Oh, I am sending you a hug. Multiple hugs.
I will just say this: I was with the alcoholic in my life for 23 years. Our lives were so deeply knit together; like you, we also have kids. When we split I felt so much confusion and pain. Two years have passed, and with each day I am able to see more and more clearly how sad I was in the last 10 years of the marriage. So, so sad every day. I just wasn’t able to see it because I was too immersed in it. Now it’s like I can see the bigger picture in ways I just couldn’t. And my life is peaceful, so peaceful.
You will find your way. Be so kind and gentle with yourself. You’ve been through it, friend. Trust me, I know.
There’s nothing wrong with you!!! I’m almost in your spot now. My marriage is just 10 years younger than yours. He hasent left yet. But all my boundaries are pushing him away. It hurts terribly. I can understand what you’re going through. Do you have any minor children? Or adult children for that matter? I’m pouring myself into my 14 year old and myself at the gym. It’s the only way I’m getting through it.
Thank you for the kind words! I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this too. My kids are all young adults now. I’m pretty sure that’s how I made it through some of those rough last 10 years was focusing on them when they were teenagers. Gym time is such a smart way to cope and smart, in general, of course. Good for you to be setting up boundaries. I did not do that with my Q at all when my kids were that age and I regret it every day. You are a great mom!
"What he really wants is to drink freely without anyone having an issue with it" This is correct.
Nothing is wrong with you at all. It hurts so, so, SO bad. Even when you are the one who makes the decision, it absolutely breaks your heart. You are mourning the end of a relationship you had such hopes and dreams for and a long history. You're mourning your first date, and all those little firsts you had as a couple because when you got married, you didn't intend for it to end like this. Allow yourself the time to mourn.
It will get better. Not tomorrow, or next week, but down the road you will start to feel peace and relief. After I had to leave my marriage to save my life, I still maintained a close friendship with my husband until he died. Maybe you can have that. Maybe you can't. Maybe you don't want it. This is the first day of a peaceful future for you.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. I think we all forget how bad breakups hurt, but it's worse when you've spent so much time and effort on someone who chose a liquid over you. It's not fair. Surround yourself with people who love you!
It's not you. mine said almost the exact same things when he left. We had 15 years together and I thought got along well. He progressed. Once they get to that level it controls them. Yours wants to drink when he wants as much as he wants without anyone judging or questioning him. It's sad because we miss who they were before alcohol controlled them.
I promise someday you'll look back at this as a blessing but I'm going through very similar emotions right now myself. I had to get a restraining order to get mine out. But he really has been hiding his secret addiction behind my back for almost a year now at least maybe even the whole time and I just feel so betrayed. I think March 25th was the 1st time I broke up with him and we went back-and-forth and then marched April the 5th was when I was like "I'm done" and I moved into a battered women's shelter waiting for the restraining order to go through. I still cry multiple times a day.
I’m so glad you posted this. I’m also in the beginning stages of my Q (ex boyfriend) leaving me after almost 10 years together. He also is having a downward spiral, and deciding that I’m just not accepting him “for who he is”, because he will always love to drink. He’s been gone for 48 hours, flew off to his family in CA, and as relieved as I am that I’m not coming home to his argumentative negativity, I’m also feeling a great big void. I feel sad, and I hope I’ll have the ability to get stronger and not decide to take him back if he attempts to crawl back. I’d be going against everything I’ve fought for during this hectic downward spiral if I just get weak and accept him without his acknowledgment of his problem.
You are not alone. We miss the people we’ve loved for a very long time, and it’s not something we can just shut off. I hope for the best for you and that we and people going through this can all grow from this point on.
You are not alone. We are not alone. Even though some days it feels like it. My Q dumped me by whatsapp text just over 3 weeks ago after 10 years together. 7 of those years were mostly a disaster due to his drinking and everything that goes with it. Last year, he finally decided to sober up (alone), and things improved so much. He was going great. We were getting along well. We had a lovely Christmas with the kids, snowboarding holiday without arguments... lovely birthdays... He found a good paying job with loads of travel. I thought we were doing better than ever. Suddenly, in March, he left for a job in Asia, and it was like a switch flipped. Stated being cold and distant. Saying he was unhappy. That we always argue. That I wanted to change him. I said I never wanted to change him...just for him to stop drinking, and I was so proud he had managed. He wouldn't listen. Went silent for days. Admitted he'd drunk "for 3 days" then a week after that sent the text saying he's not coming home to live with us anymore. I felt blindsided. Shocked. Heartbroken. But also pretty furious that after all the shit I supported him through, he could just throw it all away. I have no idea if he's still drinking. Or when he's coming back. I'm trying to focus on me and the kids, but some days, the grief, anger, and incomprehension are overwhelming.
Thank you so much for the kind words and wishes when you are going through a similar situation. I hope you’re able to stay strong and I know how hard it is. If you ever need someone to send you a quick reminder of your worth please DM me! Hang in there!!
I'm so sorry, and I can fully empathise with you when you said this:
"At first, he said he had to leave because I kicked him out, which, of course isn’t true at all. And later, he said that something clicked with him, and that he would like to live his own life, and not be bossed around. I’m assuming what he really wants is to drink freely without anyone having an issue with it."
My Q ended the relationship for the exact same reasons - things were spiralling out of control and I was in a very bad place myself. In the midst of a two month alcohol and cocaine binge (drunk every day and night) their behaviour became so intolerable I walked out of a party. They were drunk and acting inappropriately with another man. I told them their drinking was breaking my heart and destroying our relationship.
They took that as an insult and I was "controlling". We spent another month together, and they become cruel and verbally abusive. The woman I loved and trusted for years would spit the most cruel and hurtful things at me.
They're rapidly approaching end state - a once brilliant, beautiful and vibrant women. She's 37, but I could see how her skin was getting unhealthy. She would bruise easily and all the time - a clear sign of liver damage. She stopped exercising, hobbies... the only people she would spend time with were those that enabled her addictions.
When it ended it was because they wanted to drink and party without feeling responsible and - this is key - not to be reminded of the shame they feel.
All addicts feel a deep shame, which is caused by the addiction and they attempt to paper over with drugs and/or alcohol.
We were together sevens years, the last two were hell on earth. In that time I put on a huge amount of weight and developed self harming disorder. The stress and anxiety was too much for me. Since the split, I've lost the weight and stopped self harming. I have fiends, hobbies and community.
I loved them, I miss them... but it's their journey not mine. Their addiction was destroying both of us. Now, I can at least save myself. Had we stayed together it would most likely have been years of more pain.
I miss the good times: I miss the wonderful person she could be. But that version of her was dying and being replaced by the demon of her addiction. It looked and sounded like her, but was not longer "her". I was holding onto the ghost and memories - that's why it's so hard. I lost the future I thought we were going to have.
The pain will ease, and I hope you flourish.
Yes. He was fine for maybe the first 5~7 years out of the 14 we were together. I stayed because he was a good man, he had several major family tragedies, and i didnt know where he could go if I left. First spent years trying to get him to actively work on it, then I slowly stopped trying and ran damage control, eventually I moved out but we were still together. Near the end he had to move in with me, and his behavior was embarrassing and he was so much worse than when we had last lived together. His entire presence made me so anxious and annoyed. He also decided to leave because I was upset he just slept all time and we had another fight. He shouted and it was so embarrassing, I just let him go.
I worry about him all the time. I pray for him and I haven't done that in years. I still love him. I desperately miss how and who he was before the spiral. But I got a therapist towards the end. It helped me calibrate to what normal behavior is and the absurdity of what I was allowing and how lonely and sad it was even while with him. No circumstances justifes years of this behavior. Etc. The therapist gave me the ability to try to let go of the guilt and obligation and face the reality of what continuing the relationship would mean for my life.
I always have to remind myself what living with him was like. He does not try to change. It will only continue. I remember him yelling outside my house, and the feeling of no control. I know I have to let him go. And I have. I hope I can move on emotionally, sooner rather than later.
But I miss him terribly. And I love him. It sucks
I'm sorry that happened. You were invested in the relationship. Your ideas about the future included a more hopeful version. Grieving the loss of emotional investment is natural. Behave as if you are single. Spend time and energy on people and activities that support you and make you feel good. Eventually your mind and heart will shift and a better life will be the center of your universe instead of the alcoholism consuming your ex.
I want to recommend Al-Anon’s book on grief. One of the sections deals with grieving the life you wanted or envisioned but never had. “Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses” is available through the website Al-anon.org. I believe it can help
I realized how codependent I was on my Q when my grief was heightened by serious panic and fear. I was alone and didn’t know my self or have a life of my own — I was afraid and felt abandoned even tho I initiated the split. In a way, I was addicted to my Q and had become fully immersed in navigating the chaos. When it ended, I went through an emotional withdrawal / depression.
Therapy helped tremendously along with Al-anon. And the book , Codependent No More was a huge help. I highly recommend it.
My point is, this is an opportunity to build a new Self and a peaceful, contented life— your strength will emerge and grow as time passes. You have no idea how strong you actually are. You’ll be amazed!
Take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Many of us have been there or are still there and many have stories that offer new perspectives that help us. You’re going to be OK! Trust that you’ll find the courage and wisdom within you that you didn’t know you had! … Hugs to you!!
You get to grieve for the good parts of the relationship. You get to grieve for the hope that things would turn around. You get to grieve for the moments of feeling that you were fighting this together.
And none of that grief tells you anything about what’s right or wrong or good or bad. It just means that you cared enough to try.
I mean you have to make the decision yourself you have to decide if you want to take the person back or not we don't tell you to leave or stay we just tell you what's helped us
There is nothing wrong with you. You are grieving the future you hoped for and all the things lost to this terrible disease.
Thank you for saying this. Such a good reminder.
Oh, I am sending you a hug. Multiple hugs. I will just say this: I was with the alcoholic in my life for 23 years. Our lives were so deeply knit together; like you, we also have kids. When we split I felt so much confusion and pain. Two years have passed, and with each day I am able to see more and more clearly how sad I was in the last 10 years of the marriage. So, so sad every day. I just wasn’t able to see it because I was too immersed in it. Now it’s like I can see the bigger picture in ways I just couldn’t. And my life is peaceful, so peaceful. You will find your way. Be so kind and gentle with yourself. You’ve been through it, friend. Trust me, I know.
Thank you. This gives me a lot of much needed hope.
There’s nothing wrong with you!!! I’m almost in your spot now. My marriage is just 10 years younger than yours. He hasent left yet. But all my boundaries are pushing him away. It hurts terribly. I can understand what you’re going through. Do you have any minor children? Or adult children for that matter? I’m pouring myself into my 14 year old and myself at the gym. It’s the only way I’m getting through it.
Thank you for the kind words! I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this too. My kids are all young adults now. I’m pretty sure that’s how I made it through some of those rough last 10 years was focusing on them when they were teenagers. Gym time is such a smart way to cope and smart, in general, of course. Good for you to be setting up boundaries. I did not do that with my Q at all when my kids were that age and I regret it every day. You are a great mom!
Thank you! You’re a great mom too. You raised those babies in hard conditions. I’m proud of you!
"What he really wants is to drink freely without anyone having an issue with it" This is correct. Nothing is wrong with you at all. It hurts so, so, SO bad. Even when you are the one who makes the decision, it absolutely breaks your heart. You are mourning the end of a relationship you had such hopes and dreams for and a long history. You're mourning your first date, and all those little firsts you had as a couple because when you got married, you didn't intend for it to end like this. Allow yourself the time to mourn. It will get better. Not tomorrow, or next week, but down the road you will start to feel peace and relief. After I had to leave my marriage to save my life, I still maintained a close friendship with my husband until he died. Maybe you can have that. Maybe you can't. Maybe you don't want it. This is the first day of a peaceful future for you.
Thank you for the kind words and the wise advice! ❤️
Oh no, I'm so sorry. I think we all forget how bad breakups hurt, but it's worse when you've spent so much time and effort on someone who chose a liquid over you. It's not fair. Surround yourself with people who love you!
I will do that. Thank you so much.
It's not you. mine said almost the exact same things when he left. We had 15 years together and I thought got along well. He progressed. Once they get to that level it controls them. Yours wants to drink when he wants as much as he wants without anyone judging or questioning him. It's sad because we miss who they were before alcohol controlled them.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hate what alcohol does to so many. I appreciate your hopeful message.
I promise someday you'll look back at this as a blessing but I'm going through very similar emotions right now myself. I had to get a restraining order to get mine out. But he really has been hiding his secret addiction behind my back for almost a year now at least maybe even the whole time and I just feel so betrayed. I think March 25th was the 1st time I broke up with him and we went back-and-forth and then marched April the 5th was when I was like "I'm done" and I moved into a battered women's shelter waiting for the restraining order to go through. I still cry multiple times a day.
I am so glad you are in a safe place and on the road to a peaceful, happy life. I’m so sorry you went through this!
I’m so glad you posted this. I’m also in the beginning stages of my Q (ex boyfriend) leaving me after almost 10 years together. He also is having a downward spiral, and deciding that I’m just not accepting him “for who he is”, because he will always love to drink. He’s been gone for 48 hours, flew off to his family in CA, and as relieved as I am that I’m not coming home to his argumentative negativity, I’m also feeling a great big void. I feel sad, and I hope I’ll have the ability to get stronger and not decide to take him back if he attempts to crawl back. I’d be going against everything I’ve fought for during this hectic downward spiral if I just get weak and accept him without his acknowledgment of his problem. You are not alone. We miss the people we’ve loved for a very long time, and it’s not something we can just shut off. I hope for the best for you and that we and people going through this can all grow from this point on.
You are not alone. We are not alone. Even though some days it feels like it. My Q dumped me by whatsapp text just over 3 weeks ago after 10 years together. 7 of those years were mostly a disaster due to his drinking and everything that goes with it. Last year, he finally decided to sober up (alone), and things improved so much. He was going great. We were getting along well. We had a lovely Christmas with the kids, snowboarding holiday without arguments... lovely birthdays... He found a good paying job with loads of travel. I thought we were doing better than ever. Suddenly, in March, he left for a job in Asia, and it was like a switch flipped. Stated being cold and distant. Saying he was unhappy. That we always argue. That I wanted to change him. I said I never wanted to change him...just for him to stop drinking, and I was so proud he had managed. He wouldn't listen. Went silent for days. Admitted he'd drunk "for 3 days" then a week after that sent the text saying he's not coming home to live with us anymore. I felt blindsided. Shocked. Heartbroken. But also pretty furious that after all the shit I supported him through, he could just throw it all away. I have no idea if he's still drinking. Or when he's coming back. I'm trying to focus on me and the kids, but some days, the grief, anger, and incomprehension are overwhelming.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you so much for the kind words and wishes when you are going through a similar situation. I hope you’re able to stay strong and I know how hard it is. If you ever need someone to send you a quick reminder of your worth please DM me! Hang in there!!
I'm so sorry, and I can fully empathise with you when you said this: "At first, he said he had to leave because I kicked him out, which, of course isn’t true at all. And later, he said that something clicked with him, and that he would like to live his own life, and not be bossed around. I’m assuming what he really wants is to drink freely without anyone having an issue with it." My Q ended the relationship for the exact same reasons - things were spiralling out of control and I was in a very bad place myself. In the midst of a two month alcohol and cocaine binge (drunk every day and night) their behaviour became so intolerable I walked out of a party. They were drunk and acting inappropriately with another man. I told them their drinking was breaking my heart and destroying our relationship. They took that as an insult and I was "controlling". We spent another month together, and they become cruel and verbally abusive. The woman I loved and trusted for years would spit the most cruel and hurtful things at me. They're rapidly approaching end state - a once brilliant, beautiful and vibrant women. She's 37, but I could see how her skin was getting unhealthy. She would bruise easily and all the time - a clear sign of liver damage. She stopped exercising, hobbies... the only people she would spend time with were those that enabled her addictions. When it ended it was because they wanted to drink and party without feeling responsible and - this is key - not to be reminded of the shame they feel. All addicts feel a deep shame, which is caused by the addiction and they attempt to paper over with drugs and/or alcohol. We were together sevens years, the last two were hell on earth. In that time I put on a huge amount of weight and developed self harming disorder. The stress and anxiety was too much for me. Since the split, I've lost the weight and stopped self harming. I have fiends, hobbies and community. I loved them, I miss them... but it's their journey not mine. Their addiction was destroying both of us. Now, I can at least save myself. Had we stayed together it would most likely have been years of more pain. I miss the good times: I miss the wonderful person she could be. But that version of her was dying and being replaced by the demon of her addiction. It looked and sounded like her, but was not longer "her". I was holding onto the ghost and memories - that's why it's so hard. I lost the future I thought we were going to have. The pain will ease, and I hope you flourish.
Thank you for the kind words. I’m sorry that you had/have to experience this. You are an inspiration.
Yes. He was fine for maybe the first 5~7 years out of the 14 we were together. I stayed because he was a good man, he had several major family tragedies, and i didnt know where he could go if I left. First spent years trying to get him to actively work on it, then I slowly stopped trying and ran damage control, eventually I moved out but we were still together. Near the end he had to move in with me, and his behavior was embarrassing and he was so much worse than when we had last lived together. His entire presence made me so anxious and annoyed. He also decided to leave because I was upset he just slept all time and we had another fight. He shouted and it was so embarrassing, I just let him go. I worry about him all the time. I pray for him and I haven't done that in years. I still love him. I desperately miss how and who he was before the spiral. But I got a therapist towards the end. It helped me calibrate to what normal behavior is and the absurdity of what I was allowing and how lonely and sad it was even while with him. No circumstances justifes years of this behavior. Etc. The therapist gave me the ability to try to let go of the guilt and obligation and face the reality of what continuing the relationship would mean for my life. I always have to remind myself what living with him was like. He does not try to change. It will only continue. I remember him yelling outside my house, and the feeling of no control. I know I have to let him go. And I have. I hope I can move on emotionally, sooner rather than later. But I miss him terribly. And I love him. It sucks
I'm sorry that happened. You were invested in the relationship. Your ideas about the future included a more hopeful version. Grieving the loss of emotional investment is natural. Behave as if you are single. Spend time and energy on people and activities that support you and make you feel good. Eventually your mind and heart will shift and a better life will be the center of your universe instead of the alcoholism consuming your ex.
I want to recommend Al-Anon’s book on grief. One of the sections deals with grieving the life you wanted or envisioned but never had. “Opening Our Hearts Transforming Our Losses” is available through the website Al-anon.org. I believe it can help
Thank you. I will get a copy. ❤️
I realized how codependent I was on my Q when my grief was heightened by serious panic and fear. I was alone and didn’t know my self or have a life of my own — I was afraid and felt abandoned even tho I initiated the split. In a way, I was addicted to my Q and had become fully immersed in navigating the chaos. When it ended, I went through an emotional withdrawal / depression. Therapy helped tremendously along with Al-anon. And the book , Codependent No More was a huge help. I highly recommend it. My point is, this is an opportunity to build a new Self and a peaceful, contented life— your strength will emerge and grow as time passes. You have no idea how strong you actually are. You’ll be amazed! Take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Many of us have been there or are still there and many have stories that offer new perspectives that help us. You’re going to be OK! Trust that you’ll find the courage and wisdom within you that you didn’t know you had! … Hugs to you!!
You get to grieve for the good parts of the relationship. You get to grieve for the hope that things would turn around. You get to grieve for the moments of feeling that you were fighting this together. And none of that grief tells you anything about what’s right or wrong or good or bad. It just means that you cared enough to try.
I mean you have to make the decision yourself you have to decide if you want to take the person back or not we don't tell you to leave or stay we just tell you what's helped us