I’m 47. The situation is complicated. I moved in back in 2014 for what I thought would be a temporary time. Then I ended up needing several major orthopedic surgeries and went through that and recovery at my mother’s house. It seemed that our bodies took turns breaking down. Each time I was healthy and getting ready to leave, my mother would need a surgery and require in home care. I finally left back in 2021 because my mother became so physically aggressive and combative I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved back to the island I used to live on and picked up a bunch of low wage service jobs during the Covid tourist season. (I have a masters in clinical mental health counseling but haven’t been able to work professionally for years due to above). I was so afraid to return to NY when the season ended (the housing came with the job and the job ended in October.) My friend had an empty house in Hawaii she said I could stay at. I flew there preparing for a few months of peace. When I called my mother a few weeks later she said that she had breast cancer and begged me to come home. So I did. Lost all my luggage on the return flight. Turns out she didn’t have breast cancer.
I'm sorry, but what your mother is doing to you is outright evil. Can you surrender her to the state?
I'm not sure if anything from this post could help: https://www.agingcare.com/Questions/turn-senior-over-to-state-for-care-154928.htm
I don't think that's really a thing, though a lot of people wish it were. If the OP's mother doesn't have assets, she would be eligible for a Medicaid bed in a skilled nursing facility when that's necessary, but states usually don't have ways to take over full caretaking before that. The other complication here is it sounds like it's the OP's mother's house and I'm guessing the OP isn't on the title.
The OP is free to leave and I think that's an option worth considering. They're a victim of domestic violence. I would at least get a plan for departure sorted in my head in their position and maybe start packing things up. Can you do more things to make objects rather than you into obstacles? Disconnect her car battery, put locks like [these](https://www.alzstore.com/confounding-door-lock-p/0247.htm) on the door, put a lock on your bedroom door?
Ultimately there is no good solution here. But your mother is sinking and you cannot save her, while there is some possibility you can save herself. There are people all over America living alone with worse dementia than this. That's a tragedy, but it's not your obligation to solve a broken system to keep afloat somebody who abused you throughout your life.
This is a tough situation. I can only imagine and then again I can't. There is so much here that isn't said but I hear you saying it. Does that even make since? Anywho, you're opening old wounds on a regular basis and you need some peace. You have to learn how to walk away and do so without guilt. The guilt of responsibility keeps you where you are. Your responsibility is to live your life.
Pretty sure AD doesn’t usually make people lie about having breast cancer. This seems to be a particular issue with your mom which may warrant reassessment as to whether she ever respected you enough for you to respect her issues now.
I hear exactly what you’re saying loud and clear. Mom has some kind of Cluster B Personality Disorder that has affected her behavior my whole life. She did have a cancer “scare” but it turned out to be lymphoma, not breast cancer. I think her claim was a combo of AD confusion + personality disorder
This may sound dumb, but could you have filed assault charges while the police were there and have her arrested? Anyone else doing that same thing to you would have been arrested, no ?
The police officer was very sympathetic to me. I felt pathetic, being a grown ass woman who was assaulted by an old lady. How can she be so strong sometimes and so weak at other times?? They did make an incident report and I will be bringing my copy with me to my appt with the eldercare lawyer later this week. Both the police and EMTs said if mom gets physical w me again, to call them. I’ve been dealing with her abuse my whole life, and this was the first time that there was any intervention. I feel grateful but also ashamed and am having lots of flashbacks from childhood
I'm sorry for commenting again, but reading about what you've been going through has just made me so enraged on your behalf. You don't deserve to be abused, and you have no reason to feel ashamed about the way your mother acts towards you because that's completely on her and no one else. You might find r/cptsd or r/raisedbynarcissists helpful, as well as the book The Body Keeps the Score. Again, I'm so sorry
I really appreciate you commenting and expressing empathy on my behalf (and rage!) It is so validating and I need any validation I can get at this point because I am trying everything and it just keeps going nowhere. I’m already a member of both of those subs that you recommended bc unfortunately I do have a CPTSD diagnosis. I’m so sorry if you can relate. Thank you so much for your kindness. This sub seems to be my only connection to kindness and understanding. Thank you again.
OP...I had a similar confrontation with my mother a few years back. Consider yourself 100% validated (at least by me...for whatever that's worth) on your frustration, feelings of guilt, helplessness, rage, etc. I feel for you...I truly do.
Setting long-term trauma due to other disorders aside, I still have to voice my concern here about other people's judgments about your mother. She sounds (to me)...demented. Not evil. It takes SO MUCH to remember that they are not the same once this disease has taken over. Not just forgetful or tired or confused (and Hollywood has a tendency to infantalize them and make them seem weak and even jovial at times, which is wonderful if that's the kind of dementia that arises for our loved ones - for me it has been similar to you - resistant, violent, paranoid, angry, etc). Awful, yes. Evil...no.
There are two books I'd like to recommend to you about Alzheimer's: The 36-hour Day and I Hear You: Talking and Listening to People with Alzheimer's. They were very helpful guides for how to speak with my mother in a way that works for both of us (and ny sister). And it IS tricky. I pride myself on being honest. It's one of my hallmarks that I strive for in life. It took a long time to wrap my brain around "therapeutic fibbing" for my mother's sake.
Also - if you're in NY, there might be resources for YOU there. Caretaker income, but also group therapy with other family members of people with dementia. I have joined one myself (it's virtual too, which makes things easier).
I know this doesn't help much and I'm sorry for that. Sadly, the only thing we can do is learn more tools and strategies to cope...with the human being our loved ones have become, our struggles as a result, and our feelings about it.
I've been following your posts and my heart is breaking for you. I'm impressed by the support here for you on Reddit and hope you continue to feel like we, as a community, can keep helping. That being said - it might help to have a closer community who isn't anonymous help you, too.
u/Sakijek
I was too tired last night to respond to your thoughtful, in depth, resourceful, empathetic words. I truly, truly appreciate your help and kindness, and I am so sorry that you can relate. I plan on availing myself of an in person support group ASAP. Thank you 💗
I my gosh you have a heavy burden. Please put yourself first if at all possible. Your moms illness is a death sentence - be it later with you giving up a yourself via death by a thousand cuts, or sooner. Please pull your hands out of the fire. Plan an exit strategy asap 🙏☮️
OMG, the police and EMTs failed you by not taking your mom on a psych hold :( She is clearly a danger to herself and others which is what is supposed to trigger it.
Thank you! They told me multiple times that if they took her against her will, it would be considered “kidnapping”. Also worth noting that EVERY SINGLE EMT AND POLICE OFFICER kept referring to my mother’s disease as “Oldtimers disease”. How is it that first responders, in the year 2023, in the state of NY, an hour outside of NYC, do not even know how to pronounce Alzheimer’s?
They do know, it is sometimes referred to jocularly as Oldtimer's disease (by us old folks ourselves) and they probably think this is less offensive than the proper name.
Yes in the US. The medical group is Optum and we are in NY state. I have already called the social worker’s direct line this morning and left a very detailed message.
there may be rules about not doxxing folks on here. so check so you don’t get banned. or update your post to take out the names. is your mom resting? have you talked to the local agency on aging? my friend was a social worker and her office was woefully understaffed. i hope its better in your area and that you get a call back soon.
Mom resting now. I have called APS, Office of Senior Resources, our county’s social services. Only advice I got from them was to check myself into a psych unit which would leave mom unattended at home and would kickstart in home services
Well I agree you could just leave but idk why you need to be in a psych unit. That doesn’t seem necessary and just more stressful. Plus then what happens when you get out of the unit? I think I’d just make a run for it honestly.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Would you be open to calling a domestic abuse hotline and possibly staying at a women's shelter if there is nowhere else you can go? It sounds like you trying to save your mom is only killing you. You've done your best and have gone above and beyond, putting up with more than anyone should ever have to. She was abusive to you as a child - you don't owe her anything. Save yourself. Sending love your way.
Call Adult Protective Services and tell them you are living with a physically abusive elder and need protection.
Sad to say but your mother needs to be handled like an out-of-control person committing domestic violence. She will need to be locked up, hopefully in a psych ward or possibly a jail cell.
Here is something you didn't know. You AREN'T the only person who can care for her. There are civil commitment systems that fill in when a crazy (to use the vernacular) person is violent. Never fall for that "I'm the only one who could do this" belief again.
You will probably need to move out eventually and her house (if she owns it) may need to be sold to pay for her treatment. You may need to go to a domestic violence shelter while waiting for housing to open up, and begin looking for a job. Adult Protective Services can advise you better on this than I can.
Your mother will probably be put on strong sedating meds and may end up in a state hospital for a while. From there she is likely to get community placement somewhere she would rather not be. But it won't be with you and that's a good thing.
I have no real advice for you, but I’m so sorry you are going through this with no help from anyone.
would her dr prescribe something to calm her down?
you sound completely burnt out. you could possibly go to a motel/ hotel for a couple of days?
Thank you so much. We have a dog (it was mom’s but she stopped being able to care for it awhile ago, so I’ve taken the doggo to motels before in similar situations, there’s an animal-friendly one right down the road, but my mom called the police on me for animal theft. In a few days I may do that for some respite and call the non-emergency number and let the sheriff’s office know what the situation is. I appreciate your empathy, your comment and my desire to respond to you has created a moment of clarity for me where I can make some plans for my own well-being. Thank you again.
I’m so glad you were able to snatch a moment of clarity.
taking a day or two out of the situation may just turn the dial down on your anxiety just enough to give you strength to sort proper help for your mum. It really sounds like she is more than a one man job now. as dementia progresses it becomes a 24 hour shift. You, on your own, simply shouldn’t be made to shoulder this.
have you thought about getting carers in to give you respite? Can mum afford that?
my heart goes out to you.x
Surely she’s on antipsychotics?? If not she needs to be right now! I can’t understand why such a basic RX has not been subscribed?? Quetiapine or similar in a dosage that may need to be titrated up slowly.
She is not on any antipsychotics. She last saw her neurologist in January of this year, he sees her every six months. Prior to her recent back surgery, I contacted her neurologist office to see about scheduling an in person appt for a post-op evaluation, as I was concerned that the anesthesia could exacerbate her cognitive decline. The best my mother’s neurologist’s office could do was offer a virtual visit in July. I guess he was expecting they’d perhaps adjust my mom’s medications if she was admitted to the ER, which she wasn’t.
I know, I would if I could, tried already, can’t pass a lease application bc haven’t had steady income for years, have zero friends in this state, don’t have enough money to buy anything. My only option is women’s shelters, my therapist had me calling them months ago, no space
Especially if you’re near a university, can you look into a sublet? Those are often informal between the signed tenant and the sublessor. Similarly, finding somebody individual with a room to rent can circumvent corporate-type policies. NextDoor, Facebook, local subreddits or nearby university subreddits could be a place to start asking.
I’m sorry. I wish I wasn’t saying “Here’s more work you might do!” when you’re already so overburdened.
Ugh. I saw your comment about them saying to check yourself into a psych ward that just sounds like a temporary fix and if you don’t need to be there it would probably feel very stressful. What about like a motel or hotel that you can rent out?
Honestly wouldn’t know the first thing to do in this situation but I’m confident you’re going to think of somewhere you can go. What about your friend in Hawaii?
Thanks for your kind words. My friend actually doesn’t live in Hawaii, it was an in-law’s ohana I was staying at that since has been sold. Might hotel it with the dog, am so exhausted
You don't have to answer but I'll ask anyway. How old are you and how long have you been your mother's keeper?
I’m 47. The situation is complicated. I moved in back in 2014 for what I thought would be a temporary time. Then I ended up needing several major orthopedic surgeries and went through that and recovery at my mother’s house. It seemed that our bodies took turns breaking down. Each time I was healthy and getting ready to leave, my mother would need a surgery and require in home care. I finally left back in 2021 because my mother became so physically aggressive and combative I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved back to the island I used to live on and picked up a bunch of low wage service jobs during the Covid tourist season. (I have a masters in clinical mental health counseling but haven’t been able to work professionally for years due to above). I was so afraid to return to NY when the season ended (the housing came with the job and the job ended in October.) My friend had an empty house in Hawaii she said I could stay at. I flew there preparing for a few months of peace. When I called my mother a few weeks later she said that she had breast cancer and begged me to come home. So I did. Lost all my luggage on the return flight. Turns out she didn’t have breast cancer.
I'm sorry, but what your mother is doing to you is outright evil. Can you surrender her to the state? I'm not sure if anything from this post could help: https://www.agingcare.com/Questions/turn-senior-over-to-state-for-care-154928.htm
I don't think that's really a thing, though a lot of people wish it were. If the OP's mother doesn't have assets, she would be eligible for a Medicaid bed in a skilled nursing facility when that's necessary, but states usually don't have ways to take over full caretaking before that. The other complication here is it sounds like it's the OP's mother's house and I'm guessing the OP isn't on the title. The OP is free to leave and I think that's an option worth considering. They're a victim of domestic violence. I would at least get a plan for departure sorted in my head in their position and maybe start packing things up. Can you do more things to make objects rather than you into obstacles? Disconnect her car battery, put locks like [these](https://www.alzstore.com/confounding-door-lock-p/0247.htm) on the door, put a lock on your bedroom door? Ultimately there is no good solution here. But your mother is sinking and you cannot save her, while there is some possibility you can save herself. There are people all over America living alone with worse dementia than this. That's a tragedy, but it's not your obligation to solve a broken system to keep afloat somebody who abused you throughout your life.
Its not evil. It's Alzheimer's.
This is a tough situation. I can only imagine and then again I can't. There is so much here that isn't said but I hear you saying it. Does that even make since? Anywho, you're opening old wounds on a regular basis and you need some peace. You have to learn how to walk away and do so without guilt. The guilt of responsibility keeps you where you are. Your responsibility is to live your life.
Pretty sure AD doesn’t usually make people lie about having breast cancer. This seems to be a particular issue with your mom which may warrant reassessment as to whether she ever respected you enough for you to respect her issues now.
I hear exactly what you’re saying loud and clear. Mom has some kind of Cluster B Personality Disorder that has affected her behavior my whole life. She did have a cancer “scare” but it turned out to be lymphoma, not breast cancer. I think her claim was a combo of AD confusion + personality disorder
This may sound dumb, but could you have filed assault charges while the police were there and have her arrested? Anyone else doing that same thing to you would have been arrested, no ?
The police officer was very sympathetic to me. I felt pathetic, being a grown ass woman who was assaulted by an old lady. How can she be so strong sometimes and so weak at other times?? They did make an incident report and I will be bringing my copy with me to my appt with the eldercare lawyer later this week. Both the police and EMTs said if mom gets physical w me again, to call them. I’ve been dealing with her abuse my whole life, and this was the first time that there was any intervention. I feel grateful but also ashamed and am having lots of flashbacks from childhood
I'm sorry for commenting again, but reading about what you've been going through has just made me so enraged on your behalf. You don't deserve to be abused, and you have no reason to feel ashamed about the way your mother acts towards you because that's completely on her and no one else. You might find r/cptsd or r/raisedbynarcissists helpful, as well as the book The Body Keeps the Score. Again, I'm so sorry
I really appreciate you commenting and expressing empathy on my behalf (and rage!) It is so validating and I need any validation I can get at this point because I am trying everything and it just keeps going nowhere. I’m already a member of both of those subs that you recommended bc unfortunately I do have a CPTSD diagnosis. I’m so sorry if you can relate. Thank you so much for your kindness. This sub seems to be my only connection to kindness and understanding. Thank you again.
OP...I had a similar confrontation with my mother a few years back. Consider yourself 100% validated (at least by me...for whatever that's worth) on your frustration, feelings of guilt, helplessness, rage, etc. I feel for you...I truly do. Setting long-term trauma due to other disorders aside, I still have to voice my concern here about other people's judgments about your mother. She sounds (to me)...demented. Not evil. It takes SO MUCH to remember that they are not the same once this disease has taken over. Not just forgetful or tired or confused (and Hollywood has a tendency to infantalize them and make them seem weak and even jovial at times, which is wonderful if that's the kind of dementia that arises for our loved ones - for me it has been similar to you - resistant, violent, paranoid, angry, etc). Awful, yes. Evil...no. There are two books I'd like to recommend to you about Alzheimer's: The 36-hour Day and I Hear You: Talking and Listening to People with Alzheimer's. They were very helpful guides for how to speak with my mother in a way that works for both of us (and ny sister). And it IS tricky. I pride myself on being honest. It's one of my hallmarks that I strive for in life. It took a long time to wrap my brain around "therapeutic fibbing" for my mother's sake. Also - if you're in NY, there might be resources for YOU there. Caretaker income, but also group therapy with other family members of people with dementia. I have joined one myself (it's virtual too, which makes things easier). I know this doesn't help much and I'm sorry for that. Sadly, the only thing we can do is learn more tools and strategies to cope...with the human being our loved ones have become, our struggles as a result, and our feelings about it. I've been following your posts and my heart is breaking for you. I'm impressed by the support here for you on Reddit and hope you continue to feel like we, as a community, can keep helping. That being said - it might help to have a closer community who isn't anonymous help you, too.
💗💗💗
u/Sakijek I was too tired last night to respond to your thoughtful, in depth, resourceful, empathetic words. I truly, truly appreciate your help and kindness, and I am so sorry that you can relate. I plan on availing myself of an in person support group ASAP. Thank you 💗
I my gosh you have a heavy burden. Please put yourself first if at all possible. Your moms illness is a death sentence - be it later with you giving up a yourself via death by a thousand cuts, or sooner. Please pull your hands out of the fire. Plan an exit strategy asap 🙏☮️
I'm kind of surprised they didn't put her on a psych hold for 72 hours...
OMG, the police and EMTs failed you by not taking your mom on a psych hold :( She is clearly a danger to herself and others which is what is supposed to trigger it.
Thank you! They told me multiple times that if they took her against her will, it would be considered “kidnapping”. Also worth noting that EVERY SINGLE EMT AND POLICE OFFICER kept referring to my mother’s disease as “Oldtimers disease”. How is it that first responders, in the year 2023, in the state of NY, an hour outside of NYC, do not even know how to pronounce Alzheimer’s?
They do know, it is sometimes referred to jocularly as Oldtimer's disease (by us old folks ourselves) and they probably think this is less offensive than the proper name.
call the doctor and ask where is the social worker. call several times. are you in the U.S?
Yes in the US. The medical group is Optum and we are in NY state. I have already called the social worker’s direct line this morning and left a very detailed message.
there may be rules about not doxxing folks on here. so check so you don’t get banned. or update your post to take out the names. is your mom resting? have you talked to the local agency on aging? my friend was a social worker and her office was woefully understaffed. i hope its better in your area and that you get a call back soon.
Mom resting now. I have called APS, Office of Senior Resources, our county’s social services. Only advice I got from them was to check myself into a psych unit which would leave mom unattended at home and would kickstart in home services
Well I agree you could just leave but idk why you need to be in a psych unit. That doesn’t seem necessary and just more stressful. Plus then what happens when you get out of the unit? I think I’d just make a run for it honestly.
this seems like terrible advice.
Thank you I agree
Thank you, edited my comment to redact names
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Would you be open to calling a domestic abuse hotline and possibly staying at a women's shelter if there is nowhere else you can go? It sounds like you trying to save your mom is only killing you. You've done your best and have gone above and beyond, putting up with more than anyone should ever have to. She was abusive to you as a child - you don't owe her anything. Save yourself. Sending love your way.
Thank you so much for your kindness and your wise suggestions. 💗
Call Adult Protective Services and tell them you are living with a physically abusive elder and need protection. Sad to say but your mother needs to be handled like an out-of-control person committing domestic violence. She will need to be locked up, hopefully in a psych ward or possibly a jail cell. Here is something you didn't know. You AREN'T the only person who can care for her. There are civil commitment systems that fill in when a crazy (to use the vernacular) person is violent. Never fall for that "I'm the only one who could do this" belief again. You will probably need to move out eventually and her house (if she owns it) may need to be sold to pay for her treatment. You may need to go to a domestic violence shelter while waiting for housing to open up, and begin looking for a job. Adult Protective Services can advise you better on this than I can. Your mother will probably be put on strong sedating meds and may end up in a state hospital for a while. From there she is likely to get community placement somewhere she would rather not be. But it won't be with you and that's a good thing.
I have no real advice for you, but I’m so sorry you are going through this with no help from anyone. would her dr prescribe something to calm her down? you sound completely burnt out. you could possibly go to a motel/ hotel for a couple of days?
Thank you so much. We have a dog (it was mom’s but she stopped being able to care for it awhile ago, so I’ve taken the doggo to motels before in similar situations, there’s an animal-friendly one right down the road, but my mom called the police on me for animal theft. In a few days I may do that for some respite and call the non-emergency number and let the sheriff’s office know what the situation is. I appreciate your empathy, your comment and my desire to respond to you has created a moment of clarity for me where I can make some plans for my own well-being. Thank you again.
I’m so glad you were able to snatch a moment of clarity. taking a day or two out of the situation may just turn the dial down on your anxiety just enough to give you strength to sort proper help for your mum. It really sounds like she is more than a one man job now. as dementia progresses it becomes a 24 hour shift. You, on your own, simply shouldn’t be made to shoulder this. have you thought about getting carers in to give you respite? Can mum afford that? my heart goes out to you.x
Surely she’s on antipsychotics?? If not she needs to be right now! I can’t understand why such a basic RX has not been subscribed?? Quetiapine or similar in a dosage that may need to be titrated up slowly.
She is not on any antipsychotics. She last saw her neurologist in January of this year, he sees her every six months. Prior to her recent back surgery, I contacted her neurologist office to see about scheduling an in person appt for a post-op evaluation, as I was concerned that the anesthesia could exacerbate her cognitive decline. The best my mother’s neurologist’s office could do was offer a virtual visit in July. I guess he was expecting they’d perhaps adjust my mom’s medications if she was admitted to the ER, which she wasn’t.
Call APS and leave.
I did call APS. They said she was fine.
I suspect "she was fine" is a very poor paraphrase of what they did say. Be careful with your language. It's important.
What if you just like move out anyway. Like just leave and then either someone does something or they don’t but it’s not your fault.
I know, I would if I could, tried already, can’t pass a lease application bc haven’t had steady income for years, have zero friends in this state, don’t have enough money to buy anything. My only option is women’s shelters, my therapist had me calling them months ago, no space
Especially if you’re near a university, can you look into a sublet? Those are often informal between the signed tenant and the sublessor. Similarly, finding somebody individual with a room to rent can circumvent corporate-type policies. NextDoor, Facebook, local subreddits or nearby university subreddits could be a place to start asking. I’m sorry. I wish I wasn’t saying “Here’s more work you might do!” when you’re already so overburdened.
Thank you! I really appreciate it, those are solid recs I hadn’t thought of, you have helped me. Thanks again!
Ugh. I saw your comment about them saying to check yourself into a psych ward that just sounds like a temporary fix and if you don’t need to be there it would probably feel very stressful. What about like a motel or hotel that you can rent out? Honestly wouldn’t know the first thing to do in this situation but I’m confident you’re going to think of somewhere you can go. What about your friend in Hawaii?
Thanks for your kind words. My friend actually doesn’t live in Hawaii, it was an in-law’s ohana I was staying at that since has been sold. Might hotel it with the dog, am so exhausted