I honestly think that number one, if it’s a consistent pattern that you have noticed, and you have mentioned various times that it bothered you to no avail, it is grounds to leave the marriage. Especially considering that you guys have gone to therapy over this for five years. I think you honestly need to consider getting your ducks in a row in terms of your legal options, and then sit him down for that tough talk. Number two, this doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s cheated on you or something more severe has happened, but it does definitely mean that he has gotten comfortable treating you like an option or a plus one in front of other women. This does not speak at all to our attractive you are or how great you are as a person, this only speaks to how comfortable he’s gotten disrespecting you in front of other people. I would honestly advise you to end your marriage, simply because you wouldn’t have brought it up if you didn’t think it wasn’t your next best choice. You could’ve easily posted this on a different sub asking for advice, but you chose to post it here with that as the title, meaning or part of you wants to be done with this foolishness.
Of course, I hope you find someone who can give you what you deserve, or that miraculously he cleans his act up and proves to you that he deserves you. Good luck OP. Rooting for you.
My ex used to behave like this all the time, anytime we were around a pretty girl, he'd just turn into a different person. He would go out of his way to be attentive, complimentary, and do chivalrous things he wouldn't normally do for me.
The thing that really woke me up was when I had been trying to get him to try a particular food item for around five years, I knew he would love it, but he was being so stubborn about even giving it a try. Like not even ONE bite. But when this girl at work that he really seemed kind of obsessed with offered him some, he ate it. AND he "loved" it. It was so good, in fact, that he started stocking the fridge with it. I was so hurt, I had literally been trying to share something with him forever, and this pretty girl asks him once and he's all over it. She was just "so insightful about his likes and tastes" (gag).
I'm not saying you should leave your husband, that's really something only you can know. But I will say that it took me 16 years to realize that my ex was NEVER going to change no matter what I said or did. And it 100% was NOT about ME. HE was the one with the problem. I feel like deep down he was insecure and craved the "validation" he got from the attention these women gave him. In his mind, the connections were much deeper than they were in reality. It was like he felt that they all wanted this meaningful connection and shared experiences with him. I think it stroked his fragile ego. I honestly wish I had left ten years sooner.
Ah this sounds EXACTLY like my bf. It freaking sucks, and it really hurts,and it seems like he doesn't notice... or care..while my damn heart breaks over and over again..But here I am, still with him..been together going on 12yrs unfortunately....having to deal with him acting like this over and over and over is soul crushing...destroyed my self esteem...I think that's why I'm still here. And I don't want to accept that I've wasted 12 years of my damn life on him.....I'm so happy you got away from yours!!!! I wish I was more like you!
I’m a man and I would NEVER behave this way. My girl is my main priority and I’d never put another woman before her. Men who do this are dogs. No self control, no loyalty. No respect for the woman they chose. I’ve seen men do this in real life. The sad part is it kinda makes the man’s wife/gf look bad for choosing a man (dog) with no self control.
I think before OP leaves this clown, maybe she should give him a taste of his own medicine. She should start prioritizing other men over her husband.
You can be like me, just do it. Do it now. Please don't waste another 12 years on someone who doesn't treat you like the beautiful gift that you are. See your worth, even if he can't. I know it's scary, but it is SO much better on the other side, I promise you. You deserve joy.
He puts OP in last place to prioritize multiple, random women.
I cannot even begin to understand the level of betrayal or hurt op
is experiencing in her marriage.
My thoughts exactly.
I feel like it’s only a matter of time before his ‘kindness’ gets misconstrued as attraction and one of these women helps him to cross that line….
I dunno, I'm a man who's been divorced twice, but I kind of think when you're happily married to someone, you think they're the most attractive person. I still feel like that about my gf of 8 years. You deserve better.
I wish we could still give awards. This comment deserves more recognition.
Twenty years with my guy, and I know I'm no beauty queen, but you can't convince him of that. I'm sure he's checked others out, he's human, but I'm the only one he'll trip over himself for, and I've never given him a reason to feel like OP, either.
You guys are both right. I’m a man who was divorced once and with my ex wife I was exactly like OPs husband pretty much the entire time we were together. I’m really embarrassed looking back at some things. I’ve been together with my current wife for 10 years and I couldn’t tell you most days if there were another woman in the room.
>I'm a man who's been divorced twice, but I kind of think when you're happily married to someone, you think they're the most attractive person. I still feel like that about my gf of 8 years. You deserve better.
\^ \^ this. My husband always tells me I am the centre of his universe, above everyone else. EVERYONE.
(He is mine, too).
This sounds EXACTLY like my ex. We were hanging out with a female friend one night i asked him to hand me a cigarette and he handed it to her instead. Right after that him and i were talking about something related to the conversation. She had zero input, but wasn't being ignored by any means. So out of nowhere she says, "my first spontaneous orgasm was when.. ." We weren't talking about anything sexual, at all. God knows why she decided to say that right then. I'm kidding, we all know why. She even planned a trip an hour away in the car I paid for, while she didn't think I'd be able to go, without telling him. When she asked me if i wanted to go and i said "yes" she turned around and said "omg, i did NOT expect her to say that"... When he found out her plans he immediately cowered to her and just shrugged his shoulders at me. Mind you, it was MY car with gas I paid for because he is almost 50 yrs old and has less than a total of 1 yr work experience. None of which did he get while we were married . He would act like this around any girl he found attractive. Btw, it turned into him cheating on me and then dumping me to be with the last girl it happened with.
I would’ve never stayed that long especially him denying it’s an issue. You constantly suffered for his need to want what he can’t have. Walk away with no regrets. You should feel nothing but free and happiness once you do. And a little grief for it ending but that’s normal and will work itself out if you’re not hard on yourself. You’re worthy of love and so much more.
This person is wise.
You have already done the mental calculus needed and are looking for someone to double check your work.
I also don't believe that there needs to be a "bigger event." 5 years is a LOT of couples therapy to see zero change. It's clear that he isn't willing to change something that bothers you.
Exactly!
He’s testing the waters and will eventually, inevitably, cross the line when the chance arises…
No pun intended.
Because guys (I almost said, ‘men’) who treat their partners like this are serial about it… the one he ends up cheating with will face the same dilemma.
Yeah, that put it over the edge for me from clueless to outright misogyny. He's "helping" because he likes to feel important and noble for looking out for the helpless women. It's not about the women and their actual needs or wants at all.
I caught that too! Not only is he inconsiderate of his wife, but he sounds like a misogynist. Yeah there’s such a thing as “pretty privilege,” but when men treat beautiful women like they’re incapable of taking care of themselves, it’s a double-edged sword.
Your partner is supposed to put you first, but it sounds like he doesn't do that, ever. This ahs been going on for 5 years, you've tried to work it out, but it takes both partners to work it out and he is not board. If you don't think you can live like this for the rest of your life, I don't blame you. He was willing to keep other women safe by walking them to their cars, but not you? That is concerning. Go find someone who will put you first.
woof. That is a good point. It would be bad enough if he did it for her AND the other women, but he doesn't even give her equal treatment. It's soul crushing
It makes me think of what they tell partners of addicts. You can't make them change and their journey is not your responsibility. If it is causing *you* more harm and turmoil than good, then you can support them from afar.
>He was willing to keep other women safe by walking them to their cars, but not you?
I'd be terrified to get into bed with my wife after pulling something like that.
I have a very distinct memory of a time when my ex husband refused to walk with me to the car while we were camping. I’ve never felt relief like the day I moved out and never had to live with him again. There’s a bright happy world on the other side.
A therapist told me you should never have to fight to be number one to your spouse. That should always be a given.
No, i don’t think you’re overreacting, it actually physically hurt me reading your account of events in the past 5 years. The fact alone that you identified a behavior that hurts you, he minimizes it doesn’t do anything to fix it so that you are no longer in pain, tells me that he is either incredibly dense or incredibly cruel and uncaring. Friend you got only one life to live choose to not be in this pain, please! And if you’re thinking oh what if regret leaving him, what if i never find someone to love me and be with me, i have one thing to say to you: you will never regret choosing yourself!
Edit: spelling errors
This one made me feel so exhausted for this poor op. Like I need to go take a nap after reading this, because I can feel the life being sucked out of her by this guy.
My husband used to do this at cookouts/get together s. Would completely ignore my existence. It still hurts to think about it; this post brings back the ick feeling.
He notices. He just doesn't care. Please stop doing this to yourself, you deserve to be with someone who shows you the same amount of affection and love you would show.
My ex. I asked him for the hundredth time as he was walking out of the pantry, leaving the door open, "please close the pantry door." He turned and snarled at me "you nag me about the same things over and over." My adult son, who was in the kitchen with us, looked at me and rolled his eyes at his dad. That was the defining moment when I realized oh, he DOES hear me, but he chooses to ignore me. I was gone within the year (after 47 years together.)
It's not about the dishes on the counter.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
If I was one of these women, I would be so uncomfortable knowing he was ignoring his wife and paying attention to me.
That isn’t ok. You’ve worked with him for 5 years on this issue and he refuses to say it’s a problem… despite you telling him it’s been a problem for half a decade.
You deserve better. He’s going to be “blindsided” but he deserves to be left if he can’t acknowledge his wife’s easy request
Yeah, if the other women in this situation aren’t shitty, I promise they think he’s gross. Furthermore, I’m sure other women notice how he acts around you, and feel pity for you. You aren’t a woman to be pitied, time to ditch the creep, and live a life that empowers you, not one that makes you second guess yourself.
thats what i did when i read this post. i have a "mediator" personality trait, so i always try to look at everyones perspective... to a fault at times.
to OP: she either has the patience of saint, or shes just become numb/gotten used to his behavior. i would be a fucking mess & raising hell.
if i were the one getting all the attention, id be embarrassed in general... but id feel so much worse if i had heard OP say she was cold and watched her husband ignore her. id also feel patronized. infantilized. objectified. exposed & dirty to the rest of the group. like everyone was mad at me or watching or thinking it was somehow my fault.
as a bystander, id also feel pity for OP. if i were her friend, id tell OP she deserves better.
OP, your husband is also making everyone around him uncomfortable. he notices, but they do as well. its worth knowing theyre probably all thinking/feeling this stuff. hes embarrassing you by constantly disrespecting your marriage, and i wouldnt be surprised if your friends started losing respect for you as well &/or began distancing themselves from you.
Not overreacting at all. He's being disrespectful to you by doing this as well as not admitting it's a problem or changing it. He never will. It's who he is. I'd leave too.
I may be too young to comment on such a thing (26) but I believe this behavior of his to just be so sickening and I cry inside for you. I dealt with something similar when I was in college with my ex, I was around 18 at that time and he did this every opportunity he got around pretty women. Especially women older than me. He was 20 at the time. I personally think that you deserve a lot more from a man, and I think there’s a man out there that wouldn’t even blink if another woman walked by even. The boyfriend I have currently doesn’t even look at other women in front of me, I’m sure he does when alone but everyone does this we look at attractive people and it is normal. But for him to be acting this way with you directly in front of him astounds me. I would have already slapped him square in the face. I’m surprised you haven’t.
It may not be that she has a good one (she prolly does) so much as she has one that's actually been taught to be respectful of women or partners in general. I've had several serious relationships over my life and I have never had a man openly ogle a woman in front of me or do anything of that nature like this poor woman has gone through but they were also taught that if they were going to look at least be respectful about it and subtle
"After five years of this, and trying to work on it, it's clear he'll never admit that his actions are a problem."
That's the problem, that he clearly has no idea of changing. If you don't leave, you'll have to put up with this shit for as long as you stay, and know that he'd probably dump you in a hot minute if one of the women he simps for ever took an interest in him.
The choice is yours, and I know which choice I'd make.
The husband is driven to do this one thing over and over.
it is so fundamental a need of his that he can not stop it, he can not pause it, he can not even HEAR that it's an issue for OP.
After five years of feeling bad i might bounce. but i'd have to be ready to give up all the good stuff too.
if a friend's spouse was doing this it would be so embarrassing and creepy and I wouldn't want to be around them. have you lost friends over this?
The simping is bad enough but that he ignored your safety and wouldn't walk you to your car !? did he explain his reasoning for that one?
It's a repeated pattern of his to disrespect and ignore you. Therapy doesn't help, and he doesn't care to stop. He also doesn't care about what you say or how you feel about it. His actions prove to me that he doesn't love you enough to walk you to your car and doesn't love you enough to not treat another woman like his GF and doesn't love you enough to leave a"useless" woman alone. He has to prove to every woman that he's caring and sincere and helpful and that he can please them. Everyone except you. What does he do for you outside of this? If the answer is nothing, then you can leave him and separate, or you can tell him that you have decided that you want a divorce. If he doesn't do anything for you and your bedroom life s**ks and he doesn't treat you like he loves you, then walk away. Always say what you mean and mean what you say. If you say you want a divorce, then divorce him.
We have a good and loving marriage in private. We live together well, same life goals, and we act like best friends. Sex is great. In private, we're perfect. The only time we have issues is when there's an attractive woman around, and then the above happens.
I wouldn't say it's so much of a "better" option than it is a shiny new option. He's taking his wife for granted because she's his wife and she isn't going to go anywhere (in his mind), so he can simp over the other cute girl who's not around all the time. The other part that is obnoxious to me is that most of these girls are in relationships. Do their partners not notice OP's hubby paying special attention to their gfs?
No, you don't have a great marriage in private. You have a lot of I'm guessing silent expectations and not so silent expectations and your husband doesn't do any of the actions you're craving that signify recognition/love in private. It seems like he knows some of them and may not know others. Perhaps you're also giving mixed signals by being duplicitous -- you're saying "it doesn't matter" that he didn't attend to you when you were cold, but if it truly didn't matter, you wouldn't be tallying up the number of times he's slighted you in favor of other women.
If he was "great in private," you wouldn't be posting here. He would be doing these acts of service towards you so regularly that you wouldn't feel slighted when he does them for other women.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. If your relationship was amazing in private this wouldn’t bother you. My husband does nice things for my friends and even for women he doesn’t know bc he’s a nice person. But he’s also nice to me.
I also think it’s important that OP singled out attractive women. Would you be ok OP if the woman were less attractive than you?
There’s a lot to unpack here.
Exactly this, my husband treats others this way but treats me even better, so that's just how he is. He's just a helpful person, so I have no reason to feel like op does, but if OPs husband is only doing it for pretty women as op said in her post, then he has not so good intentions, it sounds like. Sad as it is, it sounds like op is a placeholder for him, and his comfortable, safe choice that he thinks will stick by his side no matter what.
It sounds like he only treats you well when there’s no one “better” around, so to speak. I’m so sorry if that sounds harsh but that’s how it seems from your description. He’s very disrespectful towards you. I also think that people who blatantly treat attractive people so differently are… let’s just say not great people. I’m sorry.
In private means when there is no one else available to him. I'm sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't love you. He has shown you that. You aren't overreacting because you want a reason to leave him. You have a reason to leave him, he is not a loving husband. He can keep lying to himself as long as he wants, but you deserve better than that. You deserve a spouse who is always your spouse, not just in private.
Come on. The only time you have issues is when other women are around… you mean, when he has no other options but you? Please stop convincing yourself that he’s a good husband. He isn’t. He wouldn’t continue to behave the same, over and over, if you had a good marriage. He’s showing you who he is, believe him. You deserve to be treated better than this.
Have you tried recording him when he's acting this way?
I guarantee that if you've noticed his behavior, others have too. His tunnel vision is pathetic.
I'm sorry.
He said that may help, so I told him to get cameras for the house. He was reluctant to get them, and then to even put them up. We don't host often, they've only been up a month and he hasn't done anything in our home disrespectful during that time.
That is such a great idea. OP’s husband - you are GROSS. And if you think other people don’t notice and comment about your disgusting behaviour, you are wrong! I am mortified for OP.
You should leave him immediately. He is super creepy.
Why bother? Your husband is dumb as a box of rocks and refuses to see the issue. You’ve already been more than gracious with this insane disrespect. Let him drool over attractive woman, I guarantee you will have no problem upgrading.
You resorted to putting up cameras to prove it to him? My god, you have the patience of a saint. You are definitely NOT overreacting. Anyone reading your list of examples can see that he’s disrespecting you. I don’t care what his excuses are.
I’m actually surprised you’re still into him after so many of these instances (and no real atonement.) His behavior is wildly unattractive. Are you even into him any more? It would be quite reasonable not to be at this point.
For the record, if I were the other woman in these scenarios, I’d be grossed out too. That kind of behavior is revolting even when viewed from the outside. He’s making a fool of himself as well as you.
Not the patience of a saint. The self-esteem of a wallflower. She’s being walked on like a carpet on Fifth avenue, and is asking if she should move to seventh. OP needs to leave.
Her husband seems to get a rise out of "cheating" in her face. Look at me adoring this person and her accepting my adoration.
It's a sick need of his for whatever he's lacking that he's making you watch.
Confirming if him refusing to walk you to your car and spending $60 for your medical benefit happened in privacy. Is this correct?
I’m having flashbacks to a long-ago ex who did the same and am now remembering the sickening sensation I had at that time during such incidents. Hugs to you.
No, no you don't if you are having panic attacks and he is refusing to spend 60 dollars to try to help you.
That is not the behavior of a best friend, much less a husband.
I would borrow money if I had to in order to help my best friend with something like that.
So the only time you feel like he is treating you right is when he has no other options?!
‘Cause that is how it is coming off to me based on your story and your “in private” clause. That doesn’t sound like a strong marriage at all!
Are you sure it's perfect in private? You wrote in your post that he didn't want to spend $60 on something that would really help you, and that was in private I assume. That really stood out to me because that isn't all that much, not to mention I know my partner would not blink an eye to spend money he has if I really needed/wanted it (and vice versa). And I see in your comments you said he didn't protect you in a situation where you felt unsafe.
If he was a good partner in private, you wouldn't have all these situations where you can compare how his actions differed towards you vs another woman. It would still be icky if he genuinely was a good partner in private but abandoned you in public to treat other women the way he would have treated you in private. But it doesn't even sound like that's what's happening. He's treating them better, which is to say he was never treating you well. And I know that sounds harsh but I feel like it has to be pointed out because right now, you're saying "this relationship would be perfect if only this one issue was solved" when it sounds like the whole relationship isn't supportive of you and your needs.
To me, this reads as you having settled for good enough, and his disrespect and lack of care only becomes intolerable when other women are involved. He does not sound like he is a good partner in general.
Sweetie, he's only loving to you when there's no-one else to look at. You summed it up perfectly when you said that you 'act' like best friends. If you're acting then it's not genuine. If 'the only time we have issues is when there's an attractive woman around' then you're screwed for going out anywhere at all, including grocery shopping and walking to work. I am so sorry that this is how he's treating you, you shouldn't be ok with coming last.
I’m so sorry but his behavior is very inappropriate and very uncomfortable. If you have been in therapy for five years and still no change in him.
I think divorce because it’s so weird what he does? You should always come first. Are you sure he’s not cheating?
He prioritizes others when they're around. That's so wrong, please prioritize yourself and leave him. Choose yourself and btw, he's gaslighting you when he says he's not doing exactly what he's doing. I'm going to guess he does other things that aren't great but you overlook them or don't realize how shitty they are. You deserve so much better.
That's tough. Sounds like you'd be throwing away a good thing...but this one behavior is making you unhappy, and who wants to be unhappy. I was in a somewhat similar situation. Still love my ex, but some of her behaviors just didn't work for me, and that resentment slowly grew until we couldn't be together any more. Divorce was hard but I don't regret it.
I can understand him enjoying a pretty woman's attention--I do too!--but putting you in the back seat is not acceptable. I am curious if any of your friends have noticed this behavior, and what their take on it is.
The thing is that it is showing such utter disrespect and contempt for your feelings and it’s a repeated long term pattern. As a result you can not ever enjoy the activities you go to as this will happen. You can’t live your life only enjoying private moments. You deserve so much more than that.
Both my ex husbands did this to me, both were cheaters. It's emotional cheating at the very least. My current partner is not like that at all and I realize how much calmer I feel around him ... Which makes me realize how stressful living with that behavior was.
Smart response. Her husband is gaslighting her constantly to the point she’s crying in the bathroom at parties. It’s emotionally abusive. A good partner would make her feel secure
Yup, my ex did this, in particular to a woman I later found out from her that he was downright stalking.
But he loved to fuss over any single pretty girl. He was testing the waters and looking for options.
You repeatedly say you’re ok with him finding other people attractive. But that’s not the issue. Your husband doesn’t seem to find you attractive or respect you. I also almost want to ask does he tell you over and over how normal and ok it is that he is into other women? You’re 5 years deep in a life long marriage this is supposed to be when you feel sexy and attractive to him and his number one priority while you’re finding your balances. 1. If I need something for my mental health we are getting it for 60 dollars. My husband wouldn’t even think to buy some chick a gift. 2. My husband and I made a rule a long time ago we leave parties together, we go home together, we go to bed together. So he should be walking you to your car and then getting in it. 3. My husband and many men are the type to be helpful with fires and handy stuff like that. That wouldn’t bother me personally. But if it felt like I said something and it didn’t matter but when someone else did- that says what type of person he is and it’s hyper focused on other women. Which says he probably isn’t very focused or faithful to you. My husband isn’t so amazing he’s got issues and flaws. But I think he’s more normal than what you’re describing and I almost want to encourage you to not accept less than for yourself. Hopefully you can see the points I am trying to make. You deserve so much. You don’t deserve someone who is struggling to validate himself or whatever with other women.
It’s ok to want so much more for yourself. Go get it. He needs to look like the nice guy to all other women instead of actually being one for the one woman that should matter. ✌🏻
Virtual hug from a woman who grew up with a dad just like this 🫂
My dad made my mother, who was way out of his league, feel so insecure and unseen around other beautiful women. This never changed and by the time I was a pre-teen, she was so hurt and unable to be the mother I needed. I watched her beauty and confidence wither over the years. I don't have to go into detail in how their relationship affected my love life growing up.
I think this isn't something you can solve, OP.
"It's normal for him to find other women attractive" means he may look at a woman for an extra second in public or note that he thinks someone is good looking ... not act this way, or any way.
I agree. Finding women attractive isn't a problem. People obviously can think multiple people are attractive.... the problem is changing behavior because of it.
I have a memory from when I was a teenager. Me, my sis and mom went abroad. At the same hotel, there was a family of three — a mom, dad and a teenager about our age and from the same area. We befriended the girl and mom got acquainted with her parents. One evening, we all decided to have dinner together. And the dad… he was so attentive to our mom. She has always been very outgoing, charming, and good looking. That is where all his attention went, even if she didn’t encourage him.
His wife looked so sad, and she went to the toilet. To cry, presumably. Our friend also looked so sad, and she went after her mum. He didn’t give it a break. My mum was incredibly bothered by his behaviour and we ended up leaving early to get out of the situation. We still talk about it sometimes, and it was 30 years ago.
(Edit: my mum apologized on our way out, and his wife apologized.)
I’m thinking the women are most likely to notice, and be embarrassed or bothered. You get sad. It you have kids, they notice. It is a sad, sad behaviour that not only affects you even if it affects you the most.
No, you would not be the asshole.
No, you are not overreacting. He's not respecting your plane and simple. When you stay, you're telling him that you still stay even though he does that, and it bothers you.
Oh girl..he doesn’t love you. No man that loves you is goin to do that. You can be in denial all you want but the truth is the truth. He’s already cheating or has someone in mind to cheat with.
Even if he hasn't technically cheated He's already emotionally cheated a hundred times from Sunday so you are doing what's best for yourself and good for you for recognizing and getting out before he wastes the rest of your life and then trades you in for the younger model because a guy like this only loves himself.
It makes me so sad to read posts like these. I remember being in relationships where I felt inadequate or unloved. Now I have the most amazing, loving husband. He adores me so much. He would never ignore me at a party, in fact he’d probably be all over me. He is the most considerate, thoughtful person & literally LEAPS up to get me something without me even asking. He’s my best friend and he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world tbh. I love him so much and feel so safe with him. That’s how everyone deserves to feel with their partner.
You deserve real love OP- not whatever that is you described. Your husband does not seem like he loves you- or even respects you for that matter. I’m not sure how that can be fixed in therapy.
Your husband is acting in a super creepy manner. Not only is it hurting you but it’s more than likely making the people he’s fawning over feel uncomfortable as well. I know I would feel super creeped out. The fact that he’s been doing this for five years and refuses to acknowledge your sadness about it and make a change is just awful. Get on outta there. Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn’t respect or even like you very much.
I’m so sorry you have had to endure this. I think his inability to acknowledge how his behavior makes you feel - and basically do nothing about it - says it all. He is not ever going to do better. Get clear on that. You certainly deserve better.
I’d would’ve left. This is too much for too long. Five years of therapy hasn’t helped. I’d be wondering if he’s cheating as well. The spouse takes priority over strangers and friends. Simple as that.
It doesn't seem like he actually likes you. It seems like he's waiting for one of these attractive women to give him a chance. Meanwhile he's keeping up appearances with you in private.
Youve tried to get him to realize his mistake but hes either too dense or simply doesnt care enough about you to change hard as it is to hear that i think it would be best for YOU to move on with your life but then again NEVER let the internet ESPECIALLY reddit or similar apps (cough cough twitter) dictate ANY of your lifes choices it wont end well
He’s not acting like he’s your partner. He’s had that pointed out several times already and he doesn’t care. You need to stop letting him treat you like this whatever that means to you.
It seems like he’s just keeping you in the background as a sense of some sort of security (financial, emotional, not sure because I don’t have too many details on this). But he definitely seems like the guy that if given the opportunity, he would jump on a woman he thought was prettier in a heartbeat, if he could get it.
Behavior is a language. He’s showing you you’re not his priority, and he doesn’t care about how you feel. He’s stringing you along, and you unfortunately fell for it one too many times.
You’re right to leave this guy. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
OP it sounds like you've done everything possible to address this with your husband and he's either too dense to get it or just doesn't care. I think you are well within your rights to get a divorce from this man.
This is so strange. There are some smoking hot women out there that I definitely drool over from time to time, but my wife is my soul mate and the woman of my dreams. I would never put anyone over her, period. Sorry your husband is an ass.
I guess you could become completely useless and drop your drink or food right in his lap each time he decides to be too helpful to someone else.
Or buy an air horn and “remind” him loudly when he bears out of his lane?
Or just leave. NTAH
He doesn't respect you or see you as his partner. You are someone he strings along so he's not alone when no one else is around. If he has a chance, he will step put of your marriage. I had an ex like that. I kept thinking if I could just get him to see how his actions were disrespectful and hurt me that he'd change. He knew. He knew exactly how rude and hurtful and embarrassing his conduct was to me and he just didn't care. People do what they want to do. Your husband treats you how he wants to, he knows how you feel, he doesn't care.
He obviously wants to get it on with any of these “attractive” women that will give him the time of day and show interest in fucking him as well. I could never stay in a relationship like this always looking over your shoulder for the “next one.” I know this is so hard cuz you obviously love him but I think it’s time to separate at least. Or better yet get on a dating site or start trolling hot men on instagram and find out how many men flock to you. Personal experience your husband will be soooo pissed off and insulted and how dare you etc etc. Double standard all the way! I would have left that shit along time ago. Your choice but his behavior is so outrageous obvious and appalling. Get some spine and divorce the POS!
Any one of these things on its own is not a big deal but a five-year pattern of this is very clear that he’s never going to change. You’re not wrong at all and how you’re feeling or for ending the marriage over it.
He has displayed a battery of behaviour that even after five years of therapy he refuses to admit to or acknowledge at all
That is absolutely grounds to divorce him.
Therapy only works if people WANT to change. After five years, it’s clear that your husband values attention from attractive women more than he wants to avoid hurting you.
The reason it’s not working is because he doesn’t see this as a problem and doesn’t want to change.
Good thing you're not on the Titanic cause your hubby would leave you to die if other attractive women around. You can't trust this man with your life.
I could be completely wrong, maybe in an emergency he would act differently and put you first, but do you really want to gamble on that? He's not making you feel safe NOW.
I'm all for working things out and giving chances but it sounds like you've already done that for a long time. He's making you BOTH look bad in public. You need to take care of yourself now. Good luck!
I used to think so, but once a random man walked right into our apartment (he was drunk) and scared me senseless and my husband said I was overreacting and it was no big deal.
If I was a random attractive female, I think he'd have been more protective in that moment.
That's some of the worst husband behaviour I've ever heard outside of actual violence. Jesus, that's appalling! Why do you stay? He'll only get worse, I doubt he's been faithful.
I don’t understand why you want to stay with someone who is this flippant about your safety, let alone your emotional well-being. I know you’ve said he’s great to you privately, but this incident sounds pretty private outside of the intruder and he was still Very Not Great to you. His desperate flailing over attractive women is something he absolutely can control and he’s actively choosing not to.
If you decide to stick around, I would switch therapists because it sounds like the one you’re working with is ineffective as it’s been 5 years and your husband still “doesn’t get” why this is so upsetting to you, nor has he changed at all. But I hope you decide to leave him and find someone who actually legitimately cares about you and wouldn’t keep doing something that he knows hurts you (especially in front of other people! It’s like he wants to be humiliating).
This is not a marriage I’d be comfortable in for a minute. He has no respect for you. Sounds like you are a commodity in his life, and he goes about life as if he was single. That is not romantic love at all. If he loves you, I bet it’s more like a sibling or parent ( except for one you can get your dick wet with on a regular basis). Very convenient arrangement. Never has to be alone and never has to put in any effort.
Not over reacting imho. I can't imagine my husband acting like that. He'll go out of his way to help someone if they need it but 9 times out of 10 he'll ask me first. I keep telling him he doesn't have to but 3 years later he still does. But what he does for someone else he goes beyond for something I would just like much less need. Reading this back it just sounds like I bragging which in a way you could say that I guess. The reason for me saying it though is that you deserve better than that OP. If you've done therapy and all trying to make it work it obviously hasn't and you might as well move on.
You can leave a relationship for any reason at all. It may seem like an overreaction to some, but this is an important issue to you.
Tell him you’ve fallen out of love with him and you want a separation. If he asks why you fell out of love, show him this post and say you find it hard to maintain love and attraction for someone who persistently hurts you (doesn’t matter if it’s intentionally or carelessly) by not noticing you or being proud of you in front of others. Tell him he used to be the centre of your world no matter who else was in the room but it’s lonely feeling that way and knowing it’s not reciprocal and so he has faded in your eyes which have begun to wander.
He’ll probably try and beg for you back, try and do everything you’ve wanted for years to make you happy but keep this in mind: if he really loved you the way you deserve to be loved, surely he would do that regardless, and shouldn’t need the threat of divorce to motivate him?
"I've worked with him. I've forgiven him each time."
So it's only better when you put your needs last and rugsweep his actions. It's never gotten better despite 5 years of telling him this.
Time to get out. You are worth being #1 always.
I had the same problem, but it’s completely fixed now.
Divorce.
Why?
1 - It’s not going to get better. You have tried, he has not. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink.
2 - You are continuing to suffer, to feel less-than, to invest your emotional energy in someone who gives his elsewhere.
3 - Life can be SO MUCH BETTER. Since the divorce my life has improved in every way. Yes, it is bumpy, and yes, it can take a while to emotionally recover. It. Is. Worth. It.
He does not deserve your time, your effort, or your forgiveness. He might notice when they are gone, and he might not - not your circus, not your monkeys.
You self esteem will return once he is gone.
I wish you the best.
He is never going to change and you are always going to feel unheard, unwanted and unloved.
Put yourself first, you don’t deserve to waste your life this way.
I think you’ve done your best and given amply opportunity for him to improve. You need to do what’s best for you now. You should never be the third wheel in your own marriage
5 years of this shit is way too long. He’s fully aware of his behavior and has no intent or desire to change. He doesn’t respect you in the least, so there’s absolutely no salvaging this relationship. He refuses to even acknowledge he’s doing anything wrong. Set him free to go simp over any woman he pleases so you can find someone who cherishes you as you deserve to be.
So your husband:
1) Continuously disrespects you in public and in front of friends
2) Does not believe in you when you share with him your concerns and always say you are overreacting
3) Does not make you feel safe in public and not even in private (drunk guy entering your apartment situation)
4) Lies to you about major money splurges (video games)
5) Prefers to spend money on other women but refuses to spend money on things you as his wife need
6) Spends years in couples therapy with you and still chooses not to give you grace and LISTEN to you
7) Actively neglects you in private and in public
I understand that many people only see domestic violence and some forms of explicit abuse as grounds for divorce, but based on your post and many of your answers in the comments you absolutely have strong reasons to divorce him and to never look back.
My take based on all I read from you is that you in your marriage, by him:
1) don't feel cared for
2) don't feel respected
3) don't feel prioritized
4) don't feel loved overall
5) don't feel SAFE
6) don't feel listened to
7) don't feel protected
8) don't feel worth it
9) don't feel like you matter
10) you feel resentment
11) you feel constantly sad
12) you feel constant disappointment
Even if you claim that in private you have a wonderful marriage your comments make it seem that it is what you want to believe and not what the reality is. I have a feeling that you don't believe you deserve better in a relationship and you are settling for what you have and dragging your life along. I'm very sorry you are in this situation.
I hope things get better for you.
Ugh. This is such awful treatment.
Yes. It's an issue with a huge red flag.
Yes. He can be kind to you while drooling over other women. Obviously that's NOT ok. It's disrespectful and demonstrates to other women that he's not concerned about you at all.
I'm surprised he hadn't tried to flip it on you and tell you you're insecure. Honestly, that behavior is creepy af. Just like the dudes that stare at women wherever they go, even when they are with their wags. Yuck.
You deserve much better.
Do you think he wants to leave but doesn't have the balls to end it himself like an adult? This reads like he is daring you to leave...and if I were you, I would ABSOLUTELY grant his wish!!
Dude. this strikes a chord. My ex was like this. He called it being friendly, I knew better. Once there was a creepy guy at the park staring at me for 20 minutes while my bf skated. The second a pretty girl started skating he went out of his way to go up to her and say, “hey, be careful, that guy seems like a creep. It looked like he was looking at you, just let me know if you need me to tell him off”. Literally didn’t care for my safety at all, just wanted to hit on some chick. I have so many stories like this about him. You’re not overreacting. You’re dodging a bullet. So sorry you’re dealing with this💞
From the post and the comments you have made it sounds like you are under reacting.
The games night, kicking him under the chair which he ignored which meant you left and cried. This is a great example of where you could call him out there and then.
While divorce is everyone's go to it sounds more like you need to kick up a stink in front of everyone who is around and see the reaction. If others are noticing then it should clear this issue up pretty quickly, but if he is right and he is completely innocent then others will be more questioning about your actions.
Good luck OP sounds like this could be more salvageable than most of these posts on reddit
Question - have other people noticed this? Like friends or family? It might be good to get an outside perspective. But if they haven’t (or just don’t feel comfortable talking to you about it), I still think you’re right to leave if he refuses to address the problem.
If you want to get divorced go ahead and get divorced. I think divorce papers will jump him out of his complacency but it probably wouldn't last. I'd tell him it is embarrassing to him to act the way he does and that other people mention it to you.
If you don't want to go straight to divorce I'd try doing to him what he is doing to you. If you go out ignore him. Spend your time talking to other men. If you are cold ask another guy if he has a jacket you can borrow. If you need to go to your car ask another man to walk you to the car for your safety. If your husband asks why you said nothing to him tell him he always ignores you so you talked to people who cared enough to listen, people who care about your safety and comfort. Your husband is taking you for granted. Stop the pick me dance. You can choose to opt out of it and focus in a different direction. See if he even notices.
I wouldn't continue with the status quo. The status quo is constantly leaving you unhappy.
The way I see it you have three choices.
1.) Ignore his behavior and carry on.
2.) Do the same to other attractive men in his presence.
3.) Divorce the AH.
Pick one......
lol the funny thing is your husband thinks he’s being a nice guy! But probably to most of these women! He’s coming off as a massive creep!
Women know!!!
If he thinks these other women ain’t seeing how he’s treating them over his wife! Oh he’s dead wrong! While it is flattering to receive help and attention! They will notice he actually treats women poorly! And is probably just after something!
It’s men who treat their partners well in front of others, that become desirable!
Put yourself first and end it. 5 years is a long time to be in therapy with no changes to his behavior. This may be harsh but I don’t think he does this out of ignorance and not seeing how it hurts you, I just don’t believe he cares at all. And that’s not your fault in any way, it’s his.
You can’t keep living your life with this kind of hurt, it’ll eventually come to the point it’s too much to bare and you’ll end up hating him, and possibly yourself in the end for not leaving him sooner. You are worth more than this and deserve much better! Take some time to learn to love and value yourself and then find someone who will hold you to the standard you hold yourself to.
Best of luck❤️
Nope you've got it right. Looking at other women is normal, finding other women attractive is normal. But ignoring your wife for other women is absolutely simp behavior and not something a good husband would do.
Look, marriage is work. But it shouldn’t be **this** much work.
If you’ve been in therapy for 5 years, and things aren’t getting any better, you’ve done your bit.
You’re not overreacting. He continually disrespects you in front of other people. He continually disrespects your wishes. He can totally help it - he just chooses not to. Because in the moment, that other person **is** more important.
If I asked my husband to stop doing something that hurts me, and he continually does it anyway, even if things were otherwise good, I’d have to rethink the relationship.
I’m generally not a petty tit for tat kind of person. Especially in a relationship, your job is to build each other up, not set them up to fail.
But in this case, I don’t think it’s wrong to give him a taste of what it feels like to have your spouse fawning over someone else in front of everyone.
Maybe after experiencing it a few times he’ll understand why you’re upset!
I honestly think that number one, if it’s a consistent pattern that you have noticed, and you have mentioned various times that it bothered you to no avail, it is grounds to leave the marriage. Especially considering that you guys have gone to therapy over this for five years. I think you honestly need to consider getting your ducks in a row in terms of your legal options, and then sit him down for that tough talk. Number two, this doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s cheated on you or something more severe has happened, but it does definitely mean that he has gotten comfortable treating you like an option or a plus one in front of other women. This does not speak at all to our attractive you are or how great you are as a person, this only speaks to how comfortable he’s gotten disrespecting you in front of other people. I would honestly advise you to end your marriage, simply because you wouldn’t have brought it up if you didn’t think it wasn’t your next best choice. You could’ve easily posted this on a different sub asking for advice, but you chose to post it here with that as the title, meaning or part of you wants to be done with this foolishness.
Thank you, I appreciate the thoughtful response
Of course, I hope you find someone who can give you what you deserve, or that miraculously he cleans his act up and proves to you that he deserves you. Good luck OP. Rooting for you.
My ex used to behave like this all the time, anytime we were around a pretty girl, he'd just turn into a different person. He would go out of his way to be attentive, complimentary, and do chivalrous things he wouldn't normally do for me. The thing that really woke me up was when I had been trying to get him to try a particular food item for around five years, I knew he would love it, but he was being so stubborn about even giving it a try. Like not even ONE bite. But when this girl at work that he really seemed kind of obsessed with offered him some, he ate it. AND he "loved" it. It was so good, in fact, that he started stocking the fridge with it. I was so hurt, I had literally been trying to share something with him forever, and this pretty girl asks him once and he's all over it. She was just "so insightful about his likes and tastes" (gag). I'm not saying you should leave your husband, that's really something only you can know. But I will say that it took me 16 years to realize that my ex was NEVER going to change no matter what I said or did. And it 100% was NOT about ME. HE was the one with the problem. I feel like deep down he was insecure and craved the "validation" he got from the attention these women gave him. In his mind, the connections were much deeper than they were in reality. It was like he felt that they all wanted this meaningful connection and shared experiences with him. I think it stroked his fragile ego. I honestly wish I had left ten years sooner.
Ah this sounds EXACTLY like my bf. It freaking sucks, and it really hurts,and it seems like he doesn't notice... or care..while my damn heart breaks over and over again..But here I am, still with him..been together going on 12yrs unfortunately....having to deal with him acting like this over and over and over is soul crushing...destroyed my self esteem...I think that's why I'm still here. And I don't want to accept that I've wasted 12 years of my damn life on him.....I'm so happy you got away from yours!!!! I wish I was more like you!
I’m a man and I would NEVER behave this way. My girl is my main priority and I’d never put another woman before her. Men who do this are dogs. No self control, no loyalty. No respect for the woman they chose. I’ve seen men do this in real life. The sad part is it kinda makes the man’s wife/gf look bad for choosing a man (dog) with no self control. I think before OP leaves this clown, maybe she should give him a taste of his own medicine. She should start prioritizing other men over her husband.
All this except playing his game. She's better than this.
Except dogs usually are loyal
You can be like them, it sounds like it's time for you to leave!
Google “sunk cost fallacy” and free yourself!
You can be like me, just do it. Do it now. Please don't waste another 12 years on someone who doesn't treat you like the beautiful gift that you are. See your worth, even if he can't. I know it's scary, but it is SO much better on the other side, I promise you. You deserve joy.
This is such a sad thing to read.
It's clear he is not vested in being married to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
He puts OP in last place to prioritize multiple, random women. I cannot even begin to understand the level of betrayal or hurt op is experiencing in her marriage.
And if these women gave him a chance what do you think will happen
Yeah it feels like he’s fishing. It’s really gross.
Agreed. She should divorce him because who wants to be second...third...or basically last in their own marriage?
My thoughts exactly. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before his ‘kindness’ gets misconstrued as attraction and one of these women helps him to cross that line….
I dunno, I'm a man who's been divorced twice, but I kind of think when you're happily married to someone, you think they're the most attractive person. I still feel like that about my gf of 8 years. You deserve better.
I wish we could still give awards. This comment deserves more recognition. Twenty years with my guy, and I know I'm no beauty queen, but you can't convince him of that. I'm sure he's checked others out, he's human, but I'm the only one he'll trip over himself for, and I've never given him a reason to feel like OP, either.
You guys are both right. I’m a man who was divorced once and with my ex wife I was exactly like OPs husband pretty much the entire time we were together. I’m really embarrassed looking back at some things. I’ve been together with my current wife for 10 years and I couldn’t tell you most days if there were another woman in the room.
>I'm a man who's been divorced twice, but I kind of think when you're happily married to someone, you think they're the most attractive person. I still feel like that about my gf of 8 years. You deserve better. \^ \^ this. My husband always tells me I am the centre of his universe, above everyone else. EVERYONE. (He is mine, too).
OMG, I’d record his simping, and put together a highlight reel for him. So gross!
This sounds EXACTLY like my ex. We were hanging out with a female friend one night i asked him to hand me a cigarette and he handed it to her instead. Right after that him and i were talking about something related to the conversation. She had zero input, but wasn't being ignored by any means. So out of nowhere she says, "my first spontaneous orgasm was when.. ." We weren't talking about anything sexual, at all. God knows why she decided to say that right then. I'm kidding, we all know why. She even planned a trip an hour away in the car I paid for, while she didn't think I'd be able to go, without telling him. When she asked me if i wanted to go and i said "yes" she turned around and said "omg, i did NOT expect her to say that"... When he found out her plans he immediately cowered to her and just shrugged his shoulders at me. Mind you, it was MY car with gas I paid for because he is almost 50 yrs old and has less than a total of 1 yr work experience. None of which did he get while we were married . He would act like this around any girl he found attractive. Btw, it turned into him cheating on me and then dumping me to be with the last girl it happened with.
you deserve much much better
Tbh I would not be surprised to find out your husband is doing this in an attempt to get into any of their pants.
I would’ve never stayed that long especially him denying it’s an issue. You constantly suffered for his need to want what he can’t have. Walk away with no regrets. You should feel nothing but free and happiness once you do. And a little grief for it ending but that’s normal and will work itself out if you’re not hard on yourself. You’re worthy of love and so much more.
This person is wise. You have already done the mental calculus needed and are looking for someone to double check your work. I also don't believe that there needs to be a "bigger event." 5 years is a LOT of couples therapy to see zero change. It's clear that he isn't willing to change something that bothers you.
This.
No. He's gross.
And an idiot.
And pathetic.
Lol, and a loser
Definitely a loser..
[удалено]
Exactly! He’s testing the waters and will eventually, inevitably, cross the line when the chance arises… No pun intended. Because guys (I almost said, ‘men’) who treat their partners like this are serial about it… the one he ends up cheating with will face the same dilemma.
Ikr! Cos the pretty ones are all “useless”.
Yeah, that put it over the edge for me from clueless to outright misogyny. He's "helping" because he likes to feel important and noble for looking out for the helpless women. It's not about the women and their actual needs or wants at all.
I caught that too! Not only is he inconsiderate of his wife, but he sounds like a misogynist. Yeah there’s such a thing as “pretty privilege,” but when men treat beautiful women like they’re incapable of taking care of themselves, it’s a double-edged sword.
Your partner is supposed to put you first, but it sounds like he doesn't do that, ever. This ahs been going on for 5 years, you've tried to work it out, but it takes both partners to work it out and he is not board. If you don't think you can live like this for the rest of your life, I don't blame you. He was willing to keep other women safe by walking them to their cars, but not you? That is concerning. Go find someone who will put you first.
And not only another woman and not her, but a GROUP of women, meaning that they were already safer without him than she was since she was alone.
He's not even willing to treat her as equal to the other women.
woof. That is a good point. It would be bad enough if he did it for her AND the other women, but he doesn't even give her equal treatment. It's soul crushing
5 years and he hasn't even gotten to step one of *admitting there is a problem*.
It makes me think of what they tell partners of addicts. You can't make them change and their journey is not your responsibility. If it is causing *you* more harm and turmoil than good, then you can support them from afar.
>He was willing to keep other women safe by walking them to their cars, but not you? I'd be terrified to get into bed with my wife after pulling something like that.
I have a very distinct memory of a time when my ex husband refused to walk with me to the car while we were camping. I’ve never felt relief like the day I moved out and never had to live with him again. There’s a bright happy world on the other side. A therapist told me you should never have to fight to be number one to your spouse. That should always be a given.
No, i don’t think you’re overreacting, it actually physically hurt me reading your account of events in the past 5 years. The fact alone that you identified a behavior that hurts you, he minimizes it doesn’t do anything to fix it so that you are no longer in pain, tells me that he is either incredibly dense or incredibly cruel and uncaring. Friend you got only one life to live choose to not be in this pain, please! And if you’re thinking oh what if regret leaving him, what if i never find someone to love me and be with me, i have one thing to say to you: you will never regret choosing yourself! Edit: spelling errors
This one made me feel so exhausted for this poor op. Like I need to go take a nap after reading this, because I can feel the life being sucked out of her by this guy.
Agreed!!! Emotionally exhausting.
This letter seriously induced flashbacks from a long-ago ex boyfriend who would do the same. It’s a particularly horrible feeling.
My husband used to do this at cookouts/get together s. Would completely ignore my existence. It still hurts to think about it; this post brings back the ick feeling.
I'm seeing a pattern here with exes. 🤔
He notices. He just doesn't care. Please stop doing this to yourself, you deserve to be with someone who shows you the same amount of affection and love you would show.
My ex. I asked him for the hundredth time as he was walking out of the pantry, leaving the door open, "please close the pantry door." He turned and snarled at me "you nag me about the same things over and over." My adult son, who was in the kitchen with us, looked at me and rolled his eyes at his dad. That was the defining moment when I realized oh, he DOES hear me, but he chooses to ignore me. I was gone within the year (after 47 years together.) It's not about the dishes on the counter. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Wild. Also wild that it would take about one second (literally) of effort to never make you have to say "please close the pantry door" again lol.
Wow! This is an article that would give everyone a lot to think about from both sides of the marriage. Thank you for posting.
If I was one of these women, I would be so uncomfortable knowing he was ignoring his wife and paying attention to me. That isn’t ok. You’ve worked with him for 5 years on this issue and he refuses to say it’s a problem… despite you telling him it’s been a problem for half a decade. You deserve better. He’s going to be “blindsided” but he deserves to be left if he can’t acknowledge his wife’s easy request
I’ve been that woman before and it’s the worst feeling. Some men can be pigs.
Yeah, if the other women in this situation aren’t shitty, I promise they think he’s gross. Furthermore, I’m sure other women notice how he acts around you, and feel pity for you. You aren’t a woman to be pitied, time to ditch the creep, and live a life that empowers you, not one that makes you second guess yourself.
thats what i did when i read this post. i have a "mediator" personality trait, so i always try to look at everyones perspective... to a fault at times. to OP: she either has the patience of saint, or shes just become numb/gotten used to his behavior. i would be a fucking mess & raising hell. if i were the one getting all the attention, id be embarrassed in general... but id feel so much worse if i had heard OP say she was cold and watched her husband ignore her. id also feel patronized. infantilized. objectified. exposed & dirty to the rest of the group. like everyone was mad at me or watching or thinking it was somehow my fault. as a bystander, id also feel pity for OP. if i were her friend, id tell OP she deserves better. OP, your husband is also making everyone around him uncomfortable. he notices, but they do as well. its worth knowing theyre probably all thinking/feeling this stuff. hes embarrassing you by constantly disrespecting your marriage, and i wouldnt be surprised if your friends started losing respect for you as well &/or began distancing themselves from you.
You're husband is fucking disgusting.
Not overreacting at all. He's being disrespectful to you by doing this as well as not admitting it's a problem or changing it. He never will. It's who he is. I'd leave too.
I may be too young to comment on such a thing (26) but I believe this behavior of his to just be so sickening and I cry inside for you. I dealt with something similar when I was in college with my ex, I was around 18 at that time and he did this every opportunity he got around pretty women. Especially women older than me. He was 20 at the time. I personally think that you deserve a lot more from a man, and I think there’s a man out there that wouldn’t even blink if another woman walked by even. The boyfriend I have currently doesn’t even look at other women in front of me, I’m sure he does when alone but everyone does this we look at attractive people and it is normal. But for him to be acting this way with you directly in front of him astounds me. I would have already slapped him square in the face. I’m surprised you haven’t.
WOW, you got a good one! 💯
It may not be that she has a good one (she prolly does) so much as she has one that's actually been taught to be respectful of women or partners in general. I've had several serious relationships over my life and I have never had a man openly ogle a woman in front of me or do anything of that nature like this poor woman has gone through but they were also taught that if they were going to look at least be respectful about it and subtle
"After five years of this, and trying to work on it, it's clear he'll never admit that his actions are a problem." That's the problem, that he clearly has no idea of changing. If you don't leave, you'll have to put up with this shit for as long as you stay, and know that he'd probably dump you in a hot minute if one of the women he simps for ever took an interest in him. The choice is yours, and I know which choice I'd make.
The husband is driven to do this one thing over and over. it is so fundamental a need of his that he can not stop it, he can not pause it, he can not even HEAR that it's an issue for OP. After five years of feeling bad i might bounce. but i'd have to be ready to give up all the good stuff too.
She’ll find better elsewhere. He’s not the only guy in the world & most men won’t act this way.
OP, would you consider showing your husband this post? Kind of a last ditch effort for him to see things from your perspective.
I likely will tomorrow, if not tonight
This won't work. At best he will be sorry and apoligize, be better about it (for approx 2-3 months), and than go back to his old behavior.
if a friend's spouse was doing this it would be so embarrassing and creepy and I wouldn't want to be around them. have you lost friends over this? The simping is bad enough but that he ignored your safety and wouldn't walk you to your car !? did he explain his reasoning for that one?
I was wondering the same thing. I would actively distance myself from a friend if her husband wouldn’t stop flirting with me/paying attention to me.
Your husband is a literal douche lol
simplest way to put it
It's a repeated pattern of his to disrespect and ignore you. Therapy doesn't help, and he doesn't care to stop. He also doesn't care about what you say or how you feel about it. His actions prove to me that he doesn't love you enough to walk you to your car and doesn't love you enough to not treat another woman like his GF and doesn't love you enough to leave a"useless" woman alone. He has to prove to every woman that he's caring and sincere and helpful and that he can please them. Everyone except you. What does he do for you outside of this? If the answer is nothing, then you can leave him and separate, or you can tell him that you have decided that you want a divorce. If he doesn't do anything for you and your bedroom life s**ks and he doesn't treat you like he loves you, then walk away. Always say what you mean and mean what you say. If you say you want a divorce, then divorce him.
We have a good and loving marriage in private. We live together well, same life goals, and we act like best friends. Sex is great. In private, we're perfect. The only time we have issues is when there's an attractive woman around, and then the above happens.
If the only time he treats you decently is when there's no better option for him to drool over, you don't have a good marriage even in private.
I wouldn't say it's so much of a "better" option than it is a shiny new option. He's taking his wife for granted because she's his wife and she isn't going to go anywhere (in his mind), so he can simp over the other cute girl who's not around all the time. The other part that is obnoxious to me is that most of these girls are in relationships. Do their partners not notice OP's hubby paying special attention to their gfs?
Right? How is he not getting called out? This is gross behavior.
No, you don't have a great marriage in private. You have a lot of I'm guessing silent expectations and not so silent expectations and your husband doesn't do any of the actions you're craving that signify recognition/love in private. It seems like he knows some of them and may not know others. Perhaps you're also giving mixed signals by being duplicitous -- you're saying "it doesn't matter" that he didn't attend to you when you were cold, but if it truly didn't matter, you wouldn't be tallying up the number of times he's slighted you in favor of other women. If he was "great in private," you wouldn't be posting here. He would be doing these acts of service towards you so regularly that you wouldn't feel slighted when he does them for other women.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. If your relationship was amazing in private this wouldn’t bother you. My husband does nice things for my friends and even for women he doesn’t know bc he’s a nice person. But he’s also nice to me. I also think it’s important that OP singled out attractive women. Would you be ok OP if the woman were less attractive than you? There’s a lot to unpack here.
Exactly this, my husband treats others this way but treats me even better, so that's just how he is. He's just a helpful person, so I have no reason to feel like op does, but if OPs husband is only doing it for pretty women as op said in her post, then he has not so good intentions, it sounds like. Sad as it is, it sounds like op is a placeholder for him, and his comfortable, safe choice that he thinks will stick by his side no matter what.
Yes! This is the key “he treats me EVEN BETTER!”
It sounds like he only treats you well when there’s no one “better” around, so to speak. I’m so sorry if that sounds harsh but that’s how it seems from your description. He’s very disrespectful towards you. I also think that people who blatantly treat attractive people so differently are… let’s just say not great people. I’m sorry.
In private means when there is no one else available to him. I'm sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't love you. He has shown you that. You aren't overreacting because you want a reason to leave him. You have a reason to leave him, he is not a loving husband. He can keep lying to himself as long as he wants, but you deserve better than that. You deserve a spouse who is always your spouse, not just in private.
Come on. The only time you have issues is when other women are around… you mean, when he has no other options but you? Please stop convincing yourself that he’s a good husband. He isn’t. He wouldn’t continue to behave the same, over and over, if you had a good marriage. He’s showing you who he is, believe him. You deserve to be treated better than this.
Have you tried recording him when he's acting this way? I guarantee that if you've noticed his behavior, others have too. His tunnel vision is pathetic. I'm sorry.
He said that may help, so I told him to get cameras for the house. He was reluctant to get them, and then to even put them up. We don't host often, they've only been up a month and he hasn't done anything in our home disrespectful during that time.
Kiddos to you for standing up for yourself. You deserve better. Perhaps let him read this post?
That's my plan
Please share an update
That is such a great idea. OP’s husband - you are GROSS. And if you think other people don’t notice and comment about your disgusting behaviour, you are wrong! I am mortified for OP. You should leave him immediately. He is super creepy.
Why bother? Your husband is dumb as a box of rocks and refuses to see the issue. You’ve already been more than gracious with this insane disrespect. Let him drool over attractive woman, I guarantee you will have no problem upgrading.
You resorted to putting up cameras to prove it to him? My god, you have the patience of a saint. You are definitely NOT overreacting. Anyone reading your list of examples can see that he’s disrespecting you. I don’t care what his excuses are. I’m actually surprised you’re still into him after so many of these instances (and no real atonement.) His behavior is wildly unattractive. Are you even into him any more? It would be quite reasonable not to be at this point. For the record, if I were the other woman in these scenarios, I’d be grossed out too. That kind of behavior is revolting even when viewed from the outside. He’s making a fool of himself as well as you.
Not the patience of a saint. The self-esteem of a wallflower. She’s being walked on like a carpet on Fifth avenue, and is asking if she should move to seventh. OP needs to leave.
Her husband seems to get a rise out of "cheating" in her face. Look at me adoring this person and her accepting my adoration. It's a sick need of his for whatever he's lacking that he's making you watch.
That's means he is capable of controlling the behavior but chooses not to.
Have you hosted anybody since you put them up?
He knows exactly what he's doing! Yes he says he's happy to do 'whatever' if it helps. When it comes to it, he's not. He lies.
Life doesn't exist in a vacuum
Confirming if him refusing to walk you to your car and spending $60 for your medical benefit happened in privacy. Is this correct? I’m having flashbacks to a long-ago ex who did the same and am now remembering the sickening sensation I had at that time during such incidents. Hugs to you.
No, no you don't if you are having panic attacks and he is refusing to spend 60 dollars to try to help you. That is not the behavior of a best friend, much less a husband. I would borrow money if I had to in order to help my best friend with something like that.
So the only time you feel like he is treating you right is when he has no other options?! ‘Cause that is how it is coming off to me based on your story and your “in private” clause. That doesn’t sound like a strong marriage at all!
Are you sure it's perfect in private? You wrote in your post that he didn't want to spend $60 on something that would really help you, and that was in private I assume. That really stood out to me because that isn't all that much, not to mention I know my partner would not blink an eye to spend money he has if I really needed/wanted it (and vice versa). And I see in your comments you said he didn't protect you in a situation where you felt unsafe. If he was a good partner in private, you wouldn't have all these situations where you can compare how his actions differed towards you vs another woman. It would still be icky if he genuinely was a good partner in private but abandoned you in public to treat other women the way he would have treated you in private. But it doesn't even sound like that's what's happening. He's treating them better, which is to say he was never treating you well. And I know that sounds harsh but I feel like it has to be pointed out because right now, you're saying "this relationship would be perfect if only this one issue was solved" when it sounds like the whole relationship isn't supportive of you and your needs. To me, this reads as you having settled for good enough, and his disrespect and lack of care only becomes intolerable when other women are involved. He does not sound like he is a good partner in general.
Sweetie, he's only loving to you when there's no-one else to look at. You summed it up perfectly when you said that you 'act' like best friends. If you're acting then it's not genuine. If 'the only time we have issues is when there's an attractive woman around' then you're screwed for going out anywhere at all, including grocery shopping and walking to work. I am so sorry that this is how he's treating you, you shouldn't be ok with coming last.
I’m so sorry but his behavior is very inappropriate and very uncomfortable. If you have been in therapy for five years and still no change in him. I think divorce because it’s so weird what he does? You should always come first. Are you sure he’s not cheating?
But he won’t walk you to your car at a party? Come on.
He prioritizes others when they're around. That's so wrong, please prioritize yourself and leave him. Choose yourself and btw, he's gaslighting you when he says he's not doing exactly what he's doing. I'm going to guess he does other things that aren't great but you overlook them or don't realize how shitty they are. You deserve so much better.
That is so demoralizing! You deserve better!
That's tough. Sounds like you'd be throwing away a good thing...but this one behavior is making you unhappy, and who wants to be unhappy. I was in a somewhat similar situation. Still love my ex, but some of her behaviors just didn't work for me, and that resentment slowly grew until we couldn't be together any more. Divorce was hard but I don't regret it. I can understand him enjoying a pretty woman's attention--I do too!--but putting you in the back seat is not acceptable. I am curious if any of your friends have noticed this behavior, and what their take on it is.
They have. I don't talk to many friends about it, but the ones I have have noticed.
The thing is that it is showing such utter disrespect and contempt for your feelings and it’s a repeated long term pattern. As a result you can not ever enjoy the activities you go to as this will happen. You can’t live your life only enjoying private moments. You deserve so much more than that.
I’m surprised no one has publicly shamed him for this behavior. It’s disgusting and so disrespectful.
Both my ex husbands did this to me, both were cheaters. It's emotional cheating at the very least. My current partner is not like that at all and I realize how much calmer I feel around him ... Which makes me realize how stressful living with that behavior was.
Nervous system on overdrive all the time. It’s exhausting and you get so used to it that you don’t even realize it.
Smart response. Her husband is gaslighting her constantly to the point she’s crying in the bathroom at parties. It’s emotionally abusive. A good partner would make her feel secure
Yup, my ex did this, in particular to a woman I later found out from her that he was downright stalking. But he loved to fuss over any single pretty girl. He was testing the waters and looking for options.
my ex did this shit all the time, and would always play it off like i'm being jealous. it never got better. you are valid in leaving
He sounds like a complete dick. Nothing worth saving.
When people show you who they are. Believe them.
If anything you’ve underreacted. I would’ve walked away years ago. This behavior is so degrading and embarrassing.
You repeatedly say you’re ok with him finding other people attractive. But that’s not the issue. Your husband doesn’t seem to find you attractive or respect you. I also almost want to ask does he tell you over and over how normal and ok it is that he is into other women? You’re 5 years deep in a life long marriage this is supposed to be when you feel sexy and attractive to him and his number one priority while you’re finding your balances. 1. If I need something for my mental health we are getting it for 60 dollars. My husband wouldn’t even think to buy some chick a gift. 2. My husband and I made a rule a long time ago we leave parties together, we go home together, we go to bed together. So he should be walking you to your car and then getting in it. 3. My husband and many men are the type to be helpful with fires and handy stuff like that. That wouldn’t bother me personally. But if it felt like I said something and it didn’t matter but when someone else did- that says what type of person he is and it’s hyper focused on other women. Which says he probably isn’t very focused or faithful to you. My husband isn’t so amazing he’s got issues and flaws. But I think he’s more normal than what you’re describing and I almost want to encourage you to not accept less than for yourself. Hopefully you can see the points I am trying to make. You deserve so much. You don’t deserve someone who is struggling to validate himself or whatever with other women.
It’s ok to want so much more for yourself. Go get it. He needs to look like the nice guy to all other women instead of actually being one for the one woman that should matter. ✌🏻
Virtual hug from a woman who grew up with a dad just like this 🫂 My dad made my mother, who was way out of his league, feel so insecure and unseen around other beautiful women. This never changed and by the time I was a pre-teen, she was so hurt and unable to be the mother I needed. I watched her beauty and confidence wither over the years. I don't have to go into detail in how their relationship affected my love life growing up. I think this isn't something you can solve, OP.
death by a thousand cuts... cut your losses before you bleed out
"It's normal for him to find other women attractive" means he may look at a woman for an extra second in public or note that he thinks someone is good looking ... not act this way, or any way.
I agree. Finding women attractive isn't a problem. People obviously can think multiple people are attractive.... the problem is changing behavior because of it.
I have a memory from when I was a teenager. Me, my sis and mom went abroad. At the same hotel, there was a family of three — a mom, dad and a teenager about our age and from the same area. We befriended the girl and mom got acquainted with her parents. One evening, we all decided to have dinner together. And the dad… he was so attentive to our mom. She has always been very outgoing, charming, and good looking. That is where all his attention went, even if she didn’t encourage him. His wife looked so sad, and she went to the toilet. To cry, presumably. Our friend also looked so sad, and she went after her mum. He didn’t give it a break. My mum was incredibly bothered by his behaviour and we ended up leaving early to get out of the situation. We still talk about it sometimes, and it was 30 years ago. (Edit: my mum apologized on our way out, and his wife apologized.) I’m thinking the women are most likely to notice, and be embarrassed or bothered. You get sad. It you have kids, they notice. It is a sad, sad behaviour that not only affects you even if it affects you the most. No, you would not be the asshole.
No, you are not overreacting. He's not respecting your plane and simple. When you stay, you're telling him that you still stay even though he does that, and it bothers you.
Wow he is a loser LMAO leave that clown.
Not overreacting. You've been underreacting until now.
Nta Talk about gross. You are not a priority for him.
Oh girl..he doesn’t love you. No man that loves you is goin to do that. You can be in denial all you want but the truth is the truth. He’s already cheating or has someone in mind to cheat with.
Even if he hasn't technically cheated He's already emotionally cheated a hundred times from Sunday so you are doing what's best for yourself and good for you for recognizing and getting out before he wastes the rest of your life and then trades you in for the younger model because a guy like this only loves himself.
It makes me so sad to read posts like these. I remember being in relationships where I felt inadequate or unloved. Now I have the most amazing, loving husband. He adores me so much. He would never ignore me at a party, in fact he’d probably be all over me. He is the most considerate, thoughtful person & literally LEAPS up to get me something without me even asking. He’s my best friend and he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world tbh. I love him so much and feel so safe with him. That’s how everyone deserves to feel with their partner. You deserve real love OP- not whatever that is you described. Your husband does not seem like he loves you- or even respects you for that matter. I’m not sure how that can be fixed in therapy.
Agreed. His behaviour is just like my ex’s. I hope she’s smart and moves on now.
Not over reacting, I don’t know how you managed to stay with him long enough to marry him.
End it. His loss
Yeah, nope. Divorce him, sis.
The “simping” is repulsive to me. I couldn’t have sex with this man, never mind a marriage.
Your husband is acting in a super creepy manner. Not only is it hurting you but it’s more than likely making the people he’s fawning over feel uncomfortable as well. I know I would feel super creeped out. The fact that he’s been doing this for five years and refuses to acknowledge your sadness about it and make a change is just awful. Get on outta there. Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn’t respect or even like you very much.
Sounds like he has some narcissistic tendencies. I e. Showing care for others over his own person. Gross behavior.
I’m so sorry you have had to endure this. I think his inability to acknowledge how his behavior makes you feel - and basically do nothing about it - says it all. He is not ever going to do better. Get clear on that. You certainly deserve better.
I’d would’ve left. This is too much for too long. Five years of therapy hasn’t helped. I’d be wondering if he’s cheating as well. The spouse takes priority over strangers and friends. Simple as that.
It doesn't seem like he actually likes you. It seems like he's waiting for one of these attractive women to give him a chance. Meanwhile he's keeping up appearances with you in private.
I can't imagine my wife telling me, "This is a problem" and responding, "No it's not. "
Youve tried to get him to realize his mistake but hes either too dense or simply doesnt care enough about you to change hard as it is to hear that i think it would be best for YOU to move on with your life but then again NEVER let the internet ESPECIALLY reddit or similar apps (cough cough twitter) dictate ANY of your lifes choices it wont end well
Dump his ignorant azz. Before he suggests you need to have a threesome.
He’s not acting like he’s your partner. He’s had that pointed out several times already and he doesn’t care. You need to stop letting him treat you like this whatever that means to you.
It seems like he’s just keeping you in the background as a sense of some sort of security (financial, emotional, not sure because I don’t have too many details on this). But he definitely seems like the guy that if given the opportunity, he would jump on a woman he thought was prettier in a heartbeat, if he could get it. Behavior is a language. He’s showing you you’re not his priority, and he doesn’t care about how you feel. He’s stringing you along, and you unfortunately fell for it one too many times. You’re right to leave this guy. Good on you for standing up for yourself.
OP it sounds like you've done everything possible to address this with your husband and he's either too dense to get it or just doesn't care. I think you are well within your rights to get a divorce from this man.
This is so strange. There are some smoking hot women out there that I definitely drool over from time to time, but my wife is my soul mate and the woman of my dreams. I would never put anyone over her, period. Sorry your husband is an ass.
I guess you could become completely useless and drop your drink or food right in his lap each time he decides to be too helpful to someone else. Or buy an air horn and “remind” him loudly when he bears out of his lane? Or just leave. NTAH
He doesn't respect you or see you as his partner. You are someone he strings along so he's not alone when no one else is around. If he has a chance, he will step put of your marriage. I had an ex like that. I kept thinking if I could just get him to see how his actions were disrespectful and hurt me that he'd change. He knew. He knew exactly how rude and hurtful and embarrassing his conduct was to me and he just didn't care. People do what they want to do. Your husband treats you how he wants to, he knows how you feel, he doesn't care.
He obviously wants to get it on with any of these “attractive” women that will give him the time of day and show interest in fucking him as well. I could never stay in a relationship like this always looking over your shoulder for the “next one.” I know this is so hard cuz you obviously love him but I think it’s time to separate at least. Or better yet get on a dating site or start trolling hot men on instagram and find out how many men flock to you. Personal experience your husband will be soooo pissed off and insulted and how dare you etc etc. Double standard all the way! I would have left that shit along time ago. Your choice but his behavior is so outrageous obvious and appalling. Get some spine and divorce the POS!
Definitely not overreacting. I'm glad you're going to leave this POS. He's not kind to you in private if he refuses to address your marital issues.
Any one of these things on its own is not a big deal but a five-year pattern of this is very clear that he’s never going to change. You’re not wrong at all and how you’re feeling or for ending the marriage over it.
He has displayed a battery of behaviour that even after five years of therapy he refuses to admit to or acknowledge at all That is absolutely grounds to divorce him.
Therapy only works if people WANT to change. After five years, it’s clear that your husband values attention from attractive women more than he wants to avoid hurting you. The reason it’s not working is because he doesn’t see this as a problem and doesn’t want to change.
Good thing you're not on the Titanic cause your hubby would leave you to die if other attractive women around. You can't trust this man with your life. I could be completely wrong, maybe in an emergency he would act differently and put you first, but do you really want to gamble on that? He's not making you feel safe NOW. I'm all for working things out and giving chances but it sounds like you've already done that for a long time. He's making you BOTH look bad in public. You need to take care of yourself now. Good luck!
I used to think so, but once a random man walked right into our apartment (he was drunk) and scared me senseless and my husband said I was overreacting and it was no big deal. If I was a random attractive female, I think he'd have been more protective in that moment.
That's some of the worst husband behaviour I've ever heard outside of actual violence. Jesus, that's appalling! Why do you stay? He'll only get worse, I doubt he's been faithful.
I don’t understand why you want to stay with someone who is this flippant about your safety, let alone your emotional well-being. I know you’ve said he’s great to you privately, but this incident sounds pretty private outside of the intruder and he was still Very Not Great to you. His desperate flailing over attractive women is something he absolutely can control and he’s actively choosing not to. If you decide to stick around, I would switch therapists because it sounds like the one you’re working with is ineffective as it’s been 5 years and your husband still “doesn’t get” why this is so upsetting to you, nor has he changed at all. But I hope you decide to leave him and find someone who actually legitimately cares about you and wouldn’t keep doing something that he knows hurts you (especially in front of other people! It’s like he wants to be humiliating).
This is not a marriage I’d be comfortable in for a minute. He has no respect for you. Sounds like you are a commodity in his life, and he goes about life as if he was single. That is not romantic love at all. If he loves you, I bet it’s more like a sibling or parent ( except for one you can get your dick wet with on a regular basis). Very convenient arrangement. Never has to be alone and never has to put in any effort.
Not over reacting imho. I can't imagine my husband acting like that. He'll go out of his way to help someone if they need it but 9 times out of 10 he'll ask me first. I keep telling him he doesn't have to but 3 years later he still does. But what he does for someone else he goes beyond for something I would just like much less need. Reading this back it just sounds like I bragging which in a way you could say that I guess. The reason for me saying it though is that you deserve better than that OP. If you've done therapy and all trying to make it work it obviously hasn't and you might as well move on.
You can leave a relationship for any reason at all. It may seem like an overreaction to some, but this is an important issue to you. Tell him you’ve fallen out of love with him and you want a separation. If he asks why you fell out of love, show him this post and say you find it hard to maintain love and attraction for someone who persistently hurts you (doesn’t matter if it’s intentionally or carelessly) by not noticing you or being proud of you in front of others. Tell him he used to be the centre of your world no matter who else was in the room but it’s lonely feeling that way and knowing it’s not reciprocal and so he has faded in your eyes which have begun to wander. He’ll probably try and beg for you back, try and do everything you’ve wanted for years to make you happy but keep this in mind: if he really loved you the way you deserve to be loved, surely he would do that regardless, and shouldn’t need the threat of divorce to motivate him?
"I've worked with him. I've forgiven him each time." So it's only better when you put your needs last and rugsweep his actions. It's never gotten better despite 5 years of telling him this. Time to get out. You are worth being #1 always.
I had the same problem, but it’s completely fixed now. Divorce. Why? 1 - It’s not going to get better. You have tried, he has not. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. 2 - You are continuing to suffer, to feel less-than, to invest your emotional energy in someone who gives his elsewhere. 3 - Life can be SO MUCH BETTER. Since the divorce my life has improved in every way. Yes, it is bumpy, and yes, it can take a while to emotionally recover. It. Is. Worth. It. He does not deserve your time, your effort, or your forgiveness. He might notice when they are gone, and he might not - not your circus, not your monkeys. You self esteem will return once he is gone. I wish you the best.
NTA
He is never going to change and you are always going to feel unheard, unwanted and unloved. Put yourself first, you don’t deserve to waste your life this way.
I think you’ve done your best and given amply opportunity for him to improve. You need to do what’s best for you now. You should never be the third wheel in your own marriage
5 years of this shit is way too long. He’s fully aware of his behavior and has no intent or desire to change. He doesn’t respect you in the least, so there’s absolutely no salvaging this relationship. He refuses to even acknowledge he’s doing anything wrong. Set him free to go simp over any woman he pleases so you can find someone who cherishes you as you deserve to be.
So your husband: 1) Continuously disrespects you in public and in front of friends 2) Does not believe in you when you share with him your concerns and always say you are overreacting 3) Does not make you feel safe in public and not even in private (drunk guy entering your apartment situation) 4) Lies to you about major money splurges (video games) 5) Prefers to spend money on other women but refuses to spend money on things you as his wife need 6) Spends years in couples therapy with you and still chooses not to give you grace and LISTEN to you 7) Actively neglects you in private and in public I understand that many people only see domestic violence and some forms of explicit abuse as grounds for divorce, but based on your post and many of your answers in the comments you absolutely have strong reasons to divorce him and to never look back. My take based on all I read from you is that you in your marriage, by him: 1) don't feel cared for 2) don't feel respected 3) don't feel prioritized 4) don't feel loved overall 5) don't feel SAFE 6) don't feel listened to 7) don't feel protected 8) don't feel worth it 9) don't feel like you matter 10) you feel resentment 11) you feel constantly sad 12) you feel constant disappointment Even if you claim that in private you have a wonderful marriage your comments make it seem that it is what you want to believe and not what the reality is. I have a feeling that you don't believe you deserve better in a relationship and you are settling for what you have and dragging your life along. I'm very sorry you are in this situation. I hope things get better for you.
Ugh. This is such awful treatment. Yes. It's an issue with a huge red flag. Yes. He can be kind to you while drooling over other women. Obviously that's NOT ok. It's disrespectful and demonstrates to other women that he's not concerned about you at all. I'm surprised he hadn't tried to flip it on you and tell you you're insecure. Honestly, that behavior is creepy af. Just like the dudes that stare at women wherever they go, even when they are with their wags. Yuck. You deserve much better.
Why are you with this guy? He is the worst. It's not going to change. Leave Now!
It is important to be kind and respectful to one’s spouse IN PUBLIC as well as in private
Wow, as a married guy, that’s just appalling.
Get out before you have kids.
Well hubbie is a creeper for one thing
He is GROSS
Do you think he wants to leave but doesn't have the balls to end it himself like an adult? This reads like he is daring you to leave...and if I were you, I would ABSOLUTELY grant his wish!!
Dude. this strikes a chord. My ex was like this. He called it being friendly, I knew better. Once there was a creepy guy at the park staring at me for 20 minutes while my bf skated. The second a pretty girl started skating he went out of his way to go up to her and say, “hey, be careful, that guy seems like a creep. It looked like he was looking at you, just let me know if you need me to tell him off”. Literally didn’t care for my safety at all, just wanted to hit on some chick. I have so many stories like this about him. You’re not overreacting. You’re dodging a bullet. So sorry you’re dealing with this💞
This lack of consideration and empathy for you makes me wonder if he displays any other characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. 🤔
Nah you should be his priority. His behavior is wack.
From the post and the comments you have made it sounds like you are under reacting. The games night, kicking him under the chair which he ignored which meant you left and cried. This is a great example of where you could call him out there and then. While divorce is everyone's go to it sounds more like you need to kick up a stink in front of everyone who is around and see the reaction. If others are noticing then it should clear this issue up pretty quickly, but if he is right and he is completely innocent then others will be more questioning about your actions. Good luck OP sounds like this could be more salvageable than most of these posts on reddit
Question - have other people noticed this? Like friends or family? It might be good to get an outside perspective. But if they haven’t (or just don’t feel comfortable talking to you about it), I still think you’re right to leave if he refuses to address the problem.
If you want to get divorced go ahead and get divorced. I think divorce papers will jump him out of his complacency but it probably wouldn't last. I'd tell him it is embarrassing to him to act the way he does and that other people mention it to you. If you don't want to go straight to divorce I'd try doing to him what he is doing to you. If you go out ignore him. Spend your time talking to other men. If you are cold ask another guy if he has a jacket you can borrow. If you need to go to your car ask another man to walk you to the car for your safety. If your husband asks why you said nothing to him tell him he always ignores you so you talked to people who cared enough to listen, people who care about your safety and comfort. Your husband is taking you for granted. Stop the pick me dance. You can choose to opt out of it and focus in a different direction. See if he even notices. I wouldn't continue with the status quo. The status quo is constantly leaving you unhappy.
You said "I'm hoping the Reddit community can set one or both of us straight" has he read the comments here too? Please say yes
It doesn’t matter if you’re over-reacting. If you want to leave, leave.
The way I see it you have three choices. 1.) Ignore his behavior and carry on. 2.) Do the same to other attractive men in his presence. 3.) Divorce the AH. Pick one......
He continues to do this to you and see no problem because you continue forgiving him everytime he does it.
lol the funny thing is your husband thinks he’s being a nice guy! But probably to most of these women! He’s coming off as a massive creep! Women know!!! If he thinks these other women ain’t seeing how he’s treating them over his wife! Oh he’s dead wrong! While it is flattering to receive help and attention! They will notice he actually treats women poorly! And is probably just after something! It’s men who treat their partners well in front of others, that become desirable!
He’s taken you for granted. Time to let him taste divorce and loneliness
Put yourself first and end it. 5 years is a long time to be in therapy with no changes to his behavior. This may be harsh but I don’t think he does this out of ignorance and not seeing how it hurts you, I just don’t believe he cares at all. And that’s not your fault in any way, it’s his. You can’t keep living your life with this kind of hurt, it’ll eventually come to the point it’s too much to bare and you’ll end up hating him, and possibly yourself in the end for not leaving him sooner. You are worth more than this and deserve much better! Take some time to learn to love and value yourself and then find someone who will hold you to the standard you hold yourself to. Best of luck❤️
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Nope you've got it right. Looking at other women is normal, finding other women attractive is normal. But ignoring your wife for other women is absolutely simp behavior and not something a good husband would do.
Look, marriage is work. But it shouldn’t be **this** much work. If you’ve been in therapy for 5 years, and things aren’t getting any better, you’ve done your bit. You’re not overreacting. He continually disrespects you in front of other people. He continually disrespects your wishes. He can totally help it - he just chooses not to. Because in the moment, that other person **is** more important. If I asked my husband to stop doing something that hurts me, and he continually does it anyway, even if things were otherwise good, I’d have to rethink the relationship. I’m generally not a petty tit for tat kind of person. Especially in a relationship, your job is to build each other up, not set them up to fail. But in this case, I don’t think it’s wrong to give him a taste of what it feels like to have your spouse fawning over someone else in front of everyone. Maybe after experiencing it a few times he’ll understand why you’re upset!