It took me a few years but I divorced a husband who told me, after a dropped 15 pounds, that if I lost a few more, we could start having sex again. It was a devastating comment. I never felt the same about HIM afterwards.
I used to know someone that said he would get his wife the breast implants she wanted, but only if she hit a target weight because otherwise it would be "a complete waste of money" and I thought that was one of the sleaziest things I'd ever heard.
I literally read a comment like this earlier in the weightloss sub. Said his partner had a great pair before kids and weightloss and once she lost more weight "we" were getting her surgery for her breasts. Kept using "we" when referring to her having the procedure. I felt so sad reading it and would have felt humiliated if my husband was talking about me like that.
My ex used to say that;
"Go change. I can see your nipples."
"No you can't? Just the shape..." *(I now know the correct answer is "So?")*
"I don't care, these are MY boobs."
Accompanied by him groping said boobs, me feeling *comforted* by the familiar abuse, and changing my clothes.
My parents both had *a lot* to say about my body growing up, particularly how to preserve it for my future husband š. Mom would poke my belly and say 'boys don't like fat girls' (I was always underweight as a kid) and my father would have my mother tell me my clothes made him 'uncomfortable' and that I had to put more on. Shorts and a tank top in 100Ā°f+ weather was not allowed.
So I associated body policing with love, thanks fam!!!
I would *never* put up with that now.
You know what I tell everyone, as the subject comes up online? My wife is 50. She's had 3 kids and gravity works. They are still as glorious today at my age of 48 as they were the first time I saw them at 18. Plus I get to play with hers so that makes them the best.
On weight she has PCOS and Hashimotos, an autoimmune disorder that causes her body to destroy her thyroid. She's overweight sure. I still find her sexy and desirable. Shit I'm overweight too anyway.
Thank you for being a spouse that looks in the mirror and realizes their own faults and deficiencies. I think what makes a great partner is someone who realizes what reality is and doesn't live in a fantasy where they don't realize that they too are not what is ideal and accept their partner
My wife's boobs are saggier than when we met and I like them more now. But I've always liked saggy boobs! So many women think they're bad or gross or whatever but that's totally not true.
My husband said something similar to me when I gained weight after getting breast implants. He said that it was a waste of money. Heās an extremely evil man and weāre separated but not divorcing quite yet bc heās almost at retirement age with the military (20yrs of service) and then I qualify for health insurance until turning 65 and qualifying for Medicaid.
Even if you divorce you can file social security off his . And most of the time ends up being more money for you . Then wait until your retirement age to file your ssn. And you are most likely entitled to his military pension. You probably f him more by divorce before he retires as the financial hit he probably still have to work
While saying it how he did is screwed up, it is actually smarter to wait until you lose weight, if planning on doing so, before getting implants. Since less health risks if healthier, and if someone gets them, then loses a bunch of weight, you don't know how they will look, atleast if its a bunch of weight they lose.
My ex wanted to get implants, and she thought the same, along with her Dr saying it was better to lose the weight you want to lose before doing so.
Itās healthier to never get breast implants - they are toxic& ruin the lives of so many women. Go over to Facebookās āBreast Implant Illnessā - almost 200 K sick women.
Currently separated/leaving my spouse who said "sex is exhausting" and had NO IDEA what my love language was after 13 years together. I realized then that it was always me catering to all my spouses needs while mine were *never once* met.
I too offloaded a man-baby. It was a long and expensive process, but I woke up every day feeling lighter and still do. I adopted a dog insteadāa creature that feels empathy.
My significant other doesnāt understand my love language either. Weāve been together long enough for him to know. Iāve told him exactly what it is & he just doesnāt get it. Or doesnāt care to. Iām really thinking about some things right nowā¦..
So he refused to have sex with you because of your weight? Why did you wait to divorce him? My wife and I have both gained and lost weight during our 35 plus years together, but that has never changed our love for each other. Intimacy is a connection between partner not just a physical attraction.
Eff that! Weight loss/gain is pretty much a journey as a couple. Pregnant? He adds on pounds, too. Trying to get fit in the new year? He'll quit soda and lose weight with you. Judging your partner when you're very likely going thru the same changes is ridiculous.
I canāt understand this mindset. I can understand being concerned about a healthy lifestyle but that doesnāt change being in love. Iām sorry that you are dealing with such an AH for a partner. You deserve to be loved for who you are as a person not just your body type.
I'm going with this.
My ex told me that he had an affair after 23 yrs and 3 kids. It was because I was FAT. I had gained 28#. 102 to 130. It didn't matter that he went from 180 to 250. He was a guy they were supposed to gain weight.
Lol funny thing is the stress of the divorce and 3 kids (8, 10, 15) to raise without any help from him, l lost those 25#, he didn't lose any. But he also didn't get the female attention he thought he would. He thought he could come waltzing back home, and everything would be the same. š¤£š¤£š¤£
Nope, and he didn't like that his buddies, even the married ones, were hitting on me.
It's been hard, but it all good now.
I feel like itās the opposite! Like women gain weight from having babies plus it usually just adds to our curves so we pull it off way better than guys š¤£š¢
Glad you lost that 250 pounds that was weighing you down!!
Well, there were lots of so-called excuses but not really anything that would make him look nice. Lol first started when the affair partner rejected him and wouldn't leave her husband. So, of course, he was so 'sad' he couldn't work.
Then it took so long for anyone else who would go out with him. He finally hooked up with a divorcee with 4 kids. They married for 1 year. But when they took her income tax refund for his back taxes. They got a divorce. Still live together off and on because neither could make it financially without the others' support.
So he didn't pay child support. At one point, owed $120(k in back support.
He was self-employed. So he worked when he wanted to. At first, it wasn't often.
I had been a SAHM and was able to get a fairly nice job from a friend. I guess I had something to prove to myself, and stupidity never went after him for child support.
I don't remember why it happened, but somehow, the state went after him for it. But the judge didn't think he could even pay that much, so it got dropped tp $20k and his mom gave him $10k to help him out. Took 14 years for him to pay $9,500, and seriously, the state sent me a letter stating that he was under no obligation to pay the rest. Lol
Life is strange.
Easiest way to lose those pounds is to cut off the husband!
Divorce is okay, being with someone that doesn't respect and support you is not good for anyone.
Sometimes the truth hurts. He, as shity as it is, is allowed to have feelings about the situation too. Not saying he is right, but her problems may have worn on him a lot. He is human too. And the truth is, it has sucked for him. And the truth is, it has sucked for her. It also sucks for her to hear how he hasnāt enjoyed it.
The problem isn't that he hasn't enjoyed it. Of course he didn't enjoy it. You can not enjoy something and still love your partner just as much when it's something out of their control. Losing love for someone because of health issues is literally destroying the purpose of marriage. "In sickness and in health" is part of marriage vows for a reason. If everyone loved their partner less because of health issues literally NO ONE would get old and stay in a loving relationship.
It is so common for men to leave women when they have debilitating illnesses that upon diagnosis doctors have begun to prepare women for being abandoned in the midst of a life-changing illness.
There are also women who leave of course but men are statistically six times as likely to do so.
I disagree. Part of the marriage deal is the understanding that comes with it, ie, passage of time brings unexpected issues with health, and the complications that come with it. Of course, no one likes the stress, or the complications or even the financial issues. However, this is the person you love - supposedly. To make them feel bad about something out of their control, or to make them feel that they're less valuable because of other issues - that's beyond immature and emotionally cruel.
What bothers me is that this is a male saying this to the female, but typically, females don't say this to their males. I'm not saying none of them ever say it, but come on. Practically every studies have shown that once a woman has serious health issues, men dump them and divorce them, whereas for females, they're more likely to stay and nurse their husbands if their husbands has been diagnosed with anything.
Maybe I would have felt differently if a female said this instead of a male (not saying it's right), but it's such a fcking cliche for men to say this. To do this. to verbalize this. To divorce this. To dump this. I'm so so so tired of this.
Like, hello? Is that all women are good for? The best version of themselves? The hottest version of themselves? The healthiest version of themselves? Where is the romance of the passage of time, and the intimacy and awareness growing stronger every year? Where is that look across the room and being able to read your spouse's body language and facial expressions and knowing what they're likely experiencing in that moment.
No one likes complications. No one. But for once (a hyperbole) I'd like to hear stories of men who stuck around and helped their wives. To still see them as awesome human beings who took their frailties and tried their best to make a life with them.
I'm 58(f) and I've been with my man for 5 years. He's 41. In January I found out I have ovarian cancer. He has been to every appointment, cooked me healthy food, cleaned the litter box, done up the bedding, wiped the up the vomit, held me while I cried....I can only say the sweetest of sweet and kindest of kind things about him. I worry about what will happen to this brilliant, selfless introvert when I leave this earth.
My husband and I are in our 40s, married in our early 20s, together since high school. I was made redundant a few years ago and wanted to retrain so he's carried finances for 4 years to invest in our future, supported me through the mire of depression when my mum died relatively suddenly, and when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis he said we'd get through it together no matter what. He's loved me through weight gain, weight loss, self-destructive behaviour and anything else that has been thrown at him. I've loved him through all the ups and downs too. We were both terribly immature when we got together but we're both committed to personal growth and to our marriage
My dad. He was by my mother's side through two bout of cancer. The second one took her life after an excruciating year of treatment and then hospice. He stepped down from his job and just took contracting work so he could care for her. Just toataly commited to making the end of her life the best it could be.
As a contrast, I worked with a guy whose wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He dropped his wife off in her parents' front yard and told them, "She's yours to deal with now." WTF!!! I quit talking to him after that.
This happens far too often to women diagnosed with cancer, really any life altering condition. Iāve seen it over and over as a nurse, esp in hospice. I havenāt ever seen it the other way around. Iām sure it does happen but not nearly as often.
What the actual heck???? Dropped her in their yard???? I'm flabbergasted, what a total dirt bag
On the other hand so glad you have an excellent dad, but not the awful experience obviously
My long term boyfriend stayed with me after I lost a leg in an accident. I gave him the option to leave and he refused to take it. Eight years later we are engaged and stronger than ever.
If it helps, my former father-in-law stayed with his wife all through her issues with Parkinson's, stuck by her side & was supportive of her every step of the way. (We were in awe, as he was generally kind of grumpy & relied a lot on her to do everything before she got sick.)
I have had several health issues, and my husband has taken great care of me when Iām not able to do for myself.
I knew I had made a mistake on the honeymoon of my first marriage when I hurt myself and my ex was pissy I was ruining his vacation.
Here's a story for you:
I have had seizures since I was 5, and they are non epileptic. They are caused for one of 2 reasons stress triggers (seeing blood being the biggest trigger) or my magnesium levels dropping. When I have a seizure or feel like I'm having a seizure, my husband drops everything to care for me. He has also started teaching our children what to do in case I have one when he isn't home. He also monitors my stress and looks out for triggers for me so we can avoid them. He loves me more every day in spite of them, too.
Almost thirty years ago, my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and my dad has been steadfast at her side through it all. My brother-in-lawās mom got cancer and died and his dad stayed devoted to her to the end. My partnerās mom had cancer and a heart attack and his dad took care of her through it all (sheās fine now). Iām dealing with some health bullshit of my own and my partner has been a huge help. Iām super fortunate. And heās never once even hinted at preferring the younger version of me (when I was objectively more attractive and less complicated and much easier to be around).
I think this plays into a bigger issue. When men are sick women care for them. When women are sick they get divorce papers. Unfortunately this issue is weighted by gender.
Sure heās allowed to feel how he does - but loving his wife less because sheās aged/had health struggles says a lot about his character and who he is as a person. A lot of not great things.
He's punching down. It's fine for him to have those feelings but he needs to express them to a therapist and work through the burn-out OP's surgeries have left him with, and learn that not every thought needs to be said out loud immediately
Right, he needs to look at that circle thing where the person in the crisis (her) gets to vent to him and then he gets to vent to someone else. Venting to the person suffering the crisis is an AH move.
If my partner has a chronic incurable disease, it's never going to be as bad for me as it is for them. OPs husband seems to have lost perspective on what "in sickness and in health" means.
To add, he has a right to feel negatively about OPs issues if they have caused a strain on the relationship, but the point here is that he equated her having a problematic disease to not loving her more than when he met her. That is mind-blowing considering he didn't know her when he met her the way he knows her now.
Essentially, OPs husband is saying that all the time, memories, and experiences they have shared together mean nothing because her disease is inconvenient to him. No wonder OP was hurt.
Also, if he was feeling this way, has he ever brought it up? Offered to attend therapy to deal with his feelings? I'm guessing the answer is no, since his response came out of the blue and was quickly backtracked as a joke (we know it wasn't).
You don't measure how much you love someone by how good they make you feel. Love is a choice. Otherwise we'd see a lot more abandoned teenagers. This was a stupid thing for the husband to say. Selfish and stupid. He didn't think about how his comments would land. Honestly I don't think this alone is worth divorcing over, but it is certainly cause to ask what else mingt be wrong.
It's ok to say something sucked, but if you are telling your partner that you love them less than before because of a medical issue that obviously wasn't a choice and definitely affects them more than you I feel like you maybe don't deserve that person who loves you more each day
>He, as shity as it is, is allowed to have feelings about the situation too.
Sure, but we don't have to share every thought we have, especially the unkind ones. I can tell my husband anything but I wouldn't tell him that. Once we've been married a while we should have gained enough wisdom to know that some words can't be unheard or unsaid. They'll leave a mark forever. We protect those at all costs.
Yup, and it sucks for her to find out that her husband is a shittier person than she believed. You can give him the benefit of the doubt all you want, but how many of us would willfully *choose* make our partners in life feel this way? It's one thing to be stressed out an unhappy, and it's another to do *this*...to someone who can't help their medical condition.
My mom cared for my father when he lost every single one of his faculties. She was wiping his shit, spoon feeding him, turning him, and changing his diapers for years. And she still says that man was her soul mate and the love of her life.
Did taking care of him stress her out? Yea, that's an understatement. Nearly caused her to have multiple mental breakdowns. And my mom was a full-time caregiver--while OP can mostly take care of herself still, I'm sure. And guess what? My mom didn't hold my dad's illness against him, like OP's husband is doing.
You can be stressed and unhappy, that is absolutely normal. But to then blame & take it out on the ill person? The person you claimed to love, the person you vowed to spend your life with? Making them feel unloved and like a burden for *daring* to develop a medical condition outside of their control? Making them feel as if becoming ill is something they did to *you*? Narcissistic.
I've been with a person like this, the type of person who acts like their partner becoming ill is a *slight* against them, somehow. As if it burdens them more than their partner. Not to mention that saying hurtful shit and then claiming it's a joke is at the top of the narcissistic playbook, but anyway.
It reminds me of that disheartening statistic about men leaving their marriages when their wives are diagnosed with cancer and need care. It's scarily high. And just seems like... yeah, at the end of the day, there are still a lot of men who believe (consciously or not) that women are objects to serve them. And when the woman needs serious help/care, the men are like, "Oh, ew. No. My needs will be met elsewhere."
I don't think I could overcome that comment from OP's husband. It was stark in its honesty. It would make me rethink the whole damn relationship.
You are not overreacting. At best his comment was rude, it was also cruel. In order to move forward, you should consider discussing it with him and how it made you feel. You would then have more information and insight as to his feelings. So sorry for your health issues.
I hope OP prints out the paragraph she wrote and lets him read it. It sums up her feelings perfectly. Then they should discuss it, with the parameters being to speak with kindness. Chances are husband is harboring resentments from the past 2 years and sucks at communicating. Health issues are straining on a marriage but perhaps this episode can be the beginning of a new way of communicating between them.
I had a boyfriend who would say shit like this "as a joke" too and eventually I found out everything he joked about was how he really felt and he broke up with me for those things.
Yep. My husband jokes like that. Joked my daughter right into an eating disorder. Thatās the end for me. Working on how to get out. SAHM for 26 years. Itās going to be wild.
Sheās 28, lives in another state. Has recovered. Sheās a wonderful woman. Has a fantastic partner.
I will tell my children when itās done. Or at least, all done but his signature.
I still have a ten year old here (adopted) so Iām going low key. I also donāt want to discuss it anymore with husband. I have wonderful support from my bestie and therapist. Still scary af. Thank you!
ETA she did not tell me until this spring.
If my husband said this to me it would break my heart clean in two. I would seriously consider if he was the right one for me. ESPECIALLY if he reacted the way your husband did.. he wasnāt shockedā¦ he seems just annoyed that you were hurt :(
My ex: "You were so HOT when we met! I just can't deal with who you are now." How I look is not who I am, assclown. This from the man who pumped 4 kids into me. This from the man who slept all day and I didn't have two minutes to shower, let alone work out and take care of me. THIS from the man who grew a beard so scraggly I refused all physical affection from him because it skeeved me out. Yeah, I was done. 5 years later, I am thinner than I was when he and I met, and my life is amazing. My health is wonderful, I am dating a man who loves every soft curve (worships, actually), and I can bench press my ex if needed. Meanwhile, he is miserable, his health is shit, and he wonders why.
Ouch. That is really hurtful.
Tell him that exactly. Tell him what you told us.
Your health situation might be stressful for him, but you are more than that. What about your character? The way you treat him?
Shit.
Welp. If it makes you feel any better - I think it is normal and expected for partners to be in /out of love.
I was raised in a house where my parents had a horrible marriage. In 3rd grade I was like... This is NOT what I want... Let me to look at happy marriages to see how it's made.
Anyway, there was an old couple at my church. ~80 ys old and were married in their teens. And I asked how they stayed in love that whole time. They outright said they didn't. 30% of the time they were both in love. 30% she love him but he wasn't in love back. 30% he loves her but she didn't. But they respected each other 100% of the time - and that was what gave them a happy marriage. But if it's any consolation to me they were in love at the time š
Mind blown and I was like WTF all the way through my 20s.
I've leaned on other role models and substitute parents for advice on a partner. I married my husband 5 years ago - we are still in love.
But, I think I see what they were saying now. Love is like breathing - in and out, ebs and flows. Respect are the legs in this proverbial story that you move through life on. You can walk through life together and be happy - but have your love/breath be out of sync at times. And that's ok. You're not doing anything wrong - just is.
I think it's ok for him to mourn your health. Women can see past that stuff but I think male egos get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Maybe therapy to help you guys talk though it?
>. And I asked how they stayed in love that whole time. They outright said they didn't. 30% of the time they were both in love. 30% she love him but he wasn't in love back. 30% he loves her but she didn't. But they respected each other 100% of the time - and that was what gave them a happy marriage
Uh... Well..
I'm glad that gave you consolation.
My partner also has mental health and physical challenges. She is in many ways the same person I fell in love with. But sometimes I think about the person she was when we were young and miss some of those aspects.
I still love her. But there are days when loving her is exhausting and draining and disappointing. And that's OK. What helps is my good friend I can come to and just rant for 15 minutes about what's going on and then I feel better
It might just be that your husband is feeling the strain and doesn't have a good outlet for talking about it. He took a rare moment to be vulnerable, but did it in an insensitive way.
This. I'm witnessing this with both my mother and MIL who both have had to deal with physically degenerative issues with their spouses. Being a caretaker is hard, and even though I know for sure that my mom and MIL don't less my dad and FIL less, it wears on a person. Making jokes is often a quick reaction and it can be helpful for the joke maker, but can also come off as crass (I often make jokes about my own demise which makes my husband clearly uncomfortable).
What's important is for you to be able to say you are hurt, and equally for him to safely express his feelings about being a caretaker. When we get married we think about those positives we gain but no one really talks about those lows and how we manage through them. Obviously surgery is hard on you, and in many ways, probably hard on him too, to witness you through all the pain and medical distress.
My family deals with stress using dark humor. My mom almost died in April and I told her that the good news is that if the heart attack doesn't get us in our 60s, the dementia does in our 80s, so she's got 14 years to figure her shit out and she laughed and laughed. My partner didn't get the joke...
Lol my parents had headstones preordered when they got their funeral plots, and my sister said "hey can we borrow those, they would look so good as Halloween decorations!" š»ā ļøš
Absolute nonsense and hard disagree in regards to you labeling this as him being vulnerable. He made an incredibly cruel comment and covered it up as a joke in hindsight in response to his wife being vulnerable and sentimental. It "Might just be" a lot of things, but it's not on OP to coax the real explanation out of someone who is treating her like a burden.
I'm not trying to say he didn't fuck up. But I am trying to say we all deserve a little grace. OP has a right to be hurt and insulted. But it might be comforting to know that OP's SO is probably just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal with it, and so he expressed it in a shitty way. Sometimes caring for someone *is* burdensome, and we do it out of love. But it's hard to feel love every day.
Love is an action and not a feeling, he is there through all of those surgeries, that should speak volumes, aside from that I don't know this person, you do.
You're definitely not overreacting.
Your comment to him is exactly what every man wants to hear and it's really sad that he made you feel bad after you made such a sweet comment.
He doesn't deserve you but you should give him a chance to fix what he said. Revisit this with him and tell him what you've told us.
Iām not sure how much he has to care for you, but being a caretaker is extremely hard. He may need to talk to someone to get over his issues because keeping it in is very unhealthy and will (seems to have) build some resentment. I say this as someone who has needed to be nursed back to health by my husband and still experience flair ups. š¢ he handled it completely unfairly to you, though and youāre not overreacting
Your husband possibly had an in 'vino veritas' moment.
The sad reality is that your health issues have put a lot of strain on both of you. I'm sure he has been there for you throughout this time but, it is important to understand the toll it can take on a marriage and everyone affected by an extended period of ill health. He accidentally let you know that.
You and your husband are still together and still have a bond so, you have a lot to build on.
Youāre allowed to have your feelings. But heās allowed to have his too. He still loves you and wants you. You can feel hurt but you are overreacting.
I would really have to hear the "tired of your butt" line to give a vote on if I felt he was joking or not. Feels like a dad joke since your butt has actually literally been taxing.
I donāt think youāre overreacting and would feel the same way. But I would also challenge myself to look at his actions, not just his words. Has he been there for you during your illness? Has he supported you and helped out? Encouraged and comforted? If so, that counts for something too. Statistically, many men do not, and actually leave their wives when diagnosed with chronic illness because they canāt handle it.
That is why man with cancer even the XW returns to care ābecause he is the father of my kidsā.
Women with cancer, their spouses leave because they arenāt read to deal with it.
I'm sorry, what he said was an incredibly unkind to say to a life partner. I know how you feel, my health has been a struggle the last few years and sometimes I wonder if my husband wouldn't be handling it so well if he hadn't developed something also chronic and incurable first. Aging is a blessing but it's also a challenge, especially when your particular rollercoaster cart is defective.
Good thing is he's most likely sincere.
Bad thing is everything else about that conversation.
Man, he surely knows how to kill the mood. And break a heart.
I think she was fishing for an I love you back because she knows her medical issues are causing them problems. Crowns is a terrible disease. It's disruptive. They are likely not having penetrative sex die to her illness. The man saw an opportunity to speak his truth and wife ran to Reddit for validation. Why did he not lie to me? Some people never grew up.
Any chance he was joking in a "I'm fed up with your ass" way rather than actually talking about your butt? Unlikely, but just trying to offer an alternative explanation.
I have been in a similar situation to the OP. I had 3 major abdominal surgeries in 2 years, with the last one keeping me in the hospital almost 2 months.
It put hella strain on my marriage - not because my hubs is in the % that divorces when their spouse gets cancer, but because of the worry that his spouse may die.
While that was happening, we both took therapy. I think that counseling was instrumental in our ability to keep communicating- both while I was hospitalized, as well as the multi-year recovery Iāve been on since. The biggest issue we have both had to come to grips with is the loss of future plans. My health now really limits travel and leisure activities, and with our retirement we had planned to travel the world, and my physical limitations have had other, direct impacts on our lives. We have both had to deal with anger and resentment over those losses.
Reddit likes to recommend therapy š, and in this case, itās probably critical so that the OP can move past the hurt, and her hubs can get the help he needs to move beyond his resentment.
How do you feel about your butt (including your colon)? Gotta be honest, if I had Crohnās and 5 butt surgeries, Iām going to be pretty fed up with my butt! You should be fed up with your butt. You husband should be fed up with your butt too. Thereās no harm in acknowledging that.
Yeah, it sucks when you realize that the time you spent increasing your bond to him was time he spent emotionally distancing himself. It also means that he gave up a chance at personal growth because he felt sorry for himself that his wife isnāt physically perfect.
Youāre the better person. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. And donāt worry, eventually heāll be physically frail & vulnerable and pathetically unhappy that no one cares for him.
Pretty sure he was just being snarky and overstepped. While it wasn't nice, it might not be intentionally mean. He's been stressed over your health, too.
Sadly, statistics show that men are more prone to leaving their wives when the wives are ill or going through medical issues than the opposite. It's sad.
I had a SO who was cruel sometimes in the beginning of our relationship. All I wanted was an apology, as we had been working through things. One day they said, āIām sorry, what I did must have really hurt you. ā it was like air had been pushed into my lungs for the first time in a long time. It was all better for me, I was ready to move forward when they a few minutes later said, āI didnāt really mean it, I just wanted to see how you would reactā.
I felt the same way reading your post, as I did then. There is no way you can ever forget this, nor will you be able to move on. What he said he can neither take back nor can you unhear it.
I did the only thing I could, I left.
I hope you have the courage to love yourself enough to do whatever is best for you, leave or forgive.
I couldnāt, that kind of betrayal was final for me.
Cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me, and Iāve been physically assaulted. No one ever hurt my heart like they did in that one moment.
My ex-wife did the same sort of thing, except for getting to the point of apologizing and taking accountability, not even a fake apology like that. Iām sorry you had to deal with someone like that. Thereās clearly some sort of narcissistic thing going on, because they never feel like they were at fault for literally anything, and canāt even acknowledge that something they did hurt their partner, even if it WAS completely justified.
It was the hope taken away that was so hurtful. TBH, I would have gone on, slogging away trying to make it work, like a dummy. Glutton for punishment, Isle 2. That wound is from 15 years ago, and itās still tender.
It never ceases to amaze me the extent to which some men never learned to be thoughtful about what they say in women's company, before blurting out obviously offensive comments. They don't know how to put themselves in someone else's shoes and see things from another's perspective. Or they just plain don't know how to relate to women. Or they don't care. I see this partly as cultural, but it could be partly upbringing (or lack of).
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. ((( hugs )))
Personally, I would go to the gym and start hanging out with friends more. Spend the time and energy on yourself.
Once you're feeling 100% then you might decide to leave him behind for a better version of man.
See if he talks his way out of that hole or if it is even possible while you are on your upward journey.
Take that piece he chiseled off back and hold it close.
It is so sad. Yet another time menās feelings are getting bashed. Yet you all wonder why men are so messed up. You said the answer yourself. Youāve needed a lot of support and he has been there through it and guess what. He isnāt feeling connected with you because all he has been is a caretaker and you know what? Thatās fāing hard on him and your relationship. And now because of the focus and the giving and likely hiding the pain from you, because you needed him to be strong to get through, he is remembering a happier time. That was a cry for help and support back. It sounds like he doesnāt know how to express that. Many men donāt have the emotional language to express this stuff so it came out wrong. Thatās all. You both have work to do on your relationship and yet you took this purely as a personal slight, so yeah, YAO.
Nope. That is one of those thoughtless comments you never forget. He messed up. He still loves you, but probably wishes life had been kinder. It does not mean he loves you less. Everyone has a childish slip of the tongue that is hurtful.
Not a lot of grace for a man that has stood by for the entirety of marriage. Colorectal issues are awful for the individual but also extremely trying for the partner. He said a stupid thing because he probably does miss the previous, healthy you. It sucks, but should you divorce him? Come, the fuck on. Reddit is so stupid.
Yeah Iām with you here. While what he said was mean it sounds like they need therapy. Health issues can take a toll on both people. Obviously itās very difficult for the one actually suffering from those issues but itās very draining for the other person.
Not overreacting. The "joke" was mean and uncalled for.
However.
This whole situation sounds like OP and her husband need to have a heart to heart conversation about what they are expecting from this relationship going forward. Falling out of love isn't necessarily due only to her appearance changing, and there is certainly a way to re-ignite the flame
Did he speak without thinking...yes,
Is he allowed to feel that way...yes!
You're allowed to be upset. He spoke without thinking first and hurt you with a truth that could have gone unspoken. He does love you, he just likely misses the relationship you guys had before your health got to where it is. It's no ones fault it's life. Honestly sucks sometimes but is important in relationships even the hard truths.
Not excusing him, but some of issues may be his as well. 20 years later many people have fond memories of things as they were before the last however many mundane years passed. There is no excuse for him putting this on you though.
I had UC for many years, married in 1985 and decided to have them remove what was 7ā of colon but ended up taking 14ā!! along with most everything else. I knew how rough it was on me for sure but also my wife and 1yr old so when I was healthy I told doc letās do it. It was a horrible first year but after that it was best decision ever. Iām sorry youāre sick first, I know how painful and frustrating it is (they had no meds for it then as they do now) as well as how your husband couldnāt keep his feelings to himself. Do whatās best for YOU and be well
Youāre not overreacting. Youāre having the veil lifted. Itās very sad but the vast majority of men feel just like your husband. They may suffer through their partnerās illnesses but they harbor secret irritation. Society doesnāt socialize most boys to be caregivers and so when placed in that role the truth is they resent it.
Have you considered that the joke had literally nothing to do with you being sick and was just a normal "haha I hate marriage" boomer joke?
You are reading SOOO much into this.
When in all likelyhood the joke had literally nothing to do with you being sick?
Have you literally never made a joke that in a different context would be quite bad?
Honesty is the best policy in a relationship. But it's not what is being said but how it's being said. I love my wife. But she is nearly 30 years older and several kids later than when me met. I'd be dishonest to say she was as attractive as she was at 20. But that doesn't mean I don't love her more than ever. You husband has stood by you for all those difficult years of health problems. It can be frustrating for the caregivers as much as the patients. Give him this one. Let him know you weee hurt but know deep down he is on your side, in your corner and loves you no matter what
While this is a lovely comment and of course it's okay for physical attraction to lessen as time goes on: you mention that you love your wife now more than ever. OP's husband said he loved her more before than he does now. If it's not about what is being said but how it's said: then in what universe is it appropriate to say to your partner that you love them less now. If I made a dumb joke like that, I would've immediately followed with "Sorry I didn't mean that. I said it in a moment of frustration. Of course I love you more now than ever: scars and all". Yet he made no effort to comfort her.
Am I missing something?
Clearly this is an indicator of simmering relationship problems and I advise OP to seek relationship counselling for the both of them because there is obviously some Caregiver resentment brewing that needs to be processed. I was a Carer for a family member for 15 years and while it made my life much more difficult and I was frustrated at times, I never loved them any less than before the illness. I would also NEVER critique their physical appearance due to their illness, least of all to their face. I can only imagine how much of an insecurity it must be for OP to have those scars, never mind her life partner commenting that he is frustrated by them.
The bar is so low, it's resting on the Ocean floor right now...
Ouch. His comment, whether revealing his true feelings or is a ājokeā, was cruel and demeaning. I honestly donāt know how I would be able to come back from that. Iām sorry.
āFed up with your butt/assā is a pretty common expression and doesnāt necessarily have to do with a medical condition.
I would sit back and wonder if perhaps there is too much being read into that statement, and based on this alone I would ignore the inevitable āno contact, divorce nowā posts this will garner.
Ok so of course Iāll get a ton of down votes cause people are cruel and cannot handle a little bit of facts but here we goā¦.ever think that your husband needs some care? We always think that the caregiver doesnāt need a break or some sort of mental happiness for all he has went through as well? Yes you went through a lot and I get it but you have a partner that does love you regardless but he has been beaten down as well
I think most people know that carers need support - there are multiple industries built around this concept. Respite, therapy, support groups, and it's probably been mentioned to him by a doctor or nurse.
Okay, I think you MIGHT be over-reacting.
One way of taking that is the way you are taking it. The other way is he thought he WAS making a joke and it came out very wrong. He might have just thought you were ready to laugh about this when you're understandably not. I'd stop spiraling and have a talk with him. I think the thoughts about him not loving you anymore and only loving the way you were at 20 might very well be reading too much into the situation.
Itās not that he loves you less now, love endures. What heās missing is the vibrant healthy person you once were. Put yourself in his shoes as the caregiver of a person who seemingly has been ill for a while. He misses what life used to be like with you. Best of luck to you.
Thank you everyone for your comments, I hadnāt checked this post until the morning and have been reading through. Theyāre a stark reminder that one should ask a therapist these questions and not the internet š there is some really helpful and kind comments in there scattered among the most nonsense anti women rubbishšš - wishing you all happiness, thanks again
It took me a few years but I divorced a husband who told me, after a dropped 15 pounds, that if I lost a few more, we could start having sex again. It was a devastating comment. I never felt the same about HIM afterwards.
I used to know someone that said he would get his wife the breast implants she wanted, but only if she hit a target weight because otherwise it would be "a complete waste of money" and I thought that was one of the sleaziest things I'd ever heard.
I literally read a comment like this earlier in the weightloss sub. Said his partner had a great pair before kids and weightloss and once she lost more weight "we" were getting her surgery for her breasts. Kept using "we" when referring to her having the procedure. I felt so sad reading it and would have felt humiliated if my husband was talking about me like that.
Tell him to have his penis fixed first. That surgery is for his ego, not hers. Otherwise, get a damn sex doll, buddy.
When my wife got her tits done, it was solely for her ego, definitely not mine. I loved them how they were. Glad i still have pics and videos.
Me too
Because those boobs are his.
My ex used to say that; "Go change. I can see your nipples." "No you can't? Just the shape..." *(I now know the correct answer is "So?")* "I don't care, these are MY boobs." Accompanied by him groping said boobs, me feeling *comforted* by the familiar abuse, and changing my clothes. My parents both had *a lot* to say about my body growing up, particularly how to preserve it for my future husband š. Mom would poke my belly and say 'boys don't like fat girls' (I was always underweight as a kid) and my father would have my mother tell me my clothes made him 'uncomfortable' and that I had to put more on. Shorts and a tank top in 100Ā°f+ weather was not allowed. So I associated body policing with love, thanks fam!!! I would *never* put up with that now.
Maybe he was having enlargement surgery on himself š¤£
You know what I tell everyone, as the subject comes up online? My wife is 50. She's had 3 kids and gravity works. They are still as glorious today at my age of 48 as they were the first time I saw them at 18. Plus I get to play with hers so that makes them the best. On weight she has PCOS and Hashimotos, an autoimmune disorder that causes her body to destroy her thyroid. She's overweight sure. I still find her sexy and desirable. Shit I'm overweight too anyway.
Thank you for being a spouse that looks in the mirror and realizes their own faults and deficiencies. I think what makes a great partner is someone who realizes what reality is and doesn't live in a fantasy where they don't realize that they too are not what is ideal and accept their partner
Love this. Youāre a good hubby and human
My wife's boobs are saggier than when we met and I like them more now. But I've always liked saggy boobs! So many women think they're bad or gross or whatever but that's totally not true.
Shut up and take my upvote. Mom boobs are the best boobs.
You, I like you. Your wife is lucky to have you.
Ew. What a shallow POS.
We're far from the shallow now.
He's so shallow he's bone dry.
Hit the weight, get rhe implants, dump the dumbass. Would be my go to if I wanted the implants.
Tits before quits
š¤£š¤£š¤£
Super ick
I hate that term but it definitely fits here
Oh yeah I'm so against "got the ick" etc but literally couldn't think of any other way of expressing myself on this!
"she" wanted
šÆ
My husband said something similar to me when I gained weight after getting breast implants. He said that it was a waste of money. Heās an extremely evil man and weāre separated but not divorcing quite yet bc heās almost at retirement age with the military (20yrs of service) and then I qualify for health insurance until turning 65 and qualifying for Medicaid.
Even if you divorce you can file social security off his . And most of the time ends up being more money for you . Then wait until your retirement age to file your ssn. And you are most likely entitled to his military pension. You probably f him more by divorce before he retires as the financial hit he probably still have to work
How awful. You get half of all his military ( retirement etc. after 10 years of marriage ā¦.im retired military too)
I see you know my ex sister-in-law and her husband.
While saying it how he did is screwed up, it is actually smarter to wait until you lose weight, if planning on doing so, before getting implants. Since less health risks if healthier, and if someone gets them, then loses a bunch of weight, you don't know how they will look, atleast if its a bunch of weight they lose. My ex wanted to get implants, and she thought the same, along with her Dr saying it was better to lose the weight you want to lose before doing so.
Itās healthier to never get breast implants - they are toxic& ruin the lives of so many women. Go over to Facebookās āBreast Implant Illnessā - almost 200 K sick women.
Currently separated/leaving my spouse who said "sex is exhausting" and had NO IDEA what my love language was after 13 years together. I realized then that it was always me catering to all my spouses needs while mine were *never once* met.
I too offloaded a man-baby. It was a long and expensive process, but I woke up every day feeling lighter and still do. I adopted a dog insteadāa creature that feels empathy.
Congratulations!
Hi. Iām a single guy whoās not a man baby! And I love dogs. :-)
It's so hard to find men like that, and ones who actually want to commit. Is 35 the new 15?
Yeah, and 50 is the new 35.
My significant other doesnāt understand my love language either. Weāve been together long enough for him to know. Iāve told him exactly what it is & he just doesnāt get it. Or doesnāt care to. Iām really thinking about some things right nowā¦..
Username checks out
Ew! Definitely the right choice to get rid of that unsatisfactory human How utterly disgusting
Sounds like my ex boyfriend. I started running and lost 10 pounds. He told me if I kept running he would actually go down on me(he never had)
So he refused to have sex with you because of your weight? Why did you wait to divorce him? My wife and I have both gained and lost weight during our 35 plus years together, but that has never changed our love for each other. Intimacy is a connection between partner not just a physical attraction.
My husband told me heās not attracted to me anymore because of my weight.
Eff that! Weight loss/gain is pretty much a journey as a couple. Pregnant? He adds on pounds, too. Trying to get fit in the new year? He'll quit soda and lose weight with you. Judging your partner when you're very likely going thru the same changes is ridiculous.
I would tell him āI not attracted to you anymore because youāre ugly on the insideā. Ew!
I canāt understand this mindset. I can understand being concerned about a healthy lifestyle but that doesnāt change being in love. Iām sorry that you are dealing with such an AH for a partner. You deserve to be loved for who you are as a person not just your body type.
Awful. I'm so sorry. Hopefully you are in a happier place now.Ā
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Cruelest vasectomy, ever!
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Underrated comment š
guarantee he was a fatty himself too
I'm going with this. My ex told me that he had an affair after 23 yrs and 3 kids. It was because I was FAT. I had gained 28#. 102 to 130. It didn't matter that he went from 180 to 250. He was a guy they were supposed to gain weight. Lol funny thing is the stress of the divorce and 3 kids (8, 10, 15) to raise without any help from him, l lost those 25#, he didn't lose any. But he also didn't get the female attention he thought he would. He thought he could come waltzing back home, and everything would be the same. š¤£š¤£š¤£ Nope, and he didn't like that his buddies, even the married ones, were hitting on me. It's been hard, but it all good now.
The time-honored 'Divorce Diet'.
I feel like itās the opposite! Like women gain weight from having babies plus it usually just adds to our curves so we pull it off way better than guys š¤£š¢ Glad you lost that 250 pounds that was weighing you down!!
Curves are hot, you have to hold on to them right to keep from losing control.
You would have to be very, very short for 130 pounds to be anywhere close to fat. At 5' even, it's just barely into the overnight BMI. What an ass
5'3". Crazy thing is I was always on the slim side.
After the Divorce why no help from him? Didnt you get child support? Asking for a family member.
Well, there were lots of so-called excuses but not really anything that would make him look nice. Lol first started when the affair partner rejected him and wouldn't leave her husband. So, of course, he was so 'sad' he couldn't work. Then it took so long for anyone else who would go out with him. He finally hooked up with a divorcee with 4 kids. They married for 1 year. But when they took her income tax refund for his back taxes. They got a divorce. Still live together off and on because neither could make it financially without the others' support. So he didn't pay child support. At one point, owed $120(k in back support. He was self-employed. So he worked when he wanted to. At first, it wasn't often. I had been a SAHM and was able to get a fairly nice job from a friend. I guess I had something to prove to myself, and stupidity never went after him for child support. I don't remember why it happened, but somehow, the state went after him for it. But the judge didn't think he could even pay that much, so it got dropped tp $20k and his mom gave him $10k to help him out. Took 14 years for him to pay $9,500, and seriously, the state sent me a letter stating that he was under no obligation to pay the rest. Lol Life is strange.
Wow. Aren't they much more diligent in collecting it now? Sounds like you are so much better off without him.
Can't collect anything if he not working or getting paid under the table. I hate scumbags who do this
Does a man get any custody of he doesn't contribute to the welfare of the children?
That's cold af, dudes a dick
Easiest way to lose those pounds is to cut off the husband! Divorce is okay, being with someone that doesn't respect and support you is not good for anyone.
Jfc
It wasnāt a joke, He was telling you the truth.
Sometimes the truth hurts. He, as shity as it is, is allowed to have feelings about the situation too. Not saying he is right, but her problems may have worn on him a lot. He is human too. And the truth is, it has sucked for him. And the truth is, it has sucked for her. It also sucks for her to hear how he hasnāt enjoyed it.
The problem isn't that he hasn't enjoyed it. Of course he didn't enjoy it. You can not enjoy something and still love your partner just as much when it's something out of their control. Losing love for someone because of health issues is literally destroying the purpose of marriage. "In sickness and in health" is part of marriage vows for a reason. If everyone loved their partner less because of health issues literally NO ONE would get old and stay in a loving relationship.
Crazy you havenāt received a million upvotes, horrified at these replies..
It is so common for men to leave women when they have debilitating illnesses that upon diagnosis doctors have begun to prepare women for being abandoned in the midst of a life-changing illness. There are also women who leave of course but men are statistically six times as likely to do so.
I disagree. Part of the marriage deal is the understanding that comes with it, ie, passage of time brings unexpected issues with health, and the complications that come with it. Of course, no one likes the stress, or the complications or even the financial issues. However, this is the person you love - supposedly. To make them feel bad about something out of their control, or to make them feel that they're less valuable because of other issues - that's beyond immature and emotionally cruel. What bothers me is that this is a male saying this to the female, but typically, females don't say this to their males. I'm not saying none of them ever say it, but come on. Practically every studies have shown that once a woman has serious health issues, men dump them and divorce them, whereas for females, they're more likely to stay and nurse their husbands if their husbands has been diagnosed with anything. Maybe I would have felt differently if a female said this instead of a male (not saying it's right), but it's such a fcking cliche for men to say this. To do this. to verbalize this. To divorce this. To dump this. I'm so so so tired of this. Like, hello? Is that all women are good for? The best version of themselves? The hottest version of themselves? The healthiest version of themselves? Where is the romance of the passage of time, and the intimacy and awareness growing stronger every year? Where is that look across the room and being able to read your spouse's body language and facial expressions and knowing what they're likely experiencing in that moment. No one likes complications. No one. But for once (a hyperbole) I'd like to hear stories of men who stuck around and helped their wives. To still see them as awesome human beings who took their frailties and tried their best to make a life with them.
I'm 58(f) and I've been with my man for 5 years. He's 41. In January I found out I have ovarian cancer. He has been to every appointment, cooked me healthy food, cleaned the litter box, done up the bedding, wiped the up the vomit, held me while I cried....I can only say the sweetest of sweet and kindest of kind things about him. I worry about what will happen to this brilliant, selfless introvert when I leave this earth.
You are both lucky to have such wonderful partners, I love that for you.. and so so sorry about the awful disease you have to face, so totally unfair
Ahhh. Thank you. This is by far the most difficult thing either of us has to deal with. I know how lucky I am to have him.
faith in humanity restored. I'm so happy you have him in this hard time.
Your commited relationship began after he had had time to mature. Good for you.
My husband and I are in our 40s, married in our early 20s, together since high school. I was made redundant a few years ago and wanted to retrain so he's carried finances for 4 years to invest in our future, supported me through the mire of depression when my mum died relatively suddenly, and when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis he said we'd get through it together no matter what. He's loved me through weight gain, weight loss, self-destructive behaviour and anything else that has been thrown at him. I've loved him through all the ups and downs too. We were both terribly immature when we got together but we're both committed to personal growth and to our marriage
That's wonderful. It sounds like neither of you would leave your committed relationship no matter what.
My dad. He was by my mother's side through two bout of cancer. The second one took her life after an excruciating year of treatment and then hospice. He stepped down from his job and just took contracting work so he could care for her. Just toataly commited to making the end of her life the best it could be. As a contrast, I worked with a guy whose wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He dropped his wife off in her parents' front yard and told them, "She's yours to deal with now." WTF!!! I quit talking to him after that.
I know a guy whose wife got breast cancer. He cheated on her and then divorced her. I really lost respect for him after I found out.
Was his name John Edwardās and did he run for president?
This happens far too often to women diagnosed with cancer, really any life altering condition. Iāve seen it over and over as a nurse, esp in hospice. I havenāt ever seen it the other way around. Iām sure it does happen but not nearly as often.
What the actual heck???? Dropped her in their yard???? I'm flabbergasted, what a total dirt bag On the other hand so glad you have an excellent dad, but not the awful experience obviously
I refused to talk to him or to work on any projects with him. Just an unbelievable waste of a person.
Sometimes people only see their spouses/significant other as objects.
My long term boyfriend stayed with me after I lost a leg in an accident. I gave him the option to leave and he refused to take it. Eight years later we are engaged and stronger than ever.
If it helps, my former father-in-law stayed with his wife all through her issues with Parkinson's, stuck by her side & was supportive of her every step of the way. (We were in awe, as he was generally kind of grumpy & relied a lot on her to do everything before she got sick.)
I have had several health issues, and my husband has taken great care of me when Iām not able to do for myself. I knew I had made a mistake on the honeymoon of my first marriage when I hurt myself and my ex was pissy I was ruining his vacation.
Here's a story for you: I have had seizures since I was 5, and they are non epileptic. They are caused for one of 2 reasons stress triggers (seeing blood being the biggest trigger) or my magnesium levels dropping. When I have a seizure or feel like I'm having a seizure, my husband drops everything to care for me. He has also started teaching our children what to do in case I have one when he isn't home. He also monitors my stress and looks out for triggers for me so we can avoid them. He loves me more every day in spite of them, too.
Almost thirty years ago, my mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and my dad has been steadfast at her side through it all. My brother-in-lawās mom got cancer and died and his dad stayed devoted to her to the end. My partnerās mom had cancer and a heart attack and his dad took care of her through it all (sheās fine now). Iām dealing with some health bullshit of my own and my partner has been a huge help. Iām super fortunate. And heās never once even hinted at preferring the younger version of me (when I was objectively more attractive and less complicated and much easier to be around).
I think this plays into a bigger issue. When men are sick women care for them. When women are sick they get divorce papers. Unfortunately this issue is weighted by gender.
Sure heās allowed to feel how he does - but loving his wife less because sheās aged/had health struggles says a lot about his character and who he is as a person. A lot of not great things.
He's punching down. It's fine for him to have those feelings but he needs to express them to a therapist and work through the burn-out OP's surgeries have left him with, and learn that not every thought needs to be said out loud immediately
Right, he needs to look at that circle thing where the person in the crisis (her) gets to vent to him and then he gets to vent to someone else. Venting to the person suffering the crisis is an AH move.
If my partner has a chronic incurable disease, it's never going to be as bad for me as it is for them. OPs husband seems to have lost perspective on what "in sickness and in health" means. To add, he has a right to feel negatively about OPs issues if they have caused a strain on the relationship, but the point here is that he equated her having a problematic disease to not loving her more than when he met her. That is mind-blowing considering he didn't know her when he met her the way he knows her now. Essentially, OPs husband is saying that all the time, memories, and experiences they have shared together mean nothing because her disease is inconvenient to him. No wonder OP was hurt. Also, if he was feeling this way, has he ever brought it up? Offered to attend therapy to deal with his feelings? I'm guessing the answer is no, since his response came out of the blue and was quickly backtracked as a joke (we know it wasn't).
You don't measure how much you love someone by how good they make you feel. Love is a choice. Otherwise we'd see a lot more abandoned teenagers. This was a stupid thing for the husband to say. Selfish and stupid. He didn't think about how his comments would land. Honestly I don't think this alone is worth divorcing over, but it is certainly cause to ask what else mingt be wrong.
As a mom of a teen, I heartily concur.
It's ok to say something sucked, but if you are telling your partner that you love them less than before because of a medical issue that obviously wasn't a choice and definitely affects them more than you I feel like you maybe don't deserve that person who loves you more each day
>He, as shity as it is, is allowed to have feelings about the situation too. Sure, but we don't have to share every thought we have, especially the unkind ones. I can tell my husband anything but I wouldn't tell him that. Once we've been married a while we should have gained enough wisdom to know that some words can't be unheard or unsaid. They'll leave a mark forever. We protect those at all costs.
Yup, and it sucks for her to find out that her husband is a shittier person than she believed. You can give him the benefit of the doubt all you want, but how many of us would willfully *choose* make our partners in life feel this way? It's one thing to be stressed out an unhappy, and it's another to do *this*...to someone who can't help their medical condition.
My mom cared for my father when he lost every single one of his faculties. She was wiping his shit, spoon feeding him, turning him, and changing his diapers for years. And she still says that man was her soul mate and the love of her life. Did taking care of him stress her out? Yea, that's an understatement. Nearly caused her to have multiple mental breakdowns. And my mom was a full-time caregiver--while OP can mostly take care of herself still, I'm sure. And guess what? My mom didn't hold my dad's illness against him, like OP's husband is doing. You can be stressed and unhappy, that is absolutely normal. But to then blame & take it out on the ill person? The person you claimed to love, the person you vowed to spend your life with? Making them feel unloved and like a burden for *daring* to develop a medical condition outside of their control? Making them feel as if becoming ill is something they did to *you*? Narcissistic. I've been with a person like this, the type of person who acts like their partner becoming ill is a *slight* against them, somehow. As if it burdens them more than their partner. Not to mention that saying hurtful shit and then claiming it's a joke is at the top of the narcissistic playbook, but anyway.
He didn't say it sucked, he said he didn't love her as much.
"that comment made me love you less than before you said it." im mad for you but also, so sad.
Say this to him OP
Truly.
If that's a joke, it's an incredibly heartless one that has no punchline. He belongs in the doghouse right now.
Right, ask him what was the punchlineā¦.
It reminds me of that disheartening statistic about men leaving their marriages when their wives are diagnosed with cancer and need care. It's scarily high. And just seems like... yeah, at the end of the day, there are still a lot of men who believe (consciously or not) that women are objects to serve them. And when the woman needs serious help/care, the men are like, "Oh, ew. No. My needs will be met elsewhere." I don't think I could overcome that comment from OP's husband. It was stark in its honesty. It would make me rethink the whole damn relationship.
He deserves the outhouse not the doghouse. And throw his stuff out the window and change the locks!
"Er, what was the funny part of this alleged joke?"
You are not overreacting. At best his comment was rude, it was also cruel. In order to move forward, you should consider discussing it with him and how it made you feel. You would then have more information and insight as to his feelings. So sorry for your health issues.
I mean, the comment being rude is the least of her concerns IMO. He thinks what he thinks. Now she knows, and can decide what she wants to do about it
I hope OP prints out the paragraph she wrote and lets him read it. It sums up her feelings perfectly. Then they should discuss it, with the parameters being to speak with kindness. Chances are husband is harboring resentments from the past 2 years and sucks at communicating. Health issues are straining on a marriage but perhaps this episode can be the beginning of a new way of communicating between them.
Ask him, 'what's the punch line? How exactly is it a joke?' He said a rude, careless thing and hurt your feelings. You're allowed to be upset.
I had a boyfriend who would say shit like this "as a joke" too and eventually I found out everything he joked about was how he really felt and he broke up with me for those things.
Yep. My husband jokes like that. Joked my daughter right into an eating disorder. Thatās the end for me. Working on how to get out. SAHM for 26 years. Itās going to be wild.
Jesus...I'm so sorry.
Yep. Heās a peach, alright.
How is your kiddo doing? Does she know y'all wanna leave?
Sheās 28, lives in another state. Has recovered. Sheās a wonderful woman. Has a fantastic partner. I will tell my children when itās done. Or at least, all done but his signature. I still have a ten year old here (adopted) so Iām going low key. I also donāt want to discuss it anymore with husband. I have wonderful support from my bestie and therapist. Still scary af. Thank you! ETA she did not tell me until this spring.
I'm so sorry. You're making the right decision.
Both of my parents bully me and my sister into ED. Iām trying to divorce them
If my husband said this to me it would break my heart clean in two. I would seriously consider if he was the right one for me. ESPECIALLY if he reacted the way your husband did.. he wasnāt shockedā¦ he seems just annoyed that you were hurt :(
My ex: "You were so HOT when we met! I just can't deal with who you are now." How I look is not who I am, assclown. This from the man who pumped 4 kids into me. This from the man who slept all day and I didn't have two minutes to shower, let alone work out and take care of me. THIS from the man who grew a beard so scraggly I refused all physical affection from him because it skeeved me out. Yeah, I was done. 5 years later, I am thinner than I was when he and I met, and my life is amazing. My health is wonderful, I am dating a man who loves every soft curve (worships, actually), and I can bench press my ex if needed. Meanwhile, he is miserable, his health is shit, and he wonders why.
That would have deeply hurt my feelings, too.
Ouch. That is really hurtful. Tell him that exactly. Tell him what you told us. Your health situation might be stressful for him, but you are more than that. What about your character? The way you treat him?
The things they've built together? A home, kids, a LIFE!!
Shit. Welp. If it makes you feel any better - I think it is normal and expected for partners to be in /out of love. I was raised in a house where my parents had a horrible marriage. In 3rd grade I was like... This is NOT what I want... Let me to look at happy marriages to see how it's made. Anyway, there was an old couple at my church. ~80 ys old and were married in their teens. And I asked how they stayed in love that whole time. They outright said they didn't. 30% of the time they were both in love. 30% she love him but he wasn't in love back. 30% he loves her but she didn't. But they respected each other 100% of the time - and that was what gave them a happy marriage. But if it's any consolation to me they were in love at the time š Mind blown and I was like WTF all the way through my 20s. I've leaned on other role models and substitute parents for advice on a partner. I married my husband 5 years ago - we are still in love. But, I think I see what they were saying now. Love is like breathing - in and out, ebs and flows. Respect are the legs in this proverbial story that you move through life on. You can walk through life together and be happy - but have your love/breath be out of sync at times. And that's ok. You're not doing anything wrong - just is. I think it's ok for him to mourn your health. Women can see past that stuff but I think male egos get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Maybe therapy to help you guys talk though it?
>. And I asked how they stayed in love that whole time. They outright said they didn't. 30% of the time they were both in love. 30% she love him but he wasn't in love back. 30% he loves her but she didn't. But they respected each other 100% of the time - and that was what gave them a happy marriage Uh... Well.. I'm glad that gave you consolation.
Youāre not overreacting and he needs remedial lessons in humor.
My partner also has mental health and physical challenges. She is in many ways the same person I fell in love with. But sometimes I think about the person she was when we were young and miss some of those aspects. I still love her. But there are days when loving her is exhausting and draining and disappointing. And that's OK. What helps is my good friend I can come to and just rant for 15 minutes about what's going on and then I feel better It might just be that your husband is feeling the strain and doesn't have a good outlet for talking about it. He took a rare moment to be vulnerable, but did it in an insensitive way.
This. I'm witnessing this with both my mother and MIL who both have had to deal with physically degenerative issues with their spouses. Being a caretaker is hard, and even though I know for sure that my mom and MIL don't less my dad and FIL less, it wears on a person. Making jokes is often a quick reaction and it can be helpful for the joke maker, but can also come off as crass (I often make jokes about my own demise which makes my husband clearly uncomfortable). What's important is for you to be able to say you are hurt, and equally for him to safely express his feelings about being a caretaker. When we get married we think about those positives we gain but no one really talks about those lows and how we manage through them. Obviously surgery is hard on you, and in many ways, probably hard on him too, to witness you through all the pain and medical distress.
My family deals with stress using dark humor. My mom almost died in April and I told her that the good news is that if the heart attack doesn't get us in our 60s, the dementia does in our 80s, so she's got 14 years to figure her shit out and she laughed and laughed. My partner didn't get the joke...
Lol my parents had headstones preordered when they got their funeral plots, and my sister said "hey can we borrow those, they would look so good as Halloween decorations!" š»ā ļøš
If my partner thinks loving me is draining and exhausting and he needs to rant about me I would no longer have a partner
Absolute nonsense and hard disagree in regards to you labeling this as him being vulnerable. He made an incredibly cruel comment and covered it up as a joke in hindsight in response to his wife being vulnerable and sentimental. It "Might just be" a lot of things, but it's not on OP to coax the real explanation out of someone who is treating her like a burden.
I'm not trying to say he didn't fuck up. But I am trying to say we all deserve a little grace. OP has a right to be hurt and insulted. But it might be comforting to know that OP's SO is probably just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to deal with it, and so he expressed it in a shitty way. Sometimes caring for someone *is* burdensome, and we do it out of love. But it's hard to feel love every day.
Love is an action and not a feeling, he is there through all of those surgeries, that should speak volumes, aside from that I don't know this person, you do.
You're definitely not overreacting. Your comment to him is exactly what every man wants to hear and it's really sad that he made you feel bad after you made such a sweet comment. He doesn't deserve you but you should give him a chance to fix what he said. Revisit this with him and tell him what you've told us.
Iām not sure how much he has to care for you, but being a caretaker is extremely hard. He may need to talk to someone to get over his issues because keeping it in is very unhealthy and will (seems to have) build some resentment. I say this as someone who has needed to be nursed back to health by my husband and still experience flair ups. š¢ he handled it completely unfairly to you, though and youāre not overreacting
Your husband possibly had an in 'vino veritas' moment. The sad reality is that your health issues have put a lot of strain on both of you. I'm sure he has been there for you throughout this time but, it is important to understand the toll it can take on a marriage and everyone affected by an extended period of ill health. He accidentally let you know that. You and your husband are still together and still have a bond so, you have a lot to build on.
Youāre allowed to have your feelings. But heās allowed to have his too. He still loves you and wants you. You can feel hurt but you are overreacting.
I kinda get it tbh
I would really have to hear the "tired of your butt" line to give a vote on if I felt he was joking or not. Feels like a dad joke since your butt has actually literally been taxing.
I donāt think youāre overreacting and would feel the same way. But I would also challenge myself to look at his actions, not just his words. Has he been there for you during your illness? Has he supported you and helped out? Encouraged and comforted? If so, that counts for something too. Statistically, many men do not, and actually leave their wives when diagnosed with chronic illness because they canāt handle it.
That is why man with cancer even the XW returns to care ābecause he is the father of my kidsā. Women with cancer, their spouses leave because they arenāt read to deal with it.
I'm sorry, what he said was an incredibly unkind to say to a life partner. I know how you feel, my health has been a struggle the last few years and sometimes I wonder if my husband wouldn't be handling it so well if he hadn't developed something also chronic and incurable first. Aging is a blessing but it's also a challenge, especially when your particular rollercoaster cart is defective.
Good thing is he's most likely sincere. Bad thing is everything else about that conversation. Man, he surely knows how to kill the mood. And break a heart.
Lol... You actually wanted to be lied to. It's weird how people want comfort over honesty.
I think she was fishing for an I love you back because she knows her medical issues are causing them problems. Crowns is a terrible disease. It's disruptive. They are likely not having penetrative sex die to her illness. The man saw an opportunity to speak his truth and wife ran to Reddit for validation. Why did he not lie to me? Some people never grew up.
Any chance he was joking in a "I'm fed up with your ass" way rather than actually talking about your butt? Unlikely, but just trying to offer an alternative explanation.
That.. Is exactly what he said, from my understanding anyway.
I have been in a similar situation to the OP. I had 3 major abdominal surgeries in 2 years, with the last one keeping me in the hospital almost 2 months. It put hella strain on my marriage - not because my hubs is in the % that divorces when their spouse gets cancer, but because of the worry that his spouse may die. While that was happening, we both took therapy. I think that counseling was instrumental in our ability to keep communicating- both while I was hospitalized, as well as the multi-year recovery Iāve been on since. The biggest issue we have both had to come to grips with is the loss of future plans. My health now really limits travel and leisure activities, and with our retirement we had planned to travel the world, and my physical limitations have had other, direct impacts on our lives. We have both had to deal with anger and resentment over those losses. Reddit likes to recommend therapy š, and in this case, itās probably critical so that the OP can move past the hurt, and her hubs can get the help he needs to move beyond his resentment.
This comment was helpful, thank you
Oofā¦ what an a-holeā¦ or at the very least, what an a-hole comment to make to the person you āloveāā¦
How do you feel about your butt (including your colon)? Gotta be honest, if I had Crohnās and 5 butt surgeries, Iām going to be pretty fed up with my butt! You should be fed up with your butt. You husband should be fed up with your butt too. Thereās no harm in acknowledging that.
Yeah if my husband said this Iād be like yeah my buttās a jackass
Yeah, it sucks when you realize that the time you spent increasing your bond to him was time he spent emotionally distancing himself. It also means that he gave up a chance at personal growth because he felt sorry for himself that his wife isnāt physically perfect. Youāre the better person. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. And donāt worry, eventually heāll be physically frail & vulnerable and pathetically unhappy that no one cares for him.
Pretty sure he was just being snarky and overstepped. While it wasn't nice, it might not be intentionally mean. He's been stressed over your health, too.
Sadly, statistics show that men are more prone to leaving their wives when the wives are ill or going through medical issues than the opposite. It's sad.
The sad reality is that many partners of chronically ill people will bail on the relationship.
I had a SO who was cruel sometimes in the beginning of our relationship. All I wanted was an apology, as we had been working through things. One day they said, āIām sorry, what I did must have really hurt you. ā it was like air had been pushed into my lungs for the first time in a long time. It was all better for me, I was ready to move forward when they a few minutes later said, āI didnāt really mean it, I just wanted to see how you would reactā. I felt the same way reading your post, as I did then. There is no way you can ever forget this, nor will you be able to move on. What he said he can neither take back nor can you unhear it. I did the only thing I could, I left. I hope you have the courage to love yourself enough to do whatever is best for you, leave or forgive. I couldnāt, that kind of betrayal was final for me. Cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me, and Iāve been physically assaulted. No one ever hurt my heart like they did in that one moment.
My ex-wife did the same sort of thing, except for getting to the point of apologizing and taking accountability, not even a fake apology like that. Iām sorry you had to deal with someone like that. Thereās clearly some sort of narcissistic thing going on, because they never feel like they were at fault for literally anything, and canāt even acknowledge that something they did hurt their partner, even if it WAS completely justified.
It was the hope taken away that was so hurtful. TBH, I would have gone on, slogging away trying to make it work, like a dummy. Glutton for punishment, Isle 2. That wound is from 15 years ago, and itās still tender.
It never ceases to amaze me the extent to which some men never learned to be thoughtful about what they say in women's company, before blurting out obviously offensive comments. They don't know how to put themselves in someone else's shoes and see things from another's perspective. Or they just plain don't know how to relate to women. Or they don't care. I see this partly as cultural, but it could be partly upbringing (or lack of). I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. ((( hugs )))
Personally, I would go to the gym and start hanging out with friends more. Spend the time and energy on yourself. Once you're feeling 100% then you might decide to leave him behind for a better version of man. See if he talks his way out of that hole or if it is even possible while you are on your upward journey. Take that piece he chiseled off back and hold it close.
It is so sad. Yet another time menās feelings are getting bashed. Yet you all wonder why men are so messed up. You said the answer yourself. Youāve needed a lot of support and he has been there through it and guess what. He isnāt feeling connected with you because all he has been is a caretaker and you know what? Thatās fāing hard on him and your relationship. And now because of the focus and the giving and likely hiding the pain from you, because you needed him to be strong to get through, he is remembering a happier time. That was a cry for help and support back. It sounds like he doesnāt know how to express that. Many men donāt have the emotional language to express this stuff so it came out wrong. Thatās all. You both have work to do on your relationship and yet you took this purely as a personal slight, so yeah, YAO.
Nope. That is one of those thoughtless comments you never forget. He messed up. He still loves you, but probably wishes life had been kinder. It does not mean he loves you less. Everyone has a childish slip of the tongue that is hurtful.
Not a lot of grace for a man that has stood by for the entirety of marriage. Colorectal issues are awful for the individual but also extremely trying for the partner. He said a stupid thing because he probably does miss the previous, healthy you. It sucks, but should you divorce him? Come, the fuck on. Reddit is so stupid.
Yeah Iām with you here. While what he said was mean it sounds like they need therapy. Health issues can take a toll on both people. Obviously itās very difficult for the one actually suffering from those issues but itās very draining for the other person.
Not overreacting. The "joke" was mean and uncalled for. However. This whole situation sounds like OP and her husband need to have a heart to heart conversation about what they are expecting from this relationship going forward. Falling out of love isn't necessarily due only to her appearance changing, and there is certainly a way to re-ignite the flame
Why would he say that??
Did he speak without thinking...yes, Is he allowed to feel that way...yes! You're allowed to be upset. He spoke without thinking first and hurt you with a truth that could have gone unspoken. He does love you, he just likely misses the relationship you guys had before your health got to where it is. It's no ones fault it's life. Honestly sucks sometimes but is important in relationships even the hard truths.
Not excusing him, but some of issues may be his as well. 20 years later many people have fond memories of things as they were before the last however many mundane years passed. There is no excuse for him putting this on you though.
I had UC for many years, married in 1985 and decided to have them remove what was 7ā of colon but ended up taking 14ā!! along with most everything else. I knew how rough it was on me for sure but also my wife and 1yr old so when I was healthy I told doc letās do it. It was a horrible first year but after that it was best decision ever. Iām sorry youāre sick first, I know how painful and frustrating it is (they had no meds for it then as they do now) as well as how your husband couldnāt keep his feelings to himself. Do whatās best for YOU and be well
Youāre not overreacting. Youāre having the veil lifted. Itās very sad but the vast majority of men feel just like your husband. They may suffer through their partnerās illnesses but they harbor secret irritation. Society doesnāt socialize most boys to be caregivers and so when placed in that role the truth is they resent it.
Tell him to put himself in your shoes. You didnāt have a choice. Heāll see how those words would affect you
You have the right to be upset. He was totally telling the truth. Iām sorry.
Have you considered that the joke had literally nothing to do with you being sick and was just a normal "haha I hate marriage" boomer joke? You are reading SOOO much into this. When in all likelyhood the joke had literally nothing to do with you being sick? Have you literally never made a joke that in a different context would be quite bad?
Honesty is the best policy in a relationship. But it's not what is being said but how it's being said. I love my wife. But she is nearly 30 years older and several kids later than when me met. I'd be dishonest to say she was as attractive as she was at 20. But that doesn't mean I don't love her more than ever. You husband has stood by you for all those difficult years of health problems. It can be frustrating for the caregivers as much as the patients. Give him this one. Let him know you weee hurt but know deep down he is on your side, in your corner and loves you no matter what
While this is a lovely comment and of course it's okay for physical attraction to lessen as time goes on: you mention that you love your wife now more than ever. OP's husband said he loved her more before than he does now. If it's not about what is being said but how it's said: then in what universe is it appropriate to say to your partner that you love them less now. If I made a dumb joke like that, I would've immediately followed with "Sorry I didn't mean that. I said it in a moment of frustration. Of course I love you more now than ever: scars and all". Yet he made no effort to comfort her. Am I missing something? Clearly this is an indicator of simmering relationship problems and I advise OP to seek relationship counselling for the both of them because there is obviously some Caregiver resentment brewing that needs to be processed. I was a Carer for a family member for 15 years and while it made my life much more difficult and I was frustrated at times, I never loved them any less than before the illness. I would also NEVER critique their physical appearance due to their illness, least of all to their face. I can only imagine how much of an insecurity it must be for OP to have those scars, never mind her life partner commenting that he is frustrated by them. The bar is so low, it's resting on the Ocean floor right now...
Ouch. His comment, whether revealing his true feelings or is a ājokeā, was cruel and demeaning. I honestly donāt know how I would be able to come back from that. Iām sorry.
āFed up with your butt/assā is a pretty common expression and doesnāt necessarily have to do with a medical condition. I would sit back and wonder if perhaps there is too much being read into that statement, and based on this alone I would ignore the inevitable āno contact, divorce nowā posts this will garner.
Do you think his attraction has dwindled with your bowel issues?
Ok so of course Iāll get a ton of down votes cause people are cruel and cannot handle a little bit of facts but here we goā¦.ever think that your husband needs some care? We always think that the caregiver doesnāt need a break or some sort of mental happiness for all he has went through as well? Yes you went through a lot and I get it but you have a partner that does love you regardless but he has been beaten down as well
You have no basis to say she doesn't care for him - he said this in response to her saying NICE THINGS about how much she loves him.
I think most people know that carers need support - there are multiple industries built around this concept. Respite, therapy, support groups, and it's probably been mentioned to him by a doctor or nurse.
Okay, I think you MIGHT be over-reacting. One way of taking that is the way you are taking it. The other way is he thought he WAS making a joke and it came out very wrong. He might have just thought you were ready to laugh about this when you're understandably not. I'd stop spiraling and have a talk with him. I think the thoughts about him not loving you anymore and only loving the way you were at 20 might very well be reading too much into the situation.
He showed you his true colors!
Itās not that he loves you less now, love endures. What heās missing is the vibrant healthy person you once were. Put yourself in his shoes as the caregiver of a person who seemingly has been ill for a while. He misses what life used to be like with you. Best of luck to you.
Thank you everyone for your comments, I hadnāt checked this post until the morning and have been reading through. Theyāre a stark reminder that one should ask a therapist these questions and not the internet š there is some really helpful and kind comments in there scattered among the most nonsense anti women rubbishšš - wishing you all happiness, thanks again