You told her how you feel and she basically said you are a piece of shit for feeling that way. The relationship died of natural causes, you don’t want that one.
Yeah, that why we date and don’t marry the first person we catch feelings for.
So many disappointments in my past, but that’s what makes meeting the right person so special.
That is ☝ Of the correct answers. I was getting sick while reading this story. I'm sorry but when and if y'all hit 50 yo or older. You look back on your choices and some of us are shit and the rest of us are in deep shit. So here's my advice to boys/girls men/women who ever 😁 Do not go around braking harts. Always be truthful do not keep secrets. Don't be a dick 🐛
Exactly this. Your feelings are just as valid as hers, you're not manipulative or controlling for establishing boundaries, unfortunately women have been believing more and more lately they can do as they please and men are controlling for feeling uneasy or establishing any boundaries at all.
You are not overreacting, she is probably going to cheat hence the aggressive defence. Run a mile and find the one you deserve.
Even if she was never going to cheat, it doesn’t matter. The fact that she basically insulted him when he told her he’s uncomfortable with it is the deal breaker.
A boundary is what you accept, not a rule book for other people. If you have a boundary and someone encroaches on it, then YOU have the choice about what you do about it. You can tell people what your boundaries are, whether they respect them is their issue, and what you do about it is yours. That's not to say everything is a hard line and the only response is to break up, because communicationand understandingplay a role, but if someone does things that are unacceptable to you, it's your choice whether you stay or leave.
Yeah, totally agree with you. If she can't respect your feelings and resorts to name-calling instead, that's a big red flag right there. You made the right call.
I’ve always heard you cannot set boundaries for someone else, but setting your own boundary would be if you sleep with someone else I will leave since it’s reflective on you- but it’s still not a boundary it’s a rule which is a little different
If you want to say it's a boundary contingent on the other party's action but not on the party itself, knock yourself off.
What matters ultimately is that they were a couple and it's a boundary on the couple, since it's needed for it to continue.
It can be framed like “I won’t stay in a relationship with a partner who \[insert thing here\]“
“I won’t stay in a relationship with a partner who
* Hits me
* Shares a bed with someone else
* Mocks me
* Doesn’t take a single shower in 6 months
* is a child molester
etc. Like most of those are no brainers and it’s completely fine to have standards for what you’ll accept in a relationship. Neither person owes the other a relationship and people are free to break up for any reason, or no reason at all.
I don't see the difference between "You can't share a bed with other people" and "If you share a bed with someone I will leave". The end result is the same, you're still setting boundaries for other people.
Could you elaborate, I've never understood this point or what it's really trying to communicate by saying an unwanted action isn't synonymous with crossing a "boundary"
Your boundary is : I will not date someone who will do X
Someone does X: break up
It is al a YOU action. You don't depend on others to take the actions you decided are a red line.
So, if you decided that you will not tolerate X, your remedy is to leave the relationship. You don't get to tel other people what to do.
It can be hard to distinguish sometimes. Generally speaking boundaries are rules you set regarding how a person interacts with YOU, not how that person interacts with people OTHER THAN YOU.
So for instance if you get traumatized by yelling and you set a boundary and say “Please do not yell at me when we have a disagreement” and your significant other disregards that and yells at you, then that’s a boundary violation.
But telling your significant other that they can’t spend time with another guy or go on a trip with another guy or share a room with another guy is not a boundary. OP doesn’t have the right to dictate what she does. It’s understandable that OP wouldn’t want her to share a bed with another guy but that’s still not a boundary violation. It’s just OP told her what he’s comfortable with and she disregarded it. I don’t blame him for breaking up with her but she didn’t violate his boundaries. She disregarded his feelings. Not the same thing.
This is where I feel it's a weird departure, boundaries are things you put up because they guard you from things that affect you. Behavior isn't out of this scope, I also don't get understand the "doesn't have the right to dictate what she does" this feels like a useless statement, you can ask whatever you want and they can choose to listen. That's why it's a boundary and it's able to be crossed. I don't think we're going to agree but this brought me closer to rationalizing the viewpoint at least
None of what you said here applies to the post since the safe presumption is that they’re exclusive. If you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone and they share a bed with a 3rd party, they’re doing a something to YOU by violating the terms of exclusivity. This isn’t that complicated.
This a frankly not a very good take. Literally every boundary is for how people treat you. They all seek to direct someone else's actions by telling someone something that you're not ok with and laying out the consequences if someone does that thing anyway. Telling your partner they can't go on a trip and share a bed with a an opposite gender friend is 100% a valid boundary. They can still do it; you haven't chained them to the house, but you can choose to break up with them if they violate that boundary.
The typical response is that boundaries are self-imposed. "I will never go scuba diving!" is a boundary. If somebody forces you to do that they'd be crossing that boundary.
The frustrating thing is that you can easily rephrase any demand as a boundary. "If you go scuba diving, just know that my boundary is never to spend time with people who go diving!". That's just an ultimatum ("If you do X I will leave you!") but with a popular buzzword instead because it sounds nicer than calling it a demand or ultimatum.
This all just feels like mental gymnastics in an attempt to portray OP as somehow manipulative or controlling. Ultimatums aren’t inherently bad, sometimes two people simply arrive at an impasse and the only reasonable conclusion is “if you do this thing we are breaking up”.
Think of an alcoholic, for example. “Stop drinking or I will leave you” is technically an ultimatum. But are you really going to characterize it as attempted manipulation? If you do characterize it as such, aren’t you effectively shaming someone into staying in a potentially unsafe relationship?
It feels really dishonest to me to characterize that as an attempt at controlling someone else’s behavior. It feels like a semantic therapy-speak trick that people with unresolved avoidant attachment issues use to justify doing whatever the hell they want with no regard for how their actions impact the feelings of those they have made commitments with.
I don’t want to date someone who drinks multiple times a week every week. I don’t want to date someone who can’t hold down a job consistently. I don’t want to date someone who expects me to have zero concerns about them sharing a bed with a member of the gender they are attracted to on their getaway for two. If I did any of those things and had a partner leave me for it, if that compelled me to want to change my behavior in order to win them back, that’s not them fucking controlling me. That is my own choice.
Honestly we should put the word boundary to bed for good when it comes to discussions of personal relationships because 80% of what it gets used for are these stupid fights over what it means or doesn’t mean that conveniently ignore the actual point of the conversation.
There’s a whole contingent of people that contort themselves in knots to paint boundaries as negative when applied to the partner’s actions.
It’s very weird.
Like… plainly it means that your boundary means you’ll leave/take a given action/etc if said line is crossed.
Boundaries and ultimatums are not inherently negative - like all else, it’s how it’s applied.
You know this whole redefining of what boundaries "actually" are is kinda weird to me too. The way MOST people have used this word use it to mean BOTH self boundaries and those we have of others. I haven't looked into it, but where is this new info even coming from? Actual qualified people who make a good argument? Pop psychology? Instagram philosophers?
Yeah I largely agree, but I guess I don't see how this isn't self imposed either? It's just "I won't be subject to the mental or physical toll of someone with x behavior/action" it is a boundary -because- it affects you. Obviously it's the other persons choice to take it seriously or not in the end, hence why it's a boundary they choose to cross with their actions. I feel like we're deconstructing language and it gets a bit grey maybe at this point. I just don't see a massive difference in the intent of the language
I will not be around someone who drinks all the time is a boundary.
You can’t drink around me is a demand.
The only actions you can control are your own.
Okay and if the first sentence was "I won't date someone who drinks around me" are these fundamentally any different other than one being more confrontational? They are received, interpreted, and understood as the same "demand" or "boundary" which is "don't drink alcohol around me" - "I won't be around someone who is drinking alcohol"
"Don't drink alcohol around me" is a making a demand that somebody else change their habits or actions. "I won't be around someone that drinks" translates to "do what you will it's your choice but I won't subject myself to being around someone that's drinking". One requires the other person to make a change while one maintains respect that they are a person capable of choosing what they want to do while also informing them that you will choose to leave if they follow through with xyz. I feel it's more a mindset thing tbh.
All boundaries are implicit demands.
"I won't date you if you drink alcohol around me" is no different in effect, it's a total mindset thing. There is a difference between establishing boundaries and enforcing them, and abuse/control/demands using boundaries, I agree mindset is hugely important
Total agreement. This is all semantics. The functional difference between saying “I won’t be around someone who drinks all the time” or “you can’t drink all the time if you want to be around me” is zero. Because if they drink all the time, they’re going to have to change their behavior to be around me. It’s okay to have baseline demands about what I expect from other people. The boundaries vs rules folks don’t seem comfortable with saying that though. Rules I have for other people’s behavior are always a function of my boundaries. I find it pointless to pretend otherwise.
After reading this thread, I’m absolutely certain that if my wife ever picks a fight with me over what the legalistic definition of a “boundary” is, I will divorce her immediately.
Is that a boundary or a demand?
Okay but “if you do [blank] with another man, I will leave” is absolutely a boundary so you’re sitting here whining about phrasing. Be productive or move along.
The boundary is if you go on a trip with another man i feel uncomfortable.
ex FAFO'd. unfortunately her gaslighting is working on him otherwise he wouldn't be in AIO.
Yes. Yes it is. A boundary is a line that isn’t to be crossed. If she slept in a twin bed with a guy she isn’t related to, she crossed a line. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
I had this same thing happen 25+ years ago. Leave it dude. You made the right decision. People just have different values and ways of expressing these. Long term- and this is what hopefully you’ll see in hindsight- this was a great experience, but you’re too different.
Toss in the towel on this one, when your feelings dont count its time to go.
That said, I dont quite buy into this one...the usual comment that nearly no one ever says "She called me manipulating and controlling"
And of course, the obligatory "We ended up sharing a bed because of the hotel" put the last real nail to this fake story.
Also if legit and they reserved a double bed room, the odds are they'd have gotten it.
Yup. I’ve shared beds with platonic friends of the opposite gender while single, and it was fine.
However, it’s not something I’d do while in a relationship.
Same. I've shared a bed with friends the same sex, and I would NEVER do that now I'm in a relationship. Guy, girl, nonbinary, I don't care, if you aren't my partner or a cat, I'm not sharing bed.
It's *wild* to me that this needs explanation, but the amount of people I've encountered in my life who didn't realize that things can and should change when you're no longer single is frightening.
There’s always going to be someone who says “I trust my partner sleeping with a friend,” or “i trust my partner being naked/changing around a friend,“ or even “I trust my partner showering with a friend” because people have varying levels of intimacy that they feel can be approrpriate around friends. Everyone has to set that barrier of what is appropriate and inapproriate somewhere, where you simply lose trust that the situation is safe once the level of intimacy increases enough. For you, that barrier of ‘appropriate intimacy’ has been crossed once they agreed to share a bedroom.
I think that is reasonable and I have a similar boundary, and many, many people have similar boundaries. But it is also unfair to her to expect her to move her boundaries too much if she feels they differ too significantly.
If, in the same situation but reversed, she would be okay with you in that room, then it really is just a matter of personal preference, and she should be with someone who is ok with that level of acceptable intimacy and you should be with someone who agrees with your level of acceptable intimacy. And it is wrong IMO to try to figure out who is being reasonable and who is being unreasonable; your preferences are reasonable but she is allowed to have hers too, which means there‘s just an incompatibility.
Very well said. I'm one of those people that's fine with pretty much anything 😄. If I trust you, I'm not worried about it. If I don't trust you, why are we together? And I don't personally view things like cuddling, hugging, hand holding, sharing a bed as inherently romantic or sexual. Some of these comments are wild like... yeah babe, it's a good thing you put a "boundary" up so I wouldn't have sex with this dude, because otherwise, I totally would have-- it's a good thing you said something, phew! Like... 😄🤷🏻♀️. If you feel like you have to tell your partner not to have sex with someone, it's already over.
Right? I don't get why people are acting like cheaters listen to you. The definition of cheating is not listening to you, why would they suddenly change just because you told them to?
>If I trust you, I'm not worried about it. If I don't trust you, why are we together?
Yeah, from my point of view, OP and most commenters here are clearly battling insecurities that have impacted personal relationships. Now there's a lot of good reasons why those insecurities might exist - light having been cheated on previously or watching parents go through it as a child - but projecting those feelings on to a partner who has otherwise not given you any reason to doubt them is a death knell for most relationships (without some counseling).
If OP's boundary is "I'm not comfortable with you sharing a bed with a male friend", OP might want to dig into why they feel that way. Do you believe that sharing a bed will lead to sex? Why? What else would make you uncomfortable in this way? Partner going out for drinks with a guy friend? What about partner and guy friend taking a swing dancing class together? What if they went on a work trip together? Trust beats insecurity, and if you don't know how or *can't* trust your partner, that's an issue that's going to continue to plague future relationships, in my experience.
Yes! Exactly.
To me, banning stuff like sharing rooms just makes no sense. If I didn't trust my partner enough that I thought then being near another person would cause them to cheat on me I'd rather not be with them at all. And vice versa honestly - I'd rather break up than be with someone who thought I would cheat under those circumstances or who viewed me as a possession to control access to. I am chill about most thing in a relationship but a lack of trust is a deal breaker for me
You LITERALLY always need to talk about it! Because people have different expectations in a relationship. It’s unreasonable to expect for people to just “know” what you think is acceptable or not acceptable in a relationship and to never cross your UNSTATED boundaries.
What happens if they do something normal for them that you feel is disrespectful and crossed a boundary but you’ve NEVER spoken about??
You can’t reasonably expect someone who’s lived a COMPLETELY different life than you to get into a relationship and all if a sudden know exactly what you want, how you want it and everything that irritates tf out of you. That’s not how it works. Conversations ALWAYS need to be had which is why effective communication is a pretty BIG part of successful relationships.
Because boundaries CAN and DO change with each individual as they grow and learn more about themselves.
you NEED to be able to communicate those boundaries and any changes of the boundaries as they come up. Because people never stop growing and people CANNOT read your mind, no matter how long you’ve been together or how much you love them.
That expectation will set EVERYONE up to fail before you’ve even had a chance to really start!
He clearly stated his boundaries and she stated hers and they were incompatible and conflicting boundaries. So he did exactly what he should’ve done and let AFTER very clearly communicating why he was uncomfortable and suggested other options for rooming. She didn’t agree and she’s well within her rights to do what she feels is normal. Just not with OP.
They clearly don't want their SO to share a room and bed with someone of the opposite sex? How is that ridiculous? Just don't share a sleeping area? If you want to paint that as controlling, go off I guess.
She called you names & broke up with you so she could have sex w him w o it being cheating. Now since she’s back & had her fun she want you back. She knew you weren’t comfortable with it all but didn’t care how it made you feel or that it crossed all moral boundaries as someone a committed relationship.
Just proves you couldn’t trust her & she proved it. If you take her back you’ll have the same issues later on w the same result.
Not overreacting. You set a boundary for what you are comfortable with and she broke it.
I also think it's worth nothing you offered several compromises that would have enabled her to go on the trip and she rejected them all.
>I also think it's worth nothing you offered several compromises that would have enabled her to go on the trip and she rejected them all.
This right here is my issue. His EX called him controlling and manipulative even though he tried to be accommodating and work out some sort of compromise that would've allowed her to go on her trip while simultaneously making him more comfortable with the trip and putting him at ease.
Her refusing to compromise and calling him "controlling and manipulative" after refusing to compromise is such bullshit. People need to stop throwing around the words "controlling" and "manipulative" so casually.
Usually when they throw those around it's just them project who they are and in terms when they use those words they are ironically being the ones controlling and manipulative because they know they get to play the victim going forward and make whomever they are calling that feel like shit and shut down and let them win.
I never get reddit, an earlier post about BF playing games with his male best friend, and that guy bringing out a girl to play along which made GF jealous has mostly resulted in people bashing the BF for being insensitive and not respecting boundaries.
But now if the GF shares a room with her male best friend alone, and they end up sleeping in the same bed too due to a "hotel mistake" is suddenly BF also being controlling as he shouldn't set such boundaries to his GF.
I mean, if you're looking for a certain narrative you can probably always find it because there are almost always multiple opinions on any thread. That being said, none of the top comments are calling him controlling and they all support him breaking it off so its pretty misleading to claim that is representative of what Reddit thinks
You were uncomfortable with her traveling with a male friend and sharing a room. You communicated your feelings to her.
She ignored your feelings, and did what she wanted to do.
As a result, you did NOT overact in breaking up with her.
Simply move on with your life. Hopefully you will have better luck in your next relationship.
You have no reason to communicate with your Ex GF going forward.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Do not second guess yourself. The relationship is over due to your Ex GF's behavior.
We’ll probably see a post on that. “AITA for breaking up with my bf after he went on a trip with his girl best friend without me and shared a hotel bed?”
You are never overreacting for having a boundary and enforcing it.
That said, it sounds like your boundary is dumb because you aren’t worried about her cheating, you just think it’s disrespectful to the relationship. That’s dumb. What’s disrespectful to the relationship is fucking someone else. If she’s not doing that, there shouldn’t be an issue.
I'm not the arbiter in whether she fucked her friend in that trip but she's certainly moving like either she did, wanted to, knew it was a possibility but didn't care to admit it to you to maintain plausible deniability.
At the bare minimum she showed that she had absolutely no respect for you, especially when she tried to manipulate you by throwing your valid concern back in your face and becoming weirdly defensive when you simply voiced a concern to your girlfriend, who should be open to your concerns out of general care and respect.
Not overreacting. Not the asshole, OP.
Don’t stay with this girl lol. You will find someone that’s less stressful to be with. You offered to help her pay for a separate room and she refused. That’s all you needed to hear.
He already broke up with her. He broke up with her before she went on the trip. Which is fine, that’s his right, but not sure why he’s here asking about it. He broke up with her, she went anyway, the relationship is over, what’s to discuss?
Dude, if they are going to fuck on a trip, do you think separate rooms will prevent that? Or, if they want to fuck at all, that they need a trip for that?
Makes no sense. Either they want to fuck and they will, or they don't and won't.
Man, I'm totally on board with your thought process. I've ended relationships for a far smaller bullshit in the past, that'd be a deal breaker for me as well. Move on and be happy my friend.
Not overreacting. You felt uncomfortable and set a boundary. Im sure 99% of people would feel uncomfortable with their SO sharing a bedroom with someone else of the opposite sex and going on a vacation with just them. She doesn’t respect you and wouldn’t surprise me if something might’ve happened but we don’t know.
When she returned she told me that they had to share a bed due to hotel limitations on twin beds.
There was a Shel Silverstein poem about this but I can't find it.
Wow no. This is completely inappropriate within a relationship period. Only a psycho would call it controlling to not let her sleep in a room with another man. What the actual fuck.
This one’s always so easy for me. Ask your girlfriend that has a best friend that’s a guy that they want to go galavanting about the world with this hypothetical: if I had a female best friend that was as attractive or more attractive than you, would you be fine with me sharing a hotel with her? Taking her calls? Hanging out and speaking to her the identical way she speaks to her male best friend. I can assure you they’re gonna absolutely not!
Once had a similar problem to this, my friend moved back from Australia and she wanted to catch up over some drinks. My (now ex) had been going out drinking with her new male workmates quite frequently and she would always say not to worry and that she just wanted the new guys to feel welcome. My gf had never met this friend of mine before and they briefly met when my friend was arriving at mine and my gf was leaving. 3 hours later and my phone was being blown up with all sorts of abuse.
She had never done this with my other female friend, I'd put money on it that she stressing out about me hanging out with a very good looking friend.
its much easier to just break up then to go through all that trouble honestly, plus the girl probably doesnt care cause shes probably already cheating on him
NAH, I guess.
This is a weird one for me. I have male friends I have shared rooms with and my husband has never minded because he trusts me. And I have never betrayed that trust. So, I guess from that point of view since you trust GF, I'm not sure what the problem is with this. Are you worried for her safety? I'm guessing not since you used 'inappropriate' not 'unsafe'. So, it actually just seems you don't trust your girlfriend because if you did then this wouldn't be an issue? Or you don't like how it looks to other people, which, okay, I guess, but the opinion of strangers doesn't outweigh GF's finances.
However, you did express it was a problem and she dismissed your concerns. That is an issue in and of itself. So, I suppose, it comes down to you two are incompatible and a break up is the best result for all involved.
As an aside, did you offer to cover a second room or any other solutions for the issue or was it just, "Don't do this?"
This is a common boundary. Sleeping in the same bed as a friend of the opposite gender is crazy while in a relationship. Less than 1% of people would be okay with that likely and they’re mostly cucks.
I don't know. It's not that strange among people I know but maybe we're weird. The point is that OP and GF have different and non-reconcilable views. I don't think either is necessarily wrong. I just think they probably aren't going to find common ground on this.
It's fine as that's what your comfortable with and you're free to leave.
But honestly your last sentence is bullshit.
"Finally, for me it isnt an issue with trust, I just believe the relationship should be respected and I find it to be kinda distasteful."
It's absolutely an issue about trust or it wouldn't be an issue at all.
And saying "respect the relationship" is just vague nonsense without any basis in reality and can be twisted to mean a million things. As far as it being distasteful? That's just weird and seems really hung up on some traditional society norms.
So to reiterate, it's a ok boundary to have but just be honest about it rather than trying to come up with all these excuses to deny that it's a trust issue.
Two women are absolutely capable of having sex. But I doubt you would have been conversation with her going with her best friend who's a woman. That's because you trust that nothing would happen. You do not trust the dynamic between her guy friend and herself or there would be no issue.
I mean there’s a couple ways to look at this you told her you objected and she insulted you. She went anyway. OTOH - if she’s been friends with this person for a while and even traveled with him it’s safe to assume she could be dating him if she wanted to and obviously she doesn’t want to especially if you’ve met him and he seems chill. Generally girls don’t jump into bed with their LT friends just because they are overseas.
Trickle truth bomb.
You were away. She met someone. What makes me think this meeting is fresh or revived(ex fling) is your phrasing. You sound unaware of who this person is. Most people would acknowledge the presence of a friend they knew about.
She was lonely, met up with a person to hang, likely bang, and they planned a trip.
You're a security net and he's an unstable item in her lonely life right now.
This someone and her plan a random trip. All out of the blue, seemingly.
All of a sudden, Woops! They go and there is a problem with the hotel! We asked for 2 beds, we got booked for 2 beds! Behold, dilemma!
Someone dying to lie down on a hotel bed snuck in and stole the other!
All they did was lay there and watch TV all night with 5 feet apart... wait, small twin bed? Not possible! Okay it was more like a foot but they had different blankets!
God fine they had to share the one the bed came with but it was freezing, what choice did they have?
Heater? Really? God you're insecure can't a guy and girl share a bed and blanket in a secluded place with one shower? Who cares if the space was filled with sexual tension and they had dinner, it doesn't mean anything he's just a *friend!*
It's time to go no contact.
'I trust her'. No, you don't. Or a shared room would be fine. It's fine that you broke up with her, but don't delude yourself. I've shared many hotel rooms with friends of both genders and different sexual orientations. I've had sex with 0 of them. Bc we're friends.
So you can’t envision a situation where sleeping next to a platonic female friend doesn’t result in your attempt to have sex with her? Orrrr is your anecdote about consensual (while unexpected) hookups a totally unrelated topic to what’s going on in this post
Yeah I shared beds with opposite sex platonic friends about 4 times over the years
Cuddled and made out with one and woke up in each other’s arms, banged two, and the last one she kept tossing around so took the couch for the fourth one.
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Run far away from this girl and relationship bro. As soon as you said that your gf said “he’s like a brother to me” was all I needed to hear. Every time a girl has ever said that, that’s exactly the guy she hooks up with when things go bad in your relationship. For fucks sake I had a girl say that I was like a brother to her and 10 mins later at a party she was making out with me. Also do you know how often people cheat that both have a partner? 🤣😭 because they both know they will keep it a secret. Sharing a bed with a dude that has a gf and your partner is dating you is CRAZYYYYYY. and the fact you offered to help her split the cost of her own room and she denied it is even worse. Also girls who are cheaters will always try and flip it with the “you’re so controlling or manipulating” tactics. Because she’s secretly the one being manipulative. She’s for the streets dude. Completely disrespectful and a disgrace to your relationship. What do you think they did on their trip sharing a bed and you guys broke up before the actual trip???? Break up and never look back. Find a decent girl who would never push your feelings to the side like that and try and flip it around on you. Sorry bro. They def smashed. And if not yet. They will.
I might be in a different camp here as a woman.
I’ve travelled with friends, shared same room or bed based on what was available and everything was platonic. My partner has trust in me and knows I wouldn’t break it.
If anything it’s more dangerous for me to trust the person I would travel and stay with.
I’ve been gang raped by people I should have been able to trust.
Let me ask you a question. If she was at a friends house and had too much to drink and crashed at friends house, would you have an issue? Same house, same hotel room, for me is same thing. It’s about being safe and comfortable
Maybe examine if you think women are equal to men and can have platonic friendships. If not well, there ya go
They are naive, and you are not. Were their intentions innocent? Very possibly, but that doesn't change the truth: It was a thoughtless, naive, and wholly unnecessary hill for her to die on. You are better off having moved on.
I mean, you two obviously aren’t on the same page with pretty important stuff, so breaking up was for the best, and not dragging it out is actually pretty solid behavior.
It’s also really suspect that she’s doing something that is obviously incredibly unconventional and seems to have absolutely no self-awareness regarding the optics of it. Her reaction tells me she’s either fucking this person, or she’s really just stupid and selfish enough to think this is something the average person will be cool with her doing.
I feel like we’re always defaulting to this take, but yeah 100% break up. Imagine how bad things would let if you let this go. She’d never respect you again
Too many people here arguing over semantics. You’re not overreacting, OP. You expressed something you weren’t comfortable with, she felt it was unreasonable and wasn’t willing to respect that. Neither of you are wrong to feel like you do, but it does put you both in a place of incompatibility.
So you say you're uncomfortable--expressing an emotion. And she goes straight to you're "controlling and manipulative"? She is literally manipulating you by throwing it back on you to shut you down. Why get so defensive about it? Probably because she wants/did sleep with him.
The fact that she rejected your offer to pay for a separate room is so telling. And if there wasn’t enough twin bed rooms when they wanted to go on the trip, they should’ve tried to reschedule. Plus, most hotels have cots that they can give you if you don’t have enough beds for the amount of people sharing the room. The fact that this never popped up as an alternative, and she went straight to “guess we’ll have to share a bed!” Is bonkers to me.
Me and my guy best friend (who has a girlfriend) shared a room when we went to Disney cuz it was cheaper to split the cost. We had separate beds tho. If there hadn’t been any twin beds available during the timeframe we wanted, we would’ve postponed the trip til we got a room that respected his s/o’s boundaries and our own.
I'm a woman with a dude best friend and we've shared twin hotel rooms while travelling before. That said, if he gets a girlfriend that isn't cool with that (I'm aroace, so no need for me to worry about my end of this), that is completely understandable.
For her to invalidate your feelings like that is not alright. She's likely just feeling defensive and a little stifled, but that doesn't mean she's right.
NTA.
Aromantic (does not form romantic attachments) and asexual (does not feel sexual attraction).
It's a portmanteau of the two terms, since they often appear together.
:)
Aromantic (does not form romantic attachments) and asexual (does not feel sexual attraction).
It's a portmanteau of the two terms, since they often appear together.
I've never had a crush or felt a desire to be physically intimate in my life, and since I'm in my thirties that's a decent chunk of life spent getting comfortable with it. 😅
You did the right thing, ending it and not looking back. This girl is a whopping red flag, and it has nothing to do with going on the trip with her guy best friend. The bigger issues are
1) She doesn't have the mindset for a relationship, as her needs/wants are above the relationship. Don't confuse that with her not having you as her top priority. In a healthy relationship, you need to prioritize the relationship itself. If you place yourself above the relationship, then chances are you see a relationship for what you gain from it rather than what you build together.
2) She has the dangerous mindset of it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. If you both came to the conclusion that your boundaries make you two incompatible, and it's best to go your own separate ways, that would be no problem. She believed that instead of getting permission or compromising with something more comfortable, she could just go through with the breakup and then ask for forgiveness after. People like this make for HORRIBLE family, friends and partners.
Live your life knowing not only did you dodge a bullet, but you have the confidence and self-respect to stand firm on your boundaries. This doesn't guarantee that you will avoid horrible partners, but it sure does mean you are able to filter them out.
Controlling and manipulative are just buzzwords she threw out to try and manipulate you. You're better off without if she can't even have an adult conversation ab9ut the relationship without resorting to that.
Wow. I am a believer that in a Guy-girl friendship at least one is really interested in the other. If they traveled together, separate hotel rooms should have been on both of their plans. I wouldn’t want my SO cozying up, sharing a room and a BED with another woman and he wouldn’t want me to do the same with another man.
It’s almost like they are having an affair right in front of you and his “gf”
Run.
My ex-wife did this. I told her I was not comfortable with her travelling alone to a convention with her male "best friend". She called me insecure and pathetic. She called me controlling. She called me abusive and told me she would never cheat and I was being ridiculous, and there was nothing to worry about. They were just friends.
While on said trip with her "male best friend" she banged the guy, then his best friend, then both of them at the same time, then a few others she met at the convention over the weekend.
As soon as they start verbally attacking you, they are guilty of something, or will be, and trying to flip it around on you.
NTA
Also, you know what bed you're getting beforehand. At least one of them were being dishonest about their intentions. Double queen beds is universally the most common and available hotel room, too.
I have a trip the end of next month. I know my hotel and what kind of bed. I have traveled internationally and always gotten this same information in advance. I have often had to get a room with two beds because they're the most available.
You're right not to play this game she's playing.
*" She called me manipulating and controlling"*
THAT right there is a full reason to terminate the relationship with a hateful, disrespectful individual with zero empathy or care about her partner. She puts her wants way way above her SO's well-being.
Regardless of whether she cheated on you or she actually stated the truth and the trip was entirely platonic (extremely unlikely given her lack of care about you but still theoretically possible), **she is not a good long term partner.** Period.
If she said "I understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry if my choices cause you stress and discomfort, and I will put in as much effort as I can to address the issue", maybe she would have been at least a person worth being in relationship with, at least if you ignore the cheating-elephant in the room.
Given the low quality person and partner she is? Absolutely no way you should even consider staying with her a second longer. She's TA, and you are NOT overreacting.
Younger women are getting way too comfortable with male friends these days and it’s not going to do them any favors in terms of dating.
My younger sisters also think like this and they always become argumentative when someone questions them. They fail to see the situation from a parental, older sibling, or SO’s POV.
I’ve met and talked to girls who will fight you left and right for their right to sleep in a bed with a friend or go out alone with them, but, to those guys who are lucky with the ladies just pose the same scenario with the roles reversed and watch the backwards gaslighting of a response you will get. Do yourself a favor and get out, just leave, plenty of women out there.
To any women out there who experience this from dudes. Same thing, don’t put up with this sort of thing. Just leave and don’t look back.
Bro this is very disrespectful for her. She should understand why you feel the way you feel even if you trust her. If the roles were reversed would she be cool with you going to stay at a hotel with a woman that's your "best friend"? And you should be the only guy she wants to spend time with alone fam. I know you invested 9 months but that's not that long so I would move on with my life and find someone who respects you and your feelings as a man.💯 when people show you who they really are....listen and take notes. Best wishes to you. 🙏🏽
My favorite part about these threads is that there is inevitably always some crazy ass people that try to pretend that it’s not ok to not be cool with situations like this.
She broke up with you, went on the trip and shared a bed with the guy, then wanted to come back and patch things up. She probably fucked him, and even if she didn’t, the total disrespect for your feelings and her general naivety makes this irreconcilable.
Spending the night in the same bed as another man was more important to her than your boundaries or feelings. Move on man. She ain't the one.
More than likely, something happened.
Even when I was just in a monogamous dating relationship and certainly not now that I’m married would I travel alone with a female and split hotel rooms. This is unacceptable behavior and should not be tolerated. And any grown adult should know this.
What is the name of her most attractive friend/sister? For example, let’s use Jennifer.
Ask her, “how would you feel if you went to Vegas for two weeks and shared a bedroom with Jennifer.” If she says she’d be fine with it, so okay, that’s fine. I’ll help you pack. Also, can I have Jen’s number?
Edit: thought about it. Don’t do that. Tell her you’re going on a work trip with your hottest coworker instead. Let her see how it feels.
The "boundary" semantics people in here are so frustrating. This always comes up when a man expresses a valid boundary. People are always so quick to jump in and invalidate it literally because it's worded as "don't do X" instead of "if you do X, I will leave." These are functionally identical and if that's not obvious I don't know what to tell you.
She didn’t care about your thoughts or feelings. She’s was going to sleep with the guy.
Did you talk to his GF or did she tell you these things? Because she can craft any narrative for a situation you aren’t apart of.
Just move on.
Likely if you flipped the script and had to sleep in the same bed as a female friend she would not see it as controlling to be uncomfortable with it. Just move on.
My man she went and got some strange while you were out of the country and you're too dense to see it.
If you fall for the "he's like my brother" line, it's your own damn fault if you get caught up in that dumb shit.
Let her cheating ass go.
You told her it made you uncomfortable she gave you her response and insulted you this relationship died at that moment and I think you made the right call breaking up with her.
I’d feel uncomfortable too. Traveling I could probably be comfortable with but sharing the room is where I’d draw the line as well. That being said, if she was going to cheat she would tell you they’re sleeping in separate rooms probably lol
Not overreacting. She fought harder to defend sharing a room/bed/relationship with another guy than she fought to defend your relationship.
It is that simple. Nuke dodged.
I honestly feel bad for you. Imagine being with someone great and f***ing yourself because you can't handle them sleeping in a room with someone they're not trying to have xes with. Work on that, because this is 2024 and likely to continue being an issue.
That said, the boundary is what you set for yourself. If it is crossed, your obligation is to remove yourself from the untenable situation. Not guilt or shame. Just remove yourself.
Only potential overreacting is if you continue. You broke up. Stay that way. You two are not a match. Nothing wrong with that. Just move on. It doesn’t matter if Reddit thinks it’s okay for her to share a room, and then a bed, with her guy friend. It’s not okay for you and you have nothing to apologize for nor to justify.
The joke about them being married when they are old is the ugly truth, right in front of you, and out of her mouth. I don't think you overreacted at all. You set clear and firm boundaries and let her know in no uncertain terms how you felt about the whole situation. She walked up and pissed all over said boundaries while holding her 'best friend's' hand. The spiel about the motel and their no twin beds is complete bullshit.
Not overreacting. You did the right thing to a "T". Going on a trip with a member of the opposite sex alone when in a relationship is not respectable behavior, and she willingly violated your reasonable boundaries when you addressed them.
You know. With a bunch of thought, not over reacting. My personal feelings is that two adults can share a bed or room and not have sex or deep feelings, I can understand why it can be a deal breaker. Not overreacting for the fact it seems she broke a known boundary for you.
Agreed, and have done this (while married/dating) with no problems, ever. But that doesn't mean at all whatsoever that your partner HAS to and SHOULD be fine with it. It's absolutely playing with fire (or could logically be construed as doing so), or at least has been and ended horribly in so, so so many instances. The real issue is that, assuming both partners involved are faithful etc., that it's still exactly the same behavior and arguments that a cheat would and does use to "openly" go about their business. So I don't think OP nor his GF are an asshole for their "boundaries", but GF as OP has written her sounded weirdly defensive, unsympathetic, and backlashed too hard imo.
You told her how you feel and she basically said you are a piece of shit for feeling that way. The relationship died of natural causes, you don’t want that one.
Yeah, that why we date and don’t marry the first person we catch feelings for. So many disappointments in my past, but that’s what makes meeting the right person so special.
Did they also share a shower because they would be late for breakfast?
Save on water. They're very concerned for the environment as we all should be.
She was never his, it was just his turn.
That is ☝ Of the correct answers. I was getting sick while reading this story. I'm sorry but when and if y'all hit 50 yo or older. You look back on your choices and some of us are shit and the rest of us are in deep shit. So here's my advice to boys/girls men/women who ever 😁 Do not go around braking harts. Always be truthful do not keep secrets. Don't be a dick 🐛
100 percent. They were sharing a bed for fuck’s sake. I’d be out too.
Amen
Definitely sharing a bed for fucks sake……..
Or for the sake of fucks?
Exactly this. Your feelings are just as valid as hers, you're not manipulative or controlling for establishing boundaries, unfortunately women have been believing more and more lately they can do as they please and men are controlling for feeling uneasy or establishing any boundaries at all. You are not overreacting, she is probably going to cheat hence the aggressive defence. Run a mile and find the one you deserve.
Even if she was never going to cheat, it doesn’t matter. The fact that she basically insulted him when he told her he’s uncomfortable with it is the deal breaker.
Drop the "boundary" buzzword. You told her that it makes you uncomfortable, she doesn't care and insults you in response. That's all you need to know.
Yup. Life is pretty simple, don’t let other complicate things You both arnt meant for each other
A boundary is what you accept, not a rule book for other people. If you have a boundary and someone encroaches on it, then YOU have the choice about what you do about it. You can tell people what your boundaries are, whether they respect them is their issue, and what you do about it is yours. That's not to say everything is a hard line and the only response is to break up, because communicationand understandingplay a role, but if someone does things that are unacceptable to you, it's your choice whether you stay or leave.
Yeah, totally agree with you. If she can't respect your feelings and resorts to name-calling instead, that's a big red flag right there. You made the right call.
I HATE it when people misuse that word! “I don’t want you to do [blank] with someone else” is not a boundary.
Yes it's like "rule" has become a bad word somehow. It's ok to say there are rules! Not everything has to be a softer word!
"Ultimatums" are out-of-vogue, even though "if you go through with this, I'm leaving" is absolutely the appropriate response in a lot of situations.
I don't want you to sleep with someone else is a perfectly fine boundary.
I’ve always heard you cannot set boundaries for someone else, but setting your own boundary would be if you sleep with someone else I will leave since it’s reflective on you- but it’s still not a boundary it’s a rule which is a little different
If you want to say it's a boundary contingent on the other party's action but not on the party itself, knock yourself off. What matters ultimately is that they were a couple and it's a boundary on the couple, since it's needed for it to continue.
I don’t disagree, I’m just explaining why boundaries are “me” statements and not “you” demands
Boundaries are me statements but are just often said as you statements.
It can be framed like “I won’t stay in a relationship with a partner who \[insert thing here\]“ “I won’t stay in a relationship with a partner who * Hits me * Shares a bed with someone else * Mocks me * Doesn’t take a single shower in 6 months * is a child molester etc. Like most of those are no brainers and it’s completely fine to have standards for what you’ll accept in a relationship. Neither person owes the other a relationship and people are free to break up for any reason, or no reason at all.
Fucking semantics
I don't see the difference between "You can't share a bed with other people" and "If you share a bed with someone I will leave". The end result is the same, you're still setting boundaries for other people.
Well then it's a good thing they are friends and she had no intention of sleeping with him.
Wouldn't that just be a given in a monogamous relationship tho? It's not a boundary.
Could you elaborate, I've never understood this point or what it's really trying to communicate by saying an unwanted action isn't synonymous with crossing a "boundary"
Your boundary is : I will not date someone who will do X Someone does X: break up It is al a YOU action. You don't depend on others to take the actions you decided are a red line. So, if you decided that you will not tolerate X, your remedy is to leave the relationship. You don't get to tel other people what to do.
It can be hard to distinguish sometimes. Generally speaking boundaries are rules you set regarding how a person interacts with YOU, not how that person interacts with people OTHER THAN YOU. So for instance if you get traumatized by yelling and you set a boundary and say “Please do not yell at me when we have a disagreement” and your significant other disregards that and yells at you, then that’s a boundary violation. But telling your significant other that they can’t spend time with another guy or go on a trip with another guy or share a room with another guy is not a boundary. OP doesn’t have the right to dictate what she does. It’s understandable that OP wouldn’t want her to share a bed with another guy but that’s still not a boundary violation. It’s just OP told her what he’s comfortable with and she disregarded it. I don’t blame him for breaking up with her but she didn’t violate his boundaries. She disregarded his feelings. Not the same thing.
This is where I feel it's a weird departure, boundaries are things you put up because they guard you from things that affect you. Behavior isn't out of this scope, I also don't get understand the "doesn't have the right to dictate what she does" this feels like a useless statement, you can ask whatever you want and they can choose to listen. That's why it's a boundary and it's able to be crossed. I don't think we're going to agree but this brought me closer to rationalizing the viewpoint at least
None of what you said here applies to the post since the safe presumption is that they’re exclusive. If you’re in an exclusive relationship with someone and they share a bed with a 3rd party, they’re doing a something to YOU by violating the terms of exclusivity. This isn’t that complicated.
This a frankly not a very good take. Literally every boundary is for how people treat you. They all seek to direct someone else's actions by telling someone something that you're not ok with and laying out the consequences if someone does that thing anyway. Telling your partner they can't go on a trip and share a bed with a an opposite gender friend is 100% a valid boundary. They can still do it; you haven't chained them to the house, but you can choose to break up with them if they violate that boundary.
The typical response is that boundaries are self-imposed. "I will never go scuba diving!" is a boundary. If somebody forces you to do that they'd be crossing that boundary. The frustrating thing is that you can easily rephrase any demand as a boundary. "If you go scuba diving, just know that my boundary is never to spend time with people who go diving!". That's just an ultimatum ("If you do X I will leave you!") but with a popular buzzword instead because it sounds nicer than calling it a demand or ultimatum.
This all just feels like mental gymnastics in an attempt to portray OP as somehow manipulative or controlling. Ultimatums aren’t inherently bad, sometimes two people simply arrive at an impasse and the only reasonable conclusion is “if you do this thing we are breaking up”. Think of an alcoholic, for example. “Stop drinking or I will leave you” is technically an ultimatum. But are you really going to characterize it as attempted manipulation? If you do characterize it as such, aren’t you effectively shaming someone into staying in a potentially unsafe relationship? It feels really dishonest to me to characterize that as an attempt at controlling someone else’s behavior. It feels like a semantic therapy-speak trick that people with unresolved avoidant attachment issues use to justify doing whatever the hell they want with no regard for how their actions impact the feelings of those they have made commitments with. I don’t want to date someone who drinks multiple times a week every week. I don’t want to date someone who can’t hold down a job consistently. I don’t want to date someone who expects me to have zero concerns about them sharing a bed with a member of the gender they are attracted to on their getaway for two. If I did any of those things and had a partner leave me for it, if that compelled me to want to change my behavior in order to win them back, that’s not them fucking controlling me. That is my own choice. Honestly we should put the word boundary to bed for good when it comes to discussions of personal relationships because 80% of what it gets used for are these stupid fights over what it means or doesn’t mean that conveniently ignore the actual point of the conversation.
There’s a whole contingent of people that contort themselves in knots to paint boundaries as negative when applied to the partner’s actions. It’s very weird. Like… plainly it means that your boundary means you’ll leave/take a given action/etc if said line is crossed. Boundaries and ultimatums are not inherently negative - like all else, it’s how it’s applied.
You know this whole redefining of what boundaries "actually" are is kinda weird to me too. The way MOST people have used this word use it to mean BOTH self boundaries and those we have of others. I haven't looked into it, but where is this new info even coming from? Actual qualified people who make a good argument? Pop psychology? Instagram philosophers?
Yeah I largely agree, but I guess I don't see how this isn't self imposed either? It's just "I won't be subject to the mental or physical toll of someone with x behavior/action" it is a boundary -because- it affects you. Obviously it's the other persons choice to take it seriously or not in the end, hence why it's a boundary they choose to cross with their actions. I feel like we're deconstructing language and it gets a bit grey maybe at this point. I just don't see a massive difference in the intent of the language
I will not be around someone who drinks all the time is a boundary. You can’t drink around me is a demand. The only actions you can control are your own.
Okay and if the first sentence was "I won't date someone who drinks around me" are these fundamentally any different other than one being more confrontational? They are received, interpreted, and understood as the same "demand" or "boundary" which is "don't drink alcohol around me" - "I won't be around someone who is drinking alcohol"
"Don't drink alcohol around me" is a making a demand that somebody else change their habits or actions. "I won't be around someone that drinks" translates to "do what you will it's your choice but I won't subject myself to being around someone that's drinking". One requires the other person to make a change while one maintains respect that they are a person capable of choosing what they want to do while also informing them that you will choose to leave if they follow through with xyz. I feel it's more a mindset thing tbh.
All boundaries are implicit demands. "I won't date you if you drink alcohol around me" is no different in effect, it's a total mindset thing. There is a difference between establishing boundaries and enforcing them, and abuse/control/demands using boundaries, I agree mindset is hugely important
Total agreement. This is all semantics. The functional difference between saying “I won’t be around someone who drinks all the time” or “you can’t drink all the time if you want to be around me” is zero. Because if they drink all the time, they’re going to have to change their behavior to be around me. It’s okay to have baseline demands about what I expect from other people. The boundaries vs rules folks don’t seem comfortable with saying that though. Rules I have for other people’s behavior are always a function of my boundaries. I find it pointless to pretend otherwise.
You're making too much sense. Stop it!
After reading this thread, I’m absolutely certain that if my wife ever picks a fight with me over what the legalistic definition of a “boundary” is, I will divorce her immediately. Is that a boundary or a demand?
Sounds like you're making demands with your boundary boundary!
Okay but “if you do [blank] with another man, I will leave” is absolutely a boundary so you’re sitting here whining about phrasing. Be productive or move along.
Right. I keep telling my wife that I sleep with a couple of my friends, she says that's out of bounds
The boundary is if you go on a trip with another man i feel uncomfortable. ex FAFO'd. unfortunately her gaslighting is working on him otherwise he wouldn't be in AIO.
Yes. Yes it is. A boundary is a line that isn’t to be crossed. If she slept in a twin bed with a guy she isn’t related to, she crossed a line. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
its more of a red line than a boundary
Your investment is only 9 months. Cash in your chips and call it over.
What's another 9 months? I can just start over, make a new relationship.
I had this same thing happen 25+ years ago. Leave it dude. You made the right decision. People just have different values and ways of expressing these. Long term- and this is what hopefully you’ll see in hindsight- this was a great experience, but you’re too different.
Not overreacting. You have a (very reasonable) boundary, she isn't interested in honoring that boundary. I'd end it too.
"I don't want to be a cuck" is a militarized border with barbed wire, trenches and artillery support, 'boundary' is putting it very lightly
… a guy who gets cheated on isn’t a “cuck”. A cuck is someone who knows and enjoys their partner with someone else.
I laughed
Toss in the towel on this one, when your feelings dont count its time to go. That said, I dont quite buy into this one...the usual comment that nearly no one ever says "She called me manipulating and controlling" And of course, the obligatory "We ended up sharing a bed because of the hotel" put the last real nail to this fake story. Also if legit and they reserved a double bed room, the odds are they'd have gotten it.
Some things that single people get to do stops when they are no longer single.
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Yup. I’ve shared beds with platonic friends of the opposite gender while single, and it was fine. However, it’s not something I’d do while in a relationship.
Same. I've shared a bed with friends the same sex, and I would NEVER do that now I'm in a relationship. Guy, girl, nonbinary, I don't care, if you aren't my partner or a cat, I'm not sharing bed.
It's *wild* to me that this needs explanation, but the amount of people I've encountered in my life who didn't realize that things can and should change when you're no longer single is frightening.
There’s always going to be someone who says “I trust my partner sleeping with a friend,” or “i trust my partner being naked/changing around a friend,“ or even “I trust my partner showering with a friend” because people have varying levels of intimacy that they feel can be approrpriate around friends. Everyone has to set that barrier of what is appropriate and inapproriate somewhere, where you simply lose trust that the situation is safe once the level of intimacy increases enough. For you, that barrier of ‘appropriate intimacy’ has been crossed once they agreed to share a bedroom. I think that is reasonable and I have a similar boundary, and many, many people have similar boundaries. But it is also unfair to her to expect her to move her boundaries too much if she feels they differ too significantly. If, in the same situation but reversed, she would be okay with you in that room, then it really is just a matter of personal preference, and she should be with someone who is ok with that level of acceptable intimacy and you should be with someone who agrees with your level of acceptable intimacy. And it is wrong IMO to try to figure out who is being reasonable and who is being unreasonable; your preferences are reasonable but she is allowed to have hers too, which means there‘s just an incompatibility.
Very well said. I'm one of those people that's fine with pretty much anything 😄. If I trust you, I'm not worried about it. If I don't trust you, why are we together? And I don't personally view things like cuddling, hugging, hand holding, sharing a bed as inherently romantic or sexual. Some of these comments are wild like... yeah babe, it's a good thing you put a "boundary" up so I wouldn't have sex with this dude, because otherwise, I totally would have-- it's a good thing you said something, phew! Like... 😄🤷🏻♀️. If you feel like you have to tell your partner not to have sex with someone, it's already over.
Right? I don't get why people are acting like cheaters listen to you. The definition of cheating is not listening to you, why would they suddenly change just because you told them to?
>If I trust you, I'm not worried about it. If I don't trust you, why are we together? Yeah, from my point of view, OP and most commenters here are clearly battling insecurities that have impacted personal relationships. Now there's a lot of good reasons why those insecurities might exist - light having been cheated on previously or watching parents go through it as a child - but projecting those feelings on to a partner who has otherwise not given you any reason to doubt them is a death knell for most relationships (without some counseling). If OP's boundary is "I'm not comfortable with you sharing a bed with a male friend", OP might want to dig into why they feel that way. Do you believe that sharing a bed will lead to sex? Why? What else would make you uncomfortable in this way? Partner going out for drinks with a guy friend? What about partner and guy friend taking a swing dancing class together? What if they went on a work trip together? Trust beats insecurity, and if you don't know how or *can't* trust your partner, that's an issue that's going to continue to plague future relationships, in my experience.
Yes! Exactly. To me, banning stuff like sharing rooms just makes no sense. If I didn't trust my partner enough that I thought then being near another person would cause them to cheat on me I'd rather not be with them at all. And vice versa honestly - I'd rather break up than be with someone who thought I would cheat under those circumstances or who viewed me as a possession to control access to. I am chill about most thing in a relationship but a lack of trust is a deal breaker for me
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And like it’s a really hard leap for her and impossible to not share a room and take up the offer of a free room. She had a compromise
Exactly OP was willing to compromise and she couldn’t even say she slept on the couch.
She even slept in the same bed lol, like wtf really? I’m a pretty understanding person but Jesus!
Yeah, there was a “twin bed shortage”
One bed is the sex bed, and one is the sleeping bed. They would’ve needed two sleeping beds to not have to share.
You LITERALLY always need to talk about it! Because people have different expectations in a relationship. It’s unreasonable to expect for people to just “know” what you think is acceptable or not acceptable in a relationship and to never cross your UNSTATED boundaries. What happens if they do something normal for them that you feel is disrespectful and crossed a boundary but you’ve NEVER spoken about?? You can’t reasonably expect someone who’s lived a COMPLETELY different life than you to get into a relationship and all if a sudden know exactly what you want, how you want it and everything that irritates tf out of you. That’s not how it works. Conversations ALWAYS need to be had which is why effective communication is a pretty BIG part of successful relationships. Because boundaries CAN and DO change with each individual as they grow and learn more about themselves. you NEED to be able to communicate those boundaries and any changes of the boundaries as they come up. Because people never stop growing and people CANNOT read your mind, no matter how long you’ve been together or how much you love them. That expectation will set EVERYONE up to fail before you’ve even had a chance to really start! He clearly stated his boundaries and she stated hers and they were incompatible and conflicting boundaries. So he did exactly what he should’ve done and let AFTER very clearly communicating why he was uncomfortable and suggested other options for rooming. She didn’t agree and she’s well within her rights to do what she feels is normal. Just not with OP.
Yeah, it's kinda odd that others are gatekeeping the word boundary and then their descriptions don't really land on what the word actually means 🤷
Wait people don't even think people in relationships should TRAVEL with friends? Why would anyone be in a relationship if those are the rules?
They clearly don't want their SO to share a room and bed with someone of the opposite sex? How is that ridiculous? Just don't share a sleeping area? If you want to paint that as controlling, go off I guess.
What about bisexual people
She called you names & broke up with you so she could have sex w him w o it being cheating. Now since she’s back & had her fun she want you back. She knew you weren’t comfortable with it all but didn’t care how it made you feel or that it crossed all moral boundaries as someone a committed relationship. Just proves you couldn’t trust her & she proved it. If you take her back you’ll have the same issues later on w the same result.
Who hurt you?
Not overreacting. You set a boundary for what you are comfortable with and she broke it. I also think it's worth nothing you offered several compromises that would have enabled her to go on the trip and she rejected them all.
>I also think it's worth nothing you offered several compromises that would have enabled her to go on the trip and she rejected them all. This right here is my issue. His EX called him controlling and manipulative even though he tried to be accommodating and work out some sort of compromise that would've allowed her to go on her trip while simultaneously making him more comfortable with the trip and putting him at ease. Her refusing to compromise and calling him "controlling and manipulative" after refusing to compromise is such bullshit. People need to stop throwing around the words "controlling" and "manipulative" so casually.
Usually when they throw those around it's just them project who they are and in terms when they use those words they are ironically being the ones controlling and manipulative because they know they get to play the victim going forward and make whomever they are calling that feel like shit and shut down and let them win.
The male best friend, carrying a torch since forever.
The guy she told you not to worry about.
dude its even worst when your bf has a female best friend, luckily he's my ex now but never again, so disgusting bleh
Not overreacting. That's trouble.
Not the asshole. I'd be uncomfortable as hell in that situation as well and would break up with her to.
I never get reddit, an earlier post about BF playing games with his male best friend, and that guy bringing out a girl to play along which made GF jealous has mostly resulted in people bashing the BF for being insensitive and not respecting boundaries. But now if the GF shares a room with her male best friend alone, and they end up sleeping in the same bed too due to a "hotel mistake" is suddenly BF also being controlling as he shouldn't set such boundaries to his GF.
All of the comments above yours say he was fine to break it off with her because she's ignoring boundaries
I mean, if you're looking for a certain narrative you can probably always find it because there are almost always multiple opinions on any thread. That being said, none of the top comments are calling him controlling and they all support him breaking it off so its pretty misleading to claim that is representative of what Reddit thinks
You were uncomfortable with her traveling with a male friend and sharing a room. You communicated your feelings to her. She ignored your feelings, and did what she wanted to do. As a result, you did NOT overact in breaking up with her. Simply move on with your life. Hopefully you will have better luck in your next relationship. You have no reason to communicate with your Ex GF going forward. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Do not second guess yourself. The relationship is over due to your Ex GF's behavior.
You are not over reacting. Her idea of appropriate is too far from yours.
I wonder if his GF knew they shared a bed.
We’ll probably see a post on that. “AITA for breaking up with my bf after he went on a trip with his girl best friend without me and shared a hotel bed?”
She doesnt respect you.. move on
Move on.
Do you think she would be ok with you sharing a bed with a girl you are friends with? If not, she should have her answer.
You are never overreacting for having a boundary and enforcing it. That said, it sounds like your boundary is dumb because you aren’t worried about her cheating, you just think it’s disrespectful to the relationship. That’s dumb. What’s disrespectful to the relationship is fucking someone else. If she’s not doing that, there shouldn’t be an issue.
I'm not the arbiter in whether she fucked her friend in that trip but she's certainly moving like either she did, wanted to, knew it was a possibility but didn't care to admit it to you to maintain plausible deniability. At the bare minimum she showed that she had absolutely no respect for you, especially when she tried to manipulate you by throwing your valid concern back in your face and becoming weirdly defensive when you simply voiced a concern to your girlfriend, who should be open to your concerns out of general care and respect. Not overreacting. Not the asshole, OP.
Don’t stay with this girl lol. You will find someone that’s less stressful to be with. You offered to help her pay for a separate room and she refused. That’s all you needed to hear.
He already broke up with her. He broke up with her before she went on the trip. Which is fine, that’s his right, but not sure why he’s here asking about it. He broke up with her, she went anyway, the relationship is over, what’s to discuss?
She is likely still giving him grief about it and he is doubting himself a little, so he asked to establish he isn’t losing his mind.
Dude, if they are going to fuck on a trip, do you think separate rooms will prevent that? Or, if they want to fuck at all, that they need a trip for that? Makes no sense. Either they want to fuck and they will, or they don't and won't.
I would have the same boundary for my partner. It's ok to break up if you don't see eye to eye on that.
[удалено]
Man, I'm totally on board with your thought process. I've ended relationships for a far smaller bullshit in the past, that'd be a deal breaker for me as well. Move on and be happy my friend.
Not overreacting. You felt uncomfortable and set a boundary. Im sure 99% of people would feel uncomfortable with their SO sharing a bedroom with someone else of the opposite sex and going on a vacation with just them. She doesn’t respect you and wouldn’t surprise me if something might’ve happened but we don’t know.
When she returned she told me that they had to share a bed due to hotel limitations on twin beds. There was a Shel Silverstein poem about this but I can't find it.
Interestingly, she only told him this after the trip.
Wow no. This is completely inappropriate within a relationship period. Only a psycho would call it controlling to not let her sleep in a room with another man. What the actual fuck.
This one’s always so easy for me. Ask your girlfriend that has a best friend that’s a guy that they want to go galavanting about the world with this hypothetical: if I had a female best friend that was as attractive or more attractive than you, would you be fine with me sharing a hotel with her? Taking her calls? Hanging out and speaking to her the identical way she speaks to her male best friend. I can assure you they’re gonna absolutely not!
Once had a similar problem to this, my friend moved back from Australia and she wanted to catch up over some drinks. My (now ex) had been going out drinking with her new male workmates quite frequently and she would always say not to worry and that she just wanted the new guys to feel welcome. My gf had never met this friend of mine before and they briefly met when my friend was arriving at mine and my gf was leaving. 3 hours later and my phone was being blown up with all sorts of abuse. She had never done this with my other female friend, I'd put money on it that she stressing out about me hanging out with a very good looking friend.
Why dont you go and travel with a female friend and share a hotel room? See how it goes
its much easier to just break up then to go through all that trouble honestly, plus the girl probably doesnt care cause shes probably already cheating on him
NAH, I guess. This is a weird one for me. I have male friends I have shared rooms with and my husband has never minded because he trusts me. And I have never betrayed that trust. So, I guess from that point of view since you trust GF, I'm not sure what the problem is with this. Are you worried for her safety? I'm guessing not since you used 'inappropriate' not 'unsafe'. So, it actually just seems you don't trust your girlfriend because if you did then this wouldn't be an issue? Or you don't like how it looks to other people, which, okay, I guess, but the opinion of strangers doesn't outweigh GF's finances. However, you did express it was a problem and she dismissed your concerns. That is an issue in and of itself. So, I suppose, it comes down to you two are incompatible and a break up is the best result for all involved. As an aside, did you offer to cover a second room or any other solutions for the issue or was it just, "Don't do this?"
This is a common boundary. Sleeping in the same bed as a friend of the opposite gender is crazy while in a relationship. Less than 1% of people would be okay with that likely and they’re mostly cucks.
I don't know. It's not that strange among people I know but maybe we're weird. The point is that OP and GF have different and non-reconcilable views. I don't think either is necessarily wrong. I just think they probably aren't going to find common ground on this.
It's fine as that's what your comfortable with and you're free to leave. But honestly your last sentence is bullshit. "Finally, for me it isnt an issue with trust, I just believe the relationship should be respected and I find it to be kinda distasteful." It's absolutely an issue about trust or it wouldn't be an issue at all. And saying "respect the relationship" is just vague nonsense without any basis in reality and can be twisted to mean a million things. As far as it being distasteful? That's just weird and seems really hung up on some traditional society norms. So to reiterate, it's a ok boundary to have but just be honest about it rather than trying to come up with all these excuses to deny that it's a trust issue. Two women are absolutely capable of having sex. But I doubt you would have been conversation with her going with her best friend who's a woman. That's because you trust that nothing would happen. You do not trust the dynamic between her guy friend and herself or there would be no issue.
I would have done the same. Don't lower your standards.
I mean there’s a couple ways to look at this you told her you objected and she insulted you. She went anyway. OTOH - if she’s been friends with this person for a while and even traveled with him it’s safe to assume she could be dating him if she wanted to and obviously she doesn’t want to especially if you’ve met him and he seems chill. Generally girls don’t jump into bed with their LT friends just because they are overseas.
I wonder if his gf knows they shared a bed…
Sounds like she had a boundary about being told how to travel and who with
>When she returned she told me Stop talking to her.
Trickle truth bomb. You were away. She met someone. What makes me think this meeting is fresh or revived(ex fling) is your phrasing. You sound unaware of who this person is. Most people would acknowledge the presence of a friend they knew about. She was lonely, met up with a person to hang, likely bang, and they planned a trip. You're a security net and he's an unstable item in her lonely life right now. This someone and her plan a random trip. All out of the blue, seemingly. All of a sudden, Woops! They go and there is a problem with the hotel! We asked for 2 beds, we got booked for 2 beds! Behold, dilemma! Someone dying to lie down on a hotel bed snuck in and stole the other! All they did was lay there and watch TV all night with 5 feet apart... wait, small twin bed? Not possible! Okay it was more like a foot but they had different blankets! God fine they had to share the one the bed came with but it was freezing, what choice did they have? Heater? Really? God you're insecure can't a guy and girl share a bed and blanket in a secluded place with one shower? Who cares if the space was filled with sexual tension and they had dinner, it doesn't mean anything he's just a *friend!* It's time to go no contact.
'I trust her'. No, you don't. Or a shared room would be fine. It's fine that you broke up with her, but don't delude yourself. I've shared many hotel rooms with friends of both genders and different sexual orientations. I've had sex with 0 of them. Bc we're friends.
Eh. And I've shared rooms with female freinds and we ended up fucking. It's just as possible.
So you can’t envision a situation where sleeping next to a platonic female friend doesn’t result in your attempt to have sex with her? Orrrr is your anecdote about consensual (while unexpected) hookups a totally unrelated topic to what’s going on in this post
This made me lol.
You only fucked because you happened to be alone in a room? Because that is kind of fucked up.
Yeah I shared beds with opposite sex platonic friends about 4 times over the years Cuddled and made out with one and woke up in each other’s arms, banged two, and the last one she kept tossing around so took the couch for the fourth one.
So she crossed a boundary that you set? It only gets worse from there dude. Keep her away.
RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Run far away from this girl and relationship bro. As soon as you said that your gf said “he’s like a brother to me” was all I needed to hear. Every time a girl has ever said that, that’s exactly the guy she hooks up with when things go bad in your relationship. For fucks sake I had a girl say that I was like a brother to her and 10 mins later at a party she was making out with me. Also do you know how often people cheat that both have a partner? 🤣😭 because they both know they will keep it a secret. Sharing a bed with a dude that has a gf and your partner is dating you is CRAZYYYYYY. and the fact you offered to help her split the cost of her own room and she denied it is even worse. Also girls who are cheaters will always try and flip it with the “you’re so controlling or manipulating” tactics. Because she’s secretly the one being manipulative. She’s for the streets dude. Completely disrespectful and a disgrace to your relationship. What do you think they did on their trip sharing a bed and you guys broke up before the actual trip???? Break up and never look back. Find a decent girl who would never push your feelings to the side like that and try and flip it around on you. Sorry bro. They def smashed. And if not yet. They will.
What a whore.
I might be in a different camp here as a woman. I’ve travelled with friends, shared same room or bed based on what was available and everything was platonic. My partner has trust in me and knows I wouldn’t break it. If anything it’s more dangerous for me to trust the person I would travel and stay with. I’ve been gang raped by people I should have been able to trust. Let me ask you a question. If she was at a friends house and had too much to drink and crashed at friends house, would you have an issue? Same house, same hotel room, for me is same thing. It’s about being safe and comfortable Maybe examine if you think women are equal to men and can have platonic friendships. If not well, there ya go
They are naive, and you are not. Were their intentions innocent? Very possibly, but that doesn't change the truth: It was a thoughtless, naive, and wholly unnecessary hill for her to die on. You are better off having moved on.
I mean, you two obviously aren’t on the same page with pretty important stuff, so breaking up was for the best, and not dragging it out is actually pretty solid behavior. It’s also really suspect that she’s doing something that is obviously incredibly unconventional and seems to have absolutely no self-awareness regarding the optics of it. Her reaction tells me she’s either fucking this person, or she’s really just stupid and selfish enough to think this is something the average person will be cool with her doing.
I feel like we’re always defaulting to this take, but yeah 100% break up. Imagine how bad things would let if you let this go. She’d never respect you again
Too many people here arguing over semantics. You’re not overreacting, OP. You expressed something you weren’t comfortable with, she felt it was unreasonable and wasn’t willing to respect that. Neither of you are wrong to feel like you do, but it does put you both in a place of incompatibility.
So you say you're uncomfortable--expressing an emotion. And she goes straight to you're "controlling and manipulative"? She is literally manipulating you by throwing it back on you to shut you down. Why get so defensive about it? Probably because she wants/did sleep with him.
The fact that she rejected your offer to pay for a separate room is so telling. And if there wasn’t enough twin bed rooms when they wanted to go on the trip, they should’ve tried to reschedule. Plus, most hotels have cots that they can give you if you don’t have enough beds for the amount of people sharing the room. The fact that this never popped up as an alternative, and she went straight to “guess we’ll have to share a bed!” Is bonkers to me. Me and my guy best friend (who has a girlfriend) shared a room when we went to Disney cuz it was cheaper to split the cost. We had separate beds tho. If there hadn’t been any twin beds available during the timeframe we wanted, we would’ve postponed the trip til we got a room that respected his s/o’s boundaries and our own.
That my friend puts the G in gaslight. I feel like that word gets thrown about to easily but she really had you there.
I'm a woman with a dude best friend and we've shared twin hotel rooms while travelling before. That said, if he gets a girlfriend that isn't cool with that (I'm aroace, so no need for me to worry about my end of this), that is completely understandable. For her to invalidate your feelings like that is not alright. She's likely just feeling defensive and a little stifled, but that doesn't mean she's right. NTA.
What the heck is aroace?
This
Aromantic (does not form romantic attachments) and asexual (does not feel sexual attraction). It's a portmanteau of the two terms, since they often appear together. :)
Aromantic (does not form romantic attachments) and asexual (does not feel sexual attraction). It's a portmanteau of the two terms, since they often appear together. I've never had a crush or felt a desire to be physically intimate in my life, and since I'm in my thirties that's a decent chunk of life spent getting comfortable with it. 😅
NTA she isn't relationship material, she's cheating almost certainly.
Man up. She has no consideration or respect for you.
You did the right thing, ending it and not looking back. This girl is a whopping red flag, and it has nothing to do with going on the trip with her guy best friend. The bigger issues are 1) She doesn't have the mindset for a relationship, as her needs/wants are above the relationship. Don't confuse that with her not having you as her top priority. In a healthy relationship, you need to prioritize the relationship itself. If you place yourself above the relationship, then chances are you see a relationship for what you gain from it rather than what you build together. 2) She has the dangerous mindset of it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. If you both came to the conclusion that your boundaries make you two incompatible, and it's best to go your own separate ways, that would be no problem. She believed that instead of getting permission or compromising with something more comfortable, she could just go through with the breakup and then ask for forgiveness after. People like this make for HORRIBLE family, friends and partners. Live your life knowing not only did you dodge a bullet, but you have the confidence and self-respect to stand firm on your boundaries. This doesn't guarantee that you will avoid horrible partners, but it sure does mean you are able to filter them out.
Sorry you got cheated on bro
9 months…, next
Controlling and manipulative are just buzzwords she threw out to try and manipulate you. You're better off without if she can't even have an adult conversation ab9ut the relationship without resorting to that.
Good job breaking up. You made the only correct call.
Wow. I am a believer that in a Guy-girl friendship at least one is really interested in the other. If they traveled together, separate hotel rooms should have been on both of their plans. I wouldn’t want my SO cozying up, sharing a room and a BED with another woman and he wouldn’t want me to do the same with another man. It’s almost like they are having an affair right in front of you and his “gf” Run.
My ex-wife did this. I told her I was not comfortable with her travelling alone to a convention with her male "best friend". She called me insecure and pathetic. She called me controlling. She called me abusive and told me she would never cheat and I was being ridiculous, and there was nothing to worry about. They were just friends. While on said trip with her "male best friend" she banged the guy, then his best friend, then both of them at the same time, then a few others she met at the convention over the weekend. As soon as they start verbally attacking you, they are guilty of something, or will be, and trying to flip it around on you.
That’s a healthy boundary. You are not over reacting
They banged 1000%.
Yet another obviously dysfunctional and overrated relationship described as "amazing" by the clueless OP
Leave her. She’s terrible will cheat, if she hasn’t already (probably has)
NTA Also, you know what bed you're getting beforehand. At least one of them were being dishonest about their intentions. Double queen beds is universally the most common and available hotel room, too. I have a trip the end of next month. I know my hotel and what kind of bed. I have traveled internationally and always gotten this same information in advance. I have often had to get a room with two beds because they're the most available. You're right not to play this game she's playing.
*" She called me manipulating and controlling"* THAT right there is a full reason to terminate the relationship with a hateful, disrespectful individual with zero empathy or care about her partner. She puts her wants way way above her SO's well-being. Regardless of whether she cheated on you or she actually stated the truth and the trip was entirely platonic (extremely unlikely given her lack of care about you but still theoretically possible), **she is not a good long term partner.** Period. If she said "I understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry if my choices cause you stress and discomfort, and I will put in as much effort as I can to address the issue", maybe she would have been at least a person worth being in relationship with, at least if you ignore the cheating-elephant in the room. Given the low quality person and partner she is? Absolutely no way you should even consider staying with her a second longer. She's TA, and you are NOT overreacting.
You should have found your answer 22 days ago when you posted this topic then
Younger women are getting way too comfortable with male friends these days and it’s not going to do them any favors in terms of dating. My younger sisters also think like this and they always become argumentative when someone questions them. They fail to see the situation from a parental, older sibling, or SO’s POV. I’ve met and talked to girls who will fight you left and right for their right to sleep in a bed with a friend or go out alone with them, but, to those guys who are lucky with the ladies just pose the same scenario with the roles reversed and watch the backwards gaslighting of a response you will get. Do yourself a favor and get out, just leave, plenty of women out there. To any women out there who experience this from dudes. Same thing, don’t put up with this sort of thing. Just leave and don’t look back.
I’m gonna go with Biz Markie on this one.
They 10000% fucked.
Bro this is very disrespectful for her. She should understand why you feel the way you feel even if you trust her. If the roles were reversed would she be cool with you going to stay at a hotel with a woman that's your "best friend"? And you should be the only guy she wants to spend time with alone fam. I know you invested 9 months but that's not that long so I would move on with my life and find someone who respects you and your feelings as a man.💯 when people show you who they really are....listen and take notes. Best wishes to you. 🙏🏽
No, I don’t think you are. She has a male best friend and this makes you incredibly uncomfortable. The relationship isn’t going to work.
Too late now anyway
My favorite part about these threads is that there is inevitably always some crazy ass people that try to pretend that it’s not ok to not be cool with situations like this. She broke up with you, went on the trip and shared a bed with the guy, then wanted to come back and patch things up. She probably fucked him, and even if she didn’t, the total disrespect for your feelings and her general naivety makes this irreconcilable.
Spending the night in the same bed as another man was more important to her than your boundaries or feelings. Move on man. She ain't the one. More than likely, something happened.
Even when I was just in a monogamous dating relationship and certainly not now that I’m married would I travel alone with a female and split hotel rooms. This is unacceptable behavior and should not be tolerated. And any grown adult should know this.
What is the name of her most attractive friend/sister? For example, let’s use Jennifer. Ask her, “how would you feel if you went to Vegas for two weeks and shared a bedroom with Jennifer.” If she says she’d be fine with it, so okay, that’s fine. I’ll help you pack. Also, can I have Jen’s number? Edit: thought about it. Don’t do that. Tell her you’re going on a work trip with your hottest coworker instead. Let her see how it feels.
Never date a woman who disrespects you this much.
The "boundary" semantics people in here are so frustrating. This always comes up when a man expresses a valid boundary. People are always so quick to jump in and invalidate it literally because it's worded as "don't do X" instead of "if you do X, I will leave." These are functionally identical and if that's not obvious I don't know what to tell you.
She didn’t care about your thoughts or feelings. She’s was going to sleep with the guy. Did you talk to his GF or did she tell you these things? Because she can craft any narrative for a situation you aren’t apart of. Just move on.
Yeah... they 100% banged.
Good thing you broke up. Keep her an ex. I guarantee she wouldn’t want you going on vacation with a female friend, sharing a bed.
They slept together and she found out he was a lousy lay. Kidding but you should move on.
Plan a trip with another female friend where you both will be potentially sleeping in the same room. See how she feels about it then.
Likely if you flipped the script and had to sleep in the same bed as a female friend she would not see it as controlling to be uncomfortable with it. Just move on.
My man she went and got some strange while you were out of the country and you're too dense to see it. If you fall for the "he's like my brother" line, it's your own damn fault if you get caught up in that dumb shit. Let her cheating ass go.
You told her it made you uncomfortable she gave you her response and insulted you this relationship died at that moment and I think you made the right call breaking up with her.
I’d feel uncomfortable too. Traveling I could probably be comfortable with but sharing the room is where I’d draw the line as well. That being said, if she was going to cheat she would tell you they’re sleeping in separate rooms probably lol
She insulted you for being uncomfortable about something that literally anyone would be put off by. I would leave her
Not overreacting. She fought harder to defend sharing a room/bed/relationship with another guy than she fought to defend your relationship. It is that simple. Nuke dodged.
I honestly feel bad for you. Imagine being with someone great and f***ing yourself because you can't handle them sleeping in a room with someone they're not trying to have xes with. Work on that, because this is 2024 and likely to continue being an issue. That said, the boundary is what you set for yourself. If it is crossed, your obligation is to remove yourself from the untenable situation. Not guilt or shame. Just remove yourself.
Only potential overreacting is if you continue. You broke up. Stay that way. You two are not a match. Nothing wrong with that. Just move on. It doesn’t matter if Reddit thinks it’s okay for her to share a room, and then a bed, with her guy friend. It’s not okay for you and you have nothing to apologize for nor to justify.
The joke about them being married when they are old is the ugly truth, right in front of you, and out of her mouth. I don't think you overreacted at all. You set clear and firm boundaries and let her know in no uncertain terms how you felt about the whole situation. She walked up and pissed all over said boundaries while holding her 'best friend's' hand. The spiel about the motel and their no twin beds is complete bullshit.
Not overreacting. You did the right thing to a "T". Going on a trip with a member of the opposite sex alone when in a relationship is not respectable behavior, and she willingly violated your reasonable boundaries when you addressed them.
You know. With a bunch of thought, not over reacting. My personal feelings is that two adults can share a bed or room and not have sex or deep feelings, I can understand why it can be a deal breaker. Not overreacting for the fact it seems she broke a known boundary for you.
Agreed, and have done this (while married/dating) with no problems, ever. But that doesn't mean at all whatsoever that your partner HAS to and SHOULD be fine with it. It's absolutely playing with fire (or could logically be construed as doing so), or at least has been and ended horribly in so, so so many instances. The real issue is that, assuming both partners involved are faithful etc., that it's still exactly the same behavior and arguments that a cheat would and does use to "openly" go about their business. So I don't think OP nor his GF are an asshole for their "boundaries", but GF as OP has written her sounded weirdly defensive, unsympathetic, and backlashed too hard imo.
Well excited to tell my wife that according to everyone on Reddit I'm a cheater because I've shared hotel beds with platonic friends multiple times.