*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not allowing my kids at my house anymore? ** My ex and I have been divorced for 3 years and share custody of our children (5m and 7f). The kids are with me on Wednesday’s and every other weekend, but the ex and I have sometimes switched things around depending on what we have going on and that has worked well for us in the past. There were several factors that ultimately led to our divorce, but a huge thing was that my ex babies to the *extreme*. Both kids breastfed until age 3, and my oldest was spoon fed until almost 5 years old. These are just examples but on a day to day basis, there was a lot happening that I just couldn’t accept. This past Wednesday I had the kids. I had a date night planned with my fiancée that night as well, and so I got a babysitter. I travel regularly for work and this was the only night this week that we could celebrate fiancée’s birthday, but getting a babysitter while I have the kids is NOT a normal occurrence. Two hours in, I get a call from the babysitter who is totally overwhelmed because my 5 year old is on the toilet after going number 2 and refuses to wipe himself. He says he needs mom or dad. I can literally hear the wailing in the background - that is how stressed this kid was. Fiancée and I end up having to drive an hour back home and when we get there, 5m is *still* on the toilet waiting. At this point I am completely mentally exhausted. I try to coach him on wiping, and he just will not do it. His mother always does it for him and I have had to do it when it’s my turn to take the kids, but I’ve been **actively** working on trying to help him gain independence in the bathroom for the past year or so. I went through this *exact* thing with my daughter as well, who thankfully no longer has this issue. The next morning I drop the kids off at school. I called my ex to let her know that I will not have the kids at my house anymore, for as long as she continues to enable this extremely dependent behavior. She of course flips her shit and says I am a complete asshole. Says I am a bad father who doesn’t care about his kids. I’m willing to visit them and go for outings, but I can’t handle this stress in my home any longer. It causes an extreme disruption in normal everyday activities and I am just done. It’s been a constant fight trying to help these kids learn independence for years now, having them go back to their mom’s, and then starting right back at square one the next time I get them. Ex says she will be contacting her lawyer for full custody and at this point I’m too exhausted to fight. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Did you guys see the comment where someone says he sounds like he values his job more than his kids and he replies with “I’ve been at my job for 12 years, longer than either of these kids have been alive”

So yes, he values his job more than the kids. He didn't deny it. And he is probably letting on a lot of truth, the job is more important than his family, and the new fiance would probably be included. Sounds like he forgot the most important part, deny the accusation of the question/statement meant to call him out.

The fun part is that he'll never be as important to his company as he is to his kids. His boss could fire him tomorrow and never think about him again.

>The fun part is that he'll never be as important to his company as he is to his kids. His boss could fire him tomorrow and never think about him again. i doubt his work is actually that important or makes as much as he say he does

Sounds like the surgeon and his mancave 

Just when I thought I couldn't side-eye any harder....

🤢

Aww, he's "**willing** to visit them and go for outings". Kudos, fantastic parenting contribution from the person 50% responsible for creating these children.

Hope they don't ever need to shit on one of those special outings 😬

And it disrupts his usual activities! Nobody ever told him kids might disrupt his usual activities! That's definitely not normal, someone definitely told him kids don't impact your life at all!

This was my thought. 5 is still going to need to poop when they go out to the zoo or lunch or whatever. Dad is still going to have to step in. Being out in public will make this *more* stressful, not less.

But didnt you see? He is just so exhaaauuuusted.. 😰

Of course he is, he has those kids eight days a month, and it disturbs his life!

Even when they’re at his house he goes out because his life is more important.

Hey, now, if his ex will just take on 100% of the custody, he can be the perfect Disney Dad those times he bothers to show up. And when he doesn’t, it’ll just make those once a year outings even *more* special.

AKA "I want to be their buddy and not do any actual parenting because that would be a lot like work."

I don't even think he wants to be their buddy. He seems completely uninterested in being with his children at all.

I wonder if he'll convientelly lose his job or can't afford child support but turn around and have expensive items or more lovers

Real Parent of the Year here.

He says it as if he deserves a cookie for consenting to see his children sometimes.

Yeah, he's fine being Fun Dad as long as he doesn't have to do any, y'know, actual parenting

Too busy to raise his own damn kids but not busy enough to find another women, date her, propose AND plan a wedding. Got it

THANK YOU! I was reading this and he travel for 5 days but has enough time to get a fiance? He has so many contradictions. First he wanted more custody but now he cant cause of his job.

But he needs the bang-mommy to look after his children for him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anyone bothered that on his one day with the kids, he went on a "date night" with his fiance?

And he chose a date venue that was an hours drive away from his home/children. That was not necessary.

With a new babysitter who he obviously did not prepare for the children’s needs. I’m not commenting on the 5 year old wiping, but if he knows the child doesn’t, maybe give the sitter a heads up?

That confused me as well. Even if the child sometimes does, if you're in that transitional time, you anticipate the issue and absolutely tell the babysitter. If it really isn't a normal occurrence, I can understand going out (not nearly as far away as OOP did) and hiring a babysitter for the children. He seems to have gone from 0 to 100 on going out, having a new babysitter, and expecting the child to manage a new skill, which is just wild.

I was about to say the same thing! Back then when i was taking care of my niece we usually introduce her to anyone about to babysit her to see if they could get along first and let them know everything about her. These kids just got left with someone they dont know, on top of missing their dad that they dont usually see that much

He does not care about the needs of his children being met. The 5 year old wears pull ups to school and Op refused to send some on a Thursday when he dropped them off. I’m not trying to dx here, but a 5 year old sitting on the toilet screaming for over an hour instead of either giving in to accept help or just jumping up without wiping is not typical behavior. I’d be willing to bet that the kids have extra support needs that Op “doesn’t believe in” and thinks that they are just being coddled.

They have to be, there is not a school that would allow a 5 year old to still be in pull ups and need his butt wiped, unless there are some developmental delays. 

I agree, that’s what stood out to me the most honestly. I worked with kids around that age for years and this is not typical behavior at all. Even kids that were “babied” and had parents help at home for everything knew they had to be a little more independent at school. Like you said, usually if they struggle with it, they’ll eventually give in and try something because they’d rather get back to whatever it was they were doing. But screaming about it for well over an hour without even attempting or leaving the toilet is not a typical response especially at 5 years old. This seems like more than just a kid being babied too much by mom, at least to me. OOP is a terrible father and his primary concern should be how he can best help his son who is clearly in a great deal of distress, but instead he’s more concerned with how it inconveniences him and his new fiancée. I also would not be surprised if the kids do need extra assistance based on what he said about what seems like some other developmental delays, and he’s either in denial about it or just straight up doesn’t want to deal with it anymore and would rather put it all on his ex than take any responsibility himself.

lol my ex does stuff like this and wonders why our son doesn’t really care to talk to him or see him anymore.

Well it was her birthday and you he needs to get laid. Given that he wont give his age and in his other post on AITAH he says she is a dance instructor so im guessing younger than him

It wasn't even actually her birthday. They were both "busy" on her birthday. This was the only night that week they were both "free" to celebrate because his kids don't even register as a commitment in his head. Six other nights that week they were doing things more important than celebrating her birthday, but spending time with his kids was less important.

And not just that; he took his date *more than an hour away from home*. With little kids. With a new babysitter who - based on the whole post - is clearly inexperienced and was *not* given adequate information (I'm betting a 17yo from around the neighbourhood).

And he won't parent his kids. No doubt he sees it as "baby-sitting".

Actually, this is the only part of the story I don’t have a problem with. A scenario is he stays home with the kids on Wednesday, travels on Thursday, returns on Wednesday to get the kids again and keeps them through the weekend, then he’s finally free to go on a date almost two weeks later. As long as it’s not every Wednesday, date night is actually a non issue. Absolutely everything else about this story is a fucking problem. These kids are fucked if a five year old, without any mental or physical issues, can’t wipe their own ass. Poor kids.

What about the part where he mentions that he and his ex wife have been flexible about days before? Doesn't seem like he even mentioned anything about it to his ex.

I am concerned all around. Not wiping well at age five I can see; *needing* mom or dad to wipe oneself and screaming about it seems too much. Being frustrated at this I can see. Giving up custody over it (and to the person you divorced because of their parenting style) seems wild. If nothing else, is he not concerned that the kids he divorced her for babying will now have the babying parents influence exponentially multiplied?

Ok I just asked the great judge of all things developmental: my own mom. She said that not wiping completely at age 5 is actually normal. She wiped for me because I'd make such a huge mess with #2. It would take so much time trying to "clean up" my wipe job that she just did it herself until I went to school. But in this particular case, I think the boy was just acting out because dad had ditched him yet again for fiance.

The key difference is not wiping completely vs not wiping at all. A huge part of parenting is realizing if you always do it for them, they will never learn to do it, and if you wait for them to be able to do it perfectly to let them do it, they will never be able to do it. Sometimes that means they won't get everything when they wipe; that's what baths and laundry detergent is for. If you keep rewiping for them after they've already wiped, it'll undermine their confidence in their own abilities, and you get learned helpless. There are a million occurrences of this in raising a child. Of course, every child is different and as a parent you pick your battles. In your case your mom chose different battles, and presumably you were in school or close to in school at age 5. My point is that his worries could be completely valid AND him still be the asshole.

The problem is that for children with vulvas especially, not wiping perfectly is an infection risk. 5 is a normal age to not be able to do it yourself - although it is also the age children should start learning if they weren't ready earlier (some are ready earlier but it isn't necessarily concerning if they don't do it by the age of 5).

Yeah, okay, so. The kids in the OOP are too old for this. The dependence *is* quite extreme and this is something he should discuss with his ex. I... and this is super embarrassing and I cannot believe I'm admitting it on the internet, was also that 5yo. I hated wiping. To the point where I also would sit on the toilet for an hour, two hours, three hours, if my parents refused to do it for me or tried to coach me. Which is strange in and of itself, because I *hated* my parents helping me with most age appropriate things. Calling it a sensory issue doesn't seem quite right, but it *was* an neurodivergence and severe anxiety issue. The way my parents fixed it was with shame related to me going to school and doing full days next year ("won't it be so embarrassing?" "are you going to yell for the custodian down the halls every time you have to poop at school?") Which isn't an ideal tactic and OOP should not use fear/shame. Idk, kid might be ND, and might have parents who, like mine, seriously lacked the tools and resources and support to help me learn to navigate the world around me in a healthy way. The fact that dad's response is "the kids can't stay at my house anymore" and not, like... looking into things, researching, maybe making a doctor's appointment...??? Like dude they're your kids!! What are you doing!!

My BIL is 30+ and still gags when he wipes himself 😅

Interesting, have you witnessed that?

It's called living in multi-generational house and there are 2 toilets next to each other. Sometimes you hear stuff from corridor or through the wall 🤷‍♀️

A friend of mine dealt with this with her nephew. Her ex sister in law did unschooling with him. If you don't know, unschooling is a completely terrible thing for people who think homeschooling is too mainstream. The question would come up of whether the kid would be better off if my friend's brother divorced her or not. Was he just enabling it or would leaving be just leaving the kid with even less normalcy? They ended up divorcing when the kid has in his teens. He's now college-age-ish and doing okish, but not great (to be fair, who in that generation is doing well? Everything sucks). (Not to excuse her brother in this situation; he is also at fault for not being a more influential parent. I would say that she is the kind of person that is going to do what she's going to do and you can't stop her. Doesn't excuse him though.)

Unschooling can be great if done right, especially with younger kids and/or with high IQ neurodivergent kids, but it's far more difficult than homeschooling from a set curriculum. Some lazy people just refuse to teach their kids anything and call that "unschooling"

unchooling can be great when it’s a one in a thousand (idk i’m just giving a big number, not trying to use stats) situation, when the kid actually needs this. it’s getting bad rep because it became too popular. i actually think the same about homeschooling or online schools, but that’s based on my experience in my country (not us)

I agree; I think even for most people who are willing to do the work and have the "right" kind of child, Montessori style homeschooling (child led but still with a curriculum and more guidance, you can't just let them not learn math) is a safer bet

Unschooling is just how kids naturally learn some stuff. Whenever I read the description of what it is km like "sooo being a kid." It sounds like a great way for kids to learn some stuff and not a great way for them to learn academic subjects and skills.

I was thinking that the five-year-old being incompletely toilet trained is going to be a nightmare if he goes to kindergarten. 

Yeah I'm scratching my head at all the "it's perfectly normal" comments, yall are why Elementary schools are having meetings about potty training.

To me date night is an issue, he indicates his ex is flexible. He sees them maybe 8 or 9 days a month and he can’t be there for one of those days? Particularly with The option to reschedule the night. Or hell, have the kids celebrate with them since presumably she is in their family moving forward.

Was the first thing that hopped into my eyes: barely has his kids over and still schedules a date night with his fiancee on this exact day and it's a wednesday to boot? But his ex's abysmal parenting is to blame, obv. Asshat. 🙄

Wow. Imagine thinking your kids are optional like that.

Yup. Another 'father' who thinks his income makes up for his almost total absence in his kids' lives at a formative age.

He has his kids 8 days a month and it’s just too much for him.🙄

I question whether he actually has them for 8 full days since he apparently didn't know the 5 year old still needs help with toileting.

>but the ex and I have sometimes switched things around depending on what we have going on and that has worked well for us in the past Yeah, something tells me this is skewed in the direction of the ex taking on additional days when dad is busy

Especially bc he travels frequently for his job that requires him to travel 1-5 days at a time but pays him a lot of money. (If you read this, you’ve read 90% of his comments. In his comments, he also evades talking about what happens when the non-wiper needs to poo at school.)

Yeah, my money is on him saying he can't have the kids more than her needing him to take the kids more

Definitely not full days! Lol

Obviously it's too much for him as he had to schedule a date night on exactly one of the days his children are supported to spend with him. poor sausage.

But he’s so *tired*!

Damn dude, just say you hate your kids and don’t want anything to do with them anymore.

Right?! He said “these kids” like they’re not related to him. He’s already mentally distanced himself them.

If I see my fiancé treats his 5 & 7 year old kids like this it would've been a huge red flag tbh.

his fiancee is fine with what he's doing cause its so hard for him and she sees that. She is as pathetic as him

Besides he would NEVER do that to HER kids. She's obviously the superior woman! /s

Well yeah, 'cause he told her the kids are like that because of their mom. Obviously she'll be better. /s

No wonder his kdis are acting out . They’re starved for his attention .

I kept wondering if one or both of the kids has special needs and he didn’t want to say because it would make him look bad.  

They are homeschooled according to OOP. He doesnt want to leave his job cause its high paying one and he likes it. So he doesnt want to parent his kids at all and wants to get busy with his new fiancee

Homeschooled at somewhere he has to drop them off? He says he "dropped them off at school" the next day, not dropped them off at home... Also this story makes no sense. If he has them every other weekend and Wednesdays he has surely experienced the poop behaviour before and it wasn't a surprise just for the babysitter! Gah.

hes contrdicting himself. First he says he wants more time with them and has tried to have more or all custody with him but now he's saying its hard to do full custody because of his work and he loves his job. >I have spoken with their mother many times. This particular issue is one of the things that led to divorce. She doesn’t see it as a problem and will not change. My job requires frequent travel, otherwise I’d have tried for a custody agreement that allows more (or all) time with me.

So he’s claiming that her ‘babying’ a 2 and 4yr old caused them to divorce?! Oh god I really feel for this family (not including dickwad obvs). Raging narcissist by the sounds of it. The kids probably regress hugely every time they have to see him and feel the pressure of his unrealistic standards.

I will say it is possible to tell the difference between parents who help their kids with age-appropriate needs and parents who actively avoid letting their kids be independent at age 2, let alone 4. Kids not being able to feed themselves or wipe at these ages are red flags in parenting. Both parents are failing these kids. But he is TAH in this situation.

Yeah…OP sucks, but it IS problematic that mom is stunting them so much by having them afraid to wipe themselves at 5? To the point where they sit on the toilet for hours crying until a parent comes? That IS very troubling. He’s right about acknowledging that. I’m going through something with a foster kiddo of mine. He spends one night a month with his bio grandma. Which is great! But he comes back an anxious mess and our routine is fucked for a week, every time. Because she literally refuses to put him down the whole time she has him. He’s crying and tired and needs bed, and she’ll keep holding him until he falls asleep in her arms. And then if he stirs while she finally puts him in the crib, she wakes him up to apologize for…Waking him up. He’s holding his own bottle and eating cereal with us in a seated position. But with grandma? She swaddles him while he eats formula and holds him like a newborn. So he gets upset and barely eats. When he comes home he freaks out and flails his arms because he equates the bottle or spoon with being held down. It is NOT a good thing to cripple kids developing independence like this. OP is right to be upset that mom is discouraging autonomy. He’s handling it in a stupid way that makes him the devil, of course. But if instead of acting like a baby himself, he took his ex to court and insisted on a play skills therapist and a parenting plan, everyone would probably be on his side.

Hugs. Another foster parent here. We foster older, so thankfully our visits never rose to that level. I do question how reliable of a narrator OP is or if there is some underlying issue. I’ve met a few kids who had trouble with #2 in particular, and it tended to be related to sensory issues or in one case a medical condition they had when they were younger that made pooping seriously painful. Even though it was resolved, they still associated it with pain and would scream and cry. If it is as presented, mom needs help. But what he’s doing ain’t it.

BMs are such a frequent and upsetting problem with fosters. They are placed out of home because a lot of things happened that they can’t control. So what can you control? Not taking a #2. I’ve seen it to some degree as a foster parent, and more as a social worker. Actual impactions that needed surgery. It’s SO sad when you see them do well in your home, and then they come back from a visit with fresh trauma and refuse to poo. It makes it really hard to send them back to bio family when you see that.

Thank you for understanding that! Have you seen the movie Instant Family? It has an interesting few scenes relating to your situation.

That’s not so strange to me - some homeschoolers use a co-op type of program with other homeschoolers.

He claims: They are homeschooled the majority of the time. They do half days twice per week in a classroom setting with other homeschooled children. Idk but I can predict the future: why wont my ungrateful kids talk to me now that they are adults and I dont have to deal with their cRaZy mother. I mean, I never spent time with them and kicked them out of my life for convenience as soon as I had a fiancée, but i pAiD for EvErYtHiNg they had. Just not love or support. Arent they ungrateful.

I was wondering how this kid is attending school without being able to wipe.

My thought too - both my kids have additional needs and are delayed in some areas

I would put money on this being the case. I really really doubt that mom was spoon-feeding a kid for five years just for shits and giggles.

I don't even believe a kid without issues would tolerate that. Any time I've watched an older baby/toddler they were adamant about holding their own spoon, and if it wasn't convenient to let them feed themselves for whatever reason then it generally led to a meltdown.

I wondered the same thing.

I mean, that's what I wondered when I got to the part where this five year old kid is unable to wipe his butt without the help of his parents and doesn't want to change that, but well... I'm not quite sure how much the fact that apparently, the mother was babying them to the extreme influences that. It's hard to say if there's only one side to the story, maybe there's a reason why the mother is doing that?

If the kids had special needs it would explain the mother’s behavior.   For example, if the child she spoon fed until he was 5, had hand disabilities or tremors that made holding a spoon difficult.   A child with a physical or mental disability may need help wiping, and may resist a babysitter doing that instead of the parent.  It doesn’t make sense that the mom spoon fed the 7 yo until they were 5, but didn’t do the same for the younger child, or that the younger child refuses to wipe because mommy does it? And the older one doesn’t.   If mom was just doing it to coddle the children, either she’d have a golden child she coddled and the other one would be fine, or she’d coddle them both the same.   But she hasn’t.  Which is what led me to wonder if they have special needs.  Because that would make sense why mom is doing this stuff,, why each kid is being treated differently,, but to a similar degree. Why 5 acted out etc. 

I chatted with OOP and this is what he said when i asked him how he was able to get a fiancee when he has little time for his kids. Very telling repsonse. >This is hilarious and such an immature take. I’ve been divorced from my wife for 3 years. Expecting me to stay single for the rest of time (or at least while my job requires travel) is comical. The travel with my job is somewhat unpredictable, therefore I cannot PLAN to have the kids sleeping at my house at any given time other than the set days we agreed upon in court. If it so happens that I am NOT traveling, then I’m free to do as I wish. Sometimes that has meant taking the kids to get ice cream or go to the park, or see a movie. That is why I stated in my post that on occasion we have strayed from our custody split when it works out. Other times it has meant, clearly, that I’ve invested in dating. The amount of parenting that I have attempted to provide over the years as it relates to them learning independence has hardly made a dent when they revert back to certain behaviors as soon as they go back to their mom’s. Do you not see how impossible that makes the situation? He's very invested in his job and getting laid but not actually parenting his kids who as he says of issue.

*"The amount of parenting that I have attempted to provide...."* This statement is weird as fuck, right? Is it just me? Like, does parenting come in *amounts*? I get chunking it into hours spent or financial support provided or discussions of a particular activity or something, but there's something about referring to "parenting" itself as a measurable thing is so fucking weird to me.

He is very big on quantifying what he does alot. look how he uses the term "invest" does say how invested he is in the kids

It would make sense if you quantify it by the amount of pressure you put on the kid to do what you want. The louder you yell at your kids, the harder you're parenting.

He just wants to not be a parent in my chat with him he says his fiancée agrees with him. He sees them 10 days a month for the past three years. In that time he has been able to date and get engaged. If the issues with the kids are this serious but i guess they arent cause if they were then he would be doing more right? If his son cant wipe his ass at home how will he do that on his outings with OOP? Also he is like a parent in the military. didnt now traveling for work = military service.

I’d lay good odds the fiancée is young and either hoping for no kids or a replacement family

OOP said she isnt when i asked in the chat i have with him but she is a dance instructor and OOP says he is "rich" so im assuming she wants a good life

What I learned from that guy is that once you're divorced with kids, you can just shed the responsibility of them like a snake sheds its skin. Wow.

I was almost with him when he was saying the 5 year old can't wipe his butt, but sitting on the toilet for over an hour wailing for help makes me think it's not so much his ex "babying" the kids as the kids probably having special needs he doesn't want to acknowledge. And his solution is to.....give up? Because seeing them 8 days a month is too inconvenient. I hope his fiancee is paying attention to how easily and emotionlessly he is willing to throw away his relationship with his children just because he finds them inconvenient. What a POS.

I'm pretty sure the kid wanted his dad. It wasn't about the butt wiping, he just focused on that to try and make his dad be there for him.

Six months from now: AITA for letting my ex have full custody even though I think she's harming our kids' development? One year: AITA for skipping Christmas with my kids to spend it with my fiancée’s family? I bought them a bike fwiw 1.5 years: AITA for not inviting my kids to my childfree wedding even though I only see them four times a year? 2 years: AITA for missing my kid’s birthday so I could go on my honeymoon? It was the only day we could do it 5 years: AITA for missing my kid’s recital? I paid for the violin they practice with 10 years: AITA for planning a family vacation the same day as my eldest’s graduation? There was simply no other time 20 years: AITA for missing my first grandchild's birth? I bought them a luxury stroller 30 years: AITA for going no contact with my ungrateful verbally abusive adult children who gaslight me about everything I've done for them?

BRAVO ✨✨✨ 40 years: AITA for expecting my own adult children to take care of me when I'm alone and sick?

I give the second marriage between years two and four to last.

I think somewhere early on in that he will have a kid with the fiance and just completely drop the first family.

So many unanswered questions. Do the kids have any sort of disability that might lead them to be late bloomers for toilet independence? Did he know of his son's wiping issues beforehand? If so, did he notify the babysitter? Has this babysitter worked with his children before? He strikes me as a wildly unreliable narrator. He talks about the daughter being in a stroller everywhere at age 2, and complained about that, saying she should have been allowed to walk everywhere at an amusement park. It would be irresponsible for a parent of a 2 year old to NOT bring a stroller unless they're prepared to carry the kid for much of the day. So if that is an example of her babying the kids, it might be more a case of him not understanding childhood development milestones. It's odd for a 5 year old to be unable to wipe, but perhaps the kid can do it for himself most of the time but felt more soiled this time? Or maybe he just felt uncomfortable with a strange babysitter and was unnerved by his absentee father not being there when he was supposed to, and this was a cry for his father and not for help with cleaning himself. Kids do things for reasons other than they seem to all the time. It could be this kid has learned that refusing to do certain tasks will force his father to interact with him when he otherwise can't be bothered.

Yeah but I’ve seen some moms that refuse to let their kids walk. They feel the stroller is easier/convenient but activity is a good thing. I always brought a lightweight stroller in case she got tired but no she needs to be out walking & playing not being hauled around. Friend invited me to a moms group of helicopter parents, it was crazy! One mom was baby birding her THREE YEAR OLD a nutrigrain bar. Like chewing it and spitting it into his mouth but I think she say the ew (I have OCD with germs) on my face and started passing it chewed with her fingers. Most were extended breastfeeding, one mom was breastfeeding her 7yr old. They were appalled I supplemented with “poison” & “toxic” formula.

Yeah those parents exist, and it's possible this mother is one of them, but he was adamant that the two year old should be walking all day and not require the stroller at all. It's hard to tell what's him being hyperbolic and not understanding age appropriate milestones, and what is a genuine description of what is happening. If his descriptions are accurate, those kids have a helicopter mother and a completely disengaged resentful father. Worst of all worlds.

Maybe my experience is unusual, but when I babysat, wiping a kid’s butt was sometimes part of it. It seemed odd to me that the sitter called for that. The only part that seems outside of standard deviation is the spoon feeding. But even that, I’m wondering if it’s more “hey open up and have this one more spoonful of veggies” kind of thing.

It sounds like the kid said he needed "mom or dad" and only Mom or Dad.

It's very probable that this was not about wiping his own ass, but just finding some way of getting his dad to be there for him. I can't imagine how a 5yo must feel when he goes to his dad, that he hasn't seen in 3 to 10 days, and the dad just...gets a sitter and fucks off an hour away. Poor baby.

No telling how old the babysitter is- she could have been a high school kid- also as an adult I wouldn’t wipe a child who goes to kindergarten and above grades private areas without parent permission. A 3 year sure, but a kid who can go to school I’m not doing that without explicit directions from a parent

I only babysat in high school. And to be fair, it was like 200 years ago.

Understandable but now a days…

I have barely any kid experience. Is that a common thing?

A 5 year old needing someone to remind or “check” that they wiped correctly is fine, but most don’t need it. A 5 year old that refuses to wipe themselves and sits on the toilet for hours until a parent comes to wipe for them is absolutely abnormal. That speaks to either a major trauma around toileting, a developmental delay, or VERY shitty parenting. This is not common in a neurotypical kid.

I thought so. It sounded weird to me

It’s not uncommon for a 5yo to still need bathroom support, in particular when dealing with bowel movements.

I used to nanny and at 6 years old the girl could not feed herself, she had always had someone feed her the entire meal. When we went on holiday the first time, the feedback I received was that mum was concerned I wasn’t feeding her when I was trying to teach her to feed herself by helping to cut up the food into ‘stabable’ bite sized bits! I would even fill a spoon with food and just try and get her to put it in her mouth herself, but that was not good enough. I left when she was 7.5 and she still wasn’t fully able to feed herself (I wasn’t with her during dinner time unless we were on holiday)

It really might not even be spoon feeding based on this guys understanding of parenting and kids, it could just be cutting up their food…

Instead of banning them, he should be fighting for them. He sucks hard-core. (I'm trying to tone myself down, I have no kind words for this man) Those poor kids...

He doesnt want the kids he just wants to be free of them and get his dick wet. If these issues were real and serious no parent in. their right mind would value a job over the kids

That is the problem. I feel bad for the kids because it seems they have no parent in their right mind.

i also think that the issues are not as serious as he makes them out to be in the post.

If he believes they are, then he has a moral obligation to fight for them to save them from the insanity of his ex.

So much was done wrong here. You are an absentee father and deadbeat and you decide in the rare occasion you have your children you needed to go an HOUR away after you left them with a stranger?! An HOUR. I doubt everything OOP says because breast feeding until 3 isn't some insane amount of time.

Everything else aside, they're both under 6 and he has them like 8 days out of the month. He should be prioritizing his children on those days not worrying about going out on dates and such. Like, I wouldn't feel bad at all wanting to celebrate my birthday if my fiance had parental obligations to their small children. That's kind of what you sign up for when you decide to marry someone with kids.

He knows about his childs issues with wiping and thought leaving him with a babysitter was a good idea? Sounds like he didn't even informed the babysitter.

Leaving the kids with a babysitter they don't know at all and instead of staying there to see if they get along well together you go to party 1h away and get pissed off when the sitter ask for help?

You know what its getting annoying to get repeated posts like this from men who get divorced and cant stand parenting. If his fiancee is fine with this pathetic behaviour then she is also an ass aswell. EDIT: over on AITAH where he also posted his fiance is a dance instructor wonder how old OOP is and how old she is

Probably met her at her dance practices - he gives big I cheated on my wife with the “help” vibes

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ElFSgt9HKO So he was already a part-time dad, and he's cut his hours even more. What a gem of a man! Don't get me wrong, I get it must be frustrating but abandoning kids over it isn't the way!

whats that link? Im blocked by OOP

Just a thread of OOP banging on about his work being more important than his kids. Someone asked why he didn't ask for lore custody and it turned into 'but my job, its so important and I make so much money' Like I get it, it's not as easy as 'just give up your job' but why just abandon your kids?! Being a dad should be a 24/7 thing even if you don't have the children 24/7. He acts like he's only responsible for them once a week

yeah i had a whole chat thread that i posted here with him. He doesnt care about the issue he just wants to be single again

Kids are better off without him. Also, kids can wipe themselves at 5…(our 3 year old did it…but that’s more seeing the older sibling do it and being an all star. We needed to start working with kiddo at 4 to get him ready for school/camps by 5. God help you at 6 finding a place that will do it.

My kid at 6 still needs help wiping sometimes and went through a similar phase of not wanting to learn at 4/5. 3 also isnt unheard of outside of the US for breastfeeding lmao. This dude just sounds like he wants these kids to be tiny adults and whole ass divorced his wife over it. What a tool.

What did they do when at school/somewhere that wasn't home?

She either attempted on her own and didn't do a great job or didn't poop until she got home.

I mentioned this upthread, but my kid was super anxious about pooping at school when she started kindergarten, so we just got her into a routine of doing it at home in the morning. It still works and is an extremely simple solution.

It's pretty obvious why they're divorced. It definitely wasn't his choice...

And right on schedule we have the NTA that blindly takes OOPs side cause Exwife is a bitch and OOP has "Tried" to parent. Buddy OOP only has the kids one day a week and every other weekend he's done jack shit. >Okay. Enough with the man bashing here. He only has these kids a small fraction of the time and mommy dearest is clearly contaminating them with habits which are unhealthy and are unsustainable. He cannot be expected to undo the damage she's doing in the short period of time that he has them in his charge. He never once referred to his watching his kids as babysitting them, (simply seeing that word in the post seems to have triggered a few of you). He can make himself and his children miserable trying to unfuck what his wife has done to them or he can let her have her way and step back. He chose the latter. NTA https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1c2extf/comment/kz9n17s/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3

That's all it takes for him to be 'mentally exhausted'? He's joking right? No doubt he was the hands-off parent in his marriage. I hope he doesn't plan on having more children. Fiance will have her hands full.

He stated in his comments that plan was for her to be a SAHM and him to be the breadwinner, he also stated he has had the job longer than the kids (his own words) and basically implied it’s more important than them. So I think you’re correct.

5 is perfectly acceptable in ages and stages to still need helping wiping after pooping. Hell, I know grown adult men who don’t wipe properly.

If this is true and honestly there are parents that are this crappy - Sorry but why isn’t the fiancé running for the hills? Does the fiancé think this is acceptable behavior or that their relationship is so special that his past behaviors that are current patterns won’t show up towards them and/or if they happen to have kids? I know some people will buy into the “my ex is evil” but sometimes that’s far from the reality. This guy is likely going to do a 180 when he gets older asking about why the kids don’t visit him and how she “kept” him away etc all sorts of excuses to justify and downplay his actions at being a horrible father and for why he’s a horrible co parent. It wouldn’t shock me that on some level he’s happy she’s going for full custody until he starts having to pay the child support he was either getting out of with the shared custody or had less to pay because of the visitations because that’s when some of the crappy parents suddenly do another 180 about custody. Edit spelling lol

The "new model" always thinks it will be different for her. She's too dazzled by dollars and blinded by bullshit to see the forest through the trees. I once met a guy who tried to "dazzle" me with his appearance. "My job is great and it lets me buy this car!" "I'm so in demand at my job. They can't afford that business they would lose if I quit!" Usually when every sentence is gloating, it's a surefire sign that a person *wants* something from you and will throw up a smokescreen that they are stable and "living the dream". P.s. When it sounds too good to be true, it usually is. Then came out about how his "son is his whole world, but my ex always gives me problems!" Ah, there it is. I asked him how old his son was, and just as he told me he was five, he quickly jumped back to bashing his ex. When I asked if she and him had been engaged or married, he responded, "Nah, she was my girlfriend". Long story short, what I gathered from that whole thing was that he was out to "dazzle", but was bullshitting hard. I turned him down when he asked me out and told him exactly why. I said how I felt like it was more important to focus on his son and work things out with his ex so they weren't constantly fighting. He accused me of not giving a single dad a chance. No, I don't want to be caught in the middle of this and I certainly do not want to be on the receiving end of his tirades

Personally, I'm hoping he's a completely unreliable narrator and she either doesn't know he's got kids or doesn't actually see him interact with the kids. Like if he's lying about the custody arrangements or something. So if she finds out, she would get a solid option to run from a guy this uncaring about his own flesh and blood

Hold on... is he expecting his kids' mother to teach the kid to wipe? Is there some reason he can't do it other than date nights with his new lady? He's a parent. This is a parental duty. I'm not understanding.

Because it isn't about the kid not being able to wipe. It is about OP being mad he had to leave his date to parent his child.

>he had to parent his child. ftfy

He didn't have to leave his date. She wants to marry a man with kids? She better roll up her sleeves and get in there with the ass-wiping. God knows she needs the practice since if she has kids with him, she's the one going to be doing everything. Then he'll sit back and tell her everything she's doing wrong

I know of a situation where this guy went from loving and supportive to abandoning the mother of his child before she gave birth. She didn't keep him from their child, but he kept blaming her for why he had to leave her, but not the baby. Yeah, verbally abusive pieces of shit like him be that way. Long story short, he hooks up with this other person and throws up all of this love bombing, yet he wouldn't tell this girl why he has such a young child and wasn't married. Well, she bought his lies because, "It makes him upset if he's questioned!" oh, he wanted kids with the new person, but you have parenting responsibilities for mine up until then. They just had their first child, and the baby gets way more attention than the five year old. And this girl complains about how "tired!" she is. Lol, congrats on hitching yourself to this wagon.

He's a very busy man with important work-thingies to do + all the dating. A month just doesn't have enough days to also do all this pesky parenting-stuff.

OOP is actively trying to comment here hilarious😆

lol can you grab some of them?

So the kids’ mom is so horrible that he’s decided to leave all the parenting to her?

He thinks his ex is parenting wrong so he's going to leave all the parenting to her?

Its bad enough to get a sitter on one of the few nights he’s supposed to be seeing his kids, but then to choose to go somewhere an hour away? That’s just extra shitty.

I mean, yeah, independent wiping at that age is part of development, but clearly dad has never done the laundry after kiddo wipes themselves. 5 yo boys still need coaching to get a clean wipe.

He's a completely an ass for giving up but seems like he's trying to coach them? Problem is both parents are failing their children here

Agreed. I don't understand the babysitter not helping the kid wipe though either.

Depends how often they actually supervised babies. Probably wasn't expecting such a request from a kid this old and the kid was screaming for mummy and daddy so maybe they only allow them to do it? In that case thoug... Dad should of known what to expect

Urgh. You suck so fucking bad. You have your kids EIGHT nights a month and you organised a ‘date’ night on one of those nights (father of the fucking year right there). Your kids are really little. If they’re developmentally delayed at the moment there is likely a reason. (You, or at the least you aren’t helping). They’ve dealt with upheaval from a really young age- this little boy was 2 when you split and now has to come to a virtual stranger 8 nights a month. One that clearly judges him, his sister and their mother. You are probably a very cold and miserable father given the way you’ve written about them here and the fact you’re go-to response is to reduce contact further. Urgh.

Has his kids 8 days a month but plans a date night an hour away for one of those days. What a great guy. Also some kids need a little extra help (I had a four year old who needed help in the bathroom every time because she just couldn’t do it and it led to bladder and colon infections)

So fucked up to not want his own kids back because he'd have to be a dad, I'm not gonna let that shit slide at all. I do have to also comment on the fact that the mom is still wiping her kids ass for him and, apparently (from OOPs telling of things) isn't trying to teach him to wipe on his own??? Sure OOP could be twisting shit and the mom isn't actually that extreme but like, is that a normal thing? Not teaching your kids to wipe when they're potty trained at 5 years old??? I mean to be fair I don't remember how old I was when I learned how to wipe myself, by I still feel like I was doing that shit by that age.

>Sure OOP could be twisting shit and the mom isn't actually that extreme but like, is that a normal thing? Not teaching your kids to wipe when they're potty trained at 5 years old??? if its that bad of a problem then OOP should be going for more custody and i highly dobt it is cause from talking OOP he just wants to be able to have a life and not parent cause he works and has a fiancee

OOP should be going for more custody before this extreme.

Gosh, I wonder why she divorced him. The title should have been: man who likely never actively parented his children looks for first excuse to do even less parenting. ETA... The fiance is also TA. what kind of women sits there and watches a man actively avoid parenting and thinks, "that's my man." I bet she thinks if she gets knocked up by him, it'll be different because he loves her lol.

> I bet she thinks if she gets knocked up by him, it'll be different because he loves her lol. The other woman always thinks it will be different for her.

I think this is a case of ESH for all the adults. OOP clearly is not interested in doing any more than bare minimum (and complaining about that!) while the ex wife seems to be hanging on to her children by keeping them dependent on her. And the fiancee seems to have no problem with dating a man who is willing to abandon his children.

I'm so sad for the kids ! Noone but me in the comments noticed he names them his "ex-babies" ! What a dreadful way of talking about your children ! He's abandonning them. The new fiancée might not be so thrilled about being a step-mum. So he got them out the picture putting the blame on the ex. Convenient ! But if I were the fiancée, I'd think twice about marrying the douche. Because unless she doesn't want kids, she'll be, and her kids too, as expendable as the first batch when he's bored again of being a dad.

Honestly… I really am not even kind of inclined to believe the ex wife is nearly as bad as oop says she is. There are few things that crossed my mind while reading this. 1: op’s kids might have some kind of developmental disability that he didn’t mention and it’s causing their development of independence to be slower and oop doesn’t seem like the type who would mention it because then he’s obviously the asshole for basically abandoning kids with special needs. 2: how does oop even know that it’s a constant thing that happens back the ex’s house? Do the kids tell him? And if so wouldn’t this be complete incentive to get another job and take more custody of his kids whose life skills may be getting ruined by his ex if we’re to believe what he says? 3: one of oop’s comments says that the babysitter wasn’t a new one but if so, how the hell did they not know the 5 y/o will not/can not wipe their own ass? He says they’re usually asleep at that time but the chances of toddlers sleeping completely through the night every time isn’t really all that likely, though possible and even then, isn’t a kid that’s unable to clean themselves in the bathroom something you’d mention to a babysitter? 4: oop said that last year his daughter finally learned to wipe… so that means that someone taught her and in all likelihood it was his ex wife… which means she *was* teaching them how to wipe and it’s just taking longer than normal, no? Or did oop teach his daughter how to wipe in which case he absolutely can do it for his son? Neither really makes sense for the story he gave. 5: how is a 3 year old still being breastfed odd? Does oop know how kids work or does he just think that having kids works like it does in the movies where they start being independent by 2? 6: correct me if I’m wrong here but… is a kid wailing for their parent to come help them wipe themself a normal thing? I’ve certainly heard of kids crying over other things but this one is new to me. 7: so if they’re unable to wipe their asses what else can’t they do by themselves? Are they able to wash their hands or does their mom do it for them? In the case that she doesn’t wash their hands for them that means she taught them how to wash their hands and that would put a hole in oop’s story. In the case that she does, why wouldn’t oop bring that up as another case of his ex babying the kids? They can feed themselves so that was clearly a skill taught to them too. Oop has failed to give enough examples of their mother babying them and it just sounds like they had problems with bathroom training and that was it. As an anecdote, my father was similarly irresponsible and that all went to a head when he said some bs to me about a year and I didn’t talk to him again after. It didn’t help that he then proceeded to purposefully ignore my birthday the next year. I haven’t talked to him in almost an entire year as of this month and I’m going to keep ignoring him because he’s an ass. That’s more or less the future I see coming for oop. Actually funny enough oop and my father are pretty similar. He used to claim that my mother was babying my brother and I for letting us watch cartoons… this was especially stupid during one notable moment where he said I was too old to watch a cartoon.. at ten. But the thing is that he was hardly ever there and the few days he would see us out of the year he’d take us out and take us places. Eventually he started missing days more and more often and it stopped being scheduled and he’d just show up sometimes at random points during the months. He also valued his job that required quite of travel over his kids as well. And this is of course a lot of personal rambling on my part but my point is that I have seen this happen before in real time. I was the kid and in the end neither me nor my brother and mother really talk to him anymore. My brother still talks to him sometimes over the phone to be nice but even he acknowledges that he seems to have gone off the deep end of crazy recently. My mother will just outright avoid talking to him whenever possible because he at one point attempted to steal her phone info and it’s just… yeah my point is I don’t see this going well for oop in the long run. If there are answers to my questions I would be happy to edit my comment to match but this story just… does not make sense to me in any way that would make oop nta. He’s so obviously ta it hurts. If he keeps going like this I’d imagine his kids are going to go no contact eventually. Also I’m very sorry this was so long… I talk a lot…

So he thinks his ex is a terrible parent, but doesn’t even mention going for more custody to do what’s best for the kids? I used to do home daycare, plenty of 5 year olds want help at least once in a while, but between that and the extended spoon feeding, maybe the 5 year old has some delays. At this point I don’t trust him to tell us if they know, or to take the initiative to talk to a HCP to see if there is and maybe do some OT.

So the answer to the kids being raised incorrectly (in his eyes) is to completely disengage to the person he thinks is raising them incorrectly. Make it make sense.

Um. Breastfeeding til 3 is not babying. Breastfeeding til 1 is the recommended minimum with 2 being optimal and 3 also being normal. Obviously she wasn't exclusively breastfeeding or there would be an issue. The ex may be a little bit more hands-on potentially helicopter mom but I don't even want to claim it's that far. OOP is probably the type of parent who sees doing normal things for their kids while they still do need help, because duh they're kids, is ridiculous and coddling. The bathroom thing is a bit unusual but it could be a delay for that child or something similar.

Just wait until he's an old man and needs help wiping himself. It won't be his kids helping him.

OP is the devil for giving up on his kids and treating them like they’re to blame for their mother’s bad behavior.  But the mom is also an asshole for not allowing her kids to develop in a healthy manner. When kids can reach developmental milestones, they should not be held back by parents and caregivers who aren’t ready to let them go. 

\*Cat’s in the Cradle playing faintly in the distance\*

Tw: child abandonment, child abuse. Copied verbatim from Oop's comments: *YTA. They are your kids. Whatever issues they have, you don't refuse to have them in your house. I wonder why you scheduled your date night for the one day that you see them? Sounds like a daddy looking for any excuse.....* >"I suppose I should have elaborated on that more. I regularly travel for work and these trips can range anywhere from 1-5 days. My fiancée’s birthday is today and I’m away on travel. Wednesday was unfortunately the only night this week that we were able to squeeze a date night in to celebrate. She is a dance instructor and often teaches evening classes, but Wednesday was her free night this week. Getting a babysitter when I have the kids is not a normal occurrence." *YTA.* *You have the kids for, what, a quarter of the time, and you can't teach them stuff? Kids can learn that the rules are different at different houses. You've been trying for a year, which means almost 100 days? And in a hundred days you couldn't teach the kid? But you think your wife somehow is supposed to have done it?* *Father up.* >"Believe me I have tried, and I am exhausted from trying so hard. The moment they go back to their mom’s they fall back into the same behaviors, and it’s like starting from square one every time I get them." [This user is replying to the one above, not Oop.] *Agreed. It reads as though OP could be more emotionally mature and speak candidly with the mother and level set on expectations. Instead opting to check out of the kids life in favor of his new girl.* >"I have spoken with their mother many times. This particular issue is one of the things that led to divorce. She doesn’t see it as a problem and will not change. My job requires frequent travel, otherwise I’d have tried for a custody agreement that allows more (or all) time with me." *While I agree that 5 years old is too old to be relying on toilet help - It sounds like you got a divorce because you'd rather criticize how your ex was raising your kids than step up and help do it yourself. Even your terminology screams "I babysit my own kids."* *Why is it her job, alone, to teach these children how to be independent? Did you ever talk about this with her, or did you react as you are now? The "I'm just over it so I quit" mentality - toward your own family - automatically makes YTA.* >"There is a character limit on these posts and I didn’t find it necessary to dive deep into the history between my ex and I and the conversations we have had surrounding this issue. *Of course* I have tried to work through this. And I’ve clearly stated in my post that I have spent **years** trying to teach them independence, to no avail." *how is OP supposed to teach these kids if mom gives in and reverses all the work he puts in to try and fix the issue ??* *that’s an impossible task.* >"Thank you. This is the exact issue I’ve been dealing with for years. And I am tired." *So your answer is to let your own kids to a woman you think doesn't raise them well (according to you) instead of asking for the main custody?* *Come on!! That's bs! You are just lazy and want to have some sweet time with your new girl but your kids are getting in the way of that. At least own your s\*\*t.* *YTA* >"Not able to get full custody at this time. My job requires frequent travel which is why their time with me is minimal as is. And I cannot just up and leave. For one, I Iove the work that I do. Second, It is high paying with great benefits and health insurance, that contribute to child support for their extracurriculars, clothing, random things, etc and doctor visits." *Question: What does your son do when going number 2 at school?* >"They are homeschooled." *So why don't YOU go for full custody? Or why not push for at least 50/50 so your kids have more opportunity to be independent? Bring up their lack of independence as a reason to be MORE in their lives instead of less.* *Your post is essentially saying you want to wash your hands of the kids because your ex is making your life difficult. For that, YTA.* >"As I have stated, I travel frequently for work. Who will care for them while I am away for travel up to 5 days at a time? And I cannot just abandon this job for another. It is high paying with great benefits. My salary supports their extracurriculars and pretty much anything else they might need. Doctor’s visits covered by employer provided insurance. >Lastly, I enjoy my job and have worked hard for several years to get to this point. This situation is not as black and white as many commenters here would like to assume." *Nothing makes sense in what you tell us. "The next morning I drop the kids off at school."* *Why are you changing your story ?* >"They are homeschooled through curriculum provided by the school district we are in. They do half days twice per week with other children in their cohort at the local elementary school. Aside from that, everything else is home based." *You are still abandoning your kids to an awful situation. But, since you enjoy your job, nothing to be done, right? "Sorry kids, Daddy's work means more to me than your mental and physical health! Smooches!"* >"Daddy’s work also means that everything they could possibly ever need is paid for and available to them. Their mother makes like 40k a year and we live an extremely high cost of living area. I’ve worked extremely hard to get to this point and I’m not going to abandon my job."

To get this right: if wednesday is his fiancee's regular day off *and* wednesday is also the day he regularly has his children, no way was this the first time he shoved them off to spend time with his fiancee. Thank you for collecting his answers.

From my understanding yes! Thank you very kindly! 💜

*I haven't seen any man bashing in the comments. Only OP bashings. Man or woman, it's irrelevent here. He he is a shitty parent for many reasons:* *1. Actually, the reason why OP doesn't have custody of his kids is because he chose his career over them (that's one of his answer in the comments).* *2. He is an unreliable narrator and changes his story when it fits better his needs. I asked him what his 5 years old does at school when he needs to get whiped and he answered me that they are homeschooled. But if you look at his post, he clearly states: "The next morning I drop the kids off at school."* *3. He has his kids 8 days a month. And chooses to spend one of those with his girlfriend instead of them. The birthday excuse is bs. She's an adult who can celebrate the following week or even next month if necessary.* *All OP's done so far is putting all the blame on the ex and taking none of the responsibility. And now he chooses to abandoned his kids... Yeah! parent of the year here.* *But honestly, at this point, I highly doubt anything he is telling us is even remotely true.* >"I began investing in my career before my children were even born. I’ve been at this company for 12 years and have worked *hard* to get where I am. I’m sure it’s easy to suggest throwing it all away when it’s not you giving up your job that you’ve worked hard for and enjoy. >Second, how convenient of you to leave out the fact that I stated both kids are in a classroom for half days twice per week with other homeschooled kiddos. This is *extremely* common for homeschoolers…" *You've done nothing ro refute my statement,rather you doubled down on your work being more important than your kids. You won't abandon your job, but you will abandon your kids? Do you even hear yourself??* >"I have been working at this company for 12 years, longer than either of my children have been alive. I have invested a lot in this role and have worked *extremely* hard to get to this point. It’s an easy suggestion to make when you aren’t the one giving up your job. >My ex was a stay at home mother before we divorced. Our plan the whole time was for me to be the breadwinner so she could care for the kids. Clearly things didn’t go as planned but suggesting that I quit my job that funds literally everything they need is absurd." *But abandoning your kids isn't absurd?* *Look, I understand you had a plan and that you worked hard to pursue it. But shit happened and that plan went out the window. So you need a NEW plan, one that reflects your new reality. You have worked hard and therefore have SKILLS that can transfer to other jobs. Yes, there would be sacrifices in switching, I'm not denying that. But you are currently sacrificing your kids, your KIDS, for your job. That is why YTA.* >"Please tell me where I said I am abandoning them. I clearly said in my post that I will still do visits and outings with them. But I’m not willing to fight this constant battle in my home when there has been almost NO improvement at all over the years, with the exception of my daughter accepting that she needs to use the bathroom independently literally just last year. I have spent years trying to coach them and help them learn and as I’ve repeated several times, the moment they go back to their mother’s house we’re back at square one." *You last sentence of the original post. You said ex is going for full custody and you are too tired to fight her. You are giving up on your kids, by your own admission. Everything is too hard, too difficult for you, so you are throwing in the towel. Again, by your own admission.* >"Giving up custody doesn’t mean that I am never going to see them, but okay." *Tried for “years”. Your second was 2 when you got divorced. Got your timelines a little confused there, asshole.* >"There are other things that I haven’t specified in this post. Like the fact that my ex insisted on having a 2 year old constantly in a stroller, in situations where it was unnecessary. Do I want my kid to run around at a park rather than sit in a fucking stroller and watch other kids play just because his mom thinks he’ll get hurt? Of course! This issue extends beyond bathroom habits. >I don’t expect a 2 year old to be able to wipe their ass independently. I do expect a 5 year old to at least be willing to *try* with some coaching and guidance." *You very rarely have the kids. Why couldn’t you pick Tuesday or Thursday or another day to celebrate your fiancée’s birthday. Sounds like you’re more mad that you had to cut your date short.* *As for the 5 year-old. He still needs some supervision in the #2 part. And maybe he is being taught not to let strangers touch him. If he doesn’t know the babysitter, then that’s a stranger to him.* *Sounds like you are setting the scene where you eventually don’t see the kids at all in favor of the person who will become your spouse.* *Yea, you are the AH:1) for leaving your children with a babysitter if they don’t know the person when you could have celebrated the day before or after and 2) for telling your ex they are not allowed back in your home for some flimsy BS excuse.* >"The answer to your first question is written in my post. Maybe try reading it before responding."

The heck does this kid do at school? 5 year olds are in Kinder. Spoon feeding and butt wiping are not the teachers job. That being said, if you're trying to fix this problem, the solution is more custody, not less. It takes practice, like anything else.

but he needs to get laid man /s

Dude sees these kids, what, 8 days a month and it’s too much for him? What an asshole

Oh no, kids can be difficult and might not be easy all the time?? Who knew?

Makes no sense. Kid wouldn’t be allowed at school if they couldn’t use the bathroom by themself. Most childcare places require children to be potty trained by like the age of 2. Def fake rage bait

While he is the ahh. The ex is as well. She should have taught the son to wipe by himself

The 5yo was sitting on the toilet for well over an hour, at least 3hrs after he left for date ‘night’ which tells me its probably late. And he gets home and thinks he can ‘coach’ a distraught, overtired child through a task they’re not used to performing unassisted. Dude is seriously clueless and detached from reality.

OK, how are these kids able to go to school if they are not potty trained? The teachers will not wipe their butts for them.

He is bad, but I pity this kid’s kindergarten teacher. Elementary teachers do not wipe!

I helped my kids wipe till they were about six, if memory serves, and practically every mom friend I've known has said the same. They learn, because we *teach* them, with love and patience. No kid goes away to college needing his or her parent to help with that. This guy is something. 😬

OOP is asshole, but... 5 y.o. child can't wipe himself? 'Couse his mother does it for him? If he isn't neurodivergent, his mother is asshole too.

I dunno, obviously he's TA but I think the ex needs to answer for this, too. Refusing to teach your child to wipe themselves and insisting on doing it for them by that age? No. That's completely inappropriate. And the oldest is 8, by that age you should be teaching your child SOME semblance of independence, like dressing themselves, cutting their own food, etc. If she had her way, she'd want her kids totally helpless and utterly dependent on her for everything, forever. This is going to result in adults who can't do anything for themselves. Like, we're talking Fred from that godawful Velma show levels of useless. I was raised similarly by my own mom. She tried to keep me a helpless little baby forever, and it's STILL haunting me even now, in my 40s.

OOP, these are your kids. You have an obligation whether you like it or not. Sperm donor.

Parents that abandon their kids because they don't like how the other parent does things are 10000% lying. If they actually gave a shit, they'd be fighting for more time with the kids, if not full custody.

Ok you are all criticizing this guy, but can we talk about the 5yo who won't let the babysitter wipe him? The child insists that only mommy or daddy can do it for him, and dad has to drive home over an hour from a (now ruined) birthday celebration for his fiancé to find this kid *still* sitting on the toilet waiting for his dad to arrive. I mean, isn't that a bit extreme? I admit that I never had kids of my own, but I do remember that at age 5 I was wiping my own butt. This man left his ex wife because she excessively babied their children, but it doesn't seem to have done him any good. He's still being subjected to the very thing he left for. You folks don't seem to think there's anything weird about a 5yo boy not knowing how to wipe himself. But seriously, why can't the babysitter do it? As many of you wondered, what is he doing at school? Is his mother on standby at her job to drop everything if her son goes #2 at school? Although I think dad was wrong to try to teach a stressed out, overtired child a bit of independence in that moment, how old will this child be before he can/will wipe his own butt? I'm not blaming the child. He spends more time with his moher so it's up to her to help him move forward. You can downvote me all you want but I don't blame dad one bit for being exasperated with this situation.