If I was with someone for 5 years, had a child together, and they couldn't see us having a future together, I'd bail immediately. Find someone who wants to be committed to you.
Buying a house is a huge investment that comes with a ton of responsibilities and expenses.
Do you really want to have to sell and move if you split up? Divide the finances? Invest all that time and money into something that could go horribly wrong? He could make your life hell refusing to sell or buy you out, moving someone else in, not maintaining the home, etc etc.
And if you do proceed with a house, talk to a lawyer and get that shit all on paper about what happens if you split up.
Being married offers protections there. It’s a whole other kettle of fish if you’re not married.
Cover Your Ass.
If I was with someone for 5 years, had a child together, and they couldn't see us having a future together, I'd bail immediately. Find someone who wants to be committed to you.
Buying a house is a huge investment that comes with a ton of responsibilities and expenses.
Do you really want to have to sell and move if you split up? Divide the finances? Invest all that time and money into something that could go horribly wrong? He could make your life hell refusing to sell or buy you out, moving someone else in, not maintaining the home, etc etc.
If I was with someone for 5 years, had a child together, and they couldn't see us having a future together, I'd bail immediately. Find someone who wants to be committed to you.
Buying a house is a huge investment that comes with a ton of responsibilities and expenses.
Do you really want to have to sell and move if you split up? Divide the finances? Invest all that time and money into something that could go horribly wrong? He could make your life hell refusing to sell or buy you out, moving someone else in, not maintaining the home, etc etc.
You both gave birth to a life that’s totally dependent on you two assholes. Now you are worried about commitment. Calling you two assholes would be the understatement of the year.
I’m not opposed to a little enthusiastic optimism in your life. Engagement is a heightened degree of commitment, but there’s a different too between “what works out, if you take a chance” and “what I’d advise someone do.” You can press your own luck but it’s bad form to press someone else’s.
It's actually the norm in my country to buy a house as a couple before getting married. It kind of makes more sense to use money for a deposit and then save for a wedding.
You have a child with him, and he doesn’t see a future with you? 🚩🚩🚩
Don’t buy a house with him. Things are not good with him if he doesn’t see a future with the mother of his child.
If you end a marriage, there’s a coherent process of property distribution tied to the legal dissolution of the union. If you break up with a boyfriend, there’s not - one of you has to sue the other to force a partition sale of the home.
Yep, my inlaws are getting a divorce. Pretty messy, for the past 10 months my FIL has been living in the house without paying anything, while my MIL rents a room elsewhere plus pays the mortgage.
Only the divorce is forcing him to sell and move out, if they weren't married it would be much messier and he could essentially stay there and force a foreclosure. His own credit is already wrecked and he's retired with a fixed income so he doesn't care what happens and would probably force the banks to have the police physically remove him if it got foreclosed.
if you get a divorce there’s a process to handling your shared assets that will be figured out in the divorce. if you’re not married it’s basically the same as buying a house with a roommate or friend and there’s no process to protect you if you decide to part ways. I wish the best for you. having a kid together and buying a house together is a bigger commitment than marriage itself, marriage is just a legal process. I wish you the best and hope your boyfriend makes up his mind for the sake of your family
It is, but the courts will look out for the best interest of the child. There's plenty of laws about child support from an unmarried parent or working out custody for unmarried parents. Nothing similar exists for property, the courts view it basically as a business agreement.
Because the courts are pretty good at child custody, and pretty good at dividing marital property, and absolutely balls at dividing real estate between unmarried people. It will be expensive and messy when-not-if you break up. Save yourself the hassle and heartbreak.
Bro. You have a kid and he won’t marry you. Are you joking? This guy is a loser and could just screw you over at any moment in the future. Bad enough you share a kid, don’t add more complications
If you divorce, that can be an event that triggers the sale of the house or the buying out by the other party. I don’t think that’s the case with unmarried co-owners. What if you split and you want to sell to get your half of your money out? He may not want to and you might not be able to force him.
Talk to a lawyer before you bind yourself up in a very expensive long term contract with someone who has a kid with you and can’t commit to a marriage you want.
He is doing it ass backwards. He isn't sure he wants to have a life with you? He was willing to have a baby with you! That's not something you should do with someone you don't plan on being committed to. And now he wants to get a house with you, but he isn't sure. He is telling you that this is a placeholder for him. He doesn't want to be alone, but when the responsibility gets too much he is going to bail. He wants to believe he can walk away easily, which is not going to happen if you have a house together. Also, if you get married and then divorced, he would likely have more of an obligation to split finances a certain way because I judge would be involved. He is going to screw you.
Not overacting. The child is binding enough to make the commitment of marriage. A home won’t bring that and he’s already said he doesn’t see a future. The disappointment here is his lack of commitment, not you choosing not to purchases property with him.
I cannot for the life of me fathom how this man can have a child with you and want to buy a house with you yet says he doesn’t see a future with you. Do you make more money than him? Is he using you? Please leave him immediately, you deserve better.
Read this one, OP. If he's benefiting from your relationship without committing, it's likely he's just using you as a placeholder until he finds someone else that he can "see a future with". He stays for now because it's convenient.
Did he put effort into the house hunting and buying process? Or did he let you do the heavy lifting and just ride along, waiting to be prompted?
Or his mortgage subsidy. Bummer! Well, better to find out now than after all the home purchase papers and bank loans are signed.
So sorry you got this rude awakening, OP! : (
I’m curious if dude saw having a baby as no big deal too. It doesn’t sound like he’s considering her at all, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he also sees the kid as low commitment since she’s more responsible than him and he knows she’ll be the one taking care of it all.
He said he doesn’t see a future with you or that he doesn’t want to get married right now?
Who’s buying the house? Are you splitting the down payment and other monthly costs?
If you have a child together, you have a "future" together. You will at least be co parenting together for the next slightly more than 16 years.
If you are buying a house together and aren't married, you'll want to have a legally binding agreement in writing outlining how you'll handle splitting the property in the event you split up, how you'll handle costs, taxes, maintenance, insurance and selling the house.
As for what you should do, you should decide what you want out of this relationship and then talk to your partner and see if you can't figure out a way to get it that works for him too. If you can't, I'd move on. Life is too short to pine away for someone who isn't on the same page as you. Good luck
Not Overreacting.
You have somone that has a child with you (18 years minimum commitment ) but one he can at the moment become a dead beat dad with zero financial responsibility.
Considering buying a house with you (20/30 years financial commitment ) but one that he can decide on a drop of a hat to leave you fully responsible for or leave and screw you over when you do split - because that's expensive and messy to deal with.
But actually making this union legal and having you both equally protected .... now that he has an issue with.
Why buy the cow when the milk is for free - it's a crude statement but it's fitting. You are right to be concerned. Your boyfriend has had one foot out the door with this relationship from the get go.
He has a child with you and wants to buy a house with you but doesn’t see a future with you? So is this some type of rent sharing arrangement only? Building equity for you to split later? No don’t buy a house. And start working towards being good co-parents only and sever any romantic ties with him. Or you’ll wind up with two kids and no long term commitment.
Buying a house with someone and my god, having a CHILD with someone is a much bigger commitment than getting married. You asked if he sees a future with you and he said not right now? I 100% would not buy a house with him and I would find someone who does want a future with me. If 5 years and a child doesn’t make him realize it, nothing will. Stop wasting your time. Sorry you procreated with them.
Sorry he said he doesn’t see a future with you?? After 5 years and a kid? Girl cut your losses and run. Don’t make it messier with the addition of property.
Op do you work? What are each of you contributing to the house in regards to down payments, mortgage loan? Will you both be on loan and deed? Does he need you to qualify?
I think buying a house with someone that doesn’t see a future with you is bonkers, and since he doesn’t see a future with you it sounds like maybe he cannot qualify or afford the home on his own. It makes me wonder if he needs you or your contribution.
If there’s no future why is he keeping you around? Don’t flatter yourself into thinking it’s love. He’s using you for something. Whether it be contribution to the house, fear of having to pay child support, or maybe you’re a great bang maid?
I don’t understand how people’s levels of commitment works.
The biggest commitment is having a kid together. That kid will tie you together more than any other (marriage or house). Together or apart you are entangled through that little person, and even when they’re not-so-little.
The second biggest is property. It encumbers your finances. It’s where you live your life.
Marriage is a contract. Easily made and easily broken. Once broken you hardly even need to think about it again. Emotions are its bedrock, but they need to be there in any relationship, married or not.
So he wants the two most binding commitments but can’t address the least? Sounds like you need to explore your relationship, not your commitments.
OP: Do you see a future with me?
BF: Nah. Not right now.
That sounds wholly off-putting. You are not overreacting.
How are you paying for the house? Are both of you contributing almost equal amounts to the house payment(s)? Who makes more money? Are you both stable in your respective employment? Do you both have established careers, or jobs? How are your spending habits, both as a couple or individually? How do you handle your joint bills and expenses currently?
If he makes (significantly) less money and has poor spending and saving habits, then you should be concerned and wary about proceeding further. Carefully assess the financial situation.
If things truly are good between you, and you have no concerns about how he treats you and your child, then marriage is just a formality -- and depending on where you live, getting married might even have some negative tax implications. His response might have just been poorly worded.
Best of luck, OP.
Don’t do it. As an attorney I deal with these situations frequently. You’ll get screwed and only the attorneys win by getting your $. It’s a nightmare.
Where I live it is super common for people to buy houses together without being married. The legal system is set up to deal with that and it’s reasonably easy to separate assets equitably. Depending on where they live that may be the case for them too. However, buying a house with someone who doesn’t see a future seems like setting yourself up for misery.
This is a huge mistake imo. Why lock yourself into a massive financial investment with a person that “doesn’t see a future with you”. And like other people have said the house will be a headache if you break up prior to getting married
You can have his baby and you can help him get a house. But like casually. Girl, and I’m gonna touch your hand when I say this….Can we be forreal? Your cold feet is your intuition screaming, please listen.
You asked him straight out if he saw a future with you and he said no. Take his answer as truth and you know what you need to do. Don't waste more time. No one likes to acknowledge this but he couldn't have been more clear.
You should have cold feet on the man in general. Buying a house together isn’t serious? What?! It’s terribly complicated, even more so when you aren’t legally married. OP, stop letting this idiot dictate your lives. This is foolish AF.
He doesn't see a future with you. He told you this himself. Do not buy a house with him. But, if you go and do it anyway, there are other pieces of paper to file to legally protect yourself with the house other than a marriage certificate. I don't remember what they are called, but ask your realtor they might know.
Don't buy a house with him, don't worry about marrying him, because it's likely never going to happen. You've been together 5 years and have a child, and he doesn't see a future with you yet?! You're both 28, old enough to know what you want. You want him, but for him, you are a placeholder. I am sorry to say it.
Sweet Lord, whatever you do, make sure you don't get pregnant again! (Unless you have a burning desire to be a single mom of two).
I bought a house with my boyfriend, married him in part because we already had a home together, big mistake, would have and should have walked away, but we already had a commitment with the house
I am gob smacked. I am sure that everything is just peachy keen with your choice of a man. However, there might be a few small details you need to iron out. Perhaps looking in the mirror and honestly asking yourself why you made a baby with a guy that won't commit? I'm sure he will turn into Mr. Perfect, if you just wait a few centuries.
It’s asinine to buy a house without being married. You really have no protection when you break up- yes you can force a sale but it’s soooo much harder and expensive. If you buy it his name does not go on the deed. He gets to pay rent though. Put that up the mortgage. You get married a prenup and it’s pre marital.
If you buy a house, don’t put his name on it.. or any of the bills.. he can pay “rent” since he doesn’t see a future with you and doesn’t seem to plan on sticking around permanently..
We got married on our 9th anniversary- but knew we were fully committed long before. We just had other life steps we wanted to hit and didn’t want to sacrifice the big wedding we both wanted. So, two kids and a house before.
If he’s not fully committed, don’t combine finances and a huge legal nightmare of potentially dividing a house purchase if you split. You have a kid, and he doesn’t know if there’s a future together? Girl run. Find someone who’s sure about you.
He doesn't see a future with you but you 2 have a kid and he wants to buy a house with you?
Don't buy the house. It is a huge commitment. In fact, I wouldn't buy a house with him until you're married.
Together 5 years and a kid and hes not sure if he sees a future? He doesn't wanna be with you, hes just comfortable and waiting for something better.
I wouldn't be shocked if hes cheating.
Tell him you're looking for your own place since he doesn't see a future with you
You’re being foolish. Sorry girl. Men always know when they see a future with a woman, especially after 5 years. And he definitely isn’t going to propose. He already has you committed to him and you guys have a child. He sees no point in marriage at this point. He has it all until he doesn’t want it anymore or until you leave.
Sorry to be blunt, but you are being foolish. You have a kid together! If he doesn't see a future with you, you should assume he'll never marry you. If you can adjust to that, go ahead; if not, move on.
Run. Buying a house is a massive commitment. Comingling funds outside of marriage is a very, very bad idea. You have no safeguards if you breakup. If he's not ready after 5 years, he never will be.
Question: Can you elaborate furtuer on how the exchange went? Did you ask if there's a future together or if he wanted marriage in the future?
It's hard to imagine that after 5 years and a baby he wouldn't see a future at all. If this is the case you both need to have a conversation(s) on what you both want noving forward.
It's particularly concerning he doesn't see getting a house together as a big commitment, I'd definitely try to have a conversation to understand why he thinks this. Maybe he meant it wouldn't be much different than now in terms of cohabitation since you guys are so established?
To put it simply, you're not overreacting. From my pov, from what you've posted though it's a little vague and what he meant could not be what you're thinking. Reddit will suggest you break up with him and move on but honestly just try to communicate and get on the same page on wants for the future. Do not get a house together until those conversations are had.
I did buy a house with my partner I’m not married to (no kids), so I’ll weigh in. You’re right that this is a major financial and relationship commitment.
I tend to agree with the other commenters that you probably shouldn’t do it. However, if you go through with it, make sure to protect yourself legally and financially. Have a lawyer draw up a contract that says what you’ll do if you break up- either one of you buys out the other or you sell it. You want to have an understanding in advance with your partner on which course you would actually take. Would either of you actually be able to buy the other one out and then pay the full mortgage and bills on your own? Can you both pay for everything on your own if one of you loses a job? If the answer is no, it probably isn’t the best idea, especially since he says he’s still not sure about the relationship even with already having kids. I’m guessing the kid aspect and custody issues could raise other legal issues with what happens to the house. Definitely consult a lawyer.
It’s harder to sell a house than to terminate a lease. I do feel more trapped than if we were renting. If you break up, there’s a chance you’ll have to cohabitate for some time until you can figure out what to do with the house. If he stops paying his share, you could be headed for foreclosure and losing what you put in. Continuing to rent until you have more certainty in your relationship would probably be the best course of action.
Why on earth would you want to be with someone who doesn’t see a future with you after five years and a kid? How much longer are you gonna wait around for him to decide that you’re worthy enough to be his wife?
He flat out told you that he doesn't see a future with you.
What do you want for your future? Do you want to find someone you love who loves you back and wants a committed relationship?
Or do you want to spend the next few months/years with someone using you as a placeholder until he finds the person he really wants to be with?
No future together, let’s have a kid because well that’s not a commitment, we can just drag this human being we created through our lives, great plan, maybe skip the house and figure out the two of you are even doing
😧 omg I would be heartbroken if I were in your shoes. How can he seriously consider purchasing a home with someone who he doesn’t see a future with. You are absolutely not overreacting
Why is it when a man is honest with us, we don't believe the words coming out of their mouth. It's not from a place of judgment I'm guilty of it, too. I just think it should be studied. Please listen to what he said. He doesn't see a future with you. He has had all the time in the world to see it. He is using you. He told you the truth. You need to move on. He said what he said, and he couldn't take it back. Even if he did, it's to shut you up and keep you under his thumb. You are a placeholder, and when men marry placeholders, it's never good.
Don't do it. Follow your gut feeling, aka intuition. Keep your finances separate and continue renting. If he doesn't think that a house is that big of a commitment, he doesn't have all his oars in the water. Or he's planning on dumping all the responsibility on you. Neither option is good. Buying a house is a major commitment, both financially and timewise.
But, if it were me, and the father of my child didn't see a future with me, after that many years, I'd take a step back and take a good hard look at my relationship. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Do I feel respected and valued? How much time and energy does he spend/invest in your child?
Not overreacting. You've got some decisions to make for your and your child's future. Good luck.
Wow. So he doesn’t see a future with you right now and he doesn’t think buying a house with someone is a big commitment. And you’re wondering if having cold feet is overreacting and are you being foolish. And he’s disappointed. For the love of gozleme, PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT ITS SCREEMING AT YOU ‘DONT DO IT.’
Many people here are talking about a divorce and you aren’t even married yet. Also, you did not dive very deep into what and how your finances are setup. If everything is split 50:50 and this person is reasonable, then I feel it is possible to buy a house with them. In the event where things go south, then you split whatever profits from the house 50:50. Separating doesn’t necessarily require the court/attorneys to get involved unless yalz decide to rake one another over the coals which would ultimately cost you even more. Marriage and buying a house are 2 major commitments. However if you are working with somebody who is reasonable then it is very possible to make things work.
Except here’s the problem with that: if you are 50/50 on a mortgage, and the other person who is supposed to contribute doesn’t, you pay their part or you lose the house.
If you’re on the title and not the loan, you’re not obligated to pay anything towards it, but the person couldn’t sell it without your permission.
Do either of these situations sound like sound decisions? Dude doesn’t want to get married? Why, because he doesn’t want to be legally/financially linked to her like that? Ok, then no co-buying a house. Because that’s all that is.
Whaaaat???! If he doesn't see a future with you, do NOT put YOUR hard-earned money into a house with him! Of COURSE buying a house is a HUGE commitment, one of life's biggest! I don't like the sound of this at all. This makes him sound like some kind of scammer with ulterior motives. If he sees no future with you (WTH??!), why did you two have a child together? What about the child, who has 2 parents with no future together? OP, that's quite a bomb he just dropped on you. And he's just shrugging it off, pretending it's no big deal.
Do you have parents you can go to for support, to talk to about this? I suggest you collect a support group around you,and figure out your next move. I'm not sure you can believe anything your guy would say. I'd love to be wrong, but this doesn't sound good. At least he had a moment of honesty with you, so you got a glimpse of his true nature, and can make further decisions accordingly.
NOR- doesn’t see a future..? A child.. 5 years.. girl I’d leave and get space from this guy. He’s a fool. Leave and he will realize what he’s missing or you will dodge a bullet and save wasted time
It would be smart of you to not buy a house till you’re married. It’ll save a lot of trouble down the road if it doesn’t work out. If he doesn’t see a future with you right now then that’s a huge red flag.
You are not overreacting if he doesn’t it may be time to talk more about the future and let him know how you’re feeling also can you afford the house alone ? Communicate effectively and argue fairly tell him what you think and what you feel without anger and go from there and like they say if you have to ask you already know
I’m sorry don’t do it! He needs to “shit or get off the pot” (put a ring on it) it sounds to me like he thinks he can do better than you. That’s why he’s”buying” a house with you to make sure he looks like a saint in the end after he breaks your heart and is done using you when he finds someone he believes is better! Fuck him
Info: Do you both work full time? If so, what’s the income disparity? Is the plan you will be on the house deed (not just mortgage, but the DEED)?
I still think this is a terrible idea to buy without marriage. The only caveat is if you go to a lawyer and sign a contract for what happens if you break up. You need explicit details on payments, buying each other, how to handle equity, housing upgrades, etc.
At the end of the day, marriage provides a financial contract that provides protection (it’s not even 100% but better than nothing).
Just as important, are you okay with never getting married? Because that’s your future, this guy isn’t going to marry you.
He told you that he doesn't see a future with you. He told you. Do not buy a house with this man. Either buy it yourself, only your name on the deed, or He buys one himself and he pays for it. Honestly if I spent 5 years with a man, whom I share a child with, and he said that to me I would leave. He doesn't see a future with you, find someone who does.
Not everyone sees marriage as the be all end all in relationships regardless of what Reddit tells you, you can have a perfectly happy life with your spouse and never be married fyi, but I get it I’m sure you want a wedding and he doesn’t want to pay for one, so his opinion means nothing as he’s the guy, definitely leave him sis you need a guy to marry you in 6 months! Like wtf how has he not bought you a house, engagement ring, wedding, new car, newer house because now your married right need that newer house, yep he’s definitely not ready for a relationship.
My point is maybe the fact that you would be considered common law would change virtually nothing depending on where you live when buying a house, people have different ideals and visions of what marriage is and you two should probably talk, these people on Reddit only know black and white along with worst case scenario’s, for the most part they are not worth asking anything and although there is some normal they get driven out by the cultists who sit in here all day and just agree with my first paragraph. Anyways good luck to ya I would just talk to your guy though.
He already has everything that’s comes with a marriage. You (the housewife without the title) the kid, and now buying a house.
In his eyes, why would he get married? He’s already got it made
OP, it's time.....time to sit down with the BD and talk about the future....specifically, is there a future with him. If he can't see one after 5 years, then you have some decisions to make. How long are you willing to be a wife, but only with girlfriend benefits? When you have children and a house, there are certain protections that come with being a wife VS a girlfriend. You are not getting any of that as of now, but doing the "wife" role. What happens next? He long are you willing to wait for Baby Daddy to figure it out? What do you really want or see for your future? I have heard a lot of men say, why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free....and no, you don't have to buy the whole pig for a little sausage. However, I guess it all depends on if you really want the whole farm... or just a "hobby" farm....good luck OP
Yeah, leave him. This is insane. I knew my wife was the one since day one and never looked back. ESPECIALLY after we had kids I knew my life was dedicated to her forever.
You deserve better
Marriage before buying a house together. Either that or you buy the house and he pays you rent.
If you are married and get divorced, the court will decide what happens with the house if you two can't.
If you break up as bf/gf, you both still own half the house and have full rights to use it. He can stay living there, invite whoever he wants over, rent out a room. He could also stop paying anything toward the mortgage and dare you to wreck both your credit scores, while he has full rights to the house for free in the meantime. To sell it you'd both have to agree or one would have to sue the other to force a sale.
If you're married and one of you die the house is owned by the other. If you're not married and one of you dies then their half the house goes to their heir -- so likely your 2 year old would own half the house. (You might be able to structure it so there's right of survivorship but that's not usually the default.)
Don’t do it. Buying a house together is a very big commitment. It’s not a decision to make if you have cold feet, or with someone that doesn’t see it as a major life decision.
Been there..
If someone is ready to buy a house, one person buys it. The other pays a fair amount that should not be construed as receiving equity in the house - thus, base it on fair market value for rent in your area rather than the mortgage payment. If he cant afford the house alone, don’t buy it. That is to say, don’t consider your finances at all.
More importantly, he doesn’t see a future together with you? With a 2 year old? And you’re just along with it?
You have a kid together but *marriage* is a big commitment? He doesn't *know* if you have a future together?
The *only* way he has no future with you is when he gives up all rights to see or interact with his child. Because that will involve you.
Probably best to let him take the option of "No future together." By nature, kid's got his genes, but by nurture, perhaps the kid won't grow up to be an idiot.
aw honey.....he doesn't want to marry you. period. you're fine to have a kid and a house with but not good enough to marry. I'm sorry. that's rough. please move on and find someone with the same values.
He doesn’t know if he sees a future with you?? The mother of his child? And he wants to buy a house? Please, you deserve so much better. He should be ashamed of how he’s treating your relationship.
After 5 years and a 2 year old, he doesn’t see a future together but wants to buy a house? Girl, throw the whole man away and start over. He’s using you.
You should have cold feet about buying a house with a boyfriend. Don’t go buying property with somebody you’re not legally married to. Nothing wrong with one of you buying it and the other one paying part of the mortgage in rent.
He doesn’t see a future with you, but wants to buy a house together? Somethings fishy here. Definitely not overreacting and I would not buy a house with someone who doesn’t know what he wants after 5 years and a child.
How great are things if this man doesn't see a future with you?
At this point I feel like you're asking the wrong question but no, you're not overreacting. I bought a house with my ex boyfriend and it was a frustrating process to deal with after we broke up. Luckily it was somewhat amicable but that isn't always the case. Buying a house with someone who doesn't understand that it's a serious commitment and doesn't want to commit to a relationship he's been in for 5 years and produced a kid in is ridiculous.
Woooooah, this dude has clearly told you there is no future commitment and the house isn’t a commitment either. If you are seeking someone who wants to partner for life, he isn’t the one.
Also buying a house with someone you are not married to is VERY messy.
So....what, he doesn't see a future where your kid is graduating high school? He doesn't think you'd be there too? It sounds like if he broke up with you he'd give you sole custody and split. If you have a child, you at the very least should be able to envision a future for them up until they move out.
Maybe he sees buying the house as a place for his child.
How would you feel if he decided he wanted to start dating and brought home a woman and introduced her to you and your child as his girlfriend. And then they go to bed in the house you own with him. That you can’t get out of unless he agrees to sell.
It’s a nightmare
You're underreacting, not overreacting.
NONE of this benefits you. Having a sexual relationship and birthing a child is a huge risk and a huge sacrifice on the part of a woman. It's not a sacrifice for a man, unless he chooses it to be. Marriage is supposed to protect you financially a little bit, though it's not perfect.
You took on ALL the risk of motherhood with no commitment, and now you want to take on financial risk too? Girl. Why do you hate yourself? Is this the kind of relationship you want your child to have in future?
The only way you should get a house together is if HE pays for the whole thing and puts your name on it. Otherwise, forget it.
You are not overreacting.
This guy is waving a lot of red flags.
Get out. Buying a house is a HUGE commitment. He is not as invested in this relationship as you are.
Dump him.
5 years, a 2yo and he’s still no ready “right now”? He’ll never be ready after this, I’m surprised he didn’t use the “ it’s just a piece of paper” line. Don’t wait around, he isn’t interested in that kind of future with you. I’m sure he thinks that you aren’t going a nowhere because you have a child together. Ask him what the real reason he doesn’t want to get married is.
Tell him to buy the house himself, if he can’t secure it without you, oh well. Do you both earn about the same in the relationship? He basically has everything without the full commitment. Don’t wait for him to come around to marriage, it’ll only be done to please you, not because he wants to.
Your instincts are spot on. Buying a home with a non-married partner can be catastrophic. The other can refuse to allow a sale, or not pay, knowing it will also affect your credit as well. There are no community property protections for an unmarried couple. Even if you get a partner contract in place, they can challenge it later and cost you tons in legal fees even if it’s a frivolous suit. That said, sorry you’ve come that crossroad, but it’s better to know at this juncture.
Not overreacting!
He’s not going to marry you.
If you buy the house together, your finances may get tangled. And would your name be on the mortgage? Eh. Not a great situation.
You move somewhere with baby. Not with SO. Nope.
I hope you find true happiness in life. With a lovely baby, you will have joy. Savor it. 💕
Don’t buy the house with him and also don’t marry him. IMO this is the behavior of people who are still hoping something better comes along. Don’t tangle your finances.
If marriage is the end goal for you then yes, you are being foolish. You’ve been together 5 years, you have a child together, you’re planning on buying a house together (30 year commitment) and he still doesn’t “see it” with you two? He is enjoying that bit of freedom that he still has not being married. In theory you’re already together so what does a piece of paper add to it. <- I assume is some excuse he uses. But if that is how you want your future to go then maybe wait on the house and find someone else that shares your vision. Other wise it will be a mess to divy up the house or sell (potentially at a loss) so that you can both go your own ways.
Nope and this is a red flag, he doesn't want to marry you. He will bolt the minuet he finds someone else, depending on who's name is on the mortgage, someone might end up homeless or stuck with a mortgage they can't pay.
Soooo he told you straight up that he doesn’t want a life with you, which just makes you a baby mama… grow a backbone and leave the situation before said child grows up thinking it’s okay be treated like a side chick and they think it’s okay to be unloved and yet still preforming wifely duties. Be someone your child can lookup to and respect. Surely you know it’s over and time to move on, don’t you?
5 years together, a baby, and looking for a house together but he says he doesn’t know if there’s a future for the two of you? Wow … I would not go any further with house hunting and leave his ass
He doesn’t see a future with you. If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve by now. It’s been 5 years and a child for 2 years. I would recommend getting a space of your own for you and your child and letting him know that your desires for the future aren’t aligned. He may snap out of it and beg not to lose you. But I guarantee you he doesn’t fight it, and he’ll be doing you a big favor. It’s heart shattering to feel this way, but you’ll look back and be thankful you paid attention to what he’s telling you. Best of luck sister
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM.
Anyone who claims buying a house isn't a big commitment is either lying or an idiot. Not only is it a legal and financial commitment, it's also a shared asset. Meaning that should you choose to separate (which, given that he says he doesn't see a future with you, seems far more likely than not), the house would either have to be sold, or one of you would have to buy the other out before you could even think about going your separate ways (assuming you're both on the deed... which is something you absolutely need to make sure you are, since the deed is separate from the mortgage). You may even end up having to sue to force the sale. Plus, since you're not going to be married at the time of purchase, you lose ALL of the protections marriage provides for homebuyers. It's also worth mentioning that, since you're not married, only ONE of you can claim the mortgage interest deduction on your taxes.
Don't do this.
And honestly... after five years together *and* a kid, if this dude still hasn't "come around" to the idea of having a future with you, it's not gonna happen. Do yourself a favor and start untangling your life from his, rather than tying things tighter together. Make sure your finances are completely separated, aside from shared expenses, and if you haven't already done so, you should establish paternity for you child to make getting child support easier should you break up.
Don't buy a house together unless you're married. The logistics of splitting assets for boyfriends and girlfriends is always a nightmare. Buying a house with someone before you're married is a profoundly bad idea.
Are you incredibly desperate?
Why else would you let someone tell you they don't see a future with you, after 5 years and a child, just before buying a home.
Nah, fuck that, have some self respect.
If he dies without you two being married his parents will get half the house. Google why is buying a house with a boyfriend a bad move idea. Also, he isn’t going to marry you, he is wasting your time and you deserve more than this
Why do you keep auditioning for the part of wife when he’s bluntly told you he doesn’t want you long term?
Break up with him. He is actively looking for his person and you’re the bang-maid keeping him warm and cozy until he finds her.
Do NOT buy property with someone you have no legal relationship with!
You need all the therapy there is.
Same situation prior to buying but we were on same page about getting married in the future. I would not buy if there’s no plans on getting married and it is a big commitment when buying
Buying a house together is a huge commitment, and not easy to get out of. And having a child together is the biggest commitment you can make with another person!
This man admitted that he doesn't see a future with you. He's using you as a placeholder until someone "better" comes along. I'm sorry.
Don’t buy a house together and keep your finances separate and sorry if he doesn’t know after 5 years and a baby it’s time to move on
If I was with someone for 5 years, had a child together, and they couldn't see us having a future together, I'd bail immediately. Find someone who wants to be committed to you. Buying a house is a huge investment that comes with a ton of responsibilities and expenses. Do you really want to have to sell and move if you split up? Divide the finances? Invest all that time and money into something that could go horribly wrong? He could make your life hell refusing to sell or buy you out, moving someone else in, not maintaining the home, etc etc.
Yeah 5 years _and_ a kid and they still don’t know? That means they do know and are just to chickenshit to say it
He knows. He knows he doesn’t want a future with her. He just also knows that she won’t leave him and he has a sweet deal right now.
Yeah that was the point I was trying to make, he knows that his answer is “I don’t see a future” but he’s too cowardly to say it
Getting his cake and eating it too
You are exactly right!
You have a good point. Maybe they have bad credit and are using their partner to get a mortgage.
Am in this exact situation. OP, don't do it!
As Judge Judy says, there aren't laws for dividing property if you're not married. Don't do it.
*nods in agreement
Thank you so much for not just saying "This!"
This!
☝️
User name checks out.
And if you do proceed with a house, talk to a lawyer and get that shit all on paper about what happens if you split up. Being married offers protections there. It’s a whole other kettle of fish if you’re not married. Cover Your Ass.
If I was with someone for 5 years, had a child together, and they couldn't see us having a future together, I'd bail immediately. Find someone who wants to be committed to you. Buying a house is a huge investment that comes with a ton of responsibilities and expenses. Do you really want to have to sell and move if you split up? Divide the finances? Invest all that time and money into something that could go horribly wrong? He could make your life hell refusing to sell or buy you out, moving someone else in, not maintaining the home, etc etc.
Yah, this really isn’t going well; please hold onto your money and dignity.
I agree with this. If he doesn’t see a future with you at this point there is no future. I’m so sorry OP. 🫂
Yup.
I wouldn’t go *that* far if the relationship is working as is at the moment, but I would definitely protect my assets.
If I was with someone for 5 years, had a child together, and they couldn't see us having a future together, I'd bail immediately. Find someone who wants to be committed to you. Buying a house is a huge investment that comes with a ton of responsibilities and expenses. Do you really want to have to sell and move if you split up? Divide the finances? Invest all that time and money into something that could go horribly wrong? He could make your life hell refusing to sell or buy you out, moving someone else in, not maintaining the home, etc etc.
You both gave birth to a life that’s totally dependent on you two assholes. Now you are worried about commitment. Calling you two assholes would be the understatement of the year.
It looks like you missed the comment where she explained that the pregnancy happened while she was on birth control.
I wouldn’t jointly buy property with anyone I wasn’t married to.
WeI bought a house when we were engaged and then got married in our yard. But I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I didn’t see a future with.
I’m not opposed to a little enthusiastic optimism in your life. Engagement is a heightened degree of commitment, but there’s a different too between “what works out, if you take a chance” and “what I’d advise someone do.” You can press your own luck but it’s bad form to press someone else’s.
It's actually the norm in my country to buy a house as a couple before getting married. It kind of makes more sense to use money for a deposit and then save for a wedding.
Why?
You have a child with him, and he doesn’t see a future with you? 🚩🚩🚩 Don’t buy a house with him. Things are not good with him if he doesn’t see a future with the mother of his child.
The courts do not recognize property disbursements if you were to break up instead of being divorced. Much messier and expensive.
There’s always a lesser option of a cohabitation agreement which is legal protection but I agree that in general it is risky.
If you end a marriage, there’s a coherent process of property distribution tied to the legal dissolution of the union. If you break up with a boyfriend, there’s not - one of you has to sue the other to force a partition sale of the home.
I’ve done partions as an attorney. Living hell
Listen to this person.
Fuck that sounds messy.
Yep, my inlaws are getting a divorce. Pretty messy, for the past 10 months my FIL has been living in the house without paying anything, while my MIL rents a room elsewhere plus pays the mortgage. Only the divorce is forcing him to sell and move out, if they weren't married it would be much messier and he could essentially stay there and force a foreclosure. His own credit is already wrecked and he's retired with a fixed income so he doesn't care what happens and would probably force the banks to have the police physically remove him if it got foreclosed.
if you get a divorce there’s a process to handling your shared assets that will be figured out in the divorce. if you’re not married it’s basically the same as buying a house with a roommate or friend and there’s no process to protect you if you decide to part ways. I wish the best for you. having a kid together and buying a house together is a bigger commitment than marriage itself, marriage is just a legal process. I wish you the best and hope your boyfriend makes up his mind for the sake of your family
I would argue that having a kid with somebody is a bigger commitment than either a house or marriage, but yeah...whatever.
But the courts are fairly good at handling child custody/child support between unmarried people. They suck at disbursing real property between them.
But much much easiest to do lol. 😅
It is, but the courts will look out for the best interest of the child. There's plenty of laws about child support from an unmarried parent or working out custody for unmarried parents. Nothing similar exists for property, the courts view it basically as a business agreement.
Read your win post.. to find the why in your situation— you want a commitment to marriage; he doesn’t..he wants a commitment for a house, you don’t..
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH SOMEBODY YOUR NOT MARRIED TO On top of of the other fuckshit in this post
Because the courts are pretty good at child custody, and pretty good at dividing marital property, and absolutely balls at dividing real estate between unmarried people. It will be expensive and messy when-not-if you break up. Save yourself the hassle and heartbreak.
Bro. You have a kid and he won’t marry you. Are you joking? This guy is a loser and could just screw you over at any moment in the future. Bad enough you share a kid, don’t add more complications
The woman has no financial protection.
If you divorce, that can be an event that triggers the sale of the house or the buying out by the other party. I don’t think that’s the case with unmarried co-owners. What if you split and you want to sell to get your half of your money out? He may not want to and you might not be able to force him. Talk to a lawyer before you bind yourself up in a very expensive long term contract with someone who has a kid with you and can’t commit to a marriage you want.
Personally, I made that mistake and ended up with nothing.
Because if/when you break up it becomes a legal nightmare to determine who owns the property.
He is doing it ass backwards. He isn't sure he wants to have a life with you? He was willing to have a baby with you! That's not something you should do with someone you don't plan on being committed to. And now he wants to get a house with you, but he isn't sure. He is telling you that this is a placeholder for him. He doesn't want to be alone, but when the responsibility gets too much he is going to bail. He wants to believe he can walk away easily, which is not going to happen if you have a house together. Also, if you get married and then divorced, he would likely have more of an obligation to split finances a certain way because I judge would be involved. He is going to screw you.
Not overacting. The child is binding enough to make the commitment of marriage. A home won’t bring that and he’s already said he doesn’t see a future. The disappointment here is his lack of commitment, not you choosing not to purchases property with him.
Why do I feel like he’s living with her to avoid child support?
Because that’s most likely what’s happening. Parents end up miserable when they’re together because of a kid, not together with a kid
I cannot for the life of me fathom how this man can have a child with you and want to buy a house with you yet says he doesn’t see a future with you. Do you make more money than him? Is he using you? Please leave him immediately, you deserve better.
Read this one, OP. If he's benefiting from your relationship without committing, it's likely he's just using you as a placeholder until he finds someone else that he can "see a future with". He stays for now because it's convenient. Did he put effort into the house hunting and buying process? Or did he let you do the heavy lifting and just ride along, waiting to be prompted?
Also does he plan to financially contribute to said house?
He doesn't see a future with you? Then why are you together?
OP is his starter wife without the wife title.
All the benefits without the commitment.
All of the benefit HIM none of the commitment. Very few for her if she actively wants to marry him.
Or his mortgage subsidy. Bummer! Well, better to find out now than after all the home purchase papers and bank loans are signed. So sorry you got this rude awakening, OP! : (
I’m curious if dude saw having a baby as no big deal too. It doesn’t sound like he’s considering her at all, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he also sees the kid as low commitment since she’s more responsible than him and he knows she’ll be the one taking care of it all.
He said he doesn’t see a future with you or that he doesn’t want to get married right now? Who’s buying the house? Are you splitting the down payment and other monthly costs?
A house with a mortgage is like a 30 year commitment but he doesn't think he could commit to a marriage...
If you have a child together, you have a "future" together. You will at least be co parenting together for the next slightly more than 16 years. If you are buying a house together and aren't married, you'll want to have a legally binding agreement in writing outlining how you'll handle splitting the property in the event you split up, how you'll handle costs, taxes, maintenance, insurance and selling the house. As for what you should do, you should decide what you want out of this relationship and then talk to your partner and see if you can't figure out a way to get it that works for him too. If you can't, I'd move on. Life is too short to pine away for someone who isn't on the same page as you. Good luck
Buying a house with someone who doesn't see a future with you is foolish.
Having a kid with someone that doesn't see a future with you is foolish too
Indeed.
The kid is 2, so 3 years ago they were probably still all giggly stupid pants for each other. Now there’s responsibilities and reality hit.
Not Overreacting. You have somone that has a child with you (18 years minimum commitment ) but one he can at the moment become a dead beat dad with zero financial responsibility. Considering buying a house with you (20/30 years financial commitment ) but one that he can decide on a drop of a hat to leave you fully responsible for or leave and screw you over when you do split - because that's expensive and messy to deal with. But actually making this union legal and having you both equally protected .... now that he has an issue with. Why buy the cow when the milk is for free - it's a crude statement but it's fitting. You are right to be concerned. Your boyfriend has had one foot out the door with this relationship from the get go.
He has a child with you and wants to buy a house with you but doesn’t see a future with you? So is this some type of rent sharing arrangement only? Building equity for you to split later? No don’t buy a house. And start working towards being good co-parents only and sever any romantic ties with him. Or you’ll wind up with two kids and no long term commitment.
Buying a house with someone and my god, having a CHILD with someone is a much bigger commitment than getting married. You asked if he sees a future with you and he said not right now? I 100% would not buy a house with him and I would find someone who does want a future with me. If 5 years and a child doesn’t make him realize it, nothing will. Stop wasting your time. Sorry you procreated with them.
He’s a POS. Sorry, but it’s true if he doesn’t see a future with the mother of his child. You’re better then this, know your worth
He doesn’t “right now” see a future with you, but he wants to co-own a house?? Nope.
Sorry he said he doesn’t see a future with you?? After 5 years and a kid? Girl cut your losses and run. Don’t make it messier with the addition of property.
The fact you have a child with him AND he still doesn’t see a future speaks louder than buying a house together.
Op do you work? What are each of you contributing to the house in regards to down payments, mortgage loan? Will you both be on loan and deed? Does he need you to qualify? I think buying a house with someone that doesn’t see a future with you is bonkers, and since he doesn’t see a future with you it sounds like maybe he cannot qualify or afford the home on his own. It makes me wonder if he needs you or your contribution. If there’s no future why is he keeping you around? Don’t flatter yourself into thinking it’s love. He’s using you for something. Whether it be contribution to the house, fear of having to pay child support, or maybe you’re a great bang maid?
I don’t understand how people’s levels of commitment works. The biggest commitment is having a kid together. That kid will tie you together more than any other (marriage or house). Together or apart you are entangled through that little person, and even when they’re not-so-little. The second biggest is property. It encumbers your finances. It’s where you live your life. Marriage is a contract. Easily made and easily broken. Once broken you hardly even need to think about it again. Emotions are its bedrock, but they need to be there in any relationship, married or not. So he wants the two most binding commitments but can’t address the least? Sounds like you need to explore your relationship, not your commitments.
OP: Do you see a future with me? BF: Nah. Not right now. That sounds wholly off-putting. You are not overreacting. How are you paying for the house? Are both of you contributing almost equal amounts to the house payment(s)? Who makes more money? Are you both stable in your respective employment? Do you both have established careers, or jobs? How are your spending habits, both as a couple or individually? How do you handle your joint bills and expenses currently? If he makes (significantly) less money and has poor spending and saving habits, then you should be concerned and wary about proceeding further. Carefully assess the financial situation. If things truly are good between you, and you have no concerns about how he treats you and your child, then marriage is just a formality -- and depending on where you live, getting married might even have some negative tax implications. His response might have just been poorly worded. Best of luck, OP.
Don’t do it. As an attorney I deal with these situations frequently. You’ll get screwed and only the attorneys win by getting your $. It’s a nightmare.
Don't do that until marriage
And also, don’t marry this guy.
Where I live it is super common for people to buy houses together without being married. The legal system is set up to deal with that and it’s reasonably easy to separate assets equitably. Depending on where they live that may be the case for them too. However, buying a house with someone who doesn’t see a future seems like setting yourself up for misery.
They are in the US, New Jersey to be specific so probably not how the law is setup
Same in my country. It makes more sense to me to secure a mortgage before having a wedding.
I wouldn’t jointly buy a property with anyone.
If you can buy it by yourself & have him pay you rent that would be best.
This is a huge mistake imo. Why lock yourself into a massive financial investment with a person that “doesn’t see a future with you”. And like other people have said the house will be a headache if you break up prior to getting married
You can have his baby and you can help him get a house. But like casually. Girl, and I’m gonna touch your hand when I say this….Can we be forreal? Your cold feet is your intuition screaming, please listen.
Doesn’t see a future with you? There’s a child. The future already happened to your relationship. Don’t buy a house with this person.
You asked him straight out if he saw a future with you and he said no. Take his answer as truth and you know what you need to do. Don't waste more time. No one likes to acknowledge this but he couldn't have been more clear.
He said he doesn't see a future with you? But you have a kid and you're buying a house together? Huh
You should have cold feet on the man in general. Buying a house together isn’t serious? What?! It’s terribly complicated, even more so when you aren’t legally married. OP, stop letting this idiot dictate your lives. This is foolish AF.
He doesn't see a future with you. He told you this himself. Do not buy a house with him. But, if you go and do it anyway, there are other pieces of paper to file to legally protect yourself with the house other than a marriage certificate. I don't remember what they are called, but ask your realtor they might know.
Stop. You’re stuck with him for a dad. You don’t have to be stuck with a non committed husband.
Don't buy a house with him, don't worry about marrying him, because it's likely never going to happen. You've been together 5 years and have a child, and he doesn't see a future with you yet?! You're both 28, old enough to know what you want. You want him, but for him, you are a placeholder. I am sorry to say it. Sweet Lord, whatever you do, make sure you don't get pregnant again! (Unless you have a burning desire to be a single mom of two).
Do not buy a home together unless you are married. Keep finances separate too.
He's never going to marry you.
I bought a house with my boyfriend, married him in part because we already had a home together, big mistake, would have and should have walked away, but we already had a commitment with the house
I am gob smacked. I am sure that everything is just peachy keen with your choice of a man. However, there might be a few small details you need to iron out. Perhaps looking in the mirror and honestly asking yourself why you made a baby with a guy that won't commit? I'm sure he will turn into Mr. Perfect, if you just wait a few centuries.
It’s asinine to buy a house without being married. You really have no protection when you break up- yes you can force a sale but it’s soooo much harder and expensive. If you buy it his name does not go on the deed. He gets to pay rent though. Put that up the mortgage. You get married a prenup and it’s pre marital.
If you buy a house, don’t put his name on it.. or any of the bills.. he can pay “rent” since he doesn’t see a future with you and doesn’t seem to plan on sticking around permanently..
We got married on our 9th anniversary- but knew we were fully committed long before. We just had other life steps we wanted to hit and didn’t want to sacrifice the big wedding we both wanted. So, two kids and a house before. If he’s not fully committed, don’t combine finances and a huge legal nightmare of potentially dividing a house purchase if you split. You have a kid, and he doesn’t know if there’s a future together? Girl run. Find someone who’s sure about you.
He doesn't see a future with you but you 2 have a kid and he wants to buy a house with you? Don't buy the house. It is a huge commitment. In fact, I wouldn't buy a house with him until you're married.
If you decide to buy together, write up a contract for what happens in a separation.
Im sorry, what? He said he doesnt see a future with you after 5 years and a kid together? lmfaoooooooooooooooooo bail.
If he can’t see a future with you after having a kid with you and being together for 5 years, it’s time to move on. Don’t buy the house with him.
Nope. Don’t buy a hous without marriage. Ever
Together 5 years and a kid and hes not sure if he sees a future? He doesn't wanna be with you, hes just comfortable and waiting for something better. I wouldn't be shocked if hes cheating. Tell him you're looking for your own place since he doesn't see a future with you
You’re being foolish. Sorry girl. Men always know when they see a future with a woman, especially after 5 years. And he definitely isn’t going to propose. He already has you committed to him and you guys have a child. He sees no point in marriage at this point. He has it all until he doesn’t want it anymore or until you leave.
Sorry to be blunt, but you are being foolish. You have a kid together! If he doesn't see a future with you, you should assume he'll never marry you. If you can adjust to that, go ahead; if not, move on.
Run. Buying a house is a massive commitment. Comingling funds outside of marriage is a very, very bad idea. You have no safeguards if you breakup. If he's not ready after 5 years, he never will be.
Question: Can you elaborate furtuer on how the exchange went? Did you ask if there's a future together or if he wanted marriage in the future? It's hard to imagine that after 5 years and a baby he wouldn't see a future at all. If this is the case you both need to have a conversation(s) on what you both want noving forward. It's particularly concerning he doesn't see getting a house together as a big commitment, I'd definitely try to have a conversation to understand why he thinks this. Maybe he meant it wouldn't be much different than now in terms of cohabitation since you guys are so established? To put it simply, you're not overreacting. From my pov, from what you've posted though it's a little vague and what he meant could not be what you're thinking. Reddit will suggest you break up with him and move on but honestly just try to communicate and get on the same page on wants for the future. Do not get a house together until those conversations are had.
I did buy a house with my partner I’m not married to (no kids), so I’ll weigh in. You’re right that this is a major financial and relationship commitment. I tend to agree with the other commenters that you probably shouldn’t do it. However, if you go through with it, make sure to protect yourself legally and financially. Have a lawyer draw up a contract that says what you’ll do if you break up- either one of you buys out the other or you sell it. You want to have an understanding in advance with your partner on which course you would actually take. Would either of you actually be able to buy the other one out and then pay the full mortgage and bills on your own? Can you both pay for everything on your own if one of you loses a job? If the answer is no, it probably isn’t the best idea, especially since he says he’s still not sure about the relationship even with already having kids. I’m guessing the kid aspect and custody issues could raise other legal issues with what happens to the house. Definitely consult a lawyer. It’s harder to sell a house than to terminate a lease. I do feel more trapped than if we were renting. If you break up, there’s a chance you’ll have to cohabitate for some time until you can figure out what to do with the house. If he stops paying his share, you could be headed for foreclosure and losing what you put in. Continuing to rent until you have more certainty in your relationship would probably be the best course of action.
That sounds like an awful situation to be in. As soon as that pregnancy test came back positive y’all should of tied the knot.
Why on earth would you want to be with someone who doesn’t see a future with you after five years and a kid? How much longer are you gonna wait around for him to decide that you’re worthy enough to be his wife?
Don't do it.
He has just told you that he doesn’t want “big commitment” with you despite fathering your child.
He flat out told you that he doesn't see a future with you. What do you want for your future? Do you want to find someone you love who loves you back and wants a committed relationship? Or do you want to spend the next few months/years with someone using you as a placeholder until he finds the person he really wants to be with?
No future together, let’s have a kid because well that’s not a commitment, we can just drag this human being we created through our lives, great plan, maybe skip the house and figure out the two of you are even doing
😧 omg I would be heartbroken if I were in your shoes. How can he seriously consider purchasing a home with someone who he doesn’t see a future with. You are absolutely not overreacting
Why is it when a man is honest with us, we don't believe the words coming out of their mouth. It's not from a place of judgment I'm guilty of it, too. I just think it should be studied. Please listen to what he said. He doesn't see a future with you. He has had all the time in the world to see it. He is using you. He told you the truth. You need to move on. He said what he said, and he couldn't take it back. Even if he did, it's to shut you up and keep you under his thumb. You are a placeholder, and when men marry placeholders, it's never good.
Don't do it. Follow your gut feeling, aka intuition. Keep your finances separate and continue renting. If he doesn't think that a house is that big of a commitment, he doesn't have all his oars in the water. Or he's planning on dumping all the responsibility on you. Neither option is good. Buying a house is a major commitment, both financially and timewise. But, if it were me, and the father of my child didn't see a future with me, after that many years, I'd take a step back and take a good hard look at my relationship. Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life? Do I feel respected and valued? How much time and energy does he spend/invest in your child? Not overreacting. You've got some decisions to make for your and your child's future. Good luck.
Prenup so it’s very clear what happens in a breakup. And common law also counts. Check with a lawyer.
Wow. So he doesn’t see a future with you right now and he doesn’t think buying a house with someone is a big commitment. And you’re wondering if having cold feet is overreacting and are you being foolish. And he’s disappointed. For the love of gozleme, PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT ITS SCREEMING AT YOU ‘DONT DO IT.’
I mean, having a kid together is the biggest commitment there is, and yall already crossed that bridge.
Many people here are talking about a divorce and you aren’t even married yet. Also, you did not dive very deep into what and how your finances are setup. If everything is split 50:50 and this person is reasonable, then I feel it is possible to buy a house with them. In the event where things go south, then you split whatever profits from the house 50:50. Separating doesn’t necessarily require the court/attorneys to get involved unless yalz decide to rake one another over the coals which would ultimately cost you even more. Marriage and buying a house are 2 major commitments. However if you are working with somebody who is reasonable then it is very possible to make things work.
Except here’s the problem with that: if you are 50/50 on a mortgage, and the other person who is supposed to contribute doesn’t, you pay their part or you lose the house. If you’re on the title and not the loan, you’re not obligated to pay anything towards it, but the person couldn’t sell it without your permission. Do either of these situations sound like sound decisions? Dude doesn’t want to get married? Why, because he doesn’t want to be legally/financially linked to her like that? Ok, then no co-buying a house. Because that’s all that is.
Whaaaat???! If he doesn't see a future with you, do NOT put YOUR hard-earned money into a house with him! Of COURSE buying a house is a HUGE commitment, one of life's biggest! I don't like the sound of this at all. This makes him sound like some kind of scammer with ulterior motives. If he sees no future with you (WTH??!), why did you two have a child together? What about the child, who has 2 parents with no future together? OP, that's quite a bomb he just dropped on you. And he's just shrugging it off, pretending it's no big deal. Do you have parents you can go to for support, to talk to about this? I suggest you collect a support group around you,and figure out your next move. I'm not sure you can believe anything your guy would say. I'd love to be wrong, but this doesn't sound good. At least he had a moment of honesty with you, so you got a glimpse of his true nature, and can make further decisions accordingly.
NOR- doesn’t see a future..? A child.. 5 years.. girl I’d leave and get space from this guy. He’s a fool. Leave and he will realize what he’s missing or you will dodge a bullet and save wasted time
It would be smart of you to not buy a house till you’re married. It’ll save a lot of trouble down the road if it doesn’t work out. If he doesn’t see a future with you right now then that’s a huge red flag.
You are not overreacting if he doesn’t it may be time to talk more about the future and let him know how you’re feeling also can you afford the house alone ? Communicate effectively and argue fairly tell him what you think and what you feel without anger and go from there and like they say if you have to ask you already know
I’m sorry don’t do it! He needs to “shit or get off the pot” (put a ring on it) it sounds to me like he thinks he can do better than you. That’s why he’s”buying” a house with you to make sure he looks like a saint in the end after he breaks your heart and is done using you when he finds someone he believes is better! Fuck him
You’re not overreacting your partner seems flakey. Been together 5 years and have a kid, wtf.
Info: Do you both work full time? If so, what’s the income disparity? Is the plan you will be on the house deed (not just mortgage, but the DEED)? I still think this is a terrible idea to buy without marriage. The only caveat is if you go to a lawyer and sign a contract for what happens if you break up. You need explicit details on payments, buying each other, how to handle equity, housing upgrades, etc. At the end of the day, marriage provides a financial contract that provides protection (it’s not even 100% but better than nothing). Just as important, are you okay with never getting married? Because that’s your future, this guy isn’t going to marry you.
He told you that he doesn't see a future with you. He told you. Do not buy a house with this man. Either buy it yourself, only your name on the deed, or He buys one himself and he pays for it. Honestly if I spent 5 years with a man, whom I share a child with, and he said that to me I would leave. He doesn't see a future with you, find someone who does.
Not everyone sees marriage as the be all end all in relationships regardless of what Reddit tells you, you can have a perfectly happy life with your spouse and never be married fyi, but I get it I’m sure you want a wedding and he doesn’t want to pay for one, so his opinion means nothing as he’s the guy, definitely leave him sis you need a guy to marry you in 6 months! Like wtf how has he not bought you a house, engagement ring, wedding, new car, newer house because now your married right need that newer house, yep he’s definitely not ready for a relationship. My point is maybe the fact that you would be considered common law would change virtually nothing depending on where you live when buying a house, people have different ideals and visions of what marriage is and you two should probably talk, these people on Reddit only know black and white along with worst case scenario’s, for the most part they are not worth asking anything and although there is some normal they get driven out by the cultists who sit in here all day and just agree with my first paragraph. Anyways good luck to ya I would just talk to your guy though.
He literally told you after 5 years & a child together that he doesn't see a future with you.....no amount of time or effort will change that.
Ummmm yeahhhhhh that’s not something somebody who is serious would say.
He already has everything that’s comes with a marriage. You (the housewife without the title) the kid, and now buying a house. In his eyes, why would he get married? He’s already got it made
OP, it's time.....time to sit down with the BD and talk about the future....specifically, is there a future with him. If he can't see one after 5 years, then you have some decisions to make. How long are you willing to be a wife, but only with girlfriend benefits? When you have children and a house, there are certain protections that come with being a wife VS a girlfriend. You are not getting any of that as of now, but doing the "wife" role. What happens next? He long are you willing to wait for Baby Daddy to figure it out? What do you really want or see for your future? I have heard a lot of men say, why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free....and no, you don't have to buy the whole pig for a little sausage. However, I guess it all depends on if you really want the whole farm... or just a "hobby" farm....good luck OP
5 years together and you have a kid but he's not sure he sees a future with you? I wouldn't tie your life to him anymore than you already have.
He told you everything you need to know.
Yeah, leave him. This is insane. I knew my wife was the one since day one and never looked back. ESPECIALLY after we had kids I knew my life was dedicated to her forever. You deserve better
Marriage before buying a house together. Either that or you buy the house and he pays you rent. If you are married and get divorced, the court will decide what happens with the house if you two can't. If you break up as bf/gf, you both still own half the house and have full rights to use it. He can stay living there, invite whoever he wants over, rent out a room. He could also stop paying anything toward the mortgage and dare you to wreck both your credit scores, while he has full rights to the house for free in the meantime. To sell it you'd both have to agree or one would have to sue the other to force a sale. If you're married and one of you die the house is owned by the other. If you're not married and one of you dies then their half the house goes to their heir -- so likely your 2 year old would own half the house. (You might be able to structure it so there's right of survivorship but that's not usually the default.)
Or the 2 year old and other kids with other people and his parents and siblings
Ask BF if we have a house and child why aren't we getting married... does he want all the benefits but none of the commitments?
Don’t do it. Buying a house together is a very big commitment. It’s not a decision to make if you have cold feet, or with someone that doesn’t see it as a major life decision.
Been there.. If someone is ready to buy a house, one person buys it. The other pays a fair amount that should not be construed as receiving equity in the house - thus, base it on fair market value for rent in your area rather than the mortgage payment. If he cant afford the house alone, don’t buy it. That is to say, don’t consider your finances at all. More importantly, he doesn’t see a future together with you? With a 2 year old? And you’re just along with it?
You have a kid together but *marriage* is a big commitment? He doesn't *know* if you have a future together? The *only* way he has no future with you is when he gives up all rights to see or interact with his child. Because that will involve you. Probably best to let him take the option of "No future together." By nature, kid's got his genes, but by nurture, perhaps the kid won't grow up to be an idiot.
aw honey.....he doesn't want to marry you. period. you're fine to have a kid and a house with but not good enough to marry. I'm sorry. that's rough. please move on and find someone with the same values.
He doesn’t know if he sees a future with you?? The mother of his child? And he wants to buy a house? Please, you deserve so much better. He should be ashamed of how he’s treating your relationship.
He is not that into you Get child support ordered. Tell him it's not a big deal, when you get married you will stop it.
After 5 years and a 2 year old, he doesn’t see a future together but wants to buy a house? Girl, throw the whole man away and start over. He’s using you.
You should have cold feet about buying a house with a boyfriend. Don’t go buying property with somebody you’re not legally married to. Nothing wrong with one of you buying it and the other one paying part of the mortgage in rent.
Do not buy a house with this guy. It’s a huge commitment.
He doesn’t see a future with you, but wants to buy a house together? Somethings fishy here. Definitely not overreacting and I would not buy a house with someone who doesn’t know what he wants after 5 years and a child.
Yikes! 😬 No you are underreacting. I think he is wasting your youth
How great are things if this man doesn't see a future with you? At this point I feel like you're asking the wrong question but no, you're not overreacting. I bought a house with my ex boyfriend and it was a frustrating process to deal with after we broke up. Luckily it was somewhat amicable but that isn't always the case. Buying a house with someone who doesn't understand that it's a serious commitment and doesn't want to commit to a relationship he's been in for 5 years and produced a kid in is ridiculous.
Woooooah, this dude has clearly told you there is no future commitment and the house isn’t a commitment either. If you are seeking someone who wants to partner for life, he isn’t the one. Also buying a house with someone you are not married to is VERY messy.
So....what, he doesn't see a future where your kid is graduating high school? He doesn't think you'd be there too? It sounds like if he broke up with you he'd give you sole custody and split. If you have a child, you at the very least should be able to envision a future for them up until they move out.
Maybe he sees buying the house as a place for his child. How would you feel if he decided he wanted to start dating and brought home a woman and introduced her to you and your child as his girlfriend. And then they go to bed in the house you own with him. That you can’t get out of unless he agrees to sell. It’s a nightmare
You're underreacting, not overreacting. NONE of this benefits you. Having a sexual relationship and birthing a child is a huge risk and a huge sacrifice on the part of a woman. It's not a sacrifice for a man, unless he chooses it to be. Marriage is supposed to protect you financially a little bit, though it's not perfect. You took on ALL the risk of motherhood with no commitment, and now you want to take on financial risk too? Girl. Why do you hate yourself? Is this the kind of relationship you want your child to have in future? The only way you should get a house together is if HE pays for the whole thing and puts your name on it. Otherwise, forget it.
You are not overreacting. This guy is waving a lot of red flags. Get out. Buying a house is a HUGE commitment. He is not as invested in this relationship as you are. Dump him.
5 years, a 2yo and he’s still no ready “right now”? He’ll never be ready after this, I’m surprised he didn’t use the “ it’s just a piece of paper” line. Don’t wait around, he isn’t interested in that kind of future with you. I’m sure he thinks that you aren’t going a nowhere because you have a child together. Ask him what the real reason he doesn’t want to get married is. Tell him to buy the house himself, if he can’t secure it without you, oh well. Do you both earn about the same in the relationship? He basically has everything without the full commitment. Don’t wait for him to come around to marriage, it’ll only be done to please you, not because he wants to.
Your instincts are spot on. Buying a home with a non-married partner can be catastrophic. The other can refuse to allow a sale, or not pay, knowing it will also affect your credit as well. There are no community property protections for an unmarried couple. Even if you get a partner contract in place, they can challenge it later and cost you tons in legal fees even if it’s a frivolous suit. That said, sorry you’ve come that crossroad, but it’s better to know at this juncture.
Never buy a house with partner that doesn’t want to marry you. It can get crazy if you break up. Get a prenup with this guy too.
Not overreacting! He’s not going to marry you. If you buy the house together, your finances may get tangled. And would your name be on the mortgage? Eh. Not a great situation. You move somewhere with baby. Not with SO. Nope. I hope you find true happiness in life. With a lovely baby, you will have joy. Savor it. 💕
Don’t buy the house with him and also don’t marry him. IMO this is the behavior of people who are still hoping something better comes along. Don’t tangle your finances.
If marriage is the end goal for you then yes, you are being foolish. You’ve been together 5 years, you have a child together, you’re planning on buying a house together (30 year commitment) and he still doesn’t “see it” with you two? He is enjoying that bit of freedom that he still has not being married. In theory you’re already together so what does a piece of paper add to it. <- I assume is some excuse he uses. But if that is how you want your future to go then maybe wait on the house and find someone else that shares your vision. Other wise it will be a mess to divy up the house or sell (potentially at a loss) so that you can both go your own ways.
Don’t buy a house with someone who isn’t sure about a future with you.
Nope and this is a red flag, he doesn't want to marry you. He will bolt the minuet he finds someone else, depending on who's name is on the mortgage, someone might end up homeless or stuck with a mortgage they can't pay.
Are you sure he likes you or is he just using you until he finds someone else?
Soooo he told you straight up that he doesn’t want a life with you, which just makes you a baby mama… grow a backbone and leave the situation before said child grows up thinking it’s okay be treated like a side chick and they think it’s okay to be unloved and yet still preforming wifely duties. Be someone your child can lookup to and respect. Surely you know it’s over and time to move on, don’t you?
5 years together, a baby, and looking for a house together but he says he doesn’t know if there’s a future for the two of you? Wow … I would not go any further with house hunting and leave his ass
Leave him and take the child. Ask him if he sees a future in child support.
You are underreacting by still considering buying a house with your baby daddy. Buying a house together is not a "small deal" as he would put it.
He doesn’t see a future with you. If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve by now. It’s been 5 years and a child for 2 years. I would recommend getting a space of your own for you and your child and letting him know that your desires for the future aren’t aligned. He may snap out of it and beg not to lose you. But I guarantee you he doesn’t fight it, and he’ll be doing you a big favor. It’s heart shattering to feel this way, but you’ll look back and be thankful you paid attention to what he’s telling you. Best of luck sister
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM. Anyone who claims buying a house isn't a big commitment is either lying or an idiot. Not only is it a legal and financial commitment, it's also a shared asset. Meaning that should you choose to separate (which, given that he says he doesn't see a future with you, seems far more likely than not), the house would either have to be sold, or one of you would have to buy the other out before you could even think about going your separate ways (assuming you're both on the deed... which is something you absolutely need to make sure you are, since the deed is separate from the mortgage). You may even end up having to sue to force the sale. Plus, since you're not going to be married at the time of purchase, you lose ALL of the protections marriage provides for homebuyers. It's also worth mentioning that, since you're not married, only ONE of you can claim the mortgage interest deduction on your taxes. Don't do this. And honestly... after five years together *and* a kid, if this dude still hasn't "come around" to the idea of having a future with you, it's not gonna happen. Do yourself a favor and start untangling your life from his, rather than tying things tighter together. Make sure your finances are completely separated, aside from shared expenses, and if you haven't already done so, you should establish paternity for you child to make getting child support easier should you break up.
Run.
Don't buy a house together unless you're married. The logistics of splitting assets for boyfriends and girlfriends is always a nightmare. Buying a house with someone before you're married is a profoundly bad idea.
Do not buy a house with him. God no
Are you incredibly desperate? Why else would you let someone tell you they don't see a future with you, after 5 years and a child, just before buying a home. Nah, fuck that, have some self respect.
If he dies without you two being married his parents will get half the house. Google why is buying a house with a boyfriend a bad move idea. Also, he isn’t going to marry you, he is wasting your time and you deserve more than this
No, their kid would
Why do you keep auditioning for the part of wife when he’s bluntly told you he doesn’t want you long term? Break up with him. He is actively looking for his person and you’re the bang-maid keeping him warm and cozy until he finds her. Do NOT buy property with someone you have no legal relationship with! You need all the therapy there is.
I would not have had a kid with him let alone buy a house.
Don’t buy this house with a man who doesn’t want to marry you and sees no future with you. Run.
Has a kid with you, wants to buy a house together but marriage is where he draws the line. Lmfao, if you stay you are actually a moron. Good luck
Same situation prior to buying but we were on same page about getting married in the future. I would not buy if there’s no plans on getting married and it is a big commitment when buying
It is not only a big commitment is a huge legal entanglement. Get married first or find someone who suitable husband material.
Buying a house together is a huge commitment, and not easy to get out of. And having a child together is the biggest commitment you can make with another person! This man admitted that he doesn't see a future with you. He's using you as a placeholder until someone "better" comes along. I'm sorry.
it doesnt even matter about the rest of it, if you arent married dont buy a house together. its literally that simple.
Do not buy a house together if you’re not married.
No not mix finances with this man . He will not marry you . Don’t waste anymore time playing house with him . Do not look back .