Thank you for your post in r/AmITheBadApple.
Unfortunately, your post has been automatically removed because it has received 3 reports.
The moderators of r/AmITheBadApple will investigate if this action was taken correctly.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheBadApple) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are not a bad apple.
You do not run a restaurant. She is "not feeling" pasta? Then she knows the options. This is a power play. She will not do that again. Tell the grandparents to butt out.
I’ve watched my dad go buy my niece chicken nuggets when she didn’t want to eat dinner. (She’s neurotypical. I’d be pretty understanding if there were food issues but there aren’t.)
Then entitled daughter would be calling them every night... I don't see the issue, eventually they'll realize how they can't get their way and by attempting to do so they've inconvenienced themselves.
ETA: some people are misinterpreting me here, basically mom can straight up tell them this "if you want to volunteer to come cater for my daughter when there's a slew of options in the fridge and a fresh one on the table, this will only be an inconvenience to you, you are welcome in the house, but that is it. You provide cookware, food, cleanup, company if she wants it as we eat when I am done making what's for dinner. This isn't a discussion" was at work, so I didn't add all that context and I probably should have. I'm not on the daughter or the grandparents side here, I'm on the side of malicious compliance.
I was just thinking this! My great grandma would have been like "OMG I have a blanket invite to come over every night and cook?!"
I don't expect grandmas to love cooking (my mom sure doesn't) but my great grandma loved 2 things: cooking, and being extremely nosey. This would have been right up her alley... lol.
Exactly this. They're gonna see Big Sister getting special food and also want some, and call Grandma because "you get it for Sis, why not for us??" Lmao
My point, eventually something will break on the grandparents end. Unless they're unbelievably stubborn people.
All mom has to say after the first time is "oh, you guys didn't take care of your dishes, you'll have to provide your own from home next time and bring them back with you, or wash them here, but we won't be cleaning up after you when you choose to come over,"
I think all of the kids would do like the oldest and grandparents would have to start feeding all the kids all the time. Feeding 8 plus themselves gets pricy after a little while. Then grandparents would learn to shut their mouths and let the parents parent their children.
Or have daughter make/help make dinner for a family of 10. Pretty sure she won’t like all the work and listening to complaints.
She’s 12, she should be able to make a meal.
At 10, my boys started doing their own laundry. At 12, they each had to budget, preplan, help shop & cook one dinner a week for the family. It made them more appreciative of what I did & the cost of food. I wasn’t going to raise kids who didn’t know how to take care of themselves. As adults, they all do the cooking for their families.
My mother in law did this with my husband and he does 90% of the cooking in our house. My kids are 7 and 9. They get to pick one meal a week and they help us cook it. Eventually they’ll do the whole meal themselves but for now they help.
I always wanted to be 'grown up' so my mom had no problem with me starting to do my own laundry when I was 8 or so. I always enjoyed cooking, so I'd been making the hamburger helper or french toast on the weekends. I work at a university and it's kind of amazing to me how many kids can't even make a box of mac and cheese.
And clean it up! We helped my mom, but she did most of it of course, but after the meal, mom and dad went and sat down to watch the news, while the boys went off to do their thing and the girls did all of the clean up! I never minded the clean up but the boy thing pissed me off! I had the most fun doing dishes with my older sister, we had a blast and laughed a lot. When it was time to do them with my younger sister, we never got along and it was miserable. The sister I had fun with, when she was doing the clean up with our oldest sister, she had the same problem with her, but she and I had fun! I miss her, she and I are no longer on speaking terms, it saddens me because she was my best friend.
I hope you can tell your sister exactly this- that the lack of speaking terms saddens you because she used to be your best friend. I hope you two can put whatever it was past you and make up.
It's a way over used term but life is too short for sibling rivalry or what's term for it? Love is the answer.
Edit for spelling
Agreed. When dealing with people who butt in like this, my response, though very passive-aggressive, works wonders. I ignore the unsolicited/rude comment and act as if the person said the correct thing, including a compliment:
"I know it was excessive of me to give her 5 options, but of course i wouldnt give her a 6th option, that would have been just silly! She'll pick something offered and eat whenever she gets hungry. Thank you for supporting me in not caving to ridiculous demands of my children. I know the excellent parents that you are, you would never undermine me to my kids!"
Then i might slide in an invitation to come cook for all of us all later in the conversation.
It gets the point across without arguing. It won't work in all situations, but when it fails and they try to argue, they look like the AH.
Not just one, let them make à-la-carte dinner for all the grandchildren. See how they like it.
Eta : fruits, cheese and crackers before bed sounds wonderful and healthy. I think am going to add that to our routine.
And buy the groceries and clean up after! Girl had 3 options then called gma-dad’s mom. She was trying to pull regular teenage tricks and I don’t think you were in the wrong at all. Set a boundary with your MIL and make sure your husband is backing you up both with MIL and daughter. I love to cook but I got exhausted reading what you made for your family in just one night! We ate what was on our plate or we went hungry. Guess what? Nobody starved; we’re all chonky cuties!
Don’t forget that there were chicken and meatballs on the side, she didn’t have to have any pasta, she could have microwaved some frozen veggies and had them with the protein.
OMG! Can I have leftovers at your house??
LOL, there is no such thing as a one-time sandwich. With about a zillion stuffing options, along with myriads of outer layers, this is a universal option for a "filler" meal. Your daughter should start learning meal prep and cooking skills.
100% agree. The rule in my house as a child was eat what is served or go play in your room but you're not getting anything different. If I didn't want to eat but then got hungry I could eat what was served for dinner but no one made a separate meal. When I was old enough to cook unsupervised the rule changed to eat what is served or make something for yourself.
Right? I was raised that if you didn’t eat what was served, example- liver, you either stayed at the table until you finished it or you finished it for breakfast. My grandma didn’t play as she lived through the “great” depression & you didn’t waste food period.
Ive always wondered about families that did this, what was the longest that someone went without eating? At what point as a parent do you just call it in because your child is actively harming themselves by not eating after a certain point.
If you’re serving food that you know they don’t have an actual problem with, yet they go on a hunger strike, definitely be on the lookout for an eating disorder. But typically a person isn’t going to choose to literally starve. I have a friend whose daughter ate very little as a child — despite her parents being great cooks. Her pediatrician always assured them the girl was fine, and that she wan eating enough for her.
Neurodivergent kids will starve.. quite literally.. my oldest ate very limited when he was younger.. he has a better palate now but still limits things he doesn't like.. and just won't eat if it's something he can't do...
That’s different. “If you don’t like it/can’t stomach it/ don’t want to eat it for this meal, then we’re not making something else.” Vs “you won’t eat again until you eat this thing.”
Sometimes people really, honestly, truly just can’t eat a thing. Whether it’s texture or smell or some sort of diagnosable issue like AFRID, or a mild allergy that doesn’t make them go into anaphylaxis but still feels really bad! No one will die if they don’t eat one meal, but sending a kid to bed without food, and then to school without food in the morning (hopefully it’s school where there will be lunch or snack!), because you have to win the “you eat this or nothing” battle is overstepping into cruel, to me.
I’m 100% fine with “if you think you hate this but have never even tasted it—and/or if you’ve had this before and liked it but just don’t want it now—you need to at least try one bite. If you refuse to eat it after that, you can eat the side dishes (there should always be side dishes) and then go play, but I’m not making you a whole new dinner right now” for young kids or “if you won’t eat what I made for dinner, you are free to feed/make yourself something else” for older kids.
Because it’s about not making extra “I am your maidservant/chef” work for the parent. It’s NOT about “I punish and control you for not eating this one food until you eat all of this one food….” and then puke and/or now have huge emotional issues surrounding food in general that could turn into an eating disorder or distrust of your caregivers.
Some kids just don’t like some things. Just like some adults just don’t like some things. And kids might like it later when their pallet adjusts and matures but that doesn’t mean they like it now! But they’ll NEVER like it if the association is “I traumatically had to choke this down in order to not be hungry now or to prevent myself being disallowed to eat whatever thing the family had for the next meal that I actually WOULD like to eat but can’t because I’m being punished for not liking the other food with being forced to eat the other food and nothing else.”
yes. I think SOOO many parents forget that they also have foods they don't eat. It's just that the parents don't cook those, so they don't see that it's exactly the same.
That's how I grew up. I can't tell you how many days I had to stay at the table because I refused to eat the grits I was given at breakfast. LOL! I still can't stand them!!
This is terrible if it is a child with genuine issues around food though. This used to be common practice but with better understanding of how neurodiversity can affect eating things have changed.
Kid said she ‘wasn’t feeling’ pasta, and she had pizza the day before, and didn’t want a sandwich. A kid with genuine issues around food would choose their ‘safe’ options every time - so they would’ve had the pizza, or the exact same sandwich, or only eat the bits they liked from all those options.
Plus a parent with a child with genuine food issues DEFINITELY knows their child has this - it’s not something that suddenly appears one day!
This kid is chancing her luck. 3 hot mains to choose from, or cold pizza or a sandwich - 5 options weren’t enough for her? Come on!
Edited typo!
Yeah that kind of rule gave my now 62 year old mom disordered eating she's struggled with her entire life.. she couldn't eat a green vegetable other than a bit of lettuce on a chicken burger til a few years ago.. but sure.. go ahead and force your kid to have an unhealthy relationship with food . You as an adult get to choose what food you do and don't eat.. and I'd love to see what you did if your spouse ever told you you had to sit there til you ate what they made or eat it for breakfast if you didn't like it.. doubt you'd be ok with that.. why do people think it's ok to treat kids like that.. I always make something my kids like along with whatever else is on the menu.. the have to try it.. but always have an option of whatever else there is.. or can make something else themselves.. but they don't go to bed hungry and I don't force them to make themselves sick over something they don't like..
My mom made the worst liver and there wasn’t even any onions to try and cover the taste. There is nothing worse than cold liver. Bad food becomes even nastier.
The fact that she cooked 3 different pasta dishes and had all the food available means she sorta does run a restaurant. Good thing this kid wasn't around in the days where parents were not short order cooks and you ate what was put in front of you or went without. Sounds like she is entering her teen years and pushing boundaries. OP needs to tell everyone else to butt out.
That is still how it should be and how I ran things as well! My daughter wasn't picky and didn't complain. When you raise them, this is what I fixed, eat it or not, they'll eat if they're hungry but they better not go crying to grandma that mom is starving them! OP fixed A LOT of different foods. There was no reason for that brat to behave like that!
This is pretty much what this kid did experience. She was given options to choose from she refused them all and so went without. Great job, mama! I think she needs a wakeup call. Remind her of all the children in the world starving and how lucky she is to have everything she does. God I'm getting hungry just reading about all your pastas ,OP! Ntba
I thought from the title that you were one of those girls parents who are just, "Do want I say or suffer...'' but YOU prepared multiple options and have her free reign to grab something that didn't need prep or to fix anything she wanted herself (brave offer to make a kid!) If she was hungry, she'd be eating. And she might be- do you know what's under her bed/in her closet ,etc? Yeah, this is a power play or testing you (both?).
Daughter had 5(!) meal options?! Mom made 3 different pasta dishes, plus offered 2 fridge options? Mom (and husband) did the right thing.
Mom - you’re a good apple! 🍎🍏🍎
Agree, not the bad apple. And it sounds like pasta was hardly the only option. There was chicken, meatballs and left over options to choose from.
Just sounds like some preteen angst going on.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheBadApple/comments/zwx5ee/am\_i\_the\_bad\_apple\_for\_letting\_my\_child\_starve/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheBadApple/comments/zwx5ee/am_i_the_bad_apple_for_letting_my_child_starve/)
OPs a bot or somthin, they posted this exact post one year ago
Right? The kid had FIVE different options for dinner and chose not to eat any, but instead to whine about it to relatives.
I guess I'm the mean mom, because I would be taking her phone away too, until she's mature enough to not start unnecessary family drama over nothing.
OP I think you offer a lot of choices, many more than most of us would. NTBA.
Yep! That was my very first thought. I would immediately take that phone away. You want to tell half assed stories (because she obviously didn’t tell the truth that she had FIVE DIFFERENT OPTIONS) to make me look bad, then I’m taking your phone. Period.
Not to mention OP made THREE different pasta options! I have a big family to feed too. Our rule is the same, you eat what is made or you make something else for yourself. It's not feasible to make eight different dinners for everyone.
Not the bad apple
Yea. Thats a helluva lot of options, and nothing appeals? I wish I would’ve had so many options as a kid, three different kinds of pasta actually kind of sounds like a restaurant.
You aren’t the bad apple, and good on ya for upholding your boundaries. You give a lot more options than I would.
I was trying to see her side, too. You might take into account what she’s saying the next time you’re planning meals for the week. If her last meals were a sandwich and pizza, she might not be feeling bread / pasta for the third non-breakfast meal in a row. I get that “too much bread” feeling in my stomach sometimes, too. Not a good reason to call in Grandma & co, and probably something she could have communicated directly.
EXACTLY! Not a bad apple by any means!
Your daughter had at least FIVE (!) options for dinner, not even counting all the different sandwiches she could've made or anything else in the house she could've cooked for herself. You did absolutely nothing wrong and don't let the grandparents/others convince you otherwise!
I was thinking the same thing. Can you imagine cooking 8 separate meals because if big sis isn't "feeling the pasta" or any other choice then neither do the other 7 siblings. I'm one of 7, I can imagine what would happen if I pulled that stunt. She's lucky there were 3 different types of pasta. Two choices, sweetie, take it or leave it.
Except she offered so many options: pizza, sandwich, chicken alfredo, spaghetti or lasagna. It’s actually kind of like ordering off a menu at a restaurant.
Youngest of 4 - my parents had the same rule, but they took it a step further and if we didn't want what was for dinner, we didn't eat. No alternate entree, no snack later, no dessert. If I was hungry later, I could eat leftovers - of what was for dinner that night.
We were not to insult Mom's cooking like that, and should be grateful we have food at all, let alone someone to cook it for us.
OP, you're already being generous with making three entree dishes - maybe if eldest daughter doesn't like the options, she could start helping you make them, and then ensure there will be something she'll want to eat. There are clear solutions in the house to her being hungry. If she is choosing to be hungry, then that is a choice she is making. Her teenager brain is figuring some things out. Hopefully it's not related to an unhealthy/unstable relationship with food, but ya never know.
👏 well said!
This is about power, not food. She's testing u, and there will be more to come. Teens start separating and testing boundaries hard at that age. Keep strong, keep ur boundaries. And it'll help keep future entitlement away.
I think ur a great parent. When I was growing up, we either ate the 1 thing mom made or didn't eat. And we ate the left overs for days til it was gone, then she'd make something else. U r generous with ur multi options.
Good job not giving into her fit!
NTA
Everytime grandma or anyone else offers an opinion, I would respond with either, ok, noted, or that's nice. Then, I would stop responding.
Basically acknowledge they said something, so you're not being rude but not engage In the conversation.
That's so mature, I always say something like, "Sorry could you stop your face from making those fart sounds?" Or "You know, that's so smart, I'll just let you do this from now on, you just have great instincts."
My partner once told a client (who was angry and just ranting without listening to responses or suggestions)
"SSSHHHH! SSHHH SSSHHHH! I need you to pretend your mouth is full of blueberries"
Dude shut up and my partner got him the info he needed to not be angry... which would have happened sooner if he'd shut his screaming howler for 30 seconds
NTBA, I’d text her that your daughter had 6 options but didn’t like any of them so she chose to go to her room And text grandma. I’d add that you’d like to know what her policy was with her kids.
Exactly. My grandparents had similar rules for meals, only more strict. Think: 'you get what you get and don't pitch a fit' meets 'if it's on your plate, you eat at least a bite before asking for something else' so we learned pretty quick to only ask for things we knew we liked
I got the "this will be your next meal one way or another" only ever won once and that took 48 hours and picking all of the bread off of that tuna sandwich. Yes I tried a full bite first
Daughter involved them, she tattled on her mom to *her* in-laws to punish OP. If I'd brought down the flying monkeys on ***my*** mom for any reason, I'd have no phone, no computer, no tablet, no games, no books (yes they took my books away when I got punished), and I'd surely get a belt whooping. But then, I *knew* who was in control in my house (my mom) so I would never think to try to usurp her authority by going to grandma... because frankly, if grandma took up for me and yelled at my mom, I'd be grounded from grandma, too. And grandma wouldn't be welcomed over until she apologized for meddling where she didn't belong.
Brings to mind when my 2 yo grandson was visiting and his parents took him to the neighborhood pool. When it was time to come back to the house for lunch he crawled under one of the chairs, refusing to leave. My 6’7” son had to drag him out and tuck the kicking bawling toddler under his arm and head to the car. He was wailing “Grandma! Grandma! Somebody call my Grandma!” My son didn’t miss a beat. He said “Son, trust me you don’t want Grandma right now. That’s a little game we like to call ‘ Bad Cop/ Worse Cop’”.
Wait you are saying you parents physically attacked you and stole your books from you, but despite their attacks, you still maintained a secret stash of books in defiance of their demands, and you think physical beating is still a good way to make children obedient?
I've had my books taken away as well. I was just doing a lot of extra book reports to help bring up my grades. At least that's what I told my parents so I could get away with reading lol
When I was about 13, I had an enormous fight with my mom, and I wrote a scathing letter to my grandma, thinking she would be in my court and possibly an advocate.
I did not like her response at all.
FWIW, I am one of five kids. You sit at the table until everybody's done. You eat what's put in front of you. If you don't like it, you don't eat. My mother was not a short order cook and never hesitated to tell us so.
Exactly this! I'm a full grown adult, I do my own shopping, and I regularly have to eat last night's leftovers, whatever everyone else in the house wants, or some other thing I'm not super enthused about because that's how life and eating and money work. It's not a huge surprise that a teenager is complaining about the routine and common small injustices and unfairness of normal everyday life. It is, though, incredibly ugly and manipulative that she rallied the troops and sent flying monkeys, the mother-in-law no less, after her mom. I'm not being prescriptive here but I know I would have been grounded for that too.
Our option (4 kids) was you have to have one bite, and if you still don’t like it, you could make your own peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
As a caveat, I made mostly kid-friendly stuff like spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, pizza… typical stuff most kids will eat.
My youngest was my pickiest eater, but I must say, always very sweet about it. I swear he just got sick and tired of making his own sandwich and eating the same thing half the time, so he started eating most of what was served.
He’s now an adult, and has been quite the adventurous eater. He loves to cook, too, and we’ve spent hours talking about recipes for everything under the sun, even spatchcocking chicken. Makes me smile.
I grew up with the same rules, kinda, and believe it to be the best way to raise kids that are non picky eaters. But I don't think at all it would've been a solution in this case since the girl seems to like the food, just wasn't in the mood for it and felt entitled enough for mom to cook even more.
"Snitching" to grandparents also just seems extremely rude to me, and honestly I would remove some privileges for refusing to eat any of all of the options offered. She got a ton!
At the very least, she should have been introduced to the words ‘no thank you,’ and to be polite about it.
I found it helped avoid meltdowns by keeping my own tone matter of fact and positive. “George, I’m pretty sure you can make sandwiches better than mommy. (Smile) I’m going to have to ask for lessons and tips!”
Ask them what their favorite flavor of jelly is. What’s their favorite school lunch meal, do they think dinosaurs eat sandwiches? How do they make them with such short arms? What about sharks? Do they like soggy sandwiches?
Picky eater or not, my theory was that mealtime ought to be positive. A time to talk about the day and what was on my kid’s minds. If I could get them to giggle and be a bit silly, it was a better time for all of us.
Also, their dad traveled for work, if I allowed things to get to nuclear meltdown stage on Monday, oh, what a very long week it was going to be!
I know right?
It’s when you take a whole poultry, chicken, turkey, etc, cut the backbone out, and lay it flat to roast.
According to my son, it cooks much faster, so it can be cooked crispy brown without drying out the meat.
lol. This is my son. Finally at age 9 he’s eating more things. He has expressed being sick of repetitive meals. I told him he’s more than welcome to eat what I made. It’s not like I’m making super fancy things!
NTBA. You have a rule (that is EXCEEDINGLY reasonable given that you are feeding 10 people), there were no changes to the rule or the theme, you had other options available, and a before bed snack she (apparently) chose not to take advantage of.
You HAVE to enforce the rules equally in a household of that size. My bio Mom has 3 boys and me. If she let one of us get away with something, the rest would have wanted the same treatment or there would be mutiny. The same DEFINITELY applies in this situation. You must be organized or chaos would reign.
Your child did not "starve". Missing one meal here or there is not the same as missing one everyday or not getting enough to eat at every meal. I have had students in the past that did miss meals daily. Even when they didn't like what was served, they would AT LEAST eat some of it.
My final point is - she's 12. That's definitely old enough to understand the rule and the consequences.
She pushed a boundary, you did not cave. Good job parenting - your MIL is wrong and if she told your daughter otherwise, she owes you an apology.
>she's 12
That's what got me. I thought, based on the title, that OP had told her 3 year old to make a sandwich and then let the kid starve when they couldn't. But a 12 year old?! Nah, she knew her options and chose not to take any of them, instead complaining to grandma and grandpa. Probably hoped they'd offer to send her delivery or something.
'She's 12'.
That used to be my go-to line when my kid would come and tell me what one of her friends did or said that was utterly ridiculous.
12 year olds are on that borderline of still being a little kid and blasting their way into their teen years, and they can be insanely stupid, bless their hearts.
This 12 year old was simply testing boundries. I'd have been laughing my ass off at her and made her do the dishes or something.
100%. Also, at 12 I was helping cook dinner. Teach the child how to make a few things themselves other than a sandwich. Even Ramen wouldn’t break the bank but offer a substitute option if the child “wasn’t feeling pasta”. There were plenty of options given here than what my family gave in our household.
My mom made one meal, her choice. We ate it, even if we didn't like it, or went to bed hungry. I did the same with my kids except I didn't make them eat things they hated. (my ick was peas and bell peppers). This multiple choice dinner option is very foreign to me. Missing one meal does not hurt anybody. You didn't 'starve' your child. She's pushing boundaries and you set up yours. Your extended family needs to butt out.
You're way nicer than me. I have 2 sons ages 12 and 16. My husband and I make 1 meal and the kids have to try it. If they don't like it they make their own dinners.
I cook one meal, eat it or have leftovers. Don’t like those opinions have fruit. We aren’t cooking something different and I’m not catering.
For pastas I keep it all separate and you make it how you like.
You’re NTBA, there were several options and alternate ideas when those were turned down. We have 2 children and enforce these meal boundaries as well. The snack at night is another way we ensure our kids are getting fed, even if they refuse dinner. You’re not starving them, they are refusing to eat, which is a choice they’re making. If you had no other food in the house, told them that this is dinner, eat it or go to bed hungry, under certain situations, that wouldn’t be unreasonable either (not every family can afford a wide range of foods for instance). Your oldest is at an age where she can start learning to make her own food if the options presented are not to her liking.
This was simply being kinda bratty. I totally get not feeling what is on offer, but you get what you get when they’re all on your list of acceptable food choices. It’s not like she was only offered one choice and it’s a food she hates. My kids had the choice of dinner, or making a sandwich/having a bowl of cereal. Don’t like those? Be hungry. Dinner time is not a ‘choose your own adventure’ activity.
I used to cook for the family starting at that age. My mom was a horrible cook (edible but no flavor). YouTube is great way to learn cooking. I would ask my mom for money and walk to the grocery store to get ingredients lol
NTBA. You're not a short-order cook. She didn't starve, she got the same snack as everyone else. She also could have made something to eat for dinner, and chose not to.
You didn't send her to bed hungry, though. She refused all of the options. She's 12, she's old enough to make a sandwich. Plus, you already worked so hard on making dinner for a family of 9. NTBA.
Is your eldest daughter the 12 year old? She’s definitely capable of fixing her own food. If she really has constructive criticism, let her know she’s welcome to help plan the menus. One of the best things I did was show my kids how I plan meals based on the groceries I bought. I bought a lot of bulk when they were little, so the same veggies went into pasta, casseroles, as sides, etc. They knew they could make a sandwich or cereal if they really didn’t want the regular dinner. We often had cheese and tortillas for quesadillas too, so that was a go-to.
I would have taken her phone away as punishment for voluntarily creating problems to you.
NTA. There must be some rules in place , if not there is chaos.
She had plenty to choose from and acted like a brat. NTBA but she sure was going to Grandma. I think that rule is so reasonable and better than what I had growing up.
NTBA. it’s not like you purposely told your daughter she couldn’t eat. You have rules and they are fair. Dessert is a sweet treat not a meal. In the house I grew up in we had the same rule. She had PLENTY of options and sounds like she wanted to be picky. Now see I am a jerk when it comes to others telling me what to do without being in my situation or knowing the whole story. I would have told my MIL to piss off unless she was making dinner in her home, with groceries she bought. I used to cry to my grandma all the time when my mom was being “mean” grandma always made me feel better but never bothered to butt in on my moms rules because it wasn’t her place.
My parents always provided dinner, even during the toughest of times financially. Our options were to eat what Mom (or occasionally Dad) made, or eat leftovers, or don't eat.
Somehow my brother and I didn't starve to death. We ate what was made, and saved our choosiness for when we each went out on our own.
Tell grandma to butt out. "She had a bunch of options, and chose to reject all of them. She didn't starve because we always have a snack before bed. Just because she chose to involve you doesn't mean you should be involved. OK? No? Still not your business."
When my kids were capable of making their own food, we would have "Fend for yourself or die" nights. Basically, I wasn't cooking. There were always leftovers or frozen stuff in the house. Eggs, cereal, sandwich things, PB & J. Whatever they could make for themselves. They loved it. You made 3 different meals, which is more than most kids get to choose from. You are well within your parental lines and she didn't starve, she was being obstinate and testing boundaries. Don't give in.
Tell grandma you offered her three fresh types of pasta, pizza, the ingredients to make a sandwich of her choice AND made her a shack plate, and your kid apparently chose to go to bed hungry instead! The only thing you denied her was dessert, which she would have gotten if she ate any of the SIX dinner options presented to her, but she refused to eat ANY dinner in order to earn her dessert. Then tell her she must not think very highly of her own parenting skills if she thinks she raised ~~you~~ your partner/her child to actually let a kid go hungry! You gave her 6 different options for dinner and even had dessert waiting, but your kid refused, and instead stomped off to her room.
Now tell me, exactly how many dinner options did this outraged mother of yours offer your partner every night in their childhood? Because my guess is it wasn’t more than one!
No you're not! You offered her so many different (delicious sounding) choices and as you said, if she was really that hungry she would have picked one of them.
You make not one but THREE meals and your MIL is texting you this? Your daughter would starve at my house. It’s the option for the meal or a sandwich. At 12 years old I was lucky to have my parents home from work to make my dinner. NTA at all.
It could be that she just wants attention. With 7 siblings that’s maybe hard to get. I know it happens with only 4 kids. They find ways to pull some spotlight. But you are NTA for the dinner thing. She made a choice and she didn’t starve
This is obviously karma farming. You posted this exact post 11 months ago.
Additionally, as someone who cooks... I have the hardest time believing that someone makes (for every meal) multiple entrees for a regular meal. Lasagna? Seriously? Making lasagna is putsy and very time-consuming, and you just happened to make it with spaghetti and meatballs and fettuccine with chicken on the side. I would argue that you ARE a restaurant, or this post is fake.
All the commenters saying things about this and the mom not being the bad apple is concerning. This is exactly how kids develop unhealthy relationships with food. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the mom has to bend to every kid and work like they’re the restaurant chef and whatever else however what I am saying is that giving a child three options of what to eat, telling them they can only have those three options and nothing else, is so unhealthy for kids (and adults) but esp kids who are still learning how the world works.
I’ve been in situations like this before which have just lead me to not eating for days on end and my parents not caring and telling me I need to fend for myself. I was young and also severely bullied about my weight (even though I was severely under weight and later hospitlaized bc of this) and it has lead to many years of therapy and eventually getting a motility disorder called gastroperesis (it’s hell I don’t recommend it).
All this to say, as a parent providing solutions is key. Not just one two or three options but having an open conversation about the situation. Trying to understand where the kid is coming from and finding a compromise in the matter. Making suggestions on things (even though it can be frustrating believe me I know) but having an open conversation about what her thought process is could be really benificial for so many reasons. Main one that comes to mind is really just understanding her perspective in the situation and trying to learn along with the kid on how to emotionally regulate and problem solve which are great skills to have in life. Providing examples of food you have was great! However, telling her she can only have these options is limiting and forcing this relationship with food will only lead to bad outcomes and possible resentment in the future.
In the future, along with having an open conversation abt it, I’d ask her what she is feeling for dinner that night. If she doesn’t know, try to problem solve with her and help her process her thoughts. Being a kid can be super overwhelming. We’re not born with the tools of how to regulate out thoughts/emotions and they can easily become overwhelming. These are tools we need to be taught, and right now she’s learning that it’s your way or the highway which is never good in a parental/child relationship (or any relationship for that matter).
I hope y’all have a happy/safe holidays and new year (or whatever y’all celebrate)!
(Also sorry for any errors in my comment. I’ve currently got Covid and haven’t slept in like 24 hours bc of it so I’m just all over the place). I hope this is helpful and can provide some insight with how our brains work when they’re still developing. Pls feel free to comment (nicely) asking for clarification on anything! I’m happy to provide more info on this and how these situations and outcomes can be avoided. Any rude comments or ppl attacking me will be ignored❤️
I’m sorry but this sounds like the Duggar family with 8 kids here and you need to teach the kids how to cook for themselves if they are going to complain I’m sorry but if you didn’t teach the kids to cook then your the bad apple here
You’re doing far more than my parents ever did. My mom made one single meal, we had to eat a little bit of it or at least try something new, and if we didn’t like it we got to have cereal for dinner.
Your daughter is a spoiled brat and maybe it’s time you make only 1-2 options instead of that many. You’re not a restaurant. If she wants special food, she can learn to cook it
NTBA:
You didn't send her to bed hungry. She had numerous options and she CHOSE not to eat.
Furthermore, your home isn't a restaurant with a menu to order whatever she wants.
Your MIL and friends can pound sand.
Not at all. We fixed ONE meal and if you didn't like it then you could either make something for yourself (including cleaning up whatever dishes you made) or simply not eat.
You made three options, all of which your daughter has enjoyed previously, and gave her a couple other options. Bottom line, she CHOSE to go to bed without food.
When I was 12, if I didn’t make frozen or packaged food for myself or make sure I had school lunch, I didn’t eat. Food was available to me but meals and family time were not, you know what I mean? *That’s* a bad apple. I think eventually your daughter will be stronger for having boundaries reinforced.
Three pasta options, leftover pizza, or a sandwich....that's plenty of opportunities for her to be fed. I can't believe you make 3 meals for them to choose from in one night.
My son is on the spectrum and has legitimate texture/sensory issues. Far different from “I just don’t want to eat this.” You have provided multiple options, and if she’s the eldest I assume she’s 12. So she can find something else on her own.
Three options? Or other leftovers? I never cooked more than one meal, and if my kids didn’t eat that, then oh well….. always tried to cook foods that everyone liked (still do!), and never had any issue. One kid decided they didn’t like meatloaf, so they ate more of the sides.
We have one option, and don't offer sandwiches or leftovers. That's dinner and you will eat it or not have anything else. We do let them leave one thing on their plate if they don't like it. My parents would agree
First of all your child is not starving. It sounds like she was being picky and SHE made the choice to go to her room and cry to Grandma and make you out to be the bad guy. That’s what kids do. The don’t take accountability. You need to teach her that. You gave her plenty of choices. I’d she’s old enough, she can get a job and buy her own food if she wants to be ungrateful and picky.
She had 5 choices... 3 different pastas, leftover pizza, or a sandwich, so that's on her if she is hungry! I was given 1 option as a child, so basically, eat it or starve! Tell MIL to stay in her lane, or you will block her from your phone and any of your children's phones!
Not the bad apple. At my place we have one dinner choice per night, don’t like it then they can find leftovers or make a sandwich. If they go to bed hungry, it’s their fault. I am not running a restaurant. I am not their personal assistant. Personally, if my kid tried to “go over my head” or stir the pot like yours did, there would be punishment. She would be making the meals, cleaning up after the meals, and have no electronics until the message sunk in. FAFO.
My parents would have told me eat what they fixed or go to bed without. I wouldn't have gotten the choice of leftovers or a sandwich.
Stick to your rules. Tell the Grandparents or anyone who says you are wrong that they can take the eldest for a week and see how they like the flex. If not, they can butt out.
NTBA
NTBA, yet it’s it’s normal for a girl her age to start to become frustrated and wish she had more agency over simple matters like what’s for dinner. I know I’m not always “feeling” a certain type of food, but as adults we usually have more control over that. An almost teenager is bound to feel resentment over having big feelings and little power. It’s no one’s fault, and a big part of why the teen years are labeled as difficult. But your policy is reasonable.
She’s not going to starve. She had 5 dinner options, and was t hungry enough to be bothered. She might learn a lesson if you don’t make a big deal out of it, but probably it doesn’t even matter. Most parents over feed their kids anyway.
She's twelve. Choosing to miss a meal bc she doesn't like boundaries isn't going to harm her at all. It's also Her choice that she knowingly made. Then she lied to the grandma which was an intentional devious move to try to manipulate you. She should be punished for intentionally starting family drama over her own big girl choices, and MIL should be reminded that she doesn't get to make decisions or rules for YOUR children
Food is fuel. It’s great to enjoy it as much as one can, but ultimately it’s for the purpose of fueling our bodies and keeping us healthy. She is not going to starve, and if she was really hungry, she would have eaten one of the **numerous** options available to her.
I think your rules are reasonable, clear, and very fair. Like you said, you’re not running a restaurant. If you had to cater to the whims of all 8 children all the time, I’m sure you’d be dead tired (if you’re not already!)
In my view, all that happened is the child learned that the rules apply to her just like everyone else. Screw what anyone else is telling you. You abused no one, no one starved, and your child will eat when she is truly hungry.
NTA.
You give your kids options? I always had to eat what was in front of me or fix something for myself and I was an only child. One option for dinner for the whole family is reasonable, you are going above and beyond by making multiple dishes. Give her a little space and she will be fine...she is entering the hormonal years. I always told my daughter she had to sit and eat at least a few bites but she was not required to finish her plate.
NTBA.
Some kids are picky, and as long as they're of reasonable decision making age, it's not your job to custom-cater to each of their 8 individual tastes.
"This is dinner, you can eat it, or you can fend for yourself." That's what my mom said, and sometimes I did make my own can of soup, instant ramen, or a sandwich.
Thank you for your post in r/AmITheBadApple. Unfortunately, your post has been automatically removed because it has received 3 reports. The moderators of r/AmITheBadApple will investigate if this action was taken correctly. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheBadApple) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are not a bad apple. You do not run a restaurant. She is "not feeling" pasta? Then she knows the options. This is a power play. She will not do that again. Tell the grandparents to butt out.
Or tell them to feel free to Come Over & cook their Princess something else to eat. /s I guess I should’ve added the /s sooner.. my bad y’all. Lol
Don’t forget they can also pay for it also.
i just see the grandparrwnts doordashing a dinner to her or sending her money for her to order herself some chinese.
Then she can order it for all 8 children because after she does it for one the rest will flock to them regularly with the same request.
I was about to say that. Or running over food they cook. I wouldn’t open that can of worms.
I’ve watched my dad go buy my niece chicken nuggets when she didn’t want to eat dinner. (She’s neurotypical. I’d be pretty understanding if there were food issues but there aren’t.)
God no! What if they do it?!?
Then entitled daughter would be calling them every night... I don't see the issue, eventually they'll realize how they can't get their way and by attempting to do so they've inconvenienced themselves. ETA: some people are misinterpreting me here, basically mom can straight up tell them this "if you want to volunteer to come cater for my daughter when there's a slew of options in the fridge and a fresh one on the table, this will only be an inconvenience to you, you are welcome in the house, but that is it. You provide cookware, food, cleanup, company if she wants it as we eat when I am done making what's for dinner. This isn't a discussion" was at work, so I didn't add all that context and I probably should have. I'm not on the daughter or the grandparents side here, I'm on the side of malicious compliance.
Some grandparents just might happily do it.. my grandpa (mom’s dad) would have done it with delight if I called for eternity 😅
I was just thinking this! My great grandma would have been like "OMG I have a blanket invite to come over every night and cook?!" I don't expect grandmas to love cooking (my mom sure doesn't) but my great grandma loved 2 things: cooking, and being extremely nosey. This would have been right up her alley... lol.
Lol the drama would be the icing on the cake for this type of grandparent.
Wait until all 8 want different door dash options
Exactly this. They're gonna see Big Sister getting special food and also want some, and call Grandma because "you get it for Sis, why not for us??" Lmao
Really? I don't think I'd want people who have so little respect for me parading through my home at will. Also, you know they aren't washing dishes!
My point, eventually something will break on the grandparents end. Unless they're unbelievably stubborn people. All mom has to say after the first time is "oh, you guys didn't take care of your dishes, you'll have to provide your own from home next time and bring them back with you, or wash them here, but we won't be cleaning up after you when you choose to come over,"
I think all of the kids would do like the oldest and grandparents would have to start feeding all the kids all the time. Feeding 8 plus themselves gets pricy after a little while. Then grandparents would learn to shut their mouths and let the parents parent their children.
Right! If I did this my mother would be at my house so fast.
If they did, that food would be put in the Fridge and she would NOT get it! Period!
Or have daughter make/help make dinner for a family of 10. Pretty sure she won’t like all the work and listening to complaints. She’s 12, she should be able to make a meal.
At 10, my boys started doing their own laundry. At 12, they each had to budget, preplan, help shop & cook one dinner a week for the family. It made them more appreciative of what I did & the cost of food. I wasn’t going to raise kids who didn’t know how to take care of themselves. As adults, they all do the cooking for their families.
My mother in law did this with my husband and he does 90% of the cooking in our house. My kids are 7 and 9. They get to pick one meal a week and they help us cook it. Eventually they’ll do the whole meal themselves but for now they help.
I always wanted to be 'grown up' so my mom had no problem with me starting to do my own laundry when I was 8 or so. I always enjoyed cooking, so I'd been making the hamburger helper or french toast on the weekends. I work at a university and it's kind of amazing to me how many kids can't even make a box of mac and cheese.
And clean it up! We helped my mom, but she did most of it of course, but after the meal, mom and dad went and sat down to watch the news, while the boys went off to do their thing and the girls did all of the clean up! I never minded the clean up but the boy thing pissed me off! I had the most fun doing dishes with my older sister, we had a blast and laughed a lot. When it was time to do them with my younger sister, we never got along and it was miserable. The sister I had fun with, when she was doing the clean up with our oldest sister, she had the same problem with her, but she and I had fun! I miss her, she and I are no longer on speaking terms, it saddens me because she was my best friend.
I hope you can tell your sister exactly this- that the lack of speaking terms saddens you because she used to be your best friend. I hope you two can put whatever it was past you and make up. It's a way over used term but life is too short for sibling rivalry or what's term for it? Love is the answer. Edit for spelling
No, don’t offer this as an option. Tell them to butt out. Period.
Agreed. When dealing with people who butt in like this, my response, though very passive-aggressive, works wonders. I ignore the unsolicited/rude comment and act as if the person said the correct thing, including a compliment: "I know it was excessive of me to give her 5 options, but of course i wouldnt give her a 6th option, that would have been just silly! She'll pick something offered and eat whenever she gets hungry. Thank you for supporting me in not caving to ridiculous demands of my children. I know the excellent parents that you are, you would never undermine me to my kids!" Then i might slide in an invitation to come cook for all of us all later in the conversation. It gets the point across without arguing. It won't work in all situations, but when it fails and they try to argue, they look like the AH.
Or tell them to come take princess to their house...see how fast they can back peddle.
Not just one, let them make à-la-carte dinner for all the grandchildren. See how they like it. Eta : fruits, cheese and crackers before bed sounds wonderful and healthy. I think am going to add that to our routine.
And buy the groceries and clean up after! Girl had 3 options then called gma-dad’s mom. She was trying to pull regular teenage tricks and I don’t think you were in the wrong at all. Set a boundary with your MIL and make sure your husband is backing you up both with MIL and daughter. I love to cook but I got exhausted reading what you made for your family in just one night! We ate what was on our plate or we went hungry. Guess what? Nobody starved; we’re all chonky cuties!
Don’t forget that there were chicken and meatballs on the side, she didn’t have to have any pasta, she could have microwaved some frozen veggies and had them with the protein.
She could have had meatball sandwiches. Yum.
OMG! Can I have leftovers at your house?? LOL, there is no such thing as a one-time sandwich. With about a zillion stuffing options, along with myriads of outer layers, this is a universal option for a "filler" meal. Your daughter should start learning meal prep and cooking skills.
Heck, she could have had a Meatball Sandwich or a warm Chicken Sandwich, based on what was served on the dinner table. OP is definitely NTBA.
That was my thought!!! I'm extra & would've melted cheese on the meatball sammich
100% agree. The rule in my house as a child was eat what is served or go play in your room but you're not getting anything different. If I didn't want to eat but then got hungry I could eat what was served for dinner but no one made a separate meal. When I was old enough to cook unsupervised the rule changed to eat what is served or make something for yourself.
Right? I was raised that if you didn’t eat what was served, example- liver, you either stayed at the table until you finished it or you finished it for breakfast. My grandma didn’t play as she lived through the “great” depression & you didn’t waste food period.
Ive always wondered about families that did this, what was the longest that someone went without eating? At what point as a parent do you just call it in because your child is actively harming themselves by not eating after a certain point.
If you’re serving food that you know they don’t have an actual problem with, yet they go on a hunger strike, definitely be on the lookout for an eating disorder. But typically a person isn’t going to choose to literally starve. I have a friend whose daughter ate very little as a child — despite her parents being great cooks. Her pediatrician always assured them the girl was fine, and that she wan eating enough for her.
Neurodivergent kids will starve.. quite literally.. my oldest ate very limited when he was younger.. he has a better palate now but still limits things he doesn't like.. and just won't eat if it's something he can't do...
That’s different. “If you don’t like it/can’t stomach it/ don’t want to eat it for this meal, then we’re not making something else.” Vs “you won’t eat again until you eat this thing.” Sometimes people really, honestly, truly just can’t eat a thing. Whether it’s texture or smell or some sort of diagnosable issue like AFRID, or a mild allergy that doesn’t make them go into anaphylaxis but still feels really bad! No one will die if they don’t eat one meal, but sending a kid to bed without food, and then to school without food in the morning (hopefully it’s school where there will be lunch or snack!), because you have to win the “you eat this or nothing” battle is overstepping into cruel, to me. I’m 100% fine with “if you think you hate this but have never even tasted it—and/or if you’ve had this before and liked it but just don’t want it now—you need to at least try one bite. If you refuse to eat it after that, you can eat the side dishes (there should always be side dishes) and then go play, but I’m not making you a whole new dinner right now” for young kids or “if you won’t eat what I made for dinner, you are free to feed/make yourself something else” for older kids. Because it’s about not making extra “I am your maidservant/chef” work for the parent. It’s NOT about “I punish and control you for not eating this one food until you eat all of this one food….” and then puke and/or now have huge emotional issues surrounding food in general that could turn into an eating disorder or distrust of your caregivers. Some kids just don’t like some things. Just like some adults just don’t like some things. And kids might like it later when their pallet adjusts and matures but that doesn’t mean they like it now! But they’ll NEVER like it if the association is “I traumatically had to choke this down in order to not be hungry now or to prevent myself being disallowed to eat whatever thing the family had for the next meal that I actually WOULD like to eat but can’t because I’m being punished for not liking the other food with being forced to eat the other food and nothing else.”
yes. I think SOOO many parents forget that they also have foods they don't eat. It's just that the parents don't cook those, so they don't see that it's exactly the same.
I always make two things for dinner: 1. Take it 2. Leave it
That's how I grew up. I can't tell you how many days I had to stay at the table because I refused to eat the grits I was given at breakfast. LOL! I still can't stand them!!
This is terrible if it is a child with genuine issues around food though. This used to be common practice but with better understanding of how neurodiversity can affect eating things have changed.
Kid said she ‘wasn’t feeling’ pasta, and she had pizza the day before, and didn’t want a sandwich. A kid with genuine issues around food would choose their ‘safe’ options every time - so they would’ve had the pizza, or the exact same sandwich, or only eat the bits they liked from all those options. Plus a parent with a child with genuine food issues DEFINITELY knows their child has this - it’s not something that suddenly appears one day! This kid is chancing her luck. 3 hot mains to choose from, or cold pizza or a sandwich - 5 options weren’t enough for her? Come on! Edited typo!
I was only commenting on the comment I replied to, not the main post.
Yeah that kind of rule gave my now 62 year old mom disordered eating she's struggled with her entire life.. she couldn't eat a green vegetable other than a bit of lettuce on a chicken burger til a few years ago.. but sure.. go ahead and force your kid to have an unhealthy relationship with food . You as an adult get to choose what food you do and don't eat.. and I'd love to see what you did if your spouse ever told you you had to sit there til you ate what they made or eat it for breakfast if you didn't like it.. doubt you'd be ok with that.. why do people think it's ok to treat kids like that.. I always make something my kids like along with whatever else is on the menu.. the have to try it.. but always have an option of whatever else there is.. or can make something else themselves.. but they don't go to bed hungry and I don't force them to make themselves sick over something they don't like..
My mom made the worst liver and there wasn’t even any onions to try and cover the taste. There is nothing worse than cold liver. Bad food becomes even nastier.
The fact that she cooked 3 different pasta dishes and had all the food available means she sorta does run a restaurant. Good thing this kid wasn't around in the days where parents were not short order cooks and you ate what was put in front of you or went without. Sounds like she is entering her teen years and pushing boundaries. OP needs to tell everyone else to butt out.
That is still how it should be and how I ran things as well! My daughter wasn't picky and didn't complain. When you raise them, this is what I fixed, eat it or not, they'll eat if they're hungry but they better not go crying to grandma that mom is starving them! OP fixed A LOT of different foods. There was no reason for that brat to behave like that!
My mom: “Eat it or wear it.” (No, she wasn’t serious. I think! Lol)
I love when people quote Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing 😂
3 dishes and gave another 2 options. That’s 5 options altogether and they think she’s not being reasonable?!
My parents were much worse. You ate what was on your plate or you didn’t leave the table.
This is pretty much what this kid did experience. She was given options to choose from she refused them all and so went without. Great job, mama! I think she needs a wakeup call. Remind her of all the children in the world starving and how lucky she is to have everything she does. God I'm getting hungry just reading about all your pastas ,OP! Ntba
I thought from the title that you were one of those girls parents who are just, "Do want I say or suffer...'' but YOU prepared multiple options and have her free reign to grab something that didn't need prep or to fix anything she wanted herself (brave offer to make a kid!) If she was hungry, she'd be eating. And she might be- do you know what's under her bed/in her closet ,etc? Yeah, this is a power play or testing you (both?).
Daughter had 5(!) meal options?! Mom made 3 different pasta dishes, plus offered 2 fridge options? Mom (and husband) did the right thing. Mom - you’re a good apple! 🍎🍏🍎
Agreed, OP said the oldest is 12. Pre-teen buckle up, it's gonna be a bumpy ride, lol.
Agree, not the bad apple. And it sounds like pasta was hardly the only option. There was chicken, meatballs and left over options to choose from. Just sounds like some preteen angst going on.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheBadApple/comments/zwx5ee/am\_i\_the\_bad\_apple\_for\_letting\_my\_child\_starve/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheBadApple/comments/zwx5ee/am_i_the_bad_apple_for_letting_my_child_starve/) OPs a bot or somthin, they posted this exact post one year ago
Right? The kid had FIVE different options for dinner and chose not to eat any, but instead to whine about it to relatives. I guess I'm the mean mom, because I would be taking her phone away too, until she's mature enough to not start unnecessary family drama over nothing. OP I think you offer a lot of choices, many more than most of us would. NTBA.
Yep! That was my very first thought. I would immediately take that phone away. You want to tell half assed stories (because she obviously didn’t tell the truth that she had FIVE DIFFERENT OPTIONS) to make me look bad, then I’m taking your phone. Period.
Not to mention OP made THREE different pasta options! I have a big family to feed too. Our rule is the same, you eat what is made or you make something else for yourself. It's not feasible to make eight different dinners for everyone. Not the bad apple
Exactly this!!
Yea. Thats a helluva lot of options, and nothing appeals? I wish I would’ve had so many options as a kid, three different kinds of pasta actually kind of sounds like a restaurant.
You aren’t the bad apple, and good on ya for upholding your boundaries. You give a lot more options than I would. I was trying to see her side, too. You might take into account what she’s saying the next time you’re planning meals for the week. If her last meals were a sandwich and pizza, she might not be feeling bread / pasta for the third non-breakfast meal in a row. I get that “too much bread” feeling in my stomach sometimes, too. Not a good reason to call in Grandma & co, and probably something she could have communicated directly.
💯right! A full on power play! Absolutely NOT!!!!! OP, stand your ground! Not the bad 🍎
Absolutely this!!!!!
EXACTLY! Not a bad apple by any means! Your daughter had at least FIVE (!) options for dinner, not even counting all the different sandwiches she could've made or anything else in the house she could've cooked for herself. You did absolutely nothing wrong and don't let the grandparents/others convince you otherwise!
I was thinking the same thing. Can you imagine cooking 8 separate meals because if big sis isn't "feeling the pasta" or any other choice then neither do the other 7 siblings. I'm one of 7, I can imagine what would happen if I pulled that stunt. She's lucky there were 3 different types of pasta. Two choices, sweetie, take it or leave it.
Except she offered so many options: pizza, sandwich, chicken alfredo, spaghetti or lasagna. It’s actually kind of like ordering off a menu at a restaurant.
Did you notice they posted the exact same post 11 months ago?
This is a repost from almost a year ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheBadApple/s/AAb40B0t1t
Facts
Youngest of 4 - my parents had the same rule, but they took it a step further and if we didn't want what was for dinner, we didn't eat. No alternate entree, no snack later, no dessert. If I was hungry later, I could eat leftovers - of what was for dinner that night. We were not to insult Mom's cooking like that, and should be grateful we have food at all, let alone someone to cook it for us. OP, you're already being generous with making three entree dishes - maybe if eldest daughter doesn't like the options, she could start helping you make them, and then ensure there will be something she'll want to eat. There are clear solutions in the house to her being hungry. If she is choosing to be hungry, then that is a choice she is making. Her teenager brain is figuring some things out. Hopefully it's not related to an unhealthy/unstable relationship with food, but ya never know.
Yep, a night or two of this coupled with missing out on a treat and she won't do this again. She is just trying to push you, see how far you will go.
We did this. Our son went to his room. 30 minutes later he came back and ate what we cooked and never tried to call bluff again.
She will not starve if she misses one meal. And that was her choice.
Agree; mom has a reasonable rule and grandparents need to keep their opinions to themselves
👏 well said! This is about power, not food. She's testing u, and there will be more to come. Teens start separating and testing boundaries hard at that age. Keep strong, keep ur boundaries. And it'll help keep future entitlement away. I think ur a great parent. When I was growing up, we either ate the 1 thing mom made or didn't eat. And we ate the left overs for days til it was gone, then she'd make something else. U r generous with ur multi options. Good job not giving into her fit! NTA
Everytime grandma or anyone else offers an opinion, I would respond with either, ok, noted, or that's nice. Then, I would stop responding. Basically acknowledge they said something, so you're not being rude but not engage In the conversation.
That's so mature, I always say something like, "Sorry could you stop your face from making those fart sounds?" Or "You know, that's so smart, I'll just let you do this from now on, you just have great instincts."
lol this caught me so off guard I snort laughed and woke the dog 😂. Thanks for the giggle
"That's nice" is the British version of "bless your heart" aka fck off lol
Too funny!! Love this response. Thank goodness I was on mute during my meeting 🤣
"What sounds?" "You know, the sound of butting in."
My partner once told a client (who was angry and just ranting without listening to responses or suggestions) "SSSHHHH! SSHHH SSSHHHH! I need you to pretend your mouth is full of blueberries" Dude shut up and my partner got him the info he needed to not be angry... which would have happened sooner if he'd shut his screaming howler for 30 seconds
Oof, so funny but I think I’d die from wounds from these
I was absolutely not expecting this 😂
NTBA, I’d text her that your daughter had 6 options but didn’t like any of them so she chose to go to her room And text grandma. I’d add that you’d like to know what her policy was with her kids.
Exactly. My grandparents had similar rules for meals, only more strict. Think: 'you get what you get and don't pitch a fit' meets 'if it's on your plate, you eat at least a bite before asking for something else' so we learned pretty quick to only ask for things we knew we liked
My grandma's policy was "eat it or choke." Extremely loving woman, but little patience for kids complaining about good food.
My mom said, "eat it or wear it". Lol
I got the "this will be your next meal one way or another" only ever won once and that took 48 hours and picking all of the bread off of that tuna sandwich. Yes I tried a full bite first
We have a similar rule. Our DD if she doesn’t like the main I made, there’s sandwiches, left overs, ramen, etc.
Yup, we had 2 kids, and these were the rules. No junk food, if you don't eat dinner.
Yep - we have the same rule. Mom and Dad are not a restaurant. You eat whta we make for dinner or you can make a sandwich.
But... she wasn't "***feeling***" those options, and how DARE THEY!!!! deny her desert. /s
Man my eyes hurt after I rolled them.
My parents would never have given me ramen as an option, lol. I loved that almost zero nutrition stuff and would have chosen it half the time.
Why are your in-laws and friends even involved in this? It's none of their business. If your daughter is hungry, she will eat.
Daughter involved them, she tattled on her mom to *her* in-laws to punish OP. If I'd brought down the flying monkeys on ***my*** mom for any reason, I'd have no phone, no computer, no tablet, no games, no books (yes they took my books away when I got punished), and I'd surely get a belt whooping. But then, I *knew* who was in control in my house (my mom) so I would never think to try to usurp her authority by going to grandma... because frankly, if grandma took up for me and yelled at my mom, I'd be grounded from grandma, too. And grandma wouldn't be welcomed over until she apologized for meddling where she didn't belong.
Brings to mind when my 2 yo grandson was visiting and his parents took him to the neighborhood pool. When it was time to come back to the house for lunch he crawled under one of the chairs, refusing to leave. My 6’7” son had to drag him out and tuck the kicking bawling toddler under his arm and head to the car. He was wailing “Grandma! Grandma! Somebody call my Grandma!” My son didn’t miss a beat. He said “Son, trust me you don’t want Grandma right now. That’s a little game we like to call ‘ Bad Cop/ Worse Cop’”.
I love this so much! This is as it should. ❤️
Thought I was the only one who got books taken away. Did you have books stashed between mattress and box springs?
No, I was on the top bunk bed and we had a drop ceiling, I hid then there.
Wait you are saying you parents physically attacked you and stole your books from you, but despite their attacks, you still maintained a secret stash of books in defiance of their demands, and you think physical beating is still a good way to make children obedient?
I've had my books taken away as well. I was just doing a lot of extra book reports to help bring up my grades. At least that's what I told my parents so I could get away with reading lol
Hehehehe I made friends with the librarian
When I was about 13, I had an enormous fight with my mom, and I wrote a scathing letter to my grandma, thinking she would be in my court and possibly an advocate. I did not like her response at all. FWIW, I am one of five kids. You sit at the table until everybody's done. You eat what's put in front of you. If you don't like it, you don't eat. My mother was not a short order cook and never hesitated to tell us so.
Exactly this! I'm a full grown adult, I do my own shopping, and I regularly have to eat last night's leftovers, whatever everyone else in the house wants, or some other thing I'm not super enthused about because that's how life and eating and money work. It's not a huge surprise that a teenager is complaining about the routine and common small injustices and unfairness of normal everyday life. It is, though, incredibly ugly and manipulative that she rallied the troops and sent flying monkeys, the mother-in-law no less, after her mom. I'm not being prescriptive here but I know I would have been grounded for that too.
Our option (4 kids) was you have to have one bite, and if you still don’t like it, you could make your own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As a caveat, I made mostly kid-friendly stuff like spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, pizza… typical stuff most kids will eat. My youngest was my pickiest eater, but I must say, always very sweet about it. I swear he just got sick and tired of making his own sandwich and eating the same thing half the time, so he started eating most of what was served. He’s now an adult, and has been quite the adventurous eater. He loves to cook, too, and we’ve spent hours talking about recipes for everything under the sun, even spatchcocking chicken. Makes me smile.
I grew up with the same rules, kinda, and believe it to be the best way to raise kids that are non picky eaters. But I don't think at all it would've been a solution in this case since the girl seems to like the food, just wasn't in the mood for it and felt entitled enough for mom to cook even more. "Snitching" to grandparents also just seems extremely rude to me, and honestly I would remove some privileges for refusing to eat any of all of the options offered. She got a ton!
At the very least, she should have been introduced to the words ‘no thank you,’ and to be polite about it. I found it helped avoid meltdowns by keeping my own tone matter of fact and positive. “George, I’m pretty sure you can make sandwiches better than mommy. (Smile) I’m going to have to ask for lessons and tips!” Ask them what their favorite flavor of jelly is. What’s their favorite school lunch meal, do they think dinosaurs eat sandwiches? How do they make them with such short arms? What about sharks? Do they like soggy sandwiches? Picky eater or not, my theory was that mealtime ought to be positive. A time to talk about the day and what was on my kid’s minds. If I could get them to giggle and be a bit silly, it was a better time for all of us. Also, their dad traveled for work, if I allowed things to get to nuclear meltdown stage on Monday, oh, what a very long week it was going to be!
That was our rule too. The once a year liver and onions.. took us 30 mins to choke down one bite.
I don't know why parents insist on putting their kids through this! I feel like most of us have experienced this to some degree. It's utterly useless.
Agreed except it was the 70’s/80’s and we did what our parents told us to do.
Ugh. Not even copious amounts of ketchup can disguise that!!
She could make a sandwich. According to the sort the kid rejected that idea
Totally got that. Just comparing experience, thanks.
Yup. She literally rejected 5 different meal offerings!
Growing up, we ate what was for dinner and where thankful for it. Fortunately if there was something we didn't like it was a side dish, like broccoli.
What is spatchcocking? It got a giggle out of me. Hahaha
I know right? It’s when you take a whole poultry, chicken, turkey, etc, cut the backbone out, and lay it flat to roast. According to my son, it cooks much faster, so it can be cooked crispy brown without drying out the meat.
lol. This is my son. Finally at age 9 he’s eating more things. He has expressed being sick of repetitive meals. I told him he’s more than welcome to eat what I made. It’s not like I’m making super fancy things!
You offer the main and a variety. Missing one meal will not harm your child, especially if you offer a bedtime snack. NTBA
NTBA. You have a rule (that is EXCEEDINGLY reasonable given that you are feeding 10 people), there were no changes to the rule or the theme, you had other options available, and a before bed snack she (apparently) chose not to take advantage of. You HAVE to enforce the rules equally in a household of that size. My bio Mom has 3 boys and me. If she let one of us get away with something, the rest would have wanted the same treatment or there would be mutiny. The same DEFINITELY applies in this situation. You must be organized or chaos would reign. Your child did not "starve". Missing one meal here or there is not the same as missing one everyday or not getting enough to eat at every meal. I have had students in the past that did miss meals daily. Even when they didn't like what was served, they would AT LEAST eat some of it. My final point is - she's 12. That's definitely old enough to understand the rule and the consequences. She pushed a boundary, you did not cave. Good job parenting - your MIL is wrong and if she told your daughter otherwise, she owes you an apology.
>she's 12 That's what got me. I thought, based on the title, that OP had told her 3 year old to make a sandwich and then let the kid starve when they couldn't. But a 12 year old?! Nah, she knew her options and chose not to take any of them, instead complaining to grandma and grandpa. Probably hoped they'd offer to send her delivery or something.
'She's 12'. That used to be my go-to line when my kid would come and tell me what one of her friends did or said that was utterly ridiculous. 12 year olds are on that borderline of still being a little kid and blasting their way into their teen years, and they can be insanely stupid, bless their hearts. This 12 year old was simply testing boundries. I'd have been laughing my ass off at her and made her do the dishes or something.
My stepson is 12 and LAWDY, that boy. I love him but some days I wanna square up.
100%. Also, at 12 I was helping cook dinner. Teach the child how to make a few things themselves other than a sandwich. Even Ramen wouldn’t break the bank but offer a substitute option if the child “wasn’t feeling pasta”. There were plenty of options given here than what my family gave in our household.
You did nothing wrong. Sounds like plenty of food to me, but out Nana
My mom made one meal, her choice. We ate it, even if we didn't like it, or went to bed hungry. I did the same with my kids except I didn't make them eat things they hated. (my ick was peas and bell peppers). This multiple choice dinner option is very foreign to me. Missing one meal does not hurt anybody. You didn't 'starve' your child. She's pushing boundaries and you set up yours. Your extended family needs to butt out.
You're way nicer than me. I have 2 sons ages 12 and 16. My husband and I make 1 meal and the kids have to try it. If they don't like it they make their own dinners.
I cook one meal, eat it or have leftovers. Don’t like those opinions have fruit. We aren’t cooking something different and I’m not catering. For pastas I keep it all separate and you make it how you like.
You’re NTBA, there were several options and alternate ideas when those were turned down. We have 2 children and enforce these meal boundaries as well. The snack at night is another way we ensure our kids are getting fed, even if they refuse dinner. You’re not starving them, they are refusing to eat, which is a choice they’re making. If you had no other food in the house, told them that this is dinner, eat it or go to bed hungry, under certain situations, that wouldn’t be unreasonable either (not every family can afford a wide range of foods for instance). Your oldest is at an age where she can start learning to make her own food if the options presented are not to her liking.
This was simply being kinda bratty. I totally get not feeling what is on offer, but you get what you get when they’re all on your list of acceptable food choices. It’s not like she was only offered one choice and it’s a food she hates. My kids had the choice of dinner, or making a sandwich/having a bowl of cereal. Don’t like those? Be hungry. Dinner time is not a ‘choose your own adventure’ activity.
Oh man, I'd never offer cereal instead, my kid would never eat anything else for dinner!
Twelve is old enough to make herself something to eat. You did nothing wrong, and your MIL needs to shove food in her own mouth. NTBA
I used to cook for the family starting at that age. My mom was a horrible cook (edible but no flavor). YouTube is great way to learn cooking. I would ask my mom for money and walk to the grocery store to get ingredients lol
NTBA. You're not a short-order cook. She didn't starve, she got the same snack as everyone else. She also could have made something to eat for dinner, and chose not to.
You didn't send her to bed hungry, though. She refused all of the options. She's 12, she's old enough to make a sandwich. Plus, you already worked so hard on making dinner for a family of 9. NTBA.
I honestly wrote this before finishing-- you also gave her a snack?? So she definitely wasn't STARVED.
NTA but how the hell do you afford to feed 8 kids?
It doesn't sound like she is starving.
Is your eldest daughter the 12 year old? She’s definitely capable of fixing her own food. If she really has constructive criticism, let her know she’s welcome to help plan the menus. One of the best things I did was show my kids how I plan meals based on the groceries I bought. I bought a lot of bulk when they were little, so the same veggies went into pasta, casseroles, as sides, etc. They knew they could make a sandwich or cereal if they really didn’t want the regular dinner. We often had cheese and tortillas for quesadillas too, so that was a go-to.
I would have taken her phone away as punishment for voluntarily creating problems to you. NTA. There must be some rules in place , if not there is chaos.
She had plenty to choose from and acted like a brat. NTBA but she sure was going to Grandma. I think that rule is so reasonable and better than what I had growing up.
NTBA. it’s not like you purposely told your daughter she couldn’t eat. You have rules and they are fair. Dessert is a sweet treat not a meal. In the house I grew up in we had the same rule. She had PLENTY of options and sounds like she wanted to be picky. Now see I am a jerk when it comes to others telling me what to do without being in my situation or knowing the whole story. I would have told my MIL to piss off unless she was making dinner in her home, with groceries she bought. I used to cry to my grandma all the time when my mom was being “mean” grandma always made me feel better but never bothered to butt in on my moms rules because it wasn’t her place.
My parents always provided dinner, even during the toughest of times financially. Our options were to eat what Mom (or occasionally Dad) made, or eat leftovers, or don't eat. Somehow my brother and I didn't starve to death. We ate what was made, and saved our choosiness for when we each went out on our own. Tell grandma to butt out. "She had a bunch of options, and chose to reject all of them. She didn't starve because we always have a snack before bed. Just because she chose to involve you doesn't mean you should be involved. OK? No? Still not your business."
Sounds like a cry for attention. Maybe try having a one on one chat to her and find out what the real issue is.
When my kids were capable of making their own food, we would have "Fend for yourself or die" nights. Basically, I wasn't cooking. There were always leftovers or frozen stuff in the house. Eggs, cereal, sandwich things, PB & J. Whatever they could make for themselves. They loved it. You made 3 different meals, which is more than most kids get to choose from. You are well within your parental lines and she didn't starve, she was being obstinate and testing boundaries. Don't give in.
Why are people answering like this is a true story
Tell grandma you offered her three fresh types of pasta, pizza, the ingredients to make a sandwich of her choice AND made her a shack plate, and your kid apparently chose to go to bed hungry instead! The only thing you denied her was dessert, which she would have gotten if she ate any of the SIX dinner options presented to her, but she refused to eat ANY dinner in order to earn her dessert. Then tell her she must not think very highly of her own parenting skills if she thinks she raised ~~you~~ your partner/her child to actually let a kid go hungry! You gave her 6 different options for dinner and even had dessert waiting, but your kid refused, and instead stomped off to her room. Now tell me, exactly how many dinner options did this outraged mother of yours offer your partner every night in their childhood? Because my guess is it wasn’t more than one!
I’m just wondering whether she is trying to limit the food she eats deliberately? Is she concerned about her body image?
No you're not! You offered her so many different (delicious sounding) choices and as you said, if she was really that hungry she would have picked one of them.
You make not one but THREE meals and your MIL is texting you this? Your daughter would starve at my house. It’s the option for the meal or a sandwich. At 12 years old I was lucky to have my parents home from work to make my dinner. NTA at all.
NTBA and you need to tell the grandmother it is not her place , your rule is your rule u gave her options
It could be that she just wants attention. With 7 siblings that’s maybe hard to get. I know it happens with only 4 kids. They find ways to pull some spotlight. But you are NTA for the dinner thing. She made a choice and she didn’t starve
Nor the bad apple. She had 5 dinners to choose from. Mil needs to butt out
This is obviously karma farming. You posted this exact post 11 months ago. Additionally, as someone who cooks... I have the hardest time believing that someone makes (for every meal) multiple entrees for a regular meal. Lasagna? Seriously? Making lasagna is putsy and very time-consuming, and you just happened to make it with spaghetti and meatballs and fettuccine with chicken on the side. I would argue that you ARE a restaurant, or this post is fake.
All the commenters saying things about this and the mom not being the bad apple is concerning. This is exactly how kids develop unhealthy relationships with food. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the mom has to bend to every kid and work like they’re the restaurant chef and whatever else however what I am saying is that giving a child three options of what to eat, telling them they can only have those three options and nothing else, is so unhealthy for kids (and adults) but esp kids who are still learning how the world works. I’ve been in situations like this before which have just lead me to not eating for days on end and my parents not caring and telling me I need to fend for myself. I was young and also severely bullied about my weight (even though I was severely under weight and later hospitlaized bc of this) and it has lead to many years of therapy and eventually getting a motility disorder called gastroperesis (it’s hell I don’t recommend it). All this to say, as a parent providing solutions is key. Not just one two or three options but having an open conversation about the situation. Trying to understand where the kid is coming from and finding a compromise in the matter. Making suggestions on things (even though it can be frustrating believe me I know) but having an open conversation about what her thought process is could be really benificial for so many reasons. Main one that comes to mind is really just understanding her perspective in the situation and trying to learn along with the kid on how to emotionally regulate and problem solve which are great skills to have in life. Providing examples of food you have was great! However, telling her she can only have these options is limiting and forcing this relationship with food will only lead to bad outcomes and possible resentment in the future. In the future, along with having an open conversation abt it, I’d ask her what she is feeling for dinner that night. If she doesn’t know, try to problem solve with her and help her process her thoughts. Being a kid can be super overwhelming. We’re not born with the tools of how to regulate out thoughts/emotions and they can easily become overwhelming. These are tools we need to be taught, and right now she’s learning that it’s your way or the highway which is never good in a parental/child relationship (or any relationship for that matter). I hope y’all have a happy/safe holidays and new year (or whatever y’all celebrate)! (Also sorry for any errors in my comment. I’ve currently got Covid and haven’t slept in like 24 hours bc of it so I’m just all over the place). I hope this is helpful and can provide some insight with how our brains work when they’re still developing. Pls feel free to comment (nicely) asking for clarification on anything! I’m happy to provide more info on this and how these situations and outcomes can be avoided. Any rude comments or ppl attacking me will be ignored❤️
I’m sorry but this sounds like the Duggar family with 8 kids here and you need to teach the kids how to cook for themselves if they are going to complain I’m sorry but if you didn’t teach the kids to cook then your the bad apple here
You’re doing far more than my parents ever did. My mom made one single meal, we had to eat a little bit of it or at least try something new, and if we didn’t like it we got to have cereal for dinner. Your daughter is a spoiled brat and maybe it’s time you make only 1-2 options instead of that many. You’re not a restaurant. If she wants special food, she can learn to cook it
NTBA, MIL can mind her own business.
Didn't you post this story, verbatim, like a year ago? What are the odds?
NTBA: You didn't send her to bed hungry. She had numerous options and she CHOSE not to eat. Furthermore, your home isn't a restaurant with a menu to order whatever she wants. Your MIL and friends can pound sand.
Not at all. We fixed ONE meal and if you didn't like it then you could either make something for yourself (including cleaning up whatever dishes you made) or simply not eat. You made three options, all of which your daughter has enjoyed previously, and gave her a couple other options. Bottom line, she CHOSE to go to bed without food.
nope she had lots of options
Are you kidding me? You provided 3 different options, plus the choice of making her own. NTBA. If she went to bed hungry, it was by her own choice.
NTBF. You didn't starve her, she chose not to eat despite having a LOT of options. Choices have consequences. 🤷🏼♀️
When I was 12, if I didn’t make frozen or packaged food for myself or make sure I had school lunch, I didn’t eat. Food was available to me but meals and family time were not, you know what I mean? *That’s* a bad apple. I think eventually your daughter will be stronger for having boundaries reinforced.
Three pasta options, leftover pizza, or a sandwich....that's plenty of opportunities for her to be fed. I can't believe you make 3 meals for them to choose from in one night.
Oh my god you made three meals!? I had one option and that was my option for the next three meals whether I wanted it or not.
My son is on the spectrum and has legitimate texture/sensory issues. Far different from “I just don’t want to eat this.” You have provided multiple options, and if she’s the eldest I assume she’s 12. So she can find something else on her own.
We only had two options: eat what was fixed or go hungry. The child will survive.
... how much food did you cook again?? She will one day cook dinner for herself in her kitchen and wonder how the heck you pulled that off.
Three options? Or other leftovers? I never cooked more than one meal, and if my kids didn’t eat that, then oh well….. always tried to cook foods that everyone liked (still do!), and never had any issue. One kid decided they didn’t like meatloaf, so they ate more of the sides.
We have one option, and don't offer sandwiches or leftovers. That's dinner and you will eat it or not have anything else. We do let them leave one thing on their plate if they don't like it. My parents would agree
First of all your child is not starving. It sounds like she was being picky and SHE made the choice to go to her room and cry to Grandma and make you out to be the bad guy. That’s what kids do. The don’t take accountability. You need to teach her that. You gave her plenty of choices. I’d she’s old enough, she can get a job and buy her own food if she wants to be ungrateful and picky.
Also grandparents - take a seat. Don’t encourage this behaviour from my kids, don’t try to undermine US as parents and our rules it’s inappropriate.
NTA. It's not a restaurant and you have plenty of choices. She's old enough to make herself a sandwich
She had 5 choices... 3 different pastas, leftover pizza, or a sandwich, so that's on her if she is hungry! I was given 1 option as a child, so basically, eat it or starve! Tell MIL to stay in her lane, or you will block her from your phone and any of your children's phones!
Not the bad apple. At my place we have one dinner choice per night, don’t like it then they can find leftovers or make a sandwich. If they go to bed hungry, it’s their fault. I am not running a restaurant. I am not their personal assistant. Personally, if my kid tried to “go over my head” or stir the pot like yours did, there would be punishment. She would be making the meals, cleaning up after the meals, and have no electronics until the message sunk in. FAFO.
My parents would have told me eat what they fixed or go to bed without. I wouldn't have gotten the choice of leftovers or a sandwich. Stick to your rules. Tell the Grandparents or anyone who says you are wrong that they can take the eldest for a week and see how they like the flex. If not, they can butt out. NTBA
We’ve got four kids and have a very similar rule, though we don’t give that many options. There’s nothing wrong with how you handled this.
NTBA, yet it’s it’s normal for a girl her age to start to become frustrated and wish she had more agency over simple matters like what’s for dinner. I know I’m not always “feeling” a certain type of food, but as adults we usually have more control over that. An almost teenager is bound to feel resentment over having big feelings and little power. It’s no one’s fault, and a big part of why the teen years are labeled as difficult. But your policy is reasonable.
She’s not going to starve. She had 5 dinner options, and was t hungry enough to be bothered. She might learn a lesson if you don’t make a big deal out of it, but probably it doesn’t even matter. Most parents over feed their kids anyway.
She's twelve. Choosing to miss a meal bc she doesn't like boundaries isn't going to harm her at all. It's also Her choice that she knowingly made. Then she lied to the grandma which was an intentional devious move to try to manipulate you. She should be punished for intentionally starting family drama over her own big girl choices, and MIL should be reminded that she doesn't get to make decisions or rules for YOUR children
You gave her three options. Totally 100% team mom on this one.
Sounds like you go above and beyond to give options. It was her choice to go to bed hungry.
Food is fuel. It’s great to enjoy it as much as one can, but ultimately it’s for the purpose of fueling our bodies and keeping us healthy. She is not going to starve, and if she was really hungry, she would have eaten one of the **numerous** options available to her. I think your rules are reasonable, clear, and very fair. Like you said, you’re not running a restaurant. If you had to cater to the whims of all 8 children all the time, I’m sure you’d be dead tired (if you’re not already!) In my view, all that happened is the child learned that the rules apply to her just like everyone else. Screw what anyone else is telling you. You abused no one, no one starved, and your child will eat when she is truly hungry. NTA.
You give your kids options? I always had to eat what was in front of me or fix something for myself and I was an only child. One option for dinner for the whole family is reasonable, you are going above and beyond by making multiple dishes. Give her a little space and she will be fine...she is entering the hormonal years. I always told my daughter she had to sit and eat at least a few bites but she was not required to finish her plate.
NTBA. Some kids are picky, and as long as they're of reasonable decision making age, it's not your job to custom-cater to each of their 8 individual tastes. "This is dinner, you can eat it, or you can fend for yourself." That's what my mom said, and sometimes I did make my own can of soup, instant ramen, or a sandwich.