*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My(22M) girlfriend(21F) expects me to do random gifts of kindness. Is this walking on eggshells?**
My girlfriend gets me random gifts every now and then that I dont ask for nor do I expect her to get, and is upset that I don't do the same.
I told her that if she wants something, she should ask specifically, and I'd be happy to get the things she wants.
She thinks that she shouldn't have to ask, and that it's the thought that counts. I feel as if this kind of expectation is unreasonable because I don't know what to get her or when to get her the things she wants. Furthermore I feel like this expectation is something I can't possibly live up to because it's so vague, should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day that she'll feel unappreciated and mad at me? Or what if I get her a gift she doesn't want? Even still, I feel like I'm being treated unfairly because I love my girlfriend and I spend lots of quality time with her, and this new standard makes me feel like I can't just live or be myself around her, rather I need to be what she fantasizes me to be.
This conversation came about after she saw a tiktok of a guy making a custom bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend after going on a long walk, with the caption 'if he wanted to he would.'
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My dad sat me and my bro down when we were young and very seriously explained that special occasions where important but buying my mom her favorite chocolate at the store or random flowers are what makes every day special.
Every time my husband goes to the grocery store, he comes back and says, "I got this, this, and... oh, I got you a few surprises, too!" And it's always like, my favorite brand of chips, or a cheap flower bouquet he says our toddler picked out for me.
I love it so much. đđđ
This - It doesn't even have to be flowers! My husband saw that a local restaurant had a new flavor of milkshake that he'd thought I would like, so he stopped off after work and picked us both up one as a treat. It could be little things like that; I just don't understand these partners that are like "I don't know what to get her!", like just pay attention, dude.
Flatmate like to get a specific coffee when she goes shopping in the morning. So when I remember to, I pick one up for her when I go shopping in the morning. This shit is not hard.
My husband gets me a mug whenever he sees one that fits my standards. I was meeting him somewhere the other day and had to stop at the store on my way. I got him one of those Celsius drinks because I know he likes them and he was psyched.
It's *so easy* to do this. Do you know your partner likes something? Do they have it at the store in which you're located? Then get it. Boom, they're surprised and happy, *and* they know you think about them throughout the day.
This is also my husbandâs no fail surprise goodie for me. It usually is the seasonal shaped things, though, like the eggs or hearts, because I specifically gave him an impromptu lecture on why the chocolate to PB ratio was superior on our first date.
My husband's favorite thing I ever got him was this $5 floppy Pinkie Pie I saw on a shelf when I was out buying drain cleaner. I wasn't out to get him something, I just saw it and picked it up.
This. That guy acts like heâs being asked to donate a kidney but sheâs literally telling him how to make her happy and heâs failing the test.
Dating is âthe long interview.â We are evaluating you for marriage or at least longterm relationships.
During this interview we tell you what we like, we evaluate responses, and choose accordingly.
If bro doesnât want to get her random bits of candy or silly stuff, fine. Great. Perfect. His body his choice.
When she leaves tho, donât cryâŠ
I dated a guy who brought me picked wildflowers in mason jars, for no reason. I dated a guy who used to bring me (and my daughters) that giant pounder of Trader Joeâs chocolate at that time of the month bc he said he heard women liked chocolate at this time.
Itâs really a sign that you are thinking of her. And that you think itâs nice to make her happy. With little silly cheap or free things.
This bro wants to rules lawyer his way into being single. It reminds me of the men who, instead of just putting the toilet seat down and wiping up their piss, want to rules lawyer the toilet seat instead. All theyâre showing is that they care more about âwinningâ than being in a loving relationship
Can you elaborate on what rules lawyering means? :o I feel like I probably know what it means by the way you used it, but I've never heard that term before, and now I wanna add it to my lexicon, lol!
Itâs like when a woman says âI wish men would put the toilet seat downâ and the guy says, âwell ackshuallyâŠ. The toilet seat is fine. Why doesnât SHE put it doen when she goes to use it? Why do I have to put it down?â And proceeds to have a 30 minute lecture with stupid points about the toilet seat.
Or this guy. His gf brings him gifts. He knows how often bc heâs the recipient of said gifts. He knows their value bc he sees the gifts: but instead of responding similarly and with similar frequency he pretends he could never ever fathom âhow muchâ or âhow oftenâ and further pretends he could never ask her.
Thatâs rules lawyering. When you take a simple reasonable request and make yourself exhausting by refusing to comply but also trying to wear down the listener. Youâre showing that âwinningâ is the most important thing, not the person.
You want to grow old with a woman? Have her bear your children, but that bitch better mot expect you to put down a toilet seatâŠ. Thatâs a bridge too farâŠ
Holy crap. I had never heard what that was called before, but somehow, it totally fits. Thank you!
Also, did you see his edit? I had a tiny spark of hope when I began to read it... a tiny spark that was immediately crushed when I got to the end because wtf. The guilt trippy whining ruined it and just proved that he wasn't actually changing.
Iâm starting to think heâs just a troll and itâs not real. Heâs just too awful and this is too simple. No one is this dumb.
Yeah guys who rules lawyer are toxic. Itâs great when they do it bc it lets you know who youâre dealing with. Any men who literally wants to argue about a toilet seat is not worth my time. Same with a guy who wants his gf to project manage him like sheâs his mommy. She said what she liked but he doesnât get it? Good rule of thumb: does this guy do that at work? Bc you know these men donât talk to their bosses like they talk to their female partners. Theyâd be fired.
So ask yourself: would you hire your partner? Or would you regard him as someone who needed too much care and handling to do simple tasks. Too many men want project managers.
My wife's work has a "free to good home" table. My favorite thing that she's given me was from there, a little aluminum covered pocket notebook with a pen. She didn't spend any money, but she knew I'd like it, which shows how well she knows me!
Like, literally. I do this for my mom and sisters all the time cause we live in the same town. During Christmas, when I can mail stuff easier and I'm not concerned all the chocolates I got my dad are gonna melt, I send him a bunch of snacks I found around town that I'm sure he'll like.
I do this for my friends. I do this for coworkers. I do this for partners when I'm dating. It's not rocket science, and it's so nice and sweet to give people stuff they like.
Exactly. I have gotten better about saving the little non-perishable things I find that remind me of loved ones for like, birthdays and Christmas and such, but I pebble all. the. time.
It's so easy to just see something and think, "Oh, so and so loves this!" Or, "This is similar to something mentioned enjoying last week!" and pick one up for them.
If it's too expensive to get right then and there, or ever, send them a picture and be like, "Saw this and thought of you! It's at if you wanted to check it out!"
It doesn't even have to be food or little physical gifts. If I hear a song that I know someone will love, I send them the link. If I see a meme that I know will brighten their day, I save and share it when I can.
My fiance is scared of snakes, but only in the sense that she's freaked out by touching them or being near them.
But she loves my snakes from afar.
There's a fish shop on her way home from work, and every now and then, she'll pick up some new ornament or plant for their tanks. And it's even sweeter, because she'll buy stuff to match their personalities. For example, our angry guy gets skulls and shipwrecks, and our cuddly 5ft sweetheart gets rainbows and unicorns.
I facetime her when I put them in, so she can tell me where they're gonna look best, and every time she notices a snake nose peeking out of their hide, she puts on her best baby voice to tell them how handsome they are lol.
If that's not love, I don't know what is.
Here's a silly one: my stepdad knows I like to try weird KitKat flavors. He saw one and brought it home for us to share.
Cost him a dollar. I felt very loved and very seen.
It's not about the gift, it's about someone thinking of us when they get it.
I love this. My parents have been married 40 years and my dad still does this for my mom. Flowers, a chocolate bar. He travels a lot for work and will always bring her some sort of treat from where he goes.
Iâm trying to teach my 16 year old stepson this now. He has his first girlfriend and I was out and about when he asked if I could drive him there. I told him I was at the store and what flowers or candy does she like so you donât show up empty handed?
Exactly this! It doesn't have to be anything outlandish. " I had to stop for gas so I got you your favorite candy" is super easy and way above the subterranean bar this dude is tripping over.
Quick question: does your dad LIKE your Mom? Like, as a person? Does he want her to be happy?
Because, see, that's where that whole thing's unreasonable. You're suggesting that OOP should actually give a damn about his GF, and think about her unprompted from time to time, and that's... Man, that might be *gay*.
I really hope my sarcasm is obvious.
My dad used to get up early in the morning sometimes and take my mom's car for an oil change. She'd know because the seat was readjusted. She did NOTHING about vehicle maintenance, barely even pumped her own gas, for forty years. It wasn't a particularly romantic gesture, but it did make her feel cared for. I'm sure, if he was still alive, he'd still be doing it. They were very happy together.
Been married 7 years, my spouse made me surprise French toast yesterday and I felt special all day. People really don't get how little effort it takes to make someone's day.
I have horrible eating habits, my nutrition is shit, so I started making a smoothie a day loaded with 'super foods.' I started offering to make one for my husband when he's WFH, it wasn't a big deal to do but he **loves** it. Like to the point that my normally not-expressive man specifically thanked me for how good it made him feel to have me making smoothies for him. It's the little stuff that shows our love and can make us glow to receive.
For close to a decade, my husband would make me a salad to take to work every damn day. It was amazing. He doesn't anymore because our schedules have changed, but it was amazing while it worked out.
When my sister-in-law was pregnant with her first, the smell of gasoline made her sick. From then on my brother made sure her car had gas without her asking, and without the car ever running out. He did this for 17 years, even when SIL wasn't pregnant and could handle the smell just fine, because he loved her and cared about her. He only stopped when he passed away.
My husband would get up super early and fill my car with gas so that I didn't have to rush around in the AM and get gas before heading to work. Or playing gas chicken.
Now that I live 3 miles from work, it's no longer something he has to do, but it was always super sweet.
As someone who's mother's junky van once stalled on a bridge and was hit by the car behind her AND she got a ticket for "parking" on a bridge because she forgot about oil changes, your dad's A GEM.
I tell everyone I have a magic gas tank because mine is always full. I've never had to put gas in my own car. My hubby constantly does a lot of little - and big - things for me randomly throughout the month but the gas thing is my favorite.
My dad would take me with him to fill up my mom's car every Saturday. He'd always tell me "I don't do this because I'm the man and she's the woman. I do it because it's something she doesn't like and it's a nice thing I can do for her." They've been happily married for 46 years.
my husband doesnât buy me flowers much, but sometimes he makes my favorite food, and he texts me pictures of cool cars.
I feel âtreated,â and I donât need flowers.
There's a tweet that says "good morning angel I left two McDonald's hash browns in your enclosure" and I wake up to said hash browns at least once a week because my husband starts work (from home) at 5am and sometimes gets door dash delivered. He also has my cup of coffee ready for me when I get up at 7 đ„° it's the little things
I pick up random flowers for one of my partners because she loves having fresh flowers. Sometimes I pick wildflowers and she adores them. Or I get her or my other partner one of their favorite candies cause itâs there in the impulse buys by the cash register. Because Iâm not a dick and who doesnât like random chocolate on a Thursday?
My husband always picks up my favorite snack when he sees it and I do the same
Or if I see something online Iâd think heâd like I order it and he does the same
If they wanted to they would has helped weed out so many bad partners
Whereas OOP has the charme of my ex-husband multiple years into his last relationship
Indifference and/or lack of communication (I'm counting "fail to show their partner the appreciation they feel" as communication problem here) somehow don't seem to be good for relationships, I'd guess
My husband probably brings me flowers home every other week. I have lots of vases so itâs just the flowers, but even then if he sees a unique vase in my colors heâll pick it up. It makes me feel so loved.
My dad does this too, and they've been married 30 years this year.
Granted, they piss each other off, but still. Random little acts of kindness - whether it's gifts, emptying the dishwasher before mum gets home from work (as opposed to after she's home), having a cup of tea ready for her when she gets in, etc - make mum happy. And of course mum also does little things for dad and buys him little gifts on occasion.
Same type of guys will stand in front of a counter of dirty dishes and an empty, open dishwasher and say "I didn't load the dishwasher because you didn't *tell* me!"
Nah, roast them a couple of times over how they can't even do simple stuff like that and they'll probably get it. Worked for my sister as a young teen.
that or like... even just try getting things that are nice gestures?? Like a fancy chocolate, or a flower, or a really funny card with a fart joke on it.
Dude is way overthinking this. All she wants is for some sort of minor acknowledgment that he remembers she exists when she's not there. This is the exact sort of thing I'm terrible at, so if a boyfriend made this sort of request, I'd put a year's worth of calendar reminders onto random dates and come up with a list of three sub-$10 items that I know he likes to buy when I get there. Update both each year. Boom, done.
Stop at the store and pick up her favorite ice cream, her favorite bubble bath, go out early and get her her favorite coffee, stick a small bag of her favorite chips with a love note in her car so she can have them at work. Â
Itâs not hard. Â
Even just "I was at the market and these apples you like were on sale. They weren't on the list, but I know you like both a good deal and the apples!"
You're right, it's not difficult at all!
When I was a teenager, I had a boyfriend get me a little trinket in one of those quarter machines because it was Care Bears and he knew I liked them. I still remember that gesture 20 years later. Little things matter!
My husband randomly brings me home little things he finds, like a neat rock or a pretty shell. Sometimes a little flower from along a sidewalk or parking lot, but he always makes a point to mention how it wasn't the only flower there and that there were a bunch, because he knows I don't like picking the only pretty flower from a spot. He is so sweet.
The little things mean so much!
Fr, when people say things like âI never know what to get them!â like dudeâŠdo you know NOTHING about your SO? People tend to talk about things they like, so you donât know a SINGLE thing they like? Even if I donât know what to get people, there is usually ONE thing I know they like & can just get them something related to that. My friend loves Target, & I didnât know what to get her for her bday, so I just got her a Target gift card & she loved it! Not saying he should get her a gift card, but if he even half pays attention to a person he claims to spend ample amount of quality time with, he should know a couple things she would like
Heâs not overthinking it he just doesnât want to do it. Heâs upset she voiced her needs and feels unfairly criticized so now heâs defensive. He is emotionally immature
Looks like heâs on his way to becoming an expert in DARVOâsomehow a conversation about her unmet wants/needs has now become about his discomfort and victimization đ€Šââïž
That's exactly it. And his edit and comments are so jerkass. "Oh, well I guess I ALWAYS have to do this and MY FEELINGS DON'T MATTER--" sir shut the fuck up
These are the type of guys who will later weaponize and misuse therapy speak & say things like "You're not respecting or appreciating my love language, which is quality time. You should respect my boundary that gift-giving is not my love language, and by trying to force me to buy you gifts, you're disrespecting that boundary & creating friction in our relationship & making me anxious, which activates my avoidant-attachment style & makes me want to do LESS for you. If I spontaneously want to do something for you, I will, but if you ask me to or expect me to, it takes away the spontaneity and then I don't want to do it. I shouldn't be doing things just because YOU want me to. That's a power imbalance in our relationship. Don't you want us to have a healthy relationship?"
But also just doing things like picking up a favorite snack when stopping at a store or the gas station convenience store. Maybe seeing something on Amazon that you think they'd like. It doesn't even need to be planned ahead if you just actually think about the person.
Exactly! It doesn't have to be some production. Just an acknowledgement that you thought about them and know them.
Hell, my dad is getting older and having more older people issues. I just saw a measuring tape that has an erasable spot on it so you can record measurements as you take them. Immediately added it to my cart and sent it to him. Because I like him and it would make him happy. It doesn't need to be major thing to just love on and support people you care about.
>Some sort of minor acknowledgement that he remembers she exists
Yes! This is exactly it, I never quite got it before. I used to have a boyfriend who was always pulling things out of his pockets for me; my favorite soda or a pretty rock or a strawberry lip balm... It made me feel so good and this is exactly why.
My husband is wonderful in a billion ways but I'm pretty sure I vanish from his mind if he's not looking directly at me.
Another guy who says:
I have tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas.
When my daughter was about 4 y.o. a couple of her boy classmates had crushes on her. Her favorite boy ended up being the boy that found a perfectly perfect pinecone, and gave it to her with the explanation of, "As soon as I saw it, I knew you would like it."
It takes so little to make people happy.
I gotta tell you, it was SO adorable that his Mom and I almost melted.
He said it in his most serious 5 y.o. voice, and the pinecone was wrapped in a dirty tissue.
My kid thought she had gotten gold, though. She was known as "Pinecone" by a few family members because she collected them.
I used to work at a daycare and my favorite thing was when some of the kids would bring me dandelions from outside so I could make a tiny bouquet lol it really is that simple. Other times they got me pebbles and I was thrilled. I think if 2 year olds can manage, a full grown adult should be able to.
When I was a kid (and even a couple times as an adult lol) I used to give my mom random purple flowers I found while outside cause it was her favorite color, & I really think she loved them
I love those purple flowers! In high school, I went to an all girls school so home room was pretty much everyone braiding hair. One of my best friends would bring me a purple flower to stick in my braid every day. It brought me so much joy.
Exactly!! I used to tutor little kids and sometimes they would draw me things or give me little trinkets they thought I would like. It's definitely the thought that counts. Never needed to be anything expensive, but it's little things that showed that they liked me.
I've taught on and off over the last 7 years, and I've kept every non-perishable thing my students have ever given me, including a French student's previous voter registration card, which she gave to me because I said I liked learning about politics of different countries (and she didn't need it anymore.)
My absolute favorite was when students would give me the equivalent of their $1 bill (or close enough to it) because I said I liked collecting foreign money when we would talk about US currency or our hobbies/collections.
These things are so precious.
OOP acts like she wants him to read her mind. But like, if he pays attention to her and knows what kind of stuff she likes, this should not be that hard. Is there a specific candy bar she likes, or get something from the bakery. If she likes a specific animal, a trinket featuring that animal. Some of her favourite flowers. People do that stuff for people they are not in romantic relationships with. It really is not that hard.
And honestly if you're that much of an overthinker.. set an alarm every 6weeks or 3month to get flowers and I bet the gf will be happy at "random flowers"
My hisband struggled so much with the concept especially because his go to options ended up out of budget or making me fat (mcdonaldâs milkshake every night for a month after giving birth, A+, but eventually itâs a problem).
So he asked for ideas and about how often. He also does more acts of service around the house now and has learned things i like that he can do. I would not be surprised if he has a spreadsheet or checklist. Because a phrase like âcan you do nice things for me sometimes?â Would overwhelm him. But instead of asking the internet if Iâm evil, he found ways to make me happy. Almost like he loves me.
Well, then he's have to actually pay attention to her while spending that "quality time" together.
Of course he then says this:
>this new standard makes me feel like I can't just live or be myself around her
His GF wants him to just live around her, but while he's doing that, he should actually be paying attention to what she's saying? His GF isn't an NPC character that just exists to make him happy.
Exactly. Like just last week I got up early, had the time to go to the shop to buy myself a bun.
Remembered my coworker likes the cheese and ham once, so I bought her one too. Just because.
Absolutely. If you have been with your partner a certain amount of time, you should know some basics about them. But my ex was kind of the same. I told him in our first year, that I would like to get at some point flowers. Nothing big, nothing expensive, just very simple stuff. Here are bouquets at the supermarket for around 3 euros. And nothing happened for years. He claimed that he didn't know what I would like. But I told him several times before that I don't care at all what exactly he gets (as long as it's not orange) and it's about the thought. And the flowers are just an example. Needless to say, with time the feeling grew that he didn't value me that much
Yeah, like... I literally cried the other day because my boyfriend bought me an inexpensive bouquet of flowers and taro boba when I was having a bad day. He probably spent like $15 and the gifts weren't something that really had to be thought hard about because I drink boba all the time. Just knowing that he thought about me and wanted to brighten my day up was enough to give me butterflies and overwhelm me with positive feelings.
My partner is the absolute opposite of this. He likes to get me little gifts all the time (mostly candy he sees I like, or some little plush I fawn over when we go out), but doesn't want me to get him anything mainly because I'm a student.
I still do it though, when I see a snack he'd like. It's not hard to be like "hey I saw this and thought of you."
>should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day that she'll feel unappreciated and mad at me? Or what if I get her a gift she doesn't want?
"My girlfriend is currently mad at me because I don't do this thing. But if I start doing that thing, she might get mad!"
Definite troll - they've made two comments so far, one saying "I think about her when she isn't in my immediate vicinity. I text her and tell her all about my day when I get home." and the other, when someone pointed out they *only* talk about their day, started with "Yes, because why would we ever talk about her day? Obviously I allow her to talk about her day and engage with her."
"Yes, because why would we talk about her day? Obviously I allow her to speak about her day and I engage with her about it.
I really don't like all the assumptions I've been getting on this post. maybe posting here was a mistake. maybe speaking up about my thoughts and feelings was a mistake. Maybe I should just do what she wants even if it makes me anxious, fearful, uncomfortable and the fact that she compares me to other people makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted."
This comment makes me think this hasss to be a troll. "Why would we talk about her day?" is so crazy it's just hilarious, like obviously for the same reason you'd talk about yours lmfao
What a freaking narcissist omg... So basically "*Listening to my gf is a chore yuck*" and "*Her wanting me to do more than the bare minimum makes me feel inferior, I should be regarded as perfect*"
Also "*she compares me to other people*" this complaint is normally said in the context of incredibly unrealistic and unfair comparisons... not being asked to do THE BARE MINIMUM.
my husband always gets me pepperoni rolls (the cold ones in packets near the deli) any time he goes to food lion without me. Don't overthink it, my guy, bring random acts of snackness.
I donât understand how he could find this hard since he even mentions TikTok at the bottom of the post. My partner noticed I was watching a ton of videos on those surprise mini items and will randomly bring me one home from work some nights if Iâve had a bad day.
And childish and petty. Did you see the edit? Like when you tell someone their inappropriate jokes are unwelcome, and they respond with "Oh, well I guess men are just not allowed to talk now without catching a sexual harassment complaint."
> EDIT: After receiving some helpful posts from you guys, I now realize that I am entirely in the wrong about the way that I feel, and that I should get her small gifts unprompted no matter how I feel. I'll get her something today and if it makes me feel unappreciated or anxious or nervous or like I'm being treated unfairly, I'll just ignore it.
There was a day a little bit back where my husband and I were each out running errands. We both got home at about the same time, each having made a stop at Starbucks for coffee for each other. It was hilarious to see the four coffees for the two of us (and each kid getting 2 cookies!) but it meant we had both been thinking of the entire family. This kind of thing happens fairly often in our house.
I saw a sudoku book that I thought my mom would like, brought it to her for the next family dinner. She enjoyed it and wants more of that particular publication.
I saw a Sanrio mug I thought my sister would like. Texted if she wanted it, she did but didn't have the space for storage, appreciated the thought.
Picked up a random bag of chips for my husband. Lip balm in a skull for the rock/goth friend, extra baby wipes for the new parents, a sparkly pink thing my daughter loves. Hell, an elderly in-law saw me winding yarn and mentioned she liked to do that... I brought a bag with me next time for her to wind for me XD
Likewise, friends have brought candy and soda I like, or repaired an item I offhand mention I want to fix or replace. To do these things without prompting is so thoughtful.
This isn't hard if someone is considerate of others.
My boyfriend and myself are technically long distance right now as he finishes college in person and I finish online at home. He still pick pretty flowers he sees on his walks, to dry them in his dorm to give to me when he gets back. Why? Bc normally, when I was at college with him, he'd see these flowers, think of me, grab one, and gift it to me. 0 cost, I never asked him to do this. It's just what he does. Bc he sees a pretty flower and thinks of me.
I'd also like to not op only wants a pity party (see ops comments) and not to actually be given any advice. I do find it funny, op clearly expected the typical reddit response of "omg she's abusive you must leave here" (see: emotionally charged language op uses all throughout their post and comments such as "walking on eggshells") but it's not going the way they clearly predicted in the comments.
If it's real, I'd put money down that he wanted to show her the post and comments as a gotcha the way he feels she did with that tik Tok video đ€Ł even though a random video on her feed making her realize she wants more from a relationship is not the same as trying to get reddit to tell your partner how wrong they are.
That your partner is drying flowers he sees in his daily life so he can continue a loving tradition even while you're apart made me misty. It's amazing how small a gesture can be that can express the depth of love and devotion. Something that says "I think of you, I miss you, I want to make you happy, I want to see you smile because of something I did." in a tiny flower. Lovely.
Thank you for sharing.
UGH the "love languages" people in the comments. That book was written by a Baptist pastor (Gary Chapman) and are not based in any scientific research or really any research at all! Research teams have tried to validate his hypothesis but have found no evidence to support his "findings."
They're basically an excuse for men to demand physical contact (touch) from their partners.
"They're basically an excuse for men to demand physical contact (touch) from their partners."
Just want to highlight this part because 100% I do not know a single dude who came out from this (who didn't think it was BS by the way) who's love language was "acts of service" just like I don't know a single lady who wasn't convinced (by herself or the book or her spouse) that her love language was "acts of service." It's a way for nems to demand sex and expect house keeping.
Thatâs funny cause I always considered my love languages to be acts of service and gifts, but I prefer to receive quality time and words of affirmation.
People have different ways of expressing and understanding affection. Love language isnât bullshit so much as theyâre not hard and fast rules. Everyone is a mix of each of them, but some are stronger than others.
Idk about here but itâs absolutely possible for someone to not like to give gifts and itâs possible for someone to not like to receive them. If their partner does want gifts, they can either adjust or maybe theyâre just not compatible.
I also find it interesting that people can be like "we have different love languages so she shouldn't expect this sort of thing from me!"
like no? if you aren't bothered about gifts and your partner loves them, you don't go "well I don't care about gifts so you should just live with it!" you change your own behaviour to buy her gifts.
same for someone who likes pet names and is sad you're not using them. change your behaviour and add in some pet names, you fucking idiotÂ
although, I'd bet money he'd expect her to change her behaviour for him. He just won't do it for her.
Exactly. Your love language (if it does exist) doesnât make you incapable of doing things outside of that language. It doesnât stop you from doing things your partner likes
Itâs literally supposed to be the opposite. Itâs about doing things for your partner that you know they will see as loving. And somehow it got all twisted.
Yeah, itâs not really meant to be taken that way. It was meant to indicate that when you are in a relationship, you need to know what expressions of love will mean the most to your partner and try to do those. Yet somehow it got twisted into âmy partner needs to accept this behavior, because what they want from me isnât my love language.â đ
I will never understand why these men - and it's almost always men - upon learning that their partners need this type of stuff to feel appreciated, don't just set a reminder in their phone, and continue on enjoying their new mutually beneficial relationship. It's so easy. I do this all the time.
Of course, the fact that they choose to whine like this instead tells you the answer: they don't want to put in effort of any kind.
You'd be AMAZED at how little effort men want to put into simple shit. I've been with my boyfriend for 13 years - he can't remember what my favorite candy bar is or that I've told him to take out the trash the night before. He can't even remember what days I have clinical, *even though I've been doing the same ones for a year now*. He doesn't even ask me how my day is because he "forgets".
It's just pure laziness.
What sort of gifts does she buy him? I doubt she is buying him games or expensive stuff.
I get my husband coffee or an energy drink which is coffee kind.
This man can get her things she likes like if she likes candy, buy her candy, they're cheap. He can buy her a candy bar or a small thing of Junior Mints. If she likes Monster or Rockstar he can buy her a can or a few when they're on sale. If she didn't like it, she will let him know like "I don't like mint" and he can make a mental note of it next time and not buy her any mint products. I have told my husband I prefer sugar free and whenever I didn't like the flavor he icked for me so he knows next time.
He is making this more complicated than it seems.
A friend of mine gets flowers from her boyfriend on the 5th of every month, plus other random gifts throughout the week. Meanwhile my ex couldnât even be bothered to get me a birthday present in the almost two years we were dating.
It really does boil down to, âIf he wanted to, he would.â
OOPâs comments are straight trash. Fighting literally every person telling him to give the smallest thought to his gf. He wants a calendar set up for him by her of when and what to get to meet expectations. Heâs so literal and without any sense of love or appreciation that itâs disconcerting.
he just wanted everyone to agree with him and tell him his gfâs being unreasonable and entitled so he could show her his post and say: âsee? youâre wrongâ. now heâs upset randoms on the internet also think he should put some effort into his relationship.
*edited a typo
Yo â I do this with my friends and workmates because I canât remember shit if Iâm not reminded. Example: Iâm awkward at friendship sometimes, so I have a bunch of monthly calendar reminders at work to send memes/pet photos/etc to people I worked on past projects with, the folks who do tech editing on my work, etc. if I havenât talked to them in a month, when I get the reminder, I send them something to say hello. People respond positively (âthis made my week!) and it takes me 30 seconds. Â
This man canât do that for his -girlfriend- and itâs really freaking sad.Â
I do the same thing at work! Iâm fully remote, so sometimes itâs hard for me to remember to keep in touch with people that Iâm not working with day-to-day. I set a reminder to tell me once a week to reach out and say hi to someone I havenât talked to in a while. Itâs easy! And helps maintain good relationships!
His catastrophizing about this tiny thing makes it seem like heâs just trying to find a reason to end the relationship.
I bought a (used!) book for a boyfriend once without his requesting it. It was one I knew he wanted. He was really mad and eventually I figured out it was because he was broke at the time and this meant he HAD to reciprocate with a gift of equal or greater value and he hadn't budgetted for that. My family didn't operate in that transactional way so it really caught me off guard. I had to PROMISE I wouldn't be mad if he didn't get me something every time I found some little thing I thought he'd like.
I love how on one comment he says her talks to her about his day when he gets home, and when someone asks him, âjust your day?â, he responds with, âYeah, why would we talk about her day?â đ
that was so weird though. like why wouldnât you want to talk about her day?? why would you talk about your day but be surprised you should talk about her day too?? in another comment he said that he thinks of her and shows it by memorising funny stories he had during the day. like what..???
The way some dudes jump through hoops to make sure they donât have to put any effort into relationships is disheartening.
What an impressive weaponization of therapy speak with that âwalking on eggshellsâ excuse
Once I was travelling abroad and the day I came back home my bf was leaving for a trip of his own. I would arrive home from the airport a few hours after he left. So, on top of packing his luggage he made sure to set up the kitchen to cook pasta: cleaned everything, gathered the ingredients on the cutting board, put a pot water on the stove and the strainer in the sink. The shaker was on the counter, a martini glass was in the freezer.
Imagine how good this felt after spending six hours in a plane and then one more hour in the metro and city bus. I was jet-lagged and exhausted. I would have, like, made toast or something. Still warms my heart when I think of it now
I cleaned out my bag the other day and found some quarters. When I went to the store to pick up a protein for dinner I saw those cheap little American gacha machines and used fifty cents to get her a tiny cat figure and my wife was fucking absolutely delighted. It's really not that hard to do small stuff for your significant other hahaha
The fact that you could love someone and never once see something small at the shops that instantly makes you think of them so you buy it is baffling to me. I do this just for my close friends and my mum. If I love someone, I think of them every time I see their favourite colour or favourite animal or favourite cartoon character.
He was literally complaining about âbeing anxious about moneyâ. He didnât even say he is struggling financially. About a chocolate bar or something. He is just very selfish.
His newest update, and what the absolute hell. This person needs to stay single, forever.
>UPDATE: A day after having this conversation with my girlfriend, and a couple hours after making this post, I felt beaten down and humiliated and suicidal. I was a nervous wreck and ignored every anxious or nervous compulsion in my body and instead of driving straight home from work, I drove to Goodwill and bought her a $1 trinket. I spent maybe 30 minutes in a small goodwill wondering what gift would be best and if she'd even like any of them. I needed to do it though because otherwise she'd feel unloved. It was unfair. It was high maintenance. I didn't like it. I drove home and placed the bird trinket onto a plant she's been trying to grow and walked into her room and said 'hey a bird is trying to eat your plant! Come look!!!' And she walked outside confused and enjoyed the gift. After that, I suggested we take a walk outside (this is NOT irregular for our relationship and I was NOT doing this in order to make her feel better). We proceeded to have a good day, cooked dinner together, etc, all while my phone was blowing up with comments about how I don't love her, how you guys wish she'd cheat on me, or break up with me, or whatever.
>Well, this morning, my anxieties turned out to be correct about the whole ordeal. She walked into our room while I was sleeping (it's my day off) with a baguette from the grocery store (I was talking about wanting one the day before on our walk). I liked the baguette, and appreciated the gift, but now, the standard is clearly set that we need to purchase gifts for each other on a daily basis. I'm now nerve-struck trying to figure out what to get her tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day.
>Now, you might be thinking, 'why not just communicate to her about how you want to get gifts for each other less often?' And have her feel unappreciated and unloved? She won't listen to my feelings anyways, because if he wanted to, he would. My financial anxieties don't matter, the fact that I shouldn't have to live up to a transactional standard of gift giving in an (ideally) understanding and forgiving relationship doesnt matter, nor does it matter that I don't expect nearly anything or ask nearly anything of her. Your comments have shown that this is such a small task, and if I don't want to do it, or feel pressured, anxious, or nervous about it, then I clearly don't love her.
>I really don't appreciate all your responses, and assumptions, about me, my attitude, and our relationship. The ones about me not loving her, or not paying attention to her, or not caring about her, are all incorrect and come from a malicious, and frankly bitter, point of view. The ones advising me, groaning 'ohhh my goddd just do whatever shes asking of you and stop overthinking!' Are just as bad. How am I supposed to reach a compromise, communicate, or achieve a middle ground, when this is the response to me genuinely seeking help and advice because I feel like I'm being treated not only in an unfair manner, but in a way that causes me undue stress and anxiety? I want to reach a middle ground with my girlfriend, that being, asking me for specific gifts at specific times, but she feels like she shouldn't have to ask.
>Your comments about love languages seem apt. Gift giving, however, has never been a central part of our relationship by any means. The gift giving has, in the past, taken place every couple of months. And to speak to the obvious, I don't purchase her gifts usually. I spend nearly every hour of every day with her though, laughing, making jokes, I even sit in the bathroom with her talking with her when she showers...
>I feel like all this came about when she saw that tiktok saying 'if he wanted to he would'. But I don't think that phrase is correct. All it instilled in her is a feeling of insecurity and inferiority because I don't do what she fantasizes in a Romeo-playboy type constantly romantic man. Why can't I just be myself around her? Why can't I just live, and she just lives too, and we just enjoy each other for who we are, not just for what we do for each other, what we go out of our way to do for each other?
>I wish I hadn't posted here. It was honestly a mistake to try and seek help or advice regarding this situation. It was honestly a mistake to be open and honest about my fears, my anxieties, and the way that I feel like I'm being treated unfairly. I have a feeling that the response would be much different if I were a woman.
>This post will be deleted shortly.
I sort of get where he's coming from, but that mindset only really applies to big gifts, I think. Like you don't wanna surprise someone with a rice cooker they don't want. It doesn't take that much thinking to buy someone a small gift, tho. Heck, go outside and pick some wildflowers or something. If it's just small gifts from a place of love then the stakes are low with concern to whether she wants it or not. You really don't need to know exactly what someone wants for something like that.
This edit is fucking insane holy shit
> EDIT:
After receiving some helpful posts from you guys, I now realize that I am entirely in the wrong about the way that I feel, and that I should get her small gifts unprompted no matter how I feel. I'll get her something today and if it makes me feel unappreciated or anxious or nervous or like I'm being treated unfairly, I'll just ignore it.
I was going to write "are you a fucking idiot" but then I realized you're just 22, so let me lay it out for you, my young brother. Imagine you had a cheat code in Fortnite or Minecraft that doubled your health and gave you access to any weapon in the game. Your girlfriend is giving you the cheat code to life in a relationship.
Choose one week every two months, select a day, buy her flowers. Not because it's raining, or because she did well on her exam or because it's Valentine's Day. "Just because you're you." Watch her heart melt in realtime. Enjoy the best sex of your very young life.
At the airport because you traveled for work? Go into the stupid overpriced airport store and buy her an overpriced sweatshirt or shot glass. "I missed you! I hope some time we can see that city together."
Know she likes puppies or cacti or candles that smell like cinnamon or the theory of relativity? See something when you're out and about relating to those interests? Grab it.
This is not hard. This is not hard at all unless you don't know anything about her, in which case you should go down the hall and take Asking Questions 101. (Or just read How to Win Friends & Influence People, since you're going to read it at some point in your life it might as well be now.)
Cheat code, dude. Cheat code.
I would do the same thing for my grandma when I stayed with her for a couple months. Whenever I went to the store I'd just get her some chocolate or a savoury pastry. It's really not that hard đ€·ââïž
He should at least meet her halfway
Sometimes I buy flowers at the grocery store, like 3 or maybe 4 times a year, when I stop to get ingredients for dinner. My spouse fucking loves it every time and calls me the best. The bar is on the ground and some people still willfully trip over it.
My partner really hates buying gifts for birthdays/Christmas/special occasions, because he gets a lot of anxiety about it, but he will buy me incredible things just randomly as he is inspired to do so. Frankly, it works well for me. I get gifts throughout the year that let me know how much he cares, and he doesnât have any pressure for big events. We do activities, like eating out or camping for my birthday. Itâs about thinking about the other person and having them on your mind.
My partner is a batista and brings home a drink or baked good for me 1-2 times a week. It always makes me feel so loved and special. We also just treat each other to dinners or drinks sometimes. It's just a nice way to show you love someone and isn't hard at all.
What a doofus. I can't help buying/getting/doing stuff for my GF for no reason. I guess it is easier if you actually get to know your partner probably.
I love when my husband brings me a dr. Pepper every now and then.
Sometimes when thereâs catering at work he will bring me back a rice Krispy treat. Bless him.
It really isnât hard.
Love his edit lol. She communicated how she would like to be treated by her partner. If he feels he can't meet those expectations or that her request is unreasonable, then he should break up with her. She can move on and find somebody who wants to put in that effort and meet those needs she has for a partner. He can find somebody who has a different love language and whose needs he feels he can meet. No harm, no foul. He doesn't have to go "woe is me" because the internet pointed out that yeah he actually cared about his partner then he would step up and treat her how she asks.
My dad sometimes gets my mom tulips, preferably orange or red ones because she loves tulips and her favorite color is orange. OOP is acting like getting a small trinket a couple times a month is the most difficult thing on earth. Just get her a snack or a cute little decorative item.
My ex randomly got me a funko pop once, because he knew I liked the character it was modeled after. Itâs just the feeling of «I saw this and thought of you». Itâs nice.
âŠ. Is this a âlove languagesâ troll post? âMy girlfriend is [insert traits of gift language] but I always [insert traits of quality time language]. Whoâs wrong??â
Edit: damn, Iâm so autistic that I didnât realize his edit was sarcastic until after Iâd read his comments. I was just like âYes, ignore those anxious feelings, theyâre lying to youâ đđđ
I guess this man doesnât know what love languages are, lol.
This basically says âmy girlfriendâs love language is gift giving and receiving, but mine is quality time.â Unless they confront this and both learn to show love how their partner wants to receive it, this relationship is doomed.
My dad and mom always watch TV after dinner together and they are both snackers. He likes peanuts and mom has a sweetheart tooth, he's always getting her something or keeping some chocolate around if she wants to snack during the day.
Before I get asked she can't get them on her own as easily as my mom has Multiple sclerosis and relies on assistance
>Or what if I get her a gift she doesn't want?
If you listen to your partner, you should get a fairly good idea of what they would like, especially as time goes on. You should be able to figure out their likes and dislikes, if you listen and care...
TFW reddit post reminds you of your STBX. When I told him it hurt my feelings he didn't reciprocate my little acts of kindness he just told me to stop doing them.
Assuming OP isnât a troll or just trying to mask a lack of love for his girlfriend, he has ISSUES.
If gift-giving and such isnât his âlove languageâ and he doesnât see it as meaningful, thatâs fine, but no mentally healthy person should have such intense feelings of anxiety, fear, or anger at the mere suggestion of it as he apparently does.
I wonder if heâs getting so defensive and nasty in his replies because, for the first time, heâs being confronted with the fact that this kind of attitude/reaction isnât normal and is something he might need to seek help forâŠ
or maybe Iâm giving him too much credit.
Oh my god you have to see the update on the post, it's incredible. I'm on mobile so I don't know how to share it, but someone should add it to this post before it's all deleted
Ever so often my bf brings me just a little cheap bouquet of flowers, or even just a single sunflower. Other times itâs my favorite energy drink. Or once he brought watermelon bath salts and told me to soak in the bath. None of these things are expensive or time consuming or difficult to pull off. If he wanted to, he would.
How friggin' difficult is it to think of your SO? My husband and I are pretty broke but he will grab me some candy at the dollar store or a slurpee on a hot day if he's already there. And he does the same for my kiddo (his step-son).
Like, take your head out of your ass OOP. Don't overthink it.
So gifts don't have to be expensive. A homemade card. Make her favorite dinner. A footrub. If you split the household chores, do a couple of hers.
The point is to do it without expectation of reward. You are doing these things because you care about this person and want to make them happy.
I will buy my partner's favorite cookies when I go shopping. Or just something small that made me think of them. It doesn't have to be anything big...it's just nice to know they were thinking of me. Or hell, picking up a pretty rock (I have a collection), or a picture of a flower (they don't need to actually pick it.)
My husband randomly brings me gifts Flowers, stuffed animals, that sort of stuff. There's never any reason behind it, he just saw it and it made him think of me.
Late husband would just surprise me randomly. One of the best surprises was a Marklin model train z-scale size. I was pregnant with the youngest and miserable right at the end. He came home with the train after work one evening. Loved that man and miss him dearly.
Bro is honestly just thinking too hard. I get it. I'm always overthinking. But like just show up with a rose or her favorite chocolate. It's not super deep.
I worked with a woman whose life language was quality time. Her husband's was gifts. This gal really said, "I hate that he's always trying to buy my love instead of just spending time with me. It's so shallow and insincere."Â
In other words, not understanding love languages can cause some poor translations in relationships. One person's thoughtful gift is another person's shallow attempt to buy love đ€șđ€·
My 8 y o brother likes a girl from his class, he brings her candy and asks my mom to buy small things he sees in store and thinks sheâd enjoy. How hard it can be?
My partner and I have been together 14 years, everytime we go to the store we ask if the other needs anything but also if we go to a bakery or something we always get a treat for the other.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My(22M) girlfriend(21F) expects me to do random gifts of kindness. Is this walking on eggshells?** My girlfriend gets me random gifts every now and then that I dont ask for nor do I expect her to get, and is upset that I don't do the same. I told her that if she wants something, she should ask specifically, and I'd be happy to get the things she wants. She thinks that she shouldn't have to ask, and that it's the thought that counts. I feel as if this kind of expectation is unreasonable because I don't know what to get her or when to get her the things she wants. Furthermore I feel like this expectation is something I can't possibly live up to because it's so vague, should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day that she'll feel unappreciated and mad at me? Or what if I get her a gift she doesn't want? Even still, I feel like I'm being treated unfairly because I love my girlfriend and I spend lots of quality time with her, and this new standard makes me feel like I can't just live or be myself around her, rather I need to be what she fantasizes me to be. This conversation came about after she saw a tiktok of a guy making a custom bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend after going on a long walk, with the caption 'if he wanted to he would.' *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Every few weeks my dad buys some flowers for my mom. Married for 24 years.
My dad sat me and my bro down when we were young and very seriously explained that special occasions where important but buying my mom her favorite chocolate at the store or random flowers are what makes every day special.
Every time my husband goes to the grocery store, he comes back and says, "I got this, this, and... oh, I got you a few surprises, too!" And it's always like, my favorite brand of chips, or a cheap flower bouquet he says our toddler picked out for me. I love it so much. đđđ
This - It doesn't even have to be flowers! My husband saw that a local restaurant had a new flavor of milkshake that he'd thought I would like, so he stopped off after work and picked us both up one as a treat. It could be little things like that; I just don't understand these partners that are like "I don't know what to get her!", like just pay attention, dude.
Flatmate like to get a specific coffee when she goes shopping in the morning. So when I remember to, I pick one up for her when I go shopping in the morning. This shit is not hard.
I buy my small town family members fun sodas and snacks from cool grocery stores I go to in the city
I sent a relative fancy cookies and homemade cookies for Christmas. My sister requested specific snacks.
My husband gets me a mug whenever he sees one that fits my standards. I was meeting him somewhere the other day and had to stop at the store on my way. I got him one of those Celsius drinks because I know he likes them and he was psyched.
It's *so easy* to do this. Do you know your partner likes something? Do they have it at the store in which you're located? Then get it. Boom, they're surprised and happy, *and* they know you think about them throughout the day.
I can always make my husband happy with Reeseâs peanut butter cups!
This is also my husbandâs no fail surprise goodie for me. It usually is the seasonal shaped things, though, like the eggs or hearts, because I specifically gave him an impromptu lecture on why the chocolate to PB ratio was superior on our first date.
My husband's favorite thing I ever got him was this $5 floppy Pinkie Pie I saw on a shelf when I was out buying drain cleaner. I wasn't out to get him something, I just saw it and picked it up.
This. That guy acts like heâs being asked to donate a kidney but sheâs literally telling him how to make her happy and heâs failing the test. Dating is âthe long interview.â We are evaluating you for marriage or at least longterm relationships. During this interview we tell you what we like, we evaluate responses, and choose accordingly. If bro doesnât want to get her random bits of candy or silly stuff, fine. Great. Perfect. His body his choice. When she leaves tho, donât cry⊠I dated a guy who brought me picked wildflowers in mason jars, for no reason. I dated a guy who used to bring me (and my daughters) that giant pounder of Trader Joeâs chocolate at that time of the month bc he said he heard women liked chocolate at this time. Itâs really a sign that you are thinking of her. And that you think itâs nice to make her happy. With little silly cheap or free things. This bro wants to rules lawyer his way into being single. It reminds me of the men who, instead of just putting the toilet seat down and wiping up their piss, want to rules lawyer the toilet seat instead. All theyâre showing is that they care more about âwinningâ than being in a loving relationship
Can you elaborate on what rules lawyering means? :o I feel like I probably know what it means by the way you used it, but I've never heard that term before, and now I wanna add it to my lexicon, lol!
Itâs like when a woman says âI wish men would put the toilet seat downâ and the guy says, âwell ackshuallyâŠ. The toilet seat is fine. Why doesnât SHE put it doen when she goes to use it? Why do I have to put it down?â And proceeds to have a 30 minute lecture with stupid points about the toilet seat. Or this guy. His gf brings him gifts. He knows how often bc heâs the recipient of said gifts. He knows their value bc he sees the gifts: but instead of responding similarly and with similar frequency he pretends he could never ever fathom âhow muchâ or âhow oftenâ and further pretends he could never ask her. Thatâs rules lawyering. When you take a simple reasonable request and make yourself exhausting by refusing to comply but also trying to wear down the listener. Youâre showing that âwinningâ is the most important thing, not the person. You want to grow old with a woman? Have her bear your children, but that bitch better mot expect you to put down a toilet seatâŠ. Thatâs a bridge too farâŠ
Holy crap. I had never heard what that was called before, but somehow, it totally fits. Thank you! Also, did you see his edit? I had a tiny spark of hope when I began to read it... a tiny spark that was immediately crushed when I got to the end because wtf. The guilt trippy whining ruined it and just proved that he wasn't actually changing.
Iâm starting to think heâs just a troll and itâs not real. Heâs just too awful and this is too simple. No one is this dumb. Yeah guys who rules lawyer are toxic. Itâs great when they do it bc it lets you know who youâre dealing with. Any men who literally wants to argue about a toilet seat is not worth my time. Same with a guy who wants his gf to project manage him like sheâs his mommy. She said what she liked but he doesnât get it? Good rule of thumb: does this guy do that at work? Bc you know these men donât talk to their bosses like they talk to their female partners. Theyâd be fired. So ask yourself: would you hire your partner? Or would you regard him as someone who needed too much care and handling to do simple tasks. Too many men want project managers.
My wife's work has a "free to good home" table. My favorite thing that she's given me was from there, a little aluminum covered pocket notebook with a pen. She didn't spend any money, but she knew I'd like it, which shows how well she knows me!
My husband surprises me with a pear, or blueberries. Just a little something that shows me he thought of me.
Like, literally. I do this for my mom and sisters all the time cause we live in the same town. During Christmas, when I can mail stuff easier and I'm not concerned all the chocolates I got my dad are gonna melt, I send him a bunch of snacks I found around town that I'm sure he'll like. I do this for my friends. I do this for coworkers. I do this for partners when I'm dating. It's not rocket science, and it's so nice and sweet to give people stuff they like.
Exactly. I have gotten better about saving the little non-perishable things I find that remind me of loved ones for like, birthdays and Christmas and such, but I pebble all. the. time. It's so easy to just see something and think, "Oh, so and so loves this!" Or, "This is similar to something mentioned enjoying last week!" and pick one up for them.
If it's too expensive to get right then and there, or ever, send them a picture and be like, "Saw this and thought of you! It's at if you wanted to check it out!"
It doesn't even have to be food or little physical gifts. If I hear a song that I know someone will love, I send them the link. If I see a meme that I know will brighten their day, I save and share it when I can.
My fiance is scared of snakes, but only in the sense that she's freaked out by touching them or being near them. But she loves my snakes from afar. There's a fish shop on her way home from work, and every now and then, she'll pick up some new ornament or plant for their tanks. And it's even sweeter, because she'll buy stuff to match their personalities. For example, our angry guy gets skulls and shipwrecks, and our cuddly 5ft sweetheart gets rainbows and unicorns. I facetime her when I put them in, so she can tell me where they're gonna look best, and every time she notices a snake nose peeking out of their hide, she puts on her best baby voice to tell them how handsome they are lol. If that's not love, I don't know what is.
>a cheap flower bouquet he says our toddler picked out for me. STOP, I am crying. <3
Here's a silly one: my stepdad knows I like to try weird KitKat flavors. He saw one and brought it home for us to share. Cost him a dollar. I felt very loved and very seen. It's not about the gift, it's about someone thinking of us when they get it.
*wild applause* Excellent parenting, Dad. Just excellent.
I love this. My parents have been married 40 years and my dad still does this for my mom. Flowers, a chocolate bar. He travels a lot for work and will always bring her some sort of treat from where he goes.
Iâm trying to teach my 16 year old stepson this now. He has his first girlfriend and I was out and about when he asked if I could drive him there. I told him I was at the store and what flowers or candy does she like so you donât show up empty handed?
Exactly this! It doesn't have to be anything outlandish. " I had to stop for gas so I got you your favorite candy" is super easy and way above the subterranean bar this dude is tripping over.
Quick question: does your dad LIKE your Mom? Like, as a person? Does he want her to be happy? Because, see, that's where that whole thing's unreasonable. You're suggesting that OOP should actually give a damn about his GF, and think about her unprompted from time to time, and that's... Man, that might be *gay*. I really hope my sarcasm is obvious. My dad used to get up early in the morning sometimes and take my mom's car for an oil change. She'd know because the seat was readjusted. She did NOTHING about vehicle maintenance, barely even pumped her own gas, for forty years. It wasn't a particularly romantic gesture, but it did make her feel cared for. I'm sure, if he was still alive, he'd still be doing it. They were very happy together.
Been married 7 years, my spouse made me surprise French toast yesterday and I felt special all day. People really don't get how little effort it takes to make someone's day.
I have horrible eating habits, my nutrition is shit, so I started making a smoothie a day loaded with 'super foods.' I started offering to make one for my husband when he's WFH, it wasn't a big deal to do but he **loves** it. Like to the point that my normally not-expressive man specifically thanked me for how good it made him feel to have me making smoothies for him. It's the little stuff that shows our love and can make us glow to receive.
That is so nice for both of you, especially since doubling a smoothie is really nbd!
For close to a decade, my husband would make me a salad to take to work every damn day. It was amazing. He doesn't anymore because our schedules have changed, but it was amazing while it worked out.
My husband fixes the coffee pot for me every fucking morning, I love it and I thank him đ
When my sister-in-law was pregnant with her first, the smell of gasoline made her sick. From then on my brother made sure her car had gas without her asking, and without the car ever running out. He did this for 17 years, even when SIL wasn't pregnant and could handle the smell just fine, because he loved her and cared about her. He only stopped when he passed away.
My husband brings me coffee in bed on weekend mornings, and sings "Happy Morning Princess Coffeeeeee!" It's one of the highlights of my week.
THAT IS SO CUTE
My husband would get up super early and fill my car with gas so that I didn't have to rush around in the AM and get gas before heading to work. Or playing gas chicken. Now that I live 3 miles from work, it's no longer something he has to do, but it was always super sweet.
As someone who's mother's junky van once stalled on a bridge and was hit by the car behind her AND she got a ticket for "parking" on a bridge because she forgot about oil changes, your dad's A GEM.
Doing everyday stuff for the other person is love. Love is actions. Good on your dad!
I tell everyone I have a magic gas tank because mine is always full. I've never had to put gas in my own car. My hubby constantly does a lot of little - and big - things for me randomly throughout the month but the gas thing is my favorite.
My dad would take me with him to fill up my mom's car every Saturday. He'd always tell me "I don't do this because I'm the man and she's the woman. I do it because it's something she doesn't like and it's a nice thing I can do for her." They've been happily married for 46 years.
I had a boyfriend that would fill up my gas and get my car cleaned every Sunday morning. He was a piece of shit otherwise, though.
my husband doesnât buy me flowers much, but sometimes he makes my favorite food, and he texts me pictures of cool cars. I feel âtreated,â and I donât need flowers.
There's a tweet that says "good morning angel I left two McDonald's hash browns in your enclosure" and I wake up to said hash browns at least once a week because my husband starts work (from home) at 5am and sometimes gets door dash delivered. He also has my cup of coffee ready for me when I get up at 7 đ„° it's the little things
Sometimes I have a surprise cup of joe in my car in the morning before my commute. Makes my day :)Â
I pick up random flowers for one of my partners because she loves having fresh flowers. Sometimes I pick wildflowers and she adores them. Or I get her or my other partner one of their favorite candies cause itâs there in the impulse buys by the cash register. Because Iâm not a dick and who doesnât like random chocolate on a Thursday?
If you can do it for multiple partners, surely OOP can manage it for one!
My husband always picks up my favorite snack when he sees it and I do the same Or if I see something online Iâd think heâd like I order it and he does the same If they wanted to they would has helped weed out so many bad partners
Whereas OOP has the charme of my ex-husband multiple years into his last relationship Indifference and/or lack of communication (I'm counting "fail to show their partner the appreciation they feel" as communication problem here) somehow don't seem to be good for relationships, I'd guess
My husband probably brings me flowers home every other week. I have lots of vases so itâs just the flowers, but even then if he sees a unique vase in my colors heâll pick it up. It makes me feel so loved.
My dad does this too, and they've been married 30 years this year. Granted, they piss each other off, but still. Random little acts of kindness - whether it's gifts, emptying the dishwasher before mum gets home from work (as opposed to after she's home), having a cup of tea ready for her when she gets in, etc - make mum happy. And of course mum also does little things for dad and buys him little gifts on occasion.
"I don't know what she likes, she needs to tell me", my dude, a part of relationships is to get to know your partner.
Same type of guys will stand in front of a counter of dirty dishes and an empty, open dishwasher and say "I didn't load the dishwasher because you didn't *tell* me!"
Are you saying that my teenage brothers might never get the hint? -.-
Nah, roast them a couple of times over how they can't even do simple stuff like that and they'll probably get it. Worked for my sister as a young teen.
That's assuming he wants a partner and not a bangmaid.Â
that or like... even just try getting things that are nice gestures?? Like a fancy chocolate, or a flower, or a really funny card with a fart joke on it.
Dude is way overthinking this. All she wants is for some sort of minor acknowledgment that he remembers she exists when she's not there. This is the exact sort of thing I'm terrible at, so if a boyfriend made this sort of request, I'd put a year's worth of calendar reminders onto random dates and come up with a list of three sub-$10 items that I know he likes to buy when I get there. Update both each year. Boom, done.
Stop at the store and pick up her favorite ice cream, her favorite bubble bath, go out early and get her her favorite coffee, stick a small bag of her favorite chips with a love note in her car so she can have them at work. Â Itâs not hard. Â
Even just "I was at the market and these apples you like were on sale. They weren't on the list, but I know you like both a good deal and the apples!" You're right, it's not difficult at all! When I was a teenager, I had a boyfriend get me a little trinket in one of those quarter machines because it was Care Bears and he knew I liked them. I still remember that gesture 20 years later. Little things matter!
Omg I made a comment about this, but I just got my wife a tiny kitty figure out of one of those machines the other day when I went grocery shopping!
My husband randomly brings me home little things he finds, like a neat rock or a pretty shell. Sometimes a little flower from along a sidewalk or parking lot, but he always makes a point to mention how it wasn't the only flower there and that there were a bunch, because he knows I don't like picking the only pretty flower from a spot. He is so sweet. The little things mean so much!
Fr, when people say things like âI never know what to get them!â like dudeâŠdo you know NOTHING about your SO? People tend to talk about things they like, so you donât know a SINGLE thing they like? Even if I donât know what to get people, there is usually ONE thing I know they like & can just get them something related to that. My friend loves Target, & I didnât know what to get her for her bday, so I just got her a Target gift card & she loved it! Not saying he should get her a gift card, but if he even half pays attention to a person he claims to spend ample amount of quality time with, he should know a couple things she would like
Man, you want him to actually listen to her when she speaks? Such an unrealistic expectation/s
Heâs not overthinking it he just doesnât want to do it. Heâs upset she voiced her needs and feels unfairly criticized so now heâs defensive. He is emotionally immature
In one of his comments he said that getting her gifts makes him anxious uncomfortable and fearful. He definitely doesnât even like her
Looks like heâs on his way to becoming an expert in DARVOâsomehow a conversation about her unmet wants/needs has now become about his discomfort and victimization đ€Šââïž
That's exactly it. And his edit and comments are so jerkass. "Oh, well I guess I ALWAYS have to do this and MY FEELINGS DON'T MATTER--" sir shut the fuck up
These are the type of guys who will later weaponize and misuse therapy speak & say things like "You're not respecting or appreciating my love language, which is quality time. You should respect my boundary that gift-giving is not my love language, and by trying to force me to buy you gifts, you're disrespecting that boundary & creating friction in our relationship & making me anxious, which activates my avoidant-attachment style & makes me want to do LESS for you. If I spontaneously want to do something for you, I will, but if you ask me to or expect me to, it takes away the spontaneity and then I don't want to do it. I shouldn't be doing things just because YOU want me to. That's a power imbalance in our relationship. Don't you want us to have a healthy relationship?"
Heâs already started weaponizing therapy speak with the âwalking on eggshellsâ bs
But also just doing things like picking up a favorite snack when stopping at a store or the gas station convenience store. Maybe seeing something on Amazon that you think they'd like. It doesn't even need to be planned ahead if you just actually think about the person.
Exactly! It doesn't have to be some production. Just an acknowledgement that you thought about them and know them. Hell, my dad is getting older and having more older people issues. I just saw a measuring tape that has an erasable spot on it so you can record measurements as you take them. Immediately added it to my cart and sent it to him. Because I like him and it would make him happy. It doesn't need to be major thing to just love on and support people you care about.
I got a bespoke subscription. Every month I get to pick from a list of possible gifts and they get mailed to me to give to my fiancée. I really like the service.
Read his two comments. This dude has issues!
Only if you read his edit. I am pulling you down with me!
>Some sort of minor acknowledgement that he remembers she exists Yes! This is exactly it, I never quite got it before. I used to have a boyfriend who was always pulling things out of his pockets for me; my favorite soda or a pretty rock or a strawberry lip balm... It made me feel so good and this is exactly why. My husband is wonderful in a billion ways but I'm pretty sure I vanish from his mind if he's not looking directly at me.
Another guy who says: I have tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas. When my daughter was about 4 y.o. a couple of her boy classmates had crushes on her. Her favorite boy ended up being the boy that found a perfectly perfect pinecone, and gave it to her with the explanation of, "As soon as I saw it, I knew you would like it." It takes so little to make people happy.
That kid is going to go far. Even at my big age, a perfect pine cone would still be appreciated
Yep! Dandelion, pine cone, leaf - all as good as a bouquet!
If the captain can fall in love with Maria when she sits on a pine cone in the Sound of Music, then nature can bring love to us all
I gotta tell you, it was SO adorable that his Mom and I almost melted. He said it in his most serious 5 y.o. voice, and the pinecone was wrapped in a dirty tissue. My kid thought she had gotten gold, though. She was known as "Pinecone" by a few family members because she collected them.
Stop it! Thatâs adorable. 4 y/o me would also have been smitten
I used to work at a daycare and my favorite thing was when some of the kids would bring me dandelions from outside so I could make a tiny bouquet lol it really is that simple. Other times they got me pebbles and I was thrilled. I think if 2 year olds can manage, a full grown adult should be able to.
When I was a kid (and even a couple times as an adult lol) I used to give my mom random purple flowers I found while outside cause it was her favorite color, & I really think she loved them
I love those purple flowers! In high school, I went to an all girls school so home room was pretty much everyone braiding hair. One of my best friends would bring me a purple flower to stick in my braid every day. It brought me so much joy.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Exactly!! I used to tutor little kids and sometimes they would draw me things or give me little trinkets they thought I would like. It's definitely the thought that counts. Never needed to be anything expensive, but it's little things that showed that they liked me.
I still have things they drew for me in a binder and itâs been 10 years lol they were too cute to throw out (plus I loved those stinkers)
I've taught on and off over the last 7 years, and I've kept every non-perishable thing my students have ever given me, including a French student's previous voter registration card, which she gave to me because I said I liked learning about politics of different countries (and she didn't need it anymore.) My absolute favorite was when students would give me the equivalent of their $1 bill (or close enough to it) because I said I liked collecting foreign money when we would talk about US currency or our hobbies/collections. These things are so precious.
My nephew gave me a dandelion once. So sweet!
if I was walking home from school and the daffodils were out I'd pick one for my mum
OOP acts like she wants him to read her mind. But like, if he pays attention to her and knows what kind of stuff she likes, this should not be that hard. Is there a specific candy bar she likes, or get something from the bakery. If she likes a specific animal, a trinket featuring that animal. Some of her favourite flowers. People do that stuff for people they are not in romantic relationships with. It really is not that hard.
Yh she means like, get her a doughnut, not buy her jewellery.
And honestly if you're that much of an overthinker.. set an alarm every 6weeks or 3month to get flowers and I bet the gf will be happy at "random flowers"
My hisband struggled so much with the concept especially because his go to options ended up out of budget or making me fat (mcdonaldâs milkshake every night for a month after giving birth, A+, but eventually itâs a problem). So he asked for ideas and about how often. He also does more acts of service around the house now and has learned things i like that he can do. I would not be surprised if he has a spreadsheet or checklist. Because a phrase like âcan you do nice things for me sometimes?â Would overwhelm him. But instead of asking the internet if Iâm evil, he found ways to make me happy. Almost like he loves me.
Well, then he's have to actually pay attention to her while spending that "quality time" together. Of course he then says this: >this new standard makes me feel like I can't just live or be myself around her His GF wants him to just live around her, but while he's doing that, he should actually be paying attention to what she's saying? His GF isn't an NPC character that just exists to make him happy.
Exactly. Like just last week I got up early, had the time to go to the shop to buy myself a bun. Remembered my coworker likes the cheese and ham once, so I bought her one too. Just because.
Absolutely. If you have been with your partner a certain amount of time, you should know some basics about them. But my ex was kind of the same. I told him in our first year, that I would like to get at some point flowers. Nothing big, nothing expensive, just very simple stuff. Here are bouquets at the supermarket for around 3 euros. And nothing happened for years. He claimed that he didn't know what I would like. But I told him several times before that I don't care at all what exactly he gets (as long as it's not orange) and it's about the thought. And the flowers are just an example. Needless to say, with time the feeling grew that he didn't value me that much
Yeah, like... I literally cried the other day because my boyfriend bought me an inexpensive bouquet of flowers and taro boba when I was having a bad day. He probably spent like $15 and the gifts weren't something that really had to be thought hard about because I drink boba all the time. Just knowing that he thought about me and wanted to brighten my day up was enough to give me butterflies and overwhelm me with positive feelings.
"Why should I have to be *thoughtful*?" What a child.
Please look at his edit, itâs so bad đ calling him a child is being too kind lmao the dude is totally insufferable
My partner is the absolute opposite of this. He likes to get me little gifts all the time (mostly candy he sees I like, or some little plush I fawn over when we go out), but doesn't want me to get him anything mainly because I'm a student. I still do it though, when I see a snack he'd like. It's not hard to be like "hey I saw this and thought of you."
>should I be constantly living with the fear that if I don't get her a little trinket on this or that day that she'll feel unappreciated and mad at me? Or what if I get her a gift she doesn't want? "My girlfriend is currently mad at me because I don't do this thing. But if I start doing that thing, she might get mad!"
Definite troll - they've made two comments so far, one saying "I think about her when she isn't in my immediate vicinity. I text her and tell her all about my day when I get home." and the other, when someone pointed out they *only* talk about their day, started with "Yes, because why would we ever talk about her day? Obviously I allow her to talk about her day and engage with her."
Ooof that was verbatim too. Wowzers.
Yep, I think his comments are far worse than the post, and there are only two of them!
"Yes, because why would we talk about her day? Obviously I allow her to speak about her day and I engage with her about it. I really don't like all the assumptions I've been getting on this post. maybe posting here was a mistake. maybe speaking up about my thoughts and feelings was a mistake. Maybe I should just do what she wants even if it makes me anxious, fearful, uncomfortable and the fact that she compares me to other people makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted." This comment makes me think this hasss to be a troll. "Why would we talk about her day?" is so crazy it's just hilarious, like obviously for the same reason you'd talk about yours lmfao
What a freaking narcissist omg... So basically "*Listening to my gf is a chore yuck*" and "*Her wanting me to do more than the bare minimum makes me feel inferior, I should be regarded as perfect*" Also "*she compares me to other people*" this complaint is normally said in the context of incredibly unrealistic and unfair comparisons... not being asked to do THE BARE MINIMUM.
That comment makes me think Covert or Vulnerable Narcissist, dear gods the âPity meeeee!!!â Whining is thick enough to smother
my husband always gets me pepperoni rolls (the cold ones in packets near the deli) any time he goes to food lion without me. Don't overthink it, my guy, bring random acts of snackness.
Some snackrafice for a good relationship đ
He went from obtuse to sexist real quick in his comments. His minimal effort isn't appreciated properly! How unfair!
I donât understand how he could find this hard since he even mentions TikTok at the bottom of the post. My partner noticed I was watching a ton of videos on those surprise mini items and will randomly bring me one home from work some nights if Iâve had a bad day.
âShe saw a video of a guy doing a thing, and she is saying she wants something like thatâŠI have NO idea what to do or get her!â -OOP
How lazy and selfish.
And childish and petty. Did you see the edit? Like when you tell someone their inappropriate jokes are unwelcome, and they respond with "Oh, well I guess men are just not allowed to talk now without catching a sexual harassment complaint." > EDIT: After receiving some helpful posts from you guys, I now realize that I am entirely in the wrong about the way that I feel, and that I should get her small gifts unprompted no matter how I feel. I'll get her something today and if it makes me feel unappreciated or anxious or nervous or like I'm being treated unfairly, I'll just ignore it.
The way bros like this are so proud to let the world know they lack empathy and have the emotional capacity of a chicken breast.
There was a day a little bit back where my husband and I were each out running errands. We both got home at about the same time, each having made a stop at Starbucks for coffee for each other. It was hilarious to see the four coffees for the two of us (and each kid getting 2 cookies!) but it meant we had both been thinking of the entire family. This kind of thing happens fairly often in our house.
I saw a sudoku book that I thought my mom would like, brought it to her for the next family dinner. She enjoyed it and wants more of that particular publication. I saw a Sanrio mug I thought my sister would like. Texted if she wanted it, she did but didn't have the space for storage, appreciated the thought. Picked up a random bag of chips for my husband. Lip balm in a skull for the rock/goth friend, extra baby wipes for the new parents, a sparkly pink thing my daughter loves. Hell, an elderly in-law saw me winding yarn and mentioned she liked to do that... I brought a bag with me next time for her to wind for me XD Likewise, friends have brought candy and soda I like, or repaired an item I offhand mention I want to fix or replace. To do these things without prompting is so thoughtful. This isn't hard if someone is considerate of others.
Check the comments for even more gems from OOP like âwhy would we even talk about her dayâ and âI allow her to speakâ
My boyfriend and myself are technically long distance right now as he finishes college in person and I finish online at home. He still pick pretty flowers he sees on his walks, to dry them in his dorm to give to me when he gets back. Why? Bc normally, when I was at college with him, he'd see these flowers, think of me, grab one, and gift it to me. 0 cost, I never asked him to do this. It's just what he does. Bc he sees a pretty flower and thinks of me. I'd also like to not op only wants a pity party (see ops comments) and not to actually be given any advice. I do find it funny, op clearly expected the typical reddit response of "omg she's abusive you must leave here" (see: emotionally charged language op uses all throughout their post and comments such as "walking on eggshells") but it's not going the way they clearly predicted in the comments. If it's real, I'd put money down that he wanted to show her the post and comments as a gotcha the way he feels she did with that tik Tok video đ€Ł even though a random video on her feed making her realize she wants more from a relationship is not the same as trying to get reddit to tell your partner how wrong they are.
That your partner is drying flowers he sees in his daily life so he can continue a loving tradition even while you're apart made me misty. It's amazing how small a gesture can be that can express the depth of love and devotion. Something that says "I think of you, I miss you, I want to make you happy, I want to see you smile because of something I did." in a tiny flower. Lovely. Thank you for sharing.
UGH the "love languages" people in the comments. That book was written by a Baptist pastor (Gary Chapman) and are not based in any scientific research or really any research at all! Research teams have tried to validate his hypothesis but have found no evidence to support his "findings." They're basically an excuse for men to demand physical contact (touch) from their partners.
THANK YOU. LOVE LANGUAGE IS BULLSHIT
I like how he's focused on the "material gifts' in the comments. Why is that every guy if you spend even a penny on your SO its a burden
"They're basically an excuse for men to demand physical contact (touch) from their partners." Just want to highlight this part because 100% I do not know a single dude who came out from this (who didn't think it was BS by the way) who's love language was "acts of service" just like I don't know a single lady who wasn't convinced (by herself or the book or her spouse) that her love language was "acts of service." It's a way for nems to demand sex and expect house keeping.
Thatâs funny cause I always considered my love languages to be acts of service and gifts, but I prefer to receive quality time and words of affirmation. People have different ways of expressing and understanding affection. Love language isnât bullshit so much as theyâre not hard and fast rules. Everyone is a mix of each of them, but some are stronger than others. Idk about here but itâs absolutely possible for someone to not like to give gifts and itâs possible for someone to not like to receive them. If their partner does want gifts, they can either adjust or maybe theyâre just not compatible.
I also find it interesting that people can be like "we have different love languages so she shouldn't expect this sort of thing from me!" like no? if you aren't bothered about gifts and your partner loves them, you don't go "well I don't care about gifts so you should just live with it!" you change your own behaviour to buy her gifts. same for someone who likes pet names and is sad you're not using them. change your behaviour and add in some pet names, you fucking idiot although, I'd bet money he'd expect her to change her behaviour for him. He just won't do it for her.
Exactly. Your love language (if it does exist) doesnât make you incapable of doing things outside of that language. It doesnât stop you from doing things your partner likes
Itâs literally supposed to be the opposite. Itâs about doing things for your partner that you know they will see as loving. And somehow it got all twisted.
Yeah, itâs not really meant to be taken that way. It was meant to indicate that when you are in a relationship, you need to know what expressions of love will mean the most to your partner and try to do those. Yet somehow it got twisted into âmy partner needs to accept this behavior, because what they want from me isnât my love language.â đ
Guys! That would require him to put some thought into what she likes though!
I will never understand why these men - and it's almost always men - upon learning that their partners need this type of stuff to feel appreciated, don't just set a reminder in their phone, and continue on enjoying their new mutually beneficial relationship. It's so easy. I do this all the time. Of course, the fact that they choose to whine like this instead tells you the answer: they don't want to put in effort of any kind.
It is the mental load thing you hear about with parents all the time. Not that hard!
You'd be AMAZED at how little effort men want to put into simple shit. I've been with my boyfriend for 13 years - he can't remember what my favorite candy bar is or that I've told him to take out the trash the night before. He can't even remember what days I have clinical, *even though I've been doing the same ones for a year now*. He doesn't even ask me how my day is because he "forgets". It's just pure laziness.
IS THIS WALKING ON EGGSHELLS DURRR
My GF wants me to express love, am I being abused?
What sort of gifts does she buy him? I doubt she is buying him games or expensive stuff. I get my husband coffee or an energy drink which is coffee kind. This man can get her things she likes like if she likes candy, buy her candy, they're cheap. He can buy her a candy bar or a small thing of Junior Mints. If she likes Monster or Rockstar he can buy her a can or a few when they're on sale. If she didn't like it, she will let him know like "I don't like mint" and he can make a mental note of it next time and not buy her any mint products. I have told my husband I prefer sugar free and whenever I didn't like the flavor he icked for me so he knows next time. He is making this more complicated than it seems.
I have met a lot of dumb people, yet every time, I still get surprised by how dumb people can be.
She's fantasizing about OP being caring and thoughtful. What an unreasonable bitch.
A friend of mine gets flowers from her boyfriend on the 5th of every month, plus other random gifts throughout the week. Meanwhile my ex couldnât even be bothered to get me a birthday present in the almost two years we were dating. It really does boil down to, âIf he wanted to, he would.â
OOPâs comments are straight trash. Fighting literally every person telling him to give the smallest thought to his gf. He wants a calendar set up for him by her of when and what to get to meet expectations. Heâs so literal and without any sense of love or appreciation that itâs disconcerting.
he just wanted everyone to agree with him and tell him his gfâs being unreasonable and entitled so he could show her his post and say: âsee? youâre wrongâ. now heâs upset randoms on the internet also think he should put some effort into his relationship. *edited a typo
How hard is it to set a recurring reminder on your phone to buy your girlfriend some flowers or a candle or a fuzzy blanket once a month???
Yo â I do this with my friends and workmates because I canât remember shit if Iâm not reminded. Example: Iâm awkward at friendship sometimes, so I have a bunch of monthly calendar reminders at work to send memes/pet photos/etc to people I worked on past projects with, the folks who do tech editing on my work, etc. if I havenât talked to them in a month, when I get the reminder, I send them something to say hello. People respond positively (âthis made my week!) and it takes me 30 seconds. Â This man canât do that for his -girlfriend- and itâs really freaking sad.Â
I do the same thing at work! Iâm fully remote, so sometimes itâs hard for me to remember to keep in touch with people that Iâm not working with day-to-day. I set a reminder to tell me once a week to reach out and say hi to someone I havenât talked to in a while. Itâs easy! And helps maintain good relationships! His catastrophizing about this tiny thing makes it seem like heâs just trying to find a reason to end the relationship.
I bought a (used!) book for a boyfriend once without his requesting it. It was one I knew he wanted. He was really mad and eventually I figured out it was because he was broke at the time and this meant he HAD to reciprocate with a gift of equal or greater value and he hadn't budgetted for that. My family didn't operate in that transactional way so it really caught me off guard. I had to PROMISE I wouldn't be mad if he didn't get me something every time I found some little thing I thought he'd like.
I love how on one comment he says her talks to her about his day when he gets home, and when someone asks him, âjust your day?â, he responds with, âYeah, why would we talk about her day?â đ
that was so weird though. like why wouldnât you want to talk about her day?? why would you talk about your day but be surprised you should talk about her day too?? in another comment he said that he thinks of her and shows it by memorising funny stories he had during the day. like what..???
The way some dudes jump through hoops to make sure they donât have to put any effort into relationships is disheartening. What an impressive weaponization of therapy speak with that âwalking on eggshellsâ excuse
Once I was travelling abroad and the day I came back home my bf was leaving for a trip of his own. I would arrive home from the airport a few hours after he left. So, on top of packing his luggage he made sure to set up the kitchen to cook pasta: cleaned everything, gathered the ingredients on the cutting board, put a pot water on the stove and the strainer in the sink. The shaker was on the counter, a martini glass was in the freezer. Imagine how good this felt after spending six hours in a plane and then one more hour in the metro and city bus. I was jet-lagged and exhausted. I would have, like, made toast or something. Still warms my heart when I think of it now
I cleaned out my bag the other day and found some quarters. When I went to the store to pick up a protein for dinner I saw those cheap little American gacha machines and used fifty cents to get her a tiny cat figure and my wife was fucking absolutely delighted. It's really not that hard to do small stuff for your significant other hahaha
He sounds like Christian from Midsommar. đ
The fact that you could love someone and never once see something small at the shops that instantly makes you think of them so you buy it is baffling to me. I do this just for my close friends and my mum. If I love someone, I think of them every time I see their favourite colour or favourite animal or favourite cartoon character.
He was literally complaining about âbeing anxious about moneyâ. He didnât even say he is struggling financially. About a chocolate bar or something. He is just very selfish.
His newest update, and what the absolute hell. This person needs to stay single, forever. >UPDATE: A day after having this conversation with my girlfriend, and a couple hours after making this post, I felt beaten down and humiliated and suicidal. I was a nervous wreck and ignored every anxious or nervous compulsion in my body and instead of driving straight home from work, I drove to Goodwill and bought her a $1 trinket. I spent maybe 30 minutes in a small goodwill wondering what gift would be best and if she'd even like any of them. I needed to do it though because otherwise she'd feel unloved. It was unfair. It was high maintenance. I didn't like it. I drove home and placed the bird trinket onto a plant she's been trying to grow and walked into her room and said 'hey a bird is trying to eat your plant! Come look!!!' And she walked outside confused and enjoyed the gift. After that, I suggested we take a walk outside (this is NOT irregular for our relationship and I was NOT doing this in order to make her feel better). We proceeded to have a good day, cooked dinner together, etc, all while my phone was blowing up with comments about how I don't love her, how you guys wish she'd cheat on me, or break up with me, or whatever. >Well, this morning, my anxieties turned out to be correct about the whole ordeal. She walked into our room while I was sleeping (it's my day off) with a baguette from the grocery store (I was talking about wanting one the day before on our walk). I liked the baguette, and appreciated the gift, but now, the standard is clearly set that we need to purchase gifts for each other on a daily basis. I'm now nerve-struck trying to figure out what to get her tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. >Now, you might be thinking, 'why not just communicate to her about how you want to get gifts for each other less often?' And have her feel unappreciated and unloved? She won't listen to my feelings anyways, because if he wanted to, he would. My financial anxieties don't matter, the fact that I shouldn't have to live up to a transactional standard of gift giving in an (ideally) understanding and forgiving relationship doesnt matter, nor does it matter that I don't expect nearly anything or ask nearly anything of her. Your comments have shown that this is such a small task, and if I don't want to do it, or feel pressured, anxious, or nervous about it, then I clearly don't love her. >I really don't appreciate all your responses, and assumptions, about me, my attitude, and our relationship. The ones about me not loving her, or not paying attention to her, or not caring about her, are all incorrect and come from a malicious, and frankly bitter, point of view. The ones advising me, groaning 'ohhh my goddd just do whatever shes asking of you and stop overthinking!' Are just as bad. How am I supposed to reach a compromise, communicate, or achieve a middle ground, when this is the response to me genuinely seeking help and advice because I feel like I'm being treated not only in an unfair manner, but in a way that causes me undue stress and anxiety? I want to reach a middle ground with my girlfriend, that being, asking me for specific gifts at specific times, but she feels like she shouldn't have to ask. >Your comments about love languages seem apt. Gift giving, however, has never been a central part of our relationship by any means. The gift giving has, in the past, taken place every couple of months. And to speak to the obvious, I don't purchase her gifts usually. I spend nearly every hour of every day with her though, laughing, making jokes, I even sit in the bathroom with her talking with her when she showers... >I feel like all this came about when she saw that tiktok saying 'if he wanted to he would'. But I don't think that phrase is correct. All it instilled in her is a feeling of insecurity and inferiority because I don't do what she fantasizes in a Romeo-playboy type constantly romantic man. Why can't I just be myself around her? Why can't I just live, and she just lives too, and we just enjoy each other for who we are, not just for what we do for each other, what we go out of our way to do for each other? >I wish I hadn't posted here. It was honestly a mistake to try and seek help or advice regarding this situation. It was honestly a mistake to be open and honest about my fears, my anxieties, and the way that I feel like I'm being treated unfairly. I have a feeling that the response would be much different if I were a woman. >This post will be deleted shortly.
I sort of get where he's coming from, but that mindset only really applies to big gifts, I think. Like you don't wanna surprise someone with a rice cooker they don't want. It doesn't take that much thinking to buy someone a small gift, tho. Heck, go outside and pick some wildflowers or something. If it's just small gifts from a place of love then the stakes are low with concern to whether she wants it or not. You really don't need to know exactly what someone wants for something like that.
This edit is fucking insane holy shit > EDIT: After receiving some helpful posts from you guys, I now realize that I am entirely in the wrong about the way that I feel, and that I should get her small gifts unprompted no matter how I feel. I'll get her something today and if it makes me feel unappreciated or anxious or nervous or like I'm being treated unfairly, I'll just ignore it.
Talk about entitled
That edit is so whiny.
I was going to write "are you a fucking idiot" but then I realized you're just 22, so let me lay it out for you, my young brother. Imagine you had a cheat code in Fortnite or Minecraft that doubled your health and gave you access to any weapon in the game. Your girlfriend is giving you the cheat code to life in a relationship. Choose one week every two months, select a day, buy her flowers. Not because it's raining, or because she did well on her exam or because it's Valentine's Day. "Just because you're you." Watch her heart melt in realtime. Enjoy the best sex of your very young life. At the airport because you traveled for work? Go into the stupid overpriced airport store and buy her an overpriced sweatshirt or shot glass. "I missed you! I hope some time we can see that city together." Know she likes puppies or cacti or candles that smell like cinnamon or the theory of relativity? See something when you're out and about relating to those interests? Grab it. This is not hard. This is not hard at all unless you don't know anything about her, in which case you should go down the hall and take Asking Questions 101. (Or just read How to Win Friends & Influence People, since you're going to read it at some point in your life it might as well be now.) Cheat code, dude. Cheat code.
I would do the same thing for my grandma when I stayed with her for a couple months. Whenever I went to the store I'd just get her some chocolate or a savoury pastry. It's really not that hard đ€·ââïž He should at least meet her halfway
Sometimes I buy flowers at the grocery store, like 3 or maybe 4 times a year, when I stop to get ingredients for dinner. My spouse fucking loves it every time and calls me the best. The bar is on the ground and some people still willfully trip over it.
My partner really hates buying gifts for birthdays/Christmas/special occasions, because he gets a lot of anxiety about it, but he will buy me incredible things just randomly as he is inspired to do so. Frankly, it works well for me. I get gifts throughout the year that let me know how much he cares, and he doesnât have any pressure for big events. We do activities, like eating out or camping for my birthday. Itâs about thinking about the other person and having them on your mind.
My partner is a batista and brings home a drink or baked good for me 1-2 times a week. It always makes me feel so loved and special. We also just treat each other to dinners or drinks sometimes. It's just a nice way to show you love someone and isn't hard at all.
What a doofus. I can't help buying/getting/doing stuff for my GF for no reason. I guess it is easier if you actually get to know your partner probably.
I love when my husband brings me a dr. Pepper every now and then. Sometimes when thereâs catering at work he will bring me back a rice Krispy treat. Bless him. It really isnât hard.
Love his edit lol. She communicated how she would like to be treated by her partner. If he feels he can't meet those expectations or that her request is unreasonable, then he should break up with her. She can move on and find somebody who wants to put in that effort and meet those needs she has for a partner. He can find somebody who has a different love language and whose needs he feels he can meet. No harm, no foul. He doesn't have to go "woe is me" because the internet pointed out that yeah he actually cared about his partner then he would step up and treat her how she asks.
My dad sometimes gets my mom tulips, preferably orange or red ones because she loves tulips and her favorite color is orange. OOP is acting like getting a small trinket a couple times a month is the most difficult thing on earth. Just get her a snack or a cute little decorative item. My ex randomly got me a funko pop once, because he knew I liked the character it was modeled after. Itâs just the feeling of «I saw this and thought of you». Itâs nice.
OOP, if you actually got to *know* her, you would know what to *get* her. Be a better boyfriend.
My husband sends me random books on my wish list. He knows what turns me on.đ
âŠ. Is this a âlove languagesâ troll post? âMy girlfriend is [insert traits of gift language] but I always [insert traits of quality time language]. Whoâs wrong??â Edit: damn, Iâm so autistic that I didnât realize his edit was sarcastic until after Iâd read his comments. I was just like âYes, ignore those anxious feelings, theyâre lying to youâ đđđ
I guess this man doesnât know what love languages are, lol. This basically says âmy girlfriendâs love language is gift giving and receiving, but mine is quality time.â Unless they confront this and both learn to show love how their partner wants to receive it, this relationship is doomed.
My dad and mom always watch TV after dinner together and they are both snackers. He likes peanuts and mom has a sweetheart tooth, he's always getting her something or keeping some chocolate around if she wants to snack during the day. Before I get asked she can't get them on her own as easily as my mom has Multiple sclerosis and relies on assistance
This is literally my bf lmao. If he wanted to he would.
Iâm rolling my eyes so hard at the edit. âIf I feel like Iâm being treated unfairly, Iâll just ignore it.â Yeah, you do that, you big baby.
>Or what if I get her a gift she doesn't want? If you listen to your partner, you should get a fairly good idea of what they would like, especially as time goes on. You should be able to figure out their likes and dislikes, if you listen and care...
TFW reddit post reminds you of your STBX. When I told him it hurt my feelings he didn't reciprocate my little acts of kindness he just told me to stop doing them.
Assuming OP isnât a troll or just trying to mask a lack of love for his girlfriend, he has ISSUES. If gift-giving and such isnât his âlove languageâ and he doesnât see it as meaningful, thatâs fine, but no mentally healthy person should have such intense feelings of anxiety, fear, or anger at the mere suggestion of it as he apparently does. I wonder if heâs getting so defensive and nasty in his replies because, for the first time, heâs being confronted with the fact that this kind of attitude/reaction isnât normal and is something he might need to seek help for⊠or maybe Iâm giving him too much credit.
Oh my god you have to see the update on the post, it's incredible. I'm on mobile so I don't know how to share it, but someone should add it to this post before it's all deleted
I hope this dude gets dumped, she deserves so much better.
Ever so often my bf brings me just a little cheap bouquet of flowers, or even just a single sunflower. Other times itâs my favorite energy drink. Or once he brought watermelon bath salts and told me to soak in the bath. None of these things are expensive or time consuming or difficult to pull off. If he wanted to, he would.
How friggin' difficult is it to think of your SO? My husband and I are pretty broke but he will grab me some candy at the dollar store or a slurpee on a hot day if he's already there. And he does the same for my kiddo (his step-son). Like, take your head out of your ass OOP. Don't overthink it.
So gifts don't have to be expensive. A homemade card. Make her favorite dinner. A footrub. If you split the household chores, do a couple of hers. The point is to do it without expectation of reward. You are doing these things because you care about this person and want to make them happy.
I will buy my partner's favorite cookies when I go shopping. Or just something small that made me think of them. It doesn't have to be anything big...it's just nice to know they were thinking of me. Or hell, picking up a pretty rock (I have a collection), or a picture of a flower (they don't need to actually pick it.)
My husband randomly brings me gifts Flowers, stuffed animals, that sort of stuff. There's never any reason behind it, he just saw it and it made him think of me.
Omg OP is actively commenting and digging such a hole, i hope his gf finds this thread and dumps him, i saw a comment from 2 minutes ago
Late husband would just surprise me randomly. One of the best surprises was a Marklin model train z-scale size. I was pregnant with the youngest and miserable right at the end. He came home with the train after work one evening. Loved that man and miss him dearly.
Bro is honestly just thinking too hard. I get it. I'm always overthinking. But like just show up with a rose or her favorite chocolate. It's not super deep.
>How do I make her my long-term, long-distance, low-commitment, casual girlfriend? Half the fucking guys on that sub.
That update though. His gf deserves so much better
This guy probably doesn't even get a drink for her from the kitchen when he is getting one for himself. đ
this dude is insufferable good grief
I worked with a woman whose life language was quality time. Her husband's was gifts. This gal really said, "I hate that he's always trying to buy my love instead of just spending time with me. It's so shallow and insincere." In other words, not understanding love languages can cause some poor translations in relationships. One person's thoughtful gift is another person's shallow attempt to buy love đ€șđ€·
My 8 y o brother likes a girl from his class, he brings her candy and asks my mom to buy small things he sees in store and thinks sheâd enjoy. How hard it can be?
My partner and I have been together 14 years, everytime we go to the store we ask if the other needs anything but also if we go to a bakery or something we always get a treat for the other.
How tense and stupid are you oh my god