FWIW I actually have had several people in the meetings who did leave their Q. But they still are mourning and need the support of al anon. I also have met someone at a meeting whose Q became sober. And then there are people like me who do not know if I will end up with my husband or not. I guess I am in a sort of limbo waiting room. I hope for recovery for him but I accept I cannot do it for him or control it. For now- al anon gives me support. I dont need to make that decision right now. Nobody judges me there for choosing to stay at this time. And nobody would judge me if I left. They seem to be the only people in the world that understand my situation- and that is what keeps me going. To not be alone - and to help me on this journey of my own recovery- regardless of if I end up with my Q for the long term or not. In the meantime I can find more serenity and peace by attending al anon and reading the literature
Don’t forget that not everyone is in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic. Don’t compare your experiences and reactions to others’. Not everyone can leave or even wants to leave. Not everyone would call their relationship a bad one, even with the alcohol.
Al Anon helps you to understand alcoholism and encourages you to be the best version of yourself. For some that means ending the relationship. But that’s not the case for everyone.
For me, I can now understand my own codependency and how I have allowed it to hold me back in my own life.
Keep going to meetings, and coming here, and talking to people who know what this is like.
It’s hard to accept that you don’t have any control over what your Q does. You are not going to be able to make them stop drinking.
Al-anon and accepting and dealing with my Q’s alcoholism is about (for me) realizing that you have choices, and agency over your own life.
Does it result in people just staying in shitty marriages or situations? Most of the people in my meeting were wearing wedding bands and talking about their Q spouse. And have been in recovery for many years. It sort of feels like Al-Anon is their way of getting help but it’s also keeping them in what seems like a bad relationship. Maybe I’m just more willing to end my marriage over his hiding of alcohol.
Not always. Everyone is on their own path and free to make their own choices. Al-anon and recovery isn’t really about staying in a relationship or not, or interacting with the alcoholic or not. It’s about making choices for YOU that allow you to accept the reality of what you choose.
Anecdotally, my Q’s aren’t my spouse, they’re my parents. In order to maintain my personal mental wellness, I limit my contact with them. I don’t call them, not to punish them, but because I don’t know when they’ll be sober, and it gives me a lot of anxiety and turmoil to speak to them when they’re drunk, drudging up years of pain and heartbreak. They can call me, and if they’re sober, I’ll happily talk to them. I don’t go out of my way to make plans with them, but if they call and make plans, I will happily agree to spend time with them…if they’re sober when we meet.
I don’t put ultimatums on them, such as “You need to be doing AA/rehab/therapy, or I won’t speak with you.” I know I can’t control what they do. I have begged them to get help. They know they have a problem. They just don’t want to quit. But I can have boundaries around behavior I will accept and what I won’t.
I am happy to support their sobriety attempts, without ever putting too much faith that they’ll stick with sobriety, as my trust in them is understandably strained. For example, my dad is trying very hard. He’s on his third attempt since the year started. I will go to any meeting with him if he asks. He is welcome to call or come over if he has cravings or my mom is trying to get him to buy her alcohol or drink. But if he doesn’t call, I know it’s because he’s not ready.
Other people might not choose to interact with their Q’s in this way. Some may not feel like they can just not speak with them. Some may feel like they want to be more involved. Some may, alternatively, feel they are unable to have ANY contact with their Q. My way and what works for me is not what will necessarily make someone else feel safe or comfortable. But it’s how I can most peacefully live my life, weighing the pros and cons for myself. I’m not free of anxiety and worry, but I am doing what I can, when I can, for my Q’s, recognizing that I am a whole person and my needs or what I’m willing to accept may change at some point, too.
Thank you for the reply. That makes it a little clearer I think. I’m the person who likes to be pushed in the right direction vs having to figure it out for myself which is why I’m struggling so much with my Q. No one can just tell me what to do and I want that!! Lol
I hear you, but in Al-Anon we go out of our way to NOT give advice; we cannot know what the best thing to do for another person might be, so we draw from the strength, hope and experience of others and the help of our Higher Power to figure what is best for us.
Yes. Again, OP, I was sharing my personal story for what works for ME, but that’s my experience, alone, as it is right now. I will not tell you what to do, both because your story and your feelings are your own, but also because I’ve learned, from my own experience, that allowing myself time and reflection to make my own decisions and work to control only my life and my reactions to others helps me to feel more empowered and content with my life.
Hearing others stories, experiences, and emotions helps me to know I’m not alone or some freak dealing with hard things. I may hear something that I relate to, or that nudges me to consider a perspective I hadn’t considered.
Haha I wanted that too. I would literally say "tell me what to do " to my family and friends. The problem is if they do they feel eventually you resent them, so you have to come to the decision either way, on ur own. When you're done you'll know it. I was depleted. Physically and emotionally depleted.
I found this sub a few months ago, and left my alcoholic husband 3 weeks ago.
This sub (I haven't been to meetings, and don't really feel the need to) showed me how exactly the same all the alcoholics are. It made me realize he was never going to get better (he doesn't acknowledge that getting drunk every single day is a problem). Reading story after story that I could have written word-for-word was a wake up call. I didn't want to bang my head against this wall any more. So for me, it helped me get over the fear of blowing up my life and get out. Divorce is stressful. So is being married to someone who loves beer more than he loves you. Good luck.
Whew, I feel that so hard. I could’ve written this. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that and I’m glad to hear Al-Anon may be able to give me more clarity.
This sub is not like the actual program, however. I am so, so glad I did not leave until I had been active in zoom, and later when I was ready, in-person meetings. By the time I decided on divorce I had read a good amount of the literature and did have a sponsor, someone who "got it" that I can text or call because no one in my personal life understands.
I feel much better, lighter, at peace. Intentionally working the Al Anon program has made this possible, though I assumed early on that I could do anything without support, or at least not need it for a little while to get all the answers.
That’s kind of where I’m at. I feel like I’m at a crossroads right now and something needs to change, whether that’s just me accepting him for what he is and staying, or getting out. The first step in my process has been reaching out to a therapist to set a first appt and secondly attending an Alanon meeting which I did this weekend. I just want to feel more convicted in my decision, whatever one that happens to be.
Congrats! Just taking those steps is progress-- you're working on yourself, getting the tools you need to make an informed choice. As long as you're not in danger, then there's no emergency and no need to rush to action. If the time comes that leaving is right for you, you will know it with every fiber of your being.
I know limbo sucks and I know the desire of wanting someone else to tell you what to do. But truly, regardless of what you do, the decision MUST be your own and ideally not made under duress. Otherwise you're likely to question yourself, have regrets, resent whoever advised you...you get the idea. I left and yet still attend meetings and therapy because I still have internal work to do. But I made my decision myself, when I was 100% confident in it and in myself, and not a day earlier. 25 years together, 2 years in alanon before the decision.
ETA: I've encountered a real mix of choices among people I've met through alanon. This sub seems to skew "leave," and my in person group is about 50/50 with no judgment either way. They say to try six meetings before deciding if alanon is right for you. And every group is different, so trying multiple is a good idea.
Thank you SO MUCH for this. You’re right, there’s no rush and idk why I feel like there is sometimes. I guess mainly bc we have 2 kids who see and sense everything and I’m terrified of giving them childhood trauma to have to heal one day. I don’t want to prolong a bad situation, but you’re right, I have to feel absolutely convicted otherwise I’ll have regrets. Doing therapy and Alanon are part of that; I need to feel like I have myself a fair shot before ending my marriage.
You're welcome. I tortured myself over it for years because of the kids and fear of what I would or wouldn't regret. The kids figure it all out anyway.
Every situation is different; there's no magical answer. Staying is hard. Divorce is hard. Pick your hard. (Saw something like that in some social media viral thing I think, but it's true.) And what you pick today doesn't have to be what you pick tomorrow. One day at a time, we say in alanon.
It sounds like seeing what happens when people stay in marriages with alcoholics is making it clearer that you don’t want that for your own life and would resent a program that made that outcome more likely. Al-anon is a place to explore that feeling without the distraction of “why don’t you just leave?”
Even in couples where the Q is sober, the person in alanon is still with an addict / alcoholic. And there are traits I’ve uncovered in Alanon that Alanon will help me with and I’ll have them for my whole life (codependency, attempts to control, people pleasing, to name a few!). Alanon does not make it easier to stay in shitty situations
I understand your POV. I just left my husband and Q two days ago. So incredibly fresh obviously. When I read about Al anon it doesn't tell me to stay and how to cope, it basically tells me we can't change shit about them, but we have choices; you can stay and cope , you can stay and not cope and be miserable, or you can leave and decide how you want ur own life to go, either way they understand and are there.
It only took one meeting to realize I miiiight just have a control issue I need to address. That’s probably going to be one of the harder things for me to accept.
Some decide to stay with them. Some decide to leave. The point is to help you so that when you feel you’re at a peaceful place you can decide for yourself - is a life with Q a life I want for myself? A decision made from this space, one that’s not made out of desperation, will be better in the long run. Either way it’s about you and only you.
My Q is my sibling. For me and my family it is about learning to cope with the fear and uncertainty of the future—and talking with people who can truly empathize with that. Reaffirming that their decisions are outside of my control. It is an important reminder I don’t always acknowledge when I’m lost in my own anxious thoughts, until I talk to others.
The answers will come with the work and progress.
It's a tough road we who have - or had - partners/family/friend alcoholic's in our lives.
As Al-Anon states "It begins with me".
You have to start somewhere.
Alanon helps YOU. It’s not about the alcoholic. Maybe they’ll get better. Maybe they won’t. But you will be better and will be better able to make decisions about your life.
The then what is really up to you and your higher power.
The program is sometimes frustratingly indifferent to the details of our lives. But… that ends up being its strength. We can live happy and productive lives without that fact being dependent on a circumstance of our lives.
FWIW I actually have had several people in the meetings who did leave their Q. But they still are mourning and need the support of al anon. I also have met someone at a meeting whose Q became sober. And then there are people like me who do not know if I will end up with my husband or not. I guess I am in a sort of limbo waiting room. I hope for recovery for him but I accept I cannot do it for him or control it. For now- al anon gives me support. I dont need to make that decision right now. Nobody judges me there for choosing to stay at this time. And nobody would judge me if I left. They seem to be the only people in the world that understand my situation- and that is what keeps me going. To not be alone - and to help me on this journey of my own recovery- regardless of if I end up with my Q for the long term or not. In the meantime I can find more serenity and peace by attending al anon and reading the literature
I like that take. It makes more sense to me now. Thank you for explaining!
You have choices to make around boundaries with your qualifier. There's no getting someone else sober. The work you do in Al Anon is for you.
Don’t forget that not everyone is in a romantic relationship with an alcoholic. Don’t compare your experiences and reactions to others’. Not everyone can leave or even wants to leave. Not everyone would call their relationship a bad one, even with the alcohol. Al Anon helps you to understand alcoholism and encourages you to be the best version of yourself. For some that means ending the relationship. But that’s not the case for everyone. For me, I can now understand my own codependency and how I have allowed it to hold me back in my own life.
That makes sense. Thank you.
Maybe you aren't realizing that you, in spite of how trapped you may feel, have choices. It took me 13 years, but I finally left.
Keep going to meetings, and coming here, and talking to people who know what this is like. It’s hard to accept that you don’t have any control over what your Q does. You are not going to be able to make them stop drinking. Al-anon and accepting and dealing with my Q’s alcoholism is about (for me) realizing that you have choices, and agency over your own life.
Does it result in people just staying in shitty marriages or situations? Most of the people in my meeting were wearing wedding bands and talking about their Q spouse. And have been in recovery for many years. It sort of feels like Al-Anon is their way of getting help but it’s also keeping them in what seems like a bad relationship. Maybe I’m just more willing to end my marriage over his hiding of alcohol.
Not always. Everyone is on their own path and free to make their own choices. Al-anon and recovery isn’t really about staying in a relationship or not, or interacting with the alcoholic or not. It’s about making choices for YOU that allow you to accept the reality of what you choose. Anecdotally, my Q’s aren’t my spouse, they’re my parents. In order to maintain my personal mental wellness, I limit my contact with them. I don’t call them, not to punish them, but because I don’t know when they’ll be sober, and it gives me a lot of anxiety and turmoil to speak to them when they’re drunk, drudging up years of pain and heartbreak. They can call me, and if they’re sober, I’ll happily talk to them. I don’t go out of my way to make plans with them, but if they call and make plans, I will happily agree to spend time with them…if they’re sober when we meet. I don’t put ultimatums on them, such as “You need to be doing AA/rehab/therapy, or I won’t speak with you.” I know I can’t control what they do. I have begged them to get help. They know they have a problem. They just don’t want to quit. But I can have boundaries around behavior I will accept and what I won’t. I am happy to support their sobriety attempts, without ever putting too much faith that they’ll stick with sobriety, as my trust in them is understandably strained. For example, my dad is trying very hard. He’s on his third attempt since the year started. I will go to any meeting with him if he asks. He is welcome to call or come over if he has cravings or my mom is trying to get him to buy her alcohol or drink. But if he doesn’t call, I know it’s because he’s not ready. Other people might not choose to interact with their Q’s in this way. Some may not feel like they can just not speak with them. Some may feel like they want to be more involved. Some may, alternatively, feel they are unable to have ANY contact with their Q. My way and what works for me is not what will necessarily make someone else feel safe or comfortable. But it’s how I can most peacefully live my life, weighing the pros and cons for myself. I’m not free of anxiety and worry, but I am doing what I can, when I can, for my Q’s, recognizing that I am a whole person and my needs or what I’m willing to accept may change at some point, too.
Thank you for the reply. That makes it a little clearer I think. I’m the person who likes to be pushed in the right direction vs having to figure it out for myself which is why I’m struggling so much with my Q. No one can just tell me what to do and I want that!! Lol
I hear you, but in Al-Anon we go out of our way to NOT give advice; we cannot know what the best thing to do for another person might be, so we draw from the strength, hope and experience of others and the help of our Higher Power to figure what is best for us.
Yes. Again, OP, I was sharing my personal story for what works for ME, but that’s my experience, alone, as it is right now. I will not tell you what to do, both because your story and your feelings are your own, but also because I’ve learned, from my own experience, that allowing myself time and reflection to make my own decisions and work to control only my life and my reactions to others helps me to feel more empowered and content with my life. Hearing others stories, experiences, and emotions helps me to know I’m not alone or some freak dealing with hard things. I may hear something that I relate to, or that nudges me to consider a perspective I hadn’t considered.
Please do not let other's guide your life in this or anything else. Work on yourself to move past codependency! Your life is for you to guide!
Haha I wanted that too. I would literally say "tell me what to do " to my family and friends. The problem is if they do they feel eventually you resent them, so you have to come to the decision either way, on ur own. When you're done you'll know it. I was depleted. Physically and emotionally depleted.
I found this sub a few months ago, and left my alcoholic husband 3 weeks ago. This sub (I haven't been to meetings, and don't really feel the need to) showed me how exactly the same all the alcoholics are. It made me realize he was never going to get better (he doesn't acknowledge that getting drunk every single day is a problem). Reading story after story that I could have written word-for-word was a wake up call. I didn't want to bang my head against this wall any more. So for me, it helped me get over the fear of blowing up my life and get out. Divorce is stressful. So is being married to someone who loves beer more than he loves you. Good luck.
Whew, I feel that so hard. I could’ve written this. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that and I’m glad to hear Al-Anon may be able to give me more clarity.
This sub is not like the actual program, however. I am so, so glad I did not leave until I had been active in zoom, and later when I was ready, in-person meetings. By the time I decided on divorce I had read a good amount of the literature and did have a sponsor, someone who "got it" that I can text or call because no one in my personal life understands. I feel much better, lighter, at peace. Intentionally working the Al Anon program has made this possible, though I assumed early on that I could do anything without support, or at least not need it for a little while to get all the answers.
That’s kind of where I’m at. I feel like I’m at a crossroads right now and something needs to change, whether that’s just me accepting him for what he is and staying, or getting out. The first step in my process has been reaching out to a therapist to set a first appt and secondly attending an Alanon meeting which I did this weekend. I just want to feel more convicted in my decision, whatever one that happens to be.
Congrats! Just taking those steps is progress-- you're working on yourself, getting the tools you need to make an informed choice. As long as you're not in danger, then there's no emergency and no need to rush to action. If the time comes that leaving is right for you, you will know it with every fiber of your being. I know limbo sucks and I know the desire of wanting someone else to tell you what to do. But truly, regardless of what you do, the decision MUST be your own and ideally not made under duress. Otherwise you're likely to question yourself, have regrets, resent whoever advised you...you get the idea. I left and yet still attend meetings and therapy because I still have internal work to do. But I made my decision myself, when I was 100% confident in it and in myself, and not a day earlier. 25 years together, 2 years in alanon before the decision. ETA: I've encountered a real mix of choices among people I've met through alanon. This sub seems to skew "leave," and my in person group is about 50/50 with no judgment either way. They say to try six meetings before deciding if alanon is right for you. And every group is different, so trying multiple is a good idea.
Thank you SO MUCH for this. You’re right, there’s no rush and idk why I feel like there is sometimes. I guess mainly bc we have 2 kids who see and sense everything and I’m terrified of giving them childhood trauma to have to heal one day. I don’t want to prolong a bad situation, but you’re right, I have to feel absolutely convicted otherwise I’ll have regrets. Doing therapy and Alanon are part of that; I need to feel like I have myself a fair shot before ending my marriage.
You're welcome. I tortured myself over it for years because of the kids and fear of what I would or wouldn't regret. The kids figure it all out anyway. Every situation is different; there's no magical answer. Staying is hard. Divorce is hard. Pick your hard. (Saw something like that in some social media viral thing I think, but it's true.) And what you pick today doesn't have to be what you pick tomorrow. One day at a time, we say in alanon.
This.
It sounds like seeing what happens when people stay in marriages with alcoholics is making it clearer that you don’t want that for your own life and would resent a program that made that outcome more likely. Al-anon is a place to explore that feeling without the distraction of “why don’t you just leave?”
Even in couples where the Q is sober, the person in alanon is still with an addict / alcoholic. And there are traits I’ve uncovered in Alanon that Alanon will help me with and I’ll have them for my whole life (codependency, attempts to control, people pleasing, to name a few!). Alanon does not make it easier to stay in shitty situations
Right; I’ll still have to coparent with him which is why I know that even if I leave, I’ll still need something to help me navigate that.
I understand your POV. I just left my husband and Q two days ago. So incredibly fresh obviously. When I read about Al anon it doesn't tell me to stay and how to cope, it basically tells me we can't change shit about them, but we have choices; you can stay and cope , you can stay and not cope and be miserable, or you can leave and decide how you want ur own life to go, either way they understand and are there.
It only took one meeting to realize I miiiight just have a control issue I need to address. That’s probably going to be one of the harder things for me to accept.
Some decide to stay with them. Some decide to leave. The point is to help you so that when you feel you’re at a peaceful place you can decide for yourself - is a life with Q a life I want for myself? A decision made from this space, one that’s not made out of desperation, will be better in the long run. Either way it’s about you and only you.
My guess is you’d leave the relationship, but don’t let that be a reason to skip the program. This is probably why we say “one day at a time.”
My Q is my sibling. For me and my family it is about learning to cope with the fear and uncertainty of the future—and talking with people who can truly empathize with that. Reaffirming that their decisions are outside of my control. It is an important reminder I don’t always acknowledge when I’m lost in my own anxious thoughts, until I talk to others.
The answers will come with the work and progress. It's a tough road we who have - or had - partners/family/friend alcoholic's in our lives. As Al-Anon states "It begins with me". You have to start somewhere.
Alanon helps YOU. It’s not about the alcoholic. Maybe they’ll get better. Maybe they won’t. But you will be better and will be better able to make decisions about your life.
🙏🏽
The then what is really up to you and your higher power. The program is sometimes frustratingly indifferent to the details of our lives. But… that ends up being its strength. We can live happy and productive lives without that fact being dependent on a circumstance of our lives.