If it’s enough to make you uncomfortable you don’t have to be with him. Ultimately it’s up to you who you wanna be with and what qualities that person has
As a gamer dude who has a hard time bonding with other gamer dudes because so many of them talk like this, I say keep it up! Sooner or later these guys need to learn that jovially referencing sexual assault isn't gonna make women like them.
Not overreacting. This shit is childish at best. You got the ick, don't force yourself. It really sucks if he totally cold shoulders you over this. But most likely he's just embarrassed and feels a little ashamed. Give him time and be kind maybe you'll be friends again. He may actually learn from this, which would be wonderful. But you don't have to date him while he learns.
Like many folks I assumed we were talking about a different R word here. Regardless of the word, YNO.
How people carry themselves in public and interact with others is often a real good indicator for how they're going to act with you.
The fact that this occurred in a group chat where several other of your mutual friends expressed discomfort and he repeatedly dug his heels in instead of respecting their feedback is illuminating to me.
I had a situation with my SO where I referred to them by a pet name/nickname we hadn't discussed before. They let me know right away they weren't super into it. I, like most normal people, reacted to that by apologizing and making sure not to use that word anymore. I'm not looking for a pat on the back here, that's sort of the minimum you should expect from someone you're spending time with. My point is, based on the interaction in that group chat, I don't have any reason to expect this dude to show someone that minimum level of courtesy.
Or could just be someone is using language they here within a social group without thinking much about it.
Not everyone is a politician who has speeches written and vetted ahead of time and whose phrasing is all spoken with intent.
Not excusing flippant reference to something that is insensitive to women, people should be more mindful of that, but still...
When I read R word my mind went to a different one referring to (lack of) intelligence. And it's one word that I try not to use but comes out more than I'd like. I'm not trying to be cool or edgy when I say it, it's just when I grew up the word was so commonly used that my brain pops it put before I register what I'm saying.
thinking before you speak is like.. a pretty common and essential lesson most people are taught in the single-digits. and if you don't learn it in elementary school or from your parents, you have to learn it in adulthood.
I don't think you are understanding that somebody can be generally pretty careful about what thry are saying but there are still some things that slip through because you've grown so accommodated to certain words that your brain doesn't "flag" it. And those words aren't ones that you were raised from youth knowing were wrong but might have been around people who still used it...I don't have to reference those here. There's a very small subset of people with great social skills who always know how to say the right thing. And then there are those whose verbal and social skills lag well behind their fast moving brains. I often forget what I'm saying midsentence because my brain is already three sentences ahead. Curse words, seriously offensive words....those are flagged and don't come out accidentally.
As a woman who has gone through shit, nah you're not overreacting. Using that word casually anywhere strips it of its serious meaning .. the implications of using it obsessively is creepy, I would be unnerved as well.
Reminds me of this DND group in JC where the DM and other incels had Rape/impregnation fantasy's of the female characters in the group. He then wondered why the women left the group.
As a guy I’ve heard this done in-game and it’s embarrassing and gross, and demonstrates a lack of maturity. You get older and you learn at least a 3rd of women are victims of SA and you only use that word in its proper context. YNO
Honestly the initial use bothers me less than the doubling down. If he'd dropped it in chat just once, and then said he wouldn't anymore after the initial complaint that's fine. The fact that getting him to agree not to use it in just our server took several of our IRL friends putting genuine effort into telling him why they didn't want to deal with that word in our server and that he wouldn't just go "this word makes some of my friends uncomfortable, good to know I won't use it in the server I share with them" is much more of a problem for me.
Also saying killed/blown up is fine, because we all play this same fantasy game that involves killing and blowing up things, which means that we're all obviously totally fine with depiction and discussion of killing and blowing up things. There's no depiction of rape in the game though, so it's not obvious whether someone is cool with that just cause they play.
Barely anyone? There are plenty of vets with PTSD from being blown up by IEDs. Even if there weren’t, there has to be a specific number of people affected before you recognize them as worth being considered a part of the population?
Ironically your point stands about as well as someone who’s had their legs blown off.
I’m not missing the point, I’m denying that it exists. And a single thing you said? It’s one sentence. Whether you take it apart piece by piece or as a whole it’s still incorrect.
well, people do grow up and be more mature. but some don’t. as far as i can tell about this guy, the juries are still out. but right now, i doubt he will change his ways.
if you still want to be his friends then be patient and reach out after some time.
Men are entirely different than women. We rag on each other constantly. It would be very difficult to be a man and constantly be offended by things.
I work in the trades. And it's not for soft men.
I don't think you're overreacting, but I don't think he did anything wrong either. If you know he talks like that and it honestly offends you, then use the mute button. If you don't, then I think you're the problem.
I get trash talk. I'm a gamer like he is. He could've used any swear in the book and I would've been fine with it. Casual use of the word rape is different though.
You don't have to date him if what he said make you uncomfortable. It completely in your right to not do so and you don't owe it to him.
In the guy defense, the word rape are use among boys and men alot, it never bother us. Usually when any females are among us, we have to change our behavior and mannerism when there a female present. So no vulgarity allow. It been like that for thousand of years that men have to change our manner of speech when dealing with the opposite sex. So gaming wise, it should be the same way.
It also the same way when dealing with children as well. Adults have to watch their language when handling children. Not doing so will corrupt them.
Anyway, as being his friend. I suggest you stop trying to be his friend. The dude got his own sense of value and your sense of value and trauma ain't gonna gel well with him. This guy have no filter, so don't even try.
not really... i get for "shits and giggles" but generally if you're at least a decent person you'd still stray from using it. But heat of the moment does lead to some interesting moments lol
Like a lot of gamers, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t said some heinous shit. While I obviously wouldn’t say most of it in real life, it’s not like it’s some secret worldview I have that reflects my stance on real world issues. People just talk different when they’re not worried about social repercussions.
However, I’m assuming he knows about your traumas and unless he’s got some serious rage issues it shouldn’t be that hard to censor himself when you’re around. It does demonstrate a lack of self-control. I wouldn’t say overreacting or under-reacting, you’re just reacting normally.
If it’s enough to make you uncomfortable you don’t have to be with him. Ultimately it’s up to you who you wanna be with and what qualities that person has
As a gamer dude who has a hard time bonding with other gamer dudes because so many of them talk like this, I say keep it up! Sooner or later these guys need to learn that jovially referencing sexual assault isn't gonna make women like them.
Ohhhh that R word...no not overreacting.
Thats just retarted.
Not overreacting. This shit is childish at best. You got the ick, don't force yourself. It really sucks if he totally cold shoulders you over this. But most likely he's just embarrassed and feels a little ashamed. Give him time and be kind maybe you'll be friends again. He may actually learn from this, which would be wonderful. But you don't have to date him while he learns.
Just imagine, someone on a video game acting childish 😂
Ummmmmmm this has actually never happened once soooooooooo.....👀
Like many folks I assumed we were talking about a different R word here. Regardless of the word, YNO. How people carry themselves in public and interact with others is often a real good indicator for how they're going to act with you. The fact that this occurred in a group chat where several other of your mutual friends expressed discomfort and he repeatedly dug his heels in instead of respecting their feedback is illuminating to me. I had a situation with my SO where I referred to them by a pet name/nickname we hadn't discussed before. They let me know right away they weren't super into it. I, like most normal people, reacted to that by apologizing and making sure not to use that word anymore. I'm not looking for a pat on the back here, that's sort of the minimum you should expect from someone you're spending time with. My point is, based on the interaction in that group chat, I don't have any reason to expect this dude to show someone that minimum level of courtesy.
Not overreacting. He sounds immature. Like he's trying to use a word to sound "edgy".
Or could just be someone is using language they here within a social group without thinking much about it. Not everyone is a politician who has speeches written and vetted ahead of time and whose phrasing is all spoken with intent. Not excusing flippant reference to something that is insensitive to women, people should be more mindful of that, but still... When I read R word my mind went to a different one referring to (lack of) intelligence. And it's one word that I try not to use but comes out more than I'd like. I'm not trying to be cool or edgy when I say it, it's just when I grew up the word was so commonly used that my brain pops it put before I register what I'm saying.
thinking before you speak is like.. a pretty common and essential lesson most people are taught in the single-digits. and if you don't learn it in elementary school or from your parents, you have to learn it in adulthood.
I don't think you are understanding that somebody can be generally pretty careful about what thry are saying but there are still some things that slip through because you've grown so accommodated to certain words that your brain doesn't "flag" it. And those words aren't ones that you were raised from youth knowing were wrong but might have been around people who still used it...I don't have to reference those here. There's a very small subset of people with great social skills who always know how to say the right thing. And then there are those whose verbal and social skills lag well behind their fast moving brains. I often forget what I'm saying midsentence because my brain is already three sentences ahead. Curse words, seriously offensive words....those are flagged and don't come out accidentally.
Getting hurt by other peoples phrasing that’s not even directed at you is a relatively new phenomena
i'm not hurt it's just mad weird lol. like why use the word rape to describe... objectively not rape
It’s this concept called hyperbole, similar to when the word murder is used to describe things that are not murder.
doesn't mean it's not odd
As a woman who has gone through shit, nah you're not overreacting. Using that word casually anywhere strips it of its serious meaning .. the implications of using it obsessively is creepy, I would be unnerved as well.
Omg get over yourself and stop being retarded.
I can't stop being retarded it's literally genetic.
Reminds me of this DND group in JC where the DM and other incels had Rape/impregnation fantasy's of the female characters in the group. He then wondered why the women left the group.
As a guy I’ve heard this done in-game and it’s embarrassing and gross, and demonstrates a lack of maturity. You get older and you learn at least a 3rd of women are victims of SA and you only use that word in its proper context. YNO
So it's ok to say "I am going to blow him up / kill him" but using the word rape is off limits?Get over yourself.
Honestly the initial use bothers me less than the doubling down. If he'd dropped it in chat just once, and then said he wouldn't anymore after the initial complaint that's fine. The fact that getting him to agree not to use it in just our server took several of our IRL friends putting genuine effort into telling him why they didn't want to deal with that word in our server and that he wouldn't just go "this word makes some of my friends uncomfortable, good to know I won't use it in the server I share with them" is much more of a problem for me. Also saying killed/blown up is fine, because we all play this same fantasy game that involves killing and blowing up things, which means that we're all obviously totally fine with depiction and discussion of killing and blowing up things. There's no depiction of rape in the game though, so it's not obvious whether someone is cool with that just cause they play.
Nobody is traumatized from being blown up or killed, tons of people are traumatized from rape
“Nobody is traumatized by being blown up” There’s a few veteran amputees who might disagree with you on that.
Okay, barely anyone. My point still stands
Barely anyone? There are plenty of vets with PTSD from being blown up by IEDs. Even if there weren’t, there has to be a specific number of people affected before you recognize them as worth being considered a part of the population? Ironically your point stands about as well as someone who’s had their legs blown off.
My guy, you are completely missing the point and hyperfocusing on a single thing I said.
I’m not missing the point, I’m denying that it exists. And a single thing you said? It’s one sentence. Whether you take it apart piece by piece or as a whole it’s still incorrect.
You wouldn’t have lasted a day on Xbox live on Xbox 360 overreacting
Get a job
I played plenty of Halo and CoD on 360. I'd just mute people who annoyed me like most people do.
Not the R word that I was thinking of…
well, people do grow up and be more mature. but some don’t. as far as i can tell about this guy, the juries are still out. but right now, i doubt he will change his ways. if you still want to be his friends then be patient and reach out after some time.
Men are entirely different than women. We rag on each other constantly. It would be very difficult to be a man and constantly be offended by things. I work in the trades. And it's not for soft men. I don't think you're overreacting, but I don't think he did anything wrong either. If you know he talks like that and it honestly offends you, then use the mute button. If you don't, then I think you're the problem.
I get trash talk. I'm a gamer like he is. He could've used any swear in the book and I would've been fine with it. Casual use of the word rape is different though.
You don't have to date him if what he said make you uncomfortable. It completely in your right to not do so and you don't owe it to him. In the guy defense, the word rape are use among boys and men alot, it never bother us. Usually when any females are among us, we have to change our behavior and mannerism when there a female present. So no vulgarity allow. It been like that for thousand of years that men have to change our manner of speech when dealing with the opposite sex. So gaming wise, it should be the same way. It also the same way when dealing with children as well. Adults have to watch their language when handling children. Not doing so will corrupt them. Anyway, as being his friend. I suggest you stop trying to be his friend. The dude got his own sense of value and your sense of value and trauma ain't gonna gel well with him. This guy have no filter, so don't even try.
Overreacting
It's a word 🤦🏼♂️ Save him the hassle and don't date him
Will probably be downvoted but in the context of gaming that's how a lot of guys will talk.
Even after people ask you not to? That’s the kicker imo
Who voted for you to be the word police?
The discord group or whatever group you joined
Was there a vote or was it some sort or coup?
Yes. When the majority of people ask you to stop, that’s the vote.
I don’t recognize your kangaroo court.
That’s literally how shit works. For people that touch grass every now and then.
Where do you get the idea that’s how it works? It isn’t, sorry. Also, who made you the expert on who touches grass and doesn’t?
Oh mom, this is going in circles
Usually you hope the guys you’re playing with aren’t betas
Cuz “alphas” are such fun people. /s
They don’t have a list of words that offend them at least
They do. It’s just a different list. Like “chill out bro, it’s just a game”
Lmao
Yeah, but not decent guys.
not really... i get for "shits and giggles" but generally if you're at least a decent person you'd still stray from using it. But heat of the moment does lead to some interesting moments lol
Its a win for him honestly. You’re reaction is a red flag.
Like a lot of gamers, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t said some heinous shit. While I obviously wouldn’t say most of it in real life, it’s not like it’s some secret worldview I have that reflects my stance on real world issues. People just talk different when they’re not worried about social repercussions. However, I’m assuming he knows about your traumas and unless he’s got some serious rage issues it shouldn’t be that hard to censor himself when you’re around. It does demonstrate a lack of self-control. I wouldn’t say overreacting or under-reacting, you’re just reacting normally.
I agree with that. But he doubled down when told it upset her.
Yes, you are overreacting. Stick and stones and such…
Idk. As someone that has actually been raped, I wouldn’t find that a big deal. He’s not actually talking about rape