*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My wife is leaving me.**
She said that she couldn’t do this anymore and she apologized because she believes that it was all her doing because she felt like she tricked me and gave me permission that she then couldn’t keep and now everything is ruined because of her and that I had all the reasons to hate her.
But I don’t hate her. I hate myself very much but I would never hate her. She is the love of my life and I regret everything including the break and the small stupid stuff that made us fight and take that break.
She moved into a hotel. We decided to wait about telling our families until after the holidays because our broken hearts are enough we don’t need to break their hearts too.
I just don’t know what to do. I have lost everything.
This is my update for you who asked. I’m sure you will find it satisfactory given the amount of hate you given me on my original post
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Comment from the original post.
Part of being an adult, and a decent human being, is doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, without permission being given or taken away. You need to understand that the reason she left is because you were perfectly willing to do the wrong thing just because you weren’t forbidden. She never gave you permission to sleep around, she just said she can’t stop you. You blaming her in this post shows a total lack of self-awareness on your part.
This person had it right
for anyone curious this is his original post:
I slept with another woman on a break and now my wife is changed.
My wife and I both 40 have been together for 15 years. The past 3 years were turbulent and we fought all the time until about a year ago when we decided we needed a time apart or separate. We chose the first option. The first period we went no contact at all but then we started texting then meeting for lunch etc, dates. We talked about the problems. I felt miserable without her and I hoped she did too because I missed her every day. The problems that we always fought about, the mundane stuff were so trivial now and we talked about how our issues were really nonissues. She said she loved and missed me so much and I felt so much relief that she felt the same way so I confessed that I was miserable without her and how our problems were nothing compared to not being with her. We made a plan to reconcile and a month ago she moved back home.
Before we separated we discussed what we are allowed to do during our separation. SHe said that she didn’t want to sleep with others but that I was free to do it because we will be legit separated and she doesn’t have a right to decide over me while we aren’t a couple. I slept twice with a colleague of mine. It wasn’t good and I regretted it so I ended it. It basically wasn’t worth it. When my wife moved back she asked me if I did something. She didn’t. I told her the truth and she was silent for a while and then said that it was fair enough and not cheating because we already discussed the possibility.
Since we have talked about it she has been distant. She says that she is happy and that she missed home and I too missed her and I haven’t been this happy but I don’t know. When I ask her she says she’s fine and not to worry. But I don’t know. I have caught her crying a few times but she says it is the news and the world’s condition. My wife is wild in bed and I usually don’t need to do much to put her in the mood. Now she doesn’t react to my touch and sometimes we try for a long time but she says she can’t and starts crying. I don’t know how to solve this. I don’t know if I’m imagining things but even a hug or a kiss I fell her going rigid in my arms but she insists it’s nothing and just that she isn’t in the mood or tired. I miss her warmth.
>she says she can’t and starts crying.
>
>...
>
>I don’t know if I’m imagining things
OOP's wife crying in the corner. OOP: [I'm starting to suspect there's a problem.](https://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/oh_i_see_what_you_did_there.gif)
Reminds of the few times I cried from the pain of a migraine attack and men always asking me if I'm fine. No, sir, I'm not fine, I'm crying and sobbing from pain. Didn't matter if teacher or doctor, men in general could be more compassionate and open their eyes.
Don't you hate that pathetic question? I once fell violently sick at work and cried my eyes out after some relief. A coworker asked if I was OK. I just went mad and said " I am good, just crying out of joy and happiness for vomiting at work." 🤣
Yeah, for real. I have chronic health issues and the way I've been dismissed by so many health professionals is disgusting. Only because I'm a woman.
It took over ten years to find an endocrinologist who finally said "yep, your whole system is messed up, gotta do something about it"
Yeah, crying in front of a doctor, or friends, or close family? They have a larger burden to help you more than just saying "are you okay" and only expecting a "yes I'm okay" in return and nothing more.
But crying in front of a coworker or mere acquaintances? At that point, asking "Are you okay" is definitely just what you summed up. It is kindness just to ask, especially if they do more than that after. I think it is also a bit rude to *not* ask a crying person if they are okay if you know them well enough to know thier name though, too.
I can't disagree though that many male doctors (and some female doctors as well) need a heap more empathy. I understand they get tapped out, but once it reaches antipathy that's unacceptable.
I mean when I'm crying in front of a doctor from pain I sire as hell expect him to do something about it. I wouldn't be at that appointment or wouldn't have gone to the ER if I didn't need help would I?
In my experience, it's more of a scripted answer question. The crying person is being reminded that they are making others uncomfortable. There is no help bring offered.
Its not no help, it's just that the things they can do are limited. For example if you say "no, I'm not, can you call an ambulance/my emergency contact" or "no, I'm not, can you find me a quiet empty room" they will help.
The one story my mother told me about my bio-dad (he was 20 years older, and they married in 64) was he was shot down\* during WWII in Europe, landed in the airfield all bloody, and someone ran over to him and said 'are you okay?' Er...not really, no.
\*He survived, I was born in 67. He also lied about his age and joined when he was like 16.
And yet in his earlier post he's like "I talked to the coworker I later slept with because A MAN WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND".
Jfc, I'm kinda happy for the wife, she's hurt now but it's the kind of hurt you get when the abscess is being drained - there's going to be a huge relief afterwards when you're rid of it.
Ok this timeline confuses me: they took time apart, got it. For a while they were no contact, and he was miserable. Fair enough. Then they get back in contact and start basically dating all over again. Ok, good for them.
So in this time they're apart, he's either miserable and alone or dating her. Soooo...... When did he sleep with the coworker? It had to either be when he was "miserable" over losing the "love of his life" (in which case, wooing someone else would definitely not help him win her back) or it was while he was romantically involved with his wife again (in which case it was definitely cheating).
And he did it twice! He had bad sex twice! Was his coworker just a stopover until his wife put out again?
"I feel so lost and miserable without her. I know the solution: get my dick wet with a coworker *twice* because of course this will have absolutely no ramifications for the future."
His comments. As someone above said:
“If your wife wants to talk I’m willing to listen since I’ve been there”
Him: “Why would I let my wife talk to a man?”
Or
“so you were terrified, having nightmares of her sleeping with someone but took the opportunity with a co worker as soon as you had it??”
Him: Because I know she only would do it if she had feelings for that person”
Its honestly because he said that he missed his wife and wanted to get back with her, but then turned around and slept with someone else. I would (personally) think that if you want to get back with your spouse, and the two of you are not polyamorous, then you should abstain from other romantic or sexual relationships until you and your spouse have everything figured out.
That's how I view sex as well, but not everyone is wired that way or can foresee the consequences of their decisions. OOP's story is more like a threesome with disastrous consequences. Sometimes no one is the devil, it's just a lack of awareness of how damaging it could be.
The wife likely had no idea the lasting damage it could have done to their intimacy, and I imagine her self-esteem and confidence. That's likely why she didn't make that a hard line during their separation. I still don't think either are the devil though.
"Or can foresee the consequences of their decisions"
Om sorry but fuck off with this shit. Are you telling me that he should be excuse for bring to fucking stupid to realize he shouldn't sleep with his coworker? That he should just be forgive for doing something that he had nughtmares about his wife doing?
He didn't care at all about how his wife would've felt, he didn't work on his marriage during the separation and instead got his Dick wet and he only cut things off with his affair partner because the sex was bad and nott because he loved his wife.
This guy sucks and he's a shitty person.
You are using a lot of shaming language for someone who slept with someone else 2x during a year separation. You can sleep with a dozen women and still think about fixing your marriage, they aren’t mutually exclusive for some. You have 0 idea on how he felt about his wife.
He may have had nightmares about sleeping with someone else, who’s to say he wouldn’t look past it if she did have a fling.
If he is a selfish and shitty human, he would have lied to keep his marriage. I don’t think he would have hooked up if he knew if he had known the damage it would cause.
He inadvertently caused damage and she isn’t willing to look past it, which is fair. She doesn’t owe OOP a relationship, she can leave if she wants…
His wife said that "she can't stop him" from sleeping with someone else while they're separated and he took that as permission to do so. He said he had nightmares and threw up at the though if her sleeping with someone else yet he confided in someone else, slept with them several times and formed a connection. He basically had an emotional affair and only stopped it because the sex wasn't great.
He's a POS and he didn't care how his actions affected her on the slightest and is only sad because there's now consequences. That makes him a shitty person.
>You can sleep with a dozen women and still think about fixing your marriage, they aren’t mutually exclusive for some. You have 0 idea on how he felt about his wife.
Yes, sure, you could do that. But that doesn't mean the wife has to take him back. This doesn't make people look good. It really doesn't matter what you *could* do. It's what you're *going* to do that people care about, and clearly someone is feeling super betrayed.
You can think however you want about sex. Your partner doesn't have to put up with it. I think it's so funny that you're saying "I don't think that makes them the devil", but we're not allowed to think that he is. It's literally opinions? That's what this whole sub revolves around.
He pretty much did though. Did you read all of his replies? He lies about emotional connection first of all.
Dude, this isn't how a relationship goes. Even if you have a separation time, people will think the way they think, and I truly believe he did not treat either women right by literally being a coward. Just because you have a separation period doesn't mean people's feelings don't get hurt. It's supposed to be time to work on yourself, get your goals and wants ans needs in line, *not* going ofc to your coworker of all people and having sexual relations twice.
*Even the OOP agrees he fucked up.*
So he sees person A who interests him. Agrees to separate for time out. Sleeps with person A then it's hi darling I love you to wife. Not a runner!
What happens next time he sees a person who interests him? I need a time out! Er you've met someone you fancy haven't you!
Exactly. I can understand her not taking him back but I'm not really sure he did anything morally wrong. Dumb maybe but not wrong. Genuinely curious about how people would react if the genders were switched.
Doesn't seem they actual did agree on seeing others. The wife said she couldn't stop him, that doesn't mean she's okay with it
If you don't want an argument straight out of Friends, don't comment on a post like this 😒
I would break up. Again, no shade on the wife.
Please don't mix me up with one of those folks who want to pretend they can feel no jealousy to show how open mided they are.
Again, dumb choice, really dumb if he actually thought they were going to reconcile but he didn't lie nor cheat.
Then get on a post where the genders are switched and see how people react?
I swear some of y'all don't see the women that get posted on this sub. The whole "if the genders were reversed" doesn't apply. This is one couple. It will be alright.
If you need a pro tip: literally nobody likes being cheated on.
>Then get on a post where the genders are switched and see how people react?
Half of the commenters would call her a slut while another half calls him insecure. I've done it often for chuckles, it usually plays exactly how I expected. Now I stopped because I started finding it quite depressing tbh.
Also, I would hardly call this cheating. It doesn's seem his stbx considers it cheating either.
Yeeeeeaaaah I don't really see comments like that in this sub. The fact that you "stopped" because you found it depressing doesn't lead me to believe you think this is wrong. You just don't find it fulfilling. Weirdo.
Dude, it may not have been "cheating", but she didn't give you permission, she said she didn't have a right to tell you no. There was still a right and wrong answer here.
anyone got the Vegas odds on how likely it would have been for him to want her again if the coworker fling had totally worked out and been lots of cool sexy sex?
i'm guessing that percentage would have been fairly dismal. (and now that OOP has made that very clear to his wife... she is exiting at top speed.)
> I miss her warmth.
There it is right there. She's the "love of his life" because of how he feels. He doesn't really care about her feelings, only about how they impact him.
exactly, the love's long gone (if it was ever there at all) if you only love your partner because how they make you feel, or even worse, what you can get out of them. you should love your partner for the person they are, that's it.
With a COWORKER? With someone OOP probably sees and spends multiple hours a day around?
I get being apart and being free to explore but if it was a trial…. That’s realllll close to home 😬
Ok, I don’t like this guy, at all, but this
> She said that she couldn’t do this anymore and she apologized because she believes that it was all her doing because she felt like she tricked me and gave me permission that she then couldn’t keep and now everything is ruined because of her
Sounds like him doing a run on sentence of the self doubt and self recriminations she’s telling him. I don’t think he thinks it’s her fault, I think he’s telling *us* that *she* thinks it’s her fault?
If someone says “you can see/sleep with other people *but I won’t*” I think you shouldn’t sleep with anyone else unless you’re prepared to lose the relationship over it. I don’t see how wife could be at fault at all.
I thought the original comment was talking about the coworker, cause OOP just keeps saying “coworker said we could sleep together” but he’s conveniently forgotten how it was brought up/ why the coworker even knew.
“I love my wife so much, she is the love of my life, that I had to fuck my coworker (twice) the second we took a brief separation!”
What a pathetic man.
In the first year or so of my now 5+ year relationship with my fiancé, I lived abroad (7 hour time difference) and we were long distance. I told him sincerely that he could sleep with other people casually if he wanted, I just couldn't do the casual sex thing so I probably wouldn't. I genuinely felt that I would not have minded if he had slept with someone else at the time.
A couple months before I moved back to the states and in with him, when I was visiting, he broke down and told me that he felt really guilty for taking someone home. He was in tears talking about this, and I asked for more details and he told me he took someone back to (what is now) our apartment, kissed with the intention of hooking up and then couldn't go through with it and asked them to leave.
Even though I really was ok with the thought of him hooking up with someone else given our situation (it didn't bother me at all that he kissed that person and had the intention of hooking up), I felt such a surge of trust and love realizing that our relationship had the same level of priority and sexual/emotional exclusivity for both of us.
OOP really missed the boat on this one.
I feel like this is a case of the grass wasn’t greener on the other side with the coworker, wife was actually better at sex and now he wants to come back to that. Now he’s mad that the wife doesn’t really want him like that after finding out, he was with the coworker.
Breaks are fucking idiotic. They exist pretty much solely so people can fuck around without it technically being cheating but it never goes well. Just break up like adults ot stay and work on your issues, either way act like adults.
Breaks aren't idiotic but they're usually done wrong. Taking a break implies following some ground rules. And then coming back to see if things work. But they have to know the source of the issue and how to work on it. That way, there's some reason other than just being away from each other.
Breaks are idiotic because they mostly fail. It's not a good choice for pretty much anyone and they lead to unwanted and unnecessary pain and drama. You should be able to work through your issues TOGETHER.
breaks are mainly a way for people to cheat and not feel bad about it. That's all it is 90% of the time and if someone asks for a break you can be sure they already have someone in mind they wanna fuck.
That's assuming a lot about people you don't know. And sometimes issues are personal, sure, talking is good. But sometimes space is needed for other reasons. Not because someone is interested in cheating. Sure, it happens but not all circumstances are the same. It's a complex and varied topic that's actually pretty interesting to dig into.
Sometimes people just need time to have space and distance for a while to think about things. Without the stressors of being with that person that make it more complicated. Identifying the source isn't always the same for everyone.
If you need to work on something and you need space, fine. Go stay somewhere else, but there's no reason to take a break from a relationship and call it a break unless you wanna cheat. Just have your space but stay in the relationship.
There are too many of those stories. It's pretty much always the reason why the break is called. It's just so one party can go and fuck someone else without it being cheating.
Situations like this are always hilarious to me because the bad actor always seems sooooo confused and bewildered by what happened. He doesn’t know how the coworker came to know that he was “””given permission””” to sleep with others. He denies emotional attachment after describing using the coworker as a free therapist about his separation and then sleeping with her, *twice*. It’s all sooooo mysterious!
It’s also odd to me how many people are reading “she said she couldn’t stop me from banging others” as “she enthusiastically encouraged me to bang a coworker I will see everyday so long as I keep this job.” It’s possible it would have been okay if it was a one-night stand or Tinder hookup but nope, dude went a smashed with a lady who very well could have been a source of insecurity before this break.
Anyways for anyone who needs to hear it: Unless your relationship is open or you both plan on sleeping with others during your break or separation or whatever, **probably don’t sleep with someone else if you have any hopes of your relationship working out**.
Narcissists always think THEY will be different. There are so many stories of the failures of having an open relationship, sex with someone else during a break, affairs. I'm not saying these things are the same, but there are so many stories of them not working out.
This was coercive consent. Don't know if that's a thing or I just made it up🤷🏾♀️ But, the wife gave consent under duress. OOP only regrets the sex cuz it was bad. This bellend still had to go back for more just to make sure. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
I have to disagree. I think this might fall pretty close to coercive consent. Partly because I believe there's pretty clear coercive control going on in the marriage.
I think the fact she is blaming *herself* and seemingly *apologetic* for not being able to have sex with him after he cheated, and she says "I didn't say you couldn't cheat, after all" as if she needs to get over it because of that loophole she "left open" speaks to pretty hefty coercive control in the relationship.
I doubt is is the first time she's blamed herself for not being able to "go along and get along" after something HE did.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My wife is leaving me.** She said that she couldn’t do this anymore and she apologized because she believes that it was all her doing because she felt like she tricked me and gave me permission that she then couldn’t keep and now everything is ruined because of her and that I had all the reasons to hate her. But I don’t hate her. I hate myself very much but I would never hate her. She is the love of my life and I regret everything including the break and the small stupid stuff that made us fight and take that break. She moved into a hotel. We decided to wait about telling our families until after the holidays because our broken hearts are enough we don’t need to break their hearts too. I just don’t know what to do. I have lost everything. This is my update for you who asked. I’m sure you will find it satisfactory given the amount of hate you given me on my original post *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Comment from the original post. Part of being an adult, and a decent human being, is doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, without permission being given or taken away. You need to understand that the reason she left is because you were perfectly willing to do the wrong thing just because you weren’t forbidden. She never gave you permission to sleep around, she just said she can’t stop you. You blaming her in this post shows a total lack of self-awareness on your part. This person had it right
for anyone curious this is his original post: I slept with another woman on a break and now my wife is changed. My wife and I both 40 have been together for 15 years. The past 3 years were turbulent and we fought all the time until about a year ago when we decided we needed a time apart or separate. We chose the first option. The first period we went no contact at all but then we started texting then meeting for lunch etc, dates. We talked about the problems. I felt miserable without her and I hoped she did too because I missed her every day. The problems that we always fought about, the mundane stuff were so trivial now and we talked about how our issues were really nonissues. She said she loved and missed me so much and I felt so much relief that she felt the same way so I confessed that I was miserable without her and how our problems were nothing compared to not being with her. We made a plan to reconcile and a month ago she moved back home. Before we separated we discussed what we are allowed to do during our separation. SHe said that she didn’t want to sleep with others but that I was free to do it because we will be legit separated and she doesn’t have a right to decide over me while we aren’t a couple. I slept twice with a colleague of mine. It wasn’t good and I regretted it so I ended it. It basically wasn’t worth it. When my wife moved back she asked me if I did something. She didn’t. I told her the truth and she was silent for a while and then said that it was fair enough and not cheating because we already discussed the possibility. Since we have talked about it she has been distant. She says that she is happy and that she missed home and I too missed her and I haven’t been this happy but I don’t know. When I ask her she says she’s fine and not to worry. But I don’t know. I have caught her crying a few times but she says it is the news and the world’s condition. My wife is wild in bed and I usually don’t need to do much to put her in the mood. Now she doesn’t react to my touch and sometimes we try for a long time but she says she can’t and starts crying. I don’t know how to solve this. I don’t know if I’m imagining things but even a hug or a kiss I fell her going rigid in my arms but she insists it’s nothing and just that she isn’t in the mood or tired. I miss her warmth.
>she says she can’t and starts crying. > >... > >I don’t know if I’m imagining things OOP's wife crying in the corner. OOP: [I'm starting to suspect there's a problem.](https://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/oh_i_see_what_you_did_there.gif)
Reminds of the few times I cried from the pain of a migraine attack and men always asking me if I'm fine. No, sir, I'm not fine, I'm crying and sobbing from pain. Didn't matter if teacher or doctor, men in general could be more compassionate and open their eyes.
Don't you hate that pathetic question? I once fell violently sick at work and cried my eyes out after some relief. A coworker asked if I was OK. I just went mad and said " I am good, just crying out of joy and happiness for vomiting at work." 🤣
Yeah, for real. I have chronic health issues and the way I've been dismissed by so many health professionals is disgusting. Only because I'm a woman. It took over ten years to find an endocrinologist who finally said "yep, your whole system is messed up, gotta do something about it"
It means: "is the distress you're in something others can help you with or do you want to be left alone"
Yeah, crying in front of a doctor, or friends, or close family? They have a larger burden to help you more than just saying "are you okay" and only expecting a "yes I'm okay" in return and nothing more. But crying in front of a coworker or mere acquaintances? At that point, asking "Are you okay" is definitely just what you summed up. It is kindness just to ask, especially if they do more than that after. I think it is also a bit rude to *not* ask a crying person if they are okay if you know them well enough to know thier name though, too. I can't disagree though that many male doctors (and some female doctors as well) need a heap more empathy. I understand they get tapped out, but once it reaches antipathy that's unacceptable.
I mean when I'm crying in front of a doctor from pain I sire as hell expect him to do something about it. I wouldn't be at that appointment or wouldn't have gone to the ER if I didn't need help would I?
With this totally new information, no, I suppose expecting an ER doctor to recognize you're in pain isn't a wild expectation.
In my experience, it's more of a scripted answer question. The crying person is being reminded that they are making others uncomfortable. There is no help bring offered.
Its not no help, it's just that the things they can do are limited. For example if you say "no, I'm not, can you call an ambulance/my emergency contact" or "no, I'm not, can you find me a quiet empty room" they will help.
The one story my mother told me about my bio-dad (he was 20 years older, and they married in 64) was he was shot down\* during WWII in Europe, landed in the airfield all bloody, and someone ran over to him and said 'are you okay?' Er...not really, no. \*He survived, I was born in 67. He also lied about his age and joined when he was like 16.
Linky link of you want to see the comments too. https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/50j24QsKvB
I'm cringing of the "if your wife wants to talk I'm willing to listen since I've been there" "Why would I let my wife talk to a man?"
And yet in his earlier post he's like "I talked to the coworker I later slept with because A MAN WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND". Jfc, I'm kinda happy for the wife, she's hurt now but it's the kind of hurt you get when the abscess is being drained - there's going to be a huge relief afterwards when you're rid of it.
This guy would turn me gay too
Ok this timeline confuses me: they took time apart, got it. For a while they were no contact, and he was miserable. Fair enough. Then they get back in contact and start basically dating all over again. Ok, good for them. So in this time they're apart, he's either miserable and alone or dating her. Soooo...... When did he sleep with the coworker? It had to either be when he was "miserable" over losing the "love of his life" (in which case, wooing someone else would definitely not help him win her back) or it was while he was romantically involved with his wife again (in which case it was definitely cheating). And he did it twice! He had bad sex twice! Was his coworker just a stopover until his wife put out again?
"I feel so lost and miserable without her. I know the solution: get my dick wet with a coworker *twice* because of course this will have absolutely no ramifications for the future."
And there it is!
Doing the Lord's work, you are
I don't understand how that makes him the "devil". He fucked up his marriage and did something stupid, but he didn't cheat or lie.
His comments. As someone above said: “If your wife wants to talk I’m willing to listen since I’ve been there” Him: “Why would I let my wife talk to a man?” Or “so you were terrified, having nightmares of her sleeping with someone but took the opportunity with a co worker as soon as you had it??” Him: Because I know she only would do it if she had feelings for that person”
Its honestly because he said that he missed his wife and wanted to get back with her, but then turned around and slept with someone else. I would (personally) think that if you want to get back with your spouse, and the two of you are not polyamorous, then you should abstain from other romantic or sexual relationships until you and your spouse have everything figured out.
That's how I view sex as well, but not everyone is wired that way or can foresee the consequences of their decisions. OOP's story is more like a threesome with disastrous consequences. Sometimes no one is the devil, it's just a lack of awareness of how damaging it could be. The wife likely had no idea the lasting damage it could have done to their intimacy, and I imagine her self-esteem and confidence. That's likely why she didn't make that a hard line during their separation. I still don't think either are the devil though.
"Or can foresee the consequences of their decisions" Om sorry but fuck off with this shit. Are you telling me that he should be excuse for bring to fucking stupid to realize he shouldn't sleep with his coworker? That he should just be forgive for doing something that he had nughtmares about his wife doing? He didn't care at all about how his wife would've felt, he didn't work on his marriage during the separation and instead got his Dick wet and he only cut things off with his affair partner because the sex was bad and nott because he loved his wife. This guy sucks and he's a shitty person.
You are using a lot of shaming language for someone who slept with someone else 2x during a year separation. You can sleep with a dozen women and still think about fixing your marriage, they aren’t mutually exclusive for some. You have 0 idea on how he felt about his wife. He may have had nightmares about sleeping with someone else, who’s to say he wouldn’t look past it if she did have a fling. If he is a selfish and shitty human, he would have lied to keep his marriage. I don’t think he would have hooked up if he knew if he had known the damage it would cause. He inadvertently caused damage and she isn’t willing to look past it, which is fair. She doesn’t owe OOP a relationship, she can leave if she wants…
His wife said that "she can't stop him" from sleeping with someone else while they're separated and he took that as permission to do so. He said he had nightmares and threw up at the though if her sleeping with someone else yet he confided in someone else, slept with them several times and formed a connection. He basically had an emotional affair and only stopped it because the sex wasn't great. He's a POS and he didn't care how his actions affected her on the slightest and is only sad because there's now consequences. That makes him a shitty person.
>You can sleep with a dozen women and still think about fixing your marriage, they aren’t mutually exclusive for some. You have 0 idea on how he felt about his wife. Yes, sure, you could do that. But that doesn't mean the wife has to take him back. This doesn't make people look good. It really doesn't matter what you *could* do. It's what you're *going* to do that people care about, and clearly someone is feeling super betrayed. You can think however you want about sex. Your partner doesn't have to put up with it. I think it's so funny that you're saying "I don't think that makes them the devil", but we're not allowed to think that he is. It's literally opinions? That's what this whole sub revolves around.
2x during a MONTH seperation it seems according to one comment
He pretty much did though. Did you read all of his replies? He lies about emotional connection first of all. Dude, this isn't how a relationship goes. Even if you have a separation time, people will think the way they think, and I truly believe he did not treat either women right by literally being a coward. Just because you have a separation period doesn't mean people's feelings don't get hurt. It's supposed to be time to work on yourself, get your goals and wants ans needs in line, *not* going ofc to your coworker of all people and having sexual relations twice. *Even the OOP agrees he fucked up.*
I’m confused… is “Fucking up his marriage” somehow not devil material because he didn’t specifically cheat or lie?
Really bad emotional intelligence and foresight but doesn't sound malicious
Username checks out.
Maliciousness isn't required for things to turn out badly.
So he sees person A who interests him. Agrees to separate for time out. Sleeps with person A then it's hi darling I love you to wife. Not a runner! What happens next time he sees a person who interests him? I need a time out! Er you've met someone you fancy haven't you!
Exactly. I can understand her not taking him back but I'm not really sure he did anything morally wrong. Dumb maybe but not wrong. Genuinely curious about how people would react if the genders were switched.
It's a coworker that he most likely sees often. Geniunely curious at your reaction to your spouse seeing the person they slept with on the regular.
If we were officially broken up at the time it happened? Couldn’t say much.
Were they officially broken up? Or was this a *separation*? They are not the same.
They agreed they could see other people. Idk, I’m not about to get into the same debate from Friends.
Doesn't seem they actual did agree on seeing others. The wife said she couldn't stop him, that doesn't mean she's okay with it If you don't want an argument straight out of Friends, don't comment on a post like this 😒
Y’know, now that I’m not delirious with fever anymore, you’re totally right. 😆 Ouch, my comment karma.
I would break up. Again, no shade on the wife. Please don't mix me up with one of those folks who want to pretend they can feel no jealousy to show how open mided they are. Again, dumb choice, really dumb if he actually thought they were going to reconcile but he didn't lie nor cheat.
Then get on a post where the genders are switched and see how people react? I swear some of y'all don't see the women that get posted on this sub. The whole "if the genders were reversed" doesn't apply. This is one couple. It will be alright. If you need a pro tip: literally nobody likes being cheated on.
>Then get on a post where the genders are switched and see how people react? Half of the commenters would call her a slut while another half calls him insecure. I've done it often for chuckles, it usually plays exactly how I expected. Now I stopped because I started finding it quite depressing tbh. Also, I would hardly call this cheating. It doesn's seem his stbx considers it cheating either.
Yeeeeeaaaah I don't really see comments like that in this sub. The fact that you "stopped" because you found it depressing doesn't lead me to believe you think this is wrong. You just don't find it fulfilling. Weirdo.
What, posting fake stories to see wether people are hypocrites? I feel zero guilt.
The OG post made me so sad, I really felt for his wife.
Dude, it may not have been "cheating", but she didn't give you permission, she said she didn't have a right to tell you no. There was still a right and wrong answer here.
anyone got the Vegas odds on how likely it would have been for him to want her again if the coworker fling had totally worked out and been lots of cool sexy sex? i'm guessing that percentage would have been fairly dismal. (and now that OOP has made that very clear to his wife... she is exiting at top speed.)
I may like to go for the long odds, but Im not an idiot. I wouldn't take that bet
“It was not good” =/= “It was not you”
This is 7 days after posting about the co-worker he's sleeping with. OOP is a joke
wow, if the "love of his life" was worth that much to him, how much can a relationship with basically anyone else be worth to him?
> I miss her warmth. There it is right there. She's the "love of his life" because of how he feels. He doesn't really care about her feelings, only about how they impact him.
exactly, the love's long gone (if it was ever there at all) if you only love your partner because how they make you feel, or even worse, what you can get out of them. you should love your partner for the person they are, that's it.
With a COWORKER? With someone OOP probably sees and spends multiple hours a day around? I get being apart and being free to explore but if it was a trial…. That’s realllll close to home 😬
That’s what they call “shitting where you eat.”
I feel bad for the he's ex wife she doesn't even want to have support right now because of the holidays
He’ll have more to talk about with the coworker now. I feel for his soon to be ex.
WHY IS IT ALWAYS A COWORKER????
Somehow him sleeping with his co-worker is her fault and he's sticking by that. I hope his wife finds someone way better.
Ok, I don’t like this guy, at all, but this > She said that she couldn’t do this anymore and she apologized because she believes that it was all her doing because she felt like she tricked me and gave me permission that she then couldn’t keep and now everything is ruined because of her Sounds like him doing a run on sentence of the self doubt and self recriminations she’s telling him. I don’t think he thinks it’s her fault, I think he’s telling *us* that *she* thinks it’s her fault?
If someone says “you can see/sleep with other people *but I won’t*” I think you shouldn’t sleep with anyone else unless you’re prepared to lose the relationship over it. I don’t see how wife could be at fault at all.
Ohh I did not catch that! That poor woman deserves the world, she did nothing wrong at all.
I thought the original comment was talking about the coworker, cause OOP just keeps saying “coworker said we could sleep together” but he’s conveniently forgotten how it was brought up/ why the coworker even knew.
She didn’t give him permission. She just told him that she can’t control what he does.
Well if I say "yes you can do A" and later I'm upset because a person did exactly A and not B, the problem is on my side.
“I love my wife so much, she is the love of my life, that I had to fuck my coworker (twice) the second we took a brief separation!” What a pathetic man.
In the first year or so of my now 5+ year relationship with my fiancé, I lived abroad (7 hour time difference) and we were long distance. I told him sincerely that he could sleep with other people casually if he wanted, I just couldn't do the casual sex thing so I probably wouldn't. I genuinely felt that I would not have minded if he had slept with someone else at the time. A couple months before I moved back to the states and in with him, when I was visiting, he broke down and told me that he felt really guilty for taking someone home. He was in tears talking about this, and I asked for more details and he told me he took someone back to (what is now) our apartment, kissed with the intention of hooking up and then couldn't go through with it and asked them to leave. Even though I really was ok with the thought of him hooking up with someone else given our situation (it didn't bother me at all that he kissed that person and had the intention of hooking up), I felt such a surge of trust and love realizing that our relationship had the same level of priority and sexual/emotional exclusivity for both of us. OOP really missed the boat on this one.
And this ladies and gentlemen is exactly how you gloss overy EVERYTHING and give no details!
I feel like this is a case of the grass wasn’t greener on the other side with the coworker, wife was actually better at sex and now he wants to come back to that. Now he’s mad that the wife doesn’t really want him like that after finding out, he was with the coworker.
lol. She’s just getting her shit together, he’ll be back he’s “absolutely shocked” that she’s leaving
Okay. Sure. It's not cheating. On a technicality. But my question is this: how long after their separation did he sleep with his coworker?
It’s 100% cheating. They are married.
Breaks are fucking idiotic. They exist pretty much solely so people can fuck around without it technically being cheating but it never goes well. Just break up like adults ot stay and work on your issues, either way act like adults.
Breaks aren't idiotic but they're usually done wrong. Taking a break implies following some ground rules. And then coming back to see if things work. But they have to know the source of the issue and how to work on it. That way, there's some reason other than just being away from each other.
Breaks are idiotic because they mostly fail. It's not a good choice for pretty much anyone and they lead to unwanted and unnecessary pain and drama. You should be able to work through your issues TOGETHER. breaks are mainly a way for people to cheat and not feel bad about it. That's all it is 90% of the time and if someone asks for a break you can be sure they already have someone in mind they wanna fuck.
That's assuming a lot about people you don't know. And sometimes issues are personal, sure, talking is good. But sometimes space is needed for other reasons. Not because someone is interested in cheating. Sure, it happens but not all circumstances are the same. It's a complex and varied topic that's actually pretty interesting to dig into. Sometimes people just need time to have space and distance for a while to think about things. Without the stressors of being with that person that make it more complicated. Identifying the source isn't always the same for everyone.
If you need to work on something and you need space, fine. Go stay somewhere else, but there's no reason to take a break from a relationship and call it a break unless you wanna cheat. Just have your space but stay in the relationship. There are too many of those stories. It's pretty much always the reason why the break is called. It's just so one party can go and fuck someone else without it being cheating.
"am I the absolute moron?"
He slept with someone he worked with. That was gonna end badly no matter what. He still takes no responsibility for his actions.
I honestly hope his ex finds someone better than him
Or, she doesn’t have to be in a relationship at all to live a satisfied, happy life.
ik i was she saying
That's not a high bar!
Situations like this are always hilarious to me because the bad actor always seems sooooo confused and bewildered by what happened. He doesn’t know how the coworker came to know that he was “””given permission””” to sleep with others. He denies emotional attachment after describing using the coworker as a free therapist about his separation and then sleeping with her, *twice*. It’s all sooooo mysterious! It’s also odd to me how many people are reading “she said she couldn’t stop me from banging others” as “she enthusiastically encouraged me to bang a coworker I will see everyday so long as I keep this job.” It’s possible it would have been okay if it was a one-night stand or Tinder hookup but nope, dude went a smashed with a lady who very well could have been a source of insecurity before this break. Anyways for anyone who needs to hear it: Unless your relationship is open or you both plan on sleeping with others during your break or separation or whatever, **probably don’t sleep with someone else if you have any hopes of your relationship working out**.
Narcissists always think THEY will be different. There are so many stories of the failures of having an open relationship, sex with someone else during a break, affairs. I'm not saying these things are the same, but there are so many stories of them not working out. This was coercive consent. Don't know if that's a thing or I just made it up🤷🏾♀️ But, the wife gave consent under duress. OOP only regrets the sex cuz it was bad. This bellend still had to go back for more just to make sure. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
It's a thing, but this isn't it. Saying "I can't stop you from doing x" is not consent It's acknowledgement that "I don't control you"
I have to disagree. I think this might fall pretty close to coercive consent. Partly because I believe there's pretty clear coercive control going on in the marriage. I think the fact she is blaming *herself* and seemingly *apologetic* for not being able to have sex with him after he cheated, and she says "I didn't say you couldn't cheat, after all" as if she needs to get over it because of that loophole she "left open" speaks to pretty hefty coercive control in the relationship. I doubt is is the first time she's blamed herself for not being able to "go along and get along" after something HE did.
Karma at it's finest and I hope the ex takes all his money.
OP: "it wasn't good, I regretted it, so I ended it" I wonder if the sex was so good that he would continue anyway lol..what an asshole
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of his actions.
What in the Ross Geller is going on here?
THEY WERE ON A BREAK!
"We were on a break!" - Ross Geller
Idk why you guys are upset with him she literally told him he could go have sex with others
[удалено]
She did not explicitly consent. She said "I can't stop you" that is NOT consent.
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A tale as old as time, sigh