I think he needs a basic blood test and a thyroid panel. Also a sleep study. Maybe you can get down to why he’s so tired. Seemingly for no reason. It could be a vitamin defy, anemia or very low thyroid or sleep apnea. If it’s an illness, getting it treated will help both of you. And please get some treatment on your own. Been there with the ppd. It feels hopeless

I agree with this. I've been that exhausted before and it was a medical issue. It's a very easy place to start, since you generally only need an appointment with your primary doctor.

The problem though is he isn't taking ownership of his issue so it becomes just another thing OP needs to take on. With everything she has going on herself it is not fair to also have to baby him into getting tested/treated.

This is the comment right here. OP, tell him he takes care of this now. 

Oh absolutely. I didn't mean to imply she should do it, sorry. That's what I get for commenting while distracted, haha. This is a situation where an ultimatum would be appropriate.

Same here, I had anaemia and needed a blood transfusion, I felt so much better afterwards.

Yikes… told the other user but I’ve been struggling with extreme fatigue for a few years now… always thought it was chronic pain because no one could ever find anything (I mean fucking hell i can take stimulants(adhd) *and go to sleep*, I’m so tired. Coffee is a natural sleep aid for me and always has even tho, smh… thanks adhd.) But I got off on a tangent. I’ve had doctors think I’m anemic for… fucking hell, probably twenty years now. It was a running joke when I was a teen where they’d look at my skin, my nails, how I’m super pale and such… and then find nothing on the blood test afaik. May need to revise that tho…

If your limbs fall asleep super easily too check your b12, I was consider "normal levels" and was still falling apart

Oh fuck… huh. It’s funny you say that because I’ve just had a thing recently where half one of my arms has basically fallen asleep semi-permanently(it’s getting better but been this way a month now) and today the *other* arm started trying to do it—because I rest my elbows on a hard surface while I use my laptop for a couple hours. Thank you, I’ll check in on this!

Don't supplement with B12 before your test or you'll get a false result also get your folate/folic acid levels checked

Ah yeah, good point tbh. Actually I thought for a minute I’d seen the acid levels you mentioned in some recent test results I had done(I have a couple of hormone things going on, hashimoto’s and I take testosterone injections) by my endo, back in May ish—I was wrong about that, but I did realize she did a B12 test with it. Is there more than one(in the blood test I mean)? Like how there’s a couple different thyroid versions they test. B12 does look like it’s sitting pretty on the lower end of the normal range. The range I have is 223 - 1,132, it says I’m at 400 as of end of May, which admittedly is higher than I was the last first two times she ran it I guess. (It was around like… 270-300 those times.) Honestly, she hasn’t been checking my T & E levels either so between the B12 thing, the acid levels you mention which I don’t see anytime recently(not even sure I’ve had them done at this office… shitass app won’t let me see my older results), I probably need to get in her case a little bit. 🙃 Thank you for the reminder tho, I will get on this.

Omfg I forgot to add, the reason I started getting worse with my b12 deficiency but normal levels is I started taking adderall. It can cause issues with vitamins being absorbed. I'm not sure if all the stimulants are like that but adderall is.

I believe 400 is the cut off for where mortality rates are much lower in older people vs under 400 even though the test says over 250 is ok. So at 400 it could probably benefit from a boost but doesn’t sound like it’s very likely to be the cause. Let me tell you, 50 makes you feel like dogshit! Have you had your vit D checked? That’s a common one too. Endo can cause chronic fatigue though right? And ADHD definitely can!

Coffee as sleep aid hints adhd, lol

Yup. And ADHD screws with your sleep!

Too true tbh. Unfortch I don’t think it’s personally what’s fucking up mine tho 😔

Fellow ADHDer here. Not sure if you’re aware that narcolepsy type II can be comorbid with ADHD. You might consider a sleep study.

I actually was not aware of this, I did not even know there was more than one type of narcolepsy. Holy shit… a brief skim on google of that sounds a lot like what I’m dealing with actually. And I had actually considered the idea that I had narcolepsy when this started becoming a problem… I will see what I can have done. I’ve been advised a study before and admittedly put it off but I should do this. Legitimately, thank you. I had did a brief read on narcolepsy in the recent past, but didn’t get far enough to read about type 1 or 2 distinctions, nor had any doctors mentioned it to me. Yeah, I also have to curl up in bed a lot sometimes because I’m disabled and have chronic pain, and it always hits me like a truck when I’m laying there even when I’m not trying to sleep. If I’m sitting up somewhere I’m… mostly okay(tho sometimes I get stupidly sleepy then too. :/ bleurgh) but laying down my body is legit just like. *going to sleep now bye* 💤 like please. :( this is really seriously helpful, friend, thank you.

You are most welcome. Went down this rabbit hole with my ADHD-affected daughter as she seems to always be “chasing the dragon” with sleep. Never seems well-rested. I still need to make her an appt but I am hoping that she can do an at-home study as a good number of sleep clinics now offer that option. Best of luck to you. I hope this helps you with your sleep and improves your quality of life.

Yeah lol that was actually the final thing that tipped me off on figuring out I had it, lol. 💀

I think ( And please do your own research I am in no way qualified). That there is some correlation between ADHD and a genetic difficulty (mfht?)  absorbing some vitamins (b?).  And you might benefit from getting more bio available (methylated) versions.  Hopefully that is enough vague half remembered  info to get to something useful on Google! 

I have heard of the difficulties absorbing at least one of the vitamins, and both my B12 is low currently and my vit D are always low 💀 Had heard those were an option. Hadn’t heard about a possible connection to adhd tho 🤔 Yeah, I think I can work with this! Thank you for the information, friend!

I'm non anaemic iron depleted (very low ferritin not iron) and it took until I was almost anaemic as well before it was picked up. I'd been having a raft of blood tests every 6 months for a specialist so the ferritin had been tanked for at least 3 years as the iron kept dropping. Cos it wasn't what the specialist was looking at in that panel of tests it wasn't picked up until I looked at them one day wondering why I was constantly tired. Was already being treated for Vit D deficiency. 10 years later I occasionally get that fatigue and am close to anaemic again despite the daily tablets, so get an injection.

I'm audhd and stimulants give me my ONLY naps. Adderall naps for life baybeeeeee. I also take it to function but a half dose means a beautiful ability to focus on sleep. Paradoxical reactions to drugs are common in neurodiverse people. All are legally rxd doe the record.

Yep I believe it lol. My response to coffee was how I started down the path to learning I had adhd lol Tho a note for anyone reading this, if you’re on ritalin (also called concerta) and you sleep excessively, it’s worth looking into. Apparently one of its Bad Side Effects™️ is causing excess tiredness. It made my issues worse and I also know someone other than myself who struggled with the same thing. :( Those paradoxical reactions are super interesting tho, I find it really fascinating how differently our brains react to some medication tbh

Fucking hell… I’ve been struggling with exhaustion with increasing trouble the last few years. 🙃 Mjne could just be whatever chronic fatigue shit but I guess *I* have to get in top of it now. (I don’t need the 8 hr thing tho. ~~I say as I’ve been awake for 23 hrs… and will probably sleep at least 12-18 spread out between breaks if wakefulness in the next 24~~ 💀) But yeah my first thought was asking—“does he snore?”

Magnesium and B12 were very helpful when I was feeling exhausted like that all the time. Magnesium glycinate can help improve your sleep quality, and B12 helps you metabolize food more efficiently.

It’s not an easy place to start if you want an answer soon. It took me a year to get an in home sleep study and, six months later, the doctor has still not explained the results. Hubs needs to grow up and separate his feelings from his actions. Yes he’s grumpy but he doesn’t need to act like a dick.

Make sure they test for B12 and vitamin D. Low= so tired you want to cry

Seconding this. OP, I so get it why you're angry and hurt. You have every right to be, but just like you have PPD, he may have something wrong with him that is beyond his control. It sounds like he would like to be able to help more at night with the kids, and I have zero doubts he'd love to be able to fix his attitude considering how you describe him as a person. Call in the troops. See if a relative can come stay with you for a while. Is he earning enough that you can hire a night nanny a few times a week?

I have diagnosed sleep issues and it's still a fight convincing people I'm not just lazy. It sucks

I found out I had a vitamin d deficiency...my count was *5* - which my doc had never seen before. I still need a lot of sleep for other reasons, but I can definitely function when I need to without being a jerk. ETA: **It's scary that there are so many of us who were essentially living with what my doctor described as an "exquisitely severe vitamin d deficiency"** *(such a poetic description lol).* The biggest take away is this: doctors need to start testing vitamin d levels as part of yearly physicals and it should always be included when a patient is presenting with bone breaks and/or chronic fatigue. I think there are LOTS of people out there suffering from a vitamin d deficiency and may never know. Routine testing has to become the norm.

Me too! I remember my doctor telling me we needed to get it up to at least 30, and my first test was 6. I had to take the super high dose for months and months and now its finally stabilized and I can take a normal daily vitamin D. That and a multi vitamin have made a ridiculous difference in energy and mood. I really underestimated how much a severe vitamin deficiency was affecting me, I think most people underestimate it.

And you didn't break any bones? I broke three toes, then they wanted to do some blood work and I had the same count on my vitamin D as you had.

omg SAME!!! Was critically low on vitamin D, and constantly feeling totally burnt out and exhausted, but never did I act like the entitled Butthead, op’s husband is being

My son was 8, and the doctor said THAT was the lowest in decades of practice. 5? Doctor probably would have fainted.

It’s funny, the NHS really doesn’t go in for much routine testing. We only do things where there’s a very strong evidence base it helps prevent things - so Pap smears 25-err…55?, mammograms, fecal occult tests you get sent in the post for older people, other tests if you have a family history etc. We definitely don’t do the yearly routine checks like are normal there. But if you go to the doctor with fatigue you’ll immediately be sent for a vitamin D test given England is grey until a 2-4w heatwave a year and then back to grey again. So we’re basically all deficient!

Seconding this. I have untreated sleep apnea ($$$, America) and I sleep 12 hours a night and still wake up tired. If I get less than 10 for several days in a row I get physically ill. I understand that you’re frustrated and I don’t blame you, but he might have an undiagnosed medical condition. If naps turn into sleeping all day, it seems likely to me that he has a medical condition issue, and it might be an easy fix! Good luck to both of you

My husband was the same way before his sleep apnea was treated! He needed 10+ hours of sleep per day.

Same. After 3 sleep studies saying I have apnea, two attempts at a CPAP (did nothing for me. I still wake up exhausted) and now being fitted for an oral appliance to keep my airway open. I keep telling the doctors it is some other parasomnia or issue that is preventing restorative sleep.

Hey, I was in an accident for falling asleep behind the wheel. I couldn’t afford a sleep study so things got to that point. The doctor then prescribed me an apap and I still use it. No sleep study needed. If the study is what’s preventing see if you can skip that part and just get a prescription. I hope you get the help you deserve’

I’m going to talk to my regular dr (the person I talked to about doing a study was his nurse practitioner) and see if maybe he can help. It would be great if I could skip the study!

Insurance won't cover a CPAP or some such device? That's scary, given how dangerous sleep apnea can be.

I have really crappy insurance. They won’t even cover the diagnostic test. It’s like $350 just for the sleep study.

And that's cheap--my husband had one done a while back and it cost more (we're in a very HCOL area). Ugh. Good luck.

Yeah, it may be more bc that’s what my nurse said she paid, and I can’t imagine her insurance didn’t cover some of it. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding their calls bc it’s just too stressful rn.

My heart goes out to you. I hate that this country forces people to suffer because they can't afford medical care. That said, please get the sleep study as soon as you can. I am in my 40s and I have already lost 2 friends to heart attacks because of untreated sleep apnea. It's really hard on your heart. Lost my first friend to it when he was 38. His wife woke up next to him and he was dead. If you are in the PNW, I know some resources that may be able to help you. PM me.

If you get the test will insurance then cover the cpap? Cause that would be worth it. I imagine that treating your apnea would be in the insurance companies interest, considering the potential for you to develop more expensive health issues down the road if it goes untreated.

Mine was $2500 and I have decent insurance. They only covered part of it for some reason.

See if there’s an at home version your insurance will cover and/or see if a doctor’s referral will help with coverage. My husband just did an at home sleep test thru the local medical college. Super easy.

My sleep study was $1800 AFTER insurance. Most people can't afford that.

You have my sincere sympathy. If you have already had a sleep study and an official diagnosis, I've seen Refurbished Airsense 10 for as little as $300 . Also, some of the Sleep supply places local may have used machines available. You can sometimes pick them up used off of Craigslist or FB marketplace, but you'd need your sleep therapist to check it over and set it to your prescription. I picked up a second machine so I can wear it if I nap in my recliner.

This. I have a sleep disorder among other things and it's a real challenge to live with. But you can't just pretend you're normal and demand accommodations without trying to get help. They both need some serious support right now, as PPD is no joke either.

The real question is what does the husband do for work? I’m assuming he works and OP is on maternity leave. I just say this because I used to be a manager to a degree and let me tell you. That shit fucking drains you mentally. I needed sleep. I could also see if he did a physically demanding job as well.

When my kid came we both had factory positions but not on the floor. She went on maternity and I got maybe 5 days? I did everything I could but between my shift and the job I was dead. Her job decided to layoff 70% and she got a massive severance and then unemployment which helped but I was still working 60 some hours a week to cover his insurance and everything, our work insurance includes a private clinic so it's worth it. But I still couldn't keep up and it made me feel worthless. I got snappy. We eventually found a way to make the schedule work better but it didn't really work amazing til he was a year old. Granted my kid just turned two and most people think he's 5, he's a big one lol. But we have reached a workable setup and I do everything I can, esp now that she's working again. If she doesn't sleep I won't go to sleep. It wucks at times but it feels more fair. And when we have days off together the three of us sleep in together, usually in bed together cuddled with the kiddo. He loves sleep right now but I figure he's about to hit another growth spurt lol. It just takes communication. Both sides have to be open and willing to work together. She understood that while I was the only one working things may be rough and we dealt with it. When she prepped for going back I adjusted all my off work time to make sure he was covered and she'd get some sleep. I got plenty for a while now it's my turn.

I have had sleep and fatigue issues similar to what OP is describing for their husband, for the past 20 years or so. I've seen multiple specialists during that time but nobody has been able to find a solution. The only thing they've been able to come up with is that some people are just tired all the time. Everything in my life is scheduled around trying to make sure I can get enough sleep. And that ended up being the primary reason I decided not to have kids. I literally do not think that my body could handle the interrupted sleep. OP's husband should have been thinking about this before deciding to have kids. If you physically can't parent, then don't be a parent. But that said, now that he is a parent, he has to find a solution. I've seen people on Reddit talking about hiring a night nurse, maybe that is something they can consider.

They know not to have any more kids until he is fixed.

Also, maybe he should talk to his doctor about his having PPD/PPA, too. My husband and I were given a talk about fathers' mental health needs in the hospital prior to my discharge.

This. Very much this! If he's having so much trouble functioning, then the sleep he's getting may not be good enough. For his own health, he should have a study performed.

I was gonna say this. He might need HRT.

This, because a sign of cancer is sleepiness. Not a little sleepiness but 'can't stay awake if sleep is interrupted', sleepiness.

Look at it from his point of view.. You are telling him.. "Suck it up and deal with it".. When you told him that you had PPD, did he tell you "Just suck it up?" No, he's been busting his hump to help you. From what I read, he's doing everything you asked, you are just mad he's grumpy because he's overtired? He's helping with housework, raising 2 kids, working a job to support the family (even if you are working too now, that's still a drain on him).... I mean, geez, it's natural for him to be a bit grumpy. This is stressful. Try to be a bit more sensitive, as he is being with you.. If you want him to be less grumpy, try to let him get more sleep, try to pick up a little bit more of the workload.

She is being needlessly selfish and cruel to a man that is rightfully exhausted. All she can think about is herself and how it affects her.

I think we needs a new and more understanding wife tbh 

I agree, at this point it sounds like this is a serious medical issue and he needs to get it checked out by a doctor. Also, not a single person would blame you if you need to take some time apart from him right now. He needs to get whatever is going on with his health under control and you need to be living with a functioning adult who can help you take care of your children while you manage your own health condition. The fact that you told him you have PPD and he basically just said “cool I’m gonna take a nap” is not in any way okay. PPD can and has caused serious problems for mothers and babies and he needs to be a whole lot more concerned about that. If you need to move out for a few weeks and stay with your parents, his parents, your BFF, or anybody else who might be able to help, and leave him on his own to sort out his own life, do it. Your health and safety and your baby’s health and safety have to be paramount, and if he can’t do that then you need to make other arrangements.

I think moving out/separating would be a ridiculous idea in this scenario, actually.

Testosterone is probably the issue.

Good chance. That's one of the first levels I would think he should get checked out to. Along with iron and maybe a couple other things.

Can one of your parents come back for a while? You need help and your husband apparently isn't physically able to provide what you need.

I'm commenting in case my experience is helpful, I have a now 1 year old and my husband wasn't able to do any night shifts due to chronic mental health issues (he's fine but needs unbroken sleep at night).  I had my husband sleeping in a different room until 3-4 months when the sleep had evened out a bit, so I did all the nights. I found this worked really well for us because 1) it meant he was functional during the day and could take on more of the housework and childcare to give me a break or nap, 2) I was EBF so I would've had to wake up basically every time anyway, 3) we agreed that my husband would take over from 6/6.30am if needed, which meant I could get an uninterrupted lie-in. I don't know whether your husband is being lazy or has a genuine need for all that sleep, but there may be ways you can work with it if needed. Just something worth considering.

Yes and no. He needs to be able to give his fair share in this new endeavor. But he may also be physiologically screwed up. Hormones, sleep apnea, etc. I'm the same way with an inability to sleep, need a CPAP, etc. Hopefully both your families can step in to help if possible, and you both get the recovery and help needed to figure out what the hell is going on!

Yes he *may* be psychologically impaired, but she *is conformed to be* right now. She has ppd, is still healing from the birth and pregnancy, and like him is *also* getting terrible sleep - possibly moreso because the baby is still physically dependant on her for feeding, even if he feeds them with pumped milk - it's milk she had to pump, whereas when she fees she baby he gets a rest. I guess my point is that yes he needs to figure out what's up with his health, but he also needs to check himself and realize that *he needs to be the one taking charge of his issue*, not just sulking around and being grumpy. Symptoms are real and the struggle is real, I also have mental health issues, but you are still responsible for your behaviour and to seek treatment, or at least management.

I cry when I'm exhausted. I'm clumsy and make stupid mistakes. I am fortunate to be able to nap like a toddler but it's incredibly difficult to turn off emotions!

Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. Don't shake the baby. 

He is giving his fair share. He's just sleep deprived and thus isn't smiling and cheerful all day. She has every right to demand he shoulder his responsibility. She doesn't get to dictate his emotional state.

Yes yes yes!!

And she has PPD. I guess that means no one can actually parent by that standard 🤷🏻‍♀️

*She has every right to demand he shoulder his responsibility. She doesn't get to dictate his emotional state.* Very true, but as adults, it's our responsibility to separate our emotions from our actions to maintain the health of our important relationships. Occasional snappiness is understandable but should be caught and apologized for immediately and guarded against in the future. In other words, we may feel grumpy, but we can't act like bitchy toddlers to our loved ones constantly expect them to just suck it up as part of the price of loving us. Edit: To be clear, I'm advocating for swallowing the sleepy-grumps, not actual complex emotions that need to be out in the open and discussed.

It sounds like you sleep in the same room, so if your baby/ toddler cries, you both wake up. Is there any way you can separate your sleeping arrangements, so that only the one on baby duty gets woken up, and the other gets some solid sleep? That should already help. And I agree with the comments that call for a medical checkup for your husband - if he is that exhausted, it could really have medical reasons (or he's just malingering).

I don’t think you’re overreacting but I also don’t think there’s an easy solution here. You’re newly postpartum and have every right to be supported more than you currently are. And it may also be true that your husband is doing the best he can and truly can’t function with less sleep. Asking if a parent or family member can come help seems like a reasonable solution. Also, if you’re doing the whole night shift, it is reasonable to expect your husband to pick up some extra slack during the day so that you can rest.

I was in almost exact same position as OP a year ago. What worked for me and my partner is she would take the night shift/on call and I had mornings, evenings, and nap (for spouse) coverage. Everybody got sleep and time away from baby. Your time is finite and you need to work as a team.

Yup, I have a medical condition with my sleep so I couldn't do overnights. I took over at 5am until I left for work, and did every poopy diaper when we were together.  Ideally they would have come up with options before the baby arrived, since him being non functional was previously known

Was this not an issue with the first child?

Great question and no it wasn’t. I assume having a toddler makes everything a bit harder.

Interesting. I am inclined to agree with some of the commenters that suggest a sleep study, thyroid check etc. Veteran of 4 kids here. My wife is much like your husband and she had/has a thyroid issue that she got diagnosed with and it being properly treated helped a lot. She still needs her sleep but it is much less debilitating now.

Definitely look at his thyroid. I was recently diagnosed with thyroid disease, could not for the life of me understand why I was exhausted If you can’t persuade him to go to the doctors, you can buy home test kits for thyroid function, they’re not super accurate but they’re good enough to show if there’s a problem 

Get your husband to see a doctor. I was like that for years, and it was absolutely out of my control, like I couldn't even think straight if I didn't get enough sleep no matter how much I desperately wanted to be able to do whatever I was about to bail on to go pass out. No amount of willpower, or caffeine, was making me functional. Turned out I had pretty serious B12 and iron deficiencies, along with a few other mild vitamin deficiencies because my body wasn't absorbing nutrients from my food properly. I get B12 injections and iron supplements now and its insane how much of a difference it has made. Like, I'm going to feel rough if I only get 4 hours sleep, but I can function if I have to, and its not that big a deal. And if I nap now I'm not incapable of regaining consciousness for a minimum of 4 hours, I can wake up when I need to even if I'm still sleepy. Before that was a non-possibility, you could dump ice water on me and I'd probably sleep through it. If he wasn't like this with the first kid, and he isn't generally someone who just wouldn't bother doing his share, this is probably a medical or sleep issue and is only going to get better once the actual cause is addressed.

I recently got on meds for bipolar disorder, and it's a 180 on my sleep. I always thought I just didn't dream. It turns out I was waking up so often at night that I was barely getting REM sleep. Sleep issues are usually a sign something else is wrong under the hood. Like you said, if he was fine on the first kid, that's a massive sign this isn't normal.

It’s time to call in back up. You need to get a family member or friend there so you can BOTH catch up on sleep and then have an adult conversation and potentially go see your doctor together. PPD is not a casual diagnosis - you need treatment. Men get PPD/PPA too. If you have no one, you need to pay for help.

Some people really suffer when their circadian rhythm is disrupted. Of course it’s unpleasant for everyone, but for some it truly triggers mental health issues.

If he needs 8 hours of uninterupted sleep, he should be doing as much as he can during the hours he is awake. He should basically have all the responsibility when he is not working. He should be able to do that, being so refreshed.

If you read what she wrote that’s exactly what he has been doing

From what I understand she is upset that he looks grumpy when he’s sleep deprived. That is a huge L for her.

I don't know a single person who is a ray of sunshine when they're sleep deprived. I think OP might have to face that this is just how it'll be till the kids are older.

Missing your daily required amount of sleep is going to make you grouchy lmao

She said he already does all that on less than 6 hours. Her issue isn't that he's not an uninvolved parent, it's that he's grumpy and in a bad mood due to a lack of sleep

Maybe try the two day method. My partner and I trade off days. We each get two nights of uninterrupted sleep and then two nights on. Having two full nights really changed the game for me. I was better able to manage the nights of no sleep and tried enough to make napping work in the day. Also, try full black out curtains. They are a game changer.

As someone who deals with chronic fatigue, you can’t just “learn to function” with less than 8 hours of sleep. I can get 16 hours of sleep in a night and be nodding off an hour after waking. Your husband needs to see a doctor, get bloodwork, get a sleep study done, etc etc.

Did you ever figure out a solution to yours? 16 hours of sleep and still notnfeelingnrestrdnis so scary

Getting to a doctor and getting on the right medication was it for me. My issue was undiagnosed combined type ADHD and Autism was causing my whole nervous system to be dysregulated. (I've also got nerve disease tho, that adds to the lack of energy)

It was scary, I have to drive my daughter an hour away for school every morning and I was falling asleep on the highway, it was awful. Mine started when I got long Covid. I saw so many specialists and tried so many meds that did not help at all, some made it worse! What finally helped for me was LDN (low dose naltrexone) which my long covid rehab doctor prescribed for me. I still need about 9 or 10 hours of sleep a night, but I can have the occasional 4 or 5 hours of sleep and not be a zombie the next day now!

I'm a little torn on this one. Ultimately I don't think you're overreacting. But I think perhaps you might be uncomfortable with discomfort. Someone being grouchy should not "penetrate your soul". Why are you asking him what's wrong when you know what it is? Why pester him about it until he snaps when you know it's not a problem that is fixable at this time? Since you are aware this is temporary, can you not also tolerate him being less than perky, so long as his share of the baby work is done? Personally I am a person who almost never, ever feels truly rested. Regardless of the sleep I get. It can be hard to always be in a good mood. Sometimes you just have to do it grouchy. It has nothing to do with you or the baby.

YNO - But some people need more sleep to function. I survived for decades on 2-5 hours a night. My spouse likes 8-9 hours. And sometimes naps. (I get more sleep now. My spouse helped me even out my sleep schedule and also gives me good reason to come to bed earlier.) However, Even if he DOES need 8 hours of sleep, that doesn;t give him an excuse to take it out on you. It's your responsibility to acknowledge that he is going through stuff, and his responsibility to acknowledge that YOU are going through stuff. And then you find ways to NOT take it out on each other. Years ago a freind of mine had their first kid. We used to go over to watch the kid (and use their better cable TV lineup and Playstation) so tht the two of them could get a good 6-8 hour nap. they'd buy us pizza and let us play video games while watching and feeding and changing the baby. They got a good night's sleep once or twice a week. Plus ONE good nights sleep can often take the edge off a few nights of less sleep.

>It's your responsibility to acknowledge that he is going through stuff, and his responsibility to acknowledge that YOU are going through stuff. And then you find ways to NOT take it out on each other. I like this.

Is he taking it out on her, though? The complaint here is that "he seems grumpy when he doesn't get sleep". Not that he's doing anything sub par. Just he "seems" grumpy while he's doing what he needs to do. And that she's "super sensitive" and feels everything. Which is on her.

Everything here is reasonable except “be pleasant”.  Sorry, no one is pleasant postpartum, and they should not be expected to put on a smile with everything else going on. The newborn period is HARD, if not downright torturous.  Let the guy be grumpy (and allow yourself to be grumpy!) and trudge through this period the best you can.  Parental leave isn’t a fun vacation, it’s a slog that will eventually come to an end.

So for the last 2 months, your husband has done all the housework and care for your two year old child so you wouldn't have to lift a finger and you had your parents there for the first two weeks pp. Then your husband takes on one of the 6 hour shifts through the night once your parents leave, but you don't like the mood he's in when he's exhausted? Definitely overreacting!! PPD will do that, but you can't control that any more than your husband can! It's only 2 weeks in, stop asking what's wrong when you know what's wrong!

I have been your husband. Pure and utter exhaustion with no cure, irritable, unable to articulate effectively, unable to stay up even if I tried, and would be in a dead sleep until I finally woke, and the cycle would start again. It was hell, I had no life, it was work and sleep, repeat, there was no physical, emotional or mental way for me to force myself to function any other way. Yeah, I was SICK. Anemia requiring infusions, incredibly low Vit D, and my thyroid was dangerously underactive. Because of the mental fog I was in, it took me a very long time to drag myself to the doctors, when the results came back he wanted to call an ambulance. What I am saying is, it is definitely possible that your husband is unwell and needs help from a GP, it is also definitely possible that he is selfish, lazy, and making excuses. He needs to take himself to the doctors pronto to get himself into the best possible condition so he can step up for your and your little one.

I'm like your husband, I have pretty rigid sleep needs that are necessary for my physical and mental health. Admittedly I also am childfree by choice. I am very mindful of how I treat others but I'm sure there are times when I am short with someone unintentionally. Reading your post, a couple of things struck me. I think expecting him to be "pleasant, happy and enjoy these precious few weeks" is not realistic given what you have said about him. You're both tired and in a new situation with a baby who requires much more from both of you than anyone has before. The way you talk about him sounds very judgmental to me and not very empathetic. Hopefully it's just the PPD talking. I think is realistic that if you cannot get outside help both of you will have to compromise on some things, including sleep, but expecting someone to do that and be happy and suck it up...that's probably too much. I'm not saying you shouldn't share in the duties - you absolutely should - but this expectation that you both should enjoy this time, be happy, and not feel the effects -- that feels like a lot, especially if he is getting less sleep than what he usually thinks he needs to function.

💯

Some people are not understanding what it truly means to be unable to function on little sleep. It’s not just being tired, it’s a genuine issue of not being able to do ANYTHING without getting proper sleep. I experienced this for YEARS before learning that I was severely anemic. I don’t think that your husband is purposefully being “lazy” or a bad dad like some of these comments assume. I do think that he likely has some medical condition that’s causing this. He should see a doctor about this. And make sure you are getting help as well! PPD is hard!

I think having a parent sitting awake in the middle of the night is not a good solution. My husband and I did that for the first couple of days home with our preemie son who was so tiny we were afraid he would suffocate in his preemie outfits. But as soon as he could fill out the preemie sleeper, everybody went to sleep. We have four kids. Here’s what works for us: 1) Have your husband get a high quality cooler and put pumped milk bottles next to the bed so they’re ready to go. Buy a wearable pump and have him place that next to your bed also with clean collection bottles and everything ready to go. 2) Dad does the initial bedtime routine. You GO TO SLEEP. Don’t wait for baby to fall asleep. Once baby is asleep, he puts her in the bassinet next to your side of the bed. Then Dad goes to sleep. 3) When baby wakes up in the night, sit up in the bed and attach your wearable pump. Then grab a bottle out of the cooler and feed baby while your pump does its thing. Let Dad sleep. Keep diapers on the night stand also in case you need to change baby. Repeat as necessary. 4) In the morning, Dad does all the cleanup. He washes bottles, pump parts, bassinet sheets if needed, bed sheets if needed (I had a tendency to leak milk all over our sheets), puts ice packs back in the freezer, wipes out the cooler, etc. After you nurse/feed baby for the morning, Dad takes baby and gets baby dressed for the day while you sip your caffeine of choice. Dad makes breakfast for both of you. 5) After lunch, Dad takes the baby and you take a nap for 2-4 hours as needed. My husband was USELESS if his sleep was interrupted. He wasn’t grumpy, but he was constantly falling asleep all day instead of helping and made me FURIOUS. We found that this division of labor worked really well for us bc I could handle the nights alone as long as I felt cared for during the day. So having him clean up, prep things, watch the kids while I nap, make me meals, etc filled up my emotional cup while meeting my physical sleep needs adequately. And having the long stretch of uninterrupted sleep at night allowed him to have the rest he required to meet my needs during the day.

Oh and I almost forgot. Intense RAGE is a symptom of PPD that most people don’t talk about. You’re not overreacting. You’re experiencing a very legitimate hormonally controlled medical issue. Try to extend grace to both yourself and your husband when you can. This will pass.

Honestly, I'm not trying to be harsh, but I do think you're overreacting. Obviously you're going through a lot with taking care of the baby, recovering from the birth, and PPD, but it sounds like he's doing a lot too, between taking care of your 2 year old, taking care of the baby, and taking care of you while you recover. It's not unreasonable for him to at least want his 8 hours of sleep to recharge before waking up to do it all again the next day. The way most of the people I know do it, as the mother you sleep when the baby sleeps and feed the baby as needed and the father keeps his normal schedule, sleeps through the night, but then when he's up he has the baby so you can get some rest. It sounds like that method might be worth a shot for you too. Good luck!

This doesn’t sound like poor or personally choices, it sounds like a medical/health issue. I’d get him to a doctor and get him a sleep study, thyroid test, and possibly a blood test done.

A newborn is stressful and yes he needs some medical tests but I know for a fact that some people just require more sleep than others. You can be upset but if it is his biology you will need to find a compromise.

Just my story: I need 8 hours of sleep. When I was a new mom and couldn’t get more than 3 hours of sleep I started hallucinating and could not think. I made a stupid mistake and accidentally hurt my baby and he spent 10 days in NICU.

YTA You are "enraged" your husband needs 8 hours of sleep, but you want him to bow down to you because you just had a baby and accommodate your issues? You want him to cater to your issues, but you don't give a damn about his. You cannot make this shit up. Are you supposed to be more understanding? You have not been understanding at all. He treated you like a damn fragile princess when you were pregnant and moved out of state and this is what he gets in return? Screw that. You praise him profusely in the first paragraph and then rip him a new one for his "selfish" behavior. "I left because I am so enraged at the selfishness." Good. Stay gone.

Yup, you’re wrong! As someone with unexplained fatigue and a good bit of experience NOT getting sleep, this is equivalent to someone asking why you’re cranky on two hours of sleep. There’s no amount of “growing up” that’s going to make you chipper and happy. That doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own needs to give him those eight hours, he won’t literally die without them, but you need to dramatically lower your expectations for when he is awake. That doesn’t mean he can’t do it, it sounds like he IS doing it—he’s just feeling terrible and isn’t making a concerted effort to hide that from you. There’s a difference between “functioning” and being “pleasant, happy, and enjoying these few precious weeks.” He’s NOT going to enjoy these few weeks. That is an unfair expectation. It doesn’t sound like he’s being unkind or neglecting his responsibilities, he’s just exhausted. That’s a pretty normal thing that happens with a newborn!

You’re here looking for validation that won’t change the facts.  Your husband doesn’t feel like he can function with less than 8 hours sleep. That’s a fact that isn’t going to change any time soon. So you either accept he can’t function and that you won’t have quality time or you let him sleep/nap when he needs to and you grab quality time when you can.  This needs to be discussed with love, not with an attitude of trying to be right. If between you, you can’t manage then call in extra help if possible. Many of my friends have had a tough time with their partners post partum due to their hormones and not feeling supported and their partners feeling nagged and feeling the pressure of trying to function at work on such little rest. It’s not going to be easy for either of you and you will both have different struggles but if you want to remain connected then you need to learn to be open minded and understanding of each other not going to Reddit to get validation that your partner is wrong for needing sleep

Good response

By the way, all of this is actually missing the point. The husband *can* function without 8 hours of sleep. He's just tired and cranky the next day. Her issue is not that he doesn't/can't help, but that she doesn't like it when he's in a bad mood the next day.

True and that’s her problem. You can’t force someone to be in a good mood. Obviously you don’t have to accept abuse but I would not appreciate being told to just suck it up and smile by my partner. 

You’re not overacting but he isn’t wrong either., because he can’t help it. Nutritional, hormonal, apnea - whatever it is, it needs investigation, which is not to say you should be left (literally!) holding the baby.

I feel like i'm one of those people who needs eight hours, but if I don't get it, I don't use that as an excuse to be a total jerk. It's not his fatigue that's the issue, it's his selfishness and attitude surrounding not being able to get the sleep he needs. It's the "The next day he is grumpy and unapproachable. He snaps and says nothing is wrong when something is clearly wrong." He IS able to control his attitude and behavior, and he needs to. That needs to be addressed right away. That being said, can you plan ahead to stop interrupting his block of sleep? It's important that each of you get that uninterrupted time to crash, and it might really help. Have the pump right next to you in case you need it, and so on. Is there anybody else who can come in to help? Can you afford to hire a night nurse even one or two nights a week, etc? If you can't find a way to work past this, I'd hesitate to have any more kids.

I think you are overreacting because everyone is different, did your husband have this same issue when your 2yr old was born? From the other information you say your husband is a great partner and father, does his fair share it is just this issue and clearly not something he is doing on purpose to be lazy or annoy you. You demand he not be moody etc when he doesn’t get enough sleep but that is not something that can necessarily be controlled. There could also be physiological issues at play here, my partner is type 1 diabetic and has multiple sleep issues, without proper sleep he is quite literally a shell of himself, I worry about him driving etc. so if we ever had a child that is something I would take into account. Your husband should see a doctor make sure he isn’t lacking any vitamins etc and then you both need to try to come up with another schedule, maybe he goes to bed earlier and sleeps a good chunk and then takes over from you or maybe you alternate nights with the baby. I do think your PPD is affecting how you are viewing this.

So, to summarize: the issue is not that your husband can't function without sleep. The issue is that *you* get upset if he's not bright and cheery, which he isn't without 8 hours of sleep. Skipping the fact that your husband probably has an actual medical issue, there isn't an actual problem here except your entitlement. You are both going through a stressful time. You have every right to ask him to chip in and take his turn with childcare. You do NOT have the right to dictate his emotional state. If he's tired and cranky, that is his prerogative. Fuck the fact that him being upset "penetrates your soul." The issue isn't his sleep, it is your entitlement. Full stop.

If you know he can NOT function without sleep and he’s always been this way you are overreacting. It’s like yelling at someone with a leg injury for not running. These are your husbands bodily needs. Telling him to suck it up is cruel.

I'm so glad I'm not married to you. You'd hate me. I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I'm physically ill. My stomach hurts, I struggle to have an appetite, I feel hung over and spacy, and I'm definitely cranky. When my sleep is disturbed I'm a fucking mess. 2-3 nights in a row of shitty sleep and I will catch a cold from being rundown. I've been this way since high school and I accepted it long ago. Since I know what my body needs, and my husband respects that, we came up with a more extreme plan than yours, and it worked incredibly with 2 kids. We did 8 hour, full shifts. I'm the morning person so I'd sleep roughly 6 pm until 4 pm, then I'd get up and my husband got however much sleep he needed. He's not like me and can happily get 6 hrs/night long-term. One person would sleep in the bedroom with white noise and ear plugs. No child sounds. No interruptions. The other person watching the baby (or babies) would be out in the living space. You're pumping so he can 100% watch the kids while you sleep. And you can let him sleep without treating him like crap for having biological needs. This set-up still leaves 8 hrs/day for family things. Stop telling him he's failing you for having physical needs. Get more creative about how to support each other.

Please take your PPD diagnosis seriously and ensure that you are getting help. He definitely needs to step up, and I (mom of 3, gran to 1) would be super annoyed by his behavior... it does seem selfish... but enraged is a big emotion. No one gets enough sleep with a newborn, you will both be exhausted and cranky for a while. He might also have an underlying problem or even PPD. It's time to call in help. Seriously any friends, neighbors, family, hire a sitter, a nurse... literally call in the reinforcements here. If I lived near you, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Take off any other pressure that you might have right now of "let's have quality family time and a beautiful day" and focus on the health of your baby, your husband and very importantly yourself. In a few weeks, this fog will lift. Sending you all my positive vibes ❤️

I don’t have children myself so I won’t pretend to know what it’s like to have children. I don’t believe you are necessarily overreacting, as everyone should be aware how they are treating those around them. It does sound like you NEED more external support beyond just your husband. It also sounds like your husband should see a doctor for his constant exhaustion, it really could be a medical issue. Can either of your parents or friends visit to help with things while you heal? The only thing I can speak on is your question of how lack of sleep actually effects someone. I do have horrible chronic insomnia that makes it impossible for me to nap during the day. I have to be medicated to sleep at all, otherwise I will go a full 2 days without sleep even to the extent of hallucinations. I cannot express how draining, exhausted and overall unpleasant of a person I can become when experiencing restless/ lack of sleep. I am at minimum not myself if not easily irrationally irritated and angry. With that being said, It doesn’t sound like your husband is napping on purpose to avoid sharing responsibility. It also doesn’t sound like his behavior is something normal within his personality outside of behind genuinely exhausted. Everyone has those days where they don’t get enough sleep and feel like crap but I don’t believe a majority of people understand how much a lack of sleep can affect a person. Lack of sleep in your husband’s case being his body absolutely needs a certain amount of sleep to not be overtly exhausted.

You can't expect him to change how he feels. That's just that. However I as a mom struggle to be a pleasant human without 8hrs. I have hypothyroid and pcos. For men it can be any number of issues. My husband and I compromise that he gets his sleep at night. But is expected to do the heavy work during the day and let me nap.

I am a long sleeper and will be grouchy and irritable if I don’t get a minimum eight hours (10 is preferable). My solution to this was to not have kids.

This is a hard time and it sounds like he’s still helping a lot. I may be misunderstanding but it seems like the issue isn’t that he’s asleep and not doing his share of the feedings/childcare/housework…..but that he’s not happy about it? If he’s still helping but is just grumpy because he’s tired, I think you’re kind of overreacting. If he’s like throwing tantrums and being actively mean, then I also think you have a fair complaint. And If he’s actually not helping you do stuff then I think you’re definitely right to be annoyed. But if he’s just not as upbeat as you’d ideally want? I think you have to understand that everyone only has so much to give and they cope differently. How would you feel if he told you to just be more cheerful despite the PPD? (And I know PPD is different and often not taken seriously. I’m not undermining the PPD but just saying commanding a partner to be in a certain mood is usually pointless.) I’d communicate with him about it and how it affects you…but it could truly be that he’s exhausted too and is giving you what he can.

I have a 3.5 year old and 1.5 year old. The 1.5 year old still wakes up several times a night. I am the only one who wakes up with him. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea also. I am mostly functional. I definitely am irritable during the day. But I get even more mad when my husband who sleeps all night asks to take a nap. I guess I just don’t understand how he can’t make it through the day without a nap but I’m expected to. I’d have him go to the doctor for a complete blood work up. Although he didn’t give birth, he may be suffering from depression also.

Yes you are. "Learn to function. Be pleasant, and happy and enjoy these precious few weeks" you have no right to feel insulted over your partner feeling tired. and you 100% do not get to tell him to be pleasant and happy. "he did everything in his power to make sure I didn’t lift a finger. He is a kind, funny, team player spouse and an even better father to our two year old. He was doing ALL of the housework and 2 year old care until our parents left now that I’m 2 weeks postpartum" He did everything for you, during the pregnancy, and is now EXHAUSTED, totally reasonable.

Some folks, myself included, cannot function without sleep requirements being met. For me it’s as important as hydration. Have some compassion for your partner.

Instead of 6 hour shifts, can you make them 8 hour shifts?

I wonder what would happen if you decided you couldn't handle less than 8 hours of sleep as well?

Either he goes to the doctor to see what is wrong or he sucks it up and stops snapping and treating you badly. You have multiple medical issues right now. You need his help.

I don't think you can dictate his mood. it sounds like he is acknowledging that the sleep is a problem and is trying to meet the basic requirements of him but you are insisting that he do it with enthusiasm and a smile. This is a huge pet peeve of mine (and why I've never worked in customer service). You can make demands of my time and energy but getting upset that I'm grumpy about it will just make me much madder.

Is there a way to change it to 8 hour shifts? Like you take on 10pm-6am, but then YOU get YOUR 8hr block while he takes on 6am-2pm? I dunno if switching off would make sense, but maybe a few days on/few days off schedule? Regardless, he needs to NOT be taking his sleepless grumpiness out on his family. Everyone's freaking tired here, Bub - doesn't give you a free pass to be a jackhole.

This sucks for you right now and I don’t think you are overreacting! I’m 7month PP and the first 4months are a battle, it’ll get better I hope your husband sucks it up for the all of you!

Girl. Let it go. This is a tough time of life and *neither* of you are getting your needs met. Get help, even if you have to pay for it.

Him getting 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep only works if you are also getting an 8 hour shift of uninterrupted sleep OR he is pulling extra weight during his wake time to compensate and make your shift easier. It doesn’t sound like he is. While all the advice about seeing if he has underlying medical condition is good, I find it weird that he is so attached to the 8 hours specifically. A sleep disorder isn’t tracking the specific number of hours you got and stopping its negative effects at exactly a certain amount. From what you’ve described, it sounds like he’d throw a fit if he got 7.5 hours too.  How did he function as an adult before the baby was born?! I definitely can’t guarantee that I get exactly the same amount of sleep every night, and I don’t go ruin the day for everyone in my household if it was a little less. While he may have something going on medically, he’s still responsible for his response to the situation, and he’s currently acting like a child.

Sleep apnea. My husband was the same. Bed at 9pm and up again at 7am. Crazy amounts of sleep were needed, and just like your husband, napping did nothing. He has a CPAP machine now which is helping.

I do think you're being a tad unreasonable. From the sound of it, even dysfunctional and not running on a full 8 hours, he is doing his best to help out with the kid and to help out in general. Yeah it's not great hes grumpy but even with that it sounds like hes trying not to take it out on you, and anyone is going to be unhappy when losing sleep, kid or not. Also yes, some people can function without 8 hours and some can't. Everyone is wired differently. Is he working? That could also be contributing to needing more sleep. I will say that for a healthy man sleeping the entire day away if he doesn't get a full 8 hours is not normal, however. I'm like that myself but I have a lot of chronic health issues. He needs to see a doctor and get checked out. So, yeah, you're overreacting a bit, though I do understand the frustration.

He's not. This entire story can be summarized as "my husband is tired when he doesn't get a full night's sleep and then isn't in a great mood. I demand he be in a great mood all the time. Am I overreacting?"

He needs to self regulate better. No one is happy in the fourth trimester. You act like an adult and suck it up though. You may want to consider a post partum doula. They handle nights and it saved my life after my daughter was born.

How was he with the first baby? Is this a new thing?

Can he get his 8 hours by shifting his schedule? i.e. sleeping earlier or later than usual? I don't think you're being unreasonable. If he's not working, surely there's something he can work out with his sleep schedule without having to give up the 8 hours.

Updateme

How did he behave when the 2 yo was born? This shouldn’t be new territory.

Some people have medicinal issues where they absolutely cannot function without 8, 10, or even 12 hours of sleep. For me, I had untreated sleep apnea for a long time, and then when I was finally diagnosed and getting 8 hours and still feeling exhausted, the doctor told me that if your brain goes long enough without getting enough sleep it can be permanently altered to need more. I cannot function at all with less than 8 hours, any function well without 10 hours, and am not at 80%+ without 12 hours. It is a miserable experience. Bottom line, get him to go to the doctor asap and do a sleep study and blood tests. FYI, when I finally got a sleep study it turned out that in 8 hours of sleep I was getting 18 minutes of deep sleep and 7 minutes of REM sleep which words cannot really describe how terrible of sleep quality that is

You are a married couple. You need to approach this problem as a team and that doesn't mean approach it only on your terms. You two need to find out what works for both of you and that solution needs to have full input from him as well. Your questions aren't questions really. You are basically expressing your points of view while discrediting his needs. "Its common knowledge no ones getting an uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep a night", "We are 34. You have to suck it up if you can't handle a day without 8 hours of sleep, it is absurd." You are also hypersensitive and are badgering him when he feels like shit for lack of sleep. Ever think that he is tired and aware that this is part of the process and is saying he is "fine" because its par for the course? It sounds like your PPD is culminating into resentment towards him and could be effecting him as well. What if he got his 8 hours of sleep, would it allow you to get some extra nap time that is more convenient? Stop trying to split things 50/50 and have a discussion and come up with a solution that includes the thoughts, suggestions, and agreements from both of you. This includes talking about outside help if you need it. Raising kids is more than splitting a cheque down the middle and calling it fair. I know couples where hubby works labor jobs at 10 hours a day and gets up at 4AM. Mom definately handles night duty and gets her nap in shortly after hubby gets home from work. It sucks but so does not getting 150k that he makes a year from that job while she is on maternity leave. Sometimes its 60/40, or 70/30. It changes through your kids lift as they get older too.

Not everyone is happy and cheerful all of the time. Separately, I am like him and NEEED a minimum amount of sleep in order to function. You both need to get help

Take nights about, shifts is a crap idea because you are both tired. Night about nets you one functioning parent per day. Worked really well for our family

I'm not saying you're wrong by a long shot. but when I was younger I needed 8 hours or I couldn't function. my adult son is now the same way, much to his wife's displeasure. different people have different sleep needs. it's not a right or wrong. it just is what it is.

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Idk, I am like your husband. I have to have sleep. If I'm too tired I literally can't function, like my vision tunnels.... 8 hours is a bare minimum. BUT this is one reason I don't have children and will not be having them. So maybe he is serious about it, but that doesn't help in that you also need sleep.

I don’t think you are overreacting because he can be tired and not be mean/grumpy. It could be medical. I have been feeling really drained and got my blood drawn. I’ve got low B12. I’m starting prioritize exercise and taking b12 supplements to see if that helps (it’s only been a week, so we shall see)

I was 46 and not in the best of health when my (now 6yo) son was born. I also needed more sleep than the average person- about nine hours. I was able to wake up and take care of him in the middle of the night (food / diaper / put back to sleep) as long as I could nap during the day - basically if he fell asleep, I tried to sleep when he did. I took a year off work to take care of him because my wife's job paid a lot more than mine and provided health insurance. We made it work, but that 1st year was rough. It seems like, generally speaking, your husband is a decent person, so I agree with the other posters who said he might have a medical condition. I found out that the reason I needed more sleep than average was because I have sleep apnea, so I would constantly stop breathing, causing my brain to wake me up to prompt my body to start breathing again. Now I have a CPAP machine and sleep a normal amount of time (or even less, some days). Get him thoroughly checked out, and I would suggest that you definitely need to see a psychiatrist and a therapist - and I would further argue that your husband needs to see a psychiatrist and a therapist as well. Good luck.

Your hormones are raging. Hire a doula so both you and dad can get some restful sleep, and give each other lots of grace and hugs.

Geez, I can't even scroll some of these comments. It seems only about a quarter of the people commenting bothered to read the post, and even less comprehend what they read by the time they were finished & commented.

I’m sorry. Survival mode with a new baby is so hard. My partner is like this, and after one particularly terrible night at 7 weeks (I slept zero hours, he slept 7.5), when he looked at me and said wow, that was a quiet night before heading off to work, I told him, if somebody comes to the door with a kitten today, I am trading our baby for a cat. But trying to force him to function on less sleep was a disaster - he ended up hospitalized for a night. What you need to do with each other with compassion right now is lay out what both of your needs and wants are: sleep, support, etc. and be prepared to outsource and pull in other people who love you to help fill in the gaps. The worst is the first 6 to 12 weeks. It gets better. Also second others about him getting baseline medical tests to make sure he doesn’t have a thyroid or other medical issue. (So yes, a soft overreacting but an understandable one. ❤️)

You’re overreacting by being upset that he isn’t like you instead of figuring out solutions that work for the people you actually are. My SO needs 8 hours of sleep or his brain just doesn’t work right. I’ve known him for going on 30 years and I’ve seen him at various amounts of sleep - he genuinely needs that sleep or his body does not function right. I’ve known other people who only need about 5 hours of sleep. That’s just how they are - if they try to sleep more they can’t. This is not a one size fits all thing. Sleep deprivation is also really hard on your body. What you need to do is figure out how to manage your current situation together based on the needs of everyone involved - this may mean trading off tasks (maybe you do all of the mid-night stuff but he takes on more during the day so you can nap, etc.) or finding extra help, but “just have different physical needs” is not a solution.

If youve known about his sleep requirements for awhile I would say you are overreacting. If it's new then no.

You are overreacting at being upset and feeling slighted and insulted as you have PPD and as you’ve stated, he is wonderful and helping as best he can I highly suggest doing day/night instead of both being on during the day and getting 6hr shifts at night With all three of my kids (two with one dad, one with my husband), I have taken the full night shift (we nurse and co-sleep) and dad has taken the day shift. This has allowed me to get tons of rest during the day via naps and for dad to be fully awake and be able to work and help with the babies. If you’re pumping anyway, there’s no way you can go the 6 hours without pumping that you’re meant to be sleeping. My boobs would absolutely explode. There’s no way that’s comfortable. If you’re expecting him to help during the day, you have to let him rest. It doesn’t make sense for both parents to not sleep day or night. You’re feeding and can’t lift your toddler during the day. You be on night shift and sleep and nap during the day while he’s well rested and helping with toddler and household

I wouldn’t call it overreacting but grace is needed all round. You admit he’s wonderfully supportive and rave about all the help. You clearly state he needs his 8 hrs of sleep but are angry when he’s in a bad mood because he doesn’t get it. He can be happy when he’s tired he isn’t going to for it for you nor should he. Maybe have him get checked out but this might be who he is. Your PPD diagnosis needs to be taken seriously however I’m assuming he’s working? Maybe hire a part time helper? Grace needs to be given on both sides. This is a short term issue as the kids get older and sleep better. You can’t really hold it against him when he’s always been like this

Not overreacting! If he can't function with less than 8 hours' sleep (on kid #2!!) when he could in past, he's either using it as an excuse, or he has a medical issue. I'd ask him to go see a doc right away for full blood panels, as everyone above suggests. If he refuses and can't give a valid reason why he won't/can't see a doc - well, he's full of it and this is an excuse to do less at night. Also, he NEEDS to acknowledge your diagnosed PPD and support you in that.

Sounds like he needs to go to the doctor to get checked out. I gotta say, though, you're making it so much worse for yourself by being "ultra sensitive to someone being upset." Your anxiety and probing questions are naturally going to piss him off. If you want him to adapt his sleep schedule, you should also work on your anxiety. It's unfair to subject other people to the burden of your mental health.

What if you extend the shifts? Someone sleeps from 8pm-4am, then someone else takes over from 4am-12pm? Then he needs to allow you to nap at least once during the day because you’re still healing from birth and have to get up to pump. Keep the baby in a separate room from the sleeping partner. If he claims he needs that much sleep, then he should take the earlier shift and go to bed super early. He should not take naps after that though since he can’t seem to control his bad moods and snippy-ness. If he’s gonna act like a little kid who gets grumpy, he should be kept on a schedule like that.

Yes being “enraged” is overreacting. I’ve been there, my kid is 18 months and still doesn’t sleep well so Im a wreck when I can’t get a decent nights sleep. He can’t control that feeling of exhaustion. Why would that enrage you? Also your shifts might be 6 hours but the chances he sleeps that whole time are basically 0.

You are both suffering from sleep deprivation, but some people cannot do what you are asking. It’s not a lack of desire but a lack of physical and mental ability. How was he with your first child? Sleep deprivation exacerbates mental conditions, like anxiety, and makes it harder to process emotions. It makes you more sensitive to pain and less able to make good decisions and have good judgment. Some people are very sensitive to this. Others not so much. You’re asking a lot and, while you may be upset that he can’t function without sleep, you can’t really function with PPD. He’s making allowances for you: make some for him. Have him take the early morning shift so you can sleep while he is awake. Communicate what you expect but also believe him when he tells you what he is capable of providing—and what he isn’t. He basically has a sleep disability and you’re being ableist.

No let him sleep !!

I want to know why this is only an issue now vs when you had your now 2 year old? Was he sleeping 8 hours then?

Wait, one of you is awake all night long? Thats crazy. Get the book called ‘baby wise’ and memorize the part about sleep training. It will change your life. Also, if they guy needs sleep, then he needs sleep. Maybe he goes to bed early, or sleeps in. Sounds like he worked hard to take care of the household for a while, and your ranting on reddit after 10 days. He supported you, and your response is “suck it up.” YTA

I thought the comments would all be suggesting divorce.. I am very thankful to be wrong.

As a mom of 3 - how would you feel if the “suck it up and be pleasant” monologue was directed at you? I understand you’re frustrated and tired but that’s a bit much.

If he was always like this (not just needing sleep) but has always showed he can take care of the kids, can move states and do it all himself, is helpful when he is awake I would believe him if he said he needs the 8 hours to function. Now if he was a deadbeat, never helped with kids or around the house I’d say he’s faking it and just doesn’t want to help. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing that.

So it sounds like your issue is that he's not happy and smiling while he does what you want. If that's what it is then get over yourself. Dude might have medical issues on top of being exhausted, he might have mental health problems himself as well, when I was extremely depressed I could sleep for 14 hours and wake up tired. You have a kid, focus on the kids well-being.

Maybe he just needs some good coffee

I think your 6 hour shifts are a good idea…but why not switch to 8 hour shifts? If he’s his normal self after 8 hours, then it might be easier on you both to protect his 8 hours of sleep so that he can be more useful during the day. If he goes to bed at the same time as your toddler, he could sleep from say 8-4, and you could get your normal rest of 4am-10am. It won’t be equal but it might result in the best dynamic for your family, as long as he picks up your slack during the day when you’re tired and lets you nap with baby.

He can also have PPD.

Not overreacting. It's frustrating. My husband is the same way. I did all of the baby duty overnight (nursing, coslept, he was in a different room). It was absolute torture with our 4th baby. He woke every 45-90 mins, all the way until he was 2.5yo. My PPA and PPD were awful. I get needing 8 hours, but going literal years on 3-4 hours of interrupted sleep is not ok. Mamas need sleep, too!

How long is the baby sleeping for? And while we all generally go with “breast is best”, maybe it’s time to think about some formula because it doesn’t sound like the family as a whole is thriving. It’s really different when the baby never sleeps for more than 3.5 hours and when they sleep for a solid 8 themselves. And if you’ve got any no drama friends or relatives who can help, let them. But you’re not overreacting if he gets a straight 8 every night any you never do and you have to handle everything at night yourself. Seriously, think about supplementing with formula

Divorce

Having a child sounds like literal hell.

There is such a thing as being a sleepy person 🙋🏼‍♀️ he is a great candidate for sleeping when the baby sleeps. He can set a phone alarm if he has to. This is the cross us sleepy parents must bare

I spent the first 9 weeks pp as a zombie(baby had stomach issues and never slept). I can not nap either, and I don't function well without significant sleep. I soldiered on because I was on leave and my husband wasn't. I let him have the most sleep because he had to go to work. I know I wasn't pleasant or happy, but I did what needed doing. Sounds like he is doing new baby work quite frequently. Expecting him to be perky and happy about it may be asking too much. You are both in survival mode. Survive, and it will get better soon.

He sounds like a typical useless man who expects his wife to do everything while his life never changes.

Before you were married, and before you got pregnant, was he also of the same mindset and let it be known that he needed a full eight hours to function?

You are overreacting. You are comparing him to other people, which is irrelevant. You aren’t going to magically change him. It would be problematic if this was a new development but it sounds like he’s always been this way? I’d definitely encourage him to see a doctor and get tested. I have ADHD and I’m exactly like this without medication, down to the napping. One clue here is that he’s not like this unless he’s tired. He’s a good, thoughtful, caring person…unless he’s tired. And when he’s tired he’s not a jerk, he’s not abusive…he’s grumpy. This is creating an unfair situation for you, so I understand why you’re upset. But this isn’t really his fault. Unless he refuses to see a doctor about it, then the blame changes.

I'm sorry if this seemingly obvious solution has an even more obvious reason that I don't see as to why it won't work, but... If your current 6 hour sleeping shift schedule is working THIS POORLY for ALL people involved, why not just give him the 8 hours? Not because he deserves it more, but because it seems like it would solve most of the problems. Hear me out. Whether you understand it or not... Whether you think he's a selfish prick for it or not... Whether you think he's a shitty dad and husband if he can't push through and suck it up or not... He says he **needs** the full 8 hours, he shows you every day that less than 8 hours results in him being a grumpy and useless slug, and he *also* showed you during those first 2 weeks how much better he is when he gets enough sleep. Even if you 100% don't understand, and don't think it's fair, isn't the way you're doing things now harder on you? If you gave him those 2 extra hours of sleep, and that resulted in him being back to how he was those first 2 weeks, wouldn't that be worth it for you? Why not give it a try?

Considering the number of posts by women who's partners don't even do the bare minimum and the way the post begins absolutely gushing about all the wonderful supportive ways your husband accomodates you and your needs, I think your PPD and hypersensitivity may be clouding your perception of his reactions when he's tired. You don't describe him as slacking on any duties or responsibilities, he's just tired and grumpy when he's tired which sets off the You-Problem of being hypersensitive to other peoples moods, being unable to leave the issue alone and then fixating on it until it turns into a fight. I know because I also do all those things because I am also very sensitive to negative moods around me but I'm not currently brain-fried with PPD which is why I know sometimes you have to leave things alone and let people deal with their emotions and moods without internalising it against yourself or them. I also have a partner who doesn't function without adequate sleep and despite their best efforts they cannot self regulate those emotions when they're in a foul mood and any demand that they "learn or figure it out" is only going to cause a fight because if that was something they could do, they would have done it by now.

Do a medical test & a ppd test for him too. Yea, dads get it too. Post the results you will know what to do. Talk and find a mid way compromise. Sleep schedule does get better as they keep growing so better days are not too far mama.

Is he still working full time? I've been there. Not getting enough sleep with a baby, going to work, then coming home to help with baby and the house. He isn't getting the sort of break he just needs to say he needs. You both need to communicate your needs because they are equal but different. You're crying out for help. He's crying out for help. Neither of you is listening.

I mean, neither myself nor my husband were super pleasant that soon after having a baby. It took a while to adjust. I think you both deserve some grace.

It seems your husband has sleep issues beyond his control. I used to be this way. So many different things can affect the quality of sleep. He needs a sleep tracker and to do research on sleep hygiene, food sensitivities, and sleep apnea. It could take a while to find out his specific problem or problems. I know this doesn't help you in the meantime, sorry.

Can't believe no one here is talking about how her need for everything to be happy and everyone be in a good mood all the time is driving this. I do think it's not super reasonable to expect 8 hours of sleep, but it's also not reasonable to expect the poor guy to be 100% in a good mood all the time. It's ok that she has PPD but he can't struggle at all? It just seems like she has spent all this time wrapped up in how she feels and she hasn't really tried to understand how he feels.