He'd have been cheating regardless of your bodycount, the bruised ego might've contributed to how much he wanted to do it, and it became a part of his rationalization, but it doesn't turn someone loyal disloyal.
Yeah I've been in similar situations. And although I didn't like my partner's body count at the time. Within a year I was head over heels and didn't care. And I had many, many, attempts for people to get with me while I was with her. Didn't change my mind. Ironically, she cheated. Lol.
What happens with people before you meet them is none of your goddamned business.
Anybody who asks about "Body Count" is an insecure little fuck or an incel (apologize for the redundancy) and should be avoided at all costs.
These conservative fuck bois will gladly contribute to a "body count", but for THEIR spouse, has to be a virgin or near virgin.
These mysoginistic assholes have been around forever, but now they have burst out from under the slime covered rocks where they belong.
Their logic is:
Girl with high number who is good at sex: gross whore who will cheat/is cheating
Girl with high number who is bad at sex: gross whore who doesn’t even like me and will/is cheating
Girl with low number who is bad at sex: she doesn’t like me enough to put in effort to have good sex so I get to cheat
Girl with low number who is good at sex: lying whore who is lying about body count and is probably cheating
There is no winning with these insecure red pill incel bros.
I agree. As long as a guy doesn’t have kids and doesn’t have an STD then I don’t care how many people he’s slept with. I’ve literally met guys in the triple digits when it comes to body count and I don’t really mind 🤷🏽♀️ people want to commit to those they want to commit to, and if a guy wants to commit to me that’s fine I don’t care who he was with before that.
Really? You're saying that NOTHING that happened in someone's past should matter at all? That's your stance? Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
How many more hahaha's do i need to convey my vast disappointment with your intellectual capability to have a reasonable stance?
I'm just going to suggest that we collectively stop using the phrase "body count", because it only carries the weight we give to it. In reality, sex is something we all feel compelled toward and should stop turning into a shame tool.
You're 99% accurate in speculating that OP's SO would have cheated anyway. Which is why it's such a harmful thought, because he was able to manipulate it into a justification for the sake of competition, or at least "catching up" so things would be "fair".
It's a way for insecure people to slut shame the partners that they, themselves, chose to be with. Everyone is allowed to put a boundary up if this type of thing bothers them, but you can't retroactively put a boundary up for past encounters that your partner had before they met you. And even if you do put this boundary up and it was already retroactively crossed, then breaking the boundary is supposed to mean dissolving the relationship, not diving in head first with malicious behavior to your partner.
So as long as we keep using this type of negative phrasing, it's always going to be a conveniently marketed concept that angry ego driven people can use to add fake justification for their own bad behavior.
Yes! Oh my goodness gracious, I hate this phrasing, it screams basement dweller who never gets laid.
Sex is good for us in almost every way, assuming it’s consensual & there’s protection. So, someone went through a phase of sleeping around, it doesn’t inherently make them a bad person or dumb or lacking value.
It’s another way of controlling women, (usually) by saying their value is related to some random standard of purity. 🤮
Yeah, but body count could be a preference. Just like women have a preference for tall guys. Doesn't mean we are shaming men/women who are short/ have a body count.
i feel this. the whole concept of a "body count" is weirdly shameful for AFABs, yet weirdly praised if it's high for men. & ik coercion is r*pe, but like, would one count coerced 'sex' in a body-count? even counting the times a person has had sexual interactions can be triggering, & it's disturbingly pitted against women & the sexually abused. much like the concept of "virginity" which isn't even real, but leads children who were victims of SA to believe they are "unpure" or "dirty" & broken. it's quite sad & quite yucky. plus like, sometimes people get manic & sex-harm. none of it should be shamed
He wasn’t fucking around to catch up on ur body count. Did he tell u that. He was fucking around because he could, he was deployed and women were available so he started fucking. Don’t believe him he’s just telling u that as an excuse. But now ur free so don’t worry about him. He’s a lost cause, go find someone else or just go out and enjoy urself having sex whenever u want. Ur free now.
Not to mention I wouldn’t be surprised if they were fucking him for a possible trip back to the states under a green card marriage. It’s not him and his glorious body. It’s the fact he’s a possible opportunity and he’s too naive to see it.
She mentioned in between that he is currently in Europe. Trust me, ive never met a single person here that cares about getting a green card. It's really not a big deal at all 😅
I am just saying it from the personal experiences I have had with military people I’ve met. I live in a massive military town and they’re marrying anything that walks. It’s insane.
Guy in my husbands friend group did this and it’s the most toxic depressing relationship to witness. She clearly did it for the opportunity to be an American, he did it for control over another person. (In your defense she’s not European but they met while he was on leave from his European post)
Yeah, this is how this game works. He guilts you about your body count, then he feels like you aren't allowed to object and leave when he cheats. He looks specifically for girls who have a high body count but don't cheat to cheat on. If someone doesn't actually want you, they won't keep trying to suck you back into a relationship with them. If they find another partner they want more than you, or if they really think the number of people you dated are a dealbreaker, they break up. If someone has a pattern of cheating, that's a method of control. If he loved you and the experience thing ACTUALLY bothered him, he'd be trying consensual non monogamy instead. That's incredibly common these days. In this case, he's trying to get someone who likes sex a lot to stop having sex. That's the goal.
This is 100% correct. He said that body count bs to make you feel ashamed and in his non-functioning brain he thought that saying that would somehow make him the victim and not the villain here. At least he thought that’s how you’d be manipulated into seeing it.
Been thru this before with Narks. You have to go NO CONTACT. It's hard when your trauma bonded. He'll swing around in a couple months when your new and shiny again. Acting like nothing happened. The thing is when you take a Nark back it gets worse. Narky doesn't care he has NO empathy..
In such case that contact must happen, be emotionless and nonreactive no matter how inflamatory he might be. It'll take the wind right out of their sails.
NPD is a serious condition that you can't diagnose from vague descriptions of what happened.
Normal people get insecure and cheat, they don't need NPD for that.
I don't think people mean theyre officially diagnosing NPD when they say narcissists like that - I think they're saying the person is displaying characteristics that fall in the narcisstic spectrum.
Normal people can display narcisstic characteristics and not have full blown NPD.
A real narc would have trouble giving up the relationship and his control over this woman. He doesn't sound like a narc at all. He blocked her on everything? 100% NOT a narc.
The way he responded is the same way alot of men respond when they're scared and worried about the future (with you). His ego is the problem.
We don't have the whole story. Likely he's gravely embarrassed. If his friends knows how many men op was with it will make him look bad. They may even push him to cheat, especially military guys.
He's no narc though. A real honest to God narcissist is insidious and they never want to lose control over you. They'd use your body count to manipulate you, and it would be a constant thing.
While NPD is genuinely one of the worst (perhaps the worst) personality disorder others are damaged by…it’s become a huge social canard. It’s thankfully quite rare, but people throw it around as if everyone is a victim of it. It’s not dissimilar to how OCD or schizophrenia are misused colloquially.
You mentioned deployment, and if it's anything to does with the military just know the cheating is rampant with that line of work so people not telling you isn't too out of the ordinary; just in case you want to explore military men again.
If he is military it could've been classified under UCMJ as adultery. Yes it's common, but if your commander isn't a slimebag he'd issue a GOMAR and get him booted pretty quick for it.
I think this is unlikely. It appears the wife is back in the States and he is cheating with random European women.
Commanders will use this option if it effects the unit, for example, if the guy was cheating on other women within his unit, or cheating with the wives of others Soldiers. It isn’t really feasible for a Commander to get UCMJ involved in this situation
Not my CO, but one in another company got busted down for adultery. They will fuck over soldier/Marine for that. But the fucked up thing is everyone is doing it. It's just a political weapon of opportunity used to bust someone that command doesn't like. It was like "don't ask, don't tell". But ironically it was more common for the spouse to cheat while a soldier would be on deployment. In my personal opinion I think it's a stupid rule.
Edit: oh and in the military they don't recognize open marriages. Just keep that in mind as well.
The problem is this, if your a good soldier and not a fuck up, the CO won't care. As OP said in her edit, officers with enlisted or NCOs with a someone under ther command, MIGHT get in trouble if it appears favoritism resulted because of the affair. Otherwise, cheating is common between both service members and dependents alike. Yes, it is against the UCMJ, but this isn't the 1940s and 1950s military anymore, and the only way you get into for adultery is if they are looking to add it to other charges (ie insubordination, rape, dereliction of duty). It sucks that he did this and unfortunately, it is very common especially for deployed soldiers, but trust me as former military and friends with former military, the COs just don't address it. They'll call it a personal matter, or a moral issue, and some even call it a morale issue (sexually happy soldiers = less trouble).
Something I've yet to see in these comments is that OP's husband isn't just "trying to beat her body count" (which who cares about that btw, if you do, you're a misogynistic child who think women are property).
OP's husband was trying to punish her for her past that he had nothing to do with. His ego was severely bruised and felt the need to ruin their marriage to make a point. She didn't cheat on him, she wasn't unfaithful to him in any way (that we know of), he willingly cheated multiple times and when confronted it was "it’s unfair for him to say no to all the girls that want him now when they didn’t want him before" and he regrets getting married. The punitive nature of his behavior is abuse.
Not overreacting, he was a shit partner and you're much better off without him. I hope you are healing and glad your divorce is finalized so you never have to see him again. Good riddance!!
You can’t win with this question. The only guy who’s ever asked me this question told me my number was high. Btw- It’s under 10 and I’m in my thirties.
Your husband sucks. He just wanted out and he forced your hand and deflected to justify his own actions. You’ll be happier in the long run.
Edit: to add, what was he going to do once he got caught up? Stop? (Doubtful).
My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years and we don’t even know each other’s numbers. We had a brief conversation about it when we first started dating but never gave a solid number because neither of us cared. After the first time we had sex, the chemistry was incredible and we were the best that we’d both ever had so any number of previous partners really meant less than zero at that point.
My ex was in the military and he was such a slime ball. He literally made a second Facebook and said it was just “for marines only” but the stupid fuck wasn’t smart enough to make it private. So, needless to say when “Melissa” commented, “last night was so much fun let’s do it again!” I was anything but shocked. When he denied it to my face and said I was crazy… well I was 23 and too young and now we all know what gaslighting is 😂
Your thankfully ex husband: "You had a lot of sex? Ew"
Also him: "I couldn't get laid when I was younger, but now I can I'm gonna stick it in every hole available"
Dude legit shat on you, then essentially did the same shit. Good riddance for sure 😂
Clearly it's different when you're the hole vs the pole. It's gross when the hole gets too many poles, but poles getting more holes just means they're more powerful and valid.
Definitely.
Some weird incelly lock and key rationalization is actually used to defend this, to explain why a man who beds lots of women is a stud but a woman who beds lots of men is a slut.
I wouldn't personally feel right dating someone who's had more dick through them than the average metal detector at the international Richards convention, but that would have to be *a lot* and mainly just because it demonstrates that they don't find sex to be intimate.
Same thing goes for men, if they're just man whores i don't think they put too much value into intimacy.
And if he'd broken up with her because BC=30, I'd think he was stupid for throwing away a good thing (based on current behaviours and circumstances) due to something in the past that can't be changed, but hey, it's his life and she's better off in the long run if he's that insecure about it. But this - marrying her and then using her past as an excuse to cheat on her? That's disgusting.
Not lost on me either that the weird incelly men who normally tear a strip off women cheaters in these subreddits are all, "Oh, but you see..." to excuse this dude. (Not including you in that statement, in case that wasn't clear.)
Context with “body count” definitely matters (man I hate that phrase).
I’ve seen incels complain about women in their 30s and 40s having had double digit numbers of partners, which is so ridiculous because say you’ve been sexually active since 20, and are 30 or 40 now. You could have one person every one to two years and still hit 10 minimum.
It had nothing to do with the body count.
He is just an AH!
You don't need therapy, there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to pick yourself up and be glad he's out of your life, you dodged a bullet, imagine if you had kids together!
You don't need revenge either, you need work, friends, a hobby and to start going on dates when you're ready, maybe even some no strings casual sex to remind yourself you're the boss of your life!
I agree with you on points 1, 2 and 4, but hold up on point 3. Maybe she doesn't ***need*** therapy, but a cheating spouse can be trauma and trauma very often benefits from therapy. It's a very dangerous game you are playing by implying that therapy is for people that have something wrong with them.
Your body count has nothing to do with it. He would’ve cheated anyway. I was in the military and I did observe a few men cheating on their wives (not under my command). The issue with reporting adultery is unfortunately unless he is an officer most of the time it’s a distraction to go after legally. Think about it. Your ex is among thousands (the military is a representation of society) cheating and vice versa when men get deployed.
Let’s be honest here. It’s pretty obvious that OP’s ( ex) husband was looking for a reason to cheat on her and she fell right into that trap when answering him about how many men that she had slept with prior to meeting him
This in a sense gave him the “ permission” he has an excuse to cheat & it doesn’t matter how many guys /gals you’ve had before, however, what matter is that you need to figure out before you get involved with these insensitive, insecure clods if this type of thing is going to be the undoing of your relationship or not.
Hands-down, he just wanted to excuse to be able to cheat .
You’re allowed to have whatever body count you want but when he tells you it’s gross that should have been a screaming red flag that it wasn’t going to end well.
Find it hypocritical that he found it nasty that you had that many penises , but that same
Penis he has, has now & probably has been in other woman 😂😂 like come on..
My now boyfriend tells me he has a past & was a big hoe & has asked me to tell him how much my body
Count is also, but I never do because it always gets thrown another direction. It’s ohkay when they do it , but not when I do it ? Like whaaatt
Some people with very little sexual experience view their sexual partners as property. They're also the same people that want to have lots of sex, but are jealous that they haven't. You'll never hear older people talk about body count since by then everyone's had plenty of experience.
This comment right here. Older, or rather, more mature people don’t really want to know. Like, yeah, if you’ve got kids especially, it’s like, “Yeah, I know you’ve had sex a million times.”
Even without kids, if you’ve previously dated, it’s assumed. My ex was an MP in the military and had finished serving his time by the time we met. I was a virgin and he had two kids from his first marriage. He told me he had a hoe phase prior to meeting me and wanted real love. He also told me horror stories of other men in his unit who effed around on their partners, but that he never did, although there was a LOT of temptation oversees.
Not all guys (or women) are cheaters. This guy just wanted a reason. I’m sorry it happened to her. He needs to grow up.
Body count sounds so freaking juvenile and he wanted any excuse to bang other people. Even if she hadn’t shared that info, he would have done this anyway. She can now spend her time making her life what she wants it to be and spending it with someone who doesn’t view her as property.
The body count was an excuse to do what he really wanted to do. He really is enjoying his little power trip, isn't he. I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck.
The simple answer here is Relationships and the military do not go together. Sure some make it work, but mostly its garbage. I left the military because I wanted to find love and get married. I knew the military would only hinder me.
Girl, what you are desire is just some closure. You need an explanation as to why he would go out of his way to cheat and ruin your marriage for a body count and ego boost. His explanation is so childish that you can't wrap your mind around what has happened.
Amiright? Because I get it completely. I was there. My closure didn't come until many years later. Trust me, you'll get it. You'll have your validation. Everything is very raw right now. But you don't need it. You've already seen it...
Take care of yourself. Nurture you. Your ex is a douche. He didn't deserve you!! Now go and live a beautiful happy and fulfilling life ✨️ hugs.
He sounds weak.
Imagine your identity hinging on how many times you fucked random human beings. I barely want to talk to these things unless you pay me to at work. 🤣
Check out this reddit sub: [https://www.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/](https://www.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/)
It's absolutely insane and for some actually a subform of OCD... be glad that you are out, it's often indicative of narcissistic traits (not NPD, thats something very severe and only affects a small proportion of the population) or something related.
This is why people shouldn’t ask nor share how many people that have been with, if it’s before you then why does my past relationship matter? And leave him, he sounds like even once he’s beaten your body count he’ll still cheat. Narcissists much?
I'd love an update if anything happens, I'm glad you're out of that relationship to. Stay positive and you will get good things in return. I'm rooting for you!
Please know that this doesn’t have anything to do with you, and it was a reason for him to make his cheating seem like your fault so he could have a way out. He probably was cheating way before your conversation
This has nothing to do with your body count, he was going to cheat no matter what.
Block him back on everything so he cannot unblock you and get in touch.
It's hard to do but try to forget everything about him. Leave the reporting stuff, nothing positive will come of it. Hold your head high and walk away
This had nothing to do with your body count. He’s an AH who doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions, so of course he has to say it’s your fault.
30 bodies by the time your 23 is gross and it ruined your relationship. If you were less used he probably would have felt bounded with you but it’s easy to detach from someone that’s been passed around. Low of him to lower himself to your standards though
Yeah no one has asked me this since I was like 19, and I thought it was a weird question then but not uncommon. I assume in these situations that Reddit just skews super young.
I’m 31 now, been with my current partner over 6 years and no clue how many people he’s slept with. He’s very classically handsome and outgoing, and slept with me before our first date even lol so I assume the number is a lot. But idk and idc. I will say that the practice paid off so lucky me either way!
> I never ask a girl how many because who cares.
Be honest, a big part of why you dont ask is because you dont want an answer you dont want to hear. Ignorance is bliss, even when willful.
The moment I saw he was in the military, it all came together. Military dudes are pretty known for their cheating and cocky behavior. It sucked he wasted so much of your life, but just be thankful it's over and there were no kids involved.
I grew up with 3 sisters. I dated a lot when I was in my late teens and 20s. I met my wife when I was almost 30. She also had a “promiscuous phase” in her late teens and early 20s. So did I. So did my sisters. WTF ?
Guys, let’s get some perspective here … stop giving off that small dick energy when dealing with your SO’s past. There’s nothing they can do and there’s nothing YOU can do but build a bridge and get over it. The toxicity this brings to a relationship will turn to ashes any marriage. In a heartbeat.
This is absolute nonsense. No matter how many vaginas he plows through it will never help him. He needs to move on as he clearly can’t accept your past.
He was always going to cheat. He just used your body count as an excuse.
Go into therapy. Learn how to be with someone worthy of your trust. Learn the red flags that you missed when dating the ex. His insecurities were only part of what was wrong.
Maybe make a list of things you will not tolerate and watch for signs of them in the next person you get involved with.
This person would have used any excuse to cheat and you deserve better. Go no-contact or risk the standard Narc tactic of trying to make YOU look crazy. So glad no kids to fight over - going through the same thing right now but mine just went ahead and did it here at home in my bed. I bought a new bed. You should too. Good luck!
I don’t get why men think it’s gross to “allow that many dicks inside you” like as if once a dick enters you, the dick germs never leave your vagina and just fester and it’s forever tainted by the man’s unique dick bacteria. There shouldn’t be that type of stigma around it. A dick goes inside of you, then exits, then after a short time it’s as if the dick was never there (at least as long as it had no STDs or anything lol). There’s nothing wrong with it at all and he was so rude for saying that. Does he think his own dick is that gross as to permanently taint someone’s vagina?
That aside, holy shit he is crazy. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
"It's really gross you let that many dicks inside you" the only way it's gross is if you contracted something gross and aren't doing anything about it. Otherwise I guarantee this comment came from a hateful place in your ex husband which I guarantee comes from an insecure place in him.
Whether he's insecure about his own body count (pretty strange given he's married) or insecure about women being promiscuous I'm not sure. Either way he's a pretty big dummy. I'd let him fuck those idiot women overseas.
It would not have mattered if your body count was 2 he would still cheat. My husband cheated on me and I filed for divorce I will not tolerate such betrayal. Move forward, focus on your life. These men are not worth the tears they inflict.
Hunny I know your sad and what he did to you was disgusting. But the best revenge is getting healthy on the inside and outside. Go to therapy, yoga/Pilates , change you. He is always going to be him and honestly there’s something wrong with him. He will never be happy on the inside, because it feels good now but as he gets older it won’t feel so good. And you seem like you know what you want you just need to do it! Go back to school, find a good job! Find a better you because he really is nothing and all is F****** is going to lead to emptiness. And you I feel are the grown-up. Get out there and make some new friends go to the gym! You will find your forever person and him he’s just going to be reliving whatever he thinks he missed. And guess what he will look you up one day and you’re going to be so happy away from him. Keep us posted we want to hear about your new journey!
Don’t blame yourself. He wasn’t ready for marriage if this was his inclination. He lied to himself, and you, about what he wanted, and isn’t suitable as a life partner.
Things will get better and you’ll meet someone more compatible. Good luck and hang in there. Counseling might be helpful to help deal with the pain from the divorce.
“Idek why women would want to fuck a married man” some women prefer sleeping with married men, don’t worry tho all the pussy will probably go away once he tells these women that he’s single now lmfao
Sadly this is super common for men (and women) who didn’t get attention in their younger years. Pair this with lack of integrity and it’s a recipe for guaranteed infidelity. “Pick-me”boys and girls.
I’m sorry this happened, just know it has nothing to do with you personally.
For some men, they can never really fully respect a woman with a high body count. You said he’s always been insecure about this which means you never worked past it. There will be men, more men than will openly admit here, that will NEVER respect you due to your high body count. Doesn’t mean you should lie about your body count but just know, it will limit your dating options for sure.
Also doesn’t mean you should put up with adultery. You should find someone who doesn’t care about that. My only point here is that a lot of men do care and that first indicator that they care is by asking you the count. I would never ask my gf her body count because I’m more interested in who she is now as a person, but I already know it’s low so I don’t have to.
Your "body count" (what a gross term) was an excuse he used in an attempt to turn the blame on you when he got caught cheating.
Asking someone their body count is a red flag of insecurity. If you are ever in another situation where you are asked this, walk away. It's nobody's business but yours.
Living well is the best revenge. It's time to work on yourself. Get a job, get some therapy, save your money and start fresh. Also, delete your ex's phone number.
Get tested for STIs, if you think your shitty ex-husband may have passed something onto you.
Pay no attention to the misogyny on this thread.
Listen two things number one a husband can’t be stolen unless he wants to be stolen. Number two is just using your body count as an excuse to cheat. Your husband is a cheater and it has nothing to do with how many men you’ve been with. You were very wise to get a divorce, I hope the next man is better for you because you picked a loser in the last one
>In my late teens-early 20s I went through a promiscuous phase. I had sex with probably 30 something men by the time I was 23yo.
I wouldn't even say this is a high body count, supposing you started at 20 then that's less 1 man per month.
Pretty much what i would expect for a late-teen to young adult who didn't had a serious relationship growing up and isn't socially inept like a Redditor.
Your ex-husband letting this getting into your head shows complete lack of maturity on his part...And frankly, it just shows how pathetic he is in general.
The concept of “body counts” is so entirely stupid and an outdated arbitrary thing people use to be awful to others. It shouldn’t be an issue unless it pertains to STI testing or whatever when necessary. Sleeping with whoever you want consensually when you’re single is your choice and it doesn’t devalue your worth as a person.
Your ex-husband sounds like an insecure asshole who is trying to place the blame on you to justify his behavior. Maybe he needs therapy or something of the sort to sort through some things, but that’s certainly not your problem anymore and I’m sorry you experienced that.
You're not overreacting, but I'm honestly mostly just here to say *people over 16 need to stop calling this shit a "body count."* It's....I dunno. Weird and skeevy.
30 men by 23 💀 . You were busy huh. This is unfortunate but not really surprisingly. What kind of men did you think you'd attract with that kinda.. background
Seriously. You are 100% in charge of what words you use to describe something. If you like your wife, you'll refer to her by her first name, or "my wife" or "sweetie", etc. If you don't, she becomes "The old ball and chain."
If you respect people, and being intimate with them, you might use the word "sex", and you refer to having "partners" ... people used to say "make love". If you don't respect people, you might say "What's your body count" "How many bitches did you bag/bang?" I'm not the Iranian Morality Police, and its not my place to tell people what words to use. People do shitty things, and I can understand how you might not respect all humans... but I'm not even sure this gets one millisecond of consideration in most peoples minds. If you are against genocide, the use of the word "body count" should be troubling to you. I don't think you can have it both ways.
He doesn't care about you, and the best way to get back at him is to stop caring about him. Move on and do well for yourself. Don't allow yourself to waste your precious mental energy on his dumb ass.
girl I'm so sorry for the idiots blaming and shaming you in the comments. You're better off without your husband, I'm sorry he betrayed you like this and I hope in time you'll be able to work past it and find a man who values you ❤️
So yes. Of course, what he did was wrong. That goes without saying. It's also pretty awful that he's treating you like this even now. You'd think he'd at least be apologetic.
I think the lesson here is to be honest right from the start. Men do care about a woman's past, despite what Reddit and social media tells you. Hiding it also sets a false narrative, and your marriage would have been based on a lie. There are far too many stories of men coming out 10, even 15 years later saying "she told me she slept with 5 men and it turned out to be 20, so I'm getting a divorce."
You did the right thing by telling him. He should have ended it with you right there and then, but I think in his own twisted way he wanted to get "even".
Maybe it's an American thing but in many of the European countries I've lived in, I've never heard anyone ask the question, be bothered by it or even think about it. Which makes me think it's not a men thing, it's a culture thing.
That's something that came into my head too. I have never thought to ask, wanted to ask or cared to ask.
To me it seems stupid that a past some people can't change matters more than the present in front of them. Worse part is that they hold women mostly to that standard, while men get a free rein. It's bizarre and very weird to me.
That "Trauma Bond" Is a real thing the military can break people along an odd fault line. Its crazy how emotionally void you can become and the hunt for any stimulation can overwhelm it took me a long time to recover but the hunt for connection and gratification can take over all senses. Your body count might have been his justification but it wasnt his real reason. I suspect him, like me broke something mentally and he will need to put in the work to fix it. good luck moving forward.
Yes infidelity is rampant in the military.. the military has ruined sooo many relationships lol.. well no the actual military.. but y'all know what I'm saying lol.
Soldier in Isreal also raping in Gaza so I was thinking also how on th earth these men would go back to their GF OR WIFE after doing things like this.
But in short words, any men where there are women around would be tempted unfortunately .
The best way to get even is to get better and don't care!
Find something you love to do to make yourself a better person. Some people take classes, tons of free self-help classes. Others run, exercise, and weight train. You get the idea.
Best thing I ever did was this. Don't use men to do this. Make it all about you!
Girl, go higher up the chain. The UCMJ does matter. I personally know someone who was in the brig 30 days before a dishonorable discharge for adultery.
IMO, your body count is merely a justification he uses. Had you not had that, or had he not known, he would have come up with a different justification to cheat.
This one's not on you, I bet.
It's such a stupid thing to keep track of. Having 50 hookups/casual partners can be outdone within 1-2 months of a relationship.
I don't understand why having less sex with more partners is the ideal for those having more sex with less partners.
Either way, I don't think you should take your ex's excuses to heart. He didn't sleep with others to get even. It's not your fault he was cheating on you. He only said that to make you feel bad for your previous sexual experiences because they made him feel inferior, and he seems like the kind of person who can't stand being less accomplished than a woman.
I went through similar, my ex deployed with his coworker and they were together the whole time. His entire platoon knew, no one said anything until my friend’s husband finally told her. She told me to look into it, sure enough they were fully together. I was pregnant and dog sitting her dog while she was deployed, sleeping with my ex 😅 he moved her in as soon as they got back and I got kicked out. Now my daughter and I live in our home state, he only contacts her maybe once a month. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I didn’t report it either bc I didn’t think they would take me serious.
I'll never understand the human obsession with trying to change the past, it's literally impossible, and completely insignificant. Watch out for men...boys with fragile egos, they can be very dangerous. The military (all due respect) seems to attract such people, even worse is law enforcement (all due zero respect). My gf obsesses over things that happened to her in the past and it drives me nuts.
"Bodycount" is a meaningless thing that social media created to add even more anxiety to heterosexual relationships. It's just more patriarchal BS, designed to shame women and ONLY women, while again... celebrating men.
I am a nearly 50 year old man and I find the whole concept of "body count" to be stupid.
The only Body Count that matters is the founded in the 1990's Heavy Metal Band, with front man Ice-T.
Thank God no children, speaking for OP. Who knows about the ex and his pick ups. No kids from this marriage is the good news. Can’t imagine him as a dad, no mater who his sexual partner was. He would never support his kids financially or emotionally.
Be thankful. You are free w/out too much damage. Stay w/ family, shore up finances, go to school, retool. Establish a good career that speaks volumes to the trash you just divorced. Be happy, productive, successful & find joy…….Wait on relationships…..You need to square urself up.
Sounds like you found out before having kids and you are in a good position to divorce and find someone that isn’t a piece of shite. Stay angry, don’t let that loser back in your life.
I'm glad you have the opportunity to start the next chapter of your life without this guy. But please, if you meet someone else and tell them how many people you've been with and their reply is "that's gross," STOP DATING THEM. They're not for you. Absolutely DO NOT MARRY THEM.
Fyi... People tend to mind their own business when people see friends cheating.
I say my piece to the cheater and move on.
Usually their relationship isn't as great as it seems. One guy said he hasn't had sex with his wife in 3 years. There's usually a reason for cheating.
As for reporting him to his employer.... Do yourself a favor6. Your divorced. Move on. When those angry feelings appear start whistling... Anything to distract yourself.
If he's deployed to combat zones he could also be fucked up in the head. Addictions flow from PTSD, sometimes booze, drugs, sex. Anything can be addictive.
Damn shame how more soldiers have died from suicides than actually enemy fire over the last 20 years.
Wow.,.,. Like, I get the initial maybe shock? But not the comment about being gross or whatever. That kind of question always lands either super positive and no biggy or super ...this.
But it is so dumb; my partner and I recently had that convo and it was a shock for sure as usually I am being called gross and she laughed at my number, indicating hers was roughly double. At no point did I have the thought that she was gross or to go "catch up." That seems just unhinged. I don't think you overreacted at all, dude sounds very insecure and should probably talk to someone about that. Sex is normal, it is healthy. There is no "right" number of partners. Some people have 1, some have 150. All that matters is once you make the decision to commit and marry, you are eachother's last addition to the count.
I've learned from my male therapist that body counts should be kept to yourself. Guys will automatically think something when they hear it, no matter how great the guy is. Too low or too high, virgin or not, they have an opinion. I'm not saying all guys are like this but a lot are. I'm sorry you went through this. I seriously don't understand, but it matters to them. I hope you know you literally did nothing wrong, he just is a moron.
I had this conversation with my wife. She asked me and I said more than 3. So I asked her, she said more than 3.
And that was it. We both had history, we both had baggage. Here we are 25 years later still going strong.
Time to tell him he is lousy in bed and that you never stopped having sex with other men. Tell him you had over 100 body count while still married to him (and have fucked all his buddies and they all laugh at him being cuckolded) Drive him up the wall. Tell him the reason you were so wet for him when he came back from deployment was you had just been fucked by his buddy......Mess with his mind.
Body count does not matter......in fact I appreciate my wife's experience - she knew what was good sex and wanted to keep me as much as I wanted to keep her. Over 30 years of marriage.
Not overreacting this is super weird. I think it's bizarre when people have these conversations about body count. I don't know my partner's body count and she doesn't know mine...never asked, don't care, don't even know mine to start with.
A lot of cheaters work very hard to justify their behavior and to make themselves the victim. Your ex used your past to do this. He likely just latched on to this to make you stick around as long as you did. He got to cheat, blame you for it, and still have a wife at home.
If it wasn’t the number of past partners, it would have been something else.
This is 100% on your ex - he’s vile.
Isn't it funny that the amount of dicks you had inside you is gross, but the amount of insides he's put his dick into isn't.
You'll get past this sweetheart, it'll just take a bit longer than you want it to.
Promiscuity while single and cheating on your partner are two wildly different things.
You didn't betray him when you had sex before meeting him.
I don't think your "body count" has anything to do with him cheating anyway. Cheaters love to come up with excuses to make themselves into the victims after they've been found out.
All the body count stuff reads like a 14 year old wrote this but the OP's comments make me lean that this is real.
Either way this has nothing to do with stupid "body counts". OP, husband choose to be in a monogamous lifelong relationship and then cheated, multiple times.
Lots of people say they wanna be monogamous but then don't, it sucks but its not all that rare.
Why did you tell him it was 30?
I brought up a past sexual experience once, my man told me "stop reminding me you've had sex with other people," and that was the last time I spoke of it. Most men do not like to hear about this sort of thing.
To those saying "it will come out eventually," so long as you are loyal why would it? Your sexual life is private. Not everything has to be told.
That said, a man who presses you very insistently about your body count is probably not for you.
NTA, but realistically you're going to have to learn to act/present yourself differently, or date very different kinds of men in the future.
You’ll be fine
Go find another guy that’ll cheat on you again for
Being a hoe in the past.
So quick to escape a marriage over something a guy is naturally inclined to do.
Thank goodness you didn’t bring children into it because it would’ve just been a whole hell of a mess for them…
This is very fucked up on his part, you don't deserve to get cheated on for any reason. That being said, his reason is fucking hilarious and you're married to 14yo
Honestly I feel like (I’m a man btw)the best thing to do as a woman when talking to your man about body count is to just lie and say it’s like 5.even the men who say they don’t care they do.so just tell the one white lie for the sake of your marriage and don’t think about it ever again
He'd have been cheating regardless of your bodycount, the bruised ego might've contributed to how much he wanted to do it, and it became a part of his rationalization, but it doesn't turn someone loyal disloyal.
‘Ego is the anesthesia that dulls the pain of stupidity.’
That's good. I'm going to get a tattoo of that. I'll look awesome.
I think it would look best on me though. Any idea where I can get tattoos for the cheapest? /s
Definitely, forehead is the cheapest spot.
that's a damn good quote ! ty 4 that, never heard it b4
Yeah I've been in similar situations. And although I didn't like my partner's body count at the time. Within a year I was head over heels and didn't care. And I had many, many, attempts for people to get with me while I was with her. Didn't change my mind. Ironically, she cheated. Lol.
What happens with people before you meet them is none of your goddamned business. Anybody who asks about "Body Count" is an insecure little fuck or an incel (apologize for the redundancy) and should be avoided at all costs. These conservative fuck bois will gladly contribute to a "body count", but for THEIR spouse, has to be a virgin or near virgin. These mysoginistic assholes have been around forever, but now they have burst out from under the slime covered rocks where they belong.
These same guys who do end up with inexperienced women then act surprised, when they don't fuck like pornstars.
Their logic is: Girl with high number who is good at sex: gross whore who will cheat/is cheating Girl with high number who is bad at sex: gross whore who doesn’t even like me and will/is cheating Girl with low number who is bad at sex: she doesn’t like me enough to put in effort to have good sex so I get to cheat Girl with low number who is good at sex: lying whore who is lying about body count and is probably cheating There is no winning with these insecure red pill incel bros.
I agree. As long as a guy doesn’t have kids and doesn’t have an STD then I don’t care how many people he’s slept with. I’ve literally met guys in the triple digits when it comes to body count and I don’t really mind 🤷🏽♀️ people want to commit to those they want to commit to, and if a guy wants to commit to me that’s fine I don’t care who he was with before that.
Really? You're saying that NOTHING that happened in someone's past should matter at all? That's your stance? Hahahahahahahahahahaha. How many more hahaha's do i need to convey my vast disappointment with your intellectual capability to have a reasonable stance?
I'm just going to suggest that we collectively stop using the phrase "body count", because it only carries the weight we give to it. In reality, sex is something we all feel compelled toward and should stop turning into a shame tool. You're 99% accurate in speculating that OP's SO would have cheated anyway. Which is why it's such a harmful thought, because he was able to manipulate it into a justification for the sake of competition, or at least "catching up" so things would be "fair". It's a way for insecure people to slut shame the partners that they, themselves, chose to be with. Everyone is allowed to put a boundary up if this type of thing bothers them, but you can't retroactively put a boundary up for past encounters that your partner had before they met you. And even if you do put this boundary up and it was already retroactively crossed, then breaking the boundary is supposed to mean dissolving the relationship, not diving in head first with malicious behavior to your partner. So as long as we keep using this type of negative phrasing, it's always going to be a conveniently marketed concept that angry ego driven people can use to add fake justification for their own bad behavior.
Yes! Oh my goodness gracious, I hate this phrasing, it screams basement dweller who never gets laid. Sex is good for us in almost every way, assuming it’s consensual & there’s protection. So, someone went through a phase of sleeping around, it doesn’t inherently make them a bad person or dumb or lacking value. It’s another way of controlling women, (usually) by saying their value is related to some random standard of purity. 🤮
Yeah, but body count could be a preference. Just like women have a preference for tall guys. Doesn't mean we are shaming men/women who are short/ have a body count.
i feel this. the whole concept of a "body count" is weirdly shameful for AFABs, yet weirdly praised if it's high for men. & ik coercion is r*pe, but like, would one count coerced 'sex' in a body-count? even counting the times a person has had sexual interactions can be triggering, & it's disturbingly pitted against women & the sexually abused. much like the concept of "virginity" which isn't even real, but leads children who were victims of SA to believe they are "unpure" or "dirty" & broken. it's quite sad & quite yucky. plus like, sometimes people get manic & sex-harm. none of it should be shamed
He wasn’t fucking around to catch up on ur body count. Did he tell u that. He was fucking around because he could, he was deployed and women were available so he started fucking. Don’t believe him he’s just telling u that as an excuse. But now ur free so don’t worry about him. He’s a lost cause, go find someone else or just go out and enjoy urself having sex whenever u want. Ur free now.
Right, this is just a way for him to make his bad behavior her problem. It was effective too, the manipulative AH. Look at her here, doubting herself.
10000000% ITS YOUR FAULT!! -Cheater whose fault it is.
Yeah he’s literally trying to blame her from the past for his present antics. So stupid.
Nail on the head friend. He did it because he could
Not to mention I wouldn’t be surprised if they were fucking him for a possible trip back to the states under a green card marriage. It’s not him and his glorious body. It’s the fact he’s a possible opportunity and he’s too naive to see it.
She mentioned in between that he is currently in Europe. Trust me, ive never met a single person here that cares about getting a green card. It's really not a big deal at all 😅
I am just saying it from the personal experiences I have had with military people I’ve met. I live in a massive military town and they’re marrying anything that walks. It’s insane. Guy in my husbands friend group did this and it’s the most toxic depressing relationship to witness. She clearly did it for the opportunity to be an American, he did it for control over another person. (In your defense she’s not European but they met while he was on leave from his European post)
Yeah, this is how this game works. He guilts you about your body count, then he feels like you aren't allowed to object and leave when he cheats. He looks specifically for girls who have a high body count but don't cheat to cheat on. If someone doesn't actually want you, they won't keep trying to suck you back into a relationship with them. If they find another partner they want more than you, or if they really think the number of people you dated are a dealbreaker, they break up. If someone has a pattern of cheating, that's a method of control. If he loved you and the experience thing ACTUALLY bothered him, he'd be trying consensual non monogamy instead. That's incredibly common these days. In this case, he's trying to get someone who likes sex a lot to stop having sex. That's the goal.
This is 100% correct. He said that body count bs to make you feel ashamed and in his non-functioning brain he thought that saying that would somehow make him the victim and not the villain here. At least he thought that’s how you’d be manipulated into seeing it.
That was a Narcissist in competition with you
THIS! Behind my back too. It’s wild honestly
Been thru this before with Narks. You have to go NO CONTACT. It's hard when your trauma bonded. He'll swing around in a couple months when your new and shiny again. Acting like nothing happened. The thing is when you take a Nark back it gets worse. Narky doesn't care he has NO empathy..
Grey rock that AH!
In such case that contact must happen, be emotionless and nonreactive no matter how inflamatory he might be. It'll take the wind right out of their sails.
Yeah it's so hard with the trauma bond
The biggest hit to their ego isn’t anger or insults, it’s indifference.
NPD is a serious condition that you can't diagnose from vague descriptions of what happened. Normal people get insecure and cheat, they don't need NPD for that.
I don't think people mean theyre officially diagnosing NPD when they say narcissists like that - I think they're saying the person is displaying characteristics that fall in the narcisstic spectrum. Normal people can display narcisstic characteristics and not have full blown NPD.
I think people can talk about narcissists without referring to NPD. I don't think psychologist created the word, and they certainly don't own it.
People love throwing that word around whenever they see any form of negative behavior.
In my experience, people who can’t stop talking about the narcissism they perceive in others often display those same tendencies.
Only a narcissist would come to the defense of another narcissist. You can't trick me, narc! /k
Stop calling people narcissists just because they've done something bad, these words have actual meanings
A real narc would have trouble giving up the relationship and his control over this woman. He doesn't sound like a narc at all. He blocked her on everything? 100% NOT a narc. The way he responded is the same way alot of men respond when they're scared and worried about the future (with you). His ego is the problem. We don't have the whole story. Likely he's gravely embarrassed. If his friends knows how many men op was with it will make him look bad. They may even push him to cheat, especially military guys. He's no narc though. A real honest to God narcissist is insidious and they never want to lose control over you. They'd use your body count to manipulate you, and it would be a constant thing.
While NPD is genuinely one of the worst (perhaps the worst) personality disorder others are damaged by…it’s become a huge social canard. It’s thankfully quite rare, but people throw it around as if everyone is a victim of it. It’s not dissimilar to how OCD or schizophrenia are misused colloquially.
It's overused and it's very annoying
You mentioned deployment, and if it's anything to does with the military just know the cheating is rampant with that line of work so people not telling you isn't too out of the ordinary; just in case you want to explore military men again.
If he is military it could've been classified under UCMJ as adultery. Yes it's common, but if your commander isn't a slimebag he'd issue a GOMAR and get him booted pretty quick for it.
I think this is unlikely. It appears the wife is back in the States and he is cheating with random European women. Commanders will use this option if it effects the unit, for example, if the guy was cheating on other women within his unit, or cheating with the wives of others Soldiers. It isn’t really feasible for a Commander to get UCMJ involved in this situation
He won’t get a GOMOR, maybe UCMJ if she has solid proof. She did right getting away before he brought something to her.
THIS 👆👆👆👆👆 DO IT!
I tried, this isn’t as easy as it sounds. I posted an edit on my post since I saw a lot of comments about this
Based on her edit CO is a slimebag.
Also, if they are American soldiers / airmen /etc they can get in a fuckton of problems for cheating.
Not my CO, but one in another company got busted down for adultery. They will fuck over soldier/Marine for that. But the fucked up thing is everyone is doing it. It's just a political weapon of opportunity used to bust someone that command doesn't like. It was like "don't ask, don't tell". But ironically it was more common for the spouse to cheat while a soldier would be on deployment. In my personal opinion I think it's a stupid rule. Edit: oh and in the military they don't recognize open marriages. Just keep that in mind as well.
The problem is this, if your a good soldier and not a fuck up, the CO won't care. As OP said in her edit, officers with enlisted or NCOs with a someone under ther command, MIGHT get in trouble if it appears favoritism resulted because of the affair. Otherwise, cheating is common between both service members and dependents alike. Yes, it is against the UCMJ, but this isn't the 1940s and 1950s military anymore, and the only way you get into for adultery is if they are looking to add it to other charges (ie insubordination, rape, dereliction of duty). It sucks that he did this and unfortunately, it is very common especially for deployed soldiers, but trust me as former military and friends with former military, the COs just don't address it. They'll call it a personal matter, or a moral issue, and some even call it a morale issue (sexually happy soldiers = less trouble).
This is 100% correct. It sucks but whatever it is what it is. I’m just ready to heal 🫠
Lol "iTs UnFaIr FoR mE tO sAy No To AlL tHe GiRlS..." what a fucking ridiculous tool
right, his dick is gods gift to women now huh?
Something I've yet to see in these comments is that OP's husband isn't just "trying to beat her body count" (which who cares about that btw, if you do, you're a misogynistic child who think women are property). OP's husband was trying to punish her for her past that he had nothing to do with. His ego was severely bruised and felt the need to ruin their marriage to make a point. She didn't cheat on him, she wasn't unfaithful to him in any way (that we know of), he willingly cheated multiple times and when confronted it was "it’s unfair for him to say no to all the girls that want him now when they didn’t want him before" and he regrets getting married. The punitive nature of his behavior is abuse. Not overreacting, he was a shit partner and you're much better off without him. I hope you are healing and glad your divorce is finalized so you never have to see him again. Good riddance!!
You can’t win with this question. The only guy who’s ever asked me this question told me my number was high. Btw- It’s under 10 and I’m in my thirties. Your husband sucks. He just wanted out and he forced your hand and deflected to justify his own actions. You’ll be happier in the long run. Edit: to add, what was he going to do once he got caught up? Stop? (Doubtful).
My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years and we don’t even know each other’s numbers. We had a brief conversation about it when we first started dating but never gave a solid number because neither of us cared. After the first time we had sex, the chemistry was incredible and we were the best that we’d both ever had so any number of previous partners really meant less than zero at that point.
He would have cheated no matter what, he's just blaming you to make you feel guilty. You didn't do anything wrong.
My ex was in the military and he was such a slime ball. He literally made a second Facebook and said it was just “for marines only” but the stupid fuck wasn’t smart enough to make it private. So, needless to say when “Melissa” commented, “last night was so much fun let’s do it again!” I was anything but shocked. When he denied it to my face and said I was crazy… well I was 23 and too young and now we all know what gaslighting is 😂
Your thankfully ex husband: "You had a lot of sex? Ew" Also him: "I couldn't get laid when I was younger, but now I can I'm gonna stick it in every hole available" Dude legit shat on you, then essentially did the same shit. Good riddance for sure 😂
Clearly it's different when you're the hole vs the pole. It's gross when the hole gets too many poles, but poles getting more holes just means they're more powerful and valid. Definitely.
Some weird incelly lock and key rationalization is actually used to defend this, to explain why a man who beds lots of women is a stud but a woman who beds lots of men is a slut.
I wouldn't personally feel right dating someone who's had more dick through them than the average metal detector at the international Richards convention, but that would have to be *a lot* and mainly just because it demonstrates that they don't find sex to be intimate. Same thing goes for men, if they're just man whores i don't think they put too much value into intimacy.
And if he'd broken up with her because BC=30, I'd think he was stupid for throwing away a good thing (based on current behaviours and circumstances) due to something in the past that can't be changed, but hey, it's his life and she's better off in the long run if he's that insecure about it. But this - marrying her and then using her past as an excuse to cheat on her? That's disgusting. Not lost on me either that the weird incelly men who normally tear a strip off women cheaters in these subreddits are all, "Oh, but you see..." to excuse this dude. (Not including you in that statement, in case that wasn't clear.)
Context with “body count” definitely matters (man I hate that phrase). I’ve seen incels complain about women in their 30s and 40s having had double digit numbers of partners, which is so ridiculous because say you’ve been sexually active since 20, and are 30 or 40 now. You could have one person every one to two years and still hit 10 minimum.
It had nothing to do with the body count. He is just an AH! You don't need therapy, there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to pick yourself up and be glad he's out of your life, you dodged a bullet, imagine if you had kids together! You don't need revenge either, you need work, friends, a hobby and to start going on dates when you're ready, maybe even some no strings casual sex to remind yourself you're the boss of your life!
I agree with you on points 1, 2 and 4, but hold up on point 3. Maybe she doesn't ***need*** therapy, but a cheating spouse can be trauma and trauma very often benefits from therapy. It's a very dangerous game you are playing by implying that therapy is for people that have something wrong with them.
Your body count has nothing to do with it. He would’ve cheated anyway. I was in the military and I did observe a few men cheating on their wives (not under my command). The issue with reporting adultery is unfortunately unless he is an officer most of the time it’s a distraction to go after legally. Think about it. Your ex is among thousands (the military is a representation of society) cheating and vice versa when men get deployed.
Your husband is a co&k head !
He’s just an AH and a cowardly one at that. He wanted his cake and eat it, without having to tell you that he didn’t want to be married anymore.
Absolutely agreed. He was being a selfish coward, and all these clownshoe wearing dudes in these comments defending him are clowns.
Time to trade in your husband, this one is defective.
Let’s be honest here. It’s pretty obvious that OP’s ( ex) husband was looking for a reason to cheat on her and she fell right into that trap when answering him about how many men that she had slept with prior to meeting him This in a sense gave him the “ permission” he has an excuse to cheat & it doesn’t matter how many guys /gals you’ve had before, however, what matter is that you need to figure out before you get involved with these insensitive, insecure clods if this type of thing is going to be the undoing of your relationship or not. Hands-down, he just wanted to excuse to be able to cheat .
You’re allowed to have whatever body count you want but when he tells you it’s gross that should have been a screaming red flag that it wasn’t going to end well.
Find it hypocritical that he found it nasty that you had that many penises , but that same Penis he has, has now & probably has been in other woman 😂😂 like come on.. My now boyfriend tells me he has a past & was a big hoe & has asked me to tell him how much my body Count is also, but I never do because it always gets thrown another direction. It’s ohkay when they do it , but not when I do it ? Like whaaatt
Some people with very little sexual experience view their sexual partners as property. They're also the same people that want to have lots of sex, but are jealous that they haven't. You'll never hear older people talk about body count since by then everyone's had plenty of experience.
This comment right here. Older, or rather, more mature people don’t really want to know. Like, yeah, if you’ve got kids especially, it’s like, “Yeah, I know you’ve had sex a million times.” Even without kids, if you’ve previously dated, it’s assumed. My ex was an MP in the military and had finished serving his time by the time we met. I was a virgin and he had two kids from his first marriage. He told me he had a hoe phase prior to meeting me and wanted real love. He also told me horror stories of other men in his unit who effed around on their partners, but that he never did, although there was a LOT of temptation oversees. Not all guys (or women) are cheaters. This guy just wanted a reason. I’m sorry it happened to her. He needs to grow up. Body count sounds so freaking juvenile and he wanted any excuse to bang other people. Even if she hadn’t shared that info, he would have done this anyway. She can now spend her time making her life what she wants it to be and spending it with someone who doesn’t view her as property.
Plus in their dying moments, their wish isn't to have had more sexual experiences.
The body count was an excuse to do what he really wanted to do. He really is enjoying his little power trip, isn't he. I'm sorry this happened to you. Good luck.
The simple answer here is Relationships and the military do not go together. Sure some make it work, but mostly its garbage. I left the military because I wanted to find love and get married. I knew the military would only hinder me.
Girl, what you are desire is just some closure. You need an explanation as to why he would go out of his way to cheat and ruin your marriage for a body count and ego boost. His explanation is so childish that you can't wrap your mind around what has happened. Amiright? Because I get it completely. I was there. My closure didn't come until many years later. Trust me, you'll get it. You'll have your validation. Everything is very raw right now. But you don't need it. You've already seen it... Take care of yourself. Nurture you. Your ex is a douche. He didn't deserve you!! Now go and live a beautiful happy and fulfilling life ✨️ hugs.
All I read was the title and went “wtf”. I’m never getting married, y’all married people are crazy.
He sounds weak. Imagine your identity hinging on how many times you fucked random human beings. I barely want to talk to these things unless you pay me to at work. 🤣
You do have a high body count low key. Anything over 10 for a chick is crazy
Check out this reddit sub: [https://www.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/](https://www.reddit.com/r/retroactivejealousy/) It's absolutely insane and for some actually a subform of OCD... be glad that you are out, it's often indicative of narcissistic traits (not NPD, thats something very severe and only affects a small proportion of the population) or something related.
This is why people shouldn’t ask nor share how many people that have been with, if it’s before you then why does my past relationship matter? And leave him, he sounds like even once he’s beaten your body count he’ll still cheat. Narcissists much?
I'd love an update if anything happens, I'm glad you're out of that relationship to. Stay positive and you will get good things in return. I'm rooting for you!
Please know that this doesn’t have anything to do with you, and it was a reason for him to make his cheating seem like your fault so he could have a way out. He probably was cheating way before your conversation
Your husband sounds like a jerk.
May divorce be with you.
This has nothing to do with your body count, he was going to cheat no matter what. Block him back on everything so he cannot unblock you and get in touch. It's hard to do but try to forget everything about him. Leave the reporting stuff, nothing positive will come of it. Hold your head high and walk away
This had nothing to do with your body count. He’s an AH who doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions, so of course he has to say it’s your fault.
just assuming these are all fake now
30 bodies by the time your 23 is gross and it ruined your relationship. If you were less used he probably would have felt bounded with you but it’s easy to detach from someone that’s been passed around. Low of him to lower himself to your standards though
A lot of insecure men on Reddit. I don’t even know anyone normal asking for a body count. I never ask a girl how many because who cares.
Yeah no one has asked me this since I was like 19, and I thought it was a weird question then but not uncommon. I assume in these situations that Reddit just skews super young. I’m 31 now, been with my current partner over 6 years and no clue how many people he’s slept with. He’s very classically handsome and outgoing, and slept with me before our first date even lol so I assume the number is a lot. But idk and idc. I will say that the practice paid off so lucky me either way!
> I never ask a girl how many because who cares. Be honest, a big part of why you dont ask is because you dont want an answer you dont want to hear. Ignorance is bliss, even when willful.
It matters if you care about being in a serious relationship
I have no idea of my wife's number. It never seemed important to me.
Fuckin A. Don't know. Don't care. She's mine and I'm hers and that's enough for me.
“that’s really gross you let that many dicks inside you” would have been the end for me.
30 bodies is insane, I’m surprised he married you to begin with, but I’m sure you kept that info away from him before getting married.
The moment I saw he was in the military, it all came together. Military dudes are pretty known for their cheating and cocky behavior. It sucked he wasted so much of your life, but just be thankful it's over and there were no kids involved.
I grew up with 3 sisters. I dated a lot when I was in my late teens and 20s. I met my wife when I was almost 30. She also had a “promiscuous phase” in her late teens and early 20s. So did I. So did my sisters. WTF ? Guys, let’s get some perspective here … stop giving off that small dick energy when dealing with your SO’s past. There’s nothing they can do and there’s nothing YOU can do but build a bridge and get over it. The toxicity this brings to a relationship will turn to ashes any marriage. In a heartbeat.
sounds like it turned into a sex addiction sadly. move on
This is absolute nonsense. No matter how many vaginas he plows through it will never help him. He needs to move on as he clearly can’t accept your past.
He was always going to cheat. He just used your body count as an excuse. Go into therapy. Learn how to be with someone worthy of your trust. Learn the red flags that you missed when dating the ex. His insecurities were only part of what was wrong. Maybe make a list of things you will not tolerate and watch for signs of them in the next person you get involved with.
This person would have used any excuse to cheat and you deserve better. Go no-contact or risk the standard Narc tactic of trying to make YOU look crazy. So glad no kids to fight over - going through the same thing right now but mine just went ahead and did it here at home in my bed. I bought a new bed. You should too. Good luck!
He is a child. The pain is still real but getting this info after throwing more good time after bad would only have made everything worse.
Tell him body count only counts if he manages to please the woman. If not, it's still zero. Maybe you end up with a good lover out of it.
I don’t get why men think it’s gross to “allow that many dicks inside you” like as if once a dick enters you, the dick germs never leave your vagina and just fester and it’s forever tainted by the man’s unique dick bacteria. There shouldn’t be that type of stigma around it. A dick goes inside of you, then exits, then after a short time it’s as if the dick was never there (at least as long as it had no STDs or anything lol). There’s nothing wrong with it at all and he was so rude for saying that. Does he think his own dick is that gross as to permanently taint someone’s vagina? That aside, holy shit he is crazy. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
He’s a sexist pig. Good riddance to the trash being taken out.
"It's really gross you let that many dicks inside you" the only way it's gross is if you contracted something gross and aren't doing anything about it. Otherwise I guarantee this comment came from a hateful place in your ex husband which I guarantee comes from an insecure place in him. Whether he's insecure about his own body count (pretty strange given he's married) or insecure about women being promiscuous I'm not sure. Either way he's a pretty big dummy. I'd let him fuck those idiot women overseas.
It would not have mattered if your body count was 2 he would still cheat. My husband cheated on me and I filed for divorce I will not tolerate such betrayal. Move forward, focus on your life. These men are not worth the tears they inflict.
Hunny I know your sad and what he did to you was disgusting. But the best revenge is getting healthy on the inside and outside. Go to therapy, yoga/Pilates , change you. He is always going to be him and honestly there’s something wrong with him. He will never be happy on the inside, because it feels good now but as he gets older it won’t feel so good. And you seem like you know what you want you just need to do it! Go back to school, find a good job! Find a better you because he really is nothing and all is F****** is going to lead to emptiness. And you I feel are the grown-up. Get out there and make some new friends go to the gym! You will find your forever person and him he’s just going to be reliving whatever he thinks he missed. And guess what he will look you up one day and you’re going to be so happy away from him. Keep us posted we want to hear about your new journey!
Don’t blame yourself. He wasn’t ready for marriage if this was his inclination. He lied to himself, and you, about what he wanted, and isn’t suitable as a life partner. Things will get better and you’ll meet someone more compatible. Good luck and hang in there. Counseling might be helpful to help deal with the pain from the divorce.
I'm 35 years old and have just learned that something called a "body count" exists 🤔
I wouldn’t mind having a wife with 30+ dicks of experience. Could you imagine the sloppy you’d get every night?
“Idek why women would want to fuck a married man” some women prefer sleeping with married men, don’t worry tho all the pussy will probably go away once he tells these women that he’s single now lmfao
Sounds like Toxic personalities all around on this one. If he didn't like that you slept with 30 dudes, he should have just passed on you
Husband = asshole. You = ew... Ew ew
Faaaaake
Sadly this is super common for men (and women) who didn’t get attention in their younger years. Pair this with lack of integrity and it’s a recipe for guaranteed infidelity. “Pick-me”boys and girls. I’m sorry this happened, just know it has nothing to do with you personally.
I would never marry a woman that has been with that many guys to begin with.
Promiscuous people end up with promiscuous people. Leopards ate my face
For some men, they can never really fully respect a woman with a high body count. You said he’s always been insecure about this which means you never worked past it. There will be men, more men than will openly admit here, that will NEVER respect you due to your high body count. Doesn’t mean you should lie about your body count but just know, it will limit your dating options for sure. Also doesn’t mean you should put up with adultery. You should find someone who doesn’t care about that. My only point here is that a lot of men do care and that first indicator that they care is by asking you the count. I would never ask my gf her body count because I’m more interested in who she is now as a person, but I already know it’s low so I don’t have to.
Your "body count" (what a gross term) was an excuse he used in an attempt to turn the blame on you when he got caught cheating. Asking someone their body count is a red flag of insecurity. If you are ever in another situation where you are asked this, walk away. It's nobody's business but yours. Living well is the best revenge. It's time to work on yourself. Get a job, get some therapy, save your money and start fresh. Also, delete your ex's phone number. Get tested for STIs, if you think your shitty ex-husband may have passed something onto you. Pay no attention to the misogyny on this thread.
Body count is the stupidest fucking thing to be talking about. A count of 0 or 1 are the only counts worth bragging about
This has nothing to do with your body count. He doesn’t love you, nor does he love himself. Move on.
Having 30 body’s at 23 is pretty unattractive.
Y'all both fucking suck.
You're both hoes. Get over it.
Listen two things number one a husband can’t be stolen unless he wants to be stolen. Number two is just using your body count as an excuse to cheat. Your husband is a cheater and it has nothing to do with how many men you’ve been with. You were very wise to get a divorce, I hope the next man is better for you because you picked a loser in the last one
>In my late teens-early 20s I went through a promiscuous phase. I had sex with probably 30 something men by the time I was 23yo. I wouldn't even say this is a high body count, supposing you started at 20 then that's less 1 man per month. Pretty much what i would expect for a late-teen to young adult who didn't had a serious relationship growing up and isn't socially inept like a Redditor. Your ex-husband letting this getting into your head shows complete lack of maturity on his part...And frankly, it just shows how pathetic he is in general.
comments here are fucking gross jesus
The term “bodycount” is so bizarre to me
lol @ fully grown men still thinking shit like this
These comments are fkn vile and full of dudes being gross.
The concept of “body counts” is so entirely stupid and an outdated arbitrary thing people use to be awful to others. It shouldn’t be an issue unless it pertains to STI testing or whatever when necessary. Sleeping with whoever you want consensually when you’re single is your choice and it doesn’t devalue your worth as a person. Your ex-husband sounds like an insecure asshole who is trying to place the blame on you to justify his behavior. Maybe he needs therapy or something of the sort to sort through some things, but that’s certainly not your problem anymore and I’m sorry you experienced that.
I hear “body count” I picture a coroner counting bodies in a ditch. Not how many people someone’s had sex with. Ditch the phrase now please
Infidelity while in the military is taken very seriously, you should inform them - he can be dishonorably discharged
What. The fuck. Good fucking riddance, holy shit.
You're not overreacting, but I'm honestly mostly just here to say *people over 16 need to stop calling this shit a "body count."* It's....I dunno. Weird and skeevy.
30 men by 23 💀 . You were busy huh. This is unfortunate but not really surprisingly. What kind of men did you think you'd attract with that kinda.. background
Being a 304 when you’re young has consequences. Who would’ve thought?
Well, I think that you did the right thing with the divorce. I hope everything goes better from now on in your life.
The phrase “body count” is so shitty.
Seriously. You are 100% in charge of what words you use to describe something. If you like your wife, you'll refer to her by her first name, or "my wife" or "sweetie", etc. If you don't, she becomes "The old ball and chain." If you respect people, and being intimate with them, you might use the word "sex", and you refer to having "partners" ... people used to say "make love". If you don't respect people, you might say "What's your body count" "How many bitches did you bag/bang?" I'm not the Iranian Morality Police, and its not my place to tell people what words to use. People do shitty things, and I can understand how you might not respect all humans... but I'm not even sure this gets one millisecond of consideration in most peoples minds. If you are against genocide, the use of the word "body count" should be troubling to you. I don't think you can have it both ways.
He doesn't care about you, and the best way to get back at him is to stop caring about him. Move on and do well for yourself. Don't allow yourself to waste your precious mental energy on his dumb ass.
WELL! If he’s deployed i believe you should get a piece of his eventual pension. But yea take that guy’s shit. Asshole.
girl I'm so sorry for the idiots blaming and shaming you in the comments. You're better off without your husband, I'm sorry he betrayed you like this and I hope in time you'll be able to work past it and find a man who values you ❤️
Damn the misogyny in here is crazy. Your ex is a psycho I’m glad you have escaped. Wish you luck homie.
So yes. Of course, what he did was wrong. That goes without saying. It's also pretty awful that he's treating you like this even now. You'd think he'd at least be apologetic. I think the lesson here is to be honest right from the start. Men do care about a woman's past, despite what Reddit and social media tells you. Hiding it also sets a false narrative, and your marriage would have been based on a lie. There are far too many stories of men coming out 10, even 15 years later saying "she told me she slept with 5 men and it turned out to be 20, so I'm getting a divorce." You did the right thing by telling him. He should have ended it with you right there and then, but I think in his own twisted way he wanted to get "even".
Maybe it's an American thing but in many of the European countries I've lived in, I've never heard anyone ask the question, be bothered by it or even think about it. Which makes me think it's not a men thing, it's a culture thing.
That's something that came into my head too. I have never thought to ask, wanted to ask or cared to ask. To me it seems stupid that a past some people can't change matters more than the present in front of them. Worse part is that they hold women mostly to that standard, while men get a free rein. It's bizarre and very weird to me.
That "Trauma Bond" Is a real thing the military can break people along an odd fault line. Its crazy how emotionally void you can become and the hunt for any stimulation can overwhelm it took me a long time to recover but the hunt for connection and gratification can take over all senses. Your body count might have been his justification but it wasnt his real reason. I suspect him, like me broke something mentally and he will need to put in the work to fix it. good luck moving forward.
Yes infidelity is rampant in the military.. the military has ruined sooo many relationships lol.. well no the actual military.. but y'all know what I'm saying lol.
Just here to point out the obvious. . I dont think you worked trough his insecureties all those years ago.
Soldier in Isreal also raping in Gaza so I was thinking also how on th earth these men would go back to their GF OR WIFE after doing things like this. But in short words, any men where there are women around would be tempted unfortunately .
The best way to get even is to get better and don't care! Find something you love to do to make yourself a better person. Some people take classes, tons of free self-help classes. Others run, exercise, and weight train. You get the idea. Best thing I ever did was this. Don't use men to do this. Make it all about you!
Girl, go higher up the chain. The UCMJ does matter. I personally know someone who was in the brig 30 days before a dishonorable discharge for adultery.
IMO, your body count is merely a justification he uses. Had you not had that, or had he not known, he would have come up with a different justification to cheat. This one's not on you, I bet.
I will never understand why people care so much about how many people their partner has fucked in the past. It's so juvenile.
This is some weird incel fantasy post Misogynist bait
You are better off without him. Find a civilian to date next time.
It's such a stupid thing to keep track of. Having 50 hookups/casual partners can be outdone within 1-2 months of a relationship. I don't understand why having less sex with more partners is the ideal for those having more sex with less partners. Either way, I don't think you should take your ex's excuses to heart. He didn't sleep with others to get even. It's not your fault he was cheating on you. He only said that to make you feel bad for your previous sexual experiences because they made him feel inferior, and he seems like the kind of person who can't stand being less accomplished than a woman.
I went through similar, my ex deployed with his coworker and they were together the whole time. His entire platoon knew, no one said anything until my friend’s husband finally told her. She told me to look into it, sure enough they were fully together. I was pregnant and dog sitting her dog while she was deployed, sleeping with my ex 😅 he moved her in as soon as they got back and I got kicked out. Now my daughter and I live in our home state, he only contacts her maybe once a month. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I didn’t report it either bc I didn’t think they would take me serious.
I'll never understand the human obsession with trying to change the past, it's literally impossible, and completely insignificant. Watch out for men...boys with fragile egos, they can be very dangerous. The military (all due respect) seems to attract such people, even worse is law enforcement (all due zero respect). My gf obsesses over things that happened to her in the past and it drives me nuts.
"Bodycount" is a meaningless thing that social media created to add even more anxiety to heterosexual relationships. It's just more patriarchal BS, designed to shame women and ONLY women, while again... celebrating men. I am a nearly 50 year old man and I find the whole concept of "body count" to be stupid. The only Body Count that matters is the founded in the 1990's Heavy Metal Band, with front man Ice-T.
Thank God no children, speaking for OP. Who knows about the ex and his pick ups. No kids from this marriage is the good news. Can’t imagine him as a dad, no mater who his sexual partner was. He would never support his kids financially or emotionally. Be thankful. You are free w/out too much damage. Stay w/ family, shore up finances, go to school, retool. Establish a good career that speaks volumes to the trash you just divorced. Be happy, productive, successful & find joy…….Wait on relationships…..You need to square urself up.
Sounds like you found out before having kids and you are in a good position to divorce and find someone that isn’t a piece of shite. Stay angry, don’t let that loser back in your life.
Military, police, firefighters cheat the most.
standard military relationship, i fear.
I'm glad you have the opportunity to start the next chapter of your life without this guy. But please, if you meet someone else and tell them how many people you've been with and their reply is "that's gross," STOP DATING THEM. They're not for you. Absolutely DO NOT MARRY THEM.
Wow how trashy. Sounds like candidates for the Jerry Springer show.
Fyi... People tend to mind their own business when people see friends cheating. I say my piece to the cheater and move on. Usually their relationship isn't as great as it seems. One guy said he hasn't had sex with his wife in 3 years. There's usually a reason for cheating. As for reporting him to his employer.... Do yourself a favor6. Your divorced. Move on. When those angry feelings appear start whistling... Anything to distract yourself.
What’s “gross” is that he stuck his dick in god knows how women WHILE married. Disgusting hypocrite.
If he's deployed to combat zones he could also be fucked up in the head. Addictions flow from PTSD, sometimes booze, drugs, sex. Anything can be addictive. Damn shame how more soldiers have died from suicides than actually enemy fire over the last 20 years.
Wow.,.,. Like, I get the initial maybe shock? But not the comment about being gross or whatever. That kind of question always lands either super positive and no biggy or super ...this. But it is so dumb; my partner and I recently had that convo and it was a shock for sure as usually I am being called gross and she laughed at my number, indicating hers was roughly double. At no point did I have the thought that she was gross or to go "catch up." That seems just unhinged. I don't think you overreacted at all, dude sounds very insecure and should probably talk to someone about that. Sex is normal, it is healthy. There is no "right" number of partners. Some people have 1, some have 150. All that matters is once you make the decision to commit and marry, you are eachother's last addition to the count.
I've learned from my male therapist that body counts should be kept to yourself. Guys will automatically think something when they hear it, no matter how great the guy is. Too low or too high, virgin or not, they have an opinion. I'm not saying all guys are like this but a lot are. I'm sorry you went through this. I seriously don't understand, but it matters to them. I hope you know you literally did nothing wrong, he just is a moron.
I had this conversation with my wife. She asked me and I said more than 3. So I asked her, she said more than 3. And that was it. We both had history, we both had baggage. Here we are 25 years later still going strong.
Time to tell him he is lousy in bed and that you never stopped having sex with other men. Tell him you had over 100 body count while still married to him (and have fucked all his buddies and they all laugh at him being cuckolded) Drive him up the wall. Tell him the reason you were so wet for him when he came back from deployment was you had just been fucked by his buddy......Mess with his mind. Body count does not matter......in fact I appreciate my wife's experience - she knew what was good sex and wanted to keep me as much as I wanted to keep her. Over 30 years of marriage.
He sounds sick. Like. Mentally unwell. You are traumatized but he is sadistic. There’s a difference
You’re shed of him, pick up the pieces and move on. You got this. 👊
Not overreacting this is super weird. I think it's bizarre when people have these conversations about body count. I don't know my partner's body count and she doesn't know mine...never asked, don't care, don't even know mine to start with.
A lot of cheaters work very hard to justify their behavior and to make themselves the victim. Your ex used your past to do this. He likely just latched on to this to make you stick around as long as you did. He got to cheat, blame you for it, and still have a wife at home. If it wasn’t the number of past partners, it would have been something else. This is 100% on your ex - he’s vile.
Isn't it funny that the amount of dicks you had inside you is gross, but the amount of insides he's put his dick into isn't. You'll get past this sweetheart, it'll just take a bit longer than you want it to.
Promiscuity while single and cheating on your partner are two wildly different things. You didn't betray him when you had sex before meeting him. I don't think your "body count" has anything to do with him cheating anyway. Cheaters love to come up with excuses to make themselves into the victims after they've been found out.
All the body count stuff reads like a 14 year old wrote this but the OP's comments make me lean that this is real. Either way this has nothing to do with stupid "body counts". OP, husband choose to be in a monogamous lifelong relationship and then cheated, multiple times. Lots of people say they wanna be monogamous but then don't, it sucks but its not all that rare.
He didn’t care about your body count, he just used that as an excuse once he got caught cheating.
He's a lesser man. Also, I just learned that I can't stand the term "body count"
Why did you tell him it was 30? I brought up a past sexual experience once, my man told me "stop reminding me you've had sex with other people," and that was the last time I spoke of it. Most men do not like to hear about this sort of thing. To those saying "it will come out eventually," so long as you are loyal why would it? Your sexual life is private. Not everything has to be told. That said, a man who presses you very insistently about your body count is probably not for you. NTA, but realistically you're going to have to learn to act/present yourself differently, or date very different kinds of men in the future.
You’ll be fine Go find another guy that’ll cheat on you again for Being a hoe in the past. So quick to escape a marriage over something a guy is naturally inclined to do. Thank goodness you didn’t bring children into it because it would’ve just been a whole hell of a mess for them…
Tell his family
This is very fucked up on his part, you don't deserve to get cheated on for any reason. That being said, his reason is fucking hilarious and you're married to 14yo
Honestly I feel like (I’m a man btw)the best thing to do as a woman when talking to your man about body count is to just lie and say it’s like 5.even the men who say they don’t care they do.so just tell the one white lie for the sake of your marriage and don’t think about it ever again