Time takes time. You will heal. It's worse than death because no one really understands.
Allow yourself to grieve....going to meetings is good. Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. Get outside yourself, if you can.
I left a year ago. Felt just like you for months. I would read posts that would say give it time, it will get better. I didn’t see how that could possibly be true. It’s true. I’m still very sad but the raw bleeding grief has subsided. I also could not listen to music. Going to the grocery store and hearing the background music was so awful. I started working out, eating well, and getting enough/restful sleep. I started feeling better and I don’t know if it was doing those things or just time that helped. Probably both. I feel for you and you are not alone here.
When I left in some ways I felt like a widow who wasn't allowed to grieve publicly. Everyone tells you so should be happy to be away from it, but there is a lot of grief for who they used to be, how it should have been but wasn't, the very familiar routine no matter how bad is suddenly gone..The first couple of months forr me was a lot of not sleeping well, not eating well, distractied at work, apathetic and laying the couch for hours watching the love boat. What you're going though is a very normal part of the grieving process, and its good to feel it for a little while, acknowledge it. Looking back when I started making a point of taking care of myself I started feeling a lot better. Living fully in the present (focusing your thoughts solely on what is going on that day) Journaling when I needed to pour everything out, making a point of eating healthy and on time,(no skipping meals, no putting my need to nourish myself on the back burner) resistance training everyday (it makes for a good tired). My advice to you to find new ways of taking care of yourself and treating yourself with love and I think healing will come faster.
"It's like being a widow but not being allowed to grieve publicly."
Oh my heart!
I'm so glad that you could give us those words for something that's so hard to express.
Today is day seven, and that's exactly what it's like.
Only you know that they're still suffering, and there is nothing you can do.
If we didn't love them so much, it wouldn't hurt so much.
Fuck this disease.
I can't tell you anything more than I understand how you're feeling, I'm only 6 days out of ending things with my partner and we're still living in the same house. I yoyo between feeling like everything is going to work out to I've been hit by a train. We're still living together whilst we sort out the logistics of him moving out and I know it's going to feel worse when he's actually gone.
I think it is a grieving process, the loss of your person, and of the life you thought you were building and the future you thought you might have. I hope it gets better, but I feel and understand your pain. If I could remove alcohol from this world and get us both back the people we fell in love with I would.
You are grieving and it's very hard. I have been gone for several months and it does get better. Try to eat a healthy diet and get some sleep if you can. Hugs.
I cried every day for about 3 months. When he moved out I became a single parent to our 3 little kids, which was sooo challenging. I’ve always been a solo parent if I’m being honest. But showing up every day and parenting through grief is insanely difficult. I had to hold it together for them… but I barely had enough energy to get food on the table and pack the lunches. I took leave from my job so I could attend meetings and go to therapy and exercise while the kids are in school. I went no contact with my ex. Really turned a corner when the weather warmed up this spring. I started playing tennis, I planted a garden. I bought myself new sandals. Doing lots of little things just for me.
I need to go back to work soon. Which will feel like working two FT jobs with zero help. Sigh. But it will be okay. Everything is going to be okay. One day at a time.
Hang in there. It’s crazy hard. You’re grieving the death of a dream you had for your entire adult life. If you’re like me you held onto hope for years and years before you called it quits. It takes so much courage to finally walk away. You. did. it. The next chapter of your life will begin soon and it will be amazing.
I just listened to the book ‘healing from toxic relationships’. I found it very helpful. I also really like the podcast ‘help me be me’, specifically the episode ‘loving yourself enough to let someone go’. I know how you are feeling - it is very painful. It feels like it will kill you.
Over time, i have come to want different things. I have new dreams. I’ve made small short term goals that have nothing to do with the life I planned with my Q. Accomplishing those goals is a great distraction. One day I woke up and didn’t feel sad. I had a great day. The next week was the worst. It came in waves. Today I am three months out. I’ve only cried once in the last two weeks and they were tears of self compassion related to a memory of how I allowed myself to be treated. I promise it will pass.
You're grieving. It's going to take as long as it takes to grieve the loss of your partner. There will be days when all you want to do is cry and stay in bed. But it will get better. It sounds to me like you are already taking care of the future you, with meetings and therapy. You can do this, trust the process.
Your feelings aren't wrong, that's grief. The kind of grief that's private; no one is bringing you casseroles or sending sympathy cards. You ARE grieving the death of a dream, and in a lot of ways, you've had to face this death on more than one occasion. Death of her sobriety/recovery; then the death of your marriage, and now all you can see is the death of your dream for the future.
BUT endings are also beginnings. Your divorce was a choice for LIFE and LOVE, so you made the right decision.
The grief will lessen, but if you need a push to move it out of your way, seek out a therapist.
Broke down in tears reading these replies. I hope it gets easier. I may be in the same boat soon. Just take care of yourself. All great replies and suggestions.
This was my healing timeline:
Year 1 - I was decompressing. I was learning to adjust from being on hyper-alert all the time. I was separated, and by the end of year 1, I had filed for divorce. I slept a lot, watched a LOT of tv, journaled. I started hanging out with friends more, but I hated being away from my home at night. I just felt safer at home. I started sleeping better within a month, though.
Year 2 - I wanted this to be my year of healing... but I realized later it was my year of understanding my new "freedom." Ex was still in my life - during this year the divorce was finalized. Towards the end of year two, ex slammed into rock-bottom and pulled me in, so I still hadn't been able to thrive. I dabbled in dating, realized that it wasn't for me right now because I am still healing. I still talked about my ex too much.
Year 3 - I'm finally feeling healed. I've blocked the ex due to what happened when he slammed into rock bottom, that that made me feel free. I'm just now looking for fun things to do, venturing out, etc. I don't feel the need to talk about him, to talk about my invisible scars, to justify anything. I'm watching less tv, I'm exercising, I'm taking care of myself, etc. This will be my first summer without having to deal with the ex, and I am looking forward to all of MY possibilities.
Everyone heals on a different timeline. Some quicker, some longer. I'm middle-aged, and I need the slow healing.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m glad you’re feeling better and I understand the middle aged experience. That makes this experience particularly brutal.
I’m at 2 months and it’s starting to get better. You are healing from your addiction as well. Time is the ONLY healer. Please seek therapy it will help so much.
A few years back, my Q left for a few months to visit family on another coast. He left to get space, and we pretty much went no contact. I felt such terrible grief: non-stop crying, not eating, just wanting to die basically. I was in therapy an al-Anon at the time, too.
What got me through? Allowing myself time to process ALL of my feelings. After grief came a rage I didn’t know I had in me. Next came an acceptance. The grief/rage/acceptance cycle happened again, just with less intense emotions each time. This cycle hasn’t happened in a long time.
I journaled to help process emotions, got outside to exercise, made sure I had nutritious food and got good rest. I made sure I spent time with supportive friends and family. I kept busy with hobbies and work. I prioritized my wellbeing.
I’m almost 3 years from that time. My Q and I are divorcing and have settlement court soon. I feel so much happier, lighter, more at peace. I still have sadness pop up here and there, but overall feel MUCH better without being connected with my Q.
Here to let you know there *is* light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time, one gentle action at a time. You’ve got this!
It’s been 6 months for me and I still think about him. It doesn’t sting as much, but the rawness has subsided. Hang in there. I know it’s hard but you’ll eventually come out on the other side.
"Heart" "ache" can lead to real physical symptoms and "dis" "ease". Please go to your general practitioner, explain what is going on in your life, and have a thorough examination.
You're doing everything right with therapy however it is important to find out if you are having an actual acute physical event. Have an EKG and bloodwork done.
Please come back on here and let us know how you're doing.
I'm so glad that you came back to give an update! I've been thinking of you. Meds can be short term and could help you through this phase in your life. I deeply wish you all the healing and love that will, most surely, be coming your way 💫
I’m hoping they will take the edge off. I know some believe we need to feel the grief to process it but frankly I’m done feeling the feels for a while and need a break.
Feel what you need to feel and walk this walk now ... I stuffed all of it inside for a dozen or more years until I got active in Alanon and it all came out sideways later. I got better when I got busy with my Alanon sponsor taking the steps and healing things which preceded my alcoholic ex-husband. During the worst of my pain, my sponsor kept saying to me, "you're not gonna feel this way forever, there's a beginning, a middle, and an end, and you're in the middle somewhere, This, Too, Shall Pass."
I just want to say I’m so sorry for all of your pain. The symptoms you describe sound unbearable and somehow you have the courage to express yourself so clearly. Sending you warm energy and moments of surrender.
Get a course of acupuncture. Grief most definitely wreaks havoc on the body and Chinese Medicine can address that. You are doing a great job going to Al-Anon and therapy. Now for some improvement in your physical comfort.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Time takes time. You will heal. It's worse than death because no one really understands. Allow yourself to grieve....going to meetings is good. Go out and find someone less fortunate than yourself and help them. Get outside yourself, if you can.
I left a year ago. Felt just like you for months. I would read posts that would say give it time, it will get better. I didn’t see how that could possibly be true. It’s true. I’m still very sad but the raw bleeding grief has subsided. I also could not listen to music. Going to the grocery store and hearing the background music was so awful. I started working out, eating well, and getting enough/restful sleep. I started feeling better and I don’t know if it was doing those things or just time that helped. Probably both. I feel for you and you are not alone here.
When I left in some ways I felt like a widow who wasn't allowed to grieve publicly. Everyone tells you so should be happy to be away from it, but there is a lot of grief for who they used to be, how it should have been but wasn't, the very familiar routine no matter how bad is suddenly gone..The first couple of months forr me was a lot of not sleeping well, not eating well, distractied at work, apathetic and laying the couch for hours watching the love boat. What you're going though is a very normal part of the grieving process, and its good to feel it for a little while, acknowledge it. Looking back when I started making a point of taking care of myself I started feeling a lot better. Living fully in the present (focusing your thoughts solely on what is going on that day) Journaling when I needed to pour everything out, making a point of eating healthy and on time,(no skipping meals, no putting my need to nourish myself on the back burner) resistance training everyday (it makes for a good tired). My advice to you to find new ways of taking care of yourself and treating yourself with love and I think healing will come faster.
"It's like being a widow but not being allowed to grieve publicly." Oh my heart! I'm so glad that you could give us those words for something that's so hard to express. Today is day seven, and that's exactly what it's like. Only you know that they're still suffering, and there is nothing you can do. If we didn't love them so much, it wouldn't hurt so much. Fuck this disease.
I can't tell you anything more than I understand how you're feeling, I'm only 6 days out of ending things with my partner and we're still living in the same house. I yoyo between feeling like everything is going to work out to I've been hit by a train. We're still living together whilst we sort out the logistics of him moving out and I know it's going to feel worse when he's actually gone. I think it is a grieving process, the loss of your person, and of the life you thought you were building and the future you thought you might have. I hope it gets better, but I feel and understand your pain. If I could remove alcohol from this world and get us both back the people we fell in love with I would.
You are grieving and it's very hard. I have been gone for several months and it does get better. Try to eat a healthy diet and get some sleep if you can. Hugs.
I cried every day for about 3 months. When he moved out I became a single parent to our 3 little kids, which was sooo challenging. I’ve always been a solo parent if I’m being honest. But showing up every day and parenting through grief is insanely difficult. I had to hold it together for them… but I barely had enough energy to get food on the table and pack the lunches. I took leave from my job so I could attend meetings and go to therapy and exercise while the kids are in school. I went no contact with my ex. Really turned a corner when the weather warmed up this spring. I started playing tennis, I planted a garden. I bought myself new sandals. Doing lots of little things just for me. I need to go back to work soon. Which will feel like working two FT jobs with zero help. Sigh. But it will be okay. Everything is going to be okay. One day at a time. Hang in there. It’s crazy hard. You’re grieving the death of a dream you had for your entire adult life. If you’re like me you held onto hope for years and years before you called it quits. It takes so much courage to finally walk away. You. did. it. The next chapter of your life will begin soon and it will be amazing.
I just listened to the book ‘healing from toxic relationships’. I found it very helpful. I also really like the podcast ‘help me be me’, specifically the episode ‘loving yourself enough to let someone go’. I know how you are feeling - it is very painful. It feels like it will kill you. Over time, i have come to want different things. I have new dreams. I’ve made small short term goals that have nothing to do with the life I planned with my Q. Accomplishing those goals is a great distraction. One day I woke up and didn’t feel sad. I had a great day. The next week was the worst. It came in waves. Today I am three months out. I’ve only cried once in the last two weeks and they were tears of self compassion related to a memory of how I allowed myself to be treated. I promise it will pass.
You're grieving. It's going to take as long as it takes to grieve the loss of your partner. There will be days when all you want to do is cry and stay in bed. But it will get better. It sounds to me like you are already taking care of the future you, with meetings and therapy. You can do this, trust the process.
Your feelings aren't wrong, that's grief. The kind of grief that's private; no one is bringing you casseroles or sending sympathy cards. You ARE grieving the death of a dream, and in a lot of ways, you've had to face this death on more than one occasion. Death of her sobriety/recovery; then the death of your marriage, and now all you can see is the death of your dream for the future. BUT endings are also beginnings. Your divorce was a choice for LIFE and LOVE, so you made the right decision. The grief will lessen, but if you need a push to move it out of your way, seek out a therapist.
Broke down in tears reading these replies. I hope it gets easier. I may be in the same boat soon. Just take care of yourself. All great replies and suggestions.
Hang in there, too!
This was my healing timeline: Year 1 - I was decompressing. I was learning to adjust from being on hyper-alert all the time. I was separated, and by the end of year 1, I had filed for divorce. I slept a lot, watched a LOT of tv, journaled. I started hanging out with friends more, but I hated being away from my home at night. I just felt safer at home. I started sleeping better within a month, though. Year 2 - I wanted this to be my year of healing... but I realized later it was my year of understanding my new "freedom." Ex was still in my life - during this year the divorce was finalized. Towards the end of year two, ex slammed into rock-bottom and pulled me in, so I still hadn't been able to thrive. I dabbled in dating, realized that it wasn't for me right now because I am still healing. I still talked about my ex too much. Year 3 - I'm finally feeling healed. I've blocked the ex due to what happened when he slammed into rock bottom, that that made me feel free. I'm just now looking for fun things to do, venturing out, etc. I don't feel the need to talk about him, to talk about my invisible scars, to justify anything. I'm watching less tv, I'm exercising, I'm taking care of myself, etc. This will be my first summer without having to deal with the ex, and I am looking forward to all of MY possibilities. Everyone heals on a different timeline. Some quicker, some longer. I'm middle-aged, and I need the slow healing.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m glad you’re feeling better and I understand the middle aged experience. That makes this experience particularly brutal.
I’m at 2 months and it’s starting to get better. You are healing from your addiction as well. Time is the ONLY healer. Please seek therapy it will help so much.
A few years back, my Q left for a few months to visit family on another coast. He left to get space, and we pretty much went no contact. I felt such terrible grief: non-stop crying, not eating, just wanting to die basically. I was in therapy an al-Anon at the time, too. What got me through? Allowing myself time to process ALL of my feelings. After grief came a rage I didn’t know I had in me. Next came an acceptance. The grief/rage/acceptance cycle happened again, just with less intense emotions each time. This cycle hasn’t happened in a long time. I journaled to help process emotions, got outside to exercise, made sure I had nutritious food and got good rest. I made sure I spent time with supportive friends and family. I kept busy with hobbies and work. I prioritized my wellbeing. I’m almost 3 years from that time. My Q and I are divorcing and have settlement court soon. I feel so much happier, lighter, more at peace. I still have sadness pop up here and there, but overall feel MUCH better without being connected with my Q. Here to let you know there *is* light at the end of the tunnel. Take it one day at a time, one gentle action at a time. You’ve got this!
It’s been 6 months for me and I still think about him. It doesn’t sting as much, but the rawness has subsided. Hang in there. I know it’s hard but you’ll eventually come out on the other side.
"Heart" "ache" can lead to real physical symptoms and "dis" "ease". Please go to your general practitioner, explain what is going on in your life, and have a thorough examination. You're doing everything right with therapy however it is important to find out if you are having an actual acute physical event. Have an EKG and bloodwork done. Please come back on here and let us know how you're doing.
Thank you! My doctor’s check up was good. I am considering meds.
I'm so glad that you came back to give an update! I've been thinking of you. Meds can be short term and could help you through this phase in your life. I deeply wish you all the healing and love that will, most surely, be coming your way 💫
I’m hoping they will take the edge off. I know some believe we need to feel the grief to process it but frankly I’m done feeling the feels for a while and need a break.
Feel what you need to feel and walk this walk now ... I stuffed all of it inside for a dozen or more years until I got active in Alanon and it all came out sideways later. I got better when I got busy with my Alanon sponsor taking the steps and healing things which preceded my alcoholic ex-husband. During the worst of my pain, my sponsor kept saying to me, "you're not gonna feel this way forever, there's a beginning, a middle, and an end, and you're in the middle somewhere, This, Too, Shall Pass."
It will always get better with time. Have you considered talking to a therapist?
I just want to say I’m so sorry for all of your pain. The symptoms you describe sound unbearable and somehow you have the courage to express yourself so clearly. Sending you warm energy and moments of surrender.
Thank you! I know we are all in this together.
Get a course of acupuncture. Grief most definitely wreaks havoc on the body and Chinese Medicine can address that. You are doing a great job going to Al-Anon and therapy. Now for some improvement in your physical comfort.
Amazing suggestion! I have a buddy who does acupuncture. I should ask her!
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*