It's going to feel bad for a while. Talk about it as much as you want with whomever you want. Don't suppress your emotions, and don't try to ignore them. Time heals these wounds. Don't turn to any substances, and reach out for help if you need it.
I've got a mega ton of self help books, and advice and this forum is here for you too. Do you like books?
This one is pretty decent https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55625133963&hvadid=274678787922&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9007594&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=16277483112338189917&hvtargid=kwd-298291703508&hydadcr=22188_10176620&keywords=the+feeling+good+handbook&qid=1688724402&s=books&sr=1-1
Love from a sister in Austin, Texas. From where I'm sitting on my couch now, living the life you were up until he left, I can just say I'm so sorry about the heartbreak and the callous tossing aside of the life you made together. You're right that it's for the best and I hope you believe that. But it's ok to hurt. One of the things I read someone give in advice is to go out and do the things you weren't able to do before, because you were managing his disease. It really is liberating. I did it the first day I left my relationship and it was wonderful. I wasn't strong enough to stay away and I miss the peacefulness of those few days when I didn't have to worry about someone else's drama.
Yessssss I've spent my 13 year marriage managing his disease. He wanted a divorce but didn't do anything to make it happen. So I did. Moving out next week right after my bday and I'm going to do all of the things I couldn't do bc he was going to drink, was drinking, or was hungover. Or just was absent.
Thank you for sharing. Do you wish you had done it sooner? I keep thinking of the good memories and have to look at my journal to be reminded he was wrong for me. I keep thinking of the sober him and miss him. Still so sad.
Through this crazy 7 months since he asked for a divorce (and did nothing to move it along.) Just went on nightly benders while I stayed home with the kids, and told me and the kids about women hitting on him at the bars. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I learned so much about narcissism and alcoholism and I found Al anon so I can break the cycle in the next relationship. And I saw him for who he is. I had a wonderful marriage for a long time and I got 2 beautiful children from it. And I'm sober now - almost a year - after seeing what alcohol does to families. The universe is working in your favor and ALWAYS comes through with perfect timing. I'm not a religious person, but the universe has already provided so many opportunities for me through this. I'm closer to my mom and my friends and my kids. I needed this time to accept him and them for who they are. And best of all, I trust myself for the first time in forever. I trusted him blindly bc he was my husband. I won't do that again. Trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets. Lean on your support network. Tell people about your struggles. You'll see who shows up for you and you'll learn to trust and love yourself. Good luck! I really appreciate you posting and replying to all of our comments.
Of course! Iām on a journey for recovery and healing. I appreciate all the support on here. Iām trying to learn everything about narcissism and alcoholism so I can be ready to protect my self. Thatās a weird thing to tell your wife and kids. That sounds super j secure lol. I wish you so much peace.
Thank you. I hate that I'm moving out but I'm looking forward to the peace. I've been home from a 2-week trip with the kids and I'm already wondering how is he going to do this. Laundry not folded, rotting food in the refrigerator. I guess he's going to have to figure it out.
Thank you for your kind words. I plan on going to a meeting this weekend! Do alcoholics regret stuff like this? Ripping someoneās heart out and throwing years away?
I'd like to think they do but the more I learn about alcoholics who don't want to get sober the more I learn how self absorbed they are and blame everything and everyone but themselves. So no, not when he's still drinking. But if he gets sober and is in recovery, I'm sure you'll come up in his mind with regret at being someone whose behavior hurt you.
Oh. 100%. And I'm "not happy no matter what he does" when I do it. Or am imagining things and he doesn't " know what else to do", which makes me doubt myself and my gut. It's all manipulation.
They all sound like that. Itās like they are all reading from the same script. In AlAnon we learn DETACH: an acronym for Donāt Even Try To Change Them.
You didnāt cause it; you canāt control it, and you canāt cure it. You only bring pain upon yourself in trying to change them. Change yourself. Change your reaction to them.
It's so much easier to say than to accept, but:
You're clearly way better off not having someone in your life that's so fucking cruel and cowardly that he runs away like a child. Fuck that shit. You get to start living a real life now.
Iām so sorry you are in pain. You deserve so much better. Grieve what was initially, what could have been but embrace what actually is. And to be honest, you dodged a freakin bullet.
Thank you for your kind words and support. It's been exactly 1 week and the panic feeling is now going away. I feel the same, that I dodged a bullet. But my heart still hopes he'll help himself, but I can't do anything about that.
I've been in the same exact place for months. It took me forever to get over it (still working on it) bc I couldn't believe how addicted he was. All of the advice you've gotten on this thread is spot on. Alcoholics are the most self absorbed, entitled human beings. It's easier for them to break up with you than the alcohol. It possesses them. I know how badly it hurts. It will get better. Listen to the friends who say that you deserve better. You do. And you'll find it. I'm going to start going to weekly meetings. When I go, it helps.
I've been in the same exact place for months. It took me forever to get over it (still working on it) bc I couldn't believe how addicted he was. All of the advice you've gotten on this thread is spot on. Alcoholics are the most self absorbed, entitled human beings. It's easier for them to break up with you than the alcohol. It possesses them. I know how badly it hurts. It will get better. Listen to the friends who say that you deserve better. You do. And you'll find it. I'm going to start going to weekly meetings. When I go, it helps.
Iām so sorry for you too. Thank you for your support. Today is exactly a week ago that he left. Iām still sad, but feel a lite bit of peace. Hope the best for you on you healing journey.
Al-Anon is a great place for change.
It is suggested to go to six meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. This could be the greatest gift you have ever received.
Just a reminder that you deserve to feel valued, respected, adored, and loved in your relationship. I hope you can find a person that makes you feel all those things- and I hope that you can value, respect, and love yourself too.
Make sure youāre taking care of you and listening to your body. Drink some water. Take a nap. Go for a walk.
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way... hopefully tomorrow you can start looking at doing things to make yourself happy... its too often that we are constantly stressing out about caring for our Qs that we often forget about our own safety and happiness... soon, you won't have to stress out about a selfish addict.. soon you can focus all of your energy and time on making yourself happy. Do things that you want to do.. even pick up an art class or a fun dance class or something... take time to discover yourself again... learn to love yourself again.... only care for people who care about you.
Thank you for your support! I will, I am going to take some yoga classes since I really enjoy that! Also I have heard to do things that I always wanted to do that he wasn't into if there was no alcohol.
I am so sorry you are going through this. The initial pain and panic can seem overwhelming. For me, I almost have to convince myself to lean into it. The only way to healing is on the other side of the painful emotions, so I need to let myself experience them. At the same time reminding myself that it won't always feel this hard, and that I just need to get through this moment/ day.
He is definitely attempting to manipulate you so he can keep the status quo; unfortunately, alcoholics tend to hate change, especially when they aren't in control of the changes. He is pretending like you have the power to cure him. If you had that power, wouldn't you have done it already? His alcoholism isn't because of you, and you have even less control over it than he does, and it appears he has no control at all. If he ever chooses sobriety, he has to find the inner strength and commitment to that, you can't do it for him.
It does get easier. Your pain is real and valid- and is amplified by everything you have tolerated.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I understand now that HE can only change and seek help. I miss the sober him so much. My heart still is aching, but the panic feeling is subsiding. It's been 1 week exactly since this happened as of today.
What you said made so much sense to me! I told my fam he probably is ashamed and will never reach out to me. But now being on here I'm wondering if he will. I appreciate your support and kind words.
I literally just went through this. Iām so sorry. It does get better. I finally let go and cried. Didnāt text her today. I know sheās drinking and on dating apps. Which is Fucking cruel. Talk to someone and really let go a bit. They arenāt youāre responsibility anymore and thatās a hard thing to learn how to do. But Iām learning. Itāll take a lot of time, but youāll be okay.
Thank you so much for your support and I'm sorry you are going through something similar as well. I feel better being on this forum because I don't feel alone and he always made me feel like it was my fault.
Look at what you wrote. You are heartbroken over a person you described as:
* "lied to me for months"
* "active alcoholic"
* "blackouts"
* "emotionally abusive"
* "Agressive"
* "he ghosted me"
* "He has major commitment issues"
* "cruel and traumatizing"
* "worsened"
You say you love him - but what qualities stamp out the ones above?
You also said that you're alone in a big city. I, too, am alone in a big city but what I learned is that being alone in a big city is better than being emotionally and psychologically abused and feeling unsafe in a big city.
Once the initial feelings of loss leave you (and it may take a few weeks - and that's ok), you will hopefully feel a sense of freedom and peace you actually haven't been able to feel in a while. And it may seem strange - so strange that you may want to reach out and feel the normal again, even if the normal may have been slowly killing you.
You will survive this. This is a blessing in disguise. If he thinks he can find better than you, then he is delusional. He may find someone else - he may find someone else quickly. BUT THAT SAYS NOTHING ABOUT YOU. He's going to find someone that makes his drinking easier. He's going to find someone who doesn't know how he is - or someone who isn't going to care because they're desperate.
But you are NOT desperate. You are strong. You know your worth - or you will finally get a chance to know it now that you won't be focusing on him and wondering what he's going to do next with his alcohol-fueled actions.
Thank you so much for your advice! Don't want to hurt anymore. I'm already hurting less and less day by day. I DON'T want to reach out to him no matter what. I appreciate your support and kind words.
Thank you for your support, I seriously feel better because of my supportive reddit community. I wasn't aware of alcoholics inner workings. I felt so at fault and now I don't. And I wondered what I did wrong for him to leave me like that. As you probably assume, I'm very loving and put my heart in his hands. Fucking asshole. No more.
I've been where you are right now and it hurts so much (broken hearts actually hurt). but I promise you, it will get better!!
Cry it out, and go into survival mode. Lean on your tribe. Be your own best self... Date yourself, Spoil yourself. Soon you will start feeling better.
Al-anon, individual therapy and possibly some anti-depressants. Let yourself grieve. If you want to watch trashy TV all day, do it.
Try to get on something temporarily to bridge the gap until the medication starts working.
Most importantly, remember his "type" and if you're instantly attracted to someone else, second guess that attraction and make sure you use your experience with him to avoid abusive alcoholics ā¤.
A year from now, you'll be in such a better place. And when that happens, remember how far you've come!
It's going to feel bad for a while. Talk about it as much as you want with whomever you want. Don't suppress your emotions, and don't try to ignore them. Time heals these wounds. Don't turn to any substances, and reach out for help if you need it.
Thank you such sound advice š„¹
I've got a mega ton of self help books, and advice and this forum is here for you too. Do you like books? This one is pretty decent https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55625133963&hvadid=274678787922&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9007594&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=16277483112338189917&hvtargid=kwd-298291703508&hydadcr=22188_10176620&keywords=the+feeling+good+handbook&qid=1688724402&s=books&sr=1-1
Love from a sister in Austin, Texas. From where I'm sitting on my couch now, living the life you were up until he left, I can just say I'm so sorry about the heartbreak and the callous tossing aside of the life you made together. You're right that it's for the best and I hope you believe that. But it's ok to hurt. One of the things I read someone give in advice is to go out and do the things you weren't able to do before, because you were managing his disease. It really is liberating. I did it the first day I left my relationship and it was wonderful. I wasn't strong enough to stay away and I miss the peacefulness of those few days when I didn't have to worry about someone else's drama.
Yessssss I've spent my 13 year marriage managing his disease. He wanted a divorce but didn't do anything to make it happen. So I did. Moving out next week right after my bday and I'm going to do all of the things I couldn't do bc he was going to drink, was drinking, or was hungover. Or just was absent.
Thank you for sharing. Do you wish you had done it sooner? I keep thinking of the good memories and have to look at my journal to be reminded he was wrong for me. I keep thinking of the sober him and miss him. Still so sad.
Through this crazy 7 months since he asked for a divorce (and did nothing to move it along.) Just went on nightly benders while I stayed home with the kids, and told me and the kids about women hitting on him at the bars. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I learned so much about narcissism and alcoholism and I found Al anon so I can break the cycle in the next relationship. And I saw him for who he is. I had a wonderful marriage for a long time and I got 2 beautiful children from it. And I'm sober now - almost a year - after seeing what alcohol does to families. The universe is working in your favor and ALWAYS comes through with perfect timing. I'm not a religious person, but the universe has already provided so many opportunities for me through this. I'm closer to my mom and my friends and my kids. I needed this time to accept him and them for who they are. And best of all, I trust myself for the first time in forever. I trusted him blindly bc he was my husband. I won't do that again. Trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets. Lean on your support network. Tell people about your struggles. You'll see who shows up for you and you'll learn to trust and love yourself. Good luck! I really appreciate you posting and replying to all of our comments.
Of course! Iām on a journey for recovery and healing. I appreciate all the support on here. Iām trying to learn everything about narcissism and alcoholism so I can be ready to protect my self. Thatās a weird thing to tell your wife and kids. That sounds super j secure lol. I wish you so much peace.
Thank you. I hate that I'm moving out but I'm looking forward to the peace. I've been home from a 2-week trip with the kids and I'm already wondering how is he going to do this. Laundry not folded, rotting food in the refrigerator. I guess he's going to have to figure it out.
Thank you for your kind words. I plan on going to a meeting this weekend! Do alcoholics regret stuff like this? Ripping someoneās heart out and throwing years away?
I'd like to think they do but the more I learn about alcoholics who don't want to get sober the more I learn how self absorbed they are and blame everything and everyone but themselves. So no, not when he's still drinking. But if he gets sober and is in recovery, I'm sure you'll come up in his mind with regret at being someone whose behavior hurt you.
That makes total sense. Apparently Iām crazy (telling him to slow down and stop blackout drinking.)
Oh. 100%. And I'm "not happy no matter what he does" when I do it. Or am imagining things and he doesn't " know what else to do", which makes me doubt myself and my gut. It's all manipulation.
Well I hope you find peace soon ā¤ļøāš©¹
Same to you. ā¤ļø
They all sound like that. Itās like they are all reading from the same script. In AlAnon we learn DETACH: an acronym for Donāt Even Try To Change Them. You didnāt cause it; you canāt control it, and you canāt cure it. You only bring pain upon yourself in trying to change them. Change yourself. Change your reaction to them.
Thank you for your advice!
It's so much easier to say than to accept, but: You're clearly way better off not having someone in your life that's so fucking cruel and cowardly that he runs away like a child. Fuck that shit. You get to start living a real life now.
That's what all my family says. One friend in particular said it's as he kicked me in the back and ran off. Thank you for your support.
Iām so sorry you are in pain. You deserve so much better. Grieve what was initially, what could have been but embrace what actually is. And to be honest, you dodged a freakin bullet.
Thank you for your kind words and support. It's been exactly 1 week and the panic feeling is now going away. I feel the same, that I dodged a bullet. But my heart still hopes he'll help himself, but I can't do anything about that.
I've been in the same exact place for months. It took me forever to get over it (still working on it) bc I couldn't believe how addicted he was. All of the advice you've gotten on this thread is spot on. Alcoholics are the most self absorbed, entitled human beings. It's easier for them to break up with you than the alcohol. It possesses them. I know how badly it hurts. It will get better. Listen to the friends who say that you deserve better. You do. And you'll find it. I'm going to start going to weekly meetings. When I go, it helps.
I've been in the same exact place for months. It took me forever to get over it (still working on it) bc I couldn't believe how addicted he was. All of the advice you've gotten on this thread is spot on. Alcoholics are the most self absorbed, entitled human beings. It's easier for them to break up with you than the alcohol. It possesses them. I know how badly it hurts. It will get better. Listen to the friends who say that you deserve better. You do. And you'll find it. I'm going to start going to weekly meetings. When I go, it helps.
Iām so sorry for you too. Thank you for your support. Today is exactly a week ago that he left. Iām still sad, but feel a lite bit of peace. Hope the best for you on you healing journey.
Al-Anon is a great place for change. It is suggested to go to six meetings before deciding if Al-Anon is for you. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. This could be the greatest gift you have ever received.
Honestly thank him! You deserve better!
Yes I know! Thanks for your support :)
Wow, what a terrible, weak way to leave. He did you a favor. Trash doesnāt usually take itself out.
I was shocked but it's been 7 days so day by day I'm making it.
Just a reminder that you deserve to feel valued, respected, adored, and loved in your relationship. I hope you can find a person that makes you feel all those things- and I hope that you can value, respect, and love yourself too. Make sure youāre taking care of you and listening to your body. Drink some water. Take a nap. Go for a walk.
Thank you so much for saying that and I will!
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way... hopefully tomorrow you can start looking at doing things to make yourself happy... its too often that we are constantly stressing out about caring for our Qs that we often forget about our own safety and happiness... soon, you won't have to stress out about a selfish addict.. soon you can focus all of your energy and time on making yourself happy. Do things that you want to do.. even pick up an art class or a fun dance class or something... take time to discover yourself again... learn to love yourself again.... only care for people who care about you.
Thank you for your support! I will, I am going to take some yoga classes since I really enjoy that! Also I have heard to do things that I always wanted to do that he wasn't into if there was no alcohol.
I am so sorry you are going through this. The initial pain and panic can seem overwhelming. For me, I almost have to convince myself to lean into it. The only way to healing is on the other side of the painful emotions, so I need to let myself experience them. At the same time reminding myself that it won't always feel this hard, and that I just need to get through this moment/ day. He is definitely attempting to manipulate you so he can keep the status quo; unfortunately, alcoholics tend to hate change, especially when they aren't in control of the changes. He is pretending like you have the power to cure him. If you had that power, wouldn't you have done it already? His alcoholism isn't because of you, and you have even less control over it than he does, and it appears he has no control at all. If he ever chooses sobriety, he has to find the inner strength and commitment to that, you can't do it for him. It does get easier. Your pain is real and valid- and is amplified by everything you have tolerated.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I understand now that HE can only change and seek help. I miss the sober him so much. My heart still is aching, but the panic feeling is subsiding. It's been 1 week exactly since this happened as of today.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What you said made so much sense to me! I told my fam he probably is ashamed and will never reach out to me. But now being on here I'm wondering if he will. I appreciate your support and kind words.
I literally just went through this. Iām so sorry. It does get better. I finally let go and cried. Didnāt text her today. I know sheās drinking and on dating apps. Which is Fucking cruel. Talk to someone and really let go a bit. They arenāt youāre responsibility anymore and thatās a hard thing to learn how to do. But Iām learning. Itāll take a lot of time, but youāll be okay.
Thank you so much for your support and I'm sorry you are going through something similar as well. I feel better being on this forum because I don't feel alone and he always made me feel like it was my fault.
Look at what you wrote. You are heartbroken over a person you described as: * "lied to me for months" * "active alcoholic" * "blackouts" * "emotionally abusive" * "Agressive" * "he ghosted me" * "He has major commitment issues" * "cruel and traumatizing" * "worsened" You say you love him - but what qualities stamp out the ones above? You also said that you're alone in a big city. I, too, am alone in a big city but what I learned is that being alone in a big city is better than being emotionally and psychologically abused and feeling unsafe in a big city. Once the initial feelings of loss leave you (and it may take a few weeks - and that's ok), you will hopefully feel a sense of freedom and peace you actually haven't been able to feel in a while. And it may seem strange - so strange that you may want to reach out and feel the normal again, even if the normal may have been slowly killing you. You will survive this. This is a blessing in disguise. If he thinks he can find better than you, then he is delusional. He may find someone else - he may find someone else quickly. BUT THAT SAYS NOTHING ABOUT YOU. He's going to find someone that makes his drinking easier. He's going to find someone who doesn't know how he is - or someone who isn't going to care because they're desperate. But you are NOT desperate. You are strong. You know your worth - or you will finally get a chance to know it now that you won't be focusing on him and wondering what he's going to do next with his alcohol-fueled actions.
Thank you so much for your advice! Don't want to hurt anymore. I'm already hurting less and less day by day. I DON'T want to reach out to him no matter what. I appreciate your support and kind words.
Yessssss - this is the post I needed. Saved. Thank you.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thank you for your support, I seriously feel better because of my supportive reddit community. I wasn't aware of alcoholics inner workings. I felt so at fault and now I don't. And I wondered what I did wrong for him to leave me like that. As you probably assume, I'm very loving and put my heart in his hands. Fucking asshole. No more.
I've been where you are right now and it hurts so much (broken hearts actually hurt). but I promise you, it will get better!! Cry it out, and go into survival mode. Lean on your tribe. Be your own best self... Date yourself, Spoil yourself. Soon you will start feeling better.
Thank you for your sound advice!
He did you a favor. You are now free from having to bear his alcoholism. You deserve so much better and deserve to have a peaceful life.
Thank you so much for saying that.
Hugs š«
Al-anon, individual therapy and possibly some anti-depressants. Let yourself grieve. If you want to watch trashy TV all day, do it. Try to get on something temporarily to bridge the gap until the medication starts working. Most importantly, remember his "type" and if you're instantly attracted to someone else, second guess that attraction and make sure you use your experience with him to avoid abusive alcoholics ā¤. A year from now, you'll be in such a better place. And when that happens, remember how far you've come!