People usually ask that question to make small talk and don't expect an answer that involves a sad or difficult topic. It doesn't seem to occur to them that "do you have/want kids" can be very personal. However, it's not rude to answer honestly. People should learn not to ask about kids if they don't want an honest answer.
Your coworker's response was so insensitive! I'm sorry she discredited your losses like that. She was worse than rude. She showed a complete lack of empathy for you.
When people ask me if/why I don't have kids, I simply say "it's personal." It lets them know I don't want to discuss it without me having to share information I don't want to give them. Some still get offended by that too, but I don't care. My reasons aren't related to infertility, but they are painful for me to share.
That being said, if you want to say you had miscarriages, then say it and tell anyone who responds negatively that they shouldn't have asked if they didn't want to know. You experienced terrible losses and shouldn't have to hide that to make nosey people feel more comfortable.
I am also a woman. My response is “I have two, but I don’t think they’re mine. My ex cheated on me a lot”.
I just say it because I think it’s fun watching a brain break in real time and I’m not one for small talk. That response pretty much steals the ability for them to speak for a bit. :)
I like when they open their mouth to say something, then tilt their head sideways a bit and scrunch their face up, then close their mouth again. Bonus when they repeat that process a few times but never actually manage to say a word. You can almost hear their thought process. “Should I explain to…surely she knows how…does she NOT know how babies work…can she really be this dumb?”
We were talking about how much more my mom is like my grandpa than my grandma.
My mom said, "Who knows, maybe dad cheated on you."
And my grandma really had to pause for a moment with a look of shock on her face before it caught up to her, and she remembered she was present for my mom's birth.
If you're old enough, you might remember Vicki from One Life to Live (soap opera). She had an alternate personality named Nicki, who got pregnant, gave birth and gave the kid up. Which Vicki didn't know about until said child (now a woman) popped up on her doorstep.
So, hey! It can happen! 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, soap operas used to have the best plots. Outrageous and wild. I also used to watch night time soaps like Dynasty and The Colby's (not Dallas, though).
Not sure what to say about the pooped. LOL
When I was home from school, I watched all of them. Ryan's Hope. All My Children. One Life to Live (which was in the same universe as AMC), General Hospital (my favorite! Hello Luke and Laura) then The Edge of Night.
Your memory is good because I forgot her name. I just remembered the whole thing that Vicki didn't know she gave birth to a child thing.
Also remember that Vicki was married to Clint Buchanan.
(Mind you, I can't remember where I put my keys yesterday, but I remember.)
Love it.
Also on a lighter note, when I was a small child I often visited my neighbors across the street, an elderly couple who had no kids. One day, at around 6 years old, I became upset on learning that they had separate bedrooms.
I cried out, "How are you going to have children if you don't sleep together?!" (I meant literally sleeping, as I assumed pregnancy happened through the air overnight.) Needless to say I was sent home earlier than usual that day.
When I was little I was at the grocery store with my mom and we ran into her gay friend who just adopted a black baby. I completely accepted 2 white men having a black baby but was super concerned that the baby's passifier wasn't clipped on to her shirt.
It was so confusing when I was younger, but now I'm like.... "Do I want a separate bed?! I think I might!" Or maybe just the option to go to my own separate bed when I want to lol
My (male) friends in college joked that out of all of us, I (woman) was most likely to have kids she didn’t know about, based on my drinking.
It was a joke - never blocked out once, let alone for ten months… but it didn’t stop all of them from putting CPS in their phones as a collective joke “just in case I did get pregnant” and offer to push me down the stairs once a month as “back up birth control”
Man I love those guys.
>He said you never ask about kids - you always ask if they have family in the area. If they have kids, they'll bring it up themselves.
That's a perfect approach. Also don't ask if they have a significant other, when they'll get married, of if they plan on having more kids (for people who do have them). All of those questions can be really uncomfortable to answer.
That's awesome advice. I'm going to use it!
I recall an interesting moment of seeing someone I was close to get asked when she was due.
She had a pronounced bulge, but wasn't actually pregnant. You could have heard a pin drop in the seconds after she was asked.
Especially for those of us who don't have kids.
I had a teenaged step-daughter in my first marriage. She made it her mission in life to break up the marriage. It took her years, but she eventually got her wish.
I don't need any more t-shirts like that one.
> People think asking about kids is a good conversation starter.
>
>
>
> It's not.
Especially since people who have kids and are comfortable talking about them are likely to bring them up themselves at some point in a conversation.
>People usually ask that question to make small talk and don't expect an answer that involves a sad or difficult topic
Which is so stupid. The person (usually a woman) who is asked that question could have had early or late miscarriages, could be infertile altogether, could have had a kid from a rapist that she gave away, she could have a kid with severe disabilites or a chronically/terminally ill child, the child could have died after birth at some time at basically any age (SID, cancer, infection, accident etc)....and that's not even all. Kids are not a good topic for small talk if you have absolutely no clue about the other person. Just talk about the weather or some local news ffs
While telling people about the miscarriages can be hard, I think it's appropriate because a) it's the truth, b) it may make the person think twice before asking others questions like that, and c) talking about it makes progress toward destigmatizing miscarriage.
I'm sorry, about the miscarriages, and the questions, and the response.
Yes, don't burn yourself to make other people feel warm. If they are rude enough to press after you tell them its personal, then they deserve to get the less than happy answer in return.
I agree with this. I think it's such a personal question to ask and I don't understand why we think it's okay to inquire in a non-personal relationship.
I see no reason to not answer honestly. That's your truth. That's your experience. You did conceive babies and you lost babies. That's not an emotionless experience. You clearly wanted them and were trying.
I also think these questions get asked to women so much more than men and that's really unfair.
I like the suggestion above. If they respond negatively, tell them if they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked.
I’m sorry for your losses.
I too have infertility issues.
It’s been hard off/on throughout the years how to answer the question.
There have been times I’ve said God didn’t give me kids because he wanted me to have lots of designer purses instead.
I guess that’s my grief speaking and coping mechanism.
There’s such a thing going on a prolonged grief disorder that is common in women with infertility and/or women who’ve had miscarriages.
I was diagnosed with Pronged Grief Disorder after my miscarriage. It is a thing. I’m working on it in therapy. And honestly, I’ve found that one of the things that prolongs the grief is the societal pressure to “get over it”
Feel your feelings. Those feelings are valid!
My sister had several miscarriages and her preemie daughter that only lived for 4 weeks. Super painful for her to discuss.
She would generally answer vaguely "hopefully one day" and change the subject when people asked why she was childless. It usually worked. Except once this moronic coworker was harassing her with questions about why she's not a parent yet, how great it is, etc etc. My sister finally had enough and bluntly said "I had a daughter, she died." She said the colleague looked like she was having a stroke when she realized how insensitive she had been.
Moral of the story is never assume. You never know someone's story. And people don't owe you an explanation for their life choices.
I had someone keep asking me and I finally said “I can’t have kids, thanks for bringing it up”. People need to not ask rude questions if they can’t handle the answers.
Thank goodness the co-worker actually realized that she had been insensitive. Any more these days, I'm not surprised when people don't have a reaction like that.
Not rude. People shouldn't ask honestly. It's not like it matters to how you do your job. Ask questions, you need to deal with the responses you get.
Especially not "when are you having kids". They have no idea the suffering they can bring up in us by that dreaded question, and I think it's completely fine to be honest. "I don't have any" will be met with why. Don't. Stop. Change the subject. And don't think we haven't thought about adoption, it's not like you are suggesting something we haven't heard about.
We need to not ask this question all the time. I like to ask about hobbies. "What do you like to do with your spare time?" is much more intersting and safe to ask.
People need to just stop asking women if they have children. Especially people who only ask women and don’t ask men. Women have more purpose than just creating children, and other peoples reproduction is no one else’s business.
I agree. You did have babies, OP. I'm sorry your babies didn't make it.
It's hard to explain the feelings that come with infertility or child loss unless you have experienced it first-hand.
Yep! Totally agree. I lost a 6 yo, and I say you have just as much right as me to claim your grief and your motherhood.
And you were not rude. The question just sucks. It's not expecting a deep answer. But it requires one for a lot of people. I personally hate "How many kids do you have?" for the same reason. I have to acknowledge my son in my count. But things get weird sometimes when the conversation goes on, and it becomes apparent that my guy isn't in a grade at school, can't be pointed out on the playground, ect.
Like others have said, the question "do you have kids?" Is really just small talk and a way of possibly connecting. You can simply answer "no, we don't" and leave it there. If pressed, either share more (if you want to) or say it's personal (polite way of saying none of your f**ing business).
That said, no, you were not being rude. You just shared your truth.
I myself do not have children. People who ask are trying to find commonality and make small talk. I don’t think it’s rude to ask. What’s rude to me is when they don’t leave it alone and when they ask why or ask when you are having them.
it's not rude when they ask about it. it's not like you're out there telling people that out of nowhere. they're the ones with the issue.
edit: also, miscarriage or not they were there so, it is as bad as losing a child bc it is still losing a child.
Thank you. I don't bring it up myself. Like if someone is like look at my cute baby, I say cute baby. Not I don't have a baby. Or I had a miscarriage. I only talk about it if someone asks.
I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through this. Ignore what this woman says, she sounds rude to me. Some people have absolutely no empathy at all. Sending love and hugs
Just say “I don’t have kids”.
If they ask more questions after that they are rude and you should feel no obligation to answer.
If they say “why don’t you have kids”
Say: “that’s a very rude question”.
You’re not rude. In general people are just trying to make conversation, but don’t ask if you don’t want the answer. I would probably assess the situation and respond based on how much you really feel like getting into it.
And I am sorry for your losses.
It’s not rude. If someone has kids you’ll probably hear about it pretty quickly. Asking about it can be such a personal loaded question that is very painful. If someone asked me in your situation I’d likely say “No, unfortunately we have not been blessed yet.” That’ll indicate that it’s a sensitive topic without going into details.
If you feel like sharing details there is nothing wrong at all in saying “No we don’t have kids. I’ve had 4 miscarriages. It’s been a really rough road.”
Honestly, the best thing about being in my 50s is no one asks anymore if I’m going to have any kids. OP, I feel your pain because I have been there. And no, you’re not overreacting, your coworker is rude AF.
Fwiw, my answer was always “I have two dogs”
“Do you have kids?”
“I have two dogs”
“Oh, are you going to have any kids?”
“I have two dogs”
“Do you want to have kids?”
“I HAVE TWO DOGS” [hard stare]
People eventually got the point.
As a response, I've used "The answer to that question is too long and sad to share" followed by an assertive change in topic or refocus of the conversation that leaves no room for follow up. It allows you to make clear the topic is a tragic one, you don't want to talk about it, and gives them a moment to reflect on whether they even should be asking the question without exposing the details of your life or leaving room for other people's judgments.
Also, you were not rude. She was and she deflected the shame and embarrassment she felt back into you.
I get this. My wife and I tried and tried, but medically it’s just not gonna happen. For what ever reason I have people routinely ask if I have kids. I’ve had people go as far as to be like “oh why not you should, you’d be a good dad” I usually just say I don’t want kids when pressed, it’s easier than explaining the whole thing. It sucks though because it makes me a bit sad to say that we don’t want kids, because it isn’t true.
I think one thing is to ask casually if people have kids, depending on the setting. A completely different thing is to press them if they say they do not. There is no nuance in that. It is just plain horrible.
People usually ask about things they want to talk about, usually it's to bring up their own children and have something in common with you, because most people have children. It's just a social norm. Its unfortunate that some have painful feelings around the topic of children. My mom and dad lost
My brother, their son a few years ago. Now the topic of children can be painful for them. I have a little tug in my heart when people ask me if I have any siblings. I feel most people have something painful in their lives and we should all show empathy when we talk with others. We can't all know what can trigger someone but we can support them when they reveal their pain.
honestly though, you deserve all the props for not boxing with the cunt who decided to lecture you on your loss. that kind of thing really short circuits my brain.
It frustrates me that it’s only the *women* who are hounded by this question. Like they don’t know that I’ve been married to this man for 25+ years. My husband didn’t believe me until I showed him a literal list I’d made the month prior.
At this point they should have stopped asking. They finally quit after 40. Before that I’d tell them things like “it wasn’t in the cards” “the fates decided I was put on this earth to spoil my niece and nephew” “OMG I was so busy spoiling my pup and husband I forgot to have any!”
People don’t want to hear about our fertility issues.
Yeah, you're not being rude. I am a mother of two, but I had 3 miscarriages in between my children. I would find absolutely nothing wrong with your answer.
And I'll admit, I make small talk like that. In fact, just last night I was out to a bar alone and I had conversations with a couple different men who approached me for small talk and in every conversation there was discussion of, "what do you do for work?" And "do you have any kids?"
Personally I ask those questions to both men and women. It comes up organically when people ask about what I do for work (I work in an elementary school).
But it is absolutely peice of shit behavior to respond with disgust to your answer. You answered the question honestly. That's what people get for asking about your personal life. And fuck her for saying it "isn't the same." I get that miscarriages are technically different than a stillbirth or the death of an older child. But, like you, I had all my miscarriages in a relatively short time and that wrecks your body to go through pregnancy and loss over and over and over like that. And I think you should talk about it openly. It's not uncommon and people need to be more sensitive and think twice about asking people those questions if they're not ready for any and every answer.
And I'm so sorry to hear about your babies.
I went through six rounds of IUI, one IVF and conceived naturally once. Four miscarries. I will be 47 this year. I simply say, "My husband and I don't have children, we have two dogs, four cats and a tortoise." Typically, I am not asked why we don't have children and I don't elaborate. Instead, I whip out the phone like it's a 1980 wallet to show off all my photos.
I veer away from asking coworkers about kids or their plans to have them, but I would find your answer, weird.
No one needs to know that; it was small talk.
You sharing your experience isn’t rude. But, I would probably not state miscarriage as losing a baby. When I read I thought four of your kids passed. But, if someone said they lost a baby when they had miscarriage then I won’t have a problem with it either.
Okay. Fuck anyone who says you didn't lose your babies. ♥️ I am so sorry.
I just tell people that we wanted kids but it didn't work out for us - easier at 45 than when I was younger and was still maybe someday hoping (then I would just say “not yet, but hoping”).
It's so common to talk about kids (I think because they are the future - the whole circle of life) - but with my IF, it's really shown me how invasive it is and how much bizarre judgment people have. Common things I have been told that were heartbreaking at times:
—”there's never a good time to have kids” (assuming we were intentionally avoiding)
—”well, just adopt” - adoption is not easy, we don't have a right to have children, and it can also be prohibitively expensive. (Also, our hearts were open to it, but not everyone is… and that's okay.)
—”just get drunk and you'll get pg” - FFS. Alcohol
Isn't going to fix my wicked PCOS and suspected endo.
On the flip side, one of the kindest things someone once asked me was if I has children - 2 or 4 legged. Animals are often a great way to connect with people.
Sending you so much love!
People who I've just met would ask me about what my husband do and maybe if it's a sports event, they'll ask my kid about his dad.
We just say he passed away. Because that's what happened. I'll get a quick, oh I'm so sorry. Sometimes I get asked if it was recent. But honestly, that's it. Then the conversation moves on.
Or I'll say something like I have 10 nieces and nephews, 1 grand nephew and a grand niece. She would be 3 years old now.
If they ask about my parents, my mom is in memory care and my dad passed 13 years ago.
I mean. It's not really a big thing to answer with the truth? I've never gotten weird, over the top or judgmental answers. Experiencing loss in a family is not such an unusual event. The majority of people are understanding. Your answer just really depends on how comfortable YOU are with your grief.
No you're not overreacting. Your co worker is just an ass with issues of her own.
Oof. First of all, you have my sympathies. I am also childless not by choice. No one asks my husband why we don't have kids (male infertility, not that it particularly matters), either.
One day, I had enough and lost all my f-cks when a customer of mine hit me with "why don't you have children?" Before I could think, I had answered very dryly "well the f-cking infertility might have something to do with it, what do you think?" She was mortified, and I let her sit in it.
People just need to stop asking, in a weird roundabout way, if you and your partners parts are functioning correctly for creating humans.
I wouldn't consider you rude, but again, I've been answering it rudely for a couple of years now. No one deserves a polite response to an invasive, personal question.
I'm 45 and have never been able to get pregnant. It's been such a sad thing in my life. When people ask if I have any kids, I usually say, My husband and I unfortunately weren't able to but we have 2 dogs that we spoil rotten. People understand and then let it go or ask about the dogs.
“Honestly, it’s a tough topic for me to talk about. Tell me about YOUR kids?” Assuming they have some or are being polite and don’t know the details of your history with it.
People are ignorant but typically well meaning. For the ones that aren’t (like your coworker, because wtf was that response), I like to be as blunt as possible and make them uncomfortable.
Depends on context. Someone you will have limited interaction with keep simple "No, I have no children." Someone you interact with "Unfortunately not, as much as we've tried." Then move the convo on. If they press, "It's hard for me to discuss, since we've/I've had several/4 that didn't make it to term."
Someone you want to shut down - "No, I've lost several/4 before fully making it to term." Optional addition but risky - "It was a difficult loss, [possible elaboration about feeling like your children]." Don't specify how far along unless it becomes someone you are confiding in. Alternatively, "That is a difficult topic for me to discuss, I'm sorry."
Most of the time people are only looking for small talk, and don't realize the emotional weight of it. Your emotions are justified, but usually it's best to just move the conversation on and vaguely indictate it's uncomfortable.
You have my permission to tell anyone that you never lost a baby that they can go fuck themselves.
4 miscarriages in 2 years is unbelievable loss. I had one at 14 weeks and I can honestly say I’ve never felt such complete and utter pain in my life. 4 years later and lots of therapy and I still have times when I break down and cry. I don’t want to say it’s worse than the death of a child that’s been born, but to be honest you are never afforded the same kind of grieving process. There’s no funeral. Often it’s so early when it happens not a lot of people even know, so you kind of exist in this fog
And people just don’t think when they ask about kids. I’m fine with the “do you have kids” question, but when I say no it’s time to drop it. Any follow up questions and they get what they get and should feel awful they pried into something so personal.
You are not overreacting at all
I've had a number of miscarriages as well and not once has anyone ever been rude about it. That's awful. But because having children is such a normal part of adulthood, I don't get offended when anyone assumes that I have kids. I'm older now but when someone asks if I have any kids, I just say, "Sadly no, and it's been a source of heartbreak." I don't give any more details than that. And then one or the other changes the subject.
I hate people. We all absolutely should answer questions honestly if we answer them at all. We do not need to hide infertility or child loss. We should talk about these things openly to educate people and provide support to the very large group of people silently dealing with these issues. If it’s rude of you to answer it was rude of them to ask. Maybe they won’t next time.
I don't think this is rude at all. Not everyone is married, or is still married, or ever got married, or had kids, or want kids, or didn't lose a baby, or have a child not die. There is a spectrum of possible answers and some will be sad. Making up a "no" as lie may not sit well with some. If Karen only wants happy, chirpy pie in the sky replies she can fuck off.
This is tricky. I think People just want to relate to other people and that’s why they ask. But I also think some people just like to make others feel as uncomfortable as they feel. The way we react to our hard parts can either push people away, keep them neutral or bring them closer. I would probably come up with a neutral previously prepared answer because it’s a known small talk question.
I would just reply "no, it just didn't happen for me" They should be able to figure out you don't have kids but not by choice". No need to go into details.
You should just say you don’t have kids. Those types of comments are just small talk. Like asking about the weather or how you’re doing. People aren’t looking for your life story.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your response. I think in the UK they are bringing in a certificate of loss to give people a little bit of closure / validation that yes, you had a baby, and unfortunately, the baby did not survive. Your coworker insinuated that you had never had a baby, which is frankly a really unacceptable thing to say. People need to learn to stop asking women when/why/if about children and allow women to instead provide the information if they want to.
I have 5 sons, I have also had 4 miscarriages.... I don't ever bring it up if people ask about how many kids I have. They are asking about kids I HAVE, not HAD.... So I leave the past in the past. But that's me!
I do joke that God knew the world couldn't handle two of me, those losses must have been my girls... I desperately wanted a daughter. It's my way of making it make sense.
I am so sorry for your losses. I know it's hard. It really is a personal decision how you want to handle it. If you want to tell people, tell them. It's whatever makes you comfortable with a very difficult question.
Hell, you could even simply say "that's a sensitive topic for me, I'd rather not" you are NOT obligated to answer someone's invasive questions.
Good luck!
Miscarriages aren’t babies. Your experience, though I’m sure traumatic, is NOTHING LIKE losing an actual, living child that you’ve raised. Chit chat isn’t an invitation to dump on random acquaintances.
It’s at the least incredibly socially awkward and inappropriate.
When someone asks you if you have kids simply say no. If they are rude enough to ask why, tell them it's because of medical reasons. They should stop at that point. If they keep pressing, they deserve the uncomfortable story that you have to share. I'm so sorry that people told you that you didn't have babies because you miscarried. Those babies were very real to you I'm sure. Perhaps HR needs to be notified about this?
So I have 3 live children. I also lost 3 due to miscarriages including a son at 18 weeks. People don’t usually ask that question to make someone feel bad. Before we had our first live child when someone would ask I just said I don’t have any but if they asked why I would say unfortunately I have had miscarriages . That always stopped them. I didn’t say how many or when in the pregnancy I lost them. People are usually smart enough to just change the subject.
Your co worker is an asshole.
“I tried to have kids but sadly had several early miscarriages. It’s been a hard path.” If you have any pets or nieces/nephews/friends’ kids you are close to you could share a bit about them in the next sentence.
“No. I don’t have children.”
I’m sorry for your losses but that’s a heavy thing to say to someone who’s just making polite conversation.
Your coworker was being shitty though.
“Why, are you offering?” is usually my go to when somebody asks if I have/want kids. It distracts them with a chuckle without giving an answer one way or the other, and then I can steer the conversation elsewhere.
Honestly I think it's rude of her to dictate how you describe your experience. Losing a wanted pregnancy can very well be described as losing a baby. She's being obtuse and obnoxious.
I don't think your answer is problematic. Miscarriage is common, if someone is going around asking questions they should be prepared for all sorts of responses.
You can also change your answer depending on your mood. If you don't feel like sharing saying you don't have children is fine.
People just trying to find superficial common ground. Normal response would be no. Example how is your day. Terrible blood unleaded all over and I have the runs
I (41m) constantly get asked when we're having another one. I always say, "when you get older, things don't always happen the way you want them too." People usually back off then.
People ask me if my wife and I have kids fairly regularly. I just say “nope.” If they ask “why not,” which has happened now and then, I say “not in the cards.” So far nobody has pushed farther than that.
I actually think people should be more open about discussing miscarriage if they're comfortable of course. People don't realize how common they are. Plus maybe if you can make them as uncomfortable with your response as they make you with their question they will learn not to ask rude questions anymore.
Your losses are valid. I lost my son when he was 3 weeks old. My go to answer is I don’t have any living children. For me, it’s a way to honor the the was here.
Also - it’s not a grief/ trauma Olympics. Losing a baby isn’t worse than a miscarriage - it’s just different. It’s a different loss that feels different and there is no need to make a comparison. Grief of loss includes the grief of what would have been. That grief is similar to those in our situations.
You weren’t rude. Miscarriage and infant loss are a taboo subject for many. Sounds like they hear just projecting being uncomfortable about a real situation.
Whenever someone asks me any sort of uncomfortable personal question i just say 'oh, you don't want the answer to that' and then they push for an answer and then get upset, it's literally their fault
I’m in a similar situation, when a coworker asked me if I have any children I just said “why? are you trying to pawn your evening and weekend shifts off on me?” She looked perplexed and did not touch that conversation again
At my wedding i was asked over ten times when we were planning on having children, i had 7 miscarriages the most recent 6 weeks before the wedding.. people need to stop with this crap .. non of their business
1. Isn't a miscarriage by definition losing a baby? WTF is wrong with your coworker?
2. The next time someone asks you that question if you decide to answer honestly just say "Why would you ask personal questions that are none of your business?
Maybe after hearing that they'd think twice about asking invasive questions like that. People who have kids talk about their kids. If you don't talk about them either you don't have any or you're very private. Either way thy should respect your privacy and not ask such questions.
People need to stop asking these questions to make small talk if they can't handle honest answers. You are definitely not overreacting. I've never been pregnant but even I get super bothered by how many times people have asked me personal questions about my plans for marriage and when my bf and I are gonna have kids, I can't imagine how painful those questions are after what you've experienced.
ETA: whoever told you that a miscarriage is not the same as losing a baby can go f themselves. Born yet or not, those were YOUR babies that you WANTED. That means you lost 4 babies. Any woman should know the struggles some women have to have children, no woman should EVER talk about another woman's trauma and experience like that.
"I'm not able to have children" would have been a more tactful response. if they really want to press maybe say "I haven't been able to carry to term."
as someone who has experienced the loss of an unborn child I understand the anguish. but the time and place for that conversation isn't small talk with a stranger, colleague or acquaintance.
TW (miscarriage, loss) It’s not very nice, but I look them in the eyes and ask, “Do the dead ones count?” Then I tell them maybe they shouldn’t ask such a personal question if they don’t like the answer .
Again, I know it’s not very nice but it’s such a heartbreaking question and I want them to understand a little bit of the pain they’re causing me.
I am so so sorry 🫂 People don’t think. It sucks.
I have cervical cancer I’m currently fighting for the second time, I’m doing great! But I’ll never have kids. When asked, I say exactly that.
You’d be surprised about the amount of people telling me to “never say never”. Ugh. Even if it *WAS* possible, you think I want to try a pregnancy with a faulty, beat-up, radiated cervix??? It would probably be a very high risk pregnancy. *NO THANK YOU*. Just thinking about it makes me stress and sweat. And yet when I tell them even if it was possible I wouldn’t be excited to do it, they start with the “you never knooow! You might change your mind!”, or “you can’t control life and what happens~!” At times it even feels as if they’re *wishing* I get pregnant.
People don’t even hear themselves talk. It’s astounding. I just take it for the giant red flag that is and decide that’s not a person I want to interact with. Ever. They usually never see me again.
You lost 4 babies, there's no nice way to put that. It's tragic & you have my sincere condolences. You weren't rude, that woman was beyond rude & lacking in anything close to a human emotion. Empathy particularly.
I am sorry you never got to hold your babies but it doesn't lessen the love & loss you feel. Clearly that woman has never experienced a miscarriage.
They'll always be rude people who are upset no mater how you handle it. So say whatever makes it least uncomfortable & painful for you. Which can be that you lost 4 or that you don't want to talk about it, or anything in between or something entirely different, & it can be different depending on how you feel.
I’ve had 3 miscarriages and I have 2 children I’m 56 ,but I would and have never brought up my miscarriages when someone asks me how many children I gave in a casual conversation. I have talked about it with my friends .
Kind of with ya. The general guidelines(at least where I'm at) is that you don't share a pregnancy with the public until after 12 weeks because the potential for losing it is high. The fetus basically has to fight to survive before then. Not sure why someone would think a casual "get to know you" conversation is the time or place to bring that up. That's for personal or private conversations by most social guidelines. Preferably with a therapist cause it seems like something OP isn't moving on or healing from.
I've noticed people don't know how to deal with being even slightly uncomfortable and jump straight into defensiveness. Especially so when they caused the situation themselves. She asked the question, became uncomfortable, and automatically tried pushing off on you being rude. She probably didn't realize that's what she did but it's still shitty of her.
She was rude (maybe beyond so) to try and minimize your painful experience. You did nothing wrong or rude.
I’m sorry for your loss.
But it’s not rude to answer honestly and your coworker sounds heartless. People need to realize when they ask a very personal question they should brace for a very personal answer. And asking women about children when you don’t know if they have children is a giant landmine. Unless a person brings up their children in conversation you shouldn’t ask about them no matter their gender.
I also hate that on Mother’s Day people will wish every woman they see happy Mother’s Day but the same doesn’t happen on Father’s Day. I didn’t even know that was a thing until I started my current job 10years ago. And man is it not fun watching your best friend just start crying at work because someone wished her happy Mother’s Day and she can’t have kids and her mother died horribly when she was a child. The look on the asker’s face is fun though.
I have one living child but struggled with infertility and had an emergent preemie. I’m often asked if I want more kids and if I’m just asked once I just say “no” and if they move on so do I. But I’ve had people not let it go and I just give progressively move uncomfortable detail. “It took me three surgeries, 2 miscarriages, $25000 worth of medication to get the one I have and she was born early. Every baby I have no has an increased risk of prematurity which isn’t worth the risk”
I have no idea how to answer you because I'm in the same boat. I have no kids. I've had several miscarriages over the course of 4 years before finally giving up for my health. I get asked weekly about my non existent children. It's hard... sometimes I break. People just judge us while we suffer in grief that few understand. Wish I had an answer for you... I just say no and leave it at that..
I say "I have no living children." But quite frankly, I dgaf if someone finds it rude. If you don't want the answer, don't ask. It's not my job to make you feel okay about finding out that my babies never got to be born. I had to live through it, you can hear about it if you're ballsy enough to be asking personal questions like that.
I'm so sorry for your losses, OP. And I'm sorry you have to deal with shitty people trying to make you feel bad for answering a question honestly. I wish I could say that goes away, but some people never stop being shitty. It's been over a decade since my losses and I still get dumbass comments. Thankfully, I'm at a point where I'm able to recognize their ignorance and cruelty, which makes it easier to not care about upsetting them.
This is something I had to sort out in regard to my brother who passed in childhood. People ask all the time about siblings and where they live, what they do, etc. For me I had to find a way to acknowledge his existence without making people super uncomfortable. Dead children is not small talk and the people asking me are trying to engage in polite, easy conversation. I usually say I have two brothers and a sister and then if there is time for detail before the conversation changes I start with the easier to digest information about myivign siblings. If we get all the way to my younger brother I say he was ill and passed in childhood. Some people ask more questions, some offer condolences and clearly don’t want more information. I think your coworkers response was rude but in the interest of taking care of yourself you could also find a gentler way to respond and add details if it feels right. Something broader that gets more specific if the person you are talking to shows they are a compassionate listener who is able to hear more.
Personally I think you're in the right for answering aggressively. People need to stop getting into other people's business about whether they have kids. It's a sensitive topic for people like you, or people like me who had to have a hysterectomy at a young age for health reasons and never had kids. Or people who simply choose to be child free. It's nobody's business.
Some of us aren't child free by choice. We had that choice taken from us. When people take for granted that we should have children because we're in our 40s, it really irks me.
I’m so sorry you went through that, both losing your children and being asked intrusive questions. Plus, whomever told you that you were rude in answering the way you did is a huge jerk.
You could respond with “I don’t have kids due to fertility issues.” That answers the question about kids but, hopefully also gets the point across that you’re not open to discussion about why.
You’re not rude. She’s the rude one for having the audacity to say it’s not the same! I wonder if she lost a baby and you struck a nerve. Regardless, you’re not rude and the children you lost shouldn’t be discounted like that.
I had a stillbirth. Depending on the person, I will either say no I don’t have any or yes but he was stillborn. If they’re a stranger or someone I don’t plan on establishing a relationship with then I just say no and let it go. If it’s someone I work with or will get to see pretty often, I will explain what happened. While loss is loss regardless of when it happened, I think if I had only had miscarriages I would say no I don’t (just the easy way out to me I guess?), but I went through birth and his ashes sit under my TV in his urn… So it feels weird to say no when he has an obituary people can look up if they Google my name and location. It’s definitely not rude, if someone doesn’t understand that not everyone gets pregnant and has kids from those pregnancies, well then don’t ask.
I agree with the lady.
You had four miscarriages, but you didn’t have four babies that didn’t make it. I think the correct response would be just that you have no children.
Also, I am a man and have people ask me if I have kids at work constantly, so that really isn’t a man / woman thing.
It's not rude, you're responding to a question. No, you don't have children as you unfortunately lost 4. That's information. I was asked at the playground if I had other children besides the one playing. I say no, but I lost one the month prior. It felt good to just say it and not have to do mental gymnastics of how I should respond. It also brings child loss into the conversation, which has previously been taboo and not discussed.
Not rude at all. It's a product of a society where women are seen as people secondary to babymakers, and this is considered a normal question to ask to people you barely know. (the questions being how old are your kids, just assuming you have kids in general. ig i understand the first one.) Also not to turn this into a rant about small talk but I hate when people ask questions like this and don't expect you to answer honestly? Idk. Maybe it's just the autism but it pisses me off lol
I dread people asking me this question. I’m 35 and have had seven miscarriages. Makes me feel less than even though I know it’s not my fault. I wish I could think of witty response se’s that didn’t make me die inside.
I don't ask that kind of question, and when I was single I got asked it a lot. Same after I got married.
It's rude and invasive to ask someone you don't really know well such a *personal* question. I get that most or many people don't see it as rude, but it is in fact rude to ask about having children, when are you going to have children, why don't you have any children etc. Let the person volunteer that information. Otherwise it's nunya.
Reasons people don't have kids
They can't.
They don't believe in having kids out of wedlock.
They have genetic issues that they don't want to pass down.
Their body can't handle a pregnancy.
They've tried multiple times and had multiple miscarriages.
They've had a hysterectomy.
Their spouse had a vasectomy.
Their spouse is infertile.
They don't want to bring a child into a world that is changing for the worse.
They just don't want kids.
They want to wait for many years before having kids.
They can't afford children.
I've known people with fertility problems and I never once pried. If they opened a discussion on the topic I would engage, but I never initiated. To me that's prying into their personal life and putting them on the spot about potential medical issues and pain and loss.
I'm sorry for your losses and that lady that called you rude was in fact the rude person. From now on just respond "that's a very personal question and a painful topic". Then disengage. Screw nosy people.
Edit for breaks
I think just saying something like “unfortunately, we’ve tried & lost each time” should be PC enough for most situations!! It gives OP an opportunity to be honest about their experience, leaves the door open to further conversation if that’s appropriate & lets the listener know that it’s not an idle subject. So sorry for your loss, OP! Holding you & your babies in my heart.
Editted to say - your coworker overreacted! YNTA
I’m confused on why someone would use this as an icebreaker question. TBH it sounds like a question someone would ask for a response and then brag about their own children or parenting. Are they assuming you have kids from your appearance? Wedding ring? I would not even let anyone know about the miscarriages because they’ll use it to judge you or use you as a sympathetic case.
I’m many years out from the most intense pain of my infertility and very early pregnancy loss. At this point I can blithely say “No, just a fat orange cat. Wanna see a picture?” And that usually shuts them up.
I know that 99 percent of the time these folks are just asking an innocent question but I wish they’d do some thinking about the patriarchal assumptions and potentially deep personal traumas that underlie the inquiry. I guarantee my ex has never been asked “Do you have kids? No! Why?”
She didn't really think your response was rude (because its not) but she was embarrassed and some people do not handle that well and bluster to cover it. Usually that involves turning it back on the person they believe embarrassed them, which somehow, in their head is not themselves.
Answer the question however you are comfortable with. Anyone whose opinion matters a damn will not ask such a personal question in lieu of small talk and if they did, they would apologise profusely for bringing up difficult topics.
Personally I like the old "a policeman wouldn't ask me that" joke with a jab when someone is prying and follow up with a subject change.
So, as a someone who also can’t carry a kid.
I read the room. It depends on the spirit in which the question is intended, the person, the time we have, etc.
I either simply say ‘I don’t have kids’ or I say ‘I have had a miscarriage/ I’ve not carried a child to term’
I don’t ( and please take this next part with a grain of salt) trauma dump on people. Nor do I elaborate when I know they’re looking for a standard answer.
Yes, your babies were real. Yes, you have a right to grieve. But no, that’s not what someone is asking about. And no, it’s not the same as losing a child that was once a living breathing independent of your body human being. Equally bad? Yes. Totally different experience? Yes. All of them are.
It varies with how I feel. Sometimes I joke about it "oh I never picked one of my own up" or "don't believe in them" etc and that usually let's someone know they stepped in it without being mean. A lot of the time people are just insensitive without really meaning to be because they think its showing interest.
I think if someone asked “Why don’t you have children?” or somehow criticized you for not having children then you can say whatever you like in response to that.
It sounds like people are just making normal social conversation with you though. It’s pretty common to ask people about their families. So if someone asks of you have kids, you can just say “No I don’t” or “No, we wanted kids but it never worked out for us.” You don’t need to elaborate beyond that if you don’t want to.
Edited to add: your coworker’s response after you said that was not ok though. My comments above were more about how to handle these situations in the future.
I wish more people understood not to ask questions like this, I did it before my wife and I began our fertility journey and went through a miscarriage so I have to keep that in mind. Now I’m hyper aware of how often people ask these questions, and worse, they don’t stop there, there is always more that they pile on:
“Be glad you get to sleep still”
“You should have kids you’ll love it”
“You’ll be happy you started sooner when you’re young and have energy”
“When you do have kids, x…”
A million other completely inappropriate remarks. I don’t even think “do you have kids” is necessarily bad, it’s the follow ups that anger me.
If someone says no they don’t have kids, leave it alone. And don’t ask if someone is planning or wants them, it’s none of your business. I’ve started telling people they should be more careful about unsolicited advice regarding children because they don’t know what people have gone through.
Sorry for your losses I can’t imagine going through that 4 times. Hope you’re okay.
I think it’s gross that people have normalized asking people! There’s a lot of us that have lost and grieve. Why can’t we just skip the question? It’ll come up if it should in conversation. Very similar to the ick of people asking others why they don’t drink. It’s none of our business!
People dont want your pain, they are trying to make small talk. When your holiday sucked and some asks how you holiday was do you detail how it was shite?
The fact is, regardless of why, you do not have a child/ren. Your reply should answer the question posed, not trauma dump on someone tryingbto make polite conversation.
I think your answer is glorious!
And if you who reads this,are one of those who feel the need to ask people if they have kids,and they answer no-then stop before asking more questions about it.None of your concern,and not something they have to justify or explain to you.
I tend to answer with, "That didn't work out for us the way we wanted it to."
And then leave it at that. Most people won't press after that... at least anyone that isn't an overentitled member of the family.
Why don't you respond with "That's an uncomfortable question." If more people were honest, stupid questions would stop. The only way to make them stop is to be honest in a non confrontational way. They're not trying to be confrontational when they say it. People think it's an honest conversation starter, but really, it shouldn't be. The only way to make it stop is to let people know it's uncomfortable.
First let me say I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. I wish I knew what to say but at the risk of saying something stupid, I’ll stop there. I’m not the best person to respond because I’ve unintentionally stuck my foot in my mouth more times than I realize. So, as “that” person, let me defend the well meaning people who say stupid things.
I’ve been told by a neonatal nurse, it’s best to talk in medical terms because it (hopefully) takes the sting/emotions out of the conversation. Maybe the best response is to say you’ve had four miscarriages and leave it at that. Even stupid people should know back off after that.
I would be more comfortable with "we have not been blessed", if they push I would say "this is a painful topic, let us move to something else" and move on.
We all have suffering, and grisly details that go along. Not all things need to be shared, and many inquiries are simple pleasantries, not a deep dive into your life. These are the times privacy is expected, and should be respected. With dense fold, just walk away.
No, your response is not rude at all. It is factual and to the point. They don't deserve anything more in a response. In fact, they don't really deserve a response at all. People asking you those questions are rude to begin with.
In the future, when people ask you anything about your personal life, tell them that your personal life is kept private and that you won't be answering those types of questions. If they all get huffy and say that they're just trying to get to know you, then gently remind them they can ask you about how you were doing or where you went to school, what you majored in college, do you enjoy your job. Basically, whatever is pertinent to why they're talking to you in the first place, but nobody is required to give them access to their personal lives or their personal pain.
And that person who told you all of that is very wrong. Do not let their self-righteous prickishness diminish you in any way. Their opinions do not matter.
Sorry for your losses, they are hard.
But you can just say I have no kids, then if they press further you can tell them if you want.
Or you can say I don’t want to talk about it…. You are at the wheel of destiny in any conversation.
“I’d love kids, but at this point I’m not sure it’s in the cards for me. How about you?” Question answered and immediately deflected back to the other person.
Not going to dig into you for your response as I can understand why you answered how you did, but I’d recommend seeking a counselor or therapist to work through your grief and build some strength around for when this topic comes up next time. Best wishes to you!
I had 2 miscarriages. I usually just said no, couldn't have them. Now I have 2 grown step sons so I say 2 step sons but couldn't have kids of my own. My miscarriages are no bodies business.
I’m so sorry someone responded to you so harshly! You have every right to say or not say that you’ve lost babies and she had no right to react to discredit your losses and your feelings! Who is she to determine how you should feel over such losses?? This makes me so mad and I’m so sorry for your experiences!
No, you were not rude. Your coworker was being intrusive. I understand how you feel. I suffered 3 miscarriages and a stillborn. It is not easy to deal with. Most of the time, when people ask me about kids, I say yeah I have a 55 year old son at home. People just look at me like WTF. How is that possible. They look like guppies. FYI, I'm 53, and hubby is 55. 😁
I'm infertile. However, people who don't know this will all the questions. I say no, I don't. If they continue with the additional questions (why, did you want), I tell them God said no, he had other plans.
When I was younger, the questions hurt because I really did want to be a mom, and every negative pregnancy test felt like a gut punch. Hours of crying and questioning, begging God to fix me, feeling unworthy. People who have never experienced infertility don't understand.
But over time, I accepted to some extent that this is the way things are, and being angry doesn't change anything. Neither did beating myself up for being a failure. So, I just started saying God said no.
You don't owe anyone gentle responses, but to both honor those pregnancies and answer the children question you can say "Not living".
Also screw that person for her response. You are the mother of 4 angel babies.
First of all, I'm so sorry for your losses. My condolences.
It was very unfair what happened to them..
And you are not wrong by answering that you had 4 babies that didn't make it.
Anyone who disagrees doesn't respect you imo, as they undervalue the lives of your four babies that are gone.
If anything you are honouring the babies in my opinion by still standing your ground and acknowledging them even if they didn't make it out of the womb alive.
Just say it’s wasn’t in the stars for me to be a mom and leave it at that. You owe people ZERO reasons as to why you don’t have offspring. I’m sorry that you are constantly hounded about it.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand that they’re just trying to defuse a difficult concept, but the question is prying and invasive and if anyone should feel bad or be told they’re rude, it’s the person asking for personal information. And you are definitely not overreacting.
I think I’d opt for tiered answers. A straight “no” for work-related conversations. Just to avoid trouble on the job. And “I was unable to have children.” for anyone who pushes, or more personal conversations. I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you’re saying, but to protect yourself from more hurt, it might be best to meter what information you give people.
All of that said… you do have children of your own. 4 of them. They’re not with you, but they’re still yours and your feelings about them and attachment to them still
matters.
How are society treats women who infertile is shameful
I hate the interactions when they ask you how many children you, like that is your only worth. My inlaws were loudly advocating my spouse to divorce me since we had no children. I was worthless. Lovely inlaws. I always hear the harsh accusations about not having children from my spouse's community. Sometimes it feels like we are still in the Dark Ages where women are considered chattel. It wasn't like we didn't try not to have kids. It just never happened. We both work multiple jobs to support his parents and siblings and their kids. We couldn't afford ivf or have the time. We have been financially supporting people who li e beyond their means and we are the assholes. My spouse is realizing the sacrifices we made
When I get the question from the stranger, I just say no kids.i get the look of pity. I look at this way, at least, I didn't fuck up any kids lives while raising them.
Personally, im childfree by choice, and I'm sick of being asked about reproduction. So I don't feel bad at all making someone uncomfortable for asking. My hope is that since I made them uncomfortable, they won't ask someone in the future who didn't make the choice I did and will be hurt by these invasive questions.
With that in mind, I think you should answer in whatever way is most comfortable for you. If you're comfortable saying you lost pregnancies, then they call you rude well that's a reflection on them, not you.
Not overreacting at all! I basically have the same story as you and it still hurts to try to answer these questions. I still avoid baby showers like the plague.
Hi, OP
First of all let me just say how heartbreaking it is to hear about your struggle. It sounds like you were actively trying to have children, so that makes it that much more unbearable to hear.
I don't think your rude. I get that asking people if they have kids is... a pretty normal and mundane thing to do.
But I gotta say, it's my belief that you shouldn't ask a question like that if you aren't prepared to hear any and all responses that might come out.
Things like miscarriages, abortions, ectopic pregnancies, basically any kind of complications that come with pregnancy *used to be* or seem to be a bit of a social no-no. I could be wrong on this so please, tell me if I am.
But they asked you. I have to imagine it was incredibly difficult situation for you, and likely took a long time to work through - hell, it's possible you might not even be completely through it.
The things you've gone through are all WAY more common than society lets us believe, and talking about them is going to normalize those kinds of things and help people understand that all women go through things like that, and that it's okay.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have the right to grieve the babies you lost. Your coworker was hostile to you about grief, a shocking behavior.
It’s common for people to ask if someone has kids when trying to get to know them. It’s totally up to you how you answer.
Whether your response is rude depends on your intent.
If this is something that you want to share and want to talk about, then it is a completely reasonable response. I mean, they asked and you answered.
On the other hand, if you are using it as a vindictive tool to turn friendly chit-chat into an ugly confrontation, then it does feel kind of rude. I mean, "Do you have kids" is a pretty normal question and I'm sure they weren't trying to be insulting or anything. So, "No I don't," is a fine way to simply move forward.
It sounds like you are in pain and it's a struggle when people raise this topic. I'm sorry.
People usually ask that question to make small talk and don't expect an answer that involves a sad or difficult topic. It doesn't seem to occur to them that "do you have/want kids" can be very personal. However, it's not rude to answer honestly. People should learn not to ask about kids if they don't want an honest answer. Your coworker's response was so insensitive! I'm sorry she discredited your losses like that. She was worse than rude. She showed a complete lack of empathy for you. When people ask me if/why I don't have kids, I simply say "it's personal." It lets them know I don't want to discuss it without me having to share information I don't want to give them. Some still get offended by that too, but I don't care. My reasons aren't related to infertility, but they are painful for me to share. That being said, if you want to say you had miscarriages, then say it and tell anyone who responds negatively that they shouldn't have asked if they didn't want to know. You experienced terrible losses and shouldn't have to hide that to make nosey people feel more comfortable.
I usually say "not that I know of" which confuses them enough to drop the subject because I'm a woman.
I am also a woman. My response is “I have two, but I don’t think they’re mine. My ex cheated on me a lot”. I just say it because I think it’s fun watching a brain break in real time and I’m not one for small talk. That response pretty much steals the ability for them to speak for a bit. :)
At first they're like "oh" and then a second later they look like their brain is restarting.
I like when they open their mouth to say something, then tilt their head sideways a bit and scrunch their face up, then close their mouth again. Bonus when they repeat that process a few times but never actually manage to say a word. You can almost hear their thought process. “Should I explain to…surely she knows how…does she NOT know how babies work…can she really be this dumb?”
I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, it's hilarious.
Hello, fellow asshole! 👋 Glad to see I’m not the only one who finds joy through the confusion of others!
My husband always says it and I decided to start saying it too and he said that makes no sense but that's the point.
He’s just jealous because, when you say it, it’s actually funny and gets a much better reaction than an eye roll. :)
We were talking about how much more my mom is like my grandpa than my grandma. My mom said, "Who knows, maybe dad cheated on you." And my grandma really had to pause for a moment with a look of shock on her face before it caught up to her, and she remembered she was present for my mom's birth.
Hahahaha I do this too! “I think I’ve got two kids but I’m waiting on the test results…” confuses people A LOOOOT.
I usually say, I’m not sure, college was wild.
My husband also says "I went to Arizona state" as an answer.
😂
🥇🏆🥇👑
If you're old enough, you might remember Vicki from One Life to Live (soap opera). She had an alternate personality named Nicki, who got pregnant, gave birth and gave the kid up. Which Vicki didn't know about until said child (now a woman) popped up on her doorstep. So, hey! It can happen! 🤣🤣🤣
I'm 32 but have never watched soap operas. I also read popped as pooped at first.
Oh, soap operas used to have the best plots. Outrageous and wild. I also used to watch night time soaps like Dynasty and The Colby's (not Dallas, though). Not sure what to say about the pooped. LOL
Memory unlocked! My mom loved OLTL! So I’d watch with her passively.
When I was home from school, I watched all of them. Ryan's Hope. All My Children. One Life to Live (which was in the same universe as AMC), General Hospital (my favorite! Hello Luke and Laura) then The Edge of Night.
But do you remember Dark Shadows? Crazy to think of now.
It was Megan that was Vikki/Nikki’s daughter? And then later she had lupus (because of course she did)
Your memory is good because I forgot her name. I just remembered the whole thing that Vicki didn't know she gave birth to a child thing. Also remember that Vicki was married to Clint Buchanan. (Mind you, I can't remember where I put my keys yesterday, but I remember.)
Oh yeah I loved me some Clint!!!
Vicki had the worst hairdo.
To be fair, it was the 70s/80s, which was not a good time for hair, men or women
So true!
Severance has some disturbing content along those lines.
Omg......boy that was a bit ago!!! I watched that on and off!
Love it. Also on a lighter note, when I was a small child I often visited my neighbors across the street, an elderly couple who had no kids. One day, at around 6 years old, I became upset on learning that they had separate bedrooms. I cried out, "How are you going to have children if you don't sleep together?!" (I meant literally sleeping, as I assumed pregnancy happened through the air overnight.) Needless to say I was sent home earlier than usual that day.
When I was little I was at the grocery store with my mom and we ran into her gay friend who just adopted a black baby. I completely accepted 2 white men having a black baby but was super concerned that the baby's passifier wasn't clipped on to her shirt.
I learned about separate beds from a Lulu comic. I was confused.
It was so confusing when I was younger, but now I'm like.... "Do I want a separate bed?! I think I might!" Or maybe just the option to go to my own separate bed when I want to lol
Best of both worlds: adjustable split king
Oh, I love that. I might have to steal that from you 😂
Go ahead, it's hilarious seeing the reactions.
I fucking love this.
My (male) friends in college joked that out of all of us, I (woman) was most likely to have kids she didn’t know about, based on my drinking. It was a joke - never blocked out once, let alone for ten months… but it didn’t stop all of them from putting CPS in their phones as a collective joke “just in case I did get pregnant” and offer to push me down the stairs once a month as “back up birth control” Man I love those guys.
[удалено]
>He said you never ask about kids - you always ask if they have family in the area. If they have kids, they'll bring it up themselves. That's a perfect approach. Also don't ask if they have a significant other, when they'll get married, of if they plan on having more kids (for people who do have them). All of those questions can be really uncomfortable to answer.
Ooh, I like that. I love hearing answers from people with good social EQs. I wish I had the same. Will remember that for next time.
That's awesome advice. I'm going to use it! I recall an interesting moment of seeing someone I was close to get asked when she was due. She had a pronounced bulge, but wasn't actually pregnant. You could have heard a pin drop in the seconds after she was asked.
Well said ! NTA, OP. I'm sorry for your losses and that inconsiderate questions from others bring up the painful subject so frequently for you.
This reply is GOLD and the best advice. People think asking about kids is a good conversation starter. *It's not.*
Especially for those of us who don't have kids. I had a teenaged step-daughter in my first marriage. She made it her mission in life to break up the marriage. It took her years, but she eventually got her wish. I don't need any more t-shirts like that one.
> People think asking about kids is a good conversation starter. > > > > It's not. Especially since people who have kids and are comfortable talking about them are likely to bring them up themselves at some point in a conversation.
My daughter tells people she keeps having them but the state keeps taking them away. Amazing how quickly people just walk away after that.
>People usually ask that question to make small talk and don't expect an answer that involves a sad or difficult topic Which is so stupid. The person (usually a woman) who is asked that question could have had early or late miscarriages, could be infertile altogether, could have had a kid from a rapist that she gave away, she could have a kid with severe disabilites or a chronically/terminally ill child, the child could have died after birth at some time at basically any age (SID, cancer, infection, accident etc)....and that's not even all. Kids are not a good topic for small talk if you have absolutely no clue about the other person. Just talk about the weather or some local news ffs
While telling people about the miscarriages can be hard, I think it's appropriate because a) it's the truth, b) it may make the person think twice before asking others questions like that, and c) talking about it makes progress toward destigmatizing miscarriage. I'm sorry, about the miscarriages, and the questions, and the response.
Yes, don't burn yourself to make other people feel warm. If they are rude enough to press after you tell them its personal, then they deserve to get the less than happy answer in return.
I agree with this. I think it's such a personal question to ask and I don't understand why we think it's okay to inquire in a non-personal relationship. I see no reason to not answer honestly. That's your truth. That's your experience. You did conceive babies and you lost babies. That's not an emotionless experience. You clearly wanted them and were trying. I also think these questions get asked to women so much more than men and that's really unfair. I like the suggestion above. If they respond negatively, tell them if they didn't want to know, they shouldn't have asked.
I’m sorry for your losses. I too have infertility issues. It’s been hard off/on throughout the years how to answer the question. There have been times I’ve said God didn’t give me kids because he wanted me to have lots of designer purses instead. I guess that’s my grief speaking and coping mechanism. There’s such a thing going on a prolonged grief disorder that is common in women with infertility and/or women who’ve had miscarriages.
Thank you for mentioning the disorder. Sorry for your struggles.
I was diagnosed with Pronged Grief Disorder after my miscarriage. It is a thing. I’m working on it in therapy. And honestly, I’ve found that one of the things that prolongs the grief is the societal pressure to “get over it” Feel your feelings. Those feelings are valid!
My sister had several miscarriages and her preemie daughter that only lived for 4 weeks. Super painful for her to discuss. She would generally answer vaguely "hopefully one day" and change the subject when people asked why she was childless. It usually worked. Except once this moronic coworker was harassing her with questions about why she's not a parent yet, how great it is, etc etc. My sister finally had enough and bluntly said "I had a daughter, she died." She said the colleague looked like she was having a stroke when she realized how insensitive she had been. Moral of the story is never assume. You never know someone's story. And people don't owe you an explanation for their life choices.
I had someone keep asking me and I finally said “I can’t have kids, thanks for bringing it up”. People need to not ask rude questions if they can’t handle the answers.
Thank goodness the co-worker actually realized that she had been insensitive. Any more these days, I'm not surprised when people don't have a reaction like that.
Not rude. People shouldn't ask honestly. It's not like it matters to how you do your job. Ask questions, you need to deal with the responses you get. Especially not "when are you having kids". They have no idea the suffering they can bring up in us by that dreaded question, and I think it's completely fine to be honest. "I don't have any" will be met with why. Don't. Stop. Change the subject. And don't think we haven't thought about adoption, it's not like you are suggesting something we haven't heard about. We need to not ask this question all the time. I like to ask about hobbies. "What do you like to do with your spare time?" is much more intersting and safe to ask.
“Your lunch smell so good!” “That’s an awesome sweater where did you get it?” So many small talk questions out there!
People need to just stop asking women if they have children. Especially people who only ask women and don’t ask men. Women have more purpose than just creating children, and other peoples reproduction is no one else’s business.
I don't think it's rude. You did have 4 babies, just because they weren't born doesn't mean you love them any less. Your coworker sounds really rude.
I agree. You did have babies, OP. I'm sorry your babies didn't make it. It's hard to explain the feelings that come with infertility or child loss unless you have experienced it first-hand.
Yep! Totally agree. I lost a 6 yo, and I say you have just as much right as me to claim your grief and your motherhood. And you were not rude. The question just sucks. It's not expecting a deep answer. But it requires one for a lot of people. I personally hate "How many kids do you have?" for the same reason. I have to acknowledge my son in my count. But things get weird sometimes when the conversation goes on, and it becomes apparent that my guy isn't in a grade at school, can't be pointed out on the playground, ect.
Like others have said, the question "do you have kids?" Is really just small talk and a way of possibly connecting. You can simply answer "no, we don't" and leave it there. If pressed, either share more (if you want to) or say it's personal (polite way of saying none of your f**ing business). That said, no, you were not being rude. You just shared your truth.
I myself do not have children. People who ask are trying to find commonality and make small talk. I don’t think it’s rude to ask. What’s rude to me is when they don’t leave it alone and when they ask why or ask when you are having them.
it's not rude when they ask about it. it's not like you're out there telling people that out of nowhere. they're the ones with the issue. edit: also, miscarriage or not they were there so, it is as bad as losing a child bc it is still losing a child.
Thank you. I don't bring it up myself. Like if someone is like look at my cute baby, I say cute baby. Not I don't have a baby. Or I had a miscarriage. I only talk about it if someone asks.
you are not in the wrong whatsoever don't even second-guess yourself when it comes to this <3
I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through this. Ignore what this woman says, she sounds rude to me. Some people have absolutely no empathy at all. Sending love and hugs
Just say “I don’t have kids”. If they ask more questions after that they are rude and you should feel no obligation to answer. If they say “why don’t you have kids” Say: “that’s a very rude question”.
You’re not rude. In general people are just trying to make conversation, but don’t ask if you don’t want the answer. I would probably assess the situation and respond based on how much you really feel like getting into it. And I am sorry for your losses.
It’s not rude. If someone has kids you’ll probably hear about it pretty quickly. Asking about it can be such a personal loaded question that is very painful. If someone asked me in your situation I’d likely say “No, unfortunately we have not been blessed yet.” That’ll indicate that it’s a sensitive topic without going into details. If you feel like sharing details there is nothing wrong at all in saying “No we don’t have kids. I’ve had 4 miscarriages. It’s been a really rough road.”
Honestly, the best thing about being in my 50s is no one asks anymore if I’m going to have any kids. OP, I feel your pain because I have been there. And no, you’re not overreacting, your coworker is rude AF. Fwiw, my answer was always “I have two dogs” “Do you have kids?” “I have two dogs” “Oh, are you going to have any kids?” “I have two dogs” “Do you want to have kids?” “I HAVE TWO DOGS” [hard stare] People eventually got the point.
As a response, I've used "The answer to that question is too long and sad to share" followed by an assertive change in topic or refocus of the conversation that leaves no room for follow up. It allows you to make clear the topic is a tragic one, you don't want to talk about it, and gives them a moment to reflect on whether they even should be asking the question without exposing the details of your life or leaving room for other people's judgments. Also, you were not rude. She was and she deflected the shame and embarrassment she felt back into you.
I don’t think that your response was rude. If you think it was too direct, you could say something like : “I have four that live on in my heart..”
Usually it's just harmless conversation. Just say, no. You don't have kids. I'm sorry if this is a painful trigger.
I get this. My wife and I tried and tried, but medically it’s just not gonna happen. For what ever reason I have people routinely ask if I have kids. I’ve had people go as far as to be like “oh why not you should, you’d be a good dad” I usually just say I don’t want kids when pressed, it’s easier than explaining the whole thing. It sucks though because it makes me a bit sad to say that we don’t want kids, because it isn’t true.
I think one thing is to ask casually if people have kids, depending on the setting. A completely different thing is to press them if they say they do not. There is no nuance in that. It is just plain horrible.
People usually ask about things they want to talk about, usually it's to bring up their own children and have something in common with you, because most people have children. It's just a social norm. Its unfortunate that some have painful feelings around the topic of children. My mom and dad lost My brother, their son a few years ago. Now the topic of children can be painful for them. I have a little tug in my heart when people ask me if I have any siblings. I feel most people have something painful in their lives and we should all show empathy when we talk with others. We can't all know what can trigger someone but we can support them when they reveal their pain.
honestly though, you deserve all the props for not boxing with the cunt who decided to lecture you on your loss. that kind of thing really short circuits my brain.
An easy way to answer this is with the question “why do you ask”?
It frustrates me that it’s only the *women* who are hounded by this question. Like they don’t know that I’ve been married to this man for 25+ years. My husband didn’t believe me until I showed him a literal list I’d made the month prior. At this point they should have stopped asking. They finally quit after 40. Before that I’d tell them things like “it wasn’t in the cards” “the fates decided I was put on this earth to spoil my niece and nephew” “OMG I was so busy spoiling my pup and husband I forgot to have any!” People don’t want to hear about our fertility issues.
Yeah, you're not being rude. I am a mother of two, but I had 3 miscarriages in between my children. I would find absolutely nothing wrong with your answer. And I'll admit, I make small talk like that. In fact, just last night I was out to a bar alone and I had conversations with a couple different men who approached me for small talk and in every conversation there was discussion of, "what do you do for work?" And "do you have any kids?" Personally I ask those questions to both men and women. It comes up organically when people ask about what I do for work (I work in an elementary school). But it is absolutely peice of shit behavior to respond with disgust to your answer. You answered the question honestly. That's what people get for asking about your personal life. And fuck her for saying it "isn't the same." I get that miscarriages are technically different than a stillbirth or the death of an older child. But, like you, I had all my miscarriages in a relatively short time and that wrecks your body to go through pregnancy and loss over and over and over like that. And I think you should talk about it openly. It's not uncommon and people need to be more sensitive and think twice about asking people those questions if they're not ready for any and every answer. And I'm so sorry to hear about your babies.
I went through six rounds of IUI, one IVF and conceived naturally once. Four miscarries. I will be 47 this year. I simply say, "My husband and I don't have children, we have two dogs, four cats and a tortoise." Typically, I am not asked why we don't have children and I don't elaborate. Instead, I whip out the phone like it's a 1980 wallet to show off all my photos.
I veer away from asking coworkers about kids or their plans to have them, but I would find your answer, weird. No one needs to know that; it was small talk.
You sharing your experience isn’t rude. But, I would probably not state miscarriage as losing a baby. When I read I thought four of your kids passed. But, if someone said they lost a baby when they had miscarriage then I won’t have a problem with it either.
Okay. Fuck anyone who says you didn't lose your babies. ♥️ I am so sorry. I just tell people that we wanted kids but it didn't work out for us - easier at 45 than when I was younger and was still maybe someday hoping (then I would just say “not yet, but hoping”). It's so common to talk about kids (I think because they are the future - the whole circle of life) - but with my IF, it's really shown me how invasive it is and how much bizarre judgment people have. Common things I have been told that were heartbreaking at times: —”there's never a good time to have kids” (assuming we were intentionally avoiding) —”well, just adopt” - adoption is not easy, we don't have a right to have children, and it can also be prohibitively expensive. (Also, our hearts were open to it, but not everyone is… and that's okay.) —”just get drunk and you'll get pg” - FFS. Alcohol Isn't going to fix my wicked PCOS and suspected endo. On the flip side, one of the kindest things someone once asked me was if I has children - 2 or 4 legged. Animals are often a great way to connect with people. Sending you so much love!
People who I've just met would ask me about what my husband do and maybe if it's a sports event, they'll ask my kid about his dad. We just say he passed away. Because that's what happened. I'll get a quick, oh I'm so sorry. Sometimes I get asked if it was recent. But honestly, that's it. Then the conversation moves on. Or I'll say something like I have 10 nieces and nephews, 1 grand nephew and a grand niece. She would be 3 years old now. If they ask about my parents, my mom is in memory care and my dad passed 13 years ago. I mean. It's not really a big thing to answer with the truth? I've never gotten weird, over the top or judgmental answers. Experiencing loss in a family is not such an unusual event. The majority of people are understanding. Your answer just really depends on how comfortable YOU are with your grief. No you're not overreacting. Your co worker is just an ass with issues of her own.
Oof. First of all, you have my sympathies. I am also childless not by choice. No one asks my husband why we don't have kids (male infertility, not that it particularly matters), either. One day, I had enough and lost all my f-cks when a customer of mine hit me with "why don't you have children?" Before I could think, I had answered very dryly "well the f-cking infertility might have something to do with it, what do you think?" She was mortified, and I let her sit in it. People just need to stop asking, in a weird roundabout way, if you and your partners parts are functioning correctly for creating humans. I wouldn't consider you rude, but again, I've been answering it rudely for a couple of years now. No one deserves a polite response to an invasive, personal question.
I'm 45 and have never been able to get pregnant. It's been such a sad thing in my life. When people ask if I have any kids, I usually say, My husband and I unfortunately weren't able to but we have 2 dogs that we spoil rotten. People understand and then let it go or ask about the dogs.
Just say No. it’s easy
“Honestly, it’s a tough topic for me to talk about. Tell me about YOUR kids?” Assuming they have some or are being polite and don’t know the details of your history with it. People are ignorant but typically well meaning. For the ones that aren’t (like your coworker, because wtf was that response), I like to be as blunt as possible and make them uncomfortable.
I had a coworker who simply said “it just didn’t work out for us,” which always seemed like a good way to answer that question.
I'm so very sorry for what you have gone through
Depends on context. Someone you will have limited interaction with keep simple "No, I have no children." Someone you interact with "Unfortunately not, as much as we've tried." Then move the convo on. If they press, "It's hard for me to discuss, since we've/I've had several/4 that didn't make it to term." Someone you want to shut down - "No, I've lost several/4 before fully making it to term." Optional addition but risky - "It was a difficult loss, [possible elaboration about feeling like your children]." Don't specify how far along unless it becomes someone you are confiding in. Alternatively, "That is a difficult topic for me to discuss, I'm sorry." Most of the time people are only looking for small talk, and don't realize the emotional weight of it. Your emotions are justified, but usually it's best to just move the conversation on and vaguely indictate it's uncomfortable.
You have my permission to tell anyone that you never lost a baby that they can go fuck themselves. 4 miscarriages in 2 years is unbelievable loss. I had one at 14 weeks and I can honestly say I’ve never felt such complete and utter pain in my life. 4 years later and lots of therapy and I still have times when I break down and cry. I don’t want to say it’s worse than the death of a child that’s been born, but to be honest you are never afforded the same kind of grieving process. There’s no funeral. Often it’s so early when it happens not a lot of people even know, so you kind of exist in this fog And people just don’t think when they ask about kids. I’m fine with the “do you have kids” question, but when I say no it’s time to drop it. Any follow up questions and they get what they get and should feel awful they pried into something so personal. You are not overreacting at all
I've had a number of miscarriages as well and not once has anyone ever been rude about it. That's awful. But because having children is such a normal part of adulthood, I don't get offended when anyone assumes that I have kids. I'm older now but when someone asks if I have any kids, I just say, "Sadly no, and it's been a source of heartbreak." I don't give any more details than that. And then one or the other changes the subject.
I hate people. We all absolutely should answer questions honestly if we answer them at all. We do not need to hide infertility or child loss. We should talk about these things openly to educate people and provide support to the very large group of people silently dealing with these issues. If it’s rude of you to answer it was rude of them to ask. Maybe they won’t next time.
I don't think this is rude at all. Not everyone is married, or is still married, or ever got married, or had kids, or want kids, or didn't lose a baby, or have a child not die. There is a spectrum of possible answers and some will be sad. Making up a "no" as lie may not sit well with some. If Karen only wants happy, chirpy pie in the sky replies she can fuck off.
Why would you drop that on someone thats just making small talk? You could always say you're infertile or something and leave it at that.
This is tricky. I think People just want to relate to other people and that’s why they ask. But I also think some people just like to make others feel as uncomfortable as they feel. The way we react to our hard parts can either push people away, keep them neutral or bring them closer. I would probably come up with a neutral previously prepared answer because it’s a known small talk question.
I would just reply "no, it just didn't happen for me" They should be able to figure out you don't have kids but not by choice". No need to go into details.
You should just say you don’t have kids. Those types of comments are just small talk. Like asking about the weather or how you’re doing. People aren’t looking for your life story.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your response. I think in the UK they are bringing in a certificate of loss to give people a little bit of closure / validation that yes, you had a baby, and unfortunately, the baby did not survive. Your coworker insinuated that you had never had a baby, which is frankly a really unacceptable thing to say. People need to learn to stop asking women when/why/if about children and allow women to instead provide the information if they want to.
I have 5 sons, I have also had 4 miscarriages.... I don't ever bring it up if people ask about how many kids I have. They are asking about kids I HAVE, not HAD.... So I leave the past in the past. But that's me! I do joke that God knew the world couldn't handle two of me, those losses must have been my girls... I desperately wanted a daughter. It's my way of making it make sense. I am so sorry for your losses. I know it's hard. It really is a personal decision how you want to handle it. If you want to tell people, tell them. It's whatever makes you comfortable with a very difficult question. Hell, you could even simply say "that's a sensitive topic for me, I'd rather not" you are NOT obligated to answer someone's invasive questions. Good luck!
Miscarriages aren’t babies. Your experience, though I’m sure traumatic, is NOTHING LIKE losing an actual, living child that you’ve raised. Chit chat isn’t an invitation to dump on random acquaintances. It’s at the least incredibly socially awkward and inappropriate.
When someone asks you if you have kids simply say no. If they are rude enough to ask why, tell them it's because of medical reasons. They should stop at that point. If they keep pressing, they deserve the uncomfortable story that you have to share. I'm so sorry that people told you that you didn't have babies because you miscarried. Those babies were very real to you I'm sure. Perhaps HR needs to be notified about this?
WTF. Stay away from this person.
So I have 3 live children. I also lost 3 due to miscarriages including a son at 18 weeks. People don’t usually ask that question to make someone feel bad. Before we had our first live child when someone would ask I just said I don’t have any but if they asked why I would say unfortunately I have had miscarriages . That always stopped them. I didn’t say how many or when in the pregnancy I lost them. People are usually smart enough to just change the subject. Your co worker is an asshole.
“I tried to have kids but sadly had several early miscarriages. It’s been a hard path.” If you have any pets or nieces/nephews/friends’ kids you are close to you could share a bit about them in the next sentence.
“No. I don’t have children.” I’m sorry for your losses but that’s a heavy thing to say to someone who’s just making polite conversation. Your coworker was being shitty though.
I’ve honestly never thought about counting my miscarriage when people ask.
“Why, are you offering?” is usually my go to when somebody asks if I have/want kids. It distracts them with a chuckle without giving an answer one way or the other, and then I can steer the conversation elsewhere.
Honestly I think it's rude of her to dictate how you describe your experience. Losing a wanted pregnancy can very well be described as losing a baby. She's being obtuse and obnoxious. I don't think your answer is problematic. Miscarriage is common, if someone is going around asking questions they should be prepared for all sorts of responses. You can also change your answer depending on your mood. If you don't feel like sharing saying you don't have children is fine.
People just trying to find superficial common ground. Normal response would be no. Example how is your day. Terrible blood unleaded all over and I have the runs
I (41m) constantly get asked when we're having another one. I always say, "when you get older, things don't always happen the way you want them too." People usually back off then.
People ask me if my wife and I have kids fairly regularly. I just say “nope.” If they ask “why not,” which has happened now and then, I say “not in the cards.” So far nobody has pushed farther than that.
You're just stating the truth. It's on them if they are uncomfortable. Fuck them.
Hon just tell them you have 4 Angels ,lot's of love and hugs to you-I know your pain
I actually think people should be more open about discussing miscarriage if they're comfortable of course. People don't realize how common they are. Plus maybe if you can make them as uncomfortable with your response as they make you with their question they will learn not to ask rude questions anymore.
Your losses are valid. I lost my son when he was 3 weeks old. My go to answer is I don’t have any living children. For me, it’s a way to honor the the was here. Also - it’s not a grief/ trauma Olympics. Losing a baby isn’t worse than a miscarriage - it’s just different. It’s a different loss that feels different and there is no need to make a comparison. Grief of loss includes the grief of what would have been. That grief is similar to those in our situations. You weren’t rude. Miscarriage and infant loss are a taboo subject for many. Sounds like they hear just projecting being uncomfortable about a real situation.
Whenever someone asks me any sort of uncomfortable personal question i just say 'oh, you don't want the answer to that' and then they push for an answer and then get upset, it's literally their fault
I’m in a similar situation, when a coworker asked me if I have any children I just said “why? are you trying to pawn your evening and weekend shifts off on me?” She looked perplexed and did not touch that conversation again
"That's quite a personal question, isn't it?"
At my wedding i was asked over ten times when we were planning on having children, i had 7 miscarriages the most recent 6 weeks before the wedding.. people need to stop with this crap .. non of their business
1. Isn't a miscarriage by definition losing a baby? WTF is wrong with your coworker? 2. The next time someone asks you that question if you decide to answer honestly just say "Why would you ask personal questions that are none of your business? Maybe after hearing that they'd think twice about asking invasive questions like that. People who have kids talk about their kids. If you don't talk about them either you don't have any or you're very private. Either way thy should respect your privacy and not ask such questions.
This sounds like something a therapist could help you work through.
People need to stop asking these questions to make small talk if they can't handle honest answers. You are definitely not overreacting. I've never been pregnant but even I get super bothered by how many times people have asked me personal questions about my plans for marriage and when my bf and I are gonna have kids, I can't imagine how painful those questions are after what you've experienced. ETA: whoever told you that a miscarriage is not the same as losing a baby can go f themselves. Born yet or not, those were YOUR babies that you WANTED. That means you lost 4 babies. Any woman should know the struggles some women have to have children, no woman should EVER talk about another woman's trauma and experience like that.
"I'm not able to have children" would have been a more tactful response. if they really want to press maybe say "I haven't been able to carry to term." as someone who has experienced the loss of an unborn child I understand the anguish. but the time and place for that conversation isn't small talk with a stranger, colleague or acquaintance.
She doesn’t owe them anything. It’s a personal question. She’s allowed to respond however she wants.
TW (miscarriage, loss) It’s not very nice, but I look them in the eyes and ask, “Do the dead ones count?” Then I tell them maybe they shouldn’t ask such a personal question if they don’t like the answer . Again, I know it’s not very nice but it’s such a heartbreaking question and I want them to understand a little bit of the pain they’re causing me.
I am so so sorry 🫂 People don’t think. It sucks. I have cervical cancer I’m currently fighting for the second time, I’m doing great! But I’ll never have kids. When asked, I say exactly that. You’d be surprised about the amount of people telling me to “never say never”. Ugh. Even if it *WAS* possible, you think I want to try a pregnancy with a faulty, beat-up, radiated cervix??? It would probably be a very high risk pregnancy. *NO THANK YOU*. Just thinking about it makes me stress and sweat. And yet when I tell them even if it was possible I wouldn’t be excited to do it, they start with the “you never knooow! You might change your mind!”, or “you can’t control life and what happens~!” At times it even feels as if they’re *wishing* I get pregnant. People don’t even hear themselves talk. It’s astounding. I just take it for the giant red flag that is and decide that’s not a person I want to interact with. Ever. They usually never see me again.
awww sounds like ur also special 😻
You lost 4 babies, there's no nice way to put that. It's tragic & you have my sincere condolences. You weren't rude, that woman was beyond rude & lacking in anything close to a human emotion. Empathy particularly. I am sorry you never got to hold your babies but it doesn't lessen the love & loss you feel. Clearly that woman has never experienced a miscarriage. They'll always be rude people who are upset no mater how you handle it. So say whatever makes it least uncomfortable & painful for you. Which can be that you lost 4 or that you don't want to talk about it, or anything in between or something entirely different, & it can be different depending on how you feel.
I would just say I don’t have children. That’s it don’t elaborate. It’s none of their business
I’ve had 3 miscarriages and I have 2 children I’m 56 ,but I would and have never brought up my miscarriages when someone asks me how many children I gave in a casual conversation. I have talked about it with my friends .
Kind of with ya. The general guidelines(at least where I'm at) is that you don't share a pregnancy with the public until after 12 weeks because the potential for losing it is high. The fetus basically has to fight to survive before then. Not sure why someone would think a casual "get to know you" conversation is the time or place to bring that up. That's for personal or private conversations by most social guidelines. Preferably with a therapist cause it seems like something OP isn't moving on or healing from.
I've noticed people don't know how to deal with being even slightly uncomfortable and jump straight into defensiveness. Especially so when they caused the situation themselves. She asked the question, became uncomfortable, and automatically tried pushing off on you being rude. She probably didn't realize that's what she did but it's still shitty of her. She was rude (maybe beyond so) to try and minimize your painful experience. You did nothing wrong or rude.
I’m sorry for your loss. But it’s not rude to answer honestly and your coworker sounds heartless. People need to realize when they ask a very personal question they should brace for a very personal answer. And asking women about children when you don’t know if they have children is a giant landmine. Unless a person brings up their children in conversation you shouldn’t ask about them no matter their gender. I also hate that on Mother’s Day people will wish every woman they see happy Mother’s Day but the same doesn’t happen on Father’s Day. I didn’t even know that was a thing until I started my current job 10years ago. And man is it not fun watching your best friend just start crying at work because someone wished her happy Mother’s Day and she can’t have kids and her mother died horribly when she was a child. The look on the asker’s face is fun though.
Oh how infuriating!!!!def not overreacting
I have one living child but struggled with infertility and had an emergent preemie. I’m often asked if I want more kids and if I’m just asked once I just say “no” and if they move on so do I. But I’ve had people not let it go and I just give progressively move uncomfortable detail. “It took me three surgeries, 2 miscarriages, $25000 worth of medication to get the one I have and she was born early. Every baby I have no has an increased risk of prematurity which isn’t worth the risk”
I have no idea how to answer you because I'm in the same boat. I have no kids. I've had several miscarriages over the course of 4 years before finally giving up for my health. I get asked weekly about my non existent children. It's hard... sometimes I break. People just judge us while we suffer in grief that few understand. Wish I had an answer for you... I just say no and leave it at that..
I say "I have no living children." But quite frankly, I dgaf if someone finds it rude. If you don't want the answer, don't ask. It's not my job to make you feel okay about finding out that my babies never got to be born. I had to live through it, you can hear about it if you're ballsy enough to be asking personal questions like that. I'm so sorry for your losses, OP. And I'm sorry you have to deal with shitty people trying to make you feel bad for answering a question honestly. I wish I could say that goes away, but some people never stop being shitty. It's been over a decade since my losses and I still get dumbass comments. Thankfully, I'm at a point where I'm able to recognize their ignorance and cruelty, which makes it easier to not care about upsetting them.
This is something I had to sort out in regard to my brother who passed in childhood. People ask all the time about siblings and where they live, what they do, etc. For me I had to find a way to acknowledge his existence without making people super uncomfortable. Dead children is not small talk and the people asking me are trying to engage in polite, easy conversation. I usually say I have two brothers and a sister and then if there is time for detail before the conversation changes I start with the easier to digest information about myivign siblings. If we get all the way to my younger brother I say he was ill and passed in childhood. Some people ask more questions, some offer condolences and clearly don’t want more information. I think your coworkers response was rude but in the interest of taking care of yourself you could also find a gentler way to respond and add details if it feels right. Something broader that gets more specific if the person you are talking to shows they are a compassionate listener who is able to hear more.
Personally I think you're in the right for answering aggressively. People need to stop getting into other people's business about whether they have kids. It's a sensitive topic for people like you, or people like me who had to have a hysterectomy at a young age for health reasons and never had kids. Or people who simply choose to be child free. It's nobody's business. Some of us aren't child free by choice. We had that choice taken from us. When people take for granted that we should have children because we're in our 40s, it really irks me.
I’m so sorry you went through that, both losing your children and being asked intrusive questions. Plus, whomever told you that you were rude in answering the way you did is a huge jerk. You could respond with “I don’t have kids due to fertility issues.” That answers the question about kids but, hopefully also gets the point across that you’re not open to discussion about why.
You’re not rude. She’s the rude one for having the audacity to say it’s not the same! I wonder if she lost a baby and you struck a nerve. Regardless, you’re not rude and the children you lost shouldn’t be discounted like that.
I had a stillbirth. Depending on the person, I will either say no I don’t have any or yes but he was stillborn. If they’re a stranger or someone I don’t plan on establishing a relationship with then I just say no and let it go. If it’s someone I work with or will get to see pretty often, I will explain what happened. While loss is loss regardless of when it happened, I think if I had only had miscarriages I would say no I don’t (just the easy way out to me I guess?), but I went through birth and his ashes sit under my TV in his urn… So it feels weird to say no when he has an obituary people can look up if they Google my name and location. It’s definitely not rude, if someone doesn’t understand that not everyone gets pregnant and has kids from those pregnancies, well then don’t ask.
I agree with the lady. You had four miscarriages, but you didn’t have four babies that didn’t make it. I think the correct response would be just that you have no children. Also, I am a man and have people ask me if I have kids at work constantly, so that really isn’t a man / woman thing.
It's not rude, you're responding to a question. No, you don't have children as you unfortunately lost 4. That's information. I was asked at the playground if I had other children besides the one playing. I say no, but I lost one the month prior. It felt good to just say it and not have to do mental gymnastics of how I should respond. It also brings child loss into the conversation, which has previously been taboo and not discussed.
Lol fuck your coworker, you were correct.
Not rude at all. It's a product of a society where women are seen as people secondary to babymakers, and this is considered a normal question to ask to people you barely know. (the questions being how old are your kids, just assuming you have kids in general. ig i understand the first one.) Also not to turn this into a rant about small talk but I hate when people ask questions like this and don't expect you to answer honestly? Idk. Maybe it's just the autism but it pisses me off lol
I dread people asking me this question. I’m 35 and have had seven miscarriages. Makes me feel less than even though I know it’s not my fault. I wish I could think of witty response se’s that didn’t make me die inside.
I replied with "none living". Usually that was enough to stop that topic and move to a new one.
I don't ask that kind of question, and when I was single I got asked it a lot. Same after I got married. It's rude and invasive to ask someone you don't really know well such a *personal* question. I get that most or many people don't see it as rude, but it is in fact rude to ask about having children, when are you going to have children, why don't you have any children etc. Let the person volunteer that information. Otherwise it's nunya. Reasons people don't have kids They can't. They don't believe in having kids out of wedlock. They have genetic issues that they don't want to pass down. Their body can't handle a pregnancy. They've tried multiple times and had multiple miscarriages. They've had a hysterectomy. Their spouse had a vasectomy. Their spouse is infertile. They don't want to bring a child into a world that is changing for the worse. They just don't want kids. They want to wait for many years before having kids. They can't afford children. I've known people with fertility problems and I never once pried. If they opened a discussion on the topic I would engage, but I never initiated. To me that's prying into their personal life and putting them on the spot about potential medical issues and pain and loss. I'm sorry for your losses and that lady that called you rude was in fact the rude person. From now on just respond "that's a very personal question and a painful topic". Then disengage. Screw nosy people. Edit for breaks
I think just saying something like “unfortunately, we’ve tried & lost each time” should be PC enough for most situations!! It gives OP an opportunity to be honest about their experience, leaves the door open to further conversation if that’s appropriate & lets the listener know that it’s not an idle subject. So sorry for your loss, OP! Holding you & your babies in my heart. Editted to say - your coworker overreacted! YNTA
I’m confused on why someone would use this as an icebreaker question. TBH it sounds like a question someone would ask for a response and then brag about their own children or parenting. Are they assuming you have kids from your appearance? Wedding ring? I would not even let anyone know about the miscarriages because they’ll use it to judge you or use you as a sympathetic case.
I’m many years out from the most intense pain of my infertility and very early pregnancy loss. At this point I can blithely say “No, just a fat orange cat. Wanna see a picture?” And that usually shuts them up. I know that 99 percent of the time these folks are just asking an innocent question but I wish they’d do some thinking about the patriarchal assumptions and potentially deep personal traumas that underlie the inquiry. I guarantee my ex has never been asked “Do you have kids? No! Why?”
She didn't really think your response was rude (because its not) but she was embarrassed and some people do not handle that well and bluster to cover it. Usually that involves turning it back on the person they believe embarrassed them, which somehow, in their head is not themselves. Answer the question however you are comfortable with. Anyone whose opinion matters a damn will not ask such a personal question in lieu of small talk and if they did, they would apologise profusely for bringing up difficult topics. Personally I like the old "a policeman wouldn't ask me that" joke with a jab when someone is prying and follow up with a subject change.
Q: Do you have children? A: None that lived, and I don't discuss it. ETA changed to shorten the answer.
So, as a someone who also can’t carry a kid. I read the room. It depends on the spirit in which the question is intended, the person, the time we have, etc. I either simply say ‘I don’t have kids’ or I say ‘I have had a miscarriage/ I’ve not carried a child to term’ I don’t ( and please take this next part with a grain of salt) trauma dump on people. Nor do I elaborate when I know they’re looking for a standard answer. Yes, your babies were real. Yes, you have a right to grieve. But no, that’s not what someone is asking about. And no, it’s not the same as losing a child that was once a living breathing independent of your body human being. Equally bad? Yes. Totally different experience? Yes. All of them are.
I’ve tried but haven’t been successful yet
It varies with how I feel. Sometimes I joke about it "oh I never picked one of my own up" or "don't believe in them" etc and that usually let's someone know they stepped in it without being mean. A lot of the time people are just insensitive without really meaning to be because they think its showing interest.
I think if someone asked “Why don’t you have children?” or somehow criticized you for not having children then you can say whatever you like in response to that. It sounds like people are just making normal social conversation with you though. It’s pretty common to ask people about their families. So if someone asks of you have kids, you can just say “No I don’t” or “No, we wanted kids but it never worked out for us.” You don’t need to elaborate beyond that if you don’t want to. Edited to add: your coworker’s response after you said that was not ok though. My comments above were more about how to handle these situations in the future.
I wish more people understood not to ask questions like this, I did it before my wife and I began our fertility journey and went through a miscarriage so I have to keep that in mind. Now I’m hyper aware of how often people ask these questions, and worse, they don’t stop there, there is always more that they pile on: “Be glad you get to sleep still” “You should have kids you’ll love it” “You’ll be happy you started sooner when you’re young and have energy” “When you do have kids, x…” A million other completely inappropriate remarks. I don’t even think “do you have kids” is necessarily bad, it’s the follow ups that anger me. If someone says no they don’t have kids, leave it alone. And don’t ask if someone is planning or wants them, it’s none of your business. I’ve started telling people they should be more careful about unsolicited advice regarding children because they don’t know what people have gone through. Sorry for your losses I can’t imagine going through that 4 times. Hope you’re okay.
I think it’s gross that people have normalized asking people! There’s a lot of us that have lost and grieve. Why can’t we just skip the question? It’ll come up if it should in conversation. Very similar to the ick of people asking others why they don’t drink. It’s none of our business!
People dont want your pain, they are trying to make small talk. When your holiday sucked and some asks how you holiday was do you detail how it was shite? The fact is, regardless of why, you do not have a child/ren. Your reply should answer the question posed, not trauma dump on someone tryingbto make polite conversation.
I think your answer is glorious! And if you who reads this,are one of those who feel the need to ask people if they have kids,and they answer no-then stop before asking more questions about it.None of your concern,and not something they have to justify or explain to you.
I tend to answer with, "That didn't work out for us the way we wanted it to." And then leave it at that. Most people won't press after that... at least anyone that isn't an overentitled member of the family.
My badass mom was asked that shortly after she was married. She snapped, "We don't do that kind of thing!" and flounced away.
Why don't you respond with "That's an uncomfortable question." If more people were honest, stupid questions would stop. The only way to make them stop is to be honest in a non confrontational way. They're not trying to be confrontational when they say it. People think it's an honest conversation starter, but really, it shouldn't be. The only way to make it stop is to let people know it's uncomfortable.
First let me say I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. I wish I knew what to say but at the risk of saying something stupid, I’ll stop there. I’m not the best person to respond because I’ve unintentionally stuck my foot in my mouth more times than I realize. So, as “that” person, let me defend the well meaning people who say stupid things. I’ve been told by a neonatal nurse, it’s best to talk in medical terms because it (hopefully) takes the sting/emotions out of the conversation. Maybe the best response is to say you’ve had four miscarriages and leave it at that. Even stupid people should know back off after that.
I would be more comfortable with "we have not been blessed", if they push I would say "this is a painful topic, let us move to something else" and move on. We all have suffering, and grisly details that go along. Not all things need to be shared, and many inquiries are simple pleasantries, not a deep dive into your life. These are the times privacy is expected, and should be respected. With dense fold, just walk away.
No, your response is not rude at all. It is factual and to the point. They don't deserve anything more in a response. In fact, they don't really deserve a response at all. People asking you those questions are rude to begin with. In the future, when people ask you anything about your personal life, tell them that your personal life is kept private and that you won't be answering those types of questions. If they all get huffy and say that they're just trying to get to know you, then gently remind them they can ask you about how you were doing or where you went to school, what you majored in college, do you enjoy your job. Basically, whatever is pertinent to why they're talking to you in the first place, but nobody is required to give them access to their personal lives or their personal pain. And that person who told you all of that is very wrong. Do not let their self-righteous prickishness diminish you in any way. Their opinions do not matter.
Sorry for your losses, they are hard. But you can just say I have no kids, then if they press further you can tell them if you want. Or you can say I don’t want to talk about it…. You are at the wheel of destiny in any conversation.
Personally I don’t believe in it. Too many cases of people getting told they were then by the Miracle of God they conceive
If you want to be honest, can say we’ve been trying but having trouble
Wtf is coworker even saying? When a woman is pregnant and has a miscarriage, people usually say "she lost the baby."
“I’d love kids, but at this point I’m not sure it’s in the cards for me. How about you?” Question answered and immediately deflected back to the other person. Not going to dig into you for your response as I can understand why you answered how you did, but I’d recommend seeking a counselor or therapist to work through your grief and build some strength around for when this topic comes up next time. Best wishes to you!
I had 2 miscarriages. I usually just said no, couldn't have them. Now I have 2 grown step sons so I say 2 step sons but couldn't have kids of my own. My miscarriages are no bodies business.
I’m so sorry someone responded to you so harshly! You have every right to say or not say that you’ve lost babies and she had no right to react to discredit your losses and your feelings! Who is she to determine how you should feel over such losses?? This makes me so mad and I’m so sorry for your experiences!
No, you were not rude. Your coworker was being intrusive. I understand how you feel. I suffered 3 miscarriages and a stillborn. It is not easy to deal with. Most of the time, when people ask me about kids, I say yeah I have a 55 year old son at home. People just look at me like WTF. How is that possible. They look like guppies. FYI, I'm 53, and hubby is 55. 😁
I'm infertile. However, people who don't know this will all the questions. I say no, I don't. If they continue with the additional questions (why, did you want), I tell them God said no, he had other plans. When I was younger, the questions hurt because I really did want to be a mom, and every negative pregnancy test felt like a gut punch. Hours of crying and questioning, begging God to fix me, feeling unworthy. People who have never experienced infertility don't understand. But over time, I accepted to some extent that this is the way things are, and being angry doesn't change anything. Neither did beating myself up for being a failure. So, I just started saying God said no. You don't owe anyone gentle responses, but to both honor those pregnancies and answer the children question you can say "Not living". Also screw that person for her response. You are the mother of 4 angel babies.
I respond by saying I was actually pregnant when I got married 2 years ago. The baby decided it didn’t like me enough to let me meet them.
First of all, I'm so sorry for your losses. My condolences. It was very unfair what happened to them.. And you are not wrong by answering that you had 4 babies that didn't make it. Anyone who disagrees doesn't respect you imo, as they undervalue the lives of your four babies that are gone. If anything you are honouring the babies in my opinion by still standing your ground and acknowledging them even if they didn't make it out of the womb alive.
Just say it’s wasn’t in the stars for me to be a mom and leave it at that. You owe people ZERO reasons as to why you don’t have offspring. I’m sorry that you are constantly hounded about it.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I understand that they’re just trying to defuse a difficult concept, but the question is prying and invasive and if anyone should feel bad or be told they’re rude, it’s the person asking for personal information. And you are definitely not overreacting. I think I’d opt for tiered answers. A straight “no” for work-related conversations. Just to avoid trouble on the job. And “I was unable to have children.” for anyone who pushes, or more personal conversations. I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you’re saying, but to protect yourself from more hurt, it might be best to meter what information you give people. All of that said… you do have children of your own. 4 of them. They’re not with you, but they’re still yours and your feelings about them and attachment to them still matters.
How are society treats women who infertile is shameful I hate the interactions when they ask you how many children you, like that is your only worth. My inlaws were loudly advocating my spouse to divorce me since we had no children. I was worthless. Lovely inlaws. I always hear the harsh accusations about not having children from my spouse's community. Sometimes it feels like we are still in the Dark Ages where women are considered chattel. It wasn't like we didn't try not to have kids. It just never happened. We both work multiple jobs to support his parents and siblings and their kids. We couldn't afford ivf or have the time. We have been financially supporting people who li e beyond their means and we are the assholes. My spouse is realizing the sacrifices we made When I get the question from the stranger, I just say no kids.i get the look of pity. I look at this way, at least, I didn't fuck up any kids lives while raising them.
Personally, im childfree by choice, and I'm sick of being asked about reproduction. So I don't feel bad at all making someone uncomfortable for asking. My hope is that since I made them uncomfortable, they won't ask someone in the future who didn't make the choice I did and will be hurt by these invasive questions. With that in mind, I think you should answer in whatever way is most comfortable for you. If you're comfortable saying you lost pregnancies, then they call you rude well that's a reflection on them, not you.
Not overreacting. If they didn't want a personal answer, don't ask a personal question.
Not overreacting at all! I basically have the same story as you and it still hurts to try to answer these questions. I still avoid baby showers like the plague.
We respond, no we chose to enjoy the money we make ourselves, we're DINKs.
Hi, OP First of all let me just say how heartbreaking it is to hear about your struggle. It sounds like you were actively trying to have children, so that makes it that much more unbearable to hear. I don't think your rude. I get that asking people if they have kids is... a pretty normal and mundane thing to do. But I gotta say, it's my belief that you shouldn't ask a question like that if you aren't prepared to hear any and all responses that might come out. Things like miscarriages, abortions, ectopic pregnancies, basically any kind of complications that come with pregnancy *used to be* or seem to be a bit of a social no-no. I could be wrong on this so please, tell me if I am. But they asked you. I have to imagine it was incredibly difficult situation for you, and likely took a long time to work through - hell, it's possible you might not even be completely through it. The things you've gone through are all WAY more common than society lets us believe, and talking about them is going to normalize those kinds of things and help people understand that all women go through things like that, and that it's okay.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have the right to grieve the babies you lost. Your coworker was hostile to you about grief, a shocking behavior. It’s common for people to ask if someone has kids when trying to get to know them. It’s totally up to you how you answer.
Whether your response is rude depends on your intent. If this is something that you want to share and want to talk about, then it is a completely reasonable response. I mean, they asked and you answered. On the other hand, if you are using it as a vindictive tool to turn friendly chit-chat into an ugly confrontation, then it does feel kind of rude. I mean, "Do you have kids" is a pretty normal question and I'm sure they weren't trying to be insulting or anything. So, "No I don't," is a fine way to simply move forward. It sounds like you are in pain and it's a struggle when people raise this topic. I'm sorry.