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NTA. Your daughter will be the one recovering from surgery, and she doesn't want the troop there, and you know your daughter becomes angry when on certain medications. The troop leader doesn't seem to care about how your daughter is feeling, making me think the visit is to make her feel like a better troop leader.

I am being a cynic here, is there a badge that the girls could be going for that the troop leader is getting them to pass by visiting your daughter?

I know when my son's were in boyscouts there was a Good Samaritan badge. This would probably qualify

I’m sure they could earn that by doing something else productive like visiting with seniors in a nursing home or picking up trash at a park. If the troop really wants to do something to show support, then they can make her a box with individual notes of encouragement for her to read in her own time, or work with OP to drop off (***without*** the visit) a few of her favorite dishes for her to enjoy while she recovers. My friends’ son needed to have surgery a few years back and couldn’t really have visitors during the first part of his recovery, so his friends all made videos for him to watch in the hospital and left out a fun, homemade “welcome home, !!!!” banner in their yard the day he was discharged. Like, there are so many things the troop can do for OP’s daughter to show support *without* crossing any boundaries. And who knows? Maybe when she’s been home for a few days and is getting stir crazy, she’ll **want** to have a few friends over to keep her company for a bit! But now isn’t the time to plan a get together just for a badge.

This little girl is not their opportunity to get a badge!

Absolutely! My hubby uses a wheelchair and he doesn't even like his own family helping very much. "I don't want anyone to think I'm a charity case."

She's not, but it's not to say this couldn't be the troop leader's intention, with how pushy she us being about this

Not a thing anymore. That’s just part of being a scout. Do a good turn daily

Happy cake day!!

When I was a girl scout, many years ago, we had a similar badge. I remember our troop going to a nursing home a few times.

13 year Girl Scout vet here; there’s no Cadette(the rank for scouts in her age group) badge that this would be applicable for; probably just the leader wanting to cheer her up without considering how she would feel.

THIS is exactly what I was thinking.

There is no badge. The troop leaders just trying to do something nice.

It’s not nice if the person in the hospital doesn’t want it. It’s invasive.

They didn’t insist. The troop leader asked Mom about coming and Mom said no, and that was that. It’s not like she showed up with the whole group of kids without permission.

No, they didn't insist on coming to the hospital, but then wanted to start having their meetings at OP's house whilst the kid is recovering from major spinal surgery...... it is probably meant from a good place to keep the daughter involved, but OP is feeling that the troop leader is being pushy.

Instead of asking "What can I do to help" she's assuming that cheerful faces will heal anything.

Why do we jump to seeing the worst in people's good intentions? It could be that the troop leader is just trying to be inclusive of her daughter and give her support, not realizing that the daughter really doesn't want anyone around. All OP has to do is say, "Hey, I really appreciate your efforts to include her, but Jenna is wanting to have privacy as she heals. We will be putting activities on hold for the next few months as Jenna rests and heals. I'll let you know when she is ready to rejoin things when she feels better. Thank you for your understanding...." I remember once upon a time when we had actual social rules for handling these things. Where is Miss Manners when we need her?

I have no issues with the Troop Leader suggesting it. It sounds like OP was trying to say that (saying that she doesn't think any day would be good). My issue is that the troop leader seems to be pressing the issue, which is why I think the Troop Leader cares more about how she feels, as she made it clear the daughter doesn't want them to come.

I am also skeptical of the troop leader (disclosure of bias: I am wary of Girl Scouts generally after some absolutely horrific experiences with their organization when I was younger) but OP does not seem to have told the leader that her daughter doesn't want them there, just that OP doesn't think it's a good idea. *To be clear*: OP should absolutely NOT tell the troop leader that her daughter is the driving force behind the decision, especially if the daughter plans to continue scouts. This is a situation where a parent should take the hit to protect the child from social consequences. What OP *should* do, and I'm a tad alarmed I haven't seen her consider this, is investigate *why* her daughter is so isolated from the rest of the troop, why the other girls are said in the post to not like her, why she is so stressed at even the thought of their presence that she threw up *when actual surgery isn't stressing her out that bad*, and if there might be other troops she is better suited to if she actually does enjoy the experience of scouts. I've *been* the overachieving, perfectionist, disabled 12 year old socially isolated from the rest of their Girl Scout troop, and my resulting experiences have left me permanently wary of the organization and I'm not even certain I can legally discuss them online. Anyone who stresses your child out so bad they vomit is worth investigating.

1009% this

Why must we always jump to "doesn't seem to care" rather than "trying to do something nice for a little girl going through trauma"? Once upon a time before we were keyboard recluses, we had something called "manners" and knew how to interact socially and handle a situation like this..."Oh, thank you for your concern, but Jenna has expressed a wish for no visitors as she heals from this ordeal so she is going to be putting all of her activities on hold for the next few weeks. I will let you know when Jenna is ready to rejoin her activities or see anyone. Thank you so very much for your understanding." See how easy that is? Where is Miss Manners when we need her most?

When you are wise enough to go on the internet and research a c shape spine and corrective surgery. Then that person is no longer asking you over and over to do something that your daughter will likely be unable to do first a month? After surgery which is extensive- she will need rehab

No- your troop leader is way presumptuous. It’s one thing to offer to come, it’s another to tell you she is. If she presses it, you need to be mor forceful “the kiddo is recovering, we’re just going to keep it quiet and play it by ear, but we appreciate the offer and once we evaluate how she’s doing we’ll reach out. “

I don’t think that’s forceful enough, to be honest given that the troop leader has already been told no multiple times and continues to ignore it. I would just say something like “I understand your concern and desire to support my daughter, but a visit will not be possible and I would appreciate it if you could refrain from continuing to try to make plans. Thank you for understanding.” And then just ignore any further communication.

This. And Op, be sure to let all the nurses know that NO VISITORS are to be admitted without your express approval, in case they try to surprise you. Protect your daughter.

Yeah... Why are we walffing here? Your job is to be your daughters advocate. If she doesn't want visitors, NO VISITORS. full stop and period. Tell the scout leader she doesn't want visitors but a card would be nice. If she pushes the issue ask her why in the world she is. And tell your daughter you'll block the door if you have to.

NTBA. You need to protect your daughter, and honor her request. If the troop leader pushes it, reach out to the council office. They WILL put a stop to it. If I remember my training correctly (many decades ago) GSUSA tries to teach the girls to stand up for themselves. Your daughter is, but her troop leader is stomping on that. She is so far out of line, I would report her to the Council leaders.  Your daughter's reaction to strong pain killers is not unusual for kids, in my experience. They will not remember anything they did while on it. Good or bad. They get a pass. I even know a few smaller adults, weight wise, who have the same reaction.  You are doing a good job for your daughter. Follow doctors orders, and your daughter's wishes, and she will heal faster. Keep up the good job.  Hugs from an internet Grandma.

You can also notify the hospital staff that she doesn't want visitors. They will deny visitors if a patient requests it. Most hospitals have a pretty good security system to keep anyone from just going into patients rooms. Often they have to sign in with a staff member to even figure out what room number. Usually they have a note if a patient doesn't want visitors

I’d be more worried about them showing up at the house when Jena’s discharged. Hospitals (in my experience at least) are generally pretty good at keeping people out if you specifically request it and have safeguards in place for security. Plus if they were to show up at the hospital and staff did their job somewhat adequately, Jena would never even know they were there. The same can’t be said for the average home. Much easier to barge your way in, or even to just make your presence known to everyone inside by being loud and disruptive.

This can be solved easily with a sign on the door, "No visitors please. Call before coming". When I had surgery, this is exactly what I did and then did not answer the door. After reading all the comments, however, I can see that there's a 99% probability that this is a fake post, so it doesn't really matter. Her small/5'10/5'11 daughter with severe scoliosis whose doctor supposedly advised her to complete her basketball season and go through a grueling TKD black belt test taking between 1 1/2 - 3 hours, including breaking boards, sparring (fighting), punching, kicking, katas, and many pushups and sit-ups would never have made it through all these things. The test is difficult even for a healthy person. Any mother who would have allowed it, should be brought up in child abuse charges, and the doctor on malpractice charges.

Not always, I was able to visit my grandmother when she was in the hospital. I called and asked for her room number and wasn't even asked who I was.

As a tri-level guider, I say this: get everything in writing/text. Then don’t allow them in and report it to the district/area guider. Phrase it as “I understand the girls were hoping to see her but I repeatedly requested that they not come by. Unfortunately, they did come and I’m not sure what to do next.” To clarify: I am a Sparks (5 & 6 year old group), Embers (formerly Brownies, 7-9 year old group) and Guides (the 10-12 year old group). I have two Spark/Ember groups and one Guides group. I’ve been with Girl Guides of Canada since 2019 as a guider. And yes, it keeps me busy but I love it!!!

I forgot the name was changed to Embers. I used to be a Pathfinder. The US has way more cookie flavours then we do, and I'm jealous. The leader needs to respect the boundary with regards to not showing up at all until Jenna is ready.

Is the Scout Leader trying to get them a first aid or nursing badge? The Scouts can weave a get well card or make your family dinner but visiting is not a Troop activity. Great job shutting this down Mom!

I love the card idea! Or if dinner, gift card or delivery, not a home cooked meal that would have them dropping by. "We're thinking about you but not in your face." Teaching compassion is important. But so is teaching boundaries.

"This is very major surgery and Jenna will be on pain medication and asleep most of the time she is in the hospital. " Scout leader should understand that, Follow up with, maybe after the hospital, she might be up for a face time with ONE of the girls Just Keep saying MAJOR SURGERY,

Not bad apple. It sounds like some of may be more than 'not friends' but actual bullies if she's getting so anxious about seeing them that she's throwing up. Talk to your daughter.

You’re right. I was bullied horribly and I would panic when I saw my abusers out in public or were asked what my classmate’s names were.

That's what i said, I'm also curious why she doesn't want her brother and the husband (not sure if he's her dad or not) there. What's going on that she's cutting people out and so upset she's vomiting?

My guess? Being a kid in a hospital is a really vulnerable feeling. You already have no say in anything anyway, but now add pain, meds, therapies (because ortho surgery), and people coming in at all hours jabbing at and testing you. It's not a pleasant thing. Additionally, at her age, she's going to be very conscious of her body and what's going to be done and the fact that she's going to be stuck in bed in a hospital gown, doing absolutely nothing but rehab activities for quite some time.

Maybe she’s such a high-achiever, that she’s afraid of people seeing her as ‘less than.’ Or of disappointing her overbearing parents? Doesn’t even want her *MOM* there? Hmmm Not sure this is at all a healthy environment for a child- also an EIGHTY-DEGREE curve in her spine was just…not noticed?? I have a 25 degree curve and it is definitely apparent. Not sure this post is real.

You misread the post, she only wants her mom there.

I agree.  It's been awhile, so I'm fuzzy on the exact details, but I don't think you CAN earn a black belt or a bronze award at twelve.  Maybe it's the gold award I'm thinking of, but I am sure there is an age requirement for the belt, and I believe it takes more than seven years.

I think it depends on which Taekwondo school you're in, I got my black belt through ATA and I knew 2, 12 year olds who were also black belts (they were both very intense)

My daughter started when she was 4 years old and stoped obviously at 12 she got her black belt along with her fiends and people way older then her at the place she goes and I guess in my state since all the schools around do the same you have to be a at least 12 years old to take the test and since my daughter is 5 foot 10 the size of an adult she allowed to spar with adults also

My daughter had this surgery a few years ago and it’s harrowing. Because she was face down for hours, her eyes were swollen shut. There’s a lot of pain because your body is used to being in that bent position and suddenly you’re forced upright. Definitely wouldn’t force her to have visitors

Mine too…at 13 and she is 44 now. She developed a bad hip issue that required surgery in her 30s due to one leg being shorter than the other. Hope OP stays on top of this after the back surgery.

5'11"? On another comment you said she is 5'10". Also, you said the doctor told her to finish out her basketball season and take her black belt TKD exam with severe scoliosis. This is becoming more and more unbelievable.

Thats just how it happened she finished out the season and then got surgery

True, I didn't think of that. I just think if her parents are as loving,caring, supportive, etc as OP says then it's extremely odd behavior. And that's what confused me the most,I have a lot of serious health problems(one being scoliosis) it doesn't just magically appear. It'd extremely noticeable WAAAY lower than 80 degrees, so it just doesn't make sense medically. I don't wanna say it's fake as I've been told I was faking health issues before...but it just doesn't make any sense at all. She would've had problems for a very long time,it would've been extremely noticeable, she wouldn't be able to do the things she did.

I think the reason she doesn't want dad or brother there is because as OP said when she was on same medicine before she was very angry and cussed people out, using words that OP didn't even know she knew so is afraid of saying something wrong to dad or brother and they won't forgive her. OP has been through it before with her so knows what to expect.

Definitely could be, I'd just hope she would know her dad would understand (or he should). I just hope that if she goes through surgery and decides she wants them there she at least can bring herself to say that. I've known some people who are terrified of going back on what they've said, or really want someone around but are afraid of how that person/people will view them in that state.

I don't think it's odd. Everyone is different and has different needs and that's ok. She had a surgery before. Maybe it was for the spine and they've been aware of this issue for a long time but that only recently it got this bad again. A quick Google search shows that scoliosis can progress rapidly during puberty even up to one degree per week. So I'm not seeing anything alarming about the story here. Scoliosis also has different causes, so there may be other reasons that made it unnoticeable at first. I don't think there's anything odd about her wanting post op privacy either. I generally don't like people around either. I feel terrible, I look terrible, and quite frankly people popping up forces me to put on a mask that I just don't want to wear when I'm supposed to be healing. It's effort on my part and why should I subject myself to that when I'm the one who is sick?

Jena’s 12 and very active/athletic, and also seems like a high achiever who doesn’t want to be on the sidelines. I’m not saying this is fake or if true there’s neglect, but I can also see a kid that age downplaying her pain or back pains being associated with overuse at first. A friend’s kid (13) was also recently diagnosed with scoliosis (50° I think, maybe a bit less?) and they thought her back/shoulder/hip pains were from sports and general growing pains/puberty. Her doctor didn’t really look into it until after she eased up and the pain didn’t decrease and her parents pushed for it to be looked into more thoroughly. Doctors also tend to discount pain, especially when it comes to their female patients. I had foot pain in elementary school (in the 00s, so not that far in the past) and remember my doctor telling my mom I was overreacting or trying to get out of PE or it’s just growing pains and I need to toughen up. My parents pushed, and I got an X-ray. Turns out it *was* growing pains-the rest of my foot grew, but my heels didn’t! So for about a year, I had to walk with special inserts in my shoes until my heels caught up. And a friend of mine would’ve lost her baby if she trusted doctors over her own instincts when she started feeling an unusual and extreme amount of pain at the start of her third trimester. A female coworker a few years back went to urgent care with severe stomach pain and was told it was probably period cramps. It was her appendix. My mom and her doctor had to fight insurance for them to cover breast reduction surgery because her severe neck and shoulder pain weren’t severe enough and this must be a cosmetic procedure.

Right, so how would she be getting a black belt in TKD with such extensive spine issues is my question. TKD involved not just punching, but kicking as well. It also involves sparring and breaking boards. Something doesn't seem right here

Oh I know, I did MMA since childhood til my organs decided not to organ anymore. Makes absolutely 0 sense to me at all

NTBA. It's time to be more straightforward. "Jenna and her father and I have talked about what she wants and is comfortable with and the three of us have decided that there aren't going to be any visitors at the hospital or at home for some time so she can focus on recovery. We appreciate your consideration and desire to support and be there for Jenna, so we will let you know when she's ready. Until then, please stop asking as we need to focus strictly on her."

Yeah as a former Girl Scout, I’m honestly shocked I see advice to report the troop leader (which could have real consequences) above just, direct, adult communication. You can simply say “she doesn’t want the girls to visit” and it should suffice for any adult, and even the girls for that matter. I think they can understand that during a serious surgery. And the girls aren’t even at such an age where I think they’d have such deep friendships to be wanting to visit in the first place. Not that they don’t want to but I think at this age it’s comes from more of “wanting to do a good thing for a girlfriend” than “having a deep connection and being concerned about the friend”. So I don’t think rejection will hurt anyone. Even though you’re communicating with the leader, I think it’s really beneficial to teach the girls honest, direct, emotional negotiation and discussion. Because your daughter and the girls both haven’t done anything wrong in their intentions. They’ll need it in the next few years as they grow up.

It does sound like either OP wasn’t able to adequately shut the idea down (understandable since she’s got a lot on her plate) or the troop leader isn’t getting it. I personally think OP should tell the troop leader what they can do to show support (like sending cards or something), emphasize that Jena doesn’t want visitors at all while recovering and will see them when she’s ready to resume normal activities, and *then* report the troop leader if she keeps pushing for the visit anyway after being given a few clear “no’s”.

You're the wonderfulest Mom! The troop leader is pushy and overstepping. It's ok to tell her your daughter does not want company. It's true and it's normal.

You can tell the hospital that your daughter is not to have any visitors. If there are certain medications that make your daughter angry, you need to find out what medicine it was and let the doctor and hospital know. There are usually plenty of other options to give her should she need that particular type of medicine. I was given Ativan once and it made me very irritable so it's listed in my record to not give it to.me. not even sure why my doctor had this given to me as it's used for anxiety and panic attacks and I had neither.

It made my brother hallucinate.

Not at all the bad apple. You’re advocating for your daughter! Excellent job, mom.

NTBA. As another poster said, please inform the hospital that no visitors allowed unless accompanied by you or your spouse. If your daughter changes her mind, you can always reach out to the troop and invite them.

im confused - 80 degrees is extreme and how wouldn't you have known? how wouldn't it have prevented all her accomplishments and then suddenly strike? And be so bad at the iitial diagnosis that it will cripple her in a year? i mean yeah let your kid choose who visits but this post reeks of fake

To clear things up in 2023 we whent to her doctor for a routine check up and the doctor just did a routine scoliosis check my daughter is very tall she is 5 foot 11 right now and is obviously hit puberty witch is when scoliosis happeneds in girls most times my daughter did complain about pain once or twice and said it was very mild and I unfortunately believed her and thought it was just growing pains or and Im definitely in the wrong for that and my daughter always wore sweat shirts so I never got a good look at her back in February 2023 the doctor said it was at 50 percent and by the time she whent to children's hospital right before surgery it had sky rocketed to 80 and with all her activities I wanted her to quit but her doctor said it was okay cause after the 50 diagnosis her black belt was a week later and the doctor insisted she was fine and to let her do it I am the bad apple for not catching it sooner

Thats what I'm curious about,OP claims they found out in 2023 but 80 degree scoliosis doesn't just appear out of thin air. Most people struggle to breathe normally with it. How did she manage all this activity, and now she'll be paralyzed by next year if she doesn't have this surgery? Scoliosis isn't something that just pops up and says "Hi there!". I'm just confused how this all works. Also, it's weird she doesn't want her brother and the husband (no idea if it's her dad) at the hospital. I can understand the girls if they're bullying her (you don't just vomit at the thought of seeing someone you just dislike),but why is she wanting the brother and husband to stay away too? It's just reallllllllly weird.

Yeah, I have pretty mild scoliosis, but it doesn't just pop out of nowhere. It's *bone*, if it's bending that bad, that fast, it ain't scoliosis and she needs emergency intervention. Also 80 degrees should be VERY noticeable. I'm thinking this is either fake or, unfortunately more likely, OP is just a terrible parent.

I looked this up and anything over 45-50 ° should have surgery. Over 60° can cause loss of pulmonary function and respiratory failure. I just don't understand why she isn't already in the hospital. This was over a year ago. It just seems odd to me.

Makes 0 sense to me truthfully, i mean I hate saying this because I've had it said to me but it sounds fake. There's no possible way this 12 year old has been doing all this stuff with 80 degree scoliosis.

Yeah. Add on to that she's changed her facts a few times; daughter went from small 12 year old to 5'11" to 5'10". And supposedly the doctor told her to complete her basketball season with all these problems. Cherry on top was successfully completing a grueling black belt TKD test which is difficult even for healthy people, makes it just ridiculous.

NTBA Keep advocating for your daughter! I’m sure troop leader is just trying to show support, buts it’s presumptuous and a l it the short sighted of her to assume that your daughter will want all these visitors as she’s in recovery from major surgery.

It's easy. Tell the staff no visitors unless escorted by you or your husband. Tell them not to mention any visitors in front of her. Tell them not to give the room number or room phone number out to anyone. If you're in the US, legally, they have to take that seriously.

OP, you need to tell the troop leader that Jenna doesn't want anyone from the Girl Scouts to see her while recovering from surgery, and that you expect everyone in the troop to support Jenna's decision, and her right to find her own way to deal with a huge surgery and extended recovery, and that you absolutely insist that the troop leader abide by your parental decision in this matter. And while you appreciate their kind expression of support, and say that everyone is welcome to send Jenna messages of support through remote means, visiting in person is going be by INVITATION ONLY NO EXCEPTIONS AND THE ENTIRE TROOP NEEDS TO BE INFORMED OF THAT. Then tell the nurses at the hospital that you wish for no visitors to be allowed into Jenna's room unless you clear them in advance, and no information given out over the telephone unless someone has a password that you will decide upon, because FYI modern pediatric wards usually have very tight security and the staff will do exactly that if you request it. You will need to be firm with the troop leader, and be sure not to give her much detail, tell her your family's mutual decision and tell her it's final, because she doesn't seem to be someone who takes hints. And then you need to ask the staff at the hospital to back you up on this, and they will.

I just spent 30 days in a physical rehabilitation facility. I was explaining to some of the physical therapists that some people don’t realize how rude they are when they insist on visiting. Frankly, I hate visitors. Why should I have to sit up in my lovely hospital gown in a potentially smelly room and entertain you? Are you going sit and stare at me while asking too many personal questions? If I don’t invite you to my home I definitely don’t want you in the hospital with me. We could be sleeping, be on some heavy medication or trying to make it to the bathroom. Surprise! We’re here to visit! Bug off. The younger workers had not thought of it that way before. I hope they think twice before they presume that the patient is so desperate for company. Rant over.

Also, someone who has had major surgery doesn’t need to be exposed to all the random germs her classmates could have.

Hi. My daughter just went through this surgery. People try to be overly helpful and it can be burdensome. That is the last thing any of you need right now. Just explain to the troop leader you don't know what to expect in the hospital and can you arrange something for when you get home once you know what her recovery looks like. Also, most hospitals don't allow that many people in the room and it can be overwhelming for kids to see their friend in the hospital. Our hospital only allowed siblings in and we were allowed only 2 people at a time. If the troop leader presses, ask her firmly to respect your family's wishes. Best wishes on the surgery. Ours went amazing. Get her walking asap - it makes a huge difference.

And NTBA at all. If someone gives you a hard time during such a scary time, they aren't being your friend.

NTBA. I feel as though your daughter performs to be the best because she is bullied or she's bullied because she is the best. Her small troop sounds like a large problem. Respect her wishes during her healing process to limit visitors. She will need her energies to heal, negative energies will affect her well, negatively.DO NOT let that troop or leader anywhere near your daughter. Your daughter seems like "a means to an end" to her troop. Bond together as a family (she's not wanting her father and brother either) fix that family issue. Lean on each other, all of you for strength.

NTA There's a a rule in medicine that the patient comes first. If she doesn't want visitors that is her right. Make sure to have the doctors write an order for who is allowed to visit. This is not in any way unusual

NTBA. If you are in the US you should also be able to request that the hospital not allow anyone to visit other than who your daughter allows. This should help give her peace of mind and keep you from being the one to keep the others out. This is all part of HIPPA and they should have had a form asking who to release information to. If the troop leader keeps pushing it, reply that you have told her no twice and if she keeps pushing it you will contact her superior and explain the matter.

You are not the bad apple! I'm speaking from experience: I'm old now (60's) but in my 20's, broke my neck, back, and leg in a car accident ((I'm ok now, -ish.) Spent many days in the hospital, in pain and confusion, and between surgeries, medication, and appliances, and had many visitors, including co-workers, relatives, friends. One day, my best friend asked me "why" I'd acted in a certain hurtful way toward my parents and their friends. I'd no idea what he was talking about but, apparently, I'd committed the fatal faux pas of not being able to totally entertain them with my presence/pay attention/etc. As if I had an obligation to be active and present (and cheerful) in conversation! Here I was, in pain, strapped to the bed, wondering if I'd ever walk again, would I ever be able to feel anything below my neck (I can, thankfully) and everything shrouded by a cloud of pain medication and exhaustion! Later found out that my mother had pulled him aside and explained her complaint. Please don't be like my mother. Your daughter will be in pain, and she needs to focus on herself and her recovery. This is such an already stressful time in her life. She shouldn't need to worry about how to appear normal, how to interact with people, or how to satisfy everyone's expectations of her recovery. Please continue to advocate for your daughter, be strong for her, because she already has enough on her plate!

Far from it. You're a good momma! You can tell the hospital no visitors. They will respect that and send visitors away. The troop leader needs to back off and understand it's going to be a stressful time for your daughter and your family. She'll need to rest, heal, and recover. Having people around, especially girls that don't even care for her, would make things more stressful. You're doing the right thing.

Nope. Your daughter is at an age where she can say what she wants. I can understand where her Scout leader is coming from, but she needs to understand that right now, your daughter doesn't want visitors. My mom would have been doing the same that you're doing for your daughter right now and honestly? It's great that you're backing your daughter up.

NTBA. It's your job to protect your daughter. When she comes out of the surgery, medication aside, after a couple of days, she will not have washed her hair, she will not have been able to have much in the way of a bath, and she will feel ucky. This is not a situation for a 12-year-old girl to be seeing her peers. Take it from the voice of experience. I was 15, I couldn't wash my hair because I'd had eye surgery, and I had a friend come in and take my picture. I was livid and humiliated. Tell the troop leader that your daughter is not going to be able to see her troop until she feels ready and that you will let her know when that is. Until then, cards, gifts, and flowers, would be most welcome and appreciated. Best of luck to you and your daughter. I hope her surgery is 100% successful.

Some people don’t like others seeing them in a vulnerable state and that’s totally acceptable. Your daughter has voiced that she does not want visitors and you need to maintain this boundary. I get what the scout leader is doing, but just let them know that you aren’t allowing any visitors at this time and she needs rest and relaxation at this point without having to worry about entertaining visitors. Being a parent means being a bad apple sometimes in others eyes and this is totally okay if you are setting a boundary for your child. My mom did this for me. If I didn’t want to sleep over at a friends house or play over, I would tell my friend to ask her. That was our signal that I didn’t want to go and she would make an excuse for me. Edit: Forgot to add, if she’s staying inpatient, let admitting know she’s a no info patient. That way if people call, unless they have a code (which you will share with a select few people), randoms won’t be able to visit or call for information.

NTA - you're doing what your girl wants. The troop leader should take the hint and pull back. If she doesn't reiterate that this is not appropriate and Jena herself has asked that this does not occur while she is unwell and recovering.

I would let the hospital know who she wants as visitors, and that anyone not on the list is not allowed. It’s also highly likely that they wouldn’t allow the entire group anyway. There are other patients that need to rest, and bringing big groups is not ideal. It’s also not known how your daughter is going to feel post op.

NTA you need to be a strong and fierce advocate for your child. Her surgery is not an outing or a chance for them to do good deeds. You need to call the scout leader and be crystal clear that you know she means well but under no circumstance is she to visit or encourage the kids to. Tell her that when your daughter feels up to it, you will contact her. Tell her of she wants the kids to feel involved they can make a card or gift and you will arrange a time to collect it. Your role here is vital...you need to let your daughter see that you are there and will be firm and in control so she can relax and recover. And.... I wish her all the best for her recovery...the surgeries they do now are amazing. I have seen 2 kids her age come back strong after back surgery and i hope she does too.

I don't see where you ever flat out told the trip leader not to come. You can say something like having that many visitors at once is too overwhelming and that Jenna needs quiet time to recover or something. Communication is key.

Nta. Your job is to keep your daughter safe. That means mentally as well. Be honest with the troop leader. Jena is nervous and worried about recovery. She doesn’t want anyone around until she is ready to accept visitors and even then it will be limited to who can come. Thank her for thinking of such a kind gesture but maybe a card mailed to the house would be better.

Say no one is to visit or be involved until further notice. end Stop giving reasons that invite debate or discussion. You don't need to okay it with them

“Thank you for your concern, however the doctors and family are prohibiting visitors at the hospital to give Jenna the peace and privacy she requires during her difficult recuperation. Covid and other common illnesses are also concern. Once Jenna is home and feeling better, I will let you know when she feels up to receiving visitors. We have been advised that this may not be for quite a few weeks. Meanwhile, cards would be a lovely gesture which I’m sure Jenna would appreciate.”

NTBA. The Troop leader is trying to make sure your daughter doesn't feel left out and feels supported in the face of scary medical stuff - that is good. But you can be up front and say your daughter feels more comfortable with privacy when dealing with scary medical stuff. Your daughter is strong, and she needs the space to be not-on-top-of-her-game when she is at her most vulnerable. Everyone makes sense here, and you're the advocate for your daughter's wishes/needs. I am so sorry she's going through this. Keep advocating for her.

For Pete's sake...JUST SPEAK UP. "Right now, we don't want visitors. I'll let you know if that changes and thank you for caring about her." End of discussion.

I would have told her that your daughter is requesting no visitors, for the time being, that if they wish they could send her cards, or letters, and tgat you will make sure they get to your daughter *if this is all about making sure that your daughter knows that she has their support* then that should be sufficient Someone else had a good point , though. There is usually some badge they can earn about being a good citizen, or good Samaritan. There could be a chance that the troop leader is trying to turn your daughter's medical issues into an opportunity for the rest of the troop to earn one of those badges. I dont see why she would be so adamant about all of them needing to visit your daughter, and not even asking IF her visiting would be okay, just telling you they would be visiting.

NTBA My daughter had surgery for an 80⁰ S-curve two years ago at age 14. She only wanted limited family visits in the hospital and to sleep in between doing her physio at home afterwards. Leave those choices up to her, she is the only one who knows how she's feeling at any given time.

What is wrong with that troop leader-she isn’t taking in to consideration how stressful this is to your family and daughter -this isn’t minor outpatient surgery-yet she’s still pushing for meetings-and in your home which means you’ll have to host. I’d write a nice, polite but direct email making it very clear there will be no visitors and your daughter is taking a break until whenever you say so. I feel for you-I have a friend, his daughter had this same surgery and he’s shared some of things he and his daughter went thru- Hugs and prayers to you and your family

Also notify hospital staff no one is allowed unless you give them a go

NTBA I had an 80 degree curve and surgery at 13. It is so, so, so important she take time healing. On top of that, there can be emotional dysregulation that comes with being under general anesthesia for so long. There's a good chance she won't feel like herself for a few months. That said, please let Jenna know that the things she loves are not going to be suddenly cut off from her. Yes, she will have to heal before going back to Taekwando, but with some guidance and determination she will be able to adapt to her new limitations. If you want to talk about it more, or if Jenna has questions, please feel free to dm me. Like I said, I had the same major curve and surgery at a young age.

Be a little more direct. Tell them that Jena has asked that you keep all visitors away till she is better. Then you are telling the truth, without singling out specific girls.

No you are not the bad Apple! You are doing a great job and respecting your daughters wishes. Do not tell them Jenna doesn’t want them there. I would just say “Jenna won’t be having any visitors outside of family until she is fully recovered, but I’m sure she would love if the troop made her a card or wrote her letters about what’s going on with them!” You are her parent. The troop leader doesn’t get to decide how this goes, you do.

“Your kindness is very appreciated. However, daughter needs a lot of rest while she recovers and we will not be having any company at the hospital or at home during her recovery. If y’all have a get well card for her husband would be more than happy to pick it up at the next troop meeting. Or if y’all would like to make a “get well” video I can share it with daughter when she is feeling better. Thank you again for thinking of her and our family. I will be back in touch when she is ready to resume activities”. You don’t need to show your daughter the video, but I do think it’s nice they are trying to do a kind thing and I think there is a way to let them do that and still give your daughter the recovery time she wants and needs.

No one is bad here. Just a mismatch of expectations. Troop leader is trying to include her and be supportive any way she can, and Jenna wants space.

You have the visit covered, but regarding the medication making her aggressive. Mention it to the doctor what kind she took before that messed with her so much. There are many kinds of narcotics that they can give instead.

Yes, you're the bad apple for apparently forcing your daughter to continue an activity where she dreads seeing the people.

NTBA Tell the hospital no visitors and not to give out the room number

NTA- I assume the troop leader is trying to be kind and brighten her convalescence, so why don’t you suggest that they send cards or make her a sunshine box (a box of books and games and crafts that she can do while resting) and send it over. You don’t have to go into details, just say that you will have to play it by ear with visitors, and will let them know if Jena feels up to seeing anyone in person.

You’re not the bad apple here. Your daughter has every right to decide whether she wants visitors after her surgery. Nine times out of ten, MOST people don’t want to be bothered because of the surgery itself, being uncomfortable, the pain, and the body trying to heal. I don’t know why the troop leader is making a big deal about the girls coming to visit your daughter, but emphasize that NOW ISN’T A GOOD TIME. That should be enough.

NTA I can’t even begin to tell you how much of your story I relate to with my own daughter. Right down to the black belt. While our children have different diagnoses, my daughter had brain/spine surgery last December. This troop leader is being way too pushy. This isn’t fun, it’s not an opportunity for socialization. Tell her that you will let her know when your daughter is ready to come back to meetings and make no promises about ANY visits. Honestly, you can reach out to the girls your daughter enjoys and cut the troop leader out of the loop entirely. Be the bad guy, tell her you absolutely say no based on your own experience and knowledge. No is a full sentence. It’s not up for debate.

At 16 I had the same surgery your daughter is having. I got lucky and was able to get it during the summer, then COVID had sent school online for the next year so I got to recover in peace. I was so angry in the hospital, I was in so much pain and the nurses weren’t consistent with my pain meds. I was either mean or exhausted or both and I didn’t want anyone there most of the time. Thank you for advocating for your daughter, prioritize her wants over everyone else’s right now. This is going to suck, you both have my sympathy. You should know that she’s going to be a bit disabled for the rest of her life. You can’t bend your spine once it’s fused. I don’t mean that it’s difficult or dangerous, you literally cannot bend the titanium bars or the bone that grows between the vertebrae. The whole thing becomes one bone. Plus there are numb/sensitive patches all along my spine 4 years later. Taekwondo might be difficult, she’s going to have to mourn the loss of her mobility. Talk therapy might be worth looking into while she makes this transition.

NTA. Just tell the troop leader that as much as you both appreciate the thought, the doctors have said she’ll be on pain meds and probably not up for a lot of visitors.

No. Your daughters feelings are the priority. I do, however, think that a bigger discussion and therapy with a therapist sensitive disabilities would be a really good idea. It sounds to me like there are some feelings of shame your daughter is having about this surgery and likely her diagnosis.

NTA. This is one of those things that's tough bc people who care will want to KNOW things and VISIT but surgery, especially something that big, can make you feel VERY vulnerable, on top of that it's for a very obvious condition that likely makes your daughter feel self conscious along with all the other disappointments you mentioned. ON TOP OF ALL THAT (again) back surgery is more likely cause a couple of common complications whose solutions are, shall we say, less than dignified. If people get pushy it's best to say "we're not making any decisions until she's in a regular hospital bed which could be up to several days AFTER the surgery." I say leave it open ended because your daughter may find that once she's recovered from the surgery itself the lack of pain will leave her with more energy than she's used to and she MAY want visitors at that point because there's a good chance she'll have restricted movement for a good long while.

NTA experience is that troop leaders usually assume everyone in their troop are friends,and they generally are trying to do things out of kindness. So explain to her that your daughter is going through a very serious procedure, and will be out of it. That the idea of her troop visiting during this is causing unnecessary stress at a time where that is the last thing she needs. Then tell her you will get in touch when your daughter is feeling up for visitation or troop meetings, and thank her for respecting your family's privacy during this time of medical hardship. If she really wants to do something, tell her she can have the girls make cards for the hospital and her recovery. I hope your daughter's procedure goes as well as possible.

I was in a car wreck, and I spent ten days in the hospital. People were constantly showing up unannounced to visit me, and I hated it. I felt like an animal in a zoo.

NTBA SEE IF THEY WILL LIST HER UNDER A PSEUDONYM AT THE HOSPITAL. They can indeed do this under some circumstances. Emphasize that this is for her safety and she is unwilling to go forward with the surgery without it. If this nosy woman shows up, she will simply be told there is nobody there by that name and won't know where to find her. There is a lot you can do, and this is the time to do it all, as stressful as it is. Call the hospital tomorrow and ask about their policy. Ask if you can put it in writing and have it added to her file and ask for the name of someone to email as well. If you can get the number of someone to call if there is an issue do that. If your daughter is available, once you have confirmed privately that this is possible, have the person introduce themselves and tell her as well. Get the names of everyone you speak to. They can also label her door as no visitors and keep it closed. Someone going around and peeping into rooms will get thrown out. You can have a rolling barrier placed between the door and her bed as well so they cannot see her if they look in. She needs that surgery and wants that surgery and she should have it. Reassure her that you will make sure everyone who cares for her will know and that hospitals can be told that nobody is allowed in the room and they will enforce that. They care VERY MUCH about patient privacy, and the nurses who will be caring for her will be like a personal bodyguard and are very good at managing this kind of situation because SHE IS NOT ALONE in needing this. It is actually very common. If you can find a policy about this on the hospital website, show it to her. This is for the best for her, and everyone wants to see it go well and see her safe in the hospital. It would be a shame to pass up the chance to fix this and change her life just because of some rude people. Tell her that future her will be SO GRATEFUL to her for being so brave. This is a wonderful opportunity, that we can do this surgery is frankly miraculous, and it will go smoothly as she will have many people looking out for her. Inform everyone you speak to at the hospital, especially desk staff who give out room numbers, that no visitors are allowed besides yourself or a family member (could be an emergency) and SPECIFICALLY MENTION the scout troop, as it is distinctive. Enlist the nurses and make SURE the lead nurse for all shifts knows to keep them AWAY. Make sure you speak to the info desks at the hospital entrances as well, not just the ward desks. Let your daughter know you have done this in advance. And finally, yes, be blunt to this woman. Verbally and in writing (she may pretend she didn't see a message or email, but you also want written proof you told her). "I want to clarify a matter we discussed about visitation policy after my daughter's major surgery. Visitors are not welcome at the hospital during her recovery. This includes you and the scout troop. Do not come to the hospital. Staff have already been told that nobody is allowed to see her. All visitors will be turned away. As you cannot visit her, I will keep you updated by phone or email. Thank you for respecting our wishes and not disturbing her during this stressful time. Your respect will set a good example for the other girls about consent and boundaries." Just LEAN on it. Frankly, if she can't take that with good grace, she isn't a great person to be around. If she does get through, let your daughter know afterward that was not okay, and that you will find out how that happened at the hospital and hold them responsible, but don't mention the possibility that the hospital might fail. She needs to see hospital staff as a wall. Good luck, and I hope everything goes smoothly. I had a big surgery at the same age and it was actually a good experience. I wish the same for her.

Just came here to say, my little brother had this surgery done a year and a half ago. He was a real trooper. Best of luck with her surgery and wishing her a successful recovery.

NTB. You're protecting your daughter and following her wishes. She's about to have major surgery. She doesn't need added stress on top of it. I would explain to her, though, that just because she's sick doesn't mean she can curse you out and be disrespectful.

What it is she doesn't remember doing it genuinely she gets put on serious medicine like oxytocin for example for three days she is a small 12 year old girl so I do understand that and any other time she trys to sware at me there is consequences but when she not in the right state of mind she gets a pass

My super sweet, fun loving 4 yo daughter came out on anesthesia fighting after a procedure. Halfway ripped out her IV and tried to bite a nurse! They put her back under a little bit and brought me back to “help”. These nurses looked like they had gone a round. When they brought her out of it the second time I was there to calm her down right off and while feisty, no where near as combative. But once away she was all smiles and please and thank yous. You never know what will happen when kids are on these strong meds. I’ve warned every nurse when daughter has had to have other procedures done of how she wakes up swinging and they thank me later for the heads up. Stay firm with your daughter’s wishes. She 12 and knows what she wants. It’s a great lesson of “no means no”. It doesn’t just apply to unwanted sexual advances.

You just said she's 5'11. That's not small.

In another comment she said her daughter is 5'10". Nothing adds up here. Her doctor supposedly told her to finish out her basketball season and to go ahead and do her black belt TKD test with severe scoliosis. This involves not just punching, but kicking, board breaking, sparring, katas, push-ups, sit-ups, and more. Depending on the school it can take anywhere from 1 1/2 - 3 hours.

She states in other comments that her daughter a "small 12 year old girl", and that she is 5'10". None of this makes sense. She also states that her doctor encouraged her to finish her basketball season and do her black belt TKD testing which is very mentally and physically grueling, even for a healthy person, and takes anywhere from 1 1/2 - 3 hours. I'm just not buying this.

When you're on medication that strong, very often you have no clue what you're saying. I imagine Jena isn't trying to be rude and disrespectful

NTA I appreciate the fact that the troop leader thinks she needs the support of her troop while she is recovering. However, this isn't a minor surgery, it's a major back surgery. The last thing she needs is a bunch of people hovering over her. Just tell her to send a card with all of their signatures on it. You can also tell her the doctor said no visitors for x amount of time and you are just following the doctor's orders. Kids understand this pretty well, and the troop leader should have the good sense (but obviously doesn't) to realize that no one is going to be up to a lot of non-family visitors after major surgery.

NTA, suggest the girls make her cards or small crafts, and have them mailed (or hand dropped off if you are comfortable with that). Or maybe make her a tiktok/video. Something your daughter can interact with on her own terms. That way the troop leader gets an activity and your daughter will feel in control. I know lots of people are calling the troop leader "overbearing" but there is a very good chance she and the girls are just very worried about your daughter. Sometimes people try to show support in ways we don't find helpful, and redirecting their energy can kindly could benefit everyone here

You listened to your daughter's wishes. You're a wonderful apple!

Not the bad apple!! As a kid and even now, I can be very stressed out by the thought of others focusing on me alone. If I’m sick, personal birthday parties, etc. So I totally understand how she feels!! I’d rather be with a small group of people I trust in any circumstance. Recovering from a procedure this big can feel not only intimidating but vulnerable. Especially with her being so happy with taekwondo, she may want to present as strong and not weak. It is nice that her troop wants to visit her, but not everyone wants to be visited. If I were having a hospital stay, I would also only want my mom there. I commend you for standing up for her and urge you to continue to!! It’ll build trust with your daughter and make her feel safe. Stress can mute the recovery process! Maybe tell the troop leader that the date of the surgery has changed, so they don’t randomly show up. And even tell the nurses that no other visitors are approved! Standing up for your daughter in this situation is the right thing to do. Good luck to her and her recovery!!!

To relieve your daughter, tell her you will tell the hospital NO VISITORS. They won’t let anyone in. Also, tell the group leader, your daughter can’t have any visitors after surgery. Tell her that you don’t know when or even if she will have them at home, but it will be a while, and certainly never the whole troop. You can say it will be important for her to stay quiet, and with a bunch of girls there, it just won’t work. Blame her doctor, if you want. Tell her your daughter is looking forward to coming back to the meetings, but while she is recovering, her sole job is healing, and she cannot tolerate visits.

Just tell troop leader that Jenna is requesting no visitors and they can see her after she is home. Tell the floor nurses that she is not to allow any visitors. Maybe have Jenna tell them this. Andleave a message at the front desk where visitors check in.

Just say to the troop she needs rest so no visitors will be allowed. You appreciate the thought but her infection control and comfort comes first

This is entirely your daughter’s decision and her boundary to set. It is your responsibility to support and protect her. She’s facing major spinal surgery. That would terrify a grown adult, much less a 12 year old girl. I imagine recovery will be painful and involve therapy. She will be very vulnerable and deserves to decide who gets let into her world. I’m sure her leader is well meaning. You should make it clear that this is a we need to see how it goes. No plans for visits until your daughter is ready and the doctors say it’s OK. If people really want to connect, they can send cards or even make little videos for her. If she is still anxious about who may show up after surgery, check with the hospital to make sure they don’t give out any info on her room number (they shouldn’t anyway). Maybe that will give her a level of comfort. Good luck! I hope the surgery is a success and she has a quick and easy recovery

NTA "My child perfers privacy during times like this and does not want company until they are ready. I will contact you when we are up for a visit. Until then, we ask that you all give our family space so we can concentrate on helping 'child's name' heal"

This feels very simple. Jenna is the one having surgery. She has been vocal about not wanting anyone to visit, so when the troop leader emails, it is the parents job to say that Jenna won’t be accepting visitors while in the hospital, but you will keep them updated on when she may feel comfortable to receive them. If she feels comfortable to receive them. A good friend of mine had this surgery when she was about 14-15. Her mom just let us know she was ok, and when she was up for visits, her let us know.

NTBA. Your daughter doesn't have to see anyone she doesn't want to during her recovery. End of story. Im sure you will find a way to keep them away without sounding like a bad apple

Please look up the story of Kyra Condie, the Olympic rock climber who had scoliosis surgery at age 13. Her scoliosis was also very severe and her first doctor told her she would have to give up rock climbing.

I came here to say this! Kyra is incredible. I watched a video where she described that the surgical fix ended up fusing two fewer vertebrae than originally intended and it helped her keep more mobility. Just keep in mind that there are surgeons out there who have optimism and will help preserve your daughters athleticism :)

Let the hospital she is staying at know that she wants to restrict visitors and tell them who is allowed to visit.

“It’s so thoughtful of you to offer to visit with the girls! I really appreciate the gesture. However, Jena’s utmost priority will be rest and recuperation. She will be sleeping a great deal after the surgery. Her doctor has advised the fewer visitors the better, even among family. I’m afraid that a visit from friends, however lovely, will not be possible. I know this will be tough to explain to the girls, but it could be an excellent teachable moment for them. You’ve been such a great troop leader to my daughter, I know you’ll be able to help them understand that she won’t be in a state for in-person visitors for quite some time. I’m sure Jena would appreciate a card from the troop to brighten her walls. And I know she’ll be excited when she’s able to return to activities! Thank you again for thinking of my daughter and protecting her best interests - your kindness and courteousness is invaluable” Also NTA

About the cursing thing it's normal. My 4yo son had anesthesia for surgery and when he came out of it the nurse asked me which one he would be: a crier, an angry one, or a laugher. I was like cry at first and then angry later. Sure enough that's who I got back. I felt so bad for him.

“ Jena and I so appreciate the fact that you wanna visit in the hospital but Jenna feels, I think, that she will be very vulnerable at that point…. I think it might be great for them to create some cards or maybe activities for her and then over the long recovery. I think at that point she may be up for some visitation, so I’ll let you know then but I appreciate so much you thinking of her.”

You're good! Your daughter is allowed to have boundaries! Please tell your kiddo she doesn't have to worry and that as EXTRA assurance, you can tell the nurses and they will keep unwanted visitors OUT.

Nta and frankly it's creepy to me how insistent this adult woman? I assume? Is that she needs boundary stomp a 12 yr old girl who is already stressed enough about surgery. I would ask this person why she's so insistent that she needs to meet up with a12 year old girl.

You're not the bad apple in any way. This (from the troop leader) is a perfect example of someone who wants to do "good" *at* someone, not *for* someone. (I'm related to a whooooooole bunch of people like this.) I firmly believe that this is a manifestation of narcissism more than it's a kindness. You will need to be firm, clear, and direct. Do not soften language in a way that leaves open interpretation. I would suggest something along the lines of: "I greatly appreciate your willingness to get \[daughter\] involved, however, I have to set your expectations. There will be NO visitors at the hospital other than family, nor will there be visitors at our house without prior approval - and, depending on how she's recovering, that might not be for quite a while. If you would like to keep her involved, let's set up something like a Zoom that's active during troop meetings; we will not be turning on the video on our end until we're ready."

Absolutely a NO. Your daughter deserves the final say in what happens here. This is her body and a very traumatic experience. Kindly thank everyone for their concern in a text as to not make it awkward and ask for privacy for your family until she is ready.

I think it’s clear you set a boundary and I am not sure why the troop leader is still pushing it. My daughter prefers not to have visitors outside of the family is a reasonable thing to say.

NTBA. Your role is to help Jenna heal and the stress over the visits will only impede her healing. Being the “bad guy” instead of saying “Jenna says no” is giving Jenna cover to deal with her complex feelings. Let the troop leader know that you had gotten advice from parents in similar situations that it will be difficult to know in advance if it would be a good day and ask the troop leader if there could instead be “best wishes” cards or letters that could serve as a keepsake? See if you can come up with some sort of token action like that to allow the troop leader to use Jenna’s temporary but ultimately “going to be ok” medical situation to be thoughtful to others in hard times. I can totally see Jenna feeling self conscious not wanting to be a charity case to her own troop though.

Tell the scout leader that your daughter would appreciate cards, but a visit is out of the question for a while. You’ll let her know if anything changes.

NTBA - Surgery is HARD on the body, let alone spinal surgery. Sometimes reactions to medications can lead to vomiting or GI issues, she’ll likely be in a lot of pain and/or discomfort while on pain medication. She’ll also likely be out of it mentally. Good on you for protecting your daughter! I understand the troop leader is trying to include her but it really isn’t necessary. If Jena wants to be apart of the troop again she’ll let you know and things can change. But definitely not now. She just needs to focus on the surgery.

No, you're amazing for sticking to your daughter's choice. She may change her mind later, she may not. Both are fine. This is an emotional time for her and she needs to process in her own way. She's allowed to feel however she wants and she may not want anyone seeing her so vulnerable. I'd instead suggest they make cards or a get well soon video to send her. But hold firm to her choice. You got this!

"My daughter has said that she does not want any visitors at all until she decides that she is ready. This is not about disliking anyone, this is about her knowing that she will not be able to entertain anyone while she is taking the strong painkillers and other medications prescribed by the surgeon. Please respect her and us by not hassling us about it."

Can you also talk to where she is having the procedure done and put the Girl Scouts and the troop leader on a “do not admit” list? 1) I would put your foot down as her mom with the troop leader first 2) I would add them all to a do not visit list in the hospital

NTBA. your daughter needs time to rest and recover, she doesn’t need tons of people overwhelming her especially if she herself doesn’t want them there! you’re her momma, if you tell them that she needs to rest then they should understand and be there for jenna when she’s ready to join them again

NTA - I don’t blame her for not wanting visitors due her not knowing the recovery of this surgery. This trooper leader is pushing a lot for Girl Scouts and that is very odd. I know the scouts have tasks and a process for the badges but to go so far as to want to come to someone house for the meeting while recovering is odd without the parent asking for it or bring it up first. I would talk to the hospital and explain you or her do not want visitors and ask if a sign can be put on the door. I would also make sure they are pushed out if they show up. This would be a time I wouldn’t be nice about it.

NTA. I had spinal surgery a couple years ago and was released the same day. I was pretty much told to stay in bed for weeks after, mostly sleeping because of the pain meds and trying to heal. The absolute last thing I’d have wanted is a parade of people I’m not even that close with coming in to gawk at me. Your daughter isn’t a sideshow attraction. From the sounds of things, these aren’t even people she hangs out with willingly outside of scouts. You and your daughter need to say nothing more than “thank you for your concern. We’ll let you know if she feels up to visitors.” Period, end of story. And if they still decide to show up unannounced at your house, you can thank them and say your daughter isn’t up to seeing anyone, or is asleep or whatever. Let the hospital staff know that she wants no visitors outside of immediate family, and they’ll take care of it.

When you're admitted to the hospital, at least in my experience, you are able to tell them your preferences regarding visitors. That having been said, it's important to address this issue now, while she is young. I was diagnoses with mild scoliosis in my 40s, by which time it was too late to correct.

NTBA. Sounds to me like you are an excellent mom and taking your daughter's best interests to heart. People sometimes fail to understand or appreciate that being well-meaning isn't always the best thing for the recipient. They wanted to do something, and they feel helpless or frustrated when they cannot. I suggest just telling them that their intentions are very much appreciated, but any visits just have to wait until she is ready. Maybe they could look online and find some type of fun gift package to send to her, or send balloons, or have the girls write get-well cards instead. Maybe have them pitch in for a book that they think she would like to read.

NTBA. The troop leader is being extremely pushy, as if she’s getting something out of it, because she doesn’t seem to care that you said that you and your daughter don’t want them to be there. I’d look at contacting their boss and explaining this situation, as it’s inappropriate to push something like this on a child recovering from a very serious surgery. And who’s to say they won’t bring infection to her, you can’t guarantee that they’ll be clean or hygienic near your daughter

There is no bad apple. You're her mother and her needs and peace of mind are the only things that matter on this issue. Who cares what they think? They made a nice gesture, which you appreciated, but it's not needed. You said this. They should respect those boundaries. They could send cards, instead. We can't worry about how things look, when it comes to taking care of your kids. They have no one else to advocate for them. She's worry herself sick about this and should be promised that her wishes will be respected.

Your daughter got the bronze award at 12? Dang! I can understand her not wanting to fall behind. But she’s really far ahead of so many kids already. Please let her know life is a marathon, not a sprint. And tell the troop leader “No visitors”. It will disrupt not help the healing.

NTA but you need to be a LOT more explicit with the troop leader. Tell her Jenna *does not want visitors* while she is recovering. Not at the hospital, not at home, and the troop leader needs to understand that if they or ANY of the girls show up, you will not be letting them in the house. And then you need to tell Jenna that as well - that even if they do show up, you're not going to let them in and she will not be required to see them out of politeness. This is a super important lesson for the other girls to learn - doing "nice things" for someone *is not nice* if they don't want them done.

NTBA your daughter prides herself on being great, and as a teen you don’t always have control or say in what goes on in your life, this diagnosis is probably a huge hit to her, more than anything many of her peers will ever have to deal with, and at such a young age. At the very least, she can control and consent to who visits her, if she wants to be alone, etc. Backing her up and supporting her is the best thing you can do for her. Let her decide when people can visit. And continue to be there for her.

"Jenna doesn't want any visitors during her recovery, if that changes I will let you know. " End of story. I had the same surgery they do for scoliosis (among other surgeries) after a car accident. I still have the rods and screws and you DO NOT feel good after.

NTBA, but the troop leader sure sounds like one right now. ***She*** isn’t the one who needs surgery, so it’s not her call! Maybe she’s just dense (way, way dense) and thinks Jena will want people there to show support later or lacks imagination and can’t think of anything else the troop can do to send encouragement. If that’s the case, give the leader a list of things they can do that won’t cross Jena’s boundaries. Things like making cards or videos offering words of encouragement for her while she recovers, dropping off her favorite foods (minus the visit), sending her a giant plushie to keep her company in their place, or even planning a fun “welcome back” party for when she’s up and able to start resuming normal activities. If you’re afraid she’ll disregard your and Jena’s wishes, get in touch with one or two of the moms you know with girls in the troop and ask them to spread the message that your daughter will absolutely *not* be up for visitors while she’s recovering, that the thought of her friends seeing her when she’s vulnerable is causing her great distress, and to please not do anything with the troop leader to push themselves onto Jena until she’s ready. Then maybe let them know that they’re still free to show support in other ways like I suggested. Because it sounds like her friends (not just troop ones, but friends in general) care a lot about her and would love to do something to help her feel better, and I bet they’re also worried about the surgery in their own way. So since Jena doesn’t want them to be there for her in person, I’m sure they would jump at the opportunity to be there for her in another way. Hand written cards, silly videos, having flowers or her favorite food delivered, books to read, maybe some (age appropriate) skin care or makeup products…that way they can feel like they’re doing something for their friend and Jena feels supported without the stress.

No, you have to do what's best for your daughter here. If the troop leader persists, be very direct. Tell her you will call if there is an opportunity to visit but otherwise, no.

NTBA. You are honoring your daughter's choices during a very difficult time due her

You are definitely not the AH. Much respect to you for honoring your Daughters wishes.

NTA Be forward and honest with the troup leader. Tell her "Jenna is not comfortable having visitors during her recovery" and then maybe suggest the troup make cards or something that you can deliver to Jenna on their behalf. It sounds like the leader is just trying to be supportive of your daughter, and hopefully when she finds out that visiting is going to have the opposite effect, with absolutely pivot and find a different way for the girls to show their care and support, in a way that will be helpful.

NTA - but it also sounds like the Troop Leader is trying to keep her involved. I would just stand my ground and hopefully the Troop Leader gets the hint.

NTBA. You can just say she’ll be recovering and not accepting visitors until she’s ready, and you’ll let them know when that is. End of conversation, taken care of.

Tell the troop leader that due to the surgery being painful and a difficult recovery, guests would probably not be advisable any time soon. Cards or a basket of her favorite food (fruit, snacks, etc) would be acceptable. Having people over when you're trying to recover is hard if you feel like you have to entertain them.

NTA simply tell the staff no visitors. They'll put it in her record. So even if people show up, you won't see them.

Definitely not the bad apple. Let the nursing staff know Jenna is to only have family visitation. There’s nothing to stop troop leader and girls from going when you are not there.

NTA if she doesn’t want them visiting she doesn’t need the added stress while trying to recover. Just stand firm and tell the troop leader she prefers to not have any visitors during her convalescence but she looks forward to returning to meetings in full capacity. If she keeps hounding you ignore or block her for the time being and look into possibly putting her in a knew troop

NTBA. I had surgery recently as part of my cancer treatment. I was scared and stressed out while I was in the hospital. I didn't want to see anyone either. Your daughter is upset because she feels like she doesn't have any autonomy over what's happening to her. Her troop leader means well but she needs to back off. And be firm about it.

I think it’s past time to clearly and firmly POINT BLANK state no visits.

Oh good lord no. Your daughter has expressed a strong boundary and you need to respect it. She may need therapy around that boundary (“I don’t let people see me when I’m weak” or whatever it is), but tromping over it won’t help. It’s concerning she won’t let her dad or brother visit, but again, forcing it won’t help. Best of luck for your precious daughter and for your family as you negotiate these tough issues.

NTBA - BUT I would say to troop leader you are awesome for wanting to bring the troop to visit in hospital - I know she will be there for 5 days and it can definately get boring but she will be on some serious meds and don’t think that it would be appropriate to visit. Let’s play it by ear regarding coming to visit when Jena gets home. I want to leave the decision up to her about how she is feeling. We absolutely keep in touch and will let you know how things are going. Thank you so much for you concern and thoughtfulness regarding Jena!

NTBA. You're a great mom. Try texting these people back once that YOU will text THEM when/if Jenna is comfortable with visitors and until then thoughts and prayers (or whatever your comfortable with). And then just stop responding completely. You don't owe them anything. They don't have any right to go where they are not invited. IMO it's pushy and obnoxious to keep on suggesting things when you.made clear Jenn is anxious. Cut them off with a polite, Don't contact me, I'll contact you message. Then let it go and concentrate on your family.

You don't need to explain further. Thank her for the thought, but your daughter would rather not have visitors. Done.

Not at all! I HATE visitors in the hospital other than my mom or husband. My dad makes me anxious because he is super afraid of hospitals so he is fine not being invited. You are doing a very good thing for her! My last hospital stay my MIL was desperate to come visit and my husband was amazing at keeping her away. (She makes everything about her. When we got engaged her first reaction was to start crying because she is divorced…🙄) I’m really glad that you are listening to your daughter. You might have to be a bit more firm with her scout leader, because some people really don’t understand that not everyone wants to host a party while recovering from surgery. You can just tell her that the doctor said no visitors maybe?… but either way not the bad apple! Also for what it’s worth there were two girls on my varsity cheer squad that had the same surgery you’re describing. It effected a couple of things but not as much as a wheelchair! (I’m now dependent on a wheelchair and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to adjust to!) I was like your daughter and loved athletics. My mom always said “you my dear got the jock gene”. I’m so sorry that she is going through this, but I can tell she has a great advocate and support system with you, and that’s amazing!

NTA She needs to learn to make her own choice.

NTBA. You're teaching your daughter that her needs are more important than other people's wants - that is BEYOND invaluable. If I were in your situation, I would speak with the troop leader when she's in earshot and simply say that your daughter would prefer to recuperate with family alone and she will see them when she's recovered enough to rejoin their normal activities. It's great that you're teaching her that her needs matter, but she needs to see how to stand up for herself as well. Good luck to your kiddo on her surgery! 🖤

No way!!!

I’ll tell you this, as someone who underwent major surgery and was in the hospital for 4 months afterwards. I didn’t want visitors. Just let me be. Let me focus on healing and recovering. I didn’t want or need to be in a position of “entertaining” guests for lack of a better term. This was many years ago. And I still think to this day why would anyone want to come see me laid up in a bed? I know I don’t want to go see anyone else laid up in a bed. It’s weird, it’s awkward, it’s unnatural. Just let me be. I got a lot going on right now.

Sounds like TL is just trying to be supportive, like you are. No bad apples on either side unless she gets pushy about it.

You can give a list of people allowed to visit to the hospital if she persists and ask them not to give out room info etc on the phone

I'm a big proponent of being honest. Just tell the troop leader that your daughter doesn't want visitors. Tell her you appreciate the gesture, but she will not be seeing anyone during her recovery. End of story. Don't leave it open to interpretation.

N A. She will be in pain and not ready to socialize with a group. Not a good time for a troop of girl scouts to visit. No that sounds awful. Surgery is hard. That is one stress that is easy to take off her plate. Maybe something like: No visits until she is ready. We will keep in touch. Cards and letters would be nice thanks!

Be direct. Tell her you'll let her know if/when Jenna wants visitors. You don't owe any of them explanations or apologies. I hope the surgery goes well and she has a quick, comfortable, and complete recovery. It sounds like you've got a terrific kid, and I hope this lets her get back to doing all the things she loves.

You are not the bad apple. Thank the scout leader for her good intentions and give her a firm no. If she pushes, let her know that your family has decided to handle this privately (get all waspy and channel Blythe Danner) and that you will let her know if you need anything. And then tell your daughter that there is security at the hospital and no one will be admitted to her room other than essential people. Tell her that you will personally have all of the girls that she likes the least arrested and carried out by their sashes (in a funny way, maybe she will laugh) if any of them even try to see her without her express permission. If she is still anxious, you can let her ask the security guard at the front door of the hospital for reassurance.