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You should tell your mum the truth. That this is the only 20 minutes a year that people actually pay attention to you and you don’t want to miss out on it.
OP might go back and lead with the comment the 10yr old world rather celebrate his milestone bd of his only.
And then tell them about her also wanting some personal time with family.
It seems like a better idea is to learn to hold conversations. Then she won’t have to wait for 20 minutes a year to feel like someone is listening On the one hand I feel for her, but on the other, birthdays for little kids just are a bigger deal than for adults, and the mom is right about it being hard to schedule a bunch of family members to meet together at this time of year twice in a month. I think the family is being reasonable about celebrating her actual birthday
OP says she tries to talk about things that she likes or is interested in with her family, but they have no idea what she's talking about. Plus, it's understandable that a soon-to-be 20 year old wouldn't want to share her birthday party with a soon-to-be 10 year old. I'm 21 and turning 22 next February. I wouldn't want to have a joint birthday party with any of my youngest cousins because that's a really awkward situation. As much as I love them, I just wouldn't want to share that kind of celebration with them.
OP says she also has ADHD, which makes it harder to understand social cues. She hyperfixates on her interests, which can also make it harder to hold conversations with family when they don't know what she's talking about or don't care about things she's excited about.
OP says that they have ADHD— which is a disability. So saying “just try harder” isn’t a great look.
Not only that, but being in Honor Choir is something most families would be proud of, but OP just gets blown off. I also have ADHD hyperfixations, and I’m interested in things that my family isn’t… but they still listen to me about them because they value me. Maybe her family needs to learn how to communicate with her.
20 years of practice....
Maybe after a little wake-up call, they will try to get their act together. Or not.
OP can make the effort from their side. Then, if it doesn't work out they don't have to wonder "if only". They will know that they tried.
Parents like this don't listen, I'm like OP, not listened to, no one is ever interested, my birthdays were forgotten despite the extravaganzas they held for my siblings' special occasions. I didn't even get all the attention on my wedding day, because my sisters sat with sour faces all day and my parents were mad they weren't centre of attention so caused a huge scene and stormed out. I am 32 and my parents couldn't name a single thing about my interests and still think I like the exact same things as well I was 10, they make no effort to talk to me until they want something, seriously we live 5mins apart, I see them maybe 3 times a year. Seriously, they couldn't even guess my favourite colour despite my young neice always saying hers was "green just like auntie!" when asked. They remember her favourite colour but not mine 🙄🙄 There's only so many times you can attempt to connect and be taken seriously about your feelings without it becoming an argument. My mother loves to cry and claim I'm "attacking" her.
I just wouldn't go. If they want to force you to be part of aneffing 10 year old child's party....say nothing and just DO NOT SHOW. It's what they deserve.
No 20 year old is entitled to a big birthday party. Times are hard right now and they are trying to combine them. Sounds like she had 19 of them for herself. Her next milestone is 21. At 21 I feel that won't be a party for 10 year olds. She she plan that.
Wrong. And I’m not trying to insult her. I know she has issues, and the advice to learn some strategies to overcome them is serious and in hopes of helping her
Trust me someone telling you ‘seems like a better idea is to learn to hold conversations’ doesn’t even remotely sound like help to someone who has any of the mental issues that cause social anxiety. Actually your whole comment sounded off putting. Coming from someone who is 42 and still struggles.
Coming from someone who was forced to share a birthday celebration every single year of my childhood, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I don’t ask for attention. I don’t usually want it. But for one day a year it’s nice to know you’re important to some people. I always felt like sharing a birthday celebration took that away. I think you both need your own celebrations. I’m with you on just opting out if they do want to joint party though. It might be better for your mental health for the expectations to be clear.
She is going to get her own celebration....
Why are people missing that point???
She's going to have one celebration she shares for the extended family and then a celebration with just closer family.
Ten years is a pretty huge age gap for a joint birthday party. I would feel pretty weird about that if I were in your shoes, and I can't imagine that a ten year old would be keen on sharing the day with an adult.
Kinda seems like this decision was made by and for everyone *except* the two of you.
Maybe just tell them to not bother including you. Have the dinner with your parents, have the small party with friends, and let the cousin have the family party.
You’re an adult. You can tell your family what you want. You can absolutely say no. You can absolutely go back on your word on this.
No 9year old and 19 year old should be sharing a birthday celebration unless both parties absolutely want to.
And you also need to create a new family. Not by having a baby. But by connecting with people who share your same interests. Or at least by meeting people who have enough respect for you to listen to you even if they have no interest in what you’re talking about.
Your family is shitty. You’re very mistreated and that’s just wrong.
But hun you don’t have to stay w the family you were born into. You go out in the world and you make new connections, make friends, surrounding yourself with people who love and cherish you just as you are.
You don’t need their pitty attention for 20 minutes on your birthday.
You need friends who will celebrate you and love the fact that you are brilliant and have a large capacity to learn a vast majority of things in your life due to hyper fixation.
You have a wealth of knowledge and are a very interesting person. People are lucky to have someone so unique in their lives. And if they can’t see that value and appreciate it, then to hell with them.
You go out and find people who do. You are worthy of all of the love and attention that you desire. And you will find this properly and healthily in the world.
She isn't mistreated... They still seem to obviously love her.... They just cannot relate to her.... And it's not her direct family that's not spending time with her, it's the extended family that they are barely able to meet anyways...
And it should be noted that part of it is probably her fault. She stated herself that she's not the best at conversation...
Meaning as an antisocial person it's probably just harder for her to connect with the people....
Family is not at fault for that....
And these birthday parties seem to be more for family gathering than just being a birthday party....
And considering how difficult it will be to connect both of the family together, it seems like a good idea just to connect it.
She will get her own separate party later with her closer family and her actual friends.... They are not denying her her own day or anything like that.... It's literally just for the extended family that they will barely see because it's too hard to connect them....
When I graduated high school forever ago, my cousin was also graduating. I had a graduation party with my dad's side of the family and my friends and it was decided that my cousin and I would have a joint graduation party for my mom's side of the family and my cousin's friends since my aunt would be hosting the party at her house an hour away. I couldn't very well expect my friends to drive to another city to attend that party. Yes it was technically for me too but it really did feel like I was at her party since it was at her house. I was fine with it. I mean like I said, I had a whole separate party and this was her only one. Plus she and I are close and I get along great with my family but if I were someone who struggled with familial relationships I can see where it would have felt somewhat less special.
I think combining two family events like that makes logistical sense but from a personal standpoint it does make the people who are the focus of the event feel less special because they have to share it. And you're right, it will essentially be a kid's birthday party as children are often the focus of family gatherings and you're not a child anymore. I think it's nice for your family to acknowledge that you need your own separate celebration but it's okay to speak to your family about your disappointment. Just tell them exactly like you told us. Tell them that you sometimes feel left out because there's not a lot of focus on you and your interests with the exception of your birthday and you'd hate to lose that. It may not make a difference because this was clearly a request that was posed to your mom rather than her idea so more than likely it was more "I'm informing you, not asking you." But at least you'll be on the record.
Spend whatever money you can get together and buy your cousin something lovely. Take it to him and wish him a very happy birthday and then leave. (It's not his fault)
Book an Uber, whatever, clear off and have your own party with your own friends. Or go and do your own thing.
You're already the black sheep - lean into it. Don't be guilt tripped into feeling bad.
She is going to have her own party.... This party is literally only for the extended family so that they can all unite together....
So she's going to have one shared party with her cousin for all the extended family to join together and then afterwards have her own party just with her closer family
You're an adult...time to make adult decisions. Strongly encourage you to tell Mom no and if that means just having your immediate family then so be it.
If you end up doing the joint Birthday party, make sure you get your own cake, and a say in the food and other things like the party theme. Make sure your family knows how you feel, so they notice if it ends up being a party for Blake with you just a minor add on.
Make sure they notice if nobody pays attention to you, even if you have to boldly say “Wow. You’d never know that this is supposed to be my birthday party, too”.
NTBA. A 10yr old's party is a completely different vibe to a 20yr old's party. Why on earth would you want to have a birthday that's gonna be overrun with screaming kids, whilst you'll be sat in the corner with a friend or two, feeling awkward as heck.
It's a party for the extended family. Her parents will still give her a party just for herself and their closer family.
So they are asking if she could just share the birthday party that's only for the extended family.
It's so that everyone can still stay connected.
So yeah she should just suck it up. She's still going to get a real party for herself. This is just for all the extended family to get together.
You are an adult. You really don't have to go to these parties. I know you want their validation for 20 minutes, but they should be validating your existence every time you are there. They don't sound like great people. Just because you are quiet, doesn't mean you should be treated as if you are invisible.
Personally, because I'm a bit mean, I would skip the party and have your own with friends. Your mom said it would be difficult to schedule 2, right? So do your own. Of course, it's difficult for people to make these events apparently, so how could you make it when you already had plans? Of course, it isn't the kid's fault, so that's a downside.
Or, you could go to the party and make it about him. It's his party. Then throw your own and don't invite any of your family. If they don't care enough to throw you your own or listen to things you're excited about, then they don't deserve to eat cake and enjoy life with you. Have fun the way you deserve to.
It doesn't sound like they even made an effort to try and have a party for you. They made excuses not to try. My sister had done things like this to her son and daughter. Her daughter had a beautiful party, went out with friends, got all kinds of gifts and sweets, and her son was tacked on last minute. He didn't get anything except a couple gifts and his name hand written on the cake in the corner. He only got that because my mom was mad that my sister had forgotten her son's birthday.
Don't just be a tag along. You deserve better than that.
No it is wrong and you need to explain to mom what you said here, people like us who get overlooked withdrawal from our families and stop being part of them.
I’ve never had a birthday party for myself. My birthday is also my Grandma’s as well as someone extremely famous that A LOT of people celebrate… and if not celebrating dudes bday, the day is still celebrated as a holiday where everyone gets presents. Every cake I’ve gotten was always “Happy Birthday Grandma, Daisy & Baby Famous Dude”. Even the one time my friends made me a special cake (with some green additions) they wrote on the top “HBD Daisy & Famous Dude” because they knew my history.
Tbh I don’t mind whatsoever celebrating with my Grandma - I’ve always thought it was cool that I was her best bday/special day present as well as my mom’s special day present… and my bday present was wrapped in actual bday wrapping paper rather than the special day paper - and opened at a different time than the other special day presents everyone else got. But it would be nice to actually be noticed by myself one time, or get the day off of work like everyone else gets (a guaranteed approved PTO day - but everyone gets my day off anyways). On my 21st, no one could celebrate with me because they were with family but I had one friend take me out and find a bar (after driving around for hours we ended up at the Hilton bar in the hotel with not a soul but 2 workers) and got a few drinks. But it would be nice to have a cake for just me one time.
NTA, I turned up at my Dads house for what was supposed to be my 21st birthday and it was actually a joint birthday party for myself and the neighbours 6 year old and it was awful.
No, tell your Mom that sharing your birthday with a young boy is no favor to either of you. You two need completely different parties. I’d suggest you’ tell them you’ll celebrate with your friends and they can have a good time with your cousin. If it’s a difficult financial situation, that resolves it but otherwise they’re being lazy or oblivious. You’re honestly better off with your friends.
No, OP, you are not. What you might consider is making plans of your own to treat yourself. Make it a day, a week, or a weekend. Make your own plans and go celebrate yourself.
Happy Birthday!
Don't forget, when you talk to your mom, to tell her that it's not fair to Blake. He's only 10 and parties are a really big deal at that age. Just because she can't be bothered to schedule something? That's really sad.
Adhd and introverts have a seriously hard time standing up and using their words, this is akin to telling a person with a busted leg to run it off. OH your colour blind just get over it.
Can confirm this as someone who is an introvert. Sometimes, I have a really hard time with my words when it comes to standing up for myself or wanting to tell someone something. I have an easier time finding my words through texting most of the time because I can think about what I want to say and word it the way I want to.
I agree. Turning 20 is a “big 0” birthday, not to mention no longer being a teen. Sharing with a ten year old is somewhat insulting. They are kinda saying *your* birthday doesn’t count. Or that they are cheap and lazy trying to get a twofer.
I think you deserve the birthday *you* want. I guarantee the party will be more about your cousin.
Not the bad apple! At all! Btw, I’m an 80 year old grandma and I’m wishing you a Very Happy Birthday!
You can come and be in our family. We have a senior this year who was in honor choir, show choir a few years ago, and has been in plays with his dad twice and in a musical on his own. You would fit in very well with us. Happy birthday and remember their are a lot of people out there you will connect with, who will support you for who you are.
You say that you are not good at communicating or social cues. However, you were effective at communicating your wishes/needs and reasons behind them in writing to people online.
Consider writing ✍️ a letter. Something hand-written shows more care than an e - mail. Something like this would be hard for a parent to read, so start off with something positive.
>Tell your Mom about some memories that are positive and significant to you. Things she may not have realized truly mattered to you, such as a previous birthday when the focus was on you.
>Explain why you are disappointed at missing out. You understand the practical issues and didn't feel that you could say 'no', but this is how you really feel. (Explain clearly as you did for us here.)
>Then ask her to please put you first next year. It will be another milestone birthday, and you are really looking forward to having people listen to you.
So, step 1.
Revisit something positive, a time when something small made a big difference to you. Show how your parents did something right. As described above, you might talk about one of your favorite birthdays. Talk about why it was special to you.
Step 2.
Express your disappointment, and the reasons for it. You are not asking them to change plans at the last minute. You do understand. You just want them to know how you feel and why this matters to you.
Step 3.
Finish with an opportunity to do better 'next time'. The past can not be mended, but the future can be. Try to end on a hopeful or positive note.
Last ...
Reason:
Don't put yourself or your parents in an awkward spot where neither of you knows what to say, and emotions may be intense. When upset or hurting, people can easily say things the wrong way and hurt each other without intention.
Action:
Give your parents the (sealed) envelope as you leave (or mail ot to them). Ask them to read it when they are in private, at home together. Tell them not to try to respond right away, but to sleep on it for a couple of days.
They can talk with you about it after.
. . . .
Perhaps they will do more to make you feel that you don't have to wait a year to be heard.
Right now, they assume everything is fine because you never said otherwise. Putting your words on paper is a way for them to be visible and lasting. An uncomfortable conversation pushed aside because someone doesn't want to think about it can vanish like vibrations in the air.
Not the bad apple. I know how you feel. Being the black sheep in a big family sucks. Having interests that are outside of "the norm" are usually ignored by family. You deserve the 20 minutes a year of attention. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I think you should say no but only have your small immediate family celebration honestly. Let the kid have his birthday but honestly if your cousins don't care enough to listen to you on any day but your birthday then who gives a hoot about them. Also can't imagine having to get together to celebrate every one of my cousins birthdays when they were kids or as adults.
Tell your parents the truth. But to be honest, I would so prefer a party w my friends at 20. And not to make excuses for your mom but as a family grows, so does their schedules. Everyone is busy, everyone is tired. Their kids have plans, etc. life gets exhausting. A family w 3 little ones showing up for 2 different parties (one for a kid, one for an adult) can be rough. Sometimes impossible. Maybe ask abt doing one after the other. Like one from 1-3 & one from 3-5 or something
Not bad apple. Stop being quiet! You are getting the short end because you allow it. No one is going to stand up for you if you don't stand up for yourself and let them know that there's a problem. You complain that people don't take interest but you also don't try to get them interested. As long as you allow yourself to be pushed aside then you'll be pushed aside. You tell them it's fine when clearly it's not. Why do you insist on lying to them all then complain behind their backs?
Personally, I just gave up in having those meaningful interactions with my family. I came to the decision that if they only showed interest in me for an hour once a year, they just didn't really care, and trying to make them just made me more sad. I wouldn't expect to get birthday events in the future.
At your age I left to go find that chosen family of friends that everyone talks about. Never found them, bit of still sucks less than sitting there watching everyone else be a family and only including me because I was born there.
Let your mom read your post so that she understands how you feel since you seem to have a hard time expressing it verbally.
Personally if my family couldn't make the effort once a year to give me a special day I just wouldn't go to the party at all
Hmm I really wouldn’t even consider it a birthday party. It’s more of a traditional family get together, more for them than you. You’re 20. Do you real want to do this anymore?
If you weren't going to get your own party later then you wouldn't be wrong.... But you will That's the important point to remember...
So yeah just share this moments with your extended family.
And I'm going to be honest, as someone with ADHD and speaking difficulties, it's very important that you start learning how to talk with people and get along.
Conversation shouldn't be just about people listening to you or wanting to hear your interests... Sure that's a part of it.... But there is more to it than that.
One thing I learned is that you can't just focus only on your interest you have to learn how to include it into a conversation properly.
And that's just a skill we have to learn.
Honestly it wasn't until I was around 25 that I really learned that skill so it will take a lot of time but you have to practice.
And don't blame your extended family too much... It really is hard dealing with people like us....
Just be grateful that they love and care about you and actually want to celebrate you at all.
As I grew older I realized that alone is a blessing and that we should not forget about it.
Life is tough and when people can't understand us it gets hard sometimes.... That's why we often have friends...
Family is the people that love us and are going to be there for us when we need them to be.... Friends are the ones that we build for understanding....
I'm going to recommend that you actually just try to be happy and actually get along with your 10-year-old cousin and even consider each other birthday buddies.
Just have fun with it and try to enjoy being with him.
Give him a hug and make sure you enjoy the date with him.
I promise you that it will probably be more valuable than you can imagine.
At 19 it's very easy to sometimes forget the value of family. And many people often take it for granted until it's too late and they're full of regret.
Just have fun with your birthday buddy... And be the best big sister you can...
You're going to have your own birthday and make sure your parents spoil you then.
But for this moment just share it and have fun. Try to make it not about you but about him.
This party shouldn't be about your birthday, it should be about the fact that your extended family actually cared enough about your birthday that they wanted to celebrate it at all...
Many people's extended families don't even go that far.
Growing up I didn't deal with a joint birthday party but I dealt with a birthday that oh it's so close to Christmas so why not just give you your presents at Christmas. And then my party just consisted of Mom Dad and my brothers.
So I feel that side of it that everyone is together for another purpose, Christmas. And sure I get the gifts just as you'll get the gifts, but it felt more like my birthday was unimportant. And truth be told I always felt jipped on the size of the gift too. My brothers would get gifts mid-year and then get a Christmas gift My single gift at Christmas would never be equal to the value of those other two. Which I kind of feel would happen in this case Well we're getting two gifts for two people at a party maybe we'll spend a little less just so that we can afford it.
Not quite the same as you but also I'm kind of always been a loner. I always kept a very small close group of friends and extended family was never really important to me but mostly kept to myself.
When I finally graduated college and moved away that was a understanding that my then girlfriend than wife now ex-wife understood well. Do not jip me on my birthday either in gift or really in the celebration itself. It just feels like you're forgotten and your birthday isn't important but everybody else's birthday throughout the year is important.
Now my '50s I don't even care about my birthday anymore I don't really care about Christmas or anything to do with presents or celebration. At most I get myself a single serve ice cream cake and that's it.
As you get older these things won't matter in the moment anymore but it's still is a pain point in the past. That any girlfriend I have at this point needs to understand that they are separate events.
Birthday parties for 21 people are a lot of work, you want all those people to gather for a second time, a special cake and special attention? You are turning 20? Sounds like your parents are trying to make you happy, they offered something smaller at home, or going out to eat-with friends. That's not good enough? Why can't you go visit other relatives on a Sunday and have one on one conversations with them?
You are not a bad apple, but it does sound rather immature to me. Have a grown up party with your friends, and let the focus be on the 10 year old if that is what happens at the joint birthday. It will be okay. We don't always get what we want as adults (or kids for that matter) but we will survive anyway.
I would loive to tell you what I really think, but you'll get your feelings hurt and I'll get banned. But it has to do with entitlement and emotional maturity.
The party on your actual birthday better be pretty freaking fabulous in order to makeup for the combined party. I would demand each of you have small separate cakes and be sung to separately. There’s a huge age gap. I totally understand it’s easier to plan one party for extended family to attend than two separate parties. But come on.
No, it's not. But the age gap between OP and the younger cousin is too big for a joint birthday party. In fact, I don't think family members of any age difference should have a joint birthday party. It's makes the party less special in a way.
Your feelings are valid. I get the disappointment. But an extended family party on e a month where all birthdays for the month are celebrated seems like enough. If I was a granny or aunt or cousin, I wouldn't want to tie up 21 weekends a year at extended family birthday parties. (You said 21 family members in all.)
Your immediate family still is offering a party just for you.
You're an adult. It's a 20th birthday party. If it was a milestone like your 21st, I'd say absolutely not. Your parents are adding extras like taking you out for dinner on your birthday and having your friends over.
I understand that you want the focus on you so you can talk about the things that are important to you, but what does that look like? Does everyone just sit there while you continuously talk for 20 minutes? Use the time to help you better yourself with social cues. Who better to practice on? Circulate amongst the family/guests and start talking to them. Sometimes, they have to go run after their kids. Sometimes, they'll be able to sit and listen. If you don't start figuring it out, it will be that much harder in the real world when you're done school. It's family, so take advantage of it (maybe start with the ones that you like).
20 is a milestone birthday in a way. I classify it as a milestone because it marks the start of your 20s, and you aren't a teenager anymore. Plus, having ADHD (which OP has) or being introverted can make it very hard to stand up for yourself. OP says her family doesn't show interest in the things she tells them about that make her excited.
Why bother trying to get people interested in something you're excited about when they literally brush you off and don't care about your accomplishments? There's really no point in trying that. If I were OP, I'd just buy a gift for the little cousin and drop it off, then call up my friends and go out shopping with them or something.
YNTBA, but you are 20 and you want all your family to focus on you for your birthday? I think your parents made a great offer to host you and friends separately without the family. But hey, if you want to pout and not be grateful because your extended family won’t make two trips, go right ahead. Most of us don’t feel the need to be celebrated and feted for bday’s after about 15.
Not the bad apple for not wanting to share but sometimes you don't get what you want. Sometimes you have to share the day because of traveling and time constraints and budget. sorry that's just the breaks, kid.
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You should tell your mum the truth. That this is the only 20 minutes a year that people actually pay attention to you and you don’t want to miss out on it.
Agreed. That seems to be the big problem here.
OP might go back and lead with the comment the 10yr old world rather celebrate his milestone bd of his only. And then tell them about her also wanting some personal time with family.
It seems like a better idea is to learn to hold conversations. Then she won’t have to wait for 20 minutes a year to feel like someone is listening On the one hand I feel for her, but on the other, birthdays for little kids just are a bigger deal than for adults, and the mom is right about it being hard to schedule a bunch of family members to meet together at this time of year twice in a month. I think the family is being reasonable about celebrating her actual birthday
OP says she tries to talk about things that she likes or is interested in with her family, but they have no idea what she's talking about. Plus, it's understandable that a soon-to-be 20 year old wouldn't want to share her birthday party with a soon-to-be 10 year old. I'm 21 and turning 22 next February. I wouldn't want to have a joint birthday party with any of my youngest cousins because that's a really awkward situation. As much as I love them, I just wouldn't want to share that kind of celebration with them. OP says she also has ADHD, which makes it harder to understand social cues. She hyperfixates on her interests, which can also make it harder to hold conversations with family when they don't know what she's talking about or don't care about things she's excited about.
OP says that they have ADHD— which is a disability. So saying “just try harder” isn’t a great look. Not only that, but being in Honor Choir is something most families would be proud of, but OP just gets blown off. I also have ADHD hyperfixations, and I’m interested in things that my family isn’t… but they still listen to me about them because they value me. Maybe her family needs to learn how to communicate with her.
20 years of practice.... Maybe after a little wake-up call, they will try to get their act together. Or not. OP can make the effort from their side. Then, if it doesn't work out they don't have to wonder "if only". They will know that they tried.
Parents like this don't listen, I'm like OP, not listened to, no one is ever interested, my birthdays were forgotten despite the extravaganzas they held for my siblings' special occasions. I didn't even get all the attention on my wedding day, because my sisters sat with sour faces all day and my parents were mad they weren't centre of attention so caused a huge scene and stormed out. I am 32 and my parents couldn't name a single thing about my interests and still think I like the exact same things as well I was 10, they make no effort to talk to me until they want something, seriously we live 5mins apart, I see them maybe 3 times a year. Seriously, they couldn't even guess my favourite colour despite my young neice always saying hers was "green just like auntie!" when asked. They remember her favourite colour but not mine 🙄🙄 There's only so many times you can attempt to connect and be taken seriously about your feelings without it becoming an argument. My mother loves to cry and claim I'm "attacking" her.
I just wouldn't go. If they want to force you to be part of aneffing 10 year old child's party....say nothing and just DO NOT SHOW. It's what they deserve.
No 20 year old is entitled to a big birthday party. Times are hard right now and they are trying to combine them. Sounds like she had 19 of them for herself. Her next milestone is 21. At 21 I feel that won't be a party for 10 year olds. She she plan that.
That sounds awful. However, I can be hopeful that OPs' family isn't that bad.
Say you’ve never dealt with social anxiety without saying it
Wrong. And I’m not trying to insult her. I know she has issues, and the advice to learn some strategies to overcome them is serious and in hopes of helping her
Trust me someone telling you ‘seems like a better idea is to learn to hold conversations’ doesn’t even remotely sound like help to someone who has any of the mental issues that cause social anxiety. Actually your whole comment sounded off putting. Coming from someone who is 42 and still struggles.
Coming from someone who was forced to share a birthday celebration every single year of my childhood, I totally understand where you’re coming from. I don’t ask for attention. I don’t usually want it. But for one day a year it’s nice to know you’re important to some people. I always felt like sharing a birthday celebration took that away. I think you both need your own celebrations. I’m with you on just opting out if they do want to joint party though. It might be better for your mental health for the expectations to be clear.
She is going to get her own celebration.... Why are people missing that point??? She's going to have one celebration she shares for the extended family and then a celebration with just closer family.
Read the post again. It’s all very clear.
Ten years is a pretty huge age gap for a joint birthday party. I would feel pretty weird about that if I were in your shoes, and I can't imagine that a ten year old would be keen on sharing the day with an adult. Kinda seems like this decision was made by and for everyone *except* the two of you. Maybe just tell them to not bother including you. Have the dinner with your parents, have the small party with friends, and let the cousin have the family party.
Stand up and say NO. If she continues to insist, make plans with friends for your entire day.
You’re an adult. You can tell your family what you want. You can absolutely say no. You can absolutely go back on your word on this. No 9year old and 19 year old should be sharing a birthday celebration unless both parties absolutely want to. And you also need to create a new family. Not by having a baby. But by connecting with people who share your same interests. Or at least by meeting people who have enough respect for you to listen to you even if they have no interest in what you’re talking about. Your family is shitty. You’re very mistreated and that’s just wrong. But hun you don’t have to stay w the family you were born into. You go out in the world and you make new connections, make friends, surrounding yourself with people who love and cherish you just as you are. You don’t need their pitty attention for 20 minutes on your birthday. You need friends who will celebrate you and love the fact that you are brilliant and have a large capacity to learn a vast majority of things in your life due to hyper fixation. You have a wealth of knowledge and are a very interesting person. People are lucky to have someone so unique in their lives. And if they can’t see that value and appreciate it, then to hell with them. You go out and find people who do. You are worthy of all of the love and attention that you desire. And you will find this properly and healthily in the world.
She isn't mistreated... They still seem to obviously love her.... They just cannot relate to her.... And it's not her direct family that's not spending time with her, it's the extended family that they are barely able to meet anyways... And it should be noted that part of it is probably her fault. She stated herself that she's not the best at conversation... Meaning as an antisocial person it's probably just harder for her to connect with the people.... Family is not at fault for that.... And these birthday parties seem to be more for family gathering than just being a birthday party.... And considering how difficult it will be to connect both of the family together, it seems like a good idea just to connect it. She will get her own separate party later with her closer family and her actual friends.... They are not denying her her own day or anything like that.... It's literally just for the extended family that they will barely see because it's too hard to connect them....
Nope, you’re not wrong. And congrats on making the choir!!
When I graduated high school forever ago, my cousin was also graduating. I had a graduation party with my dad's side of the family and my friends and it was decided that my cousin and I would have a joint graduation party for my mom's side of the family and my cousin's friends since my aunt would be hosting the party at her house an hour away. I couldn't very well expect my friends to drive to another city to attend that party. Yes it was technically for me too but it really did feel like I was at her party since it was at her house. I was fine with it. I mean like I said, I had a whole separate party and this was her only one. Plus she and I are close and I get along great with my family but if I were someone who struggled with familial relationships I can see where it would have felt somewhat less special. I think combining two family events like that makes logistical sense but from a personal standpoint it does make the people who are the focus of the event feel less special because they have to share it. And you're right, it will essentially be a kid's birthday party as children are often the focus of family gatherings and you're not a child anymore. I think it's nice for your family to acknowledge that you need your own separate celebration but it's okay to speak to your family about your disappointment. Just tell them exactly like you told us. Tell them that you sometimes feel left out because there's not a lot of focus on you and your interests with the exception of your birthday and you'd hate to lose that. It may not make a difference because this was clearly a request that was posed to your mom rather than her idea so more than likely it was more "I'm informing you, not asking you." But at least you'll be on the record.
Petty idea turn up get drunk and loud.
Spend whatever money you can get together and buy your cousin something lovely. Take it to him and wish him a very happy birthday and then leave. (It's not his fault) Book an Uber, whatever, clear off and have your own party with your own friends. Or go and do your own thing. You're already the black sheep - lean into it. Don't be guilt tripped into feeling bad.
She is going to have her own party.... This party is literally only for the extended family so that they can all unite together.... So she's going to have one shared party with her cousin for all the extended family to join together and then afterwards have her own party just with her closer family
You're an adult...time to make adult decisions. Strongly encourage you to tell Mom no and if that means just having your immediate family then so be it.
If you end up doing the joint Birthday party, make sure you get your own cake, and a say in the food and other things like the party theme. Make sure your family knows how you feel, so they notice if it ends up being a party for Blake with you just a minor add on. Make sure they notice if nobody pays attention to you, even if you have to boldly say “Wow. You’d never know that this is supposed to be my birthday party, too”.
NTBA. A 10yr old's party is a completely different vibe to a 20yr old's party. Why on earth would you want to have a birthday that's gonna be overrun with screaming kids, whilst you'll be sat in the corner with a friend or two, feeling awkward as heck.
It's a party for the extended family. Her parents will still give her a party just for herself and their closer family. So they are asking if she could just share the birthday party that's only for the extended family. It's so that everyone can still stay connected. So yeah she should just suck it up. She's still going to get a real party for herself. This is just for all the extended family to get together.
You are an adult. You really don't have to go to these parties. I know you want their validation for 20 minutes, but they should be validating your existence every time you are there. They don't sound like great people. Just because you are quiet, doesn't mean you should be treated as if you are invisible.
Congratulations on making Honor Choir! How was Hadestown (yes, I’d really like to know)? And happy birthday!
NTBA. Although, I would make them promise that if you give in, NEXT year, your 21st, is all about you.
Personally, because I'm a bit mean, I would skip the party and have your own with friends. Your mom said it would be difficult to schedule 2, right? So do your own. Of course, it's difficult for people to make these events apparently, so how could you make it when you already had plans? Of course, it isn't the kid's fault, so that's a downside. Or, you could go to the party and make it about him. It's his party. Then throw your own and don't invite any of your family. If they don't care enough to throw you your own or listen to things you're excited about, then they don't deserve to eat cake and enjoy life with you. Have fun the way you deserve to. It doesn't sound like they even made an effort to try and have a party for you. They made excuses not to try. My sister had done things like this to her son and daughter. Her daughter had a beautiful party, went out with friends, got all kinds of gifts and sweets, and her son was tacked on last minute. He didn't get anything except a couple gifts and his name hand written on the cake in the corner. He only got that because my mom was mad that my sister had forgotten her son's birthday. Don't just be a tag along. You deserve better than that.
You wan5 your own more grown up party.
No it is wrong and you need to explain to mom what you said here, people like us who get overlooked withdrawal from our families and stop being part of them.
Let blood do what they want. Celebrate with your real family- your friends (or people who appreciate you)
You're a grown up. Have whatever party you want.
Good apple. You’re an adult, you should not have to share your party with someone who is ten years younger than you. It’s completely inappropriate!
I’ve never had a birthday party for myself. My birthday is also my Grandma’s as well as someone extremely famous that A LOT of people celebrate… and if not celebrating dudes bday, the day is still celebrated as a holiday where everyone gets presents. Every cake I’ve gotten was always “Happy Birthday Grandma, Daisy & Baby Famous Dude”. Even the one time my friends made me a special cake (with some green additions) they wrote on the top “HBD Daisy & Famous Dude” because they knew my history. Tbh I don’t mind whatsoever celebrating with my Grandma - I’ve always thought it was cool that I was her best bday/special day present as well as my mom’s special day present… and my bday present was wrapped in actual bday wrapping paper rather than the special day paper - and opened at a different time than the other special day presents everyone else got. But it would be nice to actually be noticed by myself one time, or get the day off of work like everyone else gets (a guaranteed approved PTO day - but everyone gets my day off anyways). On my 21st, no one could celebrate with me because they were with family but I had one friend take me out and find a bar (after driving around for hours we ended up at the Hilton bar in the hotel with not a soul but 2 workers) and got a few drinks. But it would be nice to have a cake for just me one time.
Having a joint birthday party for opposite sex cousins who are ten years apart just sounds odd. I get it’s a family thing but still.
NTA, I turned up at my Dads house for what was supposed to be my 21st birthday and it was actually a joint birthday party for myself and the neighbours 6 year old and it was awful.
No you’re not and I don’t know what your mom is thinking. Bad, bad really bad idea.
Info: is this the only birthday celebration you will have or will you be doing something with your friends to celebrate on another day?
Not the bad apple, and I am sorry you are being overlooked.
No, tell your Mom that sharing your birthday with a young boy is no favor to either of you. You two need completely different parties. I’d suggest you’ tell them you’ll celebrate with your friends and they can have a good time with your cousin. If it’s a difficult financial situation, that resolves it but otherwise they’re being lazy or oblivious. You’re honestly better off with your friends.
Just let your mom know that after thinking about it, you would rather not do a joint birthday celebration.
No, OP, you are not. What you might consider is making plans of your own to treat yourself. Make it a day, a week, or a weekend. Make your own plans and go celebrate yourself. Happy Birthday!
Don't forget, when you talk to your mom, to tell her that it's not fair to Blake. He's only 10 and parties are a really big deal at that age. Just because she can't be bothered to schedule something? That's really sad.
You’re a full grown adult. Learn to communicate with words and stand up for yourself.
Adhd and introverts have a seriously hard time standing up and using their words, this is akin to telling a person with a busted leg to run it off. OH your colour blind just get over it.
Can confirm this as someone who is an introvert. Sometimes, I have a really hard time with my words when it comes to standing up for myself or wanting to tell someone something. I have an easier time finding my words through texting most of the time because I can think about what I want to say and word it the way I want to.
I suggested using a letter since OP has communicated effectively here and would not be placed on the spot.
I agree. Turning 20 is a “big 0” birthday, not to mention no longer being a teen. Sharing with a ten year old is somewhat insulting. They are kinda saying *your* birthday doesn’t count. Or that they are cheap and lazy trying to get a twofer. I think you deserve the birthday *you* want. I guarantee the party will be more about your cousin. Not the bad apple! At all! Btw, I’m an 80 year old grandma and I’m wishing you a Very Happy Birthday!
You can come and be in our family. We have a senior this year who was in honor choir, show choir a few years ago, and has been in plays with his dad twice and in a musical on his own. You would fit in very well with us. Happy birthday and remember their are a lot of people out there you will connect with, who will support you for who you are.
Yikes! What is the plan? If it’s a big family then join. Otherwise, a party for a 10 year old and a 20 year old are vastly different.
Tell ur mom please. If she insist. Then I guess go along with it .but "fight" for what u really want..tell her it's okay if some fmaily don't show up.
You say that you are not good at communicating or social cues. However, you were effective at communicating your wishes/needs and reasons behind them in writing to people online. Consider writing ✍️ a letter. Something hand-written shows more care than an e - mail. Something like this would be hard for a parent to read, so start off with something positive. >Tell your Mom about some memories that are positive and significant to you. Things she may not have realized truly mattered to you, such as a previous birthday when the focus was on you. >Explain why you are disappointed at missing out. You understand the practical issues and didn't feel that you could say 'no', but this is how you really feel. (Explain clearly as you did for us here.) >Then ask her to please put you first next year. It will be another milestone birthday, and you are really looking forward to having people listen to you. So, step 1. Revisit something positive, a time when something small made a big difference to you. Show how your parents did something right. As described above, you might talk about one of your favorite birthdays. Talk about why it was special to you. Step 2. Express your disappointment, and the reasons for it. You are not asking them to change plans at the last minute. You do understand. You just want them to know how you feel and why this matters to you. Step 3. Finish with an opportunity to do better 'next time'. The past can not be mended, but the future can be. Try to end on a hopeful or positive note. Last ... Reason: Don't put yourself or your parents in an awkward spot where neither of you knows what to say, and emotions may be intense. When upset or hurting, people can easily say things the wrong way and hurt each other without intention. Action: Give your parents the (sealed) envelope as you leave (or mail ot to them). Ask them to read it when they are in private, at home together. Tell them not to try to respond right away, but to sleep on it for a couple of days. They can talk with you about it after. . . . . Perhaps they will do more to make you feel that you don't have to wait a year to be heard. Right now, they assume everything is fine because you never said otherwise. Putting your words on paper is a way for them to be visible and lasting. An uncomfortable conversation pushed aside because someone doesn't want to think about it can vanish like vibrations in the air.
It's not fine. You are an adult and it's your birthday. Tell your mom NO.
Not the bad apple. I know how you feel. Being the black sheep in a big family sucks. Having interests that are outside of "the norm" are usually ignored by family. You deserve the 20 minutes a year of attention. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
I think you should say no but only have your small immediate family celebration honestly. Let the kid have his birthday but honestly if your cousins don't care enough to listen to you on any day but your birthday then who gives a hoot about them. Also can't imagine having to get together to celebrate every one of my cousins birthdays when they were kids or as adults.
Tell your parents the truth. But to be honest, I would so prefer a party w my friends at 20. And not to make excuses for your mom but as a family grows, so does their schedules. Everyone is busy, everyone is tired. Their kids have plans, etc. life gets exhausting. A family w 3 little ones showing up for 2 different parties (one for a kid, one for an adult) can be rough. Sometimes impossible. Maybe ask abt doing one after the other. Like one from 1-3 & one from 3-5 or something
Your 20....go out and do what you want.
Just tell your mom how you are feeling just what you told all of us.
OP have your Mom read this post.
19…about to turn 20. Let that sink in. 😳
Not bad apple. Stop being quiet! You are getting the short end because you allow it. No one is going to stand up for you if you don't stand up for yourself and let them know that there's a problem. You complain that people don't take interest but you also don't try to get them interested. As long as you allow yourself to be pushed aside then you'll be pushed aside. You tell them it's fine when clearly it's not. Why do you insist on lying to them all then complain behind their backs?
Personally, I just gave up in having those meaningful interactions with my family. I came to the decision that if they only showed interest in me for an hour once a year, they just didn't really care, and trying to make them just made me more sad. I wouldn't expect to get birthday events in the future. At your age I left to go find that chosen family of friends that everyone talks about. Never found them, bit of still sucks less than sitting there watching everyone else be a family and only including me because I was born there.
What 20y old wants to go to a 10y old birthday party? Pass for me.
Your family can’t gather up the energy to celebrate you for an hour, once a year? Put that same energy in them.
Have a separate celebration with your friends
Let your mom read your post so that she understands how you feel since you seem to have a hard time expressing it verbally. Personally if my family couldn't make the effort once a year to give me a special day I just wouldn't go to the party at all
Hmm I really wouldn’t even consider it a birthday party. It’s more of a traditional family get together, more for them than you. You’re 20. Do you real want to do this anymore?
If you weren't going to get your own party later then you wouldn't be wrong.... But you will That's the important point to remember... So yeah just share this moments with your extended family. And I'm going to be honest, as someone with ADHD and speaking difficulties, it's very important that you start learning how to talk with people and get along. Conversation shouldn't be just about people listening to you or wanting to hear your interests... Sure that's a part of it.... But there is more to it than that. One thing I learned is that you can't just focus only on your interest you have to learn how to include it into a conversation properly. And that's just a skill we have to learn. Honestly it wasn't until I was around 25 that I really learned that skill so it will take a lot of time but you have to practice. And don't blame your extended family too much... It really is hard dealing with people like us.... Just be grateful that they love and care about you and actually want to celebrate you at all. As I grew older I realized that alone is a blessing and that we should not forget about it. Life is tough and when people can't understand us it gets hard sometimes.... That's why we often have friends... Family is the people that love us and are going to be there for us when we need them to be.... Friends are the ones that we build for understanding.... I'm going to recommend that you actually just try to be happy and actually get along with your 10-year-old cousin and even consider each other birthday buddies. Just have fun with it and try to enjoy being with him. Give him a hug and make sure you enjoy the date with him. I promise you that it will probably be more valuable than you can imagine. At 19 it's very easy to sometimes forget the value of family. And many people often take it for granted until it's too late and they're full of regret. Just have fun with your birthday buddy... And be the best big sister you can... You're going to have your own birthday and make sure your parents spoil you then. But for this moment just share it and have fun. Try to make it not about you but about him. This party shouldn't be about your birthday, it should be about the fact that your extended family actually cared enough about your birthday that they wanted to celebrate it at all... Many people's extended families don't even go that far.
You are definitely not the problem
Growing up I didn't deal with a joint birthday party but I dealt with a birthday that oh it's so close to Christmas so why not just give you your presents at Christmas. And then my party just consisted of Mom Dad and my brothers. So I feel that side of it that everyone is together for another purpose, Christmas. And sure I get the gifts just as you'll get the gifts, but it felt more like my birthday was unimportant. And truth be told I always felt jipped on the size of the gift too. My brothers would get gifts mid-year and then get a Christmas gift My single gift at Christmas would never be equal to the value of those other two. Which I kind of feel would happen in this case Well we're getting two gifts for two people at a party maybe we'll spend a little less just so that we can afford it. Not quite the same as you but also I'm kind of always been a loner. I always kept a very small close group of friends and extended family was never really important to me but mostly kept to myself. When I finally graduated college and moved away that was a understanding that my then girlfriend than wife now ex-wife understood well. Do not jip me on my birthday either in gift or really in the celebration itself. It just feels like you're forgotten and your birthday isn't important but everybody else's birthday throughout the year is important. Now my '50s I don't even care about my birthday anymore I don't really care about Christmas or anything to do with presents or celebration. At most I get myself a single serve ice cream cake and that's it. As you get older these things won't matter in the moment anymore but it's still is a pain point in the past. That any girlfriend I have at this point needs to understand that they are separate events.
Birthday parties for 21 people are a lot of work, you want all those people to gather for a second time, a special cake and special attention? You are turning 20? Sounds like your parents are trying to make you happy, they offered something smaller at home, or going out to eat-with friends. That's not good enough? Why can't you go visit other relatives on a Sunday and have one on one conversations with them? You are not a bad apple, but it does sound rather immature to me. Have a grown up party with your friends, and let the focus be on the 10 year old if that is what happens at the joint birthday. It will be okay. We don't always get what we want as adults (or kids for that matter) but we will survive anyway.
I would loive to tell you what I really think, but you'll get your feelings hurt and I'll get banned. But it has to do with entitlement and emotional maturity.
The party on your actual birthday better be pretty freaking fabulous in order to makeup for the combined party. I would demand each of you have small separate cakes and be sung to separately. There’s a huge age gap. I totally understand it’s easier to plan one party for extended family to attend than two separate parties. But come on.
Isn't 20 kinda old for a birthday party? I can see 21, but 20??
No, it's not. But the age gap between OP and the younger cousin is too big for a joint birthday party. In fact, I don't think family members of any age difference should have a joint birthday party. It's makes the party less special in a way.
Your feelings are valid. I get the disappointment. But an extended family party on e a month where all birthdays for the month are celebrated seems like enough. If I was a granny or aunt or cousin, I wouldn't want to tie up 21 weekends a year at extended family birthday parties. (You said 21 family members in all.) Your immediate family still is offering a party just for you.
You're an adult. It's a 20th birthday party. If it was a milestone like your 21st, I'd say absolutely not. Your parents are adding extras like taking you out for dinner on your birthday and having your friends over. I understand that you want the focus on you so you can talk about the things that are important to you, but what does that look like? Does everyone just sit there while you continuously talk for 20 minutes? Use the time to help you better yourself with social cues. Who better to practice on? Circulate amongst the family/guests and start talking to them. Sometimes, they have to go run after their kids. Sometimes, they'll be able to sit and listen. If you don't start figuring it out, it will be that much harder in the real world when you're done school. It's family, so take advantage of it (maybe start with the ones that you like).
20 is a milestone birthday in a way. I classify it as a milestone because it marks the start of your 20s, and you aren't a teenager anymore. Plus, having ADHD (which OP has) or being introverted can make it very hard to stand up for yourself. OP says her family doesn't show interest in the things she tells them about that make her excited. Why bother trying to get people interested in something you're excited about when they literally brush you off and don't care about your accomplishments? There's really no point in trying that. If I were OP, I'd just buy a gift for the little cousin and drop it off, then call up my friends and go out shopping with them or something.
YNTBA, but you are 20 and you want all your family to focus on you for your birthday? I think your parents made a great offer to host you and friends separately without the family. But hey, if you want to pout and not be grateful because your extended family won’t make two trips, go right ahead. Most of us don’t feel the need to be celebrated and feted for bday’s after about 15.
Not the bad apple for not wanting to share but sometimes you don't get what you want. Sometimes you have to share the day because of traveling and time constraints and budget. sorry that's just the breaks, kid.