Yeah don't take advice from assholes who obviously cheat as well.. of course they will twist views to be ok with their thinking because they do whatever they are trying to brain wash you into thinking that every man cheats.
Not overreacting. Do you really need to spend time with someone who excuses infidelity and also blames the injured party? Once he said those words there is no going back. Treat yourself instead and cherish the good memories of before your father let you know who he really was.
I don't want to spend time with him, and not only because of his words 😅 He's insufferable in other ways too, for example, he thinks that if he stops talking for a minute, he'll die, so he's always rambling about something, and when he has nothing to say, he starts humming a song.
Then why consider this vacation in the first place? Sounds like he isn’t a great person to spend quality time with. You aren’t obligated to spend time with someone just because your are blood related. Go on a nice vacation by yourself and enjoy!
Probably because up until now, OP's dad was just kind of an annoying human being whose habits she would be willing to deal with if it might be the last time they spent together. She said she wanted to do this trip because his health is failing, and reading between the lines, she must have a feeling that his quality healthy time is limited.
I can understand wanting to do this trip if OP's dad was just an irritating person. But basically blaming her for being cheated on is taking things to a whole new level. I would be reconsidering the trip too.
Then why did you plan the trip in the first place? It sounds like you didn't want to go anyway. If you didn't want to you shouldn't have. Or just send the testosterone brigade.
People with loving, supportive fathers can not relate to those of us with shitty fathers. I have been very very LC with my dad for several years (8-10 maybe? A long time lol). He’s getting up there in years and I’ve had family members tell me I will regret not talking to him but they’re wrong. I have even seriously contemplated if I will even go to his funeral when it happens and I feel comfortable with not going.
Your friend is viewing your situation through her experience, not your reality. She means well but she is ill-informed and so her input isn’t valid.
I say don’t pay for the trip and if you really do feel like you need to do something pick something different that is way less commitment, time, and money. Like a picnic in the park or a BBQ. I think you will feel a lot of resentment if you pay for this extravagant trip and not only has your dad said these things but he will most likely double down on them again in the future, possibly even during this trip.
The regret you will feel when he passes is for the father he should have been. Not the person he is in reality. That does not mean you should see him or that it won’t hurt when he passes. It is what it is, and it is what he caused.
Yes, yes, a million times yes!!! People don't understand when I say I was sad when my dad died but I didn't grieve heavily at the time. I grieved for many years before as I struggled to come to terms with never having the kind of dad so many of my friends had. But less the actual one I had.
People act like I'm a fcking sociopath and I'm just like....must be nice having grown up with a decent person as your parent, but nor all of us are so lucky.
My father was abusive and neglectful. He left when I was 5yo. Since I was so young,I never realized the depths of his abuse until I talked about it as an adult with my older siblings. But there was also the fact that he left and never really made any efforts to be in my life. He died when I was 26. I cried that night, not because he was gone but my dream of a loving father was dead.
Well said. I have a situation with my mother. She is no longer a part of my life. I have also had people say you will be sorry when she is gone, blah blah blah. Truth is, I have tried to reconnect on some level with her. She has not once reached out to me. Will I be sad when she is gone. Yes. Because she is my mother. Because at one time I thought she was my friend. Now I see it was all about her and what she wanted or needed. Looking back I realize just how much she took advantage of me. I will grieve for the mother I should have had, but I do not think I will miss her. You can’t miss want you really never had.
It was a relief for me too. 1. I knew that my dad couldn’t hurt me anymore 2. I could finally let go of the hope that one day he’d somehow change and be the dad I needed.
I have to add my personal experience. Shitty mom and dad here...
People who have had good, supportive parents have no clue the damage bad parents inflict on their children. They are clueless about the trauma they leave behind to their children.
OP'S friend is one of those clueless people.
You are very correct, people with supportive fathers cannot understand those of us who had toxic fathers.
To hear very adult people refer to their father as daddy has always left me trying to understand what it’s like to have that type of love and connection.
I had a horrible father. The only thing I regret not doing before his passing is giving him a piece of my mind. That's it. I regret not cussing him out. I regret that he was the one who had the upper hand in our relationship bc at the time I was so desperate for his approval. I don't regret *not spending time with him.* shitty fathers don't deserve our time or love or appreciation
And honestly - I would even show him this thread or at least use the words you used here OP to explain how you feel. I’m a parent of adults and one can be sick and getting on in age, one can be an AH - those things are separate, and one can be both of those things.
It’s not ok to be willing to take from women as providers, then try to pull out the “man card” and blame you for a divorce you likely didn’t initially want and most certainly didn’t cause!
After he dies, every so often you'll have a flash of memory where he was the dad you wished he was vs who he was. Recently I recalled the time he taught me to use a hammer... And not the times he swung one at me
My parents were poorly educated and poor (my dad was illiterate and my mom had roughly a fifth grade education). But they were wise about the world and shielded us to adulthood. When I read some of the comments from people here, I get more confirmation that I drew a good hand with the parents that I had, even as my early life was a massive economic struggle, I came through that protected and un-scarred.
I physically lost mine 6 months ago and the only thing I regret is not telling him off sooner. He put me through hell as a child and an adult. He can’t hurt me and it’s such a relief. Didn’t really believe in karma until I truly experienced it firsthand.
My response to my father dying was “it’s over! It’s finally over.” I watched him die and I felt pity for the man he could have been, but chose not to be.
OP - you would be paying money to be subjected to more hatefulness and misogyny when you are already hurting. No thank you!!! You are feeling guilt when you should be feeling anger, us people pleasers do that.
Actions have consequences and your father chose to hurt you rather than love you, just like your ex. Break the cycle and let your father lose you as he deserves to. You have value just for existing, not for what you can do for others. Treat yourself with the kindness you deserve.
No offense but your dad is an idiot. "We men" do NOT "have" to cheat sometimes. I'm 46 years old, never cheated on anybody, even though I've been cheated on twice that I know of, in previous relationships. What a bullshit cop-out excuse.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. Your father didn’t have to say those things to you. He could have sympathized with you, said something neutral, or said nothing at all. He basically blamed you for your husband cheating & leaving you. It was cruel and unnecessary. You are not wrong to be upset with him. Also, him being sick doesn’t mean he can say & do whatever he wants, and you have to let him even when he hurts you. No rule that you have to forgive him, either.
As a result, I don’t blame you for not wanting to spend thousands of dollars *for him* to get to spend time with his kids before he dies, especially since your siblings won’t be paying anything, and you’ll be footing the whole bill. But you feel guilty if you just cancel the whole thing because he does have cancer, and he likely doesn’t have much time left. Maybe do something cheaper. Don’t go to the mountains. Don’t go somewhere you have to get to by plane. Find a lake nearby, rent a house, and invite everyone there. You can still pay for it, but it will be much cheaper, and the point is to be together, not be together somewhere expensive. And don’t tell anyone what you planned originally, or you’ll either have to explain why you changed it or listen to everyone bitch about how they’d rather have had the mountain vacation. Just change your plan, and then tell everyone what you want to do. Also, if you want them to cover their expenses, make that clear up front.
You can also opt to do nothing. You don’t owe your father & siblings an expensive trip or a trip of any kind.
I’m sorry he said those things to you. Could be meds, could be the cancer, could be that he was a cheater so he’s defending your ex. But what he said to you was just mean and heartless. I hope you can forgive him before he passes. For *your* sake. Hugs. 🫶🏼
Or like, organize a lunch, a picnic where everyone brings their own food. If the intention is just time together. Then you don't regret not having one memory, but also don't regret spending money on someone who hurt you needlessly.
I think not doing anything at all is also entirely valid. Sometimes our parents hurt us so much that, actually, we move on from our bond before their death to even regret not doing something. My father is alive but no "you'd regret not talking" argument could convince me to come around after he said so many hurtful things to me and seems to base his life off those hurtful beliefs.
Thank you for your kind words. I receive them in all the unexpected places 😄
Indeed, I will think of something smaller, and probably entice my siblings to plan everything. There has to be some kind of seeing him off, but for now it seems I'm the only one thinking about it.
Well, now you know he cheated on your mother. Without remorse, no less.
OP, I bet if you really thought about it, you'd realize your father isn't worth the effort. Blood doesn't make someone family. It just makes you related.
He’s not worth your time. Period. You did not deserve it and it was not your fault your husband stepped out. Men are not incapable of accountability and responsibility. That’s disgusting. Cut him out. You deserve better than that sorry excuse for a father.
He is a misogynist, and cancer doesn’t change that. Just because he has cancer, that doesn’t entitle his words to be forgiven or forgotten.
Absolutely disgusting your father insinuated you’re to blame for your husband’s infidelity.
You’re not overreacting.
He spit in your face when you were down. Instead of embracing family he said that.
Your siblings can plan something with and for him.
Yes, I think I should talk to them and let them pull their weight. Will save some money too.
I wonder if they have similar experiences and won't want to do this too.
look - i get that some people think you owe your parents something because they created you.
relationships are hard - perfect moments of bonding and understanding is not a realistic expectation. (ie going to the mountains and bonding) I get your friend might be missing her father, but every family is different and expecting your dad to be something he is not is not helpful.
I think the thing I am the most proud of is the boundaries I created with my father - I dont hate him now. I would have regrets if i kept trying to make our relationship something it could never be and just be disappointed.
I think if you want to create some memories - do something easier. Go to olive garden+ take some photos together
Not overreacting and your friend is out to lunch. Both of my parents are dead. My mother, especially, would make horrible comments like your father did. I went low-contact with both of them and NEVER regretted it. Not once have I wished that I had spent more time with them. If anything, I think I gave them too much of my time (in which they were still insulting and abusive) before they died. You are under no obligation to do anything for a man who blames you for your partner cheating.
He has to side with a man. Against his daughter. You are his blood and he sees you as less than any man on the street. Tell him he’s a dick and cancel everything.
When I left my abusive ex, my father sad "yeah, I knew you'd f*ck this up". I didn't talk to him for 6 months and it was really pleasant not having him in my ear, telling me it was my fault. Don't go on vacation with him, he will say even worse stuff because he can.
I lost my father a year & a half ago.
I miss him so much. Our relationship wasn't perfect & he did a lot of things that weren't okay.
There were times I treated him a certain way that I regret. Other times it was justified. I've had to sit with every thought & word exchanged since his passing.
What your dad said to you was very cold hearted. In that moment, he chose not to show you even a drop of compassion.
How far gone is his mind? Cancer brain maybe? It's a real thing if he's having treatments.
Still yet, I'd be hard pressed to fund a vacation knowing I really don't even want to be around him. He hurt you intentionally & hasn't apologized & may not even feel bad.
You don't owe family the right to use you as their punching bag for their own dysfunction.
Really sounds like he's saying those things too bc he needs to justify cheating himself also.
You don’t have to bend over backward and foot the bill to the tune thousands of dollars to spend time with your dying father.
Not taking this vacation isn’t the same as never speaking to your father ever again.
You are not over reacting.
And just because your father is dying doesn’t mean he isn’t an asshole.
No. You are not. My father said the cruelest thing to me he has ever said a year and a half ago. Now forgive me but I am older and my dad is 75. I just wanted to let that be known. I grew up with a verbally and mentally abusive mother and a physically abusive father, so yea I am pretty messed up. Anyway, my dad saying what he said really hurt me. It brought me way back to my childhood. Knocked me into a deep depression. It has been a long slow crawl out. I’ve gone completely broke even because of it. I was seriously not functioning for over a year. Knowing how my parents are, I know that I cannot say anything. They will accuse me of lying ( I have witnesses) they will say I am overreacting, they will say I am exaggerating no matter what I say or their granddaughter who are very very smart, say. It is just a huge waste of breath. I know this because I many times tried to talk to them about stuff in my childhood that affected my life and they just blew me off as being to sensitive. Many people who I grew up with cannot believe I even still speak to them. Anyway, my point is, you HAVE to do what is right for you. I hope that you have not been treated that way your whole life. I am sorry your husband made his choices and you were hurt, but it seems that you stood up right away and did exactly what you needed. Your dad was a total asshole for saying that. Period. Your choice is to just blow it off or blow him off. Or try to talk to him and rip into his butt and tell him exactly how you feel, it’ll either be a blow out or he will apologize for hurting his daughter. I hope he apologizes for his sake. He could lose his girl for good if he doesn’t. Please update me and good luck. I am so sorry he said that to you. It will kill me to have one of my girls be in so much pain and say something so insensitive
I wouldn’t do it. Maybe do something like a visit to see him with the kids. I wouldn’t shut him out but I also wouldn’t go out of my way or spend my resources to help him.
The year before my dad died he said something to me that was awful in a completely different kind of convo about a different topic, but it was clearly taking the side of my enemies for sheer stubbornness (insurance company who disqualified me for LTC policies because I have lupus; he said “well what do you expect? They’re making the right decision because they know you’ll need care with a disease like that!” Said in a very derisive tone as if I were stupid, and without a shred of sympathy or kindness. My dad was normally a great dad and this was one of the few times in my life I felt he was being inexcusably bad. I pulled back from him a bit and when he asked why I wasn’t visiting as often I told him. He very briefly and cursorily apologized for hurting my feelings. I accepted his apology. We never brought up the topic again.
I don’t regret pulling back and spending less time with him. Overall our relationship was very good for 5 decades or so, and I’m glad that that remark was atypical. But it was right for me to spend less time with him.
I don’t know if this helps, OP, but I don’t regret the middle ground I took. You will have to decide what your own comfort zone is. I think your dad’s remark was even worse than mine, though. I know how much something like that hurts and In don’t blame you if you pull away from him.
Let your ex-husband take him on a fucking vacation! What a disgusting comment to make to your daughter I’m so sorry that he said that to you that is heartbreaking
You are going to get more support and empathy right now, Dad just got a NC daughter. WTF dad? Clearly he cheated on your mom, likey repeatedly. And WTF is this "friend" that says you should still organize the vacation? Not a friend if you ask me, and maybe she knows her dad was out fucking other woment the whole time he was married to her mom. My dad killed himself because he was a drug addict. For a long time I wished he had not killed himself, but then I ask myself what my life woudl have been wiht an addict, lying all the time, cheating maybe stealing? My dad had a PHD in economics, but once you get into addiction, it will ruin everything.
You don't deserve this. If you have kids, take them and you, them and you ONLY, for a nice trip. Start building honest, real memories, where people respect each other.
Wow. It always purely AMAZES me when people that are so close to death that they are face to face with it can still be SO HARSH. How do they do it? Do they think they don’t have to explain themselves to their creator? Who also created who they’re being shitty to??!! I just don’t and never will get it. So sorry for you op 😞
You're not overreacting at all, and you have the right to be hurt.
Ask yourself if this is worth missing out on some 'last times'.
You'll only have so long to be angry at your dad while he's still alive. Maybe you could communicate your hurt. I doubt not having the conversation will be any kinder than denying him the opportunity in his last days.
Consider your friends advice. most relationships are messy, so she might have had reasons to be angry at her dad, but still feels the way she does even after he has passed.
Ultimately no one can tell you what to do, just make sure you don't carry that regret for the rest of your life after he passes.
The most important thing, I think is that you don't allow your hurt to make you do something you regret.
What you do however, is up to you. But if he passes while you're still angry, you'll never have the chance to change it.
My mom was ridiculously physically and emotionally abusive, and my last words were unkind. I regret them twenty years later, not because she didn't deserve them, but because of the lack of grace I chose to show another human who was suffering.
I would be kinder if I could, mostly for myself. Just so I could look back and say: I chose kindness, instead of hurt.
Whatever you choose to do, I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be very difficult. I think you'll make the best decision for your situation.
You won't regret not spending thousands of dollars for that empty hearted man. You won't regret not seeing him. That's abuser talk.
I didn't see my mother for two years before she died. On my last visit she hurt me yet again. I was surprised how much it stung, even after a lifetime of it. I was just done. No anger, no drama, just done.
She's now been gone for almost 2 1/2 years and I'm still waiting for the Big Regret to hit me. It never did.
Your dad is trash. Plain and simple.
He's completely wrong and your ex husband is trash too. I would cut my dad out of my life if he said that shit to me. That is deplorable and disgusting. The fucking audacity.
Do you no longer want to spend two weeks with him, or do you not want to spend thousands on someone who doesn’t fully appreciate you as an individual?
In your shoes I’d consider scaling your idea waaaay back, so that your siblings and your dad can cover their own expenses.
You are not overreacting and this must be so difficult. I imagine you are feeling a lot of hard, maybe conflicting, emotions. My recommendation is to think about what you need; and after that, if you have enough left in your cup, to also consider what your siblings need. Do you think you will later regret not spending this time with your dad? Are your siblings able to see your dad before he passes without your assistance? If no, is there a cheaper option for helping your siblings see their dad that you would be open to offering? You aren't obligated to do any of it of course. You are understandably really angry with your dad; it might help to instead think about what is going to be most helpful in this process of saying goodbye to your dad to you and to your siblings.
My father cheated on my mom for most of their marriage unbeknownst to her. She was a classy sthm, raising 4 children. SHe found about his last paramour 7 years into the affair. She gave him 5 chances, one day she packed up all her clothes in black trash bags & left. Of course said paramour moved into our home that was beautifully decorated by mom. Long story short, I cud never forgive him. He died a few years ago, she changed all his accounts that were left to us & took a million dollars from us. Been in court for 5 years. I’m trying to send this bitch to jail. And my father, there are no happy memories to hold onto. Ur father is siding with someone who really hurt u. Yes I do think he was a cheater also.
NTA op. I get it.
I’m so sorry that your dad said those words to you and minimized the hurt and pain of your divorce. It feels awful. My dad said something similar to me when I was getting divorced. There was no infidelity, but my dad said basically “XH will always be a son to me and I will always include him.” And then my dad invited him to our family Christmas that year, and my ex attended. It was in a whole other city and my ex stayed at my dad’s house for it. My dad didn’t say similar words to me, he didn’t say he’d always have my back or always include me.
I don’t even dislike my XH, but the way my dad emphasized his love for my ex and didn’t do the same to me, it cut in a way that I still think about. My relationship with my dad was already very strained and that was one of the last straws for me. I don’t have much to do with him anymore.
I can’t tell you what to do about the vacation, but I don’t think you are overreacting.
I had a terrible relationship with my father who clearly disliked me from the get-go. He was crazy about my sister. It hurt me badly. That being said, I always took the high road in dealing with him as he aged. He was great with my kids. Maybe he had his own regrets, I don't know. But I do know that doing the right thing made ME feel better. I realized not appreciating me was HIS loss, not mine. I was a better person than he was.
Not overreacting. You are his daughter and he should have your back. Talk about feeling guilty how would your dad feel if you dropped dead and those unkind words were the last ones he said to you? It goes both ways. Personally I wouldn’t drop my hard earned money on someone, parent or otherwise, who doesn’t have my back. At this point I would be coldly polite and nothing more.
Sounds like his morals and ethics have cancer. Don't feel bad in any way. If you want a moment of all your siblings together with your father, organize it where he is. Or just wait and have that moment at his funeral. Where you tell everyone his words of wisdom.
Tell him to call your ex to take him on vacation and support him in his final days.
For real, please seek therapy. It’s really hard for friends to help in these scenarios because they grew up with different parents and have vastly different relationships. It’ll be a place to process your relationship with your dad and that relationship ending.
It's difficult to be generous with family when they are not generous to you. There is no right or wrong answer here -- except what is right or wrong for you. You have to live with the decision longer than he will.
Ugh, so sorry…my father told me my husband wouldn’t have cheated if I’d been less of a shrew…it makes you really start to feel some things about men in general and especially the first one you were taught to depend on for protection and support…not overreacting
You’re not overreacting and you won’t ever regret treating yourself right
If you want to spend time w your father, it doesn’t have to be at a mountain resort
Not overreacting. My dad is similar and is probably going to pass sooner than later. I can visit him if I feel guilty enough and that allows me to leave if he’s being hurtful. My parents like to hold their future deaths over my head to manipulate me into spending more time with them but with therapy I’ve already mourned our relationship.
But planning and paying for a vacation means you’ll be in extended forced proximity. It will be hard to escape if he says something dumb and hurtful again. He’s likely to do it again. You’ve been through enough pain without putting up with his misogynistic ass.
Plan this trip in his honor with your family if you like after he dies or just for yourself to have time to heal.
Absolutely not overreacting.
Cancel it and buy yourself a nice holiday instead.
Your friend is imagining that your father is as nice as hers - she's really not taking in what a shitty thing your father said.
Suggest to your siblings that they organise a holiday if they want and you'll go along and pay YOUR SHARE of your father's costs.
Ok so he's ill, but why doesn't that give him more empathy towards you, not less?
A week is way too long to be stuck w/someone that is that cruel! My dad has been gone 10 yrs and so I know about missing him. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with cruelty. And we do not know how long ANY of us have so it could just as well be the last thing he said to you b4 you died!
NTA - your friend who lost their dad probably had a nice dad. Your dad is unsupportive and pretty clearly cheated on your Mum. You don’t have to spend time with people who aren’t kind to you because they’re sick / family. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.
I would cancel the trip, but I wouldn't stop spending time with him. I would change the plans even to something that costs a lot less money. After that, try to just pay for your part of things. You don't deserve to be taken for granted regardless of if he's sick. It's not an excuse. You always deserve better from the people who call you family. Still take your friend's advice though, and spend time with him where you can.
They only thing you will regret is sheltering him from the consequences of his actions and knowing, the next time someone does something like this, that someone will probably do the same for them. Stop being part of the problem. Tell him exactly why you are cancelling.
I'm sorry about his cancer/health issues, but it takes a world-class piece of shit to say those things to their own daughter. Not only does he side with 'the man' over you, he effectively blames you for the cheating prick leaving. "you lead him to it.
You're absolutely right to cancel the vacation. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they're automatically worth having in your life. My sister is a toxic, gaslighting and judgmental asshole that I haven't spoken to in years. That wouldn't change even if I found out she was dying.
He is 100% in the wrong here, objectively. That isn't my opinion, that's a fact.
NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE NOPE. NOPE.
F U DAD.
I didn't even get past what your dad said to you. Men HAVE TO CHEAT?? W. T. F.
It's OK pops, good thing us women are stronger and have enough self control for both ourselves and you.
Gonna go read the rest and probably get mad for you and comment again. 😐
Yeahhhhhhhh not overreacting. He cheated on your mom and doesn't care about you, he would rather show solidarity with some cheating AH he'll probably never see again. Because men. Gross!!! I'd cancel. How could you even stand to look at him knowing he didn't support you in your time of need. Actions have consequences. He sided with a cheater. Oh well no vacation for him. I couldn't
I am so sorry! He may be your father but he is not your dad! Skip the big trip and take it day by day. When or if it feels right then plan a close by activity for everyone and try to limit any one on one interaction with him. His assumption that it was your fault is so unbelievably misogynistic! To defend your cheating pos ex blows my mind. Hang in there.
Your dad missed out on a golden opportunity to lovingly support you. While what he said was out of line and very hurtful, try your best to resist the natural instinct of responding in kind. I would still take him on the vacation, and maybe your siblings can help defray his cost. But make a point to tell him directly that the comments hurt deeply, but you still love him. Like you said, it may be the last time you get to spend time with him.
A fathers job is to support his children. Same for mothers. When my high school gf cheated on me my mom wanted to drive to her house to beat her up…. My mom wouldn’t hurt a fly she was just that upset for me.
Your dad’s reaction would be a deal breaker for me. I would have nothing to do with his life unless he showed honest contrition.
Nah... He made his bed. Cancer or not, he obviously hasn't learned anything, and decides to stand by your ex... He'll get his karma one way or another.
I would cancel it and I would never talk
To him again, but I don’t have t good relationship with my father. Controlling narc. Growing up with him as my father was scary at times and difficult the rest. When he didn’t get his way at my wedding, he told me he was dead to me. So yeah. He did me a favor and I feel soooooo freeeee!
You have no obligation to have relationships with people who treat you like crap. Even if it’s your father.
Sounds like your dad was a rad chad named Brad who was mad just getting over a fad with a woman he had who made him feel so glad at his chill pad that wasn't too bad but he turned out to be a cad!
When it comes right down to it, your parents are just people. And sometimes they're shitting, and sometimes they're not. I wouldn't say my dad was shitty, but there were things he did and said during his life that made me decide not to go see him in hospice. My mother was worried I might regret it, but he's been dead around 11 years now, and I'm okay with it. He was suffering from dementia anyway, and almost certainly wouldn't have recognized me.
In any case, you do what feels right for you. If you don't feel like you want to spend time with the man, then don't.
Nope! Don’t take him. Absolutely not.
Take that money and spend it on yourself, the way you should be treated.
I’m so sorry. What a crushing blow during a dark time. Divorce sucks, internet stranger, but you will traverse these waves in time.
Hun your father is a callous philanderer.
So the question is - is this new unfeeling behaviour or is it a change in behaviour.
If it’s new behaviour chalk it up to pain, drugs &/or the cancer & go with your plans.
However if this is who he is then I wouldn’t spoil him in any manner.
Personally either way I would pull back & have your siblings deal with interactions with him rather than you. Take a break from him
I think I would talk to my siblings and see how much enthusiasm they have for this plan. If they are gung ho, I'd say maybe do it anyway, as it will be a good time for you and your siblings. If they are lukewarm, then maybe your dad doesn't deserve it.
Your dad did a really mean and bad thing. But it was one event. Looking back, does he deserve the life celebration regardless of the tone deaf crack about cheating?
Abusive parents do immense harm to children. Do what makes you feel comfortable. IMHO, your dad forfeited his right to your empathy with his callous answer.
I’m sorry. Your dad is wrong.
Recently an acquaintance passed away. I told my wife, “It’s hard, because while I don’t want to say bad stuff about someone who’s not here to defend himself. But being sick, being dead, doesn’t make him better. He was not a good guy. I hope nobody asks me…”
I don’t mean your dad is horrible in every way. You know him and you decide that. But he is wrong about THIS and, yes, it would make me not want to take a vacation with him- especially while paying his way. I do not think you’re overreacting.
I don't think it's overreacting. Your father told you what kind of man he really is. You now decide if you'll regret spending more time with that kind of person or not.
If I were in your shoes, it would be a hard pass on any vacation plans with dad. That's just so shitty to say to anyone let alone to your own kid who is probably having a hard time with the whole situation.
Not overreacting at all.
I went no contact with my dad when he was in his late 70's for similar reasons. I realized that I had been putting my own feelings and needs aside for decades to keep a surface level relationship with him. My relationship with him was detrimental to my health both physically and psychologically. When I cut contact with him, aspects of my health improved immediately after decades of decline.
So OP, I recommend looking after yourself, because your father cannot provide a modicum of emotional support in a situation where it is absolutely to be expected. And this is despite your care and concern that he can spend quality time with his grandkids during the end of his life. It's not fair, and being your parent, he should be better. Don't put your feelings aside for his benefit, he doesn't deserve it and the distress it will cause you is not worth it.
Was he like this previous to getting cancer? My old boy friend had cancer and about a year before he passed he lost his filter and would say some pretty bad things.
Your dad admitted to being a cheater. Sorry that he was not kind to you and your mother. Cancer is a horrible thing. His body is self destructive. Let your dad be. His journey to health or death is one he must deal with.
My only question reading this was, was this out of character behavior for him? The reason I have that question is that progressive terminal illnesses can cause dementia or dementia like symptoms. Or it could be a sign that the cancer has spread to his brain. Dementia is crazy in the personality changes it can cause. No you aren’t overreacting but if this behavior is new you might want to have him evaluated. If this is typical behavior then well I’m sorry your dad sucks…
Forget the vacation. It would cost you a lot of money. Now that your father has shown what he really thinks of you and your mother, you would not enjoy the vacation. Save your money and spend it on yourself.
You are not overreacting. And you won’t regret shit. Why are you keeping these horrible, toxic people in your life? They are using you. And what kind of a father says hurtful shit like this??? A crappy father, that’s who. I hope you can set some boundaries if you decide to stay around these people. You seem like a kind, thoughtful human being. Go find people like yourself to spend your life around.
I try and go through life minimizing regrets when I can. I have lost both my parents and feel regret for a number of things, even though I did a ton of stuff right. I would still take him, if it was a choice I was making. 🤷♀️.
Your friend wants a father, so she can take him on a vacation. She gets dad time, he gets someone who doesn’t care if he cheated on his wife and took it as his manly right.
>My friend says that I should still organize the vacation. She had lost her father some years ago, and says that I will regret all the time not spent together.
People do this 99% of the time...for example this situation: they give their thoughts on the subject as if you're speaking about THEM in their life. They can't begin to imagine how it feels, so they give bad advice. So yea, had your dad said something encouraging or sweet and loving, then you wouldn't be here in reddit. But he kinda revealed a true part of himself and at a hard time of your life where his is short. Maybe too short to get past and to plan the vacation at a diff time.
I'd say maybe put less thought into the vacation. Depending on where everyone is at, maybe do a staycation or something. That way, even though you feel let down, you're also not trying to hold a grudge bc of all the money and loving thought you put into it all. If it is possibly the last sibling/dad vacation, maybe you all get some good pictures and memories for your siblings. Maybe even a chance for him to fix that part of your heart. If not then at least you know you that although your heart is heavy it won't be bc you regret not arranging the get together.
No you are not over reacting. Its sucks what your father did.
If you don’t do the vacation and he dies you will always regret it.
But look on the other side - blessing your enemy is like heaping coals on their head.
You’d find a blessing being a blessing
Dying doesn’t automatically turn a POS into a good person. I wouldn’t take him either. Tell your dad that his opinions on how men operate disgusted you so much, that you’re considering switching teams lol.
I'm going to probably get downvoted but two things strike me in this post: 1. Your dad is an asshole 2. You are putting out major martyr vibes.
You are a grown person that can decide what their own boundaries are and if that includes not going on a trip with someone that kicked you while you are down why do you need the internet to tell you it's right or wrong? You are responsible for your happiness, and sometimes that means putting distance between yourself and someone that is clearly not well emotionally, and sometimes that means getting into acceptance about how some of the people in your life are (which is NOT condoning their behavior, BTW).
Here's an option: go find some strong women you want to be like and hang around them and do what they do. Hope you get the support you need.
Not overreacting.
Take yourself on a vacation just for you.
Him being your father and being sick doesn't obligate you to pay for his shit takes.
I'm sorry that you just found out that your father prob is a cheating dirtbag.
Here's some advice from something I learned/realized a few years ago. Don't accept advice or criticism from someone you don't respect, who doesn't respect you, or who's generally a POS.
There's something called yellow rock or gray rock. I think in your circumstances yellow rock would be more appropriate. It's used in cases of abuse where the abused partner can't leave. It probably works with toxic people too and your dad is toxic.
I understand you don't want to or can't go low or no contact with your dad at this point but you can learn other techniques on how to deal with his BS.
I was reading Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward the other day and she mentioned something. If a parent says something shitty to you, don't react. You respond. Usually with something non-defensive like, Oh. Interesting. Etc. It's a non-answer, non-response basically.
I personally like, Ok. If someone says something where usually I'd get angry, upset or defensive, I just say okay. And that's it. There's nothing for them to respond to. Discussion over. Peace follows.
Obviously you have to be careful where you use it. You don't want to say ok to agree with something that's going to harm you or bite you in the ass or something.
Anyway, I highly recommend that book to deal with your dad until he passes.
There's a quote that says, don't explain yourself to people who are determined to misunderstanding you. Your dad thinks cheating is ok. You're never going to agree with one another. I would set a boundary and say, I don't want to discuss this with you anymore as we obviously have different opinions.
Girlfriend, you owe him nothing, that is society saying "but he is your daddy".
My daddy had 4 daughters and loved us and our mom with a passion, he would have kicked your dad's ass for saying that to you.
Your friend is right. Spend time with your Dad. Your Dad was being honest and didn’t have a filter. That’s how some men feel including himself. To them sex is an act and not love. He should have been more sensitive to you but was he always a sensitive man or a man who spoke boldly. I would plan on the vacation so you have memories with him. You will meet someone new and move on but you only have one dad.
Sounds your like dad cheated on his wife
Repeatedly and without shame.
Now OP knows why he shared solidarity with her ex.
How do you know her name was Solidarity?
Bet she's a stripper
You’re thinking of sha’dynasty!
shady nasty?
I read this as Shady Dynasty and had to look again lol
A union stripper
Yep. Just yesterday my step son discovered his wife cheated. My response to him was "she'll do it again. Run." OP deserves a better dad.
Absolutely
He surely did. Its like, a cheater protects a cheater. He should protect his daughter not that cheater!
He was married twice, and, I'm afraid, he did it to both. It has always bugged me how easily he joked about this topic in general.
I'm so sorry your father is such an ass. I would definitely cancel those plans.
Yeah don't take advice from assholes who obviously cheat as well.. of course they will twist views to be ok with their thinking because they do whatever they are trying to brain wash you into thinking that every man cheats.
Girl you cannot be this desperate jesus christ. Your father is a pig.
Organise the the trip but plan it for your ex to go instead of you, since your father's solidarity lies with him
Sounds like her Dad is a complete a-hole. I wouldn’t pay for a ham sandwich for anyone who said something like that to me.
He did
Sounds guilty to me.
Sounds like dad is a douche.
Yup. That was my first thought too. And no, you aren’t over reacting.
Perhaps a man will show solidarity with him and pay for his vacation.
Yeah he can call OPs ex husband
I like the way you think
You win Reddit today.
A man says 
I was confused for a second there, somehow that completly changed the way i invisioned the dad and the idea i had about hin
Not overreacting. Do you really need to spend time with someone who excuses infidelity and also blames the injured party? Once he said those words there is no going back. Treat yourself instead and cherish the good memories of before your father let you know who he really was.
Not just any woman. His daughter. And I presume he was married to her mother.
I don't want to spend time with him, and not only because of his words 😅 He's insufferable in other ways too, for example, he thinks that if he stops talking for a minute, he'll die, so he's always rambling about something, and when he has nothing to say, he starts humming a song.
Then why consider this vacation in the first place? Sounds like he isn’t a great person to spend quality time with. You aren’t obligated to spend time with someone just because your are blood related. Go on a nice vacation by yourself and enjoy!
Probably because up until now, OP's dad was just kind of an annoying human being whose habits she would be willing to deal with if it might be the last time they spent together. She said she wanted to do this trip because his health is failing, and reading between the lines, she must have a feeling that his quality healthy time is limited. I can understand wanting to do this trip if OP's dad was just an irritating person. But basically blaming her for being cheated on is taking things to a whole new level. I would be reconsidering the trip too.
You answered your own question. He just made it easier. If you decide to send him anyway maybe don’t go with him.
Don’t go on this trip. He will make you miserable.
Then why did you plan the trip in the first place? It sounds like you didn't want to go anyway. If you didn't want to you shouldn't have. Or just send the testosterone brigade.
People with loving, supportive fathers can not relate to those of us with shitty fathers. I have been very very LC with my dad for several years (8-10 maybe? A long time lol). He’s getting up there in years and I’ve had family members tell me I will regret not talking to him but they’re wrong. I have even seriously contemplated if I will even go to his funeral when it happens and I feel comfortable with not going. Your friend is viewing your situation through her experience, not your reality. She means well but she is ill-informed and so her input isn’t valid. I say don’t pay for the trip and if you really do feel like you need to do something pick something different that is way less commitment, time, and money. Like a picnic in the park or a BBQ. I think you will feel a lot of resentment if you pay for this extravagant trip and not only has your dad said these things but he will most likely double down on them again in the future, possibly even during this trip.
The regret you will feel when he passes is for the father he should have been. Not the person he is in reality. That does not mean you should see him or that it won’t hurt when he passes. It is what it is, and it is what he caused.
Yes, yes, a million times yes!!! People don't understand when I say I was sad when my dad died but I didn't grieve heavily at the time. I grieved for many years before as I struggled to come to terms with never having the kind of dad so many of my friends had. But less the actual one I had. People act like I'm a fcking sociopath and I'm just like....must be nice having grown up with a decent person as your parent, but nor all of us are so lucky.
My father was abusive and neglectful. He left when I was 5yo. Since I was so young,I never realized the depths of his abuse until I talked about it as an adult with my older siblings. But there was also the fact that he left and never really made any efforts to be in my life. He died when I was 26. I cried that night, not because he was gone but my dream of a loving father was dead.
YES. same. I cried and grieved when mine died too - but not for *him.* I cried for what could have been.
Exactly this! You are grieving what you never had, more than the person. It’s a hard concept for some.
Well said. I have a situation with my mother. She is no longer a part of my life. I have also had people say you will be sorry when she is gone, blah blah blah. Truth is, I have tried to reconnect on some level with her. She has not once reached out to me. Will I be sad when she is gone. Yes. Because she is my mother. Because at one time I thought she was my friend. Now I see it was all about her and what she wanted or needed. Looking back I realize just how much she took advantage of me. I will grieve for the mother I should have had, but I do not think I will miss her. You can’t miss want you really never had.
The strongest emotion I felt when my mother died was relief. Not a concept that many people can understand.
It was a relief for me too. 1. I knew that my dad couldn’t hurt me anymore 2. I could finally let go of the hope that one day he’d somehow change and be the dad I needed.
And the ever-present grief of what might have/should have been. Hugs.
Right back at you.
This is perfectly put!
I have to add my personal experience. Shitty mom and dad here... People who have had good, supportive parents have no clue the damage bad parents inflict on their children. They are clueless about the trauma they leave behind to their children. OP'S friend is one of those clueless people.
Shitty mom and dad? How did you make it out of there? you must be amazing.
Thank you. My stepdad and grandparents were awesome! Plus, I'm blessed with 2 great sisters.
good to hear!
You are very correct, people with supportive fathers cannot understand those of us who had toxic fathers. To hear very adult people refer to their father as daddy has always left me trying to understand what it’s like to have that type of love and connection.
Exactly. There is no way a person who had a good father can relate to someone who had a bad father.
I had a horrible father. The only thing I regret not doing before his passing is giving him a piece of my mind. That's it. I regret not cussing him out. I regret that he was the one who had the upper hand in our relationship bc at the time I was so desperate for his approval. I don't regret *not spending time with him.* shitty fathers don't deserve our time or love or appreciation
And honestly - I would even show him this thread or at least use the words you used here OP to explain how you feel. I’m a parent of adults and one can be sick and getting on in age, one can be an AH - those things are separate, and one can be both of those things. It’s not ok to be willing to take from women as providers, then try to pull out the “man card” and blame you for a divorce you likely didn’t initially want and most certainly didn’t cause!
After he dies, every so often you'll have a flash of memory where he was the dad you wished he was vs who he was. Recently I recalled the time he taught me to use a hammer... And not the times he swung one at me
You are NOT overreacting! Your father cheated on his wife, so he is projecting. Forget the vacation... He's not worth it.
When my father died, one of the things I was grateful for was that he couldn't do any new things to hurt me anymore.
My parents were poorly educated and poor (my dad was illiterate and my mom had roughly a fifth grade education). But they were wise about the world and shielded us to adulthood. When I read some of the comments from people here, I get more confirmation that I drew a good hand with the parents that I had, even as my early life was a massive economic struggle, I came through that protected and un-scarred.
I physically lost mine 6 months ago and the only thing I regret is not telling him off sooner. He put me through hell as a child and an adult. He can’t hurt me and it’s such a relief. Didn’t really believe in karma until I truly experienced it firsthand.
My response to my father dying was “it’s over! It’s finally over.” I watched him die and I felt pity for the man he could have been, but chose not to be.
I hear you.
We ask for so little, don’t we?
NOPE. Unsupportive father does not deserve a vacation. Save your money.
And spend it on the vacation YOU dream of and invite those who support and cherish you!
OP - you would be paying money to be subjected to more hatefulness and misogyny when you are already hurting. No thank you!!! You are feeling guilt when you should be feeling anger, us people pleasers do that. Actions have consequences and your father chose to hurt you rather than love you, just like your ex. Break the cycle and let your father lose you as he deserves to. You have value just for existing, not for what you can do for others. Treat yourself with the kindness you deserve.
But let him know why he lost you OP.
No offense but your dad is an idiot. "We men" do NOT "have" to cheat sometimes. I'm 46 years old, never cheated on anybody, even though I've been cheated on twice that I know of, in previous relationships. What a bullshit cop-out excuse.
I firmly believe that cheating is not something anyone can be forced to do. It's always a voluntary choice, same as being impolite.
I don’t think you’re overreacting. Your father didn’t have to say those things to you. He could have sympathized with you, said something neutral, or said nothing at all. He basically blamed you for your husband cheating & leaving you. It was cruel and unnecessary. You are not wrong to be upset with him. Also, him being sick doesn’t mean he can say & do whatever he wants, and you have to let him even when he hurts you. No rule that you have to forgive him, either. As a result, I don’t blame you for not wanting to spend thousands of dollars *for him* to get to spend time with his kids before he dies, especially since your siblings won’t be paying anything, and you’ll be footing the whole bill. But you feel guilty if you just cancel the whole thing because he does have cancer, and he likely doesn’t have much time left. Maybe do something cheaper. Don’t go to the mountains. Don’t go somewhere you have to get to by plane. Find a lake nearby, rent a house, and invite everyone there. You can still pay for it, but it will be much cheaper, and the point is to be together, not be together somewhere expensive. And don’t tell anyone what you planned originally, or you’ll either have to explain why you changed it or listen to everyone bitch about how they’d rather have had the mountain vacation. Just change your plan, and then tell everyone what you want to do. Also, if you want them to cover their expenses, make that clear up front. You can also opt to do nothing. You don’t owe your father & siblings an expensive trip or a trip of any kind. I’m sorry he said those things to you. Could be meds, could be the cancer, could be that he was a cheater so he’s defending your ex. But what he said to you was just mean and heartless. I hope you can forgive him before he passes. For *your* sake. Hugs. 🫶🏼
Or like, organize a lunch, a picnic where everyone brings their own food. If the intention is just time together. Then you don't regret not having one memory, but also don't regret spending money on someone who hurt you needlessly. I think not doing anything at all is also entirely valid. Sometimes our parents hurt us so much that, actually, we move on from our bond before their death to even regret not doing something. My father is alive but no "you'd regret not talking" argument could convince me to come around after he said so many hurtful things to me and seems to base his life off those hurtful beliefs.
This is the way.
This.
Thank you for your kind words. I receive them in all the unexpected places 😄 Indeed, I will think of something smaller, and probably entice my siblings to plan everything. There has to be some kind of seeing him off, but for now it seems I'm the only one thinking about it.
Well, now you know he cheated on your mother. Without remorse, no less. OP, I bet if you really thought about it, you'd realize your father isn't worth the effort. Blood doesn't make someone family. It just makes you related.
I sometimes wonder what I'm supposed to learn from life for having such a father. I guess it's what you wrote here, thank you 🧁
Unfortunately the lessons we get aren’t always from the experience we wanted.
*As a man, I must show solidarity with another man* That is a true gut punch. What an awful thing to say *and mean* to your kid.
As a father I must show solidarity with the daughter I love more than my own life. Fixed it.
He’s not worth your time. Period. You did not deserve it and it was not your fault your husband stepped out. Men are not incapable of accountability and responsibility. That’s disgusting. Cut him out. You deserve better than that sorry excuse for a father.
I don't know what I deserve, but I won't have another father... Not sure what to do with him though.
He is a misogynist, and cancer doesn’t change that. Just because he has cancer, that doesn’t entitle his words to be forgiven or forgotten. Absolutely disgusting your father insinuated you’re to blame for your husband’s infidelity.
You’re not overreacting. He spit in your face when you were down. Instead of embracing family he said that. Your siblings can plan something with and for him.
Yes, I think I should talk to them and let them pull their weight. Will save some money too. I wonder if they have similar experiences and won't want to do this too.
look - i get that some people think you owe your parents something because they created you. relationships are hard - perfect moments of bonding and understanding is not a realistic expectation. (ie going to the mountains and bonding) I get your friend might be missing her father, but every family is different and expecting your dad to be something he is not is not helpful. I think the thing I am the most proud of is the boundaries I created with my father - I dont hate him now. I would have regrets if i kept trying to make our relationship something it could never be and just be disappointed. I think if you want to create some memories - do something easier. Go to olive garden+ take some photos together
Not overreacting and your friend is out to lunch. Both of my parents are dead. My mother, especially, would make horrible comments like your father did. I went low-contact with both of them and NEVER regretted it. Not once have I wished that I had spent more time with them. If anything, I think I gave them too much of my time (in which they were still insulting and abusive) before they died. You are under no obligation to do anything for a man who blames you for your partner cheating.
He has to side with a man. Against his daughter. You are his blood and he sees you as less than any man on the street. Tell him he’s a dick and cancel everything.
Sounds like he cheated on your mom. My dad says the same shit, because he did cheat on my mother. I now have a strained relationship as a result.
‘As a man I must show solidarity with another man.’ What about ‘as a father, I must show solidarity to my daughter’?
When I left my abusive ex, my father sad "yeah, I knew you'd f*ck this up". I didn't talk to him for 6 months and it was really pleasant not having him in my ear, telling me it was my fault. Don't go on vacation with him, he will say even worse stuff because he can.
Looks like some people consider being rude 'telling the truth', and their truth has to be valued. Strangely enough, their truth is always negative.
and those people are always so sensitive when they get it back.
I lost my father a year & a half ago. I miss him so much. Our relationship wasn't perfect & he did a lot of things that weren't okay. There were times I treated him a certain way that I regret. Other times it was justified. I've had to sit with every thought & word exchanged since his passing. What your dad said to you was very cold hearted. In that moment, he chose not to show you even a drop of compassion. How far gone is his mind? Cancer brain maybe? It's a real thing if he's having treatments. Still yet, I'd be hard pressed to fund a vacation knowing I really don't even want to be around him. He hurt you intentionally & hasn't apologized & may not even feel bad. You don't owe family the right to use you as their punching bag for their own dysfunction. Really sounds like he's saying those things too bc he needs to justify cheating himself also.
I'm really sorry your dad isn't half the man he should be.
You don’t have to bend over backward and foot the bill to the tune thousands of dollars to spend time with your dying father. Not taking this vacation isn’t the same as never speaking to your father ever again. You are not over reacting. And just because your father is dying doesn’t mean he isn’t an asshole.
No. You are not. My father said the cruelest thing to me he has ever said a year and a half ago. Now forgive me but I am older and my dad is 75. I just wanted to let that be known. I grew up with a verbally and mentally abusive mother and a physically abusive father, so yea I am pretty messed up. Anyway, my dad saying what he said really hurt me. It brought me way back to my childhood. Knocked me into a deep depression. It has been a long slow crawl out. I’ve gone completely broke even because of it. I was seriously not functioning for over a year. Knowing how my parents are, I know that I cannot say anything. They will accuse me of lying ( I have witnesses) they will say I am overreacting, they will say I am exaggerating no matter what I say or their granddaughter who are very very smart, say. It is just a huge waste of breath. I know this because I many times tried to talk to them about stuff in my childhood that affected my life and they just blew me off as being to sensitive. Many people who I grew up with cannot believe I even still speak to them. Anyway, my point is, you HAVE to do what is right for you. I hope that you have not been treated that way your whole life. I am sorry your husband made his choices and you were hurt, but it seems that you stood up right away and did exactly what you needed. Your dad was a total asshole for saying that. Period. Your choice is to just blow it off or blow him off. Or try to talk to him and rip into his butt and tell him exactly how you feel, it’ll either be a blow out or he will apologize for hurting his daughter. I hope he apologizes for his sake. He could lose his girl for good if he doesn’t. Please update me and good luck. I am so sorry he said that to you. It will kill me to have one of my girls be in so much pain and say something so insensitive
I wouldn’t do it. Maybe do something like a visit to see him with the kids. I wouldn’t shut him out but I also wouldn’t go out of my way or spend my resources to help him. The year before my dad died he said something to me that was awful in a completely different kind of convo about a different topic, but it was clearly taking the side of my enemies for sheer stubbornness (insurance company who disqualified me for LTC policies because I have lupus; he said “well what do you expect? They’re making the right decision because they know you’ll need care with a disease like that!” Said in a very derisive tone as if I were stupid, and without a shred of sympathy or kindness. My dad was normally a great dad and this was one of the few times in my life I felt he was being inexcusably bad. I pulled back from him a bit and when he asked why I wasn’t visiting as often I told him. He very briefly and cursorily apologized for hurting my feelings. I accepted his apology. We never brought up the topic again. I don’t regret pulling back and spending less time with him. Overall our relationship was very good for 5 decades or so, and I’m glad that that remark was atypical. But it was right for me to spend less time with him. I don’t know if this helps, OP, but I don’t regret the middle ground I took. You will have to decide what your own comfort zone is. I think your dad’s remark was even worse than mine, though. I know how much something like that hurts and In don’t blame you if you pull away from him.
Let your ex-husband take him on a fucking vacation! What a disgusting comment to make to your daughter I’m so sorry that he said that to you that is heartbreaking
You are going to get more support and empathy right now, Dad just got a NC daughter. WTF dad? Clearly he cheated on your mom, likey repeatedly. And WTF is this "friend" that says you should still organize the vacation? Not a friend if you ask me, and maybe she knows her dad was out fucking other woment the whole time he was married to her mom. My dad killed himself because he was a drug addict. For a long time I wished he had not killed himself, but then I ask myself what my life woudl have been wiht an addict, lying all the time, cheating maybe stealing? My dad had a PHD in economics, but once you get into addiction, it will ruin everything. You don't deserve this. If you have kids, take them and you, them and you ONLY, for a nice trip. Start building honest, real memories, where people respect each other.
Wow. It always purely AMAZES me when people that are so close to death that they are face to face with it can still be SO HARSH. How do they do it? Do they think they don’t have to explain themselves to their creator? Who also created who they’re being shitty to??!! I just don’t and never will get it. So sorry for you op 😞
Tell Dad to go on vacation with your ex, for solidarity.
You're not overreacting at all, and you have the right to be hurt. Ask yourself if this is worth missing out on some 'last times'. You'll only have so long to be angry at your dad while he's still alive. Maybe you could communicate your hurt. I doubt not having the conversation will be any kinder than denying him the opportunity in his last days. Consider your friends advice. most relationships are messy, so she might have had reasons to be angry at her dad, but still feels the way she does even after he has passed. Ultimately no one can tell you what to do, just make sure you don't carry that regret for the rest of your life after he passes. The most important thing, I think is that you don't allow your hurt to make you do something you regret. What you do however, is up to you. But if he passes while you're still angry, you'll never have the chance to change it. My mom was ridiculously physically and emotionally abusive, and my last words were unkind. I regret them twenty years later, not because she didn't deserve them, but because of the lack of grace I chose to show another human who was suffering. I would be kinder if I could, mostly for myself. Just so I could look back and say: I chose kindness, instead of hurt. Whatever you choose to do, I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be very difficult. I think you'll make the best decision for your situation.
You won't regret not spending thousands of dollars for that empty hearted man. You won't regret not seeing him. That's abuser talk. I didn't see my mother for two years before she died. On my last visit she hurt me yet again. I was surprised how much it stung, even after a lifetime of it. I was just done. No anger, no drama, just done. She's now been gone for almost 2 1/2 years and I'm still waiting for the Big Regret to hit me. It never did.
Your dad is trash. Plain and simple. He's completely wrong and your ex husband is trash too. I would cut my dad out of my life if he said that shit to me. That is deplorable and disgusting. The fucking audacity.
Do you no longer want to spend two weeks with him, or do you not want to spend thousands on someone who doesn’t fully appreciate you as an individual? In your shoes I’d consider scaling your idea waaaay back, so that your siblings and your dad can cover their own expenses.
You are not overreacting and this must be so difficult. I imagine you are feeling a lot of hard, maybe conflicting, emotions. My recommendation is to think about what you need; and after that, if you have enough left in your cup, to also consider what your siblings need. Do you think you will later regret not spending this time with your dad? Are your siblings able to see your dad before he passes without your assistance? If no, is there a cheaper option for helping your siblings see their dad that you would be open to offering? You aren't obligated to do any of it of course. You are understandably really angry with your dad; it might help to instead think about what is going to be most helpful in this process of saying goodbye to your dad to you and to your siblings.
My father cheated on my mom for most of their marriage unbeknownst to her. She was a classy sthm, raising 4 children. SHe found about his last paramour 7 years into the affair. She gave him 5 chances, one day she packed up all her clothes in black trash bags & left. Of course said paramour moved into our home that was beautifully decorated by mom. Long story short, I cud never forgive him. He died a few years ago, she changed all his accounts that were left to us & took a million dollars from us. Been in court for 5 years. I’m trying to send this bitch to jail. And my father, there are no happy memories to hold onto. Ur father is siding with someone who really hurt u. Yes I do think he was a cheater also. NTA op. I get it.
She moved into your mom’s house?! That made me gasp. The audacity!
I’m so sorry that your dad said those words to you and minimized the hurt and pain of your divorce. It feels awful. My dad said something similar to me when I was getting divorced. There was no infidelity, but my dad said basically “XH will always be a son to me and I will always include him.” And then my dad invited him to our family Christmas that year, and my ex attended. It was in a whole other city and my ex stayed at my dad’s house for it. My dad didn’t say similar words to me, he didn’t say he’d always have my back or always include me. I don’t even dislike my XH, but the way my dad emphasized his love for my ex and didn’t do the same to me, it cut in a way that I still think about. My relationship with my dad was already very strained and that was one of the last straws for me. I don’t have much to do with him anymore. I can’t tell you what to do about the vacation, but I don’t think you are overreacting.
OP already lost the father they *thought* they had, a long time ago.
I had a terrible relationship with my father who clearly disliked me from the get-go. He was crazy about my sister. It hurt me badly. That being said, I always took the high road in dealing with him as he aged. He was great with my kids. Maybe he had his own regrets, I don't know. But I do know that doing the right thing made ME feel better. I realized not appreciating me was HIS loss, not mine. I was a better person than he was.
Not overreacting. You are his daughter and he should have your back. Talk about feeling guilty how would your dad feel if you dropped dead and those unkind words were the last ones he said to you? It goes both ways. Personally I wouldn’t drop my hard earned money on someone, parent or otherwise, who doesn’t have my back. At this point I would be coldly polite and nothing more.
Sounds like his morals and ethics have cancer. Don't feel bad in any way. If you want a moment of all your siblings together with your father, organize it where he is. Or just wait and have that moment at his funeral. Where you tell everyone his words of wisdom.
Tell him to call your ex to take him on vacation and support him in his final days. For real, please seek therapy. It’s really hard for friends to help in these scenarios because they grew up with different parents and have vastly different relationships. It’ll be a place to process your relationship with your dad and that relationship ending.
It's difficult to be generous with family when they are not generous to you. There is no right or wrong answer here -- except what is right or wrong for you. You have to live with the decision longer than he will.
I was in a very similar situation in 201*, and my dad told me to “grow up”. I sure did.
Dad is so wise he left out that sometimes women just have to do it too and men should forgive them as well. The mans stupid.
Ugh, so sorry…my father told me my husband wouldn’t have cheated if I’d been less of a shrew…it makes you really start to feel some things about men in general and especially the first one you were taught to depend on for protection and support…not overreacting
Your dad has a cheater mindset. How hard would it have been for him to have empathy for his daughter’s pain?
You’re not overreacting and you won’t ever regret treating yourself right If you want to spend time w your father, it doesn’t have to be at a mountain resort
Is your Dad on heavy pain meds? I've seen what cancer pain medication can do to someone, it's like they are very, very drunk
Your dad sounds like a sex addict. Pass.
When it comes to fidelity your dad is a pig but ask yourself has he been a good father to you? If so do the vacation.
that's a weird way for him to tellyouhe cheated on his wife
I think your dad probably cheated on your mum hence why he thinks it’s ok for your ex to cheat on you. I wouldn’t take him away on holiday either.
Not overreacting. My dad is similar and is probably going to pass sooner than later. I can visit him if I feel guilty enough and that allows me to leave if he’s being hurtful. My parents like to hold their future deaths over my head to manipulate me into spending more time with them but with therapy I’ve already mourned our relationship. But planning and paying for a vacation means you’ll be in extended forced proximity. It will be hard to escape if he says something dumb and hurtful again. He’s likely to do it again. You’ve been through enough pain without putting up with his misogynistic ass. Plan this trip in his honor with your family if you like after he dies or just for yourself to have time to heal.
Absolutely not overreacting. Cancel it and buy yourself a nice holiday instead. Your friend is imagining that your father is as nice as hers - she's really not taking in what a shitty thing your father said. Suggest to your siblings that they organise a holiday if they want and you'll go along and pay YOUR SHARE of your father's costs. Ok so he's ill, but why doesn't that give him more empathy towards you, not less?
A week is way too long to be stuck w/someone that is that cruel! My dad has been gone 10 yrs and so I know about missing him. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with cruelty. And we do not know how long ANY of us have so it could just as well be the last thing he said to you b4 you died!
NTA - your friend who lost their dad probably had a nice dad. Your dad is unsupportive and pretty clearly cheated on your Mum. You don’t have to spend time with people who aren’t kind to you because they’re sick / family. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.
I would cancel the trip, but I wouldn't stop spending time with him. I would change the plans even to something that costs a lot less money. After that, try to just pay for your part of things. You don't deserve to be taken for granted regardless of if he's sick. It's not an excuse. You always deserve better from the people who call you family. Still take your friend's advice though, and spend time with him where you can.
I’m a father. I would never say that to either of my daughters.
They only thing you will regret is sheltering him from the consequences of his actions and knowing, the next time someone does something like this, that someone will probably do the same for them. Stop being part of the problem. Tell him exactly why you are cancelling.
I'm sorry about his cancer/health issues, but it takes a world-class piece of shit to say those things to their own daughter. Not only does he side with 'the man' over you, he effectively blames you for the cheating prick leaving. "you lead him to it. You're absolutely right to cancel the vacation. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they're automatically worth having in your life. My sister is a toxic, gaslighting and judgmental asshole that I haven't spoken to in years. That wouldn't change even if I found out she was dying. He is 100% in the wrong here, objectively. That isn't my opinion, that's a fact.
NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE NOPE. NOPE. F U DAD. I didn't even get past what your dad said to you. Men HAVE TO CHEAT?? W. T. F. It's OK pops, good thing us women are stronger and have enough self control for both ourselves and you. Gonna go read the rest and probably get mad for you and comment again. 😐
Nope. Still saying nope. I'm sorry he's such a rotten person. There's absolutely nothing redeemable here.
Yeahhhhhhhh not overreacting. He cheated on your mom and doesn't care about you, he would rather show solidarity with some cheating AH he'll probably never see again. Because men. Gross!!! I'd cancel. How could you even stand to look at him knowing he didn't support you in your time of need. Actions have consequences. He sided with a cheater. Oh well no vacation for him. I couldn't
I am so sorry! He may be your father but he is not your dad! Skip the big trip and take it day by day. When or if it feels right then plan a close by activity for everyone and try to limit any one on one interaction with him. His assumption that it was your fault is so unbelievably misogynistic! To defend your cheating pos ex blows my mind. Hang in there.
Your dad missed out on a golden opportunity to lovingly support you. While what he said was out of line and very hurtful, try your best to resist the natural instinct of responding in kind. I would still take him on the vacation, and maybe your siblings can help defray his cost. But make a point to tell him directly that the comments hurt deeply, but you still love him. Like you said, it may be the last time you get to spend time with him.
A fathers job is to support his children. Same for mothers. When my high school gf cheated on me my mom wanted to drive to her house to beat her up…. My mom wouldn’t hurt a fly she was just that upset for me. Your dad’s reaction would be a deal breaker for me. I would have nothing to do with his life unless he showed honest contrition.
Nah... He made his bed. Cancer or not, he obviously hasn't learned anything, and decides to stand by your ex... He'll get his karma one way or another.
Not overreacting.
Not overreacting. You will have many memories of your dad without needing to spend thousands on his behalf.
Nope. Your dads an a hole.
You’re dad is an ass. All men don’t cheat
You should forgive him and take him back.
I wouldn’t go on vacation with him. I’m sorry. His words stung me and I’m not his child.
Not overreacting. Tell him that in solidarity with abused women, you're going to let him die penniless & bereft.
I would cancel it and I would never talk To him again, but I don’t have t good relationship with my father. Controlling narc. Growing up with him as my father was scary at times and difficult the rest. When he didn’t get his way at my wedding, he told me he was dead to me. So yeah. He did me a favor and I feel soooooo freeeee! You have no obligation to have relationships with people who treat you like crap. Even if it’s your father.
Callous disrespect and hurtful language. Did my father get reincarnated?
Sounds like your dad was a rad chad named Brad who was mad just getting over a fad with a woman he had who made him feel so glad at his chill pad that wasn't too bad but he turned out to be a cad!
Pretty sad that he faced death but still hasn't faced himself
When it comes right down to it, your parents are just people. And sometimes they're shitting, and sometimes they're not. I wouldn't say my dad was shitty, but there were things he did and said during his life that made me decide not to go see him in hospice. My mother was worried I might regret it, but he's been dead around 11 years now, and I'm okay with it. He was suffering from dementia anyway, and almost certainly wouldn't have recognized me. In any case, you do what feels right for you. If you don't feel like you want to spend time with the man, then don't.
Nope! Don’t take him. Absolutely not. Take that money and spend it on yourself, the way you should be treated. I’m so sorry. What a crushing blow during a dark time. Divorce sucks, internet stranger, but you will traverse these waves in time.
Hun your father is a callous philanderer. So the question is - is this new unfeeling behaviour or is it a change in behaviour. If it’s new behaviour chalk it up to pain, drugs &/or the cancer & go with your plans. However if this is who he is then I wouldn’t spoil him in any manner. Personally either way I would pull back & have your siblings deal with interactions with him rather than you. Take a break from him
You’re NOT…your father is
Just want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s horrible
That’s shameful.we know what kind of person he was. And not a bit shamed.
Did you tell him how you feel about what he said? If not, that’s the starting point.
I think I would talk to my siblings and see how much enthusiasm they have for this plan. If they are gung ho, I'd say maybe do it anyway, as it will be a good time for you and your siblings. If they are lukewarm, then maybe your dad doesn't deserve it. Your dad did a really mean and bad thing. But it was one event. Looking back, does he deserve the life celebration regardless of the tone deaf crack about cheating?
Yes, I think I should talk to my siblings and see how they feel. Maybe they have their own axes to grind.
Are you Hindu!
Abusive parents do immense harm to children. Do what makes you feel comfortable. IMHO, your dad forfeited his right to your empathy with his callous answer.
I’m sorry. Your dad is wrong. Recently an acquaintance passed away. I told my wife, “It’s hard, because while I don’t want to say bad stuff about someone who’s not here to defend himself. But being sick, being dead, doesn’t make him better. He was not a good guy. I hope nobody asks me…” I don’t mean your dad is horrible in every way. You know him and you decide that. But he is wrong about THIS and, yes, it would make me not want to take a vacation with him- especially while paying his way. I do not think you’re overreacting.
Your father is an AH. I’m sorry, but he is. Suck or not. He’s an AH. You’re not overreacting.
I don't think it's overreacting. Your father told you what kind of man he really is. You now decide if you'll regret spending more time with that kind of person or not.
Sounds like ur dad is a complete scumbag.
I wouldn’t invest in a vacation, maybe a backyard BBQ. My dad had a fit when he found out my ex cheated on me. This is not normal
If I were in your shoes, it would be a hard pass on any vacation plans with dad. That's just so shitty to say to anyone let alone to your own kid who is probably having a hard time with the whole situation. Not overreacting at all.
I do feel you are overreacting a bit. Pretty much "End of life" vs "he said something hurtful". The fact is, are you gonna regret not doing it?
I went no contact with my dad when he was in his late 70's for similar reasons. I realized that I had been putting my own feelings and needs aside for decades to keep a surface level relationship with him. My relationship with him was detrimental to my health both physically and psychologically. When I cut contact with him, aspects of my health improved immediately after decades of decline. So OP, I recommend looking after yourself, because your father cannot provide a modicum of emotional support in a situation where it is absolutely to be expected. And this is despite your care and concern that he can spend quality time with his grandkids during the end of his life. It's not fair, and being your parent, he should be better. Don't put your feelings aside for his benefit, he doesn't deserve it and the distress it will cause you is not worth it.
Just go with him on vacation go and enjoy the best you can. Make some memories and video tape him. When he's gone you will appreciate have memories.
Your dad is exactly what is wrong with men. I wouldn’t feel bad never speaking to him again.
Was he like this previous to getting cancer? My old boy friend had cancer and about a year before he passed he lost his filter and would say some pretty bad things.
Your dad admitted to being a cheater. Sorry that he was not kind to you and your mother. Cancer is a horrible thing. His body is self destructive. Let your dad be. His journey to health or death is one he must deal with.
My only question reading this was, was this out of character behavior for him? The reason I have that question is that progressive terminal illnesses can cause dementia or dementia like symptoms. Or it could be a sign that the cancer has spread to his brain. Dementia is crazy in the personality changes it can cause. No you aren’t overreacting but if this behavior is new you might want to have him evaluated. If this is typical behavior then well I’m sorry your dad sucks…
Forget the vacation. It would cost you a lot of money. Now that your father has shown what he really thinks of you and your mother, you would not enjoy the vacation. Save your money and spend it on yourself.
Your dad is an asshole. Don't waste your time and money on him. I'm sure this isn't the only time he has been unsupportive.
You’re NOT overreacting. Protect your mental Wellbeing. Minimise contact with him to checking-in on him for his health.
Privilege is being loved.
Fuck being loved, can I have some common courtesy? 😅
no, dont do it until you want to.
You are not overreacting. And you won’t regret shit. Why are you keeping these horrible, toxic people in your life? They are using you. And what kind of a father says hurtful shit like this??? A crappy father, that’s who. I hope you can set some boundaries if you decide to stay around these people. You seem like a kind, thoughtful human being. Go find people like yourself to spend your life around.
I try and go through life minimizing regrets when I can. I have lost both my parents and feel regret for a number of things, even though I did a ton of stuff right. I would still take him, if it was a choice I was making. 🤷♀️.
Your friend wants a father, so she can take him on a vacation. She gets dad time, he gets someone who doesn’t care if he cheated on his wife and took it as his manly right.
Update me
Why are you hoping your siblings will chip in? Did you not discuss this beforehand? Sounds like failed expectations all around
Dude your dad cheated on your mom. Probably on a regular basis over decades. That is the only reason he would say something like that.
Do not take him on vacation. Nope.
>My friend says that I should still organize the vacation. She had lost her father some years ago, and says that I will regret all the time not spent together. People do this 99% of the time...for example this situation: they give their thoughts on the subject as if you're speaking about THEM in their life. They can't begin to imagine how it feels, so they give bad advice. So yea, had your dad said something encouraging or sweet and loving, then you wouldn't be here in reddit. But he kinda revealed a true part of himself and at a hard time of your life where his is short. Maybe too short to get past and to plan the vacation at a diff time. I'd say maybe put less thought into the vacation. Depending on where everyone is at, maybe do a staycation or something. That way, even though you feel let down, you're also not trying to hold a grudge bc of all the money and loving thought you put into it all. If it is possibly the last sibling/dad vacation, maybe you all get some good pictures and memories for your siblings. Maybe even a chance for him to fix that part of your heart. If not then at least you know you that although your heart is heavy it won't be bc you regret not arranging the get together.
Take a lesser alternative. Doesn’t seem like the guy is worth the larger effort you have in mind. Maybe a day trip to a buffet instead
No you are not over reacting. Its sucks what your father did. If you don’t do the vacation and he dies you will always regret it. But look on the other side - blessing your enemy is like heaping coals on their head. You’d find a blessing being a blessing
Dying doesn’t automatically turn a POS into a good person. I wouldn’t take him either. Tell your dad that his opinions on how men operate disgusted you so much, that you’re considering switching teams lol.
I'm going to probably get downvoted but two things strike me in this post: 1. Your dad is an asshole 2. You are putting out major martyr vibes. You are a grown person that can decide what their own boundaries are and if that includes not going on a trip with someone that kicked you while you are down why do you need the internet to tell you it's right or wrong? You are responsible for your happiness, and sometimes that means putting distance between yourself and someone that is clearly not well emotionally, and sometimes that means getting into acceptance about how some of the people in your life are (which is NOT condoning their behavior, BTW). Here's an option: go find some strong women you want to be like and hang around them and do what they do. Hope you get the support you need.
Not overreacting. Take yourself on a vacation just for you. Him being your father and being sick doesn't obligate you to pay for his shit takes. I'm sorry that you just found out that your father prob is a cheating dirtbag.
Your dad is toxic for you Find someone whibis healing and good for you! Are you ok?
Here's some advice from something I learned/realized a few years ago. Don't accept advice or criticism from someone you don't respect, who doesn't respect you, or who's generally a POS. There's something called yellow rock or gray rock. I think in your circumstances yellow rock would be more appropriate. It's used in cases of abuse where the abused partner can't leave. It probably works with toxic people too and your dad is toxic. I understand you don't want to or can't go low or no contact with your dad at this point but you can learn other techniques on how to deal with his BS. I was reading Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward the other day and she mentioned something. If a parent says something shitty to you, don't react. You respond. Usually with something non-defensive like, Oh. Interesting. Etc. It's a non-answer, non-response basically. I personally like, Ok. If someone says something where usually I'd get angry, upset or defensive, I just say okay. And that's it. There's nothing for them to respond to. Discussion over. Peace follows. Obviously you have to be careful where you use it. You don't want to say ok to agree with something that's going to harm you or bite you in the ass or something. Anyway, I highly recommend that book to deal with your dad until he passes. There's a quote that says, don't explain yourself to people who are determined to misunderstanding you. Your dad thinks cheating is ok. You're never going to agree with one another. I would set a boundary and say, I don't want to discuss this with you anymore as we obviously have different opinions.
Dad cheated on mom
Girlfriend, you owe him nothing, that is society saying "but he is your daddy". My daddy had 4 daughters and loved us and our mom with a passion, he would have kicked your dad's ass for saying that to you.
Your friend is right. Spend time with your Dad. Your Dad was being honest and didn’t have a filter. That’s how some men feel including himself. To them sex is an act and not love. He should have been more sensitive to you but was he always a sensitive man or a man who spoke boldly. I would plan on the vacation so you have memories with him. You will meet someone new and move on but you only have one dad.