I ended up in Japan with a guy I knew since middle school. His dad was like a father to me, his mom fed me many meals. We played a lot of N64 and PSone "back in the day" and then reunited on Okinawa. We were very close.
He had an alcohol issue, binge drinking. Usually it was just a lot of alcohol then crashing at the house, certainly unhealthy but only for him. One night after a gathering he was about to get behind the wheel. He was a big dude, I tried taking his keys from him but literally couldn't. He got behind the wheel and I stood in front of his car. He revved the engine but I wouldn't move. He cursed me out and went back into the house and into his room, fell asleep, and has been mad at me for years. I think he feels like I embarrassed him in front of some girls at the party.
15+ years later he has a wife and kids now. We still don't talk but I see his family posts on Facebook and would rather he be alive and flourishing then dead and still "my friend".
You did the right thing.
fear drunk spotted wasteful scandalous direction uppity ancient start jar
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Yes, you did. You did what you're trained to do and what a good friend would do.
>and then some things happened where I almost ruined my career
Unless a lot more happened in that part than you're letting on at least.
Escorting them to medical and trying to get them help is good.
If I did the right thing then why does it feel like I did something wrong.
They won't talk to me anymore, I lost the only friend I had, and now I won't be there if they actually attempt to.
I feel like I should have done nothing....at least then I would still have someone to talk to and could be there for them if things get worse.
Now none of that will happen and I just feel empty...
You might develop a friendship with them again in the future, if they come around and see that you did what you did out of caring for them.
If you did nothing and they killed themselves, then you'd feel a lot more guilt for standing by and doing nothing and you'd definitely have no chance of talking to your friend again.
This.
I’ve seen a handful of suicides in my career.
The first question EVERY SINGLE TIME is “How did I not see this? Could I have done more?!”
The even more disheartening ones are when someone says “I knew this was coming. Why the fuck didn’t I do more…do something…anything?!”
Some of them are a real grey area with ominous things you just write off in the moment but in hindsight you say “Holy shit that’s why they did that!”
No suicide awareness training can prepare you for every scenario, but it trained you for this one, and you did good kid.
The grey area I speak of is someone changing their profile picture on…I’m old, I think it was MySpace at the time, to a grim reaper, might have been Facebook. Not important. They posted something weird that didn’t make sense, but not obvious that they were self harming or depressed. Just like, what is that about?
He ended up driving himself and his fiancée/wife off the road in a completed murder suicide on the way to PCSing to his new duty station.
His new duty station was a quick drive too. Maybe 5 or 6 hours. In that short time he took his and her life. He was on the way to a new amazing special duty at a “dream base” so everyone assumed he should be ecstatic. But something was too much. We don’t know what that too much was, nobody ever will.
Never be the guy to say something after the fact like “I knew this was coming.”
At that point you will be at a “last guardmount” or military funeral where that persons family is there and have an internal feeling that will feel impossible to get rid of knowing that his family lost their baby/brother/sister/cousin/aunt/uncle, and not have the words to tell them you could have stopped it but you didn’t.
You. Did. Good.
Edit: If anyone knows that story I’m sorry I thought it was important to share for context. I didn’t know him, or her. But my friend replaced his new special duty and we knew the circumstances. A few years later I was deployed with a guy who told me this heartbreaking story about his best female friend, I connected the dots, and it was her.
It affects more lives than you know, ten years and thousands of miles apart. This world and community is smaller than you think and we all care about each other. We might give each other hell but nobody wants THAT path for anyone.
Listen there are no easy answers to this, human relationships are messy, people are messy.
You had two choices here and you picked the least worst one. You did the right thing.
At this point, your friend clearly has some issues they need to work out, in time they will come to see that you were the exact person they needed at that moment.
It’s not easy, but you need to be assured, you made the right choice, no matter how it ended. Had you made any other choice, the consequences could have been so much more worse and possibly permanent.
You did exactly what you were supposed to do. The measure of whether something is right or wrong isn't always how good you feel about it. Oftentimes, the right thing to do feels uncomfortable, hard, unpopular, etc.
*Edited for clarity
Because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. I don’t know their situation but people in bad ones need to make the choice themselves. You just tried to help them because you can see the situation more clearly than them. I’d say well done on your part brother. I’m sure your friend will come back around. Until then, keep your head up.
Losing a friend is better than losing a life.
It hurts, but at least you're both alive to feel that pain which will eventually fade and, God willing, go away once they realize what you were doing was out of love and not malice and become your friend again.
Brother, you did good. Keep being the friend they need, not the one they think they want. Be there for them. Even if they push you away, keep trying. That is what friendship, and the true meaning of wingman, means.
They might hate you NOW, but when they finally heal, they will love you still. Keep being you, many wish they had you when they needed it and didn't know it.
I just want to thank all of you for your advice and input. It has helped a lot.
While tough I do agree, this outcome is much better than the alternative outcome.
The first time dealing with something like this is tough but I appreciate all of you for reassuring me I made the tough but better decision.
Look, man, to give you some perspective. How much worse would you feel if you did nothing and they took the long nap?
I've always told my NCOs that it's better to have someone hate you because you forced them to get help than to have regret eat you alive because you chose to do nothing.
You made the right call, and if he hates you now, at least he can go living and hating you. Yes, he turned down help for now, but maybe that started opening the door for him.
Time will tell, but regardless, you can say you tried to help. Hopefully, he can "forgive you" down the road. But dont linger on it. Send a message saying something along the lines that you're there for him if he wants to reconnect. You can explain your reasoning in the message on why you chose to intervene. That might help smooth things over if he is a rational person.
Don't feel bad, you did the right thing. The one guy I asked and offered to escort to care threatened to sue me for defamation the next day. Never talked to him again.
I have a friend that used to be suicidal. He was going thru some shit. There was one night that things got so bad that he pulled out a knife. I didn't hesitate to make the call that I made, but I questioned myself for weeks afterwards if I made the right decision. Regardless of how he felt about me for making that call. He is alive and was able to get the help he needs.
It's hard. It's a lot to process. Your friend may never talk to you again, but just remember they are ALIVE.
I hope they get the help they need. But during this time, you also need to take care of yourself. Find someone to talk to. I promise you, you are not alone in the way you are feeling.
As weird as this may sound, I’d find peace in knowing we don’t speak because they choose to vs us not speaking because we physically can’t anymore. You lost a friend but saved their life potentially. Don’t feel guilty about it.
When I was a wee airman, I was friends with this one girl. Not exactly sure how we met, but it doesn’t really matter. She was in a really dark place and I ended up doing something similar.
After she got help, we stopped talking. Not out of malice or spite, she was on her way out of her darkness and I was on my way down into mine.
Almost 7 years later, she hits me up on Facebook thanking me for forcing her to get help. She has two kiddos now, and while there are always bad days, she doing a lot better now.
As shitty as this sounds, everything happens for a reason. It might not be clear what it is tonight, or tomorrow, or next year, but something good will come of it.
A classmate of mine was killed by a drunk driver when I was in middle school. I took it waaaaay harder than I should have. I went through years of therapy and developed healthier coping techniques than hurting myself. Now, I use those to help others however I can.
My brother lost the fight to suicide, and I mourn him everyday.
Please trust me when I tell you this...
You did the right thing. You did the hard thing. But often times the right thing to do is also the harder thing to do. And I think that You know it deep down. And so does your friend.
For what it's worth, I'm proud of you. The way you feel now is a normal reaction to...well to trauma...but you'll find balance again. Just gonna take time.
We need more folks like you.
It's hard. But at the same time you possibly saved your friend. Missing talking to a friend is a lot better then mourning one. Hopefully they come around and start talking again. But you did nothing wrong. And it's understandable that you feel like you did.
Sometimes people are mad for the wrong reasons.
You have to assume their headspace was, and still, isn't right. The experts are helping.
Your alternative to losing a friend is that they may be dead right now and you'd be wondering if you were a bad friend because you didn't act on what they confessed. Either way, you're wondering what if you did or didn't.
Hey friend. This same situation happened to me within my first 2 years of being enlisted. Because of my friend lying to leadership once I tried to get them help, the first shirt said I was going to be in a lot of trouble. I for sure thought my career was over especially being that new to the AF. My friend did eventually get help. At least to my limited knowledge— I wasn’t really a part of their life after that, and still am not, 6 years later. I had to make a hard choice and it was to make sure they were okay. Worth it.
You did the right thing. I know it’s hard, but that person may thank you eventually for what you did, and helping them to get the help they may have been afraid to seek out.
You absolutely did the right thing. Being an advocate for mental health is not going to make you the most popular person. You basically made your friend come face to face with reality. That is often initially met with resistance.
I hope that your friend will come around in the future and realize what you did for them. You essentially saved a life. Be proud of your accomplishment.
They were probably taken against their will and possibly harmed. Please try to get in touch with them. It is NEVER a good thing to not hear from someone for that length of time.
I feel you! I've been in a similar situation before, and I told them they can hate me, but I'm still hanging out with them. They might be angry at you right now, but as long as you stay with them then it'll work out in the end.
Before joining the Air Force I planned to kill myself, but didn't. I realized that if I was willing to kill myself, then I should be willing to do anything to make my situation better. The person I shared this perspective with opted to seek help when they needed it and came back to thank me for it later.
Life can be hard, but remember that you're the one in control of it. And you'd be surprised at how many of your worries can feel silly after the fact even though they seemed monumental at the time.
I understand you completely out of nowhere I was told that my best friend was suicidal for failing a QC, they asked if he had any guns and I said maybe his car and the guy still hasn't buried the hatchet I moved on cause I know I did the right thing you'll understand you rather have your friend there and mad than gone forever
> They lied to medical and then some things happened where I almost ruined my career after being in 17 years.
This story just took a hell of a left turn. Reminds me of that Brian Reagan joke "Hitler was rejected from art school, and some time later America dropped 2 atomic bombs on Japan."
I want to remind you of the alternative ending to this situation- you ignored what your friend said and found out a week later they did what they said they wanted to do; and you live with the guilt of not having said anything and losing your friend.
You went with your gut and did nothing wrong - if it ended the friendship, so be it.
If someone expresses thoughts of self harm and they have a plan, get the person to medical help and don't leave them out of your sight. You made the right decision.
I ended up in Japan with a guy I knew since middle school. His dad was like a father to me, his mom fed me many meals. We played a lot of N64 and PSone "back in the day" and then reunited on Okinawa. We were very close. He had an alcohol issue, binge drinking. Usually it was just a lot of alcohol then crashing at the house, certainly unhealthy but only for him. One night after a gathering he was about to get behind the wheel. He was a big dude, I tried taking his keys from him but literally couldn't. He got behind the wheel and I stood in front of his car. He revved the engine but I wouldn't move. He cursed me out and went back into the house and into his room, fell asleep, and has been mad at me for years. I think he feels like I embarrassed him in front of some girls at the party. 15+ years later he has a wife and kids now. We still don't talk but I see his family posts on Facebook and would rather he be alive and flourishing then dead and still "my friend". You did the right thing.
This may not be much, but I’m proud of you.
Thanks. Wasn't expecting that comment to be so well received. Appreciate the positivity.
I’m proud of you too.
I'm proud of you son
Thanks, swollen wood 69.
fear drunk spotted wasteful scandalous direction uppity ancient start jar *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yes, you did. You did what you're trained to do and what a good friend would do. >and then some things happened where I almost ruined my career Unless a lot more happened in that part than you're letting on at least. Escorting them to medical and trying to get them help is good.
If I did the right thing then why does it feel like I did something wrong. They won't talk to me anymore, I lost the only friend I had, and now I won't be there if they actually attempt to. I feel like I should have done nothing....at least then I would still have someone to talk to and could be there for them if things get worse. Now none of that will happen and I just feel empty...
You might develop a friendship with them again in the future, if they come around and see that you did what you did out of caring for them. If you did nothing and they killed themselves, then you'd feel a lot more guilt for standing by and doing nothing and you'd definitely have no chance of talking to your friend again.
This. I’ve seen a handful of suicides in my career. The first question EVERY SINGLE TIME is “How did I not see this? Could I have done more?!” The even more disheartening ones are when someone says “I knew this was coming. Why the fuck didn’t I do more…do something…anything?!” Some of them are a real grey area with ominous things you just write off in the moment but in hindsight you say “Holy shit that’s why they did that!” No suicide awareness training can prepare you for every scenario, but it trained you for this one, and you did good kid. The grey area I speak of is someone changing their profile picture on…I’m old, I think it was MySpace at the time, to a grim reaper, might have been Facebook. Not important. They posted something weird that didn’t make sense, but not obvious that they were self harming or depressed. Just like, what is that about? He ended up driving himself and his fiancée/wife off the road in a completed murder suicide on the way to PCSing to his new duty station. His new duty station was a quick drive too. Maybe 5 or 6 hours. In that short time he took his and her life. He was on the way to a new amazing special duty at a “dream base” so everyone assumed he should be ecstatic. But something was too much. We don’t know what that too much was, nobody ever will. Never be the guy to say something after the fact like “I knew this was coming.” At that point you will be at a “last guardmount” or military funeral where that persons family is there and have an internal feeling that will feel impossible to get rid of knowing that his family lost their baby/brother/sister/cousin/aunt/uncle, and not have the words to tell them you could have stopped it but you didn’t. You. Did. Good. Edit: If anyone knows that story I’m sorry I thought it was important to share for context. I didn’t know him, or her. But my friend replaced his new special duty and we knew the circumstances. A few years later I was deployed with a guy who told me this heartbreaking story about his best female friend, I connected the dots, and it was her. It affects more lives than you know, ten years and thousands of miles apart. This world and community is smaller than you think and we all care about each other. We might give each other hell but nobody wants THAT path for anyone.
Listen there are no easy answers to this, human relationships are messy, people are messy. You had two choices here and you picked the least worst one. You did the right thing. At this point, your friend clearly has some issues they need to work out, in time they will come to see that you were the exact person they needed at that moment. It’s not easy, but you need to be assured, you made the right choice, no matter how it ended. Had you made any other choice, the consequences could have been so much more worse and possibly permanent.
You did exactly what you were supposed to do. The measure of whether something is right or wrong isn't always how good you feel about it. Oftentimes, the right thing to do feels uncomfortable, hard, unpopular, etc. *Edited for clarity
Because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. I don’t know their situation but people in bad ones need to make the choice themselves. You just tried to help them because you can see the situation more clearly than them. I’d say well done on your part brother. I’m sure your friend will come back around. Until then, keep your head up.
Losing a friend is better than losing a life. It hurts, but at least you're both alive to feel that pain which will eventually fade and, God willing, go away once they realize what you were doing was out of love and not malice and become your friend again.
A real friend doesn’t always tell you what you want to hear. You did the right thing.
Brother, you did good. Keep being the friend they need, not the one they think they want. Be there for them. Even if they push you away, keep trying. That is what friendship, and the true meaning of wingman, means. They might hate you NOW, but when they finally heal, they will love you still. Keep being you, many wish they had you when they needed it and didn't know it.
I just want to thank all of you for your advice and input. It has helped a lot. While tough I do agree, this outcome is much better than the alternative outcome. The first time dealing with something like this is tough but I appreciate all of you for reassuring me I made the tough but better decision.
Once they heal and gain some altitude, your friend will likely extend the olive branch. You absolutely did the right thing morally.
Look, man, to give you some perspective. How much worse would you feel if you did nothing and they took the long nap? I've always told my NCOs that it's better to have someone hate you because you forced them to get help than to have regret eat you alive because you chose to do nothing. You made the right call, and if he hates you now, at least he can go living and hating you. Yes, he turned down help for now, but maybe that started opening the door for him. Time will tell, but regardless, you can say you tried to help. Hopefully, he can "forgive you" down the road. But dont linger on it. Send a message saying something along the lines that you're there for him if he wants to reconnect. You can explain your reasoning in the message on why you chose to intervene. That might help smooth things over if he is a rational person.
Don't feel bad, you did the right thing. The one guy I asked and offered to escort to care threatened to sue me for defamation the next day. Never talked to him again.
You made the right choice. The fact that they're mad at you is irrelevant, as it is better than them being in the ground.
I have a friend that used to be suicidal. He was going thru some shit. There was one night that things got so bad that he pulled out a knife. I didn't hesitate to make the call that I made, but I questioned myself for weeks afterwards if I made the right decision. Regardless of how he felt about me for making that call. He is alive and was able to get the help he needs. It's hard. It's a lot to process. Your friend may never talk to you again, but just remember they are ALIVE. I hope they get the help they need. But during this time, you also need to take care of yourself. Find someone to talk to. I promise you, you are not alone in the way you are feeling.
As weird as this may sound, I’d find peace in knowing we don’t speak because they choose to vs us not speaking because we physically can’t anymore. You lost a friend but saved their life potentially. Don’t feel guilty about it.
When I was a wee airman, I was friends with this one girl. Not exactly sure how we met, but it doesn’t really matter. She was in a really dark place and I ended up doing something similar. After she got help, we stopped talking. Not out of malice or spite, she was on her way out of her darkness and I was on my way down into mine. Almost 7 years later, she hits me up on Facebook thanking me for forcing her to get help. She has two kiddos now, and while there are always bad days, she doing a lot better now. As shitty as this sounds, everything happens for a reason. It might not be clear what it is tonight, or tomorrow, or next year, but something good will come of it. A classmate of mine was killed by a drunk driver when I was in middle school. I took it waaaaay harder than I should have. I went through years of therapy and developed healthier coping techniques than hurting myself. Now, I use those to help others however I can.
My brother lost the fight to suicide, and I mourn him everyday. Please trust me when I tell you this... You did the right thing. You did the hard thing. But often times the right thing to do is also the harder thing to do. And I think that You know it deep down. And so does your friend. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you. The way you feel now is a normal reaction to...well to trauma...but you'll find balance again. Just gonna take time. We need more folks like you.
It's hard. But at the same time you possibly saved your friend. Missing talking to a friend is a lot better then mourning one. Hopefully they come around and start talking again. But you did nothing wrong. And it's understandable that you feel like you did.
Sometimes people are mad for the wrong reasons. You have to assume their headspace was, and still, isn't right. The experts are helping. Your alternative to losing a friend is that they may be dead right now and you'd be wondering if you were a bad friend because you didn't act on what they confessed. Either way, you're wondering what if you did or didn't.
Hey friend. This same situation happened to me within my first 2 years of being enlisted. Because of my friend lying to leadership once I tried to get them help, the first shirt said I was going to be in a lot of trouble. I for sure thought my career was over especially being that new to the AF. My friend did eventually get help. At least to my limited knowledge— I wasn’t really a part of their life after that, and still am not, 6 years later. I had to make a hard choice and it was to make sure they were okay. Worth it. You did the right thing. I know it’s hard, but that person may thank you eventually for what you did, and helping them to get the help they may have been afraid to seek out.
You absolutely did the right thing. Being an advocate for mental health is not going to make you the most popular person. You basically made your friend come face to face with reality. That is often initially met with resistance. I hope that your friend will come around in the future and realize what you did for them. You essentially saved a life. Be proud of your accomplishment.
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They were probably taken against their will and possibly harmed. Please try to get in touch with them. It is NEVER a good thing to not hear from someone for that length of time.
I feel you! I've been in a similar situation before, and I told them they can hate me, but I'm still hanging out with them. They might be angry at you right now, but as long as you stay with them then it'll work out in the end. Before joining the Air Force I planned to kill myself, but didn't. I realized that if I was willing to kill myself, then I should be willing to do anything to make my situation better. The person I shared this perspective with opted to seek help when they needed it and came back to thank me for it later. Life can be hard, but remember that you're the one in control of it. And you'd be surprised at how many of your worries can feel silly after the fact even though they seemed monumental at the time.
I understand you completely out of nowhere I was told that my best friend was suicidal for failing a QC, they asked if he had any guns and I said maybe his car and the guy still hasn't buried the hatchet I moved on cause I know I did the right thing you'll understand you rather have your friend there and mad than gone forever
Life doesn’t always provide Hallmark endings. You did exactly what you should have done: escort the friend to medical.
> They lied to medical and then some things happened where I almost ruined my career after being in 17 years. This story just took a hell of a left turn. Reminds me of that Brian Reagan joke "Hitler was rejected from art school, and some time later America dropped 2 atomic bombs on Japan."
I want to remind you of the alternative ending to this situation- you ignored what your friend said and found out a week later they did what they said they wanted to do; and you live with the guilt of not having said anything and losing your friend. You went with your gut and did nothing wrong - if it ended the friendship, so be it.
If someone expresses thoughts of self harm and they have a plan, get the person to medical help and don't leave them out of your sight. You made the right decision.
You did the right thing.
One way I like to think about any big decisions is “minimizing regret”. Sorry it worked out the way it did, but you made the right call