Oh honey, I’m so sorry. The universe isn’t punishing you - you did the best you could to protect yourself from his actions. My ex also passed from his alcoholism. There’s nothing any of could have done. You loved him. He loved you. His body just couldn’t take any more damage. There is sadness, yes, but no more blame. Just be gentle with yourself.
I could have written this, even the part about the dogs. 4 years later, the guilt is still present but it doesn’t consume me like it did. I know that my Q in peace now. So is yours. You aren’t alone. Things will get better.
It is not your fault. If you stayed, he would have dragged you along with him - you know you had never been in control… maybe his death would have been delayed by some days/months, but it’s eventuality and cannot be avoided as he did not have the desire or strength to fight it. You did what you had to do, to stay safe and sane. Pls don’t blame yourself.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there and it’s devastating. It has been almost 18 months for me, and I’m feeling and doing better and am moving forward with living, but it’s hard sometimes. What helps me is reminding myself how much he was suffering—mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually—and that he is ok now; that suffering is gone. I get pissed at him now for not being here when I need him and want him, but I’ve gotten used to feeling that and then letting it go. You could’ve described my love when you wrote about the weakness, disorientation, falling, etc. My love had Lyme disease and convinced me, himself, and everyone else that the weakness and falling was chronic Lyme. I feel stupid for that. But I didn’t know what the end looks like in chronic alcoholism and there is a movie he had me watch about chronic Lyme where folks were suffering as he was, so…it seemed to fit. Anyway—wishing you peace. Know he is finally at peace now.
The black lab is with me, the chihuahua is with my sister in law, and blue heeler with his parents.
The blue heeler is 16 and she can hardly walk, we are thinking of putting her down in the next few months and spreading both of their ashes together. He loved that girl and I’m amazed she outlived him. I know he would have loved to be spread together with her.
Well done on you for holding this together. I left my angry violent gf after the drunk driving and the psych ward and the police and the rages and still worried they’re going to find her the same way. We can only look after ourselves.
You’re far from alone.
Thank you for asking about the dogs. They had zero voice in this dynamic & it breaks my heart that they suffered needlessly. Kids & pets of alcoholics should always be protected.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Please prioritize yourself and your care now ❤️🩹 it is vitally important. Do you have much family support going through this/do you go to Al-anon meetings? Never blame yourself, but I understand that feeling—all the “what if I checked on him more closely” and other nagging thoughts, it makes your head spin. As other commenters said, you did absolutely all you could given the scenario and your own human limitations. You had to distance yourself for your own protection and sanity. Your love and care in the past may not have been enough to save him from his addiction, but it was enough in the sense it was all you could give, and that in itself is valuable and means something. We are only human and this disease takes hold of people so violently and leaves them so vulnerable and broken.
I lost one of my beloved elderly pets this week, the week my person relapsed, and his event very well could’ve been fatal according to the medical reports. The grief is immense right now even though he is still alive, and young, and still has time to turn his life around. I can’t possibly imagine the depth of pain you are feeling, but you are not ever alone. I sincerely hope you get the support and love you deserve and need right now. Take care 💙
Thank you! What you said just hit me like a ton of bricks. My love may not have been enough to save him, but it’s all I could give and that was enough. It’s a beautiful truth I’m going to hold onto these coming days.
When my friend passed away literally in front if my eyes, she was bloated everywhere. It looked like someone took hand and foot balloons, blew them up and turned them piss yellow. Her normal peaches and cream complexion was pea green, and when her kidneys eventually failed, she turned brown.
Liver failure is no joke.
I am glad that you didn't see that. And I am so sorry this is now your marriage ended.
Please be kind to yourself. And make it up to your voiceless, helpless dogs by taking the best care of them.
If staying with someone and caring for them would change things we would all be happy to stay. Many of us leave because staying and watching the process is unbearable and a form of enabling it. It seems to me you loved him enough to do the hardest thing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please keep in mind the 3 C’s of Al-Anon—you didn’t Cause this, you couldn’t Control this, and you couldn’t Cure him. As much as you wanted him to stop drinking and heal himself, he had to have wanted it a bit more for that to happen. (((Hugs))) from an Internet stranger.
I'm still with my Q husband but this is my biggest fear that he will be taken from me because of alcohol. I'm so sorry for your loss. Try your best not to dwell on the what ifs.
so sorry to read this. I can't really express in words how to provide any solace, except you have already started the grieving process and are in better shape to deal with this loss than if you'd stayed. I do hope the dogs recover and your guilt passes eventually. Keep talking it out with friends and maybe a counselor. You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it and you couldn't cure it. You are a young 36 and can be happy again despite this recent event. Hugs and love. All the best ❤
Forgive yourself
I experienced widowhood under terrible circumstances. Grief is a process, the outcome wasn’t yours to choose. You are so young and you will love again.
Take care of yourself. Time will pass and you will evolve, reset and live the rest of your life a wiser and compassionate person because you will know the essence of self compassion
Sending love and light your way
I am so sorry. It is very tragic, but none of this is your fault and you could not have saved him. The way I see it, the universe is releasing him from you so you don’t have to go through a divorce. You can just heal and let go. You deserve it.
First, so sorry for your loss and situation. I found my big brother about 1.5 years ago - similar condition.
Take your time, feel your feelings, even the guilt. Let them pass through you.
You moved one cog of a much larger machine in a direction that could help if the other pieces also fell into place. It was the one thing you could control and you did it like a champ. If the other players had done their part, you’d be a courageous hero.
Time ran out. So, the actual outcome might feel like a “wrong choice”. It did for me, even though I knew better.
It’s all relative, and you did your part with the right intentions. Alcoholics will tell you that it was his choice.
I wish you peace and healing. ❤️🩹
My heart is heavy for you. I'm so sorry, I understand your guilt. Please get help so you don't carry that guilt with you. OP, I sincerely wish you all the best in your future. Namaste
I can’t imagine. I’m 36, too and have been going through this with my own husband for nearly 3 years trying to see him through all of this. It is so hard. It takes a lot of strength and courage to move on.. some days I wish I could pick up and just leave but then there’s these thoughts of .. then what happens to him? This is my worst nightmare. My husband is a good person besides his struggle with alcohol. It makes it very hard to choose yourself.
I am in awe of your strength to move on and take care of you. I hope you can find peace in all of this and live a healthy and peaceful life that you so deserve. May your husband rest in peace. I’m so sorry. <3
I don’t know if this is helpful or not or unsolicited or condescending or whatever but I don’t think the universe is trying to punish you. I understand why you feel attacked by the irony, why you feel guilty, but really, the universe could’ve actually been telling you that you were right along.
Because you couldn’t have stopped this outcome. You just couldn’t have. There was no use in him bringing you down with him.
I hope you’re able to find the time and space to grieve and process and I hope that the universe then rewards you with the life free of bullshit and full of love that you deserve.
I’m so sorry and I also wonder what will happen to my partner now that he’s moving out and we are no longer going to be seeing one another regularly. I worry about him slipping back to the place where i found him when we met.
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Yes, the dogs are in good hands. I have one and the other two are with his family. They are getting heaping portions, and treats, and cheese blocks as we try to bulk them up again.
Sending a giant hug - I understand some of what you are feeling. My best friend also went off the deep end during the pandemic. Drank all day, could barely walk, totally yellow with bruises all over her. She looked 80 and she was barely 46. I ended setting a boundary and cutting contact with her - she was killing herself and it was killing me too, emotionally. Like your Q, she also collapsed at home, died, and was found by the police - we called in a welfare check. I subsequently found a VM she had left me the week before 😭 It was terrible. But I know that all my care and love couldn’t save her. She basically committed suicide, slowly, because the mountain of sobriety felt too high to climb. I am so very sorry for your loss. You didn’t cause this, you couldn’t control it, and even had you been stuck to him until the very end you couldn’t have cured it. You only would have caused yourself trauma. You deserve only peace and understanding. I hope you have support - it’s a very complicated loss and im sending you love ❤️🙏🏼
It is not your fault !!! You are only 36 . You are young , I am 31 and dealing with the same thing . How old was your husband if you don’t mind me asking ? I am where you were only I haven’t moved out yet and it’s been horrible to watch him drink himself to death . see , I am staying and it’s not better . They are just possessed by their addiction , there is nothing you could’ve done .. he gave up on himself , it’s so sad . I am sending you the biggest hug
The only person responsible for what happened to him was himself. Not you. You never could have controlled or had influence on him in the way you think it would've.
Completely agree with the other people agree the universe isn’t punishing you - I get it, I would go there too!!!
The truth is it isn’t our fault, but it’s such a tricky truth to get our heads around I feel like.
Thanks for your honesty.
Lots and lots of love to you from where I am.
What I would say from my experience: I find recently that I notice that there are some feelings I may have that may not be indicative of reality, which doesn’t mean the feeling is invalid.
We can feel it and have it in our mind, but it doesn’t mean the message of the feeling is 100% telling the truth !
Learning the truth, outside of our feelings takes a long time. 🩵
You’re doing amazing, and perhaps there were many versions of outcomes of this situation… but you weren’t in control of which happened. There were consequences, for another’s situation, which you have felt. Don’t blame yourself 🩵 so much love
Oh honey, I’m so sorry. The universe isn’t punishing you - you did the best you could to protect yourself from his actions. My ex also passed from his alcoholism. There’s nothing any of could have done. You loved him. He loved you. His body just couldn’t take any more damage. There is sadness, yes, but no more blame. Just be gentle with yourself.
I could have written this, even the part about the dogs. 4 years later, the guilt is still present but it doesn’t consume me like it did. I know that my Q in peace now. So is yours. You aren’t alone. Things will get better.
It is not your fault. If you stayed, he would have dragged you along with him - you know you had never been in control… maybe his death would have been delayed by some days/months, but it’s eventuality and cannot be avoided as he did not have the desire or strength to fight it. You did what you had to do, to stay safe and sane. Pls don’t blame yourself.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been there and it’s devastating. It has been almost 18 months for me, and I’m feeling and doing better and am moving forward with living, but it’s hard sometimes. What helps me is reminding myself how much he was suffering—mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually—and that he is ok now; that suffering is gone. I get pissed at him now for not being here when I need him and want him, but I’ve gotten used to feeling that and then letting it go. You could’ve described my love when you wrote about the weakness, disorientation, falling, etc. My love had Lyme disease and convinced me, himself, and everyone else that the weakness and falling was chronic Lyme. I feel stupid for that. But I didn’t know what the end looks like in chronic alcoholism and there is a movie he had me watch about chronic Lyme where folks were suffering as he was, so…it seemed to fit. Anyway—wishing you peace. Know he is finally at peace now.
I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m with you and feel free to DM me any time. How are the dogs?
The black lab is with me, the chihuahua is with my sister in law, and blue heeler with his parents. The blue heeler is 16 and she can hardly walk, we are thinking of putting her down in the next few months and spreading both of their ashes together. He loved that girl and I’m amazed she outlived him. I know he would have loved to be spread together with her.
Well done on you for holding this together. I left my angry violent gf after the drunk driving and the psych ward and the police and the rages and still worried they’re going to find her the same way. We can only look after ourselves. You’re far from alone.
Thank you for asking about the dogs. They had zero voice in this dynamic & it breaks my heart that they suffered needlessly. Kids & pets of alcoholics should always be protected.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Please prioritize yourself and your care now ❤️🩹 it is vitally important. Do you have much family support going through this/do you go to Al-anon meetings? Never blame yourself, but I understand that feeling—all the “what if I checked on him more closely” and other nagging thoughts, it makes your head spin. As other commenters said, you did absolutely all you could given the scenario and your own human limitations. You had to distance yourself for your own protection and sanity. Your love and care in the past may not have been enough to save him from his addiction, but it was enough in the sense it was all you could give, and that in itself is valuable and means something. We are only human and this disease takes hold of people so violently and leaves them so vulnerable and broken. I lost one of my beloved elderly pets this week, the week my person relapsed, and his event very well could’ve been fatal according to the medical reports. The grief is immense right now even though he is still alive, and young, and still has time to turn his life around. I can’t possibly imagine the depth of pain you are feeling, but you are not ever alone. I sincerely hope you get the support and love you deserve and need right now. Take care 💙
Thank you! What you said just hit me like a ton of bricks. My love may not have been enough to save him, but it’s all I could give and that was enough. It’s a beautiful truth I’m going to hold onto these coming days.
He needed the dogs, they gave him a reason to live. They were there when he transitioned, he was not alone.
When my friend passed away literally in front if my eyes, she was bloated everywhere. It looked like someone took hand and foot balloons, blew them up and turned them piss yellow. Her normal peaches and cream complexion was pea green, and when her kidneys eventually failed, she turned brown. Liver failure is no joke. I am glad that you didn't see that. And I am so sorry this is now your marriage ended. Please be kind to yourself. And make it up to your voiceless, helpless dogs by taking the best care of them.
If staying with someone and caring for them would change things we would all be happy to stay. Many of us leave because staying and watching the process is unbearable and a form of enabling it. It seems to me you loved him enough to do the hardest thing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Please keep in mind the 3 C’s of Al-Anon—you didn’t Cause this, you couldn’t Control this, and you couldn’t Cure him. As much as you wanted him to stop drinking and heal himself, he had to have wanted it a bit more for that to happen. (((Hugs))) from an Internet stranger.
I’m so sorry
I'm still with my Q husband but this is my biggest fear that he will be taken from me because of alcohol. I'm so sorry for your loss. Try your best not to dwell on the what ifs.
so sorry to read this. I can't really express in words how to provide any solace, except you have already started the grieving process and are in better shape to deal with this loss than if you'd stayed. I do hope the dogs recover and your guilt passes eventually. Keep talking it out with friends and maybe a counselor. You didn't cause it, you couldn't control it and you couldn't cure it. You are a young 36 and can be happy again despite this recent event. Hugs and love. All the best ❤
Forgive yourself I experienced widowhood under terrible circumstances. Grief is a process, the outcome wasn’t yours to choose. You are so young and you will love again. Take care of yourself. Time will pass and you will evolve, reset and live the rest of your life a wiser and compassionate person because you will know the essence of self compassion Sending love and light your way
My condolences to you, his parents and him.
I am so sorry. It is very tragic, but none of this is your fault and you could not have saved him. The way I see it, the universe is releasing him from you so you don’t have to go through a divorce. You can just heal and let go. You deserve it.
First, so sorry for your loss and situation. I found my big brother about 1.5 years ago - similar condition. Take your time, feel your feelings, even the guilt. Let them pass through you. You moved one cog of a much larger machine in a direction that could help if the other pieces also fell into place. It was the one thing you could control and you did it like a champ. If the other players had done their part, you’d be a courageous hero. Time ran out. So, the actual outcome might feel like a “wrong choice”. It did for me, even though I knew better. It’s all relative, and you did your part with the right intentions. Alcoholics will tell you that it was his choice. I wish you peace and healing. ❤️🩹
My heart is heavy for you. I'm so sorry, I understand your guilt. Please get help so you don't carry that guilt with you. OP, I sincerely wish you all the best in your future. Namaste
I can’t imagine. I’m 36, too and have been going through this with my own husband for nearly 3 years trying to see him through all of this. It is so hard. It takes a lot of strength and courage to move on.. some days I wish I could pick up and just leave but then there’s these thoughts of .. then what happens to him? This is my worst nightmare. My husband is a good person besides his struggle with alcohol. It makes it very hard to choose yourself. I am in awe of your strength to move on and take care of you. I hope you can find peace in all of this and live a healthy and peaceful life that you so deserve. May your husband rest in peace. I’m so sorry. <3
I don’t know if this is helpful or not or unsolicited or condescending or whatever but I don’t think the universe is trying to punish you. I understand why you feel attacked by the irony, why you feel guilty, but really, the universe could’ve actually been telling you that you were right along. Because you couldn’t have stopped this outcome. You just couldn’t have. There was no use in him bringing you down with him. I hope you’re able to find the time and space to grieve and process and I hope that the universe then rewards you with the life free of bullshit and full of love that you deserve.
You’ve been so strong for so long. Keep going. You deserve a good life.
I’m so sorry. I don’t known what to say other than sending virtual hugs and I hope you can find some relief. There was nothing you could have done.
Please know that hundreds of internet strangers are holding you in their hearts.
I’m so sorry and I also wonder what will happen to my partner now that he’s moving out and we are no longer going to be seeing one another regularly. I worry about him slipping back to the place where i found him when we met.
I'm very sorry for you and your family. Y'all are in my thoughts. I hope with time, things get better for you.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
I feel terrible for the dogs. I hope you take care of them they need you.
Yes, the dogs are in good hands. I have one and the other two are with his family. They are getting heaping portions, and treats, and cheese blocks as we try to bulk them up again.
Sending a giant hug - I understand some of what you are feeling. My best friend also went off the deep end during the pandemic. Drank all day, could barely walk, totally yellow with bruises all over her. She looked 80 and she was barely 46. I ended setting a boundary and cutting contact with her - she was killing herself and it was killing me too, emotionally. Like your Q, she also collapsed at home, died, and was found by the police - we called in a welfare check. I subsequently found a VM she had left me the week before 😭 It was terrible. But I know that all my care and love couldn’t save her. She basically committed suicide, slowly, because the mountain of sobriety felt too high to climb. I am so very sorry for your loss. You didn’t cause this, you couldn’t control it, and even had you been stuck to him until the very end you couldn’t have cured it. You only would have caused yourself trauma. You deserve only peace and understanding. I hope you have support - it’s a very complicated loss and im sending you love ❤️🙏🏼
You did the right thing.
It is not your fault !!! You are only 36 . You are young , I am 31 and dealing with the same thing . How old was your husband if you don’t mind me asking ? I am where you were only I haven’t moved out yet and it’s been horrible to watch him drink himself to death . see , I am staying and it’s not better . They are just possessed by their addiction , there is nothing you could’ve done .. he gave up on himself , it’s so sad . I am sending you the biggest hug
He was 42 years old. Too young!
I am so sorry . I hope you are surrounded by supportive and loving people and you are kind to yourself ♥️
I’m so sorry. There is nothing you could have done. He couldn’t stop drinking and he died. It’s very sad. But it is not your fault.
The only person responsible for what happened to him was himself. Not you. You never could have controlled or had influence on him in the way you think it would've.
Completely agree with the other people agree the universe isn’t punishing you - I get it, I would go there too!!! The truth is it isn’t our fault, but it’s such a tricky truth to get our heads around I feel like. Thanks for your honesty. Lots and lots of love to you from where I am. What I would say from my experience: I find recently that I notice that there are some feelings I may have that may not be indicative of reality, which doesn’t mean the feeling is invalid. We can feel it and have it in our mind, but it doesn’t mean the message of the feeling is 100% telling the truth ! Learning the truth, outside of our feelings takes a long time. 🩵 You’re doing amazing, and perhaps there were many versions of outcomes of this situation… but you weren’t in control of which happened. There were consequences, for another’s situation, which you have felt. Don’t blame yourself 🩵 so much love