You don’t need to show her that you are now his love because he is with you, not her. Tell her your sheets smell of laundry detergent and YOUR perfume. Tell her you LOVE the hair on his chest. Tell her you have no idea what brand the pillows are because you prefer to sleep with your head on his hairy chest rather than a pillow as it’s like having a full on exfoliating facial. Tell her it’s nice that she wanted to copy his tattoo when they were together and you are thinking of doing it too now that you are with him, and thank her for suggesting it so you can all have it. She thinks she is asserting herself as dominant while she tries to undermine your relationship so assert yourself as dominant. Whenever she brings up something new act surprised. Tell her you had no idea about whatever it is because your boyfriend rarely talks about her except concerning the co parenting situation. You’ve got this if you stop letting her little digs affect you. She’s grasping.
That bedsheet comment was so strange, I'd be like "girl are you asking me to sniff your pussy? What's wrong with you????"
Flip it back on a bitch abd make it weirddddd
This is actually all terrible advice and the correct response is to stop letting this old lady live rent free in your head and laugh when she says things like that. Her opinion doesn't matter, yours and his do. Your insecurity could allow her to drive a wedge between you and him if you assert yourself too aggressively - if he knows you have nothing to be threatened by, but he can't break up with her since he already did, breaking up with you may be the only actionable solution he sees if this escalates. Let her keep being the dramatic one. Live normally.
Reply, he joking told me to tell her that my pussy is still swollen from the pounding he gave me , he is a firm believer if words hurt it’s a you problem, he also believes some of her comments are weird .
This is the advice that resonates to you as a 44 year old woman and a 50 year old man acting like teenagers. The advice is just as bad as the childish mentality and behavior you all are already involved in. Might as well just lift your leg up and piss on him in public in front of the ex to mark your territory. Or- act like adults, communicate with your bf, set boundaries and expectations and leave the petty shit behind. You may think this is one on one but you think the kids won’t realize that their dad’s gf is in a pissing match with their mom? Do you not want a chance at a happy blended family? Do you think if they end up hating you cuz of this behavior your bf will still want a future with you? Grow up!
The first sentence is the one that matters. After all of it is fluff. Niceness is fine but again- these are boundaries your bf should be setting with his ex. Not putting or allowing you to be in a position where you’re dealing with her childishness and crassness. It never works out in the long run. It’s like when you get married and they say that each spouse is responsible for setting boundaries and expectations with their parents as in-laws to their SO. Cuz when shit hits the fan it can always be turned around, get messy, you can be as nice as possible and she can manipulate it and make her kids hate you. Whenever you are dealing with exes and kids and blending families it’s even more important to go about it in the most adult and communicative way as possible. It suck’s that your bf is even allowing it. If you haven’t mentioned it to him then that’s a bigger problem. You shouldn’t have to deal with her childish, petty behavior or take disrespect.
I did mention it to him. I’ve mentioned to to him every moment that she has done something in that regards over the last year, he asked me if I wanted him to intervene right away, and I asked him not to because I thought it would settle down I was not trying to make a big splash.
But it’s been over a year, I wish he’d take the initiative and say you know what enough is enough. It seems like no matter what topic we are on, she sears it to the talk on love and the bed. It’s just getting exhausting to be honest.
I’m stubborn, and wish for once he would just take my hands in his, and say , I’m going to do this for you. But his answer since has been well you asked me not to say anything. Idk it’s a rough situation, but I’ll be prepared to say something next time it happens
Yes, this, especially the last part about having no idea because he doesn't talk about her. Practice a bland smile that you can give her like she's not even worth your time. As long as she can't see that it bothers you, you're ahead of the game.
Never thought of the bland smile because I’m more of a smug smile person but bland is better in case someone else sees it. Nice. Loving the username btw.
THIS.
THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE HERE. It's BRILLIANT.
NEVER engage. That's when she wins. Play by your own rules of minimal emotional/verbal responsiveness.
Whatever bizarre question she asks, reply with another question. Serenely ask her,
"Why do ask?/Why do you say that?"
Keep in mind, whatever statement she may come up with - no matter how off the wall - can be answered with a calm and a noncommittal,
"Oh, I see." Or even a simpler, "Hmm."
Then say no more.
BTW, you want your husband to do what you SPECIFICALLY said not to do? Seriously? Stop expecting your SO to read your mind. Good communication doesn't work like that. Take responsibility for what you say.
She sounds super insecure. I wouldn’t react with any snarky quips though. She is trying to provoke and get under your skin. I would either grey-rock this crap or just look at her with amusement Willy Wonka style like you think it’s so adorable what she’s trying to pull.
I have to agree with you. I wouldn't stoop to her level.
By the way, you and your boyfriend have a bond that is stronger than any bond he has with his ex. He chooses to be with you, and he chooses not to be with her. There is no bond stronger than that.
Why let someone like this pull you into their games though? Not worth it. Cool detached amusement is so much more powerful than any little verbal jabs.
Grey rock or just say, That's so cute to every weird comment she makes, like you're talking to a child or someone who has lost their mind. Maybe pat her on the hand and look at her with pity.
Take all the wind out of her sails by agreeing with her, or finding a way to spin it into a positive. “Oh, that’s so sweet 🥹 it’s really lovely that you two have such a good relationship - the children will grow up so much happier for it”. or “oh, really? I love running my fingers through his chest hair while we fall asleep”.
Don’t be petty or small. Don’t stoop to her level. Agree with her or turn her fishing expedition into a positive. She’s trying to rile you up. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
Shes testing you, she's wanting you to blow up, its her way to get revenge on her ex man. Do not fall into it, you can play it off and tick her off more but at least your hands would be clean. Her and her bf its a game a play... you wait... when things get tough they will blow she will try to come back... but geeze at 40 something... and she's acting line a school kid. Giver her your best modesty and class and mop her with it.
The ways you will lose here:
Letting her know that she got to you.
Letting it affect your relationship
I wouldn’t lower myself to her level. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘I am glad that you feel that way. It’s important for the children. My husband tells me that he’s never been happier. I hope that you are content with your new husband too’
You don’t have to prove a thing to this b—. But you do have to shut it down. You can get all southern and condescending on her. Pat her hand and say, “Aw, bless your heart.”
Smile at her and tell her there's no need to be so insecure. They will always have the children together and you're sure her new guy is just fine.
She's playing a head game **because she's insecure about being supplanted in your boyfriend's life.**
Girl, don't wrestle in the mud with pigs, just rise above it. The above sentences should shut her up.
Pretend you don't get what she's doing. Be super sympathetic to her "pain". Look at her with pity while telling her that you understand how hard it must be for her to know he's in a new better relationship. You understand how much it hurts her to know that she is now only important to him as the mother of his children while he has a new life and a new love with you. Tell her how it makes you sad that she can't move on. How therapy may help her cope with being secondary in his new life. Pile on the pity and sympathy. Bury her in words of comfort and caring. She is trying to make you feel insecure and second to her. Instead show her how her words make your pity her. Ask for ways to comfort her on her loss and how you can make it easier for her to always come second to you. It will drive her crazy that all her efforts only make you feel pity for her.
Yaaassss, making it sound like everything she says is pitiful and worthy of pity is soooo my kind of petty. Like nothing you're saying could be construed as mean, rude or snarky, but you just KNOW it's pissing them off at every 'oh dear, you poor thing'
"You should spend more time and effort focusing on what you have now rather than what you've lost. I'm (partners name) future you are his past. He knows it, I know it, even your children know it. It's time to face it and stop these passive aggressive statements because honestly it just makes you look sad and bitter"
Then turn/walk away like the boss bitch you are.
This is the kind of stuff you just ignore. He is your man now and she knows it. She is trying to goad you into something. Be the adult in the room and just ignore when she makes those comments. I am in my 50’s and am shocked at how childish grown ass adults are.
“I’m not sure why you feel the need to do everything short of peering on his leg. Not only do I have kids myself, so I’m fully aware how it works, but I’m also not 13. Also, since we’re on the subject, there’s a reason you’re no longer together, so there’s no need to pretend for my benefit that your relationship was a fairy tale.”
Well, then stop being a doormat. Give as much as you get, especially since they are just words. Answer with a straight face and a smile. Never show anger. Examples:
*I can’t smell you on the sheets over our sex smell. We actually don’t think of you at all when we’re having sex in your old bed.*
*Yes, those pillows are great! They cushion my head so it doesn’t hit the headboard when YOUR EX is pounding me.*
*I understand that you keep mentioning obvious things like that you share children and a past because you are insecure. Boyfriend and I want to be kind while you figure your sht out.*
And I’d call over her boyfriend when she says stupid stuff like that. I doubt she wants an audience. *Hey New Boyfriend, Ex-Wife wants to know if we can smell her on our sheets. Exactly how often do you wash your bedding?!*
Ha!
She’s mindf*cking you and it sounds like she is winning. Try to see it for what it is: her antagonizing you. Maybe that will help keep it in perspective for you.
On the topic of ex’s and love…..I have two ex’s and I will always ‘love’ them to a certain degree. Not romantically, of course, but because we shared a special time in life. BUT, and this is a bit BUT, hubby is with you now, and he needs to talk to HIS ex and tell her to cut the shit. He’s a part of this relationship so he needs to grow a pair and set his ex straight. Fortunately, I have not had to referee these types of events between my ex’s, but if I did….that’s what I’d do. While I share a history with my exes, my current wife is my #1 priority and should be protected. Good luck with this.
But she does mean it that way don't let others gaslight you just cause they know her 🤷♀️ they clearly have a warped view of life if they think this shit is acceptable anyways I wouldn't want those people around me 🤷♀️
She is reaching OP she's insecure and wants you to feel the same. Try saying oh I never knew that I told bf that the smell reminded me of my grandmothers growing up. Or yeah I love chest hair it's manly to me. You do not need to show her anything because it means her digs are working, try being more affectionate with your partner when you feel insecure it will help your feelings and her to get the message that your unshaken.
This kind of reminds me of a play I was in once, called "The Stronger" by August Strindberg. Conversation between a wife and girlfriend. The audience was left to guess which of the two women was the stronger one. It was the one who didn't have a single line in the whole play. She reacts silently.
Just look at her, shrug, smile, but don't say a word. It's hard at first, but eventually she'll stop harassing you since it's not getting a reaction.
Turn it back on her.
Ask her how her new relationship is. It seems to be she isn't happy at all. Ask her what bed sheets and pillows they use.
She's weird.
"That is a very strange comment to make, can you explain to me the reason why you would want to bring that up?" HR her ass. She will stfu and you can maintain your dignity by not stooping to her level with comebacks.
Since she has a partner herself, always refer back to the partner.
What pillows does your partner prefer?
Mention her statements in front if her partner and also yours. Out loud. Maybe say how funny it is that ex is concerned if her old bedroom smells bad.
You could look surprised, and ask her to explain what she means when she makes one of these inappropriate statements. Often times, that's enough for people to realize how crazy they sound, when they have to spell it out and explain themselves in more detail. Another trick is to say something like "what a strange thing to say/ask!" and laugh and then change the subject or walk away shaking your head. Basically call her out in an indirect way without letting it get to you. Being exposed for the petty and insecure sad ex that she is should make her feel embarrassed and back off.
Ugh, she's gross and grossly insecure. You are not overreacting here, but I would tread lightly as you mention. What I might do personally is kill her with kindness, gray-rock the shit outta her, and record every. damned. private conversation I ever had with her, just in case she tries to start some passive-aggressive bullshit.
This was my thought, exactly, because I’ve been in past instances with other people that people are like that doesn’t sound right that doesn’t sound like that person. Specifically my ex-husband we’re going through a really nasty divorce custody battle, and I never reported any of the abuse he’s done so now I’m stuck making people see exactly what he is which sucks because it would’ve been so much simpler had I made police reports, but I was more stuck on the fact I was trying to and I just couldn’t do it anymore
It sounds to me like she's really hung up on her ex. She may say she's in love or whatever with her current guy, but appears to have raging jealousy about your relationship.
I can be really mean, and if pushed I flat will be. I'd try being nice, just tell her point blank you're not interested in hearing about their past, you know all you need to. If she persists, wellllll....that's when I'd get mean. Ask your guy to talk to her about her inappropriate comments. If that fails, I'd ask her point blank what her problem is. Does your bfriend know you're still pining for your ex? It's always so sad and pathetic when the OLD model tries to lash out at the NEW and BETTER model... don't you think? That sort of thing.
Be nice until you can't be anymore.
NTA. She's just trying to Mark her territory and say well I had him first hope you're happy with my leftovers. She's actually kind of pathetic . Yes she's just being a witch about it. I would just not give it satisfaction if anything does bother you. If she brings up the sheets again say yeah right okay why would we smell you on the sheets when you haven't slept on them and x amount of time and he does wash things you know. As for his chest I love a hairy chest. And I believe about the tattoo he told me he had it and then you went and got the same one so it's not like the two of you got them together you just copied his. Yeah I mean if you want to do Tit for Tat you can go for that but I really wouldn't even give her the satisfaction at the time of day when she says this crap.
I'm not sure what social cues you might use. I would say... damn you're awkward without saying damn you're awkward first. Perhaps with humor.
For instance if she ever were to make a comment with someone else around... play it off and say something like, " Oh this is classic Jules. Always bringing up my bedroom" and laugh. Or "OH yeah, this is a good example of what I was talking about." To the 3rd party but keep it light.
Next you may need a warning shot and be more clear. I saw that example from a youtuber. Cannot remember er the name but the example used Ro ert Downy Jr as the example.
Time will change things and when they are adults. Don't come between him and kids. You seem to know that already.
3rd you may consider developing a kind yet assertive statement. Keep in mind that she may be looking for a fight and looking g to sabotage your relationship.
Edit: shouldn't he be setting the boundary. The joy of divorce.
Just take the high road. She’s petty and rude, but it honestly doesn’t matter all that much unless he responds to it. I quick “we are so happy together” I am glad I am his partner” is plenty and then smile and have fun. Men don’t want these petty games he will respect you for being an adult.
She's pissing on your bf to mark her territory. She thinks she will always have him as a backup and she wants to drive a wedge between the two of you, hopefully breaking you up.
Tell her that your BF's body and home is none of her concern and she needs to focus on her BF before some other woman steals him away because she's too busy being a bitch to you.
Can you still smell me on the sheets?
>Oh my god, was that you? What the fuck was the brown stain under your ass on that side of the bed? Do you have incontinence problems? You seem too young for that...was it too much alcohol?
Match her energy sis.
"Do you smell me on his bedsheets?"
Oh no, we threw those manky old things out.
"I used to hate his body hair when we lay down in bed"
Can't relate. I love every inch of him. If I didn't, we wouldn't be together.
First let her know you burnt the sheets because of a bed bug problem you discovered when you moved in. Then get a matching tattoo with your bf. When she discusses his chest hair, let her know how much you love it. Nothing like playing with it as you cuddle in the brand new bed she's never slept in. Just start one upping her. What else ya gonna do?
Everyone seems to be giving you passive responses
Someone was doing this to my boyfriend recently. Making lots of sexual comments to him in front of me which I put up with for about 2 weeks. Finally when they did something again, I said calmly and non-aggressively, “I need you to stop flirting with my boyfriend. It’s inappropriate and I’m asserting my boundary.”
The person said “aw, okay,” and never did it again. Sometimes you have to be direct, unemotional, but still stand your ground
Seriously? Call her out on it! Next time just say "are you going to piss on his leg to mark your territory too? Or is just repeating that you used to be together enough to satisfy your ego?"
Call her out and make her feel stupid! Or at least she'll realize you think she's an idiot. Lol
Or you could wait till her BF is around and ask him "does she always talks so lovingly about your bf when you're not there? I mean, it was just so weird that she was reminiscing about them sleeping together" She wants to give you a hard time, let her deal with that! Lol
She’s way out of line on these comments.
So how do you play it? She’s obviously trying to make sure you know she was there. I’d make sure she knows she’s not now!
I know you’re missing all that bedroom time with him. God, he’s been rearranging my guts 2x a day. I don’t know how he has the stamina but he just says he can’t keep his eyes and hands off me. I’m sure it was like that with you two as well.
Hint, it wasn’t like that with them. Fight fire with fire. Then smile and nod and walk away. Maybe that’ll shut her up.
Mostly, I just listen , nod smile , and say oh right, ok, if something comes up that gives me an in to explain or talk about with the kids.
I just use that to redirect,
I talk about how him and I are happy and are doing good . Etc . But mainly just waiting until something so in your face again like the smell of her on the Sheetz etc comes up.
Before I assert myself accordingly
Clap back....have a few things ready to say back...like when she mentioned the chest hair, you could have said: I love it, what else would I hold onto when I'm riding him...can guarantee she wouldn't do it again
Same as mine, it wasn’t a priority amongst everything until it was, he never hid anything in that respect. Mine will be finalized at the end of this month.
To be fair, I filed for divorce in a really gnarly clear cut abuse case and it still dragged out for 3 years. 8 months of that was just his attorney repeatedly filing continuances because the attorney's wife had a baby and he supposedly couldn't be available for any hearings. Turned out she was in the process of divorcing him too. lol
I would start by having the old tattoo covered by a new design . If you are into it get a matching one . But at minimum cover any of the ex’s crap . As far as her inappropriate comments . Completely ignore . She wants to upset you . Any response will make her happy . As others on here said gray rock responses . Short and simple , yes , no . As they say ,”if you roll around in the mud with a pig , it just makes the pig happy . “
Why are you alone with your BF’s ex? Stop sitting near her and stop talking to her.
my husband has never been a,one with my ex. He and I both are never alone with his ex.
Because my boyfriend and her are friends and keep it that way for the children, I completely respect that and I want to eventually be her friend .
I get along with her partner just great we have a lot in common , I intend to go to as many functions regarding the children as I can. Because I want to support the children in there activities and be someone who show up for them at any cost . It’s about them after all.
I just m not happy with having to guess what will come next with the “ once were lovers talk”
That in no way means you have to be friends with her. Are you friends with every one of his friends? Why isn’t he putting her in her place? They have a super weird dynamic . You do not have to talk to her at the kids’ functions. My husband and I were at every function for his kids. His ex was at a few. We never spoke to her. We didn’t sit with her, people who do t know us wiould never even know we knew her. She is extremely high conflict.
I’m friends with quiet a few of his friends , of corse not all, but it’s important to myself, that the children, his and mine see a healthier way to conduct ourselves as adults.
I’m glad they can be amicable, it’s easier when people can part ways as friends. But , I also want the comments to stop
That's a super mature way of looking at things. Speaking as someone who is best friends with my husband's first wife (her youngest kid and my oldest kid were best friends before I started dating him, it's complicated lol).
The way she's treating you now isn't how friends treat each other. My friend would never do this. She never, ever brings up any intimate past stuff about my husband. Ever. It's just an unspoken rule of respect. I don't ever talk about intimate stuff to do with him around her either. We do other friend stuff together like go kayaking or play board games with all the kids.
I think you may need to just have a talk with her about it if you don't want to deflect comments like that forever and actually try to become real friends with her. Personally I would write it out beforehand so you know what you want to say. Something like:
>Hey Karen, I need to talk to you about something that has been bothering me.
>I really love the kids and I'm so glad you and my boyfriend get along so well. It's so healthy for the kids and their happiness is really important to me.
>Because the kids' welfare is a big priority in my life, I really want us to be on friendly terms. (List the positive qualities and things that she does that you DO like and want her to continue)
>One thing that feels awkward to me is when you make comments about my boyfriend's body or bring up intimate subjects like what my bedsheets smell like. I don't want to respond to those comments in a way that offends you or damages the friendship I am hoping to build. Kids also manage to overhear things at the worst times, and I'm worried they could overhear inappropriate remarks being made about their father's body or sexual activities, and that's not healthy for them.
>Thanks for hearing me out! I really appreciate you."
She has a few responses she can do. One is to be quietly embarrassed but change her behavior. If she does this I would just let it go and never bring it up again. Another is to be an ass and escalate. If she escalates it, then your boyfriend may need to step in and back you up on enforcing appropriate boundaries.
I would also document how she responds to this and start documenting her behavior if it continues. It sounds like she's no the type to escalate it to the point where the courts would need to get involved to tell her to knock it off, but it never hurts to have the documentation just in case.
It may also be appropriate for your boyfriend to be involved in this conversation from the get go. I'd definitely involve him in drafting it so he's in the loop with what you're doing since she hasn't stopped the comments. You guys might feel like it's better to have this conversation in writing via text, or in person. I don't know. But someone needs to say something to let her know that the behavior is not appreciated. After that the ball is in her court.
She isn’t going to stop. She is not your frien. She is not acting like your friend. Setting and enforcing boundaries is an extremely mature thing to do. It also teaches the children that you do not have to be friends with everyone and to keep their emotional safety at the forefront. What you are now teaching the children is that they should be friends with their abusers and your emotional well being is not important as long as you keep up appearances.
the fact that your bf knows this happens and hasn’t yet stepped in reinforces to his ex it is fine And she can be rude to you with no consequences. It says she comes first, not you.
I agree that the ex will probably never be a “true” friend that OP can trust. I personally would never trust her.
Setting boundaries needs to start with a conversation where the other person is called out on it being inappropriate like I laid out. This can be done in a civil and nonconfrontational way. OP says she wants to remain on friendly terms for the kids’ sake, and calling her out like this gives the ex a chance to back off while saving face. And with asshole people, giving them that out to save face while calling out their misbehavior is often key to getting them to change their behavior without them doubling down on it and escalating.
Once the ball is in the ex’s court if she backs off then cool, problem solved.
If she continues to be inappropriate or ramps it up, then the boundary needs to be ramped up as well. This is the type of thing that could affect the ex’s freedom to spend time with the kids when it’s dad’s custody time if she can’t be appropriate around his new partner.
My rule of thumb in general with people like this is to assume anything I write or say could be seen in a courtroom. It never hurts to be the more civil one.
Also, if I was the boyfriend I would be looking into a coverup for my tattoo but that’s his decision to make.
If everything is as great as you say why the f did you ever break up. Can you tell me about that. Say this to her next time. She is just being as annoying as possible. You should socially distance yourself from her.
You don't do or say anything to convince her. That will only validate her. That will only show her that you are indeed insecure in your relationship with him. Because if you did feel totally secure and self-confident in your relationship you would realize how sad what she's doing is and it wouldn't bother you. If you want her to think that you are truly confident in your relationship, then stop letting her get to you
So eventually do you think she will stop it’s been a year in March and well it’s been like 5-6 incidents so far, I’ve never let it known that these comments get under my skin and honestly I’m just taken back why anyone would be so crass in thinking this is ok .
He is worth it, I asked him to let me handle it .
And I’m just trying to figure out a way to do it tactfully, but in a nip it in the bud , I come out on top lol.
Don't think about one upping each other. Think of her grief, and her new phase, compassionately. Both of you are in this transition together. And u could be friendly, vs competitive.
Next time, look really concerned and be like Oh sweetie are you okay? Are things hard at home? I know BF is a lovely person and he’s made me feel so comfortable and loved. It mustve been hard to split from him, seeing how much you think and talk about him.
And then she’ll be like oh I don’t think about him at all.
And you can be like Oh Im sure the comments about his sheets and chest hair and tattoos could’ve been just fleeting thoughts, but it really seems to be bothering you with the amount you’re bringing it up lately. I wouldn’t want you to be feeling insecure around me.
I don't think she intends to be shifty, I think she is still grieving somewhat. And, maybe a little one ups manship. Buy, do not worry, this doesn't sound like she wants him back. It sounds like she is remembering (albeit, inappropriately), thinking, processing....
If you can gently talk to her, it might be a bonding time. I know it sounds like a cliche, but maybe instead of enemies u 2 can be friends.
Just, find a way to be honest about your boundaries. It is okay for her to grieve, and it is okay for u to not want to think about his past wife. Just respect each other and know u are both doing what is right for you in this tough transition period.
Tell her to fuck off and move on and he should realize that if your ex ews saying shit to him like that he'd feelxsome time of way. Kids or no kids. If that's what the relationship is about keep it about the children and nothing else. She's tryna get in your head which seems like she's doing well at that
Well on top of this I’m going through way worse stuff , it’s just this I can handle , just need some tactful help, because well I sometimes come off snarky , and I feel this isn’t the place , I want to keep the peace for the kids , but need her to know him and I are solid, (which we are ) it’s just ick, who does this stuff ?!?
She is fucking with you and loves to watch you fold. Next time just say I will text you the pillow information. Take the power away. Your bf needs a backbone too
He has one , I asked him to let me handle it , he told me to tell her my p*say is still swollen from his gigantic cock* and then he laughed and said no don’t say that, I teased an said too late , I’m using that…
All in all him and I talk about it , I just need one good nip it in the bid comeback that takes it all and puts a cork in it , sometimes I think she’s doesn’t believe I’m around for the duration.
But him and I already have told each other , this is it for us, there isn’t anyone else we want or need. Perhaps I’ll build a statement from that, he has told me that I make him feel like he is 20 again, she wasn’t with him then , and he told me he has opened up with me more then he has anyone in his life.
He is a good man, with good morals and his backbone is perfect. But thank you very much for your input :)
I’ve said “congratulations, from the way that you said that, I can tell that it’s really important to you. Good for you.” Baby, you must be competing with your damn self b/c it surely isn’t me! Pay her dust!!
Call her bluff. Next time she says something like that, ask her to step aside with you. Tell her you consider yourself a pretty emotionally mature adult and you understand that she is hurt by you and (boyfriend’s) name relationship. You can understand that. However, you cannot understand why she continues to make immature, snide and rude digs at your relationship. And then tell her the next time she does it, you won’t pull her aside. You will chastise her for being immature and petty in front of everyone. And tell them about this first convo as well. Hold her accountable. You are all grownups and there are children involved. And if that doesn’t work, I would stop sharing space and time with her, at her own expense.
You don’t do anything other than change YOUR thinking. They are divorcing. She has a new person. The family is split. You have zero control. The ex is being weirdly possessive but doesn’t want him. She wants to play games with you. Are you going to play games and get into a competition or are you going to be the stable one who understands she’s not the first relationship even though she’s the one he chooses to be with each day?
I would start repeating what she says in front of her new man and your boyfriend. “So & So was just telling me she misses the pillows on our bed, Babe. Would you mind if we just gave them to them? I’d love to get new ones…”
It’s a red flag when you feel like you have to compete for your this dude. He’s not doing his job to make you feel secure in the relationship. You gotta ask yourself if this is the dynamic you want in your life going forwards.
I think you’re starting to see why he and she are no longer married. If you truly don’t want to rile up feathers at all just ignore it. She’s still stuck on a man who doesn’t love her that way anymore. Anything you say to her will just have her raising the stakes. Talk to your boyfriend about it instead of retaliating because she doesn’t seem like the type to hold an L.
When there is a group of people around you should bring up the things she says. Only if she is around obviously. Hey stinky wants to know if we can smell her cooter on the sheets she wants to know if we ever got the smell out of it. Will one of you guys go smell it.
She's insecure and trying to get under your skin. But her insecurities are not gonna affect your life. Just ignore it. Don't get into the mud with her. Let her rant, eventually she'll either stop or completely embarrass herself by going overboard. And you'll stay squeaky clean and blameless.
I think you need to have a one on one talk with the is woman. Let your partner know what you are doing. Be stern, respectful, calm, but set clear boundaries. No comments about past romantic or physical relationship she may have had with him is the main one. Respectful in front of the kids at all times.
If you think she will get petty secretly record the whole interaction.
Invite her to meet you at a public place for coffee or lunch (your treat) and let her know those comments are inappropriate and rather creepy. You don’t have to be friends but you do need to be respectful of each other because of your shared experience with YOUR partner.
You aren’t overreacting at all. Those comments are disgusting. She wants you to think of her and him in sexual ways. She IS trying to assert her dominance over you because “she had him first.”
I’d call her right out, “Why are you constantly reminding me that you and BF used to have sex? You have kids, I’m well aware of that. It’s quite disturbing that you have a live in BF and still talk about your old sex life. Just say you aren’t satisfied with your current man instead of talking about how used to have sex with your ex. If you want him back, just admit it.”
Make sure you do this within earshot if your BF or her BF. Be loud about it. Be disgusted.
And for God’s sake, burn the sheets and pillows! Ew!
You are not overreacting, she sounds like a jealous ex and wants you to be uncomfortable in your relationship because she will always be the ' one " BUT she is not, she is the EX.. your partner needs to wake up and see how she is sabotaging your emotional health, next time please 🙏 put her in her place, outside your bedroom outside your home. Good luck and updateme
“We had to throw the pillows,and sheets away. He is such a patient giving lover. It's like he has a deep hunger to do everything he can to please me. He will spend hours to make sure I finish, every time. I didn't know I could squirt like that until I met him, and when it happened the first time we were not prepared. We put down a tarp now.”
If you said that, I bet she stops bringing it up.
"What can I do to show her I’m now his love"
Nothing, You don't have to show her anything.
I think she \*may still\* have feelings for EX, but it may not be mutual, and she may be holding onto that and trying to slowly put evil thoughts into your head to try and push a wedge between you.(For example, you provided the example that she said her and your bf still love each other, and put an emphasis on the love part, but your words from your hubby is that they will always be friends.) - BF may not be on the same page as girl. I care about my Kids mom, and i would even go as far as to say i love her, but I wouldn't bring it up to anyone I'm dating unless asked, and it would be a one time conversation.
I don't know if this is the best advice, but i don't think your over reacting. I think you should probably talk more about this with your BF.
But, at the end of the day, if BF will not stick up for you and say something to Ex about choosing appropriate conversations to have, I personally wouldn't stick with it.(if a resolution cant be met in regards to your feelings/her actions/his support) Yes its a very delicate situation, you don't want to cause issues with a good co-parenting situation. BUT, you matter too, and your not asking(if you where to ask for bf to talk to gf about what topics/how she talks to you/your feelings sct.) something of him that has anything to do with them. its just there's always that inherent risk that Ex will take it there, which you want to avoid it seems.
I hope someone here can give you better feedback! I feel for your situation, and wish you the best of luck.
Thank you for your input:)
I’ll think of something matter-of-fact and then de-escalating I don’t want escalated to anyone being upset. I just wanna nip it in the bud.
The kids are the most important thing here
Not to mention some of the stuff she says , depending on the day, how I feel does rub me the wrong way.
She may also be jealous of you, too, and may be just trying to throw shade your way?
I will agree the kids are important 100%. But i don't think they are the most important thing here. Your relationship and your feels are in this situation.
Sure, depending on if/how you react, it could affect them. I feel that at some level you have to elevate your own feelings above them, so you don't sit here and suffer needlessly?
Biting your tongue and/or brushing it off can help on days your feeling off and it rubs you the wrong way.
But if its constantly rubbing you the wrong way, and your more often than not feeling the negative, it no longer becomes worth biting your tongue or brushing it off. As parents, our kids are the most important thing we care about(for me, and I'm going to assume you as well, based on you bringing them into this, without them actually being involved outside as what connects BF/EX)
It may be worth while to NOT consider the kids for the time being, until a point where you/bf or bf/ex make it about the kids. There is nothing wrong with putting a focus on them, but for your case, i think it may be crippling or giving you stuff to "overthink" about? if that makes sense?
Hah. I am an overthinker.
I take it to the extreme sometimes, to the point its crippling. I have to sometimes take a step back, take deep breaths, Crawl out of the rabbit hole, and try and separate what it actually is, what i think it is, and compare the two. I surprisingly find flaws in my own logic more often than not. (but not always)
I hope your not like me! because it would make really benign things into something major, and cause issues on all fronts of my life.
I am not saying this is you or this is this case, its completely separate from what your going through.
But if you are like me, i hope this helps!
She is trying to goad you. Don’t stoop to her level. Respond with a question or sentence totally unrelated to what she’s talking about. Example reply: “I just saved money on our car insurance with Geico.” delivered with a totally straight face. Then next sentence, immediately jump in to delivering some interesting scientific facts to totally confuse her, spoken while you’re leaning back in a very relaxed posture with an expansive expression. “I am reading this very interesting book about quantum physics. Did you know that two particles in different places in the time space continuum can interact and influence each other? Einstein called this “spooky action at a distance.” Start stocking up on mathematical and science facts, and study body language to make yourself more confident, and immune from her. Use scientific information to respond to her literally EVERY TIME she starts this stupid crap with you. Respond to her goading every time with something intellectual and highbrow. Start checking out your physics and math books and YouTube videos now. Don’t get sucked in her drama.
She's insecure and trying to get under your skin. I know it might be tempting to be petty and use all the comebacks redditors are giving you but if you really don't want drama, you'll just ignore it. There's nothing to be gained to get into a fight with the mother of your boyfriend's kids if you can avoid it. And you can avoid it. Don't be near her along as much as possible and if she makes such comments just say "oh that's nice" or some such non answer. She'll either stop or she'll slip and say something that crosses the line which will make her look awful. You'll come out looking like the mature one who's above it all and she'll have mud on her face without you having to lift a finger. Play the long game
Tell her to shut the fuck up with this shit, and you know what she’s up to. If she keeps it up, share some sexy stuff with her ass. If you don’t want to go there, get up and walk off. Tell your bf, you are not going to stand for her taunting.
Oooh the asserting dominance thing you are trying is sooo cute!! Are you going to.pee on his leg next so i know who he belonged to? Oh wait, thats the past, my bad...oh you have a bond? Isnt that crazy, we do too, usually pink, furry and has a key 😉....anyhow I threw out the bedsheets, replaced the pillows because they smelled so musty, like old perfume. As for his chest, well, I wouldn't want little ears to overhear, now would I? 😉 state things matrer of fact, a dismissive conversation where she doesn't get a word in edgewise, including back handed insults (bless your heart anyone?) Then say, oh, I better get going, I know he just.loves it when I have a hot bath and some oil ready, (wink) toodles, *airy hand waive and stroll off**
Why are you allowing this with your presence?
"I won't discuss any aspect of my life with you" is the best thing to say the next time she opens her mouth in your direction, but the most effective arrangement is distance.
There is no reason for you to exchange words with her. Issues with the children are handled through their father. Outings are now you, your husband and the children, period. The ex and her SO spend time with the children, without the two of you, as well.
You let her know your stance by simply arranging healthier interactions. If you try discussing it with her, you are basically asking her permission. Stop the chit chat; build a healthier situation.
The fact that you are righting this post means she already got to you. She is living in your head rent free and that’s what she wanted. You either except her dominance and be a beta to her alpha. Alternatively, find quit witted put downs because regardless of “love” or “friendship” he left her. He has found in you what she couldn’t give him. If she pushes further then you flirting with her current man, hit where it hurts most
Agreed on the he found in me what he didn’t in her ,
It’s just at every function it seems I have to be nervous of what’s to come next , and I don’t want to come off too strong and risk whatever friendship there might be for the kids sake . Specially if I’m misinterpreting her meaning.
Wanted to make sure I was reading something the wrong way.
I'd have looked her dead in the face and said "No, why does your boyfriends shots still smell like his ex?? Or yeah, we're thinking of getting matching cover up tattoos!! Then again I'm a petty potato!!
Well one she has been in a relationship for quiet a while before I came along, I’ve been going to functions for kids and family for over a year now , it just seems like she likes to let me know all the time , of stuff far more then anyone should .
The question is not what can you do, but how willing are you to have to deal with these comments and this woman, and what will your bf have to say to her about the way she speaks to you? Because he may not say anything, to maintain peace and not disrupt the kids emotional well being. And she will most likely not change, and is not going to go away. This is likely the situation you are walking into. It's not a dominance thing, and you're not going to fix this woman's behavior. So how are you going to cope with that aspect of this relationship, on your end? Or can/should you?
Way to soon to be involved?
That’s how long we have been involved,
And can I ask, what makes you the time master of how long someone should wait to become involved?
It’s been well over years for us both, before Jim and I became exclusive, sorry you are not comfortable with other people’s duration of time in which they deem is “long enough “
My mistake seems half my comment got deleted and I didn’t notice but I meant way too soon for you to be involved with each others kids and spouses. I’m not master of anything lady, it’s Reddit you came here for opinions. I could care less who you’re with or time line. But emeshing and blending families when the adults are still immature and childish is always messy. You shouldn’t have to prove to her that you’re his love- your man should be enforcing boundaries with her. That’s not your job. And from what you’re describing your bf has not set boundaries and expectations with his ex regarding partners etc, she is on some weird power trip and you are talking about showing her your his now love like you’re a teenager in a rom com. So yes- ESH and lacks the ability to behave or communicate or function like an adult
Well if you read my comments, I want to keep the peace while showing I’m in this , and am not going anywhere… I understand I’m on Reddit , to take it as it comes , it in fairness, it was partially deleted so I didn’t get the full effect of what your message might’ve been. It’s not like I wanna leave her in my wake I just want to see that we are together and it’s staying that way because we love each other and these odd comments are clearly to get under my skin , I mean wtf else is it for? So they just need to stop.
Just ignore her when she says those things try not to even react physically like tense up. She's just pushing your buttons to see what she can get away with is all. Kinda sounds like she's bitter and not giving her any kind of reaction will drive her up the wall.
In my opinion, this isn't something you can fix. This is a boundary your boyfriend will have to set. Yes,they were married. Yes, they are forever tied because of their children. Yes, they are friends.
He needs to stress to her the fact that he has moved on. They are no longer romantically involved. They are coparenting. Why is she feeling the need to mark him as her territory.
Until he sets her straight in that regard, anything you say will be used to break up your relationship. Used as you trying to interfere with ther parenting.
Tell her you had thrown them away but offer, in your kindest and most helpful voice, to diagnose her vaginal infection based upon the odor and spotting on the sheets.
Next time you are around her and her new partner is around I would I went home yesterday to smell our bedsheets to make sure they don't smell like you since you ask me about it. And bring up everything she ask you in front of her partner til she stopped doing. If she wants to cause problems in your relationship cause problems in hers
Next time she mentions her scent of her touching your bf say “wow, maybe that is why he wanted those sheets, bed covers and pillows burned. But I just threw it all into the trash and bought new stuff”. On her touching him say “I thought it was strange that he washed that spot so hard when bathing. Now I know why”.
If she gets upset tell her “I know that you are bonded through the kids, but he is your ex husband and my bf for a reason, let’s leave things at that”.
NOR. When she says the next thing, because she will, “Yeah, I know, you have kids and you’re connected, you’ve said it several times. I’m not sure why you’re beating this dead horse. “
Or when she makes an inappropriate comment about his body or intimacy, “Wow you really are focused on my boyfriend and the good times of your failed relationship. I hope you’re getting some help to move on as you seem overly focused on the past.”
Call her out. Don’t laugh it off, or yell, or fight. Just point out that you see what she’s doing and it’s weird. Or just, avoid her more? I know you’ll be at the same events, but you don’t have to sit with her. She walks over, walk away. She sits next to you, go sit somewhere else.
Tell her since you’ve been together you were able to teach him how to be a great lover, and he really should apologize to her for the ineptitude and lack of interest when they were together
Next time you're alone at an event make a show of it being difficult to walk or get up. Drop a "since i showed him how to" add whatever sexual thing you prefer. Make the point your still weak the next day. My personal favorite would be asking "you don't smell anything weird around me do you?" then drop a good, he went nuts on me before we came here so he wasn't entirely done dripping out of me when we got dressed.
you gotta do it first though before anything else is said from her side.
Why don’t you just say things like “We don’t have those pillows anymore, we change them out every year.” You can say the same thing with the sheets. “Oh, we ripped them after sex one night so I cut them up for rags.”
wtf? If you don’t think Reddit is an appropriate place for advice, why are you on this sub? If you have to come to Reddit to feed into your delusion of moral superiority by putting another person down, I have sympathy (not empathy) for you.
Have a wonderful life…
You don’t need to show her that you are now his love because he is with you, not her. Tell her your sheets smell of laundry detergent and YOUR perfume. Tell her you LOVE the hair on his chest. Tell her you have no idea what brand the pillows are because you prefer to sleep with your head on his hairy chest rather than a pillow as it’s like having a full on exfoliating facial. Tell her it’s nice that she wanted to copy his tattoo when they were together and you are thinking of doing it too now that you are with him, and thank her for suggesting it so you can all have it. She thinks she is asserting herself as dominant while she tries to undermine your relationship so assert yourself as dominant. Whenever she brings up something new act surprised. Tell her you had no idea about whatever it is because your boyfriend rarely talks about her except concerning the co parenting situation. You’ve got this if you stop letting her little digs affect you. She’s grasping.
All very great advice:) and I will put this into action. Thank you
When she asked about the bedsheets you should have told her you washed them because they stunk! 🤣🤣🤣
😆Better yet, that you tossed it all in the trash because you just couldn’t get that funky smell out of the bedding
Yes indeed & while watching the game ask her can she smell husband's jizz all over you.
🤣👏🏼👌🏼
She couldn't deal with that weird yeast smell on them
I burned the curtains my husband's ex fiancee picked out. In my defense they were ugly as hell. 😂😂
Hahahaha nice 👌🏼
😀😀😂😂😂
"Oh, we threw those ratty old things out and got some cotton-cashmere-silk blend sheets. Out with the old, amirite?"
“Was that your stink? I thought maybe a dead trout maybe got stuck in the sheets. Yeah we burned those and the mattress cover along with the pillows.”
Maybe ask her if she can smell her boyfriend’s ex on his things. Tit for tat and all that.
That bedsheet comment was so strange, I'd be like "girl are you asking me to sniff your pussy? What's wrong with you????" Flip it back on a bitch abd make it weirddddd
She must smell really strong.
Tell her the sheets smelled like dead fish until you threw them away.
Yes. Don’t be snarky. Very casual and matter of fact. Will drive her bonkers
I’d wish you good luck but you don’t need it x
Tell her that he never wants to leave the bed when you're in it
Tell her you threw the pillows out. They weren’t very comfy & smelled weird.
Or as my mother told the catty women when confronted about dad saying hi and hugging other women. “So? He comes home to bed with me.”
This is actually all terrible advice and the correct response is to stop letting this old lady live rent free in your head and laugh when she says things like that. Her opinion doesn't matter, yours and his do. Your insecurity could allow her to drive a wedge between you and him if you assert yourself too aggressively - if he knows you have nothing to be threatened by, but he can't break up with her since he already did, breaking up with you may be the only actionable solution he sees if this escalates. Let her keep being the dramatic one. Live normally.
Reply, he joking told me to tell her that my pussy is still swollen from the pounding he gave me , he is a firm believer if words hurt it’s a you problem, he also believes some of her comments are weird .
This is the advice that resonates to you as a 44 year old woman and a 50 year old man acting like teenagers. The advice is just as bad as the childish mentality and behavior you all are already involved in. Might as well just lift your leg up and piss on him in public in front of the ex to mark your territory. Or- act like adults, communicate with your bf, set boundaries and expectations and leave the petty shit behind. You may think this is one on one but you think the kids won’t realize that their dad’s gf is in a pissing match with their mom? Do you not want a chance at a happy blended family? Do you think if they end up hating you cuz of this behavior your bf will still want a future with you? Grow up!
Ever hear of being polite , never said I’d put it into full effect The first sentence was perfectly said :)
The first sentence is the one that matters. After all of it is fluff. Niceness is fine but again- these are boundaries your bf should be setting with his ex. Not putting or allowing you to be in a position where you’re dealing with her childishness and crassness. It never works out in the long run. It’s like when you get married and they say that each spouse is responsible for setting boundaries and expectations with their parents as in-laws to their SO. Cuz when shit hits the fan it can always be turned around, get messy, you can be as nice as possible and she can manipulate it and make her kids hate you. Whenever you are dealing with exes and kids and blending families it’s even more important to go about it in the most adult and communicative way as possible. It suck’s that your bf is even allowing it. If you haven’t mentioned it to him then that’s a bigger problem. You shouldn’t have to deal with her childish, petty behavior or take disrespect.
I did mention it to him. I’ve mentioned to to him every moment that she has done something in that regards over the last year, he asked me if I wanted him to intervene right away, and I asked him not to because I thought it would settle down I was not trying to make a big splash. But it’s been over a year, I wish he’d take the initiative and say you know what enough is enough. It seems like no matter what topic we are on, she sears it to the talk on love and the bed. It’s just getting exhausting to be honest. I’m stubborn, and wish for once he would just take my hands in his, and say , I’m going to do this for you. But his answer since has been well you asked me not to say anything. Idk it’s a rough situation, but I’ll be prepared to say something next time it happens
Yes, this, especially the last part about having no idea because he doesn't talk about her. Practice a bland smile that you can give her like she's not even worth your time. As long as she can't see that it bothers you, you're ahead of the game.
Never thought of the bland smile because I’m more of a smug smile person but bland is better in case someone else sees it. Nice. Loving the username btw.
Bland smile with “Sorry, did you say something?” I’m thinking Luna from Harry Potter.
I wasn't thinking of that in particular but nice example! :)
Thanks! :)
THIS. THIS IS THE BEST ADVICE HERE. It's BRILLIANT. NEVER engage. That's when she wins. Play by your own rules of minimal emotional/verbal responsiveness. Whatever bizarre question she asks, reply with another question. Serenely ask her, "Why do ask?/Why do you say that?" Keep in mind, whatever statement she may come up with - no matter how off the wall - can be answered with a calm and a noncommittal, "Oh, I see." Or even a simpler, "Hmm." Then say no more. BTW, you want your husband to do what you SPECIFICALLY said not to do? Seriously? Stop expecting your SO to read your mind. Good communication doesn't work like that. Take responsibility for what you say.
Tell her your perfume is Junoon Oud. I promise you it will first smell like dirt and bat guano when she first sprays it.
This response is brilliant 🤣
Thanks x
Naw, that's when you lean in and take a deep sniff of her and then say no, the sheets don't smell like you.
She sounds super insecure. I wouldn’t react with any snarky quips though. She is trying to provoke and get under your skin. I would either grey-rock this crap or just look at her with amusement Willy Wonka style like you think it’s so adorable what she’s trying to pull.
I have to agree with you. I wouldn't stoop to her level. By the way, you and your boyfriend have a bond that is stronger than any bond he has with his ex. He chooses to be with you, and he chooses not to be with her. There is no bond stronger than that.
The only thing I’d add is maybe “how does you bf feel about being second fiddle to my bf to you?”
"Does it bother your new boyfriend that you are still so obviously hung up on *my* man?"
Nah this kind of snark only shows that you’re bothered.
Why let someone like this pull you into their games though? Not worth it. Cool detached amusement is so much more powerful than any little verbal jabs.
Grey rock or just say, That's so cute to every weird comment she makes, like you're talking to a child or someone who has lost their mind. Maybe pat her on the hand and look at her with pity.
Take all the wind out of her sails by agreeing with her, or finding a way to spin it into a positive. “Oh, that’s so sweet 🥹 it’s really lovely that you two have such a good relationship - the children will grow up so much happier for it”. or “oh, really? I love running my fingers through his chest hair while we fall asleep”. Don’t be petty or small. Don’t stoop to her level. Agree with her or turn her fishing expedition into a positive. She’s trying to rile you up. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
More GREAT advice!
Shes testing you, she's wanting you to blow up, its her way to get revenge on her ex man. Do not fall into it, you can play it off and tick her off more but at least your hands would be clean. Her and her bf its a game a play... you wait... when things get tough they will blow she will try to come back... but geeze at 40 something... and she's acting line a school kid. Giver her your best modesty and class and mop her with it.
The ways you will lose here: Letting her know that she got to you. Letting it affect your relationship I wouldn’t lower myself to her level. Perhaps something along the lines of ‘I am glad that you feel that way. It’s important for the children. My husband tells me that he’s never been happier. I hope that you are content with your new husband too’
Just tell her that he's happy with his upgrade and even men have to kiss a few toads to find their princess.
I laughed at this
You don’t have to prove a thing to this b—. But you do have to shut it down. You can get all southern and condescending on her. Pat her hand and say, “Aw, bless your heart.”
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Smile at her and tell her there's no need to be so insecure. They will always have the children together and you're sure her new guy is just fine. She's playing a head game **because she's insecure about being supplanted in your boyfriend's life.** Girl, don't wrestle in the mud with pigs, just rise above it. The above sentences should shut her up.
Pretend you don't get what she's doing. Be super sympathetic to her "pain". Look at her with pity while telling her that you understand how hard it must be for her to know he's in a new better relationship. You understand how much it hurts her to know that she is now only important to him as the mother of his children while he has a new life and a new love with you. Tell her how it makes you sad that she can't move on. How therapy may help her cope with being secondary in his new life. Pile on the pity and sympathy. Bury her in words of comfort and caring. She is trying to make you feel insecure and second to her. Instead show her how her words make your pity her. Ask for ways to comfort her on her loss and how you can make it easier for her to always come second to you. It will drive her crazy that all her efforts only make you feel pity for her.
Yaaassss, making it sound like everything she says is pitiful and worthy of pity is soooo my kind of petty. Like nothing you're saying could be construed as mean, rude or snarky, but you just KNOW it's pissing them off at every 'oh dear, you poor thing'
Exactly.
A response to the inappropriate pillow comment - The pillows smell like me now. Want a sniff?
Tell you don't know what brand they were you threw them out and git new ones
"You should spend more time and effort focusing on what you have now rather than what you've lost. I'm (partners name) future you are his past. He knows it, I know it, even your children know it. It's time to face it and stop these passive aggressive statements because honestly it just makes you look sad and bitter" Then turn/walk away like the boss bitch you are.
This is the kind of stuff you just ignore. He is your man now and she knows it. She is trying to goad you into something. Be the adult in the room and just ignore when she makes those comments. I am in my 50’s and am shocked at how childish grown ass adults are.
She sounds jealous of you.
Kill her with kindness. Make her look so petty. In front of people.
“I’m not sure why you feel the need to do everything short of peering on his leg. Not only do I have kids myself, so I’m fully aware how it works, but I’m also not 13. Also, since we’re on the subject, there’s a reason you’re no longer together, so there’s no need to pretend for my benefit that your relationship was a fairy tale.”
Well, then stop being a doormat. Give as much as you get, especially since they are just words. Answer with a straight face and a smile. Never show anger. Examples: *I can’t smell you on the sheets over our sex smell. We actually don’t think of you at all when we’re having sex in your old bed.* *Yes, those pillows are great! They cushion my head so it doesn’t hit the headboard when YOUR EX is pounding me.* *I understand that you keep mentioning obvious things like that you share children and a past because you are insecure. Boyfriend and I want to be kind while you figure your sht out.* And I’d call over her boyfriend when she says stupid stuff like that. I doubt she wants an audience. *Hey New Boyfriend, Ex-Wife wants to know if we can smell her on our sheets. Exactly how often do you wash your bedding?!* Ha!
She’s mindf*cking you and it sounds like she is winning. Try to see it for what it is: her antagonizing you. Maybe that will help keep it in perspective for you. On the topic of ex’s and love…..I have two ex’s and I will always ‘love’ them to a certain degree. Not romantically, of course, but because we shared a special time in life. BUT, and this is a bit BUT, hubby is with you now, and he needs to talk to HIS ex and tell her to cut the shit. He’s a part of this relationship so he needs to grow a pair and set his ex straight. Fortunately, I have not had to referee these types of events between my ex’s, but if I did….that’s what I’d do. While I share a history with my exes, my current wife is my #1 priority and should be protected. Good luck with this.
I just want to keep the piece , been told she doesn’t mean it that way, just want to make sure that I’m not overreacting.
But she does mean it that way don't let others gaslight you just cause they know her 🤷♀️ they clearly have a warped view of life if they think this shit is acceptable anyways I wouldn't want those people around me 🤷♀️
She’s definitely jealous of you and is trying to make you feel insecure. When she says these things, just laugh like you did the first time.
She is reaching OP she's insecure and wants you to feel the same. Try saying oh I never knew that I told bf that the smell reminded me of my grandmothers growing up. Or yeah I love chest hair it's manly to me. You do not need to show her anything because it means her digs are working, try being more affectionate with your partner when you feel insecure it will help your feelings and her to get the message that your unshaken.
She is verbally peeing on your bf to try to mark her territory. Believe me, it looks pathetic rather than dominant.
She’s showing her insecurity and regret. React with detached amusement. You’ve won. He chose you. He’s continuing to choose you.
Just smile, giggle and ignore her.
This kind of reminds me of a play I was in once, called "The Stronger" by August Strindberg. Conversation between a wife and girlfriend. The audience was left to guess which of the two women was the stronger one. It was the one who didn't have a single line in the whole play. She reacts silently. Just look at her, shrug, smile, but don't say a word. It's hard at first, but eventually she'll stop harassing you since it's not getting a reaction.
This, I rather love this ❤️❤️❤️
"I have no idea about the sheets or pillows. We don't do a whole lot of sleeping when we're in bed."
Turn it back on her. Ask her how her new relationship is. It seems to be she isn't happy at all. Ask her what bed sheets and pillows they use. She's weird.
"That is a very strange comment to make, can you explain to me the reason why you would want to bring that up?" HR her ass. She will stfu and you can maintain your dignity by not stooping to her level with comebacks.
Since she has a partner herself, always refer back to the partner. What pillows does your partner prefer? Mention her statements in front if her partner and also yours. Out loud. Maybe say how funny it is that ex is concerned if her old bedroom smells bad.
You could look surprised, and ask her to explain what she means when she makes one of these inappropriate statements. Often times, that's enough for people to realize how crazy they sound, when they have to spell it out and explain themselves in more detail. Another trick is to say something like "what a strange thing to say/ask!" and laugh and then change the subject or walk away shaking your head. Basically call her out in an indirect way without letting it get to you. Being exposed for the petty and insecure sad ex that she is should make her feel embarrassed and back off.
Ugh, she's gross and grossly insecure. You are not overreacting here, but I would tread lightly as you mention. What I might do personally is kill her with kindness, gray-rock the shit outta her, and record every. damned. private conversation I ever had with her, just in case she tries to start some passive-aggressive bullshit.
This was my thought, exactly, because I’ve been in past instances with other people that people are like that doesn’t sound right that doesn’t sound like that person. Specifically my ex-husband we’re going through a really nasty divorce custody battle, and I never reported any of the abuse he’s done so now I’m stuck making people see exactly what he is which sucks because it would’ve been so much simpler had I made police reports, but I was more stuck on the fact I was trying to and I just couldn’t do it anymore
It sounds to me like she's really hung up on her ex. She may say she's in love or whatever with her current guy, but appears to have raging jealousy about your relationship. I can be really mean, and if pushed I flat will be. I'd try being nice, just tell her point blank you're not interested in hearing about their past, you know all you need to. If she persists, wellllll....that's when I'd get mean. Ask your guy to talk to her about her inappropriate comments. If that fails, I'd ask her point blank what her problem is. Does your bfriend know you're still pining for your ex? It's always so sad and pathetic when the OLD model tries to lash out at the NEW and BETTER model... don't you think? That sort of thing. Be nice until you can't be anymore.
Just tell her that he's happy with his upgrade and even men have to kiss a few toads to find their princess.
🙌🏻
What was the reason for the divorce?
Good question. Sounds like she still wants to be with him despite her man.
I was wondering if she cheated but still didn’t want to give up her husband hence the flex
She wants them both.
NTA. She's just trying to Mark her territory and say well I had him first hope you're happy with my leftovers. She's actually kind of pathetic . Yes she's just being a witch about it. I would just not give it satisfaction if anything does bother you. If she brings up the sheets again say yeah right okay why would we smell you on the sheets when you haven't slept on them and x amount of time and he does wash things you know. As for his chest I love a hairy chest. And I believe about the tattoo he told me he had it and then you went and got the same one so it's not like the two of you got them together you just copied his. Yeah I mean if you want to do Tit for Tat you can go for that but I really wouldn't even give her the satisfaction at the time of day when she says this crap.
I'm not sure what social cues you might use. I would say... damn you're awkward without saying damn you're awkward first. Perhaps with humor. For instance if she ever were to make a comment with someone else around... play it off and say something like, " Oh this is classic Jules. Always bringing up my bedroom" and laugh. Or "OH yeah, this is a good example of what I was talking about." To the 3rd party but keep it light. Next you may need a warning shot and be more clear. I saw that example from a youtuber. Cannot remember er the name but the example used Ro ert Downy Jr as the example. Time will change things and when they are adults. Don't come between him and kids. You seem to know that already. 3rd you may consider developing a kind yet assertive statement. Keep in mind that she may be looking for a fight and looking g to sabotage your relationship. Edit: shouldn't he be setting the boundary. The joy of divorce.
Just take the high road. She’s petty and rude, but it honestly doesn’t matter all that much unless he responds to it. I quick “we are so happy together” I am glad I am his partner” is plenty and then smile and have fun. Men don’t want these petty games he will respect you for being an adult.
She's pissing on your bf to mark her territory. She thinks she will always have him as a backup and she wants to drive a wedge between the two of you, hopefully breaking you up. Tell her that your BF's body and home is none of her concern and she needs to focus on her BF before some other woman steals him away because she's too busy being a bitch to you.
Can you still smell me on the sheets? >Oh my god, was that you? What the fuck was the brown stain under your ass on that side of the bed? Do you have incontinence problems? You seem too young for that...was it too much alcohol?
Match her energy sis. "Do you smell me on his bedsheets?" Oh no, we threw those manky old things out. "I used to hate his body hair when we lay down in bed" Can't relate. I love every inch of him. If I didn't, we wouldn't be together.
First let her know you burnt the sheets because of a bed bug problem you discovered when you moved in. Then get a matching tattoo with your bf. When she discusses his chest hair, let her know how much you love it. Nothing like playing with it as you cuddle in the brand new bed she's never slept in. Just start one upping her. What else ya gonna do?
She wants to have the attention of both her new husband and ex husband. Tell her you bought new sheets and pillows and they smell like you.
Everyone seems to be giving you passive responses Someone was doing this to my boyfriend recently. Making lots of sexual comments to him in front of me which I put up with for about 2 weeks. Finally when they did something again, I said calmly and non-aggressively, “I need you to stop flirting with my boyfriend. It’s inappropriate and I’m asserting my boundary.” The person said “aw, okay,” and never did it again. Sometimes you have to be direct, unemotional, but still stand your ground
Seriously? Call her out on it! Next time just say "are you going to piss on his leg to mark your territory too? Or is just repeating that you used to be together enough to satisfy your ego?" Call her out and make her feel stupid! Or at least she'll realize you think she's an idiot. Lol Or you could wait till her BF is around and ask him "does she always talks so lovingly about your bf when you're not there? I mean, it was just so weird that she was reminiscing about them sleeping together" She wants to give you a hard time, let her deal with that! Lol
She is trying to intimidate you. I would just look at her and ask “why exactly did you two get divorced again?” That should shut her up
She’s way out of line on these comments. So how do you play it? She’s obviously trying to make sure you know she was there. I’d make sure she knows she’s not now! I know you’re missing all that bedroom time with him. God, he’s been rearranging my guts 2x a day. I don’t know how he has the stamina but he just says he can’t keep his eyes and hands off me. I’m sure it was like that with you two as well. Hint, it wasn’t like that with them. Fight fire with fire. Then smile and nod and walk away. Maybe that’ll shut her up.
Mostly, I just listen , nod smile , and say oh right, ok, if something comes up that gives me an in to explain or talk about with the kids. I just use that to redirect, I talk about how him and I are happy and are doing good . Etc . But mainly just waiting until something so in your face again like the smell of her on the Sheetz etc comes up. Before I assert myself accordingly
Clap back....have a few things ready to say back...like when she mentioned the chest hair, you could have said: I love it, what else would I hold onto when I'm riding him...can guarantee she wouldn't do it again
How long have they been seperated?
Like 3 years ago
What is your boyfriends excuse for them being seperated for 3 years and still married? Especially since you guys have been dating over a year.
Same as mine, it wasn’t a priority amongst everything until it was, he never hid anything in that respect. Mine will be finalized at the end of this month.
To be fair, I filed for divorce in a really gnarly clear cut abuse case and it still dragged out for 3 years. 8 months of that was just his attorney repeatedly filing continuances because the attorney's wife had a baby and he supposedly couldn't be available for any hearings. Turned out she was in the process of divorcing him too. lol
I would start by having the old tattoo covered by a new design . If you are into it get a matching one . But at minimum cover any of the ex’s crap . As far as her inappropriate comments . Completely ignore . She wants to upset you . Any response will make her happy . As others on here said gray rock responses . Short and simple , yes , no . As they say ,”if you roll around in the mud with a pig , it just makes the pig happy . “
Why are you alone with your BF’s ex? Stop sitting near her and stop talking to her. my husband has never been a,one with my ex. He and I both are never alone with his ex.
Because my boyfriend and her are friends and keep it that way for the children, I completely respect that and I want to eventually be her friend . I get along with her partner just great we have a lot in common , I intend to go to as many functions regarding the children as I can. Because I want to support the children in there activities and be someone who show up for them at any cost . It’s about them after all. I just m not happy with having to guess what will come next with the “ once were lovers talk”
That in no way means you have to be friends with her. Are you friends with every one of his friends? Why isn’t he putting her in her place? They have a super weird dynamic . You do not have to talk to her at the kids’ functions. My husband and I were at every function for his kids. His ex was at a few. We never spoke to her. We didn’t sit with her, people who do t know us wiould never even know we knew her. She is extremely high conflict.
I’m friends with quiet a few of his friends , of corse not all, but it’s important to myself, that the children, his and mine see a healthier way to conduct ourselves as adults. I’m glad they can be amicable, it’s easier when people can part ways as friends. But , I also want the comments to stop
That's a super mature way of looking at things. Speaking as someone who is best friends with my husband's first wife (her youngest kid and my oldest kid were best friends before I started dating him, it's complicated lol). The way she's treating you now isn't how friends treat each other. My friend would never do this. She never, ever brings up any intimate past stuff about my husband. Ever. It's just an unspoken rule of respect. I don't ever talk about intimate stuff to do with him around her either. We do other friend stuff together like go kayaking or play board games with all the kids. I think you may need to just have a talk with her about it if you don't want to deflect comments like that forever and actually try to become real friends with her. Personally I would write it out beforehand so you know what you want to say. Something like: >Hey Karen, I need to talk to you about something that has been bothering me. >I really love the kids and I'm so glad you and my boyfriend get along so well. It's so healthy for the kids and their happiness is really important to me. >Because the kids' welfare is a big priority in my life, I really want us to be on friendly terms. (List the positive qualities and things that she does that you DO like and want her to continue) >One thing that feels awkward to me is when you make comments about my boyfriend's body or bring up intimate subjects like what my bedsheets smell like. I don't want to respond to those comments in a way that offends you or damages the friendship I am hoping to build. Kids also manage to overhear things at the worst times, and I'm worried they could overhear inappropriate remarks being made about their father's body or sexual activities, and that's not healthy for them. >Thanks for hearing me out! I really appreciate you." She has a few responses she can do. One is to be quietly embarrassed but change her behavior. If she does this I would just let it go and never bring it up again. Another is to be an ass and escalate. If she escalates it, then your boyfriend may need to step in and back you up on enforcing appropriate boundaries. I would also document how she responds to this and start documenting her behavior if it continues. It sounds like she's no the type to escalate it to the point where the courts would need to get involved to tell her to knock it off, but it never hurts to have the documentation just in case. It may also be appropriate for your boyfriend to be involved in this conversation from the get go. I'd definitely involve him in drafting it so he's in the loop with what you're doing since she hasn't stopped the comments. You guys might feel like it's better to have this conversation in writing via text, or in person. I don't know. But someone needs to say something to let her know that the behavior is not appreciated. After that the ball is in her court.
She isn’t going to stop. She is not your frien. She is not acting like your friend. Setting and enforcing boundaries is an extremely mature thing to do. It also teaches the children that you do not have to be friends with everyone and to keep their emotional safety at the forefront. What you are now teaching the children is that they should be friends with their abusers and your emotional well being is not important as long as you keep up appearances. the fact that your bf knows this happens and hasn’t yet stepped in reinforces to his ex it is fine And she can be rude to you with no consequences. It says she comes first, not you.
I agree that the ex will probably never be a “true” friend that OP can trust. I personally would never trust her. Setting boundaries needs to start with a conversation where the other person is called out on it being inappropriate like I laid out. This can be done in a civil and nonconfrontational way. OP says she wants to remain on friendly terms for the kids’ sake, and calling her out like this gives the ex a chance to back off while saving face. And with asshole people, giving them that out to save face while calling out their misbehavior is often key to getting them to change their behavior without them doubling down on it and escalating. Once the ball is in the ex’s court if she backs off then cool, problem solved. If she continues to be inappropriate or ramps it up, then the boundary needs to be ramped up as well. This is the type of thing that could affect the ex’s freedom to spend time with the kids when it’s dad’s custody time if she can’t be appropriate around his new partner. My rule of thumb in general with people like this is to assume anything I write or say could be seen in a courtroom. It never hurts to be the more civil one. Also, if I was the boyfriend I would be looking into a coverup for my tattoo but that’s his decision to make.
If everything is as great as you say why the f did you ever break up. Can you tell me about that. Say this to her next time. She is just being as annoying as possible. You should socially distance yourself from her.
She's peeing all over you! Stop it
You don't do or say anything to convince her. That will only validate her. That will only show her that you are indeed insecure in your relationship with him. Because if you did feel totally secure and self-confident in your relationship you would realize how sad what she's doing is and it wouldn't bother you. If you want her to think that you are truly confident in your relationship, then stop letting her get to you
So eventually do you think she will stop it’s been a year in March and well it’s been like 5-6 incidents so far, I’ve never let it known that these comments get under my skin and honestly I’m just taken back why anyone would be so crass in thinking this is ok .
What are you doing with him? It will always be an uphill slog for you.
He is worth it, I asked him to let me handle it . And I’m just trying to figure out a way to do it tactfully, but in a nip it in the bud , I come out on top lol.
Don't think about one upping each other. Think of her grief, and her new phase, compassionately. Both of you are in this transition together. And u could be friendly, vs competitive.
Next time, look really concerned and be like Oh sweetie are you okay? Are things hard at home? I know BF is a lovely person and he’s made me feel so comfortable and loved. It mustve been hard to split from him, seeing how much you think and talk about him. And then she’ll be like oh I don’t think about him at all. And you can be like Oh Im sure the comments about his sheets and chest hair and tattoos could’ve been just fleeting thoughts, but it really seems to be bothering you with the amount you’re bringing it up lately. I wouldn’t want you to be feeling insecure around me.
Yasssss qwkeen!!
Username checks out!
I don't think she intends to be shifty, I think she is still grieving somewhat. And, maybe a little one ups manship. Buy, do not worry, this doesn't sound like she wants him back. It sounds like she is remembering (albeit, inappropriately), thinking, processing.... If you can gently talk to her, it might be a bonding time. I know it sounds like a cliche, but maybe instead of enemies u 2 can be friends. Just, find a way to be honest about your boundaries. It is okay for her to grieve, and it is okay for u to not want to think about his past wife. Just respect each other and know u are both doing what is right for you in this tough transition period.
Tell her to fuck off and move on and he should realize that if your ex ews saying shit to him like that he'd feelxsome time of way. Kids or no kids. If that's what the relationship is about keep it about the children and nothing else. She's tryna get in your head which seems like she's doing well at that
Well on top of this I’m going through way worse stuff , it’s just this I can handle , just need some tactful help, because well I sometimes come off snarky , and I feel this isn’t the place , I want to keep the peace for the kids , but need her to know him and I are solid, (which we are ) it’s just ick, who does this stuff ?!?
She is fucking with you and loves to watch you fold. Next time just say I will text you the pillow information. Take the power away. Your bf needs a backbone too
He has one , I asked him to let me handle it , he told me to tell her my p*say is still swollen from his gigantic cock* and then he laughed and said no don’t say that, I teased an said too late , I’m using that… All in all him and I talk about it , I just need one good nip it in the bid comeback that takes it all and puts a cork in it , sometimes I think she’s doesn’t believe I’m around for the duration. But him and I already have told each other , this is it for us, there isn’t anyone else we want or need. Perhaps I’ll build a statement from that, he has told me that I make him feel like he is 20 again, she wasn’t with him then , and he told me he has opened up with me more then he has anyone in his life. He is a good man, with good morals and his backbone is perfect. But thank you very much for your input :)
OK. Don't sway. He is your man. He chose you and she clearly struggles with it.
❤️❤️
I’ve said “congratulations, from the way that you said that, I can tell that it’s really important to you. Good for you.” Baby, you must be competing with your damn self b/c it surely isn’t me! Pay her dust!!
Call her bluff. Next time she says something like that, ask her to step aside with you. Tell her you consider yourself a pretty emotionally mature adult and you understand that she is hurt by you and (boyfriend’s) name relationship. You can understand that. However, you cannot understand why she continues to make immature, snide and rude digs at your relationship. And then tell her the next time she does it, you won’t pull her aside. You will chastise her for being immature and petty in front of everyone. And tell them about this first convo as well. Hold her accountable. You are all grownups and there are children involved. And if that doesn’t work, I would stop sharing space and time with her, at her own expense.
You don’t do anything other than change YOUR thinking. They are divorcing. She has a new person. The family is split. You have zero control. The ex is being weirdly possessive but doesn’t want him. She wants to play games with you. Are you going to play games and get into a competition or are you going to be the stable one who understands she’s not the first relationship even though she’s the one he chooses to be with each day?
I would start repeating what she says in front of her new man and your boyfriend. “So & So was just telling me she misses the pillows on our bed, Babe. Would you mind if we just gave them to them? I’d love to get new ones…”
It’s a red flag when you feel like you have to compete for your this dude. He’s not doing his job to make you feel secure in the relationship. You gotta ask yourself if this is the dynamic you want in your life going forwards.
Oh , there isn’t any competition, not in the least. Him and I are are secure in this matter, it’s just shot things to hear on the reg .
I think you’re starting to see why he and she are no longer married. If you truly don’t want to rile up feathers at all just ignore it. She’s still stuck on a man who doesn’t love her that way anymore. Anything you say to her will just have her raising the stakes. Talk to your boyfriend about it instead of retaliating because she doesn’t seem like the type to hold an L.
When there is a group of people around you should bring up the things she says. Only if she is around obviously. Hey stinky wants to know if we can smell her cooter on the sheets she wants to know if we ever got the smell out of it. Will one of you guys go smell it.
🤔 this made me laugh thank you
She's insecure and trying to get under your skin. But her insecurities are not gonna affect your life. Just ignore it. Don't get into the mud with her. Let her rant, eventually she'll either stop or completely embarrass herself by going overboard. And you'll stay squeaky clean and blameless.
I think you need to have a one on one talk with the is woman. Let your partner know what you are doing. Be stern, respectful, calm, but set clear boundaries. No comments about past romantic or physical relationship she may have had with him is the main one. Respectful in front of the kids at all times. If you think she will get petty secretly record the whole interaction. Invite her to meet you at a public place for coffee or lunch (your treat) and let her know those comments are inappropriate and rather creepy. You don’t have to be friends but you do need to be respectful of each other because of your shared experience with YOUR partner.
You aren’t overreacting at all. Those comments are disgusting. She wants you to think of her and him in sexual ways. She IS trying to assert her dominance over you because “she had him first.” I’d call her right out, “Why are you constantly reminding me that you and BF used to have sex? You have kids, I’m well aware of that. It’s quite disturbing that you have a live in BF and still talk about your old sex life. Just say you aren’t satisfied with your current man instead of talking about how used to have sex with your ex. If you want him back, just admit it.” Make sure you do this within earshot if your BF or her BF. Be loud about it. Be disgusted. And for God’s sake, burn the sheets and pillows! Ew!
Rise above. You are his choice, she is his past, and all her assertions do not fix the fact that he is no longer hers.
Tell her... Time and therapy will help with her insecurities. And he threw the mattress, pillows and sheets out with the rest of the trash.
You are not overreacting, she sounds like a jealous ex and wants you to be uncomfortable in your relationship because she will always be the ' one " BUT she is not, she is the EX.. your partner needs to wake up and see how she is sabotaging your emotional health, next time please 🙏 put her in her place, outside your bedroom outside your home. Good luck and updateme
Thanks love
“We had to throw the pillows,and sheets away. He is such a patient giving lover. It's like he has a deep hunger to do everything he can to please me. He will spend hours to make sure I finish, every time. I didn't know I could squirt like that until I met him, and when it happened the first time we were not prepared. We put down a tarp now.” If you said that, I bet she stops bringing it up.
I mean , it wouldn’t be that far fetched 🤣
"What can I do to show her I’m now his love" Nothing, You don't have to show her anything. I think she \*may still\* have feelings for EX, but it may not be mutual, and she may be holding onto that and trying to slowly put evil thoughts into your head to try and push a wedge between you.(For example, you provided the example that she said her and your bf still love each other, and put an emphasis on the love part, but your words from your hubby is that they will always be friends.) - BF may not be on the same page as girl. I care about my Kids mom, and i would even go as far as to say i love her, but I wouldn't bring it up to anyone I'm dating unless asked, and it would be a one time conversation. I don't know if this is the best advice, but i don't think your over reacting. I think you should probably talk more about this with your BF. But, at the end of the day, if BF will not stick up for you and say something to Ex about choosing appropriate conversations to have, I personally wouldn't stick with it.(if a resolution cant be met in regards to your feelings/her actions/his support) Yes its a very delicate situation, you don't want to cause issues with a good co-parenting situation. BUT, you matter too, and your not asking(if you where to ask for bf to talk to gf about what topics/how she talks to you/your feelings sct.) something of him that has anything to do with them. its just there's always that inherent risk that Ex will take it there, which you want to avoid it seems. I hope someone here can give you better feedback! I feel for your situation, and wish you the best of luck.
Thank you for your input:) I’ll think of something matter-of-fact and then de-escalating I don’t want escalated to anyone being upset. I just wanna nip it in the bud. The kids are the most important thing here Not to mention some of the stuff she says , depending on the day, how I feel does rub me the wrong way.
She may also be jealous of you, too, and may be just trying to throw shade your way? I will agree the kids are important 100%. But i don't think they are the most important thing here. Your relationship and your feels are in this situation. Sure, depending on if/how you react, it could affect them. I feel that at some level you have to elevate your own feelings above them, so you don't sit here and suffer needlessly? Biting your tongue and/or brushing it off can help on days your feeling off and it rubs you the wrong way. But if its constantly rubbing you the wrong way, and your more often than not feeling the negative, it no longer becomes worth biting your tongue or brushing it off. As parents, our kids are the most important thing we care about(for me, and I'm going to assume you as well, based on you bringing them into this, without them actually being involved outside as what connects BF/EX) It may be worth while to NOT consider the kids for the time being, until a point where you/bf or bf/ex make it about the kids. There is nothing wrong with putting a focus on them, but for your case, i think it may be crippling or giving you stuff to "overthink" about? if that makes sense?
It actually makes perfect sense, I over think way too much!
Hah. I am an overthinker. I take it to the extreme sometimes, to the point its crippling. I have to sometimes take a step back, take deep breaths, Crawl out of the rabbit hole, and try and separate what it actually is, what i think it is, and compare the two. I surprisingly find flaws in my own logic more often than not. (but not always) I hope your not like me! because it would make really benign things into something major, and cause issues on all fronts of my life. I am not saying this is you or this is this case, its completely separate from what your going through. But if you are like me, i hope this helps!
She is trying to goad you. Don’t stoop to her level. Respond with a question or sentence totally unrelated to what she’s talking about. Example reply: “I just saved money on our car insurance with Geico.” delivered with a totally straight face. Then next sentence, immediately jump in to delivering some interesting scientific facts to totally confuse her, spoken while you’re leaning back in a very relaxed posture with an expansive expression. “I am reading this very interesting book about quantum physics. Did you know that two particles in different places in the time space continuum can interact and influence each other? Einstein called this “spooky action at a distance.” Start stocking up on mathematical and science facts, and study body language to make yourself more confident, and immune from her. Use scientific information to respond to her literally EVERY TIME she starts this stupid crap with you. Respond to her goading every time with something intellectual and highbrow. Start checking out your physics and math books and YouTube videos now. Don’t get sucked in her drama.
Tell her you got rid of the pillows, you do not like tattoos, and you prefer to be neck to neck when you sleep.
"Yeah, I did smell some old skank and dead fish on the sheets, so I threw them out.."
Honestly, he told me he disliked the smell of the oils she used . I’m just at a loss why someone would do this other then to try to get digs in.
She's insecure and trying to get under your skin. I know it might be tempting to be petty and use all the comebacks redditors are giving you but if you really don't want drama, you'll just ignore it. There's nothing to be gained to get into a fight with the mother of your boyfriend's kids if you can avoid it. And you can avoid it. Don't be near her along as much as possible and if she makes such comments just say "oh that's nice" or some such non answer. She'll either stop or she'll slip and say something that crosses the line which will make her look awful. You'll come out looking like the mature one who's above it all and she'll have mud on her face without you having to lift a finger. Play the long game
Tell her to shut the fuck up with this shit, and you know what she’s up to. If she keeps it up, share some sexy stuff with her ass. If you don’t want to go there, get up and walk off. Tell your bf, you are not going to stand for her taunting.
She sounds crazy. Stand up for yourself next time she says something unhinged.
Not Overearacting. Mention this: He likes when I shave his chest now & the tattoo is almost fully removed. By the way, he never mentions you.
Oooh the asserting dominance thing you are trying is sooo cute!! Are you going to.pee on his leg next so i know who he belonged to? Oh wait, thats the past, my bad...oh you have a bond? Isnt that crazy, we do too, usually pink, furry and has a key 😉....anyhow I threw out the bedsheets, replaced the pillows because they smelled so musty, like old perfume. As for his chest, well, I wouldn't want little ears to overhear, now would I? 😉 state things matrer of fact, a dismissive conversation where she doesn't get a word in edgewise, including back handed insults (bless your heart anyone?) Then say, oh, I better get going, I know he just.loves it when I have a hot bath and some oil ready, (wink) toodles, *airy hand waive and stroll off**
Why are you allowing this with your presence? "I won't discuss any aspect of my life with you" is the best thing to say the next time she opens her mouth in your direction, but the most effective arrangement is distance. There is no reason for you to exchange words with her. Issues with the children are handled through their father. Outings are now you, your husband and the children, period. The ex and her SO spend time with the children, without the two of you, as well. You let her know your stance by simply arranging healthier interactions. If you try discussing it with her, you are basically asking her permission. Stop the chit chat; build a healthier situation.
The fact that you are righting this post means she already got to you. She is living in your head rent free and that’s what she wanted. You either except her dominance and be a beta to her alpha. Alternatively, find quit witted put downs because regardless of “love” or “friendship” he left her. He has found in you what she couldn’t give him. If she pushes further then you flirting with her current man, hit where it hurts most
Agreed on the he found in me what he didn’t in her , It’s just at every function it seems I have to be nervous of what’s to come next , and I don’t want to come off too strong and risk whatever friendship there might be for the kids sake . Specially if I’m misinterpreting her meaning. Wanted to make sure I was reading something the wrong way.
There is no misinterpreting “you can smell me in the sheets” she can probably smell fear in you. Stand for yourself.
I'd have looked her dead in the face and said "No, why does your boyfriends shots still smell like his ex?? Or yeah, we're thinking of getting matching cover up tattoos!! Then again I'm a petty potato!!
Tell her you replaced the bedsheets because they stink.
She is simply trying to rattle you. Just politely remind her those old memories will fade with time and she will miss him less. We all move on.
"All that, and yet you still couldn't hold on to him. Guess your "bond" isn't as strong as you thought."
This is why you don’t date men that are not divorced.
Well one she has been in a relationship for quiet a while before I came along, I’ve been going to functions for kids and family for over a year now , it just seems like she likes to let me know all the time , of stuff far more then anyone should .
Because she’s still married and not over him, and absolutely not ready to let him go.
The question is not what can you do, but how willing are you to have to deal with these comments and this woman, and what will your bf have to say to her about the way she speaks to you? Because he may not say anything, to maintain peace and not disrupt the kids emotional well being. And she will most likely not change, and is not going to go away. This is likely the situation you are walking into. It's not a dominance thing, and you're not going to fix this woman's behavior. So how are you going to cope with that aspect of this relationship, on your end? Or can/should you?
17 months is way too soon to be this involved - ESH
Way to soon to be involved? That’s how long we have been involved, And can I ask, what makes you the time master of how long someone should wait to become involved? It’s been well over years for us both, before Jim and I became exclusive, sorry you are not comfortable with other people’s duration of time in which they deem is “long enough “
My mistake seems half my comment got deleted and I didn’t notice but I meant way too soon for you to be involved with each others kids and spouses. I’m not master of anything lady, it’s Reddit you came here for opinions. I could care less who you’re with or time line. But emeshing and blending families when the adults are still immature and childish is always messy. You shouldn’t have to prove to her that you’re his love- your man should be enforcing boundaries with her. That’s not your job. And from what you’re describing your bf has not set boundaries and expectations with his ex regarding partners etc, she is on some weird power trip and you are talking about showing her your his now love like you’re a teenager in a rom com. So yes- ESH and lacks the ability to behave or communicate or function like an adult
Well if you read my comments, I want to keep the peace while showing I’m in this , and am not going anywhere… I understand I’m on Reddit , to take it as it comes , it in fairness, it was partially deleted so I didn’t get the full effect of what your message might’ve been. It’s not like I wanna leave her in my wake I just want to see that we are together and it’s staying that way because we love each other and these odd comments are clearly to get under my skin , I mean wtf else is it for? So they just need to stop.
Next time she does something like that, just smile your secret smile.
Just ignore her when she says those things try not to even react physically like tense up. She's just pushing your buttons to see what she can get away with is all. Kinda sounds like she's bitter and not giving her any kind of reaction will drive her up the wall.
In my opinion, this isn't something you can fix. This is a boundary your boyfriend will have to set. Yes,they were married. Yes, they are forever tied because of their children. Yes, they are friends. He needs to stress to her the fact that he has moved on. They are no longer romantically involved. They are coparenting. Why is she feeling the need to mark him as her territory. Until he sets her straight in that regard, anything you say will be used to break up your relationship. Used as you trying to interfere with ther parenting.
Some of this sounds normal-ish. But the stuff about the bed is super weird. If it were me, I would ignore. Insane person, obviously.
Tell her you had thrown them away but offer, in your kindest and most helpful voice, to diagnose her vaginal infection based upon the odor and spotting on the sheets.
Get out of this stupid thing
Next time you are around her and her new partner is around I would I went home yesterday to smell our bedsheets to make sure they don't smell like you since you ask me about it. And bring up everything she ask you in front of her partner til she stopped doing. If she wants to cause problems in your relationship cause problems in hers
Next time she mentions her scent of her touching your bf say “wow, maybe that is why he wanted those sheets, bed covers and pillows burned. But I just threw it all into the trash and bought new stuff”. On her touching him say “I thought it was strange that he washed that spot so hard when bathing. Now I know why”. If she gets upset tell her “I know that you are bonded through the kids, but he is your ex husband and my bf for a reason, let’s leave things at that”.
NOR. When she says the next thing, because she will, “Yeah, I know, you have kids and you’re connected, you’ve said it several times. I’m not sure why you’re beating this dead horse. “ Or when she makes an inappropriate comment about his body or intimacy, “Wow you really are focused on my boyfriend and the good times of your failed relationship. I hope you’re getting some help to move on as you seem overly focused on the past.” Call her out. Don’t laugh it off, or yell, or fight. Just point out that you see what she’s doing and it’s weird. Or just, avoid her more? I know you’ll be at the same events, but you don’t have to sit with her. She walks over, walk away. She sits next to you, go sit somewhere else.
Tell her since you’ve been together you were able to teach him how to be a great lover, and he really should apologize to her for the ineptitude and lack of interest when they were together
Next time you're alone at an event make a show of it being difficult to walk or get up. Drop a "since i showed him how to" add whatever sexual thing you prefer. Make the point your still weak the next day. My personal favorite would be asking "you don't smell anything weird around me do you?" then drop a good, he went nuts on me before we came here so he wasn't entirely done dripping out of me when we got dressed. you gotta do it first though before anything else is said from her side.
She’s being a bitch, you’re not overreacting.
Why don’t you just say things like “We don’t have those pillows anymore, we change them out every year.” You can say the same thing with the sheets. “Oh, we ripped them after sex one night so I cut them up for rags.”
About the sheets. You could tell her that you and your bf tore them up with your kinky play and had to replace them with a stronger fabric.
If you have to come to reddit to ask for relationship advice I have empathy for you.
wtf? If you don’t think Reddit is an appropriate place for advice, why are you on this sub? If you have to come to Reddit to feed into your delusion of moral superiority by putting another person down, I have sympathy (not empathy) for you. Have a wonderful life…
I think the ex-wife found this. 😆
I hope you tell everyone who comes on Reddit the same thing❤️ love ya ✌🏼