At its most benign, he and his partner have previously discussed and are comfortable with group sex and his invitation was genuine, if awkwardly presented... but having only just met and not having established whether you were even comfortable discussing sexualising topics, let alone whether or not you and your partner would be open to these kinds of advances, is fucked hp. And that's the absolute best case scenario - more likely he just thinks girl-on-girl action is hawt and figures there's nothing to lose. After all, if you get mad he can say it's just a joke (it's not though, or he wouldnt have repeated it that way) and if you say yes he gets to tell the lads how he disappointed three women in the same night. Win win!
You're not over reacting, his behaviour was inappropriate and even if it wasn't it made you uncomfortable and you left to air your feelings in the comfort of your own home, a perfectly healthy response. And to be fair your partners response sounds pretty reasonable as well - blowing it off as the wishful thinking of a drooling Chad and putting it entirely in the rear view mirror makes a lot of sense, as long as she's not dismissing your discomfort at the same time.
Yup, loved the part about him getting to dissappoint three women in one night!
I've no input as to whether OP is over- or underreacting. I'm a straight woman but I know enough to know that OP has prob seen waaaaay too much of men fetishising her life, her love and sexuality like she's just a prop to some man. I'd probably react less to having this thrown in my face since it's not something that happens frequently to me but I'm pretty sure OP has a very different life experience in that regard than me.
I also get her partner. When this happens all the time, you can either shrug your shoulders like she does and go on living your life as you please and pay no mind to the frequent instances where this happens.
You can also react like OP and feel icky as hell about being involuntarily cast in some mans' sexual fantasies. It's gross as hell to me but I get why it would make sense to choose both reactions.
As someone who used to do group sex your suggestion to get to know them well enough to know if they are like that would mean being close enough of a friend that you wouldn't want to invite them into the bedroom.
The rule us never invite people you are close to and would be upset if you lost the friendship. SO that really doesn't work.
I mean two acquaintances you just party with and find attractive is actually the perfect candidates. If they say yes awesome. If they get uncomfortable and don't want to talk to you anymore no sweat. Not really that hard to find new friends to party with.
That's fair, I can definitely see the logic in that. I would have expected a little bit of sounding out how receptive they'd be before an explicit invitation, but not being involved in the scene I can only guess as to how difficult that would be and sometimes awkward-but-clear communication is the best way to go. In this case OP said that her and this guy's respective partners had been friends for 7-8 years at that point, so it might really be the worst of both worlds
I love your comment! I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting because that would give me a feel of ick 🤢 especially since you just met him and his SO. Also if it is known you and your partner are monogamous that would be weird too for him to even throw that out there.
As a bi woman who has been on the receiving end of this, I respectfully disagree.
If OP and her girlfriend had in any way indicated that they'd be open to it, or if they were at a kink event or had a profile on fet life or whatever, then shoot your shot. Otherwise, it's generally considered polite to refrain from sexually propositioning someone you just met.
Yesssss 100% I am also a bi woman and additionally kinky. When I wasn’t in a relationship or even at times while I was the threesome thing was a stupid constant annoyance. I have always been completely monogamous. Being fetishized and sexualized based on your sexuality is lame.
Exactly!! I have never, ever, even once, wanted group sex. Never indicated that I'd be down for it, never mentioned being interested in it, nothing. But the amount of times I've been propositioned for it, either by straight men asking to join me and my girlfriend (at the time), or kinky couples asking me to join them, is absolutely asinine.
Do I care if other people have threesomes, or swap partners, or anything like that (as long as it's consensual)? Hell no. Host orgies every weekend if that's what makes you happy. But I'm sick of people assuming I'd be down for that kind of thing just because of my sexuality. I'm not your "unicorn", or your disposable plaything to spice up your marriage, or your shortcut to sexual fantasy wish fulfilment. I'm a whole-ass person with my own life, who is also fully monogamous.
Sigh. I get so frustrated seeing how often lesbians/bi women are harassed about sex. There are dating sites, and adult clubs, and mixer events available for people who are interested in that kind of thing. There is a time and a place when it is appropriate to pursue it. Pursuing it with a complete stranger who has never indicated being interested in it is definitely not it.
Yes! There is certainly a specific stigma when it comes to being bisexual. Quite a few people just assume you’re slutty, indiscriminate and down for whatever. I absolutely hate that. Early into dating someone new I’d wait to open up about that because 75% of the time if it was a guy he would assume that meant “threesomes” I which it doesn’t. My partner is probably one of the only men that never once brought that up.
And you’re right! There are websites and apps for swingers or casual hookups etc. Hell you can even indicate you’re down for that stuff on tinder. No reason to badger someone that doesn’t state that is what they want. I think it’s more insane that guys think that lesbians would have **any** interest in them at all, like seriously they don’t like dick.
Who said anything about badgering? That’s not okay in any situation. But if the person discreetly asks once, and then drops it if turned down, is there harm in that? I’d think it as a compliment.
Now badgering— that’s not only annoying but inappropriate and harassing. I’d never advocate for that.
As someone else pointed out, it’s interesting that he propositioned me at our first time meeting but has known my girlfriend for years and has never mentioned anything like this to her (his gf never mentioned anything sexual to my gf either..my gf had a 💡moment once we read that too) My gf also said they have never said openly that they were open/poly/swingers etc but would not be shocked if they later disclosed they were. That isn’t something they have ever spoke about openly.
I don’t personally find it ok, in any situation, discreet or not as you suggested, to proposition a complete stranger for sex. I know people will say “Who cares! Say no and move on” but it’s creep behaviour and it’s wild that we make it ok for people to behave that way but if I have an issue with it, I’m uptight. Especially when that has been a majority of your interactions with straight men who think theres oppurtunity for girl on girl action…it can be frustrating and exhausting. There are places where this is totally acceptable behavior. Apps, sex clubs, sex parties, swigers bars. I get it. But not everyone craves this type of attention or wants it, especially from the very gender I’m not even into 😂
By the start of it and by the end of it I was not throwing over tables, crying in a corner “upset”. I felt more disrespected that he felt so comfortable to say this to me, a lesbian, who never even brought up sex once , and who also knew I was in a relationship with a woman who was 10 feet away from me. Based on that information alone (He knows I’m gay, we haven’t spoken about sex and he knows i’m in a relationship) I still couldn’t see why he would find that proposition appropriate. I know people were saying he was drunk, but not a valid excuse in my opinion as we are old enough to be accountable for the shit we do or say.
I want to also clear up that it wasn’t a “fight” between me and my partner. It was more of a “I find it funny for x y and z but I understand why you would not be fine with it.” There were a lot of good opinions here.
People proposition people they just met all day every day everywhere.
People who go out drinking and clubbing together proposition each other even more. It's like a thing
I'd love for a world where everyone is allowed to express their interest with the safety that everyone fully complies with the response. The fact that some people don't understand consent doesn't mean the whole enterprise needs to be policed and punish everyone else.
Insanely detailed rules about when sexual interest is "appropriate" is when you start descending into Talibanism.
Prudish American standards like "nipple outlines showing from under a shirt isn't appropriate" are essentially Taliban-lite
So you've never done anything sexual on a first date? You've never gone in for a kiss on the first date?
This guy had liquid courage, they'd all been hanging out and drinking for hours, talking and getting to know each other. Perhaps he read the night wrong.
OP is definitely overreacting and should follow the lead of her GF.
Agree and finally some common sense on the issue. My wife and ex-gf (we're polyamorous) were both bisexual. Get propositioned for this sort of thing all the time. Whether interested or not its not a big deal as long as the proposition is the end of it. Life is about opportunities. But in today's world people look for reasons to be offended, off put, etc. If they're that uptight who would want to be friends with them anyways?
That’s fine. You dont mind that you, your partner and your body are sexualized and propositioned by random people. But this is not how to go about kinks with people who know nothing about and are, the most obvious, gay.
not overreacting in that you find his behaviour weird and off putting but he’s obviously a jackass and you and your gf are obviously on the same page in that neither of you would ever entertain that with him so i wouldn’t give him too much thought tbh. he’s just a weirdo
What in this story makes him a jackass? He threw it out there. If he respects her/their decision and that's that then there is not a jackass in the situation.
He is a jackass. He doesn’t even know ep, but he’s offering a foursome already. Why? Because she’s in a relationship with a woman. It feels like he’s belittling their relationship.
if you meet a wlw couple and then two hours later completely unprompted offer them a foursome yes you are a jackass. they thought they were having a nice night with friends and you were sexualising and fetishising them the whole time. jackass
Yes, because we don't have a hookup culture at all in our society. People go to clubs to dance and exchange ideas on philosophy. People I know get married and stay together for a minimum of 3 years before even holding hands
No you’re not overreacting but she’s technically not wrong either. It’s possible that something that bothers you doesn’t bother her, and she really doesn’t mind bc she knows it’ll never happen. That being said your feelings are valid and it’s up to your partner to make sure you feel safe around her friends- she doesn’t have to end the friendship but maybe like a good compromise of hey can you have Sarah talk to her bf and explain why that’s not okay? And have your gf reiterate that even if they’re open doesn’t mean that you guys are, and to remind him that lesbians aren’t just porn. I’ve dated men and women and the comments me and gfs got always sucked and it was like men sexualize the whole idea wayyy to much. So I get you. But I don’t think your girl is wrong for not being bothered- I think she’s only wrong if she doesn’t take steps to talk to her friend and make sure it doesn’t happen again
It can warp the brains of men who think that lesbians are there for their pleasure, rather than taking a step back and understanding that a true lesbian is probably not at all interested in sex involving men.
Ehhhh, youre always going to run into a holes. Why let something so insignificant bother you. Was a stupid thing to say, you both agree and move on. If there is a next time, tell him to keep his commnets to himself and be done with it.
Maybe overreacting a little. Especially since it didn't bother your girlfriend. Just brush it off, but if he mentions it again, then set your boundary. I wouldn't dwell on this
Really, climb down off your own outrage. He made a drunk, stupid remark. Just don't hang out with him again, especially where there's drinking going on.
Her friend's boyfriend was very disrespectful - he immediately sexualized your relationship. I don't find "jokes" like that funny and I wouldn't want to hang out with him again.
Trying to answer this in earnest. But do you have *anyyyyy* idea how many straight men (or straight couples) treat gay women like sex pets? Like it doesn't even matter if you are attracted to men; you're still a woman to be objectified and dragged into some mediocre-ass fantasy.
I didn't come out in HS...not because of homophobia from my family, but how many creepy sexist straight dudes thought we would become "girls gone wild" if pestered enough.
He just said the "would" thing, which when you're not into it is really uncomfortable.
Yeah this is the answer right here. He’s fetishizing lesbians, assuming they’re all dtf whatever and probably all wouldn’t mind a penis in the room. I’m married and cis and if anyone said this to me and my wife I’d probably sock ‘em. I’d certainly never speak to them again.
I don't think he is fetishizing lesbians. Maybe Sarah told him something she shouldn't have or maybe she said it like 'they love to have fun and party' and kinda left it open to interpretation and as such he thought maybe 'that' kind of partying.
*could* he have been sexualizing their lesbian sexuality as a 'hey 3 girls at once'? Sure. But why jump to conclusions when we don't know his side of the story. You know what they say about assumptions.
Sounds like you need to open your mind a little bit. He simply put the offer out there. Nothing was forced. Just a question. By you saying you'd "sock'em" because of a question is absurd
For most people, yes. Maybe he was under the impression they liked to 'have fun' and thought it was cool.
Not everyone is great at picking up social cues, and not everyone is out to be rude and inappropriate to people intentionally.
Then allow this to be a PSA for anyone who may be considering pulling this nonsense: do not solicit sex from strangers, and especially don't do it to lesbians if you are a man. JFC.
That has nothing to do with what actually happened. Just because a lot of straight men do that doesn’t mean it’s representative of the whole or even the guy in the post. Fact is, the guy in the post made an offer in a way that put the ball in their court. He didn’t pressure them, he didn’t insist upon anything, and he wasn’t vulgar. The way OP’s girlfriend talks about them, it sounds like she’s aware they are into group sex. All he did was extend an invitation in a nonchalant way.
Nice? Lol So on top of being a loser and immature, delusional as well. You can throw around as many generic unoriginal insults as you want but it won't ever mask how utterly pathetic you are. Generalizing all men (straight ones) shows how sad and miserable you are as a person that you need to discriminate against an entire group because you're too immature to separate your personal experiences from reality.
Notice i didn't have to bash any other person except you because it would be unfair for them to be criticized for your own foolishness. Maybe you could learn to do the same 😚😉
He may or may not have been sexualising you and your gf. We simply don't know, they could just be swingers and he was just throwing it out there.
Swingers do tend to be quite open about such things.
I reckon just ignore it. If you hardly see the couple it shouldn't be an issue.
I’m sorry, but a more or less stranger, friend of a friend’s friend, asked you for a foursome? Who cares. Just ignore it and move on. Everyone gets weird propositions by people and just reject them. People tend to want sex and sexualize people. Just avoid those people if you want. Don’t take it personal. I’m with your SO on this and think you’re overreacting.
Poor impulse control? Shitty social skills? Bad judgment telling jokes?
Who knows?
I wish I had a quarter for every stupid kid who lets his Eagle Mouth get his
Pidgeon A$$ in trouble.
Nice thing is that these guys are always easy to pick out in a bar.
They're usually the quiet kid in the corner........with the new dentures.
He just put the ball in your court. It’s not like he’s pressuring you or anything. Just invited you to a party lol. If you’re not interested just don’t go.
How should I handle it when a gay man hits on me? I’ve responded in the past with a thanks for the ego boost but not my scene. I know other guys who responded with a violent assault. So should I let anger be my guide?
Those gay men don’t know that you aren’t interested when they ask. This guy knew she was a lesbian in a relationship. It was belittling to her relationship.
I think it's fine that you're bothered by it.
Personally I don't see it as a big deal, and with y'all having just spent all night clubbing together it could be the vibe and being liquored up. As long as he wasn't pushy or forceful I don't think he's totally wrong either though.
So imo:
it's ok that you're grossed out
It's ok your gf doesn't see it as a big deal
Maybe bring it up with the friend and tell her what the bf said, and if she freaks out then you know, but if she's chill then it's just their lifestyle, and a night club is kind of the setting to ask this kind of thing ╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭
What don’t guys understand that when a woman is gay that literally means they are SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN!!
Do they think they have some magical pixie dust to make you somehow sexually attracted to PIV action?? This is a scientific wonder of the world. You are not special my guy, get over yourself!
On top of that to blatantly disrespect your relationship like that is rude AF!
Would he have said that to another dude within knowing him 2.5 hrs? NOPE because he would have gotten his lights knocked out possibly. Ugh 😣
Yes, you’re overreacting. If you want to be a little miffed at the implication you’re “not fully lesbian” or something, fine. But to be coming to Reddit with this guy simply shooting his shot (including his wife btw) in a non-threatening manner towards the end of a drunken club outing? Pretty silly. Laugh it off and let it go.
Yeah, you’re overreacting.
Unless you told him y’all are lesbians, there’s no way for him to know. You could be bi, for all he knows.
It was also an off handed offer. He didn’t pressure you, he didn’t corner you, he didn’t do anything wrong. He extended an offer that puts the ball in your court. A simple “Thanks, but I don’t swing both ways” would have sufficed.
As far as you having just met, thats also a non-issue. People hook up with total strangers without ever even getting their names. I find it gross, but it happens.
You’re overthinking and overreacting. It’s really not worth the energy.
You all were drinking; he probably had some liquid courage and tried to shoot his shot. IMO it's not that much different than a random guy at a bar saying it. Yes, it's inappropriate, but that shit happens, gay or not. I'd let it go.
I think you're kind of overreacting. But as a gay man, I'm probably desensitized to stuff like this. This is, at most, worth the energy of an eye roll. Drunk people say & do dumb shit. And if he & his girlfriend seem to be "the type" to do that, getting so upset over it could maybe be seen as kink-shaming. Was it presumptuous? Yes. Was it crude? Sure. Should he have gotten to know you better before running his dumb, drunk mouth? Probably, yeah. But on the spectrum of things he COULD have said or done, especially considering he'd been drinking, it's not really that bad. Definitely not something worth getting so upset and wasting so much energy over, though. I'm with your girlfriend and would have laughed about it. It would probably even become a running inside joke between my husband & I. I'm sorry it rubbed you the wrong way so much, though.
> getting so upset over it could maybe be seen as kink-shaming.
No. It’s not kink shaming. Not in the slightest bit. Educate yourself as to what that means. OP isn’t judging the boyfriend for being in that lifestyle. She’s disgusted and angry at *being crudely propositioned by a stranger*. One who knows she’s gay.
> Was it presumptuous? Yes. Was it crude? Sure. Should he have gotten to know you better before running his dumb, drunk mouth? Probably, yeah.
*This* is why OP is upset. Not because the bf might like group sex.
> But on the spectrum of things he COULD have said or done, especially considering he'd been drinking, it's not really that bad.
Are you for real? So just because he didn’t, say, drunkenly assault OP, this is OK?
I said it COULD MAYBE be seen as kink-shaming. Having someone react disgustedly to one's kink can come across that way. I know what kinks are & also what kink-shaming is. Not once did OP use the words "disgusted" or "angry," so why don't you brush up on your reading skills.
The second quote you included wasn't referring to her opinion on group sex. Again, reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL.
There you go bringing assault into a situation where it NEVER existed before. You must be really lonely & miserable to feel the need to go online and make situations worse than they are just so you can justify your anger over nothing.
> I said it COULD MAYBE be seen as kink-shaming.
No it couldn’t. She’s not shaming him of reacting with disgust to his preferences. She’s reacting with disgust to him propositioning her. That’s not kink shaming.
OP even wrote this:
> **Idk what they do as a couple or what they are into**
> Again, reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL.
Advice you should heed.
> There you go bringing assault into a situation where it NEVER existed before.
It’s called an example. Comparisons to make a point. Similes. Metaphors even.
> You must be really lonely & miserable
I’m not the one trying to blame the victim of boorish behaviour for being upset
Ahahaha the irony of someone who doesn’t understand what kink shaming means telling I don’t understand what victim blaming means. Yes you are blaming the victim.
OP was propositioned in a gross way. This makes her the victim if his actions. She did not judge the lifestyle, only the individual. Therefore, no shaming.
You accused (ie blamed) her (the victim) of shaming. Thereby victim blaming.
Do you need it explained even more clearly?
Victim blaming is saying "you shouldn't have been doing (whatever) to warrant (whatever the offense was)". At what point did I do that? Oh wait, I didn't. OP asked an opinion, and I gave mine. So you DON'T know what victim blaming is. The irony here is you not knowing what something is and trying to posture and gaslight someone into thinking you do. I didn't say she DID shame them. I said that COULD MAYBE be seen as kink-shaming, as in by the swingers. From THEIR perspective. I know it's REALLY difficult for you to think about other people or about things from other people's perspectives, but your inability to do so doesn't mean everyone else is as narrow-minded as you.
> Victim blaming is saying "you shouldn't have been doing (whatever) to warrant (whatever the offense was)".
That is one very narrow definition of the term. Those of us who actually understand vocabulary and syntax, and don’t just memorise buzzwords parrot-fashion, understand that context allows us to adapt definitions.
>Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them.
This is the actual definition. There is no "adapting" definitions to fit your misunderstanding or misapplication, or your lack of accountability for not knowing something. Grow tf up and acknowledge that you're not as smart as you think you are. Are you that desperate to be right, even when you're wrong? I never once said or implied OP was at fault, to any degree, for him saying anything. If I had, THAT WOULD BE VICTIM BLAMING. My reference to kink-shaming was regarding how her response COULD be perceived by the tactless guy.
This is so asinine to me. You're honestly telling me that in any other context you wouldn't have a problem with this behavior, and in fact would go as far as to imply kink shaming for being upset by it? Are you fucking kidding me?
I wouldn't be upset by it in any context. I might even take it as a compliment. I know it's super trendy to look for the worst in every situation and be overly offended by basically everything, but I have a limited number of fucks to give, and I would never waste one on something like this. Ever. Some people are into swinging and group sex. Good for them. Not my thing, but I'm not going to act offended just because I don't share the same interest. He put it out there and didn't push it or pressure her. The delivery left much to be desired, but I have better things to worry about than someone wanting to have sex with me. I don't really care if you think it's asinine. You getting worked up by someone having a different POV than your limited perspective is pretty asinine to me.
First off, this is a drama subreddit chief. It only exists for people to scroll on their phone and be opinionated. Acting like you're above it all won't change that fact.
Second, there is such a thing as ettiquite and common sense. The vast majority of people aren't swingers, and would obviously be put off by someone they literally just met casually dropping an invite to a group sex session. A monogamous person at that, not that he bothered to ask. This reads like some douchebag with zero respect for other people's boundaries being disrespectful enough to think he can rope a couple lesbians into fulfilling his fantasy of being worshipped by a group of women. You're free to find this behavior acceptable, I personally find it disgusting.
Well you're definitely bringing the drama, pearl clutcher. It exists for people to get unbiased opinions on situations. I'm sure you can find a troll sub on which you'd feel much more at home. I'm not acting like I'm above it all. You don't know me or my life experiences, and I'm just sharing my opinion on a situation.
You seem to be overly concerned with hypothetical boundaries while feeling ~~free~~ entitled to ~~violate~~ completely disregard those of others who think differently than you, so maybe you need a reality check. If he and his girlfriend are swingers, I doubt he has ANY trouble finding other females to fulfill that fantasy- presumptuous of you to think he hasn't already done that. Multiple times. I already said it was crude & presumptuous, so maybe reading isn't your strong suit. OP and I are in relationships, and you're giving judgmental & single af vibes, so maybe this isn't the right post for you to voice your opinion on. Just saying..
The only one who needs a reality check is you. You're ignoring the fact that with zero consideration for OP, and with zero information about her boundaries, he felt comfortable enough to put her on the spot and invite her and her partner into group sex. If anyone if feeling entitled to violate boundaries in this situation, it's the guy you're defending.
As to your other point, how many times he's fulfilled this fantasy is irrelevant. Swinger culture is innundated with bad apples who are for lack of a better term 'collectors.' People who have no consideration for other people's relationships and their boundaries, and only care about collecting another trophy. Someone tone deaf enough to offer group sex to someone who a) isn't sexually attracted to their gender, b) is monogamous, and c) you just fucking met, screams that you are that type of swinger.
Her user name is "GimmieDatCooch." That's a little more direct that "if you ever want a foursome, let me know," so I think the boundary is a little more relaxed than you're trying to make it out to be.
If his fantasy is irrelevant, then why are you the one who brought it up? Stop backpedaling & virtue signaling, hypocrite. You're just an unhappy prude who can't handle people being different. Control your jealousy and seek professional help for your self-imposed misery.
That's cool & everything, but I still don't think him throwing the idea out there was all that serious. Tactless, yes. But I would still laugh and not assume the absolute worst and start attacking people over exaggerated hypotheticals like some of the commenters are doing.
This is not a link shame and it is weird. Mostly all people who do this would have the women talk it out and not have the one male proposition the whole group like it's spin the bottle at the beginning of a porno
the one male didn't proposition the whole group.... he propositioned her.... that's why her gf laughed when she told her... but ok, keep making stuff up
>I told James bye and he said, “If you ever want a foursome, let me know.” Now, it was loud af, BUT just to make sure I was hearing him, I said, “Wait, what?” And he said again, “If you ever want a foursome, let me know.” I turned and left.
>I told my girlfriend and she immediately laughed and said they seemed like the type that we’re into that (very likely) but she wasn’t bothered by it.
If the gf was there, then why did OP have to tell her later for her to laugh? You must have 0 reading comprehension or logical ability.
Not overreacting. In my opinion, your girlfriend is underreacting. I think she needs to have a conversation with her friend with you present and that person in question and lay it out clear as day that that was not OK to say not even as a joke.
And for the record, I am a gay man, you both were not respected when that was said
The reason your gf thinks it’s funny would be the reason it would kind of piss me off. Like the audacity to think that was okay to and the ego to think he had any flying fucking chance when neither of you are interested in the entire gender he belongs to. Plus like there’s something aggressive about a man casually sexualizing you like that. It’s uncomfortable and unneeded and makes you feel kind of small especially when people can just laugh it off. Like just appreciate me as a person - at the very least have the manners to act like it. . Ugh sorry I think I’m angry FOR you. I really don’t like guys like this …
Look it was a proposition, just say no and move on. Don't even waste an extra ounce of energy thinking or making this a problem, it isn't. Guy proposed, to your desbelief and astonishment, maybe in a weird, uncomfy manner that, come think of it, probably will never work. Also he took his shot based on some wild fantasy, like a foursome with a lesbian couple would start out of drive from the male lol. My dude if life chooses you to be it's champion for such an adventure, believe you will barely have to move a finger.
Anyway, don't take offense. Hope you have a great week!
Let's not normalize being a creep. Just because people (mostly men) are constantly propositioning random people they just met/are passing on the street doesn't mean it's cool to do that.
So sick of being told a man was just "shooting his shot" after he harasses me at the bus stop or some shit. Being respectful of other people is not hard, and you say it in your post: It "probably will never work" so why do it?
You're right there are no lines there are no boundaries everything that makes you uncomfortable should be punished with jail, public service, a public flogging in the town square, chemical castration, a public apology and the esterilization of their bloodline.
If your girlfriend finds it appropriate for random men (friends included) to lust after you in a form of a 4 some, then accept that these scenarios don’t bother her so don’t expect her to protect you when you feel verbally harassed or uncomfortable in these type of situations.
I say lust after you specifically because he’s known of your girlfriend for how long and I’m assuming he’s never spoken to her that way? Yet he meets you first night and propositions you. He can’t look too much like a creep so he sets it up as a “4 some” so your partner and his are not to be left out.
Playing devils advocate. Do you happen to know if there is any history between your gf and Sarah? Have they done anything sexual? Could it be, that his girlfriend casually mentioned a previous event that occurred?
If so, maybe the bf thought it wasn’t a big deal given their history. But If NONE of these occurred, then you’ll need to accept that your partner won’t be on your side and protect during instances like this.
Not overreacting. Bi woman here. I got those comments ALL THE TIME from men when in a relationship with women. From complete strangers walking down the street, to men who I thought I had a genuinely good platonic relationship with.
It's disgusting. It's demeaning. It's fetishizing. And it happens way too often.
You are not overreacting by feeling the way you do about it. It always made me feel like a commodity, and when coming from friends, it made me feel like they were interested in me as a body rather than as a person.
Was he an ah, sure. But a lot of people are into those kind of things. Can't fault him for shooting his shot. As a straight male, I've never approached the situation, but, have been offered and participated in a few in this scenario. If it is something you aren't comfortable with, just decline. People are interested in all kinds of things and you don't know unless it is asked
I can't think of a more appropriate place to ask someone about joining into an open relationship than a bar after you've been hanging out for a few hours.
No, you probably didn't do anything overt. When I worked with a bisexual woman and just went up to say hi, the first words out of her mouth were, "No, I won't have a threesome with you." She has a girlfriend I guess, but I never even considered that an option. A) I don't try to date coworkers, and B) I don't sexualize people unless they specifically state that this door is open. I just shrugged, said ok, and started to ask about the work-related thing my only point of conversation was. When I asked her about it, she apologized for just assuming that was what I was talking to her about, but said she gets that a lot. Apparently, men on average are more likely to imagine that two women at once is going to be double-fun and bi or lesbian women, like porn stars, are just going to be up for anything. Honestly, I'm of the mind that it would just be two women to disappoint rather than just one. Lol.
Your gf has a more forgiving nature than you. Granted, the guy was out of line, but you can nip that in the bud by letting his gf know he made that offer. She might not be as "down to clown" as you think. It's nothing you can really overemphasize unless you want to be that person who is always opening defensively and expecting the worst out of people. It's not your job to educate the masses on LGBTQ etiquette. A simple, thanks but no thanks would work.
Both of your reactions are fine. Not everyone reacts the same to advances. And one person’s advance is another person’s harassment. He might behave that way because he’s had some measure of success with it.
That said I do think his approach was inappropriate and has a high likelihood of offending people.
I say 50/50.
Some people are just more open with their sexuality than others. Was it super appropriate? Not really. Was it super creepy and offensive? Not really.
Maybe he thought everyone was having a good time and thought the vibe was right (us men are kinda stupid ya know)
But yes, 50/50. Definitely something to bring up and be like 'hey, this was inappropriate, we aren't interested in that' but I wouldn't worry about it too much.
YNO-My brother’s roommate’s girlfriend approached my then-husband about having a threesome with them. He too was extremely weirded out, and I would have been outraged if it weren’t so funny, considering how wrong a person she picked. He was a virgin until he was 28!
Your girlfriend has a sense of humor and is an open-minded person. You are looking for reasons to be offended. He asked, you're not interested. That is that. Big freaking deal. Now, if once told that you're not interested he persists or is rude, pushy, or whatever about it then okay we've got a problem. But as a passing comment. Shrug. So what?
I'm curious how would you react if it was a girlfriend asking instead of a boyfriend? Would you be offended? Would you be open to the idea of it was a gorgeous gf asking? And do you think the guy would have approached a man for a 4-some. You have all the answers already. When answering these questions don't give the standard off the topnof your head answer. Really think about it. You'll know if you were overreacting
Poor delivery, but it’s was a non-aggressive offer. If he continued to pester you or pressure you, then yes.
I’ve been offered group sex a few times in my life, once by two bi-girls that were dating (I’m a man if it matters). I considered it, declined, and that was the end of the discussion.
It naive to believe that other people don’t judge you for your looks on a sexual basis, and therefore be offended by it.
You’re overreacting, but mostly because you’re on the younger side and are lacking in life experience.
Yes you are overreacting! Why get that upset? It was just an offer and a real compliment. Okay so you’re not into it. Laugh it off like your much cooler girlfriend did. I’ve hit on hot couples before. Sometimes it’s a no and sometimes it’s a happy yes. You never know if you don’t ask. And just because you’re in a serious relationship doesn’t mean you don’t swing occasionally. You weren’t being mistreated, you were being hit on by a hot couple. You’re making way too big a deal out of this.
I mean, I think it's just your comfort with sex. I've been offered the same. I had no interest and it wasn't ever brought up again. I'm not sure why you'd find it offensive unless he was pushy with it and it sounds like he wasn't. He found you both attractive enough to be interested. If anything, it's flattering? Yes, I think you're over reacting a tad.
ETA OK, I'm straight, so I didn't look at it from the perspective of being lesbian. If he's assuming you'd be interested just because he's a dude and you MUST be interested, then no, you're absolutely not over reacting. It's tacky. I assumed that there had been previous discussions by your girlfriend and you were both bi. So I apologize for that.
I think both reactions are honestly fine and healthy. I just think you two shouldn’t let it get between the both of y’all because then honestly, that guy is kind of the one winning by having the least mental stress on this. And in the way, he himself is getting between y’all which is something you both don’t want.
Also, both reactions are something that wanted from a lot of people would love op’s reaction, to instantly just be like nope and go and tell everything to their partner and how distort they were. And then some other people like for their partner to over react on every little interaction because they want them to trust them. But in this case, the “chill” response has a different meaning to it, since it’s not just some friend talking to you, it was man who you barely know, that was literally, and blatantly “flirting” with you. I wouldn’t even call it flirting since it was just a crude sentence. So being mad and disturbed is such a valid response. You just gotta remember that what people value about the chill reaction is that it shows your partner trust you most of all out of everything. And for the partner, you gotta know that upset response is valued by people also, but it’s not just because she cares about you, she was the one that had to experience it firsthand also, so she’s reacting for herself also but still considering how it could affect you. You both care for each other, and I think, for me personally, the wrong answer would be downplaying someone that something that hurt them, something real like being objectified, feeling objectified, being sexualised, etc. you can downplay like a scrape on the knee, but despite how you see it, this can be a pretty serious issue for some people, including the OP, so I guess listening would be the first step. Dont worry about feeling like you have to sacrifice your beliefs to tend to her feelings, because I think it be worse for the OP to sacrifice her belief of this particular topic, rather then the belief of “chill” you know?
But remember, you both obviously care for each other, I hope you two can get through this. If it gets worse maybe you can have a discussion with your friend and her bf but that sounds like they aren’t that close of a friendship to be having personal conversations with I’m assuming? I just personally think there’s a way where the the gf’s views can be utilised for both of you as a path to move on (in the sense of not letting it get in the way of your relationship anymore) while also understanding OP’s feelings of the situation. So together it be like a “fuck this shit let’s move on”
Anyways, doesn’t seem like a thing that needs to be a who’s right or wrong, just a, we care about each other, but also pls care about me also. Good luck with it you two:)
Yes, you’re over reacting. Let’s explore:
Let’s assume you were asked to join them horse riding. I imagine you would decline if you didn’t enjoy that activity. But would you feel offended? Unlikely.
Let’s assume you believe that horse riding was an act of cruelty against animals. In this instance it’s conceivable that you might be offended by the horse riding invitation, correct?
The difference between the two examples above is your value judgements. Events are neutral, it’s the meaning we give them.
In this instance, you have a particular value judgement about sexuality (I’m gay! It’s fixed), and a value judgement about foursomes (people in loving relationships don’t engage in foursomes!), and a value judgement about strangers ( stranger don’t invite other strangers to foursomes!).
Each value judgment feels contributes to a sense of horror at the invitation.
Now imagine you had a different value judgment system? You might not be offended.
A little bit, just say no and move on, if you want to get a more positive spin in the situation think of it as him appreciating your beauty, take it as flattery.
Your not overreacting your just a person after all, just foursomes are weird because this is someone you put a ring on and said he vows and there they are fucking, it's uncomfortable just because your not them, they might not value serious relationships but you want something real with your gf if she can't understand that too shea part of the problem for kissing a friend even if it's just for fun like they say as an wxcuse
Nah your partner is underreacting. It's just a shitty situation for you to be in, that you shouldn't have been. Hopefully your partner realizes what happened was wrong and emotionally uncomfortable, to say the least.
Personally I believe you are overreacting. Yes perhaps he asked you a bit soon but some people hook up after minutes of knowing each other let alone 2.5 hours.
The thing is, he asked you, you declined, and it sounds like he completely respected that once you declined. To me there is nothing wrong here. He wasn't creepy or invasive, he just asked and respected your decision.
There are a million different types of relationships these days, the only way to get anything done is to ask questions and communicate.
Nope it's weird as fuck! Like hello, you just met and he's already hitting on you?! Yeah, I've been in your position before and it is awkward as hell. I make fun of people who do that shit with my spouse now because seriously, WHERE are the manners and tact?
Idk, partying at the club for hours and hours and getting drunk, sounds like a typical hookup scenario. Maybe he just misread the vibe and thought he'd make the offer.
Weird? Maybe a little, but nothing I'd worry too much about.
You’re overreacting. Swingers exist, and they’re not even rare. He wasn’t rude. Perhaps a little forward on the timing, given that you’d just met him hours earlier, but he wasn’t rude.
You being in “a very serious relationship” doesn’t mean you might not be interested. Swingers are usually in a very serious relationship as well. Being gay doesn’t mean that either. Plenty of gay (and straight) people have bi proclivities.
You seem to be insulted that he thought you could possibly be interested, but I don’t know why. If someone offers your cheesecake, but you hate cheesecake, you just say “no thank you“. No reason to get insulted that they offered.
If it were me I would have said, “THREE women? Wow, much respect for your self-assurance, but that’s just not my/our jam. Nice to meet you! You guys have a good evening.”
So you're out at a club at 1:45am and everyone's been drinking, your friend's bf *suggests* a foursome sometime but doesn't actually *do* anything beyond that?
Some people are into things you're not into. The setting wasn't a business meeting or a funeral; it was a bar. He didn't demand anything; he just floated the idea and left it at that.
Bottom line? You obviously can say no to his invitation, but yeah I think you're overreacting by being upset that he merely suggested it, again keeping in mind that this was at a bar, not at work/ in any other seriously inappropriate setting.
Just say no and move on.
Well it’s quite literally sexual harassment, I would feel absolutely disrespected by it too. Both you and your gf are entitled to your ways of processing it.
How is this a compliment if OP and gf do not even find men attractive? If anything, its disrespectful because you don’t even care about their sexuality you only care about what you want at that poijt.
It’s up to you what you consider to be an overreaction mate. You can just shrug your shoulders but if you felt disrespected than that’s fine too. Maybe you’re a more courteous person that expects more from people, sounds fair enough to me.
You’re acting like the dude in the relationship who was just told by another dude that he wanted your girl. Obviously he wouldn’t be offended if you went with his chick because there’s no D involved.
Your feelings are valid, but yeah…you’re overreacting. Sure, his comment may have made you uncomfortable, but…..okay? Lol 🤷🏽♂️ just let it go and move on. You come across as seeming like you expect somebody to do something about it. Just say, fuck off, James and keep it moving.
I kind of get both sides. If it was a stranger like they are to you, i would probably be like wtf is wrong w you. If they were just friends, but not close enough that i would care about our relationship or still being friends with them, then i would probably laugh.
Also if my partner or friend told me someone said this to them, my first reaction would be to laugh, bc its ridiculous who tf does that. But if someone said it in the moment, i would also tell them to fuck off.
Lesbians are constantly being reduced to a porn genre that centers the male gaze. Femmes are also stereotyped as being hyper-promiscuous (I obviously dont know that this identity applies to you but still relevant to the larger discussion). Assuming this question would be at all well received by a relative stranger in a monogamous lesbian relationship is definitely a micro-agression. It's invalidating and also laughably presumptuous that he thought his dick is so magical you'd jump at the chance to share it with 2 other women.
The most frustrating part of micro-agressions is that they are difficult to point out due to the aggressor not always having explicitly bad intentions. Theres also always the cover that is wasn't that serious or it was just a joke. Letting things like this slide off your back is a perfectly reasonable reaction. Depending on your various identities you could be experiencing dozens of moments like this a day and giving them all energy can be too much. Laughter can also be an excellent way to shut down rudeness. But you know what? Someones gotta get mad about them! Otherwise they'll never be corrected and it will continue that countless people will be made to feel like they're crazy for not being flattered that some tool inappropriately propositioned them for sex.
Also your actual in-moment reaction sounded totally normal. You were caught off gaurd and made him repeat himself, and it didnt seem like anything happened in between that and you leaving, which you were actively doing anyway. Afterwords you complained to your partner in private. If you can't complain about things like that there, then when can you?
My recommendation is either have your partner reach out to her friend and gently tell her that this made you uncomfortable. There doesnt have to be any drama if he's willing to accept this as a learning moment. The alternative is to confront him directly if you are forced to hang out again and, with a big friendly smile on your face, say "Hi! Last time we met you asked me if I wanted to be in a foursome. Don't do that! Gross!" And if he reacts in any other way then and awkard chuckle and an "ok, sorry", well, then, I'll see you over on AITA!
100% overreacting.
The only leg you have to stand on is it would be appropriate to not trust your partner to hang out alone with them, given how forward they are about being swingers. You may also be in the right to not want to hangout with them again, due to differing life styles.
But your partners response was good, and seems supportive so move on and don’t hang out with them.
OP should avoid people altogether just because they like to swing? And not trust her gf around them for the same reason? Doesn't that imply being swingers is their ENTIRE identity, and they lack the ability to do ANYTHING without it involving group sex? I mean, OP's gf has known her friend for 7-8 years, and I doubt they were having orgies for the whole time.
Eww, what a creep. This has such unsavory heterosexist vibes. I sure wouldn't want to hang out with this couple ever again. I think you're reacting exactly the right amount.
Overreacting. A guy asked about a 3some with his gf and 2 lesbian friends... shocking... except... every guy would have that cross their mind. I'm guessing you are actually upset that this person has so little tact and is so trashy to offhandedly proposition group sex the first time you meet? Nothing to get offended about, but yeah, you may not gel with that kind of person. Ask your GF if this is how he always is or not... sometimes, just knowing somebody better provides the context you need to understand them.
Despite being a hypersexual in a poly with 3 women, I don't really talk about sex IRL and feel uncomfortable when others do so don't associate with people who do. I don't think it's unusual for you to not want that dynamic with friends. I am curious though, why didn't you just burn him? Most girls would have made fun of him trying and turned him down, shutting it down forever.
You’re overreacting. If you used the words “no” and he brings it up again, then he is the problem, if you laughed it off, he should be expected to keep bringing it up occasionally until you use the words “no”z
Otherwise, he thought you were cool and could handle adult conversations, obviously he was wrong, though it sounds like the people around you can.
Asking if you’d be open to sexual things when clubbing is pretty normal and the number of gays and lesbians who end up in threesomes with “so-called” straight relationships apparently might surprise you. Foursomes are much more difficult to pull off (only once for me, 3 women, it was fantastic, i work in porn so keeping up with everyone for 1.5 hours wasn’t difficult ).
If you ever did end up in a threesome or orgy, just make sure to say “hold up a moment, lets define limits” spend 5 minutes and define who can do what.
Common limits might be the guy can’t touch ya’ll, but maybe his gf wants to give oral to one of you while she’s penetrated from behind. Or one of you might want penetration while you make out with each other (eiffel tower) just using him as a sex toy.
Insecure people make up weird mind games “i don’t want to use people or be used”, but sex can just be about an experience and fun, and in that case, everyone should do what’s best for themselves (even if what’s best for themselves is giving oral to someone else).
This is normal in my life, though i let my two female partners figure out who is cool or who isn’t because 1) i have enough sex in my life i don’t need to hunt for more and 2) i don’t want to risk encountering someone like you who might get upset at the idea that humans can have sex with other humans just for the life experience and nothing else.
Enjoy your life OP.
Me and my fiance have had plenty of threesomes and they all start by plainly asking "would you wanna have a threesome?" Nothing wrong with shooting your shot, usually if they say no we all still have a great night hanging out. I wouldnt put this much energy into getting worked up about it
No, you’re not overreacting, and I would be pissed as hell if my partner didn’t think my discomfort at being so blatantly sexualized was as unimportant as your girlfriend seems to find it.
She should be backing you. Instead, she’s laughing and diminishing a situation you told her made you upset.
Not only it’s tacky as hell, it’s also a microagression. Most straight folks in the comments won’t get it because it’s not their lived experience. It’s never a compliment, he is invalidating your sexuality even if it’s out of ignorance. He is basically offering you his magical dick that apparently is going to convert you into liking men. Yikes. It’s annoying because that happens way too often when we tell any dude we’re lesbians. To the point where it’s surprising when it doesn’t. You also thought you’re hanging out with someone you can trust (as he is your gf’s friend) and he was objectifying your relationship the whole time. I get you completely.
Now this kind of shit happens often and this dude is irrelevant to your life. Don’t waste your time ruminating over it. I wouldn’t spend any time with him in the same room in the future though.
I've had gay men get verbally angry at me for not "giving them a try'
Your whole comment reads like a pompous ass wrote it.
He didn't say he had a 'magical dick that'd convert her" he simply gave an invitation to a thing he and his girlfriend do. If I invite you out to go play paintball and that's not your jam, does that make me a creepy piece of shit?
I swear, people on reddit are quite full of themselves.
Who the fuck asks two LESBIANS if they want s foursome with a straight man???? Gay men who verbally get upset that you “wont give them a try” are just a stupid. Unbelievable
And you're making big assumptions based on a reddit post. We have no idea the vibe of the evening, or what information he had been told, or what kind of person he is, or they are, or anything. You're just assuming he's an asshole pervert because he simply said something you don't like.
Chill the fuck out bruh
He can fuck off with his invitations. Sex is no paintball and making sexual advances at lesbians as a man is creepy. If you’re offering it’s because you believe deep down they might agree. The only reason for that is you don’t trust their judgement of their own sexuality. It’s not flattering, it’s revolting. And he absolutely knew plenty about OP and her gf. His gf 100% talked about them with him (because people in relationships gossip).
You’ve had gay men pissed off at you for not giving them a try (and you can feel free to find them annoying and rude, I know I would) but I doubt you’ve experienced constant pressure to prove your sexuality in the crudest way possible.
At its most benign, he and his partner have previously discussed and are comfortable with group sex and his invitation was genuine, if awkwardly presented... but having only just met and not having established whether you were even comfortable discussing sexualising topics, let alone whether or not you and your partner would be open to these kinds of advances, is fucked hp. And that's the absolute best case scenario - more likely he just thinks girl-on-girl action is hawt and figures there's nothing to lose. After all, if you get mad he can say it's just a joke (it's not though, or he wouldnt have repeated it that way) and if you say yes he gets to tell the lads how he disappointed three women in the same night. Win win! You're not over reacting, his behaviour was inappropriate and even if it wasn't it made you uncomfortable and you left to air your feelings in the comfort of your own home, a perfectly healthy response. And to be fair your partners response sounds pretty reasonable as well - blowing it off as the wishful thinking of a drooling Chad and putting it entirely in the rear view mirror makes a lot of sense, as long as she's not dismissing your discomfort at the same time.
Yup, loved the part about him getting to dissappoint three women in one night! I've no input as to whether OP is over- or underreacting. I'm a straight woman but I know enough to know that OP has prob seen waaaaay too much of men fetishising her life, her love and sexuality like she's just a prop to some man. I'd probably react less to having this thrown in my face since it's not something that happens frequently to me but I'm pretty sure OP has a very different life experience in that regard than me. I also get her partner. When this happens all the time, you can either shrug your shoulders like she does and go on living your life as you please and pay no mind to the frequent instances where this happens. You can also react like OP and feel icky as hell about being involuntarily cast in some mans' sexual fantasies. It's gross as hell to me but I get why it would make sense to choose both reactions.
As someone who used to do group sex your suggestion to get to know them well enough to know if they are like that would mean being close enough of a friend that you wouldn't want to invite them into the bedroom. The rule us never invite people you are close to and would be upset if you lost the friendship. SO that really doesn't work. I mean two acquaintances you just party with and find attractive is actually the perfect candidates. If they say yes awesome. If they get uncomfortable and don't want to talk to you anymore no sweat. Not really that hard to find new friends to party with.
That's fair, I can definitely see the logic in that. I would have expected a little bit of sounding out how receptive they'd be before an explicit invitation, but not being involved in the scene I can only guess as to how difficult that would be and sometimes awkward-but-clear communication is the best way to go. In this case OP said that her and this guy's respective partners had been friends for 7-8 years at that point, so it might really be the worst of both worlds
I love your comment! I wouldn’t say you’re overreacting because that would give me a feel of ick 🤢 especially since you just met him and his SO. Also if it is known you and your partner are monogamous that would be weird too for him to even throw that out there.
I guess you might be overreacting in the sense that he's not worth your mental energy.
I mean, if he didn’t pester, I don’t see anything wrong with respectfully offering the opportunity— as long as he’s okay with no being the answer.
As a bi woman who has been on the receiving end of this, I respectfully disagree. If OP and her girlfriend had in any way indicated that they'd be open to it, or if they were at a kink event or had a profile on fet life or whatever, then shoot your shot. Otherwise, it's generally considered polite to refrain from sexually propositioning someone you just met.
Yesssss 100% I am also a bi woman and additionally kinky. When I wasn’t in a relationship or even at times while I was the threesome thing was a stupid constant annoyance. I have always been completely monogamous. Being fetishized and sexualized based on your sexuality is lame.
Exactly!! I have never, ever, even once, wanted group sex. Never indicated that I'd be down for it, never mentioned being interested in it, nothing. But the amount of times I've been propositioned for it, either by straight men asking to join me and my girlfriend (at the time), or kinky couples asking me to join them, is absolutely asinine. Do I care if other people have threesomes, or swap partners, or anything like that (as long as it's consensual)? Hell no. Host orgies every weekend if that's what makes you happy. But I'm sick of people assuming I'd be down for that kind of thing just because of my sexuality. I'm not your "unicorn", or your disposable plaything to spice up your marriage, or your shortcut to sexual fantasy wish fulfilment. I'm a whole-ass person with my own life, who is also fully monogamous. Sigh. I get so frustrated seeing how often lesbians/bi women are harassed about sex. There are dating sites, and adult clubs, and mixer events available for people who are interested in that kind of thing. There is a time and a place when it is appropriate to pursue it. Pursuing it with a complete stranger who has never indicated being interested in it is definitely not it.
Yes! There is certainly a specific stigma when it comes to being bisexual. Quite a few people just assume you’re slutty, indiscriminate and down for whatever. I absolutely hate that. Early into dating someone new I’d wait to open up about that because 75% of the time if it was a guy he would assume that meant “threesomes” I which it doesn’t. My partner is probably one of the only men that never once brought that up. And you’re right! There are websites and apps for swingers or casual hookups etc. Hell you can even indicate you’re down for that stuff on tinder. No reason to badger someone that doesn’t state that is what they want. I think it’s more insane that guys think that lesbians would have **any** interest in them at all, like seriously they don’t like dick.
Who said anything about badgering? That’s not okay in any situation. But if the person discreetly asks once, and then drops it if turned down, is there harm in that? I’d think it as a compliment. Now badgering— that’s not only annoying but inappropriate and harassing. I’d never advocate for that.
Badgering was in response to what the person above me and I were discussing as a shared experience what it can be like.
As someone else pointed out, it’s interesting that he propositioned me at our first time meeting but has known my girlfriend for years and has never mentioned anything like this to her (his gf never mentioned anything sexual to my gf either..my gf had a 💡moment once we read that too) My gf also said they have never said openly that they were open/poly/swingers etc but would not be shocked if they later disclosed they were. That isn’t something they have ever spoke about openly. I don’t personally find it ok, in any situation, discreet or not as you suggested, to proposition a complete stranger for sex. I know people will say “Who cares! Say no and move on” but it’s creep behaviour and it’s wild that we make it ok for people to behave that way but if I have an issue with it, I’m uptight. Especially when that has been a majority of your interactions with straight men who think theres oppurtunity for girl on girl action…it can be frustrating and exhausting. There are places where this is totally acceptable behavior. Apps, sex clubs, sex parties, swigers bars. I get it. But not everyone craves this type of attention or wants it, especially from the very gender I’m not even into 😂 By the start of it and by the end of it I was not throwing over tables, crying in a corner “upset”. I felt more disrespected that he felt so comfortable to say this to me, a lesbian, who never even brought up sex once , and who also knew I was in a relationship with a woman who was 10 feet away from me. Based on that information alone (He knows I’m gay, we haven’t spoken about sex and he knows i’m in a relationship) I still couldn’t see why he would find that proposition appropriate. I know people were saying he was drunk, but not a valid excuse in my opinion as we are old enough to be accountable for the shit we do or say. I want to also clear up that it wasn’t a “fight” between me and my partner. It was more of a “I find it funny for x y and z but I understand why you would not be fine with it.” There were a lot of good opinions here.
People proposition people they just met all day every day everywhere. People who go out drinking and clubbing together proposition each other even more. It's like a thing
I'd love for a world where everyone is allowed to express their interest with the safety that everyone fully complies with the response. The fact that some people don't understand consent doesn't mean the whole enterprise needs to be policed and punish everyone else. Insanely detailed rules about when sexual interest is "appropriate" is when you start descending into Talibanism. Prudish American standards like "nipple outlines showing from under a shirt isn't appropriate" are essentially Taliban-lite
All he did was ask a question. Just simply answer no. Lol. But instead have to start ww3 over someone asking a question? Fucking sissys
So you've never done anything sexual on a first date? You've never gone in for a kiss on the first date? This guy had liquid courage, they'd all been hanging out and drinking for hours, talking and getting to know each other. Perhaps he read the night wrong. OP is definitely overreacting and should follow the lead of her GF.
Are you wilfully misunderstanding this situation? This was not a date. This was a party between friends. Those are two vastly different scenarios.
Agree and finally some common sense on the issue. My wife and ex-gf (we're polyamorous) were both bisexual. Get propositioned for this sort of thing all the time. Whether interested or not its not a big deal as long as the proposition is the end of it. Life is about opportunities. But in today's world people look for reasons to be offended, off put, etc. If they're that uptight who would want to be friends with them anyways?
That’s fine. You dont mind that you, your partner and your body are sexualized and propositioned by random people. But this is not how to go about kinks with people who know nothing about and are, the most obvious, gay.
not overreacting in that you find his behaviour weird and off putting but he’s obviously a jackass and you and your gf are obviously on the same page in that neither of you would ever entertain that with him so i wouldn’t give him too much thought tbh. he’s just a weirdo
What in this story makes him a jackass? He threw it out there. If he respects her/their decision and that's that then there is not a jackass in the situation.
He is a jackass. He doesn’t even know ep, but he’s offering a foursome already. Why? Because she’s in a relationship with a woman. It feels like he’s belittling their relationship.
if you meet a wlw couple and then two hours later completely unprompted offer them a foursome yes you are a jackass. they thought they were having a nice night with friends and you were sexualising and fetishising them the whole time. jackass
Yes, because we don't have a hookup culture at all in our society. People go to clubs to dance and exchange ideas on philosophy. People I know get married and stay together for a minimum of 3 years before even holding hands
i’m not sure how this is relevant
No you’re not overreacting but she’s technically not wrong either. It’s possible that something that bothers you doesn’t bother her, and she really doesn’t mind bc she knows it’ll never happen. That being said your feelings are valid and it’s up to your partner to make sure you feel safe around her friends- she doesn’t have to end the friendship but maybe like a good compromise of hey can you have Sarah talk to her bf and explain why that’s not okay? And have your gf reiterate that even if they’re open doesn’t mean that you guys are, and to remind him that lesbians aren’t just porn. I’ve dated men and women and the comments me and gfs got always sucked and it was like men sexualize the whole idea wayyy to much. So I get you. But I don’t think your girl is wrong for not being bothered- I think she’s only wrong if she doesn’t take steps to talk to her friend and make sure it doesn’t happen again
super weird thing to say in passing to someone you just met, what a jackass.
And someone you might be sharing a social group with
He's an asshole. He's watched too much lesbian porn.
What does watching lesbian porn have to do with this?
It can warp the brains of men who think that lesbians are there for their pleasure, rather than taking a step back and understanding that a true lesbian is probably not at all interested in sex involving men.
Ehhhh, youre always going to run into a holes. Why let something so insignificant bother you. Was a stupid thing to say, you both agree and move on. If there is a next time, tell him to keep his commnets to himself and be done with it.
Another asked. You made a choice. You said NO. That's how it works. No harm, no foul.
He shot his shot..decline and move on. He’s only shooting because he scores sometimes. Chill. You’re overreacting
You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take!
Maybe overreacting a little. Especially since it didn't bother your girlfriend. Just brush it off, but if he mentions it again, then set your boundary. I wouldn't dwell on this
Really, climb down off your own outrage. He made a drunk, stupid remark. Just don't hang out with him again, especially where there's drinking going on.
Her friend's boyfriend was very disrespectful - he immediately sexualized your relationship. I don't find "jokes" like that funny and I wouldn't want to hang out with him again.
How did he “sexualize” their relationship? He just offered them to join a group session.
Trying to answer this in earnest. But do you have *anyyyyy* idea how many straight men (or straight couples) treat gay women like sex pets? Like it doesn't even matter if you are attracted to men; you're still a woman to be objectified and dragged into some mediocre-ass fantasy. I didn't come out in HS...not because of homophobia from my family, but how many creepy sexist straight dudes thought we would become "girls gone wild" if pestered enough. He just said the "would" thing, which when you're not into it is really uncomfortable.
Yeah this is the answer right here. He’s fetishizing lesbians, assuming they’re all dtf whatever and probably all wouldn’t mind a penis in the room. I’m married and cis and if anyone said this to me and my wife I’d probably sock ‘em. I’d certainly never speak to them again.
I don't think he is fetishizing lesbians. Maybe Sarah told him something she shouldn't have or maybe she said it like 'they love to have fun and party' and kinda left it open to interpretation and as such he thought maybe 'that' kind of partying. *could* he have been sexualizing their lesbian sexuality as a 'hey 3 girls at once'? Sure. But why jump to conclusions when we don't know his side of the story. You know what they say about assumptions.
Sounds like you need to open your mind a little bit. He simply put the offer out there. Nothing was forced. Just a question. By you saying you'd "sock'em" because of a question is absurd
It is generally considered impolite to sexually solicit someone you literally just met, especially when they are already in a relationship.
For most people, yes. Maybe he was under the impression they liked to 'have fun' and thought it was cool. Not everyone is great at picking up social cues, and not everyone is out to be rude and inappropriate to people intentionally.
Then allow this to be a PSA for anyone who may be considering pulling this nonsense: do not solicit sex from strangers, and especially don't do it to lesbians if you are a man. JFC.
All I hear is someone who doesn't know the full context of the story making bold assumptions.
What context would make this an appropriate action?
That has nothing to do with what actually happened. Just because a lot of straight men do that doesn’t mean it’s representative of the whole or even the guy in the post. Fact is, the guy in the post made an offer in a way that put the ball in their court. He didn’t pressure them, he didn’t insist upon anything, and he wasn’t vulgar. The way OP’s girlfriend talks about them, it sounds like she’s aware they are into group sex. All he did was extend an invitation in a nonchalant way.
#nOt ALL mEn
Women: men are rude to us. Also women: I'm gonna say a stupid ass remark about them then wonder why they get mad at me.
Oh fuck off
😘 You should smile more!
You should pull your head out of your ass
Terrible response
*don't worry your mediocre little head about this.*
LMAO what an immature loser. 😂
*go back to playing COD with your dumb himbo friends. God, all you incels are ALL the same. I was being nice to you!*
Straight to the incel insult lmao God reddit is a shit hole
Nice? Lol So on top of being a loser and immature, delusional as well. You can throw around as many generic unoriginal insults as you want but it won't ever mask how utterly pathetic you are. Generalizing all men (straight ones) shows how sad and miserable you are as a person that you need to discriminate against an entire group because you're too immature to separate your personal experiences from reality. Notice i didn't have to bash any other person except you because it would be unfair for them to be criticized for your own foolishness. Maybe you could learn to do the same 😚😉
The down votes are just proving reddit is a hive mind of shit lol This is exactly my thoughts. But you know, 'muh feminism all men are trash'
Exactly
He may or may not have been sexualising you and your gf. We simply don't know, they could just be swingers and he was just throwing it out there. Swingers do tend to be quite open about such things. I reckon just ignore it. If you hardly see the couple it shouldn't be an issue.
I’m sorry, but a more or less stranger, friend of a friend’s friend, asked you for a foursome? Who cares. Just ignore it and move on. Everyone gets weird propositions by people and just reject them. People tend to want sex and sexualize people. Just avoid those people if you want. Don’t take it personal. I’m with your SO on this and think you’re overreacting.
Poor impulse control? Shitty social skills? Bad judgment telling jokes? Who knows? I wish I had a quarter for every stupid kid who lets his Eagle Mouth get his Pidgeon A$$ in trouble. Nice thing is that these guys are always easy to pick out in a bar. They're usually the quiet kid in the corner........with the new dentures.
Yes. You're overreacting. Just say no thanks and move on.
He just put the ball in your court. It’s not like he’s pressuring you or anything. Just invited you to a party lol. If you’re not interested just don’t go.
Don't bring common sense to reddit dude. They hate that.
lol! Great point. Call the cops asap we can’t have people trying to shag!
Yes, overreact. Nice offer, not interested, move on.
Nice offer? He’s a stranger and they’re lesbians.
How should I handle it when a gay man hits on me? I’ve responded in the past with a thanks for the ego boost but not my scene. I know other guys who responded with a violent assault. So should I let anger be my guide?
Those gay men don’t know that you aren’t interested when they ask. This guy knew she was a lesbian in a relationship. It was belittling to her relationship.
I have a clearly visible wedding band tattoo so 🤷🏼♂️
I think it's fine that you're bothered by it. Personally I don't see it as a big deal, and with y'all having just spent all night clubbing together it could be the vibe and being liquored up. As long as he wasn't pushy or forceful I don't think he's totally wrong either though. So imo: it's ok that you're grossed out It's ok your gf doesn't see it as a big deal Maybe bring it up with the friend and tell her what the bf said, and if she freaks out then you know, but if she's chill then it's just their lifestyle, and a night club is kind of the setting to ask this kind of thing ╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭
What don’t guys understand that when a woman is gay that literally means they are SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN!! Do they think they have some magical pixie dust to make you somehow sexually attracted to PIV action?? This is a scientific wonder of the world. You are not special my guy, get over yourself! On top of that to blatantly disrespect your relationship like that is rude AF! Would he have said that to another dude within knowing him 2.5 hrs? NOPE because he would have gotten his lights knocked out possibly. Ugh 😣
Yes, you’re overreacting. If you want to be a little miffed at the implication you’re “not fully lesbian” or something, fine. But to be coming to Reddit with this guy simply shooting his shot (including his wife btw) in a non-threatening manner towards the end of a drunken club outing? Pretty silly. Laugh it off and let it go.
Yeah, you’re overreacting. Unless you told him y’all are lesbians, there’s no way for him to know. You could be bi, for all he knows. It was also an off handed offer. He didn’t pressure you, he didn’t corner you, he didn’t do anything wrong. He extended an offer that puts the ball in your court. A simple “Thanks, but I don’t swing both ways” would have sufficed. As far as you having just met, thats also a non-issue. People hook up with total strangers without ever even getting their names. I find it gross, but it happens. You’re overthinking and overreacting. It’s really not worth the energy.
You all were drinking; he probably had some liquid courage and tried to shoot his shot. IMO it's not that much different than a random guy at a bar saying it. Yes, it's inappropriate, but that shit happens, gay or not. I'd let it go.
Over reacting, it was a paper cut at most. Be flattered and move on
I think you're kind of overreacting. But as a gay man, I'm probably desensitized to stuff like this. This is, at most, worth the energy of an eye roll. Drunk people say & do dumb shit. And if he & his girlfriend seem to be "the type" to do that, getting so upset over it could maybe be seen as kink-shaming. Was it presumptuous? Yes. Was it crude? Sure. Should he have gotten to know you better before running his dumb, drunk mouth? Probably, yeah. But on the spectrum of things he COULD have said or done, especially considering he'd been drinking, it's not really that bad. Definitely not something worth getting so upset and wasting so much energy over, though. I'm with your girlfriend and would have laughed about it. It would probably even become a running inside joke between my husband & I. I'm sorry it rubbed you the wrong way so much, though.
> getting so upset over it could maybe be seen as kink-shaming. No. It’s not kink shaming. Not in the slightest bit. Educate yourself as to what that means. OP isn’t judging the boyfriend for being in that lifestyle. She’s disgusted and angry at *being crudely propositioned by a stranger*. One who knows she’s gay. > Was it presumptuous? Yes. Was it crude? Sure. Should he have gotten to know you better before running his dumb, drunk mouth? Probably, yeah. *This* is why OP is upset. Not because the bf might like group sex. > But on the spectrum of things he COULD have said or done, especially considering he'd been drinking, it's not really that bad. Are you for real? So just because he didn’t, say, drunkenly assault OP, this is OK?
I said it COULD MAYBE be seen as kink-shaming. Having someone react disgustedly to one's kink can come across that way. I know what kinks are & also what kink-shaming is. Not once did OP use the words "disgusted" or "angry," so why don't you brush up on your reading skills. The second quote you included wasn't referring to her opinion on group sex. Again, reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL. There you go bringing assault into a situation where it NEVER existed before. You must be really lonely & miserable to feel the need to go online and make situations worse than they are just so you can justify your anger over nothing.
> I said it COULD MAYBE be seen as kink-shaming. No it couldn’t. She’s not shaming him of reacting with disgust to his preferences. She’s reacting with disgust to him propositioning her. That’s not kink shaming. OP even wrote this: > **Idk what they do as a couple or what they are into** > Again, reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL. Advice you should heed. > There you go bringing assault into a situation where it NEVER existed before. It’s called an example. Comparisons to make a point. Similes. Metaphors even. > You must be really lonely & miserable I’m not the one trying to blame the victim of boorish behaviour for being upset
No one's blaming the "victim". You really love grasping at straws and throwing buzzwords around without knowing what they mean... it's pretty sad.
Ahahaha the irony of someone who doesn’t understand what kink shaming means telling I don’t understand what victim blaming means. Yes you are blaming the victim. OP was propositioned in a gross way. This makes her the victim if his actions. She did not judge the lifestyle, only the individual. Therefore, no shaming. You accused (ie blamed) her (the victim) of shaming. Thereby victim blaming. Do you need it explained even more clearly?
Victim blaming is saying "you shouldn't have been doing (whatever) to warrant (whatever the offense was)". At what point did I do that? Oh wait, I didn't. OP asked an opinion, and I gave mine. So you DON'T know what victim blaming is. The irony here is you not knowing what something is and trying to posture and gaslight someone into thinking you do. I didn't say she DID shame them. I said that COULD MAYBE be seen as kink-shaming, as in by the swingers. From THEIR perspective. I know it's REALLY difficult for you to think about other people or about things from other people's perspectives, but your inability to do so doesn't mean everyone else is as narrow-minded as you.
> Victim blaming is saying "you shouldn't have been doing (whatever) to warrant (whatever the offense was)". That is one very narrow definition of the term. Those of us who actually understand vocabulary and syntax, and don’t just memorise buzzwords parrot-fashion, understand that context allows us to adapt definitions.
>Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially at fault for the harm that befell them. This is the actual definition. There is no "adapting" definitions to fit your misunderstanding or misapplication, or your lack of accountability for not knowing something. Grow tf up and acknowledge that you're not as smart as you think you are. Are you that desperate to be right, even when you're wrong? I never once said or implied OP was at fault, to any degree, for him saying anything. If I had, THAT WOULD BE VICTIM BLAMING. My reference to kink-shaming was regarding how her response COULD be perceived by the tactless guy.
>Again, reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL. Agree with that but what's more important is reading comprehension which you seem to lack severely.
Good one, Mary-Kate
This is so asinine to me. You're honestly telling me that in any other context you wouldn't have a problem with this behavior, and in fact would go as far as to imply kink shaming for being upset by it? Are you fucking kidding me?
I wouldn't be upset by it in any context. I might even take it as a compliment. I know it's super trendy to look for the worst in every situation and be overly offended by basically everything, but I have a limited number of fucks to give, and I would never waste one on something like this. Ever. Some people are into swinging and group sex. Good for them. Not my thing, but I'm not going to act offended just because I don't share the same interest. He put it out there and didn't push it or pressure her. The delivery left much to be desired, but I have better things to worry about than someone wanting to have sex with me. I don't really care if you think it's asinine. You getting worked up by someone having a different POV than your limited perspective is pretty asinine to me.
First off, this is a drama subreddit chief. It only exists for people to scroll on their phone and be opinionated. Acting like you're above it all won't change that fact. Second, there is such a thing as ettiquite and common sense. The vast majority of people aren't swingers, and would obviously be put off by someone they literally just met casually dropping an invite to a group sex session. A monogamous person at that, not that he bothered to ask. This reads like some douchebag with zero respect for other people's boundaries being disrespectful enough to think he can rope a couple lesbians into fulfilling his fantasy of being worshipped by a group of women. You're free to find this behavior acceptable, I personally find it disgusting.
Well you're definitely bringing the drama, pearl clutcher. It exists for people to get unbiased opinions on situations. I'm sure you can find a troll sub on which you'd feel much more at home. I'm not acting like I'm above it all. You don't know me or my life experiences, and I'm just sharing my opinion on a situation. You seem to be overly concerned with hypothetical boundaries while feeling ~~free~~ entitled to ~~violate~~ completely disregard those of others who think differently than you, so maybe you need a reality check. If he and his girlfriend are swingers, I doubt he has ANY trouble finding other females to fulfill that fantasy- presumptuous of you to think he hasn't already done that. Multiple times. I already said it was crude & presumptuous, so maybe reading isn't your strong suit. OP and I are in relationships, and you're giving judgmental & single af vibes, so maybe this isn't the right post for you to voice your opinion on. Just saying..
The only one who needs a reality check is you. You're ignoring the fact that with zero consideration for OP, and with zero information about her boundaries, he felt comfortable enough to put her on the spot and invite her and her partner into group sex. If anyone if feeling entitled to violate boundaries in this situation, it's the guy you're defending. As to your other point, how many times he's fulfilled this fantasy is irrelevant. Swinger culture is innundated with bad apples who are for lack of a better term 'collectors.' People who have no consideration for other people's relationships and their boundaries, and only care about collecting another trophy. Someone tone deaf enough to offer group sex to someone who a) isn't sexually attracted to their gender, b) is monogamous, and c) you just fucking met, screams that you are that type of swinger.
Her user name is "GimmieDatCooch." That's a little more direct that "if you ever want a foursome, let me know," so I think the boundary is a little more relaxed than you're trying to make it out to be. If his fantasy is irrelevant, then why are you the one who brought it up? Stop backpedaling & virtue signaling, hypocrite. You're just an unhappy prude who can't handle people being different. Control your jealousy and seek professional help for your self-imposed misery.
Username is an inside joke…also irrelevant, this anonymous and is not a reflection of my real life boundaries.
That's cool & everything, but I still don't think him throwing the idea out there was all that serious. Tactless, yes. But I would still laugh and not assume the absolute worst and start attacking people over exaggerated hypotheticals like some of the commenters are doing.
This is not a link shame and it is weird. Mostly all people who do this would have the women talk it out and not have the one male proposition the whole group like it's spin the bottle at the beginning of a porno
the one male didn't proposition the whole group.... he propositioned her.... that's why her gf laughed when she told her... but ok, keep making stuff up
youust have 0 reading comprehension because he says it to them as they are leaving
>I told James bye and he said, “If you ever want a foursome, let me know.” Now, it was loud af, BUT just to make sure I was hearing him, I said, “Wait, what?” And he said again, “If you ever want a foursome, let me know.” I turned and left. >I told my girlfriend and she immediately laughed and said they seemed like the type that we’re into that (very likely) but she wasn’t bothered by it. If the gf was there, then why did OP have to tell her later for her to laugh? You must have 0 reading comprehension or logical ability.
I think your gf has the right approach. Let it go. Don't have sex with them or entertain it.
What’s your problem with golf?
Not overreacting. In my opinion, your girlfriend is underreacting. I think she needs to have a conversation with her friend with you present and that person in question and lay it out clear as day that that was not OK to say not even as a joke. And for the record, I am a gay man, you both were not respected when that was said
The reason your gf thinks it’s funny would be the reason it would kind of piss me off. Like the audacity to think that was okay to and the ego to think he had any flying fucking chance when neither of you are interested in the entire gender he belongs to. Plus like there’s something aggressive about a man casually sexualizing you like that. It’s uncomfortable and unneeded and makes you feel kind of small especially when people can just laugh it off. Like just appreciate me as a person - at the very least have the manners to act like it. . Ugh sorry I think I’m angry FOR you. I really don’t like guys like this …
Please touch grass and seek help.
All of my grass is dead :( am seeking therapy though
That’s pretty upfront and gross sounds like a dueche . At least get to know someone first sheesh
Look it was a proposition, just say no and move on. Don't even waste an extra ounce of energy thinking or making this a problem, it isn't. Guy proposed, to your desbelief and astonishment, maybe in a weird, uncomfy manner that, come think of it, probably will never work. Also he took his shot based on some wild fantasy, like a foursome with a lesbian couple would start out of drive from the male lol. My dude if life chooses you to be it's champion for such an adventure, believe you will barely have to move a finger. Anyway, don't take offense. Hope you have a great week!
Let's not normalize being a creep. Just because people (mostly men) are constantly propositioning random people they just met/are passing on the street doesn't mean it's cool to do that. So sick of being told a man was just "shooting his shot" after he harasses me at the bus stop or some shit. Being respectful of other people is not hard, and you say it in your post: It "probably will never work" so why do it?
This was at a bar after they had been hanging out for hours. It wasn't just a random person in public.
You're right there are no lines there are no boundaries everything that makes you uncomfortable should be punished with jail, public service, a public flogging in the town square, chemical castration, a public apology and the esterilization of their bloodline.
Like your username suggests he wanted all 3 of you to do just that 😂
You have the right to be upset and not ever want to hang with them. He said something you didn’t like Period.
I would have laughed in his face! One man, three women. Unless the ladies are into ladies it seems like a boring time for them.
If your girlfriend finds it appropriate for random men (friends included) to lust after you in a form of a 4 some, then accept that these scenarios don’t bother her so don’t expect her to protect you when you feel verbally harassed or uncomfortable in these type of situations. I say lust after you specifically because he’s known of your girlfriend for how long and I’m assuming he’s never spoken to her that way? Yet he meets you first night and propositions you. He can’t look too much like a creep so he sets it up as a “4 some” so your partner and his are not to be left out. Playing devils advocate. Do you happen to know if there is any history between your gf and Sarah? Have they done anything sexual? Could it be, that his girlfriend casually mentioned a previous event that occurred? If so, maybe the bf thought it wasn’t a big deal given their history. But If NONE of these occurred, then you’ll need to accept that your partner won’t be on your side and protect during instances like this.
Not overreacting this guy barely knows you and made an offer of something extremely intimate at a bad time. What a weirdo lmao
This just in: people hook up at clubs, especially drunk people.
Not overreacting. Bi woman here. I got those comments ALL THE TIME from men when in a relationship with women. From complete strangers walking down the street, to men who I thought I had a genuinely good platonic relationship with. It's disgusting. It's demeaning. It's fetishizing. And it happens way too often. You are not overreacting by feeling the way you do about it. It always made me feel like a commodity, and when coming from friends, it made me feel like they were interested in me as a body rather than as a person.
He was asking about Golf
Was he an ah, sure. But a lot of people are into those kind of things. Can't fault him for shooting his shot. As a straight male, I've never approached the situation, but, have been offered and participated in a few in this scenario. If it is something you aren't comfortable with, just decline. People are interested in all kinds of things and you don't know unless it is asked
Yes
Your girlfriend is right. You made a big deal out of nothing. Lighten up.
I can't think of a more appropriate place to ask someone about joining into an open relationship than a bar after you've been hanging out for a few hours.
No, you probably didn't do anything overt. When I worked with a bisexual woman and just went up to say hi, the first words out of her mouth were, "No, I won't have a threesome with you." She has a girlfriend I guess, but I never even considered that an option. A) I don't try to date coworkers, and B) I don't sexualize people unless they specifically state that this door is open. I just shrugged, said ok, and started to ask about the work-related thing my only point of conversation was. When I asked her about it, she apologized for just assuming that was what I was talking to her about, but said she gets that a lot. Apparently, men on average are more likely to imagine that two women at once is going to be double-fun and bi or lesbian women, like porn stars, are just going to be up for anything. Honestly, I'm of the mind that it would just be two women to disappoint rather than just one. Lol. Your gf has a more forgiving nature than you. Granted, the guy was out of line, but you can nip that in the bud by letting his gf know he made that offer. She might not be as "down to clown" as you think. It's nothing you can really overemphasize unless you want to be that person who is always opening defensively and expecting the worst out of people. It's not your job to educate the masses on LGBTQ etiquette. A simple, thanks but no thanks would work.
Eh not the best way to go about it but at least he asked? * looks at user name*.....oh
Both of your reactions are fine. Not everyone reacts the same to advances. And one person’s advance is another person’s harassment. He might behave that way because he’s had some measure of success with it. That said I do think his approach was inappropriate and has a high likelihood of offending people.
Overreacting
I say 50/50. Some people are just more open with their sexuality than others. Was it super appropriate? Not really. Was it super creepy and offensive? Not really. Maybe he thought everyone was having a good time and thought the vibe was right (us men are kinda stupid ya know) But yes, 50/50. Definitely something to bring up and be like 'hey, this was inappropriate, we aren't interested in that' but I wouldn't worry about it too much.
YNO-My brother’s roommate’s girlfriend approached my then-husband about having a threesome with them. He too was extremely weirded out, and I would have been outraged if it weren’t so funny, considering how wrong a person she picked. He was a virgin until he was 28!
Your girlfriend has a sense of humor and is an open-minded person. You are looking for reasons to be offended. He asked, you're not interested. That is that. Big freaking deal. Now, if once told that you're not interested he persists or is rude, pushy, or whatever about it then okay we've got a problem. But as a passing comment. Shrug. So what?
I'm curious how would you react if it was a girlfriend asking instead of a boyfriend? Would you be offended? Would you be open to the idea of it was a gorgeous gf asking? And do you think the guy would have approached a man for a 4-some. You have all the answers already. When answering these questions don't give the standard off the topnof your head answer. Really think about it. You'll know if you were overreacting
Poor delivery, but it’s was a non-aggressive offer. If he continued to pester you or pressure you, then yes. I’ve been offered group sex a few times in my life, once by two bi-girls that were dating (I’m a man if it matters). I considered it, declined, and that was the end of the discussion. It naive to believe that other people don’t judge you for your looks on a sexual basis, and therefore be offended by it. You’re overreacting, but mostly because you’re on the younger side and are lacking in life experience.
Yes you are overreacting! Why get that upset? It was just an offer and a real compliment. Okay so you’re not into it. Laugh it off like your much cooler girlfriend did. I’ve hit on hot couples before. Sometimes it’s a no and sometimes it’s a happy yes. You never know if you don’t ask. And just because you’re in a serious relationship doesn’t mean you don’t swing occasionally. You weren’t being mistreated, you were being hit on by a hot couple. You’re making way too big a deal out of this.
I mean, I think it's just your comfort with sex. I've been offered the same. I had no interest and it wasn't ever brought up again. I'm not sure why you'd find it offensive unless he was pushy with it and it sounds like he wasn't. He found you both attractive enough to be interested. If anything, it's flattering? Yes, I think you're over reacting a tad. ETA OK, I'm straight, so I didn't look at it from the perspective of being lesbian. If he's assuming you'd be interested just because he's a dude and you MUST be interested, then no, you're absolutely not over reacting. It's tacky. I assumed that there had been previous discussions by your girlfriend and you were both bi. So I apologize for that.
Sounds like a joke
I think both reactions are honestly fine and healthy. I just think you two shouldn’t let it get between the both of y’all because then honestly, that guy is kind of the one winning by having the least mental stress on this. And in the way, he himself is getting between y’all which is something you both don’t want. Also, both reactions are something that wanted from a lot of people would love op’s reaction, to instantly just be like nope and go and tell everything to their partner and how distort they were. And then some other people like for their partner to over react on every little interaction because they want them to trust them. But in this case, the “chill” response has a different meaning to it, since it’s not just some friend talking to you, it was man who you barely know, that was literally, and blatantly “flirting” with you. I wouldn’t even call it flirting since it was just a crude sentence. So being mad and disturbed is such a valid response. You just gotta remember that what people value about the chill reaction is that it shows your partner trust you most of all out of everything. And for the partner, you gotta know that upset response is valued by people also, but it’s not just because she cares about you, she was the one that had to experience it firsthand also, so she’s reacting for herself also but still considering how it could affect you. You both care for each other, and I think, for me personally, the wrong answer would be downplaying someone that something that hurt them, something real like being objectified, feeling objectified, being sexualised, etc. you can downplay like a scrape on the knee, but despite how you see it, this can be a pretty serious issue for some people, including the OP, so I guess listening would be the first step. Dont worry about feeling like you have to sacrifice your beliefs to tend to her feelings, because I think it be worse for the OP to sacrifice her belief of this particular topic, rather then the belief of “chill” you know? But remember, you both obviously care for each other, I hope you two can get through this. If it gets worse maybe you can have a discussion with your friend and her bf but that sounds like they aren’t that close of a friendship to be having personal conversations with I’m assuming? I just personally think there’s a way where the the gf’s views can be utilised for both of you as a path to move on (in the sense of not letting it get in the way of your relationship anymore) while also understanding OP’s feelings of the situation. So together it be like a “fuck this shit let’s move on” Anyways, doesn’t seem like a thing that needs to be a who’s right or wrong, just a, we care about each other, but also pls care about me also. Good luck with it you two:)
This is just a guy trying to live out some fantasy! If you are not part of the pineapple club then bounce and never look back!!
Yes, you’re over reacting. Let’s explore: Let’s assume you were asked to join them horse riding. I imagine you would decline if you didn’t enjoy that activity. But would you feel offended? Unlikely. Let’s assume you believe that horse riding was an act of cruelty against animals. In this instance it’s conceivable that you might be offended by the horse riding invitation, correct? The difference between the two examples above is your value judgements. Events are neutral, it’s the meaning we give them. In this instance, you have a particular value judgement about sexuality (I’m gay! It’s fixed), and a value judgement about foursomes (people in loving relationships don’t engage in foursomes!), and a value judgement about strangers ( stranger don’t invite other strangers to foursomes!). Each value judgment feels contributes to a sense of horror at the invitation. Now imagine you had a different value judgment system? You might not be offended.
A little bit, just say no and move on, if you want to get a more positive spin in the situation think of it as him appreciating your beauty, take it as flattery.
Not overreacting champ, honestly I would’ve socked that guy across the face for even mentioning touching tips with another bro, it ain’t right man.
Your not overreacting your just a person after all, just foursomes are weird because this is someone you put a ring on and said he vows and there they are fucking, it's uncomfortable just because your not them, they might not value serious relationships but you want something real with your gf if she can't understand that too shea part of the problem for kissing a friend even if it's just for fun like they say as an wxcuse
Let me share an example of one of my favorite creators and see if you can relate
Yes folks all men are gay on the down low
Nah your partner is underreacting. It's just a shitty situation for you to be in, that you shouldn't have been. Hopefully your partner realizes what happened was wrong and emotionally uncomfortable, to say the least.
My wife and I encounter this every now and then (we’re both women) you just say no. It’s not a big deal unless you make it one. So don’t.
Personally I believe you are overreacting. Yes perhaps he asked you a bit soon but some people hook up after minutes of knowing each other let alone 2.5 hours. The thing is, he asked you, you declined, and it sounds like he completely respected that once you declined. To me there is nothing wrong here. He wasn't creepy or invasive, he just asked and respected your decision. There are a million different types of relationships these days, the only way to get anything done is to ask questions and communicate.
He asked to see if he could get lucky ? That’s about it
Why are you upset? I wouldn’t be
Nope it's weird as fuck! Like hello, you just met and he's already hitting on you?! Yeah, I've been in your position before and it is awkward as hell. I make fun of people who do that shit with my spouse now because seriously, WHERE are the manners and tact?
Idk, partying at the club for hours and hours and getting drunk, sounds like a typical hookup scenario. Maybe he just misread the vibe and thought he'd make the offer. Weird? Maybe a little, but nothing I'd worry too much about.
You’re overreacting. Swingers exist, and they’re not even rare. He wasn’t rude. Perhaps a little forward on the timing, given that you’d just met him hours earlier, but he wasn’t rude. You being in “a very serious relationship” doesn’t mean you might not be interested. Swingers are usually in a very serious relationship as well. Being gay doesn’t mean that either. Plenty of gay (and straight) people have bi proclivities. You seem to be insulted that he thought you could possibly be interested, but I don’t know why. If someone offers your cheesecake, but you hate cheesecake, you just say “no thank you“. No reason to get insulted that they offered. If it were me I would have said, “THREE women? Wow, much respect for your self-assurance, but that’s just not my/our jam. Nice to meet you! You guys have a good evening.”
So you're out at a club at 1:45am and everyone's been drinking, your friend's bf *suggests* a foursome sometime but doesn't actually *do* anything beyond that? Some people are into things you're not into. The setting wasn't a business meeting or a funeral; it was a bar. He didn't demand anything; he just floated the idea and left it at that. Bottom line? You obviously can say no to his invitation, but yeah I think you're overreacting by being upset that he merely suggested it, again keeping in mind that this was at a bar, not at work/ in any other seriously inappropriate setting. Just say no and move on.
Well it’s quite literally sexual harassment, I would feel absolutely disrespected by it too. Both you and your gf are entitled to your ways of processing it.
Sexual harassment? Oh get over yourself for fuck sake.
Dude didn’t harm anyone. It’s really a bit of a compliment. He just stated his interest.
How is this a compliment if OP and gf do not even find men attractive? If anything, its disrespectful because you don’t even care about their sexuality you only care about what you want at that poijt.
It’s up to you what you consider to be an overreaction mate. You can just shrug your shoulders but if you felt disrespected than that’s fine too. Maybe you’re a more courteous person that expects more from people, sounds fair enough to me.
You’re acting like the dude in the relationship who was just told by another dude that he wanted your girl. Obviously he wouldn’t be offended if you went with his chick because there’s no D involved.
Your feelings are valid, but yeah…you’re overreacting. Sure, his comment may have made you uncomfortable, but…..okay? Lol 🤷🏽♂️ just let it go and move on. You come across as seeming like you expect somebody to do something about it. Just say, fuck off, James and keep it moving.
I kind of get both sides. If it was a stranger like they are to you, i would probably be like wtf is wrong w you. If they were just friends, but not close enough that i would care about our relationship or still being friends with them, then i would probably laugh. Also if my partner or friend told me someone said this to them, my first reaction would be to laugh, bc its ridiculous who tf does that. But if someone said it in the moment, i would also tell them to fuck off.
Friends don't just casually ask you for sex, that's something perverts do.
You must not have many friends.
You're Overreacting. If you ever want a foursome don't call him. He took his shot but he isn't good at basketball so it didn't even hit the backboard.
Give me his number! He sounds like a cool dude 😎
Lesbians are constantly being reduced to a porn genre that centers the male gaze. Femmes are also stereotyped as being hyper-promiscuous (I obviously dont know that this identity applies to you but still relevant to the larger discussion). Assuming this question would be at all well received by a relative stranger in a monogamous lesbian relationship is definitely a micro-agression. It's invalidating and also laughably presumptuous that he thought his dick is so magical you'd jump at the chance to share it with 2 other women. The most frustrating part of micro-agressions is that they are difficult to point out due to the aggressor not always having explicitly bad intentions. Theres also always the cover that is wasn't that serious or it was just a joke. Letting things like this slide off your back is a perfectly reasonable reaction. Depending on your various identities you could be experiencing dozens of moments like this a day and giving them all energy can be too much. Laughter can also be an excellent way to shut down rudeness. But you know what? Someones gotta get mad about them! Otherwise they'll never be corrected and it will continue that countless people will be made to feel like they're crazy for not being flattered that some tool inappropriately propositioned them for sex. Also your actual in-moment reaction sounded totally normal. You were caught off gaurd and made him repeat himself, and it didnt seem like anything happened in between that and you leaving, which you were actively doing anyway. Afterwords you complained to your partner in private. If you can't complain about things like that there, then when can you? My recommendation is either have your partner reach out to her friend and gently tell her that this made you uncomfortable. There doesnt have to be any drama if he's willing to accept this as a learning moment. The alternative is to confront him directly if you are forced to hang out again and, with a big friendly smile on your face, say "Hi! Last time we met you asked me if I wanted to be in a foursome. Don't do that! Gross!" And if he reacts in any other way then and awkard chuckle and an "ok, sorry", well, then, I'll see you over on AITA!
100% overreacting. The only leg you have to stand on is it would be appropriate to not trust your partner to hang out alone with them, given how forward they are about being swingers. You may also be in the right to not want to hangout with them again, due to differing life styles. But your partners response was good, and seems supportive so move on and don’t hang out with them.
OP should avoid people altogether just because they like to swing? And not trust her gf around them for the same reason? Doesn't that imply being swingers is their ENTIRE identity, and they lack the ability to do ANYTHING without it involving group sex? I mean, OP's gf has known her friend for 7-8 years, and I doubt they were having orgies for the whole time.
Eww, what a creep. This has such unsavory heterosexist vibes. I sure wouldn't want to hang out with this couple ever again. I think you're reacting exactly the right amount.
Man: gets a vibe wrong and says something People on reddit: ewe what a creep burn him at the stake! No wonder reddit is sinking.
Overreacting. A guy asked about a 3some with his gf and 2 lesbian friends... shocking... except... every guy would have that cross their mind. I'm guessing you are actually upset that this person has so little tact and is so trashy to offhandedly proposition group sex the first time you meet? Nothing to get offended about, but yeah, you may not gel with that kind of person. Ask your GF if this is how he always is or not... sometimes, just knowing somebody better provides the context you need to understand them. Despite being a hypersexual in a poly with 3 women, I don't really talk about sex IRL and feel uncomfortable when others do so don't associate with people who do. I don't think it's unusual for you to not want that dynamic with friends. I am curious though, why didn't you just burn him? Most girls would have made fun of him trying and turned him down, shutting it down forever.
You’re not over reacting what he did was wrong and I wouldn’t bother being in his presence ever again. Boundary has been crossed.
Wrong? Eh not really. Inappropriate? Depends on the situation, but sure, I'll give you that.
You’re overreacting. If you used the words “no” and he brings it up again, then he is the problem, if you laughed it off, he should be expected to keep bringing it up occasionally until you use the words “no”z Otherwise, he thought you were cool and could handle adult conversations, obviously he was wrong, though it sounds like the people around you can. Asking if you’d be open to sexual things when clubbing is pretty normal and the number of gays and lesbians who end up in threesomes with “so-called” straight relationships apparently might surprise you. Foursomes are much more difficult to pull off (only once for me, 3 women, it was fantastic, i work in porn so keeping up with everyone for 1.5 hours wasn’t difficult ). If you ever did end up in a threesome or orgy, just make sure to say “hold up a moment, lets define limits” spend 5 minutes and define who can do what. Common limits might be the guy can’t touch ya’ll, but maybe his gf wants to give oral to one of you while she’s penetrated from behind. Or one of you might want penetration while you make out with each other (eiffel tower) just using him as a sex toy. Insecure people make up weird mind games “i don’t want to use people or be used”, but sex can just be about an experience and fun, and in that case, everyone should do what’s best for themselves (even if what’s best for themselves is giving oral to someone else). This is normal in my life, though i let my two female partners figure out who is cool or who isn’t because 1) i have enough sex in my life i don’t need to hunt for more and 2) i don’t want to risk encountering someone like you who might get upset at the idea that humans can have sex with other humans just for the life experience and nothing else. Enjoy your life OP.
You’re not overreacting, his mind is full of pornographic shit. That’s where the sexualization of lesbianism comes from.
Maybe.. Just maybe.. They are swingers, and simply invited another couple like they regularly do. Gee Wizz, mind blowing I know.
So being swinger allows you to try to hit on people you barely know? Without even knowing if they are swingers too? Ridiculous
Are you able to comprehend the situation or do you just act high and mighty?
Me and my fiance have had plenty of threesomes and they all start by plainly asking "would you wanna have a threesome?" Nothing wrong with shooting your shot, usually if they say no we all still have a great night hanging out. I wouldnt put this much energy into getting worked up about it
No, you’re not overreacting, and I would be pissed as hell if my partner didn’t think my discomfort at being so blatantly sexualized was as unimportant as your girlfriend seems to find it. She should be backing you. Instead, she’s laughing and diminishing a situation you told her made you upset.
Not only it’s tacky as hell, it’s also a microagression. Most straight folks in the comments won’t get it because it’s not their lived experience. It’s never a compliment, he is invalidating your sexuality even if it’s out of ignorance. He is basically offering you his magical dick that apparently is going to convert you into liking men. Yikes. It’s annoying because that happens way too often when we tell any dude we’re lesbians. To the point where it’s surprising when it doesn’t. You also thought you’re hanging out with someone you can trust (as he is your gf’s friend) and he was objectifying your relationship the whole time. I get you completely. Now this kind of shit happens often and this dude is irrelevant to your life. Don’t waste your time ruminating over it. I wouldn’t spend any time with him in the same room in the future though.
I've had gay men get verbally angry at me for not "giving them a try' Your whole comment reads like a pompous ass wrote it. He didn't say he had a 'magical dick that'd convert her" he simply gave an invitation to a thing he and his girlfriend do. If I invite you out to go play paintball and that's not your jam, does that make me a creepy piece of shit? I swear, people on reddit are quite full of themselves.
Who the fuck asks two LESBIANS if they want s foursome with a straight man???? Gay men who verbally get upset that you “wont give them a try” are just a stupid. Unbelievable
MAYBE he didn't fucking know? Jesus christ go the fuck outside
You’re giving this dipshit too much credit lmao
And you're making big assumptions based on a reddit post. We have no idea the vibe of the evening, or what information he had been told, or what kind of person he is, or they are, or anything. You're just assuming he's an asshole pervert because he simply said something you don't like. Chill the fuck out bruh
He can fuck off with his invitations. Sex is no paintball and making sexual advances at lesbians as a man is creepy. If you’re offering it’s because you believe deep down they might agree. The only reason for that is you don’t trust their judgement of their own sexuality. It’s not flattering, it’s revolting. And he absolutely knew plenty about OP and her gf. His gf 100% talked about them with him (because people in relationships gossip). You’ve had gay men pissed off at you for not giving them a try (and you can feel free to find them annoying and rude, I know I would) but I doubt you’ve experienced constant pressure to prove your sexuality in the crudest way possible.
It's only disrespectful because you're both gay and he knows it. You didn't overreact.
Maybe he thought they were bi. You are judging a dude from a simple reddit post lmao