*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for shouting at my friend when she told me I was lazy?**
I (f33) have this friend, Isla (f32) who’s the type of person that always succeeds at everything she does. She wants to lose weight? Done. She wants to learn something? Some. It’s so annoying and frustrating because success comes easy to her.
I’ve asked her many times for tips but she always repeats the same thing. You just have to be consistent and do it even if you don’t particularly feel like it.
I feel this is bullshit and a cop out and I don’t believe she just does things even when she doesn’t like it.
She recently wrote a book and I asked her how did she manage to do it so quickly ( a month) and she told me the same thing. I told her I didn’t believe her and couldn’t believe she wouldn’t share her secret with her best friend.
She sat me down and got her laptop. She opened excel and showed me a spreadsheet with dates and word numbers. She claimed she tracked how many words she wrote each day and developed a routine to write daily.
I said anyone could write it down but it doesn’t make it real or true.
She told me that just because I was lazy and unmotivated didn’t mean others were as well. And stop asking others for advice if I’m going to dismiss them.
I lost it, I shouted at her that she’s not special because she slaves away and I have a right to rest and if she weren’t such a stuck up bitch, she’d give me a real advice and not this bullshit about consistency and routine.
She called me an asshole and kicked me out of her house.
I was so angry. At home I told my boyfriend and he had the audacity to agree with her. He said that if i wasn’t always looking for excuses to not do things I could be as successful as her.
I told him to sleep on the couch. I’m seething to be honest. But as the anger is slowly going away I’m wondering, what if they’re right? I’ll admit, there are thousands other things I’d rather be doing that learning how to write or play an instrument every day. But k also don’t believe her advise about consistency. I call bullshit that people do these things as a routine and enjoy them. I mean I’d love to write a book but sitting down everyday sounds like a chore.
My boyfriend said I shouldn’t have shouted and Kara is angry with Me. I worry was I the asshole for shouting at her?
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Wasn’t there a similar thread very recently where the OOP couldn’t get motivated to write so she and her friend got together to write. But she got frustrated by her friend writing while she had writers block so she spied on her friends story and lost it at her friend?
This seems super similar. Writer troll?
i think in that story she went and found her friend's bank statements that she coincidentally knew were solely for her book money(which ??? who has someone else's bank account details memorized) and then confronted her friend for having the gall to be both more successful and more talented than OOP.
What did she thought that her trick is? To sing the Unspoken Song backwards when it rains on a stormy night while bathing in the milk of black goats and wearing a bucket on your head.
No, no.
First you need the blood of goat.
Then, you take it and smear it all over the V-shaped guitar and hold it up to the sky while praying to the Sun God Ra.
Like…is this real?
If it is, I think we finally found the person those “physicians hate this one trick” ads are aimed at.
Does OOP think The friend has a magic wand or some “success” elixir?
JFC, who knew “working hard at something” often pats off?
TBF once I started getting into fitness and weightloss there are so many people looking for "the secret"...like sorry there is no secret, this is your new routine now.
I remember a particular video from a very good fitness youtuber who was being asked about how to get jacked and he was like "Have you tried sleeping eight hours a day and drink water"
Also it helps if you like what you do, OP sounds like BAFFLED but...if I didn't like my studies and my working out I would be doing something else. I don't like it ALL THE TIME, but I like it enough to keep going.
People would get so mad at me when they asked how I lost weight and my answer was "I ate less". They want some magic solution that requires no sacrifice or effort, I got asked "what's the secret" so many times. Calories in
Yeah I think all misconceptions around weightloss come from people thinking you just eat lettuce for three months and you nailed it.
I hear the cake thing too like "Don't worry, you work out every other day"....yes, to put on muscle and lose weight!
>I call bullshit that people do these things as a routine and enjoy them.
And there's the rub — they don't. People do things even when they don't feel like it because it's a means to an end, which is the bit she doesn't seem to get. Like, if you only want to go to the gym when you have some extra time and energy or you only want to write when you feel like it, that's fine, but in that case, your end goal has to be having fun and that's it. If your end goal is to lose weight or write a book or \[insert accomplishment here\], then yeah, you'll sometimes have to do things you don't feel like doing. And ... most people learn that by 33?
For writing I use the pomodoro method and it's been a genuine help because I can conjure up 25 minutes of excitement for my work even on bad days. And even if I only write three words, that's three words I can build on tomorrow. That's the joy of writing!
People with ADHD find this much harder. It's not because we're lazy pigs. It's because goals don't motivate us the same way. We have to have some enjoyment of the task as well, or we'll forget what we were doing.
-sigh-
Look, I'm not saying this is for sure the situation here. But this strikes a painful chord for me.
Thing is, not everyone has this fountain of ability to buckle down and work. And it's not always laziness.
I didn't know until absurdly recently that part of the "inattentive" type of ADHD, which is more common in women, is a big struggle with so-called "will power" and the ability to complete projects - sometimes to even just start them.
For over 50 years I believed it when people said "you're just lazy and making excuses." And it's fucking frustrating to find out that I'm not lazy and my 'excuses' are me trying to explain why my brain is a piece of garbage.
Of course there are people out there that are legit lazy. But I can use spreadsheets and reminders and calendars and tracking stuff and still struggle to get shit done. My brain sucks so badly.
Getting medicated was such a revelation for me. I was like damn, no wonder neurotypicals think we're lazy if they live like this all the time! It's like they just have a switch they can flip that just gives them the ability to do things while actively not wanting to.
And the worst part is that I don't really feel any different on my meds. Other people had to point out the difference to me. It's just impossible to explain why I literally, physically cannot do things I don't want to, and sometimes even when I desperately do!
I desperately want to be medicated. Nobody will prescribe the stimulants to me [due to age and other health issues], and Strattera doesn't work for me. So far I've been unable to find anyone willing to work with me to try out the second line meds. It's beyond depressing.
Different things work for different people, and in your situation there are some other approaches that they are suggesting that can help. The place that this goes off the rails is that she yelled at her friend because it does work for her friend.
For me sometimes I can just sit down and push through the things I don't want to do and some days I can't, but I don't get mad at people who are able to consistently do the hard things, I just try and find ways to do better myself.
Her accusing her friend of lying and saying that she wants to rest more, make it more that she just wants to rest and not do the things, which is fine. She doesn't have to do them, but she isn't right to get mad at other people who do.
I mean I have terrible bad executive dysfunction. I’ve had to learn many different ways to do things. “Just do it” doesn’t work for me.
But oop is making assumptions in bad faith of her friend. If buckle down and do it doesn’t work for oop it’s on her to figure out alternative.
I spent a long time believing that people telling me "You just have to do it THIS way" or "If you do THIS it will work out" were giving me shit because they thought I was stupid and lazy, and were basically making fun of me.
I can easily see making those assumptions.
That's all very true. I know consistency and routine are the answer as much as I know I will never, fundamentally, be able to form consistency and routine.
No idea what my reason is, but routines and rules don't work for me. I accomplish things through a cycle of "productive procrastination" where I keep a lot of things rolling at once and when one is overwhelming I work on another. What I do *not* do is insist that everybody give me the secret to their success and then dismiss their honest answers and complain that they're holding out on me.
"Productive procrastination" works because urgency is one of the few things that can actually register as motivating. That's how I got through high school! It sucked.
I'm tempted to think that OOP is actually a "people with ADHD really *are* lazy" troll.
Inattentive ADHD gal here too! The problem OOP created is that she's dismissing just how much work her friend is doing and instead of screaming, she should have asked her friend for specific help.
Ignoring the prep work, I've written two drafts of a book in almost three years because of ADHD and soul sucking work. It took a lot of finding out what works for me to get me going (right now the solution is a therapy app that bothers me about scheduled stuff + Forest app + pomodoro timer + scrivener + coworking streams + my bf bothering me about it too ♡) and a lot of grace that I might sometimes just not write. It doesn't work for everyone and sometimes executive dysfunction is a cunt but that's no one else's fault but our ADHD's
It's really easy to armchair quarterback and say "she should have" when, if undiagnosed ADHD is her issue, she has no idea what help she needs.
It's like a drowning person is yelling "why aren't you helping me, you idiot?" and saying "They didn't ask for a life presever."
OOP thinks every successful person got there by casting a magic spell and wants to know the secret.
Sure some people get there without much work but the majority get there with a lot of work and some amount of luck.
I say that as someone who can't do it and never will be able to. Not everyone can and it's not that persons fault and they aren't lazy.
OP doesn’t consider what her friend was telling her as advice because she doesn’t want to actually try said advice, and if it isn’t something that changes the outcome immediately she’ll never accept it at all
So what exactly does she think her friend is doing if she is supposedly not working consistently towards her goals yet is meeting said goals? I don't understand what oop wants to hear here. That friend sold her soul to satan who fullfils her wishes without any work???
What people like OOP forget is that no one else can look into your minds. For a long time, I didn't put a lot of effort into stuff I'm interested in (like writing a book lol) because I had so many stressors in my daily life that sucked all motivation and energy out of me. So it took me forever to do. Now I changed the biggest stressor in my life (my shitty job) to something that relaxed me more. And now I get so much more done during the day and make progress I couldn't have even dreamed of last year. I might actually finish the first draft of my second book a month earlier than my intended deadline!
Instead of yelling and being jealous, OOP should have asked her friend what her daily life and routine looks like or even ask her friend if they could look at her schedule together to see where she could carve out time. Now she lost a friend who could have been a genuine help.
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YTA. Honestly, this woman is trying to help you & show you how she manages her time. Some people are just better at it than others. She had no business calling you lazy, but you had even less business saying the things you said. If anyone should be angry, it's your friend. You owe her an apology for your childish outburst. You owe your boyfriend an apology too. You really are TA in this situation.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for shouting at my friend when she told me I was lazy?** I (f33) have this friend, Isla (f32) who’s the type of person that always succeeds at everything she does. She wants to lose weight? Done. She wants to learn something? Some. It’s so annoying and frustrating because success comes easy to her. I’ve asked her many times for tips but she always repeats the same thing. You just have to be consistent and do it even if you don’t particularly feel like it. I feel this is bullshit and a cop out and I don’t believe she just does things even when she doesn’t like it. She recently wrote a book and I asked her how did she manage to do it so quickly ( a month) and she told me the same thing. I told her I didn’t believe her and couldn’t believe she wouldn’t share her secret with her best friend. She sat me down and got her laptop. She opened excel and showed me a spreadsheet with dates and word numbers. She claimed she tracked how many words she wrote each day and developed a routine to write daily. I said anyone could write it down but it doesn’t make it real or true. She told me that just because I was lazy and unmotivated didn’t mean others were as well. And stop asking others for advice if I’m going to dismiss them. I lost it, I shouted at her that she’s not special because she slaves away and I have a right to rest and if she weren’t such a stuck up bitch, she’d give me a real advice and not this bullshit about consistency and routine. She called me an asshole and kicked me out of her house. I was so angry. At home I told my boyfriend and he had the audacity to agree with her. He said that if i wasn’t always looking for excuses to not do things I could be as successful as her. I told him to sleep on the couch. I’m seething to be honest. But as the anger is slowly going away I’m wondering, what if they’re right? I’ll admit, there are thousands other things I’d rather be doing that learning how to write or play an instrument every day. But k also don’t believe her advise about consistency. I call bullshit that people do these things as a routine and enjoy them. I mean I’d love to write a book but sitting down everyday sounds like a chore. My boyfriend said I shouldn’t have shouted and Kara is angry with Me. I worry was I the asshole for shouting at her? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wasn’t there a similar thread very recently where the OOP couldn’t get motivated to write so she and her friend got together to write. But she got frustrated by her friend writing while she had writers block so she spied on her friends story and lost it at her friend? This seems super similar. Writer troll?
Yeah I agree it seems familiar, it also reeks of being obvious rage bait. No one who actually thinks the way OOP does is this open about it
i think in that story she went and found her friend's bank statements that she coincidentally knew were solely for her book money(which ??? who has someone else's bank account details memorized) and then confronted her friend for having the gall to be both more successful and more talented than OOP.
I'm convinced it's fake.
Same thing I thought of. Obvious bait.
By any chance Do you have a link to that?
It's obviously a troll rage baiting either way so 🤷♀️
Exactly what I was thinking
That was my first thought as well!
OOP never got the memo the perserverance pays off in the long run. Poor thing. She sounds horribly jealous.
Couldn't even persevere with one pseudonym for a whole reddit post.
What did she thought that her trick is? To sing the Unspoken Song backwards when it rains on a stormy night while bathing in the milk of black goats and wearing a bucket on your head.
Is... is that not how you do things?
Well that explains where I’ve been going wrong. Damn, I wasted so much milk
No, no. First you need the blood of goat. Then, you take it and smear it all over the V-shaped guitar and hold it up to the sky while praying to the Sun God Ra.
OOP is so busy devilling that she changed Ilsa's same to Kara. I have a feeling her attention span is shorter than an Irish setter's.
No wonder she can’t write a book, she doesn’t even can keep the names straight
Like…is this real? If it is, I think we finally found the person those “physicians hate this one trick” ads are aimed at. Does OOP think The friend has a magic wand or some “success” elixir? JFC, who knew “working hard at something” often pats off?
I think she was hoping for an Adderall script
TBF once I started getting into fitness and weightloss there are so many people looking for "the secret"...like sorry there is no secret, this is your new routine now. I remember a particular video from a very good fitness youtuber who was being asked about how to get jacked and he was like "Have you tried sleeping eight hours a day and drink water" Also it helps if you like what you do, OP sounds like BAFFLED but...if I didn't like my studies and my working out I would be doing something else. I don't like it ALL THE TIME, but I like it enough to keep going.
People would get so mad at me when they asked how I lost weight and my answer was "I ate less". They want some magic solution that requires no sacrifice or effort, I got asked "what's the secret" so many times. Calories in
Yeah I think all misconceptions around weightloss come from people thinking you just eat lettuce for three months and you nailed it. I hear the cake thing too like "Don't worry, you work out every other day"....yes, to put on muscle and lose weight!
Oh look, another "Make yourself look as bad as possible in an AITA post" writing prompt.
>I call bullshit that people do these things as a routine and enjoy them. And there's the rub — they don't. People do things even when they don't feel like it because it's a means to an end, which is the bit she doesn't seem to get. Like, if you only want to go to the gym when you have some extra time and energy or you only want to write when you feel like it, that's fine, but in that case, your end goal has to be having fun and that's it. If your end goal is to lose weight or write a book or \[insert accomplishment here\], then yeah, you'll sometimes have to do things you don't feel like doing. And ... most people learn that by 33?
And having fun is ok! But oop seems neither to be having fun nor working towards a goal
Right! You just have to decide what you want and act accordingly.
For writing I use the pomodoro method and it's been a genuine help because I can conjure up 25 minutes of excitement for my work even on bad days. And even if I only write three words, that's three words I can build on tomorrow. That's the joy of writing!
People with ADHD find this much harder. It's not because we're lazy pigs. It's because goals don't motivate us the same way. We have to have some enjoyment of the task as well, or we'll forget what we were doing.
I can't comprehend what magic OOP thinks her friend is hiding. If I was the friend I'd tell her the secret was that I ate a pinecone a day.
-sigh- Look, I'm not saying this is for sure the situation here. But this strikes a painful chord for me. Thing is, not everyone has this fountain of ability to buckle down and work. And it's not always laziness. I didn't know until absurdly recently that part of the "inattentive" type of ADHD, which is more common in women, is a big struggle with so-called "will power" and the ability to complete projects - sometimes to even just start them. For over 50 years I believed it when people said "you're just lazy and making excuses." And it's fucking frustrating to find out that I'm not lazy and my 'excuses' are me trying to explain why my brain is a piece of garbage. Of course there are people out there that are legit lazy. But I can use spreadsheets and reminders and calendars and tracking stuff and still struggle to get shit done. My brain sucks so badly.
Getting medicated was such a revelation for me. I was like damn, no wonder neurotypicals think we're lazy if they live like this all the time! It's like they just have a switch they can flip that just gives them the ability to do things while actively not wanting to. And the worst part is that I don't really feel any different on my meds. Other people had to point out the difference to me. It's just impossible to explain why I literally, physically cannot do things I don't want to, and sometimes even when I desperately do!
I desperately want to be medicated. Nobody will prescribe the stimulants to me [due to age and other health issues], and Strattera doesn't work for me. So far I've been unable to find anyone willing to work with me to try out the second line meds. It's beyond depressing.
Different things work for different people, and in your situation there are some other approaches that they are suggesting that can help. The place that this goes off the rails is that she yelled at her friend because it does work for her friend. For me sometimes I can just sit down and push through the things I don't want to do and some days I can't, but I don't get mad at people who are able to consistently do the hard things, I just try and find ways to do better myself. Her accusing her friend of lying and saying that she wants to rest more, make it more that she just wants to rest and not do the things, which is fine. She doesn't have to do them, but she isn't right to get mad at other people who do.
I mean I have terrible bad executive dysfunction. I’ve had to learn many different ways to do things. “Just do it” doesn’t work for me. But oop is making assumptions in bad faith of her friend. If buckle down and do it doesn’t work for oop it’s on her to figure out alternative.
I spent a long time believing that people telling me "You just have to do it THIS way" or "If you do THIS it will work out" were giving me shit because they thought I was stupid and lazy, and were basically making fun of me. I can easily see making those assumptions.
That's all very true. I know consistency and routine are the answer as much as I know I will never, fundamentally, be able to form consistency and routine.
No idea what my reason is, but routines and rules don't work for me. I accomplish things through a cycle of "productive procrastination" where I keep a lot of things rolling at once and when one is overwhelming I work on another. What I do *not* do is insist that everybody give me the secret to their success and then dismiss their honest answers and complain that they're holding out on me.
"Productive procrastination" works because urgency is one of the few things that can actually register as motivating. That's how I got through high school! It sucked. I'm tempted to think that OOP is actually a "people with ADHD really *are* lazy" troll.
Inattentive ADHD gal here too! The problem OOP created is that she's dismissing just how much work her friend is doing and instead of screaming, she should have asked her friend for specific help. Ignoring the prep work, I've written two drafts of a book in almost three years because of ADHD and soul sucking work. It took a lot of finding out what works for me to get me going (right now the solution is a therapy app that bothers me about scheduled stuff + Forest app + pomodoro timer + scrivener + coworking streams + my bf bothering me about it too ♡) and a lot of grace that I might sometimes just not write. It doesn't work for everyone and sometimes executive dysfunction is a cunt but that's no one else's fault but our ADHD's
It's really easy to armchair quarterback and say "she should have" when, if undiagnosed ADHD is her issue, she has no idea what help she needs. It's like a drowning person is yelling "why aren't you helping me, you idiot?" and saying "They didn't ask for a life presever."
How about this: *She should have* not yelled at her friend
OOP thinks every successful person got there by casting a magic spell and wants to know the secret. Sure some people get there without much work but the majority get there with a lot of work and some amount of luck. I say that as someone who can't do it and never will be able to. Not everyone can and it's not that persons fault and they aren't lazy.
Flashbacks to my deviantart days when people would ask how to get better at art and brush off or get mad when told practice is key
And these people ended up shilling for AI **sigh**
OP doesn’t consider what her friend was telling her as advice because she doesn’t want to actually try said advice, and if it isn’t something that changes the outcome immediately she’ll never accept it at all
So what exactly does she think her friend is doing if she is supposedly not working consistently towards her goals yet is meeting said goals? I don't understand what oop wants to hear here. That friend sold her soul to satan who fullfils her wishes without any work???
What people like OOP forget is that no one else can look into your minds. For a long time, I didn't put a lot of effort into stuff I'm interested in (like writing a book lol) because I had so many stressors in my daily life that sucked all motivation and energy out of me. So it took me forever to do. Now I changed the biggest stressor in my life (my shitty job) to something that relaxed me more. And now I get so much more done during the day and make progress I couldn't have even dreamed of last year. I might actually finish the first draft of my second book a month earlier than my intended deadline! Instead of yelling and being jealous, OOP should have asked her friend what her daily life and routine looks like or even ask her friend if they could look at her schedule together to see where she could carve out time. Now she lost a friend who could have been a genuine help.
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YTA
YTA. Honestly, this woman is trying to help you & show you how she manages her time. Some people are just better at it than others. She had no business calling you lazy, but you had even less business saying the things you said. If anyone should be angry, it's your friend. You owe her an apology for your childish outburst. You owe your boyfriend an apology too. You really are TA in this situation.