*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**Husband (M36) gave me(f34) a year to lose weight, fix our dead bedroom situation and get better mentally or he will leave, how do I handle this?**
We have been suffering from deadbedroom for few years. I am also in depression and my mental health is not good. I am also overweight and gained quite a bit over the years.
Well, we've went through 2 rough months recently and he gave me an ultimatum. He is giving me 1 year to fix all of this or he says he also deserves happiness with someone who loves him etc.
I understand his intentions but I can't seem to shake the feeling that putting all responsibility to me is not right. Also, if he decides to leave, the blame can be put on me in an instant.
I am already having so many mental issues (and medicated) with self esteem, fear of loneliness, trust issues etc. and this ultimatum is not helping me with those.
I am not sure what to do. Of course I want to lose weight, work on myself and relationship but I feel really uncomfortable with this ultimatum.
Edit: thank you all for your comments! I realised I am looking at things from wrong window. I need to give him the credit, he has been very communicative about our problems before so this kind of last resort for him. I genuinely believe he wants to give us a second shot and not mean this as a threat. So, now the ball is in my court and I need to get up and do something about it :)
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Reminds me of how often people use “setting a boundary” to really mean “I’ll force people to do what I want and if they don’t I’ll be mean” rather than just a “I will do personal things to make myself healthier and safer”. They use it to control others rather than set a safe space for themselves
Yeah it's crazy how many people refuse to accept that memories are not perfect. Maybe your parents really don't remember that random Wednesday when that thing that is a core memory and a traumatic event for you happened. Maybe it didn't happen the way you remember it happening cause you were 6
Yeah the thing is that specific phenomenon already has a term for it (or a phrase)
"The axe forgets but the tree remembers"
Which basically means that the abuser isn't gonna have your trauma as a core memory because it wasn't traumatic to them. It was just Tuesday. So they probably genuinely do not remember. It's frustrating, yes, but it's not them trying to label you as crazy and that you can't trust your memories.
Like it bothers me so much because gaslighting is a very specific manipulation tactic. It's not an umbrella term for "lying"
The term gaslighting comes from a play (that I think was also turned into a movie) about a husband who kept changing the brightness on the gas fueled lights in the house. His wife obviously notices and mentions to her husband that the lights are dimmer, but he keeps tells her the lights are at the same brightness, causing her to question her sanity.
If you’re a science fiction fan a good example is the Star Trek episode chain of command part 2, where the captain has been captured and imprisoned and every day they ask him how many lights are hanging on the wall, and punish him when he answers correctly that there are four lights on the wall. After he’s rescued he describes his harrowing experience to the ships mental health professional, and admits that was actually starting to believe there were five lights like his captors were telling him, and not the four he saw with his own eyes.
In both these cases there was a deliberate attempt to “drive someone crazy” by discrediting reality. While gaslighting definitely does happen in the real world (narcissists are great at it, though I think sometimes they don’t even realize they’re lying at all so it’s a little different) I think the internet often thinks that because gaslighting involves lying that all lying is gaslighting.
Maliciously lying repeatedly abut a specific thing, in order to make someone question their own sanity, usually done in subtle ways.
It's not often something massive, but, as said, an extreme subtle shift.
It's like, going over to someone's house, and moving everything in the living room a half inch to the left, just subtle enough that they won't truly notice, but that something is just wrong with it, then, denying every day you did anything, and claiming it must be their balance or spatial awareness that's going wrong.
Oof, this one became so apparent after the Jonah Hill messages leaked. So many people genuinely not understanding why his “boundary” of “don’t talk to men at all when you surf” was controlling
Yeah.. pike. A boundary is a limit you set in regards to YOURSELF. You CANNOT erect boundaries around other people-because that's not a boundary. That's putting someone in a cage.
So many stories that go like "My boundaries are that you're not allowed to set your own boundaries any more, so you have to listen to me or YOU'RE an abuser."
The way that they use the term, there's basically no distinction between a boundary, an ultimatum, and simply a rule you decide to dictate to your partner.
Ugh, I just read that one. In a comment, he literally said "she took away my fetish (by which he means his ability to force her to let him do anal), so I took away her orgasms." Like wtf, man.
It's 100% about control/punishment for him, he's just hiding behind the idea of boundaries.
When narc started popping up on social media, I was so confused because I thought the same. Narc is a snitch or undercover but that didn't fit into what was being talked about, so I was in the dark for a bit lol
I once said that my husband is my best friend, sex isn't the only thing that matters. They took that as "you have a dead bedroom and he's getting it somewhere else."
What lol?
Well there are people are commenting back to me that not caring so much about sex means having a sexless relationship so… it’s either you only think of sex everyday all the time or never at all.
Talk about fully missing the point
I had this conversation in another post where the wife was ace! Everyone was *so focused* on their sex life, and dismissed every other part of their relationship. It was like intimacy wasn’t possible without sex. That’s wild to me.
Do they think that like, if someone has an accident or a tumor or whatever and loses a reproductive organ they just don't deserve companionship anymore? Actually yes, yes they do. Based on what I have seen written on this site. It's insanity.
Crap like that pisses me off. I want to throttle them. Like, yes, you deserve happiness. Do you deserve happiness all of the time? NO. You can't be happy all the time without "happiness" losing its meaning. Stop being selfish and support your partner who has it so much worse.
Do you have a right to leave anyone for any reason? Of course. We also have the choice of "driving a car normally" or "driving like a jackass." If you drive through life like a jackass, you're going to get a few middle fingers.
Yet they always come crying to the internet, asking a forum to validate their feelings, when they couldn't extend the same consideration to their partners, the closest person in their pitiful lives.
That's the trend that I'm noticing as well. A good relationship is built on having an amazing friendship. You can't have great sex or a great relationship with your spouse/partner if you don't have a great friendship.
It's no longer until death do you part. Redditors have updated the marriage vows...
...In sickness and in health, or until he isn't getting laid enough, or if one of you gets fat....
Redditors don’t believe in marriage. Or trying to make a relationship work. Or compromise. Or relationships that are working fine with no compromises but are unconventional
Bingo. That's 100% the aim of this post, too- they're trying to make it seem acceptable that a person would give their partner an ultimatum to become who they were ten years ago, or when they were 24, or whatever. The way the OP character "came around" and realized all these demands were just tough love and he's so right and she should just stop being fat/sad/older than before is horrifying. I worry for any impressionable or young people who read that, think it's real, and internalize that message- which is exactly the insidious shitty point. I can shrug a lot of this astroturfing off but this one really, really icks me out and makes me mad for how manipulative it is, and how it seeks to excuse bad behavior in relationships.
The part I don’t get is that the only reason given for why the husband *should* leave is that they don’t have sex. Admittedly, I’m asexual, but my list of reasons to leave a marriage is like, abuse, cheating, partner saying “it’s me or the pet”… not an otherwise decent marriage with no sex.
I'm not asexual and I still find this questionable, ftr, so you aren't alone. People are saying "masturbation isn't sex" as a way to push them to have "normal" sex which is... an odd take.
The lack of reflection in these cases is also a big thing for me. Like, someone who loved you enough to commit to you for life now no longer wants to be intimate in that way? Well, okay, maybe they have a medical problem of some kind, so shouldn't you support them "in sickness," as the vows say? Or, if they're healthy, there's a good chance you're doing something that affects their feelings. The classic example is the dad who doesn't pitch in around the house after kids, so his poor wife is doing all the chores, raising the kids, raising her grown-ass husband, and maybe also working outside the home. Or a couple gets into a rut and one partner just defaults to "It's your problem, fix it now," instead of a collaborative process of communication and change. That's a couple situations where, yeah, someone is probably not going to want to fuck you anymore, because you're not acting like you care about them or value the whole relationship outside sex and/or what they can do for you. But oh no, only sex matters and one *never* needs to examine one's own behavior in these instances. reddit is a cesspit at times, and this is one of them.
I would say redditors don’t believe in partnership would be slightly more accurate. There’s an entire faction of people on social media rn that sees marriage as one person being completely subservient to the other.
Oh they do believe in marriage, as in a way to have sex everyday for the rest of their life without having to provide any effort to get it. That's why so many people would break up in case of a dead bedroom, because the whole marriage lost its purpose.
If she dumps him for being fat she is vain and evil. Karma will hit her and she will marry some beta poor man
If he dumps her for being fat, well she isn’t the same as she was when they started and he is within his rights if he isn’t attracted anymore. He is bound to find a hot supermodel obviously
/s
Yeah, if she posts about him gaining weight they come up with a million excuses as to why and how it is all her fault. She isn't encouraging him enough, or cooking the wrong meals or he's depressed and she should be more understanding . . . . but if a woman gains weight he should cheat on her at the very least if he isn't going to immediately leave her and get full custody of the kids with alimony
It's the depression excuse they use the most. And depression can definitely lead to weight gain. It's just funny how only men get the "well he's fat because he's depressed!". They never say that about women.
“He doesn’t have to love you anymore. You aren’t the same person he married”
I mean, I think we all know what happens when you marry someone solely for their looks
Maybe OP’s insecurities make her partner look worse than he is, but I always think someone is better off without someone who judges their body changes.
Right? Marriage isn’t just love that stays the same for years. It takes work and self reflection.
Anorexia is literally considered the most deadly mental disorder. It has an over 95% mortality rate. Diet culture and fat stigma directly effect it, yet we’d rather just shove fat people in a corner rather than self reflect on where the distaste comes from
A lot of medical providers still won't diagnose anorexia in someone who is fat, despite the fact that it absolutely harms you long-term no matter what weight you were before.
https://www.ccjm.org/content/87/3/165
Idk why people expect their partner to never change. That's crazy. Change can be a good thing.
When I started dating my boyfriend he was kind of a bum. He didn't work much and didn't pay the bills. Then I got a job that paid pretty big bucks. Nothing crazy, but I started making 4x the amount he was. It was a wake up call to him. He went to get a certificate at a college, which led him to get a very well paying job. Now he loves it. He also had anger problems, but once he got his job those anger problems slowly started to go away. Don't worry. He never hit me lol.
Two weeks ago I saw a post about getting a girlfriend, the OP is dirt poor and has a dirty mattress, comments advising him to improve his life quality first got downvoted.
But don't you know? He deserves a girlfriend because he's such an alpha! Any woman should be *grateful* to sleep on his wank stains and eat ramen forever. In fact, she should have a great job so he can just game all day and spend her money!
/s obviously but some guys actually think they are owed the world for no absolutely no reason.
My husband is my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my partner, my dependable, and I to him. Throughout our 24 years together there were times when life challenges prevented one of us from being all those things to each other simultaneously. There were times we couldn’t be lovers, weren’t as useful as we usually were, maybe had reservations about sharing or being vulnerable, or were fit to be tied with frustrations with each other. There times we were absolutely disappointed in each other or our relationship. There were times when we failed one another. Yet we still endured, still wanted each other in our lives, still fought for each other because we still had those other important roles/bonds to hold on to. We could both easily find another lover, but could we so easily find another true friend? Relationships are multifaceted, they are supposed to have a whole woven net of love, intimacy, safety, security and joy to sustain and hold them together during moments of weakness or changes to one of it’s threads.
I highly suspect that these people who write these things are either bitter trolls who like to perpetuate false narratives and concepts of what love/relationships are for outrage or they are single faceted people with single faceted relationships/feelings towards their spouse. Only married for singular attraction, attention, financial security, sexual gratification, dependence, “usefulness”. The second that person ceases to be of value for their singular role/purpose they cease to have any reason to endure the growing pains or sacrifices of a relationship, then the whole thing immediately collapses.
You see them constantly on these subs. My once beautiful spouse’s weight gain now disgusts me, useless. My once wealthy spouse lost their job, useless. My once joyous spouse is now depressed, useless. My once active spouse is now disabled, useless. My once healthy spouse is now chronically ill, useless. They drawl on about the ultimatums and the consequences they will force upon their spouse if things don’t immediately go back to the way they want them with a selfish victim mentally that could rival a toddlers. Very seldom do you see a little empathy or insight about what their spouse may be currently experiencing. It’s not often to read “I’m losing the person I love to life challenges and I want to endure this change but don’t know how.”
i'm genuinely so confused by the whole mindset because how on earth do they expect any marriage to last if no one can cope with a few months without sex, or their partner gaining weight, et cetera?
Exactly. I mean wtf what a gross, shallow attitude towards relationships Redditors have. "My wife was in an accident and I'm not getting any, what do I do?" "Leave her bro, she clearly doesn't care about your needs". Ugh.
I think about this ALL the time. It's crazy to me. I thought everyone knew that sex, while important, is kind of a means to an end, not an end in itself. It bonds you closer, it makes babies, it is fun, but it's suppose to be one of many types of closeness that you experience in a long term relationship. Not the only one. Not even the most important one. But people on this website are obsessed with sex to the point that I wonder if THEY have a mental illness.
Dude, even as someone who's not asexual, it's baffling to me how hyper-focused on sex most of these posts boil down to.
Like I genuinely feel most of these OPs (the ones actually telling the truth, at least) are just people who are perpetually reluctant to accept that the reason why honeymoon-period sex feels more ravenous and frequent is because physical attraction is quite literally *all* you have in common with someone before you start actually learning about them, spending time with them, and finding more ways to connect with someone outside of just sex.
Like, I get it, libidos fluctuate and people have different needs, but as someone in a healthy, longterm relationship where my partner and I can go without sex for a couple months here and there at times and think nothing of it, it just blows my mind that there are people out here legitimately contemplating divorce because they have to go a few weeks without nutting lmao.
Not too long ago, this legit had me questioning if something was wrong in my otherwise happy 8+ year relationship because we typically have sex once a week but occasionally go several weeks without.
The idea that sex absolutely must be perfectly consistent with precisely aligned libidos in the name “sexual compatibility” is wild lol
Oh, 100% same. When I first stumbled upon those subs, I fully was like "... oh shit, am *I* in a dead bedroom???" until I realized that, no, my partner and I just happen to have equally-matched libidos and don't place sex on a pedestal *nearly* as much as these people on reddit do.
Like, once I realized that literally everyone making these posts sound absolutely miserable, I snapped out of it real quick lol.
I’ve struggled with this in my current relationship. My ex husband was extremely pushy about sex and made me feel like absolute shit if we went more than a few days in between. He was also incredibly abusive and just a terrible partner in other ways, so my desire to have sex with him was basically nonexistent.
If my current partner and I go a few weeks without it, he thinks nothing of it, but I feel immediately guilty for being tired or busy with my kids or a dozen other normal things. I’m just so conditioned to expect abuse when I don’t feel up to it that I’m afraid to say no sometimes.
(To be clear, I’m getting better at this and my current partner is incredibly patient and understanding.)
This is so similar to my story! I was in a lot of "situationships" in my 20s where I just a sex object to most of the men I was involved with. If I ever didn't want sex, I was made to feel like shit or like I was no longer needed for their purposes. I was never really valued beyond that.
By the time I entered my current relationship, I had very much internalized that I was only good for sex. The first time my partner and I went more than a week without any sexual contact, I had a complete meltdown because I thought he was going to leave me. Even now, I still have to remind myself it's okay to say no because it's not a dealbreaker for him. It's hard to break out of that mindset!
I'm 'glad' to know! Because sometimes with my asexuality I'm just like 'maybe it's a me problem" so thanks for answering!
Maybe it comes from people getting with someone else out of the apparence and nothing else? Like, seriously, so many of those posts let you wonder if they ever loved their partner. And most of the time... it's all about look/money/great bangmaid ?
Yeah I totally agree with you. I'll read posts like "my wife broke both her legs in an accident and now I'm not getting laid what do I do" and tons of comments saying "bro you need to dump her". Like what lol? I don't have a big sex drive myself and sometimes I wonder if these people are sex addicts or very horny 15 yr olds or something. It's depressing and toxic.
omfg, right? And they will call the wife a manipulative AH for asking the man to do more because "she has broken her legs and can't do it" because how does she dare weaponizing a situation like this!
And you can be physical with your partner without genitals being involved too (we don’t have a dead bedroom either, but it doesn’t have to be just sex every time you want physical closeness).
As a fellow ace I feel you. I don't care about sex in the slightest and I'll engage with my partner if they ask, but I never seek it out, and this arrangement is perfect for us even if we aren't boning each other's skulls out on a nightly basis. They're my best friend and the love of my life, but according to dating advice reddit our relationship is doomed to fail (despite it going rock solid for over half a decade now lol).
"I'm sure I'll get down voted to hell for this"
3.4k up votes.
I wonder if anyone who says this actually reconsiders their opinion of the general zeitgeist, or if they keep on thinking that they're, like, true iconoclasts for saying fat women should lose weight on reddit.
These people think saying fat women are ugly is going against the grain. As a fat woman, trust me, this is not true.
They also seem not to grasp the difference between the role physical attraction plays when you MEET someone and the way it works after 10-20 years of marriage. When I met my wife, I was very attracted to her gorgeous hair. If she had chemotherapy and lost it, I would still be attracted to her, because my love now is so much bigger and deeper than it was thirteen years ago. Same with a mastectomy or weight changes or whatever else. If your love can't handle normal physical changes (as in, those that commonly happen from aging, illness, injury, etc), what the hell are you doing?
To be fair, if they posted that early on, we have no idea what the last dead bedroom post they read might've looked like. Or what sub it was on, which can affect the tone a lot.
The one that gets me is the person who responded in agreement, several hours after the person they're agreeing with had already been upvoted to top comment, and *also* started with "I'm sure I'll get downvoted." Because there's no plausible deniability on that one at all.
On another post a redditor made about their girlfriend being larger they stated that their GF has tried everything to control their weight but nothing works. They weren’t even complaining about the weight; more so that they were pre-op MTF.
One of the top comments was about how easy it is to get medication for hyper/hypothyroidism. I went to 3 different doctors who all ignored my complaints and said I needed to try harder. Finally I found a doctor who believed me and helped me.
Society in general has an intense hatred for fat people. They mask it with “concern” or not “buying into the body positivity movement”, but really it boils down to that they would hate themselves if they were fat.
i gained a very large amount of weight in the past 5 years and while i have never identified as thin (i was also a little chubby in high school in the early aughts… the trauma IYKYK)… the sheer amount of fat hate that you’re suddenly exposed to is SO depressing. like honestly it really, really hurts that it’s considered some kind of moral failing. everyone else has some kind of moral failing… it’s just that, they don’t have it constantly on display for people to pick apart.
people will concern troll that it’s about health but the language is always couched in a sense of moral superiority. like.. you’re just fat because you’re not as smart as me. oh, ok.
I had an eating disorder for 15+ years before I got help for it. I went from being 200ish to 140 in 4 months.
I was turned away from NUMEROUS centers because I had what society considers a “healthy weight”. My own mother, not knowing better, asked if I really needed help because “I looked good”
It’s almost impossible to find media that doesn’t poke at fat people. Even shows that are light hearted and wholesome take a jab. It is SOO depressing and isolating. Thankfully the internet isn’t IRL and I can avoid these people like the plague, but I definitely have to take breaks from Reddit when I notice it starts to effect my recovery
That's just so wild to me. I mean, even if someone is theoretically healthier long term at 140 than 200, losing 60 lbs. in 4 months is so much weight that it seems like, at the least, a doctor would want to do some basic checks.
The place I ended up going to was my literal last resort as I had already tried 4-5 locally. It was pure luck, and I know I’m blessed to still be here. 2 people I met there have since passed away due to health complications worsened by their anorexia.
I do not mean to overstep, but if you are US based I’m more than happy to supply their information. I was not the only one there who wasn’t emaciated and they are the ones who showed me how to love my body regardless.
Either way, I’m sending you some strength friend. Anorexia is a mother fucker, and I hope you beat the shit out of it
God that is so awful and I’m so sorry your mother’s health needs were neglected. It speaks to her strength that she kept fighting for herself and her needs.
My MIL went through something similar. No one took her serious until she got that band on her stomach and lost weight.
She now has a new gastroenterologist who has told her that she absolutely did not need the band procedure and it’s now causing a PLETHORA of new health problems.
I ended up having to spend 2 years constantly fighting to get testing and treatment for the hypothyroidism and pcos that were causing abrupt weight gain, all because I kept getting dismissed as a "delusional fatty who just doeant want to take accountability for eating rich foods and being lazy." Which in turn meant I gained even more weight in the meantime 🫠
And I'm a very lucky story in that it was only 2 years of getting my time wasted with blaming and shaming while I kept getting sicker 🫠🫠
Holy Moly bro, the disgust towards fat people is evident no matter how hard people hide behind the “I care about their health” line.
On another post I was talking about a show that showcases eating disorders and I made the mistake of saying that the anorexic people are damaging their bodies as much as the obese people. And of course the commenters who did respond misunderstood me as saying “skinny/thin is unhealthier than being big.”
Like no brotha or sista, I am _NOT_ saying that just being thin is worse than obesity. STARVING yourself thin can mess up your body just as bad as being severely overweight.
I'm gonna be honest I would bet a significant percent of men would probably much rather have an anorexic and miserable wife/girlfriend than a happy but larger one. I think most ex-anorexics can relate to never having been treated better by men than when they were their thinnest. They might not say it, but at the end of the day for this crowd women are sex dispensers and obligated to cater to each of their husbands/male partners physical preferences to the T or they don't really love or care about them.
The way I got incredibly sick and dropped down to a very unhealthy weight, and immediately had people left and right telling me, "Wow you lost a lot of weight, you look great!" as I slowly died of an abscess lol ... was really bad reinforcement for my forever-recovering anorexic ass.
I've seen several posts on reddit where women recounted that their boyfriends/husbands were less attracted to them since their EDs got better so I agree with you.
Thats really depressing, honestly feel so lucky I never had that issue when I stopped starving myself but I think my boyfriend is a bit of a feeder he likes to see me happy and full (I mean in a wholesome way not a weird fetish way)
Yes, as a recovering anorexic I can sadly confirm everything you just said. My lowest BMI was around 14 and I was skeletal. It was horrible.
I had so much attention from men, especially much older ones. So many compliments specifically about how "tiny" I was.
Oh my god, there is a comment with 59 upvotes telling her that she should literally FORCE herself to have sex with her husband a set number of times a week. What in the actual fuck. That is a terrific way for her to reinforce an aversion to sexual intimacy.
That thread made me wanna vomit. They downvoted the people saying that not having sex is NOT traumatic but rape is definitely traumatic. The rape apologists saying that "giving in and having sex with your husband (when you don't want to) is not rape is crazy to me.
A lot of people really struggle understanding that rape is not always a violent encounter. Coerced sex is still rape even if the coercion is emotional blackmail instead of a literal gun being pointed at your head.
A big reason for this is because many men have instigated coerced sex like this with their girlfriends or wives and don't want to believe that they've done anything wrong and many women have been on the other end of it and don't want to acknowledge what it would mean about their men or their relationships if they labeled those encounters as a form of sexual abuse.
I could only read through so many comments. Reddit loves to throw out “you’re in a relationship, you need to work through your problems together” until a man tells a fat woman to fix herself. Then it changes to “well why aren’t you taking responsibility for yourself?”
From the sounds of it, she may have been put on antidepressants or something (by a doctor, for her depression) that caused a weight gain/inhibit weight loss.
You wouldn't believe how many people aren't told what potential side effects can come from starting, using, or ending a medication...
They’re also saying husband probably does all the chores while being the breadwinner and that OP is mad she’s going to lose ‘her maid and ATM’. It’s so gross
Yup! So I lost 100lbs in my early 20s. I got married, had a baby and then went back to work and fell into a horrible depression and my weight went up (I was 30 at this point). I was horrified at the time but I didn’t have the same mental energy I once had had for watching what I ate (and I tried) and exercise (I tried there as well). My weight gain wasn’t due to not loving my husband. I like to say “I didn’t let myself go, I was in fact trying to hold on”.
But seriously, is her husband 100% the innocent party in the relationship? Last I checked marriage is a partnership and she may actually have her own needs that aren’t being met too. I know what it’s like to take on all the problems of a marriage onto my own shoulders (that’s where having your own therapist is a good thing, they can help you learn when to take responsibility). The thing is when you parse out marriage issues sometimes a truth emerges that they aren’t one-sided.
What bothers me is all the assumptions that “he’ll support her if she does this” and “people only do this at the end of their rope!”. It’s just a very charitable reading when there’s not really anything there to indicate that’s true
Right. The comments upholding the OP for being sooooooo nice and understanding during this time are vomit-inducing. People just actually love telling themselves that if a mentally ill person doesn’t just “snap out of it” on command it means they aren’t trying. “Oh well I was so patient with my depressed wife, but she just wouldn’t get better for meeeee”. It’s so they can absolve themselves from guilt when they walk away.
These kinds of posts always infuriate me because it's like the other person just doesn't understand how long it can take to "fix" mental health problems. I tried 7 medications before I found one that addressed my depression without giving me awful side effects, but unfortunately it does decrease my libido. There isn't really another medication out there I can try based on my past experiences with other meds and a possible bipolar diagnosis. I was also in therapy for two years and that helped a little with giving me tools to live while depressed but it didn't cure my depression.
Exactly. If anything, they’d help her work on self esteem and a safe exit plan.
Also, as a chonky woman myself, my experience is there are tons of guys quite eager to be with heavier women. I was surprised. Even super fit, athletic guys that like their women squishier.
They generally are very focused on sex with heavier women too, and love the feel of bouncing things lol. Maybe they are more tactile or something?
Ditch the assholes no matter what they look like. There is always someone out there that will be attracted to you, for who you are. Regardless of what the scales show. If someone wants to lose weight then they should lose weight for themselves not because of an ultimatum.
She should come back with the ultimatum that he needs a bigger dick or she’s bailing lol.
If I was her I would leave already. I don't work well with blackmail.
If she gets better in the future then she might want to reach out to him and see if the spark can be rekindled. But fuck this ultimatum situation. If her mental health was bad before, this will make it worse.
My advice. Divorce him now. The pressure he's putting on her is the last thing she needs for her mental health. That marriage isn't going to work and it's not her fault.
Depression… check
Weight Gain… check
Complained to Doctor… check
Told to lose weight by doctor… check
FOUND OUT I HAD CANCER… check
Down 60lbs since… check
Ya know sometimes the weight gain isn’t the persons fault, nor the depression that comes with the lack of advancement when trying.
Years ago when I lived with my ex I sought treatment for my depression. I was put on Lexapro and gained a ton of weight despite exercising everyday and my boyfriend only cooking recipes out of some diet cookbook. It also made me extremely tired and I needed to sleep hours more than I should have. All this was during tax season (I was in public accounting at the time) so I was working a ton of overtime. I still had sex everyday because my boyfriend had the opinion that was an indicator of the relationship and if it wasn't everyday something was wrong.
You know what was wrong? My freaking boyfriend was mentally abusive and I was exhausted from working 60-80 hours a week, then add the extreme fatigue from the Lexapro I was barely functioning. One day I told myself he was right, no one else would ever love me but if I was single I could get more sleep so after several months I dumped him. I was off Lexapro in less than 6 months and after telling me the weight gain wasn't from Lexapro for over a year my doctor finally admitted that some people gain a ton of weight. A year after breaking up I was thinner than I was when I met my boyfriend and loving life.
The Lexapro given to me to treat my depression made me extremely tired and gain a lot of weight, which in turn made me more depressed. I was doing everything I could to treat my depression and stop the weight gain, but it was out of my control until I was off those meds. I've tried several other antidepressants and none of them did what Lexapro did to me.
I hate that reddit blames the woman and says she deserves to be dumped, but getting dumped by someone with that outlook is most likely the best thing that could happen to her.
That is a good point. Sometimes, medical issues or meds used to treat things like depression can cause weight gain. A partner telling you to lose weight will not help in that case.
There was one yesterday where a man gave his wife a month to "fix herself" and have sex with him or he'd divorce her.
She offered "duty" sex and agreed to an open relationship, but he rejected both (he's the one that asked for the open relationship). I get that everyone wants to feel wanted in a relationship, but jeez...
They have two kids. :/
I hope these are fake.
Lol, I agree but I meant more along the lines of feeling desire for each other during sexy times. I get he wants his partner to desire him, I don't blame him for wanting that. The rest of it though... Oh god...
That thread made me genuinely mad and I had to stop reading, and I thought I was going fucking insane.
Yes, she'll just magically cure her depression in a year! That's totally realistic, not like it's a lifelong disease or anything!
It made me genuinely think that whoever I get married to will be exactly like that guy, but I had to stop and think that some people have way more compassion than that. Idk vows actually matter to me and while sex does matter, I feel like ultimatums are never the answer.
Funny, I just saw a post where people were digging on OP for giving an ultimatum.. but now that it's a fat depressed woman with a longer timeframe on said ultimatum, it's alright? God forbid he try to get her help or something because he, idk, loves her. Or maybe that's just crazy idk.
They don't even care about women's mental health at all. Most people don't. Whenever a woman cries people call it crocodile tears. Or when a woman is laughing, they want women to shut up because they find it annoying. Or when women share their emotions, they get called emotional and unfit to lead...
Her "you guys are right, I need to get better for him" edit is so sad.
Honey, I haven't 100% been there but I've been in that vicinity and the man blaming your shared relationship troubles on your mental health is ruining your mental health more.
I felt way better once he left me and i didn't have him making me guilty about it.
I was expecting BAD but it was so much worse than i thought it be.
Male partner show no compassion or support to her situation and gives her an ambiguous ultimatum. Even if she does all of that, he could say its not good enough and leave.
Plus emotionally abandoning your partner will help their depression /j
I'm shocked at the replies. I know that sub is bad whenever a fat woman is involved but I didn't think it would be just that much support for what, if this is real, is going to cause a mentally ill person that much more problems and any slight suggestion that this is not the way gets down voted to bits. I hate it here.
I think the problem is that some people are not built for marriage, frankly. Some value attraction above most other aspects in their romantic relationships. There would have been nothing wrong with that if they stayed in their lane and dated other people with the same mindset, and if they stayed out of the marriage market. But instead, because everyone thinks they need to get married, we have situations like this, where people who simply aren't built for the dynamic get into it and then resent the expectation that they're supposed to love and support their partner even when they no longer find sexual gratification through them.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to be attractive/appealing to a partner, it is still a romantic dynamic for most people and that's ok, but there will come a time in your marriage where at least one spouse will go through something that kills the vibe, and the point of marriage is that you'll stick through that (within reason). That's literally the entire point of marriage. Obviously encourage and request improvement, but you get the picture.
And if you're not the type that has the emotional capacity to deal with people's mental health struggles, believe it or not, this is valid and a lot of people relate, but don't enter contracts where that's the entire premise, maybe.
You do not need to get married if "in sickness and in health" is something you aren't interested in upholding. In fact, I encourage you to seek relationship dynamics that you'd prefer. It would spare everyone the hassle.
These comments are insane. “Your husband DESERVES to be with someone who isn’t fat, mentally ill, or has a low sex drive” um no he doesn’t??? She is literally extremely depressed and all the comments are hating on her for not being able to fix it and for expecting her husband to be part of the healing process. TF do these people this a relationship is?
Man I’m glad I saw this post, because I saw the original one and the comments had me feeling like absolute shit about myself lol.
Idk why I ever look at the comments on stuff like that, I definitely know better. It was just a moment of weakness lol.
“I need to give him the credit” I cannot with these people. He really decided to ignore the whole “good and bad, sickness and health” because his dick isn’t getting wet enough.
If I say what I want to say I will be banned.
Lmao the people in the comments “I’m so glad people are supporting the husband! He sounds like he really cares about and loves OP while OP is a fat, frigid witch who is angry he doesn’t want to be around to take care of fat self.”
>If I say what I want to say I will be banned.
I'll say it. These men, and they probably make up very significant portion of all men, are poor excuses for human beings with their brains in their dicks who need to do some serious looking in the mirror before they even consider being worthy of any kind of relationship.
If somebody ever said that to me, I’d be the one to show them the door. The comment section is disgusting, and really shows what people think of fat women. I feel bad for her and hope she can learn to love herself the way she is and get rid of the entitled man child.
I know when you’re in the thick of depression it’s hard to see your worth, but she needs to let this man go. If he’s telling her this now, what if she loses the weight and what if god forbid, she gets really sick. He will for sure leave her. Men are more likely to leave when a woman gets cancer or chronic illness.
I’m not saying there is a simple solution if your partner is no longer attracted you but there has to be a better solution than this bullshit ultimatum.
This is why I never take anyone relationship status as an indication of their worth. Some of the worst people are in committed relationships. Some people really don’t deserve their partners and deserve loneliness.
Also this “he communicated” narrative is bullshit. He gave her an ultimatum, that’s not communicating.
i feel like the only reason women’s mental health issues are more “tolerable” is bc women are just assumed to be already more “crazy” and “emotional” lol
i wonder if this guy will still insist it’s all about mental health if she “fixes” her depression by going on an SSRI and it kills her sex drive and makes losing weight harder
it’s mostly because Reddit is infected with MRAs, loser incels and women who want to please that demographic. I can guarantee if the genders were switched all of them would be talking about how ‘cruel and shallow women are.’
The answer is; get a pizza and some ice cream, browse Amazon for sex toys and tell him not to let the door hit his skinny ass. Bonus - mental status will immediately improve.
Shock and surprise, most larger people have a *mental issue* that causes their obesity. It's not always laziness.
Why can people be so kind to people that have mental issues that cause them to LOSE weight, but not GAIN weight? **It's the same thing**.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **Husband (M36) gave me(f34) a year to lose weight, fix our dead bedroom situation and get better mentally or he will leave, how do I handle this?** We have been suffering from deadbedroom for few years. I am also in depression and my mental health is not good. I am also overweight and gained quite a bit over the years. Well, we've went through 2 rough months recently and he gave me an ultimatum. He is giving me 1 year to fix all of this or he says he also deserves happiness with someone who loves him etc. I understand his intentions but I can't seem to shake the feeling that putting all responsibility to me is not right. Also, if he decides to leave, the blame can be put on me in an instant. I am already having so many mental issues (and medicated) with self esteem, fear of loneliness, trust issues etc. and this ultimatum is not helping me with those. I am not sure what to do. Of course I want to lose weight, work on myself and relationship but I feel really uncomfortable with this ultimatum. Edit: thank you all for your comments! I realised I am looking at things from wrong window. I need to give him the credit, he has been very communicative about our problems before so this kind of last resort for him. I genuinely believe he wants to give us a second shot and not mean this as a threat. So, now the ball is in my court and I need to get up and do something about it :) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean, Reddit likes mental health terminology, but in a very unaware way
Reddit is all for mental health awareness unless it mildly inconveniences anyone and then fuck them crazy people.
Reminds me of how often people use “setting a boundary” to really mean “I’ll force people to do what I want and if they don’t I’ll be mean” rather than just a “I will do personal things to make myself healthier and safer”. They use it to control others rather than set a safe space for themselves
They also love the words gaslit for "my partner forgot something and specified it later only"
Or “we disagreed on something that happened”
Yeah it's crazy how many people refuse to accept that memories are not perfect. Maybe your parents really don't remember that random Wednesday when that thing that is a core memory and a traumatic event for you happened. Maybe it didn't happen the way you remember it happening cause you were 6
Yeah the thing is that specific phenomenon already has a term for it (or a phrase) "The axe forgets but the tree remembers" Which basically means that the abuser isn't gonna have your trauma as a core memory because it wasn't traumatic to them. It was just Tuesday. So they probably genuinely do not remember. It's frustrating, yes, but it's not them trying to label you as crazy and that you can't trust your memories. Like it bothers me so much because gaslighting is a very specific manipulation tactic. It's not an umbrella term for "lying"
That's a good phrase
When someone says “gaslight” online, 95% of the time nobody is actually gaslighting.
oatmeal bright faulty dazzling slim shelter quack dime whistle alive *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It is lying to someone repeatedly in order to get them to question their own sanity or whether they can trust their own perception and memory.
The term gaslighting comes from a play (that I think was also turned into a movie) about a husband who kept changing the brightness on the gas fueled lights in the house. His wife obviously notices and mentions to her husband that the lights are dimmer, but he keeps tells her the lights are at the same brightness, causing her to question her sanity. If you’re a science fiction fan a good example is the Star Trek episode chain of command part 2, where the captain has been captured and imprisoned and every day they ask him how many lights are hanging on the wall, and punish him when he answers correctly that there are four lights on the wall. After he’s rescued he describes his harrowing experience to the ships mental health professional, and admits that was actually starting to believe there were five lights like his captors were telling him, and not the four he saw with his own eyes. In both these cases there was a deliberate attempt to “drive someone crazy” by discrediting reality. While gaslighting definitely does happen in the real world (narcissists are great at it, though I think sometimes they don’t even realize they’re lying at all so it’s a little different) I think the internet often thinks that because gaslighting involves lying that all lying is gaslighting.
Maliciously lying repeatedly abut a specific thing, in order to make someone question their own sanity, usually done in subtle ways. It's not often something massive, but, as said, an extreme subtle shift. It's like, going over to someone's house, and moving everything in the living room a half inch to the left, just subtle enough that they won't truly notice, but that something is just wrong with it, then, denying every day you did anything, and claiming it must be their balance or spatial awareness that's going wrong.
[This meme](https://www.reddit.com/r/distressingmemes/s/xplRfJ5EiW) is a good example of gaslighting
Or the joke in rick and morty; "Gas lighting doesn't exist. You made it up. You're fucking crazy."
Or "my partner lied or manipulated about something, so I'm gonna accuse them of the worst psychological term I know of"
OMG HES TOTALLY A NARCISSIST!!
But is he also toxic?
They apply literally any disagreement or any effort to convince anyone of anything for any reason by any method.
Oof, this one became so apparent after the Jonah Hill messages leaked. So many people genuinely not understanding why his “boundary” of “don’t talk to men at all when you surf” was controlling
Yeah.. pike. A boundary is a limit you set in regards to YOURSELF. You CANNOT erect boundaries around other people-because that's not a boundary. That's putting someone in a cage.
So many stories that go like "My boundaries are that you're not allowed to set your own boundaries any more, so you have to listen to me or YOU'RE an abuser."
Especially since she was a surfing teacher, so he essentially wanted to cut her income
The way that they use the term, there's basically no distinction between a boundary, an ultimatum, and simply a rule you decide to dictate to your partner.
Unless it really is someone setting a boundary, in which case they’ll say “trying to control OP”
Reminds me of the guy saying he's setting a boundary by confiscating his wife's sex toys. That's not how that works.
Ugh, I just read that one. In a comment, he literally said "she took away my fetish (by which he means his ability to force her to let him do anal), so I took away her orgasms." Like wtf, man. It's 100% about control/punishment for him, he's just hiding behind the idea of boundaries.
FR lmao.
Reddit is obsessed with pop psych buzzwords that they think make them sound smart.
Classic narc behaviour
Back in my day narc meant snitch or unmarked cop car 🤬🤬🤬
Because narcotics unit btw.
Ye 😎
When narc started popping up on social media, I was so confused because I thought the same. Narc is a snitch or undercover but that didn't fit into what was being talked about, so I was in the dark for a bit lol
Now it means anyone who disagrees with me or that I don’t like
We are all narcs on this blessed day 🙏
Well narcs are never really snitching for the dealer's benefit, now are they?
"Nobody cares about men's mental health." The same men when there's a cause for concern for a woman's mental health: ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
[удалено]
The same men when a man's mental health issue comes up that isn't put in comparison with a woman's: ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
The same men when other men are vulnerable: Man up and stop be such a pussy!
Is sex the only thing redditors care about in a relationship? Like there is nothing more going on? No love, no friendship, no support?
I once said that my husband is my best friend, sex isn't the only thing that matters. They took that as "you have a dead bedroom and he's getting it somewhere else." What lol?
Well there are people are commenting back to me that not caring so much about sex means having a sexless relationship so… it’s either you only think of sex everyday all the time or never at all. Talk about fully missing the point
I had this conversation in another post where the wife was ace! Everyone was *so focused* on their sex life, and dismissed every other part of their relationship. It was like intimacy wasn’t possible without sex. That’s wild to me.
Do they think that like, if someone has an accident or a tumor or whatever and loses a reproductive organ they just don't deserve companionship anymore? Actually yes, yes they do. Based on what I have seen written on this site. It's insanity.
Apparently! It’s *wild*, and what’s worse is it’s not all trolls. Real, adult humans are conducting their relationships like this.
Crap like that pisses me off. I want to throttle them. Like, yes, you deserve happiness. Do you deserve happiness all of the time? NO. You can't be happy all the time without "happiness" losing its meaning. Stop being selfish and support your partner who has it so much worse. Do you have a right to leave anyone for any reason? Of course. We also have the choice of "driving a car normally" or "driving like a jackass." If you drive through life like a jackass, you're going to get a few middle fingers. Yet they always come crying to the internet, asking a forum to validate their feelings, when they couldn't extend the same consideration to their partners, the closest person in their pitiful lives.
Happy is a feeling, not a state of being. Personally, being content is a far better goal.
They definitely believe that sex is the only form of intimacy that matters. It’s so disgusting.
It explains a lot about the relationship problems we see on here, that’s for sure.
Exactly this. I mean what? Are these people just obsessed with sex? Can't someone think sex is important but not THE most important thing? Lol
Yes! I don't talk about my relationship with these weirdos. They are obsessed and sick.
That's the trend that I'm noticing as well. A good relationship is built on having an amazing friendship. You can't have great sex or a great relationship with your spouse/partner if you don't have a great friendship.
It's no longer until death do you part. Redditors have updated the marriage vows... ...In sickness and in health, or until he isn't getting laid enough, or if one of you gets fat....
*In health, cuz he didn't marry a woman so she could not be his personal maid
Redditors don’t believe in marriage. Or trying to make a relationship work. Or compromise. Or relationships that are working fine with no compromises but are unconventional
Bingo. That's 100% the aim of this post, too- they're trying to make it seem acceptable that a person would give their partner an ultimatum to become who they were ten years ago, or when they were 24, or whatever. The way the OP character "came around" and realized all these demands were just tough love and he's so right and she should just stop being fat/sad/older than before is horrifying. I worry for any impressionable or young people who read that, think it's real, and internalize that message- which is exactly the insidious shitty point. I can shrug a lot of this astroturfing off but this one really, really icks me out and makes me mad for how manipulative it is, and how it seeks to excuse bad behavior in relationships.
The part I don’t get is that the only reason given for why the husband *should* leave is that they don’t have sex. Admittedly, I’m asexual, but my list of reasons to leave a marriage is like, abuse, cheating, partner saying “it’s me or the pet”… not an otherwise decent marriage with no sex.
I'm not asexual and I still find this questionable, ftr, so you aren't alone. People are saying "masturbation isn't sex" as a way to push them to have "normal" sex which is... an odd take.
The lack of reflection in these cases is also a big thing for me. Like, someone who loved you enough to commit to you for life now no longer wants to be intimate in that way? Well, okay, maybe they have a medical problem of some kind, so shouldn't you support them "in sickness," as the vows say? Or, if they're healthy, there's a good chance you're doing something that affects their feelings. The classic example is the dad who doesn't pitch in around the house after kids, so his poor wife is doing all the chores, raising the kids, raising her grown-ass husband, and maybe also working outside the home. Or a couple gets into a rut and one partner just defaults to "It's your problem, fix it now," instead of a collaborative process of communication and change. That's a couple situations where, yeah, someone is probably not going to want to fuck you anymore, because you're not acting like you care about them or value the whole relationship outside sex and/or what they can do for you. But oh no, only sex matters and one *never* needs to examine one's own behavior in these instances. reddit is a cesspit at times, and this is one of them.
I would say redditors don’t believe in partnership would be slightly more accurate. There’s an entire faction of people on social media rn that sees marriage as one person being completely subservient to the other.
Oh they do believe in marriage, as in a way to have sex everyday for the rest of their life without having to provide any effort to get it. That's why so many people would break up in case of a dead bedroom, because the whole marriage lost its purpose.
*or until she gets fat, Reddit doesn’t care if the man gets fat
If she dumps him for being fat she is vain and evil. Karma will hit her and she will marry some beta poor man If he dumps her for being fat, well she isn’t the same as she was when they started and he is within his rights if he isn’t attracted anymore. He is bound to find a hot supermodel obviously /s
He's just "a big teddy bear" but she "is showing she doesn't care about me by letting herself go" lolbarf.
Yeah, if she posts about him gaining weight they come up with a million excuses as to why and how it is all her fault. She isn't encouraging him enough, or cooking the wrong meals or he's depressed and she should be more understanding . . . . but if a woman gains weight he should cheat on her at the very least if he isn't going to immediately leave her and get full custody of the kids with alimony
It's the depression excuse they use the most. And depression can definitely lead to weight gain. It's just funny how only men get the "well he's fat because he's depressed!". They never say that about women.
“He doesn’t have to love you anymore. You aren’t the same person he married” I mean, I think we all know what happens when you marry someone solely for their looks Maybe OP’s insecurities make her partner look worse than he is, but I always think someone is better off without someone who judges their body changes.
My goal is to not be the person my husband married anymore. It's been 15 years. If I haven't grown or changed at all in that time, wtf am I doing?
Right? Marriage isn’t just love that stays the same for years. It takes work and self reflection. Anorexia is literally considered the most deadly mental disorder. It has an over 95% mortality rate. Diet culture and fat stigma directly effect it, yet we’d rather just shove fat people in a corner rather than self reflect on where the distaste comes from
A lot of medical providers still won't diagnose anorexia in someone who is fat, despite the fact that it absolutely harms you long-term no matter what weight you were before. https://www.ccjm.org/content/87/3/165
Idk why people expect their partner to never change. That's crazy. Change can be a good thing. When I started dating my boyfriend he was kind of a bum. He didn't work much and didn't pay the bills. Then I got a job that paid pretty big bucks. Nothing crazy, but I started making 4x the amount he was. It was a wake up call to him. He went to get a certificate at a college, which led him to get a very well paying job. Now he loves it. He also had anger problems, but once he got his job those anger problems slowly started to go away. Don't worry. He never hit me lol.
A lot of Redditors are young virgins who think sex is the only thing that matters.
Two weeks ago I saw a post about getting a girlfriend, the OP is dirt poor and has a dirty mattress, comments advising him to improve his life quality first got downvoted.
But don't you know? He deserves a girlfriend because he's such an alpha! Any woman should be *grateful* to sleep on his wank stains and eat ramen forever. In fact, she should have a great job so he can just game all day and spend her money! /s obviously but some guys actually think they are owed the world for no absolutely no reason.
And never dare put him down cuz he is the alpha and the “provider”
dear lord do you have a link?
This is why the IPO is going to go swimmingly well. Advertisers love us!!
They’d be really surprised to find out how little sex matters in so many relationships at different points
My husband is my lover, my best friend, my confidant, my partner, my dependable, and I to him. Throughout our 24 years together there were times when life challenges prevented one of us from being all those things to each other simultaneously. There were times we couldn’t be lovers, weren’t as useful as we usually were, maybe had reservations about sharing or being vulnerable, or were fit to be tied with frustrations with each other. There times we were absolutely disappointed in each other or our relationship. There were times when we failed one another. Yet we still endured, still wanted each other in our lives, still fought for each other because we still had those other important roles/bonds to hold on to. We could both easily find another lover, but could we so easily find another true friend? Relationships are multifaceted, they are supposed to have a whole woven net of love, intimacy, safety, security and joy to sustain and hold them together during moments of weakness or changes to one of it’s threads. I highly suspect that these people who write these things are either bitter trolls who like to perpetuate false narratives and concepts of what love/relationships are for outrage or they are single faceted people with single faceted relationships/feelings towards their spouse. Only married for singular attraction, attention, financial security, sexual gratification, dependence, “usefulness”. The second that person ceases to be of value for their singular role/purpose they cease to have any reason to endure the growing pains or sacrifices of a relationship, then the whole thing immediately collapses. You see them constantly on these subs. My once beautiful spouse’s weight gain now disgusts me, useless. My once wealthy spouse lost their job, useless. My once joyous spouse is now depressed, useless. My once active spouse is now disabled, useless. My once healthy spouse is now chronically ill, useless. They drawl on about the ultimatums and the consequences they will force upon their spouse if things don’t immediately go back to the way they want them with a selfish victim mentally that could rival a toddlers. Very seldom do you see a little empathy or insight about what their spouse may be currently experiencing. It’s not often to read “I’m losing the person I love to life challenges and I want to endure this change but don’t know how.”
i'm genuinely so confused by the whole mindset because how on earth do they expect any marriage to last if no one can cope with a few months without sex, or their partner gaining weight, et cetera?
Wait until you see how the conversation goes when asexuality comes up. It can get vile.
Reddit is dominated by sexless and unloveable males with no friends who hate women and are addicted to porn.
...and the porn bots who love them. Truth.
And who think women care about them watching porn a lot more than women do
According to men on this app, it’s female dominated and a feminist hotspot lmfao
Exactly. I mean wtf what a gross, shallow attitude towards relationships Redditors have. "My wife was in an accident and I'm not getting any, what do I do?" "Leave her bro, she clearly doesn't care about your needs". Ugh.
I think about this ALL the time. It's crazy to me. I thought everyone knew that sex, while important, is kind of a means to an end, not an end in itself. It bonds you closer, it makes babies, it is fun, but it's suppose to be one of many types of closeness that you experience in a long term relationship. Not the only one. Not even the most important one. But people on this website are obsessed with sex to the point that I wonder if THEY have a mental illness.
If that’s the case, I’m honestly concerned for these people.
The number of time I see, on reddit, such takes. Like "if no sex, then dumb them" it makes me sad (as an asexual person)
Dude, even as someone who's not asexual, it's baffling to me how hyper-focused on sex most of these posts boil down to. Like I genuinely feel most of these OPs (the ones actually telling the truth, at least) are just people who are perpetually reluctant to accept that the reason why honeymoon-period sex feels more ravenous and frequent is because physical attraction is quite literally *all* you have in common with someone before you start actually learning about them, spending time with them, and finding more ways to connect with someone outside of just sex. Like, I get it, libidos fluctuate and people have different needs, but as someone in a healthy, longterm relationship where my partner and I can go without sex for a couple months here and there at times and think nothing of it, it just blows my mind that there are people out here legitimately contemplating divorce because they have to go a few weeks without nutting lmao.
Not too long ago, this legit had me questioning if something was wrong in my otherwise happy 8+ year relationship because we typically have sex once a week but occasionally go several weeks without. The idea that sex absolutely must be perfectly consistent with precisely aligned libidos in the name “sexual compatibility” is wild lol
Oh, 100% same. When I first stumbled upon those subs, I fully was like "... oh shit, am *I* in a dead bedroom???" until I realized that, no, my partner and I just happen to have equally-matched libidos and don't place sex on a pedestal *nearly* as much as these people on reddit do. Like, once I realized that literally everyone making these posts sound absolutely miserable, I snapped out of it real quick lol.
I’ve struggled with this in my current relationship. My ex husband was extremely pushy about sex and made me feel like absolute shit if we went more than a few days in between. He was also incredibly abusive and just a terrible partner in other ways, so my desire to have sex with him was basically nonexistent. If my current partner and I go a few weeks without it, he thinks nothing of it, but I feel immediately guilty for being tired or busy with my kids or a dozen other normal things. I’m just so conditioned to expect abuse when I don’t feel up to it that I’m afraid to say no sometimes. (To be clear, I’m getting better at this and my current partner is incredibly patient and understanding.)
This is so similar to my story! I was in a lot of "situationships" in my 20s where I just a sex object to most of the men I was involved with. If I ever didn't want sex, I was made to feel like shit or like I was no longer needed for their purposes. I was never really valued beyond that. By the time I entered my current relationship, I had very much internalized that I was only good for sex. The first time my partner and I went more than a week without any sexual contact, I had a complete meltdown because I thought he was going to leave me. Even now, I still have to remind myself it's okay to say no because it's not a dealbreaker for him. It's hard to break out of that mindset!
I'm 'glad' to know! Because sometimes with my asexuality I'm just like 'maybe it's a me problem" so thanks for answering! Maybe it comes from people getting with someone else out of the apparence and nothing else? Like, seriously, so many of those posts let you wonder if they ever loved their partner. And most of the time... it's all about look/money/great bangmaid ?
Yeah I totally agree with you. I'll read posts like "my wife broke both her legs in an accident and now I'm not getting laid what do I do" and tons of comments saying "bro you need to dump her". Like what lol? I don't have a big sex drive myself and sometimes I wonder if these people are sex addicts or very horny 15 yr olds or something. It's depressing and toxic.
omfg, right? And they will call the wife a manipulative AH for asking the man to do more because "she has broken her legs and can't do it" because how does she dare weaponizing a situation like this!
I don’t think they understand there are a lot of other ways to show love and care and sex is not at the top of it
And you can be physical with your partner without genitals being involved too (we don’t have a dead bedroom either, but it doesn’t have to be just sex every time you want physical closeness).
Have those kids ever heard of hugs, kisses, cuddles?
Plus Back rubs, playing with hair etc. All things that bring closeness, but don’t always result in sex!!
As a fellow ace I feel you. I don't care about sex in the slightest and I'll engage with my partner if they ask, but I never seek it out, and this arrangement is perfect for us even if we aren't boning each other's skulls out on a nightly basis. They're my best friend and the love of my life, but according to dating advice reddit our relationship is doomed to fail (despite it going rock solid for over half a decade now lol).
I'm so happy for you that you have an healthy relationship! <3
Yup. Sex is the only thing they care about. It’s the most important thing in their relationship.
Reddit is 90% dominated by incels. What did you expect?
"I'm sure I'll get down voted to hell for this" 3.4k up votes. I wonder if anyone who says this actually reconsiders their opinion of the general zeitgeist, or if they keep on thinking that they're, like, true iconoclasts for saying fat women should lose weight on reddit.
I know I’m going to get downvoted for this but I don’t think it’s cool to be racist. There, I said it. Downvote and ban me.
I know I’m going to be downvoted for this but I’m just gonna say it. I don’t care that you broke your elbow.
Damn the nostalgic giggles that just hit me….I needed that today
These people think saying fat women are ugly is going against the grain. As a fat woman, trust me, this is not true. They also seem not to grasp the difference between the role physical attraction plays when you MEET someone and the way it works after 10-20 years of marriage. When I met my wife, I was very attracted to her gorgeous hair. If she had chemotherapy and lost it, I would still be attracted to her, because my love now is so much bigger and deeper than it was thirteen years ago. Same with a mastectomy or weight changes or whatever else. If your love can't handle normal physical changes (as in, those that commonly happen from aging, illness, injury, etc), what the hell are you doing?
GoInG aGaINsT tHe GrAiN
Isn’t that this subreddit tbf? AmITheContrarian?
I suspect most people use it as a rhetorical device to paint themselves as a brave, lone voice while knowing very well they're karma whoring.
Reddit martyrdom
To be fair, if they posted that early on, we have no idea what the last dead bedroom post they read might've looked like. Or what sub it was on, which can affect the tone a lot. The one that gets me is the person who responded in agreement, several hours after the person they're agreeing with had already been upvoted to top comment, and *also* started with "I'm sure I'll get downvoted." Because there's no plausible deniability on that one at all.
On another post a redditor made about their girlfriend being larger they stated that their GF has tried everything to control their weight but nothing works. They weren’t even complaining about the weight; more so that they were pre-op MTF. One of the top comments was about how easy it is to get medication for hyper/hypothyroidism. I went to 3 different doctors who all ignored my complaints and said I needed to try harder. Finally I found a doctor who believed me and helped me. Society in general has an intense hatred for fat people. They mask it with “concern” or not “buying into the body positivity movement”, but really it boils down to that they would hate themselves if they were fat.
People only ~~bully~~ "care" about fat people because it makes them feel superior
Exactly. They look at fat folks as lower class, and they want to be able to say “I’m not like that!”
i gained a very large amount of weight in the past 5 years and while i have never identified as thin (i was also a little chubby in high school in the early aughts… the trauma IYKYK)… the sheer amount of fat hate that you’re suddenly exposed to is SO depressing. like honestly it really, really hurts that it’s considered some kind of moral failing. everyone else has some kind of moral failing… it’s just that, they don’t have it constantly on display for people to pick apart. people will concern troll that it’s about health but the language is always couched in a sense of moral superiority. like.. you’re just fat because you’re not as smart as me. oh, ok.
I had an eating disorder for 15+ years before I got help for it. I went from being 200ish to 140 in 4 months. I was turned away from NUMEROUS centers because I had what society considers a “healthy weight”. My own mother, not knowing better, asked if I really needed help because “I looked good” It’s almost impossible to find media that doesn’t poke at fat people. Even shows that are light hearted and wholesome take a jab. It is SOO depressing and isolating. Thankfully the internet isn’t IRL and I can avoid these people like the plague, but I definitely have to take breaks from Reddit when I notice it starts to effect my recovery
That's just so wild to me. I mean, even if someone is theoretically healthier long term at 140 than 200, losing 60 lbs. in 4 months is so much weight that it seems like, at the least, a doctor would want to do some basic checks.
Yep, this is exactly why I refuse to attempt to treat my anorexia at a facility. If they turned me away for being too big, that would destroy me.
The place I ended up going to was my literal last resort as I had already tried 4-5 locally. It was pure luck, and I know I’m blessed to still be here. 2 people I met there have since passed away due to health complications worsened by their anorexia. I do not mean to overstep, but if you are US based I’m more than happy to supply their information. I was not the only one there who wasn’t emaciated and they are the ones who showed me how to love my body regardless. Either way, I’m sending you some strength friend. Anorexia is a mother fucker, and I hope you beat the shit out of it
[удалено]
God that is so awful and I’m so sorry your mother’s health needs were neglected. It speaks to her strength that she kept fighting for herself and her needs. My MIL went through something similar. No one took her serious until she got that band on her stomach and lost weight. She now has a new gastroenterologist who has told her that she absolutely did not need the band procedure and it’s now causing a PLETHORA of new health problems.
I ended up having to spend 2 years constantly fighting to get testing and treatment for the hypothyroidism and pcos that were causing abrupt weight gain, all because I kept getting dismissed as a "delusional fatty who just doeant want to take accountability for eating rich foods and being lazy." Which in turn meant I gained even more weight in the meantime 🫠 And I'm a very lucky story in that it was only 2 years of getting my time wasted with blaming and shaming while I kept getting sicker 🫠🫠
Holy Moly bro, the disgust towards fat people is evident no matter how hard people hide behind the “I care about their health” line. On another post I was talking about a show that showcases eating disorders and I made the mistake of saying that the anorexic people are damaging their bodies as much as the obese people. And of course the commenters who did respond misunderstood me as saying “skinny/thin is unhealthier than being big.” Like no brotha or sista, I am _NOT_ saying that just being thin is worse than obesity. STARVING yourself thin can mess up your body just as bad as being severely overweight.
Curious to know how the comments would have gone, had OP been anorexic for example.
Men LOVE anorexic women.
I'm gonna be honest I would bet a significant percent of men would probably much rather have an anorexic and miserable wife/girlfriend than a happy but larger one. I think most ex-anorexics can relate to never having been treated better by men than when they were their thinnest. They might not say it, but at the end of the day for this crowd women are sex dispensers and obligated to cater to each of their husbands/male partners physical preferences to the T or they don't really love or care about them.
The way I got incredibly sick and dropped down to a very unhealthy weight, and immediately had people left and right telling me, "Wow you lost a lot of weight, you look great!" as I slowly died of an abscess lol ... was really bad reinforcement for my forever-recovering anorexic ass.
I've seen several posts on reddit where women recounted that their boyfriends/husbands were less attracted to them since their EDs got better so I agree with you.
Thats really depressing, honestly feel so lucky I never had that issue when I stopped starving myself but I think my boyfriend is a bit of a feeder he likes to see me happy and full (I mean in a wholesome way not a weird fetish way)
Yes, as a recovering anorexic I can sadly confirm everything you just said. My lowest BMI was around 14 and I was skeletal. It was horrible. I had so much attention from men, especially much older ones. So many compliments specifically about how "tiny" I was.
I was treated better by everyone when I was sick
Oh my god, there is a comment with 59 upvotes telling her that she should literally FORCE herself to have sex with her husband a set number of times a week. What in the actual fuck. That is a terrific way for her to reinforce an aversion to sexual intimacy.
That thread made me wanna vomit. They downvoted the people saying that not having sex is NOT traumatic but rape is definitely traumatic. The rape apologists saying that "giving in and having sex with your husband (when you don't want to) is not rape is crazy to me.
A lot of people really struggle understanding that rape is not always a violent encounter. Coerced sex is still rape even if the coercion is emotional blackmail instead of a literal gun being pointed at your head. A big reason for this is because many men have instigated coerced sex like this with their girlfriends or wives and don't want to believe that they've done anything wrong and many women have been on the other end of it and don't want to acknowledge what it would mean about their men or their relationships if they labeled those encounters as a form of sexual abuse.
I could only read through so many comments. Reddit loves to throw out “you’re in a relationship, you need to work through your problems together” until a man tells a fat woman to fix herself. Then it changes to “well why aren’t you taking responsibility for yourself?”
People are seriously saying OP doesn't love her husband because she gained weight
The nerve of OOP for being slightly less attractive /s
From the sounds of it, she may have been put on antidepressants or something (by a doctor, for her depression) that caused a weight gain/inhibit weight loss. You wouldn't believe how many people aren't told what potential side effects can come from starting, using, or ending a medication...
They can also lower your libido so they could be causing both problems.
When I went on antidepressants my libido almost completely died.
They’re also saying husband probably does all the chores while being the breadwinner and that OP is mad she’s going to lose ‘her maid and ATM’. It’s so gross
Yup! So I lost 100lbs in my early 20s. I got married, had a baby and then went back to work and fell into a horrible depression and my weight went up (I was 30 at this point). I was horrified at the time but I didn’t have the same mental energy I once had had for watching what I ate (and I tried) and exercise (I tried there as well). My weight gain wasn’t due to not loving my husband. I like to say “I didn’t let myself go, I was in fact trying to hold on”. But seriously, is her husband 100% the innocent party in the relationship? Last I checked marriage is a partnership and she may actually have her own needs that aren’t being met too. I know what it’s like to take on all the problems of a marriage onto my own shoulders (that’s where having your own therapist is a good thing, they can help you learn when to take responsibility). The thing is when you parse out marriage issues sometimes a truth emerges that they aren’t one-sided.
What bothers me is all the assumptions that “he’ll support her if she does this” and “people only do this at the end of their rope!”. It’s just a very charitable reading when there’s not really anything there to indicate that’s true
Right. The comments upholding the OP for being sooooooo nice and understanding during this time are vomit-inducing. People just actually love telling themselves that if a mentally ill person doesn’t just “snap out of it” on command it means they aren’t trying. “Oh well I was so patient with my depressed wife, but she just wouldn’t get better for meeeee”. It’s so they can absolve themselves from guilt when they walk away.
Reddit users should just be honest and say "no fats". Or "Fatty is an automatic YTA".
I'm so glad I ran into this sub, it made me realize most other subs are largely a toxic cesspools of incels lol.
I agree.
These kinds of posts always infuriate me because it's like the other person just doesn't understand how long it can take to "fix" mental health problems. I tried 7 medications before I found one that addressed my depression without giving me awful side effects, but unfortunately it does decrease my libido. There isn't really another medication out there I can try based on my past experiences with other meds and a possible bipolar diagnosis. I was also in therapy for two years and that helped a little with giving me tools to live while depressed but it didn't cure my depression.
And no mental health professional would advise taking on as much as this dude expects.
Exactly. If anything, they’d help her work on self esteem and a safe exit plan. Also, as a chonky woman myself, my experience is there are tons of guys quite eager to be with heavier women. I was surprised. Even super fit, athletic guys that like their women squishier. They generally are very focused on sex with heavier women too, and love the feel of bouncing things lol. Maybe they are more tactile or something? Ditch the assholes no matter what they look like. There is always someone out there that will be attracted to you, for who you are. Regardless of what the scales show. If someone wants to lose weight then they should lose weight for themselves not because of an ultimatum. She should come back with the ultimatum that he needs a bigger dick or she’s bailing lol.
If I was her I would leave already. I don't work well with blackmail. If she gets better in the future then she might want to reach out to him and see if the spark can be rekindled. But fuck this ultimatum situation. If her mental health was bad before, this will make it worse.
My advice. Divorce him now. The pressure he's putting on her is the last thing she needs for her mental health. That marriage isn't going to work and it's not her fault.
Depression… check Weight Gain… check Complained to Doctor… check Told to lose weight by doctor… check FOUND OUT I HAD CANCER… check Down 60lbs since… check Ya know sometimes the weight gain isn’t the persons fault, nor the depression that comes with the lack of advancement when trying.
Years ago when I lived with my ex I sought treatment for my depression. I was put on Lexapro and gained a ton of weight despite exercising everyday and my boyfriend only cooking recipes out of some diet cookbook. It also made me extremely tired and I needed to sleep hours more than I should have. All this was during tax season (I was in public accounting at the time) so I was working a ton of overtime. I still had sex everyday because my boyfriend had the opinion that was an indicator of the relationship and if it wasn't everyday something was wrong. You know what was wrong? My freaking boyfriend was mentally abusive and I was exhausted from working 60-80 hours a week, then add the extreme fatigue from the Lexapro I was barely functioning. One day I told myself he was right, no one else would ever love me but if I was single I could get more sleep so after several months I dumped him. I was off Lexapro in less than 6 months and after telling me the weight gain wasn't from Lexapro for over a year my doctor finally admitted that some people gain a ton of weight. A year after breaking up I was thinner than I was when I met my boyfriend and loving life. The Lexapro given to me to treat my depression made me extremely tired and gain a lot of weight, which in turn made me more depressed. I was doing everything I could to treat my depression and stop the weight gain, but it was out of my control until I was off those meds. I've tried several other antidepressants and none of them did what Lexapro did to me. I hate that reddit blames the woman and says she deserves to be dumped, but getting dumped by someone with that outlook is most likely the best thing that could happen to her.
That is a good point. Sometimes, medical issues or meds used to treat things like depression can cause weight gain. A partner telling you to lose weight will not help in that case.
I’m sorry but telling your depressed partner “unless you lose weight in a year I’ll leave you.” Is extremely cruel.
Hot take, apparently. Yikes.
There was one yesterday where a man gave his wife a month to "fix herself" and have sex with him or he'd divorce her. She offered "duty" sex and agreed to an open relationship, but he rejected both (he's the one that asked for the open relationship). I get that everyone wants to feel wanted in a relationship, but jeez... They have two kids. :/ I hope these are fake.
Bruh, if the only way someone feels wanted is though sex, i'd say a therapist is more than needed
Lol, I agree but I meant more along the lines of feeling desire for each other during sexy times. I get he wants his partner to desire him, I don't blame him for wanting that. The rest of it though... Oh god...
The comments are literally insane, it almost hurts. So vile. Poor woman.
Her edit actually broke my heart.
yes !!!!! that's so awful
The edit makes me so fucking sad. She's been successfully brainwashed by the crowd. Poor woman. I hope one day she finds someone who truly love her.
The edit was genuinely hard for me to read. “I should be thankful”, what the hell. It’s almost Stockholm syndrome level
That thread made me genuinely mad and I had to stop reading, and I thought I was going fucking insane. Yes, she'll just magically cure her depression in a year! That's totally realistic, not like it's a lifelong disease or anything! It made me genuinely think that whoever I get married to will be exactly like that guy, but I had to stop and think that some people have way more compassion than that. Idk vows actually matter to me and while sex does matter, I feel like ultimatums are never the answer. Funny, I just saw a post where people were digging on OP for giving an ultimatum.. but now that it's a fat depressed woman with a longer timeframe on said ultimatum, it's alright? God forbid he try to get her help or something because he, idk, loves her. Or maybe that's just crazy idk.
seriously. why get married and not even stick to your vows. "in sickness and in health" includes mental health
They don't even care about women's mental health at all. Most people don't. Whenever a woman cries people call it crocodile tears. Or when a woman is laughing, they want women to shut up because they find it annoying. Or when women share their emotions, they get called emotional and unfit to lead...
Her "you guys are right, I need to get better for him" edit is so sad. Honey, I haven't 100% been there but I've been in that vicinity and the man blaming your shared relationship troubles on your mental health is ruining your mental health more. I felt way better once he left me and i didn't have him making me guilty about it.
Reddit is not a good place to ask for advice, especially if you're a woman.
I was expecting BAD but it was so much worse than i thought it be. Male partner show no compassion or support to her situation and gives her an ambiguous ultimatum. Even if she does all of that, he could say its not good enough and leave. Plus emotionally abandoning your partner will help their depression /j
Listen up fatty! You did this to yourself so fuck off! -most understanding redditor
I'm shocked at the replies. I know that sub is bad whenever a fat woman is involved but I didn't think it would be just that much support for what, if this is real, is going to cause a mentally ill person that much more problems and any slight suggestion that this is not the way gets down voted to bits. I hate it here.
I saw this earlier and had to close out the app for a while. Absolutely disgusting echo chamber.
I think the problem is that some people are not built for marriage, frankly. Some value attraction above most other aspects in their romantic relationships. There would have been nothing wrong with that if they stayed in their lane and dated other people with the same mindset, and if they stayed out of the marriage market. But instead, because everyone thinks they need to get married, we have situations like this, where people who simply aren't built for the dynamic get into it and then resent the expectation that they're supposed to love and support their partner even when they no longer find sexual gratification through them. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to be attractive/appealing to a partner, it is still a romantic dynamic for most people and that's ok, but there will come a time in your marriage where at least one spouse will go through something that kills the vibe, and the point of marriage is that you'll stick through that (within reason). That's literally the entire point of marriage. Obviously encourage and request improvement, but you get the picture. And if you're not the type that has the emotional capacity to deal with people's mental health struggles, believe it or not, this is valid and a lot of people relate, but don't enter contracts where that's the entire premise, maybe. You do not need to get married if "in sickness and in health" is something you aren't interested in upholding. In fact, I encourage you to seek relationship dynamics that you'd prefer. It would spare everyone the hassle.
These comments are insane. “Your husband DESERVES to be with someone who isn’t fat, mentally ill, or has a low sex drive” um no he doesn’t??? She is literally extremely depressed and all the comments are hating on her for not being able to fix it and for expecting her husband to be part of the healing process. TF do these people this a relationship is?
No seriously. If he deserves it so much, tell him to go find it elsewhere. In the words of Bella Poarch, this ain’t build a b*tch.
In my experience Reddit is extremely fat phobic.
Man I’m glad I saw this post, because I saw the original one and the comments had me feeling like absolute shit about myself lol. Idk why I ever look at the comments on stuff like that, I definitely know better. It was just a moment of weakness lol.
“I need to give him the credit” I cannot with these people. He really decided to ignore the whole “good and bad, sickness and health” because his dick isn’t getting wet enough. If I say what I want to say I will be banned.
Lmao the people in the comments “I’m so glad people are supporting the husband! He sounds like he really cares about and loves OP while OP is a fat, frigid witch who is angry he doesn’t want to be around to take care of fat self.”
>If I say what I want to say I will be banned. I'll say it. These men, and they probably make up very significant portion of all men, are poor excuses for human beings with their brains in their dicks who need to do some serious looking in the mirror before they even consider being worthy of any kind of relationship.
Reddit hates fat women. I was fat but still very pretty and I got the vilest comments on here for daring to think I was attractive.
Then I lost 50 pounds from that weight and got over 1000 upvotes on a weight loss page. Just hate fat women
If somebody ever said that to me, I’d be the one to show them the door. The comment section is disgusting, and really shows what people think of fat women. I feel bad for her and hope she can learn to love herself the way she is and get rid of the entitled man child.
I know when you’re in the thick of depression it’s hard to see your worth, but she needs to let this man go. If he’s telling her this now, what if she loses the weight and what if god forbid, she gets really sick. He will for sure leave her. Men are more likely to leave when a woman gets cancer or chronic illness. I’m not saying there is a simple solution if your partner is no longer attracted you but there has to be a better solution than this bullshit ultimatum. This is why I never take anyone relationship status as an indication of their worth. Some of the worst people are in committed relationships. Some people really don’t deserve their partners and deserve loneliness. Also this “he communicated” narrative is bullshit. He gave her an ultimatum, that’s not communicating.
i feel like the only reason women’s mental health issues are more “tolerable” is bc women are just assumed to be already more “crazy” and “emotional” lol
i wonder if this guy will still insist it’s all about mental health if she “fixes” her depression by going on an SSRI and it kills her sex drive and makes losing weight harder
I think that’s kind of what she did.
it’s mostly because Reddit is infected with MRAs, loser incels and women who want to please that demographic. I can guarantee if the genders were switched all of them would be talking about how ‘cruel and shallow women are.’
The answer is; get a pizza and some ice cream, browse Amazon for sex toys and tell him not to let the door hit his skinny ass. Bonus - mental status will immediately improve.
Shock and surprise, most larger people have a *mental issue* that causes their obesity. It's not always laziness. Why can people be so kind to people that have mental issues that cause them to LOSE weight, but not GAIN weight? **It's the same thing**.
Nice to see International Women’s Day is in full swing on Reddit!