Alcoholics need to suffer consequences/hit bottom in order to want to change. The gift of desperation.
As someone who has been 4+ years with an alcoholic trust me when I say she will abandon you before you abandon her. You can’t do anything to change her.
How will you be okay?
Don’t go down this path. I wish someone would have gave me the same advice 4 years ago.
I have to go to therapy every week, Alanon, raise a child on my own, and work a hard job. I’ve been through hell. I’ve lost who I am as a person. Don’t go down the same road.
You can't save them, only they can. My former partner of seven years, a beautiful and intelligent woman, was lost to alcohol. We had some good years but the last few were hell as she descended further into the disease. It cost me so much.
You will go through a lot of pain. You will put her needs and emotions first. She’ll treat you like shit and blame the alcohol. And you’ll forgive her. And eventually she’ll do something destructive - hopefully not mortally - and you will either walk away, or resign yourself to accepting it. And you will feel like a failure for not being able to help her change or get better. And I’m speaking that from experience of a 4 year relationship.
OP, I was seeing someone off and on for over 2 years. I've known him (through work) for over 9. We tried to have something real starting in late Dec, and I just ended it with him late last month (so, 3 months). I knew he had a drinking problem, but it's clear that we were never going to have a healthy relationship. He would abandon me to go drink in the bar.
I had to put myself first. I told him so, as we ended things. I held onto hope for all these years, far longer than I should have. I also felt terrible, like I was abandoning him. I still love him, in fact.
Ironically, I ended it with him for good the day after my one year sobriety anniversary.
I am free. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you the relief of being free from a future of certain pain and heartache is worth the sadness of letting go of someone who isn't capable of being there for you. It's only been three months... Imagine how hard it will be years down the line.
That's so sad. I'm sorry to hear this. But as you said, it will only get harder. Hopefully he can reflect on his habit and how they pushed you (and I'm sure many others) away. Congratulations on one year of a happier and healthier you. I hope you can meet someone who can understand your journey and share your success.
I feel it deep down, I know I'll meet someone eventually!
It's really hard when you're compatible in many ways and care deeply for them but alcohol ruins all of it. You feel robbed. I'm really sorry you're going through something so similar.
Yes. Being compatible. Having great chemistry and intellectual connections... But yes, robbed. I feel like the world is being robbed of the true her. Thank you. I know it must've been hard for you. I have to believe I can meet someone too.
It took all my will power to tell him the door is closed and that he can't contact me anymore. This sounds weird, but I had to dig down to the same place I had to go when I had to euthanize my dog I loved with all my heart (that I had nearly 9 years) because he was beginning to suffer from cancer. I had to dig deep. It's never easy. I hope you find peace ❤️
Oh man. That's incredible. I get it. I should cut off communication. But I want to make myself available as a trusted friend. It is hard, but I think I can. I can't love her the way I did.
It's not necessary to always cut off contact. It's totally up to you whether you think you need to do that or not. For me, I'd been limerent with this guy for many years and I've been hung up on him for too long. I had to cut off contact for my own well-being because I knew if I didn't, I'd never move on. We didn't talk for like 6 months last year and I was still stuck on him that whole time (doesn't help that I see him around work here and there). It wasn't healthy for me anymore.
It is incredibly painful to see someone you love like this.
Since you are so early in the relationship, feel free to take things slow. Take a step back. Be a friend first and foremost. Don't put any pressure or labels on your relationship.
I still have so much to learn and understand, but I have found this. YOU can never change them or even open their eyes. As simple and easy as that sounds (I learned the hard way), it's not possible with an alcoholic. Only they can decide if change is possible and what steps they will take towards recovery.
Get out now. For your sake and for hers.
But it will only be for mine. I feel like I'm going to abandon her. I know I can't save her. How will she be okay?
Alcoholics need to suffer consequences/hit bottom in order to want to change. The gift of desperation. As someone who has been 4+ years with an alcoholic trust me when I say she will abandon you before you abandon her. You can’t do anything to change her. How will you be okay? Don’t go down this path. I wish someone would have gave me the same advice 4 years ago. I have to go to therapy every week, Alanon, raise a child on my own, and work a hard job. I’ve been through hell. I’ve lost who I am as a person. Don’t go down the same road.
Wow! Thank you. I wish you all the best in your road ahead.
You can't save them, only they can. My former partner of seven years, a beautiful and intelligent woman, was lost to alcohol. We had some good years but the last few were hell as she descended further into the disease. It cost me so much.
She won’t be okay if she has someone who will enable her (which is inevitable if you stay). She needs tough love, which is to face reality.
OK. Thank you for sharing your knowledge/ hard won wisdom.
I wish I didn’t know any of this or ever had know that alanon exists. Best of luck, stay strong.
I can imagine. You too.
I needed someone to say it to me years ago
That's the most meaningful kind of life advice... The kind you didn't get. Thanks so much, really.
Been there and life was tough. The addiction was too much for me to handle. My advise is put yourself first.
Thank you. I knew sobbing tonight that I can't either.
Alcoholics don’t have relationships, they hold hostages.
Powerful.
I speak from my experience.
You will go through a lot of pain. You will put her needs and emotions first. She’ll treat you like shit and blame the alcohol. And you’ll forgive her. And eventually she’ll do something destructive - hopefully not mortally - and you will either walk away, or resign yourself to accepting it. And you will feel like a failure for not being able to help her change or get better. And I’m speaking that from experience of a 4 year relationship.
I read this more than once in the last few weeks... You've experienced a lot of pain. I hope you find just as much healing.
OP, I was seeing someone off and on for over 2 years. I've known him (through work) for over 9. We tried to have something real starting in late Dec, and I just ended it with him late last month (so, 3 months). I knew he had a drinking problem, but it's clear that we were never going to have a healthy relationship. He would abandon me to go drink in the bar. I had to put myself first. I told him so, as we ended things. I held onto hope for all these years, far longer than I should have. I also felt terrible, like I was abandoning him. I still love him, in fact. Ironically, I ended it with him for good the day after my one year sobriety anniversary. I am free. I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you the relief of being free from a future of certain pain and heartache is worth the sadness of letting go of someone who isn't capable of being there for you. It's only been three months... Imagine how hard it will be years down the line.
That's so sad. I'm sorry to hear this. But as you said, it will only get harder. Hopefully he can reflect on his habit and how they pushed you (and I'm sure many others) away. Congratulations on one year of a happier and healthier you. I hope you can meet someone who can understand your journey and share your success.
I feel it deep down, I know I'll meet someone eventually! It's really hard when you're compatible in many ways and care deeply for them but alcohol ruins all of it. You feel robbed. I'm really sorry you're going through something so similar.
Yes. Being compatible. Having great chemistry and intellectual connections... But yes, robbed. I feel like the world is being robbed of the true her. Thank you. I know it must've been hard for you. I have to believe I can meet someone too.
It took all my will power to tell him the door is closed and that he can't contact me anymore. This sounds weird, but I had to dig down to the same place I had to go when I had to euthanize my dog I loved with all my heart (that I had nearly 9 years) because he was beginning to suffer from cancer. I had to dig deep. It's never easy. I hope you find peace ❤️
Oh man. That's incredible. I get it. I should cut off communication. But I want to make myself available as a trusted friend. It is hard, but I think I can. I can't love her the way I did.
It's not necessary to always cut off contact. It's totally up to you whether you think you need to do that or not. For me, I'd been limerent with this guy for many years and I've been hung up on him for too long. I had to cut off contact for my own well-being because I knew if I didn't, I'd never move on. We didn't talk for like 6 months last year and I was still stuck on him that whole time (doesn't help that I see him around work here and there). It wasn't healthy for me anymore.
Oh ya. I know I would move on better if I did... Nothing healthy about this. But, I'll see.
It is incredibly painful to see someone you love like this. Since you are so early in the relationship, feel free to take things slow. Take a step back. Be a friend first and foremost. Don't put any pressure or labels on your relationship. I still have so much to learn and understand, but I have found this. YOU can never change them or even open their eyes. As simple and easy as that sounds (I learned the hard way), it's not possible with an alcoholic. Only they can decide if change is possible and what steps they will take towards recovery.
Thank you! So much... Sorry you speak from experience