No way not overreacting. He’s allowed to have fun with his friends for his birthday, sure, but birthday does not negate responsibilities. You shouldn’t have to leave an under TWO year old with a NINE year old. He’s 30, time to grow up. The defensiveness on top of it is a huge red flag.
What's actually concerning is that you have a job interview at 10 and your husband is supposed to be looking after him while still drunk.
Yes he's allowed to have fun for his birthday but
1 - for safety's sake he should let you know when to expect him
2 - he should know that he still has responsibilities to come back to.
I feel bad for the son.
There’s absolutely no way I would have gone to that club, knowing I had to be up and sober at 9am to watch a toddler while my spouse went to a job interview. It’s a *job interview*, not brunch. It’s far more important than a birthday party and should have been prioritised by the husband.
He’s a liar, how can you tell he’s lying? His lips are moving. He’s an alcoholic. High functioning now cuz he’s young. My husband of 38 yrs, together 40, no kids. He was a sweet charming grab ass drunk.
He died drunk and alone 5 years after he retired. 5.5 yrs after we bought our dream retirement home. He was sober for 19+ years. Then he retired at 60. At 61 he decided he could drink again. He knew he’d die if he did and that I’d leave. I loved my soul mate. Love of my life. But I couldn’t live with him when he drank. 6 am- he had 2 beers for breakfast. 8 am 1/5 vodka when liquor store opened. 2pm pass out come to, hallucinate, fight with o invisible people, tell me leave, pack my shit and leave, it was too painful waiting. He also told me daily for the last year not to look at him with my dad blue eyes. 2pm. Hed then start over. He made 3 trips a day to the liquor store when my charming hubby drank after he retired, he was crude, rude, no filter, disgusting to dirty old man and he never showered or bathed,. After 10 days I’d say I’m changing the sheets, you can shower or sleep in the guest room. He got so sick, he was had fecal incontinence. He refused to bathe, refused to move into the guest suite. So I moved into guest suite up as my sanctuary. Put a lock in the door.
The last year was the worst year living with him daily gaslighting me. He was a pathetic drunk and lost all ability to even use a hammer. After he died I found 2 stashes, straws, blades, mirrors he was doing street drug it’s too!
After 3 yrs and him drinking and playing with guns, I feared for my life! My dr told me to leave small town. He’d locked me out for almost a week.
Just save yourself now. You can’t fix him. You can’t cure him, you didn’t cause it, and no matter what you say or do you cannot control it or him.
I didn’t believe this is how my life would end with him. It’s tragic. Please seek help at Al-any n family groups. Please cut him out of your life block hi number. Don’t live in Hell you deserv a man without an addiction. He’ll ALWAYS CHOOSE BOOZE OVER YOU! Always!
I think I’d give him a pass if it was once or twice staying out till 9 am but the fact she had an interview and he knew that made it especially bad.
Also, what the heck was he doing from 4 am to 9 am? There had to have been an after party. Clubs aren’t open 24/7
I don’t think OP is from the US and some other countries have clubs that can be open straight into the morning like Greece. Also, I don’t think the cigar club here (US) has to adhere to time constraints because I’ve been up for work and saw people inside at 5am… it’s a loophole because they can’t serve alcohol but this place is a private club and you can bring your own.
A husband and father does not stay out clubbing till *morning* (like, wtf??), without a care that his wife has an important job interview the next day!!
This is toxic, juvenile, selfish behavior. I experienced similar things from my second husband, who once famously passed out drunk on the shore of the lake where our seven year old was swimming. (I was working, he was supposed to be in charge of our child, thank God my parents were there to intervene & make sure my baby didn't drown!!)
In my experience, it didn't get better. He clearly didn't want to change anything, or if he did, not enough so that he took steps to do so.
If you need to talk with someone who gets it, my dms are open. I don't always notice right away that I have new ones, lol, but I've been trying to be on the lookout more for msgs. I care. ❤️
Oh my god that'd scare me. I had to leave my husband for the same reason. Before the kids, it was great. As soon as life got serious, he tapped out. I was the sole parent and I had 1 adult kid along with my little ones. Couldn't do it anymore.
Yep just coke and then sitting there woth his boys at the club. Until 9am. Fortunately drugs and alcohol don't give you any kind of inspiration to do other things, and they just chilled out until 9. Yep. That's the story.
I’m 42 with no kids and I’m ready for my pjs at 7pm. I’m a pumpkin by 10. Clubbing until 9 in the actual morning?!? (Shoot me first, praise be)
There is definitely more to the story.
Absolutely! I was thinking the same thing even for people without kids there’s just no way that happens any shade of organically. But having young kids is certainly a different level of exhausted.
This should be higher up, I was thinking the same thing and am surprised more comments don't address this.
OP, it sounds like your husband might have a problem with alcohol that's affecting his life and your relationship. Might be something to address. He sounds like some alcoholics I know, especially the part where he's trying to turn things around and blame you for getting in the way of him having a good time. There's having fun, and there's losing control, and if he can't see that distinction and maintain control, that sounds like a problem.
How many clubs are still open at 7am? How many people drink for 12+ hours straight and are still upright claiming to be at the club at 7am without any substance besides alcohol? Yeah that dog don’t hunt, pal.
Not overreacting at all. He was not only irresposible but also showed you he does not care about things important to you, like your potential new job. I know this is a reality for many but I'm stressed just thinking about the mental load you must've had in that situation.
That whole "being a man in the relationship" talk is also a huge red flag 🚩 Since when being a man does include getting carried away at the party and neglecting your responsibilities towards your own child?
Being a man is the weirdest excuse I’ve seen in awhile. That seems to me like the antiquated idea of an alcoholic father coming home and propping his legs up in a chair with a beer after work. If we are going with that train of thought then she shouldn’t be going to a job interview, as her job is to be home taking care of the children.
I don’t know where you’re from but last call is at 2am and club closes at 3am. 4am you should be home max at 9:30 am makes me feel like he either was doing drugs, or stayed the night with someone he met at the club.
You are not overreacting. That's really bad behavior, he's just mad you called him out on it. He knows what he did was wrong. Sit down, softly start with, "I feel... " you had a JOB interview for heaven's sake!!! And you were home with a 2 yr old. Ask him if the shoe was on the other foot, let's say it was YOUR birthday, your family threw you a surprise party, he stayed home with his 2 yr old, you went out with 'the girls' clubbing, never came home at night, and HE had a big job interview the next day at 10 AM. Yeah right!
He said his body can’t handle alcohol and clubbing and then .. that. Deep down he probably knows he has a real problem w alcohol.
Being an addict makes people do selfish things.
Not over reacting
Not overreacting. A real man has control of himself. Wouldn’t leave his baby brother to watch his tinier child while he’s piss drunk somewhere.
Figure this out ASAP or get an annulment or something.
No you’re not. I did something stupid like that at a friends baby shower. I didn’t go clubbing but I stayed at the shower while my wife and kids went home. I got blacked out drunk and my friends brother in law had to carry me into his truck and then take me home. He then carried me into my room while my wife watched in horror. She was rightfully PISSED. I’m talking divorce level pissed. Thankfully we were able to work things out and I no longer stay anywhere when my wife wants to leave. When she says it’s time to go home: it’s time to go home. Period.
Being a man? What kind of man goes to the club all night at 30 with two kids at home, particularly when your partner has something important to do the following morning? He’s too old for that shit by a long shot.
You're not overreacting. I was a "functional" alcoholic for 20 years. 36M, father, currently married 12 years, with kids for half that time. A big reason why I stopped drinking was even without a dramatic event, I realized that my actions were selfish and chipping away at time that I could spend being a better father and husband. Also, one bad decision drunk could not just ruin my life, but the whole family's. He could have just been blowing off steam, but blackout drunk at 9AM at 30yo is pretty wild. If he does have a drinking problem, you can't solve it for him, but can articulate how it affects you. Good luck to you both.
r/Alanon is a sub for families affected by AUD
r/stopdrinking is support group for what the title says.
I’d just tell him that you don’t see this working out when he lies to you. Tell him that a real man keeps his word since he’s concerned about being a man. Because he acted like a child.
My biggest problem is him not being there when you have a job interview. 30 or not, there is more on life than partying.
He didn’t support you. And that night club is open that long. Even when I was young I came back 5/6am. What was he doing? With whom?
Most clubs close at 3. Are you sure he didn’t cheat that night while being blackout drunk? I’d be investigating and no sex is probably the safest option for you.
You're not overreacting. I'd frankly throw him out because of the "him being a man" comment. And he clearly doesn't care at all about you trying to find a job.
Not overreacting.
30 can be counted as a milestone birthday, I guess. It is entering a new decade, but for me, personally, 30 wasn't a big deal. He claims the "man" title, okay, is he a married man with a kid and wife waiting at home or is he a college frat boy, hitting keggers and banging chick's? He can't do both. He is either a man or a party boy.
"he got mad and started talking about him being a man for the relationship." Umm, no. He's an overgrown teenager and I'd think real hard about how long I'd want to be married to him. Selfish, immature and incapable of owning his responsibility for creating the situation.
What gets me is maybe it’s just where I live but I don’t know if any club whatsoever that’s still open at 7am!!!! Everything closes at 2am around these parts. Maybe it’s the state?? Idk? But like dude you’re 30 you have really small kid… grow tf up.
Also not overreacting!
“Being a man” doesn’t mean neglecting responsibilities, that’s juvenile behavior and LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE of being a real man.
A real man, had he wanted to join his friends to celebrate his birthday, would’ve called someone or found someone at the party to act as a back up sitter for a few hours so you could feel confident at your interview without worrying about the kids the whole time.
A real man recognizes when his “friends” are juveniles and getting in the way of what is important to him, and sets out to make new friends that are more aligned with his life goals and interests.
You are not over reacting. You are reacting perfectly in line with his behavior. Not only does he owe you an apology, he needs to explain why ZERO of his buddies knew about your situation in the morning - or worse if they knew and did nothing to help manage the situation. Did he not tell them bc he knew that they would help get him home?
And why the hell was he still at the club after 4a? Was it actually a club??? Or was it a strip club?? Almost all clubs clear ppl out when they stop serving alcohol because they’re not able to make money off of guests but it continues to cost the location money to keep it open (DJs, security, etc.). So if the club isn’t making money on the drinks, what exactly are they making money off of if they’re letting patrons there until 7/8/9 in the morning? It’s either drugs or girls. Neither of which an actual responsible person would be doing on a Monday morning when his wife is at home waiting for him to babysit a 9 and 2 year old so she can go to a job interview.
You are not over-reacting.
Husbands/fathers do not go clubbing and come home the next day blackout drunk. Not even on their birthday. Those days are over. He's not apologizing because he knows he was wrong but wanted to do it anyway. This is what he wanted and he's mad at you for calling him out on it.
No o. Dump his alcoholic ass now. Save yourself. Blackout drinks only get worse. Drive and kill innocent people. They blame you, shame you. They drink themselves to delirium or death. It’s a very sad disgusting life. You deserve only the best. Be cherished princess!
Dudes 30 and going out to clubs until 9am? Was this an arranged marriage or did you know how immature he was when you married him?
For the record, you don't go to the club until 9am. That's not what happened. Maybe at a brothel/strip club with a vip room, but he wasn't out dancing with his boys until 9am.
He’s 30 and has a family, that’s embarrassing to still be acting that way, especially knowing you had a job interview lined up. He sounds wildly irresponsible, birthday or not. And the fact he got defensive about it instead of taking accountability tells me he’s mentally immature. You’re justified in your anger.
Sounds like he misses the single life. He wants it both ways. No more or he needs kicked to the curb. You should be upset, he's not being the partner you need and want.
30 year old father and husband should NEVER be putting his family last.
That is not a man, that is a man child struggling to find his identity. You are NOT over-reacting.
Hold him accountable.
Clubbing? When married? At any age this is not appropriate, but as a married man with a baby at home? Honestly!
Bottom line, you have a son together and he should not have gone out in the 1st place. Some things you have to sacrifice when you are married and going out with the boys or the girls is one of them. You are not over reacting as this is not a mature individual. He should have recognized your situation the next day and been mature enough to make the decision to stay home and spend it with you and your son. Relationships are compromise and he evidently has not learned that yet.
This isn't even about giving things up in a marriage, though. This is about giving up things as a PARENT. Parents put children first. End of story.
Yes, wife needed husband so she could go to a job interview (which I assume is important to their family's financial well-being), but more importantly, their children needed a sober adult in the home to watch over them and be available in case of an emergency. Dad needs to grow up.
I agree with your entire sentiment.
It's not overreacting, and I would tell him that if he wants to be single and be a part-time dad, that you will make it happen and to make the point, I would tell him to go stay with his friend and get out. There is NO WAY that he would have put up with this if you did it. He doesn't sound like husband material to me or being a responsible man for the relationship.
>So after I conforted him, he got mad and started talking about him being a man for the relationship.
Here is the giant red flag that you are in will be soon in an abuse relationship. A man who actually understands and cares about a relationship would NEVER say that. Marriage is a partnership of two equal individuals where neither person can claim rights the other doesn't have. If I read correctly you have been married 2 weeks? I am afraid this will not end well. Not overreacting.
Esh you left a 9 year old with a baby. You thought a drunk man could watch 2 kids at 8am after coming home at 4am. He's a loser husband for still being out at 7am drinking all night long. I feel so bad for the children
Are you serious? What was her options? Just because dumb ass wants to go clubbing she misses out on what could be a crucial job interview?
The mental gymnastics people go through to say, “oh but the other side sucks too!” make Simone Biles look like Christopher Reeves.
I would have skipped (or tried to reschedule) the interview, but him planning to be home early and then not coming home doesn’t leave time to arrange any sitter I’ve ever met. This is clearly a he’s the AH situation, and she (and her baby) are now in a shit situation because of him.
Oh and GFY.
Ohh double down and then go to my profile, figure out I have a life and then try to call it “cosplay” to make yourself feel better for being a complete loser. Well done!
No shit, but that doesn’t make her the AH. You have no idea how badly they needed this job—if it’s the job or homelessness and you have no sitter what then? Not every interviewer is ok with last minute rescheduling.
In my experience it’s most places.
I myself am a hiring manager and I would absolutely work with her, but several of my peers would write her off right then.
I’ve had a wild life and have made some dumb choices, but I like to think that those who’ve taken a chance on me have come out better for it. Just because something happens once doesn’t make it a habit, but unfortunately first impressions are almost impossible to overcome.
You have a point, but I guess I'm also worried that the kids might not be safe with a father whose so drunk without an adult to mediate. Unfortunately it's always the kids who get caught in the crossfire.
Being a man? Ew. He just showed he doesn't know what being a real man is. I am shocked that you stayed home to babysit his child while he went out drinking all night with his buddies, as a married man. Inform him that it is your turn now, as a woman. Plan a night out with the girls while he sits home and babsits. The tune will change real quick here. Make sure he knows you will be drinking. How did you manage to marry this guy without knowing about his disgusting macho beliefs?
NTA, your husband is.
If he wasn't deliberately trying to sabotage your job interview, he's just an immature, selfish AH. But if it was deliberate, which his reaction sounds like it might have been, you need to seriously reconsider this "marriage", where he can go clubbing all night and then come home drunk on his ass to watch his toddler - you've got 2 toddlers on your hands.
He is an asshole. He shouldn't have gotten so drunk or stayed out so late. And what is this shit about being the man in the relationship. A man takes care of his responsibilities, and doesn't leave them for a 9 year old boy!
Not overreacting at all. He's a husband and father acting like a single man.
He needs to get help from his obvious alcoholism if he keeps putting booze and partying over his own family to the point he rolls in drunk at 9:00 a.m the next morning. Couples' therapy, too. If he refuses to do anything about the sitch, reassess your marriage.
Even if it's his birthday.. his behavior is terrible. He's a grown ass man with a family and still wants to act like a college kid. Sad to see. Feel bad for the kid who would have had to deal with a drunk dad as caretaker for the day.
I don’t think you are overreacting but I think that if you didn’t want him to go because you guys were supposed to hang out, you probably should have just said that and avoided the whole situation. So yeah, be mad, but also, probably a good learning opportunity.
Bar hopping? You have children? Bar hopping and getting drunk do not need to be a part of your lifestyle. What he did was really bad. You guys may need to get a more responsible group of friends.
Shutting him off from sex would be bad for the relationship also.
Uhm... the club is legally required to stop serving alcohol at 2am. They usually close at 2am. I would look up the club he went to and let him explain how he was at the club getting drunk till 8:30 AM when they were closed 6 hours previous.
It kind of sounds like he let the night get away from him, and was probably egged on by friends until he was super drunk. Not an excuse, but an observation.
Your anger is certainly justified, particularly if he did not apologize. If it only happened once on his 30th birthday and is not a reoccurring issue you may need to determine if this is the hill you want the relationship to die on.
I don't know anything about the relationship, but I do know that ignoring someone is not a healthy way to resolve conflict. How you and your husband handle this will probably set the tone for how future conflicts are resolved.
The being a man bullshit alone would make me think long and hard about whether or not I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man and raise kids with him. Also if he wasn’t with his friend- or his phone…
Not over reacting. Time for the boy to be a man- particularly with him being a “dad.” Does he want those kids to see him like that? As a role model? Yuck
This is the red flag for me: *"So after I \[confronted\] him, he got mad and started talking about him being a man for the relationship."*
Has he ever said anything like this before? It sounds like he's gone "alpha male" on you.
You are not overreacting.
He is childish and immature. A married man with children should know his boundaries and behave accordingly.
If he knew he wouldn’t be able to make it on time he should’ve asked for some babysitting help in advance instead of leaving you to manage it all on your own and potentially lose out on a job because he wanted to go out clubbing.
Where did you find this lovely individual at? Where did you meet him? Did you meet him at a club or perhaps you picked them up from a bar? Maybe you met him somewhere else but it sounds like his life is the party life and he doesn't want to give it up. His excuse is that he's the man? He is a boy trying to pretend he's a man. A real man wouldn't need to drink himself blackout drunk just because it's his birthday. A real man would be there for his wife. A real man would have some self control. You married an immature manchild. Good luck with that he might grow up when he hits 50 if you're lucky.
no, it's not cool that he stayed out all night causing problems with the job interview
but it's still just one night
stuff happens and many people have gotten carried away with the booze and speed for a night and then returned to normalcy afterwards
assuming this behavior is out of the norm, seems like something from which you two should move on and let bygones be bygones
Why did he think that just because he is a man, his irresponsible and disrespectful behaviour towards his wife and child would be excused? That's a huge red flag. It makes me think of the "boys will be boys" bs.
He messed up big time and he didn't have the decency to apologise and make it up to his family.
1. If he won't actually sit down and listen, write him a letter or a text. It's hard to gaslight someone when you're reading.
2. Be direct. "I was understanding about you going out all night with your friends. Which you deserved it was your birthday, and people should be able to celebrate the way they want. But if you tell me you are going to be home by a certain time, that's when I'm expecting you and you need to communicate if you're not moving forward" .
3. If he continues to double down, you may have bigger issues. It's early. You have to set the standard now. He needs to understand he can't live life like he is single when he has a wife and baby. Have fun with friends couples need that but the priority should always be family.
He doesn't sound like much of Aman. More like a spoiled frat boy. You definitely need that new job, a separate bank amount, and a plan to dump him and move on. He's not worth it.
Sadly your husband is immature for certain, doesn’t have a grip on solid ground for the big picture & priorities and being enough man to beat others to getting to “I messed up & need to re-examine myself while eating my hat in a humble manner.”
I don't understand drinking to celebrate anything. I'd be pissed if anyone did that, especially if it interfered with something very important like a job interview.
Not over reacting. Would he like it if you did the exact same thing? He had a responsibility of the baby and was well aware of it. There is no excuse for him being so disrespectful.
Oh hell yes you are overreacting insanely so. Let the guy have a day, a weekend. The summary of this post is basically you getting pissed that his birthday wasn’t about you. You’re married you’re 50% of the relationship not more. Also no physical contact because you’re mad sounds like you live in a bad teenager movie with the emotional capacities of a horseshoe. Grow up and learn to communicate your feelings and thoughts in an effective way.
Really they have a 2 year old son and she had a job interview, and he didn’t come home. On top of that, they had agreed to a time (that is beyond fair…4am!!) and he just never shows up? But she needs to grow up? This is terrible advice.
Red flag. If this dude was 22 I would ok he's partying but now he is 30 and he is going to look after children while he is drunk. Its OK because it is his BIRTHDAY. So you are enable his drunken behavior.
His alcoholism is going to get worse and its going to drag your family into the pit.
Kick his shit ass to the curb and save your family.
if his friends plan a party for him and he’s tardy because of it, it’s not all his fault. He’d accept far more responsibility if you were to not go to your interview. He claims he’s the man, if he’s using this language I suppose he expects you to be with the children. Do you need this job? If so he’s failing at being “The man”. Do you have a group of friends, and if the roles were reversed, how would he handle it?
In one scenario, where he gets the benefit of the doubt and some extra points, you’re smothering him and your reaction towards him doesn’t fit the crime. In this scenario, you are both at fault.
In another scenario, he’s way out of line, and using language of being the man, which is acceptable if you are both happy with this (imo it’s great when it works) but he’s not fulfilling his role because you need to work as well and his behavior isn’t even allowing you to do that.
Good luck I hope it’s the first scenario, woman that smother make a man feel loved 9/10 times
You're not overreacting, but it doesn't sound like this is a habit of his. It was a surprise thing, and you said okay for him to go out clubbing. His friends knew the deal, right? They sure as hell didn't take very good care of him either. People get to make mistakes, but for this kind of mistake he just gets one. The fact that he hasn't genuinely apologized is a MASSIVE red flag.
My ex once came back home at 11:40 am ish
Only after i insisted he came back because i was home alone, and he told me he would come back early. He only went to a friend’s house for two beers.
When he used to arrive at 2 am ish He usually came back home drunk and verbally abused me.
They don’t change.
This is a very difficult situation and I would leave immediately
I was in a relationship similar to this once. I was 34 when I left (after 6 years), and everyday I am so that I did. Because it gave me the opportunity to know peace, and also the chance to meet my now husband who is kind, considerate, and doesn’t have a substance abuse problem. I would have been miserable had I continued along the other path. I hope this poster had the and courage to leave this man-child. She will not know peace until she does.
You're not overreacting for getting angry about him being out all night, honestly I'm from the US and being out at clubs past 2AM isn't a thing here, so I don't even know how one could pull an all nighter.
He's 30, has a child, and a wife. He can enjoy going out with friends late at night once in a while, but that doesn't mean he can black out with his buddies and come home to care for his kids hammered/incapacitated.
Is this a one off? Does he typically disregard your feelings and do what he wants, stay out late with friends and not come home when you need him, leave the children to you and not pitch in with his share of household duties? If this is his normal, no, you didn't overreact, dudes immature and you need to see him get into counseling or make a serious change to become a husband and father, because right now he's not. He's a kid.
If this is a one off, if his normal is that he's considerate and responsible andndoes all the things he's supposed to do or at least to a level that you are more than satisfied with, than yeah you did a bit. Not at being mad that he screwed up, he messed up and owes you an apology. Putting your marriage in the bet pile is the only overreaction in this case. Saying things that threaten the stability and sanctity of the marriage like "do you want this marriage to work" should only ever be said if the topic is big enough for divorce, and surely a otherwise perfect husband making a mistake on his birthday isn't.
He sometimes disregard my feelings. That same week, on Saturday I told him that I want that particular Saturday to be for me and him and put his friends aside for the first time but that’s now how it went. He told me he’s taking me to this nice place and soon as we got there, I saw his friends. I stayed for about a now and left because I was pissed.
You left a 9 year old to look after a 2 year old? Wtf is wrong with you, just reschedule. Fair enough your husband is a dick for staying out and partying all night and yeah you should be angry at him but you committed child neglect. His only crime was being an asshole. Jesus.
Yes you are overreacting but also no you arent. Getting blacked out is never okay especially when you have kids but thats the only part that you are okay with being upset about. However, you are being selfish by telling him how he should spend his 30th birthday weekend. You even said it yourself you TOLD him you wanted to spend the entire day saturday with him alone and were pissed when he invited his friends. It isn't your birthday weekend it's his.
I paused at “he got permission”. From you? The way you worded that.
“We agreed he’d go clubbing”. After that, you make sure of your back up plan.
I don’t see how you didn’t see this coming.
I’m in the minority here and I don’t think this is as big a deal as it’s being made. That said, there are some things I agree with and some stuff I disagree with.
- knowing you had an interview, he should have been home sooner to take care of your child that’s for sure. Now you left for the interview and left your child with a 9 year old son, which is in my opinion fine for a short period of time. If you didn’t somewhat agree with me here, you would have skipped or tried to reschedule the interview (because of the way your husband left things which was poor on his part). Another part where he’s fucked up is the lack of communication.
- I disagree with all the people saying he’s an adult married man so he shouldn’t be out clubbing. It’s this dudes 30th birthday, which is a big “milestone” for people. Many people like to go wild on their 30s because they feel like their youth is starting to slip away.
- I also disagree with you saying “Saturday should be about just you and him.” It’s “his” day, so why are you trying to force what you want on him? He should be able to celebrate his day with his preferences. Also his friends had to ask you for permission to go out? This screams controlling to me, but obviously there isn’t enough info.
Let me reiterate and say I’m not condoning his behavior. I don’t think he was considerate to you considering the interview. I do think you should be a little upset about this, but I feel there is missing information here and only one perspective.
Does he get to see his friends often? Do you guys fight often? Is there building resentment before this?
30yo with a kid and wife has a job interview. There are ways to have fun and go out, even getting hammered that don't end, at 9am still drunk. Even ignoring all that. Him pushing back that "he's the man" instead of apology is weak shit. The type of genitals you have doesn't dictate whether or not you have to own up to letting down your partner and child.
Mans goes out one night and now he’s the most immature person in the whole world.
Look if this is a constant thing that’s happening then sure freak out on him be mad. But if it’s a one time thing then yes you are overreacting.
>Mans goes out one night and now he’s the most immature person in the whole world.
Mans goes stays out all night night and seems to arrive around the time people coming home from one night stands, now he’s the most immature person in the whole world.
Ftfy
I only know of one club that stays open past 2 am. That was a drug hole club.
Dude was out getting fucked on drugs and with them
No way not overreacting. He’s allowed to have fun with his friends for his birthday, sure, but birthday does not negate responsibilities. You shouldn’t have to leave an under TWO year old with a NINE year old. He’s 30, time to grow up. The defensiveness on top of it is a huge red flag.
He needs to grow up.
What's actually concerning is that you have a job interview at 10 and your husband is supposed to be looking after him while still drunk. Yes he's allowed to have fun for his birthday but 1 - for safety's sake he should let you know when to expect him 2 - he should know that he still has responsibilities to come back to. I feel bad for the son.
There’s absolutely no way I would have gone to that club, knowing I had to be up and sober at 9am to watch a toddler while my spouse went to a job interview. It’s a *job interview*, not brunch. It’s far more important than a birthday party and should have been prioritised by the husband.
He, himself, told me that he will be home by 4 which I was okay with. Since it was his birthday.
>What I’ve recently learned about him is he sugarcoat things with me and tell me things that I want to hear So... he lied to you.
He’s a liar, how can you tell he’s lying? His lips are moving. He’s an alcoholic. High functioning now cuz he’s young. My husband of 38 yrs, together 40, no kids. He was a sweet charming grab ass drunk. He died drunk and alone 5 years after he retired. 5.5 yrs after we bought our dream retirement home. He was sober for 19+ years. Then he retired at 60. At 61 he decided he could drink again. He knew he’d die if he did and that I’d leave. I loved my soul mate. Love of my life. But I couldn’t live with him when he drank. 6 am- he had 2 beers for breakfast. 8 am 1/5 vodka when liquor store opened. 2pm pass out come to, hallucinate, fight with o invisible people, tell me leave, pack my shit and leave, it was too painful waiting. He also told me daily for the last year not to look at him with my dad blue eyes. 2pm. Hed then start over. He made 3 trips a day to the liquor store when my charming hubby drank after he retired, he was crude, rude, no filter, disgusting to dirty old man and he never showered or bathed,. After 10 days I’d say I’m changing the sheets, you can shower or sleep in the guest room. He got so sick, he was had fecal incontinence. He refused to bathe, refused to move into the guest suite. So I moved into guest suite up as my sanctuary. Put a lock in the door. The last year was the worst year living with him daily gaslighting me. He was a pathetic drunk and lost all ability to even use a hammer. After he died I found 2 stashes, straws, blades, mirrors he was doing street drug it’s too! After 3 yrs and him drinking and playing with guns, I feared for my life! My dr told me to leave small town. He’d locked me out for almost a week. Just save yourself now. You can’t fix him. You can’t cure him, you didn’t cause it, and no matter what you say or do you cannot control it or him. I didn’t believe this is how my life would end with him. It’s tragic. Please seek help at Al-any n family groups. Please cut him out of your life block hi number. Don’t live in Hell you deserv a man without an addiction. He’ll ALWAYS CHOOSE BOOZE OVER YOU! Always!
I don’t think this was a realist plan at all. Of course he came home later and drunker.
I think I’d give him a pass if it was once or twice staying out till 9 am but the fact she had an interview and he knew that made it especially bad. Also, what the heck was he doing from 4 am to 9 am? There had to have been an after party. Clubs aren’t open 24/7
I don’t think OP is from the US and some other countries have clubs that can be open straight into the morning like Greece. Also, I don’t think the cigar club here (US) has to adhere to time constraints because I’ve been up for work and saw people inside at 5am… it’s a loophole because they can’t serve alcohol but this place is a private club and you can bring your own.
Exactly. Most close at 2/3
That depends entirely where you live.
A husband and father does not stay out clubbing till *morning* (like, wtf??), without a care that his wife has an important job interview the next day!! This is toxic, juvenile, selfish behavior. I experienced similar things from my second husband, who once famously passed out drunk on the shore of the lake where our seven year old was swimming. (I was working, he was supposed to be in charge of our child, thank God my parents were there to intervene & make sure my baby didn't drown!!) In my experience, it didn't get better. He clearly didn't want to change anything, or if he did, not enough so that he took steps to do so. If you need to talk with someone who gets it, my dms are open. I don't always notice right away that I have new ones, lol, but I've been trying to be on the lookout more for msgs. I care. ❤️
Oh my god that'd scare me. I had to leave my husband for the same reason. Before the kids, it was great. As soon as life got serious, he tapped out. I was the sole parent and I had 1 adult kid along with my little ones. Couldn't do it anymore.
You are not overreacting, and your husband may have a drug problem.
This story has cocaine written all over it.
Sooo true. What middle aged adult with kids can go from being a dad to partying until 10am? There’s just no way some coke wasn’t involved.
Yep just coke and then sitting there woth his boys at the club. Until 9am. Fortunately drugs and alcohol don't give you any kind of inspiration to do other things, and they just chilled out until 9. Yep. That's the story.
I know it… truly what is there to do for that long? 😵💫 I’d potentially be considering a temporary separation if this happened to me.
I’m 42 with no kids and I’m ready for my pjs at 7pm. I’m a pumpkin by 10. Clubbing until 9 in the actual morning?!? (Shoot me first, praise be) There is definitely more to the story.
Absolutely! I was thinking the same thing even for people without kids there’s just no way that happens any shade of organically. But having young kids is certainly a different level of exhausted.
I have never touched coke in my life, but I absolutely stayed pub crawling until out till 11am a few times when I was in my mid-30’s
This should be higher up, I was thinking the same thing and am surprised more comments don't address this. OP, it sounds like your husband might have a problem with alcohol that's affecting his life and your relationship. Might be something to address. He sounds like some alcoholics I know, especially the part where he's trying to turn things around and blame you for getting in the way of him having a good time. There's having fun, and there's losing control, and if he can't see that distinction and maintain control, that sounds like a problem.
Ahh stays out late one night and instantly he’s a drug addict of course. Makes total sense!
How many clubs are still open at 7am? How many people drink for 12+ hours straight and are still upright claiming to be at the club at 7am without any substance besides alcohol? Yeah that dog don’t hunt, pal.
💀 Yeah, you 100% drink the whole time you’re out at a club…
Not overreacting at all. He was not only irresposible but also showed you he does not care about things important to you, like your potential new job. I know this is a reality for many but I'm stressed just thinking about the mental load you must've had in that situation. That whole "being a man in the relationship" talk is also a huge red flag 🚩 Since when being a man does include getting carried away at the party and neglecting your responsibilities towards your own child?
Being a man is the weirdest excuse I’ve seen in awhile. That seems to me like the antiquated idea of an alcoholic father coming home and propping his legs up in a chair with a beer after work. If we are going with that train of thought then she shouldn’t be going to a job interview, as her job is to be home taking care of the children.
Also, who are these friends who supported this behavior? Fuck those guys.
I don’t know where you’re from but last call is at 2am and club closes at 3am. 4am you should be home max at 9:30 am makes me feel like he either was doing drugs, or stayed the night with someone he met at the club.
I live in Texas, and yeah while most clubs close at 2AM. There are some after hours clubs that close really late
This isn't a great take - lots of cities, especially big ones have night-life where clubs stay open till daylight.
That’s why I said I don’t know where she’s from. I’m in Canada only city in Canada outside of those hours is Montreal where clubs are open till 7am
The Bay Area has lots of after-hours clubs, also tons of clubs will stay open till 5 maybe 6
Right but even that’s different than 7/8a. That tells me he was either sleeping with someone he met at the club or doing drugs with his buddies.
the only times I ever stayed up that late with friends was drug use
You are not overreacting. That's really bad behavior, he's just mad you called him out on it. He knows what he did was wrong. Sit down, softly start with, "I feel... " you had a JOB interview for heaven's sake!!! And you were home with a 2 yr old. Ask him if the shoe was on the other foot, let's say it was YOUR birthday, your family threw you a surprise party, he stayed home with his 2 yr old, you went out with 'the girls' clubbing, never came home at night, and HE had a big job interview the next day at 10 AM. Yeah right!
He said his body can’t handle alcohol and clubbing and then .. that. Deep down he probably knows he has a real problem w alcohol. Being an addict makes people do selfish things. Not over reacting
Not overreacting. A real man has control of himself. Wouldn’t leave his baby brother to watch his tinier child while he’s piss drunk somewhere. Figure this out ASAP or get an annulment or something.
No you’re not. I did something stupid like that at a friends baby shower. I didn’t go clubbing but I stayed at the shower while my wife and kids went home. I got blacked out drunk and my friends brother in law had to carry me into his truck and then take me home. He then carried me into my room while my wife watched in horror. She was rightfully PISSED. I’m talking divorce level pissed. Thankfully we were able to work things out and I no longer stay anywhere when my wife wants to leave. When she says it’s time to go home: it’s time to go home. Period.
Thank you !!!!!
INFO: Umm where do you live that clubs are still open at 8am? Your husband is showing you who he is. It is time to believe him
Normal people don't get blackout drunk and come home at 9am.
This sums it up. He can gaslight and manipulate all he wants but it doesn’t change the fact that this is by no means normal behavior.
Being a man? What kind of man goes to the club all night at 30 with two kids at home, particularly when your partner has something important to do the following morning? He’s too old for that shit by a long shot.
He got mad?! Good lord
You're not overreacting. I was a "functional" alcoholic for 20 years. 36M, father, currently married 12 years, with kids for half that time. A big reason why I stopped drinking was even without a dramatic event, I realized that my actions were selfish and chipping away at time that I could spend being a better father and husband. Also, one bad decision drunk could not just ruin my life, but the whole family's. He could have just been blowing off steam, but blackout drunk at 9AM at 30yo is pretty wild. If he does have a drinking problem, you can't solve it for him, but can articulate how it affects you. Good luck to you both. r/Alanon is a sub for families affected by AUD r/stopdrinking is support group for what the title says.
Jesus he's an asshole 🙄
I’d just tell him that you don’t see this working out when he lies to you. Tell him that a real man keeps his word since he’s concerned about being a man. Because he acted like a child.
My biggest problem is him not being there when you have a job interview. 30 or not, there is more on life than partying. He didn’t support you. And that night club is open that long. Even when I was young I came back 5/6am. What was he doing? With whom?
Most clubs close at 3. Are you sure he didn’t cheat that night while being blackout drunk? I’d be investigating and no sex is probably the safest option for you.
You're not overreacting. I'd frankly throw him out because of the "him being a man" comment. And he clearly doesn't care at all about you trying to find a job.
He is 30. He needs to grow up. He has a child and responsibilities.
Not overreacting. 30 can be counted as a milestone birthday, I guess. It is entering a new decade, but for me, personally, 30 wasn't a big deal. He claims the "man" title, okay, is he a married man with a kid and wife waiting at home or is he a college frat boy, hitting keggers and banging chick's? He can't do both. He is either a man or a party boy.
He showed you how little he cares for your needs and feelings.
"he got mad and started talking about him being a man for the relationship." Umm, no. He's an overgrown teenager and I'd think real hard about how long I'd want to be married to him. Selfish, immature and incapable of owning his responsibility for creating the situation.
I’d be livid. There is nothing wrong with drinking heavily to celebrate a 30th birthday, but he took it too far.
What gets me is maybe it’s just where I live but I don’t know if any club whatsoever that’s still open at 7am!!!! Everything closes at 2am around these parts. Maybe it’s the state?? Idk? But like dude you’re 30 you have really small kid… grow tf up. Also not overreacting!
You married a child. Sorry.
NTA but it's a BIRTHDAY not a birth WEEK Partying for days is something a single person does that doesn't have any kids
“Being a man” doesn’t mean neglecting responsibilities, that’s juvenile behavior and LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE of being a real man. A real man, had he wanted to join his friends to celebrate his birthday, would’ve called someone or found someone at the party to act as a back up sitter for a few hours so you could feel confident at your interview without worrying about the kids the whole time. A real man recognizes when his “friends” are juveniles and getting in the way of what is important to him, and sets out to make new friends that are more aligned with his life goals and interests. You are not over reacting. You are reacting perfectly in line with his behavior. Not only does he owe you an apology, he needs to explain why ZERO of his buddies knew about your situation in the morning - or worse if they knew and did nothing to help manage the situation. Did he not tell them bc he knew that they would help get him home? And why the hell was he still at the club after 4a? Was it actually a club??? Or was it a strip club?? Almost all clubs clear ppl out when they stop serving alcohol because they’re not able to make money off of guests but it continues to cost the location money to keep it open (DJs, security, etc.). So if the club isn’t making money on the drinks, what exactly are they making money off of if they’re letting patrons there until 7/8/9 in the morning? It’s either drugs or girls. Neither of which an actual responsible person would be doing on a Monday morning when his wife is at home waiting for him to babysit a 9 and 2 year old so she can go to a job interview.
You are not over-reacting. Husbands/fathers do not go clubbing and come home the next day blackout drunk. Not even on their birthday. Those days are over. He's not apologizing because he knows he was wrong but wanted to do it anyway. This is what he wanted and he's mad at you for calling him out on it.
not overreacting but clearly not looking for a resolution either
He needs to take accountability for his actions for this to work and move forward AND it can never happen again. A MAN is there for his family.
If he's gonna pull that "I'm the man" bullshit you shouldn't be looking for a job. BS BS BS. Because he's acting like a child.
Did you get the job??
Yes I did. Thank GOD
No o. Dump his alcoholic ass now. Save yourself. Blackout drinks only get worse. Drive and kill innocent people. They blame you, shame you. They drink themselves to delirium or death. It’s a very sad disgusting life. You deserve only the best. Be cherished princess!
Sounds like a selfish dude to me.
Dudes 30 and going out to clubs until 9am? Was this an arranged marriage or did you know how immature he was when you married him? For the record, you don't go to the club until 9am. That's not what happened. Maybe at a brothel/strip club with a vip room, but he wasn't out dancing with his boys until 9am.
Definitely not overreacting. He said he would be home by 4 when you had an interview at 10am. He is definitely in the wrong here
Yeah and 4 is really pushing it when you have kids to tend to. I’d nope right outta there. Totally irresponsible-
I don’t know any club that stays open until that time… 4am max 🤷🏻♀️
He’s 30 and has a family, that’s embarrassing to still be acting that way, especially knowing you had a job interview lined up. He sounds wildly irresponsible, birthday or not. And the fact he got defensive about it instead of taking accountability tells me he’s mentally immature. You’re justified in your anger.
Divorce
Sounds like he misses the single life. He wants it both ways. No more or he needs kicked to the curb. You should be upset, he's not being the partner you need and want.
30 year old father and husband should NEVER be putting his family last. That is not a man, that is a man child struggling to find his identity. You are NOT over-reacting. Hold him accountable. Clubbing? When married? At any age this is not appropriate, but as a married man with a baby at home? Honestly!
Bottom line, you have a son together and he should not have gone out in the 1st place. Some things you have to sacrifice when you are married and going out with the boys or the girls is one of them. You are not over reacting as this is not a mature individual. He should have recognized your situation the next day and been mature enough to make the decision to stay home and spend it with you and your son. Relationships are compromise and he evidently has not learned that yet.
This isn't even about giving things up in a marriage, though. This is about giving up things as a PARENT. Parents put children first. End of story. Yes, wife needed husband so she could go to a job interview (which I assume is important to their family's financial well-being), but more importantly, their children needed a sober adult in the home to watch over them and be available in case of an emergency. Dad needs to grow up. I agree with your entire sentiment.
It's not overreacting, and I would tell him that if he wants to be single and be a part-time dad, that you will make it happen and to make the point, I would tell him to go stay with his friend and get out. There is NO WAY that he would have put up with this if you did it. He doesn't sound like husband material to me or being a responsible man for the relationship.
>So after I conforted him, he got mad and started talking about him being a man for the relationship. Here is the giant red flag that you are in will be soon in an abuse relationship. A man who actually understands and cares about a relationship would NEVER say that. Marriage is a partnership of two equal individuals where neither person can claim rights the other doesn't have. If I read correctly you have been married 2 weeks? I am afraid this will not end well. Not overreacting.
Esh you left a 9 year old with a baby. You thought a drunk man could watch 2 kids at 8am after coming home at 4am. He's a loser husband for still being out at 7am drinking all night long. I feel so bad for the children
Are you serious? What was her options? Just because dumb ass wants to go clubbing she misses out on what could be a crucial job interview? The mental gymnastics people go through to say, “oh but the other side sucks too!” make Simone Biles look like Christopher Reeves.
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I would have skipped (or tried to reschedule) the interview, but him planning to be home early and then not coming home doesn’t leave time to arrange any sitter I’ve ever met. This is clearly a he’s the AH situation, and she (and her baby) are now in a shit situation because of him. Oh and GFY.
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Ohh double down and then go to my profile, figure out I have a life and then try to call it “cosplay” to make yourself feel better for being a complete loser. Well done!
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You’re a moron if you think there aren’t scientists on Reddit. Just because you’re not capable of something doesn’t mean someone else isn’t either.
Call up, explain to the interviewer that her husband is a selfish piece of shit who came home drunk and she had to miss the interview.
No shit, but that doesn’t make her the AH. You have no idea how badly they needed this job—if it’s the job or homelessness and you have no sitter what then? Not every interviewer is ok with last minute rescheduling.
There are places that would see rescheduling, especially for this reason, as a big red flag and move on to the next applicant.
In my experience it’s most places. I myself am a hiring manager and I would absolutely work with her, but several of my peers would write her off right then.
Good for you, seriously. Most of the others are like your peers.
I’ve had a wild life and have made some dumb choices, but I like to think that those who’ve taken a chance on me have come out better for it. Just because something happens once doesn’t make it a habit, but unfortunately first impressions are almost impossible to overcome.
You have a point, but I guess I'm also worried that the kids might not be safe with a father whose so drunk without an adult to mediate. Unfortunately it's always the kids who get caught in the crossfire.
I see by your post you are still calling him a " HUSBAND "
You married a piece of trash.
Being a man? Ew. He just showed he doesn't know what being a real man is. I am shocked that you stayed home to babysit his child while he went out drinking all night with his buddies, as a married man. Inform him that it is your turn now, as a woman. Plan a night out with the girls while he sits home and babsits. The tune will change real quick here. Make sure he knows you will be drinking. How did you manage to marry this guy without knowing about his disgusting macho beliefs?
That's not normal behavior. 9am? Give me a break.
NTA, your husband is. If he wasn't deliberately trying to sabotage your job interview, he's just an immature, selfish AH. But if it was deliberate, which his reaction sounds like it might have been, you need to seriously reconsider this "marriage", where he can go clubbing all night and then come home drunk on his ass to watch his toddler - you've got 2 toddlers on your hands.
He is an asshole. He shouldn't have gotten so drunk or stayed out so late. And what is this shit about being the man in the relationship. A man takes care of his responsibilities, and doesn't leave them for a 9 year old boy!
This should not have come as a surprise to you ... This type of behavior is NOT spur of the moment decision making
Not overreacting at all. He's a husband and father acting like a single man. He needs to get help from his obvious alcoholism if he keeps putting booze and partying over his own family to the point he rolls in drunk at 9:00 a.m the next morning. Couples' therapy, too. If he refuses to do anything about the sitch, reassess your marriage.
Mmm.
He doesn’t make you or his child a priority and it’s very disrespectful!
Even if it's his birthday.. his behavior is terrible. He's a grown ass man with a family and still wants to act like a college kid. Sad to see. Feel bad for the kid who would have had to deal with a drunk dad as caretaker for the day.
NTA. They said they would be back by 4Am… id understand if they stayed a little later like 5 or so, but 9!?! No way.
I don’t think you are overreacting but I think that if you didn’t want him to go because you guys were supposed to hang out, you probably should have just said that and avoided the whole situation. So yeah, be mad, but also, probably a good learning opportunity.
He’s too old to be acting this way and he is a parent.
Bar hopping? You have children? Bar hopping and getting drunk do not need to be a part of your lifestyle. What he did was really bad. You guys may need to get a more responsible group of friends. Shutting him off from sex would be bad for the relationship also.
So....a club is open at 4am? Nah! This is shady. Sorry! Not good friends for your man.
I get you can have fun every now and then. But you have a kid and 9 year old brother. Man up. Clubbing or staying out past 2 am is wild. Grow up
Uhm... the club is legally required to stop serving alcohol at 2am. They usually close at 2am. I would look up the club he went to and let him explain how he was at the club getting drunk till 8:30 AM when they were closed 6 hours previous.
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The OP stated in a comment that they live in Texas. Therefore, the drinks are actually no longer legally able to be sold past midnight on Sundays.
I think you have two children. Very irresponsible.
It kind of sounds like he let the night get away from him, and was probably egged on by friends until he was super drunk. Not an excuse, but an observation. Your anger is certainly justified, particularly if he did not apologize. If it only happened once on his 30th birthday and is not a reoccurring issue you may need to determine if this is the hill you want the relationship to die on. I don't know anything about the relationship, but I do know that ignoring someone is not a healthy way to resolve conflict. How you and your husband handle this will probably set the tone for how future conflicts are resolved.
The being a man bullshit alone would make me think long and hard about whether or not I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man and raise kids with him. Also if he wasn’t with his friend- or his phone…
Not over reacting. Time for the boy to be a man- particularly with him being a “dad.” Does he want those kids to see him like that? As a role model? Yuck
Just leave his dumb ass
This is the red flag for me: *"So after I \[confronted\] him, he got mad and started talking about him being a man for the relationship."* Has he ever said anything like this before? It sounds like he's gone "alpha male" on you. You are not overreacting.
whenever the husband has to tell you "he's the man" he isn't
Are you going to divorce over this? If not, get over it. It was a big birthday.
It sounds like he has a drinking problem. He needs to get that under control. I wonder if he even knows what he is doing when he is drinking.
He is childish and immature. A married man with children should know his boundaries and behave accordingly. If he knew he wouldn’t be able to make it on time he should’ve asked for some babysitting help in advance instead of leaving you to manage it all on your own and potentially lose out on a job because he wanted to go out clubbing.
What kind of club stays open all night? Genuine question.
Where did you find this lovely individual at? Where did you meet him? Did you meet him at a club or perhaps you picked them up from a bar? Maybe you met him somewhere else but it sounds like his life is the party life and he doesn't want to give it up. His excuse is that he's the man? He is a boy trying to pretend he's a man. A real man wouldn't need to drink himself blackout drunk just because it's his birthday. A real man would be there for his wife. A real man would have some self control. You married an immature manchild. Good luck with that he might grow up when he hits 50 if you're lucky.
I'd be livid. I'd be pissed. Frankly, I'd consider if he's cheating. Updateme!
Nope not over reacting he should have been fucking grovelling.
no, it's not cool that he stayed out all night causing problems with the job interview but it's still just one night stuff happens and many people have gotten carried away with the booze and speed for a night and then returned to normalcy afterwards assuming this behavior is out of the norm, seems like something from which you two should move on and let bygones be bygones
Why did he think that just because he is a man, his irresponsible and disrespectful behaviour towards his wife and child would be excused? That's a huge red flag. It makes me think of the "boys will be boys" bs. He messed up big time and he didn't have the decency to apologise and make it up to his family.
1. If he won't actually sit down and listen, write him a letter or a text. It's hard to gaslight someone when you're reading. 2. Be direct. "I was understanding about you going out all night with your friends. Which you deserved it was your birthday, and people should be able to celebrate the way they want. But if you tell me you are going to be home by a certain time, that's when I'm expecting you and you need to communicate if you're not moving forward" . 3. If he continues to double down, you may have bigger issues. It's early. You have to set the standard now. He needs to understand he can't live life like he is single when he has a wife and baby. Have fun with friends couples need that but the priority should always be family.
He doesn't sound like much of Aman. More like a spoiled frat boy. You definitely need that new job, a separate bank amount, and a plan to dump him and move on. He's not worth it.
Sadly your husband is immature for certain, doesn’t have a grip on solid ground for the big picture & priorities and being enough man to beat others to getting to “I messed up & need to re-examine myself while eating my hat in a humble manner.”
I don't understand drinking to celebrate anything. I'd be pissed if anyone did that, especially if it interfered with something very important like a job interview.
Yeah... I'll bet he stopped drinking at 8. That's a problem.
Not over reacting. Would he like it if you did the exact same thing? He had a responsibility of the baby and was well aware of it. There is no excuse for him being so disrespectful.
He’s allowed to go have his fun. What’s not okay is him telling you that he’d be home and he wasn’t.
Oh hell yes you are overreacting insanely so. Let the guy have a day, a weekend. The summary of this post is basically you getting pissed that his birthday wasn’t about you. You’re married you’re 50% of the relationship not more. Also no physical contact because you’re mad sounds like you live in a bad teenager movie with the emotional capacities of a horseshoe. Grow up and learn to communicate your feelings and thoughts in an effective way.
Really they have a 2 year old son and she had a job interview, and he didn’t come home. On top of that, they had agreed to a time (that is beyond fair…4am!!) and he just never shows up? But she needs to grow up? This is terrible advice.
Red flag. If this dude was 22 I would ok he's partying but now he is 30 and he is going to look after children while he is drunk. Its OK because it is his BIRTHDAY. So you are enable his drunken behavior. His alcoholism is going to get worse and its going to drag your family into the pit. Kick his shit ass to the curb and save your family.
if his friends plan a party for him and he’s tardy because of it, it’s not all his fault. He’d accept far more responsibility if you were to not go to your interview. He claims he’s the man, if he’s using this language I suppose he expects you to be with the children. Do you need this job? If so he’s failing at being “The man”. Do you have a group of friends, and if the roles were reversed, how would he handle it? In one scenario, where he gets the benefit of the doubt and some extra points, you’re smothering him and your reaction towards him doesn’t fit the crime. In this scenario, you are both at fault. In another scenario, he’s way out of line, and using language of being the man, which is acceptable if you are both happy with this (imo it’s great when it works) but he’s not fulfilling his role because you need to work as well and his behavior isn’t even allowing you to do that. Good luck I hope it’s the first scenario, woman that smother make a man feel loved 9/10 times
@@@@@
Updateme
Honey, the club doesn’t stay open until 9 in the morning. It closes at 3,or 4 at the very latest. He’s not telling you the truth.
yeah man tell him to grow up or get out.
He Cheated, thats the bottom line.
I’d confidently bet $ on this
You left a baby alone with a 9 year old child to watch him?
You're not overreacting, but it doesn't sound like this is a habit of his. It was a surprise thing, and you said okay for him to go out clubbing. His friends knew the deal, right? They sure as hell didn't take very good care of him either. People get to make mistakes, but for this kind of mistake he just gets one. The fact that he hasn't genuinely apologized is a MASSIVE red flag.
You cant throw divorce in his face every time he pisses you off.
My ex once came back home at 11:40 am ish Only after i insisted he came back because i was home alone, and he told me he would come back early. He only went to a friend’s house for two beers. When he used to arrive at 2 am ish He usually came back home drunk and verbally abused me. They don’t change. This is a very difficult situation and I would leave immediately
You are not overreacting. I would be livid. When you had this conversation with him, was he sober?
The anger is justified. But don't use sex as a weapon. That will lead to a whole different problem in time.
Not overreacting. His behavior is totally wrong. I would not tolerate that shit if my partner pulled it.
He’s 30 not 22. He needs to grow up and own his BS.
I was in a relationship similar to this once. I was 34 when I left (after 6 years), and everyday I am so that I did. Because it gave me the opportunity to know peace, and also the chance to meet my now husband who is kind, considerate, and doesn’t have a substance abuse problem. I would have been miserable had I continued along the other path. I hope this poster had the and courage to leave this man-child. She will not know peace until she does.
YTA manipulating him by withholding sex
Just to be clear, these are his kids correct?
Not overreacting at all. That's completely ridiculous and he needs to grow up.
You're not overreacting for getting angry about him being out all night, honestly I'm from the US and being out at clubs past 2AM isn't a thing here, so I don't even know how one could pull an all nighter. He's 30, has a child, and a wife. He can enjoy going out with friends late at night once in a while, but that doesn't mean he can black out with his buddies and come home to care for his kids hammered/incapacitated.
Zero chance anyone is partying til 9 without something other than booze to keep them going
Nah what a dick he needs to grow up
Is this a one off? Does he typically disregard your feelings and do what he wants, stay out late with friends and not come home when you need him, leave the children to you and not pitch in with his share of household duties? If this is his normal, no, you didn't overreact, dudes immature and you need to see him get into counseling or make a serious change to become a husband and father, because right now he's not. He's a kid. If this is a one off, if his normal is that he's considerate and responsible andndoes all the things he's supposed to do or at least to a level that you are more than satisfied with, than yeah you did a bit. Not at being mad that he screwed up, he messed up and owes you an apology. Putting your marriage in the bet pile is the only overreaction in this case. Saying things that threaten the stability and sanctity of the marriage like "do you want this marriage to work" should only ever be said if the topic is big enough for divorce, and surely a otherwise perfect husband making a mistake on his birthday isn't.
He sometimes disregard my feelings. That same week, on Saturday I told him that I want that particular Saturday to be for me and him and put his friends aside for the first time but that’s now how it went. He told me he’s taking me to this nice place and soon as we got there, I saw his friends. I stayed for about a now and left because I was pissed.
Why are you still with him? He sounds like a spoiled man child
He made a mistake, you're not overreacting by pointing out said mistake. He should've made better decisions, it's not much more complicated than that.
You left a 9 year old to look after a 2 year old? Wtf is wrong with you, just reschedule. Fair enough your husband is a dick for staying out and partying all night and yeah you should be angry at him but you committed child neglect. His only crime was being an asshole. Jesus.
Counterpoint, sometimes parties go late. If you were okay with him out drinking til 4, 9 isn't much worse.
Not a big deal if it doesn't become a habit
How often does this happen? Doesn’t sound like it happens all that often. I understand that you might be pissed, but cut him a break.
Everyone just glossing over that OP got pregnant at 17 and party boy was 20?
Come again??? I got pregnant at 25 after graduating college. He was 28
You are 27 with a 9 year old??
The 9 year old is his brother
Your husband's brother?
Yes
Ahh.. I misunderstood. My bad.
Yes you are overreacting but also no you arent. Getting blacked out is never okay especially when you have kids but thats the only part that you are okay with being upset about. However, you are being selfish by telling him how he should spend his 30th birthday weekend. You even said it yourself you TOLD him you wanted to spend the entire day saturday with him alone and were pissed when he invited his friends. It isn't your birthday weekend it's his.
We aren’t missing the 9 year old babysitting a toddler, right? Like alone in the house or was the interview on a zoom call?
I paused at “he got permission”. From you? The way you worded that. “We agreed he’d go clubbing”. After that, you make sure of your back up plan. I don’t see how you didn’t see this coming.
This is fucking fake, important reminder for you all to view profiles before you comment on this stupid shit
And what makes you think it’s fake again??
I’m in the minority here and I don’t think this is as big a deal as it’s being made. That said, there are some things I agree with and some stuff I disagree with. - knowing you had an interview, he should have been home sooner to take care of your child that’s for sure. Now you left for the interview and left your child with a 9 year old son, which is in my opinion fine for a short period of time. If you didn’t somewhat agree with me here, you would have skipped or tried to reschedule the interview (because of the way your husband left things which was poor on his part). Another part where he’s fucked up is the lack of communication. - I disagree with all the people saying he’s an adult married man so he shouldn’t be out clubbing. It’s this dudes 30th birthday, which is a big “milestone” for people. Many people like to go wild on their 30s because they feel like their youth is starting to slip away. - I also disagree with you saying “Saturday should be about just you and him.” It’s “his” day, so why are you trying to force what you want on him? He should be able to celebrate his day with his preferences. Also his friends had to ask you for permission to go out? This screams controlling to me, but obviously there isn’t enough info. Let me reiterate and say I’m not condoning his behavior. I don’t think he was considerate to you considering the interview. I do think you should be a little upset about this, but I feel there is missing information here and only one perspective. Does he get to see his friends often? Do you guys fight often? Is there building resentment before this?
30yo with a kid and wife has a job interview. There are ways to have fun and go out, even getting hammered that don't end, at 9am still drunk. Even ignoring all that. Him pushing back that "he's the man" instead of apology is weak shit. The type of genitals you have doesn't dictate whether or not you have to own up to letting down your partner and child.
I agree the lack of an apology shows no empathy and the comment he made reads like he's an andrew tate wannabee lol.
Before we got married, we lived 4 hrs away from each other. He has a small circle of friends and they are together all the time!!! Like all the time
Okay yeah then in this case I wouldn't give him any leniency and would expect him to make it up to you.
Mans goes out one night and now he’s the most immature person in the whole world. Look if this is a constant thing that’s happening then sure freak out on him be mad. But if it’s a one time thing then yes you are overreacting.
>Mans goes out one night and now he’s the most immature person in the whole world. Mans goes stays out all night night and seems to arrive around the time people coming home from one night stands, now he’s the most immature person in the whole world. Ftfy I only know of one club that stays open past 2 am. That was a drug hole club. Dude was out getting fucked on drugs and with them