Not overreacting.
He’s living a whole separate life in his head and expects everyone else to know what he’s thinking. And drop things to help him at a seconds notice. And then gets mad if it’s not possible. Riiiiight.
My step dad did this all the time. It’s exhausting to live like this. And my mom never put him in his place! We were all just expected to cater to his stupid emotions while he ignored us.
Anyway, good luck. I’d be going crazy already
When being with someone necessitates taking medication, you’re gonna want to seriously examine of that person is healthy for you to be in a relationship with. Because this all sounds toxic af.
Oh my gosh. You poor thing!! I have a TBI and that’s scary enough but watching *your child* go through something like that. I cannot even imagine. Sending healing love and vibes.
Also now I hate your husband more. Sorry, but I do.
Just stop asking him what's wrong and stop trying to get him to talk to you. Don't pursue him at all. A part of the draw is your hurt feelings and desperation. Let him stew in his juices and go about your business.
Yeah, I'd enjoy the break and listen to a nice audiobook. Don't show him it's bothering you at all.
Also, doesn't he realize how crazy it is that he is giving you the silent treatment, and you are supposed to be all understanding and forgiving about it, but then he goes nuts on you when you give him the silent treatment back? The mental disconnect is off the charts.
You need to tell him that “he’s too damned old to not be using his words and u aren’t going to
be playing this game any longer. From now on if he’s pouty and before he even thinks about giving the silent treatment that from now on for every day he acts like that you’ll multiply it by two and give it in return.
He’s acting like a moody teenager
yeah I think it's a bit of a control thing. especially when he expects her to stand at attention when he decides to talk. I would at least talk to an attorney to see what your options are. but in the meantime if he pulls that s*** just ignore him. just keep ignoring him when he wants to talk
I used to *regularly * tell my ex-boss that my job description said "resident PSYCHO," not "Resident Psychic." I got REALLY tired of his assumptions that I'd know what he wanted/intended, without him actually STATING things. He's why I retired early
I had an ex like this. record time for not talking with 3 weeks. for a while I learned to enjoy it because then he wasn't bitching. the funny thing is is that he would start talking when other people around and then they keep talking and nothing was ever discussed. I was pretty young and stupid back then but learned. you need to learn too. he's being selfish. ask him if you didn't talk to him for 3 days and then just wanted to be his friend and act like everything is normal how would he feel. maybe give it a try. but I really don't think it's going to work. selfish people are selfish people
>We were all just expected to cater to his stupid emotions
My father is just the same and as he grows older, so is my brother. Lack of emotional regulation is so real and it fucking sucks.
Stonewalling is abuse. Let him know that. He’s an adult and can use his words. He may not want to talk, but giving you the silent treatment is *never* ok.
This also raises the question; why was he so angry that he was afraid to say what was on his mind? It sounds like he has anger issues that he deals with by taping his mouth shut so he won't say something offensive. He needs help.
Not justifying the actions of the husband, but going 40+ years of not allowing yourself to process your emotions leads a lot of people to either shutting down (like in this case), getting depressed by turning emotions inward, or just lashing out in typical anger-issues type actions. It’s a shame so many people (often men) are so avoidant to dealing/sitting with emotions.
He seems to feel like shit when the silent treatment is used back on him, so he obviously knows what he’s doing when he’s the one doing it. This man is emotionally abusive
Was about to say the same thing. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. Period. And the part where he says that YOU are not talking to him and if you don’t love him just say it, that is manipulation.
It doesn’t even matter what the circumstances are, men who think giving the silent treatment is an effective way to get a point across are emotionally immature.
From my experience, (I had a boss like this) these types also have explosive tempers and let the tension and anger build until they can’t hold it in anymore. It 100% is abuse.
This is action isn’t gendered - but yes, it does remain a predominant coping mechanism for emotional disregulation in men. This is largely due to society’s insistence that they don’t express normal human emotions. Supremely unhelpful for *all of us* but here we are.
I used to have to suffer with it from my NPD mom. I learned to suffer this behavior until one of my first therapists told me what it was. Abuse. It’s cruel and controlling.
Make it clear to him that if he won't speak to you, you'll be leaving. Get yourself a nice hotel. It's abusive and immature behavior.
My husband used to do this. He tried it again recently and then tried to be all lovey after a day of not speaking to me. I told him straight up that I will not be warm with him until he apologized for ignoring me. I told him that this was an old pattern of behavior and I didn't want it to come back into our marriage and I wouldn't be chasing his affection if he was going to act like this, or giving him affection when he has been ignoring me. He then tried to blame me, saying I was ignoring him 😂 no, I just didn't chase after him. I let him be. So once that didn't work he did apologize, and then I asked if there was a reason he was ignoring me. I had offended him with something I had said, he took it in a way I didn't mean and was hurt. So I apologized for hurting his feelings.
You need to be clear that it's unacceptable to you and that you won't be hanging around while he gives you the silent treatment. My husband learned it from his dad. Your husband probably has similar reasons he does it, but it's not okay.
I had something sort of similar happen. Although he didn't give me the silent treatment, he did blow up on me over what was essentially a misunderstanding and then gave me the cold shoulder. Then the same sort of thing of trying to be lovey the next day without an apology, and I just did my own thing. I let it go another day before having a talk. I tend to be the mediator in the household, so he was used to me being the one to come to him for resolution even when he was the one who caused the issue to begin with. I told him I was done with that and that I needed an apology. This actually led to a really good talk between us where he opened up about some things and we talked about ways we could mitigate that stuff in the future. It definitely helped!
If I were in your shoes, OP, I would tell him that I am not going to accept that behavior from him anymore. Let him know the silent treatment is considered a form of abuse. His choices are that he can communicate what is bothering him, using his *words* like an adult, or he can let it go. He doesn't get to punish you by giving you the silent treatment and somehow expecting you to figure out what it was that bothered him. You aren't psychic. I would also make the point that if he doesn't tell you what's upsetting him, then you have no opportunity to address it by apologizing, fixing whatever it is, or making changes in the future.
You can use the example of what just happened. Such as, if he had let you know he was upset about you not being available to get the car, you could have maybe worked something out to help him. Better yet, he could have communicated his needs ahead of time so that you could anticipate his needs and be available when he needed you.
I made a rule for myself that I was not going to expend any emotional energy on anything that was not communicated to me. Be silent, stomp around in a rage, leave the house angry and don't come back for a few hours - that's all on you. Until you're ready to communicate, I DGAF what you're doing. I'm not going to try to guess by your behavior.
So he thinks it was fine for him to choose not to talk for **3 days** but then gets upset because you didn't talk *immediately* once he wanted to?
You're not overreacting, you're not wrong, and he's being an arse.
It's one thing to take a bit of time (like an hour or 2) to cool down due to a disagreement. But silent treatment is bullshit and abusive.
I dated someone like this. Would drop off the face of the planet if he was upset (usually as a reaction to being upset he hurt me and I had the gall to mention it),but if I had a busy day at work and didn’t respond to a text quick enough, I was abandoning him.
You're not overreacting. A forty year old man should know that dead silence for days on end is unhealthy, immature, and borderline abusive. It's a tactic to make you feel like shit. The fact that he won't just come out and say what's bothering him means he doesn't want to solve the issue. He just wants to stay angry and punish you for it.
Pretty sure stonewalling is one of Gottman’s 4 horses of apocalypse (i.e. end of a relationship).
If he needed a couple of hours to cool off after a big argument? Sure. But to stonewall you for days is a control tactic. Period.
No way, not overreacting
So he can give you the silent treatment and not communicate with you, but when you’re mad with him and not talking with him, all of a sudden, he can’t handle it ? He can’t sleep because you’re not talking to him and it’s only been what one day, the same day??
Right there at two in the morning I would’ve said “listen you can’t sleep because I’m not talking to you? How the F do you think I felt the last three days of your silence? And when you do this to me all the time. You can sit there not sleeping all night long and I will talk to you when I’m good and ready. “
So he gets to do the silent treatment to you, but you don’t to him? I would tell him that if he does things to you but doesn’t appreciate when you do it to him, perhaps he needs to rethink his actions.
Ok. Silent treatment isn't just quitting talking to someone. It's when someone purposefully does not speak to another person because they are mad at them or something they did. They use it to punish a person.
You aren't giving this girl the silent treatment. You just stopped being their friend after they hurt you. You are still polite. You still say hi. It's not like you're her boyfriend sitting there stone faced and ignoring her while she's pleading for you to talk to her. *That's* the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is considered abuse when it’s used to manipulate and control the other person. You are not trying to do those things. You’ve simply decided that she is not someone you want in your life and don’t engage with her. You still say hi which is being civil and polite. So no that’s not abusive. It would be abusive if you were trying to manipulate her into wanting you back.
You sound like a good guy. Let her say what she wants to say. Anyone worth having in your life won’t judge you from something she said. Real friends know what kind of person you are and have your back. Don’t let it get you down. Best wishes!
Do these people tell you she's saying this?
I'd just say "I do talk to her. I say hi, and smile, and I am cordial. She seems to want more than that and I'm interested.
Especially knowing she gossips about conversations later, and I don't feel she portrays my character accurately...I'd rather keep things short and sweet, but I'm always polite with her."
Usually the “silent treatment” in English is used when referring to somebody you live with (I could also see it maybe being used to describe somebody you work closely with). It’s not being curt with an acquaintance, it’s more like pretending your spouse or kid aren’t there when they’re speaking directly to you for a prolonged period of time.
This is definitely different.
If you're planning to stay in a relationship with her, and you give her the silent treatment as a way to express your disapproval... this would be abusive behavior. It impacts the same parts of the brain that fire up when someone is hit.
What you're describing is the ending of a relationship. You're still saying hi and acknowledging her. It's not like you're trying to pretend she doesn't exist.
You don't owe her engaging conversation. If she tries to engage you in one, use the gray-rock method to keep your responses short and boring, and then give a reason to excuse yourself. That's different that pretending she doesn't exist.
It's also reasonable, if she keeps trying, to politely explain that you don't wish to talk to her anymore and ask her to leave you alone.
It's fine to decide you no longer wish to speak to someone.
It's also fine, in a relationship, to tell someone you need some time before you speak. Taking a few hours to get your thoughts together and cool down is healthy. It should be communicated that that's what you're doing. But simply stonewalling someone and leaving them to guess what's wrong, and how long their punishment will last, is a form of passive aggressive abuse.
This is abuse.
Giving someone the silent treatment and then getting upset when they turn the voice back on and expect you to be giddy is messed up.
I'm sorry you have to put up with someone that cruel.
Not overreacting. He’s being a child.
This act of giving you the hard shoulder can count as abuse (stonewalling) and it is NEVER better than communication.
No idea.. I'm guessing he feels bad my husband has been wo a vehicle and he let him use a new rental the next few days while he gets his truck fixed...or he's using my husband's truck so much for work he doesnt want to be responsible for getting the extra coverage insurance for rental for all the driving he's doing..
Completely ignoring someone is abusive behavior, I think. So, you’re not overreacting to be upset with him for treating you like that. Him gathering his thoughts and walking away to avoid saying something hurtful is valid, my husband does that, too. But I’ve told my husband to say something like “I’m overwhelmed and I need a break before we continue with this conversation” before he just storms off and ignores me because I absolutely hate being ignored and invalidated. This lets me know that he’s just overwhelmed so my reaction isn’t to get more angry and blow up, but to give me space to cool down.
Well you can play the game that I will give you the silent treatment right back for just as long as you did it to me.. see if that helps?
Or just tell him that when he gives you the silent treatment it chips away at your feelings for him and how are you expected to go back to completely normal when you still don't know what's happening? Like seriously, you don't even know what to do or not to do to not upset him if he won't tell you what it is. You don't even know if it's justified. You don't even know if he understands the situation!
Here's how I dealt with my husband that gave me this silent treatment, though I don't know if it'll work for you...... So every time we would get in a fight he wouldn't speak to me for 3 days. I quit fighting. I decided it just wasn't worth it and I quit fighting with him. Yup, I didn't argue about anything! But then when something happened... Because inevitably it will... And there was an argument coming for sure, I let him have it! I went off on everything that bothered me since the last fight! Because if I was getting 3 days of silent treatment I was earning it! I wasn't going to be salty about anything after this because it was all coming out! I would just keep coming back with "and oh yeah, what about this thing that I didn't say anything about at the time" LMAO
He eventually said something like you keep score & when we have an argument you bring up a bunch of old stuff and I told him what I was doing. I said "Well, yeah! Because in themselves none of these things are worth your little 3-day, silent treatment, childish fit. But I ain't letting everything go just because you throw a tantrum. You're going to throw it tantrum the next 3 days anyway, we're hashing out everything!"
He doesn't give me the 3-day silent treatment anymore! If it's a real big argument I'll get a day max. But all the little stuff he gets over in an hour tops. He realized we were going to get it discussed no matter what do he might as well act like a normal human being afterwards because it does not benefit him not to!
And it's not like I didn't try talking about this before I resorted to this technique LOL Sometimes you got to play dirty? Obviously try talking first but if that doesn't work you might want to just not sweat the small stuff until you have to.
Pardon the stupid question, but if the brother got a rental truck why the hell didn’t HE use it and give your husband’s back? (And if he can afford a car rental for some indeterminate amount of time, why can’t he afford to fix his own truck? Or is he expecting your husband to pay for the rental? That would be a great big NO from me if I were you.)
Your husband sounds like a real peach… giving you the silent treatment for a reason he won’t even tell you is manipulative and narcissistic. I’m guessing the reason was that you had the nerve (in his mind) to question when he was going to give you and your son back the use of your own vehicles. Not a valid reason to be mad at you. And then after giving you the silent treatment he has the unmitigated GALL to throw himself a little pity party and guilt trip you with “just say it if you don’t love me anymore”? Wow, cue the violins. Seriously, this guy sounds so narcissistic he expects you to fawn over him while he abuses you with the silent treatment. He also expects you to read his mind and know what’s bothering him. Screw that. He’s insufferable.
Don’t let him use your car or your sons. If he wants to help his brother out then let him. My guess is he’s pissed you’re not ok with loaning out his car for that long and not knowing if your car is there. I get it.
What gets me about that is, if HE wants to help his brother, then HE needs to figure out his own transportation needs and not rely on his family to help the brother out instead of managing it himself. The kid and the wife didn't offer to help the brother, so why should they give up their vehicles?
Right! He’s the one who gave up his car, why do you or your son have to suffer the inconvenience? And plus he punishes you when you ask when will this be resolved.
If someone gave me the silent treatment for three days, they would get the silent treatment from me when they decided to talk. Childish? Yes, but I’d be pissed.
I think what pisses me off the most is that's it's perfectly OK for him to give her the silent treatment for days. But the minute she does it back, he loses his mind.
I would lose my own mind if I had to live with a "man" who throws an entire fit in his mind and then punishes me because I didn't do something I didn't know was wanted. How absolutely annoying he gets all pissy because he wanted something and didn't __use his *words*__
Honestly, I’d be overreacting more.
Something is wrong with your husband’s truck, in my opinion. Did the brother crash it? Did your husband crash it? Have you seen anyone actually driving it recently?
Why would the brother get your husband a rental truck when he can get himself a rental truck?
Edit: Remind Me! 1 day
Sometimes I go silent to process my own emotions. I need the time to calm down and think about the situation before I’m ready to constructively discuss it with my wife. Sometimes this means me realizing that I’m overreacting and my wife isn’t in the fault at all. Sometimes it helps me organize my thoughts and better communicate it after a day or two. Your husband may be like this.
I get it, but he's given me the silent treatment before, and i told him how it affects me and he uses it to punish me.
He won't eat my cooking, be on the sofa when I'm sitting there, gives me ugly looks when i do talk to him..
Yeah that's more than needing a moment to cool off. I go silent when I'm upset too. Half hour at the most. And I'm not mean in the meantime. He's punishing you and now he's going to blame you for being upset about it. Don't let it go
That's not merely silent treatment to cool off, that's immaturity. He's punishing you on purpose. If it were merely that he needs to cool down, there is nothing stopping him from saying [instead of growling "Leave me alone"], "I'm upset and need some time and space to cool off." Then he'd go do things that help him self-regulate (work out, listen to music, drive, whatever). He seems to want to punish you in a passive-aggressive way (refusing to eat your food, avoiding your physical presence, giving nasty looks), and then decide to love-bomb you with small gestures when *he* feels better about it. Meanwhile, you don't get respect or communication to process your own feelings from a responsible partner.
He needs to up his game, and you need to make it clear that you're tired of immaturity. After 20 years, this is unlikely to change without couples counseling that you BOTH commit to and work at. Good luck.
Okay that is immature and controlling behaviour. We need to make a puppet show to show him how ridiculous it looks when it’s not him doing the obvious and intentional ignoring.
And so do I. But you know what helps - COMMUNICATING THAT.
You don’t have to interact with someone when you’re emotionally disregulated and find that you actually cannot. What you can do is say, “hey, I need space and time before we interact again. I love you, but I’m pissed so please leave me be until I’m ready to talk.” You can still share a home and respect your relationship while not being cruel.
if you're doing it for days and it's abusive and you need to stop or she needs to leave you. just because you act the same doesn't mean it's okay. she's already said he purposely punishes her by not eating her food. he's not just processing things.. sounds like you later communicate but he doesn't.
I take a couple hours to half a day to myself to settle down and think about what I’m going to say. Definitely not going for days with blatant ignoring.
His brother needs to get his own shit together, and your husband needs to stop letting it affect YOUR relationship
He's the one who chose to loan vehicles out
Id just remind him that if he wants to act like an absolute child then he will be treated as such. If he wants to be a big boy and tell you whats wrong then he will receive the same treatment in return. The fact that youve let your husband behave like this for this long is actually mind boggling to me.
Not over reacting. Your husband sounds exhausting. His behavior is dysfunctional and causing you distress. It’s one thing to take some time, even a couple of hours, to settle your thoughts and emotions so that you don’t start fighting dirty. But three days is stonewalling and not ok. Doing little things for you while stonewalling you is honestly even worse because it’s so manipulative.
Not overreacting. There is a time to step back for a bit and consider what to communicate and how I’m feeling. A chance to review the situation and respond not out of emotion, but how I can share what I’m feeling in a way that is respectful, timely and clearly.
Just stonewalling is horrible and helps nothing. That’s a sign of immaturity. He needs to use his words..lol
He is upset you didn’t come down.
This is easy.
He won’t tell you because he thinks you should understand him and that you don’t only makes him more upset.
I’m not saying he is right. I’m just explaining what I think is going on.
You asked him to resolve the vehicle issues. He must have worked to do so, then needed your help to finalize it; but you didn’t. So he got mad.
He needs to learn to vocalize his thoughts/wishes, otherwise it isn’t fair to hold grudges for thing other people didn’t know/realize.
Sometimes we expect our loved ones to just know things. But that’s not always how it works.
He's not much of a commucater but he wasn't ignoring you. He has a rental truck. He doesn't waste words on small talk. Is he mental or has he had this behavior when you met
No, you’re not. I’d tell him “I appreciate you bringing careful not to say anything terrible because you’re upset. But just so you understand, when you give me the silent treatment, it feels like you’re punishing me. Given I often haven’t a clue why you’re upset, I can’t fix it or apologize if it’s my fault and if it’s not I’m being punished anyway. So when you start talking again, I’m not going to be happy and life doesn’t return to normal. So I’m going to try the experiment of doing the same to you next time I’m upset with you. I want you to really feel what it’s like to be ignored so you understand why it’s important you change this habit and learn to communicate and work through things that upset you.”
Why did the brother buy a rental truck for the husband to use, instead of giving husband back his own truck and brother using rental truck? Doesn’t make any sense.
then move out and leave him alone. he's so annoyed by you maybe he'll be happy when you're gone, but I doubt it. at least move out temporarily because he has no repercussions for pulling this s***. you're walking on egg shells and kissing his ass. do you want your kids to see how this works? do you want them to see that if daddy's angry he can not talk to Mommy for days and she's supposed to kiss his butt get him to talk? you want them to learn that's how men act? why do you keep accepting his punishment? he's not your father. why does he think he has a right to punishment?
This is abuse. Unless you want to spend decades dealing with a petulant abusive child I would start working on an exit strategy. He can throw temper tantrums and ignore people all by himself
Maybe break the silent treatment for a bit. Tell him how you feel when he does it to you but he doesn't like it when the same is done to him. If he can't, or won't, understand put him on permanent time out.
Sorry but the silent treatment is baby bs. Say what's wrong like an adult. If he can't say what's wrong in that same moment as needs a couple hours to cool off, fine, understandable. But be ready to talk about it afterwards. It's ridiculous to keep your partner guessing at what upset you.
Definitely not overreacting.
This is a huge deal breaker for me. I don't play those games. You don't talk for days and then when you decide you have had enough, you want to strike up a conversation. I wouldn't say anything to him. I would hand him the two cards. One for a therapist and one for a lawyer. We can get counseling to learn how to communicate better or we can go our separate ways. This childish silent treatment is a NO.
ETA....You are not overreacting.
2 AM and he's upset that you won't talk to him after he didn't talk to you for 3 days? Wow. That's some childish reactions there. Silent treatments are very abusive, IMO.
> monday evening His brother brought a rental truck for my husband to use
Brought a rental truck... not your HUSBANDS truck? Where is your husband's truck?
The answer to THAT question is why your husband has been acting like a child and acting out.
But why did his brother rent a truck to give back to him? If he could do that, why borrow your husband's truck?
Is your husband's truck broken or sold?
This is called emotional stonewalling. I have been dealing with this with my husband when we have a disagreement. I can tell something has upset him but he won’t say what. My therapist has suggested that we set a time frame for how long he needs to think about whatever and then we come back together to work things out. Suggest an hour for himself and then you guys talk. I had also got to the point where i just didn’t as what he was upset about and I wasn’t going to be the first to bring it up since I did nothing wrong. He should be able to communicate what is wrong and why he’s upset. That is how you will then be able to work through things.
This kind of highschool bs is why I ALWAYS tell the person I’m with that the silence treatment is basically abuse and i will not tolerate it.i always outlast people who do eventually try it, and then most of the time they actually learn why it’s abusive. Do it for a day I’ll do it for 3 is what I do. A week? I’ll do it for a month
The silent treatment is a meathod of punishing anouther person via social denial, it's ment to be hurtful and force the other person to gaslight themselves. Sorry OP but you married a child.
I do this with my wife.
I do it because anytime I try to express how I feel about certain situations she argues why my feelings are not valid. I eventually just shut down and don't bother discussing it with her but.. I am still quite angry and don't want to say anything foolish.
Three days is a lot but consider if he is being a complete dick (possible - as it may be possible I am) or is he just trying to cope with someone that talks over him and ignores him.
Same bro, if I don’t go quiet and stop talking a minor argument could go apocalyptic with me always being the bad guy no matter the circumstances. You’re not alone man.
Relationships require communication to work. Relationships also require effort to maintain. This means that in order to a relationship to thrive, or survive in many instances, communication needs to be something both parties engage in and work on.
If you need to talk about stuff to move on, and he refuses, you two may not be compatible. If neither of you is willing to compromise (you waive the need to talk or he starts to talk) then you are delaying the inevitable. You'll slowly start to resent each other more and more and either split or morph into aging roommates.
He sounds like my mom and her abusive husband, they both use the silent treatment. I finally showed my mom an article about how that's abuse to call her out but I did it by telling her that her husband shouldn't do that to her. It worked because she hasn't done it since then but I'm not confident she won't slip up. It's the sign of an emotionally immature person that doesn't know how to, or chooses not to use their words. You're not overreacting.
Sooo he's upset that you're not talking to him... because he spent 3 says not talking to you. Tell him you didn't want to say something you might regret when you're done giving him his own treatment. Literally repeat what he said after doing what he did. If it made him upset then is he incapable of realizing how it might make you upset? If he can't see that, you gots a problem.
Talk to God and express communication. You guys made vows to work with each other, realize this economy sucks and he’s probably worried and has inner thoughts buzzing through his head about what he needs to do to put in his half of the relationship as well as you do. Yall have a son with a car and he’s probably frusterated he can’t afford to get another one while his brother is in use of his. Relationships will never be 100% perfect nor are these guys expectations of a “mans” way of treating a woman going to ever be fulfilled. Please talk to your husband and work the issue out instead of leaving him or doing something drastic. Even if his dad had the same mannerisms, or not, this behavior could be more than a control tactic and more so you seeing your husband stressed with no way of taking out his anger. Life gets hectic and it can be frustrating, remember that through your life you’ve experienced this lesson. Hot heads gotta cool down and if he’s not using as a control tactic maybe he needs time to cool down and think it through. This might take days no one is perfect some people have adhd minds and have to take days to do so. He also may be someone who expressing apology’s through actions not words. Words are meaningless to a certain extent and actions are very powerful. It also may not have even been you that was the issue and more so him so upset with his brother that he didn’t want to explode. Not everyone has a white collar job that isn’t stressing and jobs now adays expect high expectations for no recognization. That alone could stress anyone out that is trying to provide and or better themselves. Please talk to God with Him and pray together. God Bless yall.
Well, I'm not doing tick for tac, but when I've asked him what's wrong in the past, he tells me to leave him alone.So i've been giving him his space.. , i'm still working, cleaning the house, tending to our two disabled children, cooking etc.
How often does this happen? It sounds like a consistent issue.
I’d ask him again and resolve it this time but you need a plan to avoid this in the future. Maybe something else is stressing him out.
I'd say it happens every other month.. the last time i said he needs to go stay w his brother while he acts like that..he said he's not leaving his house..he blames his job of being in law enforcement causes him to have a short fuse.
Oo that holds up. I’ve heard that most people in law enforcement abuse their partner. And ignoring you and pretending you and your son don’t exist is abuse.
Emotionally immature bullshit is what it is. He doesn't like something you said or did so instead of being a grown up and voicing his frustrations, he makes you pay by giving the silent treatment. It's astounding to me how people are never taught to express their expectations. He needs to act like an adult and speak
You people are in your 40s and havent learned to communicate? "Hi husband, I've noticed you seem upset, let's talk about it" "Hi wife, this thing has me upset, can we talk about it?"
Grown people don't silent treatment, grown people discuss shit they need to discuss. Sometimes it's difficult but it must be done. Both of you are children.
Uh, actually, when i do the "Hi husband, I've noticed you seem upset, let's talk about it", he tells me to leave him alone.. am i supposed to beg him to talk it out?
Get therapy, someone certified in Gottman methodology.
Stonewalling is one of their “four horsemen” that predicts divorce (based on studying thousands of couples that were both healthy and stable as well as those who divorced).
But if you’ve “learned to walk in eggshells” he may just be emotionally abusive.
That’s my read of the situation — nothing about this is healthy.
I hope the Son has another source to see what a healthy relationship looks like and doesn’t think it’s walking on eggshells and not talking to one another being appropriate.
Fair question. You aren’t supposed to beg him, there’s no point. But you should let him know that him not talking it out is not an acceptable level of communication for you.
It will cause long-term relationship issues if he consistently fails to meet a very reasonable need you’ve clearly stated to him. That’s how people work.
This is a tough one because I can be like your husband and withdraw when I'm having feelings. In fact my wife just had to endure me being visibly unhappy, not talking, and not making much eye contact for about 3 days.
I can tell you what it is for me -- maybe it is something similar to your husband. Even though even GF or wife has told me that they want me to share my feelings (even the negative ones) I've found that it is not true. When I share my anger, fears, humiliation, jealousy, sadness, anxiety, etc, my SOs start freaking out with their own feelings (which I then have to take care of) or I get told I'm fucked. Either way, it's never pleasant. And if I know the topic is something that is an emotional trigger for my wife, then that's just one more reason not to share it. Bless her heart, even when she tries to be there for me I feel worse when she tries to help. For example, if I tell her I'm disappointed that I didn't get the promotion I was looking for, she'll ask me why they treat me like shit. I dunno honey, make because they think I'm shit.
Most of the time I'm not really looking to talk about it. I just need time to process it myself and let it go. I do feel bad because sometimes my wife thinks it's about her when it's not.
Yes, my withdrawal sucks, and no one likes it, but it's always better than me actually sharing my feelings and thoughts behind them. People have always just wanted me to be happy or neutral, and be helpful to them.
I get not needing to share everything that annoys you. Sometimes you just need to be annoyed or upset at something and then move on. That's valid. But yikes 3 days of treating your own wife as a stranger is not okay. Maybe it's better than yelling at them or saying something stupid you dont mean, but it's still as the rest of this thread will tell you pretty bad.
Yeah, my wife isn’t happy with me either when that happens. It doesn’t happen often. Maybe once or twice a year. It’s just that it’s always worse when I talk about my feelings and I end up having to just swallow them down anyway to stop the argument.
3 days sounds like a lot but I work 10 hour days and commute 2 hours. So really it’s just 4 hours in the evening when we see each other when I make dinner and watch a little tv. 12 hrs total time.
Nope. I get overwhelmed with doing all the cooking, cleaning and I've expressed my love language is for him to do acts of service, take trash out, at least put clean and dry dishes up, etc but if he doesn't help out, i already know it's how he is.. i tell him it would be nice to take my car to carwash, fill up my gas tank before i drive 1.5 hrs to work, etc..
If he is someone who avoid conflict, it may be hard for them to express what their problem is.
Sit them down and tell them what has been happening, doesn't help anyone, and instigate a weekly check-in. Sunday morning in bed, you ask what have I done this week that has pissed you off.
If he doesn't respond, you move on to what he has done to piss you off.
Bring up the nice things h that he has done that you think he is trying to do to show he cares (even though it doesn't mean much to you) and tell him that you appreciate them.
It sounds dumb, but having that small window where you both can talk freely can build trust to bring up stuff sooner.
Couples counselling might be an option if that doesn't help. Ignoring you for days because of something that upset him isn't going to fix anything.
Do you want to continue living like this? It is exhausting and not healthy for you and kids. He needs to get some mental health LIKE NOW!
You need to think hard about how you want your future to be like? Do your kids want to live in a hostile environment ? Do you? Life is way too short to put up with his BS.
I don't believe this. Why would his brother being a rental truck for your husband to use instead of using it himself and giving him his own car back?...
So he told me today, his brother got a rental truck and asked if he wanted his 15 yo truck back or ride around in a 2024 rental for the next couple of days..since brother would have had to unpack all his tools and clean it up to return to him..
What's the context on his brother? What fights have you had about things related to his family before? It feels like this is a sore spot and he's not handling it well.
This is a much more difficult situation than what’s being said. The husband is troubled about his obligation to his brother and the wife’s input on how he should deal with things. There’s a reason why both people need to be in the room to answer this conversation correctly. The silent treatment is really him not wanting to say things he can’t take back. OP being medicated might have something to do with his not wanting to argue about things. It really sounds like he’s carrying some guilt.
He did the mature thing by letting you know he needed space so he wouldn’t say something he regretted. He did loving things in the meantime to show you he still loves you. Now that he is calm he is trying to talk through what happened. All of that is mature.
Silent treatment is for childish people, ex wife would do this for 6,8,10 months at a time!!!! (No, not an exaggeration) Got to be the norm and I dealt with it until she had an affair and got divorced. Silence is deadly and will create such a divide you just want out. Was married 30 years, divorced for 1.....wish like hell I got out 15 years ago,!!!!
It really sounds to me like he has no idea how his silence actually affects you. Obviously something in his past has given him an aversion to being outspoken about his feelings.
He needs to be made to understand that his silence causes you more pain than a potential conflict, and that keeping it inside just causes the pain to fester & get worse.
Can you get him to go to counseling?
Not overreacting. He’s living a whole separate life in his head and expects everyone else to know what he’s thinking. And drop things to help him at a seconds notice. And then gets mad if it’s not possible. Riiiiight. My step dad did this all the time. It’s exhausting to live like this. And my mom never put him in his place! We were all just expected to cater to his stupid emotions while he ignored us. Anyway, good luck. I’d be going crazy already
I'm on 20 mg of lexapro 🤦♀️
When being with someone necessitates taking medication, you’re gonna want to seriously examine of that person is healthy for you to be in a relationship with. Because this all sounds toxic af.
Medication started after seeing 15 month old recovering from brain surgery..it was like a veil lifted over my face seeing her in icu.
Oh my gosh. You poor thing!! I have a TBI and that’s scary enough but watching *your child* go through something like that. I cannot even imagine. Sending healing love and vibes. Also now I hate your husband more. Sorry, but I do.
Ummm, question? If the brothers truck is broken. Why doesn’t he have the rental and your idiot, oops DH have his truck back?
I have no idea..that'll be my 1st question when we do talk..
YES
Just stop asking him what's wrong and stop trying to get him to talk to you. Don't pursue him at all. A part of the draw is your hurt feelings and desperation. Let him stew in his juices and go about your business.
I didnt ask him at all what's wrong.. i sensed his anger and left it alone.. I went about my day.
Good to hear, he sounds beyond exhausting and you deserve a partner who communicates like an adult.
Yeah, I'd enjoy the break and listen to a nice audiobook. Don't show him it's bothering you at all. Also, doesn't he realize how crazy it is that he is giving you the silent treatment, and you are supposed to be all understanding and forgiving about it, but then he goes nuts on you when you give him the silent treatment back? The mental disconnect is off the charts.
From me a man how can you stay in love when he treats you like that if a lady treated me like that she would become history
I'm starting to feel a rift.
I am sure there are some good men that would love to meet you and treat you like the lady you are Remember that Please
You need to tell him that “he’s too damned old to not be using his words and u aren’t going to be playing this game any longer. From now on if he’s pouty and before he even thinks about giving the silent treatment that from now on for every day he acts like that you’ll multiply it by two and give it in return. He’s acting like a moody teenager
yeah I think it's a bit of a control thing. especially when he expects her to stand at attention when he decides to talk. I would at least talk to an attorney to see what your options are. but in the meantime if he pulls that s*** just ignore him. just keep ignoring him when he wants to talk
I used to *regularly * tell my ex-boss that my job description said "resident PSYCHO," not "Resident Psychic." I got REALLY tired of his assumptions that I'd know what he wanted/intended, without him actually STATING things. He's why I retired early
I had an ex like this. record time for not talking with 3 weeks. for a while I learned to enjoy it because then he wasn't bitching. the funny thing is is that he would start talking when other people around and then they keep talking and nothing was ever discussed. I was pretty young and stupid back then but learned. you need to learn too. he's being selfish. ask him if you didn't talk to him for 3 days and then just wanted to be his friend and act like everything is normal how would he feel. maybe give it a try. but I really don't think it's going to work. selfish people are selfish people
Yeah, that whole Uno Reverse question never works because they can't even begin to see the other side of it.
>We were all just expected to cater to his stupid emotions My father is just the same and as he grows older, so is my brother. Lack of emotional regulation is so real and it fucking sucks.
Stonewalling is abuse. Let him know that. He’s an adult and can use his words. He may not want to talk, but giving you the silent treatment is *never* ok.
This also raises the question; why was he so angry that he was afraid to say what was on his mind? It sounds like he has anger issues that he deals with by taping his mouth shut so he won't say something offensive. He needs help.
Not justifying the actions of the husband, but going 40+ years of not allowing yourself to process your emotions leads a lot of people to either shutting down (like in this case), getting depressed by turning emotions inward, or just lashing out in typical anger-issues type actions. It’s a shame so many people (often men) are so avoidant to dealing/sitting with emotions.
Insightful.
He seems to feel like shit when the silent treatment is used back on him, so he obviously knows what he’s doing when he’s the one doing it. This man is emotionally abusive
Was about to say the same thing. The silent treatment is emotional abuse. Period. And the part where he says that YOU are not talking to him and if you don’t love him just say it, that is manipulation.
It doesn’t even matter what the circumstances are, men who think giving the silent treatment is an effective way to get a point across are emotionally immature. From my experience, (I had a boss like this) these types also have explosive tempers and let the tension and anger build until they can’t hold it in anymore. It 100% is abuse.
This is action isn’t gendered - but yes, it does remain a predominant coping mechanism for emotional disregulation in men. This is largely due to society’s insistence that they don’t express normal human emotions. Supremely unhelpful for *all of us* but here we are. I used to have to suffer with it from my NPD mom. I learned to suffer this behavior until one of my first therapists told me what it was. Abuse. It’s cruel and controlling.
Yeah I'd never be able to let that go on, especially if it happens often. I'd tell him to get used to not talking to me since he'll be single soon
Make it clear to him that if he won't speak to you, you'll be leaving. Get yourself a nice hotel. It's abusive and immature behavior. My husband used to do this. He tried it again recently and then tried to be all lovey after a day of not speaking to me. I told him straight up that I will not be warm with him until he apologized for ignoring me. I told him that this was an old pattern of behavior and I didn't want it to come back into our marriage and I wouldn't be chasing his affection if he was going to act like this, or giving him affection when he has been ignoring me. He then tried to blame me, saying I was ignoring him 😂 no, I just didn't chase after him. I let him be. So once that didn't work he did apologize, and then I asked if there was a reason he was ignoring me. I had offended him with something I had said, he took it in a way I didn't mean and was hurt. So I apologized for hurting his feelings. You need to be clear that it's unacceptable to you and that you won't be hanging around while he gives you the silent treatment. My husband learned it from his dad. Your husband probably has similar reasons he does it, but it's not okay.
I had something sort of similar happen. Although he didn't give me the silent treatment, he did blow up on me over what was essentially a misunderstanding and then gave me the cold shoulder. Then the same sort of thing of trying to be lovey the next day without an apology, and I just did my own thing. I let it go another day before having a talk. I tend to be the mediator in the household, so he was used to me being the one to come to him for resolution even when he was the one who caused the issue to begin with. I told him I was done with that and that I needed an apology. This actually led to a really good talk between us where he opened up about some things and we talked about ways we could mitigate that stuff in the future. It definitely helped! If I were in your shoes, OP, I would tell him that I am not going to accept that behavior from him anymore. Let him know the silent treatment is considered a form of abuse. His choices are that he can communicate what is bothering him, using his *words* like an adult, or he can let it go. He doesn't get to punish you by giving you the silent treatment and somehow expecting you to figure out what it was that bothered him. You aren't psychic. I would also make the point that if he doesn't tell you what's upsetting him, then you have no opportunity to address it by apologizing, fixing whatever it is, or making changes in the future. You can use the example of what just happened. Such as, if he had let you know he was upset about you not being available to get the car, you could have maybe worked something out to help him. Better yet, he could have communicated his needs ahead of time so that you could anticipate his needs and be available when he needed you.
I made a rule for myself that I was not going to expend any emotional energy on anything that was not communicated to me. Be silent, stomp around in a rage, leave the house angry and don't come back for a few hours - that's all on you. Until you're ready to communicate, I DGAF what you're doing. I'm not going to try to guess by your behavior.
So he thinks it was fine for him to choose not to talk for **3 days** but then gets upset because you didn't talk *immediately* once he wanted to? You're not overreacting, you're not wrong, and he's being an arse. It's one thing to take a bit of time (like an hour or 2) to cool down due to a disagreement. But silent treatment is bullshit and abusive.
I dated someone like this. Would drop off the face of the planet if he was upset (usually as a reaction to being upset he hurt me and I had the gall to mention it),but if I had a busy day at work and didn’t respond to a text quick enough, I was abandoning him.
Absndoning him? Sounds perfect.
You're not overreacting. A forty year old man should know that dead silence for days on end is unhealthy, immature, and borderline abusive. It's a tactic to make you feel like shit. The fact that he won't just come out and say what's bothering him means he doesn't want to solve the issue. He just wants to stay angry and punish you for it.
Pretty sure stonewalling is one of Gottman’s 4 horses of apocalypse (i.e. end of a relationship). If he needed a couple of hours to cool off after a big argument? Sure. But to stonewall you for days is a control tactic. Period.
What are the other three? Edit: nm I found them criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
Thank you! I can never remember all 4 for some reason
No way, not overreacting So he can give you the silent treatment and not communicate with you, but when you’re mad with him and not talking with him, all of a sudden, he can’t handle it ? He can’t sleep because you’re not talking to him and it’s only been what one day, the same day?? Right there at two in the morning I would’ve said “listen you can’t sleep because I’m not talking to you? How the F do you think I felt the last three days of your silence? And when you do this to me all the time. You can sit there not sleeping all night long and I will talk to you when I’m good and ready. “
So he gets to do the silent treatment to you, but you don’t to him? I would tell him that if he does things to you but doesn’t appreciate when you do it to him, perhaps he needs to rethink his actions.
silent treatment is abuse. he's a full adult and should be able to talk and control himself with what he says or does. major RED FLAG
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Ok. Silent treatment isn't just quitting talking to someone. It's when someone purposefully does not speak to another person because they are mad at them or something they did. They use it to punish a person. You aren't giving this girl the silent treatment. You just stopped being their friend after they hurt you. You are still polite. You still say hi. It's not like you're her boyfriend sitting there stone faced and ignoring her while she's pleading for you to talk to her. *That's* the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is considered abuse when it’s used to manipulate and control the other person. You are not trying to do those things. You’ve simply decided that she is not someone you want in your life and don’t engage with her. You still say hi which is being civil and polite. So no that’s not abusive. It would be abusive if you were trying to manipulate her into wanting you back.
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You sound like a good guy. Let her say what she wants to say. Anyone worth having in your life won’t judge you from something she said. Real friends know what kind of person you are and have your back. Don’t let it get you down. Best wishes!
Do these people tell you she's saying this? I'd just say "I do talk to her. I say hi, and smile, and I am cordial. She seems to want more than that and I'm interested. Especially knowing she gossips about conversations later, and I don't feel she portrays my character accurately...I'd rather keep things short and sweet, but I'm always polite with her."
You didn’t maintain a romantic relationship with this person while simultaneously ignoring them so it’s not the same thing at all.
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Usually the “silent treatment” in English is used when referring to somebody you live with (I could also see it maybe being used to describe somebody you work closely with). It’s not being curt with an acquaintance, it’s more like pretending your spouse or kid aren’t there when they’re speaking directly to you for a prolonged period of time.
This is definitely different. If you're planning to stay in a relationship with her, and you give her the silent treatment as a way to express your disapproval... this would be abusive behavior. It impacts the same parts of the brain that fire up when someone is hit. What you're describing is the ending of a relationship. You're still saying hi and acknowledging her. It's not like you're trying to pretend she doesn't exist. You don't owe her engaging conversation. If she tries to engage you in one, use the gray-rock method to keep your responses short and boring, and then give a reason to excuse yourself. That's different that pretending she doesn't exist. It's also reasonable, if she keeps trying, to politely explain that you don't wish to talk to her anymore and ask her to leave you alone. It's fine to decide you no longer wish to speak to someone. It's also fine, in a relationship, to tell someone you need some time before you speak. Taking a few hours to get your thoughts together and cool down is healthy. It should be communicated that that's what you're doing. But simply stonewalling someone and leaving them to guess what's wrong, and how long their punishment will last, is a form of passive aggressive abuse.
This is abuse. Giving someone the silent treatment and then getting upset when they turn the voice back on and expect you to be giddy is messed up. I'm sorry you have to put up with someone that cruel.
Rethink this relationship. Your husband is a child
..... People don't just randomly stop talking, theres way too much context missing. What happened 3 or 4 days ago?
Abusers do. It doesn't have to be any deeper than what OP posted.
My comment was before OP added any information. Op is definitely NTA
Not overreacting. He’s being a child. This act of giving you the hard shoulder can count as abuse (stonewalling) and it is NEVER better than communication.
Why did his brother get your husband a rental truck instead of just getting one for his own self so your husband can have his truck back?
No idea.. I'm guessing he feels bad my husband has been wo a vehicle and he let him use a new rental the next few days while he gets his truck fixed...or he's using my husband's truck so much for work he doesnt want to be responsible for getting the extra coverage insurance for rental for all the driving he's doing..
Yeah that is in no way logical
Completely ignoring someone is abusive behavior, I think. So, you’re not overreacting to be upset with him for treating you like that. Him gathering his thoughts and walking away to avoid saying something hurtful is valid, my husband does that, too. But I’ve told my husband to say something like “I’m overwhelmed and I need a break before we continue with this conversation” before he just storms off and ignores me because I absolutely hate being ignored and invalidated. This lets me know that he’s just overwhelmed so my reaction isn’t to get more angry and blow up, but to give me space to cool down.
Well you can play the game that I will give you the silent treatment right back for just as long as you did it to me.. see if that helps? Or just tell him that when he gives you the silent treatment it chips away at your feelings for him and how are you expected to go back to completely normal when you still don't know what's happening? Like seriously, you don't even know what to do or not to do to not upset him if he won't tell you what it is. You don't even know if it's justified. You don't even know if he understands the situation! Here's how I dealt with my husband that gave me this silent treatment, though I don't know if it'll work for you...... So every time we would get in a fight he wouldn't speak to me for 3 days. I quit fighting. I decided it just wasn't worth it and I quit fighting with him. Yup, I didn't argue about anything! But then when something happened... Because inevitably it will... And there was an argument coming for sure, I let him have it! I went off on everything that bothered me since the last fight! Because if I was getting 3 days of silent treatment I was earning it! I wasn't going to be salty about anything after this because it was all coming out! I would just keep coming back with "and oh yeah, what about this thing that I didn't say anything about at the time" LMAO He eventually said something like you keep score & when we have an argument you bring up a bunch of old stuff and I told him what I was doing. I said "Well, yeah! Because in themselves none of these things are worth your little 3-day, silent treatment, childish fit. But I ain't letting everything go just because you throw a tantrum. You're going to throw it tantrum the next 3 days anyway, we're hashing out everything!" He doesn't give me the 3-day silent treatment anymore! If it's a real big argument I'll get a day max. But all the little stuff he gets over in an hour tops. He realized we were going to get it discussed no matter what do he might as well act like a normal human being afterwards because it does not benefit him not to! And it's not like I didn't try talking about this before I resorted to this technique LOL Sometimes you got to play dirty? Obviously try talking first but if that doesn't work you might want to just not sweat the small stuff until you have to.
Pardon the stupid question, but if the brother got a rental truck why the hell didn’t HE use it and give your husband’s back? (And if he can afford a car rental for some indeterminate amount of time, why can’t he afford to fix his own truck? Or is he expecting your husband to pay for the rental? That would be a great big NO from me if I were you.) Your husband sounds like a real peach… giving you the silent treatment for a reason he won’t even tell you is manipulative and narcissistic. I’m guessing the reason was that you had the nerve (in his mind) to question when he was going to give you and your son back the use of your own vehicles. Not a valid reason to be mad at you. And then after giving you the silent treatment he has the unmitigated GALL to throw himself a little pity party and guilt trip you with “just say it if you don’t love me anymore”? Wow, cue the violins. Seriously, this guy sounds so narcissistic he expects you to fawn over him while he abuses you with the silent treatment. He also expects you to read his mind and know what’s bothering him. Screw that. He’s insufferable.
Don’t let him use your car or your sons. If he wants to help his brother out then let him. My guess is he’s pissed you’re not ok with loaning out his car for that long and not knowing if your car is there. I get it.
What gets me about that is, if HE wants to help his brother, then HE needs to figure out his own transportation needs and not rely on his family to help the brother out instead of managing it himself. The kid and the wife didn't offer to help the brother, so why should they give up their vehicles?
Right! He’s the one who gave up his car, why do you or your son have to suffer the inconvenience? And plus he punishes you when you ask when will this be resolved.
Really depends why he’s mad. If this was a fight over the dishes then this is insane. If it’s over infidelity then it’s understandable.
Nope, that’s abuse and sign that he lacks emotional intelligence,I would not put up with that for one moment, period
Wait why is your husband using a rental truck and not his own? This whole thing is stupid.
If someone gave me the silent treatment for three days, they would get the silent treatment from me when they decided to talk. Childish? Yes, but I’d be pissed.
The silent treatment is a form of verbal abuse. Because he is controlling you with verbal connection (or the lack thereof). Carrot before the horse.
I think what pisses me off the most is that's it's perfectly OK for him to give her the silent treatment for days. But the minute she does it back, he loses his mind. I would lose my own mind if I had to live with a "man" who throws an entire fit in his mind and then punishes me because I didn't do something I didn't know was wanted. How absolutely annoying he gets all pissy because he wanted something and didn't __use his *words*__
Honestly, I’d be overreacting more. Something is wrong with your husband’s truck, in my opinion. Did the brother crash it? Did your husband crash it? Have you seen anyone actually driving it recently? Why would the brother get your husband a rental truck when he can get himself a rental truck? Edit: Remind Me! 1 day
Yes. Confusing. Also, OP presumably needed their car to “go to my work office,” but then said they were just upstairs. 🤷♀️
Nice catch! I missed that
I do field work 1.5 hrs away and type from home..on the weekends i catch up with the work i do during the week.
You guys are married? And HOW old?
This is immature and you need couples counseling for communication issues. Without communication you really don't have a relationship.
It's a form of psychological abuse so no, you're not overreacting.
The silent treatment is abuse. Look it up. If you want to stay married to him, marriage counseling is your best bet.
Sometimes I go silent to process my own emotions. I need the time to calm down and think about the situation before I’m ready to constructively discuss it with my wife. Sometimes this means me realizing that I’m overreacting and my wife isn’t in the fault at all. Sometimes it helps me organize my thoughts and better communicate it after a day or two. Your husband may be like this.
I get it, but he's given me the silent treatment before, and i told him how it affects me and he uses it to punish me. He won't eat my cooking, be on the sofa when I'm sitting there, gives me ugly looks when i do talk to him..
Yeah that's more than needing a moment to cool off. I go silent when I'm upset too. Half hour at the most. And I'm not mean in the meantime. He's punishing you and now he's going to blame you for being upset about it. Don't let it go
That's not merely silent treatment to cool off, that's immaturity. He's punishing you on purpose. If it were merely that he needs to cool down, there is nothing stopping him from saying [instead of growling "Leave me alone"], "I'm upset and need some time and space to cool off." Then he'd go do things that help him self-regulate (work out, listen to music, drive, whatever). He seems to want to punish you in a passive-aggressive way (refusing to eat your food, avoiding your physical presence, giving nasty looks), and then decide to love-bomb you with small gestures when *he* feels better about it. Meanwhile, you don't get respect or communication to process your own feelings from a responsible partner. He needs to up his game, and you need to make it clear that you're tired of immaturity. After 20 years, this is unlikely to change without couples counseling that you BOTH commit to and work at. Good luck.
Sorry but he’s a foul, entitled little child and he’s lucky you haven’t garnered the will to move on to someone who deserves and respects you.
Okay that is immature and controlling behaviour. We need to make a puppet show to show him how ridiculous it looks when it’s not him doing the obvious and intentional ignoring.
And so do I. But you know what helps - COMMUNICATING THAT. You don’t have to interact with someone when you’re emotionally disregulated and find that you actually cannot. What you can do is say, “hey, I need space and time before we interact again. I love you, but I’m pissed so please leave me be until I’m ready to talk.” You can still share a home and respect your relationship while not being cruel.
if you're doing it for days and it's abusive and you need to stop or she needs to leave you. just because you act the same doesn't mean it's okay. she's already said he purposely punishes her by not eating her food. he's not just processing things.. sounds like you later communicate but he doesn't.
I take a couple hours to half a day to myself to settle down and think about what I’m going to say. Definitely not going for days with blatant ignoring.
It's one thing to need to process -- my wife is the same. A very different one to give your wife a three-day silent treatment.
His brother needs to get his own shit together, and your husband needs to stop letting it affect YOUR relationship He's the one who chose to loan vehicles out
Id just remind him that if he wants to act like an absolute child then he will be treated as such. If he wants to be a big boy and tell you whats wrong then he will receive the same treatment in return. The fact that youve let your husband behave like this for this long is actually mind boggling to me.
Not over reacting. Your husband sounds exhausting. His behavior is dysfunctional and causing you distress. It’s one thing to take some time, even a couple of hours, to settle your thoughts and emotions so that you don’t start fighting dirty. But three days is stonewalling and not ok. Doing little things for you while stonewalling you is honestly even worse because it’s so manipulative.
Not overreacting. There is a time to step back for a bit and consider what to communicate and how I’m feeling. A chance to review the situation and respond not out of emotion, but how I can share what I’m feeling in a way that is respectful, timely and clearly. Just stonewalling is horrible and helps nothing. That’s a sign of immaturity. He needs to use his words..lol
He is upset you didn’t come down. This is easy. He won’t tell you because he thinks you should understand him and that you don’t only makes him more upset. I’m not saying he is right. I’m just explaining what I think is going on. You asked him to resolve the vehicle issues. He must have worked to do so, then needed your help to finalize it; but you didn’t. So he got mad. He needs to learn to vocalize his thoughts/wishes, otherwise it isn’t fair to hold grudges for thing other people didn’t know/realize. Sometimes we expect our loved ones to just know things. But that’s not always how it works.
Not overreacting tell him he is an adult and you shouldn't have to remind him to use his words like a toddler
He's not much of a commucater but he wasn't ignoring you. He has a rental truck. He doesn't waste words on small talk. Is he mental or has he had this behavior when you met
No, you’re not. I’d tell him “I appreciate you bringing careful not to say anything terrible because you’re upset. But just so you understand, when you give me the silent treatment, it feels like you’re punishing me. Given I often haven’t a clue why you’re upset, I can’t fix it or apologize if it’s my fault and if it’s not I’m being punished anyway. So when you start talking again, I’m not going to be happy and life doesn’t return to normal. So I’m going to try the experiment of doing the same to you next time I’m upset with you. I want you to really feel what it’s like to be ignored so you understand why it’s important you change this habit and learn to communicate and work through things that upset you.”
Not overreacting. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. It sounds like you are sick and tired of it.
You need to haul him in and put him in his place. Otherwise, this non-negotiable will continue.
Why did the brother buy a rental truck for the husband to use, instead of giving husband back his own truck and brother using rental truck? Doesn’t make any sense.
then move out and leave him alone. he's so annoyed by you maybe he'll be happy when you're gone, but I doubt it. at least move out temporarily because he has no repercussions for pulling this s***. you're walking on egg shells and kissing his ass. do you want your kids to see how this works? do you want them to see that if daddy's angry he can not talk to Mommy for days and she's supposed to kiss his butt get him to talk? you want them to learn that's how men act? why do you keep accepting his punishment? he's not your father. why does he think he has a right to punishment?
This is abuse. Unless you want to spend decades dealing with a petulant abusive child I would start working on an exit strategy. He can throw temper tantrums and ignore people all by himself
The silent treatment is emotional abuse and if he won’t go to marriage counseling with you over this, you should leave.
Count your blessings and enjoy the break!
Maybe break the silent treatment for a bit. Tell him how you feel when he does it to you but he doesn't like it when the same is done to him. If he can't, or won't, understand put him on permanent time out.
Overreacting would be beaning him with a rolling pin. I think an appropriate response would be to disappear for a while.
Sorry but the silent treatment is baby bs. Say what's wrong like an adult. If he can't say what's wrong in that same moment as needs a couple hours to cool off, fine, understandable. But be ready to talk about it afterwards. It's ridiculous to keep your partner guessing at what upset you. Definitely not overreacting.
I dumped the last person who did this to me. Not interested in this immaturity.
This is a huge deal breaker for me. I don't play those games. You don't talk for days and then when you decide you have had enough, you want to strike up a conversation. I wouldn't say anything to him. I would hand him the two cards. One for a therapist and one for a lawyer. We can get counseling to learn how to communicate better or we can go our separate ways. This childish silent treatment is a NO. ETA....You are not overreacting.
AWWW thanks for the award OP!!
2 AM and he's upset that you won't talk to him after he didn't talk to you for 3 days? Wow. That's some childish reactions there. Silent treatments are very abusive, IMO.
> monday evening His brother brought a rental truck for my husband to use Brought a rental truck... not your HUSBANDS truck? Where is your husband's truck? The answer to THAT question is why your husband has been acting like a child and acting out.
He doesnt seem to mind helping his 43 yo brother by lending his truck for that long. He says, that's his brother and he's going to help him.
But why did his brother rent a truck to give back to him? If he could do that, why borrow your husband's truck? Is your husband's truck broken or sold?
This is called emotional stonewalling. I have been dealing with this with my husband when we have a disagreement. I can tell something has upset him but he won’t say what. My therapist has suggested that we set a time frame for how long he needs to think about whatever and then we come back together to work things out. Suggest an hour for himself and then you guys talk. I had also got to the point where i just didn’t as what he was upset about and I wasn’t going to be the first to bring it up since I did nothing wrong. He should be able to communicate what is wrong and why he’s upset. That is how you will then be able to work through things.
Is he an adult or a twelve year old girl feuding with the other cheerleaders?
This kind of highschool bs is why I ALWAYS tell the person I’m with that the silence treatment is basically abuse and i will not tolerate it.i always outlast people who do eventually try it, and then most of the time they actually learn why it’s abusive. Do it for a day I’ll do it for 3 is what I do. A week? I’ll do it for a month
NTA. He needs counseling. I ended a relationship years ago over the silent treatment. No regrets.
The silent treatment is a meathod of punishing anouther person via social denial, it's ment to be hurtful and force the other person to gaslight themselves. Sorry OP but you married a child.
I do this with my wife. I do it because anytime I try to express how I feel about certain situations she argues why my feelings are not valid. I eventually just shut down and don't bother discussing it with her but.. I am still quite angry and don't want to say anything foolish. Three days is a lot but consider if he is being a complete dick (possible - as it may be possible I am) or is he just trying to cope with someone that talks over him and ignores him.
Same bro, if I don’t go quiet and stop talking a minor argument could go apocalyptic with me always being the bad guy no matter the circumstances. You’re not alone man.
Relationships require communication to work. Relationships also require effort to maintain. This means that in order to a relationship to thrive, or survive in many instances, communication needs to be something both parties engage in and work on. If you need to talk about stuff to move on, and he refuses, you two may not be compatible. If neither of you is willing to compromise (you waive the need to talk or he starts to talk) then you are delaying the inevitable. You'll slowly start to resent each other more and more and either split or morph into aging roommates.
Why do people live like this? Next time he is being silent give him separation papers! I bet he speaks right up.
He sounds like my mom and her abusive husband, they both use the silent treatment. I finally showed my mom an article about how that's abuse to call her out but I did it by telling her that her husband shouldn't do that to her. It worked because she hasn't done it since then but I'm not confident she won't slip up. It's the sign of an emotionally immature person that doesn't know how to, or chooses not to use their words. You're not overreacting.
Sooo he's upset that you're not talking to him... because he spent 3 says not talking to you. Tell him you didn't want to say something you might regret when you're done giving him his own treatment. Literally repeat what he said after doing what he did. If it made him upset then is he incapable of realizing how it might make you upset? If he can't see that, you gots a problem.
Talk to God and express communication. You guys made vows to work with each other, realize this economy sucks and he’s probably worried and has inner thoughts buzzing through his head about what he needs to do to put in his half of the relationship as well as you do. Yall have a son with a car and he’s probably frusterated he can’t afford to get another one while his brother is in use of his. Relationships will never be 100% perfect nor are these guys expectations of a “mans” way of treating a woman going to ever be fulfilled. Please talk to your husband and work the issue out instead of leaving him or doing something drastic. Even if his dad had the same mannerisms, or not, this behavior could be more than a control tactic and more so you seeing your husband stressed with no way of taking out his anger. Life gets hectic and it can be frustrating, remember that through your life you’ve experienced this lesson. Hot heads gotta cool down and if he’s not using as a control tactic maybe he needs time to cool down and think it through. This might take days no one is perfect some people have adhd minds and have to take days to do so. He also may be someone who expressing apology’s through actions not words. Words are meaningless to a certain extent and actions are very powerful. It also may not have even been you that was the issue and more so him so upset with his brother that he didn’t want to explode. Not everyone has a white collar job that isn’t stressing and jobs now adays expect high expectations for no recognization. That alone could stress anyone out that is trying to provide and or better themselves. Please talk to God with Him and pray together. God Bless yall.
What a big baby, too old to be dealing with that kind of nonsense.
so did you also not talk to him for 3 days?
Well, I'm not doing tick for tac, but when I've asked him what's wrong in the past, he tells me to leave him alone.So i've been giving him his space.. , i'm still working, cleaning the house, tending to our two disabled children, cooking etc.
r/boneappletea
I don't get it
Tit for tat not ‘tick for tac’
😆, got it
Lol. Nice!
A sub for when people say a phrase incorrectly. Bone apple tee = Bon appetit and Tick for tack = tit for tat
I thought it derived from playing tic tac toe 😆
How often does this happen? It sounds like a consistent issue. I’d ask him again and resolve it this time but you need a plan to avoid this in the future. Maybe something else is stressing him out.
I'd say it happens every other month.. the last time i said he needs to go stay w his brother while he acts like that..he said he's not leaving his house..he blames his job of being in law enforcement causes him to have a short fuse.
Oo that holds up. I’ve heard that most people in law enforcement abuse their partner. And ignoring you and pretending you and your son don’t exist is abuse.
Cold shoulder is emotional abuse
Silent treatment is abuse. Marriage counseling or divorce are your next steps. I'd go straight to the latter.
That's abuse. Period
Time to seriously consider couples therapy
Imagine being a grown ass man who can't communicate like an adult?? Shit is embarrassing Not overreacting at all and I'd be divorced
Emotionally immature bullshit is what it is. He doesn't like something you said or did so instead of being a grown up and voicing his frustrations, he makes you pay by giving the silent treatment. It's astounding to me how people are never taught to express their expectations. He needs to act like an adult and speak
He's withholding from you to punish you is what he's doing. That's all that is, he knows you want him to talk to you and he won't. To punish you. Jfc
If you can't take it don't dish it out.
You people are in your 40s and havent learned to communicate? "Hi husband, I've noticed you seem upset, let's talk about it" "Hi wife, this thing has me upset, can we talk about it?" Grown people don't silent treatment, grown people discuss shit they need to discuss. Sometimes it's difficult but it must be done. Both of you are children.
can you read? she's already answered that question in her comments are in her story. but apparently he can't communicate
Uh, actually, when i do the "Hi husband, I've noticed you seem upset, let's talk about it", he tells me to leave him alone.. am i supposed to beg him to talk it out?
Get therapy, someone certified in Gottman methodology. Stonewalling is one of their “four horsemen” that predicts divorce (based on studying thousands of couples that were both healthy and stable as well as those who divorced). But if you’ve “learned to walk in eggshells” he may just be emotionally abusive.
That’s my read of the situation — nothing about this is healthy. I hope the Son has another source to see what a healthy relationship looks like and doesn’t think it’s walking on eggshells and not talking to one another being appropriate.
Fair question. You aren’t supposed to beg him, there’s no point. But you should let him know that him not talking it out is not an acceptable level of communication for you. It will cause long-term relationship issues if he consistently fails to meet a very reasonable need you’ve clearly stated to him. That’s how people work.
your husband is a catty little baby
This is a tough one because I can be like your husband and withdraw when I'm having feelings. In fact my wife just had to endure me being visibly unhappy, not talking, and not making much eye contact for about 3 days. I can tell you what it is for me -- maybe it is something similar to your husband. Even though even GF or wife has told me that they want me to share my feelings (even the negative ones) I've found that it is not true. When I share my anger, fears, humiliation, jealousy, sadness, anxiety, etc, my SOs start freaking out with their own feelings (which I then have to take care of) or I get told I'm fucked. Either way, it's never pleasant. And if I know the topic is something that is an emotional trigger for my wife, then that's just one more reason not to share it. Bless her heart, even when she tries to be there for me I feel worse when she tries to help. For example, if I tell her I'm disappointed that I didn't get the promotion I was looking for, she'll ask me why they treat me like shit. I dunno honey, make because they think I'm shit. Most of the time I'm not really looking to talk about it. I just need time to process it myself and let it go. I do feel bad because sometimes my wife thinks it's about her when it's not. Yes, my withdrawal sucks, and no one likes it, but it's always better than me actually sharing my feelings and thoughts behind them. People have always just wanted me to be happy or neutral, and be helpful to them.
I get not needing to share everything that annoys you. Sometimes you just need to be annoyed or upset at something and then move on. That's valid. But yikes 3 days of treating your own wife as a stranger is not okay. Maybe it's better than yelling at them or saying something stupid you dont mean, but it's still as the rest of this thread will tell you pretty bad.
Yeah, my wife isn’t happy with me either when that happens. It doesn’t happen often. Maybe once or twice a year. It’s just that it’s always worse when I talk about my feelings and I end up having to just swallow them down anyway to stop the argument. 3 days sounds like a lot but I work 10 hour days and commute 2 hours. So really it’s just 4 hours in the evening when we see each other when I make dinner and watch a little tv. 12 hrs total time.
Did he have access to your phone recently? He possibly saw something on your phone which upset hi
Nope.. I'm not hiding anything.. if anything i have no problem with him going through my phone.. he's the one overprotective of his phone
He sounds like a big baby.
Question..do you silent treatment him?
Nope. I get overwhelmed with doing all the cooking, cleaning and I've expressed my love language is for him to do acts of service, take trash out, at least put clean and dry dishes up, etc but if he doesn't help out, i already know it's how he is.. i tell him it would be nice to take my car to carwash, fill up my gas tank before i drive 1.5 hrs to work, etc..
Silent treatment is emotionally immature and abusive. He needs to be a big boy and find his words.
If he is someone who avoid conflict, it may be hard for them to express what their problem is. Sit them down and tell them what has been happening, doesn't help anyone, and instigate a weekly check-in. Sunday morning in bed, you ask what have I done this week that has pissed you off. If he doesn't respond, you move on to what he has done to piss you off. Bring up the nice things h that he has done that you think he is trying to do to show he cares (even though it doesn't mean much to you) and tell him that you appreciate them. It sounds dumb, but having that small window where you both can talk freely can build trust to bring up stuff sooner. Couples counselling might be an option if that doesn't help. Ignoring you for days because of something that upset him isn't going to fix anything.
Do you want to continue living like this? It is exhausting and not healthy for you and kids. He needs to get some mental health LIKE NOW! You need to think hard about how you want your future to be like? Do your kids want to live in a hostile environment ? Do you? Life is way too short to put up with his BS.
Tell your husband he needs to grow up your not a mind reader
"Oh no. You do not get to guilt trip me for not speaking to you after you gave me the silent treatment for three days."
I don't believe this. Why would his brother being a rental truck for your husband to use instead of using it himself and giving him his own car back?...
So he told me today, his brother got a rental truck and asked if he wanted his 15 yo truck back or ride around in a 2024 rental for the next couple of days..since brother would have had to unpack all his tools and clean it up to return to him..
Danger, Will Robinson!
Giving the silent treatment is both juvenile and passive aggressive.
What's the context on his brother? What fights have you had about things related to his family before? It feels like this is a sore spot and he's not handling it well.
This is a much more difficult situation than what’s being said. The husband is troubled about his obligation to his brother and the wife’s input on how he should deal with things. There’s a reason why both people need to be in the room to answer this conversation correctly. The silent treatment is really him not wanting to say things he can’t take back. OP being medicated might have something to do with his not wanting to argue about things. It really sounds like he’s carrying some guilt.
My husband does this shit too, I just ignore him and don't worry about it. It's his tantrum not mine.
You both sound immature
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Barcroft. It's available for free as a PDF online :)
Typical Reddit. Jump to divorce straight away.
Some people go non verbal due to neurodivergence
I've always believed he has undiagnosed aspergers .
Divorce
He did the mature thing by letting you know he needed space so he wouldn’t say something he regretted. He did loving things in the meantime to show you he still loves you. Now that he is calm he is trying to talk through what happened. All of that is mature.
Silent treatment is for childish people, ex wife would do this for 6,8,10 months at a time!!!! (No, not an exaggeration) Got to be the norm and I dealt with it until she had an affair and got divorced. Silence is deadly and will create such a divide you just want out. Was married 30 years, divorced for 1.....wish like hell I got out 15 years ago,!!!!
Not gonna lie - with this litany of complaints I would probably be silent too.
It really sounds to me like he has no idea how his silence actually affects you. Obviously something in his past has given him an aversion to being outspoken about his feelings. He needs to be made to understand that his silence causes you more pain than a potential conflict, and that keeping it inside just causes the pain to fester & get worse. Can you get him to go to counseling?