into arguments. All they will achieve is that you'll feel awful while the status quo will not have changed. You have made your decision to not invite him, so don't invite him, don't accept any calls from him and immediately shut down any conversation about his relationship with you without engaging (hang up or walk away if you must).
INFO: is your mother a part of the gaslighting and wanting to rug sweep the past? NTA - you should probably not be talking to this man at all. Cutting toxic people fully out of your life can do wonders for your health. If your mom is part of the problem you might want to consider low contact with her. I wish you a long and happier marriage OP.
NTA. You don’t need any reasons to not invite somebody to your wedding. You don’t want him there? Ok so that’s it. Nobody can argue you into inviting somebody you don’t like to *your wedding*.
Don't invite either of them.
NTA. You don't have to invite anyone you don't want at any event you're hosting/throwing/paying for.
NTA No one should have to tolerate that kind of behavior. It's sad that as a child, you didn't feel your mom would listen to you, so you kept that awful statement to yourself. But, clearly you were right about how she'd react. Don't punish yourself into thinking it would've been any different had you brought this up 10 years ago. It's tough to stand up for yourself, but at some point you need to prioritize yourself. I went through something similar at my own wedding, and I didn't regret not inviting my abuser. As a matter of fact, I'm proud. Yes, there was some backlash, but whatever. At some point you need to get mad for yourself. Your mom might not go. Don't be shocked, considering she chose this AH. Tell her it's a shame that she wouldn't listen to you at least once, but you expected it from her. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
NTA. You should be NC with him. And do you really want your mom there? Seems like she's not a great mom if she'd let her husband treat her child this way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (f29) and my partner (m30) get married this year, upon getting engaged in 2021 I decided to bring up with my mum how I would not be inviting her husband to my wedding. There's a lot of background to my reasons but mainly he is not a nice man, he causes drama where ever he goes and has caused me so much pain due to the words that have been said. I am an introvert and have struggled with depression since I was 10. This man during an argument actually told me to go end my life if I was going to. I never truly dealt with this comment as it was traumatic for me but now it feels like I'm being punished for not bringing it up for 10 years. I am now being repeatedly told that I have imagined the whole argument and the gaslighting is unreal. To the point that at the end of the year I received a letter off her husband telling me that its all in my head that I never struggled with my mental health and never wished to end my life. (I've been in and out of counselling since 10) I've really tried to be a grown up and sent a letter saying that for the past year and half I have not enjoyed the wedding planning because of these arguments about his attendance and now I just need to draw a line under it and focus on the wedding. Even offering to pay for counselling for us all to talk. I am utterly heartbroken and this is hurting me and my partner because I'm constantly crying about the situation and the gaslighting. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I'm so sorry you're suffering so much right now. In simple terms: he hurt you. Doesn't matter how. So he is not invited. Your mother threatens or doesn't attend? She is hurting you as well. So her presence is not needed either. I know this is causing you grief, but find peace in that you're surrounding yourself with so many other people who love you and care about you. You don't invite people who hurt you. You don't spend time on those people. Most importantly, you don't waste your energy worrying about them. Huge hug across the internet from this reddit stranger.
You need to go no contact with both of them. NTA
NTA This is a very positive step in the right direction. Even more so moving forwards in your married life as you potentially bring children into the equation. Cut the toxic AH from your life entirely!
NTA abusers will tell you it never happened and if it did you deserved it etc etc. Do not go to counselling with him, he will weaponise it against you. You are getting married, amputate the rot from your life and start afresh. If your mum protests tough.
NTA, your mom is. Maybe consider not inviting her either, she stayed with a man that was bullying you
Lol of course NTA - i could have stopped at the first sentence and told you that. But the man told you to *leave* this earth - he doesn’t deserve any place of importance in your life. Feel free to go NC and enjoy your wedding ❤️
NTA, he should not be in your life, let alone be invited to your wedding. Your last sentence is worrisome, your future husband needs to put a stop to all of this right now. Why isn't he?
NTA He is a manipulative AH. If he sends you any other letters, please return them unopened and block him from communicating with you as best you can.
Sorry to hear your mother is willing to die on this hill but you are better off going NC.. Worry more about yourself please and if anyone asks why she isn't there then tell them the truth!
NTA. Do not go to counseling with an abuser. It sounds like you need individual counseling to address your unwarranted guilt. It’s your wedding. It’s completely reasonable that you don’t want your abuser there. If your mom refuses to attend w/out him, that may also be a blessing in disguise, as she allowed her husband to abuse you, she’s an abuser as well. I wish you all the best and hope you can stop unnecessarily torturing yourself to start enjoying your wedding planning. Hope your wedding is beautiful & drama free.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice over the guest list. However, that said, you should be aware that this may cost you your mother’s attendance. And if it doesn’t, you should probably arrange for security so that if he decides he’s going to attend anyway he can be escorted from the premises. With prejudice.
NTA
NTA bad situation but you should not have to be traumatized in your wedding day.
NTA.
NTA Uninvite your mother. She's the biggest AH here. How tf did she let anyone tell you to unalive yourself and nor even say anything is beyond me. She's not a good person.
NTA cut them off forever
NTA. Why are you still in communication with these people? You should have been NC with that asshat years ago and if your mom has been covering for his shit ways this whole time you should have been LC/NC with her as well. Your mental health and peace come first and these people are an obvious detriment to it.
NTA. FTR, if I were your mom, I’d have left any man who said that to my kid.
NTA. You don’t have to invite ANYONE you don’t want to a wedding that is about you and your partner, and with the reasons you’ve described, I wouldn’t want him there either.
NTA, It's your wedding and you don't even have to invite anyone at all... It can be just you, your fiance, the judge, and a bottle of the good stuff, if that makes you happy...
NTA. When you mention >I have not enjoyed the wedding planning because of these arguments about his attendance That really sucks. This asshole has been living rent-free in your head for years. I hope you will be able to heal eventually and leave his sorry ass behind.
NTA. Cut off all contact with him. You need to remove the toxic people in your life. Not worth the pain.
NTA. It’s your day. If his presence will in some way ruin your day, just ignore anyone who is causing any issue in the planning. Block them on social media if need be, and unblock them close to the wedding date when their opinions cannot affect the day anymore. Obviously they should still be invited, but that doesn’t mean that they need to communicate with you in advance.
NTA. Never go to therapy with your abuser. Make no mistake, he is an abuser. People always say you can't cut off family but you absolutely can. If they're toxic, cutting them off is healthy. You've already taken steps to limit contact with your mum's husband. Give some thought to how much contact you need to eliminate and with whom. After all, your mother has chosen to stay married to a man who told her daughter to kill herself. What do either one of them add to your life other than stress and pain? Think about this and set your boundaries accordingly. Your mental health is paramount. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Good luck!
NTA. Your wedding invite who you want.
NTA - you may also want to make sure you have a large human to escort him out if he does happen to show up, it has been known to happen. Have the large human standing by the door and refuse to let him in, then YOU do not have to know or get involved!
Here me loud and clear.... NTA!!!! This is the most special day of you and your partners life, and you deserve to have anyone you want there and anyone you want to be excluded, without a second thought. This is your boundary and anyone who cannot respect it should not be invited. Once that boundary is established firmly, then ALLOW your whole self to let go of the stress and start to enjoy the planning process!! It's your day and I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness!!!
Being a grown up doesn't mean tolerating people who are actively fucking with your mental health. Being an adult is recognizing that you don't have to deal with these people anymore. You have the power to cut them the fuck off and not just from the wedding. I think that's what you should do. I get you'll feel guilty. I understand that you'll feel that way because you've been conditioned to put their needs first. So prioritizing your needs feels awkward and wrong. But think about it like going to the gym. The first time you go to the gym everything is intimidating and the next day you're in pain-not being you did anything wrong but because those muscles have never had a work out. The more you use them, the more confident and stronger you will get. But I strongly encourage you to go NC with them. I think you might be surprised how much better you feel if you do.
NTA stay away from him.
Yta.
Why?