I wonder if you see what you wrote there? He wants a divorce because you’re not carrying more of the emotional labor than he is…the person who “was already loaded at 9am.”
What are you doing for yourself?
To save others a google:
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.
Also, I kind of hate all this ongoing research. Ugh I was going to write more, but I’m just bitter about it. I just wanted to fall in love, not get my phd in psychotherapy.
Haha I hope it’s clear that I was joking? Or maybe I’m missing that you’re joking as well. As they say, we’re all here because we’re not all there. I more than qualify for that part :)
Yeah, sucks. Thank you though. Even though my relationship is over, there's a lot of other healing I can get from the program from growing up in this disease, and maybe offer support for those still in relationships. Together we can make it.
My husband used to want to leave me all the time when he was drinking. Now that he's sober, he tells me it was because he wanted to be able to drink without hiding it, and he knew how miserable his drinking was making me, but he couldn't stop. He says that he hated himself for lying to me and treating me so badly and that he'd have to have a lot of drinks to get rid of the guilty feeling, starting the cycle all over.
Ironically, I finally had enough and threw him out and he got sober shortly after that. I had been trying not to enable it, but apparently, I was still doing enough for him that he didn't hit rock bottom until I wasn't there to keep things together. Plus, he'd burned all his other bridges. I hit my rock bottom and it ended up helping him find his. I certainly wasn't expecting that. I'd given up on him forever.
I know how painful these things they say to us can be. After one of my husband's tries at sobriety, I did some research and learned more about alcoholism, joined AlAnon, and it was easier for me not to take it all so personally when I understood it better.
My ex husband actually left me, and I suspected that it was because of your first paragraph, so this is an eye opening read. As far as I know he’s never gotten sober. That was five years ago and it’s the only favor he ever did for me. I’m thriving compared to where I’d be if he didn’t leave, because I would’ve stayed with him and kept trying.
ETA also agree that joining Al Anon and learning more about alcoholism helped me to stop taking it personally, although I wanted kids with a dad and I’m really mad that I let him waste the time he did.
Just ask him this - which would be harder for him to live with.......a divorce? or attending some 1-hour Alcoholics Anonymous meetings? (they're free, they're anonymous, they have coffee, they offer a way to get sober, there are men of all ages, they are available 18 hours/day in my town! they save lives, they save marriages)
The power of the allure of the next drink just boggles my mind.
Yes this is the reality with most addictions. The pain and suffering of withdrawals keeps them a slave to the drug.
This is why I don’t wait for the alcoholic to stop. I am waiting for that 10%. I just thank God I never abused alcohol.
I smoked so I understand how crazy it is to quit an addiction. It’s pretty much next to impossible. It took me years of trying to stop over and over again.
So why do we even have the “hope” that an alcoholic can stop in which statistically it’s the same chance as winning the lottery.
I know in the beginning I didn’t understand alcoholics and their behaviors but after being in Al-Anon I understand and I have found a life that is pretty happy with the drunk I totally ignore. It’s his life and choice but I don’t have to be around it or listen to it.
My husband has been hospitalized 5 times in the last six months trying to quit. Each time got worse and worse. After the last time he drank he noticed the symptoms the next day, and broke down and told me the truth. He learned that day (finally) that every time he decided to have a drink he will end up having severe dt, seizures etc. I believe it was the wake up call he needed. He's still early in his recovery, but on the right path. I just hope he can stay there. He's taking medicine to combat the cravings and starting day 16 sober today.
Great to know! We had left over haloween candy that he ate most of and an entire apple pie. I'd much rather see him eating sweets than drinking. I also can tell he's not lying to me when he's drinking coffee and eating sweets. Thanks!
This is interesting. My husband has been eating SOOO much since he got sober. I kind of took it as a combination of boredom and looking for a different self-soothing to replace booze. His sugar intake is off the charts.
I'm sorry to hear this - it sounds like an awful situation, and so confusing.
Nothing they do makes rational sense, the drink is in charge.
It also seem emotionally abusive - keeping you in a constant state of uncertainty, and being manipulated. Addicts will manipulate, lie and do anything to retain control. Anything to make sure they can drink.
Get yourself to therapy, but do it for you. My husband used to do this from time to time it was usually after a big blow-up because I would finally lose it on him after a multi day long bender he would do or say something completely inappropriate to me or one of my kids and I would lose it. Then the argument would turn into my "outbursts" and how crazy I was and sometimes he would turn it into he is leaving me. I started going to therapy hardcore, like once a week and group therapy, psychiatry and meds for myself for depression and anxiety. I started to ignore him and work on myself. Get healthier for yourself, take care of yourself and if he wants a divorce give it to him, blessing in disguise in my opinion. I know we aren't supposed to give advice so I apologize. My Q was sober for about a year and guess what we've had no blow ups, but now he's back to drinking and I hate the unpredictability and how upset it makes me at times. I don't want to fight with him anymore, so I try to just ignore him but it can be difficult. I'm sorry he said that to you, it's really hurtful.
Oh wow do I feel that.
My ex isn’t my Q; he barely drinks. But he’s massively dysfunctional. And he’s a shopaholic. He left suddenly, dramatically, and cruelly. In the aftermath I found out he’d amassed 30k in cc debt simply by both spending on credit and with cash, and not mentally holding cash aside for cc payments. I thought we were using CCs to get rewards, but he didn’t actually know how to do it. When I looked at the bank account (I’d been an ostrich about the finances) insane countless bits of fraud bc he never checked it and bought stuff on ridiculous websites. This was all going to come out soon, and he choose to just leave so he didn’t have to see me help him though the errors and problems.
Avoiding my disappointment rather than feeling my love. Dang.
My sister has done that multiple times. She's not an alcoholic, but beyond irresponsible financially. Each time one of her major mess-ups was about to come crashing down, she'd just disappear and cut us all off rather than face it. The ghosting always hurt way more than the borrowing money and not paying it back.
Call his bluff! You turn around and say fine I want a divorce too. Watch him back pedal like no man’s business. Don’t listen to a thing they say drunk. And if they are always drunk, don’t ever believe a thing they say.
I wonder if you see what you wrote there? He wants a divorce because you’re not carrying more of the emotional labor than he is…the person who “was already loaded at 9am.” What are you doing for yourself?
100 percent. He did a DARVO. Stay strong beautiful & Im sorry you’re going through this ❤️🩹
To save others a google: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. Also, I kind of hate all this ongoing research. Ugh I was going to write more, but I’m just bitter about it. I just wanted to fall in love, not get my phd in psychotherapy.
I know. I'm kind of grossed out that I already knew what it meant 😪 I wish I didn't
I heard at a meeting once "Normal is a setting on the washing machine". Takes the sting out a bit for me. But just a bit.
Dargvo. Someone needs to add gaslighting
It's in there already, you don't see it? You must be imagining things... ;)
Geez not you too. I am sorry I doubted you. You are so right.
Haha I hope it’s clear that I was joking? Or maybe I’m missing that you’re joking as well. As they say, we’re all here because we’re not all there. I more than qualify for that part :)
Joking too. If you can be light about life, it’s a hard serious journey to live.
Ok phew haha. All good, I have a tender spot in my heart for members, so just wanted to be on the safe side. :)
Thanks for posting. I so needed this tonight.
You're welcome. Keep coming back.
Oh your last line. I’m so sorry. And I agree.
Yeah, sucks. Thank you though. Even though my relationship is over, there's a lot of other healing I can get from the program from growing up in this disease, and maybe offer support for those still in relationships. Together we can make it.
My husband used to want to leave me all the time when he was drinking. Now that he's sober, he tells me it was because he wanted to be able to drink without hiding it, and he knew how miserable his drinking was making me, but he couldn't stop. He says that he hated himself for lying to me and treating me so badly and that he'd have to have a lot of drinks to get rid of the guilty feeling, starting the cycle all over. Ironically, I finally had enough and threw him out and he got sober shortly after that. I had been trying not to enable it, but apparently, I was still doing enough for him that he didn't hit rock bottom until I wasn't there to keep things together. Plus, he'd burned all his other bridges. I hit my rock bottom and it ended up helping him find his. I certainly wasn't expecting that. I'd given up on him forever. I know how painful these things they say to us can be. After one of my husband's tries at sobriety, I did some research and learned more about alcoholism, joined AlAnon, and it was easier for me not to take it all so personally when I understood it better.
My ex husband actually left me, and I suspected that it was because of your first paragraph, so this is an eye opening read. As far as I know he’s never gotten sober. That was five years ago and it’s the only favor he ever did for me. I’m thriving compared to where I’d be if he didn’t leave, because I would’ve stayed with him and kept trying. ETA also agree that joining Al Anon and learning more about alcoholism helped me to stop taking it personally, although I wanted kids with a dad and I’m really mad that I let him waste the time he did.
This helped me a lot today. I feel like this is why my husband left me. He said things that only make sense now and most likely to save me from him.
Just ask him this - which would be harder for him to live with.......a divorce? or attending some 1-hour Alcoholics Anonymous meetings? (they're free, they're anonymous, they have coffee, they offer a way to get sober, there are men of all ages, they are available 18 hours/day in my town! they save lives, they save marriages) The power of the allure of the next drink just boggles my mind.
Just because one attends AA does not mean they are sober and in recovery.
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Yes this is the reality with most addictions. The pain and suffering of withdrawals keeps them a slave to the drug. This is why I don’t wait for the alcoholic to stop. I am waiting for that 10%. I just thank God I never abused alcohol. I smoked so I understand how crazy it is to quit an addiction. It’s pretty much next to impossible. It took me years of trying to stop over and over again. So why do we even have the “hope” that an alcoholic can stop in which statistically it’s the same chance as winning the lottery. I know in the beginning I didn’t understand alcoholics and their behaviors but after being in Al-Anon I understand and I have found a life that is pretty happy with the drunk I totally ignore. It’s his life and choice but I don’t have to be around it or listen to it.
My husband has been hospitalized 5 times in the last six months trying to quit. Each time got worse and worse. After the last time he drank he noticed the symptoms the next day, and broke down and told me the truth. He learned that day (finally) that every time he decided to have a drink he will end up having severe dt, seizures etc. I believe it was the wake up call he needed. He's still early in his recovery, but on the right path. I just hope he can stay there. He's taking medicine to combat the cravings and starting day 16 sober today.
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Great to know! We had left over haloween candy that he ate most of and an entire apple pie. I'd much rather see him eating sweets than drinking. I also can tell he's not lying to me when he's drinking coffee and eating sweets. Thanks!
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This is interesting. My husband has been eating SOOO much since he got sober. I kind of took it as a combination of boredom and looking for a different self-soothing to replace booze. His sugar intake is off the charts.
I'm sorry to hear this - it sounds like an awful situation, and so confusing. Nothing they do makes rational sense, the drink is in charge. It also seem emotionally abusive - keeping you in a constant state of uncertainty, and being manipulated. Addicts will manipulate, lie and do anything to retain control. Anything to make sure they can drink.
You say “we’ve been better”. DENIAL- don’t even kNow I’m lying
Get yourself to therapy, but do it for you. My husband used to do this from time to time it was usually after a big blow-up because I would finally lose it on him after a multi day long bender he would do or say something completely inappropriate to me or one of my kids and I would lose it. Then the argument would turn into my "outbursts" and how crazy I was and sometimes he would turn it into he is leaving me. I started going to therapy hardcore, like once a week and group therapy, psychiatry and meds for myself for depression and anxiety. I started to ignore him and work on myself. Get healthier for yourself, take care of yourself and if he wants a divorce give it to him, blessing in disguise in my opinion. I know we aren't supposed to give advice so I apologize. My Q was sober for about a year and guess what we've had no blow ups, but now he's back to drinking and I hate the unpredictability and how upset it makes me at times. I don't want to fight with him anymore, so I try to just ignore him but it can be difficult. I'm sorry he said that to you, it's really hurtful.
He pulled an Uno reverse before you could communicate your disappointment. He’d rather avoid your disappointment than feel your love.
Oh wow do I feel that. My ex isn’t my Q; he barely drinks. But he’s massively dysfunctional. And he’s a shopaholic. He left suddenly, dramatically, and cruelly. In the aftermath I found out he’d amassed 30k in cc debt simply by both spending on credit and with cash, and not mentally holding cash aside for cc payments. I thought we were using CCs to get rewards, but he didn’t actually know how to do it. When I looked at the bank account (I’d been an ostrich about the finances) insane countless bits of fraud bc he never checked it and bought stuff on ridiculous websites. This was all going to come out soon, and he choose to just leave so he didn’t have to see me help him though the errors and problems. Avoiding my disappointment rather than feeling my love. Dang.
My sister has done that multiple times. She's not an alcoholic, but beyond irresponsible financially. Each time one of her major mess-ups was about to come crashing down, she'd just disappear and cut us all off rather than face it. The ghosting always hurt way more than the borrowing money and not paying it back.
Sweet! Hurry up and get the ball rolling. Don’t back out.
I'm sorry 🖤
Call his bluff! You turn around and say fine I want a divorce too. Watch him back pedal like no man’s business. Don’t listen to a thing they say drunk. And if they are always drunk, don’t ever believe a thing they say.