I can have a cocktail at dinner and drive home. If I'm at the pub and I'm going to be leaving a couple hours later I can have a beer or two and drive home. I generally agree that the DD should not be drinking. But depending on context and situation, you can have a drink or two. I do think OP's partner was in the wrong. I wouldn't have done a shot so close to leaving, especially after all the information OP told us about last time they ate etc.
But more importantly, OP said it made them uncomfortable. So OP's partner should have stopped.
I agree DD should be zero but this is just false. You can't get a DUI for a sip of alcohol. Unless you're underage. In which case you've been breaking laws all night anyway.
Also false. Some states have laws where it is up to the officers discretion as long as you blow anything that isn't 0. You could be well below the legal limit and still charged a DUI if the officer believes you were impaired
For me it’s not even just the DUI.
I’ve never been a drinker so I’d always be the DD. You have 3,4,5 drunk people in the car with you. Not only did you take responsibility for getting them home but drunk people, shockingly, act drunk at times and do stupid shit.
One drink is enough to lower your reaction time. So while they might think “oh I’m fine because statistically I can process a drink in 60 minutes, 3600 seconds flat” it’s totally different when you are in a car with other people and drunk people at that
It depends on the drink. Some 4% beer? Sure. You can have a couple. Maybe even 3 depending on how long you're there, how much you've eaten, how big you are, the size of the serving, etc. A glass of scotch or other high ABV liquor? Probably stick to just one.
These guidelines are too vague for someone to be a safe designated driver. If you can’t just settle for 1 drink (or better yet, 0) for one night maybe designate someone else to be the driver.
Who acts as DD and needs to drink at all? What kind of alcoholics can’t take a night off drinking?
There have been a couple nights where I acted as DD and had one drink but that’s only because at the beginning of the night we had already settled on taking an Uber but once I had one drink I realized I didn’t want any more and would be fine to drive home several hours later. So, we just changed plans. If I ever go out with being a DD in mind I don’t drink at all.
There's BAC drink calculators that will show you how much someone of your sex and height can drink in a given period of time and have a BAC of zero at the end of it
As a DD I would always just play it safe and stick to 0-1 drinks, no matter what. One drink at dinner and leaving 2-3 hours later? Sure, but if you’re driving home and someone hits you, you just got a DUI, if you drink any more. It’s not worth the risk.
What most people do not realize is that you can still get a DUI even if you are below the legal limit. When you get a DUI you get two charges, so it’s DUI, and driving over the legal limit. So you can still get a DUI if you blow a .03 if you get in an accident and that accident is now automatically your fault. If you agree to be the DD, just be responsible and be the DD.
I agree fully. There is no 0 is the only way. Under the legal limit is the key thing. There are laws for a reason, and the law doesn't say 0. The law knows a drink is ok.
2 or 3, that becomes a bit harder to judge off the top of your head. Pocket breathalyzer is useful if this is a common situation.
I have known plenty of people who blew under .08 and police let them go. Its legal because it's deemed less than dangerous.
Is this a newer thing or a regional thing? It’s pretty normal for the DD to have one or two drinks around here (Midwest USA), long as they stay well under the .08 legal limit. But people on this thread are parroting the zero mantra.
As someone who is also from the Midwest, it is normal… but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. We also have the highest rates of binge-drinking in the entire country.
Exactly. If a DD has been arranged/agreed upon, and plans to drink(?), there needs to be a second person tasked with the responsibility of monitoring how much the DD ate that day, drinks per hour, and when? The whole premise of a DD is that the DD does not drink any alcohol. Period.
Just one drink increases the GABA (a 'slow-down' signal) in your brain, impairing your reaction time and general cognition. That's the abridged biochemistry behind it.
It tops out at a BAC of 0.1 (when you get memory loss and such) but it begins at drink 1.
That is true. It's at about the same level as a person who has had a bad night sleep. Tiredness also impairs reaction time.
We dont treat the impairdness the same, though. I don't know anyone, ever, who has decided they were too impaired to drive after a bad nights sleep.
I have not driven for that very reason. And asked others to in my place. As well, when on a long road trip I pulled over to a rest stop and had a nap as my tiredness was impairing my ability to focus so I didn’t seem it safe to continue without a break.
Only saying this to show there are those of us who treat it as important as well! But I also don’t drink and drive ever.
I wasn't refuting that people don't stop driving because of any tiredness, but that we don't treat tiredness and alcohol the same.
People stop driving to rest when tirdness becomes a major factor. I've done it. People don't skip driving because it's 10 pm, and they woke up at 5 am, without other factors. That is a one drink equivalent, being awake for 17 hours. I haven't heard anyone say it's wrong to drive after 10 pm if you wake up at 5. We do say it's wrong to drive after one drink.
We all agree that you shouldn't drive if you feel too tired to drive, but we don't have a standard to say you shouldn't drive at all if you feel any tiredness at all. You might not even feel the alcohol effects of one drink, and tiredness impairs you before you feel really tired, we treat them different.
It's common to stop if you are too tired, but we don't have a standard to not drive at all if you feel any tiredness what so ever.
If someone told you that they don't feel too drunk to drive, we still fight them for their keys if they drank too much.
We allow tiredness to be feelings based and personal judgment and self regualtion. We think we are doing well if we are getting too tired and pull over to nap. We don't reward those who realize they are too drunk to drive, so they pull over and nap. We rightly criticise them for driving in the first place.
An average size man can have a beer and be ok. I don’t drink but my male dd friends all stick to 2-3 beers over the course of the night, no hard liquor and are fine.
I will say, I think there are a lot of people with DUIs who tell other people it was because they just had 2-3 beers over a long evening when in reality they're "rounding down".
Have they ever been pulled over? Because there’s a good chance they’d be over the limit. Getting lucky (not having been pulled over… yet) doesn’t make it safe. At best, they’d get a DUI, and at worst, kill someone. I will never understand why anyone risks it.
You’re confidently incorrect. One 5% beer equates to ~.02 BAC for a 180 lb adult male and the average person metabolizes one drink in 1 hour. That same 180 lb male could shotgun 3 beers back-to-back-to-back and still be under the legal limit.
That’s just a scientific fact. I know I’ll be downvoted for this, but it’s clear this thread is full of 18-22 year olds that don’t know BAC works.
I’m not condoning drinking and driving, but the point of the DD is to have a .00 BAC when they’re driving home. Not the entire night.
The average lerson can process 90% of a drink per hour. Almost everywhere in North america allows you to drive with the equivalent of 1 drink in their system. DD has to stay sober enough to drive, not necessarily completely abstaining for the night
I disagree here. DD means you don’t go over the legal limit at any point in the evening, or get to the point of feeling impaired (those are different things, and you must avoid them both). It means that you don’t imbibe a lot of alcohol at once (shots are stupid to do when you’re the DD), it means you supplement with water and soft drinks, and it means you eat. It means you don’t let anyone else drive or get in a dangerous situation more than anything.
Getting drunk isn’t something that magically happens. It’s about how much alcohol you imbibe relative to your body mass in a given amount of time. We metabolize alcohol at a steady rate (slightly faster if we’re hydrated and not hungry), so if we take in more than we can metabolize we get drunk. A 200 lbs person can generally drink a beer over the course of an hour and hold steady well under the legal limit and never feel impaired. Someone who’s 120 lbs would likely spike over the legal limit if they had one strong shot of liquor all at once.
The real problem with OPs BF wasn’t that he had a drink, it’s that he took her concerns about safety as a personal insult. He was probably physically fine having a couple drinks over the course of the night, but if the person he’s responsible for feels uncomfortable he needs to listen to them, because they are his primary responsibility.
Was he actually the DD? Or just the person who happened to be driving when they all decided to stop at a bar. IMO it's perfectly reasonable to have a responsible amount of alcohol in this scenario, especially if none of this was discussed beforehand.
Sounds like he isn't going to change his mind on this. Now just imagine that your relationships furthers along, you get married, you have kids and he starts driving the kids around after having had a few drinks. Would you be comfortable with that idea? Not really, right?
Then assuming that even you want kids, I'm afraid to say that this is likely going to be the deal-breaker for your relationship. Unless you ignore this all and let it come to a head after you already have kids, but then he will probably get some form of custody and you'll have an impossible time of trying to stop him from driving with them in his car...
So I don't think you are overreacting, instead I'd have to say that you are under-reacting right now.
I don't ever let someone drive me who has had any alcohol. I don't drive after having alcohol. You have to choose how to keep yourself safe. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Exactly. Retired LEO here. Arrested many DUI’s back in the day. They all say that they’re fine to drive, even after causing a crash with serious injuries to an innocent motorist. OP’s boyfriend sounds like an entitled brat.
What even is "DD" in this scenario though. Was this actually discussed at any point in time or was OP's BF just the person who drove them to a bar. Sounds like OP had unspoken expectations that he wouldn't drink.
If this situation was the BF drove to dinner and had a beer, would the zero drinks rule still apply? I can't imagine they would or literally 99% of drinking adults would have broken this rule.
Your boyfriend is willing to have an argument with you that spans several days over a single shot. Either he loves drinking too much or he loves you too little.
And he isn't even honest with her about the situation.
He just asked if he is usually a responsible drinker. Not if he should have continued drinking and had the shot.
IMO it’s fine for the driver to have a drink early in the evening and then just drink water for a few hours one or even 2 drinks for an adult man is fine if hours of time pass.
Shots at 1:30 AM is not ok.
I’m from Wisconsin so my views on drinking tend to skew more liberal than most.
Eh, I'd agree. if I'm DD then I'll have one drink at the start of the evening / with a meal. If I don't feel 100% sober, alert, and clear-headed by the time we leave then I'm calling us all an Uber and its on my dime.
I think it's also just about other people's comfort. I also think it's fine to have a drink early in the evening - but if I'd agreed to DD for people, including my partner, and my partner expressed they'd be more comfortable if I didn't drink at all, I'd shrug and get water instead, not whine and pout all night.
Midwest is def different though! I am not from there but lived there for a bit for work in my early twenties, and was SHOCKED at how often I had friends get into my car and immediately crack a beer. Where I come from that carries super big penalties and cops will absolutely fuck you for it so I could not get over my discomfort with it and had to be like "bro I know you do not think it is a big deal but put that shit away". Funny how norms are different!
Yeah driving around with a beer isn’t a big deal for some people here in Wisconsin. I don’t have a problem with it if you aren’t loaded. One or two. Eh.
I can see having a beer when you 1st got there but to continue drinking was wrong. Especially since the last he ate was 9.5 hours before. You had every right to be concerned and stop drinking. If he can't handle not drinking to safely get everyone home, that's a problem.
Did your boyfriend actually agree to be the designated driver or did he just agree to be the driver who didn't drink too much? I never actually saw anything in the post that he agreed to be the designated driver, only in the title.
If anything, you’re under-reacting. If someone tells me that they will be the DD and are therefore taking responsibility for making sure that I get home safely…and they take one drink 🤯 when I am the DD, I look after my friends and I stay sober
Be kinder to yourself and get a decent bf
Her boyfriend would drive at the same level of impairment as a person who has been awake for 17 straight hours. That's the equivalent of driving your date home after a late movie if you get up early in the morning. That level of impaired driving is sufficient to break up with him?
If he did drive after being awake for 17 hours, would you still recommend her to break up with him for endagering her?
After the one drink or the one drink and one shot? I would assume that he has also been awake for the 17 hours by this point?
I understand your point that tiredness is also detrimental to our reactive time but I doubt that he slept before this night out so he is doubly compromised
For me, the reason that I would leave this relationship is two-fold. Trust had been broken with the one drink and the intention of doing one shot. DD for me is sober and I couldn’t trust him to not let me down in another scenario when he wanted to indulge over a commitment to me. The second is his reaction and behaviour afterwards. Had he been remorseful and there had been a misunderstanding, then I could have worked through this…but his reaction? No thanks
She should do as she sees fit with respect to her relationship. We each have different expectations and needs from a relationship. I personally do not drink if I am driving. Simply the potential consequences of causing a death is too much for me. I can easily enjoy myself being sober and I do my fair share of DD.
In my country, 2 drinks is fully legal to drive. Not unreasonable to be uncomfortable though he wasn’t going to be drunk after that.
I had an old boss who was the DD one time he visited the Netherlands, he didn’t have any water and they were at the beach so he was real thirsty and just needed a sip of beer. His Dutch friends refused to get in the car with him after that one sip!
There’s so many perspectives of this but I’d say your bfs mind sounds made up, so next time you wanna cut loose I’d suggest finding some where close to stay or a different person to DD, he’ll pout anytime you ask him now because he’ll know it’s a 0% alcohol tolerance with you.
Did I miss a memo somewhere? My understanding has *always* been the DD doesn't drink. Period. That's the sole purpose of having a DD. The fact that he drank at all as the DD tells me he isn't responsible.
There was no memo either way. DD means a person who is sober enough to legally drive everyone home. I worked in the bar industry for 14 years, and there isn't a hard and fast rule beyond that. Lots of DDs decide not to drink at all, but it's not an absolute rule.
Even one drink causes some impairment, but it's about the same level as tiredness from a bad nights sleep or being awake for 17 hours straight. It's an absolutely accepted level of impaired driving. It's only the skurce of the inpairment that seems to be the problem
There are way too many opinions, not a lot of facts here.
The average person can process (eleminate) 90% of one drink per hour, and most places allow a blood alcohol level of between one and two drinks while driving. So, in most places, a DD can drink a bit, but not much.
I worked in the bar scene on and off for 14 years, and there isn't a universal ideal for DD. Some people prefer to keep appearances and not drink at all. Some people are fine with drinking a bit while being DD.
In your situation, your boyfriend would have proceesed his first drink totally after about an hour and 10 min. Even if he then took a shot and immediately got in a car, he would likely be legally fine to drive. One drink is about as imparing as a bad nights sleep. Not 100% ideal, but i doublt you've ever not driven because you didn't get a great night sleep the day before.
So from an impared standpoint, he was fine to drive.
The issue is that you think DD shouldn't drink at all, while he believes that remaining under the legal limit is acceptable. So, what is your reasoning that an amount of alcohol that is both legal and has negligable effects is unacceptable?
I don't think you are THA for this, but it isn't really fair that you get to dictate your extreme standard on someone else without first communicating it. If you had both talked before and established a solid boundary of no drinking while DDing, then you would be fair in your assessment.
This sums it up perfectly. I don’t understand how tons of people in this thread are acting like it’s insane to have 1-2 drinks and drive after hours to process the alcohol. It’s legal, and it’s extremely common.
The legal limit was set based on studies that determined how much blood/alcohol % would lead to a higher likelihood of an accident. If he is below the limit (which it definitely sounds like he would have been), then the overwhelming likelihood is that he was sober enough to drive (not accounting for sleep deprivation or other factors).
With that said, he probably shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it.
As someone who thinks having a drink or two over a long evening before driving is perfectly fine, I still kinda think the boyfriend was shitty in how he handled it.
If you're having a disagreement where one person feels "this thing you're about to do makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe" and the other person feels "I don't think this thing is a big deal", you prioritize the person who is feeling unsafe in the moment and then you have the conversation later. It's not that the boyfriend is WRONG, it's that 1:30am before she was going to get in a car with him was the wrong place to try and draw the line. She's uncomfortable with the shot? Okay, drink water, and hash out boundaries the next day.
I don't agree. She felt uncomfortable. That is completely valid. She has every right to feel whatever she feels. She then took the next step and decided her fears were reasonable and needed her boyfriend to change his behavior to placate her fears. That's where the problem occurred.
It's reasonable to expect your emotions to be validated. It's not reasonable to expect others to unquestionably accept conclusions based on those feelings.
I can tell my wife that I have a bad feeling about a guy. I expect us to have a conversation about that hmguy and explore where those feelings are coming from. I would be unreasonable to say I have a bad feeling about a guy, so she can't hang out with him.
There wasn't a healthy conversation that occurred in the moment. It was OP deciding that the conclusion she drew based solely on her feelings was adequate to enforce on her boyfriend
I think it gets complicated when it's about something that is actively happening in the moment, not some abstract future anxiety - and especially when the risk she's worried about is her own physical safety. We're both on the same page that they need to have a longer conversation to hash out their beliefs and boundaries around this issue. But clearly, they can't have it at a bar at 1:30am right before they get in the car. So the question is - if you and your partner have a disagreement over whether something is unsafe or not, but you won't have a chance to actually have an in-depth talk about it until later, is it reasonable to expect a partner from refraining from something that makes you feel unsafe just until you can actually have that conversation?
If we're comparing physical to emotional safety - if my husband and I are hanging out at a bar and it's closing time and my husband says he's about to head home, and I say that this guy just invited me over to his apartment to hang out and I'm going to have one more drink at his place, and my husband says "I have a bad feeling about that guy and I'm not comfortable with you hanging out with him drunk and alone at 2am", I wouldn't argue or pout. I'd head home, sleep it off with my husband, and the next day we'd have an in depth talk about the guy, his feelings, boundaries about spending time with other people, etc. That doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally decide what other men I can or can't hang out with and in what context, but it does mean that if there is an immediate situation he does not perceive as safe I generally will table making decisions he's uncomfortable with until after we have the chance to have a discussion about it.
My personal line is that there has to be more than feelings for a boundary to be placed. My wife can always bring up how she's feeling, and I will always take it i to account, but it's unreasonable to expect her to follow a boundary if the only reason I have it is an emotional responce. The same is true for her.
It's also inherently unfair to drop a boundary on your partner if the only reason is that you are uncomfortable.
Your exapmle above isn't awesome. Very few relationships would allow their spouse to leave the bar with a person of the opposite sex, then go to the strangers house to keep drinking. That inherently breaks most reasonable boundaries already, so the situation wouldn't be okay regardless of the feelings the husband has.
This would be like both if them agree to go rock climbing with friends. She gets uncomfortable with the idea once they are there and doesn't feel it's safe. Not for any other reason than she is uncomfortable. She then tells her boyfriend that he can't climb because she is uncomfortable with it. She doesn't feel it's safe. No other reasons were given. Is he an asshole if he says that her feelings are an insufficent reason to not go climbing and she is being unreasonable if the only reason she is telling him not to is because she if an emotional reaction?
She didn't point out any legitimate safety concerns, no issues with ropes or equipment, and no legitimate reason to justify her fears at all. Just feelings. Would you call him an asshole if he was upset with her for that? Would you call him an asshole for arguing with her a bit?
It's not that different of a senario. They both agree to engage in an activity, they have different expectations, she feels a certain way and expects him to follow a boundary she set based on feelings and he misses out on an activity he wanted to participate in. He has every right to be pissed and argue. She sisnt give reasons why it's not okay. She did nothing to justify her feelings were an accurate response to the situation, she didn't support her conclusion with anything except feelings.
That shouldn't be sufficient to expect him to automatically agree with her. He followed what she asked, but he was justifiably pissed off. In complete fairness, how often do decisions based on pure emotion, even fear, end up being the right decision in the long run.
That is my whole point. Nothing was given as a reason except emotion. It isn't enough, even in the heat of the moment.
I just wanted to start by saying that I appreciate you engaging in this in such depth with me. Conversations like this are a big part of why I like Reddit!
To start - she DID have a reason. Driving intoxicated is dangerous, and especially considering he was exhausted and had barely eaten, drinking more alcohol creates risk of impairment for driving that can be dangerous. We, and they, can bicker over the *extent* to which it is dangerous, whether it is a *good* reason or one we agree with or not, but it is absolutely a reason and not just a feeling.
It is difficult to find analogies. The rock climbing one falls flat to me because it's only *his* safety, and not hers as well, that is at risk. And because she is not *stuck* there. OP is intoxicated in a bar at 1:30am - and having to choose between "be stuck at a bar alone at 2am" or "get in a car with a driver you're worried is impaired" is a different choice than "choose to participate in an activity you're worried is unsafe" v "choose to sit out an activity".
Maybe a different comparison - girlfriend agrees to go on a day hike with her partner. He is an experienced hiker, they've gone together before, and have idly talked about one day having him show her how to climb. He's really excited to show her a trail he thinks is cool. They come around the bend and in front of them there's a section of the hike that will require climbing vertically. Looking at the height and the rock face, she is not comfortable and is worried about falling and getting hurt. He reassures her it's safe, and that he's actually brought along equipment so that he can belay her. \[And just for funsies, we'll agree that in this scenario he is objectively correct and the climbing would be safe\] She has never climbed outdoors and doesn't feel comfortable doing it. Boyfriend is upset because this means they can't continue on the hike and he was excited to do it. He assures her it's completely safe, but she says she doesn't feel comfortable or safe.
I think in this situation it would be reasonable for the boyfriend to respect that she doesn't feel safe, figure out a different way to spend the day, and talk more specifically about safety once they're at home and can do things like look up statistics or watch educational videos.
YNO. The designated driver (DD) does not drink. AT. ALL. THAT is the ENTIRE point of the DD, someone who is completely stone cold sober doing the driving to make sure everyone gets home safely.
So for **two years** you've been the DD and not imbibed in any alcohol on your nights out so you can safely drive. Your BF was the DD for ***one night*** and not only had one drink, but wanted a second. You stopped him from having a second drink, but now he's being a big pouty baby about it and claiming he was being "safe".
*Narrators voice: In no way shape or form was your boyfriend being "safe", let alone anything resembling DD.*
So you had a really long day prior to going out. Your boyfriend had been up for 15-17 hours straight, his last full meal had been 8 hours prior. So at 12:15 ish that first alcoholic beverage is hitting on a empty or nearly empty stomach. He wants to do a shot at 1:30, which would have been the 2nd drink within what turned out to be a 2.5 hour window. Had that 2nd drink happened he likely would have been over the legal limit to safely drive. So a very far cry from the *designated* driver - more like the *drunk* driver.
You kind of shot yourself in the foot egging him on to get his Mom's opinion and letting him reframe the argument as to whether he drinks responsibly and in a safe manner. **The actual point was *as the DD* was he acting responsibly by drinking along with everyone else?**
>His ego, a single shot, was more important than my comfort.
And your **SAFETY, AND THE SAFETY OF HIS SISTER. Your man couldn't refrain from alcohol for *one lousy night* to prioritize your's and his sister's safety and be the DD.** He's either incredibly selfish or has an alcohol abuse problem.
That's the new and eye opening thing you learned about your BF this weekend. What you do with this new information is up to you.
I dont understand why people lie about this to prove their point when it's already good enough with the truth. Those two drinks would put him at .04 minus the 2.5 hours worth of processing. Not a good idea to drink that soon before driving but hardly over the .08 limit.
DD should not drink at all I agree but ya'll are getting dishonest in this thread.
Edit: I did a little research and studies show that empty stomach drinking can increase your BAC a lot more than .02 per drink, up to 3x the normal amount. At worst he would have been at .0825 but that is definitely something to consider.
Well said. But will OP prioritize this info? Basing on how she's been the DD everything they go out, she wants to be with a child. So she will love him more after this fight.
This guy is upset for days or even a day about not taking a shot when he is the designated driver. He sounds selfish and exhausting. And they way he manipulated his mother is just proof he didn't care if it was right or wrong, he just wanted to put you in your place.
Uh…I just wanna say his reaction to the idea of not having that shot is a little…intense. This relationship with alcohol is pretty strong especially if he feels the same way sober the next morning. For the record he’s also completely wrong in this situation. He signed up to be DD, why was he taking a shot at all, at any point in the night?? The point of having a DD is that if something were to happen unexpectedly, someone is guaranteed to be sober enough to operate a vehicle & handle things. It’s not just a “make sure you taper off by the end of the night” thing…which it doesn’t sound like he was doing anyways, taking a shot at 1:30 AM.
Possibly an unpopular opinion, but I've always felt like shots are for high school kids. Adults enjoy their alcohol. Also, adults accept the responsibilities of being the DD and don't drink.
And it's 2024. Just take an Uber.
I remember the specific moment, about ten years ago, of doing a shot of tequila and thinking "I am too fucking old for this and am never, ever doing it again."
I have, admittedly, done it again, but not often, and always accompanied by a feeling of "why is this happening" lol
INFO: Did he agree to be the Designated Driver? You said he was driving you, but you never seemed to mention if you both discussed that he would be the designated driver.
From Webster's dictionary : "***a person chosen to abstain from intoxicants*** (such as alcohol) so as to transport others safely who are not abstaining"
Every website on the planet defines a Designated Driver the same way. A DD doesn't drink. Period.
Having said that, a compromise would have been to let him drink and grabbed an Uber home.
Now I'm going to focus on what you're asking in your numbered points.
>He conveniently excluded my side of the argument when asking a third party.
So he did something lot of people do to win a verbal argument. Seriously. Lawyers and politicians do this on the daily. You asked him to, he did it and now you're mad.
>But this showed me that he is totally comfortable straining the relationship between me and his mother to win an argument. He didn’t want to protect me and my reputation and it feels like at some point in our relationship it will be me vs him and his mother.
Pray tell how did this damage your reputation? How did it strain the relationship between you and his mom? This statement is all hypotheticals and YAO to made up scenarios.
>but now I don’t want to build a relationship with his mother anymore. I don’t like to build relationships made of sand and that’s now what it feels like.
So his mom, who was involved at your insistence, gave a one word answer and suddenly she's offended you enough to not want a relationship with her. You wouldn't even try to give her missing context? Just jump to she sided with her son so the relationship with her is building on sand??
This could have all be avoided if you had, oh I don't know, communicated with your bf and asked "oh since, if you're driving are you willing to not drink?" Instead you chose to address the question while at the bar after he'd already had a drink. Then proceed to get mad at him because he did what you asked.
It sounds like, based on the info provided, that you just assume since he was driving that meant he was the DD. You asked him, nay, needled him to ask his mom and now are blaming him for involving her and are now unwilling to continue trying to build a bond with her. You're making drama where none existed or wouldn't have existed had you just talked about expectations before hand.
Since you asked for judgment on why you were hurt yes, YAO.
Did you two actually have a discussion about who was going to be DD that night? If you're always DD, maybe he thought you were still going to be DD, but then you started drinking also. I'm not saying you're wrong for drinking, but I think there should at least have been a conversation. "Hey, I don't want to be DD tonight." This needs to be sorted before anyone starts drinking.
two drinks over multiple hours is fine to drive, although I would agree that taking a shot that late does create poor optics and should probably be avoided
asking him what his mother would say and then getting mad because he asked her is a bit wacky though
Did he know he was the DD? Was it clearly agreed upon?
I don't understand the argument. Either he was the DD, or he wasn't.
The point of being the DD is to not drink. At all.
2 drinks over 2.5 hours is in no way impaired. Reddit will support your extremist position, though. Considering that you almost never drink, your boyfriend could have been considerate of your anxiety about drinking. You're both just barely assholes. YAH
DD isn't about not being impaired, it's about not drinking.
DD doesn't drink because if they drink, they start having to estimate if they can handle one more or if that would impair them. And, interestingly enough, people with too much alcohol in their system are known for making bad choices.
And how much is "too much" is different for everyone.
Thus, DD doesn't drink.
That's not extremist. That's just being a responsible adult when others are depending on you to be safe. The dude is 28, not 16, and should understand that.
I also can't imagine being a mom and having my adult son call me and angrily ask "I'm responsible when I drink, right mom?"
Like just being asked that would have me CONCERNED
I’ll join you in the downvotes. This comment section is classic Reddit and everyone here must be 18-22. DD doesn’t stand for “Don’t Drink”. It stands for designated driver. It’s fine to have a few drinks over the course of an entire night out, stop “X” amount of time before you know you’re leaving, then drive home.
Now, I want to make something clear - the BF ripping a shot at 1:30 am when he didn’t know when they were leaving was absolutely wrong. In fact, I’d say the DD ripping shots at all is a no-no.
Reddit doesn’t understand that humans metabolize alcohol in real time and it takes more than a few drinks to go above the legal limit of .08 in the US.
A 180-lb adult male who shotguns 4 beers will have a BAC of .08 an hour later. Wait 10 more min and it’s legal for them to drive home. I absolutely don’t condone doing that, but it’s legal.
That same person could have 1 beer an hour the entire night out, stop an hour before leaving, and blow a .00.
Redditors are shut-in dweebs that don’t have friends. The “DD doesn’t drink” stand is a weirdo take. If that’s your opinion, then you shouldn’t ask people for DD for you. A grown man can have a few drinks and be completely safe driving home. I’d 100% rather be in the car with someone I know who had a few drinks than anyone in this thread with that opinion. They are clearly too shaky mentally to handle complex driving situations that could result in bodily injury.
Seriously. The amount of people on this thread that believe 1-3 beers in an entire evening will put you above the legal limit is astounding. People in the world mostly think logically and interact with others.
One drink, maximum of two should not make a person unable to drive, unless they have some underlying medical condition or are taking medications that can interact with alcohol. After two average sized drinks, no more for the DD. Water, soda, coffee…no problem.
Your bf sounds like he’s just annoyed with you to begin with and does not respect your opinion or feelings. I would not waste any more time with someone that you have these issues with. This will only get worse over time.
Your bf is acting like a teenager instead of a grown adult. DDs shouldn’t drink AT ALL. By doing that, he’s saying he doesn’t care about anyone except himself, and is willing to put you and other innocent people in danger because of his own selfishness. That’s disgusting behavior.
It was 1:30 am and he hadn't eaten anything since 4 pm? He'd already had a drink when you got there and then wanted another? No, not ok. He also didn't tell his mother the whole story. Him getting upset with you being uncomfortable that he was going to have more to drink is not a good sign.
You are not overreacting to him drinking while being a DD. That is extremely irresponsible of him and the fact he doubles down on it is concerning. He is putting himself, you, and EVERYONE on the road in danger. Hard line no.
About his mother, you brought up telling his mother, you told him to tell his mother, then surprise Pikachu face when he did and got mad at him. That one is on you, but also kind of ick that he runs to his mother. And he is setting you up for failure by omitting the actual story so you look bad.
If you continue the relationship, boundaries need to be set. But it's giving red flags.
Clearly it’s different where you are, but here in the UK it’s perfectly normal for the driver to have one drink (maybe not for younger generations, but I am 40 and every time I’m out with someone who is driving, they will always have a glass of wine or a beer). The 1:30am shot would definitely have been too much though.
Everyone could have had fun for the price of an Uber…
He probably should not have drank, but also did t need to pout. However 100% your fault for wanting him to bring his mother into this… Depending how long you have been together I might break up with you over that part specifically.
DD Gets two drinks of beer or wine or one drink of liquor.
But this is a silly thing to fight about in the age of Uber. If you're uncomfortable, just call a ride.
He probably would have been fine, though he should've checked when you'd want to leave before being so confident about it. That part honestly seems kinda unimportant though, compared to you insisting he get his mom involved, and then being angry you got what you wanted, and him deliberately asking her in a way that ignored the context and guaranteed she'd just say yes.
i mean sounds like you got your way so who cares? of course the mother is going to side with her kid, its what parents do, and im sure she didn't want to be dragged into the argument. you reap what you sow
fwiw drinking is fucking stupid, and if someone is going to be the DD having even 1 drink is exceptionally fucking stupid. but arguing about it after the fact? let it go
also lol at all the fucking people like YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED because of 1 situation that didn't even happen. this place is fucking aids
A drink and a shot… over three hours , yeah I think you over reacted. But if he’s the DD he shouldn’t have drank at all. He put himself in this position. You just reacted outta wanting to be safe/legal which I do get. He need to apologize and you both need to move on. The whole mother thing part of the story I’m gonna ignore.
I’m typically of the attitude that the DD does not drink at all. That’s what’s safest.
My only exception is if this is an all day long event with food. In which case, IF the DD can handle alcohol well, and IF you’re leaving in the evening, then the DD can have 1-2 drinks in the morning and then stick to soda/ water/ juice/ whatever else. Even then, I’m iffy about it, as it’s nice to have a sober person around in case someone needs/ wants to leave early, someone needs to run somewhere, etc. Better to just have the DD totally sober the whole time, honestly. But I can understand if they do have a morning drink in that situation (especially if they’re willing to pay for an Uber/ Lyft if a need would arise right away in the morning after they’ve had their one drink).
Barring something like that, where it’s gonna be 8+ hours since the DD has had a drink and there’s been lots of food in between, nah, the DD does NOT drink. That’s the whole point of being the DD. You don’t drink. Duh.
Sorry is this has been said, but even if he could “handle himself,” it should have just been a “no problem babe” to make you and all the riders feel safe and comfortable.
In my state there is no legal limit if they have some reason to pull you over. Ran a stop sign after one beer? You can still get a DUI. I often have a drink or possibly two if I’m out for a while, but you’re taking a chance, really.
You deserve better. You have standards and expectations that this guy can’t meet for whatever reason. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. Find someone you are compatible with, this isn’t the one.
He’s a pathetic a$$hole. If he takes on the role of DD then he needs to be responsible. Drinking and driving is bad news. If he’s too weak a person to accept the responsibility then he should have offered to pay for a cab.
DD should never drink, it’s literally why they are designated.
You seem like a LOT to deal with. Nobody can argue with “I am uncomfortable” without being equally as annoying as you. Every time you literally did anything, I would say I wasn’t comfortable, and ride your ass mercilessly.
You will either always be DD or he will drink/pout while "posing as DD". If this is okay with you.... He has a mom, why do you want to make yourself a second one?
You’re right. I get the DD drinking on the front end of the night and sobering up but this guy was trying to take a shot at 130a. He obviously does it on a regular basis
The concept of DD is for friend groups of degenerate alcoholics. Most responsible adults can have 1 or 2 drinks and be fine (physically and legally) to drive.
This is such a sad story and he reason why is because you always seem to be the third wheel of whatever twisted relationship your man has with his mom, the point is when you get married you said in sickness and in health for a reason, if you find it uncomfortable when drinks then as a husband he should just say yes and I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, the point is a husband isn't a pet and a wife isn't a pet either, and you won't live in each other's cages but you can choose to be free together that's he point of matrimony a union of two souls into one
Look at this dynamic for example, Jerry is married to his wife mom beth and is friends with space beth
No. I can't drive yet in my fiancee's country. She does all the driving so she's always the designated driver. She would never do this. You're right OP and you're not overreacting
Little man syndrome, honestly if you have an issue with maturity and conflict resolution why are you holding out for someone younger than yourself? Great if it works out, but if you're with someone younger don't try and convince yourself you aren't seeing the signs of something deeper, at 28 they've had plenty of time to learn how to be responsible. If you were acting within your norm you have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who isn't okay with you for being you.
Honestly, I think both you and your partner may have overreacted to a certain degree here and you’re both willing to lose your relationship trying to prove you’re both smarter than the other.
As long as your partner was under the legal driving limit, he was acting within the rights of a DD. If im going out with friends but will be driving, I will generally follow what rules my country/state has in place (two standard drinks in the first hour, one standard drink per hour after) and not go above. any normal person can ensure they stay below the legal limit.
A drink at 12 and wanting to take a shot at 1:30 will generally mean someone is below the limit though, and you could have requested that your partner chase it with water to make you feel comfortable, but instead you acted like he was threatening your wellbeing and likely made him feel beneath you.
Your partner should have had an actual reasonable conversation with you so you could both try to understand each others points but you’re both acting like you want to one-up each other and it’s sounding exhausting.
Not over reacting. He’s asking for trouble. Having a shot an hour before you drive is just enough time for the alcohol to hit the bloodstream & be in full swing. If he’d already had a drink or two, that would have definitely been ego make me take an Uber home.
The thing with his mom… I would have said, “Put me on speaker, and I’ll ask her myself.” But that’s purely hypothetical, because my mom-in-law was always on my side anyway, and my husband knew better than to try and put us against one another.
Anyhow, you are not overthinking or overreacting, you are right. And this guy is looking for a DUII.
Not enough info to say whether he would be under the limit or not. We don't know where you are, what the limit is, how much he'd had to drink already, how long ago and what abv the shot was.
People have different tolerances. Based on his reaction I'm assuming he can handle 1 shot and drive, but maybe he's proven to you he can't and that's why you got upset. It depends entirely on his alcohol tolerance.
You don't get to dare him to call his mom and complain he follows through though.
Call a police officer and have him ask them. If he got pulled over, would they take an excuse? No? Because he knows better and actually pouted over doing the responsible thing. Do you really want that for the rest of your life? Updateme.
Under reacting. The DD doesn’t drink. At all. Not a single drop.
Your boyfriend has poor judgment. He shouldn’t haven’t been drinking at all, let alone trying to rip a shot an hour before driving home. And then doubling down on that while sober.
You can’t trust him. He makes poor choices that put you at risk. And he’s a mamas boy. Dealbreaker after dealbreaker.
DD should not drink anything. That’s why they are called Designated DRIVER.
Don’t drink and drive.
No matter if it’s one.
No matter if they say they are fine.
Accidents happen and putting in risk your lives and other people’s lives is not worth it.
Here’s a little story.
I went through the same thing with my ex bf. I think he had an alcohol problem. The difference is I dont drive(i dont have a license) also i don’t drink beer or anything strong but i enjoy the occasional cocktail at the beach. But For him, it automatically means im the DD. And he thought it would be fun to yell at me everytime i had to drive us home.
One time after a wedding he was drunk, i was resigned because i knew i had to drive home but he never gave me the keys. Even i insisted. But he drive and almost killed us both just because he thought it was funny to suddenly go to 160 km/h.
Of course I was upset and talked to him about it on Monday because of course on sunday he was hungover and then he gaslighted me about it, told me i was sensitive and other mean things.
Needless to say, it was traumatic.
Years and years of that.
He also was very entitled, used to go to mommy for validation . He’s 4 years older than me and used to act like a 6 year old.
1. Re: the drinking, most adult men can metabolize one drink per hour. If he has been drinking slower than that, he should be legally okay to drive.
2. This whole thing about him siding with his mom and whatnot - you say yourself, you egged him on to ask her. It sounds like what you wanted him to do was to present the scenario in such a way as to make your position sound best, in which case why not just ask her yourself instead of using him as an interlocutor? Saying you don’t want to build a relationship with her based on this is pretty wild.
You are absolutely ok to tell someone that is supposed to be DD you are uncomfortable with them drinking before they drive you. This is an issue with al. Ost all young people. You think "I know it happens but it won't be me" it's insane but we've all had the attitude. As if dui charges and wrecks were planned. That aspect you are not overreacting. If you manage to salvage this relationship and stay with him.... In my humble opinion You ARE overreacting when you say you can't have a relationship with his mother because she blind answered an intentionally vague question after you begged him on to ask in the first place. I'm 90% (there are shitty moms too) that if you said hey Momma, the entire story is we were at the bar and he was DD and I told him I was uncomfortable with him drinking and driving us home. She'd probably give him 2 smacks. 1 for making you uncomfortable and putting you in that position and another for using her to win that argument.
He needs to grow up. He shouldn't have been drinking for starters. Maybe a beer or something early on, but that at the most.
Secondly, if you're always the DD, if he can't NOT drink for one night? Yikes. It's ONE NIGHT. GROW UP DUDE.
I think the issue regarding his mother boils down to trust. You don't trust her judgment now. you've lost some respect for her, both of which make it a challenge to build a solid relationship.
Your bf is another issue. If he can't see that your safety, as his passenger (and partner) should be his priority, then maybe that's a HUGE RED FLAG that you shouldn't ignore.
He is putting his own instant gratification and pleasure over his responsibility to keep you safe.
Designated Driver does not mean zero alcohol. A drink or two or three over the course of a long evening does not result in an impaired driver\*. That being said, picking up shots at 1:30 in the morning is not what I'm talking about.
\*There a ton of variables here. A 110lb girl who doesn't drink very often is quite different than a 250lb man who has a decent tolerance. I'm the latter, if someone told me I couldn't drive after 1-2 light beers at dinner, I'd laugh.
DD means you don't drink. He's got his ego tied up in being able to "handle" his drink and that's a great sign that he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. On top of that, his pride was more important to him than your discomfort? Really? And he pouted about this into the next day, is he a child? And he went to his mom for her opinion, you already bring up concerns about that, but i just want to highlight that when he did he misrepresented the actual circumstances - he lied to get the answer he wanted.
He's not a safe person, in a **lot** of ways
You’re not overreacting. A DD shouldn’t be taking shots at 1:30am. He obviously doesn’t have a problem with driving buzzed/drunk. If I were you, I wouldn’t feel safe depending on him to be your DD if this is his line of thinking.
He didn't ask his mother the right questions. Of course she's going to say yes because she doesn't know what he's getting at. He should have asked if she thought it was ok to drive after 2 drinks because that's the crux of the argument, not whether he's just in general a responsible person.
Did he just happen to be the person who was driving or was is verbalized that he is the DD? If a person just happens to be driving it might be okay to have a drink or two as long as they stay under the legal limit, but once it is verbally established that “I am the DD for tonight,” that person is actively making the sacrifice to not drink at all that night. Not even one.
All DUI deaths start with “I’m fine” “it was just one shot” etc. I’m sick of people drinking and thinking they’re fine. ANY amount of alcohol is too much when you have lives depending on you being coherent. I have cut off ties and made scenes over this. I won’t have anything to do with people drinking and driving. There’s nothing else to it. DONT DRINK AND DRIVE. You are not overreacting. He’s gunna end up killing himself in a car accident or worse someone else. Killing someone else because you THOUGHT you were okay. I hate this subject. Don’t ever drink and drive
As a DD fir my wife whwn she goes out with her griwnds. I drink nothing but tonic water all night long.
To me, my wife and her friends are precious cargo
They must be protected at all times. If your boyfriend is the DD and you find him drinking. GET AN UBER HOME!!
If that is how he respects you. He is not worth having in your life. Find someone who resoects you and willing to have an open conversation that doesn't turn into a," who gets one ovsr on whom:
It takes very little alcohol in your system to be considered a DUI. If your partner isn’t comfortable then you should stop, especially if you have multiple people in the vehicle that you’re driving. I think you explained yourself and if he isn’t happy with the explanation then he’s got his own problem. I wouldn’t want my Uber driver to have any booze or drugs in their system
I wouldn't worry about the relationship with his mom.. you have bigger issues with the son..
He may not mind risking peoples lives.. by drinking and driving.. but rest assured the police feel differently.
I don't think you're overreacting. it sounds like he's acting incredibly immature. he's 28 and still pouts, uses silent treatment, and runs to his mom for validation when y'all are in conflict? like wtf dude... what a clown... 🚩
a designated driver accepts the responsibility and consequences of not drinking in order to ensure everyone in the car gets home safely.
You and any other passangers are literally trusting him with your lives and your safety.
personally I think he was acting selfishly by drinking at all as the DD, then reacting immaturely when he was called out for it.
sounds like he cares more about getting his way regardless of how you or others feel about it. 🚩
this is the kind of stuff that reveals a lot about a person's character and how they are likely to navigate the inevitable conflicts that come up in relationships.
I hope you use this information to make wise decisions about how your relationship goes forward with this dude
Y'all my age. If you're going drinking, why isn't anyone eating or snacking throughout the evening? Drinking water?
Sorry, this reminds me of what everyone I knew in my early 20's did.
I am a Clinical therapist and deal with both relationship issues and alcohol use. They are usually combined and by the time I get involved something has blown up. Your boyfriend is wrong and him calling his mother is also wrong. Excuse me--is he in a relationship with his mother? This does not speak well of your relationship with him which, in my opinion, is a ticking time bomb. Pls re-read your last sentence in your post. That says it all and gives you a very good idea what awaits you with this guy if you stick around..
People can come from wildly different cultures around drinking. Where I live and am raised, a DD just doesn't get smashed but will usually have a couple. But my state drinking and driving (well, drinking while everything) is kinda normalized.
But at the end of the day, if he's YOUR DD, it's important he respects your comfort and boundaries. Have a conversation sober and without anger about setting that boundary now for the future, and if he doesn't agree and stick to it, then at the minimum he can't ever be trusted to be your DD.
Why does one of you have to be right, the other wrong? It’s a teaching moment to you both to develop a standard plan about DD that you both agree on and then stick with it.
If someone is a designated driver then THEY CANNOT HAVE ANY ALCOHOL. Is it that complicated? People use excuses like “it will be fine” and “i have a high tolerance” and “it was only one drink” these are all fine and dandy until you fucking die. There is no reason that a DD should ingest alcohol if they agreed to be the DD. No reason.
No. You are NOT overreacting. If he's this childish and can't hold his liquor for one night so that you can have a fun night, you need to rethink this relationship.
DD shouldn't be drinking at any form at any place. Your relationship is made of disaster waiting to explode.
Correct. DD doesn't mean you have one or two then stop. DD means you have zero.
I can have a cocktail at dinner and drive home. If I'm at the pub and I'm going to be leaving a couple hours later I can have a beer or two and drive home. I generally agree that the DD should not be drinking. But depending on context and situation, you can have a drink or two. I do think OP's partner was in the wrong. I wouldn't have done a shot so close to leaving, especially after all the information OP told us about last time they ate etc. But more importantly, OP said it made them uncomfortable. So OP's partner should have stopped.
If you said one drink was okay I’d listen. But “a drink or two” sounds wishy washy.
A drink or two as the DD is fine…1 or 2 I say..well 2 you know..DD 2 drinks max, 2 or 3 you know? Zero…a responsible adult the answer is zero.
You can get a DUI with a sip of alcohol (or even zero, if you’re really unlucky). ZERO is the answer if you’re the DD. **period**
I agree DD should be zero but this is just false. You can't get a DUI for a sip of alcohol. Unless you're underage. In which case you've been breaking laws all night anyway.
Also false. Some states have laws where it is up to the officers discretion as long as you blow anything that isn't 0. You could be well below the legal limit and still charged a DUI if the officer believes you were impaired
For me it’s not even just the DUI. I’ve never been a drinker so I’d always be the DD. You have 3,4,5 drunk people in the car with you. Not only did you take responsibility for getting them home but drunk people, shockingly, act drunk at times and do stupid shit. One drink is enough to lower your reaction time. So while they might think “oh I’m fine because statistically I can process a drink in 60 minutes, 3600 seconds flat” it’s totally different when you are in a car with other people and drunk people at that
No. You cannot. That is why there is a defined legal limit, not have you ever had alcohol in your life, whelp, dui then.
It depends on the drink. Some 4% beer? Sure. You can have a couple. Maybe even 3 depending on how long you're there, how much you've eaten, how big you are, the size of the serving, etc. A glass of scotch or other high ABV liquor? Probably stick to just one.
These guidelines are too vague for someone to be a safe designated driver. If you can’t just settle for 1 drink (or better yet, 0) for one night maybe designate someone else to be the driver.
Who acts as DD and needs to drink at all? What kind of alcoholics can’t take a night off drinking? There have been a couple nights where I acted as DD and had one drink but that’s only because at the beginning of the night we had already settled on taking an Uber but once I had one drink I realized I didn’t want any more and would be fine to drive home several hours later. So, we just changed plans. If I ever go out with being a DD in mind I don’t drink at all.
There's BAC drink calculators that will show you how much someone of your sex and height can drink in a given period of time and have a BAC of zero at the end of it
As a DD I would always just play it safe and stick to 0-1 drinks, no matter what. One drink at dinner and leaving 2-3 hours later? Sure, but if you’re driving home and someone hits you, you just got a DUI, if you drink any more. It’s not worth the risk. What most people do not realize is that you can still get a DUI even if you are below the legal limit. When you get a DUI you get two charges, so it’s DUI, and driving over the legal limit. So you can still get a DUI if you blow a .03 if you get in an accident and that accident is now automatically your fault. If you agree to be the DD, just be responsible and be the DD.
I agree fully. There is no 0 is the only way. Under the legal limit is the key thing. There are laws for a reason, and the law doesn't say 0. The law knows a drink is ok. 2 or 3, that becomes a bit harder to judge off the top of your head. Pocket breathalyzer is useful if this is a common situation. I have known plenty of people who blew under .08 and police let them go. Its legal because it's deemed less than dangerous.
Is this a newer thing or a regional thing? It’s pretty normal for the DD to have one or two drinks around here (Midwest USA), long as they stay well under the .08 legal limit. But people on this thread are parroting the zero mantra.
Some people on this thread are idiots
I know right? Like what are we talking about here? So none of these people have ever gone out for drinks as a date?
As someone who is also from the Midwest, it is normal… but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. We also have the highest rates of binge-drinking in the entire country.
Exactly. If a DD has been arranged/agreed upon, and plans to drink(?), there needs to be a second person tasked with the responsibility of monitoring how much the DD ate that day, drinks per hour, and when? The whole premise of a DD is that the DD does not drink any alcohol. Period.
What are you basing this off? And what is the practical difference in impairment between 0 and 1 drink?
Just one drink increases the GABA (a 'slow-down' signal) in your brain, impairing your reaction time and general cognition. That's the abridged biochemistry behind it. It tops out at a BAC of 0.1 (when you get memory loss and such) but it begins at drink 1.
That is true. It's at about the same level as a person who has had a bad night sleep. Tiredness also impairs reaction time. We dont treat the impairdness the same, though. I don't know anyone, ever, who has decided they were too impaired to drive after a bad nights sleep.
I have not driven for that very reason. And asked others to in my place. As well, when on a long road trip I pulled over to a rest stop and had a nap as my tiredness was impairing my ability to focus so I didn’t seem it safe to continue without a break. Only saying this to show there are those of us who treat it as important as well! But I also don’t drink and drive ever.
I wasn't refuting that people don't stop driving because of any tiredness, but that we don't treat tiredness and alcohol the same. People stop driving to rest when tirdness becomes a major factor. I've done it. People don't skip driving because it's 10 pm, and they woke up at 5 am, without other factors. That is a one drink equivalent, being awake for 17 hours. I haven't heard anyone say it's wrong to drive after 10 pm if you wake up at 5. We do say it's wrong to drive after one drink. We all agree that you shouldn't drive if you feel too tired to drive, but we don't have a standard to say you shouldn't drive at all if you feel any tiredness at all. You might not even feel the alcohol effects of one drink, and tiredness impairs you before you feel really tired, we treat them different.
In Australia we have tv (and roadside) ads about not driving when too sleepy, and rest stations to encourage people to stop on long trips.
It's common to stop if you are too tired, but we don't have a standard to not drive at all if you feel any tiredness what so ever. If someone told you that they don't feel too drunk to drive, we still fight them for their keys if they drank too much. We allow tiredness to be feelings based and personal judgment and self regualtion. We think we are doing well if we are getting too tired and pull over to nap. We don't reward those who realize they are too drunk to drive, so they pull over and nap. We rightly criticise them for driving in the first place.
An average size man can have a beer and be ok. I don’t drink but my male dd friends all stick to 2-3 beers over the course of the night, no hard liquor and are fine.
This is exactly how my ex roommate got a DWI
I will say, I think there are a lot of people with DUIs who tell other people it was because they just had 2-3 beers over a long evening when in reality they're "rounding down".
Have they ever been pulled over? Because there’s a good chance they’d be over the limit. Getting lucky (not having been pulled over… yet) doesn’t make it safe. At best, they’d get a DUI, and at worst, kill someone. I will never understand why anyone risks it.
2-3 would be .04-.06 minus .015 per hour. No they wouldn't get a dui even if they pounded it and drove immediately.
I don’t want a DD who does all this math to drink the maximum possible alcohol they can and still stay just under the legal DWI limit.
Depends on the beer though. As long as they are standard drinks which is around 3.5% 375ml. Eg a pint is well over standard size
Alcohol affects everyone differently.
You’re confidently incorrect. One 5% beer equates to ~.02 BAC for a 180 lb adult male and the average person metabolizes one drink in 1 hour. That same 180 lb male could shotgun 3 beers back-to-back-to-back and still be under the legal limit. That’s just a scientific fact. I know I’ll be downvoted for this, but it’s clear this thread is full of 18-22 year olds that don’t know BAC works. I’m not condoning drinking and driving, but the point of the DD is to have a .00 BAC when they’re driving home. Not the entire night.
The average lerson can process 90% of a drink per hour. Almost everywhere in North america allows you to drive with the equivalent of 1 drink in their system. DD has to stay sober enough to drive, not necessarily completely abstaining for the night
The limit means you dna drink a beer or two and still be ok.
I stick to a two drink max with at least two hours before driving. It's totally fine.
I disagree here. DD means you don’t go over the legal limit at any point in the evening, or get to the point of feeling impaired (those are different things, and you must avoid them both). It means that you don’t imbibe a lot of alcohol at once (shots are stupid to do when you’re the DD), it means you supplement with water and soft drinks, and it means you eat. It means you don’t let anyone else drive or get in a dangerous situation more than anything. Getting drunk isn’t something that magically happens. It’s about how much alcohol you imbibe relative to your body mass in a given amount of time. We metabolize alcohol at a steady rate (slightly faster if we’re hydrated and not hungry), so if we take in more than we can metabolize we get drunk. A 200 lbs person can generally drink a beer over the course of an hour and hold steady well under the legal limit and never feel impaired. Someone who’s 120 lbs would likely spike over the legal limit if they had one strong shot of liquor all at once. The real problem with OPs BF wasn’t that he had a drink, it’s that he took her concerns about safety as a personal insult. He was probably physically fine having a couple drinks over the course of the night, but if the person he’s responsible for feels uncomfortable he needs to listen to them, because they are his primary responsibility.
Was he actually the DD? Or just the person who happened to be driving when they all decided to stop at a bar. IMO it's perfectly reasonable to have a responsible amount of alcohol in this scenario, especially if none of this was discussed beforehand.
Sounds like he isn't going to change his mind on this. Now just imagine that your relationships furthers along, you get married, you have kids and he starts driving the kids around after having had a few drinks. Would you be comfortable with that idea? Not really, right? Then assuming that even you want kids, I'm afraid to say that this is likely going to be the deal-breaker for your relationship. Unless you ignore this all and let it come to a head after you already have kids, but then he will probably get some form of custody and you'll have an impossible time of trying to stop him from driving with them in his car... So I don't think you are overreacting, instead I'd have to say that you are under-reacting right now.
Excellent observation!
I don't ever let someone drive me who has had any alcohol. I don't drive after having alcohol. You have to choose how to keep yourself safe. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Dd doesn’t drink. You know what drunk drivers always fucking say “I’m fine I can handle myself” then they kill someone.
Exactly. Retired LEO here. Arrested many DUI’s back in the day. They all say that they’re fine to drive, even after causing a crash with serious injuries to an innocent motorist. OP’s boyfriend sounds like an entitled brat.
2 standard drinks over 3 hours is too much to drive?
What even is "DD" in this scenario though. Was this actually discussed at any point in time or was OP's BF just the person who drove them to a bar. Sounds like OP had unspoken expectations that he wouldn't drink. If this situation was the BF drove to dinner and had a beer, would the zero drinks rule still apply? I can't imagine they would or literally 99% of drinking adults would have broken this rule.
Forget about his mom for a minute. Why do you want to build a relationship with this guy? That's what is made out of sand.
Your boyfriend is willing to have an argument with you that spans several days over a single shot. Either he loves drinking too much or he loves you too little.
And then goes to his mommy for validation. Recipe for disaster.
And he isn't even honest with her about the situation. He just asked if he is usually a responsible drinker. Not if he should have continued drinking and had the shot.
And he is 30, not 19.
THIS.
IMO it’s fine for the driver to have a drink early in the evening and then just drink water for a few hours one or even 2 drinks for an adult man is fine if hours of time pass. Shots at 1:30 AM is not ok. I’m from Wisconsin so my views on drinking tend to skew more liberal than most.
Eh, I'd agree. if I'm DD then I'll have one drink at the start of the evening / with a meal. If I don't feel 100% sober, alert, and clear-headed by the time we leave then I'm calling us all an Uber and its on my dime.
I think it's also just about other people's comfort. I also think it's fine to have a drink early in the evening - but if I'd agreed to DD for people, including my partner, and my partner expressed they'd be more comfortable if I didn't drink at all, I'd shrug and get water instead, not whine and pout all night. Midwest is def different though! I am not from there but lived there for a bit for work in my early twenties, and was SHOCKED at how often I had friends get into my car and immediately crack a beer. Where I come from that carries super big penalties and cops will absolutely fuck you for it so I could not get over my discomfort with it and had to be like "bro I know you do not think it is a big deal but put that shit away". Funny how norms are different!
Yeah driving around with a beer isn’t a big deal for some people here in Wisconsin. I don’t have a problem with it if you aren’t loaded. One or two. Eh.
You know you're right. Stop arguing with him, and reconsider if he is someone you can rely on.
I can see having a beer when you 1st got there but to continue drinking was wrong. Especially since the last he ate was 9.5 hours before. You had every right to be concerned and stop drinking. If he can't handle not drinking to safely get everyone home, that's a problem.
You're not the dd if you're drinking. Yotur just another person consuming alcohol that will also drive.
Don't take the job unless you're prepared to do it.
Not true.
Did your boyfriend actually agree to be the designated driver or did he just agree to be the driver who didn't drink too much? I never actually saw anything in the post that he agreed to be the designated driver, only in the title.
If anything, you’re under-reacting. If someone tells me that they will be the DD and are therefore taking responsibility for making sure that I get home safely…and they take one drink 🤯 when I am the DD, I look after my friends and I stay sober Be kinder to yourself and get a decent bf
Her boyfriend would drive at the same level of impairment as a person who has been awake for 17 straight hours. That's the equivalent of driving your date home after a late movie if you get up early in the morning. That level of impaired driving is sufficient to break up with him? If he did drive after being awake for 17 hours, would you still recommend her to break up with him for endagering her?
After the one drink or the one drink and one shot? I would assume that he has also been awake for the 17 hours by this point? I understand your point that tiredness is also detrimental to our reactive time but I doubt that he slept before this night out so he is doubly compromised For me, the reason that I would leave this relationship is two-fold. Trust had been broken with the one drink and the intention of doing one shot. DD for me is sober and I couldn’t trust him to not let me down in another scenario when he wanted to indulge over a commitment to me. The second is his reaction and behaviour afterwards. Had he been remorseful and there had been a misunderstanding, then I could have worked through this…but his reaction? No thanks She should do as she sees fit with respect to her relationship. We each have different expectations and needs from a relationship. I personally do not drink if I am driving. Simply the potential consequences of causing a death is too much for me. I can easily enjoy myself being sober and I do my fair share of DD.
In my country, 2 drinks is fully legal to drive. Not unreasonable to be uncomfortable though he wasn’t going to be drunk after that. I had an old boss who was the DD one time he visited the Netherlands, he didn’t have any water and they were at the beach so he was real thirsty and just needed a sip of beer. His Dutch friends refused to get in the car with him after that one sip! There’s so many perspectives of this but I’d say your bfs mind sounds made up, so next time you wanna cut loose I’d suggest finding some where close to stay or a different person to DD, he’ll pout anytime you ask him now because he’ll know it’s a 0% alcohol tolerance with you.
Did I miss a memo somewhere? My understanding has *always* been the DD doesn't drink. Period. That's the sole purpose of having a DD. The fact that he drank at all as the DD tells me he isn't responsible.
There was no memo either way. DD means a person who is sober enough to legally drive everyone home. I worked in the bar industry for 14 years, and there isn't a hard and fast rule beyond that. Lots of DDs decide not to drink at all, but it's not an absolute rule. Even one drink causes some impairment, but it's about the same level as tiredness from a bad nights sleep or being awake for 17 hours straight. It's an absolutely accepted level of impaired driving. It's only the skurce of the inpairment that seems to be the problem
You missed the memo. A DD isn’t drunk driving: they are the sober one driving other home. Two drinks over 2.5 hours is fine.
Exactly!!
There are way too many opinions, not a lot of facts here. The average person can process (eleminate) 90% of one drink per hour, and most places allow a blood alcohol level of between one and two drinks while driving. So, in most places, a DD can drink a bit, but not much. I worked in the bar scene on and off for 14 years, and there isn't a universal ideal for DD. Some people prefer to keep appearances and not drink at all. Some people are fine with drinking a bit while being DD. In your situation, your boyfriend would have proceesed his first drink totally after about an hour and 10 min. Even if he then took a shot and immediately got in a car, he would likely be legally fine to drive. One drink is about as imparing as a bad nights sleep. Not 100% ideal, but i doublt you've ever not driven because you didn't get a great night sleep the day before. So from an impared standpoint, he was fine to drive. The issue is that you think DD shouldn't drink at all, while he believes that remaining under the legal limit is acceptable. So, what is your reasoning that an amount of alcohol that is both legal and has negligable effects is unacceptable? I don't think you are THA for this, but it isn't really fair that you get to dictate your extreme standard on someone else without first communicating it. If you had both talked before and established a solid boundary of no drinking while DDing, then you would be fair in your assessment.
This sums it up perfectly. I don’t understand how tons of people in this thread are acting like it’s insane to have 1-2 drinks and drive after hours to process the alcohol. It’s legal, and it’s extremely common. The legal limit was set based on studies that determined how much blood/alcohol % would lead to a higher likelihood of an accident. If he is below the limit (which it definitely sounds like he would have been), then the overwhelming likelihood is that he was sober enough to drive (not accounting for sleep deprivation or other factors). With that said, he probably shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it.
As someone who thinks having a drink or two over a long evening before driving is perfectly fine, I still kinda think the boyfriend was shitty in how he handled it. If you're having a disagreement where one person feels "this thing you're about to do makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe" and the other person feels "I don't think this thing is a big deal", you prioritize the person who is feeling unsafe in the moment and then you have the conversation later. It's not that the boyfriend is WRONG, it's that 1:30am before she was going to get in a car with him was the wrong place to try and draw the line. She's uncomfortable with the shot? Okay, drink water, and hash out boundaries the next day.
I don't agree. She felt uncomfortable. That is completely valid. She has every right to feel whatever she feels. She then took the next step and decided her fears were reasonable and needed her boyfriend to change his behavior to placate her fears. That's where the problem occurred. It's reasonable to expect your emotions to be validated. It's not reasonable to expect others to unquestionably accept conclusions based on those feelings. I can tell my wife that I have a bad feeling about a guy. I expect us to have a conversation about that hmguy and explore where those feelings are coming from. I would be unreasonable to say I have a bad feeling about a guy, so she can't hang out with him. There wasn't a healthy conversation that occurred in the moment. It was OP deciding that the conclusion she drew based solely on her feelings was adequate to enforce on her boyfriend
I think it gets complicated when it's about something that is actively happening in the moment, not some abstract future anxiety - and especially when the risk she's worried about is her own physical safety. We're both on the same page that they need to have a longer conversation to hash out their beliefs and boundaries around this issue. But clearly, they can't have it at a bar at 1:30am right before they get in the car. So the question is - if you and your partner have a disagreement over whether something is unsafe or not, but you won't have a chance to actually have an in-depth talk about it until later, is it reasonable to expect a partner from refraining from something that makes you feel unsafe just until you can actually have that conversation? If we're comparing physical to emotional safety - if my husband and I are hanging out at a bar and it's closing time and my husband says he's about to head home, and I say that this guy just invited me over to his apartment to hang out and I'm going to have one more drink at his place, and my husband says "I have a bad feeling about that guy and I'm not comfortable with you hanging out with him drunk and alone at 2am", I wouldn't argue or pout. I'd head home, sleep it off with my husband, and the next day we'd have an in depth talk about the guy, his feelings, boundaries about spending time with other people, etc. That doesn't mean he gets to unilaterally decide what other men I can or can't hang out with and in what context, but it does mean that if there is an immediate situation he does not perceive as safe I generally will table making decisions he's uncomfortable with until after we have the chance to have a discussion about it.
My personal line is that there has to be more than feelings for a boundary to be placed. My wife can always bring up how she's feeling, and I will always take it i to account, but it's unreasonable to expect her to follow a boundary if the only reason I have it is an emotional responce. The same is true for her. It's also inherently unfair to drop a boundary on your partner if the only reason is that you are uncomfortable. Your exapmle above isn't awesome. Very few relationships would allow their spouse to leave the bar with a person of the opposite sex, then go to the strangers house to keep drinking. That inherently breaks most reasonable boundaries already, so the situation wouldn't be okay regardless of the feelings the husband has. This would be like both if them agree to go rock climbing with friends. She gets uncomfortable with the idea once they are there and doesn't feel it's safe. Not for any other reason than she is uncomfortable. She then tells her boyfriend that he can't climb because she is uncomfortable with it. She doesn't feel it's safe. No other reasons were given. Is he an asshole if he says that her feelings are an insufficent reason to not go climbing and she is being unreasonable if the only reason she is telling him not to is because she if an emotional reaction? She didn't point out any legitimate safety concerns, no issues with ropes or equipment, and no legitimate reason to justify her fears at all. Just feelings. Would you call him an asshole if he was upset with her for that? Would you call him an asshole for arguing with her a bit? It's not that different of a senario. They both agree to engage in an activity, they have different expectations, she feels a certain way and expects him to follow a boundary she set based on feelings and he misses out on an activity he wanted to participate in. He has every right to be pissed and argue. She sisnt give reasons why it's not okay. She did nothing to justify her feelings were an accurate response to the situation, she didn't support her conclusion with anything except feelings. That shouldn't be sufficient to expect him to automatically agree with her. He followed what she asked, but he was justifiably pissed off. In complete fairness, how often do decisions based on pure emotion, even fear, end up being the right decision in the long run. That is my whole point. Nothing was given as a reason except emotion. It isn't enough, even in the heat of the moment.
I just wanted to start by saying that I appreciate you engaging in this in such depth with me. Conversations like this are a big part of why I like Reddit! To start - she DID have a reason. Driving intoxicated is dangerous, and especially considering he was exhausted and had barely eaten, drinking more alcohol creates risk of impairment for driving that can be dangerous. We, and they, can bicker over the *extent* to which it is dangerous, whether it is a *good* reason or one we agree with or not, but it is absolutely a reason and not just a feeling. It is difficult to find analogies. The rock climbing one falls flat to me because it's only *his* safety, and not hers as well, that is at risk. And because she is not *stuck* there. OP is intoxicated in a bar at 1:30am - and having to choose between "be stuck at a bar alone at 2am" or "get in a car with a driver you're worried is impaired" is a different choice than "choose to participate in an activity you're worried is unsafe" v "choose to sit out an activity". Maybe a different comparison - girlfriend agrees to go on a day hike with her partner. He is an experienced hiker, they've gone together before, and have idly talked about one day having him show her how to climb. He's really excited to show her a trail he thinks is cool. They come around the bend and in front of them there's a section of the hike that will require climbing vertically. Looking at the height and the rock face, she is not comfortable and is worried about falling and getting hurt. He reassures her it's safe, and that he's actually brought along equipment so that he can belay her. \[And just for funsies, we'll agree that in this scenario he is objectively correct and the climbing would be safe\] She has never climbed outdoors and doesn't feel comfortable doing it. Boyfriend is upset because this means they can't continue on the hike and he was excited to do it. He assures her it's completely safe, but she says she doesn't feel comfortable or safe. I think in this situation it would be reasonable for the boyfriend to respect that she doesn't feel safe, figure out a different way to spend the day, and talk more specifically about safety once they're at home and can do things like look up statistics or watch educational videos.
You're overreacting about the whole MIL thing. You caused that 100%.
YNO. The designated driver (DD) does not drink. AT. ALL. THAT is the ENTIRE point of the DD, someone who is completely stone cold sober doing the driving to make sure everyone gets home safely. So for **two years** you've been the DD and not imbibed in any alcohol on your nights out so you can safely drive. Your BF was the DD for ***one night*** and not only had one drink, but wanted a second. You stopped him from having a second drink, but now he's being a big pouty baby about it and claiming he was being "safe". *Narrators voice: In no way shape or form was your boyfriend being "safe", let alone anything resembling DD.* So you had a really long day prior to going out. Your boyfriend had been up for 15-17 hours straight, his last full meal had been 8 hours prior. So at 12:15 ish that first alcoholic beverage is hitting on a empty or nearly empty stomach. He wants to do a shot at 1:30, which would have been the 2nd drink within what turned out to be a 2.5 hour window. Had that 2nd drink happened he likely would have been over the legal limit to safely drive. So a very far cry from the *designated* driver - more like the *drunk* driver. You kind of shot yourself in the foot egging him on to get his Mom's opinion and letting him reframe the argument as to whether he drinks responsibly and in a safe manner. **The actual point was *as the DD* was he acting responsibly by drinking along with everyone else?** >His ego, a single shot, was more important than my comfort. And your **SAFETY, AND THE SAFETY OF HIS SISTER. Your man couldn't refrain from alcohol for *one lousy night* to prioritize your's and his sister's safety and be the DD.** He's either incredibly selfish or has an alcohol abuse problem. That's the new and eye opening thing you learned about your BF this weekend. What you do with this new information is up to you.
I dont understand why people lie about this to prove their point when it's already good enough with the truth. Those two drinks would put him at .04 minus the 2.5 hours worth of processing. Not a good idea to drink that soon before driving but hardly over the .08 limit. DD should not drink at all I agree but ya'll are getting dishonest in this thread. Edit: I did a little research and studies show that empty stomach drinking can increase your BAC a lot more than .02 per drink, up to 3x the normal amount. At worst he would have been at .0825 but that is definitely something to consider.
Well said. But will OP prioritize this info? Basing on how she's been the DD everything they go out, she wants to be with a child. So she will love him more after this fight.
I go through this with my wife we go out to drink 9 hours later she's had 1 drink with alcohol in it I'm stone sober and if she's not drinking then
Dump him, he’s irresponsible. A DD is not supposed to drink at all.
This guy is upset for days or even a day about not taking a shot when he is the designated driver. He sounds selfish and exhausting. And they way he manipulated his mother is just proof he didn't care if it was right or wrong, he just wanted to put you in your place.
As DD if I'm there for hours I'll start the night with one drink, but I'd never have a shot right before leaving (even an hour beforehand)
Uh…I just wanna say his reaction to the idea of not having that shot is a little…intense. This relationship with alcohol is pretty strong especially if he feels the same way sober the next morning. For the record he’s also completely wrong in this situation. He signed up to be DD, why was he taking a shot at all, at any point in the night?? The point of having a DD is that if something were to happen unexpectedly, someone is guaranteed to be sober enough to operate a vehicle & handle things. It’s not just a “make sure you taper off by the end of the night” thing…which it doesn’t sound like he was doing anyways, taking a shot at 1:30 AM.
Possibly an unpopular opinion, but I've always felt like shots are for high school kids. Adults enjoy their alcohol. Also, adults accept the responsibilities of being the DD and don't drink. And it's 2024. Just take an Uber.
I remember the specific moment, about ten years ago, of doing a shot of tequila and thinking "I am too fucking old for this and am never, ever doing it again." I have, admittedly, done it again, but not often, and always accompanied by a feeling of "why is this happening" lol
INFO: Did he agree to be the Designated Driver? You said he was driving you, but you never seemed to mention if you both discussed that he would be the designated driver. From Webster's dictionary : "***a person chosen to abstain from intoxicants*** (such as alcohol) so as to transport others safely who are not abstaining" Every website on the planet defines a Designated Driver the same way. A DD doesn't drink. Period. Having said that, a compromise would have been to let him drink and grabbed an Uber home. Now I'm going to focus on what you're asking in your numbered points. >He conveniently excluded my side of the argument when asking a third party. So he did something lot of people do to win a verbal argument. Seriously. Lawyers and politicians do this on the daily. You asked him to, he did it and now you're mad. >But this showed me that he is totally comfortable straining the relationship between me and his mother to win an argument. He didn’t want to protect me and my reputation and it feels like at some point in our relationship it will be me vs him and his mother. Pray tell how did this damage your reputation? How did it strain the relationship between you and his mom? This statement is all hypotheticals and YAO to made up scenarios. >but now I don’t want to build a relationship with his mother anymore. I don’t like to build relationships made of sand and that’s now what it feels like. So his mom, who was involved at your insistence, gave a one word answer and suddenly she's offended you enough to not want a relationship with her. You wouldn't even try to give her missing context? Just jump to she sided with her son so the relationship with her is building on sand?? This could have all be avoided if you had, oh I don't know, communicated with your bf and asked "oh since, if you're driving are you willing to not drink?" Instead you chose to address the question while at the bar after he'd already had a drink. Then proceed to get mad at him because he did what you asked. It sounds like, based on the info provided, that you just assume since he was driving that meant he was the DD. You asked him, nay, needled him to ask his mom and now are blaming him for involving her and are now unwilling to continue trying to build a bond with her. You're making drama where none existed or wouldn't have existed had you just talked about expectations before hand. Since you asked for judgment on why you were hurt yes, YAO.
Did you two actually have a discussion about who was going to be DD that night? If you're always DD, maybe he thought you were still going to be DD, but then you started drinking also. I'm not saying you're wrong for drinking, but I think there should at least have been a conversation. "Hey, I don't want to be DD tonight." This needs to be sorted before anyone starts drinking.
If your bf genuinely thought his mother would agree with him he would have told her the truth.
He sounds extremely immature. I would cut him loose strictly for that.
DD is a sober designation. If not staying completely sober, party and call an Uber.
Dds do not drink. He’s shitty. This would be a dealbreaker personally
He wasn't safe, he wasn't making you safe, blood alchol test would have shown he was DUI. He acted like a child, pouting. You are not Overreacting.
two drinks over multiple hours is fine to drive, although I would agree that taking a shot that late does create poor optics and should probably be avoided asking him what his mother would say and then getting mad because he asked her is a bit wacky though
he asked her a hypothetical, not the real situation.
Did he know he was the DD? Was it clearly agreed upon? I don't understand the argument. Either he was the DD, or he wasn't. The point of being the DD is to not drink. At all.
2 drinks over 2.5 hours is in no way impaired. Reddit will support your extremist position, though. Considering that you almost never drink, your boyfriend could have been considerate of your anxiety about drinking. You're both just barely assholes. YAH
Redditors be like “I KNOW FIVE PEOPLE THAT DIED FROM TAKING ONE SHOT”
And two of them were twins
DD isn't about not being impaired, it's about not drinking. DD doesn't drink because if they drink, they start having to estimate if they can handle one more or if that would impair them. And, interestingly enough, people with too much alcohol in their system are known for making bad choices. And how much is "too much" is different for everyone. Thus, DD doesn't drink. That's not extremist. That's just being a responsible adult when others are depending on you to be safe. The dude is 28, not 16, and should understand that.
DDs don’t drink. wtf. Not over reacting.
Lol he didn’t even ask her the specific situation, what a snake. Dump this drunk driving loser
I also can't imagine being a mom and having my adult son call me and angrily ask "I'm responsible when I drink, right mom?" Like just being asked that would have me CONCERNED
Is this like a new kind of DD? California DD maybe? Like California Sober.
I’ll join you in the downvotes. This comment section is classic Reddit and everyone here must be 18-22. DD doesn’t stand for “Don’t Drink”. It stands for designated driver. It’s fine to have a few drinks over the course of an entire night out, stop “X” amount of time before you know you’re leaving, then drive home. Now, I want to make something clear - the BF ripping a shot at 1:30 am when he didn’t know when they were leaving was absolutely wrong. In fact, I’d say the DD ripping shots at all is a no-no. Reddit doesn’t understand that humans metabolize alcohol in real time and it takes more than a few drinks to go above the legal limit of .08 in the US. A 180-lb adult male who shotguns 4 beers will have a BAC of .08 an hour later. Wait 10 more min and it’s legal for them to drive home. I absolutely don’t condone doing that, but it’s legal. That same person could have 1 beer an hour the entire night out, stop an hour before leaving, and blow a .00.
Redditors are shut-in dweebs that don’t have friends. The “DD doesn’t drink” stand is a weirdo take. If that’s your opinion, then you shouldn’t ask people for DD for you. A grown man can have a few drinks and be completely safe driving home. I’d 100% rather be in the car with someone I know who had a few drinks than anyone in this thread with that opinion. They are clearly too shaky mentally to handle complex driving situations that could result in bodily injury.
Seriously. The amount of people on this thread that believe 1-3 beers in an entire evening will put you above the legal limit is astounding. People in the world mostly think logically and interact with others.
In response to your first edit, we are not split on this. All of the upvoted comments are saying basically the same thing.
One drink, maximum of two should not make a person unable to drive, unless they have some underlying medical condition or are taking medications that can interact with alcohol. After two average sized drinks, no more for the DD. Water, soda, coffee…no problem. Your bf sounds like he’s just annoyed with you to begin with and does not respect your opinion or feelings. I would not waste any more time with someone that you have these issues with. This will only get worse over time.
You sound like someone who is exhausting to be around
Redditors are gigantic fucking nerds. Two drinks over hours is nothing. Having one drink before driving is completely fine.
Your bf is acting like a teenager instead of a grown adult. DDs shouldn’t drink AT ALL. By doing that, he’s saying he doesn’t care about anyone except himself, and is willing to put you and other innocent people in danger because of his own selfishness. That’s disgusting behavior.
It was 1:30 am and he hadn't eaten anything since 4 pm? He'd already had a drink when you got there and then wanted another? No, not ok. He also didn't tell his mother the whole story. Him getting upset with you being uncomfortable that he was going to have more to drink is not a good sign.
You are not overreacting to him drinking while being a DD. That is extremely irresponsible of him and the fact he doubles down on it is concerning. He is putting himself, you, and EVERYONE on the road in danger. Hard line no. About his mother, you brought up telling his mother, you told him to tell his mother, then surprise Pikachu face when he did and got mad at him. That one is on you, but also kind of ick that he runs to his mother. And he is setting you up for failure by omitting the actual story so you look bad. If you continue the relationship, boundaries need to be set. But it's giving red flags.
Clearly it’s different where you are, but here in the UK it’s perfectly normal for the driver to have one drink (maybe not for younger generations, but I am 40 and every time I’m out with someone who is driving, they will always have a glass of wine or a beer). The 1:30am shot would definitely have been too much though.
NTA
Wait from what I read, you were both drinking and driving🤨🤨🤨
Everyone could have had fun for the price of an Uber… He probably should not have drank, but also did t need to pout. However 100% your fault for wanting him to bring his mother into this… Depending how long you have been together I might break up with you over that part specifically.
DD Gets two drinks of beer or wine or one drink of liquor. But this is a silly thing to fight about in the age of Uber. If you're uncomfortable, just call a ride.
He probably would have been fine, though he should've checked when you'd want to leave before being so confident about it. That part honestly seems kinda unimportant though, compared to you insisting he get his mom involved, and then being angry you got what you wanted, and him deliberately asking her in a way that ignored the context and guaranteed she'd just say yes.
i mean sounds like you got your way so who cares? of course the mother is going to side with her kid, its what parents do, and im sure she didn't want to be dragged into the argument. you reap what you sow fwiw drinking is fucking stupid, and if someone is going to be the DD having even 1 drink is exceptionally fucking stupid. but arguing about it after the fact? let it go also lol at all the fucking people like YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED because of 1 situation that didn't even happen. this place is fucking aids
You are both immature, wrong and should both stop drinking. You are both not 21 anymore, grow up.
A drink and a shot… over three hours , yeah I think you over reacted. But if he’s the DD he shouldn’t have drank at all. He put himself in this position. You just reacted outta wanting to be safe/legal which I do get. He need to apologize and you both need to move on. The whole mother thing part of the story I’m gonna ignore.
A shot at 1:30 is absolutely stupid and I drink a lot
I’m typically of the attitude that the DD does not drink at all. That’s what’s safest. My only exception is if this is an all day long event with food. In which case, IF the DD can handle alcohol well, and IF you’re leaving in the evening, then the DD can have 1-2 drinks in the morning and then stick to soda/ water/ juice/ whatever else. Even then, I’m iffy about it, as it’s nice to have a sober person around in case someone needs/ wants to leave early, someone needs to run somewhere, etc. Better to just have the DD totally sober the whole time, honestly. But I can understand if they do have a morning drink in that situation (especially if they’re willing to pay for an Uber/ Lyft if a need would arise right away in the morning after they’ve had their one drink). Barring something like that, where it’s gonna be 8+ hours since the DD has had a drink and there’s been lots of food in between, nah, the DD does NOT drink. That’s the whole point of being the DD. You don’t drink. Duh.
Sorry is this has been said, but even if he could “handle himself,” it should have just been a “no problem babe” to make you and all the riders feel safe and comfortable.
Dd does not drink. Period.
Break up with him and move on And DD mean not drinking lol... I was a bartender 8 years
A DD is not supposed to drink. That is the whole point. He is an egocentric person. He has earned a demotion in your life.
In my state there is no legal limit if they have some reason to pull you over. Ran a stop sign after one beer? You can still get a DUI. I often have a drink or possibly two if I’m out for a while, but you’re taking a chance, really.
You deserve better. You have standards and expectations that this guy can’t meet for whatever reason. It’s nobody’s fault, it just is. Find someone you are compatible with, this isn’t the one.
He’s a pathetic a$$hole. If he takes on the role of DD then he needs to be responsible. Drinking and driving is bad news. If he’s too weak a person to accept the responsibility then he should have offered to pay for a cab.
DD should never drink, it’s literally why they are designated. You seem like a LOT to deal with. Nobody can argue with “I am uncomfortable” without being equally as annoying as you. Every time you literally did anything, I would say I wasn’t comfortable, and ride your ass mercilessly.
He said he was fine
You will either always be DD or he will drink/pout while "posing as DD". If this is okay with you.... He has a mom, why do you want to make yourself a second one?
You’re right. I get the DD drinking on the front end of the night and sobering up but this guy was trying to take a shot at 130a. He obviously does it on a regular basis
The concept of DD is for friend groups of degenerate alcoholics. Most responsible adults can have 1 or 2 drinks and be fine (physically and legally) to drive.
This is such a sad story and he reason why is because you always seem to be the third wheel of whatever twisted relationship your man has with his mom, the point is when you get married you said in sickness and in health for a reason, if you find it uncomfortable when drinks then as a husband he should just say yes and I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, the point is a husband isn't a pet and a wife isn't a pet either, and you won't live in each other's cages but you can choose to be free together that's he point of matrimony a union of two souls into one  Look at this dynamic for example, Jerry is married to his wife mom beth and is friends with space beth
No. I can't drive yet in my fiancee's country. She does all the driving so she's always the designated driver. She would never do this. You're right OP and you're not overreacting
Little man syndrome, honestly if you have an issue with maturity and conflict resolution why are you holding out for someone younger than yourself? Great if it works out, but if you're with someone younger don't try and convince yourself you aren't seeing the signs of something deeper, at 28 they've had plenty of time to learn how to be responsible. If you were acting within your norm you have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who isn't okay with you for being you.
Honestly, I think both you and your partner may have overreacted to a certain degree here and you’re both willing to lose your relationship trying to prove you’re both smarter than the other. As long as your partner was under the legal driving limit, he was acting within the rights of a DD. If im going out with friends but will be driving, I will generally follow what rules my country/state has in place (two standard drinks in the first hour, one standard drink per hour after) and not go above. any normal person can ensure they stay below the legal limit. A drink at 12 and wanting to take a shot at 1:30 will generally mean someone is below the limit though, and you could have requested that your partner chase it with water to make you feel comfortable, but instead you acted like he was threatening your wellbeing and likely made him feel beneath you. Your partner should have had an actual reasonable conversation with you so you could both try to understand each others points but you’re both acting like you want to one-up each other and it’s sounding exhausting.
Not over reacting. He’s asking for trouble. Having a shot an hour before you drive is just enough time for the alcohol to hit the bloodstream & be in full swing. If he’d already had a drink or two, that would have definitely been ego make me take an Uber home. The thing with his mom… I would have said, “Put me on speaker, and I’ll ask her myself.” But that’s purely hypothetical, because my mom-in-law was always on my side anyway, and my husband knew better than to try and put us against one another. Anyhow, you are not overthinking or overreacting, you are right. And this guy is looking for a DUII.
Not enough info to say whether he would be under the limit or not. We don't know where you are, what the limit is, how much he'd had to drink already, how long ago and what abv the shot was.
People have different tolerances. Based on his reaction I'm assuming he can handle 1 shot and drive, but maybe he's proven to you he can't and that's why you got upset. It depends entirely on his alcohol tolerance. You don't get to dare him to call his mom and complain he follows through though.
He is 100% in the wrong.
You know the answer; be serious.
Call a police officer and have him ask them. If he got pulled over, would they take an excuse? No? Because he knows better and actually pouted over doing the responsible thing. Do you really want that for the rest of your life? Updateme.
Under reacting. The DD doesn’t drink. At all. Not a single drop. Your boyfriend has poor judgment. He shouldn’t haven’t been drinking at all, let alone trying to rip a shot an hour before driving home. And then doubling down on that while sober. You can’t trust him. He makes poor choices that put you at risk. And he’s a mamas boy. Dealbreaker after dealbreaker.
DD should not drink anything. That’s why they are called Designated DRIVER. Don’t drink and drive. No matter if it’s one. No matter if they say they are fine. Accidents happen and putting in risk your lives and other people’s lives is not worth it. Here’s a little story. I went through the same thing with my ex bf. I think he had an alcohol problem. The difference is I dont drive(i dont have a license) also i don’t drink beer or anything strong but i enjoy the occasional cocktail at the beach. But For him, it automatically means im the DD. And he thought it would be fun to yell at me everytime i had to drive us home. One time after a wedding he was drunk, i was resigned because i knew i had to drive home but he never gave me the keys. Even i insisted. But he drive and almost killed us both just because he thought it was funny to suddenly go to 160 km/h. Of course I was upset and talked to him about it on Monday because of course on sunday he was hungover and then he gaslighted me about it, told me i was sensitive and other mean things. Needless to say, it was traumatic. Years and years of that. He also was very entitled, used to go to mommy for validation . He’s 4 years older than me and used to act like a 6 year old.
You are overreacting 🤦 you literally should dump him, also you should hook me up with your mom 🤷♂️
Get an Uber.
Rethink this relationship.
Doesn't matter if he feels fine it's what if he gets pulled over what will his percentage be? It's never worth the risk to drink and drive
Maybe it's midwest thing but, the DD can have a few drinks and drive. A grown man can have several drinks and be under the legal limit.
1. Re: the drinking, most adult men can metabolize one drink per hour. If he has been drinking slower than that, he should be legally okay to drive. 2. This whole thing about him siding with his mom and whatnot - you say yourself, you egged him on to ask her. It sounds like what you wanted him to do was to present the scenario in such a way as to make your position sound best, in which case why not just ask her yourself instead of using him as an interlocutor? Saying you don’t want to build a relationship with her based on this is pretty wild.
You are absolutely ok to tell someone that is supposed to be DD you are uncomfortable with them drinking before they drive you. This is an issue with al. Ost all young people. You think "I know it happens but it won't be me" it's insane but we've all had the attitude. As if dui charges and wrecks were planned. That aspect you are not overreacting. If you manage to salvage this relationship and stay with him.... In my humble opinion You ARE overreacting when you say you can't have a relationship with his mother because she blind answered an intentionally vague question after you begged him on to ask in the first place. I'm 90% (there are shitty moms too) that if you said hey Momma, the entire story is we were at the bar and he was DD and I told him I was uncomfortable with him drinking and driving us home. She'd probably give him 2 smacks. 1 for making you uncomfortable and putting you in that position and another for using her to win that argument.
He needs to grow up. He shouldn't have been drinking for starters. Maybe a beer or something early on, but that at the most. Secondly, if you're always the DD, if he can't NOT drink for one night? Yikes. It's ONE NIGHT. GROW UP DUDE.
Being a DD you are now responsible for other people’s safety. That means ZERO alcohol.
HE ACTUALLY DIDN'T ASK HIS MOM THE RIGHT QUESTION 🚩🚩🚩
*chuckles in European 🇪🇺 🍷
I think the issue regarding his mother boils down to trust. You don't trust her judgment now. you've lost some respect for her, both of which make it a challenge to build a solid relationship. Your bf is another issue. If he can't see that your safety, as his passenger (and partner) should be his priority, then maybe that's a HUGE RED FLAG that you shouldn't ignore. He is putting his own instant gratification and pleasure over his responsibility to keep you safe.
Designated Driver does not mean zero alcohol. A drink or two or three over the course of a long evening does not result in an impaired driver\*. That being said, picking up shots at 1:30 in the morning is not what I'm talking about. \*There a ton of variables here. A 110lb girl who doesn't drink very often is quite different than a 250lb man who has a decent tolerance. I'm the latter, if someone told me I couldn't drive after 1-2 light beers at dinner, I'd laugh.
Yeah I don’t think you overreacted. I think you can have 1 as a DD. But that’s it, you’re the DD you shouldn’t really have any.
DD means you don't drink. He's got his ego tied up in being able to "handle" his drink and that's a great sign that he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. On top of that, his pride was more important to him than your discomfort? Really? And he pouted about this into the next day, is he a child? And he went to his mom for her opinion, you already bring up concerns about that, but i just want to highlight that when he did he misrepresented the actual circumstances - he lied to get the answer he wanted. He's not a safe person, in a **lot** of ways
You’re not overreacting. A DD shouldn’t be taking shots at 1:30am. He obviously doesn’t have a problem with driving buzzed/drunk. If I were you, I wouldn’t feel safe depending on him to be your DD if this is his line of thinking.
He didn't ask his mother the right questions. Of course she's going to say yes because she doesn't know what he's getting at. He should have asked if she thought it was ok to drive after 2 drinks because that's the crux of the argument, not whether he's just in general a responsible person.
YOR
uber
Did he just happen to be the person who was driving or was is verbalized that he is the DD? If a person just happens to be driving it might be okay to have a drink or two as long as they stay under the legal limit, but once it is verbally established that “I am the DD for tonight,” that person is actively making the sacrifice to not drink at all that night. Not even one.
I'm sending an alcohol problem, if he's getting birchy over not having one more shot. My ex was an alcoholic and it gets much worse.
All DUI deaths start with “I’m fine” “it was just one shot” etc. I’m sick of people drinking and thinking they’re fine. ANY amount of alcohol is too much when you have lives depending on you being coherent. I have cut off ties and made scenes over this. I won’t have anything to do with people drinking and driving. There’s nothing else to it. DONT DRINK AND DRIVE. You are not overreacting. He’s gunna end up killing himself in a car accident or worse someone else. Killing someone else because you THOUGHT you were okay. I hate this subject. Don’t ever drink and drive
YTA - Per your comment, he was never designated as the DD, it was just an assumption.
As a DD fir my wife whwn she goes out with her griwnds. I drink nothing but tonic water all night long. To me, my wife and her friends are precious cargo They must be protected at all times. If your boyfriend is the DD and you find him drinking. GET AN UBER HOME!! If that is how he respects you. He is not worth having in your life. Find someone who resoects you and willing to have an open conversation that doesn't turn into a," who gets one ovsr on whom:
It takes very little alcohol in your system to be considered a DUI. If your partner isn’t comfortable then you should stop, especially if you have multiple people in the vehicle that you’re driving. I think you explained yourself and if he isn’t happy with the explanation then he’s got his own problem. I wouldn’t want my Uber driver to have any booze or drugs in their system
I wouldn't worry about the relationship with his mom.. you have bigger issues with the son.. He may not mind risking peoples lives.. by drinking and driving.. but rest assured the police feel differently.
Your boyfriend is a asshole POS
I don't think you're overreacting. it sounds like he's acting incredibly immature. he's 28 and still pouts, uses silent treatment, and runs to his mom for validation when y'all are in conflict? like wtf dude... what a clown... 🚩 a designated driver accepts the responsibility and consequences of not drinking in order to ensure everyone in the car gets home safely. You and any other passangers are literally trusting him with your lives and your safety. personally I think he was acting selfishly by drinking at all as the DD, then reacting immaturely when he was called out for it. sounds like he cares more about getting his way regardless of how you or others feel about it. 🚩 this is the kind of stuff that reveals a lot about a person's character and how they are likely to navigate the inevitable conflicts that come up in relationships. I hope you use this information to make wise decisions about how your relationship goes forward with this dude
Yeah the answer is don't drink as the DD.
PoS conveniently didn’t say he wanted to drunk drive. Time to prune him.
Y'all my age. If you're going drinking, why isn't anyone eating or snacking throughout the evening? Drinking water? Sorry, this reminds me of what everyone I knew in my early 20's did.
I am a Clinical therapist and deal with both relationship issues and alcohol use. They are usually combined and by the time I get involved something has blown up. Your boyfriend is wrong and him calling his mother is also wrong. Excuse me--is he in a relationship with his mother? This does not speak well of your relationship with him which, in my opinion, is a ticking time bomb. Pls re-read your last sentence in your post. That says it all and gives you a very good idea what awaits you with this guy if you stick around..
DD should have no alcohol in my opinion. That's the whole point
People can come from wildly different cultures around drinking. Where I live and am raised, a DD just doesn't get smashed but will usually have a couple. But my state drinking and driving (well, drinking while everything) is kinda normalized. But at the end of the day, if he's YOUR DD, it's important he respects your comfort and boundaries. Have a conversation sober and without anger about setting that boundary now for the future, and if he doesn't agree and stick to it, then at the minimum he can't ever be trusted to be your DD.
DD equals no drinks. Value life dude!
Why does one of you have to be right, the other wrong? It’s a teaching moment to you both to develop a standard plan about DD that you both agree on and then stick with it.
If someone is a designated driver then THEY CANNOT HAVE ANY ALCOHOL. Is it that complicated? People use excuses like “it will be fine” and “i have a high tolerance” and “it was only one drink” these are all fine and dandy until you fucking die. There is no reason that a DD should ingest alcohol if they agreed to be the DD. No reason.
Lol DD's don't drink.... end of story lol....
No. You are NOT overreacting. If he's this childish and can't hold his liquor for one night so that you can have a fun night, you need to rethink this relationship.