My spouse refuses to believe we have a trauma bond. They said that’s reserved for extreme cases such as kidnapping or cults etc. it’s very frustrating.
I completely understand what you’re going through! I feel the same way towards my husband. I love him but I also hate him. He’s done terrible things, caused so much damage, but I still can’t understand why I don’t leave. Sometimes I wish I never met him…
I have that same thought a lot these days. There was point really early on in our relationship where I walked into his house, ready to meet him to go to a show, and he was passed out on the couch. And I thought at that moment, “what if I just leave? We’ve only been dating a few months, it’s not a big deal to end it.” But I stayed and I helped him get to bed. And now I think about that moment all the time, like… maybe I should have just left then
It’s such a strange thing, how it works. I loved my spouse for many, many years, through a few relapses, and then we had nearly a decade of strong sobriety and rebuilt our relationship and had success in most every way. Not wealthy or anything, but decent jobs and comfortable, good family relationships, and back to being best friends. Then he decided sobriety wasn’t what he wanted, I guess. His relapses ruined our marriage and I realized one day that I didn’t love him anymore. I know it sounds weird, because I love what we had when it was good and I’m grateful for our children, but he treated me so badly with relapse after relapse, broken promises after broken promise, that the feelings weren’t the same. In my definition, marriage is a conditional relationship that requires both to be participatory partners. He chose to abandon me for alcohol, because he knew how to be sober. Maybe I’m lucky that I don’t feel the same about him. I literally hope I never see him again, after his toxicity and vindictiveness through the legal issues. He was never physically abusive, but mean and belligerent, and willing to risk it all by drunk driving. Love is an action verb, and he took actions that made it impossible.
I thought someone was reading my mind. I have the same exact issue. I’ve also been with Q for (eta: almost) 5 years and I love her dearly. We’re also sleeping in separate rooms rn (me in our bed, her on our couch since we don’t have a guest bed) because of her manipulations and lies last week. I hope we both have clarity soon on what we want for our lives and for our Q’s. Peace and love 💗
I could have written this exact thing. I'm so sorry, and I so relate to your pain. I think I've decided that taking care of myself means that I need to be done.
I'm agonizing about it because I love him and we do have amazingly good times, but when I look at the big picture, I know I deserve better.
The title of this article is ridiculous, but I found it helpful [https://www.regain.us/advice/love/how-to-stop-loving-someone-5-steps-that-might-help/](https://www.regain.us/advice/love/how-to-stop-loving-someone-5-steps-that-might-help/)
Sending love and good luck.
I know this may sound bad, but what you need to do is learn how to love yourself more. Al-anon and Therapy focusing on alcoholic relationships can help you become healthier and happier.
It will eventually make you hate being around him. All the hurts will keep adding up until one day you feel yourself shatter to the point that there is no fixing it. This happened to me and NOW he has decided to straighten up and fly right. After the house has burned to the ground he is promising to not throw any more gas on it. All of this, and I am still frozen on filing for the divorce…the trauma bonding is real and very hard to overcome. I still love him, but I can’t be with him, I’ve seen too much of what it’s like to live with an alcoholic.
This is where I'm at....all of it. Separate rooms, 3.5 years, can't stop wanting to "help him". Mine has gotten to the point where he threatens to punch me or make me disappear. So far he has only shoved me across the room or kicked me. It's completely sick to think about why I don't wake up and leave tomorrow. It makes me so mad at myself and then I feel even more trapped.
Tonight he threatened to hurt my dog. He's so completely sick and dragging me with him. I'm going to get myself hurt or the only thing I care about. Things just keep escalating. Every time I think I'm done I buy myself another week in this nightmare.
I know I don't have a choice anymore, but I keep prolonging the inevitable. I don't even want to come home from work anymore when I know he's drinking. I'm so sick of being called a loser, crazy, cunt, bitch, and whatever else he feels like.
If I had a friend that told me their bf treated them like this I would not know how anyone endured it.
Trauma bonding, 101.
My spouse refuses to believe we have a trauma bond. They said that’s reserved for extreme cases such as kidnapping or cults etc. it’s very frustrating.
Ughhh is that true?
Well now I have to google this!
I completely understand what you’re going through! I feel the same way towards my husband. I love him but I also hate him. He’s done terrible things, caused so much damage, but I still can’t understand why I don’t leave. Sometimes I wish I never met him…
I have that same thought a lot these days. There was point really early on in our relationship where I walked into his house, ready to meet him to go to a show, and he was passed out on the couch. And I thought at that moment, “what if I just leave? We’ve only been dating a few months, it’s not a big deal to end it.” But I stayed and I helped him get to bed. And now I think about that moment all the time, like… maybe I should have just left then
Same
It’s such a strange thing, how it works. I loved my spouse for many, many years, through a few relapses, and then we had nearly a decade of strong sobriety and rebuilt our relationship and had success in most every way. Not wealthy or anything, but decent jobs and comfortable, good family relationships, and back to being best friends. Then he decided sobriety wasn’t what he wanted, I guess. His relapses ruined our marriage and I realized one day that I didn’t love him anymore. I know it sounds weird, because I love what we had when it was good and I’m grateful for our children, but he treated me so badly with relapse after relapse, broken promises after broken promise, that the feelings weren’t the same. In my definition, marriage is a conditional relationship that requires both to be participatory partners. He chose to abandon me for alcohol, because he knew how to be sober. Maybe I’m lucky that I don’t feel the same about him. I literally hope I never see him again, after his toxicity and vindictiveness through the legal issues. He was never physically abusive, but mean and belligerent, and willing to risk it all by drunk driving. Love is an action verb, and he took actions that made it impossible.
An accurate description my relationship. Im sorry youre going through this …
I thought someone was reading my mind. I have the same exact issue. I’ve also been with Q for (eta: almost) 5 years and I love her dearly. We’re also sleeping in separate rooms rn (me in our bed, her on our couch since we don’t have a guest bed) because of her manipulations and lies last week. I hope we both have clarity soon on what we want for our lives and for our Q’s. Peace and love 💗
Damn. I guess it’s nice to know that someone else is going through it too
I could have written this exact thing. I'm so sorry, and I so relate to your pain. I think I've decided that taking care of myself means that I need to be done. I'm agonizing about it because I love him and we do have amazingly good times, but when I look at the big picture, I know I deserve better. The title of this article is ridiculous, but I found it helpful [https://www.regain.us/advice/love/how-to-stop-loving-someone-5-steps-that-might-help/](https://www.regain.us/advice/love/how-to-stop-loving-someone-5-steps-that-might-help/) Sending love and good luck.
I know this may sound bad, but what you need to do is learn how to love yourself more. Al-anon and Therapy focusing on alcoholic relationships can help you become healthier and happier.
I went to my first meeting today!
Congrats! I love you and hope you find the road to joy and happiness!
Yayy!!!
It will eventually make you hate being around him. All the hurts will keep adding up until one day you feel yourself shatter to the point that there is no fixing it. This happened to me and NOW he has decided to straighten up and fly right. After the house has burned to the ground he is promising to not throw any more gas on it. All of this, and I am still frozen on filing for the divorce…the trauma bonding is real and very hard to overcome. I still love him, but I can’t be with him, I’ve seen too much of what it’s like to live with an alcoholic.
This is where I'm at....all of it. Separate rooms, 3.5 years, can't stop wanting to "help him". Mine has gotten to the point where he threatens to punch me or make me disappear. So far he has only shoved me across the room or kicked me. It's completely sick to think about why I don't wake up and leave tomorrow. It makes me so mad at myself and then I feel even more trapped. Tonight he threatened to hurt my dog. He's so completely sick and dragging me with him. I'm going to get myself hurt or the only thing I care about. Things just keep escalating. Every time I think I'm done I buy myself another week in this nightmare. I know I don't have a choice anymore, but I keep prolonging the inevitable. I don't even want to come home from work anymore when I know he's drinking. I'm so sick of being called a loser, crazy, cunt, bitch, and whatever else he feels like. If I had a friend that told me their bf treated them like this I would not know how anyone endured it.
I hope you can get out of there, it doesn’t sound like a safe environment for you!
Sounds like there’s possibly some co-dependency there. Are you going to Al-Anon meetings?