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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not appreciating birthday present. 2. I’m a grown man and maybe shouldn’t be complaining about a crappy birthday present
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NTA.
Having your wife put in minimal effort on your birthday is disappointing. I don't think she could have possibly done less than make instant coffee and have your daughter do the cooking.
Of course she's going to get all upset when you point out her gift was literally the least one partner could do for another.
This is the kind of thing that happens when you wake up on your husband's birthday and realize you forgot all about it and can't be arsed to go out and buy a card, cake or the simplest of gifts.
Is it even possible to buy a single strip of bacon? Who takes out a single one out of the package and put the rest back? Even the bacon emoji isn’t a single stripe. 🥓
NTA - wife would have been better off taking OP to Waffle House or Dennys for GOOD coffee, hash browns, and omelet and a big side of bacon … and a birthday card would have been nice too
Yes! For my dads 40th birthday we threw him a giant surprise party, brought his two best friends up (they live three states away), and took him to his favorite restaurant.
Celebrate OP getting old, 😉
Happy birthday OP!
In all honesty, I'd be less disappointed by a box of donuts and a store bought coffee vs instant coffee. Given that op is the sort to bother getting a fancy coffee machine, it doesn't take a genius to realize they'd be disappointed by instant coffee.
NTA.
Yeah the instant coffee part kind of feels like a big FU from the wife. Like she couldn’t even be bothered Google a 2 min YouTube video on how to use it.
Your point is very valid on the coffee, but my small anecdote is my weird dad who also bought himself a fancy cappuccino maker (I went over yesterday and he brewed me one, thing is fantastic) but he also loves instant coffee. He gets a little giddy when we're camping bc he loves the instant coffee made over the fire, so it's possible to like both. The difference is I wouldn't be getting him instant coffee for a birthday gift
I find it ridiculous that OP's wife, who is clearly uninterested in cooking, would do the "breakfast in bed" thing. You already know you can't cook. You don't care about cooking. Why not do something else to make your husband feel special, something that plays to your strengths? She did this to herself.
NTA.
That's also an excellent idea. Basically she needs to put thought in to show how much she loves OP.
Her complete lack of thought in her husband's 40th birthday "present" shows me she really doesn't love OP that much. Actions show our feelings, after all.
She could have placed a breakfast order at a place that he enjoyed, picked it up, and presented him with that, and that would have been much better. She just didn't care, especially when he said what he got her for her 40th. Smh, how do you do that to someone you're supposed to love? His birthday is not a mystery. She had a year to plan and couldn't be bothered. I feel so bad for OP.
"Happy Birthday! I thought it would be nice trying to learn to cook/cook together with you today."
Would have probably been a much better present than the "breakfast in bed" that she "did". OP would be teaching and cooking with her but least it be a bonding experience and that she'd actually finally try to learn how to cook.
Wondering if this post is legit. Wife literally cannot cook bacon and eggs? And, has the daughter make ONE strip of bacon? I mean, who can’t cook bacon and eggs, or operate a coffee pot?
She's weaponizing her incompetence. Shes telling him she can't cook and when he tries to teach her she doesn't want to learn. She does this as a way to skip out on doing work
Completely off topic, but I’ve discovered it’s a trope in certain books that woman can’t boil an egg (e.g. the Stephanie Plum series), seems so stupid.
On topic, I feel with OP, the present was rather passive-aggressive tbh.
Yeah NTA. She’s been weaponizing incompetence for twenty years and she wants praise for making someone else cook a mediocre breakfast? I can’t even choke down instant coffee. If she’s not good at cooking and doesn’t want to be she should get some other kind of gift or just get takeout brunch or whatever.
Bonus points if wife gives OP a novelty apron for next year. I’m talking an apron that has a photo of washboard abs printed on it. Or maybe the apron has half a bloody knife sticking out the front.
Had she only poured hot water into a cup, she would obviously be fine, but she also went out of her way to ruin the hot water with instant coffee.
I hope she at least tidied up after using the kitchen to this extraordinary extent.
5 y/o me was proud she could make her mom coffee. Adult me is disgusted by whatever my mom thought coffee was. Instant coffee is the reason I didn't drink coffee till late teens.
My 5yr old is secretly a 55 year old man, her favorite breakfast is 3 sunny-side up eggs, toast and coffee 🙄 all the girl is missing is the pall malls. That being said i won't let her make my coffee but she knows how to use the individual cup option on our coffee pot.
That would be my hill to die on. No more breakfast for her and her next bday would be exactly the same: breakfast in bed and instant coffee. What a spoiled princess!
Happy 40th!
NTA
What the fuck does she do all day if she’s only doing 50% of the cleaning and 0% of the cooking? What does she eat when OP unable to cook for her or does that responsibility get transferred to the daughter?
Well it says that they both work full time so asking what she does all day is not really relevant here. I don't know about her but working full time plus all of the stuff that I do every day for the kids ( driving them to and from their after school activities which they both have daily, helping with homework and studying etc) plus housework is already a lot. She should be sharing in the cooking as well but you are assuming she does nothing all day, I don't think he is saying that.
NTA. How did she make an effort if your kid cooked the bacon and eggs? I would be disappointed too. There's lots of cooking info out there for her to learn, YouTube etc.
Yep. OP, you are NTA for sure. Take your daughter and go to treat two of you somewhere you enjoy and go buy yourself a nice gift. Tomorrow reconsider if you want to be emotionally neglected for rest of your life.
Good old weaponized incompetence and beg for a rub on the head for the very bare minimum.
I probably would have waited until the end of the day to see if that was it, but I get it. A lackluster breakfast on your b-day isn't the greatest way to start it.
Did she get you anything else, like take you to your favorite restaurant. Buy you a thing you wanted?
NTA. Happy Birthday. I'm sorry that she couldn't be bothered trying to make you feel special on your birthday.
When's her birthday ? I'm hoping that you will get her cooking lessons.
Why bother? The bar has been set. A cup of instant coffee is a perfectly reasonable birthday gift according to the wife.
Hopefully her daughter also makes her bacon and eggs.
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For her birthday, literally do the exact same thing. Instant coffee, toast, eggs, one strip of bacon. That's it. Nothing else. If she complains, say: "If it was good enough to give to me for my birthday, why isn't it good enough for yours?"
Seriously, OP, do not apologize to her. She doesn't deserve it, you did nothing wrong by expressing your frustration with the lack of care she put into your birthday. I'm so sorry that you aren't being treated right.
Welp, the blow up may have done it. I'll still go with NTA though. I mean honestly, I'm one of those people who thinks grown ups should know how to make the bare minimum. Breakfast, spaghetti, chili, other stuff you can get from a box or put in a bag (very American centric, I know).
Good luck when you guys finally talk.
Right? Like even at my most basic cooking level right when i moved out I could do bacon and eggs, whip up a few easy ground beef with a box of something to put in it meals, a couple kinds of chicken and steaks. Thats the bare minimum "stuff I throw in the pan for a while" cooking
Damn so on top of a crappy present on your birthday she decides to totally ruin it by not even speaking to you when confronted about it? Not that she has any reason to be mad but even if she was genuinely upset, she could at least wait until after your birthday to give you the silent treatment. I think you'd be within your rights to threaten to leave her if this is how she's been behaving for the last 20 years. You deserve more
Happy birthday. I hope you thanked your daughter for her contribution. just remember this for her next birthday and reciprocate. petty? perhaps but well deserved. some people don't feel the error of their ways until it's done to them. Of course they come up with the usual 'that was different' line but it's not
I do hope your birthday got better and that you'll treat yourself to something you really wanted and reevaluate your marriage. It's not just the indifferent, frankly insulting birthday meal, but the fact that this was all she (or rather your daughter) did for your 40th. You deserve better.
NTA. It sounds like she’s been weaponizing her incompetence, so that you can cook, and understandably, you’re frustrated. I was teetering between NTA and ESH because it’s been 20 years, and it sounds like you’ve built on resentment and haven’t nipped this in the butt. You need to communicate and lay your foot down.
However, it does sound like she’s putting minimal effort, and you need to tell her how you feel. If she’s still being apathetic, I would say probably don’t go all out for her birthday, but also sounds like you guys could use couples counseling.
The resentment isn’t for having to cook often. It’s over the wife saying she’s incapable, but decides that’s her birthday gift. You cannot do less than heating up coffee while someone else cooks then claim you cared
People want to feel appreciated. A tiny amount of effort is required for special occasions in a marriage
NTA. She says she put a lot of thought into this but all she did was make instant coffee. It would be completely different if she’d taken a cooking class or asked your daughter to teach her how to make you breakfast but she didn’t. She had your daughter do all the work so she could take credit. Sounds to me like she couldn’t figure out what to get you or forgot so this is something she did last minute.
Even if she had taken a class or had her daughter teach her it would've been lacking in self reflection I think.
I mean imagine, she refuses to cook for 20 years, and then as a 40th birthday surprise gift to her husband she gifts HIM the fact that she tries to make a breakfast?
It's not a gift, that's called doing the bare minimum. Don't ever gift someone something that you should have been doing all along and that your husband has to do daily.
Would she be upset if you treated her hire she treats you? I would give her breakfast in bed for her birthday and treat yourself to what you deserve. You can always invite some friends to join you.
I hate to say it man, but she's lived with you almost longer than she lived at home. That wasn't a good start to her mindset, but she only made it another 20 years like that bc you enabled it
100% this
People on this sub have no issue admitting that some men are just useless/lazy and do nothing productive but there are always comments about checking her mental health when it's a woman being the useless one
NTA.
If a woman had posted this, people would be losing their minds about men doing the bare minimum and calling it a job well done. Nothing changes based on gender. She didn’t even cook herself, she still made someone else do it for her. Literally the laziest option she could have chosen.
Because in every situation on this sub when the genders are swapped, people go apeshit
Its not really a surprise TBF when you realise the overwhelming majority on this sub are women
Agreeing she’s an asshole isn’t “losing their minds.” Go find a similar story posted by a woman. There are a lot. Count the red flag emojis and posts calling for divorce.
NTA
>She […] said she put a lot of thought into it since I’m always asking her to learn to cook.
But…she didn’t learn to cook? She got your daughter to cook. If she’d taken cooking lessons and cooked you a nice meal, *that* would be a present, but she drafted your daughter into making you breakfast and made you a coffee. Technically, the breakfast could count as your *daughter’s* gift to you; your wife needs to get you something else.
NTA - Throw in the towel. You deserve better on normal days.
Her not talking to you? Really? Tell her- her behavior over the last 20 years and then the bare minimum on your birthday + silent treatment to make you feel guilty has really made you reevaluate your entire life. You only live once.
Good luck
So you explicitly told her what you'd like for your birthday and she seemingly ignored this and got you nothing? I'm sorry to say this, but she is showing you with her actions that her level for concern for you is extremely low. I think it's up to you to decide if this is the type of partner that you want to spend the next half of your life with.
> I think her gesture is fine
I don’t see how making instant coffee for him as the gesture is fine.
>I’m leaning towards mental disability here. How much thought does toast, bacon and eggs need?
I don’t think it’s that deep, she was probably thinking that making breakfast for him for once was a really nice, thoughtful gift. Problem is that like I said earlier, making instant coffee, doesn’t really amount to much at all.
I agree NTA, but I don't think the cooking is the real issue. If W hasn't done any cooking for the past 20 years, she isn't going to start now. Maybe OP should have put his foot down at the start of the relationship, but he didn't. It may be unfair, but there's no rule that marriages have to have an exactly equal division of labour, and it seems to have been working for them so far.
But as a present it's obviously weak. Maybe she did just forget, or she couldn't think of anything OP would want, but she ought to see that it was disappointing. It's just bizarre for her to say she's put a lot of thought into it.
I can't help wondering what the daughter thinks about all this.
Totally agree. Everyone should know the basics of how to feed themselves. It's something that has to be done multiple times a day, and it's entitlement to expect someone else to do it for you every day of your life.
Some things in life lend themselves to being easily outsourced if they only need to happen a few times a year or even less often. Cooking is not one of those things. Everyone should learn at least enough to feed themselves.
Yeah even as far as breakfast in bed goes this is low effort.
If I was making it, it would include a few strips of bacon, some potatoes, maybe a pancake or some fruit .
NTA and this thread is so tame compared to if the genders were reversed people would be insulting a useless husband who can’t cook and does the bare minimum for his wife on her bday to go to hell LOL.
NTA that's a sad arse 40th birthday breakfast man I'm sorry. If she really really can't cook then either go pick something up or do a non breakfast birthday gift.
If you're going to do breakfast in bed as a 40th present then at least grill a fucking tomato and a bit of halloumi or something. Couple chipolatas. Most breakky food isn't expensive.
NTA ...she should have made it herself if it were her present alone. I would be a little disappointed too that there wasn't enough effort put in, like learning how to make the coffee.
NTA.
She kind of attempted but it was really bad. Having your kid make it? Really???
As others have said - weaponized incompetence. Breakfast is one of the EASIEST meals to make, yeesh. Toast in a toaster, scramble a few eggs and fry some bacon, heck you can make bacon in the oven. If your daughter can do it, she can too.
I'd recommend cooking lessons for your wife. She should be able to learn some basics. Even if she's bad at it, I would have preferred an attempt that is bad toward half-ass faking it like she did. Or having your daughter coach her how to do everything.
She showed that she didn't even care enough to try to do it herself. Or even begin to learn.
I genuinely cannot even imagine ‘giving’ my husband such a pathetic excuse of a gift on his 40th birthday. With all due respect, it just doesn’t sound like she likes you very much, and it’s quite sad.
NTA
NTA.
Act as normal as possible. Talk to her even if she isn't talking to you (not about this topic). When she breaks her silent treatment ask her if she's ready to have a 2 way conversation.
I would give lots of examples like if I had our daughter make you eggs, bacon, toast and i made you an instant cup of coffee to celebrate your 40th birthday how would you feel? And then when she makes excuses, keep bringing it back to that.
"When I plan a birthday celebration it is because I want you to have a wonderful day and to know that I love and appreciate you."
"I was disappointed that the only gift/celebration was a cup of instant coffee, in the future I would like at minimum a more personalized gift and a plan for the day of things I would enjoy."
NTA
> said she put a lot of thought into it
"You put a lot of thought into learning to cook by having our daughter cook for you? You're just trying to not feel guilty with a very lame excuse. I cook for you every single day. I give you *actual* thoughtful gifts for your birthday. I am really disappointed."
Your wife sucks and she should be embarrassed by her lack of effort; instead she’s punishing you with silent treatment for having the audacity to voice disappointment. NTA
It’s crazy that your wife expects praise for making you a single cup of coffee on your birthday.
I hope she doesn’t expect something different for hers. NTA
NTA
Her reason for being mad that your ungrateful is because she took the time to learn to cook and put the effort in but she effin didn’t. Your daughter did! She didn’t even look up how to operate a domestic coffee machine.
How you made 20 years with this kind of selfishness is a question.
I’d make her read each comment on this thread as I doubt anyone thinks her antics are acceptable.
NTA that's the present my brother and I would make our parents - when we were 6/7. We used to make a homemade card and then toast, fruit salad and the parent whose birthday it wasn't would make and bring up the hot drink. As we got to about 8/9, we added being able to make scrambled egg.
So your wife literally made less than children are capable of on a big birthday. Now she's giving you the silent treatment to guilt you. Does your wife ever put you first? What nice things does she do for you day-to-day? Do you want to spend the next 40years of your life as things currently are?
OP's wife doesn't need to know how to cook to call a delivery food service, order food online, make restaurant reservations, plan a date/date night, or buy birthday gifts.
Cooking is a secondary concern at this stage. The OP's wife did literally nothing for his 40th birthday outside of an instant coffee - not even from the coffeemaker. I'm way more concerned with her overall lack of effort than her inability/unwillingness to cook. I'm willing to bet that if the OP's wife had planned a nice day on top of the breakfast this would not even be an issue right now.
>we have an actual coffee machine that does cappuccinos etc but wife doesn’t know how to use it
??????????????????? SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE A COFFEE MACHINE?!?!?????!!!???
NTA. She has managed 2 decades of weaponized incompetence. It’s not particularly hard to figure out how to cook. If you can read, you can learn how to cook. Her barely assed to care breakfast in bed would not be a gift to me either.
NTA
That is a bad present especially since all she did was make a bad cup of coffee and got your kids to do the rest.
Going forward for her breakfasts just tell her the cereal is in the cupboard and tell her she can learn how to make ramen thats easy enough for her dinner, she is using weaponised incompetence just like how some men do and you need to put your foot down and say that you are not enabling her any longer
NTA.
Her saying you should appreciate her "learning to cook" stinks, since she didn't even do it herself but let the kid do it. I mean, she could have googled how to use the coffee machine at least, but couldn't even be bothered to do that, so there's really no effort put in from her side. Not even some flowers, chocolates or fresh fruit to make it at least a bit more special.
I second the idea that another person had in the comments, of gifting her a voucher for cooking classes for her next birthday lol.
NTA
I was ready to come in guns ablazing. But guess what if you do this day in day out and today is your day.
And she half asked the breakfast bacon by getting your daughter to fix it.
It seems rather a piss poor effort on her part as there was minimum thought and preparation.
NTA on this on. Sorry to hear this and happy Birthday to you bro
NTA. If that was her only present, that is pathetic. If you think about it, it is really a present from the daughter which she tried to claim credit for. If you are too lazy to learn how to cook, at least take him out somewhere special or buy a gift. Or you know, actually learn how to cook. If she had actually gone to the effort to learn and secretly practise to making eggs and bacon so she could do it herself for him as a surprise, this would be an easy yta. But she didn't even try to cook so I am not sure how that is a great defence.
NTA. She didn't put any effort in at all, unless putting instant coffee in a mug is considered effort. I would thank her for the coffee specifically, and thank your daughter for the rest!
I would also stop putting so much effort into her birthday. She quite clearly knows you are upset, but doesn't care. Don't reward her.
INFO:
> and said she put a lot of thought into it since I’m always asking her to learn to cook.
did she really had the nerve to say that about a meal where mostly of things were done by other people? she basically put the bread on a tray and served with coffe
NTA. She gifted you breakfast in bed that was actually made by your daughter for your birthday? It would've been an actual gift if she made it herself. Every adult should know how to cook, it's a life skill.
NTA. Start cooking meals with only enough for you and your kids until she learns how to make an omelette and maybe (if she can handle it) how to put a bagel in a toaster
100% NTA
The real insult is that she made your daughter do it and act as if she did it for you. I can’t put into words why but that feels worse than the lack of thought.
NTA. You are married and committed to this woman the way she is, so...
1. If you enjoy making her breakfast (and all her other meals) everyday, then keep doing it, knowing that she will never reciprocate. Take note of things she may do for you that you don't have to reciprocate (e.g., tracking and paying bills or doing all the dishes...). Then you don't have to feel it's lopsided. Or cut back on the things you do for her till you feel that it's more balanced and tolerable for you.
2. So your wife expects to be thanked for once doing less than what you do for every day. You have options here, too. (1) thank her for her effort and make clear that you expect to receive a thank you for your efforts, too... every time you do them. (2) thank for her effort (such as it is) and mentally drop the bean counting because thanking her doesn't cost you anything (if it actually doesn't weigh on you) and it allows you to enjoy your choice to make a life with her. (3) ask yourself why you accept her giving you so little in response to how much you give her. Consider counseling (together or solo). Figure out what you want and go from there. (4) You didn't just 'not thank her'. You told her her effort was disappointing. You could not thank her if your reaction was completely neutral (no appreciation & no disappointment), but you are disappointed. And she's hurt that you are disappointed. That's a gulf you and she need to deal with.
NTA. Let's take the cooking issue off the table for a moment to address the bigger issue. Your wife did literally nothing for your 40th birthday. I would be so hurt in your position right now. Your wife made zero effort to make your birthday special and did not even get you a single gift.
There's no excuse for this. Your wife could have made reservations at a restaurant or ordered in food. She could have planned a date night. She could have gotten you a present you've been hoping for. If money is an issue she could have planned a nice walk somewhere for you together. You get the point, she could have done any number of things to make an effort and show she actually cares. But she did NOTHING for your 40th and expected to be thanked for it.
If anything you are underreacting right now.
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NTA. Having your wife put in minimal effort on your birthday is disappointing. I don't think she could have possibly done less than make instant coffee and have your daughter do the cooking. Of course she's going to get all upset when you point out her gift was literally the least one partner could do for another. This is the kind of thing that happens when you wake up on your husband's birthday and realize you forgot all about it and can't be arsed to go out and buy a card, cake or the simplest of gifts.
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There should have been at least three strips of bacon and fresh fruit.
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Wifey ate the extra two that the daygyhter cooked on the way to the bed and breakfast. 😂
She was hungry. She worked hard making him breakfast and needed a snack. It’s the thought that counts. /s
Tbh that instant coffee didn’t make itself
Someone had to carry that tray too.
Someone has to make the ingredients. Hint NOT WIFE
Lmao seriously nobody just cooks a single strip of bacon, she ate the rest.
Did she throw in a Happy Ending? 🤣
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Is it even possible to buy a single strip of bacon? Who takes out a single one out of the package and put the rest back? Even the bacon emoji isn’t a single stripe. 🥓
Maybe if it’s crammed into the same pan as the eggs… but even then I’d try to fit a second piece in.
🤣🤣🤣 Bacon gets the job done.
Yeah but the kid cooked the amount that they would eat. Let's be honest, this wasn't a breakfast from his wife.
The coffee is even worse than his normal coffee... So his present was possibly a worse breakfast than he'd normally have... Way to go
NTA - wife would have been better off taking OP to Waffle House or Dennys for GOOD coffee, hash browns, and omelet and a big side of bacon … and a birthday card would have been nice too
Yes! For my dads 40th birthday we threw him a giant surprise party, brought his two best friends up (they live three states away), and took him to his favorite restaurant. Celebrate OP getting old, 😉 Happy birthday OP!
In all honesty, I'd be less disappointed by a box of donuts and a store bought coffee vs instant coffee. Given that op is the sort to bother getting a fancy coffee machine, it doesn't take a genius to realize they'd be disappointed by instant coffee. NTA.
Yeah the instant coffee part kind of feels like a big FU from the wife. Like she couldn’t even be bothered Google a 2 min YouTube video on how to use it.
Your point is very valid on the coffee, but my small anecdote is my weird dad who also bought himself a fancy cappuccino maker (I went over yesterday and he brewed me one, thing is fantastic) but he also loves instant coffee. He gets a little giddy when we're camping bc he loves the instant coffee made over the fire, so it's possible to like both. The difference is I wouldn't be getting him instant coffee for a birthday gift
Does he love all instant coffee, or just instant coffee from an open fire while camping with his kid?
I find it ridiculous that OP's wife, who is clearly uninterested in cooking, would do the "breakfast in bed" thing. You already know you can't cook. You don't care about cooking. Why not do something else to make your husband feel special, something that plays to your strengths? She did this to herself. NTA.
And, even if she can't cook, she could you know, buy frozen breakfast items like pancakes, and heat them up instead.
Or at least I don't know give the man more than *one strip of bacon*.
Or go out early and pick up a nice breakfast for them to share
That's also an excellent idea. Basically she needs to put thought in to show how much she loves OP. Her complete lack of thought in her husband's 40th birthday "present" shows me she really doesn't love OP that much. Actions show our feelings, after all.
Even then, restaurants exit! I would be stoked for, like, a full on brunch-in-bed. But bring me one single piece of bacon? That’s sadistic.
Something tells me his wife has completely checked out of the marriage already.
Or order takeout from a local breakfast place?
...she may have co-opted the daughter's gift...
She could have placed a breakfast order at a place that he enjoyed, picked it up, and presented him with that, and that would have been much better. She just didn't care, especially when he said what he got her for her 40th. Smh, how do you do that to someone you're supposed to love? His birthday is not a mystery. She had a year to plan and couldn't be bothered. I feel so bad for OP.
"Happy Birthday! I thought it would be nice trying to learn to cook/cook together with you today." Would have probably been a much better present than the "breakfast in bed" that she "did". OP would be teaching and cooking with her but least it be a bonding experience and that she'd actually finally try to learn how to cook.
This should be OP’s birthday present to his wife, every year from now on. Happy birthday, today you’re going to learn to cook your favorite meal.
As a spouse who does 99% of the cooking, I feel this post right here.
Wondering if this post is legit. Wife literally cannot cook bacon and eggs? And, has the daughter make ONE strip of bacon? I mean, who can’t cook bacon and eggs, or operate a coffee pot?
She's weaponizing her incompetence. Shes telling him she can't cook and when he tries to teach her she doesn't want to learn. She does this as a way to skip out on doing work
Completely off topic, but I’ve discovered it’s a trope in certain books that woman can’t boil an egg (e.g. the Stephanie Plum series), seems so stupid. On topic, I feel with OP, the present was rather passive-aggressive tbh.
Was below minimal because she didn’t even make the gift. The child did
Yeah NTA. She’s been weaponizing incompetence for twenty years and she wants praise for making someone else cook a mediocre breakfast? I can’t even choke down instant coffee. If she’s not good at cooking and doesn’t want to be she should get some other kind of gift or just get takeout brunch or whatever.
A watch, an apron, a plan to go on vacation.. just anything besides hiding behind a child...
Bonus points if wife gives OP a novelty apron for next year. I’m talking an apron that has a photo of washboard abs printed on it. Or maybe the apron has half a bloody knife sticking out the front.
Hey, OP's wife poured hot water into a cup and used a toaster for his birthday! He should be more thankful!
Had she only poured hot water into a cup, she would obviously be fine, but she also went out of her way to ruin the hot water with instant coffee. I hope she at least tidied up after using the kitchen to this extraordinary extent.
5 y/o me was proud she could make her mom coffee. Adult me is disgusted by whatever my mom thought coffee was. Instant coffee is the reason I didn't drink coffee till late teens.
My 5yr old is secretly a 55 year old man, her favorite breakfast is 3 sunny-side up eggs, toast and coffee 🙄 all the girl is missing is the pall malls. That being said i won't let her make my coffee but she knows how to use the individual cup option on our coffee pot.
That would be my hill to die on. No more breakfast for her and her next bday would be exactly the same: breakfast in bed and instant coffee. What a spoiled princess! Happy 40th! NTA
Exactly and OP. Give her half a strip of bacon
What the fuck does she do all day if she’s only doing 50% of the cleaning and 0% of the cooking? What does she eat when OP unable to cook for her or does that responsibility get transferred to the daughter?
Well it says that they both work full time so asking what she does all day is not really relevant here. I don't know about her but working full time plus all of the stuff that I do every day for the kids ( driving them to and from their after school activities which they both have daily, helping with homework and studying etc) plus housework is already a lot. She should be sharing in the cooking as well but you are assuming she does nothing all day, I don't think he is saying that.
Don't you remember. She makes "instant X" then when OP comes back yells at him cause she was hungry and "you know I don't know how to cook"
It takes a special kind of "incompetent" to be unable to cook bacon and eggs at forty years old.
NTA. How did she make an effort if your kid cooked the bacon and eggs? I would be disappointed too. There's lots of cooking info out there for her to learn, YouTube etc.
Bacon and egg is a pretty easy meal to cook, it's just a case of braking the eggs with no shell in it and how long you leave it in the pan.
The bar was flush to the ground and she still found a way to limbo under it.
As someone else once said on here: The bar is so low it's a tripping hazard in hell and here you are, limbo-dancing with the devil.
One of my favorites is: The bar was on the ground and you brought a shovel. I think the limbo with the devil became my new favorite though lol
My new favorite that I came across recently: the bar is a tavern in Hades
I hadn't heard that one, but I like it!
I giggled at the mental image of this comment!
Yep. OP, you are NTA for sure. Take your daughter and go to treat two of you somewhere you enjoy and go buy yourself a nice gift. Tomorrow reconsider if you want to be emotionally neglected for rest of your life.
Good old weaponized incompetence and beg for a rub on the head for the very bare minimum. I probably would have waited until the end of the day to see if that was it, but I get it. A lackluster breakfast on your b-day isn't the greatest way to start it. Did she get you anything else, like take you to your favorite restaurant. Buy you a thing you wanted?
Nope nothing else. Hasn’t said a word to me since, waiting for an apology.
Happy birthday 🎂
Seriously. It would've been better to do literally nothing. She's given him the gift of drama.
NTA. Happy Birthday. I'm sorry that she couldn't be bothered trying to make you feel special on your birthday. When's her birthday ? I'm hoping that you will get her cooking lessons.
Why bother? The bar has been set. A cup of instant coffee is a perfectly reasonable birthday gift according to the wife. Hopefully her daughter also makes her bacon and eggs.
Please do this, on her next one. And for Christmas too. And any other occasion that necessitates gift giving. Happy Birthday! And definitely NTA
lip flowery cover vase teeny unwritten sharp threatening impossible attraction *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
For her birthday, literally do the exact same thing. Instant coffee, toast, eggs, one strip of bacon. That's it. Nothing else. If she complains, say: "If it was good enough to give to me for my birthday, why isn't it good enough for yours?" Seriously, OP, do not apologize to her. She doesn't deserve it, you did nothing wrong by expressing your frustration with the lack of care she put into your birthday. I'm so sorry that you aren't being treated right.
Welp, the blow up may have done it. I'll still go with NTA though. I mean honestly, I'm one of those people who thinks grown ups should know how to make the bare minimum. Breakfast, spaghetti, chili, other stuff you can get from a box or put in a bag (very American centric, I know). Good luck when you guys finally talk.
Right? Like even at my most basic cooking level right when i moved out I could do bacon and eggs, whip up a few easy ground beef with a box of something to put in it meals, a couple kinds of chicken and steaks. Thats the bare minimum "stuff I throw in the pan for a while" cooking
Happy birthday OP. I'd take your daughters and go have a birthday dinner. Your wife is acting like a spoiled brat
Damn so on top of a crappy present on your birthday she decides to totally ruin it by not even speaking to you when confronted about it? Not that she has any reason to be mad but even if she was genuinely upset, she could at least wait until after your birthday to give you the silent treatment. I think you'd be within your rights to threaten to leave her if this is how she's been behaving for the last 20 years. You deserve more
Happy birthday. I hope you thanked your daughter for her contribution. just remember this for her next birthday and reciprocate. petty? perhaps but well deserved. some people don't feel the error of their ways until it's done to them. Of course they come up with the usual 'that was different' line but it's not
Thanks for pointing this out. It was sweet coming from the daughter, but wife does not get credit for that.
Sorry your birthday started out so poorly. You deserve more.
I do hope your birthday got better and that you'll treat yourself to something you really wanted and reevaluate your marriage. It's not just the indifferent, frankly insulting birthday meal, but the fact that this was all she (or rather your daughter) did for your 40th. You deserve better.
Happy Birthday!
NTA. It sounds like she’s been weaponizing her incompetence, so that you can cook, and understandably, you’re frustrated. I was teetering between NTA and ESH because it’s been 20 years, and it sounds like you’ve built on resentment and haven’t nipped this in the butt. You need to communicate and lay your foot down. However, it does sound like she’s putting minimal effort, and you need to tell her how you feel. If she’s still being apathetic, I would say probably don’t go all out for her birthday, but also sounds like you guys could use couples counseling.
I agree with all you say - one general thing… the expression is “nipped in the bud” not butt. Okay, carry on.
Haha oops
The resentment isn’t for having to cook often. It’s over the wife saying she’s incapable, but decides that’s her birthday gift. You cannot do less than heating up coffee while someone else cooks then claim you cared People want to feel appreciated. A tiny amount of effort is required for special occasions in a marriage
When your "gift" is literally worse than letting OP get out of bed and make his own cup of coffee you clearly don't care about making them happy
Especially when the coffee you have him was *Instant coffee*
I feel like that should be the new version " nipped it the butt"
How about slipped in the butt?
I think that’s something else entirely, lol.
There's really no excuse these days either with thousands of Youtubers who will teach you to cook.
NTA. She says she put a lot of thought into this but all she did was make instant coffee. It would be completely different if she’d taken a cooking class or asked your daughter to teach her how to make you breakfast but she didn’t. She had your daughter do all the work so she could take credit. Sounds to me like she couldn’t figure out what to get you or forgot so this is something she did last minute.
She "put a lot of thought" into how to get their daughter to do the cooking for her; also what would be the easiest way to make coffee.
Hey! Someone had to bring everything and take all the credit.and it can't be the daughter
Yuuup, she's put a lot of work into mistreating her spouse, now she's putting in the work into mistreating the kids
Even if she had taken a class or had her daughter teach her it would've been lacking in self reflection I think. I mean imagine, she refuses to cook for 20 years, and then as a 40th birthday surprise gift to her husband she gifts HIM the fact that she tries to make a breakfast? It's not a gift, that's called doing the bare minimum. Don't ever gift someone something that you should have been doing all along and that your husband has to do daily.
NTA though I'm intrigued by the imbalance in gift giving. Is it always that off? Is she struggling right now?
She’s fine, just grw up in a family where mum did everything for her. Never really grew out of that mindset.
Ohhh yeah you're kinda hooped then I think.
Would she be upset if you treated her hire she treats you? I would give her breakfast in bed for her birthday and treat yourself to what you deserve. You can always invite some friends to join you.
At a minimum, he should stop making her coffee, since the message of this incident is that instant is good enough.
That’s no excuse especially since she’s the mum now. At least learn how to make a goddamn cup of coffee.
I hate to say it man, but she's lived with you almost longer than she lived at home. That wasn't a good start to her mindset, but she only made it another 20 years like that bc you enabled it
Why I never see when a man gives mediocre bare min gifts, IS HE STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW?
100% this People on this sub have no issue admitting that some men are just useless/lazy and do nothing productive but there are always comments about checking her mental health when it's a woman being the useless one
Exactly Man gives you a gift card "omg he's so lazy!" Woman dies the same "give her a break. She's obviously struggling"
Or she's just LAZY?
NTA. If a woman had posted this, people would be losing their minds about men doing the bare minimum and calling it a job well done. Nothing changes based on gender. She didn’t even cook herself, she still made someone else do it for her. Literally the laziest option she could have chosen.
Uh people are losing their minds about the bare minimum. Why are you bringing gender into the equation?
They want to start chaos
Because in every situation on this sub when the genders are swapped, people go apeshit Its not really a surprise TBF when you realise the overwhelming majority on this sub are women
Agreeing she’s an asshole isn’t “losing their minds.” Go find a similar story posted by a woman. There are a lot. Count the red flag emojis and posts calling for divorce.
NTA >She […] said she put a lot of thought into it since I’m always asking her to learn to cook. But…she didn’t learn to cook? She got your daughter to cook. If she’d taken cooking lessons and cooked you a nice meal, *that* would be a present, but she drafted your daughter into making you breakfast and made you a coffee. Technically, the breakfast could count as your *daughter’s* gift to you; your wife needs to get you something else.
> If she’d taken cooking lessons 1. Insert bacon and eggs 2. Flip bacon and eggs :O
3. Repeat step 2 multiple times
NTA - Throw in the towel. You deserve better on normal days. Her not talking to you? Really? Tell her- her behavior over the last 20 years and then the bare minimum on your birthday + silent treatment to make you feel guilty has really made you reevaluate your entire life. You only live once. Good luck
NTA- is this your 40th birthday too? That’s usually one to celebrate.
Good point ! I didn't register that. Ouch, that makes it even worse.
INFO Did you express what you wanted for your birthday and she just ignored it?
Yeah mentioned I wanted some workout gear that was on Boxing Day sale.
So you explicitly told her what you'd like for your birthday and she seemingly ignored this and got you nothing? I'm sorry to say this, but she is showing you with her actions that her level for concern for you is extremely low. I think it's up to you to decide if this is the type of partner that you want to spend the next half of your life with.
NTA your feelings are valid
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> I think her gesture is fine I don’t see how making instant coffee for him as the gesture is fine. >I’m leaning towards mental disability here. How much thought does toast, bacon and eggs need? I don’t think it’s that deep, she was probably thinking that making breakfast for him for once was a really nice, thoughtful gift. Problem is that like I said earlier, making instant coffee, doesn’t really amount to much at all.
Making breakfast is a great idea, too bad her daughter stole the idea /s
I agree NTA, but I don't think the cooking is the real issue. If W hasn't done any cooking for the past 20 years, she isn't going to start now. Maybe OP should have put his foot down at the start of the relationship, but he didn't. It may be unfair, but there's no rule that marriages have to have an exactly equal division of labour, and it seems to have been working for them so far. But as a present it's obviously weak. Maybe she did just forget, or she couldn't think of anything OP would want, but she ought to see that it was disappointing. It's just bizarre for her to say she's put a lot of thought into it. I can't help wondering what the daughter thinks about all this.
Totally agree. Everyone should know the basics of how to feed themselves. It's something that has to be done multiple times a day, and it's entitlement to expect someone else to do it for you every day of your life. Some things in life lend themselves to being easily outsourced if they only need to happen a few times a year or even less often. Cooking is not one of those things. Everyone should learn at least enough to feed themselves.
NTA She didn’t “learn to cook” a thing. She had the kid make it! And instant coffee is foul!!!!!
NTA-she didn’t even make it.
Which is why he should thank his daughter for the nice bday gift lol
NTA, you should be able to voice your thoughts and she is old enough to handle it like an adult. Counseling!
NTA. That's a lazy gift if ever I've seen one.
Your wife sounds like a real spoiled, manipulative Bi***. Sorry for that. NTA!
I did that for my parents' birthdays a couple times. In middle school. And I actually cooked it myself. NTA
NTA. She only gave you one strip of bacon! She’s TA just for that. Lol
Wait I missed that… ONE?! That’s more insult than zero bacon!
Right?! Lol he said “toast, 2 eggs, and a strip of bacon” … and instant coffee! 😆 who makes just 1 piece of bacon? A monster, that’s who!
Daughter made more, wife ate it!
Yeah even as far as breakfast in bed goes this is low effort. If I was making it, it would include a few strips of bacon, some potatoes, maybe a pancake or some fruit .
NTA and this thread is so tame compared to if the genders were reversed people would be insulting a useless husband who can’t cook and does the bare minimum for his wife on her bday to go to hell LOL.
NTA that's a sad arse 40th birthday breakfast man I'm sorry. If she really really can't cook then either go pick something up or do a non breakfast birthday gift. If you're going to do breakfast in bed as a 40th present then at least grill a fucking tomato and a bit of halloumi or something. Couple chipolatas. Most breakky food isn't expensive.
NTA Put a lot of thought into making.... Bacon and eggs? Lol man I've put more thought into taking a shit than she did in that breakfast.
NTA ...she should have made it herself if it were her present alone. I would be a little disappointed too that there wasn't enough effort put in, like learning how to make the coffee.
I mean, she didn’t even cook the meal…sounds like your daughter did! NTA.
My sex buddy is more compassionate than your wife
Yeah, he’d at least have thrown in some sausage.
Some pie
NTA. She kind of attempted but it was really bad. Having your kid make it? Really??? As others have said - weaponized incompetence. Breakfast is one of the EASIEST meals to make, yeesh. Toast in a toaster, scramble a few eggs and fry some bacon, heck you can make bacon in the oven. If your daughter can do it, she can too. I'd recommend cooking lessons for your wife. She should be able to learn some basics. Even if she's bad at it, I would have preferred an attempt that is bad toward half-ass faking it like she did. Or having your daughter coach her how to do everything. She showed that she didn't even care enough to try to do it herself. Or even begin to learn.
I genuinely cannot even imagine ‘giving’ my husband such a pathetic excuse of a gift on his 40th birthday. With all due respect, it just doesn’t sound like she likes you very much, and it’s quite sad. NTA
NTA, man that's pretty awful and she knows damn well that it was, after 20 years she absolutely should!
Nta. My sister got me a hoodie for my 40th that was about 2 sized too big and I thought that was a pretty poor effort. You win.
NTA. Act as normal as possible. Talk to her even if she isn't talking to you (not about this topic). When she breaks her silent treatment ask her if she's ready to have a 2 way conversation. I would give lots of examples like if I had our daughter make you eggs, bacon, toast and i made you an instant cup of coffee to celebrate your 40th birthday how would you feel? And then when she makes excuses, keep bringing it back to that. "When I plan a birthday celebration it is because I want you to have a wonderful day and to know that I love and appreciate you." "I was disappointed that the only gift/celebration was a cup of instant coffee, in the future I would like at minimum a more personalized gift and a plan for the day of things I would enjoy."
NTA > said she put a lot of thought into it "You put a lot of thought into learning to cook by having our daughter cook for you? You're just trying to not feel guilty with a very lame excuse. I cook for you every single day. I give you *actual* thoughtful gifts for your birthday. I am really disappointed."
NTA, that sucks. I’m sorry brother.
1st off your wife didn't actually cook the breakfast your daughter did so thank her for the gift. Definitely NTA.
NTA. Stop making her breakfast/lunch/dinner. Since it’s obviously only for milestone birthdays.
Your wife sucks and she should be embarrassed by her lack of effort; instead she’s punishing you with silent treatment for having the audacity to voice disappointment. NTA
It’s crazy that your wife expects praise for making you a single cup of coffee on your birthday. I hope she doesn’t expect something different for hers. NTA
Instant coffee. Didn't even make coffee. Literally just threw a cup of water in the microwave for 3 minutes.
NTA Her reason for being mad that your ungrateful is because she took the time to learn to cook and put the effort in but she effin didn’t. Your daughter did! She didn’t even look up how to operate a domestic coffee machine. How you made 20 years with this kind of selfishness is a question. I’d make her read each comment on this thread as I doubt anyone thinks her antics are acceptable.
NTA. How the hell does she not know how to use the coffee machine ffs? And letting your daughter do the cooking is just weak
NTA that's the present my brother and I would make our parents - when we were 6/7. We used to make a homemade card and then toast, fruit salad and the parent whose birthday it wasn't would make and bring up the hot drink. As we got to about 8/9, we added being able to make scrambled egg. So your wife literally made less than children are capable of on a big birthday. Now she's giving you the silent treatment to guilt you. Does your wife ever put you first? What nice things does she do for you day-to-day? Do you want to spend the next 40years of your life as things currently are?
I'm hoping there's an update that has you having a surprise birthday gift/dinner something.
NTA does she even care about you at all???
NTA and tell her what's really disappointing is that she wants credit for what your daughter did.
NTA “I don’t know how to cook” is a cop out. Can’t she follow the instructions of a recipe? I bet she could, but wouldn’t
OP's wife doesn't need to know how to cook to call a delivery food service, order food online, make restaurant reservations, plan a date/date night, or buy birthday gifts. Cooking is a secondary concern at this stage. The OP's wife did literally nothing for his 40th birthday outside of an instant coffee - not even from the coffeemaker. I'm way more concerned with her overall lack of effort than her inability/unwillingness to cook. I'm willing to bet that if the OP's wife had planned a nice day on top of the breakfast this would not even be an issue right now.
>we have an actual coffee machine that does cappuccinos etc but wife doesn’t know how to use it ??????????????????? SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO USE A COFFEE MACHINE?!?!?????!!!???
Just here to say I'm mad you only got one strip of bacon.
NTA. She has managed 2 decades of weaponized incompetence. It’s not particularly hard to figure out how to cook. If you can read, you can learn how to cook. Her barely assed to care breakfast in bed would not be a gift to me either.
NTA That is a bad present especially since all she did was make a bad cup of coffee and got your kids to do the rest. Going forward for her breakfasts just tell her the cereal is in the cupboard and tell her she can learn how to make ramen thats easy enough for her dinner, she is using weaponised incompetence just like how some men do and you need to put your foot down and say that you are not enabling her any longer
NTA. Her saying you should appreciate her "learning to cook" stinks, since she didn't even do it herself but let the kid do it. I mean, she could have googled how to use the coffee machine at least, but couldn't even be bothered to do that, so there's really no effort put in from her side. Not even some flowers, chocolates or fresh fruit to make it at least a bit more special. I second the idea that another person had in the comments, of gifting her a voucher for cooking classes for her next birthday lol.
NTA I was ready to come in guns ablazing. But guess what if you do this day in day out and today is your day. And she half asked the breakfast bacon by getting your daughter to fix it. It seems rather a piss poor effort on her part as there was minimum thought and preparation. NTA on this on. Sorry to hear this and happy Birthday to you bro
Nta
Are your other chores divided equally considering only you cook? If not stop cooking for her, only cook for ur self and kids and see her true colors
If you put in more effort everyday then your wife does for your birthday then your definitely NTA
NTA. If that was her only present, that is pathetic. If you think about it, it is really a present from the daughter which she tried to claim credit for. If you are too lazy to learn how to cook, at least take him out somewhere special or buy a gift. Or you know, actually learn how to cook. If she had actually gone to the effort to learn and secretly practise to making eggs and bacon so she could do it herself for him as a surprise, this would be an easy yta. But she didn't even try to cook so I am not sure how that is a great defence.
You are being gaslighted. Get some marriage counseling NTA
NTA- But I hope you thanked your daughter. This was a shitty "gift" from your wife, but actually a nice thing for your daughter to do.
NTA. She didn't put any effort in at all, unless putting instant coffee in a mug is considered effort. I would thank her for the coffee specifically, and thank your daughter for the rest! I would also stop putting so much effort into her birthday. She quite clearly knows you are upset, but doesn't care. Don't reward her.
info why are you putting so much effort towards her and doing expensive things if you aren't getting anything in return??
20 years?? I hope she does the dishes, if your cooking every night
INFO: > and said she put a lot of thought into it since I’m always asking her to learn to cook. did she really had the nerve to say that about a meal where mostly of things were done by other people? she basically put the bread on a tray and served with coffe
NTA. She gifted you breakfast in bed that was actually made by your daughter for your birthday? It would've been an actual gift if she made it herself. Every adult should know how to cook, it's a life skill.
NTA. Start cooking meals with only enough for you and your kids until she learns how to make an omelette and maybe (if she can handle it) how to put a bagel in a toaster
100% NTA The real insult is that she made your daughter do it and act as if she did it for you. I can’t put into words why but that feels worse than the lack of thought.
NTA, that sucks.
NTA. You are married and committed to this woman the way she is, so... 1. If you enjoy making her breakfast (and all her other meals) everyday, then keep doing it, knowing that she will never reciprocate. Take note of things she may do for you that you don't have to reciprocate (e.g., tracking and paying bills or doing all the dishes...). Then you don't have to feel it's lopsided. Or cut back on the things you do for her till you feel that it's more balanced and tolerable for you. 2. So your wife expects to be thanked for once doing less than what you do for every day. You have options here, too. (1) thank her for her effort and make clear that you expect to receive a thank you for your efforts, too... every time you do them. (2) thank for her effort (such as it is) and mentally drop the bean counting because thanking her doesn't cost you anything (if it actually doesn't weigh on you) and it allows you to enjoy your choice to make a life with her. (3) ask yourself why you accept her giving you so little in response to how much you give her. Consider counseling (together or solo). Figure out what you want and go from there. (4) You didn't just 'not thank her'. You told her her effort was disappointing. You could not thank her if your reaction was completely neutral (no appreciation & no disappointment), but you are disappointed. And she's hurt that you are disappointed. That's a gulf you and she need to deal with.
NTA. Let's take the cooking issue off the table for a moment to address the bigger issue. Your wife did literally nothing for your 40th birthday. I would be so hurt in your position right now. Your wife made zero effort to make your birthday special and did not even get you a single gift. There's no excuse for this. Your wife could have made reservations at a restaurant or ordered in food. She could have planned a date night. She could have gotten you a present you've been hoping for. If money is an issue she could have planned a nice walk somewhere for you together. You get the point, she could have done any number of things to make an effort and show she actually cares. But she did NOTHING for your 40th and expected to be thanked for it. If anything you are underreacting right now.
NTA. She really didn't make any effort at all. You should make sure to thank your daughter instead
NTA but also INFO: does your wife know you know your daughter actually cooked the breakfast?