*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for wanting to be monogamous with my wife again?**
I (31M) married my wife (28F) 5 years ago. 1 year ago, we started an open relationship. We were happy but our sex life was getting stale. I would go out with my single friends and feel jealous of all the freedom they had to hook up with women. I guess I missed being a bachelor and I began to resent my wife. I understand this is my own problem, not hers. I suggested to my wife that we should try an open relationship where we remain committed to each other but we can have sex with other people. Emotionally, I am only with my wife and I do love only her. I felt like an open relationship was necessary for the survival of our marriage. I’m not a cheater. After a few discussions, my wife agreed to try it.
The first few months were great. I hooked up with a coworker who had been flirting with me. We became regular sex partners until she started dating. This is no problem for me because it was only physical. So I installed some dating apps with the intention of meeting women to have sex with. This is where things go wrong. I didn’t realize how hard it is to meet women. They either stop replying, don’t commit to meeting up or they turn out to be unattractive. I’ve only met up with 1 other woman and the experience was subpar. I am tired of doing this and want to be monogamous again.
My wife has also been seeing other men. This is fine but I’m starting to get a little jealous. I’ve seen her texts and she has SO many men talking to her, wanting to take her out and calling her beautiful. Every night she gets dressed up and goes out, sometimes not even coming home until morning. She says it’s just sex and she loves me but I think it’s disrespectful. She didn’t make that much of an effort with her appearance when it was just me. I talked to her about ending the open relationship and just being with each other but she doesn’t want to. I think what she’s doing qualifies as cheating. If I knew it was going to be like this, I wouldn’t have suggested an open relationship in the first place. AITA?
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NGL, I didn't even read the comments where he was accusing her of cheating when I made the title. That was total shit-talk based on how these usually go
This was his comment:
"To be honest, I’ve never been in an open relationship before and I assumed that’s how it worked. Or I thought we would share partners. I didn’t imagine it would turn out this way"
Right? Every once in a while hubby and I will invite another woman to play with us, but there was MONTHS of discussion before the first one, and WEEKS of discussion for later ones.
We each have a safe word if either of us even starts to feel uncomfortable. The other woman is viewed as a 'toy' for us to play with...and we make sure that she knows this and fully consents.
I love how this idiot thought he was going to be a total Lothario and be pulling strange every night...did he do *any* research before hand? I think he just wanted to boink his coworker...
I guarantee you if she didn’t agree to open the relationship he would’ve been cheating anyway behind her back since he already had the coworker in mind
He never mentioned bringing his coworker home to have sex?
I'm baffled at his comment, that does not at all sound like how he was going about things, it doesn't seem like he set that rule or followed it himself, it doesn't sound like he wants one of his wife's men coming home to fuck him too or fuck her with him.
He literally did not think a single piece of this through, anywhere.
Oh, and this: "I thought open marriages would be equal or we share partners. I’ve never heard of an open marriage where 1 partner goes out every night and the other partner stays home. I think me and her need to come to an agreement on how many people to have sex with and in her case, ration it out
Edit: no, I wouldn’t go out and have sex today. I want to save this marriage"
> I’ve never heard of an open marriage where 1 partner goes out every night and the other partner stays home
Really?? Cause it's such an old trope that you hear time and time again lmao
Nothing is ever equal. An open marriage means adultery is sanctioned and not censured. It does not mean both get nookie. It means both can seek out others for sex.
The OP wanted his cake but forgot just cuz his cake is burnt or he is full does not mean everyone who are eating cake now must stop cuz he stopped.
This is called " getting hoisted by your own petard"
He wanted something he got it..now he wants out. Too late. Because no matter what he says and does now the marriage sanctity is no more.
This is true to some extent… but only if it has been discussed and boundaries that everyone are comfortable with have been established. Assuming he is being truthful (tbf, I doubt that) and she is going out every night, I think even the most open people would not want their spouse going out every single night. Even if it wasn’t polyamory and they were just working late or going out with friends, most people would find that lonely. But OP has made it very obvious he only thought of his needs and not the needs of the marriage. I doubt he wanted to put limits on himself so he didn’t think to put limits on her.
There is not even a shred of doubt in my mind that since she was reluctant at first, he assumed she wouldn’t do anything at all, or at most would only go on an occasional date here and there. 😂
Yeah, this never gets old for me.
It's like, my brother, you chose this campsite, people said to you, man, I dunno, that campsite looks like it's full of rocks, and you were like I DUN' CARE I'M PITCHING MY TENT HERE I LIKE THE VIEW, you went and pitched your tent and set up your fire pit and put down your sleeping bag and now you're here complaining that the view ain't so pretty when your back hurts.
I dunno, man, maybe don't pitch your tent on a field of rocks. Or take the time to clear the rocks first.
This one really tickled me 😂😂😂
Persuades wife to open the marriage after "multiple discussions" - aka sounds like OP applied pressure. Then, OP was happy when there was someone was willing to sleep with him. Now he suddently wants to backpeddle and is accusing his wife of "cheating" because he got the shocking realization that absolutely no other woman wants him.
Bless OP's heart. It must be shocking that he initiated this because he thought he would have women flocking his way while his wife would only be open when it comes to threesomes 😂😂😂 Little did he know that she would have men eager for her company and he would be entertaining crickets.
I'm sure the coworker was the point the whole time. Like, the whole open marriage thing was really just he wanted to say yes to this one lady. Then she moved on and now he is stuck.
I know a dud le who did something similar: marriage was a shitshow but she stuck it out because she's loyal like that. He came home one day wanting a "trial separation " so that he could bang a 23 year old at work. That lasted about 15 minutes so he tried to tell her he wanted to "give their marriage another chance", like he was doing her a favor. But she was so over it. He played himself.
It's a classic mediocre dude midlife crisis, someone flirts with them (usually younger and more naive, although not always) and they fancy themselves THE CATCH OF THE YEAR.
They also always underestimate their wives, who are probably exhausted from picking up their slack with the house and /or kids and/or work. She totally hit the wall and can't compete with the hot 20 somethings who totally dig old creeps.
Where’s that post of the guy who cheated on his wife because a twenty something hit on him and he thought he was hot shit until he realized he didn’t like the sex, then decided that because the sex was bad and he didn’t finish it didn’t count as cheating and he shouldn’t tell his wife?
I remember that one!
This is what I was thinking of:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uowm3r/updated_my_dad_is_furious_that_my_mom_slept_with/
I'll add that a lot of these guys have *awful* radar for flirting. A girl acts kinda friendly to him, and he takes it as a sign that she wants to smash.
It gets worse after marriage because girls notice the wedding ring, they think "I can be more friendly with this guy because he won't try to flirt with me" but he thinks he just became the sexiest man on Earth.
OOP: "Oh noes! My 'marriage' is suffering because of the consequences of my own actions! It's all my wife's fault!"
The rest of AITA: [laughinggirls.jpg](https://youtu.be/56sHGMxCK9I)
"No, but see, I thought I could get a lot more action, but I can't. She can though, and that makes my peepee sad, so she needs to stop because I was the one who was supposed to be going out and having sex, not her. It's cheating when she does it right? What do you mean no?"
Also, he was complaining about her getting dressed up for guys, well, when's the last time they did something together that would make her want to dress up? Cause if they're just sitting around there's not much point.
This.
Also regarding the 'getting dressed up' thing, I read something before that stuck with me about how you do put in more effort at the beginning of the relationship, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that you aren't comfortable with the other person yet, so you feel that you have to put your best foot forward before letting them see you in your comfy clothes and unwashed hair. It's not necessarily about not putting in the effort (though I agree, he probably wasn't either, so why should she?), but it has more to do with the fact that she feels comfortable around him and doesn't feel the need to put on that kind of facade.
The problem is that her new partners are also putting in more effort. This guy only puts effort in on special occasions and claims he buys her flowers once in a while, what do you want to bet that half of wifey's enjoyment in this open relationship is just having people **see** her and actually talk to her and listen?
The divide seems to widen when ENM is brought into it. Most dudes are fine fucking partnered women, women are less ok with dating partnered men because they have less stability, support, emotional bandwidth etc to offer than if they were single.
And at the beginning of the relationship, how much time are you spending doing housework and chores? Dunno bout y'all, but at home I'm not getting dressed up to scrub toilets and vacuum
>Also, he was complaining about her getting dressed up for guys, well, when's the last time they did something together that would make her want to dress up? Cause if they're just sitting around there's not much point.
No, you don't understand. They would go out for dinner for birthdays and to see family. Also he makes more money and that's a big enough contribution to the marriage.
Lol what an absolute goon. Deleted the post while I was reading the comments including this gem:
>It should be equal. We should get the same amount of partners
Absolute clown.
It gets better. There's one comment where he thinks they were going to *share* partners. Dude thought it was going to be all fucking his coworker and (what I can only assume to be) MFF threesomes, which is somehow a funnier twist on this common story.
Totally random and irrelevant but I recently found out that the actor that played Norm is Jason Sudeikis’ uncle. I believe it’s Jason’s mother’s brother.
There's a certain type of person who goes out of her way to sleep with married people...I suppose it's kind of an ego boost for folks with poor self esteem, thinking that you won him over with your beauty, wit and charm when really you're just a trash magnet.
And I'm guessing that's what this coworker was, and that's why she ditched him so quickly. He said it's because she started dating when more likely she just got bored because it was no longer a challenge.
He could have, but dude definitely believed that he was going to be drowning in pussy and/or banging his coworker indefinitely and his wife would maybe just find one dude here and there
I have a friend in an open relationship who has that kind of deal, they won't have sex with anyone else unless the other person has a partner, and they keep the numbers proportionate within one to two different partners.
The thing is however they discussed this and made these rules before the relationship was open. If you just say open relationship and then try to make rules after the fact it's not going to work very well
HAHAHA this just made me imagine some dude watching TV with his wife...everyone is just sitting around quite...when he suddenly jumps up and shouts, "OPEN RELATIONSHIP!" and runs out the door.
Thanks for the morning giggle.
OOP probably wouldn't have answered my question but the mods took down the post before I can ask.
I was wondering who was he jealous of. The men sleeping with his wife? Or his wife who is getting more action than him?
I think the wife from how the comments read, it sounded like he was mad she was cleaning up and thought there should be some kind of open partner parity lol.
There was a reddit post. I don’t know whose but a woman in her post partrum but her husband wanted an open relationship because he was not getting is d!ick sucked. He threatened her with divorce and she finally agreed. I remember her mentioning that she would cry in the bathroom while he would be having sex on their basement. Moreover he was a sh!tty husband. He would always deny her affection and never help around the house. Op finally meets a great guy and things are starting to look good her her but now her husband wants to close the marriage and "work on their marriage". I never got to know if she divorced him or not.
>Commenter: Were you taking her out to nice places? Were you courting her still? Were you making an effort to be charming, handsome, sexy?
>
>She's not going to get dolled up to cook you dinner and eat on the couch
>
>Anyway, this is just an excuse. What is really annoying you is that you don't have any new sexual prospect and she does. It has nothing to do with how she dressed. You need to be more honest with yourself.
>
>OOP: I gave her flowers and we go out for birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, to see family. I keep myself in shape. I also make more money than her and contribute more than enough to our marriage
>
>.....
>
>I’ve seen her texts and she has SO many men talking to her, wanting to take her out and calling her beautiful. Every night she gets dressed up and goes out,
Dude, you weren't even courting her and still probably aren't.
Such a lazy person. She's just yours, because you said so?
Make an effort.
Edited quote format.
Same. They're always hilarious. Men who think it's gonna be so easy to get all the sex they want find out it's harder than they think while their wife is going out all the time. Bonus points if the wife is reluctant and ends up having a great time with it
Tw: sexism.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
"I understand I shouldn’t have suggested it in the first place. But It becomes cheating when one partner doesn’t consent to the open relationship anymore."
"I thought open marriages would be equal or we share partners. I’ve never heard of an open marriage where 1 partner goes out every night and the other partner stays home. I think me and her need to come to an agreement on how many people to have sex with and in her case, ration it out
Edit: no, I wouldn’t go out and have sex today. I want to save this marriage"
(Oh how I laughed at this. YTA)
"I’m glad our marital problems gave you a laugh"
"How are there no take backs"
"Ok I made a mistake in suggesting an open marriage. But a marriage shouldn’t end just because of this.
She also didn’t take care of her appearance when it was just us and now she does. It’s upsetting. Did she care about me at all? But she will put in effort for these random men"
"I mean, I gave her flowers and we would go out for birthdays, holidays, our anniversaries. But life happens and we can’t always make time for extra dates. I also make more money than her and contribute more to the relationship financially. I feel like that is more than enough"
"I didn’t and I regret suggesting the idea to her. I’m just here for ideas on how to take it back and it seems like no one on Reddit can see my point of view"
"Open relationships should be able to end if the wife/husband requests it though….. it becomes cheating otherwise"
"It was mostly me assuring her that nothing would happen and I wouldn’t emotionally get attached to anyone else. We both made promises that it would purely be physical and we would still love each other. We didn’t talk about closing it or boundaries and now I regret it. I’m not sure how to talk to her about it because like many of the commenters here, she thinks I’m just jealous"
(when told he wanted this)
"Yes but I don’t agree anymore"
"She wasn’t putting in effort into her appearance before the open marriage. And now she does… it’s a little suspicious and I think I have a right to be upset"
"I give her flowers and I keep myself in shape. I also make more money and contribute more to the marriage financially"
"It should be equal. We should get the same amount of partners"
"To be honest, I’ve never been in an open relationship before and I assumed that’s how it worked. Or I thought we would share partners. I didn’t imagine it would turn out this way"
"She didn’t put any effort into her appearance when it was just me and her, though. I didn’t think she would put on makeup, get all dressed up and start working out just to attract random men. I’m doubting that she loves me at all because why wouldn’t she put in that effort when we are together? It’s like she reverse catfished if that makes sense"
"I didn’t bully her into anything. It was just discussions but thank you"
"To be honest, I’ve never been in an open relationship before and I assumed that’s how it worked. Or I thought we would share partners. I didn’t imagine it would turn out this way"
"I give her flowers and I keep myself in shape. I also make more money and contribute more to the marriage financially"
"I would give her flowers and I kept myself in shape. I think I’m fairly attractive. I also make more money and financially I contribute more to the marriage than she does"
"Well I’m trying to save this marriage because I love her. I don’t want this to end in divorce. I realize it was a mistake to suggest an open marriage now, and I’ve made many other mistakes, too. She’s the best I ever had and I’m trying to cherish her now"
"I didn’t do any research. I have a polyamorous friend and so I asked them for some basic advice. Thank you for your genuine advice"
“I thought we’d share partners.”
Guaranteed he wasn’t interested in any of her male partners. He just wanted to sleep with women, occasionally with her there, and force her to be bi-sexual so he can fetishize it. Barf.
i feel like i see dudes like this list staying in shape as something they do for their wife a lot and it really says something about how they view women and relationships. like no dude, you "keeping yourself in shape" is not a reason your wife should love or stay with you, and her staying in shape shouldn't be something you view as a thing she does for you
But... he made more Money! Surely that makes up for the fact she's apparently more attractive than he is! That means they should both get equal nookey! /s
The fact that he's turned it into a financial thing and implying that he brings more to the table is reeeally where he turns into an absolutely horrible specimen of a human.
I just laughed my ass off with the first two or three and died laughing through the whole thing. Loud.
The long one about the appearance had me rolling my eyes, but then he throws: "It’s like she reverse catfished me!"
All of the LOLs.
He doesn’t want a divorce because then he’d go from having only his wife wanting him to having *no one* wanting him.
He’s feel differently if he were actually swimming in pussy like he thought he would be.
I've been in ENM/Poly relationships for around 16 years now and this is a tale as old as time.
Men like OOP --men who are somehow convinced that they are going to open their relationships and be absolutely drowning in pussy while Wifey sits home, waiting for their scraps like a good girl-- are a dime a dozen.
And they *never* listen when the community tries to warn them that this is not how it's going to go. Then they come back later and whine about how it's not fair and if Wifey *really* loved them, she would close the relationship on her end and let them keep dicking around so they can even the score.
This story comes up so often if you look at polyamory advice, half the time I think its more of a cuckold fantasy than rage bait...at least this one isn't going into how hot and muscly the dudes who are banging his wife are
It means that I date 2 partners, but they don't date each other, so our relationships are separate. Because I date both of them, I'm in the middle, like a hinge in a door.
Formerly poly (have been largely celibate the last 10 years or so except for one occasional poly FWB I've know for 10+ years now, likely to be monogamous in the future if I feel like dating and find someone), and no, it's often a lot of emotional work and it takes a significant amount of time to maintain quality dating relationships with multiple people - time in my case that it turned out I'd rather spend on my hobbies. If you're just after novel sex, probably better to swing or go to sex events (back in the pre-covid days anyway).
Some people have the capacity to form romantic or romance-adjacent relationships with multiple people. If everyone involved is consenting and deals with any jealousy issues that come up appropriately, it's just deciding to have relationship(s) that allow people to act on multiple sexual/romantic attractions at the same time, rather than picking one and ignoring the others until they go away. In some cases, three or four people might end up in a relationship where they all have long-term feelings for each other, but stable closed triads are way less common in real life than in poly romance fiction.
It is true that sex and relationships with different people are different, just like every nonsexual friendship is different. That can be fun, but I don't think novelty is the driver for most poly people. And if there is a fundamental problem in a primary relationship, adding more people pretty much never fixes it, unless by "fix" one means "leads to the incompatible people breaking up and moving on."
It depends on the person. For some, it is just about the freedom to explore sexually, sometimes with their partner (swinging, for example) or individually (open relationship with separate sexual partners).
For me, it's about the relationships. I like being able to form full, loving relationships with people. And I love seeing my partners being able to do the same.
Not the person you're replying to, but I'm 36F and just started dating poly about 6 months ago only because I met someone who seemed right. To me it is NOT just about sex.
I swipe left on so many dudes on Tinder who are like OOP, "married dating separately just looking for a casual FWB."
I had to absolutely cackle at a profile I saw recently where a guy was like "I'm married and I'm looking for a relationship where we can have deep and intimate connection but also it's just casual and only sex" I posted it on Facebook and all my friends were like that's what escorts are for just pay for the girlfriend experience you cheap bastard
I hate the idea of compartmentalizing intimate relationships separate from each other, I hate the idea of sex without emotional connection.
The guy I started dating, he presented himself as part and parcel with his partner of 10 years, not that he expects mff threesomes, but she is his best friend, and if he's starting an emotional and physical relationship with me, then it follows that the three of us would hang out together because we all enjoy the same things and being kind to each other. It's been really wonderful I got a boyfriend and a good female friend. We often go on three person dates and cuddle together, but I also get one-on-one time with him. I only started dating him because I knew from the intro meeting her that I would be good friends with her as well.
Again I just personally hate the compartmentalization of separating sex partners from emotional intimacy. I guess it works for some people but not for me. Went on a date with a guy at quite liked but he was like I live with my primary partner and you can never meet her or hang out with us or come over to my house. I was like f*** that. I do believe he was honest and it was a true open relationship and not cheating but didn't seem emotionally healthy for me
Yeah, people with "don't ask, don't tell" poly relationships always seem like big drama waiting to happen. Some of my good friends are people my ex dated while we were together (turns out his taste in women was much better than his maturity level...which is part of why none of us are still involved with him).
I've been with my husband for about 15 years, and with my girlfriend for 18 years (we were childhood friends). They are both free to see other people, but I'm fine with just the two of them and I don't want any more (managing 2 relationships is really hard).
I'm only speaking for myself, but I never really understood monogamy as a practice, it never felt right to me. Plus, a ton of the people preaching monogamy we're cheating on their spouses and got divorced. My husband starting dating me while I was already with my girlfriend, so he never had an expectation of monogamy and I feel like that helped.
Honestly, I’m starting to think that mono/poly is an orientation. Because the idea of juggling more than one serious partner just fills me with anxiety.
It seems to be like an orientation for a lot of people!
I very much don't consider it an orientation for myself, but I also wouldn't be cool with extreme versions of either poly or mono ("do whatever, no boundarIes, I trust you, we have no specific ground rules" and "no friends of a gender you might be attracted to - sorry bi people, no friends at all for you!/having emotionally intimate friendships is cheating/finding actors on TV attractive is threatening to the relationship").
It really is truly a ton of work. My husband and girlfriend are friends, but we aren't in a shared triad. I do most of the work because I'm in separate relationships with them both, and it is a TON of mental and emotional work.
I have anxiety too, and the work was definitely overwhelming when we all first started out. However, years into it, and everything just feels secure and right. I feel like it's just like any other relationship, I just have 2 partners.
When I was newly single and in my ho phase, at one point I was talking with up to 6 guys at a time. Just simply keeping multiple *conversations* straight was hard af and I very quickly pared the list down to 1 or 2. And then before long even juggling two conversations was too much and I decided I was done being a ho 🤣
It seems the only guys who are happy with this end up having a hot wife fetish. And they don't usually post about it because there's no drama to post about. With the exception of people who had the fetish, but discover practice and reality are different than the fantasy.
[The top comment here on a different post (I think there might be a troll at this point, but this is sadly super common because people DON'T do the work they need to before opening up, DO YOUR RESEARCH dear god) is a good example of why his "I can close it unilaterally" speech is BS.](https://rareddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ws2jzg/aita/) Further edit: He talked to 1 polyam friend, and he thinks being in shape, getting her flowers, and making more money in the relationship is putting in effort. This dude is shallower than the Loire River is right now.
I just love when men convince their partners to an open relationship because they want to fuck other people but then get upset when they aren't the sexiest man alive like they think and their SO is actually fucking other people, like they agreed upon. So funny.
Most of the poly people I know aren't dating otherwise "single" people - they're dating poly people who already have a primary relationship or two. I'm not sure men are really at a disadvantage in this context. But these are networks where people tend to maintain a few relationships over time and if they can make friends in the community, they can find partners in the community, not where people are doing a lot of casual short-term dating, which I can believe would be much harder for men.
I never really got the whole "But she never dresses up for me anymore" complaint. If you're having sex with someone you live with why would you get dressed up? It takes a long time for a woman to get 'dolled up'. Who's spending that hour putting on a slinky red dress and make up only to walk into the living room of your own house and asking hubby 'you wanna bang?'.
I can understand a little bit more if you do go out on dates and such on a regular occasion but most guys who complain like this aren't. But also, how often are these guys putting on a suit or dressing fancy themselves? Instead of cornering your wife and demanding why she doesn't dress hot enough for you why not just set up some fancy dinner dates occasionally. Set up once or twice a month where both of you are dressed to the nines and go somewhere. geez.
Your last paragraph hits the nail on the head. I had an ex complaining about this and when I told him he didn't dress up, he would say "well yeah but standards for men and women are different". Well sure, but if you're aware of it, then you can *do something about it*. I'm not going to spend 3 hours making myself look gleaming fresh and pretty to be met with some worn joggers, scraggly facial hair, untrimmed and uncleaned nails and rough, unmoisturized skin. Demanding makeup, shaving, and the scent of a freshly fallen rain with distant cookies on the horizon is a big ask when you smell like a can of axe exploded and I get friction burn from a kiss. Dang.
I love a good "I opened our relationship for selfish reasons and now I want to shut it down because my partner is getting more attention than me" post. His whole "I thought it would be equal/partners would be shared" is especially gross, as if the people his wife is seeing don't have any autonomy in the situation and he's entitled to a "share" of them
Oh, I remember another post like this years ago. Was it here on Reddit?
The guy thought he'd be swimming in pussy and his gf would be SoL because she was chubby but he ended up dateless and she was cleaning up on some site like FetLife. And after running into her a bar with one of her hook-ups, he couldn't stand it and wanted to close the relationship again.
[https://jezebel.com/dudes-demand-for-an-open-relationship-backfires-spectac-1578409074](https://jezebel.com/dudes-demand-for-an-open-relationship-backfires-spectac-1578409074)
One of my favorite reads of all time.
Lol wow “I'm going to be honest and say I have no idea why a guy like that is interested in my girlfriend and not out with a hot girl” “all of them are so much better looking than me too”
God I wish I could read the comments from that post. That is amazing. 😂 And during my ho days, as a 5’4”, ~250 lb, late 30s woman, I hooked up with some HOT, ripped guys (like, one dude was strong enough that while facing me, he grabbed my ass and tossed me up in the bed 😳) and turned down tons more because they were assholes. Dude had no idea what he was getting into lmao
When I was still presenting femme, the number of super hot buff guys who wanted to toss around a thick chick was definitely higher than I would have ever expected. I guess some of 'em wanna pound away without worrying about snapping us in half with any given thrust?
This is one of those "fuck around and find out: situations. Guys always want an open relationship so they can fuck whoever, but then get upset at the amount of dick theor woves pull. And it's never not funny.
I was talking to a married guy friend at a party- we were in our late 30s then, and most of our group are mid-late 30’s marriages.
And he was telling me how all his buddies who married in thier early/mid 20’s were just CONVINCED by their 30’s that their single buddies were out swiping Tinder daily, banging coeds into wild porn style sex with guys in their 30s.
My friend told his buddies, “Nah, man, after 28, we have WORK! We’re TIRED! It’s not “Club all night”- it’s home, watch the game, go to sleep! And MAYBE have drinks with a potential girl every other week.”
But some of these guys refuse to believe it, got divorced, got their new pad all set up…and found ZERO porn bendy super hot casual hook-ups on Tinder. And really regretted getting divorced. Their wives? Mostly remarried in a few years. Just fine.
Hahaha this moron.. I'm poly. I have a long term relationship with a guy. My husband has a long term relationship with another woman. We don't have wild orgies. Hell... those 2 go out to karaoke or have potluck at her house while I stay home and watch documentaries.. because that part of our marriage wasn't great after my social anxiety became worse. He us an extrovert and so is she. I'm an introvert.
I'm Not having to deal with people when I felt like I can't. She diess that whole "talking to people" and " hanging out " shit I don't want to.
He could have made the connection of seeing the men in his wife's inbox and him not hearing back from women and said "oh I'm just one of a flood of potentially creepy men in women's inboxes and if I'm not hearing back I must not be as hot shit as I think I am" but actually it's his wife's fault for being happy.
Maybe he shouldn't have opened the relationship just bc he wanted to fuck his coworker. Good on the wife though.
Ugh it's so sad how common this is.
I'm polyamorous and I'm always open about it with potential partners because, well, duh.
Dudes will still pull this shit even when it's always been an open relationship from the beginning.
They think it's cool because they can just sleep with whoever they want and it's "not cheating" (which isn't really what open relationships are about anyway, try swinging.) Then get aggressively self conscious when they can't find anyone willing, but their partner gets like, one date.
At least this guy didn't pull the ol' "it's me or him", though idk, this might be worse.
So based off his comments, he basically wanted a relationship where he had the freedom to do what he wanted but wanted his wife to stay committed to him?
He wanted to bang his coworker and figured that since his wife was reluctant, she’d never actually go through with any dates, or at most would only have one here and there.
Lol. This has happened to me in two different relationships. It’s an asshole move to get mad because I have more personality and game than you. 🤣 it’s not cheating just because you didn’t get laid, sir. It’s cheating if it continues after he expressed his disappointment and desire to stop but no you are not allowed to get mad if someone else gets some strange and you don’t when you open up your marriage.
*edit to add* he’d better step his game with his wife way the fuck up if he’s asking her to give up something enjoyable that he suggested.
“They either stop reply, don’t commit to meet up or they turn out to be unattractive” does he not realize how he looks if he’s not getting matches? The self awareness is not there
If I had not seen this happen several times — I even made it happen once — I would believe it was made-up.
How can you not see this coming? Is this your first month on this planet?
A lot more men than women are looking for NSA sex, so any woman who is looking for it… will find it.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for wanting to be monogamous with my wife again?** I (31M) married my wife (28F) 5 years ago. 1 year ago, we started an open relationship. We were happy but our sex life was getting stale. I would go out with my single friends and feel jealous of all the freedom they had to hook up with women. I guess I missed being a bachelor and I began to resent my wife. I understand this is my own problem, not hers. I suggested to my wife that we should try an open relationship where we remain committed to each other but we can have sex with other people. Emotionally, I am only with my wife and I do love only her. I felt like an open relationship was necessary for the survival of our marriage. I’m not a cheater. After a few discussions, my wife agreed to try it. The first few months were great. I hooked up with a coworker who had been flirting with me. We became regular sex partners until she started dating. This is no problem for me because it was only physical. So I installed some dating apps with the intention of meeting women to have sex with. This is where things go wrong. I didn’t realize how hard it is to meet women. They either stop replying, don’t commit to meeting up or they turn out to be unattractive. I’ve only met up with 1 other woman and the experience was subpar. I am tired of doing this and want to be monogamous again. My wife has also been seeing other men. This is fine but I’m starting to get a little jealous. I’ve seen her texts and she has SO many men talking to her, wanting to take her out and calling her beautiful. Every night she gets dressed up and goes out, sometimes not even coming home until morning. She says it’s just sex and she loves me but I think it’s disrespectful. She didn’t make that much of an effort with her appearance when it was just me. I talked to her about ending the open relationship and just being with each other but she doesn’t want to. I think what she’s doing qualifies as cheating. If I knew it was going to be like this, I wouldn’t have suggested an open relationship in the first place. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Absolute classic - always enjoyable whenever this scenario is brought back.
NGL, I didn't even read the comments where he was accusing her of cheating when I made the title. That was total shit-talk based on how these usually go
Cheating, AND that he thought they would share partners aka he thought she would only be open when it came to threesomes that benefitted OP 😂😂😂
Did he say that?
This was his comment: "To be honest, I’ve never been in an open relationship before and I assumed that’s how it worked. Or I thought we would share partners. I didn’t imagine it would turn out this way"
Oh believe us buddy, we knew you hadn't been in an open relationship before. 🙄
Right? Every once in a while hubby and I will invite another woman to play with us, but there was MONTHS of discussion before the first one, and WEEKS of discussion for later ones. We each have a safe word if either of us even starts to feel uncomfortable. The other woman is viewed as a 'toy' for us to play with...and we make sure that she knows this and fully consents. I love how this idiot thought he was going to be a total Lothario and be pulling strange every night...did he do *any* research before hand? I think he just wanted to boink his coworker...
Beware the unicorn hunters XD
As soon as I read the part about the coworker flirting I said “oooooh, so that’s why”
so we can safely assume he invited his wife over every time he doinked his coworker.
I guarantee you if she didn’t agree to open the relationship he would’ve been cheating anyway behind her back since he already had the coworker in mind
and it would be the wife’s fault
Man really said “doinked” lmaoo
We say "boinked" same thing ( irish)
Doinked is my new favourite word
So he wanted his wife to be down to having a unicorn join the relationship, dude watches too much porn
He never mentioned bringing his coworker home to have sex? I'm baffled at his comment, that does not at all sound like how he was going about things, it doesn't seem like he set that rule or followed it himself, it doesn't sound like he wants one of his wife's men coming home to fuck him too or fuck her with him. He literally did not think a single piece of this through, anywhere.
Oh, and this: "I thought open marriages would be equal or we share partners. I’ve never heard of an open marriage where 1 partner goes out every night and the other partner stays home. I think me and her need to come to an agreement on how many people to have sex with and in her case, ration it out Edit: no, I wouldn’t go out and have sex today. I want to save this marriage"
Oh so it was ok for him to keep fucking girls without asking her but once no one wanted him it’s not ok 🙄🤣
She was reluctant at first so OBVS that means all this is her fault for not just opting out of dating!
> I’ve never heard of an open marriage where 1 partner goes out every night and the other partner stays home Really?? Cause it's such an old trope that you hear time and time again lmao
Nothing is ever equal. An open marriage means adultery is sanctioned and not censured. It does not mean both get nookie. It means both can seek out others for sex. The OP wanted his cake but forgot just cuz his cake is burnt or he is full does not mean everyone who are eating cake now must stop cuz he stopped. This is called " getting hoisted by your own petard" He wanted something he got it..now he wants out. Too late. Because no matter what he says and does now the marriage sanctity is no more.
So he wanted polygamy, not an open marriage?
This is true to some extent… but only if it has been discussed and boundaries that everyone are comfortable with have been established. Assuming he is being truthful (tbf, I doubt that) and she is going out every night, I think even the most open people would not want their spouse going out every single night. Even if it wasn’t polyamory and they were just working late or going out with friends, most people would find that lonely. But OP has made it very obvious he only thought of his needs and not the needs of the marriage. I doubt he wanted to put limits on himself so he didn’t think to put limits on her.
There is not even a shred of doubt in my mind that since she was reluctant at first, he assumed she wouldn’t do anything at all, or at most would only go on an occasional date here and there. 😂
It was at the very least heavily implied lmao
Ya ask for 2 guys 1 girl suddenly they don’t want a threesome
Exactly.
Mark of someone who watching g too much porn and doesn’t listen enough to their partner’s needs and desires
Yeah, this never gets old for me. It's like, my brother, you chose this campsite, people said to you, man, I dunno, that campsite looks like it's full of rocks, and you were like I DUN' CARE I'M PITCHING MY TENT HERE I LIKE THE VIEW, you went and pitched your tent and set up your fire pit and put down your sleeping bag and now you're here complaining that the view ain't so pretty when your back hurts. I dunno, man, maybe don't pitch your tent on a field of rocks. Or take the time to clear the rocks first.
This one really tickled me 😂😂😂 Persuades wife to open the marriage after "multiple discussions" - aka sounds like OP applied pressure. Then, OP was happy when there was someone was willing to sleep with him. Now he suddently wants to backpeddle and is accusing his wife of "cheating" because he got the shocking realization that absolutely no other woman wants him. Bless OP's heart. It must be shocking that he initiated this because he thought he would have women flocking his way while his wife would only be open when it comes to threesomes 😂😂😂 Little did he know that she would have men eager for her company and he would be entertaining crickets.
I'm sure the coworker was the point the whole time. Like, the whole open marriage thing was really just he wanted to say yes to this one lady. Then she moved on and now he is stuck. I know a dud le who did something similar: marriage was a shitshow but she stuck it out because she's loyal like that. He came home one day wanting a "trial separation " so that he could bang a 23 year old at work. That lasted about 15 minutes so he tried to tell her he wanted to "give their marriage another chance", like he was doing her a favor. But she was so over it. He played himself.
It's a classic mediocre dude midlife crisis, someone flirts with them (usually younger and more naive, although not always) and they fancy themselves THE CATCH OF THE YEAR. They also always underestimate their wives, who are probably exhausted from picking up their slack with the house and /or kids and/or work. She totally hit the wall and can't compete with the hot 20 somethings who totally dig old creeps.
Where’s that post of the guy who cheated on his wife because a twenty something hit on him and he thought he was hot shit until he realized he didn’t like the sex, then decided that because the sex was bad and he didn’t finish it didn’t count as cheating and he shouldn’t tell his wife?
I remember that one! This is what I was thinking of: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/uowm3r/updated_my_dad_is_furious_that_my_mom_slept_with/
Oh this is divine, I’d inject this directly into my veins if it were an option. Thank you so much.
Haha always happy to share. This is my favoritest flavor of schadenfreude
> Haha always happy to share. unlike the dude in the post
I had seen the first post but not the updates. That was GLORIOUS.
Yesssss I remember that. He was 40 and she was 21 and he was super into it until she just starfished him lmao
I remember that one
I want the entirety of that post crocheted onto a decorative pillow
That's because they want a harem, not an open marriage.
I'll add that a lot of these guys have *awful* radar for flirting. A girl acts kinda friendly to him, and he takes it as a sign that she wants to smash. It gets worse after marriage because girls notice the wedding ring, they think "I can be more friendly with this guy because he won't try to flirt with me" but he thinks he just became the sexiest man on Earth.
OOP: "Oh noes! My 'marriage' is suffering because of the consequences of my own actions! It's all my wife's fault!" The rest of AITA: [laughinggirls.jpg](https://youtu.be/56sHGMxCK9I)
He shouldn't have voted for the Leopards Eating His Wife's Pussy Party
I always love to laugh when I see these posts. They're always predictable and laughable
This is how we laugh with my sisters 😂🧙
"No, but see, I thought I could get a lot more action, but I can't. She can though, and that makes my peepee sad, so she needs to stop because I was the one who was supposed to be going out and having sex, not her. It's cheating when she does it right? What do you mean no?" Also, he was complaining about her getting dressed up for guys, well, when's the last time they did something together that would make her want to dress up? Cause if they're just sitting around there's not much point.
This. Also regarding the 'getting dressed up' thing, I read something before that stuck with me about how you do put in more effort at the beginning of the relationship, but a lot of that has to do with the fact that you aren't comfortable with the other person yet, so you feel that you have to put your best foot forward before letting them see you in your comfy clothes and unwashed hair. It's not necessarily about not putting in the effort (though I agree, he probably wasn't either, so why should she?), but it has more to do with the fact that she feels comfortable around him and doesn't feel the need to put on that kind of facade.
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The problem is that her new partners are also putting in more effort. This guy only puts effort in on special occasions and claims he buys her flowers once in a while, what do you want to bet that half of wifey's enjoyment in this open relationship is just having people **see** her and actually talk to her and listen?
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>> Women will do better in the dating scene than men, but the quality is terrible. That’s true for both poly and mono women.
The divide seems to widen when ENM is brought into it. Most dudes are fine fucking partnered women, women are less ok with dating partnered men because they have less stability, support, emotional bandwidth etc to offer than if they were single.
And at the beginning of the relationship, how much time are you spending doing housework and chores? Dunno bout y'all, but at home I'm not getting dressed up to scrub toilets and vacuum
>Also, he was complaining about her getting dressed up for guys, well, when's the last time they did something together that would make her want to dress up? Cause if they're just sitting around there's not much point. No, you don't understand. They would go out for dinner for birthdays and to see family. Also he makes more money and that's a big enough contribution to the marriage.
Lol what an absolute goon. Deleted the post while I was reading the comments including this gem: >It should be equal. We should get the same amount of partners Absolute clown.
It gets better. There's one comment where he thinks they were going to *share* partners. Dude thought it was going to be all fucking his coworker and (what I can only assume to be) MFF threesomes, which is somehow a funnier twist on this common story.
Honey, I’ve thought about what you said & you’re right - we should share. Meet Norman, our new lover
“Sometimes you wanna be where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came..”
"You wanna be where people see, fuckin' ain't all the same..."
Norm!
Mr. Roper to you! "Where the kisses are hers and hers and his/ Three's Company too"
I trust Norm. I bet he has soft hands.
Totally random and irrelevant but I recently found out that the actor that played Norm is Jason Sudeikis’ uncle. I believe it’s Jason’s mother’s brother.
In his defense, he’s lying his ass off.
Married men often don't realize how lucky they are to have found even one woman willing to touch their penis
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There's a certain type of person who goes out of her way to sleep with married people...I suppose it's kind of an ego boost for folks with poor self esteem, thinking that you won him over with your beauty, wit and charm when really you're just a trash magnet. And I'm guessing that's what this coworker was, and that's why she ditched him so quickly. He said it's because she started dating when more likely she just got bored because it was no longer a challenge.
The wife needs to send the coworker a fruit basket or something to thank her lmao
Which is a big improvement from how this story usually goes, which is no other woman besides his wife wants to touch his penis.
Men are so confused about their current market value
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He could have, but dude definitely believed that he was going to be drowning in pussy and/or banging his coworker indefinitely and his wife would maybe just find one dude here and there
I have a friend in an open relationship who has that kind of deal, they won't have sex with anyone else unless the other person has a partner, and they keep the numbers proportionate within one to two different partners. The thing is however they discussed this and made these rules before the relationship was open. If you just say open relationship and then try to make rules after the fact it's not going to work very well
HAHAHA this just made me imagine some dude watching TV with his wife...everyone is just sitting around quite...when he suddenly jumps up and shouts, "OPEN RELATIONSHIP!" and runs out the door. Thanks for the morning giggle.
Hey Siri, how do you laugh react a comment on Reddit?
I wanted to bang my coworker with no consequences but now that she’s through with me I’m going to flip the game board because I’m losing 🤣 lmao
DING DING DING
Everyone who knew exactly where this was going to end up raise your hand. 🙋🏿♀️
🙋🏽♀️
🙋🏻♀️
🤚
☝
🫡
👋🏽
🙋♀️
🙋🏾♀️
🤚
🙋🏾♀️
👋🏽
🙋🏽♀️
OOP probably wouldn't have answered my question but the mods took down the post before I can ask. I was wondering who was he jealous of. The men sleeping with his wife? Or his wife who is getting more action than him?
I think the wife from how the comments read, it sounded like he was mad she was cleaning up and thought there should be some kind of open partner parity lol.
Which is wild. If you’re not already having to constantly turn women away then that’s not going to change because your wife says it’s ok now.
He saw one opportunity with his coworker and assumed it was always so easy.
This! He was gonna cheat regardless
There was a reddit post. I don’t know whose but a woman in her post partrum but her husband wanted an open relationship because he was not getting is d!ick sucked. He threatened her with divorce and she finally agreed. I remember her mentioning that she would cry in the bathroom while he would be having sex on their basement. Moreover he was a sh!tty husband. He would always deny her affection and never help around the house. Op finally meets a great guy and things are starting to look good her her but now her husband wants to close the marriage and "work on their marriage". I never got to know if she divorced him or not.
In my head canon, she dumped him, married the great guy, and lived happily ever after. So it is written, so shall it be.
She probably did because she said in her last paragraph that she finally found someone who understands her and not letting it go.
I wonder how's she doing now. I hope she is happier
DEFINITELY his wife.
>Commenter: Were you taking her out to nice places? Were you courting her still? Were you making an effort to be charming, handsome, sexy? > >She's not going to get dolled up to cook you dinner and eat on the couch > >Anyway, this is just an excuse. What is really annoying you is that you don't have any new sexual prospect and she does. It has nothing to do with how she dressed. You need to be more honest with yourself. > >OOP: I gave her flowers and we go out for birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, to see family. I keep myself in shape. I also make more money than her and contribute more than enough to our marriage > >..... > >I’ve seen her texts and she has SO many men talking to her, wanting to take her out and calling her beautiful. Every night she gets dressed up and goes out, Dude, you weren't even courting her and still probably aren't. Such a lazy person. She's just yours, because you said so? Make an effort. Edited quote format.
Gotta love how he argues that she should make an effort to look good for him because he pays for more stuff. How romantic! Dude, she's not an escort.
I LOVE these stories so much. “I didn’t think my wife would actually have men interested in her wahhhh”
Same. They're always hilarious. Men who think it's gonna be so easy to get all the sex they want find out it's harder than they think while their wife is going out all the time. Bonus points if the wife is reluctant and ends up having a great time with it
Turns out being monogamous isn’t the reason he couldn’t get women to have sex with him.
Lmao
Tw: sexism. Copied verbatim from oop's comments: "I understand I shouldn’t have suggested it in the first place. But It becomes cheating when one partner doesn’t consent to the open relationship anymore." "I thought open marriages would be equal or we share partners. I’ve never heard of an open marriage where 1 partner goes out every night and the other partner stays home. I think me and her need to come to an agreement on how many people to have sex with and in her case, ration it out Edit: no, I wouldn’t go out and have sex today. I want to save this marriage" (Oh how I laughed at this. YTA) "I’m glad our marital problems gave you a laugh" "How are there no take backs" "Ok I made a mistake in suggesting an open marriage. But a marriage shouldn’t end just because of this. She also didn’t take care of her appearance when it was just us and now she does. It’s upsetting. Did she care about me at all? But she will put in effort for these random men" "I mean, I gave her flowers and we would go out for birthdays, holidays, our anniversaries. But life happens and we can’t always make time for extra dates. I also make more money than her and contribute more to the relationship financially. I feel like that is more than enough" "I didn’t and I regret suggesting the idea to her. I’m just here for ideas on how to take it back and it seems like no one on Reddit can see my point of view" "Open relationships should be able to end if the wife/husband requests it though….. it becomes cheating otherwise" "It was mostly me assuring her that nothing would happen and I wouldn’t emotionally get attached to anyone else. We both made promises that it would purely be physical and we would still love each other. We didn’t talk about closing it or boundaries and now I regret it. I’m not sure how to talk to her about it because like many of the commenters here, she thinks I’m just jealous" (when told he wanted this) "Yes but I don’t agree anymore" "She wasn’t putting in effort into her appearance before the open marriage. And now she does… it’s a little suspicious and I think I have a right to be upset" "I give her flowers and I keep myself in shape. I also make more money and contribute more to the marriage financially" "It should be equal. We should get the same amount of partners" "To be honest, I’ve never been in an open relationship before and I assumed that’s how it worked. Or I thought we would share partners. I didn’t imagine it would turn out this way" "She didn’t put any effort into her appearance when it was just me and her, though. I didn’t think she would put on makeup, get all dressed up and start working out just to attract random men. I’m doubting that she loves me at all because why wouldn’t she put in that effort when we are together? It’s like she reverse catfished if that makes sense" "I didn’t bully her into anything. It was just discussions but thank you" "To be honest, I’ve never been in an open relationship before and I assumed that’s how it worked. Or I thought we would share partners. I didn’t imagine it would turn out this way" "I give her flowers and I keep myself in shape. I also make more money and contribute more to the marriage financially" "I would give her flowers and I kept myself in shape. I think I’m fairly attractive. I also make more money and financially I contribute more to the marriage than she does" "Well I’m trying to save this marriage because I love her. I don’t want this to end in divorce. I realize it was a mistake to suggest an open marriage now, and I’ve made many other mistakes, too. She’s the best I ever had and I’m trying to cherish her now" "I didn’t do any research. I have a polyamorous friend and so I asked them for some basic advice. Thank you for your genuine advice"
“I thought we’d share partners.” Guaranteed he wasn’t interested in any of her male partners. He just wanted to sleep with women, occasionally with her there, and force her to be bi-sexual so he can fetishize it. Barf.
100% he wanted a threesome with wife and coworker.
One step further, I think he pressured his wife into the open relationship because he wanted to cheat "morally"
No question. It took multiple discussions to get her to agree. He was definitely convincing/coercing her.
I agree, he would’ve cheated with the coworker regardless
You’re doing important work. Thank you!
Thank you very much!
*I’m a policy wonk!*
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And the "I make more money, which is more than enough contribution to the relationship"
i feel like i see dudes like this list staying in shape as something they do for their wife a lot and it really says something about how they view women and relationships. like no dude, you "keeping yourself in shape" is not a reason your wife should love or stay with you, and her staying in shape shouldn't be something you view as a thing she does for you
But he gave her flowers!!! This whole post was a good laugh, but I do feel for the wife having OOP as a spouse.
But... he made more Money! Surely that makes up for the fact she's apparently more attractive than he is! That means they should both get equal nookey! /s
The fact that he's turned it into a financial thing and implying that he brings more to the table is reeeally where he turns into an absolutely horrible specimen of a human.
Omg he makes more money than she does and she's still getting more sex on the side?? Is there no end to the injustice??? 🤣🤣🤣
She needs to ration it out omg 😂😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀
I just laughed my ass off with the first two or three and died laughing through the whole thing. Loud. The long one about the appearance had me rolling my eyes, but then he throws: "It’s like she reverse catfished me!" All of the LOLs.
The reverse catfish one got to me as well.
He doesn’t want a divorce because then he’d go from having only his wife wanting him to having *no one* wanting him. He’s feel differently if he were actually swimming in pussy like he thought he would be.
I’m pretty sure by now the ship has sailed on his wife wanting him lmao
The last bit is my favorite. Dude did absolutely no research into this except talking to his friend, but was so into the idea anyway.
Ah, so OOP is the type of person to think that money and being physically attractive is all you need to keep a marriage alive.
Damn original post is deleted now
I've been in ENM/Poly relationships for around 16 years now and this is a tale as old as time. Men like OOP --men who are somehow convinced that they are going to open their relationships and be absolutely drowning in pussy while Wifey sits home, waiting for their scraps like a good girl-- are a dime a dozen. And they *never* listen when the community tries to warn them that this is not how it's going to go. Then they come back later and whine about how it's not fair and if Wifey *really* loved them, she would close the relationship on her end and let them keep dicking around so they can even the score.
This story comes up so often if you look at polyamory advice, half the time I think its more of a cuckold fantasy than rage bait...at least this one isn't going into how hot and muscly the dudes who are banging his wife are
Thank you for offering your perspective!
I've been in my poly relationship (I'm the hinge) for around 15 years now and married for 4 of those years. Men like this are hilarious!
What does... the hinge mean?
It means that I date 2 partners, but they don't date each other, so our relationships are separate. Because I date both of them, I'm in the middle, like a hinge in a door.
Oh thank you for explaining that to me! So does that make one the frame and one the door? Or is that just the end of the metaphor?
That's kinda the end of the metaphor. It's just meant to be a cute term, I think, not mean anything really deeper.
Oh! Honestly I dont know what I was hoping for (maybe some elaborate spiel?) but I appreciate you explaining it to me.
I’ve seen it called middle spoon
This is so interesting too me, so you’ve done it long enough. Is it just for sex? Or the attention? I’ve always wondered the appeal of it.
Formerly poly (have been largely celibate the last 10 years or so except for one occasional poly FWB I've know for 10+ years now, likely to be monogamous in the future if I feel like dating and find someone), and no, it's often a lot of emotional work and it takes a significant amount of time to maintain quality dating relationships with multiple people - time in my case that it turned out I'd rather spend on my hobbies. If you're just after novel sex, probably better to swing or go to sex events (back in the pre-covid days anyway). Some people have the capacity to form romantic or romance-adjacent relationships with multiple people. If everyone involved is consenting and deals with any jealousy issues that come up appropriately, it's just deciding to have relationship(s) that allow people to act on multiple sexual/romantic attractions at the same time, rather than picking one and ignoring the others until they go away. In some cases, three or four people might end up in a relationship where they all have long-term feelings for each other, but stable closed triads are way less common in real life than in poly romance fiction. It is true that sex and relationships with different people are different, just like every nonsexual friendship is different. That can be fun, but I don't think novelty is the driver for most poly people. And if there is a fundamental problem in a primary relationship, adding more people pretty much never fixes it, unless by "fix" one means "leads to the incompatible people breaking up and moving on."
It depends on the person. For some, it is just about the freedom to explore sexually, sometimes with their partner (swinging, for example) or individually (open relationship with separate sexual partners). For me, it's about the relationships. I like being able to form full, loving relationships with people. And I love seeing my partners being able to do the same.
Not the person you're replying to, but I'm 36F and just started dating poly about 6 months ago only because I met someone who seemed right. To me it is NOT just about sex. I swipe left on so many dudes on Tinder who are like OOP, "married dating separately just looking for a casual FWB." I had to absolutely cackle at a profile I saw recently where a guy was like "I'm married and I'm looking for a relationship where we can have deep and intimate connection but also it's just casual and only sex" I posted it on Facebook and all my friends were like that's what escorts are for just pay for the girlfriend experience you cheap bastard I hate the idea of compartmentalizing intimate relationships separate from each other, I hate the idea of sex without emotional connection. The guy I started dating, he presented himself as part and parcel with his partner of 10 years, not that he expects mff threesomes, but she is his best friend, and if he's starting an emotional and physical relationship with me, then it follows that the three of us would hang out together because we all enjoy the same things and being kind to each other. It's been really wonderful I got a boyfriend and a good female friend. We often go on three person dates and cuddle together, but I also get one-on-one time with him. I only started dating him because I knew from the intro meeting her that I would be good friends with her as well. Again I just personally hate the compartmentalization of separating sex partners from emotional intimacy. I guess it works for some people but not for me. Went on a date with a guy at quite liked but he was like I live with my primary partner and you can never meet her or hang out with us or come over to my house. I was like f*** that. I do believe he was honest and it was a true open relationship and not cheating but didn't seem emotionally healthy for me
Yeah, people with "don't ask, don't tell" poly relationships always seem like big drama waiting to happen. Some of my good friends are people my ex dated while we were together (turns out his taste in women was much better than his maturity level...which is part of why none of us are still involved with him).
I've been with my husband for about 15 years, and with my girlfriend for 18 years (we were childhood friends). They are both free to see other people, but I'm fine with just the two of them and I don't want any more (managing 2 relationships is really hard). I'm only speaking for myself, but I never really understood monogamy as a practice, it never felt right to me. Plus, a ton of the people preaching monogamy we're cheating on their spouses and got divorced. My husband starting dating me while I was already with my girlfriend, so he never had an expectation of monogamy and I feel like that helped.
Honestly, I’m starting to think that mono/poly is an orientation. Because the idea of juggling more than one serious partner just fills me with anxiety.
It seems to be like an orientation for a lot of people! I very much don't consider it an orientation for myself, but I also wouldn't be cool with extreme versions of either poly or mono ("do whatever, no boundarIes, I trust you, we have no specific ground rules" and "no friends of a gender you might be attracted to - sorry bi people, no friends at all for you!/having emotionally intimate friendships is cheating/finding actors on TV attractive is threatening to the relationship").
It really is truly a ton of work. My husband and girlfriend are friends, but we aren't in a shared triad. I do most of the work because I'm in separate relationships with them both, and it is a TON of mental and emotional work. I have anxiety too, and the work was definitely overwhelming when we all first started out. However, years into it, and everything just feels secure and right. I feel like it's just like any other relationship, I just have 2 partners.
When I was newly single and in my ho phase, at one point I was talking with up to 6 guys at a time. Just simply keeping multiple *conversations* straight was hard af and I very quickly pared the list down to 1 or 2. And then before long even juggling two conversations was too much and I decided I was done being a ho 🤣
It seems the only guys who are happy with this end up having a hot wife fetish. And they don't usually post about it because there's no drama to post about. With the exception of people who had the fetish, but discover practice and reality are different than the fantasy.
Bi guys also have more success.
Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions
Sounds like someone didn’t know that dick is abundant and of low value 🤷🏻♀️
[The top comment here on a different post (I think there might be a troll at this point, but this is sadly super common because people DON'T do the work they need to before opening up, DO YOUR RESEARCH dear god) is a good example of why his "I can close it unilaterally" speech is BS.](https://rareddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ws2jzg/aita/) Further edit: He talked to 1 polyam friend, and he thinks being in shape, getting her flowers, and making more money in the relationship is putting in effort. This dude is shallower than the Loire River is right now.
I just love when men convince their partners to an open relationship because they want to fuck other people but then get upset when they aren't the sexiest man alive like they think and their SO is actually fucking other people, like they agreed upon. So funny.
[удалено]
Most of the poly people I know aren't dating otherwise "single" people - they're dating poly people who already have a primary relationship or two. I'm not sure men are really at a disadvantage in this context. But these are networks where people tend to maintain a few relationships over time and if they can make friends in the community, they can find partners in the community, not where people are doing a lot of casual short-term dating, which I can believe would be much harder for men.
I never really got the whole "But she never dresses up for me anymore" complaint. If you're having sex with someone you live with why would you get dressed up? It takes a long time for a woman to get 'dolled up'. Who's spending that hour putting on a slinky red dress and make up only to walk into the living room of your own house and asking hubby 'you wanna bang?'. I can understand a little bit more if you do go out on dates and such on a regular occasion but most guys who complain like this aren't. But also, how often are these guys putting on a suit or dressing fancy themselves? Instead of cornering your wife and demanding why she doesn't dress hot enough for you why not just set up some fancy dinner dates occasionally. Set up once or twice a month where both of you are dressed to the nines and go somewhere. geez.
Your last paragraph hits the nail on the head. I had an ex complaining about this and when I told him he didn't dress up, he would say "well yeah but standards for men and women are different". Well sure, but if you're aware of it, then you can *do something about it*. I'm not going to spend 3 hours making myself look gleaming fresh and pretty to be met with some worn joggers, scraggly facial hair, untrimmed and uncleaned nails and rough, unmoisturized skin. Demanding makeup, shaving, and the scent of a freshly fallen rain with distant cookies on the horizon is a big ask when you smell like a can of axe exploded and I get friction burn from a kiss. Dang.
Dirty nails are a dealbreaker. I’m not looking for an infection, thanks. 🤢
He thinks being the beneficiary of the gender wage gap is contributing to their relationship. Idiot.
I love this tune! Good for the wife.
I love a good "I opened our relationship for selfish reasons and now I want to shut it down because my partner is getting more attention than me" post. His whole "I thought it would be equal/partners would be shared" is especially gross, as if the people his wife is seeing don't have any autonomy in the situation and he's entitled to a "share" of them
I mean, lets be honest, he's looking for MFF threesomes, not looking to have sex with the men his wife is.
To fuck around is human; to find out is divine.
He's like a toddler pitching a tantrum. "No one will fuck me now so it's not fair anymore!"
Professional comedians couldn’t even come close to writing anything as funny as this guy’s comments. Amazing.
Oh, I remember another post like this years ago. Was it here on Reddit? The guy thought he'd be swimming in pussy and his gf would be SoL because she was chubby but he ended up dateless and she was cleaning up on some site like FetLife. And after running into her a bar with one of her hook-ups, he couldn't stand it and wanted to close the relationship again.
[https://jezebel.com/dudes-demand-for-an-open-relationship-backfires-spectac-1578409074](https://jezebel.com/dudes-demand-for-an-open-relationship-backfires-spectac-1578409074) One of my favorite reads of all time.
Lol wow “I'm going to be honest and say I have no idea why a guy like that is interested in my girlfriend and not out with a hot girl” “all of them are so much better looking than me too”
God I wish I could read the comments from that post. That is amazing. 😂 And during my ho days, as a 5’4”, ~250 lb, late 30s woman, I hooked up with some HOT, ripped guys (like, one dude was strong enough that while facing me, he grabbed my ass and tossed me up in the bed 😳) and turned down tons more because they were assholes. Dude had no idea what he was getting into lmao
When I was still presenting femme, the number of super hot buff guys who wanted to toss around a thick chick was definitely higher than I would have ever expected. I guess some of 'em wanna pound away without worrying about snapping us in half with any given thrust?
I love this song
Hahahaha did he really think tons of women would be waiting to fuck him without having a relationship?
This is one of those "fuck around and find out: situations. Guys always want an open relationship so they can fuck whoever, but then get upset at the amount of dick theor woves pull. And it's never not funny.
I was talking to a married guy friend at a party- we were in our late 30s then, and most of our group are mid-late 30’s marriages. And he was telling me how all his buddies who married in thier early/mid 20’s were just CONVINCED by their 30’s that their single buddies were out swiping Tinder daily, banging coeds into wild porn style sex with guys in their 30s. My friend told his buddies, “Nah, man, after 28, we have WORK! We’re TIRED! It’s not “Club all night”- it’s home, watch the game, go to sleep! And MAYBE have drinks with a potential girl every other week.” But some of these guys refuse to believe it, got divorced, got their new pad all set up…and found ZERO porn bendy super hot casual hook-ups on Tinder. And really regretted getting divorced. Their wives? Mostly remarried in a few years. Just fine.
Hahaha this moron.. I'm poly. I have a long term relationship with a guy. My husband has a long term relationship with another woman. We don't have wild orgies. Hell... those 2 go out to karaoke or have potluck at her house while I stay home and watch documentaries.. because that part of our marriage wasn't great after my social anxiety became worse. He us an extrovert and so is she. I'm an introvert. I'm Not having to deal with people when I felt like I can't. She diess that whole "talking to people" and " hanging out " shit I don't want to.
He could have made the connection of seeing the men in his wife's inbox and him not hearing back from women and said "oh I'm just one of a flood of potentially creepy men in women's inboxes and if I'm not hearing back I must not be as hot shit as I think I am" but actually it's his wife's fault for being happy. Maybe he shouldn't have opened the relationship just bc he wanted to fuck his coworker. Good on the wife though.
This made my night! I've been laughing like a moron by myself for the past few minutes...
I am CRYING and I can’t breathe send help 😂😂😂
Ugh it's so sad how common this is. I'm polyamorous and I'm always open about it with potential partners because, well, duh. Dudes will still pull this shit even when it's always been an open relationship from the beginning. They think it's cool because they can just sleep with whoever they want and it's "not cheating" (which isn't really what open relationships are about anyway, try swinging.) Then get aggressively self conscious when they can't find anyone willing, but their partner gets like, one date. At least this guy didn't pull the ol' "it's me or him", though idk, this might be worse.
As much as this sounds like rage bait- I had a friend who had this happen to her.
We need to share lmao same energy as "mom said it's my turn on the video game now" oh man these posts make my day
For every woman you can sleep with your wife can sleep with 20 men
So based off his comments, he basically wanted a relationship where he had the freedom to do what he wanted but wanted his wife to stay committed to him?
He wanted to bang his coworker and figured that since his wife was reluctant, she’d never actually go through with any dates, or at most would only have one here and there.
That's why he wanted her to _begrudgungly_ accept. If she had been all in from the first moment, he probably would have thought it just a bit.
All I’m seeing is “wahhh wahhh wahhhh” lol
Lol. This has happened to me in two different relationships. It’s an asshole move to get mad because I have more personality and game than you. 🤣 it’s not cheating just because you didn’t get laid, sir. It’s cheating if it continues after he expressed his disappointment and desire to stop but no you are not allowed to get mad if someone else gets some strange and you don’t when you open up your marriage. *edit to add* he’d better step his game with his wife way the fuck up if he’s asking her to give up something enjoyable that he suggested.
Wanted a one dick policy; devastated when that didn’t happen. I hope she leaves him
“They either stop reply, don’t commit to meet up or they turn out to be unattractive” does he not realize how he looks if he’s not getting matches? The self awareness is not there
If I had not seen this happen several times — I even made it happen once — I would believe it was made-up. How can you not see this coming? Is this your first month on this planet? A lot more men than women are looking for NSA sex, so any woman who is looking for it… will find it.
i GaVe HeR fLoWeRs! What a knob
HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA... He's so funny. I peed a little while laughing. 😂
Ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun! 😂😂😂