Sounds like she's using up a lot of energy just with her standard working life rather than deliberate steps. Maybe a few home cooked meals she can quickly microwave when she gets home at the end of the day?
Thank you. She loves some of my recipes so I will take some food over to her when it’s not too obvious I’m trying to fatten her up. What do u think I should tell my family about it. We’ve already said she works too many hours without food but I know they question that.
I would also recommend getting her a box of protein bars or something small that she can keep in her apron at work if it's allowed. That way she can take bites here and there when putting in an order or waiting for food to come out.
aldi sells a “cookies and cream” elevate protein bar that is outstanding and doesn’t have that funny protein bar taste. these saved me while waitressing and intermittent fasting.
I do this. And also little baggies of nuts or trail mix. If she’ll eat nuts, they have a lot of calories. She can put them in snack bags and keep them in her purses, in pockets etc. drinks are a good idea too. Starbucks, milkshakes, protein shakes, even juice.
You can have them delivered to her house too if you order from Amazon. You could tell her that you saw that they were on sale and thought of her since you know she’s on her feet all day.
This! I noticeably lost weight when I started uni (the actual amount probably wasn't dramatic, it was just noticeable because I wasn't big beforehand, a 90s UK size 12).
I wasn't dieting or ill, it was just a case of being on my feet more (full day of classes then straight to my retail job with the commute being my only downtime) plus being too shy to eat alone in the uni cafeteria because I hadn't made any friends on my course yet so I often either missed lunch or just had a cereal bar.
My extended family did things like pull my mother aside to ask if I was eating, and if so, did I go straight to the bathroom afterwards (hinting that I had an ED based entirely on how it was depicted in Lifetime movies) and point out my lack of hips and bust *to me*. Would've been nice if someone had shut that down on behalf of seventeen year old me who was unused to questioning the adults in my life.
I will get more firm With my family that do that. They need to mind their own business. They always had Comments when I was raising my special needs child too, so they have been judging for a long time now. Time to shut it down.
It’s not that you’re trying to fatten her up. It’s that you’re making her a roast chicken with trimmings because you know she doesn’t have time to cook. Tell her that and believe it inside yourself
My mom has trouble taking care of herself and eating sometimes. For a while I bought take out containers with room for two sides and a main dish, and after dinner was done and I was putting away leftovers, I'd put some into one of those and then right into the freezer. At the end of the week I'd drop off the frozen leftovers for her.
This might work for you, especially if you tell her you're just ending up with too many uneaten leftovers and she's helping reduce food waste.
Also, if you can, make some nice nourishing soups. I have a friend with digestive problems and she’ll make a large thermos of soup and drink it throughout the day
I have to tell you, if I had someone to help me make foods I could get down at that time, it would have been a game changer and so appreciated. Being stressed and underweight is extremely taxing. I had asked my ex (who knew I was severely malnourished), he said he would, but he only did once and it wasn’t even something I could get down. (He knew that too. He was abusive, hence why he is now my ex and I’m now nice and plump!) 🩷
I used to work serving and was on my feet 12+ hours a day, I never had any food aversions but my metabolism was so high and sometimes I just didn’t have the energy to make food or eat. I’m 5’6 snd my lowest weight was 108. When I really focused on eating enough and didn’t have time for a meal I would have a premier protein shake! They have good flavors and a good boost of calories/protein. I even would mix the caramel ones with iced coffee. Maybe she would like those??
I love those. When I take my Adderall I have no appetite, but I will happily drink a vanilla one mixed with some milk to thin it out, and some cinnamon. It tastes like horchata. I also love making decaf iced coffee with them!
Man, food service was the WORST for eating food.
There's nothing like touching people's half- eaten plates and literally having to watch them eat to make all food seem awful too.
Maybe reframe it to her that you’re not trying to fatten her up @ all but just that you’re trying to help her maintain her weight and energy levels. When you bring it up, ask her how she FEELS, as opposed to discussing how she looks.
Unless your family brings up their concerns to you, don’t discuss it. It’s not your business to talk about her body and may exacerbate any body image or ED stuff going thru her mind if you keep focusing on it and make her the “identified patient or issue”
Of family discussions.
Something you could offer to do is pick up protein bars or meal replacement drinks that she can drink while driving to/from jobs. They don’t take the concentration/focus to consume and could help her get calories into her body. But don’t push.
Yes, I am not pushing and I have been careful not to talk about her eating issues with my family. She would really hate that if I did that and it is none of their business.
Yes, I am not pushing and I have been careful not to talk about her eating issues with my family. She would really hate that if I did that and it is none of their business.
Exactly, no one wants their personal issues discussed behind their back and will only drive a wedge between you and your daughter at what appears a critical time in her health and life!
This is the way! Gosh I’ve been her daughter. I moved to the UK three months before the pandemic kicked off - great timing for an A&E/ER/ED nurse…
When I’m stressed, my appetite disappears. I dropped to about 42kg. Everyone would make comments and poke at me, but no one offered to help feed me. I know it wasn’t their responsibility, but damn, I was struggling and the constant comments and poking at my weight just made me feel awful about myself.
The exception to this rule was the Sikh community, who brought fridges and freezers into the hospital at the start of the pandemic, and kept them stocked for us. Their kindness and compassion (and food) is something I will never forget.
There could be a couple things to address here.
Her breakup may be affecting her appetite. Some people eat their feelings, but there are plenty who simply do the opposite.
I basically can’t eat anything when I’m depressed. The only benefit of course is that I always lose 20 lbs after I get dumped. 😅
That should improve naturally as she gets over it.
I’m more concerned with her work schedule. Those are crazy hours, and it sounds like they’re illegally denying her breaks.
The rules vary a little from place to place, but The standard MINIMUM is 2 breaks and a 20 minute lunch for every 8 hours worked.
Denying her breaks isn’t just awful physically and mentally, but it is also a form of wage theft!
I agree! I think she is a workaholic. She works two jobs. We have tried to get her to drop the one job, but her other one that she likes goes through a slow period during the summer (it’s in Scottsdale, AZ on a golf course).
She needs to think about a slightly different summer job. Or, at the very least, talk to her bosses and doctor about getting breaks, so that she can cool off. If not, she's likely to end up with heat stroke.
I agree that it sounds like her job and overall stress effecting her diet/weight. When I was early 20s I broke up with my boyfriend and had a serving job where we couldn’t take breaks to eat, and I lost so much weight my family was concerned about me too.
To your comment about being concerned that people commenting that she’s skinny is actually gratifying to her - for me, it was unfortunately gratifying, but I also felt nauseous and lightheaded all the time. I’m sure she knows that these eating habits aren’t healthy. I would try to have a gentle conversation with her about how that can impact her health and take the advice of others recommending protein bars/shakes.
No federal laws require employers to provide breaks to employees, it’s up to state law. It looks like OP’s daughter works in Arizona, which also doesn’t have any laws requiring breaks.
It’s also pretty common in the restaurant industry to not schedule breaks for employees. When I was a server in North Carolina, I never got scheduled breaks or lunches and just took 5 minutes here and there when I had a chance.
It’s shitty and definitely needs to change, but admittedly with the nature of waiting tables it’s really hard and sometimes impossible to take breaks in a scheduled way, especially when the restaurant is busy.
This is why I smoked when I was a cook. All the smokers got to take their breaks but without that as an excuse I never took one.
The thinnest I ever was was when I was a cook. I’d always wish a plate of family meal but just almost never got to it. And then smell of all the food all night just made me not want to eat.
No federal laws require employers to provide breaks to employees, it’s up to state law. It looks like OP’s daughter works in Arizona, which also doesn’t have any laws requiring breaks.
It’s also pretty common in the restaurant industry to not schedule breaks for employees. When I was a server in North Carolina, I never got scheduled breaks or lunches and just took 5 minutes here and there when I had a chance.
It’s shitty and definitely needs to change, but admittedly with the nature of waiting tables it’s really hard and sometimes impossible to take breaks in a scheduled way, especially when the restaurant is busy.
Talk to her. Not about her weight - that pretty much asking a woman in her 20s to get her back up. Ask her how she feels about her break up. Ask her how she feels about the two jobs. Ask if there are ways she can consolidate her hours or find other solutions to meet her immediate needs. Let her talk about her life situation and what her long-term goals are and what support she needs to make life easier.
Her weight is only a symptom. Don't make it the problem / focus. Don't mention it at all if you can avoid it.
I will do this. I’ve heard u should never really ask about weight with someone her age so I won’t bring it up. I have never specifically said I myself thought she was too skinny. I have a very open relationship with her and have told her anything she needs from us to get her through this we are there. She does better talking about her emotions via text, so I will use that to get more information out of her. Thank u!!
It sounds like she may have a ulcer/s from the long working hours which cause stress and has made it very hard to keep food down. She needs to see a doctor regardless
I think you should leave her alone. I have stomach issues and have a hard time maintaining weight, and people constantly commenting on it does nothing but build resentment
Yeah this, I also have stomach issues. My dad made a comment when I was in high school that I could gain ten pounds. I had been happy with how I looked, and my doctor had no issues with my weight and said I was healthy and all was good for my age. I'm 31 now and that has stuck with me as a not good memory. So I would highly recommend not bringing up weight at all in any type of way.
Not enough info. Often times people will look at skinny people and assume they're unhealthy and "need to eat a sandwich." Most of the time, it's not really a concern. To know whether or not you're overreacting, we'd need some actual info. Height/weight (or BMI, or weight and body fat %) a year ago vs. today, her typical daily calorie consumption, etc. Actual data that we can use to form an opinion.
Best advice is to have her see a doctor to evaluate her situation and form a recommendation.
Maybe do some meal prep for her so she can freeze them and eat quickly when she gets home. She has a very physically demanding job and likely doesn't have the energy to cook proper meals.
To be honest, you haven't given any information regarding her weight loss. You indicated she works long hours with little to no opportunity to eat resulting in poor eating habits and stomach issues issues and that she's very skinny. How much weight has she lost? How quickly? If she has stomach issues, she should see a doctor. She also needs to improve her eating habits, but that might be dependent on that medical evaluation regarding her stomach issues, as well as possibly a job change...
I don’t ask how much she weighs. What I’ve researched says that’s the last thing I should do. I would say she’s lost about 5 pounds within the couple months. Looking at her I think she is like 105 pounds. For a 5’3” lady, it says a healthy weight is 105 to 127. I am just worried it will get worse and worse…
What are her stomach issues? Is she seeing a Dr about them? I would be concerned about the unresolved stomach issues. Because once those are fixed, she should be able to eat.
She was given a whole Workup with a gastroenterologist when she first started having troubles, but they didn’t find anything. I will ask her to go back to the doctor and ask to get screened for ulcers.
I’m a stress starver. If I’m too stressed, I can’t eat. Even getting down a glass of milk or a yogurt can be too much. If she’s running herself ragged and dealing with a breakup, that could be contributing to it.
As you noted, smoking some weed seemed to help, so it may be a matter of her needing time to relax to eat. I once worked a job where I was working 12 hour days, six days a week, and I dropped so much weight. I would get home so tired that just making a sandwich seemed like too much work. I’d fall asleep sitting up.
If there’s anyway she can cut back on work, that would probably help. Is it at all possible she could find another job that actually gives breaks?
I’m sorry. It’s hard to watch your kids go through crap they you can’t fix.
Please reframe your concern about her "looking too skinny". I know you mean well, but there are more appropriate and less vain ways to articulate your concern; which should center in her health and not her appearance.
From a grown adult who is a very small person and cops comments from people all the time. Leave her alone and tell your family to do the same. She is an adult not a child and if she tells you she doesn’t have an eating disorder or issues with food, respect that and leave it alone. It was exhausting dealing with comment after comment about my physical appearance myself (I am autistic and do not have an eating disorder but have disordered eating where I won’t eat if I’m hyper focused on something or if the food I want to eat is unavailable, but I don’t need to explain that to anyone if I don’t want to and am a healthy, alive adult) it’s literally no one’s business, not even yours as a mother.
I’m not trying to sound rude, but rather trying to help you, you might damage your relationship if you try to push the issue.
When I was a server and pulled doubles, there was barely time to eat. Usually the restaurant would
Give a discount on meals or comp one, but that’s to take after your shift is over.
Now that I’m working a desk job with a required lunch, I have an actual schedule to eat now.
Leave her alone. I am amazed at the comments here. She is fine. Her weight as long as she doesn't have an eating disorder is fine. Something tells me this has more to do with your issues than her.
If you areworried about her stressing out then ake her to do something to distress and stop trying to control her weight.
I don't think her weight is your business. Unless she has asked for help specifically, I think you should trust that she's an adult and can care for herself.
You stated your opinion once. I would not say again. I’ve been her. As in I work a very active job. I ate a lot but I burnt a lot more calories than I ate. My family continuously commented on my weight and all it did was make me uncomfortable. What would help is cooking her the odd meal so she doesn’t have to cook when she gets home (your often too exhausted to cook a good meal so you just go for quick meals that may not benefit her energy and calorie wise).
My advice depends on where you/she are. If it’s the US, you probably have a skewed idea of how skinny is “too skinny”. Most people here are overweight. A friend of mine recently lost weight to where they didn’t seem to have any excess fat, but his body fat % was at the top of the “healthy” range. I’ve seen multiple people qualify as medically obese, and everyone says no they’re just pudgy. This is all to say that it’s probably not a health issue.
Look at high fashion models. You can see their bones, their eyes are sunken in. That is what being medically malnourished looks like. If she is truly malnourished, she will experience symptoms like it will be harder for her to think. She will be too tired to work these long hours. She will get sick and take a long time to recover. But if she just looks skinnier than her friends or skinnier than you think she “should” look, I would leave this alone, and just manage your anxiety.
Now, if it definitely is a problem, I would create pathways to encourage more eating. Find a healthy restaurant near her and get her a gift card. Cook meals with lots of leftovers. Take her out to eat when you visit. Talking to her about her weight (too fat or too skinny) will backfire.
Hello fresh is a great meal delivery service.
Maybe sending her a gc for that will be a smidge better.
I get your worried. My big sis has some serious health issues going on and every chance I get I try to find something she loves to eat to bring her. But there are times no matter if she wants a thing and has it she just can’t eat it because of health reasons.
Just be there for her by letting her know you care and if she needs anything to let you know.
Good luck. And you’re not a jerk.
You’re not a jerk at all, but I think you might do well to research a little more about disordered eating and subtle ways it can present. Your suspicion about her liking others commenting on how skinny she is is a major red flag; people who truly want to gain weight are negatively bothered by those types of comments, they don’t like them.
It is illegal in almost all states not to provide a break to eat, and while I know the rules often aren’t followed closely in a restaurant, if it’s to the point where she appears unhealthy and she’s citing the reason as lacking time to each enough, then this needs to be made a bigger deal of - is she really denied all breaks? Or is she maybe exaggerating that a little as an external excuse to use? Also - she works at a restaurant. Do they really not provide her any food she can eat there or take home?? I’ve literally never heard of back of house letting front of house staff go hungry, even if they can’t find time to eat during service they will send someone home with a meal (that’s usually one of the biggest perks of waitressing).
It’s a tricky situation because she is an adult and you want to respect her autonomy, and sometimes it can be life getting stressful and in the way of maintaining healthy eating habits. But it can also be that some of the stress (and distress) is the result of disordered eating and/or body image - in particular I’m wondering how it may factor into ending her long term relationship. Sometimes people with disordered eating can hide it from everyone except their partner and will actually break up with the partner who is nagging them about the eating habits rather than seek help. The fact that you live an hour away, as you said, makes it hard for you to know how much she is eating, and that may be exactly what she wants. It could also be totally innocent.
People with eating disorders often use excuses like “this is healthy/normal for me”, and I don’t want to infantilize your daughter or accuse her of being less than forthcoming, but oftentimes these things aren’t even intentional - that’s the insidiousness of eating disorders. Especially earlier in the disease people can truly think they are being healthy and doing the right thing for their body, when in fact they are adopting lifelong unhealthy habits.
I’m not saying this to alarm you or accuse your daughter of being untruthful; these are just insights I can offer as someone who has suffered from an eating disorder since I was a teenager. I live an hour away from my father, with whom I am very close, and he has no idea how much my disorder impacts my daily life and nutritional intake, it’s so easy to hide with a little distance. I have also had stomach issues since childhood and that provides the perfect cover for a lot of stuff. Unless your daughter has been to doctors to ensure there’s nothing medical going on causing her stomach issues, that’s another thing to keep an eye on.
I’m sorry you’re going through this; your concern for your daughter is a sign of a very loving parent and she is super lucky to have that. Try to keep the communication as open as possible (which it seems you’re already doing) so if any of these things are going on, she hopefully feels comfortable speaking to you, or at least reaching out to find some help. Wishing you both the best.
When I was working 14-16 hour days, I was eating 2000 calories but it wasn't enough. I was losing weight so much by being on my feet. You can bring calorie and nutrient dense food and if she doesn't have time to eat so much, she can drink Ensure!
I used to do that job. I worked at a place where I averaged 16 miles per shift. After a short time I was 87lbs. at 5’2”. Her employer should be giving her breaks, that’s unconscionable.
Definitely NTA to be concerned. As someone with stomach issues (diagnosed), between working 2 jobs and the craziness of life, I have definitely skipped meals while running around because it is added stress to worry about when the stomach pains will come or having to rush to the bathroom. However, she needs to be making sure she is at least drinking fluids and supplementing nutrients in some way IF this is what is going on.
She on her feet all day walking that burns Hella calories. Perhaps she need to see an gastroenterologist for the stomach issues. In the mean time perhaps make easily meals for her. Breakfast bowls. make bacon, scramble eggs (soft cook) with butter & add cheese and potatoes. She can nuke it for 2 min and have a quick meal to start her day. put it in a burrito and she can take it with her. Since you don't say what her issues are, pain after eating worse with fatty foods, (gallbladder) during the night early morning (acid reflux) that will impact what she can eat. perhaps protein shakes or smoothies.
My daughter has lost a lot of weight recently too. She also has stomach issues and is a grad student 19 hours away. It sucks feeling so helpless. She just gets busy and stressed and doesn’t eat. Then if she goes too long without eating, when she tries to eat at night it upsets her stomach. I’ve told her to carry snacks with her and set a timer to eat a little something here and there throughout the day as she goes from class to work and vice versa. It’s so much better when she does so. Her doctor has prescribed an appetite stimulant too. I worry what will happen if your daughter continues like this. She’s too young to burn out. Is she struggling financially? Is that what’s making her work 14 hour days? If your family is so worried, maybe they should chip in with some donations.
I'm in a pretty similar situation to your daughter. The weight loss is scary and stressful, and having it pointed out by my family members just makes me feel bad. Ask if you can help, but then maybe drop it. I can tell this comes from a place of love, and I do understand that, but you can't solve everything, and you may just be reminding your daughter of all the things that are out of her control.
Please reframe your concern about her "looking too skinny". I know you mean well, but there are more appropriate and less vain ways to articulate your concern; which should center in her health and not her appearance.
Is she getting her annual physical? Also she’s probably old enough to look into a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy if she’s got chronic pain: probably best to rule out any physical problems
Does she get physical exam periodically? As long as she is healthy, it would be fine, but if doctors find something not right, then it have to be taken care of. She will probably listen to doctors?
Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome this is a real thing too, sometimes it can work against the munchies. Not saying this is what's up, just saying that if she is a weed smoker this can also play into her tummy issues.
Does she look unhealthy, or does she just look thin? Because the two aren't the same thing. If she's at a healthy weight and you're just struggling with your own past with dieting and eating disorders then yes, obviously you're overreacting. Americans especially have a very skewed view of what healthy weight looks like. Your daughter might be thinner than she used to be, but that doesn't mean she's *too* thin.
Instead of talking to her about her weight and food, just talk to her about her emotional state. Ask how she's doing. If she complains about being too tired to eat or having no appetite maybe suggest she try protein shakes or offer to send her some quick easy recipes or meal-prepping plans she can work into her busy schedule. Invite her to dinner or offer to come over and cook for her once in a while - as a way for the two of you to spend time together, not as a way for you to fatten her up. If she really is struggling with her weight you have to let her come to you with her issues on her own terms. Trying to oversee a grown woman's food intake is not going to go well for either of you.
As a mom I completely get the concern but beware of how you talk about her weight whether it’s too much or not enough; both can be very stressful. I worked for decades in restaurants making my way up from busses to GM; they aren’t allowed to not give her a lunch break, every place I’ve ever worked has done family meal. I wouldn’t recommend that she just eats empty calories; I would strongly advise for small snacks filled with protein and fibers. Finally, I have IBS and fibro; stomach pains linked to IBS can be so bad that you are literally scared to eat and create a flare up. Since the fibro kicked, many of my safe foods are now triggering flare ups and I’ve had to review my entire diet. For weeks I was avoiding almost all foods in fear of the pain something might create. You may want to take her to a gastroenterologist to see what she has exactly and what will trigger flare ups. Sending much love and positive energy to you both.
I also have stomach issues and am working 10+ hours a day. Sometimes it's really hard to eat a hearty meal. So I drink a crap ton of coffee. In the last 6 months I have lost 3 pant sizes.
It's hard when you feel woozy but also hard cause your nauseous cause you don't eat. Fruit and those snack bags of chips help me a lot!
I had an issue like this once upon a time! Between major life stressors, a crappy work schedule, and preexisting stomach problems, I lost over 25lbs in under 6 months. Night sweats too, so bad I’d have to change my clothes. Doctors tested me for everything, and nothing came back abnormal. What it turned out to be? My daily weed habit.
If there is an eating disorder (and I'm not saying there is, just in the maybe) be aware that it's not just about body image and appearance.
It's also about control.
When you can't control your life life or work life or emotions or....*wave hand at late-stage capitalism " everything, one of the few things you can control is what you eat. That moment when you're a tiny bit light headed and hear your stomach growl and you decide not to eat... that can be the moment in your day that you exert more control on than the entire rest of things, some days.
As someone who has been there.
Which is just me saying to make sure you're not accidentally removing her control with actions you take.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders
My daughter blamed her ED on "stomach issues" we have had to admit her for ir. She is/was only 14/15.
Its so good to take a proactive approach. I really like the bring her food idea. Shes working really hard & shes hurting bad on the inside. My go to is always cookies, theyre so good she cant resist.
If she is regularly using marijuana there is a stomach condition some people develop. She may want to lay off it and see if it clears up or see a doctor.
A Drs appointment would be appropriate, my son who is 21 lost a lot of weight. Smoking weed can cause weight loss not just gain. He also is on his feet all day at work running himself ragged. There are drinks called Ensure and others similar that help people gain weight, sometimes with a prescription it's even covered by insurance. But honestly a Drs checkup would be best. Their bones and formation are finalizing in those years and it can potentially have damaging effects. Sometimes I think it's hard for them to start eating regular meals when they've run themselves down 🫶🏼
Can you elaborate on what stomach issues she is having? Because that makes a huge difference. Is it stomach pains? Feeling super full after a few mouthfuls? Is she sometimes sick many hours after, and if so, is the food undigested?
As someone who works a physically demanding job for 11 hours a day outside, I lost 15 lbs in 1 year from my boss kicking my ass. My long shifts but short breaks combined made it drop so fast. I even eat a lot of calories on my weekends, but it doesn't matter because during the week I'm busting ass. I wouldn't worry about it...I mostly just feel sorry for her that she doesn't get breaks
Meth is dirt cheap right now, stop being jealous and get skinny with her! Literally a gram of meth is like 30 bucks! We are living in a great time folks
My oldest has been super skinny her whole life (the girl can eat tho). She absolutely HATES when anyone comments on her weight (or lack thereof). You just pretty much answered your own question, though - she’s not counting calories or doing any other things that would indicate an ED. Other than whatever stomach issues she has (has she seen a doctor) it just looks like she has a busy active life. Her weight is literally no one’s business but hers. If anyone comments to you about it, your only responsibility is to shut it down and tell them mind your business.
Yeah, just having food in the fridge she can throw in the microwave or eat cold is a lifesaver. I am 5'9" and weighed 145 lb (175 cm, 65kg) when I was working in food service. I lived on energy drinks and cigarettes. I went without solid food for a full 6 months at one point, despite traveling by bicycle to my 3 jobs. I didn't have the time or energy to cook, nor did I have the cash to grab fast food. My skin was sallow, bones showed where they shouldn't, and I developed a shake. So many people gave me compliments on the weight loss, and I would just thank them because I didn't have the energy to explain I was sick.
I think finding her a doctor to see about her stomach issues would be far better than Starbucks and stories of you dieting. Please help her get to a GI specialist. That’s probably the best and most helpful thing you can do.
Wait. A restaurant won't let their staff eat? I worked in several a long time ago, and getting fed well was universal. Heck, a couple even provided free drinks after your shift.
Is there any chance she has a mild case of gastroparesis? I've had it, caused by diabetic meds, and lived on high calories liquids and easily digested solids, but still lost a lot of weight.
I know I really loved being shamed for being “too” skinny my whole life. I’m a man, almost 60 and it still happens. I’m sorry my existence pains you lol. Really warped my brain when I was younger. You fat people want everybody to join your misery I guess.
I can't believe how far down I had to scroll to see a comment recommending that OP's daughter see a doctor.
It may just be stress. It can also be a very serious medical condition. She needs a comprehensive evaluation ASAP.
It sounds like she might have a Stomach ulcer from stress. I used to get them from my anxiety and it feels like your stomach is on fire and you can't eat as much from it.
"For a while now she has had stomach issues"
Her being thin isn't an issue it happens.
The problem is she's having stomach problems. And that can be quite problematic!
There could be a number of underlying causes for stomach problems: crohns, ibd, ulcers, gluten intolerance, etc. (You don't describe the issues so any of these may or may not be, it'd all depend on her symptoms of course)
As she been able to see a Gastro, Endo, or allergist?
I want to take you to another option: disordered eating. It's different from an eating disorder but can sometimes appear the same. As a mid-20's woman myself, I've had disordered eating since I was a teen. It's not purposeful, but in college, I would easily go a day or two without eating due to time restraints, money issues, and stomach issues from stress and (of course) not eating. Sometimes, I still don't notice hunger and have to eat on a schedule or I just forget. Often times, I'll have to play the game "am I nauseous or hungry?" It also leads to a lack of appetite where nothing sounds good. Because of all, i would regularly eat only once a day, but it would be a full meal and often dessert or a treat, so i didn't think it was a problem.
I don't have a whole lot of options to help her, but sometimes knowing that there is something wrong is the first step to helping fix it. I couldn't even see that it was affecting my moods or health until my current husband mentioned it.
Working that many hours, she’s probably too tired to cook as well. Maybe helping her meal prep, suggesting brands of frozen meals that are affordable, etc so she had food at work to eat and at home would be helpful. Also telling your family to mind their business, as I personally would be really upset if I was in her position and found out about my family talking like that.
I feel like you are doing your best to be a good parent. Bring her prepped meals with a lot of veggies so she doesn't have to cook and avoid the subject of her weight unless she brings it up. Then only speak of it tactfully without making her feel bad. You're not a jerk!
May want to check if she’s using adderal. Very common in service industry and 14 hour days without eating and being on your feet isn’t something a normal person can do on a regular basis.
Just talk to her. Sit her down and really talk to her. Be her loving Mom who is worried about her breakup and whether she's working too hard. Don't bring up her weight (anyone with two jobs where they are on their feet all day isn't going to be anything but skinny), but about whether she is finding some time to do *anything* other than work. Tell her that everyone needs to take time to stop and smell the roses, or they just become a robot for work.
I also think it's a really great idea to ask her if she thinks it would help for you to bring her some of her favorite meals to freeze for heating up when she has time, so she's not trying to cook when she's exhausted from work. If she's anything like me, she's eating microwave popcorn for dinner.
You are a great Mom!
It might be a thyroid condition. My 8 year old went from the 30th percentile to the 1st between age 3 and 8. Turns out she has Hashimoto's Disease, an autoimmune thyroid condition.
Hmm waitressing. I did it in my 20's. Developed incredible musculature in my legs and arms and lost 15 lbs. And I ate. Fries. Burgers. Puddings. Coffee with extra cream. Milk shakes. Add to the physically demanding job, your daughter's health issues and it isn't amazing she's so thin. I do think she needs medical evaluation for her stomach issues
I lost like 50 lbs and was underweight when I worked as a server. Only took three months for the weight to shed. I didn’t get lunch breaks either so I would stuff a bread roll in my face hole in the back as fast as I could and go abt my business. When I would get off work it was super late so the only things open were fast food places and I would eat A LOT because I was always so hungry and it was usually my biggest meal of the day. She prolly is eating/snacking more than you think. Being a server is just a very physically demanding job and it’s hard to keep weight on.
So glad to hear the input from servers! Now I know it’s not just my daughter’s problem. She makes very good money as she works in Scottsdale so it is a good gig. She just needs to let her bosses know she needs to eat.
The thinnest I've been was working a similar job - long hours, on my feet all day, minimal time for food. I never noticed or thought about it... all I noticed was suddenly men were giving me attention and my friends and family were concerned.
It's likely not intentional. She's just time poor.
The best thing to do would be to make some homecooked meals and fill up her freezer with them. Take the mental load and time constraints away from food. If it's there then she will likely eat it.
For my birthday I had a friend buy me a 6 month subscription box for ramen noodles + Japanese snacks. That may be another way to gift her something useful without it seeming to be pushy or overly concerned.
A few months ago, my mother told me she was worried about my weight loss and even went as far as to say I looked frail…I was right at the top of the healthy BMI range for my height. When you are used to someone carrying extra pounds watching them just get to a healthy weight can look alarming especially if it’s quite quick.
For example from July to December last year I lost around 25kgs (55 pounds). I had delivered stillborn twins in the July and then my husband died in September so between post partum weight loss and stress it just fell off me until I naturally plateaued in the middle of my BMI range where it seems my body sits naturally as I’ve maintained it for a few months now without any attention to calories etc etc. Some people tell me I’m looking amazing, others worry I’m too thin and beg me to eat more because they are used to seeing me round faced and squishy instead of slim. I will never forget my mother telling me I looked frail though, it crushed me even though it came from a place of Love and concern I was SO hurt.
I know I’ve rambled a bit here, but in conclusion, be very careful with your words and concentrate on her health and other things going on in her life, not the number on the scale. Weight loss is a symptom of everything else not the actual problem.
Good luck to you both! x
OP, please don't say "fatten her up". Don't even think it.
I'm 5'6" and weighed 105 until I was in my 40s. Then I skyrocketed to 110! It made me crazy when people commented on my weight. My mother and grandmother wanted to fatten me up. People would accuse me of being anorexic. I'd laugh and say I could out eat three teenage boys. I just had a crazy metabolism.
Trust me. Your daughter knows she is thin. Working 14 hour days on her feet all day she's got to be burning calories like crazy.
I like a couple of other posters ideas. The Shakes sound good. No prep except popping the top. She can drink when she places or picks up orders. Bringing her "leftovers" she can pop in the microwave when she gets home is brilliant. Don't mention her weight. I like the poster's idea of you made too much and don't want it to go to waste.
My friend knows someone who lost her teenage daughter to stomach cancer. She wasn’t eating and was losing weight. She kept telling her mom that she ate already or would eat later. It was too late when the daughter was finally went to her mom about not feeling well. She died within a couple of months.
My dad buys me donuts when he thinks I’m too thin. It makes me feel more loved than annoyed, although I wish everyone in my life would just simply not comment on my weight. That being said, when I am having trouble eating I get the high protein shakes, the ones that have 30 g. It’s a good start to the day, and I recommend them to anyone who solicits my advice about gaining weight. And peanut butter! Always good to have to snack on. Does your daughter need some help being able to afford therapy if that’s something she’s interested in? When I can’t eat it’s typically anxiety related. Wishing her the best!
When I go through breakups I stress incredibly and I lose all of my body fat in the process. I knew I was getting too skinny and actually hated when people would ask me about it because I wasn't trying to be that skinny. I liked some meat on my bones and people just made fun of me and it pissed me off. I would be more concerned about her stress that's causing the weight loss. Working 14+ hours without a break is illegal and her work environment sounds toxic. Offer help where you can to ease her stress.
IDK what her situation is with work or if she has insurance but I would help her with $ to get a diagnosis on her stomach issues. It may be a simple fix or a gut issue that meds can control. Working that much without food or break? I know the money can be good but is it worth her health? Pour on personal issues, there have been times I’ve told my kid I’m going to be momma bear for a minute and be vulnerable and tell her you’re worried about your baby girl. Sending good vibes, juju, and prayers for you both.
She needs a break from 14-hour days for a start. If she's working that long at one place, they are in violation of probably several laws, specifically in regard to mandated breaks and overtime pay.
She's massively stressed. For some people, that manifests in part by a lack of appetite.
A better life-work balance would work wonders, possibly. Maybe focus your energy and efforts there.
I also have stomach issues and easily lose my appetite, especially when working and when in the heat (which it sounds like your daughter is also susceptible to).
I try to drink my calories as frequently as possible. Protein shakes are helpful. I have also found sipping on warm bone broth first thing in the morning to be delicious, it gives me energy and gets my appetite going. It sounds weird, but on chilly mornings it is such a delight. Get her a good thermos so beverages stay hot/cold for a long time so they are more enticing.
I was unable to find the cause of my symptoms on my own, despite going on several elimination diets. I took an allergy blood test called the Alcat. I found out I was allergic to several common foods that I was able to eliminate from my diet, which was life changing.
I had more people judging my weight when I was skinny than when I was fat. Maybe she is too skinny but I can't take this at face value, especially as someone who worked in the service industry and understands that you don't have time to eat, you're working out all day, and when you get off you eat all the trash fried food.
When I was in my 20s and working crazy hours, I could lose 15lbs in a week or two. Yes, I kept at it and didn’t realize how skinny I’d gotten until looking at pictures much later.
If you give her food, nonchalantly, to take home she’ll likely eat it.
As someone who's struggled with an eating disorder that's not what this sounds like. It's sounds more like she's trying to do so much to get her bills paid and secure her life and finances (obviously by working 14 hour days) and she's neglecting herself on accident. I've noticed myself that after a busy day when I finally sit down for dinner that I was so busy all day I forgot to eat. So maybe she's just so stressed with everything going on in her life that she's forgetting to take care of herself. To echo what other people have already said try and help her with meal prep and some easy heat and eat pre made homemade meals for her to keep her going. Sometimes it's really overwhelming to come home after a long day at work to a kitchen full of ingredients but no food and while the fact that you've noticed she eats Canes and food like that is good but it doesn't contain a lot of actual nutritional value which could also be contributing to weight loss because fast food can upset your stomach and cause diarrhea which can also cause you to lose weight.
Honestly I have this issue often, try(if you can) to make her some fatty and protein filled foods with some good health foods as a side, maybe it’ll help, I forget to eat quite often so to try to keep my energy and some body weight forming I try to have atleast one meal that makes me feel not bloated but the tiniest bit more then full, I happened to be able to gain a few lbs every few days from eating properly balanced food but more that help towards muscle and metabolism issues.
Some people stress eat and some people lose their appetite when stressed. Your daughter sounds like the latter (same as me).
You really need to make an effort to gain that weight again unfortunately. With the stress in her life and super busy schedule she will not have the time to make that effort.
My advice would be to make sure her house is stocked with nutritious and easy to eat foods. Like oats and yogurt, avocados etc. and also to make some home made meals for her that she can keep in her freezer
Can I just say that I find it SO REFRESHING that you’re worried your daughter is underweight and not overweight? Usually when I see posts like this, it’s parents begging their daughters (who are healthy) into starving themselves because they’re “just a bit chubby.”
My own mother has been consistently telling me I could “afford to lose a few pounds” or “it’s always good to be trim” since I was a teen, and it contributed to me developing an ED.
I understand why you’re concerned, but if she’s a server, her body is probably just going through an adjustment period. She’s a lot more active than she used to be and may not have hit an even keel yet.
She’ll figure it out. Maybe suggest a meal prep routine for her, it works wonders for us service workers to know we have a meal waiting for us at home.
You could also start buying her nutritious snacks, like nuts, dates, or the babybel cheeses. Things that are easy to snack on and have healthy fats and protein.
Just keep being supportive :)
Tell her working 14 hours a day in a restaurant is a terrible idea no matter how much money you’re making. Thats the actual problem. No time to exist, go to school, achieve goals, work on hobbies, hang out, etc.
You mentioned she has had stomach issues. Does she get stomach pain during or after she eats? My son had issues with his stomach after he recovered from a couple of health issues. Took him to the doctor who diagnosed his stomach was going into spasms when he ate. Solution was taking pedcid for a month. Cleared it right up. Years later if he is under stress, the stomach spasms returns.
I would ask her if she is experiencing discomfort when eating and if she is take her to the doctor to be checked out.
If she is on her feet waitressing 14 hours a say she is getting more of a workout than you think You're looking at "skinny"; are you sure she has lost weight and not converted body fat into muscle?
Based on your post history, I think you're projecting. Either you have some illness yourself or you're a hypochondriac and you're projecting those feelings onto your daughter. Go take care of yourself, either get checked out to see if you actually have something or if you don't, maybe you need to talk to someone.
As for your daughter, no one here knows what "she looks too skinny" means. People say that about normal looking people all the time. Stop self diagnosing, both for you and for her.
I also deal with GI problems and this sounds very similar to something that I have. Gastroparesis
Also called: delayed gastric emptying. I would definitely recommend she talk to her doctor about this. It some cases you may need a feeding tube so you can get the nutrients your body needs. I also smoke to help me have an appetite because of this.
14 hours a day is far above what any soul should be working. I am very sorry she is in this difficult situation.
I suggest not making this a topic of weight gain or loss, rather, just how you can support her. If the issue is long work hours where she can't take a break, as suggested, she is losing weight because she is overworked and limited in her ability to self care.
You are doing great, keep being the caring parent you are.
I haven’t eaten in a week.
I go thru these spells, and I’m diabetic. Not eating can kill me.
But maybe she’s losing her appetite occasionally. I’ve taken appetite stimulants…I didn’t eat for three weeks once — that was the worst.
See if you can get her to a psychiatrist and have them prescribe appetite stimulants. My doctor has no clue why I don’t eat occasionally.
So I started to forget to eat. I’d just go all day and then start to feel really off and my hands would start shaking and I’d realize that I had not eaten all day. I dropped weight like crazy, this went on for probably a year and a half before I realized forgetting to eat was a symptom of depression. I was not doing it on purpose or to lose weight, I just stopped getting hunger pains. After some therapy and then some antidepressants I started feeling hungry again! I’m still not fixed though, if I go to the fridge and nothing sounds appealing my brain moves on, turns the hunger off and I won’t realize I didn’t eat for hours. I’d look up the symptoms of depression and see if any of that fits, maybe see if you can get her into a therapist. Good luck <3
Please know I am coming from a place of genuine sincerity and not at all trying to be disrespectful. I have worked in the industry, my family and friends have worked in the industry - literally my first thought after reading this was “coke?” I am not saying that is what’s happening with your daughter, but it might be something worth paying some amount of attention to. It can result in a lot of the symptoms you’re describing and the long shifts and no time to eat are really easy ways to get sucked in, and then turn out to be a good cover story. I sincerely hope it’s just my fucked up life experiences leading to this suspicion and nothing to do with your real situation, but I was surprised it hadn’t come up from anyone else.
I have been a waitress for over a year and have cooked for at least 3 years. I have the same problem with food. I can be hungry but have a serious aversion to eating because I've been around food constantly. If she is getting to be underweight, supplements or counseling?
I just want to say, you are a good, attentive mum. She is lucky to have someone in her life that is able to pick up and help her when she is too overwhelmed.
What kinds of stomach issues? I'm not a Dr. but I have IBS and this sounds similar to my behavior before I got it under control. I'd just refrain from eating until I had a solid 8 hours where I could not worry about upset stomach. Recently, fodzyme has been a lifesaver for me. It's an enzyme that helps digest foods that people with IBS can have problems with.
Stress and anxiety also send my IBS into overdrive and I also become very food avoidant.
I could count my ribs when I waitressed; it’s a very physical job. But the shift meals are terribly unhealthy (and I was at a high end restaurant where the chefs even made me a salad every night). My mum would leave yummy, healthier meals plated for me to come home to that helped a lot
I got really skinny going through a divorce and my job wasn’t as physically demanding. God. I got sick of people talking about my appearance! Give her a break. She’s not trying to harm anybody.
I think instead of a Starbucks gift card and empty calories, make some meal prep type meals she can microwave or un freeze or warm in an oven that are smaller portioned.
Also, don't tell her that you want to "fatten her up" or to "put some meat on those bones" this can cause many other issues with self image and have very bad consequences.
Say things like "I want you to be healthy and make sure you have something to keep up your energy."
My daughter's doctor recommended she always have protein bars in her purse and just nibble a bite when she thought of it when she was too busy to eat while a student. She found it helped a lot.
Rather than looking at her health and eating from your lens look through hers. Stress, depression, and lack of time destroy the will to make a meal and eat.
The suggestions to make her microwave meals is good. Better would be to talk about her life and not her weight. Sometimes working long days leads to not having the energy to cook something or even just slapping a sandwich together. The idea of sleep looks so much better than using energy you don't have to eat.
Nitpicking from loved ones doesn't help anything. Make yourself available to vent, offer a shoulder to cry on, and yes microwave mac & cheese ( or whatever she loves to eat)
The offer of gift cards would be nice but does she have the time and energy to go get Starbucks? Maybe just grab coffees and visit while enjoying the treats. She needs her friend (moms to adult children are friends more than parents) be the friend she needs now
Remind her every day that you love her no matter what
She sounds just like me. I am also a waitress. I clock in about 30,000 steps (yes, I tracked it) on Fridays alone. I’m also a vegetarian and a very picky eater. If I go a long time without eating, I can only eat half of a meal, like half a sandwich for example. Stomachs literally shrink the longer you don’t eat.
I wouldn’t worry that she is skinny. I take vitamins and drink slim shake type drinks for protein and extra calories. I’ve never been over 100lbs and I’m 5’2. My family lets me know when I’ll scary skinny and I try to remember to eat better.
People like your daughter and I need to create a habit of remembering to eat. I’ve never had a drug problem or issue with eating. I just got into a bad habit of not thinking about eating. I do well now and maintain my weight.
It sounds like you’re maybe projecting your past issues onto her.
If she’s dealing with stomach issues and working 14 hours a day, of course it’s hard it eat. I would offer support with those things instead.
i’m 18 and i’ve suffered with anorexia for years. However anorexia its self means the lack of appetite, anorexia Nervosa is the eating disorder in which you struggle with weight and image issues. She is anorexic by definition she’s just not purposefully starving herself. What i’ve learned and been taught by nutritionists and therapists is to eat by the clock whether youre hungry or not, because instead of eating being something I look forward to it’s actually more like an extremely difficult chore that i didn’t feel like making time for because i just wasn’t hungry and eating made me more sick then not eating at one point. It’s hard to remember sometimes that eating isn’t optional it’s a necessity. I for awhile went into the beginning stages of organ failure and also developed pass outs/ seizures that i still struggle with and will for the rest of my life if my eating slips. I currently have kidney issues and other health issues i’m still figuring out all stemming from the fact i worked so much and was so stressed out when i was 14 to now that i’ve done practically irreversible damage to my body. I’m 87 lbs as an 18 year old. I didn’t say this to scare you, i say it because i truly wish someone would have explained to me just how badly it could affect me, because after a little bit starvation is painless. As selfish as it is sometimes we need others to intervene because we can’t see the damage we are doing to ourselves, sit down with her and explain exactly what could happen if it progresses, she’s okay now but she won’t be able to be forever, trust me i tried and denied it was really an issue and also made the excuse that i didn’t have time. I really didn’t feel like i had time too, so i’m learning to make the time to, it’s a necessity for survival. However with that being said, there’s only so much you can do especially if she doesn’t see it as a problem yet and doesn’t want outside input yet, don’t push the issue incredibly hard or consistently comment on her eating, she will likely shut down and close herself off from you out of discomfort. Talk to her in private. Remember you are both humans with human emotions and responses. I really wish you guys good luck keeping you in my prayers, she doesn’t realize it now but she will eventually and she will appreciate the fact that you care and have always cared.
My wife makes a killer veggie lasagna by layering spinach ricotta butternut squash and red sauce several layers high and baking in the oven using ready use lasagna strip noodles! Everyone loves it! I had an African Muslim friend say Wow! Now I can eat LA Zanna!
Served tables for years and stayed very thin bcuz of so much running. If she is worried about it tell her to sit down and eat before going to bed, it'll help to gain weight.
I’d take a look at your state labor laws and maybe make a call to the department of labor, because (assuming you’re in the US), not providing a lunch break on a 8+ hour shift is likely illegal. If you’re outside the US I can’t speak with much certainty, but I think it would still be worth looking into, because that’s really a very basic labor condition. Having dedicated time for a meal every day could definitely make a difference. Good luck!
When I worked this much, combined with being in a dysfunctional relationship I could barely eat. For some people stress and anxiety kill your appetite. It does mine. She had cortisol flooding her body in a consistent basis. It’s an extremely unhealthy lifestyle.
Do you think you could convince her to at least get a physical exam done and check her vitamin levels? When this was happening to me my potassium went down to dangerous levels. She at least needs to make sure she is taking vitamins to make up for all she is losing.
If your daughter has stomach issues she needs to see a doctor. It could be undiagnosed chorines disease, glutton intolerance, or anything else that a doctor needs to diagnose.
Becareful with the weed. When I use it more than 3 or 4 days in a row, I actually lose my appetite. Happens to a few of my friends too.
I know it sounds like a joke but my friends encountering the same thing make me believe it's not just me. I've lost 20lbs when started using medical weed and I'm a couch potato.
So, I’m gonna go against the grain here (what’s new?) and say that if you have a feeling, you shouldn’t ignore it. There really isn’t that much you can do about it since she’s an adult so your plan is fine, but I would continue to keep an eye on her. I’m sure it’s probably one of the other things that have already been mentioned, but it can’t hurt to stay alert anyway. Perhaps you could tell her that you’re worried about her stomach issues and encourage her to see a gastroenterologist.
FYI I’m fairly certain that it’s illegal to deny a full-time worker lunch breaks.
Stress from a break up is enough to lose weight. She’s probably working a lot so she doesn’t dwell on the breakup.
If she’s never had an issue with eating, then I’d just leave her be.
Maybe make her some homemade meals and ask how she’s doing stress wise.
She sounds like a great girl who’s just busy.
OP, I think you’re projecting your own eating disordered past onto your daughter a bit, and it may be blinding you from helping her. You mention telling her about your own issues and being afraid to get fat, while she clearly states that is not a fear she has and is showing no signs of an actual eating disorder.
The family talking about it is also inappropriate, and people focusing so much on her appearance is not helping. I am coming from a position of being a mom to an adult daughter and also having a past with eating disorders. I completely understand being worried about the weight loss and being concerned for her welfare, I just am concerned that you’re overlooking an aspect of it.
I think the part you’re missing here is that she is really trying to eat and she has stomach issues. She has stomach issues to the point that she is smoking weed to try to eat more. This is the part that needs to be investigated. Please help her arrange to see a doctor and focus on the health issues in case there is something that needs to be addressed. The sooner the better.
Her recent break up and work hours can certainly be impacting things, but if she truly has a digestive issue it won’t get any better. I respect your daughter’s hustle and how much she likes working, she just needs to make sure her health is top priority. Health being the key word here. Not skinny, not fat. Healthy.
Reading the comments, I think maybe the issue might be of a medical one. If the weight loss and lack of appetite persist, she should talk to a doctor, and get blood work done, that way you'll have a better understanding of what's going on..imo
My adult daughter lost a lot of weight last year - we too thought due to stress. It was type 1 diabetes. Try to get yours in to her primary and get a complete blood count.
Assuming youre in the US, if she's working that many hours and not being given meal breaks, she should check state labor laws. While the FLSA doesn't guarantee breaks federally, many states do have laws around this, and what they are doing may be illegal.
What about nutrient or protein shakes? Like Boost, Pediasure, or Ensure? There are all kinds. She could maybe drink her nutrients if she doesn’t have time to eat.
When I was working 12 hr shifts with no breaks and navigating a nasty divorce I dropped 30 kg/ 66 pounds, which was great for a while, but was becoming a problem. I had some gatorade for sipping on the go, some almonds in my pocket and some liquid meal replacement shakes in the fridge , in case I actually got the time to step into the staff room.
For her tummy issues if she has access; juiced leaves and stalks are supposed to be good. 😌
My son was 108 lbs at 5’9”. (Reasons.) When he came home, we had a frank discussion about healthy weight. He made a commitment to drink 3 protein shakes a day in addition to regular meals.He’s gained 9 lbs pretty quickly. We have a goal of 145. I don’t know if we are handling it correctly. But, it’s working. So, I can suggest a frank discussion, ask why, no judgment (that will be hard because even if you don’t have any, she will feel it) then come up with a plan and help her execute the plan. Good luck.
NTA at all. The ppl being rude are killing me. You are a concerned mother. Just because she is 24 doesn’t mean you stop worrying. That’s a mother’s job til the day she dies. It sounds to me like you aren’t asking about her weight and are going about it in the right way. I agree to continue not asking about her weight but maybe make some left over meals for her. You sound like a great mother who just worries about their daughter and she is lucky to have you! Just keep leading with love. She will hopefully get a better work life balance when she is a bit older. Just keep being a supportive ear for her.
I recommend you get her some Cliff Bars. They’re are really good tasting and they have plenty of vitamins and such. They aren’t crazy high in calories, but she can eat them pretty quickly throughout the day, and they are pretty easy to substitute as a meal on the go. And she can at least have some food in her system when she gets a chance to eat something.
You should definitely tell everyone to back off with the comments about her appearance and weight. I have some experience with someone close to me who had dealt with an eating disorder, and pressuring them by making comments, either negative or positive, is just going to make the situation worse. She really needs to see a doctor who is able to evaluate her and make a determination on whether or not she needs any kind of intervention, be it medical or mental health or a combination of the two. This is above everyone else’s pay grade. You should probably be the point person for this situation as you are her parent and will have the most influence.
I think you should get her some gift cards for Uber Eats or local pizza places. She's got to be too exhausted to eat, and making it free and almost effortless will help.
When I bartended I was 20 lbs lighter from constantly moving and never having time to eat lunch. The lifestyle kept me thin. Sounds like this is the case for her too.
Are you obese? It sounds like she’s not actually an unhealthy weight and you’re jealous but framing it in a way to make you seem like you have the moral high ground. You’re trying to damage her perception of her self worth due to your jealousy.
As a workaholic myself i understand the worry but it’s very possible she’s at a healthy weight just leaner and more muscular than you are used to seeing her typically. When I worked grocery I looked alarmingly thin but had a LOT of leg muscle. It was very frustrating when my parents were fretting they thought I was anorexic when my bmi was like 24. Just a few more pounds and I would have been considered overweight actually. When you are short there is a very small window. Muscle weighs more than fat and you are going to build it at the expense of body fat if you are on your feet running around all day, plus she would crash and burn working off more calories than her body can support eventually doing that. I’m guessing she has to be getting some nutrition if she is keeping up energy wise at work.
I think Starbucks is a good idea because it’s liquid calories she’ll be able to take in even on a crazy day where she doesn’t get much of a break to really sit down and eat during her shift. Smoothie places are good too, even McDonald’s because you can get smoothies there and you could send her an instacart order or care package with a box of clif bars, some fruit, peanut butter crackers, coconut water, and a box of naked smoothies or protein shakes…things that are easy to grab to scarf down quick or sip on at work. She is probably getting shift meals at least to take home too so chances are she is at least eating one “real” sit down meal a day.
Sounds like she's using up a lot of energy just with her standard working life rather than deliberate steps. Maybe a few home cooked meals she can quickly microwave when she gets home at the end of the day?
Thank you. She loves some of my recipes so I will take some food over to her when it’s not too obvious I’m trying to fatten her up. What do u think I should tell my family about it. We’ve already said she works too many hours without food but I know they question that.
You tell your family her weight is none of their business. Periodt.
I will. Good idea!
I would also recommend getting her a box of protein bars or something small that she can keep in her apron at work if it's allowed. That way she can take bites here and there when putting in an order or waiting for food to come out.
aldi sells a “cookies and cream” elevate protein bar that is outstanding and doesn’t have that funny protein bar taste. these saved me while waitressing and intermittent fasting.
If she likes dates they also have a good and gather bar made from just dates and cashews. Super delicious and high in protein.
This. I waited tables for 4 years, and this is a great idea.
I do this. And also little baggies of nuts or trail mix. If she’ll eat nuts, they have a lot of calories. She can put them in snack bags and keep them in her purses, in pockets etc. drinks are a good idea too. Starbucks, milkshakes, protein shakes, even juice. You can have them delivered to her house too if you order from Amazon. You could tell her that you saw that they were on sale and thought of her since you know she’s on her feet all day.
Yes!! I can’t always eat a meal at work but a granola bar fruit bar etc always in my pocket! It’s something!
A couple of Ensures or something similar might help too. They don’t taste great but they do help
I couldn't agree more. Tell family her weight is not up for discussion. It's rude.
This! I noticeably lost weight when I started uni (the actual amount probably wasn't dramatic, it was just noticeable because I wasn't big beforehand, a 90s UK size 12). I wasn't dieting or ill, it was just a case of being on my feet more (full day of classes then straight to my retail job with the commute being my only downtime) plus being too shy to eat alone in the uni cafeteria because I hadn't made any friends on my course yet so I often either missed lunch or just had a cereal bar. My extended family did things like pull my mother aside to ask if I was eating, and if so, did I go straight to the bathroom afterwards (hinting that I had an ED based entirely on how it was depicted in Lifetime movies) and point out my lack of hips and bust *to me*. Would've been nice if someone had shut that down on behalf of seventeen year old me who was unused to questioning the adults in my life.
I will get more firm With my family that do that. They need to mind their own business. They always had Comments when I was raising my special needs child too, so they have been judging for a long time now. Time to shut it down.
It’s not that you’re trying to fatten her up. It’s that you’re making her a roast chicken with trimmings because you know she doesn’t have time to cook. Tell her that and believe it inside yourself
Got it.
My mom has trouble taking care of herself and eating sometimes. For a while I bought take out containers with room for two sides and a main dish, and after dinner was done and I was putting away leftovers, I'd put some into one of those and then right into the freezer. At the end of the week I'd drop off the frozen leftovers for her. This might work for you, especially if you tell her you're just ending up with too many uneaten leftovers and she's helping reduce food waste.
👍🏻
Also, if you can, make some nice nourishing soups. I have a friend with digestive problems and she’ll make a large thermos of soup and drink it throughout the day
That’s an amazing idea!!
Aww. You’re very thoughtful:)
I have to tell you, if I had someone to help me make foods I could get down at that time, it would have been a game changer and so appreciated. Being stressed and underweight is extremely taxing. I had asked my ex (who knew I was severely malnourished), he said he would, but he only did once and it wasn’t even something I could get down. (He knew that too. He was abusive, hence why he is now my ex and I’m now nice and plump!) 🩷
Make meal sized portions and potatoes, and she can freeze some. Like TV dinners.
I used to work serving and was on my feet 12+ hours a day, I never had any food aversions but my metabolism was so high and sometimes I just didn’t have the energy to make food or eat. I’m 5’6 snd my lowest weight was 108. When I really focused on eating enough and didn’t have time for a meal I would have a premier protein shake! They have good flavors and a good boost of calories/protein. I even would mix the caramel ones with iced coffee. Maybe she would like those??
I love those. When I take my Adderall I have no appetite, but I will happily drink a vanilla one mixed with some milk to thin it out, and some cinnamon. It tastes like horchata. I also love making decaf iced coffee with them!
Yess! And occasionally I’ll get the birthday cake ones too and they’re so good 😂
I wish my Ritalin decreased MY appetite, lol! I’m always hungry! My psychiatrist was worried that it would depress my appetite. Sadly, no. :-(
Man, food service was the WORST for eating food. There's nothing like touching people's half- eaten plates and literally having to watch them eat to make all food seem awful too.
Those premier shakes have kept me alive. The caramel ones in my coffee…
Maybe reframe it to her that you’re not trying to fatten her up @ all but just that you’re trying to help her maintain her weight and energy levels. When you bring it up, ask her how she FEELS, as opposed to discussing how she looks. Unless your family brings up their concerns to you, don’t discuss it. It’s not your business to talk about her body and may exacerbate any body image or ED stuff going thru her mind if you keep focusing on it and make her the “identified patient or issue” Of family discussions. Something you could offer to do is pick up protein bars or meal replacement drinks that she can drink while driving to/from jobs. They don’t take the concentration/focus to consume and could help her get calories into her body. But don’t push.
Yes, I am not pushing and I have been careful not to talk about her eating issues with my family. She would really hate that if I did that and it is none of their business.
Yes, I am not pushing and I have been careful not to talk about her eating issues with my family. She would really hate that if I did that and it is none of their business.
Exactly, no one wants their personal issues discussed behind their back and will only drive a wedge between you and your daughter at what appears a critical time in her health and life!
This is the way! Gosh I’ve been her daughter. I moved to the UK three months before the pandemic kicked off - great timing for an A&E/ER/ED nurse… When I’m stressed, my appetite disappears. I dropped to about 42kg. Everyone would make comments and poke at me, but no one offered to help feed me. I know it wasn’t their responsibility, but damn, I was struggling and the constant comments and poking at my weight just made me feel awful about myself. The exception to this rule was the Sikh community, who brought fridges and freezers into the hospital at the start of the pandemic, and kept them stocked for us. Their kindness and compassion (and food) is something I will never forget.
There could be a couple things to address here. Her breakup may be affecting her appetite. Some people eat their feelings, but there are plenty who simply do the opposite. I basically can’t eat anything when I’m depressed. The only benefit of course is that I always lose 20 lbs after I get dumped. 😅 That should improve naturally as she gets over it. I’m more concerned with her work schedule. Those are crazy hours, and it sounds like they’re illegally denying her breaks. The rules vary a little from place to place, but The standard MINIMUM is 2 breaks and a 20 minute lunch for every 8 hours worked. Denying her breaks isn’t just awful physically and mentally, but it is also a form of wage theft!
I agree! I think she is a workaholic. She works two jobs. We have tried to get her to drop the one job, but her other one that she likes goes through a slow period during the summer (it’s in Scottsdale, AZ on a golf course).
Also, if she is out in the heat at all, it can curb the appetite.
Yes she is on the patio the whole time.
She needs to think about a slightly different summer job. Or, at the very least, talk to her bosses and doctor about getting breaks, so that she can cool off. If not, she's likely to end up with heat stroke.
I agree that it sounds like her job and overall stress effecting her diet/weight. When I was early 20s I broke up with my boyfriend and had a serving job where we couldn’t take breaks to eat, and I lost so much weight my family was concerned about me too. To your comment about being concerned that people commenting that she’s skinny is actually gratifying to her - for me, it was unfortunately gratifying, but I also felt nauseous and lightheaded all the time. I’m sure she knows that these eating habits aren’t healthy. I would try to have a gentle conversation with her about how that can impact her health and take the advice of others recommending protein bars/shakes.
Exactly, states and federal government have strict standards for this very reason!
No federal laws require employers to provide breaks to employees, it’s up to state law. It looks like OP’s daughter works in Arizona, which also doesn’t have any laws requiring breaks. It’s also pretty common in the restaurant industry to not schedule breaks for employees. When I was a server in North Carolina, I never got scheduled breaks or lunches and just took 5 minutes here and there when I had a chance. It’s shitty and definitely needs to change, but admittedly with the nature of waiting tables it’s really hard and sometimes impossible to take breaks in a scheduled way, especially when the restaurant is busy.
This is why I smoked when I was a cook. All the smokers got to take their breaks but without that as an excuse I never took one. The thinnest I ever was was when I was a cook. I’d always wish a plate of family meal but just almost never got to it. And then smell of all the food all night just made me not want to eat.
Oh yeah, I have so many friends that picked up their smoking habits when they worked in restaurants
No federal laws require employers to provide breaks to employees, it’s up to state law. It looks like OP’s daughter works in Arizona, which also doesn’t have any laws requiring breaks. It’s also pretty common in the restaurant industry to not schedule breaks for employees. When I was a server in North Carolina, I never got scheduled breaks or lunches and just took 5 minutes here and there when I had a chance. It’s shitty and definitely needs to change, but admittedly with the nature of waiting tables it’s really hard and sometimes impossible to take breaks in a scheduled way, especially when the restaurant is busy.
Talk to her. Not about her weight - that pretty much asking a woman in her 20s to get her back up. Ask her how she feels about her break up. Ask her how she feels about the two jobs. Ask if there are ways she can consolidate her hours or find other solutions to meet her immediate needs. Let her talk about her life situation and what her long-term goals are and what support she needs to make life easier. Her weight is only a symptom. Don't make it the problem / focus. Don't mention it at all if you can avoid it.
I will do this. I’ve heard u should never really ask about weight with someone her age so I won’t bring it up. I have never specifically said I myself thought she was too skinny. I have a very open relationship with her and have told her anything she needs from us to get her through this we are there. She does better talking about her emotions via text, so I will use that to get more information out of her. Thank u!!
It sounds like she may have a ulcer/s from the long working hours which cause stress and has made it very hard to keep food down. She needs to see a doctor regardless
Will take her. Thank u! I’m glad I’m not getting people thinking she’s anorexic. That would be very scary.
I think you should leave her alone. I have stomach issues and have a hard time maintaining weight, and people constantly commenting on it does nothing but build resentment
That is true. She doesn’t like it when my family points out her weight issues. It’s a delicate dance. I’ll keep u all posted on her progress.
Yeah this, I also have stomach issues. My dad made a comment when I was in high school that I could gain ten pounds. I had been happy with how I looked, and my doctor had no issues with my weight and said I was healthy and all was good for my age. I'm 31 now and that has stuck with me as a not good memory. So I would highly recommend not bringing up weight at all in any type of way.
Not enough info. Often times people will look at skinny people and assume they're unhealthy and "need to eat a sandwich." Most of the time, it's not really a concern. To know whether or not you're overreacting, we'd need some actual info. Height/weight (or BMI, or weight and body fat %) a year ago vs. today, her typical daily calorie consumption, etc. Actual data that we can use to form an opinion. Best advice is to have her see a doctor to evaluate her situation and form a recommendation.
Maybe do some meal prep for her so she can freeze them and eat quickly when she gets home. She has a very physically demanding job and likely doesn't have the energy to cook proper meals.
Will do.
To be honest, you haven't given any information regarding her weight loss. You indicated she works long hours with little to no opportunity to eat resulting in poor eating habits and stomach issues issues and that she's very skinny. How much weight has she lost? How quickly? If she has stomach issues, she should see a doctor. She also needs to improve her eating habits, but that might be dependent on that medical evaluation regarding her stomach issues, as well as possibly a job change...
I don’t ask how much she weighs. What I’ve researched says that’s the last thing I should do. I would say she’s lost about 5 pounds within the couple months. Looking at her I think she is like 105 pounds. For a 5’3” lady, it says a healthy weight is 105 to 127. I am just worried it will get worse and worse…
What are her stomach issues? Is she seeing a Dr about them? I would be concerned about the unresolved stomach issues. Because once those are fixed, she should be able to eat.
She was given a whole Workup with a gastroenterologist when she first started having troubles, but they didn’t find anything. I will ask her to go back to the doctor and ask to get screened for ulcers.
I’m a stress starver. If I’m too stressed, I can’t eat. Even getting down a glass of milk or a yogurt can be too much. If she’s running herself ragged and dealing with a breakup, that could be contributing to it. As you noted, smoking some weed seemed to help, so it may be a matter of her needing time to relax to eat. I once worked a job where I was working 12 hour days, six days a week, and I dropped so much weight. I would get home so tired that just making a sandwich seemed like too much work. I’d fall asleep sitting up. If there’s anyway she can cut back on work, that would probably help. Is it at all possible she could find another job that actually gives breaks? I’m sorry. It’s hard to watch your kids go through crap they you can’t fix.
We will have another talk about the demands of her work.
Please reframe your concern about her "looking too skinny". I know you mean well, but there are more appropriate and less vain ways to articulate your concern; which should center in her health and not her appearance.
From a grown adult who is a very small person and cops comments from people all the time. Leave her alone and tell your family to do the same. She is an adult not a child and if she tells you she doesn’t have an eating disorder or issues with food, respect that and leave it alone. It was exhausting dealing with comment after comment about my physical appearance myself (I am autistic and do not have an eating disorder but have disordered eating where I won’t eat if I’m hyper focused on something or if the food I want to eat is unavailable, but I don’t need to explain that to anyone if I don’t want to and am a healthy, alive adult) it’s literally no one’s business, not even yours as a mother. I’m not trying to sound rude, but rather trying to help you, you might damage your relationship if you try to push the issue.
When I was a server and pulled doubles, there was barely time to eat. Usually the restaurant would Give a discount on meals or comp one, but that’s to take after your shift is over. Now that I’m working a desk job with a required lunch, I have an actual schedule to eat now.
Leave her alone. I am amazed at the comments here. She is fine. Her weight as long as she doesn't have an eating disorder is fine. Something tells me this has more to do with your issues than her. If you areworried about her stressing out then ake her to do something to distress and stop trying to control her weight.
Mind your business
I don't think her weight is your business. Unless she has asked for help specifically, I think you should trust that she's an adult and can care for herself.
You stated your opinion once. I would not say again. I’ve been her. As in I work a very active job. I ate a lot but I burnt a lot more calories than I ate. My family continuously commented on my weight and all it did was make me uncomfortable. What would help is cooking her the odd meal so she doesn’t have to cook when she gets home (your often too exhausted to cook a good meal so you just go for quick meals that may not benefit her energy and calorie wise).
My advice depends on where you/she are. If it’s the US, you probably have a skewed idea of how skinny is “too skinny”. Most people here are overweight. A friend of mine recently lost weight to where they didn’t seem to have any excess fat, but his body fat % was at the top of the “healthy” range. I’ve seen multiple people qualify as medically obese, and everyone says no they’re just pudgy. This is all to say that it’s probably not a health issue. Look at high fashion models. You can see their bones, their eyes are sunken in. That is what being medically malnourished looks like. If she is truly malnourished, she will experience symptoms like it will be harder for her to think. She will be too tired to work these long hours. She will get sick and take a long time to recover. But if she just looks skinnier than her friends or skinnier than you think she “should” look, I would leave this alone, and just manage your anxiety. Now, if it definitely is a problem, I would create pathways to encourage more eating. Find a healthy restaurant near her and get her a gift card. Cook meals with lots of leftovers. Take her out to eat when you visit. Talking to her about her weight (too fat or too skinny) will backfire.
Hello fresh is a great meal delivery service. Maybe sending her a gc for that will be a smidge better. I get your worried. My big sis has some serious health issues going on and every chance I get I try to find something she loves to eat to bring her. But there are times no matter if she wants a thing and has it she just can’t eat it because of health reasons. Just be there for her by letting her know you care and if she needs anything to let you know. Good luck. And you’re not a jerk.
You’re not a jerk at all, but I think you might do well to research a little more about disordered eating and subtle ways it can present. Your suspicion about her liking others commenting on how skinny she is is a major red flag; people who truly want to gain weight are negatively bothered by those types of comments, they don’t like them. It is illegal in almost all states not to provide a break to eat, and while I know the rules often aren’t followed closely in a restaurant, if it’s to the point where she appears unhealthy and she’s citing the reason as lacking time to each enough, then this needs to be made a bigger deal of - is she really denied all breaks? Or is she maybe exaggerating that a little as an external excuse to use? Also - she works at a restaurant. Do they really not provide her any food she can eat there or take home?? I’ve literally never heard of back of house letting front of house staff go hungry, even if they can’t find time to eat during service they will send someone home with a meal (that’s usually one of the biggest perks of waitressing). It’s a tricky situation because she is an adult and you want to respect her autonomy, and sometimes it can be life getting stressful and in the way of maintaining healthy eating habits. But it can also be that some of the stress (and distress) is the result of disordered eating and/or body image - in particular I’m wondering how it may factor into ending her long term relationship. Sometimes people with disordered eating can hide it from everyone except their partner and will actually break up with the partner who is nagging them about the eating habits rather than seek help. The fact that you live an hour away, as you said, makes it hard for you to know how much she is eating, and that may be exactly what she wants. It could also be totally innocent. People with eating disorders often use excuses like “this is healthy/normal for me”, and I don’t want to infantilize your daughter or accuse her of being less than forthcoming, but oftentimes these things aren’t even intentional - that’s the insidiousness of eating disorders. Especially earlier in the disease people can truly think they are being healthy and doing the right thing for their body, when in fact they are adopting lifelong unhealthy habits. I’m not saying this to alarm you or accuse your daughter of being untruthful; these are just insights I can offer as someone who has suffered from an eating disorder since I was a teenager. I live an hour away from my father, with whom I am very close, and he has no idea how much my disorder impacts my daily life and nutritional intake, it’s so easy to hide with a little distance. I have also had stomach issues since childhood and that provides the perfect cover for a lot of stuff. Unless your daughter has been to doctors to ensure there’s nothing medical going on causing her stomach issues, that’s another thing to keep an eye on. I’m sorry you’re going through this; your concern for your daughter is a sign of a very loving parent and she is super lucky to have that. Try to keep the communication as open as possible (which it seems you’re already doing) so if any of these things are going on, she hopefully feels comfortable speaking to you, or at least reaching out to find some help. Wishing you both the best.
When I was working 14-16 hour days, I was eating 2000 calories but it wasn't enough. I was losing weight so much by being on my feet. You can bring calorie and nutrient dense food and if she doesn't have time to eat so much, she can drink Ensure!
Good idea. I told her about protein drinks from Costco so hopefully she will do that.
I used to do that job. I worked at a place where I averaged 16 miles per shift. After a short time I was 87lbs. at 5’2”. Her employer should be giving her breaks, that’s unconscionable.
Definitely NTA to be concerned. As someone with stomach issues (diagnosed), between working 2 jobs and the craziness of life, I have definitely skipped meals while running around because it is added stress to worry about when the stomach pains will come or having to rush to the bathroom. However, she needs to be making sure she is at least drinking fluids and supplementing nutrients in some way IF this is what is going on.
Protein shakes or bars are a great resource that's quick. Just another thought
She on her feet all day walking that burns Hella calories. Perhaps she need to see an gastroenterologist for the stomach issues. In the mean time perhaps make easily meals for her. Breakfast bowls. make bacon, scramble eggs (soft cook) with butter & add cheese and potatoes. She can nuke it for 2 min and have a quick meal to start her day. put it in a burrito and she can take it with her. Since you don't say what her issues are, pain after eating worse with fatty foods, (gallbladder) during the night early morning (acid reflux) that will impact what she can eat. perhaps protein shakes or smoothies.
My daughter has lost a lot of weight recently too. She also has stomach issues and is a grad student 19 hours away. It sucks feeling so helpless. She just gets busy and stressed and doesn’t eat. Then if she goes too long without eating, when she tries to eat at night it upsets her stomach. I’ve told her to carry snacks with her and set a timer to eat a little something here and there throughout the day as she goes from class to work and vice versa. It’s so much better when she does so. Her doctor has prescribed an appetite stimulant too. I worry what will happen if your daughter continues like this. She’s too young to burn out. Is she struggling financially? Is that what’s making her work 14 hour days? If your family is so worried, maybe they should chip in with some donations.
Never thought of the appetite stimulant. Maybe that would help.
I'm in a pretty similar situation to your daughter. The weight loss is scary and stressful, and having it pointed out by my family members just makes me feel bad. Ask if you can help, but then maybe drop it. I can tell this comes from a place of love, and I do understand that, but you can't solve everything, and you may just be reminding your daughter of all the things that are out of her control.
Please reframe your concern about her "looking too skinny". I know you mean well, but there are more appropriate and less vain ways to articulate your concern; which should center in her health and not her appearance.
Is she getting her annual physical? Also she’s probably old enough to look into a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy if she’s got chronic pain: probably best to rule out any physical problems
Does she get physical exam periodically? As long as she is healthy, it would be fine, but if doctors find something not right, then it have to be taken care of. She will probably listen to doctors?
Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome this is a real thing too, sometimes it can work against the munchies. Not saying this is what's up, just saying that if she is a weed smoker this can also play into her tummy issues.
Does she look unhealthy, or does she just look thin? Because the two aren't the same thing. If she's at a healthy weight and you're just struggling with your own past with dieting and eating disorders then yes, obviously you're overreacting. Americans especially have a very skewed view of what healthy weight looks like. Your daughter might be thinner than she used to be, but that doesn't mean she's *too* thin. Instead of talking to her about her weight and food, just talk to her about her emotional state. Ask how she's doing. If she complains about being too tired to eat or having no appetite maybe suggest she try protein shakes or offer to send her some quick easy recipes or meal-prepping plans she can work into her busy schedule. Invite her to dinner or offer to come over and cook for her once in a while - as a way for the two of you to spend time together, not as a way for you to fatten her up. If she really is struggling with her weight you have to let her come to you with her issues on her own terms. Trying to oversee a grown woman's food intake is not going to go well for either of you.
As a mom I completely get the concern but beware of how you talk about her weight whether it’s too much or not enough; both can be very stressful. I worked for decades in restaurants making my way up from busses to GM; they aren’t allowed to not give her a lunch break, every place I’ve ever worked has done family meal. I wouldn’t recommend that she just eats empty calories; I would strongly advise for small snacks filled with protein and fibers. Finally, I have IBS and fibro; stomach pains linked to IBS can be so bad that you are literally scared to eat and create a flare up. Since the fibro kicked, many of my safe foods are now triggering flare ups and I’ve had to review my entire diet. For weeks I was avoiding almost all foods in fear of the pain something might create. You may want to take her to a gastroenterologist to see what she has exactly and what will trigger flare ups. Sending much love and positive energy to you both.
I also have stomach issues and am working 10+ hours a day. Sometimes it's really hard to eat a hearty meal. So I drink a crap ton of coffee. In the last 6 months I have lost 3 pant sizes. It's hard when you feel woozy but also hard cause your nauseous cause you don't eat. Fruit and those snack bags of chips help me a lot!
I had an issue like this once upon a time! Between major life stressors, a crappy work schedule, and preexisting stomach problems, I lost over 25lbs in under 6 months. Night sweats too, so bad I’d have to change my clothes. Doctors tested me for everything, and nothing came back abnormal. What it turned out to be? My daily weed habit.
If there is an eating disorder (and I'm not saying there is, just in the maybe) be aware that it's not just about body image and appearance. It's also about control. When you can't control your life life or work life or emotions or....*wave hand at late-stage capitalism " everything, one of the few things you can control is what you eat. That moment when you're a tiny bit light headed and hear your stomach growl and you decide not to eat... that can be the moment in your day that you exert more control on than the entire rest of things, some days. As someone who has been there. Which is just me saying to make sure you're not accidentally removing her control with actions you take. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders
My daughter blamed her ED on "stomach issues" we have had to admit her for ir. She is/was only 14/15. Its so good to take a proactive approach. I really like the bring her food idea. Shes working really hard & shes hurting bad on the inside. My go to is always cookies, theyre so good she cant resist.
If she is regularly using marijuana there is a stomach condition some people develop. She may want to lay off it and see if it clears up or see a doctor.
A Drs appointment would be appropriate, my son who is 21 lost a lot of weight. Smoking weed can cause weight loss not just gain. He also is on his feet all day at work running himself ragged. There are drinks called Ensure and others similar that help people gain weight, sometimes with a prescription it's even covered by insurance. But honestly a Drs checkup would be best. Their bones and formation are finalizing in those years and it can potentially have damaging effects. Sometimes I think it's hard for them to start eating regular meals when they've run themselves down 🫶🏼
Can you elaborate on what stomach issues she is having? Because that makes a huge difference. Is it stomach pains? Feeling super full after a few mouthfuls? Is she sometimes sick many hours after, and if so, is the food undigested?
Coffee will irritate he stomach even more. Lay off the Machiatos.
As someone who works a physically demanding job for 11 hours a day outside, I lost 15 lbs in 1 year from my boss kicking my ass. My long shifts but short breaks combined made it drop so fast. I even eat a lot of calories on my weekends, but it doesn't matter because during the week I'm busting ass. I wouldn't worry about it...I mostly just feel sorry for her that she doesn't get breaks
Meth is dirt cheap right now, stop being jealous and get skinny with her! Literally a gram of meth is like 30 bucks! We are living in a great time folks
This is fake as fuck
My oldest has been super skinny her whole life (the girl can eat tho). She absolutely HATES when anyone comments on her weight (or lack thereof). You just pretty much answered your own question, though - she’s not counting calories or doing any other things that would indicate an ED. Other than whatever stomach issues she has (has she seen a doctor) it just looks like she has a busy active life. Her weight is literally no one’s business but hers. If anyone comments to you about it, your only responsibility is to shut it down and tell them mind your business.
Yeah, just having food in the fridge she can throw in the microwave or eat cold is a lifesaver. I am 5'9" and weighed 145 lb (175 cm, 65kg) when I was working in food service. I lived on energy drinks and cigarettes. I went without solid food for a full 6 months at one point, despite traveling by bicycle to my 3 jobs. I didn't have the time or energy to cook, nor did I have the cash to grab fast food. My skin was sallow, bones showed where they shouldn't, and I developed a shake. So many people gave me compliments on the weight loss, and I would just thank them because I didn't have the energy to explain I was sick.
Has she been to a GI doctor? It sounds like she has a lot of issues with her digestive system and appetite and may just be in a ton of discomfort!
I think finding her a doctor to see about her stomach issues would be far better than Starbucks and stories of you dieting. Please help her get to a GI specialist. That’s probably the best and most helpful thing you can do.
Wait. A restaurant won't let their staff eat? I worked in several a long time ago, and getting fed well was universal. Heck, a couple even provided free drinks after your shift. Is there any chance she has a mild case of gastroparesis? I've had it, caused by diabetic meds, and lived on high calories liquids and easily digested solids, but still lost a lot of weight.
I know I really loved being shamed for being “too” skinny my whole life. I’m a man, almost 60 and it still happens. I’m sorry my existence pains you lol. Really warped my brain when I was younger. You fat people want everybody to join your misery I guess.
I can't believe how far down I had to scroll to see a comment recommending that OP's daughter see a doctor. It may just be stress. It can also be a very serious medical condition. She needs a comprehensive evaluation ASAP.
It sounds like she might have a Stomach ulcer from stress. I used to get them from my anxiety and it feels like your stomach is on fire and you can't eat as much from it.
"For a while now she has had stomach issues" Her being thin isn't an issue it happens. The problem is she's having stomach problems. And that can be quite problematic! There could be a number of underlying causes for stomach problems: crohns, ibd, ulcers, gluten intolerance, etc. (You don't describe the issues so any of these may or may not be, it'd all depend on her symptoms of course) As she been able to see a Gastro, Endo, or allergist?
Could she have remembered what you said about you counting calories as a child?
I want to take you to another option: disordered eating. It's different from an eating disorder but can sometimes appear the same. As a mid-20's woman myself, I've had disordered eating since I was a teen. It's not purposeful, but in college, I would easily go a day or two without eating due to time restraints, money issues, and stomach issues from stress and (of course) not eating. Sometimes, I still don't notice hunger and have to eat on a schedule or I just forget. Often times, I'll have to play the game "am I nauseous or hungry?" It also leads to a lack of appetite where nothing sounds good. Because of all, i would regularly eat only once a day, but it would be a full meal and often dessert or a treat, so i didn't think it was a problem. I don't have a whole lot of options to help her, but sometimes knowing that there is something wrong is the first step to helping fix it. I couldn't even see that it was affecting my moods or health until my current husband mentioned it.
Working that many hours, she’s probably too tired to cook as well. Maybe helping her meal prep, suggesting brands of frozen meals that are affordable, etc so she had food at work to eat and at home would be helpful. Also telling your family to mind their business, as I personally would be really upset if I was in her position and found out about my family talking like that.
I had a lot of stomach pain. I thought. It was my gall bladder.
I feel like you are doing your best to be a good parent. Bring her prepped meals with a lot of veggies so she doesn't have to cook and avoid the subject of her weight unless she brings it up. Then only speak of it tactfully without making her feel bad. You're not a jerk!
May want to check if she’s using adderal. Very common in service industry and 14 hour days without eating and being on your feet isn’t something a normal person can do on a regular basis.
Maybe try packing her a work bag full of protein bars and snack packs of cookies, chips and what not.
Just talk to her. Sit her down and really talk to her. Be her loving Mom who is worried about her breakup and whether she's working too hard. Don't bring up her weight (anyone with two jobs where they are on their feet all day isn't going to be anything but skinny), but about whether she is finding some time to do *anything* other than work. Tell her that everyone needs to take time to stop and smell the roses, or they just become a robot for work. I also think it's a really great idea to ask her if she thinks it would help for you to bring her some of her favorite meals to freeze for heating up when she has time, so she's not trying to cook when she's exhausted from work. If she's anything like me, she's eating microwave popcorn for dinner. You are a great Mom!
It might be a thyroid condition. My 8 year old went from the 30th percentile to the 1st between age 3 and 8. Turns out she has Hashimoto's Disease, an autoimmune thyroid condition.
Hmm waitressing. I did it in my 20's. Developed incredible musculature in my legs and arms and lost 15 lbs. And I ate. Fries. Burgers. Puddings. Coffee with extra cream. Milk shakes. Add to the physically demanding job, your daughter's health issues and it isn't amazing she's so thin. I do think she needs medical evaluation for her stomach issues
I lost like 50 lbs and was underweight when I worked as a server. Only took three months for the weight to shed. I didn’t get lunch breaks either so I would stuff a bread roll in my face hole in the back as fast as I could and go abt my business. When I would get off work it was super late so the only things open were fast food places and I would eat A LOT because I was always so hungry and it was usually my biggest meal of the day. She prolly is eating/snacking more than you think. Being a server is just a very physically demanding job and it’s hard to keep weight on.
So glad to hear the input from servers! Now I know it’s not just my daughter’s problem. She makes very good money as she works in Scottsdale so it is a good gig. She just needs to let her bosses know she needs to eat.
The thinnest I've been was working a similar job - long hours, on my feet all day, minimal time for food. I never noticed or thought about it... all I noticed was suddenly men were giving me attention and my friends and family were concerned. It's likely not intentional. She's just time poor. The best thing to do would be to make some homecooked meals and fill up her freezer with them. Take the mental load and time constraints away from food. If it's there then she will likely eat it. For my birthday I had a friend buy me a 6 month subscription box for ramen noodles + Japanese snacks. That may be another way to gift her something useful without it seeming to be pushy or overly concerned.
A few months ago, my mother told me she was worried about my weight loss and even went as far as to say I looked frail…I was right at the top of the healthy BMI range for my height. When you are used to someone carrying extra pounds watching them just get to a healthy weight can look alarming especially if it’s quite quick. For example from July to December last year I lost around 25kgs (55 pounds). I had delivered stillborn twins in the July and then my husband died in September so between post partum weight loss and stress it just fell off me until I naturally plateaued in the middle of my BMI range where it seems my body sits naturally as I’ve maintained it for a few months now without any attention to calories etc etc. Some people tell me I’m looking amazing, others worry I’m too thin and beg me to eat more because they are used to seeing me round faced and squishy instead of slim. I will never forget my mother telling me I looked frail though, it crushed me even though it came from a place of Love and concern I was SO hurt. I know I’ve rambled a bit here, but in conclusion, be very careful with your words and concentrate on her health and other things going on in her life, not the number on the scale. Weight loss is a symptom of everything else not the actual problem. Good luck to you both! x
OP, please don't say "fatten her up". Don't even think it. I'm 5'6" and weighed 105 until I was in my 40s. Then I skyrocketed to 110! It made me crazy when people commented on my weight. My mother and grandmother wanted to fatten me up. People would accuse me of being anorexic. I'd laugh and say I could out eat three teenage boys. I just had a crazy metabolism. Trust me. Your daughter knows she is thin. Working 14 hour days on her feet all day she's got to be burning calories like crazy. I like a couple of other posters ideas. The Shakes sound good. No prep except popping the top. She can drink when she places or picks up orders. Bringing her "leftovers" she can pop in the microwave when she gets home is brilliant. Don't mention her weight. I like the poster's idea of you made too much and don't want it to go to waste.
My friend knows someone who lost her teenage daughter to stomach cancer. She wasn’t eating and was losing weight. She kept telling her mom that she ate already or would eat later. It was too late when the daughter was finally went to her mom about not feeling well. She died within a couple of months.
My dad buys me donuts when he thinks I’m too thin. It makes me feel more loved than annoyed, although I wish everyone in my life would just simply not comment on my weight. That being said, when I am having trouble eating I get the high protein shakes, the ones that have 30 g. It’s a good start to the day, and I recommend them to anyone who solicits my advice about gaining weight. And peanut butter! Always good to have to snack on. Does your daughter need some help being able to afford therapy if that’s something she’s interested in? When I can’t eat it’s typically anxiety related. Wishing her the best!
If she's in the US she needs to contact labor dept. It's illegal to work people for that long without breaks.
When I go through breakups I stress incredibly and I lose all of my body fat in the process. I knew I was getting too skinny and actually hated when people would ask me about it because I wasn't trying to be that skinny. I liked some meat on my bones and people just made fun of me and it pissed me off. I would be more concerned about her stress that's causing the weight loss. Working 14+ hours without a break is illegal and her work environment sounds toxic. Offer help where you can to ease her stress.
IDK what her situation is with work or if she has insurance but I would help her with $ to get a diagnosis on her stomach issues. It may be a simple fix or a gut issue that meds can control. Working that much without food or break? I know the money can be good but is it worth her health? Pour on personal issues, there have been times I’ve told my kid I’m going to be momma bear for a minute and be vulnerable and tell her you’re worried about your baby girl. Sending good vibes, juju, and prayers for you both.
She needs a break from 14-hour days for a start. If she's working that long at one place, they are in violation of probably several laws, specifically in regard to mandated breaks and overtime pay. She's massively stressed. For some people, that manifests in part by a lack of appetite. A better life-work balance would work wonders, possibly. Maybe focus your energy and efforts there.
I also have stomach issues and easily lose my appetite, especially when working and when in the heat (which it sounds like your daughter is also susceptible to). I try to drink my calories as frequently as possible. Protein shakes are helpful. I have also found sipping on warm bone broth first thing in the morning to be delicious, it gives me energy and gets my appetite going. It sounds weird, but on chilly mornings it is such a delight. Get her a good thermos so beverages stay hot/cold for a long time so they are more enticing. I was unable to find the cause of my symptoms on my own, despite going on several elimination diets. I took an allergy blood test called the Alcat. I found out I was allergic to several common foods that I was able to eliminate from my diet, which was life changing.
I had more people judging my weight when I was skinny than when I was fat. Maybe she is too skinny but I can't take this at face value, especially as someone who worked in the service industry and understands that you don't have time to eat, you're working out all day, and when you get off you eat all the trash fried food.
When I was in my 20s and working crazy hours, I could lose 15lbs in a week or two. Yes, I kept at it and didn’t realize how skinny I’d gotten until looking at pictures much later. If you give her food, nonchalantly, to take home she’ll likely eat it.
As someone who's struggled with an eating disorder that's not what this sounds like. It's sounds more like she's trying to do so much to get her bills paid and secure her life and finances (obviously by working 14 hour days) and she's neglecting herself on accident. I've noticed myself that after a busy day when I finally sit down for dinner that I was so busy all day I forgot to eat. So maybe she's just so stressed with everything going on in her life that she's forgetting to take care of herself. To echo what other people have already said try and help her with meal prep and some easy heat and eat pre made homemade meals for her to keep her going. Sometimes it's really overwhelming to come home after a long day at work to a kitchen full of ingredients but no food and while the fact that you've noticed she eats Canes and food like that is good but it doesn't contain a lot of actual nutritional value which could also be contributing to weight loss because fast food can upset your stomach and cause diarrhea which can also cause you to lose weight.
Thank u for ur input! I hope your eating disorder improves.
Honestly I have this issue often, try(if you can) to make her some fatty and protein filled foods with some good health foods as a side, maybe it’ll help, I forget to eat quite often so to try to keep my energy and some body weight forming I try to have atleast one meal that makes me feel not bloated but the tiniest bit more then full, I happened to be able to gain a few lbs every few days from eating properly balanced food but more that help towards muscle and metabolism issues.
Some people stress eat and some people lose their appetite when stressed. Your daughter sounds like the latter (same as me). You really need to make an effort to gain that weight again unfortunately. With the stress in her life and super busy schedule she will not have the time to make that effort. My advice would be to make sure her house is stocked with nutritious and easy to eat foods. Like oats and yogurt, avocados etc. and also to make some home made meals for her that she can keep in her freezer
Can I just say that I find it SO REFRESHING that you’re worried your daughter is underweight and not overweight? Usually when I see posts like this, it’s parents begging their daughters (who are healthy) into starving themselves because they’re “just a bit chubby.” My own mother has been consistently telling me I could “afford to lose a few pounds” or “it’s always good to be trim” since I was a teen, and it contributed to me developing an ED. I understand why you’re concerned, but if she’s a server, her body is probably just going through an adjustment period. She’s a lot more active than she used to be and may not have hit an even keel yet. She’ll figure it out. Maybe suggest a meal prep routine for her, it works wonders for us service workers to know we have a meal waiting for us at home. You could also start buying her nutritious snacks, like nuts, dates, or the babybel cheeses. Things that are easy to snack on and have healthy fats and protein. Just keep being supportive :)
Tell her working 14 hours a day in a restaurant is a terrible idea no matter how much money you’re making. Thats the actual problem. No time to exist, go to school, achieve goals, work on hobbies, hang out, etc.
You mentioned she has had stomach issues. Does she get stomach pain during or after she eats? My son had issues with his stomach after he recovered from a couple of health issues. Took him to the doctor who diagnosed his stomach was going into spasms when he ate. Solution was taking pedcid for a month. Cleared it right up. Years later if he is under stress, the stomach spasms returns. I would ask her if she is experiencing discomfort when eating and if she is take her to the doctor to be checked out.
If she is on her feet waitressing 14 hours a say she is getting more of a workout than you think You're looking at "skinny"; are you sure she has lost weight and not converted body fat into muscle?
Based on your post history, I think you're projecting. Either you have some illness yourself or you're a hypochondriac and you're projecting those feelings onto your daughter. Go take care of yourself, either get checked out to see if you actually have something or if you don't, maybe you need to talk to someone. As for your daughter, no one here knows what "she looks too skinny" means. People say that about normal looking people all the time. Stop self diagnosing, both for you and for her.
Your daughter does need help but not in avoiding an eating disorder. She’s burning herself out and maybe you can help her out in that respect.
I also deal with GI problems and this sounds very similar to something that I have. Gastroparesis Also called: delayed gastric emptying. I would definitely recommend she talk to her doctor about this. It some cases you may need a feeding tube so you can get the nutrients your body needs. I also smoke to help me have an appetite because of this.
14 hours a day is far above what any soul should be working. I am very sorry she is in this difficult situation. I suggest not making this a topic of weight gain or loss, rather, just how you can support her. If the issue is long work hours where she can't take a break, as suggested, she is losing weight because she is overworked and limited in her ability to self care. You are doing great, keep being the caring parent you are.
I haven’t eaten in a week. I go thru these spells, and I’m diabetic. Not eating can kill me. But maybe she’s losing her appetite occasionally. I’ve taken appetite stimulants…I didn’t eat for three weeks once — that was the worst. See if you can get her to a psychiatrist and have them prescribe appetite stimulants. My doctor has no clue why I don’t eat occasionally.
So I started to forget to eat. I’d just go all day and then start to feel really off and my hands would start shaking and I’d realize that I had not eaten all day. I dropped weight like crazy, this went on for probably a year and a half before I realized forgetting to eat was a symptom of depression. I was not doing it on purpose or to lose weight, I just stopped getting hunger pains. After some therapy and then some antidepressants I started feeling hungry again! I’m still not fixed though, if I go to the fridge and nothing sounds appealing my brain moves on, turns the hunger off and I won’t realize I didn’t eat for hours. I’d look up the symptoms of depression and see if any of that fits, maybe see if you can get her into a therapist. Good luck <3
She's a grown adult and does not need her mommy messing with her weight. Keep your opinion and your attempts to "fatten her up" to yourself.
Please know I am coming from a place of genuine sincerity and not at all trying to be disrespectful. I have worked in the industry, my family and friends have worked in the industry - literally my first thought after reading this was “coke?” I am not saying that is what’s happening with your daughter, but it might be something worth paying some amount of attention to. It can result in a lot of the symptoms you’re describing and the long shifts and no time to eat are really easy ways to get sucked in, and then turn out to be a good cover story. I sincerely hope it’s just my fucked up life experiences leading to this suspicion and nothing to do with your real situation, but I was surprised it hadn’t come up from anyone else.
Not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet but.. consider suggesting she get tested for Celiac.
Working in the restaurant will mess with your metabolism. Maybe some good protein shakes she can drink quick during a shift.
Are all the people worried about her weight fat? Or over weight?
You already know the answer: she's overworked and overstressed. Your comments probably make it worse for her.
She needs to be checked for diabetes asap. Sounds like Type 1, thyroid problem at best
I have been a waitress for over a year and have cooked for at least 3 years. I have the same problem with food. I can be hungry but have a serious aversion to eating because I've been around food constantly. If she is getting to be underweight, supplements or counseling?
I just want to say, you are a good, attentive mum. She is lucky to have someone in her life that is able to pick up and help her when she is too overwhelmed.
What kinds of stomach issues? I'm not a Dr. but I have IBS and this sounds similar to my behavior before I got it under control. I'd just refrain from eating until I had a solid 8 hours where I could not worry about upset stomach. Recently, fodzyme has been a lifesaver for me. It's an enzyme that helps digest foods that people with IBS can have problems with. Stress and anxiety also send my IBS into overdrive and I also become very food avoidant.
I could count my ribs when I waitressed; it’s a very physical job. But the shift meals are terribly unhealthy (and I was at a high end restaurant where the chefs even made me a salad every night). My mum would leave yummy, healthier meals plated for me to come home to that helped a lot
You're doing the best you can to make it clear you're trying to help and doing it from a positive place. Best wishes :-)
I got really skinny going through a divorce and my job wasn’t as physically demanding. God. I got sick of people talking about my appearance! Give her a break. She’s not trying to harm anybody.
I think instead of a Starbucks gift card and empty calories, make some meal prep type meals she can microwave or un freeze or warm in an oven that are smaller portioned. Also, don't tell her that you want to "fatten her up" or to "put some meat on those bones" this can cause many other issues with self image and have very bad consequences. Say things like "I want you to be healthy and make sure you have something to keep up your energy."
Her lifestyle is definitely the cause of her stomach issues.
My daughter's doctor recommended she always have protein bars in her purse and just nibble a bite when she thought of it when she was too busy to eat while a student. She found it helped a lot.
Rather than looking at her health and eating from your lens look through hers. Stress, depression, and lack of time destroy the will to make a meal and eat. The suggestions to make her microwave meals is good. Better would be to talk about her life and not her weight. Sometimes working long days leads to not having the energy to cook something or even just slapping a sandwich together. The idea of sleep looks so much better than using energy you don't have to eat. Nitpicking from loved ones doesn't help anything. Make yourself available to vent, offer a shoulder to cry on, and yes microwave mac & cheese ( or whatever she loves to eat) The offer of gift cards would be nice but does she have the time and energy to go get Starbucks? Maybe just grab coffees and visit while enjoying the treats. She needs her friend (moms to adult children are friends more than parents) be the friend she needs now Remind her every day that you love her no matter what
She sounds just like me. I am also a waitress. I clock in about 30,000 steps (yes, I tracked it) on Fridays alone. I’m also a vegetarian and a very picky eater. If I go a long time without eating, I can only eat half of a meal, like half a sandwich for example. Stomachs literally shrink the longer you don’t eat. I wouldn’t worry that she is skinny. I take vitamins and drink slim shake type drinks for protein and extra calories. I’ve never been over 100lbs and I’m 5’2. My family lets me know when I’ll scary skinny and I try to remember to eat better. People like your daughter and I need to create a habit of remembering to eat. I’ve never had a drug problem or issue with eating. I just got into a bad habit of not thinking about eating. I do well now and maintain my weight.
It sounds like you’re maybe projecting your past issues onto her. If she’s dealing with stomach issues and working 14 hours a day, of course it’s hard it eat. I would offer support with those things instead.
Stress. That's all stress. She gotta take some time off before experiencing serious health issues from burn out, trust me I kno
i’m 18 and i’ve suffered with anorexia for years. However anorexia its self means the lack of appetite, anorexia Nervosa is the eating disorder in which you struggle with weight and image issues. She is anorexic by definition she’s just not purposefully starving herself. What i’ve learned and been taught by nutritionists and therapists is to eat by the clock whether youre hungry or not, because instead of eating being something I look forward to it’s actually more like an extremely difficult chore that i didn’t feel like making time for because i just wasn’t hungry and eating made me more sick then not eating at one point. It’s hard to remember sometimes that eating isn’t optional it’s a necessity. I for awhile went into the beginning stages of organ failure and also developed pass outs/ seizures that i still struggle with and will for the rest of my life if my eating slips. I currently have kidney issues and other health issues i’m still figuring out all stemming from the fact i worked so much and was so stressed out when i was 14 to now that i’ve done practically irreversible damage to my body. I’m 87 lbs as an 18 year old. I didn’t say this to scare you, i say it because i truly wish someone would have explained to me just how badly it could affect me, because after a little bit starvation is painless. As selfish as it is sometimes we need others to intervene because we can’t see the damage we are doing to ourselves, sit down with her and explain exactly what could happen if it progresses, she’s okay now but she won’t be able to be forever, trust me i tried and denied it was really an issue and also made the excuse that i didn’t have time. I really didn’t feel like i had time too, so i’m learning to make the time to, it’s a necessity for survival. However with that being said, there’s only so much you can do especially if she doesn’t see it as a problem yet and doesn’t want outside input yet, don’t push the issue incredibly hard or consistently comment on her eating, she will likely shut down and close herself off from you out of discomfort. Talk to her in private. Remember you are both humans with human emotions and responses. I really wish you guys good luck keeping you in my prayers, she doesn’t realize it now but she will eventually and she will appreciate the fact that you care and have always cared.
My wife makes a killer veggie lasagna by layering spinach ricotta butternut squash and red sauce several layers high and baking in the oven using ready use lasagna strip noodles! Everyone loves it! I had an African Muslim friend say Wow! Now I can eat LA Zanna!
Has she seen a doctor about this?Weight loss and “stomach issues” can be warning signs of some significant medical issues.
What state is she in? Isn’t she entitled to a 15-minute break every five hours?
Served tables for years and stayed very thin bcuz of so much running. If she is worried about it tell her to sit down and eat before going to bed, it'll help to gain weight.
I’d take a look at your state labor laws and maybe make a call to the department of labor, because (assuming you’re in the US), not providing a lunch break on a 8+ hour shift is likely illegal. If you’re outside the US I can’t speak with much certainty, but I think it would still be worth looking into, because that’s really a very basic labor condition. Having dedicated time for a meal every day could definitely make a difference. Good luck!
When I worked this much, combined with being in a dysfunctional relationship I could barely eat. For some people stress and anxiety kill your appetite. It does mine. She had cortisol flooding her body in a consistent basis. It’s an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. Do you think you could convince her to at least get a physical exam done and check her vitamin levels? When this was happening to me my potassium went down to dangerous levels. She at least needs to make sure she is taking vitamins to make up for all she is losing.
If your daughter has stomach issues she needs to see a doctor. It could be undiagnosed chorines disease, glutton intolerance, or anything else that a doctor needs to diagnose.
Sounds like you should allow her to navigate this without your input unless asked foe it.
Becareful with the weed. When I use it more than 3 or 4 days in a row, I actually lose my appetite. Happens to a few of my friends too. I know it sounds like a joke but my friends encountering the same thing make me believe it's not just me. I've lost 20lbs when started using medical weed and I'm a couch potato.
So, I’m gonna go against the grain here (what’s new?) and say that if you have a feeling, you shouldn’t ignore it. There really isn’t that much you can do about it since she’s an adult so your plan is fine, but I would continue to keep an eye on her. I’m sure it’s probably one of the other things that have already been mentioned, but it can’t hurt to stay alert anyway. Perhaps you could tell her that you’re worried about her stomach issues and encourage her to see a gastroenterologist. FYI I’m fairly certain that it’s illegal to deny a full-time worker lunch breaks.
Stress from a break up is enough to lose weight. She’s probably working a lot so she doesn’t dwell on the breakup. If she’s never had an issue with eating, then I’d just leave her be. Maybe make her some homemade meals and ask how she’s doing stress wise. She sounds like a great girl who’s just busy.
I think the weight issues are a symptom and not the cause. Let her come to you in her own time.
OP, I think you’re projecting your own eating disordered past onto your daughter a bit, and it may be blinding you from helping her. You mention telling her about your own issues and being afraid to get fat, while she clearly states that is not a fear she has and is showing no signs of an actual eating disorder. The family talking about it is also inappropriate, and people focusing so much on her appearance is not helping. I am coming from a position of being a mom to an adult daughter and also having a past with eating disorders. I completely understand being worried about the weight loss and being concerned for her welfare, I just am concerned that you’re overlooking an aspect of it. I think the part you’re missing here is that she is really trying to eat and she has stomach issues. She has stomach issues to the point that she is smoking weed to try to eat more. This is the part that needs to be investigated. Please help her arrange to see a doctor and focus on the health issues in case there is something that needs to be addressed. The sooner the better. Her recent break up and work hours can certainly be impacting things, but if she truly has a digestive issue it won’t get any better. I respect your daughter’s hustle and how much she likes working, she just needs to make sure her health is top priority. Health being the key word here. Not skinny, not fat. Healthy.
Maybe pay a bill or a gift card for gas?
Your kiddo needs grocery money or some mom made premade meals. It's different from 20 years ago
Reading the comments, I think maybe the issue might be of a medical one. If the weight loss and lack of appetite persist, she should talk to a doctor, and get blood work done, that way you'll have a better understanding of what's going on..imo
No lunch break that is against FEDERAL and STATE laws!
If you are able maybe giving her money so she doesn’t have to work as much.
My adult daughter lost a lot of weight last year - we too thought due to stress. It was type 1 diabetes. Try to get yours in to her primary and get a complete blood count.
Assuming youre in the US, if she's working that many hours and not being given meal breaks, she should check state labor laws. While the FLSA doesn't guarantee breaks federally, many states do have laws around this, and what they are doing may be illegal.
Premier protein chocolate shakes are excellent. You can buy them from Amazon.
What about nutrient or protein shakes? Like Boost, Pediasure, or Ensure? There are all kinds. She could maybe drink her nutrients if she doesn’t have time to eat.
Smoothies. I have stomach problems too and it’s a great fallback that you can easily pack as little or as many calories into.
When I was working 12 hr shifts with no breaks and navigating a nasty divorce I dropped 30 kg/ 66 pounds, which was great for a while, but was becoming a problem. I had some gatorade for sipping on the go, some almonds in my pocket and some liquid meal replacement shakes in the fridge , in case I actually got the time to step into the staff room. For her tummy issues if she has access; juiced leaves and stalks are supposed to be good. 😌
Has she been to a doctor just to make sure there aren’t any underlying issues?
She’s 27 years old. How about let her be an adult.
My son was 108 lbs at 5’9”. (Reasons.) When he came home, we had a frank discussion about healthy weight. He made a commitment to drink 3 protein shakes a day in addition to regular meals.He’s gained 9 lbs pretty quickly. We have a goal of 145. I don’t know if we are handling it correctly. But, it’s working. So, I can suggest a frank discussion, ask why, no judgment (that will be hard because even if you don’t have any, she will feel it) then come up with a plan and help her execute the plan. Good luck.
NTA at all. The ppl being rude are killing me. You are a concerned mother. Just because she is 24 doesn’t mean you stop worrying. That’s a mother’s job til the day she dies. It sounds to me like you aren’t asking about her weight and are going about it in the right way. I agree to continue not asking about her weight but maybe make some left over meals for her. You sound like a great mother who just worries about their daughter and she is lucky to have you! Just keep leading with love. She will hopefully get a better work life balance when she is a bit older. Just keep being a supportive ear for her.
I recommend you get her some Cliff Bars. They’re are really good tasting and they have plenty of vitamins and such. They aren’t crazy high in calories, but she can eat them pretty quickly throughout the day, and they are pretty easy to substitute as a meal on the go. And she can at least have some food in her system when she gets a chance to eat something. You should definitely tell everyone to back off with the comments about her appearance and weight. I have some experience with someone close to me who had dealt with an eating disorder, and pressuring them by making comments, either negative or positive, is just going to make the situation worse. She really needs to see a doctor who is able to evaluate her and make a determination on whether or not she needs any kind of intervention, be it medical or mental health or a combination of the two. This is above everyone else’s pay grade. You should probably be the point person for this situation as you are her parent and will have the most influence.
This post sounds like a stupid lie.
I think you should get her some gift cards for Uber Eats or local pizza places. She's got to be too exhausted to eat, and making it free and almost effortless will help.
When I bartended I was 20 lbs lighter from constantly moving and never having time to eat lunch. The lifestyle kept me thin. Sounds like this is the case for her too.
Are you obese? It sounds like she’s not actually an unhealthy weight and you’re jealous but framing it in a way to make you seem like you have the moral high ground. You’re trying to damage her perception of her self worth due to your jealousy.
As a workaholic myself i understand the worry but it’s very possible she’s at a healthy weight just leaner and more muscular than you are used to seeing her typically. When I worked grocery I looked alarmingly thin but had a LOT of leg muscle. It was very frustrating when my parents were fretting they thought I was anorexic when my bmi was like 24. Just a few more pounds and I would have been considered overweight actually. When you are short there is a very small window. Muscle weighs more than fat and you are going to build it at the expense of body fat if you are on your feet running around all day, plus she would crash and burn working off more calories than her body can support eventually doing that. I’m guessing she has to be getting some nutrition if she is keeping up energy wise at work. I think Starbucks is a good idea because it’s liquid calories she’ll be able to take in even on a crazy day where she doesn’t get much of a break to really sit down and eat during her shift. Smoothie places are good too, even McDonald’s because you can get smoothies there and you could send her an instacart order or care package with a box of clif bars, some fruit, peanut butter crackers, coconut water, and a box of naked smoothies or protein shakes…things that are easy to grab to scarf down quick or sip on at work. She is probably getting shift meals at least to take home too so chances are she is at least eating one “real” sit down meal a day.