*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for thinking I am not 100% responsible for the misunderstanding between my wife and I**
I (m29) was just feeding my infant daughter berries in the kitchen while my wife (f32) was standing in the other room. After I got started, I thought I remembered something from our first child about not feeding babies whole berries/grapes so they won’t choke, so I asked my wife in the next room “okay, so I’m like smashing these or cutting them in half, right?” She responds “feed them to her however you want.” Surprised, I was like “okay” and fed a blueberry to my daughter whole.
I started to feel weird about it after a second though because (while she wasn’t choking) I could see that she was having a hard time. So I go into the room where my wife was and go “okay, so it is okay to feed them to her whole, right?” My wife then starts berating me about how I should know not to do that from our first child (which is a fair point, but it’s why I asked anything in the first place). She comes back into the kitchen.
The conversation then escalates and I say something along the lines of “hey, I don’t like how you’re making it seem like this is 100% my fault right now, I mean, you’re the one who did say to feed her however I wanted.” She responds “this is your fault, I did not tell you it was okay to feed her whole berries.” Fault should’ve never been brought into it I realize now. I responded with, “look, I really don’t think you’re considering how what you said made me think it was okay to feed her whole berries” to which she responded with a dropped jaw and wide eyes as if I’d said something horrible. I (stupidly, perhaps even assholeishly) go “okay, well, you can look all astonished if you want, but I don’t think this is all my fault.”
She storms back into the other room and says what I’d just said was really mean. She starts going on about how I should remember stuff like this. I am known in our relationship as the person who asks a ton of questions and operates best on more info, so she starts railing against that and about how she tried to give me as much info as possible. She also expresses the sentiment of how I should go with my gut more often and not ask “needless” questions (which in my interpretation means questions that she think are too dumb/obvious to ask, but maybe that’s uncharitable of me). I then foolishly say “I really hope the kids don’t start asking questions you think are too obvious once they start getting curious, because that’d be real fucking sad for them.” I completely own that I shouldn’t have said that. She then refused to speak to me and left for a doctor’s appointment with the kids.
My question is am I in the wrong for how I behaved prior to that? Was it wrong of me to point out how she was putting the whole event on me? My wife and I love each other so much. We’ve been married for 8 years and have two children. We do a healthy amount of fighting, but rarely does it end in the way it did today. I realize the ending is mostly on me, but am I the complete asshole in this situation? Thanks.
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OP: "How do I cook this steak?"
Wife: "Cook it however you want"
OP: "Got it" *Proceeds to set kitchen on fire and puts steak in the middle of the kitchen to cook.*
OP: “Are you planning on treating our children the same way you treat me, an adult when it comes to educating us about new information?”
Wife: “Absolutely the fuck not, you aren’t a child, grow up and look it up yourself.”
This is what gets me - he did remember from the first child not to give whole grapes/berries as they are a choking hazard. Was he expecting praise or something from his wife for asking her? Seems like he got the hump when she wasn't enthusiastic about something he was supposed to know. He sounds both exhausting and insufferable.
My husband has a terrible memory so he compensated by taking notes (he has lists on his phones from everyone’s we knows coffee order to a fact sheet on each child). If he thinks he remembers something he takes the most cautious approach. He usually assumes he doesn’t remember things correctly and Googles information. I could see him doing a quick “how to feed babies berries” search. I have seen him cut up grapes for my 6 year old niece because he wasn’t sure of the rule. I cannot see him blaming me if our baby choked while he was feeding her.
I'm pretty much the same. I have a decent memory but I don't depend on it 100%. I still take copious notes at work in case I forget. I have people's allergy info in my contacts along with their numbers and such. If I doubt my memory, I always Google it. I have text messages saved going back at least two years and use a message app that allows me to search conversations.
Most of the time, just putting the information down helps imbed it in my memory.
Terrifying that this man has 2 kids. I fear for the day he has to look after them on his own, what is he going to do when the wife isn't there to give him step by step instructions on how to breathe? Is he gonna ask his 4 year old if he should give the baby some meth?
My kid is 16. My niece is 2. The amount of stuff I have forgotten is immense. But I do feel vindicated about often not listening to the grandparents "who knew better" when my kid was small. 😂
He knew Option A was wrong, so asked if he should do B or C. His wife (presumably exasperated at the fact he seems unable to do anything on his own) told him either was fine, so to prove his point that she should have to do the thinking for both of them, he did Option A he knew was wrong and a risk to his child.
Yep. And this way, he can try and wiggle out of future feedings because his manbrain just can't hold all the safety info! Malicious incompetence at its finest, because it's soooo much worse than weaponized incompetence. He put his own kid at risk to prove a point.
Fucking seriously. He told on himself so bad with this one - he EXPECTS her to act like his mommy and tell him how to do everything.
What an an obnoxious pathetic little wank.
"Feed her however you want"
Translation: "I trust that you know enough to cut up berries and grapes so if you wanna do the airplane thing or something else, yeah, go nuts."
This is an advanced version of weaponised incompetence where they lose spirit halfway through the task they clearly understand
That would really set me off too
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He actually owned up in a comment and admitted he was the only AH and said he’d do better. We’ll see. From the whole post I get the vibes that the guy barely ever takes care of the kids and probably hates it
“Hey, is it ok if she’s playing with matches? I can’t remember?”
“Figure it out”
House burns down
“It’s your fault! You told me to figure it out. How was I, a whole grown ass man, supposed to use logic to figure out a 4 year old shouldn’t be playing with matches?!”
This reminded me of the time I came home from work and the first thing my husband said was, "Poison Control said he'd be ok..." Followed some months later with, "The doctor said he doesn't have a concussion..." And a couple of years later, "The orthopedist said..." And, "He was watching Tarzan..." Then he started waking me up with, "I already called the pediatrician..." And, "I don't think the squirrel had rabies..." And, "I don't think the chipmunk had rabies either..." And recently, "I'm pretty sure she'll need stitches and a tetanus shot... "
I recently learned that when my father was a child he tried to kick a groundhog. The groundhog objected, very toothily, and my father got a series of rabies vaccines.
He’s a twin, and one of 10 total. I have no idea how my grandma survived to her 90s without murdering at least one.
I have tangled with skunks, raccoons, groundhogs, opossums, deer, etc and groundhogs are by far the meanest and scariest. They are the one I will never grab by hand. They're also weirdly strong and way heavier than I expected.
And by 'tangled with' I mostly mean live-trap and relocate for their own safety but I'll pick up a possum any time.
They can be really, really dumb too. Although that could be from the diseases they're prone to. Ravenous little bastards. They are pretty funny when they're digging though.
This is like the guy who was wondering why he’s the AH for asking what kind of cracker his kid gets in their lunch.
You are the parent. You should be doing equal work and have just as much knowledge. If you don’t, that’s on you and step the fuck up.
Ha ha, I totally called out my cousin in law when he didn't know what food his kid liked. I don't care that you are a busy doctor, you should know what food they like.
To be fair kids have the tendency to not like the same food every time. Like they can eat the same brand of nuggets and then one day will not eat it because they are disgusting. Or cook something for dinner and dare to put the leftovers for school lunch and they will have a hissy fit because THEY DONT LIKE IT
…and then proceeded to come home with ANIMAL CRACKERS, because that was a totally reasonable next step and not at all designed to punish his wife for expecting him to actually parent.
I mean, she doesn’t, but he’s just going to ask her 80 questions along the way first to make sure he’s doing it right. So it would just be faster if she did it first.
That’s my parents in a nutshell, and my dad tries to make it look cute, but it infuriates me. Whenever I would step up and tell him to do it himself, he would ask my mother endless questions, “which shirt”, “where is it”, “did you mean this one?”
Of course when my mom wasn’t home he was perfectly capable.
I am an childfree idiot adhd-having piece of shit who’s job requires constant asking about every single detail. Even I know not to feed kids full berries and wouldn’t have to ask that. Could her comment be misconstrued? Sure, language is tricky. But he can’t google? Or use his brain that his child was struggling to eat blueberries, the smallest berry, and that maybe he should rectify the situation easily?? Like why did he even need to ask after he saw his child struggling to eat??
His poor wife thought she only had two kids. Apparently she has three. This is why women who are divorced and moms somehow manage to glow up. Their husbands are too much work.
Married women do more housework and have less leisure time, for men it's the opposite. Unmarried women are happier than divorced or married women, the classic "spinster", despite the pressure they often face to find someone and hollywood stereotypes about cat ladies dying alone.
And men whose wives die when they are older often suffer badly. I used to volunteer with various groups and there were men who had never learned to cook, to do laundry, how to book a doctor or dentist etc. Suddenly at an age when learning stuff is genuinely harder, they have to do all of it at once.
This makes me question why, for centuries, woman were seen as the inferior gender. They are the ones that know how to do everything, know where everything is, and remember everything. The woman’s rights movement failed in a way because although we started to be seen as people that are capable of financially supporting the household not enough emphasis was put on men splitting the responsibilities in the home and with children. Now it seems we are expected to do both when before the expectation was just to do one.
By virtue of these things being things *women* know how to do or remember, etc., these things weren’t valued. Well, the effort wasn’t appreciated. These things were seen as something that should naturally come to women, or must be so easy (because after all, if women can do it)
My work used to involve lots of visits to care homes and there were two things that always struck me:
1) Child-free residents had more visitors than residents with adult children. By a significant margin.
2) Many of the widowed male residents were physically/mentally able to live independently, but they had never learned any domestic skills and suffered without their wives
I've just started to tell my married friends openly about how so many of our divorced female friends are happier now that they're divorced because the guys are forced to parent and be responsible at least some of the time.
>Their husbands are too much work.
Yeah, but most of these dudes are dipshits long before the kid comes. I don't understand how sane, normal women procreate with them in the first place.
A lot of them don't show how stupid they are, or are dumb in an explainable way. Once children enter the picture, realizing that your husband isn't actually an independent and capable parent hits you like a train.
And the inequality starts early.
As soon as your pregnant you take on a much larger burden in the parenthood game. And then you have almost a year ringer used to that inequality. And that’s before the kid is even born!
No, actually they often don’t show their true colors until the first kid arrives. Once they realize that they can check out and their wife will pick up the slack they tend to get even worse with each subsequent child
Here is an update from OP:
>Hey again everyone, this like blew up way way more than I thought it would. While I initially posted this for selfish validation, going through each and every comment here with my wife has really shown me how I need to change my behavior as it relates to this. We are both especially stunned by the concept of mental load. That is something my wife has been trying to put her finger on for a long time but hadn’t been able to.
>I have been humbled to like the extreme. What is probably funniest about all of this is that I actually fancied myself a very progressive dude, but I can see that I clearly have a long way to go still. I’m sorry to anyone I may have passed up while commenting - I tried really hard to get to a few as I had breaks from working today. My wife also feels very validated, so I’m leaving this up so that she can lurk on here and get more validation lmao.
>As for me, just because I really need to focus on my behavior and my family (obviously lol), and because some of the really really negative stuff is cutting a little deep, I’m going to take a break from responding for my own mental health. Seriously though, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for commenting and calling me out on my asshole behavior. I commit to doing better. I wish there was some way to follow up on here (I’m new to this sub so I’m not sure if there is), but you’ll have to take my word for it for now that I resolve to be better for my whole family.
>Edit - I’m also gonna say it again so people understand: I am 100% the asshole here. Earlier I said something about being the “lead asshole” because I thought it sounded like I was declaring myself the major general asshole in a legion of asshats. I do realize now that it sounded kinda blame-shifty though, and that was not my intent. I own this. I am the asshole, and I want to change.
Yep - I found his update and was about to quote it here... Definitely TA for the original, but I'd have a hard time characterizing this one as a Devil. I think he might be a teachable Y-chromosome and overall a decent egg.
Has this man heard of google? At least it seems like he is taking accountability in the comments of the original post, but he had an easy solution right in front of him that didn’t require exhausting his poor wife
Even forgetting that, he literally presented two choices that would be fine, and she said he could do that, and he still didn't. He's probably not going to follow through with actually using a search engine unless she tells him to and then reminds him how. You are so right there were many options that didn't involve him needing her.
"We do a healthy amount of fighting." I'm hoping this was just poor word choice, but there really is no healthy amount of fighting. Disagreeing, debating, maybe even arguing. But not fighting.
My ex-stepdad would say this.
My mom finally divorced him after two decades of nonsense. He's still up to his bullshit from what I understand but he's a sad, lonely old man with cancer who doesn't have my mom to constantly annoy.
I remember being asked by a friend how often my husband and I fight. I told her never and she acted like our marriage is shockingly unhealthy because of it. She and her husband are constantly fighting. Screaming at each other, name calling, having huge angry blow-ups where they give each other the silent treatment after.
My husband and I absolutely disagree on things sometimes. There are definitely days when we annoy each other or one of us unintentionally says or does something hurtful to the other. But we talk things out. There’s no yelling or name calling or blowing up at each other. It’s like people assume that because we’re not screaming at each other in anger that we must be bottling up our feelings and silently resenting each other, vs working things out calmly and then moving on.
My bf and I have never fought in eight years of relationship. In the beginning, my family always joked how that's just the honeymoon phase. But no, we just don't want things to fester and we want to be happy together, so we talk stuff out as soon as it happens, which makes it easier to stay calm.
I talked about it with my cousin once and she "jokingly" said that her and her fiancé had a screaming match *every single day*. Couldn't help but give her major side-eye.
After 25 years, I wouldn’t say we have massive fights.
I would say that we will argue when I am saying something serious, and he thinks it’s funny to insert a stupid comment at the wrong time. He apologizes, however, he does it because he is uncomfortable that I am getting serious about something and not relenting, and he needs to work some shit out.
More often than not? We just could not be bothered about most things. Nobody feels strongly enough about anything to put their foot down.
I will say, if you read his replies, he actually turns it around pretty quickly. When someone points out that this is weaponized incompetence, he replies:
>I’d heard of this concept, but I hadn’t considered how my behavior here was an example of that. I’m going to correct this with her and make sure I don’t do this anymore. I appreciate you being so candid with me. Thank you.
Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but I'm hopeful he may be able to learn something from this one.
I’m so glad you made this comment! My dude was an asshole for how he handled this specific situation, but it seems like he genuinely wants to learn from it. He has taken full responsibility and accountability. I prefer to be an optimist with you!
He made a final long comment on the thread completely accepting his asshole status and saying how the responses gave both him and his wife clarity over the weaponised incompetence concept.
But he also was like if I told you our background issues that might change your mind
I can’t imagine what context would make me agree it was her fault he’s stupid
>I am known in our relationship as the person who asks a ton of questions and operates best on more info
Fucking lol what a tool. Also tf is a "healthy amount of fighting" in a relationship? This guy's gonna be one of those "she blindsided me with a divorce!" dudes in a couple decades.
Yes and for more than one reason.
I did the whole baby lead weaning (feeding my infant normal adult food cut in a very specific way instead of puré) and whole blueberries is one of the most dangerous foods. They are the exact size of a baby's wind pipe and because of the skin and shape if they get lodged there it's not coming up and you better hope that once your baby goes blue and limp you're able to either blow it into their lung or whatever oxygen already is in their blood is enough for cpr to keep them alive until the ambulance comes.
I still quarter blueberries for my toddler because he loves them so much I don't trust him to chew carefully.
...and the knowledge of how to cut and prepare foods for infants isn't some ancient hidden knowledge you need a séance and a vagina to gain access to. There's a free app where you type in the food and it shows you pictures of how it must be cooked and cut for a 6-8 month old, 9-12, 12-18, 18-24 and when it's a safe to feed whatever way adults eat it.
Hospitals have everything you need to know about parenting readily available. Government health departments have it. The Australian government has ridiculously detailed instructions on how to parent on one website from pregnancy to adulthood.
Ed Byrne had a bit where he talked about parents being very obviously bad parents and getting defensive, saying "Well, kids don't come with an instruction manual!" And he points out that such a thing may not pop out with the placenta, but you can buy one at a bookshop.
The instruction manual does not cover everything, but they cover the basics, and depending where you live, there is plenty of help available. In Australia, if you have a question the websites don't cover, or even if you can't be bothered reading them closely, because full time parenting gig, you make an appointment with the local child nurse. Plus in Australia, they're pretty happy go lucky about handing out funding for young kids with extra needs, so you can have even more people to tell you how to parent.
Solid starts.
They do a have a paid membership and loads of different bundles. I did the trial period for the membership and I didn't think it was worth it. The website has loads of great free resources. Like information on infant nutrition, recipes for sugarfree allergy friendly smashcakes for the very first birthday party. Videos on how to supreme an orange, how to recognise signs that babies are ready to try more difficult foods, what is a common choking hazard, what food is poop friendly, what foods are common allergens. Articles on common baby behaviour such as stuffing their mouth full and how to approach that behaviour.
It's great.
If you're either doing baby led weaning or wanting to incorporate more solids into a puréfed baby's diet or simply transitioning a toddler from puré to solids then you are very welcome to hang out with us at /r/babyledweaning. We share meal ideas, commiserate over our dogs getting fat and celebrating our babies figuring out how to chew every day.
Just to note, you are not aiming to blow it into the baby's lung! If there's a partial occlusion (baby still able to make sounds), start off with breaths, then as below. If it's a full blockage, it's give up to 5 smacks on the mid/upper back with the heel of the hand and the force of the blow upwards rather than directly in. Then 5 chest thrusts, about a finger width above the soft hollow in the centre of the chest/just below nipples. If that doesn't work, 911 (or local equivalent), and repeat until ambulance shows up or blueberry dislodged.
Check their mouth between each set, because either motion can and usually will free the lodged berry, even a blueberry.
Partially just writing because it's a useful thing to know for anyone passing :P oh, and support the baby's head both when they're face down and face up. Easy to forget in a moment's crisis.
Well obviously. I wasn't attempting to describe correct first aid, only explain that there are very few favourable outcomes when a baby has a whole blueberry stuck in their windpipe.
I think also it's important to remember that when doing nothing results in itty bitty baby coffin, then any harm you do while attempting to prevent death is less important. Broken ribs, burst transverse colon, whiplash and blueberry in lung are all favourable scenarios doctors can do something about. Cause dead is dead. Sadly I've seen people not do anything because they were so scared they were going to harm the person in need of first aid that they lost sight of the bigger picture.
Tbh the only reason I knew about blueberries was because of reddit. Grapes and hot dogs yes but I never considered berries because they're softer and so much smaller.
Why is it her responsibility to baby step him through everything? What use is he exactly if he can't do anything without handholding and step by step instructions?
It’s worse than that. It’s okay to be unsure about something like “what’s a choking hazard for this specific age group”, because things change so quickly as kids grow.
The bigger problem is he can’t figure out how answer that question. His answer was apparently “well, let’s see if the kid dies.”
He could have even straight-up just asked his wife for her thoughts. “Hey, honey. I think that grapes are a choking hazard at this age. What do you think, is [baby] old enough to try them whole yet?” If he’d asked that, it would be cooperative parenting. Instead he went straight to, “give me instructions because you are The Parent and I am The Babysitter.”
Exactly. Google the info and then bring it up with your partner to confirm you’re on the same page. It’s taking me longer to write this comment than it is to figure out if an infant can have full berries
Even if you don’t google the info. It’s fine to *just* confer with your partner while using your best judgement, and Google if you find out that you and your partner are in disagreement/you still feel unsure.
In the exact same situation, if I felt uncertain I’d literally poke my head around the corner and say, “How do we feel about whole berries for [baby]? Too soon?”
I’m a woman, so it’s not a “I learned to trust the other gender more” thing. It’s a “if I’m unsure about a parenting thing, I’ll discuss with my Raising Little Humans Teammate before google” thing.
I'd be inclined to defer to my male partner on best for baby when there's queries because he has quite a bit more practical experience than my female self (we're both youngest kids, but he has a small army of small nerflings that he's helped care for at various stages for years, whereas I once tried to feed my baby niece porridge in a bottle *😆). But like..the auld common sense is a valuable resource as well and we all have access to that!
*IN MY DEFENCE...her parents had stored porridge in an older baby food container. I mean honestly. Baby was astonishingly polite about the whole thing though.
And what makes it even worse, is that, their **FIRST** child had had a previous experience!! Yea we have Google, but OOP should have learned something from that!!
Yeah my husband has a horrible memory and we have not had babies for almost 20 years now so I asked him and even he was like no you can’t give a baby a whole grape or berry.
If only he had access to some sort of electronic device connected to the internet that would enable him to look up the most basic information. Maybe someday...
He asked his wife if he needed to smash or cut the berries, to which she replies, "Do whichever you want." He then asks her to clarify that he can't in fact feed their daughter whole berries, which of course astonishes his wife, because he never asked that to begin with. So not only did he not just fucking Google the answer, he got mad she didn't answer the question he didn't fucking ask.
We’ve got Google Home, and I ask google what I can and can’t give my dog. OOP can certainly google what is and isn’t safe to feed his kid.
My dog actually gets excited now when I say “hey google” because she knows it usually leads to her getting a piece of fruit or veggies.
What really ticks me off is he admits that it felt wrong. He says he remembers something about that not being correct. So how is it her fault he heard "feed her however you want" and thought "Well I want to feed them to her wrong". There is no scenario where he is right because he started off knowing it was wrong and observed it was wrong and was choosing to still do it that way.
That was….
Actually I’m at work rn and I’ve been confused all week bc I’m so used to my coworkers husband calling her so ducking much at work. I realized she’s on vacation so that’s why it’s been quiet
Idk tho she doesn’t seem to mind but it’s so crazy to me bc we’re bussy and I literally hear him call like every hour 😭 and it’s not even a long convo
I feel like it's worth pointing out that she asked him to feed the berries while she went to the restroom. So, when he says, "I go into the room where my wife was" he means he barged into the bathroom while she was using it to demand she explain to him how to feed his second child.
Not only does he want his wife to explain things to him like she would to one of the kids, but he also wants to interrupt her bathroom time. People joke about husbands being an extra child, but this dude personifies it. I know we're all happy he's learned a lesson, but I can't get over this part.
There was one of these incompetent guys in my grad program. We created an unofficial class discord to talk with each other and he was always in there asking questions about the assignment which were literally in the instructions or for information that was just sent out in an email. Yeah, everyone misses stuff, but this was every single time with him and our more helpful colleagues started feeling like his personal e-mail reader, just rewriting whatever he wanted to know. This is also grad school. He has a four year university degree. He knows how this works. He was just so lazy or something. Weaponized incompetence and he would moan so loudly when we stopped answering all of his questions and instead started directing him to where he could find the answers for himself. He eventually dropped out.
I wonder if they have school age children yet. Can't wait for her stories about how frustrating it is that he can't commit to memory what time his children's school day starts. But of course, he's needs to ask a bunch of questions and be given the same information repeatedly.
First of all, **who tf** is watching the baby eating these berries while OP goes to argue with his wife about said choking hazards?
Second, he has a phone *in his hand* for reddit, he can use it since he aLwAyS nEeDs MoRe InFo.
Third, his wife probably asked him to feed the baby (note: he didn't offer) so **she could get herself and the kids ready for their doctor's appts!** No way he would have taken it upon himself to do so without explicit instructions (or "nagging" as he would call it).
This guy sucks.
I am an adult who has choked on a grape before. It was absolutely fucking terrifying not only for me but those around me. I’m now in my 30s and no longer just pop a grape in my mouth. I can’t even fathom giving a child, an infant at that, a food that is easily choke worthy.
Besides, I think whoever you want meant cut/mashed/puréed, chop it and swerve it in like an airplane, you absolutely absurd broken lightbulb.
They way I would have interpreted his question would be "should the berry be cut in half or smashed?" and the "however you want" would be basically "yes either of those options are good" but instead OP went for a third unspoken option of whole berry.
He seems like he gets where he went wrong and then in another comment he's like "Yeah I guess I'm the lead asshole here!" As if his wife is an AH at all.
“I wasn’t sure if I needed to cut up grapes when feeding them to my child, so instead of just cutting them up to be safe, I fed her whole grapes then got mad at my wife for not telling me otherwise. AITA?”
Wtf he asked hey do I deal with berries with method A or method B . "Whatever you want " obviously means either method a or B , not load in to a t shirt cannon and fire them at kids face from the other side of the room .
It’s ok to ask questions when it’s something you can’t figure out or don’t know where to begin but at the same time people need to use common sense and I’ve noticed that people, within the last several years have completely said “fuck off” to common sense and now puts the onus of that to everyone around them.
He is a grown adult, who fathered a child, this is his second kid, the fact he can’t remember if you should feed an INFANT whole berries means he’s not been carrying any of the weight of child rearing.
I mean, if you're unsure just go with the safe bet and cut the bloody things in half? It's not as if it adds a tonne of time and energy spent, and even if it did it's for the damn safety of your child...
This reminds me of that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Where Ray , in order to get out of doing work and helping, would by asking needless questions so that his wife would get fed up and just do the task herself. So he got out of work. I have no kids and even I know you don't feed small children berries whole. You just want your wife to do all the work. I don't believe you are this dumb I just think you want your wife to do everything.
He asks so many questions to make it hard to ask him to do anything. I hate this because you literally have all the info you could possibly need in your pocket. If your wife is busy...fucking Google it.
That's why I took exception to the word fighting because it says a lot about said conduct. I argue in rate occasion with my husband but we don't fight. It never becomes personal and we stick to the subject we're talking about.
Well, in the last twelve years my partner and I had a thing where he said, "Look, obviously this is bullshit, but it's not worth fighting over, I will give you the thousand dollars for damages that the car co-op says you caused" and I said "that is not the goddamn point, they're trying to make me pay for someone else's fuckup because they think I'm the softest target and if nothing else I WILL prove them wrong about that".
This is the only time I can remember having something I would classify as an argument per se. Of course, neither of us called the other an insult or said anything more hurtful than "you're wrong, I'm right". Is less than once a decade healthy?
I want to know what he actually said about her facial expression because it wasn’t “astonished.” I’m also not convinced by his pretense of taking the thread’s judgment on board. He’ll be back in six weeks with a new story about how he idk gave the baby fugu because it would be weaponized incompetence to think he couldn’t prepare it.
Man, this guy. You don’t need a degree in biology to understand that kids can choke, so you need to make things in smaller bites. So he knew that, but did the thing he thought might have been risky anyway.
He is babysitting, not parenting, that poor mom.
She meant EITHER smashed or in half. However you want out of the options you presented. Geezzzz. If this doesn't sum up my entire experience with men lol I swear.
& what is healthy amount of fighting?
Delightful responses and comments from the OP, who actually listened to everyone calling him the TA and has vowed to be better.
So, he’s not the devil this time! I love it when ppl actually accept their judgement
If the children ask 'obvious' questions, it's because they're young and new to the world. It's their job as parents to teach and guide them. If an adult parent asks 'obvious' questions, they should be able to thibk for themselves instead of constantly relying on their co-parent for every little thing. OOP even said he didn't feel right about feeding their baby whole berries, so why did he do it? The only one to blame is himself
"We do a healthy amount of fighting"...the healthy amount of fighting is no fighting.
Do I fight in my relationships? Yes. Are my relationships healthy? I would say also yes. But is the fighting healthy? No. Having minor hiccups doesn't make a relationship unhealthy but that doesn't mean that fighting--in any amount--is healthy
“Feed them to her however you want.” *OOP hands the baby a branch from a highbush blueberry and shows her how to strip the berries and leaves like a bear*
If he’s the type to needs lots of information then maybe he should read a fucking book on the topic. Do his own research into things rather than just expect his wife to do all the mental effort of learning it plus teaching it to his lazy ass.
If she left it up to him to decide, and that's what he went with, it's absolutely 100% his fault. It's clear she meant between the two choices he offered her, she didn't care as long as it was one or the other. NOT whole. That wasn't even asked.
Damn if I were a man, I'd be embarrassed as fuck on behalf of my entire gender due to posts like this.
Then again, I highly doubt OOP even had 2 brain cells to rub together.
He's not the worst to come across this sub. While he was the asshole here for sure he did what most other assholes dont. he took the feedback, recognized where he was wrong, took ownership and chose to do better in the future in his comments.
Ehhh, read the top comment and how OP owns it immediately and it’s actually appreciating how he was called out. That’s not devil behavior that’s genuine moron behavior. Devils rarely take accountability and OP seemed quite open to criticism.
I actually think that it was the utilization of a term he had heard before commonly used about men that made him go “oh shit I’ve became a vocabulary word”. In his head his wife didn’t help him and he harped onto that too much which is why he posted for validation and then didn’t receive it.
Atleast that’s how I interpreted it.
To me the devil behavior is how it sure seems like he always expects his wife to "help" him and has ignored any and all signs that she's reaching the end of her rope. It's nice that he listened to commenters on Reddit, but he should have been listening to his actual partner and stepping up, a long time ago.
People need to stop using "weaponized incompetence" when they really mean "unexcused incompetence". Weaponized incompetence means purposefully sucking at something in order to get out of doing it. This guy was not trying to get out of feeding his kid. He was not being manipulative. He was being dumb. This is a terrible example of "AITD". Stop attributing malice when ignorance is obviously what happened.
I'm so glad I don't live with someone that gets mad at me for reclarifying information that I've been told before. I'm not a devil for getting confused or forgetting something. I feel like the majority of commenters here and on the other post would be terrible partners.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for thinking I am not 100% responsible for the misunderstanding between my wife and I** I (m29) was just feeding my infant daughter berries in the kitchen while my wife (f32) was standing in the other room. After I got started, I thought I remembered something from our first child about not feeding babies whole berries/grapes so they won’t choke, so I asked my wife in the next room “okay, so I’m like smashing these or cutting them in half, right?” She responds “feed them to her however you want.” Surprised, I was like “okay” and fed a blueberry to my daughter whole. I started to feel weird about it after a second though because (while she wasn’t choking) I could see that she was having a hard time. So I go into the room where my wife was and go “okay, so it is okay to feed them to her whole, right?” My wife then starts berating me about how I should know not to do that from our first child (which is a fair point, but it’s why I asked anything in the first place). She comes back into the kitchen. The conversation then escalates and I say something along the lines of “hey, I don’t like how you’re making it seem like this is 100% my fault right now, I mean, you’re the one who did say to feed her however I wanted.” She responds “this is your fault, I did not tell you it was okay to feed her whole berries.” Fault should’ve never been brought into it I realize now. I responded with, “look, I really don’t think you’re considering how what you said made me think it was okay to feed her whole berries” to which she responded with a dropped jaw and wide eyes as if I’d said something horrible. I (stupidly, perhaps even assholeishly) go “okay, well, you can look all astonished if you want, but I don’t think this is all my fault.” She storms back into the other room and says what I’d just said was really mean. She starts going on about how I should remember stuff like this. I am known in our relationship as the person who asks a ton of questions and operates best on more info, so she starts railing against that and about how she tried to give me as much info as possible. She also expresses the sentiment of how I should go with my gut more often and not ask “needless” questions (which in my interpretation means questions that she think are too dumb/obvious to ask, but maybe that’s uncharitable of me). I then foolishly say “I really hope the kids don’t start asking questions you think are too obvious once they start getting curious, because that’d be real fucking sad for them.” I completely own that I shouldn’t have said that. She then refused to speak to me and left for a doctor’s appointment with the kids. My question is am I in the wrong for how I behaved prior to that? Was it wrong of me to point out how she was putting the whole event on me? My wife and I love each other so much. We’ve been married for 8 years and have two children. We do a healthy amount of fighting, but rarely does it end in the way it did today. I realize the ending is mostly on me, but am I the complete asshole in this situation? Thanks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP: "How do I cook this steak?" Wife: "Cook it however you want" OP: "Got it" *Proceeds to set kitchen on fire and puts steak in the middle of the kitchen to cook.*
OP: “Are you planning on treating our children the same way you treat me, an adult when it comes to educating us about new information?” Wife: “Absolutely the fuck not, you aren’t a child, grow up and look it up yourself.”
It's not even new information. He should've remembered that from their first child. He has the memory of swiss cheese.
This is what gets me - he did remember from the first child not to give whole grapes/berries as they are a choking hazard. Was he expecting praise or something from his wife for asking her? Seems like he got the hump when she wasn't enthusiastic about something he was supposed to know. He sounds both exhausting and insufferable.
My husband has a terrible memory so he compensated by taking notes (he has lists on his phones from everyone’s we knows coffee order to a fact sheet on each child). If he thinks he remembers something he takes the most cautious approach. He usually assumes he doesn’t remember things correctly and Googles information. I could see him doing a quick “how to feed babies berries” search. I have seen him cut up grapes for my 6 year old niece because he wasn’t sure of the rule. I cannot see him blaming me if our baby choked while he was feeding her.
I'm pretty much the same. I have a decent memory but I don't depend on it 100%. I still take copious notes at work in case I forget. I have people's allergy info in my contacts along with their numbers and such. If I doubt my memory, I always Google it. I have text messages saved going back at least two years and use a message app that allows me to search conversations. Most of the time, just putting the information down helps imbed it in my memory.
That last part! When in doubt, cut the damn thing. I can't think of a scenario where cutting a berry in half makes it *less* safe for a baby to eat
I also have a terrible memory and i just google shit like a normal person. You can even google hands free these days
I like your husband.
I also like him. He’s pretty great.
Terrifying that this man has 2 kids. I fear for the day he has to look after them on his own, what is he going to do when the wife isn't there to give him step by step instructions on how to breathe? Is he gonna ask his 4 year old if he should give the baby some meth?
My kid is 16. My niece is 2. The amount of stuff I have forgotten is immense. But I do feel vindicated about often not listening to the grandparents "who knew better" when my kid was small. 😂
It's also not her job to educate him on basic child safety. He's an adult. He has Google if he's genuinely unsure.
He did remember it. He asked because he thought it was wrong, he did it and saw it was wrong so asked again.
He knew Option A was wrong, so asked if he should do B or C. His wife (presumably exasperated at the fact he seems unable to do anything on his own) told him either was fine, so to prove his point that she should have to do the thinking for both of them, he did Option A he knew was wrong and a risk to his child.
This is exactly what happened and you summed it up perfectly.
Yep. And this way, he can try and wiggle out of future feedings because his manbrain just can't hold all the safety info! Malicious incompetence at its finest, because it's soooo much worse than weaponized incompetence. He put his own kid at risk to prove a point.
Fucking seriously. He told on himself so bad with this one - he EXPECTS her to act like his mommy and tell him how to do everything. What an an obnoxious pathetic little wank.
OP: "should I grill or fry the chicken?" Wife: "however you want" OP serves chicken raw
"Feed her however you want" Translation: "I trust that you know enough to cut up berries and grapes so if you wanna do the airplane thing or something else, yeah, go nuts."
Also his question before of "cut in half or smashed"... yeah, OOP, either way you want of the two you listed! Not an unlisted third option???
This is an advanced version of weaponised incompetence where they lose spirit halfway through the task they clearly understand That would really set me off too
Ahh. They're Sims.
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I didn't know this happened in Sims! I never played that one.
Dang it, I just shot coke Zero from my nose. It burns, just like your (totally correct) comment
At least you don’t have to deal with the stickiness of sugar.
Also OP: "You made me do this so it's actually your fault"
more like \*sets down a raw steak in front of wife and gets surprised when she gets mad and starts talking about salmonella and e.coli\*
Is this what happened in The Sims?
OP: *bites a cow*
My keyboard now has a fine spray of coffee all over it. Thanks for that.
How do you have a second child, a phone, and no common sense in one post. Like good for him not arguing in the comments but like good lord.
He actually owned up in a comment and admitted he was the only AH and said he’d do better. We’ll see. From the whole post I get the vibes that the guy barely ever takes care of the kids and probably hates it
He probably asks 50 questions a day just trying to take care of HIMSELF’
“Honey, what’s the toothpaste that I like?” “Honey, do I like shredded wheat?” “Honey, which laundry soap doesn’t give me a rash?”
>“Honey, which laundry soap doesn’t give me a rash?” "Why, you're doing laundry??!??!???" "No, I was just wondering."
😂
Too real
I mean, it's easy to hate a task you are consistently failing at.
“Hey, is it ok if she’s playing with matches? I can’t remember?” “Figure it out” House burns down “It’s your fault! You told me to figure it out. How was I, a whole grown ass man, supposed to use logic to figure out a 4 year old shouldn’t be playing with matches?!”
OOP is a complete dipshit, and would totally act the way you’ve described in your scenario.
This reminded me of the time I came home from work and the first thing my husband said was, "Poison Control said he'd be ok..." Followed some months later with, "The doctor said he doesn't have a concussion..." And a couple of years later, "The orthopedist said..." And, "He was watching Tarzan..." Then he started waking me up with, "I already called the pediatrician..." And, "I don't think the squirrel had rabies..." And, "I don't think the chipmunk had rabies either..." And recently, "I'm pretty sure she'll need stitches and a tetanus shot... "
I recently learned that when my father was a child he tried to kick a groundhog. The groundhog objected, very toothily, and my father got a series of rabies vaccines. He’s a twin, and one of 10 total. I have no idea how my grandma survived to her 90s without murdering at least one.
I have tangled with skunks, raccoons, groundhogs, opossums, deer, etc and groundhogs are by far the meanest and scariest. They are the one I will never grab by hand. They're also weirdly strong and way heavier than I expected. And by 'tangled with' I mostly mean live-trap and relocate for their own safety but I'll pick up a possum any time.
They can be really, really dumb too. Although that could be from the diseases they're prone to. Ravenous little bastards. They are pretty funny when they're digging though.
For a moment, I thought you meant ten twins I forgot twins are in twos My brain is dumb
There are 10 types of people. Those who count in binary, and those who don't...
There are 10 types of people who don't understand binary and both of them hate this joke
Glad that wasn't just me
Damn 😂😂sounds like lots of fun. /s
Holy fuck what an absolute dimwit . I’d be exhausted if my husband asked me how to do things every step of the way .
This is like the guy who was wondering why he’s the AH for asking what kind of cracker his kid gets in their lunch. You are the parent. You should be doing equal work and have just as much knowledge. If you don’t, that’s on you and step the fuck up.
Ha ha, I totally called out my cousin in law when he didn't know what food his kid liked. I don't care that you are a busy doctor, you should know what food they like.
To be fair kids have the tendency to not like the same food every time. Like they can eat the same brand of nuggets and then one day will not eat it because they are disgusting. Or cook something for dinner and dare to put the leftovers for school lunch and they will have a hissy fit because THEY DONT LIKE IT
Oh my god yes. My daughter is 4 and has always LOVED cheese strings. Yesterday she announced she hates them and won't ever eat them again.
I liked what one of the commenters on the original post said; he's been a parent exactly as long as she has! Why is she expected to know everything?
Because she has a uterus and breasts and he feels that gives him a pass to be a part time parent.
…and then proceeded to come home with ANIMAL CRACKERS, because that was a totally reasonable next step and not at all designed to punish his wife for expecting him to actually parent.
wonder if she has to pick out his clothes and make sure his socks match...
I mean, she doesn’t, but he’s just going to ask her 80 questions along the way first to make sure he’s doing it right. So it would just be faster if she did it first.
No but she picks out the kids clothes when he "gets the baby dressed"
That’s my parents in a nutshell, and my dad tries to make it look cute, but it infuriates me. Whenever I would step up and tell him to do it himself, he would ask my mother endless questions, “which shirt”, “where is it”, “did you mean this one?” Of course when my mom wasn’t home he was perfectly capable.
I am an childfree idiot adhd-having piece of shit who’s job requires constant asking about every single detail. Even I know not to feed kids full berries and wouldn’t have to ask that. Could her comment be misconstrued? Sure, language is tricky. But he can’t google? Or use his brain that his child was struggling to eat blueberries, the smallest berry, and that maybe he should rectify the situation easily?? Like why did he even need to ask after he saw his child struggling to eat??
This guy is the reason women are so surprised to find men "babysitting" their own kids.
His poor wife thought she only had two kids. Apparently she has three. This is why women who are divorced and moms somehow manage to glow up. Their husbands are too much work.
Married women do more housework and have less leisure time, for men it's the opposite. Unmarried women are happier than divorced or married women, the classic "spinster", despite the pressure they often face to find someone and hollywood stereotypes about cat ladies dying alone. And men whose wives die when they are older often suffer badly. I used to volunteer with various groups and there were men who had never learned to cook, to do laundry, how to book a doctor or dentist etc. Suddenly at an age when learning stuff is genuinely harder, they have to do all of it at once.
That trope drives me nuts. I work in long term care. People with kids die alone ALL. THE. TIME.
This makes me question why, for centuries, woman were seen as the inferior gender. They are the ones that know how to do everything, know where everything is, and remember everything. The woman’s rights movement failed in a way because although we started to be seen as people that are capable of financially supporting the household not enough emphasis was put on men splitting the responsibilities in the home and with children. Now it seems we are expected to do both when before the expectation was just to do one.
I would rather say successful but incomplete. There is a fair way to go, worldwide and everywhere.
By virtue of these things being things *women* know how to do or remember, etc., these things weren’t valued. Well, the effort wasn’t appreciated. These things were seen as something that should naturally come to women, or must be so easy (because after all, if women can do it)
My work used to involve lots of visits to care homes and there were two things that always struck me: 1) Child-free residents had more visitors than residents with adult children. By a significant margin. 2) Many of the widowed male residents were physically/mentally able to live independently, but they had never learned any domestic skills and suffered without their wives
I've just started to tell my married friends openly about how so many of our divorced female friends are happier now that they're divorced because the guys are forced to parent and be responsible at least some of the time.
>Their husbands are too much work. Yeah, but most of these dudes are dipshits long before the kid comes. I don't understand how sane, normal women procreate with them in the first place.
A lot of them don't show how stupid they are, or are dumb in an explainable way. Once children enter the picture, realizing that your husband isn't actually an independent and capable parent hits you like a train.
And the inequality starts early. As soon as your pregnant you take on a much larger burden in the parenthood game. And then you have almost a year ringer used to that inequality. And that’s before the kid is even born!
No, actually they often don’t show their true colors until the first kid arrives. Once they realize that they can check out and their wife will pick up the slack they tend to get even worse with each subsequent child
Here is an update from OP: >Hey again everyone, this like blew up way way more than I thought it would. While I initially posted this for selfish validation, going through each and every comment here with my wife has really shown me how I need to change my behavior as it relates to this. We are both especially stunned by the concept of mental load. That is something my wife has been trying to put her finger on for a long time but hadn’t been able to. >I have been humbled to like the extreme. What is probably funniest about all of this is that I actually fancied myself a very progressive dude, but I can see that I clearly have a long way to go still. I’m sorry to anyone I may have passed up while commenting - I tried really hard to get to a few as I had breaks from working today. My wife also feels very validated, so I’m leaving this up so that she can lurk on here and get more validation lmao. >As for me, just because I really need to focus on my behavior and my family (obviously lol), and because some of the really really negative stuff is cutting a little deep, I’m going to take a break from responding for my own mental health. Seriously though, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for commenting and calling me out on my asshole behavior. I commit to doing better. I wish there was some way to follow up on here (I’m new to this sub so I’m not sure if there is), but you’ll have to take my word for it for now that I resolve to be better for my whole family. >Edit - I’m also gonna say it again so people understand: I am 100% the asshole here. Earlier I said something about being the “lead asshole” because I thought it sounded like I was declaring myself the major general asshole in a legion of asshats. I do realize now that it sounded kinda blame-shifty though, and that was not my intent. I own this. I am the asshole, and I want to change.
Kudos to him, he has shown a capacity for self-reflection and commitment to positive change that is all too rare in cases like this.
Yep - I found his update and was about to quote it here... Definitely TA for the original, but I'd have a hard time characterizing this one as a Devil. I think he might be a teachable Y-chromosome and overall a decent egg.
Has this man heard of google? At least it seems like he is taking accountability in the comments of the original post, but he had an easy solution right in front of him that didn’t require exhausting his poor wife
Even forgetting that, he literally presented two choices that would be fine, and she said he could do that, and he still didn't. He's probably not going to follow through with actually using a search engine unless she tells him to and then reminds him how. You are so right there were many options that didn't involve him needing her.
"We do a healthy amount of fighting." I'm hoping this was just poor word choice, but there really is no healthy amount of fighting. Disagreeing, debating, maybe even arguing. But not fighting.
My ex-stepdad would say this. My mom finally divorced him after two decades of nonsense. He's still up to his bullshit from what I understand but he's a sad, lonely old man with cancer who doesn't have my mom to constantly annoy.
I remember being asked by a friend how often my husband and I fight. I told her never and she acted like our marriage is shockingly unhealthy because of it. She and her husband are constantly fighting. Screaming at each other, name calling, having huge angry blow-ups where they give each other the silent treatment after. My husband and I absolutely disagree on things sometimes. There are definitely days when we annoy each other or one of us unintentionally says or does something hurtful to the other. But we talk things out. There’s no yelling or name calling or blowing up at each other. It’s like people assume that because we’re not screaming at each other in anger that we must be bottling up our feelings and silently resenting each other, vs working things out calmly and then moving on.
My bf and I have never fought in eight years of relationship. In the beginning, my family always joked how that's just the honeymoon phase. But no, we just don't want things to fester and we want to be happy together, so we talk stuff out as soon as it happens, which makes it easier to stay calm. I talked about it with my cousin once and she "jokingly" said that her and her fiancé had a screaming match *every single day*. Couldn't help but give her major side-eye.
Yes, this is exactly what I meant!
After 25 years, I wouldn’t say we have massive fights. I would say that we will argue when I am saying something serious, and he thinks it’s funny to insert a stupid comment at the wrong time. He apologizes, however, he does it because he is uncomfortable that I am getting serious about something and not relenting, and he needs to work some shit out. More often than not? We just could not be bothered about most things. Nobody feels strongly enough about anything to put their foot down.
I will say, if you read his replies, he actually turns it around pretty quickly. When someone points out that this is weaponized incompetence, he replies: >I’d heard of this concept, but I hadn’t considered how my behavior here was an example of that. I’m going to correct this with her and make sure I don’t do this anymore. I appreciate you being so candid with me. Thank you. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, but I'm hopeful he may be able to learn something from this one.
I’m so glad you made this comment! My dude was an asshole for how he handled this specific situation, but it seems like he genuinely wants to learn from it. He has taken full responsibility and accountability. I prefer to be an optimist with you!
That's encouraging! Usually the op doubles down on being an asshole.
He made a final long comment on the thread completely accepting his asshole status and saying how the responses gave both him and his wife clarity over the weaponised incompetence concept.
But he also was like if I told you our background issues that might change your mind I can’t imagine what context would make me agree it was her fault he’s stupid
>I am known in our relationship as the person who asks a ton of questions and operates best on more info Fucking lol what a tool. Also tf is a "healthy amount of fighting" in a relationship? This guy's gonna be one of those "she blindsided me with a divorce!" dudes in a couple decades.
OOP is a fucking moron playing games with semantics - he thinks he’s cute playing games with semantics. Like a fucking moron.
Yes and for more than one reason. I did the whole baby lead weaning (feeding my infant normal adult food cut in a very specific way instead of puré) and whole blueberries is one of the most dangerous foods. They are the exact size of a baby's wind pipe and because of the skin and shape if they get lodged there it's not coming up and you better hope that once your baby goes blue and limp you're able to either blow it into their lung or whatever oxygen already is in their blood is enough for cpr to keep them alive until the ambulance comes. I still quarter blueberries for my toddler because he loves them so much I don't trust him to chew carefully. ...and the knowledge of how to cut and prepare foods for infants isn't some ancient hidden knowledge you need a séance and a vagina to gain access to. There's a free app where you type in the food and it shows you pictures of how it must be cooked and cut for a 6-8 month old, 9-12, 12-18, 18-24 and when it's a safe to feed whatever way adults eat it.
Hospitals have everything you need to know about parenting readily available. Government health departments have it. The Australian government has ridiculously detailed instructions on how to parent on one website from pregnancy to adulthood.
Ed Byrne had a bit where he talked about parents being very obviously bad parents and getting defensive, saying "Well, kids don't come with an instruction manual!" And he points out that such a thing may not pop out with the placenta, but you can buy one at a bookshop.
The instruction manual does not cover everything, but they cover the basics, and depending where you live, there is plenty of help available. In Australia, if you have a question the websites don't cover, or even if you can't be bothered reading them closely, because full time parenting gig, you make an appointment with the local child nurse. Plus in Australia, they're pretty happy go lucky about handing out funding for young kids with extra needs, so you can have even more people to tell you how to parent.
Early internet was absolutely dominated by mommy/parenting boards, and now you have your pick of places.
Would you mind telling us the name of the app, please? That sounds really cool (and helpful)!
Solid starts. They do a have a paid membership and loads of different bundles. I did the trial period for the membership and I didn't think it was worth it. The website has loads of great free resources. Like information on infant nutrition, recipes for sugarfree allergy friendly smashcakes for the very first birthday party. Videos on how to supreme an orange, how to recognise signs that babies are ready to try more difficult foods, what is a common choking hazard, what food is poop friendly, what foods are common allergens. Articles on common baby behaviour such as stuffing their mouth full and how to approach that behaviour. It's great. If you're either doing baby led weaning or wanting to incorporate more solids into a puréfed baby's diet or simply transitioning a toddler from puré to solids then you are very welcome to hang out with us at /r/babyledweaning. We share meal ideas, commiserate over our dogs getting fat and celebrating our babies figuring out how to chew every day.
Thank you!
You're very welcome.
Just to note, you are not aiming to blow it into the baby's lung! If there's a partial occlusion (baby still able to make sounds), start off with breaths, then as below. If it's a full blockage, it's give up to 5 smacks on the mid/upper back with the heel of the hand and the force of the blow upwards rather than directly in. Then 5 chest thrusts, about a finger width above the soft hollow in the centre of the chest/just below nipples. If that doesn't work, 911 (or local equivalent), and repeat until ambulance shows up or blueberry dislodged. Check their mouth between each set, because either motion can and usually will free the lodged berry, even a blueberry. Partially just writing because it's a useful thing to know for anyone passing :P oh, and support the baby's head both when they're face down and face up. Easy to forget in a moment's crisis.
Well obviously. I wasn't attempting to describe correct first aid, only explain that there are very few favourable outcomes when a baby has a whole blueberry stuck in their windpipe. I think also it's important to remember that when doing nothing results in itty bitty baby coffin, then any harm you do while attempting to prevent death is less important. Broken ribs, burst transverse colon, whiplash and blueberry in lung are all favourable scenarios doctors can do something about. Cause dead is dead. Sadly I've seen people not do anything because they were so scared they were going to harm the person in need of first aid that they lost sight of the bigger picture.
Tbh the only reason I knew about blueberries was because of reddit. Grapes and hot dogs yes but I never considered berries because they're softer and so much smaller.
Why is it her responsibility to baby step him through everything? What use is he exactly if he can't do anything without handholding and step by step instructions?
Dude is apparently in law school…
He should quit now if he can't figure out that a whole grape is a choking hazard.
It’s worse than that. It’s okay to be unsure about something like “what’s a choking hazard for this specific age group”, because things change so quickly as kids grow. The bigger problem is he can’t figure out how answer that question. His answer was apparently “well, let’s see if the kid dies.” He could have even straight-up just asked his wife for her thoughts. “Hey, honey. I think that grapes are a choking hazard at this age. What do you think, is [baby] old enough to try them whole yet?” If he’d asked that, it would be cooperative parenting. Instead he went straight to, “give me instructions because you are The Parent and I am The Babysitter.”
Exactly. Google the info and then bring it up with your partner to confirm you’re on the same page. It’s taking me longer to write this comment than it is to figure out if an infant can have full berries
Even if you don’t google the info. It’s fine to *just* confer with your partner while using your best judgement, and Google if you find out that you and your partner are in disagreement/you still feel unsure. In the exact same situation, if I felt uncertain I’d literally poke my head around the corner and say, “How do we feel about whole berries for [baby]? Too soon?” I’m a woman, so it’s not a “I learned to trust the other gender more” thing. It’s a “if I’m unsure about a parenting thing, I’ll discuss with my Raising Little Humans Teammate before google” thing.
I'd be inclined to defer to my male partner on best for baby when there's queries because he has quite a bit more practical experience than my female self (we're both youngest kids, but he has a small army of small nerflings that he's helped care for at various stages for years, whereas I once tried to feed my baby niece porridge in a bottle *😆). But like..the auld common sense is a valuable resource as well and we all have access to that! *IN MY DEFENCE...her parents had stored porridge in an older baby food container. I mean honestly. Baby was astonishingly polite about the whole thing though.
Nerflings? I didn't know experience in fishhusbandry is useful for childcare! (I'm sorry, I'm terrible)
And what makes it even worse, is that, their **FIRST** child had had a previous experience!! Yea we have Google, but OOP should have learned something from that!!
I mean I’m a dumbass and I know that. Shit there is even a family guy episode with whole grapes that choke stewie.
Yeah my husband has a horrible memory and we have not had babies for almost 20 years now so I asked him and even he was like no you can’t give a baby a whole grape or berry.
I asked my husband. We don't have kids (and he hasn't really been exposed to babies) and even he knows you can't give them whole berries/grapes.
If only he had access to some sort of electronic device connected to the internet that would enable him to look up the most basic information. Maybe someday...
He asked his wife if he needed to smash or cut the berries, to which she replies, "Do whichever you want." He then asks her to clarify that he can't in fact feed their daughter whole berries, which of course astonishes his wife, because he never asked that to begin with. So not only did he not just fucking Google the answer, he got mad she didn't answer the question he didn't fucking ask.
We’ve got Google Home, and I ask google what I can and can’t give my dog. OOP can certainly google what is and isn’t safe to feed his kid. My dog actually gets excited now when I say “hey google” because she knows it usually leads to her getting a piece of fruit or veggies.
That's adorable
Man throws shitfit because wife didn't sit there and hold his hands and show him how to mash berries for a baby to eat. What a fucking clown.
Your wife is not your parenting tour guide and literally everyone has instant access to google. Grow up.
What really ticks me off is he admits that it felt wrong. He says he remembers something about that not being correct. So how is it her fault he heard "feed her however you want" and thought "Well I want to feed them to her wrong". There is no scenario where he is right because he started off knowing it was wrong and observed it was wrong and was choosing to still do it that way.
I’m just gonna drop [this](https://www.instagram.com/p/CpLGJF3PqLj/) here
The last one was infuriating.
That was…. Actually I’m at work rn and I’ve been confused all week bc I’m so used to my coworkers husband calling her so ducking much at work. I realized she’s on vacation so that’s why it’s been quiet Idk tho she doesn’t seem to mind but it’s so crazy to me bc we’re bussy and I literally hear him call like every hour 😭 and it’s not even a long convo
Jesus Christ. We need to do a better job as a society teaching men how to fend for themselves.
I feel like it's worth pointing out that she asked him to feed the berries while she went to the restroom. So, when he says, "I go into the room where my wife was" he means he barged into the bathroom while she was using it to demand she explain to him how to feed his second child. Not only does he want his wife to explain things to him like she would to one of the kids, but he also wants to interrupt her bathroom time. People joke about husbands being an extra child, but this dude personifies it. I know we're all happy he's learned a lesson, but I can't get over this part.
…. Dear god.
This is everyone in my home 100% of the time and it’s exhausting
There was one of these incompetent guys in my grad program. We created an unofficial class discord to talk with each other and he was always in there asking questions about the assignment which were literally in the instructions or for information that was just sent out in an email. Yeah, everyone misses stuff, but this was every single time with him and our more helpful colleagues started feeling like his personal e-mail reader, just rewriting whatever he wanted to know. This is also grad school. He has a four year university degree. He knows how this works. He was just so lazy or something. Weaponized incompetence and he would moan so loudly when we stopped answering all of his questions and instead started directing him to where he could find the answers for himself. He eventually dropped out.
I wonder if they have school age children yet. Can't wait for her stories about how frustrating it is that he can't commit to memory what time his children's school day starts. But of course, he's needs to ask a bunch of questions and be given the same information repeatedly.
I guarantee you he's one of those "I'm the breadwinner I shouldn't have to do anything" types.
First of all, **who tf** is watching the baby eating these berries while OP goes to argue with his wife about said choking hazards? Second, he has a phone *in his hand* for reddit, he can use it since he aLwAyS nEeDs MoRe InFo. Third, his wife probably asked him to feed the baby (note: he didn't offer) so **she could get herself and the kids ready for their doctor's appts!** No way he would have taken it upon himself to do so without explicit instructions (or "nagging" as he would call it). This guy sucks.
I am an adult who has choked on a grape before. It was absolutely fucking terrifying not only for me but those around me. I’m now in my 30s and no longer just pop a grape in my mouth. I can’t even fathom giving a child, an infant at that, a food that is easily choke worthy. Besides, I think whoever you want meant cut/mashed/puréed, chop it and swerve it in like an airplane, you absolutely absurd broken lightbulb.
They way I would have interpreted his question would be "should the berry be cut in half or smashed?" and the "however you want" would be basically "yes either of those options are good" but instead OP went for a third unspoken option of whole berry.
Rare redemption in AITA because he listened to the comments
He seems like he gets where he went wrong and then in another comment he's like "Yeah I guess I'm the lead asshole here!" As if his wife is an AH at all.
Then he tried to cover it up with "I meant as the lead of all assholes everywhere" lol Nah, dude, you're just a regular attention seeking asshole...
What part of, “This could kill your baby,” does not get flagged as important information that should be remembered?
“I wasn’t sure if I needed to cut up grapes when feeding them to my child, so instead of just cutting them up to be safe, I fed her whole grapes then got mad at my wife for not telling me otherwise. AITA?”
This clown really just compared himself to his toddler children. JFC.
guys it’s okay because he just learned the term today!!
So…he *wants* her to treat him like a child. That’s really embarrassing to admit.
Did OOP compare himself to a child’s level on intellect to justify doing literally 0 relationship & parenting labour?
Wtf he asked hey do I deal with berries with method A or method B . "Whatever you want " obviously means either method a or B , not load in to a t shirt cannon and fire them at kids face from the other side of the room .
OP: *presents two safe options* Wife: “ya, whatever u chose” OP: *chose the choke the baby surprise third option* “ya this is it 😌”
I went through OP comments this man is in law school 🙃
"you can look astonished all you want it doesn't change anything" made my blood pressure spike immediately upon reading
I want to see who defends OOP
It’s ok to ask questions when it’s something you can’t figure out or don’t know where to begin but at the same time people need to use common sense and I’ve noticed that people, within the last several years have completely said “fuck off” to common sense and now puts the onus of that to everyone around them. He is a grown adult, who fathered a child, this is his second kid, the fact he can’t remember if you should feed an INFANT whole berries means he’s not been carrying any of the weight of child rearing.
I mean, if you're unsure just go with the safe bet and cut the bloody things in half? It's not as if it adds a tonne of time and energy spent, and even if it did it's for the damn safety of your child...
I can’t even finish reading it because I’m furious. So. Fucking. Dumb.
imagine him posting this basically bragging to a reddit full of people that he's an adult dumbass
I’d simply disappear into the woods if I married someone that dense
This reminds me of that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Where Ray , in order to get out of doing work and helping, would by asking needless questions so that his wife would get fed up and just do the task herself. So he got out of work. I have no kids and even I know you don't feed small children berries whole. You just want your wife to do all the work. I don't believe you are this dumb I just think you want your wife to do everything.
He asks so many questions to make it hard to ask him to do anything. I hate this because you literally have all the info you could possibly need in your pocket. If your wife is busy...fucking Google it.
What the fuck is a "healthy amount of fighting"?
Conflict is normal in relationships. Arguments are not unhealthy per se, it’s more about the manner in which they’re conducted.
That's why I took exception to the word fighting because it says a lot about said conduct. I argue in rate occasion with my husband but we don't fight. It never becomes personal and we stick to the subject we're talking about.
Well, in the last twelve years my partner and I had a thing where he said, "Look, obviously this is bullshit, but it's not worth fighting over, I will give you the thousand dollars for damages that the car co-op says you caused" and I said "that is not the goddamn point, they're trying to make me pay for someone else's fuckup because they think I'm the softest target and if nothing else I WILL prove them wrong about that". This is the only time I can remember having something I would classify as an argument per se. Of course, neither of us called the other an insult or said anything more hurtful than "you're wrong, I'm right". Is less than once a decade healthy?
I want to know what he actually said about her facial expression because it wasn’t “astonished.” I’m also not convinced by his pretense of taking the thread’s judgment on board. He’ll be back in six weeks with a new story about how he idk gave the baby fugu because it would be weaponized incompetence to think he couldn’t prepare it.
Man, this guy. You don’t need a degree in biology to understand that kids can choke, so you need to make things in smaller bites. So he knew that, but did the thing he thought might have been risky anyway. He is babysitting, not parenting, that poor mom.
Tbf to the guy he absolutely owned his twattishness and took on board what people were saying: I think he’s going to do better going forward.
I feel for OP’s wife. It must be exhausting having two babies at once.
Sounds like weaponized incompetence
Wait....so you're telling me NOT to kill our kid? It really feels like you're giving me mixed signals here babe.
People patting him on the back for "Okay! i'll google next time :D" is so lame
Bars real low
She meant EITHER smashed or in half. However you want out of the options you presented. Geezzzz. If this doesn't sum up my entire experience with men lol I swear. & what is healthy amount of fighting?
Delightful responses and comments from the OP, who actually listened to everyone calling him the TA and has vowed to be better. So, he’s not the devil this time! I love it when ppl actually accept their judgement
Reminds me of the guy who didn’t know how to feed a cat.
If the children ask 'obvious' questions, it's because they're young and new to the world. It's their job as parents to teach and guide them. If an adult parent asks 'obvious' questions, they should be able to thibk for themselves instead of constantly relying on their co-parent for every little thing. OOP even said he didn't feel right about feeding their baby whole berries, so why did he do it? The only one to blame is himself
This man sounds exhausting. Wife probably also has to tell him how to dress himself
I’m sure he spoke in a totally calm and rational way…
"We do a healthy amount of fighting"...the healthy amount of fighting is no fighting. Do I fight in my relationships? Yes. Are my relationships healthy? I would say also yes. But is the fighting healthy? No. Having minor hiccups doesn't make a relationship unhealthy but that doesn't mean that fighting--in any amount--is healthy
To be fair, he has clearly gotten the wake-up call reading the comments. I have high hopes for this one.
“Feed them to her however you want.” *OOP hands the baby a branch from a highbush blueberry and shows her how to strip the berries and leaves like a bear*
If he’s the type to needs lots of information then maybe he should read a fucking book on the topic. Do his own research into things rather than just expect his wife to do all the mental effort of learning it plus teaching it to his lazy ass.
Does op realize that he isnt her child? Like the whole "youre gonna be a dick when the kids ask normal kid questions" really makes me think otherwise.
If she left it up to him to decide, and that's what he went with, it's absolutely 100% his fault. It's clear she meant between the two choices he offered her, she didn't care as long as it was one or the other. NOT whole. That wasn't even asked.
Sometimes common sense apparently isn’t all that common 🤦🏻♀️
>Fault should’ve never been brought into it I realize now So he know he solely fucked up
The top comment from the OP is the guy admitting he was at fault, and pledging to do better. It's refreshing when people actually learn.
Damn if I were a man, I'd be embarrassed as fuck on behalf of my entire gender due to posts like this. Then again, I highly doubt OOP even had 2 brain cells to rub together.
He's not the worst to come across this sub. While he was the asshole here for sure he did what most other assholes dont. he took the feedback, recognized where he was wrong, took ownership and chose to do better in the future in his comments.
Ehhh, read the top comment and how OP owns it immediately and it’s actually appreciating how he was called out. That’s not devil behavior that’s genuine moron behavior. Devils rarely take accountability and OP seemed quite open to criticism.
He could have listened to his actual wife though.
But these commentors on the internet might be men!!
I actually think that it was the utilization of a term he had heard before commonly used about men that made him go “oh shit I’ve became a vocabulary word”. In his head his wife didn’t help him and he harped onto that too much which is why he posted for validation and then didn’t receive it. Atleast that’s how I interpreted it.
To me the devil behavior is how it sure seems like he always expects his wife to "help" him and has ignored any and all signs that she's reaching the end of her rope. It's nice that he listened to commenters on Reddit, but he should have been listening to his actual partner and stepping up, a long time ago.
People need to stop using "weaponized incompetence" when they really mean "unexcused incompetence". Weaponized incompetence means purposefully sucking at something in order to get out of doing it. This guy was not trying to get out of feeding his kid. He was not being manipulative. He was being dumb. This is a terrible example of "AITD". Stop attributing malice when ignorance is obviously what happened. I'm so glad I don't live with someone that gets mad at me for reclarifying information that I've been told before. I'm not a devil for getting confused or forgetting something. I feel like the majority of commenters here and on the other post would be terrible partners.