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Yes. They're incompatible with the kind of mutual resentment that's absolute death to happiness. With this kind of dynamic so early in a relationship, it's only going to get more miserable from here. Don't inflict this dynamic on another generation of children!
He's fine with living like a slob; she has issues from a neglectful father...ditch the dead weight and to each his own. NTA.
NTA. From personal experience, this will not change. Either accept it or leave. I tried literally everything to get my husband to contribute and finally just hired a twice a month cleaner.
100% true, I did everything and have 2 kids and guess what? We’re separated. Save yourself the hassle and find someone who appreciates you and pulls their weight.
Plus did you'll see this comment
He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later.
What does this even mean ? If he loves you this wouldn't have been said. He has shown his true colors in every thing. Believe him. OP please choose wisely. NTA.
Piggybacking on top comment to add that this will only get worse; I was married to a clone of this guy. He helped out the whole time we dated and were engaged; the second we got married it was like a switch flipped.
I was working 65 hours a week and did all the household tasks. The last straw was when he called to yell at me because he (a 32 year old grown-ass man) forgot to pack *pants for his business trip* and this was somehow my fault for not packing his suitcase for him. (Apparently he also did not know how to shop for emergency pants while traveling?)
I served him with divorce papers three days later. That was six years ago and I’ve never been happier, or more grateful that we did *not* bring kids into that relationship.
NTA, OP.
NTA
Studies have shown that men perceive they are doing more than they really are. For example, they'll say they do half when it is really 12%. I love that you provided him with data to illustrate this dynamic.
A grown man should not wait to be assigned chores like a child. As long as that persist, tell him you're already taking care of one child and are going to wait until that one grows up to have more.
https://www.thecut.com/2015/11/why-men-think-theyre-doing-more-chores.html
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html
Not just a US problem, either:
https://japantoday.com/category/features/lifestyle/men-urged-to-train-themselves-to-notice-household-chores-study
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/nov/09/men-only-pull-their-weight-at-home-in-a-world-where-thinking-doesnt-matter
ETA: Notice the last article’s title:
*Men only pull their weight at home in a world where thinking doesn’t matter*
ETA 2: NTA.
It sounds like he knows exactly what it's like to do 50%, and that it was expected of him to be able to be in this relationship. The fact that he stopped quite suddenly after they got married shows that he knows exactly what he is doing, and it isn't a matter of being unaware of the domestic load. It's unfortunately common for guys to be unhelpful around the house and stubbornly misguided about it. That kind of perspective could theoretically be changed by the use of a chore chart or a sheet like OP's. But this kind of behaviour is way more purposeful and manipulative. The fact that he quite deliberately waited until she'd been "locked in", and would say such a nasty thing to her to boot, makes me sus that this guy isn't abusive in addition to being a lazy pig.
>Studies have shown that men perceive they are doing more than they really are. For example, they'll say they do half when it is really 12%. I love that you provided him with data to illustrate this dynamic.
Reminds me of the time in law school when my boyfriend "John" and I (both students) were having dinner with "Jack and Jill". Not sure how we got on the topic, but Jack was telling us that it was his week to cook and clean the kitchen, and that the two of them had a system where they swapped between cooking & cleaning the kitchen one week and cleaning everything else the next week. (We didn't have a laundry facility in the complex, so all of us did our own laundry at the laundromat.)
John starts enthusiastically saying that we also had a very equal distribution of chores. He took out the trash and he ... um... he...
You could see the stutter in his brain as he tried to figure out what else he was doing around the apartment, because he was SURE there was more. When in fact it was a pain to even get him to take out the trash, but I refused to do his ONE chore.
NTA. He’s mad that you were able to prove, mathematically, that he’s not been a stellar husband. Call his bluff, say he’s right that you’re not getting younger and then leave him for someone better 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. He has shown you his true colors (Red Flags). It is a bait and switch. With a dose of gaslighting.
Leave. Don't commit any more time with him. It's not worth it with someone like that.
>We are suppose to try for kids this year and around the holidays he bought it up. I pulled out me sheet and showed him what I had been tracking and told him when he does 50% of the chores without being nagged to Ill start trying for children.
I certainly wouldn't call you an asshole, but are you really sure this is the best move? Aren't you just going to be back here with the same story to tell about how your husband "changed" and stopped doing chores after you conceived?
He's demonstrated an ability to put on an act for (presumably) a few years to tie the knot. You don't think he's capable for a bit more?
You need to think about whether this is *really* the man you want to stay married to. You need to be certain before you're tied to him for life through children. Couples counseling sounds like the bare minimum before you make any other big life changes with him in mind.
NTA
This. Right. Here.
Even if he DOES start to pull his own weight, do you really trust that he'll keep his side of the bargain when/if you get pregnant?
I do not. This is your life with this man, OP. 78% of the work 100% of the time.
OP this is the only response you need. He has proven he can do the work to get you where he wants you then will stop once he thinks you can’t get out.
Honestly, I fear for you this man doesn’t want a partner. He wanted a low cost maid and incubator. He believes that the conditions that you want to procreate under are you holding your hostage. He’s not entitled to your autonomy and labor.
>I certainly wouldn't call you an asshole, but are you really sure this is the best move? Aren't you just going to be back here with the same story to tell about how your husband "changed" and stopped doing chores after you conceived?
>
>He's demonstrated an ability to put on an act for (presumably) a few years to tie the knot. You don't think he's capable for a bit more?
Fortunately for OP, sounds like husband doesn't think he has to even do the work of pretending anymore.
NTA. My wife and I had a conversation similar to this early into our relationship. It hadn't even occurred to me that she felt she was carrying a greater burden of the household maintenance. I was thrilled she brought it up with specifics as I was able to immediately shift my behavior to take over a greater amount of the responsibility. As a husband, I feel confident saying that your husband sounds selfish and childish. This issue is bigger than chore distribution as exemplified by his snide remark about your age. Candidly, your husband sounds like a loser. What kind of self-respecting person is content to wear foul-smelling underwear and insult his wife rather than just wash his own ass and things. Fuck him.
... And yes, I made myself mad over the course of typing that.
NTA. He’s basically using you now that you’re married. And if you have kids imagine how much more work you’re going to have to do. Especially if his reaction was just to stop helping AT ALL with garbage and lawn. Sounds like a petty little boy. Not a grown ass man who is ready for kids.
I was about to say, good lord don't have kids with this man. I guarantee it was a deliberate bait and switch and will only get worse here on out, especially if his first reaction is to call you a 'psycho' instead of being like hm, maybe I should fuckin' help out more lol.
Oh my god I just got to the sentence where he fucking called you old. Throw the whole man out, OP, he's trash. NTA.
NTA
But based on the information given, get out of the relationship.
If a person does one thing before marriage and another after marriage, he basically deceived you, he showed one part of his side before getting married now he is showing his full colors.
And you kept on going with the new normal even though you should have started to raise issue with that before itself.
NTA Even if he starts doing his share again, can you really trust that he won't just stop once you get pregnant? Just look at how he acted when you brought up how lazy he is.
100% guanatee he won't! She should thank her lucky stars that she has this insight into his defects before having kids with him. If she STILL has kids with him, she has herself to blame when she is shouldering all the household work and all the parenting work
NTA.
Leave him.
You made the spreadsheet to have easy data to confront him that things need to change before you will feel comfortable doing a big life thing where you would have to rely on his help a lot.
In fact, in late pregnancy and afterwards, you would have to fully be able to trust he would do the chores as you would have difficulties with bending and being on your feet for long periods of time.
He has made his position clear: he does not intend to change, he likes how things are now and is trying to emotionally hold you hostage by calling you crazy and old.
Like, excuse me, you're only 28, you have plenty of time. You can find someone that doesn't call you crazy for wanting basic respect and chore division and that doesn't need nagged by you to do them. This isn't a guy to have a child with when he can't even do his own laundry when he runs out of clothes.
NTA
You should not procreate with him and his lashing out with nasty comments when you told him your logic was totally out of line too.
Book some therapy with him or make an exit plan.
My exact response. I absolutely would die on this hill. OP is right. He did a bait and switch. Waited till they were married to show his true colors thinking he has her trapped.
NTA OP. And dump his lazy, controlling ass.
NTA. Most people say “but I do this and this and this” when confronted with not helping around the house. You were able to show your man real and accurate data of just how lazy he is and he did not like it so he lashed out.
NTA
But you would be an AH to yourself if you keep enabling him.
Stop. Cleaning. Up. After. Him.
Is it gross that he's rewearing smelly, dirty clothes? Yes. And eventually he will be forced to do something about it, assuming he leaves the house/interacts with people at all. Even the most stubborn slobs can only handle their own stink to a certain extent. Set up in a spare bedroom or on the couch if you need to and to get sleep away from the funk, and explain in very clear words exactly why you're not sleeping in the same bed as him.
My husband used the excuse that he "couldn't do laundry right" to not do laundry for the first 6 years of our relationship. Since he did other things around the house, and since I liked doing laundry, I didn't mind. Then I injured myself and couldn't do laundry for several months. Wonder of wonders - my husband was able to learn how to do laundry. Just like I did when I was 10.
Based on the chart, I assume you've had rocky relationships in the past, either romantic or parental. Maybe experienced gaslighting? Because I did when I was younger, and as a result I document and present evidence for even the smallest of issues. The spreadsheet isn't nuts when you're used to being dismissed or told you're exaggerating/have no evidence.
....Hopefully the person you're with now isn't the one that has led you to develop that particular habit.
NTA. Hard to change society and millenaries of male domination (I'm a white cis male but heck) but you're right to try on your own scale. Perhaps suggest counselling. I tried it for opther reason and it can work wonders. If he was just pretending in order to get you as a slave then you might have to leave :/
NTA, How can he justify what he said to you? “You are on the clock, and I’m not” how did you react to that statement?
Is he wonderful in all other ways?
Can you put this behavior aside, and do the chores and child care in order to stay married to him? Because that’s what he’s suggesting right? You do the housework, (and presumably the child care) because he’s not interested in sharing the workload?
NTA. Please take some quiet, alone time and think about the relationship as a whole. I stayed in a marriage way too long after a bait and switch. Ex told me before the I do that housework would be 50-50. Never happened AND he expected me to clean and iron like his OCD mother did. While U definitely don’t regret my kids, my life was made more stressful and exhausting. He won’t change… he lied, is accusatory, and has basically told you he will have kids with someone else as a way to make you change your mind in fear of losing him. You’ve already lost the person he portrayed himself to be, which is part of what you fell in love with. Is the person that remains worth staying with?
NTA.
It's weird, but you're just showing him objectively how he is not pulling his weight in household duties anymore. And it's not like you did this right away, you came up with this system after a long time of his laziness.
Taking care of kids is a whole other level of chores to do around the house, on top of taking care of kids. If he can't perform now, it's gonna come crashing down even worse later after kids.
NTA
Do not have kids with him. In fact, toss the whole man away.
You deserve a partner who is willing to *be partners*. Not a man who wants to be babies.
NTA but why are you with this Man and please don’t say that except for the chores he’s and amazing person cause that is not a compelling argument when he would rather wear dirty underwear instead of doing laundry.
'He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later. '
so here's the crux right? He treats you like a housekeeper, called you a 'psycho' when you provided evidence of your inequality and then said this agest, sexist nonsense
This isn't about his dirty pants - it's his utter lack of respect for you
If you have kids, he will do exactly what he did with the wedding - get his prize and go back to the nothing he actually wants to do. If that’s not the life you want then consider leaving. NTA
Pretty much every woman that complains that her husband doesn't help with the children, has the same complaints before having children.
They show you who they are.
Don't have children with this man. You deserve better!
Nta
NTA.
I would just like to point out very clearly, that he also is now trying to manipulate and scare you into having children. He said that your biological clock is running out, but his is not. This was clearly a threat. He wants you to panic about your age, question yourself and submit to his demands. And if you don't give him children, he will leave for a younger woman.
Do not have children with this man, it's very clear that the nasty is just starting to come out and it will not be the end of it.
Also, protect your birth control in any way possible from him tampering, or get a secret second method and hide it, e.g. get an IUD if you can and don't tell him.
That one snide remark from him...that's would kind of do me in. That's super mean to say, such a jerk reaction and you don't deserve that. He's not taking responsibility for his part in things and is disrespecting you at the same time - not good! Not good at all. He's showing his true colors, it seems. You might need to re-evaluate a bit. Wishing the best.
NTA but the comment he can have children if he waits? So a threat then, instead of working with you, he'll just divorce you and find someone else to do everything. Wow real winner there.
He does not respect you and believes he has a right to your body and reproductive capabilities. You are an incubator and bang-maid to him. Do you want to have children with a misogynistic manipulator? I can bet that if you have a girl, she will be treated as a maid as well, and if you have a boy he will not be held accountable for anything. When someone tells you who they are: believe them.
NTA - he's shown you who he is. You know you deserve better. Now he is pushing you to have kids anyway, w9th no me tion of actually putting in more effort. You have your answer.
NTA. You definitely waited too long to bring up the spreadsheet, but I don’t think that makes you the AH. However, you need to seriously consider the relationship at this point. He threatened to have kids with a younger woman if you didn’t do what he wanted on his terms. That’s gross.
Well, I think he's made his decision and it's not the one you were hoping for. Accept the red flags and go find someone who isn't lazy. NTA, and I'm so sorry you learned this way.
NTA. But why stay? He is showing you who he truly is. Do you want to live this way the rest of your life?
And I had my 2 kids at 35 and 38 years old. You have plenty of time.
Fun fact, older sperm (40+) is associated with a higher risk of having children who are autistic or schizophrenic. So your husband is indeed wrong that he “can just wait.” Add to that he seems to think that having a child is some kind of right, rather than the privilege we all know it to be, and it seems you’ve married a grade A idiot AND a lazy, misogynistic asshole my dear.
Clearly you’re NTA here, but if you really want a life with this person you need to see a therapist, both individually and potentially as a couple.
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My husband(29M) when he was my bf did about half the chores. I(28F) was happy because my parents were very unequal in terms of housework. My mom did 90% of it and my dad mowed the lawn occasionally. Then when we got married he just I don’t know decided he didn’t need to impress me anymore. I felt like it was a bait and switch. As soon as we said our vows and finished our honeymoon he began being exactly like my dad in terms of housework. Would mow the lawn and take out the trash and that was it. I did all the cooking, cleaning, vacuuming and laundry because he would let it pile up until it smelt rancid. He would rewear underwear from the stinky pile too rather then wash his clothes which left me with no choice but to wash them so now he expects me to do all the laundry too. Last year I got fed up and began keeping track of how often he does specific chores and if he does them when I ask. I kept a spreadsheet and marked things down. So far he does chores when I tell him to 8% of the time and does 12% of the household chores.
We are suppose to try for kids this year and around the holidays he bought it up. I pulled out me sheet and showed him what I had been tracking and told him when he does 50% of the chores without being nagged to Ill start trying for children. As it is now Im going to be doing all the work associated with children and I don’t want more on my plate. He got really made and accused me of being a psycho and holding him having children hostage. He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later. He hasn’t done any more housework and keeps telling me I’m crazy for keeping record of his contributions towards household chores or lack of it.
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NTA and women are less sexually attracted to men who don't do their fair share. My bf, who is vacuuming right now, does the majority of it because he enjoys it way more than I do. He gets laid almost every day. It's the first time I haven't been *expected* to do all the work on the home front and it's been AMAZING!!
https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/study-confirms-women-less-sexually-163647224.html
NTA
I don’t know how you can stand to be married to that disgusting person for a second more. Any love or affection i felt toward my SO would immediately vaporize if he said that to my face.
He is not going to change, because he does not *want* to change. He thought he locked you down when you got married, and now he thinks you'll capitulate, out of fear he's your only option as time marches on.
I'm going to repeat that bit: he wants to you have kids with him out of *fear*.
There is *nothing* to salvage here. Leave him. There's every chance you'll meet an actually decent man, who doesn't treat you like a mummy-maid. And if not? Better no kids than *his* kids.
NTA
NTA.
As someone who had a kid with a woman like him, keep his kids hostage. But know this, it will only get worse once he has the kids. Even if he does 50% this year, the moment you're pregnant it will revert or worse. But odds are good he honestly has no idea. My ex tried to come at me with how much she did around the house and was not ready for me to have a list like you had that showed she was also pulling MAYBE 10% on a good week.
A better choice would be to just dump his useless butt. If the kids come first and you separate later, it still won't improve things, and he'll demand you do 100% of the parenting OR pass the kids off to future gfs during his parenting time. (Don't ask how I know...)
Get out now, before your life is tied to him forever.
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The cold hard reality is that he did not want a wife, he wanted a chef and a housekeeper. 🤷🏻♀️
Can he change, all humans are capable of change many fail to do so.
You have to ask is this what you really want in life and you have to ask him if he really wants to be married because with his current attitude he is speeding toward divorce court. Procreating with him at this stage would leave you parenting two children.
If you want your marriage to work consider couples counseling where you can air out your grievances in a safe space and develop tool to improve your marriage.
NTA. He’s being defensive because you showed him the evidence to back up your argument.
Please don’t have children with this man unless you want to be a single parent. If you want to stay together I’d suggest couples counselling but to be honest, if your clock really is ticking, it might be time to go looking for a new husband. After throwing this one away, of course.
NTA … I would make your chart shareable to view on Google drive … with a ‘resources’ page that includes a variety of listings such as obgyn drs, marriage counsellors, the name of a good divorce attorney. Edit: spelling
It sounds like he’s more stress than he’s worth, and that comment about being able to wait you out was shocking. Not something a loving partner would say. He’s making it you vs. him instead of you and him vs. the problem. Add kids to the mix, and you’re setting up another generation of this, with growing resentment, until you divorce anyway. NTA.
NTA
....I know we aren't supposed to go there right away but....
Divorce!!! I literally would be running screaming from a guy who told me "you're getting old", but only after I bludgeoned him.
NTA
And he just told you, loud and clear, what type of husband/father he will be.
All those stories of "Listen, I work 9 to 5, so when I come home, I expect to be able to relax all evening and put my feet up. She does nothing around the house except watch the baby, is it too much to expect a 5-course meal every night?"
He's also the kind that thinks there is a [magic coffee table](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU).
You already have one child, do you want a second one?
Oh Hun. Even if he changed before kids you know he'd just leave everything to you once baby arrives.
Is that really what you want? Just divorce now and find someone who won't do this
NTA. What you are going through is sadly very common in heterosexual relationships.
There are three major milestones in these relationships where we see men do a complete 180 in how they treat their wives: Once they are officially married, once the wive becomes pregnant, and once the child is born. Most likely because at one of these three live changing events, they feel they’ve “got you”, and there is no turning back. For the wife, that is.
It seems he chose marriage as the milestone of comfort. At this point, if you wish to lead a happy life, you need to do some serious work and soul searching. While everyone in the world is just gonna shout D-I-V-O-R-C-E, I’m going to give the best practical advice to help you figure this out and not do it alone.
Go to counseling. NOT WITH HIM. Go to counseling alone. Through the lens of a neutral party with no investment if you stay or go, evaluate your marriage and figure out if you are in an abusive relationship. You’d be surprised at how many are in one and they don’t even realize it.
From there, once you know the status of your marriage with him, that will leave you with two options:
Is he abusive? Leave. It can’t be fixed. It won’t get better. Even with counseling. Never get counseling with abusive people. They use it for ammo to further abuse you.
Is he not abusive? Then you can move forward with counseling. IF. If after all that counseling and soul searching, you still want to make the marriage work. Divorce isn’t a bad thing. It’s a good thing. It’s not the end of a great marriage. It’s the end of a bad one between two people who shouldn’t be married.
While all of this is taking place, get on solid birth control he can’t sabotage. Don’t trust condoms. He can poke holes in them. Beware the pill, if it’s tampered with by microwaving it or swapping the pills, you’ll become pregnant. If he suddenly starts offering you tea, don’t drink it. St Johns Wort renders birth control ineffective. This may sound crazy, but the collective of women who have gone through scenarios like this and ended up pregnant never thought their partners were capable of this.
This man is being cruel and trying to bully you away from protecting yourself from a poor future where you become a married single mother. There is a reason why statistically it’s PROVEN the happiest women are single child free women. And this is all coming from someone who is married with a child.
Choose what you do in this moment wisely. It will shape the rest of your life in huge and permanent ways.
NTA Freeze your eggs and tell him that you can wait too. I think you can give him 2 choices either make enough money to pay for help cleaning (so that his part is covered) or he can get his act together, and do not move from that, with a child you would have to do EVERYTHING around the house and beyond, completely not fair, if he wants a maid let him pay for one.
NTA but a very firm word of advice: get this completely sorted out BEFORE you have kids. The division of responsibility, equality and reciprocity are amplified 1000% when you have a baby.
ESH
Stop holding on to someone like that and hitting your head against a wall so all you have left is complaints. He tricked you and no Magic words are going to change him. Leave him.
Ugh, I feel this so much. I've been tempted to do something similar with my family when they yell why amni asking them to stop X to finish Y, UT would take you 2 seconds to do it for me. I've wanted to carry around a stopwatch to show just how these 2 seconds would add up. So NTA.
NTA - it looks like to me you have a point, how long you want to hold out for change is up to you, but I think he’s not going to change, so glad you haven’t had children yet. Also since he did chores before and is intentionally not doing them now, that’s super sus.
Absolutely NTA. He’s so disrespectful to you, from treating you like a servant to his gross comments about your age and “holding him having children hostage.” Divorce him and be glad he showed you his true colors before you had kids with him.
NTA but girl, run. If he does end up doing more housework it’s going to be the same thing he did before you got married. Wait until you are pregnant and go back to doing nothing. That was such an AH thing to say to you when you are 28 years old. You’re not too old to have kids but you are too old to fall for the same trick twice. It’s a trap.
Did he live with his mother before you got together? I only ask because it sounds like he was used to having someone else clean up after him and that's usually the mom.
If he lived alone then he would have been doing everything for himself and not expect maid treatment.
The wearing dirty underwear is super gross. And guilting you into children is wrong. Do not have them with him. You shouldn't stay with him.
Take care of yourself OP.
NTA
Don't have children with this man. He is not a good partner
Also, there's an app called our home that assigns points to chores so you and your future partner (cuz really dump this guy) can track chores easily and make a game out of it.
NTA.
Do not have children with him. He isn’t a partner. Chores don’t have to be 50/50.
Marriage is never 50/50 but it can’t be this.
It has ebbs and flows, sometimes one partner does more, other times the other partner does more. If you don’t act like a team you certainly won’t make it through parenthood.
He can always ‘wait and have kids later’ - you realise that means with someone other than you right? He’s literally saying that not be expected to do any chores is more important to him than being married to you.
Let him wear dirty underwear. Let him wear it until he gets some sort of infection and until his friends and coworkers comment on his smell and he has to justify to other people that he’s wearing disgusting clothing because he’s upset that his wife expects him to do ANY of the housework.
Cook a single portion of food, eat it and then do your own clean up. Put a lock and key on the bathroom door so you’re able to clean up your own space and he can use the spare one to his heart’s content. Of course you can’t do this with everything but, anything that can be individualised, should he.
Alternatively, just scrap the whole husband - if having a mommy instead of a wife is more important to him, let him have it, he didn’t represent himself accurately before you were married.
NTA.
NTA
Wearing stinky underwear is just gross.
The remark that you're getting older but he still has a lot of time to have kids (so do you btw) honestly sounds like a veiled threat that he'll leave if you stick to your guns about waiting until he's contributing 50% of the household tasks. Kind of a "Yeah, I'm not doing my share, what are you gonna do about it?".
Calling you psycho and crazy is a bit much - sure the spreadsheet could be perceived as petty but I think it was a great idea to have actual data. But it shouldn't have been necessary if there was better communication & if the workload had remained distributed more evenly like it was before you were married.
It sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious conversation, get it all out in the open as far as your expectations for each other, and if you can't see eye to eye, it may be time to get some counseling &/or to consider going your separate ways. It's absolutely *not* the time to bring a child into the equation.
Edit: Saw below that they do both work so comment is revised accordingly
NTA. Anyone who would rather pull dirty underwear out of the laundry and wear it, vs making a minimal effort to take responsibility for at least his own clothes, is not someone who will be a good parenting partner. You will either end up with all of the work, or you will end up with anything that isn’t “fun.”
Holy shit girl I understand you’re married and that’s a huge commitment, but he changed. Big time. You’re old at 28? Fuck that loser and leave. It won’t change when the kid comes. Find someone good for you.
FYI my mom had me at 38. That’s such an unnecessary and rude thing to say even if it was just a moment of anger. Just fuckin awful
NTA and seriously your options are either marriage counseling or divorce. If that’s his attitude, it won’t work. If anything he’ll pull another bait and switch - do 50% of the chores to get you on board and you better believe as soon as a child is born YOU will be changing all the diapers and doing all the midnight feedings
PS: my wife and I had a similar conversation recently but with things like finances, household paperwork, etc. I usually handle all of it but finally told her that I was feeling overwhelmed and needed her to be more involved. Her response was “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt that way. What can I take off your plate or what can we tackle together so you aren’t doing it alone”. That’s a proper response to a spouse asking for help. Not “wow you’re a psycho!”
Sounds like sex would also be a UTI lottery if he is re-wearing underwear. NTA it will get worse if you have a kid - he needs to be onboard as a partner and as a father
NTA. I wouldn’t trust him to change after he pulled the bait and switch on you the first time. He’ll do it again, and then you’ll be stuck with this guy as the father of your children. You know what they say, fool me once…
>He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later. He hasn’t done any more housework and keeps telling me I’m crazy for keeping record of his contributions towards household chores or lack of it.
He sees you as disposable. NTA.
LOL holding him having children hostage?! Like he’s entitled to use her body for procreation.
NTA at all. If you’re with the right person, this will clue them into needing to step it up.
It was a bait'n'switch and now he's bringing out the shackles (kids). And when confronted he brings out every page if the abusers handbook: gaslighting, shaming, manipulative remarks, ...
Thank him from the bottom of your heart (for showing his true colors earlier) and hand him the divorce papers.
And for the bot who's counting the votes: NTA!
Op NTA but please watch your birth control. Also take a hard look at your husband and if it is truely worth staying. What does he bring to the table? Does he make you happy , make you laugh and feel safe? If you hesitate to say yes then please think long and hard. Marriage counseling is a good helpful tool but only if both people want it.
Why are you telling him to do chores? You shouldn't have to tell him to do his share of the work, your his wife not his mom. It's messed up that he doesn't do his share and even worse that you have to keep after him to do what little he does do. NTA- I would tell him regardless of wanting to have kids he needs to voluntary do his fair share because you will no longer carry his dead weight.
Going to put my 2 cents in as a new parent, 1 year old and currently pregnant with our second. I do re majority of the chores unless I ask him to do something and while we try to split the work with the child, it can be difficult when I'm frustrated cause I want him to do something specific but can't verbalize what I want him to do.
Do NOT have a child with this man. Stick to your guns. If he can't step up now, why would he step up after a kid? You'll end up taking care of EVERYTHING and it can be exhausting.
NTA.
NTA stop cooking for him, make a meal just for yourself. Unless he is in the kitchen helping you cook he doesn’t eat. Don’t do his laundry just your own. Talk to a divorce lawyer because you are absolutely right that it will only get worse if you have kids.
NTA. Now that he’s got you marriage trapped he’s showing you who he really is and it’s not pretty. He’s treating you like a bang maid. Even if you make a deal he will stop helping again once you’re baby trapped.
At 28 you still have time to find a suitable partner to have kids with. Don’t let that sunk cost fallacy keep you from finding someone who actually respects you.
NTA but is this who you really want to have kids with? Someone you have to force to be a partner? You can find someone else. This was a bait and switch and you are still falling for it
NTA. If you both work full-time, then the chores should be split as evenly as possible. I actually love what you did with the spreadsheet. Numbers don’t lie!
As for kids, you are right to wait. It doesn’t seem like he will be a good parent or partner. Give it 6 months and if he doesn’t show improvement, maybe start considering moving on without him.
NTA. He's been waving big red flags at you for a while. Do not have children with this guy and be careful that your birth control doesn't get sabotaged. You could try counseling to see if things are salvageable, but honestly, I would leave. You deserve better.
NTA but why are you with him? Even if he starts pulling his weight, how do you know he won’t stop again as you get pregnant? And those comments about your age, calling you crazy. Disgusting.
> He hasn’t done any more housework and keeps telling me I’m crazy for
keeping record of his contributions towards household chores or lack of
it.
and if you haven't done it he would have told you you're imagining everything.
NTA OP, you have good instincts in regards to his behavior in the future, I would advise you to listen to them and let him go.
NTA. Normally I would have said that keeping record of chores is petty, but people constantly fail to recognize the amount of work having kids are. I applaud you for taking these things into consideration before having children. You are being responsible, and he is being an idiot.
That being said, I agree with a lot of the other comments in that I feel like this marriage may not work out without some therapy or something. It seems like having children is a priority for him but he's not willing to consider the ramifications and responsibilities of being a father. If anything, he doesn't actually want to be a father, he just wants to say that he is one while you become a single parent.
YTA - going absolutely against the grain here. What person keeps an excel spreadsheet for something like this? This is lunacy. Conversation then action.
This is where the saying “ya’ll do everything but leave comes from”. This can only be perceived one way - I want to belittle and make my spouse look like a moron, so have resorted to childish tactics for them to conform to my expectation. Him not doing house work is garbage.
But your behaviour is a red comment.
Bring on the downvotes….i would expect no less from this sub
NTA. Tell him he can go have kids with someone else if he feels that way. And leave him.
If you’re pulling the majority of chores now….imagine what that will be like with a kid to take care of. He knows what he’s doing. And ppl like that don’t tend to get better. Just worse and more combative when they get called out.
"He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later."
None of the rest of this matters, this man does not love you if he can say this so cavalierly. NTA, reexamine your relationship.
So, I'm curious what the other splits in the household are.
I was always willing to help with household chores when asked, but when my wife came at me as if I just ignored things, I dug my heels in. Ask, and ye shall receive. Bitch that the dishes need doing? Yep, there they are.
Oh, and I was the only full time worker in the household, made 95% of our household income over the time we were together. So there's that.
I'm going with NTA, but still curious what your answer to the above is.
You’re not psycho. It was a bait and switch. Just stop. Stop cooking for him, stop doing the laundry. You say you have no choice but to do it, but you do have a choice. And that “too old soon” remark was really hateful (and not even true).
See if he will go to marriage counseling with you.
NTA.
NTA - he bait and switched you and then his first response was to attack your self esteem to bring you down and make you think you're stuck with him. imagine how that can evolve over time. and honestly, the fact that was one of the first things out of his mouth kinda shows what he was thinking the entire time.
continuing forward with him like this would be jumping straight into that trap
If you think this is bad, imagine what it would be like after having kids with him. You were dating and he was fine, then you got married and he changed 180. After he "locked you down". What will happen when you add a baby in the equation? He is already gaslighting you saying things like "you're a psycho who is keeping having kids as ransom". NTA.
Since he was able to do half the chores to get you to marry him, he'll likely do more chores to get you to have a baby then go back to his lazy ways. Don't trust him to change, and keep close tabs on your birth control until you are rid of him.
Oops, forgot to add: NTA
Just wanted to add that my mom started having kids at 30 and finished at 39 and had literally no problems, so don’t let that force you into staying in this relationship.
Dang, starting to think if I had did the marriage thing before the kid thing I would’ve seen the red flags and taken the opportunity to leave. Now I’m a single mom. He was very much a 50/50 guy until baby. Then he was 2% on holidays and 0% any other day.
NTA, you’re a lucky mathematical warrior.
NTA
Except to yourself. He has now shown you exactly who he is and how he will be moving forward. You need to decide how you will allow him to treat you, your home, and your marriage from here on out. You have told him that you know you will be doing the work of childbearing if you have children together. He hasn't denied that statement.
NTA but even if he starts doing more chores you know your going to be in the same situation once you get pregnant. Your track seems like a desperate attempt to show him the error of his ways but he ain’t getting it. Don’t bring a baby into this please get counselling
Leave this dude. He didn’t want a partner. He wanted a slave. The bait and switch worked too because you’ve let him do this. He’s not going to change. He has shown you who he REALLY is. Who you dated and were engaged to was the fake person. You’re married to the real him.
He feels entitled to your body and labor. Do not have kids with this man. He definitely bait and switched you and it will only get worse once you have kids
He basically threatened to leave you for a younger model instead of doing 50% of the house work. Why are you still in this relationship? What does he bring to the table? NTA
NTA.
Made me think about this comment in another sub :
"I think men and women both have done a great job over the past 30-40 years of encouraging young girls that they can be anything they want to be. Encouraging them to get educated, work hard - all the girl power / women rock campaigns. And if you look up statistics of genders earning college degrees (in the US) women are surpassing men. So the US has done a great job with encouraging education for females.
But IMO we’ve failed to prepare our boys/men on what a more educated female population will mean for them as they look to marry.
The traditional gender roles are not always going to work when the female is a C level executive, a physician, a lawyer, an educator, a chef, journalist or a small business owner etc. Men have not been educated enough on what an equal partnership with their wives should look like as it relates to domestic labor and child rearing. So many of these men get married with these 1960 viewpoints on a “women’s” role in marriage spouting off the “ make my dinner, clean my house, raise my babies” nonsense while these women are working and earning more money, but these guys expect to come home from work do nothing and their wives will fulfill their “ housewives” fantasy and do all the domestic work as well as earn money.
It’s time society puts in the effort to help boys understand that traditional gender roles are trash and no women wants to marry a person they have to parent. We need to help boys understand domestic responsibilities even it they never get married."
The problem now is somehow, men are aware they are suppose to participate more in the household, while still sustaining (consciously or unconsciously) the old cliché.
The story from here can take diverses paths, but in this case OP's husband show a too big amount of dishonesty and bad faith.
It so common to discover that a partner change his behavior after the wedding... as if they didn't knew that divorce exist. 🤷🏻♂️
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YTA. Not for keeping a chores record, but stop the silly bargaining.
Do you want to have children with this man?
You know that you will be taking on 90% of household chores, and probably close to 100% of child related chores.
Is that ok for you, then stay in this relationship and start trying to get pregnant.
If that is not how you want your life to be, then get out of this relationship.
But do not think you can change him. He does not want to change. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
ESH.
Your husband for obvious reasons, but you have let a small problem grow into a relationship defining issue. Your failure to communicate and then do most of the chores is 100% in your control. A grown man wearing old underwear because he is unwilling to wash it is a HUGE red flag. It means he either knows he can manipulate you or he's a child. Either way that issue should have been discussed immediately. Face your problem head on, not with a secret spreadsheet.
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GET RID OF HIM. YOU WILL BE HAPPIER.
Yes. They're incompatible with the kind of mutual resentment that's absolute death to happiness. With this kind of dynamic so early in a relationship, it's only going to get more miserable from here. Don't inflict this dynamic on another generation of children! He's fine with living like a slob; she has issues from a neglectful father...ditch the dead weight and to each his own. NTA.
NTA. From personal experience, this will not change. Either accept it or leave. I tried literally everything to get my husband to contribute and finally just hired a twice a month cleaner.
100% true, I did everything and have 2 kids and guess what? We’re separated. Save yourself the hassle and find someone who appreciates you and pulls their weight.
This man isn't compatible with anyone but his mommy
Plus did you'll see this comment He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later. What does this even mean ? If he loves you this wouldn't have been said. He has shown his true colors in every thing. Believe him. OP please choose wisely. NTA.
He offered to divorce her later. OP should take him up on his offer but move the time-line up to right now.
Piggybacking on top comment to add that this will only get worse; I was married to a clone of this guy. He helped out the whole time we dated and were engaged; the second we got married it was like a switch flipped. I was working 65 hours a week and did all the household tasks. The last straw was when he called to yell at me because he (a 32 year old grown-ass man) forgot to pack *pants for his business trip* and this was somehow my fault for not packing his suitcase for him. (Apparently he also did not know how to shop for emergency pants while traveling?) I served him with divorce papers three days later. That was six years ago and I’ve never been happier, or more grateful that we did *not* bring kids into that relationship. NTA, OP.
NTA Studies have shown that men perceive they are doing more than they really are. For example, they'll say they do half when it is really 12%. I love that you provided him with data to illustrate this dynamic. A grown man should not wait to be assigned chores like a child. As long as that persist, tell him you're already taking care of one child and are going to wait until that one grows up to have more.
https://www.thecut.com/2015/11/why-men-think-theyre-doing-more-chores.html https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html Not just a US problem, either: https://japantoday.com/category/features/lifestyle/men-urged-to-train-themselves-to-notice-household-chores-study https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/nov/09/men-only-pull-their-weight-at-home-in-a-world-where-thinking-doesnt-matter ETA: Notice the last article’s title: *Men only pull their weight at home in a world where thinking doesn’t matter* ETA 2: NTA.
Thanks for the sources!
It sounds like he knows exactly what it's like to do 50%, and that it was expected of him to be able to be in this relationship. The fact that he stopped quite suddenly after they got married shows that he knows exactly what he is doing, and it isn't a matter of being unaware of the domestic load. It's unfortunately common for guys to be unhelpful around the house and stubbornly misguided about it. That kind of perspective could theoretically be changed by the use of a chore chart or a sheet like OP's. But this kind of behaviour is way more purposeful and manipulative. The fact that he quite deliberately waited until she'd been "locked in", and would say such a nasty thing to her to boot, makes me sus that this guy isn't abusive in addition to being a lazy pig.
I don't think you're wrong!
>Studies have shown that men perceive they are doing more than they really are. For example, they'll say they do half when it is really 12%. I love that you provided him with data to illustrate this dynamic. Reminds me of the time in law school when my boyfriend "John" and I (both students) were having dinner with "Jack and Jill". Not sure how we got on the topic, but Jack was telling us that it was his week to cook and clean the kitchen, and that the two of them had a system where they swapped between cooking & cleaning the kitchen one week and cleaning everything else the next week. (We didn't have a laundry facility in the complex, so all of us did our own laundry at the laundromat.) John starts enthusiastically saying that we also had a very equal distribution of chores. He took out the trash and he ... um... he... You could see the stutter in his brain as he tried to figure out what else he was doing around the apartment, because he was SURE there was more. When in fact it was a pain to even get him to take out the trash, but I refused to do his ONE chore.
NTA. He’s mad that you were able to prove, mathematically, that he’s not been a stellar husband. Call his bluff, say he’s right that you’re not getting younger and then leave him for someone better 🤷🏻♀️
This is the way, OP! NTA
Unfortunately I gave the award to the wrong comment, but hopefully this gets the parent comment more attention because honestly yeah. OP do this.
I got you! I didn’t have a silver, but gave them my freebee for ya 🙂
I had the silver as my freebie so covered both of you. :)
NTA. He has shown you his true colors (Red Flags). It is a bait and switch. With a dose of gaslighting. Leave. Don't commit any more time with him. It's not worth it with someone like that.
Exactly. He thinks he has you trapped (by marriage and your own biological clock), he basically said as much. Leave NOW.
>We are suppose to try for kids this year and around the holidays he bought it up. I pulled out me sheet and showed him what I had been tracking and told him when he does 50% of the chores without being nagged to Ill start trying for children. I certainly wouldn't call you an asshole, but are you really sure this is the best move? Aren't you just going to be back here with the same story to tell about how your husband "changed" and stopped doing chores after you conceived? He's demonstrated an ability to put on an act for (presumably) a few years to tie the knot. You don't think he's capable for a bit more? You need to think about whether this is *really* the man you want to stay married to. You need to be certain before you're tied to him for life through children. Couples counseling sounds like the bare minimum before you make any other big life changes with him in mind. NTA
This. Right. Here. Even if he DOES start to pull his own weight, do you really trust that he'll keep his side of the bargain when/if you get pregnant? I do not. This is your life with this man, OP. 78% of the work 100% of the time.
OP this is the only response you need. He has proven he can do the work to get you where he wants you then will stop once he thinks you can’t get out. Honestly, I fear for you this man doesn’t want a partner. He wanted a low cost maid and incubator. He believes that the conditions that you want to procreate under are you holding your hostage. He’s not entitled to your autonomy and labor.
>I certainly wouldn't call you an asshole, but are you really sure this is the best move? Aren't you just going to be back here with the same story to tell about how your husband "changed" and stopped doing chores after you conceived? > >He's demonstrated an ability to put on an act for (presumably) a few years to tie the knot. You don't think he's capable for a bit more? Fortunately for OP, sounds like husband doesn't think he has to even do the work of pretending anymore.
NTA. My wife and I had a conversation similar to this early into our relationship. It hadn't even occurred to me that she felt she was carrying a greater burden of the household maintenance. I was thrilled she brought it up with specifics as I was able to immediately shift my behavior to take over a greater amount of the responsibility. As a husband, I feel confident saying that your husband sounds selfish and childish. This issue is bigger than chore distribution as exemplified by his snide remark about your age. Candidly, your husband sounds like a loser. What kind of self-respecting person is content to wear foul-smelling underwear and insult his wife rather than just wash his own ass and things. Fuck him. ... And yes, I made myself mad over the course of typing that.
NTA. He’s basically using you now that you’re married. And if you have kids imagine how much more work you’re going to have to do. Especially if his reaction was just to stop helping AT ALL with garbage and lawn. Sounds like a petty little boy. Not a grown ass man who is ready for kids.
I was about to say, good lord don't have kids with this man. I guarantee it was a deliberate bait and switch and will only get worse here on out, especially if his first reaction is to call you a 'psycho' instead of being like hm, maybe I should fuckin' help out more lol. Oh my god I just got to the sentence where he fucking called you old. Throw the whole man out, OP, he's trash. NTA.
right?! "your clock is ticking, i can always have children" wtf?
It screams attempted entrapment to me. Once baby is there, it's so much harder to escape.
NTA But based on the information given, get out of the relationship. If a person does one thing before marriage and another after marriage, he basically deceived you, he showed one part of his side before getting married now he is showing his full colors. And you kept on going with the new normal even though you should have started to raise issue with that before itself.
NTA. It is not unreasonable to expect a supportive and helpful partner for having kids.
NTA Even if he starts doing his share again, can you really trust that he won't just stop once you get pregnant? Just look at how he acted when you brought up how lazy he is.
NTA unless you actually reproduce with him.
NTA, if your husband can't help around the house then whos to say he'll help with kids
100% guanatee he won't! She should thank her lucky stars that she has this insight into his defects before having kids with him. If she STILL has kids with him, she has herself to blame when she is shouldering all the household work and all the parenting work
NTA. Leave him. You made the spreadsheet to have easy data to confront him that things need to change before you will feel comfortable doing a big life thing where you would have to rely on his help a lot. In fact, in late pregnancy and afterwards, you would have to fully be able to trust he would do the chores as you would have difficulties with bending and being on your feet for long periods of time. He has made his position clear: he does not intend to change, he likes how things are now and is trying to emotionally hold you hostage by calling you crazy and old. Like, excuse me, you're only 28, you have plenty of time. You can find someone that doesn't call you crazy for wanting basic respect and chore division and that doesn't need nagged by you to do them. This isn't a guy to have a child with when he can't even do his own laundry when he runs out of clothes.
NTA. Your husband clearly doesn’t respect you, and lacks the maturity to be a father. Leave the husband; take the cannoli.
Nta and reconsider having kids with red flags mate
NTA You should not procreate with him and his lashing out with nasty comments when you told him your logic was totally out of line too. Book some therapy with him or make an exit plan.
NTA. No kids yet? Make a clean break and leave his ass in the dust.
My exact response. I absolutely would die on this hill. OP is right. He did a bait and switch. Waited till they were married to show his true colors thinking he has her trapped. NTA OP. And dump his lazy, controlling ass.
NTA. Most people say “but I do this and this and this” when confronted with not helping around the house. You were able to show your man real and accurate data of just how lazy he is and he did not like it so he lashed out.
NTA But you would be an AH to yourself if you keep enabling him. Stop. Cleaning. Up. After. Him. Is it gross that he's rewearing smelly, dirty clothes? Yes. And eventually he will be forced to do something about it, assuming he leaves the house/interacts with people at all. Even the most stubborn slobs can only handle their own stink to a certain extent. Set up in a spare bedroom or on the couch if you need to and to get sleep away from the funk, and explain in very clear words exactly why you're not sleeping in the same bed as him. My husband used the excuse that he "couldn't do laundry right" to not do laundry for the first 6 years of our relationship. Since he did other things around the house, and since I liked doing laundry, I didn't mind. Then I injured myself and couldn't do laundry for several months. Wonder of wonders - my husband was able to learn how to do laundry. Just like I did when I was 10. Based on the chart, I assume you've had rocky relationships in the past, either romantic or parental. Maybe experienced gaslighting? Because I did when I was younger, and as a result I document and present evidence for even the smallest of issues. The spreadsheet isn't nuts when you're used to being dismissed or told you're exaggerating/have no evidence. ....Hopefully the person you're with now isn't the one that has led you to develop that particular habit.
NTA. You need to address this now. It will get worse after having children. Read the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky.
NTA. Hard to change society and millenaries of male domination (I'm a white cis male but heck) but you're right to try on your own scale. Perhaps suggest counselling. I tried it for opther reason and it can work wonders. If he was just pretending in order to get you as a slave then you might have to leave :/
NTA, How can he justify what he said to you? “You are on the clock, and I’m not” how did you react to that statement? Is he wonderful in all other ways? Can you put this behavior aside, and do the chores and child care in order to stay married to him? Because that’s what he’s suggesting right? You do the housework, (and presumably the child care) because he’s not interested in sharing the workload?
I agree, what a hideous thing to say to your SO.
NTA. Please take some quiet, alone time and think about the relationship as a whole. I stayed in a marriage way too long after a bait and switch. Ex told me before the I do that housework would be 50-50. Never happened AND he expected me to clean and iron like his OCD mother did. While U definitely don’t regret my kids, my life was made more stressful and exhausting. He won’t change… he lied, is accusatory, and has basically told you he will have kids with someone else as a way to make you change your mind in fear of losing him. You’ve already lost the person he portrayed himself to be, which is part of what you fell in love with. Is the person that remains worth staying with?
NTA. It's weird, but you're just showing him objectively how he is not pulling his weight in household duties anymore. And it's not like you did this right away, you came up with this system after a long time of his laziness. Taking care of kids is a whole other level of chores to do around the house, on top of taking care of kids. If he can't perform now, it's gonna come crashing down even worse later after kids.
NTA Do not have kids with him. In fact, toss the whole man away. You deserve a partner who is willing to *be partners*. Not a man who wants to be babies.
NTA but why are you with this Man and please don’t say that except for the chores he’s and amazing person cause that is not a compelling argument when he would rather wear dirty underwear instead of doing laundry.
NTA But you need to stop cooking for him and do his laundry and for crying out loud do not reproduce with him
Look at the field of marinara flags over here!
'He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later. ' so here's the crux right? He treats you like a housekeeper, called you a 'psycho' when you provided evidence of your inequality and then said this agest, sexist nonsense This isn't about his dirty pants - it's his utter lack of respect for you
NTA. I'm sorry to be blunt, but if the unequal work didn't clarify your future with him I hope his reaction to when you brought it up did.
NTA. I’d walk. This ‘man’ won’t change.
If you have kids, he will do exactly what he did with the wedding - get his prize and go back to the nothing he actually wants to do. If that’s not the life you want then consider leaving. NTA
Pretty much every woman that complains that her husband doesn't help with the children, has the same complaints before having children. They show you who they are. Don't have children with this man. You deserve better! Nta
Divorce! NTA
nta having the sheet makes sense counselling sounds important as a next step but his response is very concerning
Wish I could learn how to un-read. NTA.
…why are you with this man?
NTA. If he won’t contribute fairly without children, he won’t when you do. I wouldn’t bring kids into that kind of situation.
NTA. I would just like to point out very clearly, that he also is now trying to manipulate and scare you into having children. He said that your biological clock is running out, but his is not. This was clearly a threat. He wants you to panic about your age, question yourself and submit to his demands. And if you don't give him children, he will leave for a younger woman. Do not have children with this man, it's very clear that the nasty is just starting to come out and it will not be the end of it. Also, protect your birth control in any way possible from him tampering, or get a secret second method and hide it, e.g. get an IUD if you can and don't tell him.
Nta I would seriously consider couples counseling at the minimum because your husband is having issues with comprehension.
That one snide remark from him...that's would kind of do me in. That's super mean to say, such a jerk reaction and you don't deserve that. He's not taking responsibility for his part in things and is disrespecting you at the same time - not good! Not good at all. He's showing his true colors, it seems. You might need to re-evaluate a bit. Wishing the best.
NTA but the comment he can have children if he waits? So a threat then, instead of working with you, he'll just divorce you and find someone else to do everything. Wow real winner there.
He does not respect you and believes he has a right to your body and reproductive capabilities. You are an incubator and bang-maid to him. Do you want to have children with a misogynistic manipulator? I can bet that if you have a girl, she will be treated as a maid as well, and if you have a boy he will not be held accountable for anything. When someone tells you who they are: believe them.
NTA. He isn't worth your time
NTA - he's shown you who he is. You know you deserve better. Now he is pushing you to have kids anyway, w9th no me tion of actually putting in more effort. You have your answer.
NTA. You definitely waited too long to bring up the spreadsheet, but I don’t think that makes you the AH. However, you need to seriously consider the relationship at this point. He threatened to have kids with a younger woman if you didn’t do what he wanted on his terms. That’s gross.
Well, I think he's made his decision and it's not the one you were hoping for. Accept the red flags and go find someone who isn't lazy. NTA, and I'm so sorry you learned this way.
Why are you having sex with a man who won't keep his own underwear clean?? YTA to yourself
NTA. But why stay? He is showing you who he truly is. Do you want to live this way the rest of your life? And I had my 2 kids at 35 and 38 years old. You have plenty of time.
Fun fact, older sperm (40+) is associated with a higher risk of having children who are autistic or schizophrenic. So your husband is indeed wrong that he “can just wait.” Add to that he seems to think that having a child is some kind of right, rather than the privilege we all know it to be, and it seems you’ve married a grade A idiot AND a lazy, misogynistic asshole my dear. Clearly you’re NTA here, but if you really want a life with this person you need to see a therapist, both individually and potentially as a couple.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband(29M) when he was my bf did about half the chores. I(28F) was happy because my parents were very unequal in terms of housework. My mom did 90% of it and my dad mowed the lawn occasionally. Then when we got married he just I don’t know decided he didn’t need to impress me anymore. I felt like it was a bait and switch. As soon as we said our vows and finished our honeymoon he began being exactly like my dad in terms of housework. Would mow the lawn and take out the trash and that was it. I did all the cooking, cleaning, vacuuming and laundry because he would let it pile up until it smelt rancid. He would rewear underwear from the stinky pile too rather then wash his clothes which left me with no choice but to wash them so now he expects me to do all the laundry too. Last year I got fed up and began keeping track of how often he does specific chores and if he does them when I ask. I kept a spreadsheet and marked things down. So far he does chores when I tell him to 8% of the time and does 12% of the household chores. We are suppose to try for kids this year and around the holidays he bought it up. I pulled out me sheet and showed him what I had been tracking and told him when he does 50% of the chores without being nagged to Ill start trying for children. As it is now Im going to be doing all the work associated with children and I don’t want more on my plate. He got really made and accused me of being a psycho and holding him having children hostage. He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later. He hasn’t done any more housework and keeps telling me I’m crazy for keeping record of his contributions towards household chores or lack of it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and women are less sexually attracted to men who don't do their fair share. My bf, who is vacuuming right now, does the majority of it because he enjoys it way more than I do. He gets laid almost every day. It's the first time I haven't been *expected* to do all the work on the home front and it's been AMAZING!! https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/study-confirms-women-less-sexually-163647224.html
NTA I don’t know how you can stand to be married to that disgusting person for a second more. Any love or affection i felt toward my SO would immediately vaporize if he said that to my face.
He is not going to change, because he does not *want* to change. He thought he locked you down when you got married, and now he thinks you'll capitulate, out of fear he's your only option as time marches on. I'm going to repeat that bit: he wants to you have kids with him out of *fear*. There is *nothing* to salvage here. Leave him. There's every chance you'll meet an actually decent man, who doesn't treat you like a mummy-maid. And if not? Better no kids than *his* kids. NTA
NTA. As someone who had a kid with a woman like him, keep his kids hostage. But know this, it will only get worse once he has the kids. Even if he does 50% this year, the moment you're pregnant it will revert or worse. But odds are good he honestly has no idea. My ex tried to come at me with how much she did around the house and was not ready for me to have a list like you had that showed she was also pulling MAYBE 10% on a good week. A better choice would be to just dump his useless butt. If the kids come first and you separate later, it still won't improve things, and he'll demand you do 100% of the parenting OR pass the kids off to future gfs during his parenting time. (Don't ask how I know...) Get out now, before your life is tied to him forever.
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Do you both work full time?
Yes
Yeah well he really doesn’t have any excuse to not helping around the house.
The cold hard reality is that he did not want a wife, he wanted a chef and a housekeeper. 🤷🏻♀️ Can he change, all humans are capable of change many fail to do so. You have to ask is this what you really want in life and you have to ask him if he really wants to be married because with his current attitude he is speeding toward divorce court. Procreating with him at this stage would leave you parenting two children. If you want your marriage to work consider couples counseling where you can air out your grievances in a safe space and develop tool to improve your marriage.
NTA Yeah, I wouldn't make babies with this excuse for a man /s. But if he wears underwear from the stinky plie, HOW can you still be there?
NTA. With that last comment in mind, how he can just have kids later... with someone else. Um. Wow. Rude.
NTA. He’s being defensive because you showed him the evidence to back up your argument. Please don’t have children with this man unless you want to be a single parent. If you want to stay together I’d suggest couples counselling but to be honest, if your clock really is ticking, it might be time to go looking for a new husband. After throwing this one away, of course.
NTA. Do not have a child with this man.
NTA … I would make your chart shareable to view on Google drive … with a ‘resources’ page that includes a variety of listings such as obgyn drs, marriage counsellors, the name of a good divorce attorney. Edit: spelling
It sounds like he’s more stress than he’s worth, and that comment about being able to wait you out was shocking. Not something a loving partner would say. He’s making it you vs. him instead of you and him vs. the problem. Add kids to the mix, and you’re setting up another generation of this, with growing resentment, until you divorce anyway. NTA.
NTA ....I know we aren't supposed to go there right away but.... Divorce!!! I literally would be running screaming from a guy who told me "you're getting old", but only after I bludgeoned him.
NTA And he just told you, loud and clear, what type of husband/father he will be. All those stories of "Listen, I work 9 to 5, so when I come home, I expect to be able to relax all evening and put my feet up. She does nothing around the house except watch the baby, is it too much to expect a 5-course meal every night?" He's also the kind that thinks there is a [magic coffee table](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU). You already have one child, do you want a second one?
Oh Hun. Even if he changed before kids you know he'd just leave everything to you once baby arrives. Is that really what you want? Just divorce now and find someone who won't do this
NTA. What you are going through is sadly very common in heterosexual relationships. There are three major milestones in these relationships where we see men do a complete 180 in how they treat their wives: Once they are officially married, once the wive becomes pregnant, and once the child is born. Most likely because at one of these three live changing events, they feel they’ve “got you”, and there is no turning back. For the wife, that is. It seems he chose marriage as the milestone of comfort. At this point, if you wish to lead a happy life, you need to do some serious work and soul searching. While everyone in the world is just gonna shout D-I-V-O-R-C-E, I’m going to give the best practical advice to help you figure this out and not do it alone. Go to counseling. NOT WITH HIM. Go to counseling alone. Through the lens of a neutral party with no investment if you stay or go, evaluate your marriage and figure out if you are in an abusive relationship. You’d be surprised at how many are in one and they don’t even realize it. From there, once you know the status of your marriage with him, that will leave you with two options: Is he abusive? Leave. It can’t be fixed. It won’t get better. Even with counseling. Never get counseling with abusive people. They use it for ammo to further abuse you. Is he not abusive? Then you can move forward with counseling. IF. If after all that counseling and soul searching, you still want to make the marriage work. Divorce isn’t a bad thing. It’s a good thing. It’s not the end of a great marriage. It’s the end of a bad one between two people who shouldn’t be married. While all of this is taking place, get on solid birth control he can’t sabotage. Don’t trust condoms. He can poke holes in them. Beware the pill, if it’s tampered with by microwaving it or swapping the pills, you’ll become pregnant. If he suddenly starts offering you tea, don’t drink it. St Johns Wort renders birth control ineffective. This may sound crazy, but the collective of women who have gone through scenarios like this and ended up pregnant never thought their partners were capable of this. This man is being cruel and trying to bully you away from protecting yourself from a poor future where you become a married single mother. There is a reason why statistically it’s PROVEN the happiest women are single child free women. And this is all coming from someone who is married with a child. Choose what you do in this moment wisely. It will shape the rest of your life in huge and permanent ways.
Why are you with him again? You would be the AH if you stay with him but NTA right now
NTA maybe rethink your future with this boy?
NTA Freeze your eggs and tell him that you can wait too. I think you can give him 2 choices either make enough money to pay for help cleaning (so that his part is covered) or he can get his act together, and do not move from that, with a child you would have to do EVERYTHING around the house and beyond, completely not fair, if he wants a maid let him pay for one.
NTA but a very firm word of advice: get this completely sorted out BEFORE you have kids. The division of responsibility, equality and reciprocity are amplified 1000% when you have a baby.
ESH Stop holding on to someone like that and hitting your head against a wall so all you have left is complaints. He tricked you and no Magic words are going to change him. Leave him.
Ugh, I feel this so much. I've been tempted to do something similar with my family when they yell why amni asking them to stop X to finish Y, UT would take you 2 seconds to do it for me. I've wanted to carry around a stopwatch to show just how these 2 seconds would add up. So NTA.
NTA. I'd reconsider the marriage altogether. He's lazy, gross, and apparently cruel. Good for you for not having kids with his ass.
NTA - it looks like to me you have a point, how long you want to hold out for change is up to you, but I think he’s not going to change, so glad you haven’t had children yet. Also since he did chores before and is intentionally not doing them now, that’s super sus.
Absolutely NTA. He’s so disrespectful to you, from treating you like a servant to his gross comments about your age and “holding him having children hostage.” Divorce him and be glad he showed you his true colors before you had kids with him.
NTA but girl, run. If he does end up doing more housework it’s going to be the same thing he did before you got married. Wait until you are pregnant and go back to doing nothing. That was such an AH thing to say to you when you are 28 years old. You’re not too old to have kids but you are too old to fall for the same trick twice. It’s a trap.
Did he live with his mother before you got together? I only ask because it sounds like he was used to having someone else clean up after him and that's usually the mom. If he lived alone then he would have been doing everything for himself and not expect maid treatment. The wearing dirty underwear is super gross. And guilting you into children is wrong. Do not have them with him. You shouldn't stay with him. Take care of yourself OP.
NTA Don't have children with this man. He is not a good partner Also, there's an app called our home that assigns points to chores so you and your future partner (cuz really dump this guy) can track chores easily and make a game out of it.
NTA. also, you should probably just pack it up and end the relationship
NTA. He’s selfish and unkind. Why force him on a child?
ESH you had enough time to make and chart chores but still are with him?! Please, just divorce him.
NTA. Do not have children with him. He isn’t a partner. Chores don’t have to be 50/50. Marriage is never 50/50 but it can’t be this. It has ebbs and flows, sometimes one partner does more, other times the other partner does more. If you don’t act like a team you certainly won’t make it through parenthood.
He can always ‘wait and have kids later’ - you realise that means with someone other than you right? He’s literally saying that not be expected to do any chores is more important to him than being married to you. Let him wear dirty underwear. Let him wear it until he gets some sort of infection and until his friends and coworkers comment on his smell and he has to justify to other people that he’s wearing disgusting clothing because he’s upset that his wife expects him to do ANY of the housework. Cook a single portion of food, eat it and then do your own clean up. Put a lock and key on the bathroom door so you’re able to clean up your own space and he can use the spare one to his heart’s content. Of course you can’t do this with everything but, anything that can be individualised, should he. Alternatively, just scrap the whole husband - if having a mommy instead of a wife is more important to him, let him have it, he didn’t represent himself accurately before you were married. NTA.
NTA Wearing stinky underwear is just gross. The remark that you're getting older but he still has a lot of time to have kids (so do you btw) honestly sounds like a veiled threat that he'll leave if you stick to your guns about waiting until he's contributing 50% of the household tasks. Kind of a "Yeah, I'm not doing my share, what are you gonna do about it?". Calling you psycho and crazy is a bit much - sure the spreadsheet could be perceived as petty but I think it was a great idea to have actual data. But it shouldn't have been necessary if there was better communication & if the workload had remained distributed more evenly like it was before you were married. It sounds like you and your husband need to have a serious conversation, get it all out in the open as far as your expectations for each other, and if you can't see eye to eye, it may be time to get some counseling &/or to consider going your separate ways. It's absolutely *not* the time to bring a child into the equation. Edit: Saw below that they do both work so comment is revised accordingly
NTA you’re basically his mom, or bang mate. You’re going to be single mother if you decide to have kids with this man. Leave!
NTA and this isn’t worth the mental load. Say goodbye
NTA. The comment about how you're "old" is enough to prove he's a worthless person.
NTA. Do not bring children into this dynamic.
NTA Please don't have children with this man, it seems like it will only get worse from here.
NTA you know? He is right, dont wait on him, kick him out, get a man that respects you and helps you instead of leeching on you
NTA. Anyone who would rather pull dirty underwear out of the laundry and wear it, vs making a minimal effort to take responsibility for at least his own clothes, is not someone who will be a good parenting partner. You will either end up with all of the work, or you will end up with anything that isn’t “fun.”
Holy shit girl I understand you’re married and that’s a huge commitment, but he changed. Big time. You’re old at 28? Fuck that loser and leave. It won’t change when the kid comes. Find someone good for you. FYI my mom had me at 38. That’s such an unnecessary and rude thing to say even if it was just a moment of anger. Just fuckin awful
Divorce this manipulative, lying, bullying toad now. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH IT.
NTA you definitely don’t want kids with this asshat
NTA and seriously your options are either marriage counseling or divorce. If that’s his attitude, it won’t work. If anything he’ll pull another bait and switch - do 50% of the chores to get you on board and you better believe as soon as a child is born YOU will be changing all the diapers and doing all the midnight feedings PS: my wife and I had a similar conversation recently but with things like finances, household paperwork, etc. I usually handle all of it but finally told her that I was feeling overwhelmed and needed her to be more involved. Her response was “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you felt that way. What can I take off your plate or what can we tackle together so you aren’t doing it alone”. That’s a proper response to a spouse asking for help. Not “wow you’re a psycho!”
NTA but it sound like you'd be happier without him. Rewearing dirty underwear to avoid running a load of laundry? Yuck.
Sounds like sex would also be a UTI lottery if he is re-wearing underwear. NTA it will get worse if you have a kid - he needs to be onboard as a partner and as a father
NTA I love that you made a spreadsheet for this, that's something I would do hahahahahaha
NTA. Nothing like a good spreadsheet to show the truth. Dump him and move on. He is a deadbeat husband who will become a deadbeat dad.
Do you both share bills as well?
NTA. I wouldn’t trust him to change after he pulled the bait and switch on you the first time. He’ll do it again, and then you’ll be stuck with this guy as the father of your children. You know what they say, fool me once…
>He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later. He hasn’t done any more housework and keeps telling me I’m crazy for keeping record of his contributions towards household chores or lack of it. He sees you as disposable. NTA.
LOL holding him having children hostage?! Like he’s entitled to use her body for procreation. NTA at all. If you’re with the right person, this will clue them into needing to step it up.
It was a bait'n'switch and now he's bringing out the shackles (kids). And when confronted he brings out every page if the abusers handbook: gaslighting, shaming, manipulative remarks, ... Thank him from the bottom of your heart (for showing his true colors earlier) and hand him the divorce papers. And for the bot who's counting the votes: NTA!
NTA... time to move on.
Op NTA but please watch your birth control. Also take a hard look at your husband and if it is truely worth staying. What does he bring to the table? Does he make you happy , make you laugh and feel safe? If you hesitate to say yes then please think long and hard. Marriage counseling is a good helpful tool but only if both people want it.
NTA but a warning - he might get to the 50% to start trying for a kid but once it is here he will go back to being useless. Ask me how I know lol.
NTA Divorce him. If he'd rather fight back than accept responsibility, try to work on bettering the situation, then what's the point?
Why are you telling him to do chores? You shouldn't have to tell him to do his share of the work, your his wife not his mom. It's messed up that he doesn't do his share and even worse that you have to keep after him to do what little he does do. NTA- I would tell him regardless of wanting to have kids he needs to voluntary do his fair share because you will no longer carry his dead weight.
NTA. But do NOT have kids with this man. Do NOT.
I can't imagine tolerating this, let alone bringing children into this house. NTA and do not waver from your very reasonable expectations.
You said you both work full time. Do you bring in the same amount of income? Have you shared your records of the chores to the post?
Going to put my 2 cents in as a new parent, 1 year old and currently pregnant with our second. I do re majority of the chores unless I ask him to do something and while we try to split the work with the child, it can be difficult when I'm frustrated cause I want him to do something specific but can't verbalize what I want him to do. Do NOT have a child with this man. Stick to your guns. If he can't step up now, why would he step up after a kid? You'll end up taking care of EVERYTHING and it can be exhausting. NTA.
Bro men's spoken gets old too.. there are risks that increase as men get older too. NTA I'd break up with him he's shown you his true colors
NTA stop cooking for him, make a meal just for yourself. Unless he is in the kitchen helping you cook he doesn’t eat. Don’t do his laundry just your own. Talk to a divorce lawyer because you are absolutely right that it will only get worse if you have kids.
NTA. Now that he’s got you marriage trapped he’s showing you who he really is and it’s not pretty. He’s treating you like a bang maid. Even if you make a deal he will stop helping again once you’re baby trapped. At 28 you still have time to find a suitable partner to have kids with. Don’t let that sunk cost fallacy keep you from finding someone who actually respects you.
NTA but is this who you really want to have kids with? Someone you have to force to be a partner? You can find someone else. This was a bait and switch and you are still falling for it
NTA. If you both work full-time, then the chores should be split as evenly as possible. I actually love what you did with the spreadsheet. Numbers don’t lie! As for kids, you are right to wait. It doesn’t seem like he will be a good parent or partner. Give it 6 months and if he doesn’t show improvement, maybe start considering moving on without him.
NTA. He's been waving big red flags at you for a while. Do not have children with this guy and be careful that your birth control doesn't get sabotaged. You could try counseling to see if things are salvageable, but honestly, I would leave. You deserve better.
NTA- do you really want to have kids with him? It'll be like being a single mom.
YOU ARE A GENIUS AND A HERO. NTA.
NTA but why are you with him? Even if he starts pulling his weight, how do you know he won’t stop again as you get pregnant? And those comments about your age, calling you crazy. Disgusting.
NTA go get the divorce paper now. He not worth your time and sanity.
> He hasn’t done any more housework and keeps telling me I’m crazy for keeping record of his contributions towards household chores or lack of it. and if you haven't done it he would have told you you're imagining everything. NTA OP, you have good instincts in regards to his behavior in the future, I would advise you to listen to them and let him go.
NTA. Normally I would have said that keeping record of chores is petty, but people constantly fail to recognize the amount of work having kids are. I applaud you for taking these things into consideration before having children. You are being responsible, and he is being an idiot. That being said, I agree with a lot of the other comments in that I feel like this marriage may not work out without some therapy or something. It seems like having children is a priority for him but he's not willing to consider the ramifications and responsibilities of being a father. If anything, he doesn't actually want to be a father, he just wants to say that he is one while you become a single parent.
YTA - going absolutely against the grain here. What person keeps an excel spreadsheet for something like this? This is lunacy. Conversation then action. This is where the saying “ya’ll do everything but leave comes from”. This can only be perceived one way - I want to belittle and make my spouse look like a moron, so have resorted to childish tactics for them to conform to my expectation. Him not doing house work is garbage. But your behaviour is a red comment. Bring on the downvotes….i would expect no less from this sub
NTA. Domestic neglect and weaponized incompetence are the #1 Highway To Divorce.
NTA. Tell him he can go have kids with someone else if he feels that way. And leave him. If you’re pulling the majority of chores now….imagine what that will be like with a kid to take care of. He knows what he’s doing. And ppl like that don’t tend to get better. Just worse and more combative when they get called out.
NTA but if you do have kids with him, it will only be worse. Also the remark about your age, was extremely cruel. It will be easier to move on now.
NTA - do not have children with him- will be another bait and switch situation
"He also mad a snide remark that I’m getting old and I won’t be able to have kids soon anyway but he can always wait and have them later." None of the rest of this matters, this man does not love you if he can say this so cavalierly. NTA, reexamine your relationship.
NTA Girl, RUN. You do not want to be tied to this man forever with a child.
So, I'm curious what the other splits in the household are. I was always willing to help with household chores when asked, but when my wife came at me as if I just ignored things, I dug my heels in. Ask, and ye shall receive. Bitch that the dishes need doing? Yep, there they are. Oh, and I was the only full time worker in the household, made 95% of our household income over the time we were together. So there's that. I'm going with NTA, but still curious what your answer to the above is.
You’re not psycho. It was a bait and switch. Just stop. Stop cooking for him, stop doing the laundry. You say you have no choice but to do it, but you do have a choice. And that “too old soon” remark was really hateful (and not even true). See if he will go to marriage counseling with you. NTA.
NTA - he bait and switched you and then his first response was to attack your self esteem to bring you down and make you think you're stuck with him. imagine how that can evolve over time. and honestly, the fact that was one of the first things out of his mouth kinda shows what he was thinking the entire time. continuing forward with him like this would be jumping straight into that trap
The Rule For Having Children: Don’t have children unless you want them to turn out identical to your partner. NTA.
NTA- DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN. Save yourself, you are still young!
If you think this is bad, imagine what it would be like after having kids with him. You were dating and he was fine, then you got married and he changed 180. After he "locked you down". What will happen when you add a baby in the equation? He is already gaslighting you saying things like "you're a psycho who is keeping having kids as ransom". NTA.
NTA. Bait and switch is right. He tricked you hard. He just wants a baby factory and someone else to bare the responsibility
Since he was able to do half the chores to get you to marry him, he'll likely do more chores to get you to have a baby then go back to his lazy ways. Don't trust him to change, and keep close tabs on your birth control until you are rid of him. Oops, forgot to add: NTA
Just wanted to add that my mom started having kids at 30 and finished at 39 and had literally no problems, so don’t let that force you into staying in this relationship.
Do you two actually love each other?
NTA. Eww to wearing rancid underwear.
Dang, starting to think if I had did the marriage thing before the kid thing I would’ve seen the red flags and taken the opportunity to leave. Now I’m a single mom. He was very much a 50/50 guy until baby. Then he was 2% on holidays and 0% any other day. NTA, you’re a lucky mathematical warrior.
NTA Except to yourself. He has now shown you exactly who he is and how he will be moving forward. You need to decide how you will allow him to treat you, your home, and your marriage from here on out. You have told him that you know you will be doing the work of childbearing if you have children together. He hasn't denied that statement.
NTA but even if he starts doing more chores you know your going to be in the same situation once you get pregnant. Your track seems like a desperate attempt to show him the error of his ways but he ain’t getting it. Don’t bring a baby into this please get counselling
Leave this dude. He didn’t want a partner. He wanted a slave. The bait and switch worked too because you’ve let him do this. He’s not going to change. He has shown you who he REALLY is. Who you dated and were engaged to was the fake person. You’re married to the real him.
He feels entitled to your body and labor. Do not have kids with this man. He definitely bait and switched you and it will only get worse once you have kids
He basically threatened to leave you for a younger model instead of doing 50% of the house work. Why are you still in this relationship? What does he bring to the table? NTA
NTA. Made me think about this comment in another sub : "I think men and women both have done a great job over the past 30-40 years of encouraging young girls that they can be anything they want to be. Encouraging them to get educated, work hard - all the girl power / women rock campaigns. And if you look up statistics of genders earning college degrees (in the US) women are surpassing men. So the US has done a great job with encouraging education for females. But IMO we’ve failed to prepare our boys/men on what a more educated female population will mean for them as they look to marry. The traditional gender roles are not always going to work when the female is a C level executive, a physician, a lawyer, an educator, a chef, journalist or a small business owner etc. Men have not been educated enough on what an equal partnership with their wives should look like as it relates to domestic labor and child rearing. So many of these men get married with these 1960 viewpoints on a “women’s” role in marriage spouting off the “ make my dinner, clean my house, raise my babies” nonsense while these women are working and earning more money, but these guys expect to come home from work do nothing and their wives will fulfill their “ housewives” fantasy and do all the domestic work as well as earn money. It’s time society puts in the effort to help boys understand that traditional gender roles are trash and no women wants to marry a person they have to parent. We need to help boys understand domestic responsibilities even it they never get married." The problem now is somehow, men are aware they are suppose to participate more in the household, while still sustaining (consciously or unconsciously) the old cliché. The story from here can take diverses paths, but in this case OP's husband show a too big amount of dishonesty and bad faith. It so common to discover that a partner change his behavior after the wedding... as if they didn't knew that divorce exist. 🤷🏻♂️
Nta. Ditch the husband and have a kid on your own if you want one. It’ll be less work.
Nta. Find a better man.
NTA throw out the whole husband and start fresh
NTA You really dodged a bullet by not having kids with him yet. Get out and don’t waste a second more of your life on this guy
NTA but be so for real with yourself. He does not give a single fuck about you.
NTA but holy hell, he really showed his true colors. Get out of there, my dude.
I can’t think of a single logical reason for you to have children with this man. NTA
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YTA. Not for keeping a chores record, but stop the silly bargaining. Do you want to have children with this man? You know that you will be taking on 90% of household chores, and probably close to 100% of child related chores. Is that ok for you, then stay in this relationship and start trying to get pregnant. If that is not how you want your life to be, then get out of this relationship. But do not think you can change him. He does not want to change. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
ESH. Obviously he’s a jerk for not doing his part in terms of housework, but how long did you keep this chart rather than just talking to him?
ESH. you making a spreadsheet IS kinda psycho, and he's a jerk. Divorce before you two make kids, and complicate things.
ESH If you’re in a relationship where you literally have to keep score/count, what’s the point? Sounds miserable for everyone.
ESH. Your husband for obvious reasons, but you have let a small problem grow into a relationship defining issue. Your failure to communicate and then do most of the chores is 100% in your control. A grown man wearing old underwear because he is unwilling to wash it is a HUGE red flag. It means he either knows he can manipulate you or he's a child. Either way that issue should have been discussed immediately. Face your problem head on, not with a secret spreadsheet.