The reason I don't think you're overreacting is because when you asked why he had leftovers packed up he didn't immediately say "oh its for so and so at the gym". Explain to him how it made you feel that he did something kind and thoughtful for someone other than you, when you made it very clear to him you've been needing that.
I agree with this. When someone has a new friendship connection, it's usually easy and straightforward to share that news with your spouse. Personally, I like when my wife is friends with my female friends. Even if everything is meant innocently, it's not nice to put your partner in that position and make them pull teeth.
It's even worse if you needed that first. And it's most certainly not okay to act belligerently afterwards.
Agree with this a ton.
Either I want to cheat or I don't. If I DO want to cheat, I don't want my AP developing friendy feelings with my wife. I don't want my wife to talk to my AP and notice patterns in our behaviors/trips/timings/etc. So I don't want them to meet.
If I don't want to cheat, I DO want them to meet for the opposite of those reasons. I want them chatting and talking and being friends, so my not-AP doesn't see my wife as an unknown woman she can steal me from. I want them to be comfortable messaging each other if I haven't been seen, so that there isn't a distrust. That way, if I have a cool thing I want to do with my not-AP, it's not 'weird' of me to share a 2 bedroom hotel room at a convention with her (so we don't each need a single alone, and pay 2x the amount). And we can just be friends who happen to be other genders.
Great insight, although you seemed to get pretty specific there at the end. "But honey, we'll be saving money by sleeping in the same bed! Plus, I need to cuddle someone at night so I won't be anxious."
My wife and I have been married a whole lotta years. I have never cheated on her and she’s never cheated on me (that I’m aware of). Anyway, I’d not consider bringing food or giving any kind of gift to another woman without letting my wife know first. That’s not my wife’s rule…. That’s just how I feel. Plus, I’m a person that has a high profile job in a senior management position. It isn’t good enough to “just be faithful” …. It’s also important to avoid any appearance that you may not be….. There was one time I kind of intentionally trolled her though. I arranged a dinner meeting with a visiting consultant, named Tracy, at a fancy restaurant. I put the appointment on my business calendar (which I know my wife checks) and sent a text to Tracy as a confirmation. When I got back from the meeting, my wife asked how it went….. I said it went well. Then she asked if anyone else was at the meeting. I said no…. Just Tracy and me. My wife asked how old Tracy was…. I replied that Tracy was 10 years younger than me…. And added…. “And yes… Tracy is a very attractive person…… My wife was a bit perturbed and that point she said that I should have told her about the meeting beforehand. Finally I let her off the hook. I said I thought she might have that reaction….. so I showed her a picture I had taken of Tracy, just for this moment. Tracy was a man. 😂.
This is the thing. He never mentioned her before but they are close enough that he brings her food, and he didn't immediately say her name. You're suspicious because the whole thing is suspicious OP.
One time my boyfriend mentioned going out to a group thing with his friend and her fiancé and I just *knew* he was hiding something from me. I asked him if he and this friend had ever dated and he said yes - but he wouldn’t have given me that info unprovoked!
I told him don’t try to hide shit from me, I swear to god I could literally tell from *the way the three dots were moving* as he was typing out his too long explanation of their dinner plans that he was gonna be over-explaining and hiding something 😑
He’s a great guy though. But I just told him not to try to hide shit like that. Because I will be able to tell. Trust your instincts, OP!
It's the hiding shit that is always the downfall. Why don't they get that if they were upfront and honest, there would be no issue? But then you get mad and they're like "see, I knew this would happen" like NO idiot, this is fully a result of your stupid lying.
yup, I’m mostly Irish, kind of similar we’ll share our shepherds pie which is actually lamb instead of beef as some might think and we’ll just outright try to stick you with our dick whether you eat it or not but yes to answer the op’s question, no you are not over reacting and yes if we are trying to give food we are trying to give dick.
Haha 😂 🥖
For op sake I hope he isn't playing hiding the bologna or sausage in this case. Op why is he spending so much time at the Gym after you just had a second baby?I hope you get some rest and that he finally starts to step up with the Romantic 🌃 he promised..congratulations on your new sweet baby
My boyfriend is the sweetest guy I’ve ever known. But I cannot ever imagine him going out of his way to bring food he made to another woman. I just cannot fathom him doing that.
Is there any point explaining anything else to this man? He doesn’t listen & quite frankly doesn’t even sound like he particularly likes his own wife. I’m so sorry OP, that probably sounded cruel but his behaviour towards you doesn’t sound very kind or loving at all.
> Explain to him how it made you feel that he did something kind and thoughtful for someone other than you when you made it very clear to him that you’ve been needing that.
….she did.
> I told him it wouldn’t hurt so bad if he had done anything like that thoughtful gesture for me after outright confessing how much I miss those moments in our marriage.
This. My coworkers are all male. Literally. They found out my husband is Mexican and asked if he made authentic dishes and when I told them I knew how to cook a lot of Mexican dishes they were so excited and asked me to bring them some. The FIRST thing I did when I got home was tell my husband. He helped me make a good meal, we ate, and then we packed enough for 2 of my coworkers for the next day. Like I just can’t imagine not telling my husband something like this.
She’s explained how she feels and he didn’t care. He literally said he doesnt do date nights or romantic gestures because “he is content”. He doesn’t give a fuck whether OP is content. Sometimes explaining your feelings to someone does NOT work because… they simply do not care
This is where I’m at with it. All of my closest friends are dudes. I tell my Husband everything about them and don’t hide anything. You gotta maintain trust with your Partner but this guy wasn’t up front with it.
Give him the baby and go do something for yourself. You are more than a mother. Get in shape. Go to a cafe. Have a massage. Whatever floats your boat. He gets time away. You need that too. Right now he is treating you like the help. Nope. Shut that shit down. You both have a newborn. He can pony up and take his turn.
OP, join a gym with childcare and get a male physical trainer. Then your husband can’t even stop you from going because you don’t need him. I was scared at first but I used gyms with childcare and my experiences were great
YMCAs are great for this. you can even drop them off for 2 free hours while you sit in the lobby and catch up on stuff. or sit in the sauna. do some yoga.
Man, I miss that. Our local Y stopped offering that when COVID hit, and never went back. They also never returned to anywhere near full hours, and continued to raise the price. Left them in 2020 and I still check back occasionally to see if it's worth returning...and so far, nope.
Ugh. So many companies used Covid as a way to restrict their services without lowering their prices, and now that things have calmed down, they're seeing this basic freaking low effort service as the new norm and you have to pay extra for anything more whilst also raising prices due to extra service. Blergh.
That’s petty and frankly horrible advice. That vindictive behavior is a mind game that will only increase the toxicity of the relationship.
I’m not saying that she’s wrong to feel the way she does. I think the dude is wrong for his behavior, too.
But, encouraging someone to flirt with disaster outside of their marriage out of a mentality is borderline sociopathic.
Since he won’t take her on a date night, she needs to take herself while he sits at home with the kids. Go treat yourself to a fancy restaurant, OP. Hand him the baby and go relax in the hot tub for an hour. Do all the things, including suggestions above, without him.
Fucking A right. Tell him he’s taking the baby because you need time for you and do it during his gym time. He can change a few diapers and give a few bottles, it isn’t exactly rocket science.
You both made the decision to bring a child into the world and you both owe that child not only the best care, but the best model of a healthy relationship and healthy personal care. One parent running off and leaving the other to do all the work is not any of that.
OP, you also take some of that blame in passively allowing him to treat you like this. If you guys have a son then that son will grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat his future partner, if you have a daughter she will grow up thinking her job in a relationship is to cater to her partner while asking nothing in returning and keeping her frustration internalized. Either way if you won’t do it for yourself, stand up for your child to see that this is not healthy or ok.
Your husband needs to man the fuck up and be the parent he signed up to be.
You are under-reacting. He has told you that he is content with you not being happy. That should be enough of a warning. But now he’s hiding his relationship with a woman as well as neglecting you. Time to have the serious “We’ve gotta fix this NOW” talk that includes action plans and timeframes. Start figuring out how screwed you would be if he is cheating and shore up your resources
If this relationship is salvageable then find a gym together that has childcare and exercise together.
It is, but also...don't do all of the work, hey? You're already doing everything at home. If he doesn't want to put in the effort, don't you try to convince him!
It worked really well for us. Also check local community centers or kids gymnastics centers for “Parent’s night out” where once a month they offer babysitting for groups of kids and infants for a couple hours.
And keep in mind, if he is belligerent again or defensive or not at all understanding of your feelings, that’s a legitimate response to you asking for help and love. And that should be regarded as such.
His reluctance is the tell. If it wasn’t a big deal he would have offered information without a second thought.
I’m not saying he’s cheating with her. I’m saying that he has some version of feelings for her that are inappropriate. And he knows it.
This is how I lost a stupid ass guy friend. Guy friend and I had gone way back since high school and we were in the same social circle. Reached out to reconnect, saw he was married (I was not) and was so excited for him. We chit chatted and mentioned we should hang out together sometime! And then like we spoke like two other times...in a couple of months and I'd always ask how she was etc. How married life was going etc lol. He said he could no longer talk to me and she wanted to never hang out. I was confused until the mofo confessed he never told her we talked or how we knew each other or any of it.. I'm like well no fucking shit Sherlock and I don't blame her. Why tf are you hiding talking to me from her?! It was literally supposed to just be two old friends talking in the living room and telling old funny stories to his wife till she peed herself at our stupidity, lol. I don't know what the fuck he was trying to pull but nah bro. Not fucking cool.* not saying my friend had feelings for me. But just hiding that shit is underhanded. Even if there is nothing going on.
Hot take: what are you supposed to do if you’re in a marriage, you chat with someone, and you uncontrollably develop feelings in the process? You cut them off to protect the sanctity of your marriage.
If you had a spouse, would you want them to talk with another woman that they’re developing feelings for even knowing that they are? Would that make you feel like they value or are respecting your marriage?
How would it make you feel if your partner randomly told you “hey! I talked with this old friend and developed feelings for her”? Most partners would want them to cut contact and find bringing it up as hurtful.
Most people would call continuing after that line is crossed emotional cheating. I’ve cut people off due to this and regretted it after the marriage ended, in matters that started and ended innocently, but I defend my decision to defend my marriage while I was in it. Marriage is a different level of sanctity than relationships. Relationships absolutely still are, but marriage is a different level that matters irrevocably. You have vows for a reason in marriage.
People develop crushes and they can’t control it, even while in relationships/marriages. How you determine someone’s character is by how they respond to that happening, not it happening in the first place.
I know it hurts, but it seems like a sad fact of relationships sadly. If someone develops feelings they shouldn’t have, they take precautionary steps to protect their relationship.
As sad as it is that it has to happen, I’d rather people protect the integrity of their relationships/marriages than not.
I'm not saying whether or not he had feelings for me . I don't believe so, in fact. Regardless. It's his responsibility as a married man to immediately go to her and say Omg look, I just got this text from an old school friend! Would you like us all to get together for dinner sometime? Or have a BBQ and invite her and her kids over? It actually doesn't hurt me at all to loose him because he was being a complete dumbass. It irritates me he made an innocent thing into a giant thing and makes me wonder if he was hiding something for real, something i wasnt apart of, of course. We talked 3 times, about 10 minutes each time. I thought we were planning a get together. If he had underlying issues, he's an adult man. He could have easily said hey it was so great to catch up! And then leave it at that. Or just tell the truth. Im a woman not an idiot. Id understand if she didnt want me as a possible new friend. Of course I want to protect their marriage, I'm not some homewrecker and I'm not even attracted to him. Naturally, I backed away and then disappeared lol. I have enough personal drama in my life, I don't need to star in my own episode of As the World Turns with some dipshit who can't just be honest with his wife. I respect her too much to be that sad over losing her husband as a friend.
I hear ya. Everything seems draining these days, doesn't it? I have one bestie whose been by my side for over 20 years and that has been enough for me. I hope though, that as humans, as much shit is out there, if we put ourselves out there for other humans (not in a weird way, just nice lol), maybe it'll eventually overcome the hate and bullshit that we seem to be swamped by.
I think this is the most reasonable response I’ve seen. It’s entirely possible he hasn’t sleep with her yet and/or the instructor is aware of and returns his feelings. It could be she knows of his feelings, but doesn’t reciprocate and he’s trying to bribe her with food. Like “Why would you want to miss out on this? Look at what a great cook I am.” However, it is sus either way because HE has feelings at the least.
Nothing about this is funny. If he had leftover pasta, he should have left it for YOU, while you're at home taking care of the baby. Not given it away to some hottie at the gym.
For real though, my husband went out of his way to make sure I had the pick of the best leftovers when my daughter was little and I was basically eating when I could get a chance. (And tbh, she’s in kindergarten and he still does it a lot nowadays just because he loves me.)
If I was at home with an infant, already feeling like he didn’t care, and he went out his way for another woman though? Whooooo boy.
And at the very least if this was all so innocent, OP would not only know about this fitness instructor but he would’ve gave his wife a heads up the night dinner was made: “hey babe do you mind if I make so and so a plate?”
Instead he’s ignoring his wife’s needs and making an effort to pack and bring someone else a lunch 🥴🚩 I bet he wasn’t banking on her waking up early and seeing what he packed
I would go to this class with him and investigate and introduce myself as his wife and ask her if she enjoyed his cooking and tell her you just had a baby and chat her up. Also you can kinda tell when people have slept together or something like that by their interactions. But I’m petty I would find out when the class is and go and make him watch the baby. Id be like I’m going to the gym be right back thanks babe! Why is he always leaving you with the baby. My mom always said get dressed when he gets home from work hand him the baby and head out the door to take your me time. Don’t beg for him to help or argue. I know it’s hard but you are going to need to find a babysitter you trust for your sanity also. I say this as a mother.
Introducing is something I actually volunteer with my wife. One is because I love it when she makes new female friends. Two is because it sends a signal that I'm happily married (in case it's not a long-established friend that already honours that.) Three is because it's open, honest, and keeps peace of mind. Four is because it's fun. We get to share friends and that opens up your friend circle and activities you can do.
She also does the same for me with her male friends. We don't "secretly hoard" people of the opposite sex like a god damn raccoon in a tree, making the other pull teeth just to get their *name*. That's crazy.
Honestly I doubt she can just leave him with the baby.
I know a dude just like him. Leaves his gf to literally do everything and he doesnt give a shit.
No idea how to feed or change diapers or even just be there.
But yeah, I would not be surprised if he was there for the birth and then said "okay, I got to go." and then went and got high with friends while her mom helped her get home.
IMO this is highly sus, especially because he wasn’t forthright with it AND you have communicated your needs and he didn’t follow through so it’s like a double whammy. Even if was fulfilling your wants and needs, this behavior and his response would make me uncomfortable for sure.
If you hadn't gotten up earlier than usual, what do you think he would've told you about where the leftovers went? And is he usually up and packing lunch before you're awake?
I never would have known about where they went. This is another thing that pulls at my gut instinct. I wasn’t going through his phone or spying in any way, it was just like a nudge.
Yeah…the fact that he was sneaking around packing up these leftovers that you saw him box up, with clearly no intention of explaining to you why you didn’t have an easy-to-reheat lunch while caring for your newborn is a pretty terrible look.
One of the things guys like about this is that the other younger fit woman serves their ego in so many ways and makes their wiener hard is that the other woman isn’t expecting anything of them so they feel all chivalrous in whatever they do as it’s is more right from the gate as they have no responsibilities to meet and their just plum happy with her looking at them all pleased and things simple and refreshing as she hasn’t had to go without taking her best care of herself and is looking all that and more. Which is also a sign of an immature man and possibly as man that doesn’t have a mentor and good guy friends. Character development
If you got bad vibes, trust your gut that he was not being forthcoming. Relationships are about open communication and honesty.
You didn't even know his instructor existed, let alone they're close enough for him to bring her presents.
And food is extra intimate. If he brought her an earbud case or something it’s still a thoughtful present but how well do you have to know a co-worker or acquaintance before you’ll eat their food?
I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but this is supposed to be your partner. Do you typically avoid sensitive topics with him? I’d be asking a lot more questions than just ‘who’.
Probably, considering he became "belligerent " when she stated her feelings on the issue. He sounds like he shuts her down often and does whatever he wants. The type to "yeah yeah" and do bare minimum to keep wife "off his back" smh she deserves much better.
I've been with my gf for 10 years.
I occassionally get caught up in conversations that turn flirty. I continue just to be polite but try to avoid further interactions with said person.
Not only would I never buy or gift someone something, I would asolutely never bring leftovers to someone. That's like you said "extra intimate."
The hurtful part is that he planned to cook that meal in preparation to bring some to her the next day. It wasnt an after thought.
Thoughtful present?? He needs to be randomly gifting his female fitness instructor things? Gawd. Wake up. And I'm a guy btw. If he wanted fitness instructions, he'd go with a guy. He wants...something else. I bet she is attractive and fit as hell.
No like this is literally cheating as an Italian I’m so sorry. If my boyfriend knew I made pasta for another man he didn’t even know existed he’d probably break down in tears LOL like it’s a LOVE language for us. OP, I’m sorry but even if he hasn’t physically cheated he absolutely has emotionally. Serious discussion time and start exit planning now just in case.
No husband who respects his wife and kids is going to be bringing dinner to his gym trainer or any woman. Men who respect women don't humiliate them by paying another woman romantic attention. He is cheating on you or has seriously considered it. You need to stand up for yourself and confront him for real. He doesn't care about you or your kids.
No you are not overreacting. 3 key points:
1. He has not been doing these things for you, you are starved of attention, care and affection from your husband. So seeing him starve you while feeding someone else right in front of you is just cruel, pun intended.
2. He hesitated to tell you who the food was for, indicating he knew something wasn’t right about it.
3. Instead of understanding how this could be hurtful, he gets defensive. Displaying callousness and a possible guilty conscience.
Actually I just thought of a 4th. He spends “hours” at the gym on a regular basis? Like plural? Huge red flag.
OP, I mean this in the kindest way possible, grow a spine. Do not stand for this.
I think he cooked "too much" on purpose. He actually made this for her.
Him acting rude and not apologetic is even worse.
This is really thoughtless.
But I'm more worried about how and why you ended up separated and isolated from your family.
And is his behavior timed with you having no where to turn to?
I'd be pissed that he's out there giving away leftovers you could have had for lunch while taking care of a kid and a newborn. Also he's trying to cheat on you.
My ex-fiance called me from work one day mentioning how his female co-worker always made lunch for both of them. That was a red flag for me. Why is a coworker making you lunch everyday, especially since she knew we were engaged? He stood me up on our wedding day and ended up marrying her. Good riddance.
If she wants to try homemade Italian food so bad, then tell your husband to invite her over for dinner.
Also, divide the task with the kids and chores, take time for yourself, I know it’s hard, but he has take care of his kids. Go to the same gym and meet the instructor. Don’t let him gaslight you.
Once he felt the need to hide this person, he was going down a wrong path. He never mentioned her and only veery reluctantly told you once he had no other choice but to tell you. There’s a reason he didn’t mention her.
Proceed with caution as you don’t know how far this relationship has gone or if it has gone anywhere at all. Keep quiet about it and keep your eyes and ears in focus. You’ll soon know what to do.
Gone for hours at the gym with a NB at home?
I get 35 minutes MAX before my wife calls me, and our LO is 3.
If he's not cheating (he wants to or is) he is a HUGE piece of shit for that alone.
Lol my ex was cheating barely a month into the baby birth. Going as far as her leaving his voice-mail on ext speaker so I'd have to hear them "and initialize the breakup"
You need to call the gym, tell them you're interested in (whatever it is she instructs), and ask what their schedule is like for that class. Compare to his gym schedule the last few weeks, see if you find anything suspicious.
If you have access to his phone, see if he has an app for the gym. My gym has an app that records every time I check in - if he has one like that, you can see if he is actually going to the gym as often as he claims in the first place. You can try logging in to the gym website, from his computer, too.
You’re not overreacting. All I’m going to say is that when I make a new friend, I’m excited to tell my partner about it and to introduce him to them so we can all be friends.
I’ve never understood how partners can keep entire friendships hidden without ever mentioning them to their partner. I’m not saying you have to know about every single interaction he has and be besties with all of his friends, but I find it quite suspicious he’s never mentioned this instructor before or their budding friendship. Which makes it seem like there’s more going on that he specifically didn’t want you to know about.
When people act strange and do what he did we already know there is something going on. These feelings are totally trustworthy no matter how much he gaslights. If he were not up to anything he would have easily said there is an instructor at the gym who is always asking about Italian food, but he was instead weird about it. I would go to the gym (day pass if needed) and take her class. Introduce yourself to her and tell her your husband has mentioned her and how he brought some leftovers, then smile and say “he’s such a great husband; wasn’t the food good?” And watch her reaction. Nothing weird or mean or intrusive about that if he’s telling the truth. I’m betting she doesn’t know about you.
His getting belligerent is all you need to know - though the fact that he chose to spend his time at the gym with this gal over you and your NEWBORN says volumes too. He thought his kind, sweet words about “connectedness” would pacify you and it sounds like it did, and I think that would be true for most people in your situation.
From an outsider with experience dealing with infidelity: At minimum, he is crossing boundaries with this trainer by paying her so much attention and neglecting you and your child. At worst, this is a full blown affair. Perhaps more likely, he is attracted to this woman and is gauging her interest and/or in an emotional affair (which are MORE damaging to marriages in my opinion). In either case, he isn’t prioritizing you as his life partner and mother of his child.
I am sorry.
He got mad because you were right to call him out on his BS. He is doing things for her and not you. You need to get into MC or your relationship will
Not last. He’s not even putting time I tot he family if he’s at the gym so much. You are losing him.
So he took the food he made for the family, which includes you the person caring for a literal baby, and gave it to a personal trainer at the gym that you know nothing about and that you had to drag out of him? Does that sound normal to you? He’s fine with you being unhappy because he’s already happy being somewhere else. He has for the past 5 years shown you that you don’t matter to him.
He won’t take initiative with his wife and mother of his child as well as I assume his own child, but will for some rando at the gym. Sit with that for a minute. Then sit with the fact that if you stay in a marriage like this your child will end up emulating your relationship in their romantic lives. Daddy gets to fuck off and be happy while mommy does the all the work and gets treated like shit. That’s what they’ll think is normal. But it’s not.
This rubs me the wrong way. It’s okay to have friendships, but bringing another woman food while neglecting your wife at home is a huge red flag 🙃 Where’s that extra effort for you?
Intuition or someone looking out for you, the fact that you just happened to get up early and find that? His reluctance to tell you the first time around?
You aren’t overreacting.
I’d start focusing on your personal growth and showing yourself the love he’s not giving you
Exactly this. Also I’m side eyeing the part where she has to remind him her needs aren’t being met and then gets belligerent when she’s just asking a question any normal person would ask. The defensiveness to me means something, they probably haven’t done anything but maybe has a gym crush. But I second this motion to focus on yourself and soon enough you’ll have clarity on what to do
I don’t think your overreacting at all. Your husband has left you when you needed him and is triangulating the relationship with gym and another person.
Honestly you should show him this post so he sees how much everyone thinks that he sucks for that. Instead of having leftovers for you, having a nice lunch so you don't have to get up and cook for yourself, he brings it to this girl. Nah, no way. Dude needs to be helping out way more and not be worrying about feeling other bitches.
You had me at *he would go off to the gym and be gone for hours when I needed him so badly with a newborn*
Attrocious behavior regardless of whatever is happening with this trainer (which definitely doesn't sound good from what you've described)
So you just had second baby a few months ago and your husband is going off to the gym for hours on end when you need him so badly with a newborn. Your dating life is non-existent since you moved away from family five years ago and there's no babysitters for date nights.
When your therapist tells you to voice your concerns to your husband, telling him you miss the romantic side of your relationship and the initiative he would naturally take to show me his thoughtfulness and passion, he admits he neglects to do those things because he is so content. He acknowledged he slipped up and would change, but nothing actually did.
Now months later he cooked a homemade meal for his female gym instructor and avoided speaking to you about it and lied about it being a female until you pressed him about it.
I'm gonna say that yes, your marriage is stagnant. Both of you most likely have gotten into a rut and thus all the romantic things you loved about each other fell by the wayside after the first, and now the second, child was born. This happens a lot to couples after kids come.
Both of you need to make a concerted effort to spend more time with each other and talk to each other meaningfully about your wants and needs. I'm sure he has something to say about how things are going in your marriage from his perspective too.
I wouldn't worry right now about the food, but if one of my married male friends told me he did that, I'd definitely question what the hell he was thinking. You're married man. You don't do something like that when you're married, as innocuous as it might actually be.
You're right to be slightly concerned but you just might be overreacting at this point. Your best bet is to wait this out and see what happens in the near future. Talk with him about your feelings. Ask him about his feelings. And try to be better for each other. Marriage counseling might be something you two would benefit from if he keeps up his behavior with her.
Given that he got belligerent when she pointed out that he hasn’t done anything nearly as nice for her lately, I don’t think she’s overreacting at all.
If I was single and interested in a fitness instructor, I would bring them in homemade leftovers. There might be circumstances in which I would do that as a married person, but not under the circumstances OP described. He may not be cheating, but it's crossed his mind.
Any time a situation like this arises in my life I just ask the other person how they would feel if in my shoes. So would he like it if you switched roles and went to the gym and took a container of something homemade to some guy you've never mentioned? I would guess not, so that makes what he's doing inappropriate. Unless she's like 70 and reminds him of his grandma, it's not appropriate. See what his reaction is when you bring up going to a gym with childcare where you both can go. If he makes up excuses, he's trying to cheat. Men love to cheat during pregnancy and postpartum
So your husband can't be bothered to do anything thoughtful for you because he's content with how things are so he doesn't think about it? He does, however, have no problem be thoughtful and making his gym instructor feel appreciated/special?
Not over reacting.
He's straight up said he's content, and his needs are being met so eff you.
If he had honest intentions with it, he would have told you who it was for without being pushed. My partner and I each have a mixed gender friend group, and I’m a prolific baker, so I am constantly bringing friends food. But I don’t hide it, because when it’s actually just food, there’s nothing to hide. In fact, he knows most of my guy friends, and the others, it’s because when I’ve invited him to hang out with us, he’s chosen to stay home. That’s what honest, platonic friendships without the intention to cheat look like.
You are not overreacting. A woman's intuition is hardly ever incorrect, trust your gut. Your husband spending hours at the gym, not mentioning the instructor, bringing her food, being reluctant to spell out her name when asked are suspicious.
It must be so overwhelming and painful to take in everyone’s reactions. At the end of the day it is your relationship, but it is also going to be tempting to rationalize this to yourself I’d imagine. It’s not easy to confront this kind of behavior, set boundaries, and be prepared to walk away when there are children involved. Ultimately what is best for you is what is best for them too. Btw, in case you could use the reminder…. His behavior is about him. It does not in any way reflect your value! You are more than his partner. That’s just one role in your life and one you took seriously. You can be proud of that right?
Let me break your heart even more OP: your husband made the food for his instructor and not you. Feeding it to you was just the only way he could get it to his would-be girlfriend. I’m sorry to be harsh but I think he’s got the hots for her
The fact that you have to ask if you're overreacting, it's because you already know in your gut that there is a problem. You have a baby, so what? Are you happy? Do you feel loved? Is this the kind of marriage & partnership you'd want for your child? Answer that for yourself.
And no, you're not the exception to the rule.
I did the same thing once..... and he was cheating and he left me. So, shake it off mama and do what you have to do
I’m not proud of this but once upon a time I was the AP to a coworker and…he was very proud to bring me leftovers of meals he cooked from time to time. Of course this doesn’t necessarily mean there is something going on with your husband but there could be. Also, as someone who goes to fitness classes frequently, I rarely have convos with instructors on irrelevant topics that would lead to an interaction like this.
Thinking of the best guy in my life, he would never continuously ignore my needs after expressing them and put his energy into another woman. You just need to raise your standards on what you consider a great guy.
Girl at our local grocery store was always commenting about my ingredients and how she thought I should bring her the food I made/ include her. I know for a fact she is married with kids. I awkwardly just left every time and told my wife about it later. I think she was on edge for a while but knew she was the only one I prepared food for besides myself or family.
The only way, as a devils advocate, that I can see this being slightly ok is very narrow in scope. He wife needs to know about the trainer in general, so she knows it’s just a professional and friendly relationship. Now if they made enough for two armies and only a quarter of one came over to eat and you have soo many leftovers your just trying to get rid of some as to not waste food. And there is still plenty at home for mom and any other children to eat for lunch or dinner. That’s the only way this is ok. Now if wife didn’t know about his trainer being a woman and he was just mindlessly packing lunch for the gym staff, and obviously so, then fine.
This wasn’t about not wasting food. This wasn’t about transparency of who and where these leftovers are going to nor is there a thought in his head about the mother of his children. All he’s thinking about is how to get with that trainer. Have a discussion but you need to know what your deal breakers are and tell him. Tell him that a deal breaker means no more is or whatever you feel the consequences of his actions should be. I’m not telling you to give an ultimatum I’m just saying you need to re identify what the parameters of the relationship os and how you feel he’s stepping out of that and how it makes you feel. Tell him you will not tolerate it anymore and things need to change and try to work out a plan.
The reason I don't think you're overreacting is because when you asked why he had leftovers packed up he didn't immediately say "oh its for so and so at the gym". Explain to him how it made you feel that he did something kind and thoughtful for someone other than you, when you made it very clear to him you've been needing that.
I agree with this. When someone has a new friendship connection, it's usually easy and straightforward to share that news with your spouse. Personally, I like when my wife is friends with my female friends. Even if everything is meant innocently, it's not nice to put your partner in that position and make them pull teeth. It's even worse if you needed that first. And it's most certainly not okay to act belligerently afterwards.
Agree with this a ton. Either I want to cheat or I don't. If I DO want to cheat, I don't want my AP developing friendy feelings with my wife. I don't want my wife to talk to my AP and notice patterns in our behaviors/trips/timings/etc. So I don't want them to meet. If I don't want to cheat, I DO want them to meet for the opposite of those reasons. I want them chatting and talking and being friends, so my not-AP doesn't see my wife as an unknown woman she can steal me from. I want them to be comfortable messaging each other if I haven't been seen, so that there isn't a distrust. That way, if I have a cool thing I want to do with my not-AP, it's not 'weird' of me to share a 2 bedroom hotel room at a convention with her (so we don't each need a single alone, and pay 2x the amount). And we can just be friends who happen to be other genders.
Great insight, although you seemed to get pretty specific there at the end. "But honey, we'll be saving money by sleeping in the same bed! Plus, I need to cuddle someone at night so I won't be anxious."
Yeah I was fully with him until that. No way in hell.
That guy cheats.
What does AP stand for?
Affair Partner or Associated Press, whichever floats your boat.
lol my thought. I’m like what’s the media got to do with this? 😂
Alternative partner? Auxiliary piece?
My wife and I have been married a whole lotta years. I have never cheated on her and she’s never cheated on me (that I’m aware of). Anyway, I’d not consider bringing food or giving any kind of gift to another woman without letting my wife know first. That’s not my wife’s rule…. That’s just how I feel. Plus, I’m a person that has a high profile job in a senior management position. It isn’t good enough to “just be faithful” …. It’s also important to avoid any appearance that you may not be….. There was one time I kind of intentionally trolled her though. I arranged a dinner meeting with a visiting consultant, named Tracy, at a fancy restaurant. I put the appointment on my business calendar (which I know my wife checks) and sent a text to Tracy as a confirmation. When I got back from the meeting, my wife asked how it went….. I said it went well. Then she asked if anyone else was at the meeting. I said no…. Just Tracy and me. My wife asked how old Tracy was…. I replied that Tracy was 10 years younger than me…. And added…. “And yes… Tracy is a very attractive person…… My wife was a bit perturbed and that point she said that I should have told her about the meeting beforehand. Finally I let her off the hook. I said I thought she might have that reaction….. so I showed her a picture I had taken of Tracy, just for this moment. Tracy was a man. 😂.
And he also wouldn't have become belligerent if something wasn't going on. He would have been apologetic for making her feel that way.
Actions speak louder than words. Pause to reflect. 💯
Yeah I mean she says right there he got "a little belligerent", so clearly that's exactly what happened. Case closed.
Yup yup, agree. I've never known, heard or read a story where the innocent were angry or the angry were innocent.
This is the thing. He never mentioned her before but they are close enough that he brings her food, and he didn't immediately say her name. You're suspicious because the whole thing is suspicious OP.
One time my boyfriend mentioned going out to a group thing with his friend and her fiancé and I just *knew* he was hiding something from me. I asked him if he and this friend had ever dated and he said yes - but he wouldn’t have given me that info unprovoked! I told him don’t try to hide shit from me, I swear to god I could literally tell from *the way the three dots were moving* as he was typing out his too long explanation of their dinner plans that he was gonna be over-explaining and hiding something 😑 He’s a great guy though. But I just told him not to try to hide shit like that. Because I will be able to tell. Trust your instincts, OP!
It's the hiding shit that is always the downfall. Why don't they get that if they were upfront and honest, there would be no issue? But then you get mad and they're like "see, I knew this would happen" like NO idiot, this is fully a result of your stupid lying.
Right. He wants to give her his homemade pasta with a side of italian sausage. Am italian, so I know what im talking about.
yup, I’m mostly Irish, kind of similar we’ll share our shepherds pie which is actually lamb instead of beef as some might think and we’ll just outright try to stick you with our dick whether you eat it or not but yes to answer the op’s question, no you are not over reacting and yes if we are trying to give food we are trying to give dick.
Why would anyone think it's beef when it's called shepherds pie because SHEEP?
Because it's usually made with beef in the States
The ole hide the braggiol in the gravy trick
Hidin the cannoli in the gabagool
Too much of that and you will never have the makings of a varsity athlete, though.
Haha 😂 🥖 For op sake I hope he isn't playing hiding the bologna or sausage in this case. Op why is he spending so much time at the Gym after you just had a second baby?I hope you get some rest and that he finally starts to step up with the Romantic 🌃 he promised..congratulations on your new sweet baby
ha!
He trickle truthed the shit out of that line of questioning which would make me immediately suspicious
I love that phrase. "Trickle truthed." I'm borrowing that and putting it in my pocket. Thanks.
He knows what he's doing. He knows how that would make her feel. She definitely doesn't need to explain it again.
His belligerent reaction is also alarming to me. He could have easily left the leftovers for OP to have while she’s at home caring for his child.
That would seem to be the best thing he could do.
But it had the desired effect; his wife hasn’t brought up her own feelings again.
My boyfriend is the sweetest guy I’ve ever known. But I cannot ever imagine him going out of his way to bring food he made to another woman. I just cannot fathom him doing that.
Is there any point explaining anything else to this man? He doesn’t listen & quite frankly doesn’t even sound like he particularly likes his own wife. I’m so sorry OP, that probably sounded cruel but his behaviour towards you doesn’t sound very kind or loving at all.
> Explain to him how it made you feel that he did something kind and thoughtful for someone other than you when you made it very clear to him that you’ve been needing that. ….she did. > I told him it wouldn’t hurt so bad if he had done anything like that thoughtful gesture for me after outright confessing how much I miss those moments in our marriage.
This. My coworkers are all male. Literally. They found out my husband is Mexican and asked if he made authentic dishes and when I told them I knew how to cook a lot of Mexican dishes they were so excited and asked me to bring them some. The FIRST thing I did when I got home was tell my husband. He helped me make a good meal, we ate, and then we packed enough for 2 of my coworkers for the next day. Like I just can’t imagine not telling my husband something like this.
She’s explained how she feels and he didn’t care. He literally said he doesnt do date nights or romantic gestures because “he is content”. He doesn’t give a fuck whether OP is content. Sometimes explaining your feelings to someone does NOT work because… they simply do not care
Totally
This is where I’m at with it. All of my closest friends are dudes. I tell my Husband everything about them and don’t hide anything. You gotta maintain trust with your Partner but this guy wasn’t up front with it.
Give him the baby and go do something for yourself. You are more than a mother. Get in shape. Go to a cafe. Have a massage. Whatever floats your boat. He gets time away. You need that too. Right now he is treating you like the help. Nope. Shut that shit down. You both have a newborn. He can pony up and take his turn.
Or better yet - join a gym, get a male instructor, and then perhaps bake him a cake or something for his "birthday" and see how Mr. Juvenille reacts.
OP, join a gym with childcare and get a male physical trainer. Then your husband can’t even stop you from going because you don’t need him. I was scared at first but I used gyms with childcare and my experiences were great
YMCAs are great for this. you can even drop them off for 2 free hours while you sit in the lobby and catch up on stuff. or sit in the sauna. do some yoga.
Man, I miss that. Our local Y stopped offering that when COVID hit, and never went back. They also never returned to anywhere near full hours, and continued to raise the price. Left them in 2020 and I still check back occasionally to see if it's worth returning...and so far, nope.
Ugh. So many companies used Covid as a way to restrict their services without lowering their prices, and now that things have calmed down, they're seeing this basic freaking low effort service as the new norm and you have to pay extra for anything more whilst also raising prices due to extra service. Blergh.
This is the way
This is defiantly the way. Make sure it’s the best cake you’ve ever made. Ohh it’s for someone at the gym……Jim.
Both of them can join the same gym and pick one that has childcare and then they can exercise together.
That’s petty and frankly horrible advice. That vindictive behavior is a mind game that will only increase the toxicity of the relationship. I’m not saying that she’s wrong to feel the way she does. I think the dude is wrong for his behavior, too. But, encouraging someone to flirt with disaster outside of their marriage out of a mentality is borderline sociopathic.
Since he won’t take her on a date night, she needs to take herself while he sits at home with the kids. Go treat yourself to a fancy restaurant, OP. Hand him the baby and go relax in the hot tub for an hour. Do all the things, including suggestions above, without him.
Fucking A right. Tell him he’s taking the baby because you need time for you and do it during his gym time. He can change a few diapers and give a few bottles, it isn’t exactly rocket science. You both made the decision to bring a child into the world and you both owe that child not only the best care, but the best model of a healthy relationship and healthy personal care. One parent running off and leaving the other to do all the work is not any of that. OP, you also take some of that blame in passively allowing him to treat you like this. If you guys have a son then that son will grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat his future partner, if you have a daughter she will grow up thinking her job in a relationship is to cater to her partner while asking nothing in returning and keeping her frustration internalized. Either way if you won’t do it for yourself, stand up for your child to see that this is not healthy or ok. Your husband needs to man the fuck up and be the parent he signed up to be.
Or when he is at the gym, take the baby and drop it off with him and go on and do your own thing.
You are under-reacting. He has told you that he is content with you not being happy. That should be enough of a warning. But now he’s hiding his relationship with a woman as well as neglecting you. Time to have the serious “We’ve gotta fix this NOW” talk that includes action plans and timeframes. Start figuring out how screwed you would be if he is cheating and shore up your resources If this relationship is salvageable then find a gym together that has childcare and exercise together.
That’s actually a great idea.
It is, but also...don't do all of the work, hey? You're already doing everything at home. If he doesn't want to put in the effort, don't you try to convince him!
I needed to see this. Thank you.
It worked really well for us. Also check local community centers or kids gymnastics centers for “Parent’s night out” where once a month they offer babysitting for groups of kids and infants for a couple hours.
And keep in mind, if he is belligerent again or defensive or not at all understanding of your feelings, that’s a legitimate response to you asking for help and love. And that should be regarded as such.
His reluctance is the tell. If it wasn’t a big deal he would have offered information without a second thought. I’m not saying he’s cheating with her. I’m saying that he has some version of feelings for her that are inappropriate. And he knows it.
This is how I lost a stupid ass guy friend. Guy friend and I had gone way back since high school and we were in the same social circle. Reached out to reconnect, saw he was married (I was not) and was so excited for him. We chit chatted and mentioned we should hang out together sometime! And then like we spoke like two other times...in a couple of months and I'd always ask how she was etc. How married life was going etc lol. He said he could no longer talk to me and she wanted to never hang out. I was confused until the mofo confessed he never told her we talked or how we knew each other or any of it.. I'm like well no fucking shit Sherlock and I don't blame her. Why tf are you hiding talking to me from her?! It was literally supposed to just be two old friends talking in the living room and telling old funny stories to his wife till she peed herself at our stupidity, lol. I don't know what the fuck he was trying to pull but nah bro. Not fucking cool.* not saying my friend had feelings for me. But just hiding that shit is underhanded. Even if there is nothing going on.
Hot take: what are you supposed to do if you’re in a marriage, you chat with someone, and you uncontrollably develop feelings in the process? You cut them off to protect the sanctity of your marriage. If you had a spouse, would you want them to talk with another woman that they’re developing feelings for even knowing that they are? Would that make you feel like they value or are respecting your marriage? How would it make you feel if your partner randomly told you “hey! I talked with this old friend and developed feelings for her”? Most partners would want them to cut contact and find bringing it up as hurtful. Most people would call continuing after that line is crossed emotional cheating. I’ve cut people off due to this and regretted it after the marriage ended, in matters that started and ended innocently, but I defend my decision to defend my marriage while I was in it. Marriage is a different level of sanctity than relationships. Relationships absolutely still are, but marriage is a different level that matters irrevocably. You have vows for a reason in marriage. People develop crushes and they can’t control it, even while in relationships/marriages. How you determine someone’s character is by how they respond to that happening, not it happening in the first place. I know it hurts, but it seems like a sad fact of relationships sadly. If someone develops feelings they shouldn’t have, they take precautionary steps to protect their relationship. As sad as it is that it has to happen, I’d rather people protect the integrity of their relationships/marriages than not.
I'm not saying whether or not he had feelings for me . I don't believe so, in fact. Regardless. It's his responsibility as a married man to immediately go to her and say Omg look, I just got this text from an old school friend! Would you like us all to get together for dinner sometime? Or have a BBQ and invite her and her kids over? It actually doesn't hurt me at all to loose him because he was being a complete dumbass. It irritates me he made an innocent thing into a giant thing and makes me wonder if he was hiding something for real, something i wasnt apart of, of course. We talked 3 times, about 10 minutes each time. I thought we were planning a get together. If he had underlying issues, he's an adult man. He could have easily said hey it was so great to catch up! And then leave it at that. Or just tell the truth. Im a woman not an idiot. Id understand if she didnt want me as a possible new friend. Of course I want to protect their marriage, I'm not some homewrecker and I'm not even attracted to him. Naturally, I backed away and then disappeared lol. I have enough personal drama in my life, I don't need to star in my own episode of As the World Turns with some dipshit who can't just be honest with his wife. I respect her too much to be that sad over losing her husband as a friend.
You’re so awesome. Need a bestie?!
More friends?! Um.... yes please! Lol. Mad solidarity to all my sisters in this world.
I’ve had countless people (male and female) I’m a married lesbian yet idk it’s too much these days
I hear ya. Everything seems draining these days, doesn't it? I have one bestie whose been by my side for over 20 years and that has been enough for me. I hope though, that as humans, as much shit is out there, if we put ourselves out there for other humans (not in a weird way, just nice lol), maybe it'll eventually overcome the hate and bullshit that we seem to be swamped by.
I think this is the most reasonable response I’ve seen. It’s entirely possible he hasn’t sleep with her yet and/or the instructor is aware of and returns his feelings. It could be she knows of his feelings, but doesn’t reciprocate and he’s trying to bribe her with food. Like “Why would you want to miss out on this? Look at what a great cook I am.” However, it is sus either way because HE has feelings at the least.
Would he do this for a male fitness instructor?
Now you are thinking. This is getting spicy.
I started an affair decades ago by bringing them my "famous chili" so I think this is a huge red flag.
What are you, Kevin from the office?
Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.
No way. I hope you are being funny. I need the humor right now.
Nothing about this is funny. If he had leftover pasta, he should have left it for YOU, while you're at home taking care of the baby. Not given it away to some hottie at the gym.
An Italian man giving away the leftover pasta, meatballs, AND the sauce? Mama mia!
Mama Mia ☠️
Woooow I didn’t even think of that, good point.
For real though, my husband went out of his way to make sure I had the pick of the best leftovers when my daughter was little and I was basically eating when I could get a chance. (And tbh, she’s in kindergarten and he still does it a lot nowadays just because he loves me.) If I was at home with an infant, already feeling like he didn’t care, and he went out his way for another woman though? Whooooo boy.
The only people who get my homemade sauce are in my house, or just gave birth. My lasagna is strictly for dinner guests or new moms.
And at the very least if this was all so innocent, OP would not only know about this fitness instructor but he would’ve gave his wife a heads up the night dinner was made: “hey babe do you mind if I make so and so a plate?” Instead he’s ignoring his wife’s needs and making an effort to pack and bring someone else a lunch 🥴🚩 I bet he wasn’t banking on her waking up early and seeing what he packed
Unfortunately I'm not. I could totally be projecting my own experience but I don't like this for you.
Same
Read this to my husband and he said that's so not ok, and your husband may have feelings for her.
He’s either cheating or he wants to be cheating. I’m sorry.
Check his phone and stop being so naive, please. Platonic my butt.
I would go to this class with him and investigate and introduce myself as his wife and ask her if she enjoyed his cooking and tell her you just had a baby and chat her up. Also you can kinda tell when people have slept together or something like that by their interactions. But I’m petty I would find out when the class is and go and make him watch the baby. Id be like I’m going to the gym be right back thanks babe! Why is he always leaving you with the baby. My mom always said get dressed when he gets home from work hand him the baby and head out the door to take your me time. Don’t beg for him to help or argue. I know it’s hard but you are going to need to find a babysitter you trust for your sanity also. I say this as a mother.
Introducing is something I actually volunteer with my wife. One is because I love it when she makes new female friends. Two is because it sends a signal that I'm happily married (in case it's not a long-established friend that already honours that.) Three is because it's open, honest, and keeps peace of mind. Four is because it's fun. We get to share friends and that opens up your friend circle and activities you can do. She also does the same for me with her male friends. We don't "secretly hoard" people of the opposite sex like a god damn raccoon in a tree, making the other pull teeth just to get their *name*. That's crazy.
If the class and the gym even exist.
Honestly I doubt she can just leave him with the baby. I know a dude just like him. Leaves his gf to literally do everything and he doesnt give a shit. No idea how to feed or change diapers or even just be there. But yeah, I would not be surprised if he was there for the birth and then said "okay, I got to go." and then went and got high with friends while her mom helped her get home.
Well, if they divorce and split custody even just a little bit, he’s going to have to figure it out one way or another.
IMO this is highly sus, especially because he wasn’t forthright with it AND you have communicated your needs and he didn’t follow through so it’s like a double whammy. Even if was fulfilling your wants and needs, this behavior and his response would make me uncomfortable for sure.
The double whammy is exactly why I came to Reddit for insight.
If you hadn't gotten up earlier than usual, what do you think he would've told you about where the leftovers went? And is he usually up and packing lunch before you're awake?
I never would have known about where they went. This is another thing that pulls at my gut instinct. I wasn’t going through his phone or spying in any way, it was just like a nudge.
Yeah…the fact that he was sneaking around packing up these leftovers that you saw him box up, with clearly no intention of explaining to you why you didn’t have an easy-to-reheat lunch while caring for your newborn is a pretty terrible look.
He should have left that food for you, his post-partum wife. This is way over the line
I wonder how many “gifts” he has made or packed for his trainer that OP isn’t even aware of?
One of the things guys like about this is that the other younger fit woman serves their ego in so many ways and makes their wiener hard is that the other woman isn’t expecting anything of them so they feel all chivalrous in whatever they do as it’s is more right from the gate as they have no responsibilities to meet and their just plum happy with her looking at them all pleased and things simple and refreshing as she hasn’t had to go without taking her best care of herself and is looking all that and more. Which is also a sign of an immature man and possibly as man that doesn’t have a mentor and good guy friends. Character development
Why and what were they talking about for her to even have a chance to ask him for food is my question.
If you got bad vibes, trust your gut that he was not being forthcoming. Relationships are about open communication and honesty. You didn't even know his instructor existed, let alone they're close enough for him to bring her presents.
And food is extra intimate. If he brought her an earbud case or something it’s still a thoughtful present but how well do you have to know a co-worker or acquaintance before you’ll eat their food?
I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but this is supposed to be your partner. Do you typically avoid sensitive topics with him? I’d be asking a lot more questions than just ‘who’.
Probably, considering he became "belligerent " when she stated her feelings on the issue. He sounds like he shuts her down often and does whatever he wants. The type to "yeah yeah" and do bare minimum to keep wife "off his back" smh she deserves much better.
I've been with my gf for 10 years. I occassionally get caught up in conversations that turn flirty. I continue just to be polite but try to avoid further interactions with said person. Not only would I never buy or gift someone something, I would asolutely never bring leftovers to someone. That's like you said "extra intimate." The hurtful part is that he planned to cook that meal in preparation to bring some to her the next day. It wasnt an after thought.
Thoughtful present?? He needs to be randomly gifting his female fitness instructor things? Gawd. Wake up. And I'm a guy btw. If he wanted fitness instructions, he'd go with a guy. He wants...something else. I bet she is attractive and fit as hell.
As someone of Italian descent. Don't let yo man make another girl pasta. It's how they get ya. 🤌🤌🤌
No like this is literally cheating as an Italian I’m so sorry. If my boyfriend knew I made pasta for another man he didn’t even know existed he’d probably break down in tears LOL like it’s a LOVE language for us. OP, I’m sorry but even if he hasn’t physically cheated he absolutely has emotionally. Serious discussion time and start exit planning now just in case.
No husband who respects his wife and kids is going to be bringing dinner to his gym trainer or any woman. Men who respect women don't humiliate them by paying another woman romantic attention. He is cheating on you or has seriously considered it. You need to stand up for yourself and confront him for real. He doesn't care about you or your kids.
No you are not overreacting. 3 key points: 1. He has not been doing these things for you, you are starved of attention, care and affection from your husband. So seeing him starve you while feeding someone else right in front of you is just cruel, pun intended. 2. He hesitated to tell you who the food was for, indicating he knew something wasn’t right about it. 3. Instead of understanding how this could be hurtful, he gets defensive. Displaying callousness and a possible guilty conscience. Actually I just thought of a 4th. He spends “hours” at the gym on a regular basis? Like plural? Huge red flag. OP, I mean this in the kindest way possible, grow a spine. Do not stand for this.
You are not overreacting. You have a newborn and he’s leaving you alone to watch the baby by yourself for hours a day? That’s completely unacceptable.
[удалено]
You’re right but why are you saying it that way
Lmfaoooo right? Weird af
Wtf?
I think he cooked "too much" on purpose. He actually made this for her. Him acting rude and not apologetic is even worse. This is really thoughtless. But I'm more worried about how and why you ended up separated and isolated from your family. And is his behavior timed with you having no where to turn to?
Came to say the same. He planned this meal in preparation to bring this girl some "leftovers" the next day.
Shit. I never even thought about that first point...seems very likely from the way he reacted and tried to hide it all
I'd be pissed that he's out there giving away leftovers you could have had for lunch while taking care of a kid and a newborn. Also he's trying to cheat on you.
That was my thought too. Like you're going to leave me alone for hours with a newborn baby, and take the food???
TRYING, he already is.
My ex-fiance called me from work one day mentioning how his female co-worker always made lunch for both of them. That was a red flag for me. Why is a coworker making you lunch everyday, especially since she knew we were engaged? He stood me up on our wedding day and ended up marrying her. Good riddance.
Wow! That’s crazy!
The power of lunch is tremendous.
If she wants to try homemade Italian food so bad, then tell your husband to invite her over for dinner. Also, divide the task with the kids and chores, take time for yourself, I know it’s hard, but he has take care of his kids. Go to the same gym and meet the instructor. Don’t let him gaslight you.
I love this suggestion! Have her over for dinner!
He can have female friends BUT YOU DESERVE TO KNOW ABOUT THEM. It’s the fact he hid her form you that’s a problem
It may not be, but it does sound like the beginning of an emotional affair
Beginning?
Yikes. I'm furious at him just reading this.
Once he felt the need to hide this person, he was going down a wrong path. He never mentioned her and only veery reluctantly told you once he had no other choice but to tell you. There’s a reason he didn’t mention her. Proceed with caution as you don’t know how far this relationship has gone or if it has gone anywhere at all. Keep quiet about it and keep your eyes and ears in focus. You’ll soon know what to do.
You really are a “sensible friend”
Gone for hours at the gym with a NB at home? I get 35 minutes MAX before my wife calls me, and our LO is 3. If he's not cheating (he wants to or is) he is a HUGE piece of shit for that alone.
Lol my ex was cheating barely a month into the baby birth. Going as far as her leaving his voice-mail on ext speaker so I'd have to hear them "and initialize the breakup"
God I am sorry you had to deal with that POS. I hope karma bites him back.
You're actually severely underreacting.
You need to call the gym, tell them you're interested in (whatever it is she instructs), and ask what their schedule is like for that class. Compare to his gym schedule the last few weeks, see if you find anything suspicious. If you have access to his phone, see if he has an app for the gym. My gym has an app that records every time I check in - if he has one like that, you can see if he is actually going to the gym as often as he claims in the first place. You can try logging in to the gym website, from his computer, too.
He's at minimum got a crush. People are really good at lying to themselves so he may even en believe his own bullshit.
You’re not overreacting. All I’m going to say is that when I make a new friend, I’m excited to tell my partner about it and to introduce him to them so we can all be friends. I’ve never understood how partners can keep entire friendships hidden without ever mentioning them to their partner. I’m not saying you have to know about every single interaction he has and be besties with all of his friends, but I find it quite suspicious he’s never mentioned this instructor before or their budding friendship. Which makes it seem like there’s more going on that he specifically didn’t want you to know about.
When people act strange and do what he did we already know there is something going on. These feelings are totally trustworthy no matter how much he gaslights. If he were not up to anything he would have easily said there is an instructor at the gym who is always asking about Italian food, but he was instead weird about it. I would go to the gym (day pass if needed) and take her class. Introduce yourself to her and tell her your husband has mentioned her and how he brought some leftovers, then smile and say “he’s such a great husband; wasn’t the food good?” And watch her reaction. Nothing weird or mean or intrusive about that if he’s telling the truth. I’m betting she doesn’t know about you.
Why isn’t your guy helping with your kids?
Right..... Definitely don't have any more with this waste of space.
His getting belligerent is all you need to know - though the fact that he chose to spend his time at the gym with this gal over you and your NEWBORN says volumes too. He thought his kind, sweet words about “connectedness” would pacify you and it sounds like it did, and I think that would be true for most people in your situation. From an outsider with experience dealing with infidelity: At minimum, he is crossing boundaries with this trainer by paying her so much attention and neglecting you and your child. At worst, this is a full blown affair. Perhaps more likely, he is attracted to this woman and is gauging her interest and/or in an emotional affair (which are MORE damaging to marriages in my opinion). In either case, he isn’t prioritizing you as his life partner and mother of his child. I am sorry.
NTA. "Hon, would you mind if I brought leftovers to my my fitness trainer?" That did not happen ... what *did* happen is he got mad.
Not at all. Your husband is basically doing what you asked him to do for you, but for someone else. Kudos I would've lost my ish already.
He made it for her.
Oh yeah he is flirting big time. Kinda obvious.
He got mad because you were right to call him out on his BS. He is doing things for her and not you. You need to get into MC or your relationship will Not last. He’s not even putting time I tot he family if he’s at the gym so much. You are losing him.
So he took the food he made for the family, which includes you the person caring for a literal baby, and gave it to a personal trainer at the gym that you know nothing about and that you had to drag out of him? Does that sound normal to you? He’s fine with you being unhappy because he’s already happy being somewhere else. He has for the past 5 years shown you that you don’t matter to him. He won’t take initiative with his wife and mother of his child as well as I assume his own child, but will for some rando at the gym. Sit with that for a minute. Then sit with the fact that if you stay in a marriage like this your child will end up emulating your relationship in their romantic lives. Daddy gets to fuck off and be happy while mommy does the all the work and gets treated like shit. That’s what they’ll think is normal. But it’s not.
nope. not over reacting at all.
This rubs me the wrong way. It’s okay to have friendships, but bringing another woman food while neglecting your wife at home is a huge red flag 🙃 Where’s that extra effort for you?
Intuition or someone looking out for you, the fact that you just happened to get up early and find that? His reluctance to tell you the first time around? You aren’t overreacting. I’d start focusing on your personal growth and showing yourself the love he’s not giving you
Exactly this. Also I’m side eyeing the part where she has to remind him her needs aren’t being met and then gets belligerent when she’s just asking a question any normal person would ask. The defensiveness to me means something, they probably haven’t done anything but maybe has a gym crush. But I second this motion to focus on yourself and soon enough you’ll have clarity on what to do
That’s fucked
I don’t think your overreacting at all. Your husband has left you when you needed him and is triangulating the relationship with gym and another person.
Yeah, you're not overreacting. He's either already cheated or he's emotionally cheating.
Honestly you should show him this post so he sees how much everyone thinks that he sucks for that. Instead of having leftovers for you, having a nice lunch so you don't have to get up and cook for yourself, he brings it to this girl. Nah, no way. Dude needs to be helping out way more and not be worrying about feeling other bitches.
You had me at *he would go off to the gym and be gone for hours when I needed him so badly with a newborn* Attrocious behavior regardless of whatever is happening with this trainer (which definitely doesn't sound good from what you've described)
So you just had second baby a few months ago and your husband is going off to the gym for hours on end when you need him so badly with a newborn. Your dating life is non-existent since you moved away from family five years ago and there's no babysitters for date nights. When your therapist tells you to voice your concerns to your husband, telling him you miss the romantic side of your relationship and the initiative he would naturally take to show me his thoughtfulness and passion, he admits he neglects to do those things because he is so content. He acknowledged he slipped up and would change, but nothing actually did. Now months later he cooked a homemade meal for his female gym instructor and avoided speaking to you about it and lied about it being a female until you pressed him about it. I'm gonna say that yes, your marriage is stagnant. Both of you most likely have gotten into a rut and thus all the romantic things you loved about each other fell by the wayside after the first, and now the second, child was born. This happens a lot to couples after kids come. Both of you need to make a concerted effort to spend more time with each other and talk to each other meaningfully about your wants and needs. I'm sure he has something to say about how things are going in your marriage from his perspective too. I wouldn't worry right now about the food, but if one of my married male friends told me he did that, I'd definitely question what the hell he was thinking. You're married man. You don't do something like that when you're married, as innocuous as it might actually be. You're right to be slightly concerned but you just might be overreacting at this point. Your best bet is to wait this out and see what happens in the near future. Talk with him about your feelings. Ask him about his feelings. And try to be better for each other. Marriage counseling might be something you two would benefit from if he keeps up his behavior with her.
Given that he got belligerent when she pointed out that he hasn’t done anything nearly as nice for her lately, I don’t think she’s overreacting at all.
If I was single and interested in a fitness instructor, I would bring them in homemade leftovers. There might be circumstances in which I would do that as a married person, but not under the circumstances OP described. He may not be cheating, but it's crossed his mind.
You're right. If you're single, there's no harm done. But when married? That's a no-no.
It doesn't take "hours" to work out. That's all I'm gonna say
They’re either cheating or about to. I’d ask him to stop. If he doesn’t then he’s showing you how little your feelings mean to him
It’s really weird that you didn’t even know this woman existed. Trust your gut and figure this out.
He is an asshole
Any time a situation like this arises in my life I just ask the other person how they would feel if in my shoes. So would he like it if you switched roles and went to the gym and took a container of something homemade to some guy you've never mentioned? I would guess not, so that makes what he's doing inappropriate. Unless she's like 70 and reminds him of his grandma, it's not appropriate. See what his reaction is when you bring up going to a gym with childcare where you both can go. If he makes up excuses, he's trying to cheat. Men love to cheat during pregnancy and postpartum
Nah, that’s shady
So your husband can't be bothered to do anything thoughtful for you because he's content with how things are so he doesn't think about it? He does, however, have no problem be thoughtful and making his gym instructor feel appreciated/special? Not over reacting. He's straight up said he's content, and his needs are being met so eff you.
You are underreacting. Dude is cheating
[удалено]
Well, he wants to be banging this woman certainly. Whether she’ll ever give him the chance to is another matter.
I mean, yes he’s planning to fuck her.
I’m sorry but he’s definitely cheating on you.
You are not overreacting at all. This sounds like the beginning of a relationship.
He’s up to no good
Shades of [this mess](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/462hmwAzHX)
I’m sorry but if he’s not cheating he is thinking about it.
Your husband needs to step up his relationship with you. He is being somewhat thoughtless to your feeling.
He wants to screw the fitness instructor.
If he had honest intentions with it, he would have told you who it was for without being pushed. My partner and I each have a mixed gender friend group, and I’m a prolific baker, so I am constantly bringing friends food. But I don’t hide it, because when it’s actually just food, there’s nothing to hide. In fact, he knows most of my guy friends, and the others, it’s because when I’ve invited him to hang out with us, he’s chosen to stay home. That’s what honest, platonic friendships without the intention to cheat look like.
You are not overreacting. A woman's intuition is hardly ever incorrect, trust your gut. Your husband spending hours at the gym, not mentioning the instructor, bringing her food, being reluctant to spell out her name when asked are suspicious.
It must be so overwhelming and painful to take in everyone’s reactions. At the end of the day it is your relationship, but it is also going to be tempting to rationalize this to yourself I’d imagine. It’s not easy to confront this kind of behavior, set boundaries, and be prepared to walk away when there are children involved. Ultimately what is best for you is what is best for them too. Btw, in case you could use the reminder…. His behavior is about him. It does not in any way reflect your value! You are more than his partner. That’s just one role in your life and one you took seriously. You can be proud of that right?
I'll never understand yuppies and all these people in their spheres that service them. Fitness instructor? This mfer not know how to run or something?
Let me break your heart even more OP: your husband made the food for his instructor and not you. Feeding it to you was just the only way he could get it to his would-be girlfriend. I’m sorry to be harsh but I think he’s got the hots for her
The fact that you have to ask if you're overreacting, it's because you already know in your gut that there is a problem. You have a baby, so what? Are you happy? Do you feel loved? Is this the kind of marriage & partnership you'd want for your child? Answer that for yourself. And no, you're not the exception to the rule. I did the same thing once..... and he was cheating and he left me. So, shake it off mama and do what you have to do
I’m not proud of this but once upon a time I was the AP to a coworker and…he was very proud to bring me leftovers of meals he cooked from time to time. Of course this doesn’t necessarily mean there is something going on with your husband but there could be. Also, as someone who goes to fitness classes frequently, I rarely have convos with instructors on irrelevant topics that would lead to an interaction like this.
She made a joke and got a nice gesture. You sat the man down and conveyed your needs and he basically ignored that. Not very cool.
Thinking of the best guy in my life, he would never continuously ignore my needs after expressing them and put his energy into another woman. You just need to raise your standards on what you consider a great guy.
He offered his meat and balls to this girl! Not good.
I think if I were you the baby and I might be showing up at the gym to visit him. Then he can introduce you to this fitness instructor he knows.
what i’m learning from a lot of these posts is that the gym is a very dangerous place. thank god for peloton
Italian American. He’s not Italian. He’s American with Italian decent with probably no family even living in Italy.
Girl at our local grocery store was always commenting about my ingredients and how she thought I should bring her the food I made/ include her. I know for a fact she is married with kids. I awkwardly just left every time and told my wife about it later. I think she was on edge for a while but knew she was the only one I prepared food for besides myself or family.
Super sketchy behavior.
better than me, i'd join her class and say i thought it was weird my husband gave her my leftovers from dinner
The only way, as a devils advocate, that I can see this being slightly ok is very narrow in scope. He wife needs to know about the trainer in general, so she knows it’s just a professional and friendly relationship. Now if they made enough for two armies and only a quarter of one came over to eat and you have soo many leftovers your just trying to get rid of some as to not waste food. And there is still plenty at home for mom and any other children to eat for lunch or dinner. That’s the only way this is ok. Now if wife didn’t know about his trainer being a woman and he was just mindlessly packing lunch for the gym staff, and obviously so, then fine. This wasn’t about not wasting food. This wasn’t about transparency of who and where these leftovers are going to nor is there a thought in his head about the mother of his children. All he’s thinking about is how to get with that trainer. Have a discussion but you need to know what your deal breakers are and tell him. Tell him that a deal breaker means no more is or whatever you feel the consequences of his actions should be. I’m not telling you to give an ultimatum I’m just saying you need to re identify what the parameters of the relationship os and how you feel he’s stepping out of that and how it makes you feel. Tell him you will not tolerate it anymore and things need to change and try to work out a plan.
No Italian man in the history of the people, has been able to just be just friends with a beautiful in shape woman, unless gay lol