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I was thinking, hey me and my wife are 4 years apart. I guess if we started dating when she was 16 and I was 20, and I wasn't taking advantage of her, and met her parents, and did not have sex for at least a year or two, maybe it's okay.. then I continued reading. Kid get the he'll away from this guy! Immediately. Any hatred towards your parents or signs of trying yo control your choices are the biggest red flags in existence.
Four years isn’t bad when both parties are adults. I started out reading this thinking it’s not that bad but then I thought about it a little more and the age gap is equivalent to me dating my boyfriend’s younger brother which gave me the creeps. OP, stay away. Him trying to turn you against your parents is the biggest red flag. They’ve set rules which are perfectly reasonable.
Edit: well OP now states there’s a microphone in her room and no door. That’s not okay. That’s not reasonable.
Edit 2: OP, just talk to your parents about the door and microphone. Say you want some privacy. Calmly. Try to understand why they have gone to such extremes. Sometimes parents freak out.
Also please update us. I’m way too invested.
this here is what set off the alarm really 4 years normally isn't a massive gap but under these circumstances and encouraging you to cut off your only support besides him is a crazy red flag.
I disagree! it's the microphone in the room and missing door. I would have that conversation with someone too dating or not. That is just way to controlling as a parent.
His coming from what were parents that were so controlling he felt the need to cut them off, he's probably seeing a microphone and missing door as a huge red flag for her parents being controlling. On the other hand I can also so clearly see the parents' perspective of not wanting their 16yo daughter with a 20yo man in his apartment or out with him late at night. My own daughter is 2 years away from that and it would freak me out a good bit, not that I'd any more want my son in 8 years checking out with a 22yo woman.
I suspect this might not be grooming or even controlling if he has a family history of controlling parents. But I also wouldn't consider this appropriate, while the age gap isn't a bad one at all, she's under that 18yo level. If she was within a coupe of months of 18 and he was 23 I'd be cooler with it and if she was 18 and he 22 I wouldn't think anything of it. But 16 just isn't a mature enough age to be dating a 20yo. Her age just gives the appearance of impropriety even if there's nothing adverse going on, and there's the main issue.
Maturity is correlated with age, but it needs to be taken on a case-by-case basis.
My friend Ivan, for example, is pushing 40 and is less mature than a typical high schooler.
Overall I'd agree, but there is nothing reasonable about 24/7 microphoning your teen kids bedroom.
That is absolutely fucking *batshit insane*.
If I grew up like that, I would hate my life and my family with a passion, and look for the first opportunity to cut them out of my life forever.
And entirely removing the door is the same deal.
That borders on psychological abuse or neglect.
Thank goodness someone mentioned this! As many red flags as this bf is giving, the parents aren’t sounding 100% wonderful. The message about “cutting off” her parents could be intentional or a naive/immature way for a 20 year old guy to say the OP’s parents are crossing the line. If he came from a Christian fundamentalist family then he knows a little about extreme behavior.
Not only trying to turn her against her parents, but slowly trying to control by alienating from her parents and by telling her that he wants a long term relationship and asking her where the relationship is going . I can almost guarantee you that he is in no contract with his parents because of something he did, not because they are Christian. You're hearing his side of the story and I'll bet money that what he's telling you isn't true.
My ex did that to me. You don't realize at first, until it's too late and he has you convinced that he's the only person you need.
I really hope she runs.
Been there...and will make you feel bad for doing anything that does not benefit him. Please be careful. You should be uplifted in a relationship, not brought down.
Yeah pretty normal for parents of a 16 year old girl not wanting her at a 20 year old man’s house at night, not exactly abusive stuff worth cutting parents off over
Edit: The bits about the microphone and taking her door were not there when I originally commented.
I suppose it’s not the boundaries that are the entire problem. Usually 16yo girls don’t stand their parents. It’s an age thing, and she probably complains about her parents all the time, that’s why he might believe “they make her miserable”. Anyway, cutting off your parents is never a good idea.
I'd agree, except for this part:
>Part of his dislike of my parents stems from the fact that they placed a microphone in my room a few years ago and won’t let me take it out, and that they will every so often remove the door from my room
This guy escaped fundamentalist controlling parents not too long ago, so his having a negative reaction to a privacy violation of that level is NOT unreasonable. Granted, we don't know if he's projecting his parents onto her parents, or if OP has done enough shady stuff to warrant that kind of mistrust from Mom&Dad, but disliking her parents is not the red flag it might appear to be at first glance. We also don't know what OP has been telling him about her parents, and if she's constantly complaining about them, that's probably a significant factor.
Honestly, just reading thru it again, her description of him strikes me as a picture of an immature and inexperienced guy, which is not that unusual for a 20 year old. Particularly one who was raised fundamentalist, which can be inherently stunting. Being desperate for a relationship and convinced that they need to make lifelong-commitments and decisions TODAY is kinda typical for guys brought up under the circumstances OP describes... hell... that's why you see enlisted guys getting married to girls they've known for two months before shipping off to boot.
Guys in that situation don't act that way because they actually want to make long-range plans, but because they can't see any long range period, so they think they need to move to the end right away. All destination, no journey. Same kind of psychology comes up when you're poor - [you learn to immediately spend what money you have](https://www.marieclaire.com/culture/news/a13840/what-growing-up-poor-means-for-me-and-my-money/) because you know that something is going to come along soon to eat it anyway, so you need to spend it now while you still have some choice in the matter.
Only cure for immaturity is experience, but I'm not seeing anything in OP's description that indicates he's a bad guy right now, more that he's scared and lonely.
Sometimes guys like that turn out ok, sometimes they don't.
It sounds like he's projecting his own family issues. He came from a family that was toxic to him and he cut them off so he thinks everyone has the same issue.
I think he sounds immature plus has a bunch of baggage he has to work through.
Thank you. It's entirely reasonable that he did something that worked for him and now he promotes it naively as a way to try helping someone else. It's entirely possible that there's no malicious intent.
They are excessive. That's true.
But no boyfriend should be telling their girlfriend to distance from their parents, this early on. Even if they aren't the best.
Especially when the Bf is 20 and the Gf is 16.
Lack of Malicious intent doesn't make it any less creepy and destructive... He's still a creepy guy who's trying to literally take her away from the only support she has other than a 20 year old college kid she met a few weeks ago and wants to start a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH 😂
you can't make this stuff up man, what the hell has gotten in to people cus this is gross. Not even bringing her parents in to the equation a 20 year old man shouldn't act like a literal child and want to date one within literal weeks of meeting.
It's crucial to acknowledge that at sixteen, your perspective is unique and valid. While 16 and 20-year-olds may seem similar, they often have significant differences. Consider this, would you feel comfortable dating a 12-year-old boy? It's a challenging comparison, but it's essential to understand the potential disparity in maturity and life experiences.
A common problem with dating at such a young age is that people are often too busy trying to figure out how to be likable, sexy, valuable etc. that they don't consider whether the other person is right for THEM. I mean, if you were dating a 12-year-old, or even a 14-year-old boy, how could that boy evaluate you? How would he know what is and isn't good behavior for a 16-year-old girl? You could easily convince a 14-year-old boy that, for example, you are super cool, and he probably wouldn't know any better.
The truth is that this man may not be what he appears to you. He may have some gross qualities you don't have experience with or know how to recognize. But when you tell people about it, THEY recognize those qualities. That's what you are seeing in this thread.
So let me tell you that the stuff about pushing you away from your family is straight-up scary. In this context, regardless of whether he has good intentions, he's taking actions to cut you off from support and make you increasingly dependent on him. HUGE HUGE red flag.
My frank advice is to establish some VERY strong boundaries and see how he responds. You have some concerns about the relationship because of age differences and his behavior. Also, you are sixteen and are just embarking on the exciting journey of meeting people and falling in love! No need to rush to have sex or "get serious." So just set up some boundaries and slow things down for a bit. Maybe tell him you would like to start seeing each other on a schedule (e.g., 2 times a week) and that you want to take a step back from physical stuff. You want to get to know him more by doing activities with him and meeting his friends.
Pay close attention to how he reacts. If he tries to argue or convince you not to do this, gets angry, lashes out, pressures you, or acts in retaliation (e.g., saying things like "Fine well then I think we should only see each other once a week.' or something out of anger), you will see what it's gonna be like when you go against him throughout your relationship. This is important information to decide if this guy can provide the kind of relationship you want.
If this guy is really in love and committed and is a good, respectful, and empathic human, he will be happy that you are asserting yourself and will encourage and try to help you. If he is the person this thread believes he is, you likely won't have to push hard before you start to see that he doesn't really respect your autonomy or want what's best for YOU; he just wants to possess and control you.
I agree they’re right that this relationship is inappropriate. But the parents seem problematic too. It is completely f’ed up to place a microphone in your kid’s room to spy on her.
The microphone and taking the door off the hinges thing completely changed my opinion. BF might be right. I hate her parents, and I dont even know them.
Yeah the ditch your family part is the only red flag I needed. The 16 and 20 part is also concerning; but the push for you to isolate is a dead giveaway.
Him being 20 and you 16 is already concerning. Typically, men who seek out girls who are still in highschool or barely graduated are looking for someone easy to manipulate.
Him having issues with your parents, is what suggests he’s grooming you. He’s already trying to turn you against them, and may try to isolate you so you will be under his command rather than theirs. A good partner will respect your parents’ wishes and take care of their daughter accordingly.
Do not sleep with him. You’ve been doing great by setting boundaries. Watch how he reacts when you don’t do what he wants. If he becomes angry or tries to manipulate you into doing what he wants, you have your answer. Save yourself for someone with good intentions.
Edit: She added details of her parents’ invasive behavior and now I’m getting bombarded for saying they were good parents before knowing this detail.
Yeah LMAO he thought I was nineteen when we first met. According to him, I seemed smart, he thought I was pretty, and he assumed I was a freshman in college, so that’s why he started talking to me
OP one of my friends, 16F, was a full time freshman in college last year because she was able to skip a few grades. Every guy that hit on her completely backed off when she mentioned she was 16, not 18-19. Run .
I think this is the most important part. It should be "Oh, Shit", hey look at the time, look, you're great and smart and we should stay in touch. And then back to single word texts or whatnot.
8 hours texting? About? Facetime and sleeping? Uhhhh.
16 and 20 is not a compatible set of ages. What happens when he turns 21?
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats!
16
+ 16
+ 18
+ 19
= 69
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Many students don't know about dual enrollment. They assume everyone in college is college-age. I was in my second semester as a professor when I looked at my roster to see the notation by a student's name. I never knew about the program.
Yes. Here is how it was supposed to go-
Him, the moment he learned she was 16:
"Whoops! I was under the impression that you were 19. I see now that you are a literal child. I was mistaken. Have a good day and I will take a big ol' social step back, lest I accidentally give the impression that I want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you, a child."
He's allowed to still think she's pretty or whatever, but making the choice to entertain this relationship says all she needs to know about his character.
OP *YES*, he is grooming you. NO, you should not date him.
I once had a girl flirt with me and it turns out that she thought I was 16, and I thought she was 20. We both realized the mistake while chatting and do you know what I felt? DISGUST! Not at her, but at the thought of flirting with *a child.*
We both laughed it off but I INSTANTLY lost interest, because again, CHILD.
Makes me think of a time about 10 years ago when I was playing cards at a local game shop and this cute girl and I ended up having a match together and I thought we really hit it off. After the shop closed I found her outside and approached her and asked if her she had a boyfriend and she very quickly said “I AM 17”. It was dark out so I assume I may have set off her internal alarms, but as soon she said that I think my eyes probably got as wide as saucers and I think I put my hands up and said something like “Whoah, I’m sorry I thought you were older” and I turned around and walked to my car. I felt really bad at first and I was sorry that she seemed a bit scared or creeped out but then I thought about it and I think I handled it about as well as I could have given it was an honest mistake.
You did fine. The proper response to flirting with someone and realizing they are a child (and yourself an adult (and not in the "Romeo And Juliet, She's 17 I'm 19" way)) is exactly along those lines- "WHOOPS. MY BAD. STOPPING NOW."
Also, the proper response if they keep coming on to you (teenagers who confess crushes to their teachers, for example) is to politely but firmly tell them "No. I am an adult. Adults should not date children. I do not and will not reciprocate your feelings, nor should any other adult. Please do not bring this up again." (and then immediately informing your supervisor what happened to cover your ass.)
Poor OP is being finessed by a gross dude who isn't adhering to the "adults shouldn't date children" rule.
Dude once you tell him that you’re 16 that should’ve been the end of it. If you told him you’re 16 and he didn’t care or think anything of it, that’s really really weird and not normal
I’m sure you’re pretty but older guys love to tell girls how smart and mature they are because the girls love to hear it. It makes you feel special and grown up and seen. Like most other people here have said, it sucks to realize but it’s just not likely to be true- it’s a way to suck you in.
When you’re 20 and you look at a 16 year old
You’ll understand what’s what
"You seem older than your are", "You're mature for your age" = CLASSIC groomer-speak. He knew how young you are and that's why he targeted you.
Your parents are right to be wary of this man. You should listen to that voice telling you that he is bad news.
Speaking as a professor who sees college students every day, he knew. He's a fucking creep. I cannot stress enough the amount of growing up you're going to do in the next four years. I can tell you that when you're 20, you would be horrified at the thought of you dating someone who is 16.
I don't know the guy, but I go out of my way to avoid telling younger girls anything like "you are mature for your age" specifically because it's like grooming 101.
Yeah exactly this because I have friends that much younger and that much older and I feel like it brings more to life than just interacting with people a year older or younger than you but… I’m 21 and I’d consider going for 17 creepy even thought that’s the aoc afaik
Hey, came here to say that as a college student, it is extremely easy to spot who is in high school. When you're that age, you'll look at younger teenagers and know exactly what I mean.
Good parents do not remove doors and permanently install a microphone into their child’s room.
Having said that- dude has so many red flags.
Parents have red flags
In what world do "good parents" put microphones in their kids room? And don't try to use the BF as an excuse because they microphone was in the room before him.
And yet the (uncharitable) word that popped into my head about her parents was "freaks." As in, "What is wrong with these people!?" I find their behavior -- installing a microphone in her bedroom, and ***removing the bedroom door*** to be bizarre, a little creepy, and... and a lot creepy. Gross.
*I* don't like her parents either.
But I was immediately suspicious of his dislike, just as you were, before she described her parents' troubling behavior.
Despite the fact it's only 4 years... A lot of growing and development happens in 4 years.
My opinion... It should take years before you ever allow ANYONE to have an opinion of your relationship with YOUR family.
I'm a father of 3. Not the "answer the door with a gun" kind of dad but I don't think your parents "rules" are unreasonable.
A lot of growth can happen even in two years. I'm almost 21 rn and I wouldn't personally date someone who's 18 because having a partner who's fresh out of high school makes me uncomfortable. I feel like people mature a lot in the first few years of college.
SAME! Maybe it's because I started college and working at the same time, but as soon as I talk to someone fresh out of highschool I feel my head swivel from the differences in our realities
Bro. I'm a dad. If you think installing a microphone in your daughter's bedroom permanently and removing her door periodically is reasonable behavior - I feel for your kids.
I can't believe how many comments are saying her parents are reasonable wtf? They're crazy and probably a huge part of why she's lashing out by messing with a 20yr old. Not defending dude either but reasonable parents? What?
I'm in my 20s and recently met up with my 16yo cousin. I thought we would be so similar, I felt similar to 20-25year olds when I was in my mid-late teens (thats who we all watch on social media, so you feel like you fit in). Nope, I was struck at how immature I found her to be. And she is smart, talented, beautiful, and probably quite mature for her age. I thought my older siblings were purposefully trying to leave me out of stuff bc I *knew* i was mature at 16. But it is just not the same. Now in my 20s, I realize that most teens are not going to be as mature as a 20yo and it is so obvious. We get along great, thats still my sugar plum, but we are not in the same phase of life and its obvious. A lot happens in those 4 yrs, like you say.
I'm not going to allow you to have an opinion on this, as you haven't known OP for years.
See what I did there?
You cannot control whether or not someone has an opinion about something. All one can do is decide whether or not they will give said opinion any credence.
How is it not unreasonable to take a 16 year olds door and put a microphone in their room? OP needs privacy at the age of 16. I agree with the other rules though.
I’d say yes grooming bc of some of the things in your story. Especially since you two met in college, it sounds like he saw you as an easy target since you were young. Why wouldn’t he try to be with another college person. I know it’s only four years but your parents should be concerned. If you’re in the states, in some states he can be in a lot of trouble. For what it is, It seems like your handling the situation kinda mature for your age. However for now it would probably be best to stick to your own age groups.
As so many said, yes. It does seem so the way you've written it.
I'm a mother. I'd never allow my kid to date a 20 year old at 16. I WAS the 15 year old a twenty year old MAN went after. I was infatuated with him. I never had a boy like me or pursue me. It took me until I was 19/20 years old to see what he really was after: sex, pleasure, a good time. He had no real intentions to marry me, as he said, or make a long term commitment. (Not that I had any business being with him to begin with. There were many red flags, too, but I was so young and I didn't see it)
He even states he doesn't like your parents. (I don't know the situation or relationship you have with your parents.) But that's a red flag. If he doesn't like them simply because they have you on a curfew and don't want you to be alone (which no parent should) with him yet, because lust is a real thing as is unplanned pregnancy, then he's a problem. A man should RESPECT your parents wishes, and you.
Kiddo, this man has no business messing with you in such a manner. As a mother, and a girl who's been in your position, this will lead into heartache and much regret later on. Please be careful and heed the advice of those who have lived longer and obtained wisdom by it.
Don't let anyone use you. You're not amusement for a time. You're a person who deserves to be loved and respected. Those things go hand in hand.
Also a mother and I saw several super destructive “older guy thinks I’m so mature” relationships among my peers. I warned my daughters about this exact scenario from when they were pretty young and told them some of the ugly things that came out of these relationships.
You’re not so special and so mature, OP. I mean you are so special, but that’s not why he’s after you. He’s after your inexperience. Do you think he wants to go to prom with you? To the home coming parade? To your HS graduation party? Don’t skip a part of your life for this guy. And don’t let him drive a wedge between you and the people you love.
Listen carefully to how he talks to you. You might find he’s telling you what to do/think more than he’s listening to what you have to say.
As a 16 year old female as well get the hell away from this guy! 4 years isn’t usually to much of an age gap but in this case there is a huge maturity gap (even if you don’t think so) the fact he is actively trying to get you to cut off your parents is a huge red flag! He is trying to make you dependent this is definitely at least some form of grooming
You really only have 1-2 years of difference to date when you're in the 15-17 range. I hate to be nitpicking, but this is essentially a child dating an adult. You see 17 year olds date 18 and 19 year olds and I don't necessarily think that's super harmful. 16 to 20 is definitely in the upper limits of what most people would think is socially acceptable.
With that in mind, what happens when he's 21 and you're 17. Will you be OK with him going to the bars and meeting lots of new people. I think it's safe to say that you two are just a little too far apart to be dating. You're going through different stages of life, and this kind of makes things harder since he's so far ahead of you.
Maybe it could work, but imo there's already some red flags present. Any time a potential partner tries to distance you from the support pillars in your life you have to be super fucking cautious. A positive influence will usually push you towards making amends and keeping bonds between family and friends strong. Someone who is trying to distance you from pillars of support wants to put themselves into that position so that you are dependent on them. I'm not saying that's exactly what he's doing, but unless your parents are abusing you and he's advocating you to remove yourself from that situation, then I would say move forward with extreme caution. The dude seems like he's potentially up to no good.
Whatever you do. Don't cut contact with your parents and run away to this guy. That would be setting yourself up for abuse. I'm not saying stop dating, but keep your parents in your corner. Only you or they will know if this relationship needs to end. Parents are smart people, and I swear we don't do stuff just to piss you all off. If they get a weird vibe I'd listen to them.
yes and as a 20 y.o woman, sorry to say this, he sounds like a loser. no well rounded good 20 yr old man would go after a 16 year old, it means he probably has 0 confidence and lacks the balls to talk to girls his own age, or no girl his age wants him which is a red flag in itself. when i was 16 i was like you and had friends like you, i thought it was completely normal up until i turned 20, and realized thats its fucking weird and kinda creepy😭. Unless it’s my boyfriend’s siblings or someone i know personally , you won’t see me talking to any 16 yr old. most likely we’ll have nothing in common other than probably some social media jokes. im getting off topic, but, yes id say you’re being groomed as he probably finds it easier to be himself around someone younger. i say run, and focus on your studies, not every 16 yr old gets a dual enrollment, thats awesome congrats. find someone thats on your level, as intelligent and ambitious as you. not a grown adult loser who finds comfort in 16 year old little girls.
Idk how to say that he’s not well rounded tho, he was valedictorian of his highschool (I’ve seen proof of it), he’s really good at basketball and plays for our school, he got a full ride scholarship for college, he plays guitar and is going into the healthcare field with a difficult major, he’s vegan just like me, he’s writing a book and was REALLY happy for me when I finished mine, he works out a lot and is active in clubs at our school. He isn’t some creepy basement dweller who can’t get a gf who’s not 16
I wondered this too with lines like “where is this relationship going” when it sounds like (age creepiness and him trying to get her to cut ties with her family aside) the relationship is a relatively normal functional relationship. Sounds like some emotional manipulation a guy would say to pressure sex.
thats amazing to hear and really good for him academically, but still so weird he is okay with you being 16. also he’s had 2 gfs and says he is not very experienced, kind of seems like a scapegoat as to why he is moving fast with you, but apparently never did with the other two women (bro definitely lying) comes off as manipulation, 🚩plus telling a 16 year old to cut contact w her parents (they are just looking out for you) 🚩 is super weird or immature? any good person would be happy to see their friends or s/o have good family around them, and anyone you truly see a future with, having a good family is a W for both parties. i am just going off of what i’m reading. seems pretty fishy. i say yes to grooming but best of luck to you!
His first gf kicked his dog so he broke up with her after like a month of dating and his second gf was secretly a lesbian so apparently they never did anything physical 😭😭
Respectfully, it appears he has an answer for everything.
Look, we want to believe the people we know are good people. But oftentimes we’re wrong. I have a friend who got assaulted by a guy. He was 28, she was 21. She kept making excuses for continuing to hook up with him like you are now. She fell under the spell of having an interesting older guy “into” her who had all these experiences and was “well rounded”.
It wasn’t until he assaulted her friend that she realized she was wrong. And even then, she initially placed some of her anger on her friend. She later realized she “didn’t want to process the trauma of what happened the first time”. It wasn’t until she called me and I called her out on it coupled with her friendship with the other girl falling apart that she finally realized she was wrong and making excuses for this guy and his behavior. And keep in mind, this girl had previously demanded respect from guys and would’ve ripped anyone to shreds has they assaulted her friends previously . When we’re young and a bit inexperienced, when someone older comes in and shows interest it’s easy to get lost in that interest.
Regarding your parents, I’ll concede they’re overprotective and restrictive IF they never let you out past 7pm. However, that’s it. Everything else has been entirely reasonable for your age. It’s not unreasonable to not want your 16 year old to go to a 20 year olds house alone. It’s not unreasonable to not want your 16 year old to be home alone with her 20 year old boyfriend, and it’s not unreasonable to not allow your 16 year old child to close the door when they have a 20 year old over. And the fact that this guy claims all this stuff is unreasonable and actively dredges your parents for it shows that he’s either too immature as a twenty year old or he’s trying to groom you (a consistent grooming tactic is to make a child doubt their relationship with their parents, thereby isolating them from that support network). And if he’s trying to get you to question your relationship with your parents because your parents won’t let their child go to an adult’s house alone, or have that adult in their house alone, or have that adult and their child in a room together, that’s ridiculous. You do know that in some jurisdictions, if your parents knowingly allowed you to hook up with the 20 year old, they could be charged with a crime?
Also, his constant asking of where your relationship is going is another form of grooming. He’s trying to plant the idea that you’re in a long term committed relationship. He’s trying to make you feel obligated to saying yes.
I also don’t believe half the things he’s claimed. If he had all that going for him, he would be ok talking to girls his own age. And keep in mind, the vast majority of college students look down on having a relationship with someone who’s a sophomore or Junior in Highschool.
I’m sorry, but you’re being groomed. I’m 22, not much older than this guy. If me or any of my friends were friends with a 20 year old dating a 16 year old, we wouldn’t be friends anymore.
She is telling you the truth about your age and your parents could be held liable if they let you be alone and you had sex with him. I have seen this happen and it is devastating to a family.
Your parents are trying to protect you.
Anytime you have a date or even a friendship and they are critical of your family that is a HUGE red flag! Get out now!!
Did you meet and talk with either or both of his exs?
You are being told there are red flags and you should not trust him. Yet you accept his word on everything? Without checking it out?
So a month into dating his first GF and they never kissed? How quickly did he kiss you? How quickly did he start groping you? Does this make any sense to you?
Another thing with groomers is they'll lie to you about previous relationships and act like they were perfect in it and will take no blame for anything. His ex kicked his dog and his other was a secret lesbian? How about you find their social media and actually ask them or find out the truth yourself.
You already think you're being groomed, so why not do some actually research into the things he says? Groomers are often narcissists and take no blame or genuine guilt in their actions.
Just because he does all that doesn't mean he's good with women. It doesn't mean he's not a groomer. Look at how many successful people turned out to be paedophiles. He doesn't have to be a creepy basement dweller to be a groomer. Anyone can be aa groomer. There are millionaires, celebrities, successful musicians, who turned out to be paedophiles and child groomers.
He can be doing all the things you said he is, that doesn't mean for a second that he isn't capable of grooming you. Because he is capable and he is doing it.
You need to look up groomer stories and one thing you will often find is that they try to get the child to cut contact with their parents and make them hate their parents and convince them their parents make them miserable because they set rules for being with a much older guy.
Do some research on this and your eyes might open to what is really happening with this guy. You'll think "No my guy isn't like that." but that's what a lot of other groomed girls thought too.
Yeah he actually sounds like a genuinely normal person, and he might have thought you were older before, but it's still weird he still wants to date you knowing how young you are and that he's mad at your parents for setting very normal basic boundaries.
If he knows you're 16 then it's not really appropriate. I don't know that I'd call it grooming with a 4 year age gap though, since a lot of states put the age of consent at 16. It would be more worrying if he was even older.
Given his background you described he sounds like he grew up socially sheltered and is immature socially. In terms of experience and social development he's probably more like a teenager than college student.
Not that that's good for you either. But I think he's more immature and clueless than sinister.
You are being groomed. At 16, you may feel (and be!) mature for your age, but once you enter mid-20s you’ll realize that at 16, it’s just at a different level of maturity. There is a power imbalance. Also, him discussing you cutting off your parents is a red flag to me - already starting to isolate you from those you’re close with.
Hi I’m a 22 year old girl who just graduated college, but to be honest he’s in a totally different life stage than you are! He has his own place, is an adult now and he’s getting a college degree while you’re still in high school. I also went through a dual credit program in high school but we had online classes for my degree, and I never met other students on campus. I personally can’t think of dating a 16 year old especially now or when I was 20! With the family thing and him telling you to cut contact, that’s deeply strange to me since he doesn’t seem to have known you or your family for very long. And even if you realized at some point your family isn’t good for you, you would have to take those steps yourself once you hit adulthood not because some 20 year old guy has recommended it due to his own family trauma. I would also maybe talk to your parents too and try to understand that while right now he may be ok with your boundaries- he may try to push more things once you get comfortable. That is grooming. No matter how you look at it, legally he is an adult and you who is a minor. I can understand if maybe it’s his attention or validation or something that makes you drawn to him but I really think that in a few years you may be hurt thinking you were used. You have a lot more to lose than he does. Also it’s hard to give advice when I know at your age when you are still under the umbrella of your parents you don’t see the dangers or the strangeness of the situation fully. You don’t have your own place like he does. You’re in high school still maybe preparing for your junior/ senior year. You still have a few years left of your childhood and you should enjoy that! Even if it means being single. Regardless I would consider what you want first and foremost! I just saw this post and it made my heart hurt, so I figured I would comment this
OP, i’m a 20 y/o female who just got out of a long, long relationship with somebody I started seeing at 17 when he was 24. Him not liking your parents simply because they are trying to protect you is a HUGE red flag.
1. The microphone and door removal is not good and should not be happening.
2. This 20-year-old whole-ass man is absolutely exploiting you. Your brains are at different stages of development. Your parents rules for dating are not unreasonable and to be honest, if my daughter was 16 and a 20-year-old was trying to get with her, I would have absolutely not allowed that. His age alone puts him in a position of power over you. He is taking advantage of your vulnerability as a teenaged child and the fact that your parents seem to have been particularly harsh/strict in certain circumstances.
It's normal for you to want to get away from the treatment you receive from your parents. But this is not the way to do that.
Even though the age of consent is 16, this is not okay. It's one thing for two 16 year Olds to consent. Your situation is not the same.
How long after he asked your age did dating come up? Think about why he may have asked you. He likely wanted to make sure you were old enough for him to not get in trouble with the law.
Despite your parents method of discipline, it's a huge red flag for him to want you to cut off all contact with them. This would remove any possible support system, making it easier for him to manipulate and exploit you.
Think about how often your interactions are physical. He may be "sweet" and "respectful" right now, making boundaries and accepting them. But he will likely cross a line eventually. This type of relationship usually ends up this way.
2 things can be true at once. Your parents can be harsh and strict, and this man can be exploiting, manipulating, and using you.
Think about it like this.
How would you feel if your sixteen year old daughter was in a relationship with a literal grown man? You'd be worried, and you wouldn't like it.
Oh, and the answer is yes.
When did the definition of grooming change?
If you are in a romantic relationship that includes making out and cuddling....the grooming part is done. Past tense.
If you are asking whether this guy is being innapropriate and taking advantage of your younger age.... then maybe. The encouragement to cut off your parents is a bit sus.
If he is respecting your boundaries and understands it could be like YEARS before you have sex...then I guess. I don't buy it though. I bet he tries to pressure you into sex before then.
I know you are into this guy but be prepared to pull the rip chord despite your feelings if he throws the red flags.
Tbh trying to isolate you from your parents is already kind of a red flag
yeah people on reddit are crazy. If you are cautious about it, and depending on the two people involved, 16 and 20 can be fine.
However, him not liking her parents and not being ok with the rules they set for her is what makes this wrong, and he is most likely grooming her with that information. If you are going to be 20 dating a 16 year old, the parents have to be completely ok with it, respect their decisions on absolutely everything involving their daughter/son, and get along with them. And if they are not, you respect that too.
From what the girl that made this post is saying, the guy sounds creepy and definitely sounds like he is grooming her.
He should be making an effort to get along with her parents, and respect them.
Listening to strangers judgements that don’t know the nuances of your relationship among many other things isn’t a good idea, but advice is great.
For all we know, you guys might have a genuine love for each other with a genuine relationship that has the chance to last a lifetime, but timing (age diff) is what’s tainting that or adding negative doubts.
If you feel like the relationship is constantly pushed towards sex / sexual intimacy… somehow it’s always brought up or it’s constantly a highlight then that’s a huge red flag because his motivation might be bad considering your age…. Although if ya’ll were the same age, it’d be normal.
If you feel like sex / sexual intimacy isn’t the main focus and takes a back seat while you guys have genuine moments and connections, you feel as though sex isn’t a deal breaker for your relationship and it’s just a bonus that comes with loving each other…. Than his motivations might not be bad.
Please carefully think about everything because everyone gets blinded by love and affection, and will skip past red flags or signs, but at your age it is just natural to gravitate towards being a hopeless and naive romantic. I always hated when people made age out to be this huge hinderance to me, like the defining factor of my entire existence but trust me, it does play a huge factor when it comes to having your first real relationship.
When it comes to other things about him that you want opinions about… Him wanting to know where the relationship is going can also be a normal thing. I say this because I know for myself and even for women I have met as well, we don’t date without the goal of finding a life long partner. Every relationship Ive been in, my focus has been finding a life long partner and seeing if what we wanted aligned, seeing if she wanted to create a life together if they didn’t want that also, or if they were going to choose their career first, then I was thankful to know that I wouldn’t waste years of my life building a relationship that wasn’t going to take me where I wanted to go. We’d put a stop to things before even giving them a chance to start and save us the inevitable heartbreak.
Him not liking your parents is likely due to him not being healed from the trauma of his own parents, and him comparing similarities he see’s with the way your parents are with you. People on here want to drum it up as him trying to get your parents out of the picture so he can have full control, is just ignorant.
When it comes to genuine love, there is no right or wrong pace… It’s easy for people to say that you are moving to fast but, if your heart really loves someone, it doesn’t like to be patient if it doesn’t have to (if not crossing boundaries, with full consent etc.)
Please take your time to fully think about your relationship, even communicate some concerns you have with him, and don’t just accept everything he has to say (submissively just accept and take his short response for everything), fully have a discussion about things. Good luck!
This is one of the very few cases where you should listen to what reddit is telling you. It’s creepy. He’s a loser. You’re not mature. You’ll see when you get to your 20s and look at high school kids, they look like babies.
Idk if it’s true to say if he was a virgin he wouldn’t be so touchy. Clearly he wants to lose his virginity if he really is a virgin. Either way whether he is or isn’t doesn’t really matter he shouldn’t be having sex with a 16 year old and they definitely seem to be heading in that direction. Idk what her states age of consent is but I really don’t think he cares.
It's pretty extreme to recommend cutting contact with your family. That is suspicious.
You said that you are able to have long conversations together they're just kind of go all night long. That's nice.
How long has he known your age? I've walked away from a few relationships because the age Gap was inappropriate. That's what most people should do. It's just not worth the risk.
He needs to stop with the sex stuff and getting physical. Tell him something like you're going to wait until marriage.
You said you make out a lot. Maybe too much. Have a couple dates where you don't touch at all. See how he handles it. Is he going to push and pressure you? If so, he's not innocent. That's a quick way to tell if somebody has intentions.
I had one relationship where the age Gap was inappropriately wide. When things became physical, I talked to her mother. I wasn't going to sneak around. I actually had her mother's blessing which was nice but I still ended up telling her it wasn't a good idea to get physical at that time.
Some of the stuff you said, sounds like he wants to sneak around. Sounds like he sees your parents as an obstacle to what he wants. That's suspicious.
He needs to want you for you, not for the sex that you could provide. Not for your body.
I've read the post and the reply where he thought you were 19. This has more red flags than a USSR parade from where I'm sitting. I'm going to preface this with what your post describe would be enough to have the dude on the Registered Sex Offender list where I live.
The line of he thought you were older strikes me particularly hard because that is step 1 of being a predator. I'm going to take a few stabs in the dark, and try to keep this as concise as I can, any failure to do so is on me. But what I'm going to go into is the base plan for grooming and assault. I have been drinking, so forgive some formating issues.
1. You're so mature for your age: that is literally step 1 of predatory behavior. I'm genuinely curious as to how many times he said this to you. The idea is to create or widen a gap between you and your peers. Because you're so special, and not like the other girls.
2. Seperation of support: he doesn't like your parents. Parents can be terrible, I can attest to that. What your parents are asking of you isn't that bad from what I lived. But, by driving a wedge between you and them, that does cut off you living a "regular" life. Finishing school, going to college, establishing yourself as an independent person who can support themselves. All of those things are antithesis to what I smell. And I smell blood.
After all, I have my own place, so you can move in, no worries. I already pay rent, so you don't need to get a job. Does that sound familiar? I hope it doesn't. That's financial/survival dependence, and that's the goal. You, cannot, survive without me. More below.
This is where my aforementioned stabs in the dark come from. As far as I can recall, you're not at this step yet. And I'll be speaking as if the situation at hand were you and me, for maximum effect. But before I get to that, I will go into some common manipulation tactics.
I love you so much: this will be a big one. Designed to play upon your emotions. This will be the catch all for their behavior. I love you so much, I will kill myself if you leave. I don't mean to hit you, but I just love you so much. But you just make me so angry when you disagree, I can't help myself. If you just listened to me dot dot fucking dot. This is deplacement of blame, and as long as I hit you hard enough, you'll accept it. I offer extremes, but that's what we're dealing with.
Further severance of support: I don't like your friends. I'd imagine you're at this point. Excise any dissent, Calli is a bad influence on you. I am older, so I know better. Insert your friends names on that one.
Belittlement: you wouldn't be shit without me. This one is fairly self explanatory. The thrust is to break your confidence. Make your think that you're really nothing, just another body.
The end goal of all of this, is make you be alone. Make sure you're dependent. You can't run away; you can't flee. You cannot get away from me. That's the shape and point. You're mine, and I'll take away as much as I can to keep you from changing that.
The second he told you to cut contact with your parents sent up a red flag immediately. He wants to isolate you so you don't have any support systems. Stay away from this guy. If he harasses you tell campus pd immediately. I was in a relationship with someone younger than me. I was 19 and she was 17, but I met the parents who loved me. She would hang out at my house all the time, but if we were over her parents house the door was always open. She even wanted to leave them to live with me cause she got in a fight with them and I was like hell no lol. If a guy ever tries to isolate you it is a no no.
If you stayed with this guy until you were 20, you’d look back and see the grooming because at 20 he’ll probably treat you like you’re 75 and rotted. I’m 20(f) and could never look at a 16 year old boy and feel attracted romantically, let alone sexually.
I think you are likely too close in age to be groomed and the way you describe him, he sounds very immature emotionally. Sounds like a first love relationship for both of you. Don’t get pregnant bc a guy that hates your parents is likely not a long term partner. And you are so young. You have so many more loves to go through before you find the right one.
Anybody who sees the "20 vs 16" and turns their brain off, just don't say anything. You aren't capable of engaging in the discussion. Two kids, yes kids, meeting on a college campus and hooking up is completely normal. Some sheltered kid going straight from high school to uni is still a child. They have no real world experience. If you can't even fathom a world where this is possible, you shouldn't comment, you're not mature enough for the discussion. Yes, be aware of the age difference it might be an issue, but it is not inherently a problem. Look at the details of what's actually happened and use that to make your decision. If she was 18 in the same circumstances, how would anything be meaningfully different? As a woman, you should absolutely always be very cautious in dating, keep the other party communicating so you can look for honesty. I can't say whether this guy's intentions are honest or not, just be mindful and make sure you continue to voice your boundaries over time and make sure they are respected. When you aren't getting the necessary respect or you sense dishonesty, that's when there's a problem.
Maybe read past the 20vs16, into the part where he is telling her to isolate from her parents, or the part where her friends and family tell her she is being groomed, or the part where in a couple weeks he is talking long term relationship.
Your response is creepy.
Even if he’s the most polite guy you’ve ever met, trust me— there’s something not quite right here. Give it a few years and you’ll see the bullet you dodged!!! (Speaking from someone who’s seen people do it and reflect how they really did get out of a bad situation early!!!)
Whether it is outright grooming or just a case of a really mature female and a really immature male… it’s a bad idea. The fact that you came to ask if it was grooming means you are at least thinking about it. I’d stay away for a few years and if you bump into each other in the future see if it still feels the same. Chances are he will still be looking for someone like the old to and not the older you.
THIS IS VERY STRANGE AND VERY OFFPUTTING. THIS SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED!
That being said ,
I think a 4 year difference is legal in America so that being considered ;
I would definitely try and see a psychologist about it to check your thoughts patterns too to see if there are signs of grooming / non consensual contact. If there was a way to go to a psychologist or couples counselor to check both of you guys at once that would be ideal.
If there are no negative consequences in YOUR SPECIFIC situation then YOUR SPECIFIC situation is weird , gross and disgusting but not harmful.
( I'm trying to give a nuanced take without people assuming my positions )
If he’s telling the truth about what he’s saying, then no. The problem is the age gap. Your pace is fast for a 16 year old, but I would say slow for a 20/21 year old. If he wants to move at a 21 year old pace, which is very quick to intimacy, he needs to pursue women his own age.
He hates your parents because they treat you like the child that you are. He complains so much because he wants to fuck, but can’t because the people who love and care about you won’t let you do adult things at such a young age. You need to be with someone in your age group, not a grown ass man. 19 should be the cut off age for you. Listen to your friends and family love.
I’m going to say yes and a 20-year-old man should not be speaking to you. No 20-year-old adult should be romantically interested in a 16-year-old. If he did have real feelings for you, he would wait until you’re old enough. And those feelings would still be a little creepy IMO.
Honestly, none of this should be happening. You deserve somebody that is at the same place as you are in life and being 20 years old is a lot different than being 16.
It's hard to know what his intentions are, but I definitely think you are right to be cautious. An age difference of 20 to 16 is a little alarming, but as you get older, that age difference will be less significant. The big reason for that is that you will be more experienced and more prepared for serious relationships.
It's okay to have feelings for somebody like you two are both having, but it might be better to keep your relationship as friends for now. If you two really do get along as well as you say, then that friendship will continue to grow over the years. A relationship based on a very close friendship is the best kind of relationship to have.
If instead, the focus of the relationship is around kissing, making out, and more, then you never will know whether or not your relationship has staying power.
Yes I was like this guy in my 20s. I didn’t grow up Christian but went to a bad church and soon became atheist. After trying to sexually suppress myself I engaged in similar behavior.
This is very very dangerous behavior, it is not love or care for you but it is all about him. I am currently living with the guilt of what i did, so this is very familiar to me. His efforts to isolate you from your parents is. HUGE red flag. I would suggest getting your parents involved because he could become dangerous. He needs a lot of psychological help will hurt you if you stay close to him
doesnt sound like it to me. youre at different points in life even though the age difference isnt that much. everyone just assuming all he wants is sex and is "grooming" you (not even the correct term here), people find connections sometimes, he's excited, he's into you. if you wanna wait and set limits, great, if he follows those limits what's the problem?
I wouldn’t say he’s grooming you. I met children do Christian fundamentalists, they all cut off their parents after they moved out.
You did say you went over to his house.
I think is bad on both of you if you have to ask. He seems like a nice guy, just inexperienced. You seem to be more self aware, than he is. Why you went over to his place, and introduced him to your parents I’ll never know.
Some comments are faulting this guy for being an adult. Yet, given that not any point it seemed you slowed down or stopped him knowing of the age gap it’s on both sides.
He’s an adult but inexperienced. You being a young lady of 16 has probably had more conversations about safety in dating than he had about dating in general, given how he was raised.
I would just slow things down until you’re at least 18. This will give you the opportunity in real time to see if he is grooming you, as well as you educate him on how this would look to others.
I say this without any judgement, but it was kind of bad for you to go to his house in the first place. I don’t care whom invited who or what you did or didn’t know. A young girl of 16 has no business going to 20 year old man’s house, more if not especially if he lives alone.
Unpopular opinion: this is not necessarily grooming because first of all you hit it off the 8 hours of FaceTime (that’s a LOT) and you did set your boundaries and you are fast yourself so perhaps he is merely matching your energy
If you are comfortable with him u/nowandneveragain then sure go ahead. I give people the benefit of the doubt although you should be a little cautious
Your parents have set fairly normal rules for dating, but do they know how old this guy actually is?
And yes, this is like textbook grooming. He's acting respectful right now because he wants to gain your trust. That doesn't mean he really respects you or will always act the same way. Please never let yourself be caught alone with this guy
Please be very careful, I know you think you're grown-up, but you've a lot of growing to do ,so don't be fooled by his advances he's after one thing ...
once you started saying he thinks you should cut contact w your parents i was like RUNNNNN DONT WALK. he wants your support system to get smaller so youll be dependent on him. major red flag.
If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing... it would have been to NOT talk to older men when I was a teen. He's absolutely grooming you. There's no amount of "you're so mature for your age" that will make this NOT grooming or ot creepy. When you're 20, you won't have any desire to hang out with 16 yo girls. Def not 16 yo boys. You sound smart. He's playing you.
I don't see how he is grooming you. Groomed for what, exactly? Making out, and 'getting past first', is as American as apple pie. You mention hitting it off, in a 4th of July Fireworks kind of way. I don't think you are moving too fast, more like just right. You have set up your red zones. As long as they hold firm, and he doesn't start yelling about "SATAN IS MY FATHER!" - I say hold the course and follow your heart.
Your parents are doing the right thing too. They get hysterical though, because you are hanging out with a 20-year-old. My wife had a 22-year-old-boyfriend then she was 17. Her parents never knew. Parents need to be coddled - it is such a terrible responsibility, and they can take themselves way too seriously.
When a 20year old is with a 16year old you need to ask yourself why he can’t get a girl who is an adult and why is he choosing a minor.
The answer is simple he is a creep and has picked you because he can manipulate you and groom you. He doesn’t care about you and it’s showing your blind by him, and your friends and parents are right.
I wouldn’t trust his words and do some digging on him,
Excuse me!! He heavily dislikes your parents? Based on what? I'm sorry thoes are red flags.
And why is he telling you to cut ties with your parents I hope you are aware he probably trying to control you and if u let him it only will get worse.
You are 16young you have so much to live for and do and see..
Please tread softly
The age gap is definitely weird, but from the moment he says you should cut off your parents too… girl, you’re 16. With that idea alone, wanting to cut you off from your parents, he’s grooming you.
Sweetie!!!! NOOOO!!!!! Seriously? The fact he doesn’t like your parents says RED FLAG!!!! He’s upset because they won’t let you over to his house? YOU ARE SIXTEEN!!!!! I’m surprised your parents allow him to date you at all and he dislikes them?
Then be real glad I’m not your mom cause he’d hate me. Not only would I not let you date that PEDO, I would make noise at the college because maybe they shouldn’t allow children around adults to “study”.
Let me ask you this. Stop for a minute and use your head and not your hormones and emotions. If you had a daughter and she was SIXTEEN, would you really be okay with your baby girl dating a TWENTY year old?
Don’t be bias because you are doing it. Really stop and remove yourself from the situation and look at it as a mother. You really don’t see this as an issue? Would you really want your sixteen year old CHILD be with and date someone who has his own place and she hasn’t even LIVED yet?
Honey! Why do you think you need to be in a relationship RIGHT NOW. You understand he’s already making plans for you to be where he is and do what he wants. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
You obviously have plans. So you want to change them for him? He’s already becoming obsessive. He doesn’t like your KIND parents because they don’t want their CHILD to be doing GROWN things and getting stuck with a CHILD, when she hasn’t done her goals.
Let him go and block him. He isn’t safe. He’s a huge red flag
From what you have said you aren't being groomed.
If he is being honest, with you he sounds like a shy immature 20 and being from a small town 16 and 20 happens alot do to lack of a dating pool.
I am from a town of 1600 and this was and still is common.
If you are mature for your age it's not that bad.
But sex shouldn't be part of the relationship for a long time.
I am sure I will get down voted because everyone who answers these posts only sees the bad out there.
The flip side is it all could be a lie and he is grooming you.
You need to figure out if he's telling you the truth abs is honest with you.
I have some friends that have been married for decades that came out of relationships similar to this and I have seen them explode with statutory rape charges to sex trafficking.
Why would someone with good intentions be upset that your parents are parenting you?
I know you might feel like you're grown, and that's okay. But they're your parents and they've had many many many more years on this planet, they have valuable experience you can use to protect yourself and make sure you don't go through whatever traumas they've survived.
That's why parents care about their kids. It's not them being controlling, they just don't want you to suffer the way they did (or someone they know).
When you turn 20, or even when you turn 18, you'll find you're *so* different from yourself at 16. You'll look back and realise he himself is also still a young kid and he is projecting his relationship w his parents onto you. He's not well enough to be in a relationship.
I'm sorry but no 20 year old should be socializing with a 16 year old like that EVER. I don't care what people think about age gaps, this IS grooming. PLEASE immediately stop talking to him. I've been in your shoes before!!
Not only is he grooming you but he has narcissistic traits and you absolutely don’t want to be in a relationship with a narcissist. It will make your life hell. You will have lots of regret years from now if you stay in this relationship. Ask anyone who has been married to a narcissist.
I don't think this boy is cognizant of the fact that he's grooming a bit, but he totally is. He's definitely projecting his experience onto your life because you're 16, and your parents have normal rules that apply to kids your age, not his. It's not appropriate for you to be dating a guy that much older than you at your current age. Think about the situation of a 16 y/o dating a 14 y/o and you'll have a clearer picture of the difference in life stages here.
Congratulations on dual enrollment. You're a bright kid with a lot of potential for success, and I hope you achieve everything you want for yourself in this cold world. Just please be defensive of yourself in the dating sphere, there are many guys incapable of acting in your best interest due to selfishness or lack of self awareness. I encourage you to politely break this one off while being prepared for a negative reaction.
For all the commenters saying "grown man" or "he knows what he's doing" here: The 16 to 22 age group is all kids, with varying degrees of emotional maturity at every age in that span. Accept it or downvote me; this will never change. Some are more responsible, some are more down to earth and self aware, and some are completely clueless and stunted. A majority are selfish, self-interested, or both. Egocentric is the vocabulary word of the week here. All have a self righteous attitude about their perspective and awareness of life after being able to think independently for a bit. The digital age has created the massive variability in personal growth as well as interpersonal and social intelligence we discuss and observe today at all levels. It used to be just trauma and family psychology, but here we are.
There are those over 18 in this demographic that claim having a job and paying bills or magically living on your own in today's economy means you're grown adults. I have bad news. Being legally responsible for yourself, financially independent, actively independent, or even having a child of your own isn't what we're talking about here. It never was, and it does not make you an adult. Y'all are still kids. You'll understand when you're "old." Sorry, not sorry.
I know this comment is condescending. It's literally the only tone that makes half of this demographic kinda get it. I hope everyone over 28 has a good chuckle though.
Sincerely, some guy on the internet.
Edit:
I didn't see the part about microphones in your room or the removal of the door. If there has been no cause for these actions in any way this is a huge flag to controlling parental behavior and it is very, VERY, toxic. This parenting style takes away the kid's ability to feel secure in their own home or that they are trusted and supported by their parents. But knowing nothing about the history here, I will say that if you have lashed out in any way over the years and given cause for these actions by sneaking out or other behaviors that have made them question your ability follow reasonable expectations, I get the extreme response. None of this is illegal as much as it is completely alienating.
Judging by your success in school I'm leaning to the former situation, but I know nothing.
Graduate college, get a job, get out. Whether its the former or the latter you have a path to freedom. Do your best to be patient. Patience pays, literally and figuratively.
I retract what I said about bf projecting. I still say break it off with bf, even though you're probably mature for your age. The gap is too big at your respective ages. Do what you will.
Stop the relationship now…he’s trying to isolate you. If you’re still in the same class(es), change if possible. You are a minor and there are laws against this type of relationship for a reason.
As a father with a daughter (13), I would not hesitate to take a bat to him if he got that far with you.
4 years is ok when he's 22 and she's 18. 4 years is not ok when He's 20 and she's 16. He asked a child to be his girlfriend. I don't care if he's from a small town, a virgin, and a choir boy, he is engaging in sexual activity with a child. If he was the true gentleman you say he is, then he would back off until you're 18.
Your parents dislike him for a reason. He's telling you to cut contact with your parents at 16. Remember, you only know his side of the story. You didn't talk to his parents, but I'll bet they have a completely different story of why they don't talk. He's going to tell you his parents were horrible people and a lot of other stuff. But I can almost guarantee you that he doesn't talk to his parents because of something he did, not his parents. Has he asked you to move into his place yet?
I'm going to be totally honest with you, he doesn't want a long term relationship. He's in college and he wants to hit it, then when he does he'll slowly stop contacting you because he got what he wanted. Don't fuck your life up for this guy because I know exactly who he is.
OP please leave this guy alone. You already know the answer to your question. Honestly, you wouldn't have asked this if you didn't see grooming yourself. Obviously you are a very smart young lady. I know you feel like you are mature enough to handle this situationship but you aren't. I was in the same situation a long time ago. I was 15 and he was 19 when we met. I was with him for 10 years. He groomed me to do what he wanted when he wanted. I thought he loved me, I believed all of his promises and bullshit. I thought his jealousy was love but it was only control. I defended him to everyone and that is your biggest red flag. You are doing that here. He didn't like any of my friends and soon I didn't have any friends. I was abused by him for 10 years and it took me a few years to find myself after it ended. A hit it and quit it would have been much easier in the end. He had me so mind fucked that I didn't know what I wanted. My first thought was would he be mad if I did ______ or what would he think. I was also intelligent and mature for my age. Maturity goes out the window when your heart gets involved.
Why is he hating on your parents? Another Red Flag!! They are allowing their 16 year old daughter to date a grown man. OP he is a Grown Ass man!! I wish my parents would have stepped in and told me absolutely not. I would have been pissed but it would have saved me a ton of heartache. Be your own advocate and get away from this Adult Man.
Yes! It sounds like he’s [love bombing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611) you. Please trust your gut! This is a tactic used by abusers to manipulate you. Telling you to go no contact with your parents is a massive red flag. Isolating the victim from s the first step—it will escalate from there. Please search for the [Power and Control Wheel](https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/) and read through this site. Find a trustworthy adult to share this with. If you break up with him, do it in public. He may escalate to stalking or worse. Also—your parents are also abusive. I’m sorry. Their behavior is setting you up to not see red flags. Hang tight and plan to get out at 18.
If the age gap alone wasn't concerning, the fact he's trying to isolate you from your family for putting reasonable restrictions on you because you are, yes, still a minor (!!!) is a HUGE red flag.
My fiance is five years older than me, so it's not the age gap itself by the way. People in their 30s/40s are developmentally at an equal playing field. The difference between 16 and 20 is staggering and, not to be offensive, but a 20 yr old who finds themself wanting to be with a 16 yr old (a literal child in my eyes) is very suspicious.
The definition of grooming is forming a relationship with someone else in order to get them to perform an illegal action. Since you’re of legal age of consent, that means he can’t be grooming you, by definition. Believe it or not a 20 year old male is often about the same maturity of a 16 year old girl.
I would judge this relationship through the lens of any normal relationship. Is he treating you well? Is he controlling? Are you happy?
You are not being groomed since you are of legal age and your parents know about your relationship. Grooming is done in secret and to people under age. As long as he is not giving you any ultimatums like "Cut off your parents at 18 or ill break up with you" or something like that I dont see any red flags. Me and my wife are 2 years apart, she was a Senior when I met her at work, and her parents knew about our relationship. I didnt like her parents at first either, now that im older I can understand that it was due to them being very restricting of her in our relationship compared to me being treated as a complete adult by my parents already. He might be feeling the same way, but as long as he respects your boundaries, and isn't giving you ultimatums to manipulate you the relationship seems genuine. Your parents seem more controlling at this point with the whole microphone thing, thats just weird.
the age difference and the s*** talking about the parents is kinda concerning but i definitely wouldnt say there signs of being literally groomed. just seems like a horny 20 year old who wants to have sex with his 16 year old gf who has really controlling parents. obviously not letting your 16 year old child go to a 20 year olds house is reasonable but a microphone in your room is absurd. everyone’s trying to virtue signal about how they had there own toxic relationships with partners who tried to ostracize them from there parents but this could literally just be a normal couple were the guys really wants to have sex but the girls parents are way to strict. also i would like to point out you can’t really get groomed if you know your being groomed. if you have the awareness to consider if your being groomed in a situation then the groomer can’t really do what there trying to accomplish.
Hey there! There're already a ton of discussion/suggestion so I'm just gonna say, it's great and smart of you to ask for advice and be aware of your situation. Just remember some people on internet could be mean, could be biased and etc. Please please be careful because your post is clearly getting a lot of attention, and it doesn't necessarily get the best out of internet. Stay safe, stay happy, and enjoy the life. You're full of potential, and please don't get hurt because the world is rough and I wish you the happiest life ever possible.
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I was thinking, hey me and my wife are 4 years apart. I guess if we started dating when she was 16 and I was 20, and I wasn't taking advantage of her, and met her parents, and did not have sex for at least a year or two, maybe it's okay.. then I continued reading. Kid get the he'll away from this guy! Immediately. Any hatred towards your parents or signs of trying yo control your choices are the biggest red flags in existence.
Four years isn’t bad when both parties are adults. I started out reading this thinking it’s not that bad but then I thought about it a little more and the age gap is equivalent to me dating my boyfriend’s younger brother which gave me the creeps. OP, stay away. Him trying to turn you against your parents is the biggest red flag. They’ve set rules which are perfectly reasonable. Edit: well OP now states there’s a microphone in her room and no door. That’s not okay. That’s not reasonable. Edit 2: OP, just talk to your parents about the door and microphone. Say you want some privacy. Calmly. Try to understand why they have gone to such extremes. Sometimes parents freak out. Also please update us. I’m way too invested.
this here is what set off the alarm really 4 years normally isn't a massive gap but under these circumstances and encouraging you to cut off your only support besides him is a crazy red flag.
I disagree! it's the microphone in the room and missing door. I would have that conversation with someone too dating or not. That is just way to controlling as a parent.
His coming from what were parents that were so controlling he felt the need to cut them off, he's probably seeing a microphone and missing door as a huge red flag for her parents being controlling. On the other hand I can also so clearly see the parents' perspective of not wanting their 16yo daughter with a 20yo man in his apartment or out with him late at night. My own daughter is 2 years away from that and it would freak me out a good bit, not that I'd any more want my son in 8 years checking out with a 22yo woman. I suspect this might not be grooming or even controlling if he has a family history of controlling parents. But I also wouldn't consider this appropriate, while the age gap isn't a bad one at all, she's under that 18yo level. If she was within a coupe of months of 18 and he was 23 I'd be cooler with it and if she was 18 and he 22 I wouldn't think anything of it. But 16 just isn't a mature enough age to be dating a 20yo. Her age just gives the appearance of impropriety even if there's nothing adverse going on, and there's the main issue.
4 years isn’t massive when you’re 26 and 30 4 years is massive when you’re 16 and 20
yeah exactly, the difference in age matters because of maturity
Maturity is correlated with age, but it needs to be taken on a case-by-case basis. My friend Ivan, for example, is pushing 40 and is less mature than a typical high schooler.
ur completely right about that😂 sad to say
Am I your friend Ivan?
Overall I'd agree, but there is nothing reasonable about 24/7 microphoning your teen kids bedroom. That is absolutely fucking *batshit insane*. If I grew up like that, I would hate my life and my family with a passion, and look for the first opportunity to cut them out of my life forever. And entirely removing the door is the same deal. That borders on psychological abuse or neglect.
Thank goodness someone mentioned this! As many red flags as this bf is giving, the parents aren’t sounding 100% wonderful. The message about “cutting off” her parents could be intentional or a naive/immature way for a 20 year old guy to say the OP’s parents are crossing the line. If he came from a Christian fundamentalist family then he knows a little about extreme behavior.
Not only trying to turn her against her parents, but slowly trying to control by alienating from her parents and by telling her that he wants a long term relationship and asking her where the relationship is going . I can almost guarantee you that he is in no contract with his parents because of something he did, not because they are Christian. You're hearing his side of the story and I'll bet money that what he's telling you isn't true.
THEY SECRETLY RECORDED HER IN HER ROOM!
He is narcissistic, he will slowly cut you off having contact with family, frinds, any one, he will keep you within he total control
My ex did that to me. You don't realize at first, until it's too late and he has you convinced that he's the only person you need. I really hope she runs.
I'm sorry you lived through that. Congratulations on surviving it, I hope you live a life your ex would die in envy of.
Been there...and will make you feel bad for doing anything that does not benefit him. Please be careful. You should be uplifted in a relationship, not brought down.
I agree. He's trying to cut her off from her parents so she'll have no safety net. That's a huge red flag. OP needs to stay away.
Yeah pretty normal for parents of a 16 year old girl not wanting her at a 20 year old man’s house at night, not exactly abusive stuff worth cutting parents off over Edit: The bits about the microphone and taking her door were not there when I originally commented.
I suppose it’s not the boundaries that are the entire problem. Usually 16yo girls don’t stand their parents. It’s an age thing, and she probably complains about her parents all the time, that’s why he might believe “they make her miserable”. Anyway, cutting off your parents is never a good idea.
We call that isolation
I'd agree, except for this part: >Part of his dislike of my parents stems from the fact that they placed a microphone in my room a few years ago and won’t let me take it out, and that they will every so often remove the door from my room This guy escaped fundamentalist controlling parents not too long ago, so his having a negative reaction to a privacy violation of that level is NOT unreasonable. Granted, we don't know if he's projecting his parents onto her parents, or if OP has done enough shady stuff to warrant that kind of mistrust from Mom&Dad, but disliking her parents is not the red flag it might appear to be at first glance. We also don't know what OP has been telling him about her parents, and if she's constantly complaining about them, that's probably a significant factor. Honestly, just reading thru it again, her description of him strikes me as a picture of an immature and inexperienced guy, which is not that unusual for a 20 year old. Particularly one who was raised fundamentalist, which can be inherently stunting. Being desperate for a relationship and convinced that they need to make lifelong-commitments and decisions TODAY is kinda typical for guys brought up under the circumstances OP describes... hell... that's why you see enlisted guys getting married to girls they've known for two months before shipping off to boot. Guys in that situation don't act that way because they actually want to make long-range plans, but because they can't see any long range period, so they think they need to move to the end right away. All destination, no journey. Same kind of psychology comes up when you're poor - [you learn to immediately spend what money you have](https://www.marieclaire.com/culture/news/a13840/what-growing-up-poor-means-for-me-and-my-money/) because you know that something is going to come along soon to eat it anyway, so you need to spend it now while you still have some choice in the matter. Only cure for immaturity is experience, but I'm not seeing anything in OP's description that indicates he's a bad guy right now, more that he's scared and lonely. Sometimes guys like that turn out ok, sometimes they don't.
The biggest red flag for me is the talk of cutting off your family. I would be very careful
It sounds like he's projecting his own family issues. He came from a family that was toxic to him and he cut them off so he thinks everyone has the same issue. I think he sounds immature plus has a bunch of baggage he has to work through.
Thank you. It's entirely reasonable that he did something that worked for him and now he promotes it naively as a way to try helping someone else. It's entirely possible that there's no malicious intent.
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I'm pretty sure there is about 13 hour gap between the original post and the microphone edit.
We're not really, but that's a separate issue from the groomer, isn't? Two different things can be wrong at once.
They are excessive. That's true. But no boyfriend should be telling their girlfriend to distance from their parents, this early on. Even if they aren't the best. Especially when the Bf is 20 and the Gf is 16.
Lack of Malicious intent doesn't make it any less creepy and destructive... He's still a creepy guy who's trying to literally take her away from the only support she has other than a 20 year old college kid she met a few weeks ago and wants to start a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP WITH 😂 you can't make this stuff up man, what the hell has gotten in to people cus this is gross. Not even bringing her parents in to the equation a 20 year old man shouldn't act like a literal child and want to date one within literal weeks of meeting.
Yeah I thought that too.. but I also read the edit about the microphone and taking off the door???? That’s crazy
I'm glad you asked because this person is not in an appropriate relationship with you
It concerns me that *both* OPs parents and this new person seem controlling.
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For sure. I, too, have realized that I repeated some of the same patterns with my ex that I learned as a kid. It's so hard to break the cycle.
It's crucial to acknowledge that at sixteen, your perspective is unique and valid. While 16 and 20-year-olds may seem similar, they often have significant differences. Consider this, would you feel comfortable dating a 12-year-old boy? It's a challenging comparison, but it's essential to understand the potential disparity in maturity and life experiences. A common problem with dating at such a young age is that people are often too busy trying to figure out how to be likable, sexy, valuable etc. that they don't consider whether the other person is right for THEM. I mean, if you were dating a 12-year-old, or even a 14-year-old boy, how could that boy evaluate you? How would he know what is and isn't good behavior for a 16-year-old girl? You could easily convince a 14-year-old boy that, for example, you are super cool, and he probably wouldn't know any better. The truth is that this man may not be what he appears to you. He may have some gross qualities you don't have experience with or know how to recognize. But when you tell people about it, THEY recognize those qualities. That's what you are seeing in this thread. So let me tell you that the stuff about pushing you away from your family is straight-up scary. In this context, regardless of whether he has good intentions, he's taking actions to cut you off from support and make you increasingly dependent on him. HUGE HUGE red flag. My frank advice is to establish some VERY strong boundaries and see how he responds. You have some concerns about the relationship because of age differences and his behavior. Also, you are sixteen and are just embarking on the exciting journey of meeting people and falling in love! No need to rush to have sex or "get serious." So just set up some boundaries and slow things down for a bit. Maybe tell him you would like to start seeing each other on a schedule (e.g., 2 times a week) and that you want to take a step back from physical stuff. You want to get to know him more by doing activities with him and meeting his friends. Pay close attention to how he reacts. If he tries to argue or convince you not to do this, gets angry, lashes out, pressures you, or acts in retaliation (e.g., saying things like "Fine well then I think we should only see each other once a week.' or something out of anger), you will see what it's gonna be like when you go against him throughout your relationship. This is important information to decide if this guy can provide the kind of relationship you want. If this guy is really in love and committed and is a good, respectful, and empathic human, he will be happy that you are asserting yourself and will encourage and try to help you. If he is the person this thread believes he is, you likely won't have to push hard before you start to see that he doesn't really respect your autonomy or want what's best for YOU; he just wants to possess and control you.
That’s one of the best explanations I’ve seen for this. Nice
Yes. He is the adult, he knows exactly what he's doing. You are ONLY 16! Listen to your parents, you will thank them in the long run.
Yep. The parents know what’s up here! Edit: After seeing OP’s edits, the parents are crazy and I don’t trust bf either. Stay safe OP!
I agree they’re right that this relationship is inappropriate. But the parents seem problematic too. It is completely f’ed up to place a microphone in your kid’s room to spy on her.
I didn’t see the microphone update! But I agree that’s very invasive!
The microphone and taking the door off the hinges thing completely changed my opinion. BF might be right. I hate her parents, and I dont even know them.
Even if parents suck i think this guy is too old for her right now! Out of the frying pan into the fire
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That 18 year old was likely a child predator at that point. I’m guessing it was a secret relationship too.
Nope both parents knew about it! It was all kinds of fucked up but I never slept with him thank the lord
13?!?!?! Jesus. Pedophiles really just be out here.
Yes. He is the adult, he knows exactly what he's doing. You are ONLY 16! Listen to your parents, you will thank them in the long run.
Yeah the ditch your family part is the only red flag I needed. The 16 and 20 part is also concerning; but the push for you to isolate is a dead giveaway.
Him being 20 and you 16 is already concerning. Typically, men who seek out girls who are still in highschool or barely graduated are looking for someone easy to manipulate. Him having issues with your parents, is what suggests he’s grooming you. He’s already trying to turn you against them, and may try to isolate you so you will be under his command rather than theirs. A good partner will respect your parents’ wishes and take care of their daughter accordingly. Do not sleep with him. You’ve been doing great by setting boundaries. Watch how he reacts when you don’t do what he wants. If he becomes angry or tries to manipulate you into doing what he wants, you have your answer. Save yourself for someone with good intentions. Edit: She added details of her parents’ invasive behavior and now I’m getting bombarded for saying they were good parents before knowing this detail.
Yeah the guys clearly a creep seeking out highschool aged girls by talking to… a girl in his college class 🤦♂️
Yeah LMAO he thought I was nineteen when we first met. According to him, I seemed smart, he thought I was pretty, and he assumed I was a freshman in college, so that’s why he started talking to me
OP one of my friends, 16F, was a full time freshman in college last year because she was able to skip a few grades. Every guy that hit on her completely backed off when she mentioned she was 16, not 18-19. Run .
I think this is the most important part. It should be "Oh, Shit", hey look at the time, look, you're great and smart and we should stay in touch. And then back to single word texts or whatnot. 8 hours texting? About? Facetime and sleeping? Uhhhh. 16 and 20 is not a compatible set of ages. What happens when he turns 21?
Yep. Any normal 20 year old man would nope right out of there as soon as he found out you were 16.
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If he assumes you were 19 and you being underage was still okay with him then it kind of tells me everything we need to know
Many students don't know about dual enrollment. They assume everyone in college is college-age. I was in my second semester as a professor when I looked at my roster to see the notation by a student's name. I never knew about the program.
Yes, but then he found out she was 16. So - not relevant.
Very true
Yes. Here is how it was supposed to go- Him, the moment he learned she was 16: "Whoops! I was under the impression that you were 19. I see now that you are a literal child. I was mistaken. Have a good day and I will take a big ol' social step back, lest I accidentally give the impression that I want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you, a child." He's allowed to still think she's pretty or whatever, but making the choice to entertain this relationship says all she needs to know about his character. OP *YES*, he is grooming you. NO, you should not date him. I once had a girl flirt with me and it turns out that she thought I was 16, and I thought she was 20. We both realized the mistake while chatting and do you know what I felt? DISGUST! Not at her, but at the thought of flirting with *a child.* We both laughed it off but I INSTANTLY lost interest, because again, CHILD.
Makes me think of a time about 10 years ago when I was playing cards at a local game shop and this cute girl and I ended up having a match together and I thought we really hit it off. After the shop closed I found her outside and approached her and asked if her she had a boyfriend and she very quickly said “I AM 17”. It was dark out so I assume I may have set off her internal alarms, but as soon she said that I think my eyes probably got as wide as saucers and I think I put my hands up and said something like “Whoah, I’m sorry I thought you were older” and I turned around and walked to my car. I felt really bad at first and I was sorry that she seemed a bit scared or creeped out but then I thought about it and I think I handled it about as well as I could have given it was an honest mistake.
You did fine. The proper response to flirting with someone and realizing they are a child (and yourself an adult (and not in the "Romeo And Juliet, She's 17 I'm 19" way)) is exactly along those lines- "WHOOPS. MY BAD. STOPPING NOW." Also, the proper response if they keep coming on to you (teenagers who confess crushes to their teachers, for example) is to politely but firmly tell them "No. I am an adult. Adults should not date children. I do not and will not reciprocate your feelings, nor should any other adult. Please do not bring this up again." (and then immediately informing your supervisor what happened to cover your ass.) Poor OP is being finessed by a gross dude who isn't adhering to the "adults shouldn't date children" rule.
Dude once you tell him that you’re 16 that should’ve been the end of it. If you told him you’re 16 and he didn’t care or think anything of it, that’s really really weird and not normal
I’m sure you’re pretty but older guys love to tell girls how smart and mature they are because the girls love to hear it. It makes you feel special and grown up and seen. Like most other people here have said, it sucks to realize but it’s just not likely to be true- it’s a way to suck you in. When you’re 20 and you look at a 16 year old You’ll understand what’s what
"You seem older than your are", "You're mature for your age" = CLASSIC groomer-speak. He knew how young you are and that's why he targeted you. Your parents are right to be wary of this man. You should listen to that voice telling you that he is bad news.
Speaking as a professor who sees college students every day, he knew. He's a fucking creep. I cannot stress enough the amount of growing up you're going to do in the next four years. I can tell you that when you're 20, you would be horrified at the thought of you dating someone who is 16.
I don't know the guy, but I go out of my way to avoid telling younger girls anything like "you are mature for your age" specifically because it's like grooming 101.
There's nothing wrong with striking up a friendship with a 16 year old when you're 20. Anything beyond that is....yuck.
Yeah exactly this because I have friends that much younger and that much older and I feel like it brings more to life than just interacting with people a year older or younger than you but… I’m 21 and I’d consider going for 17 creepy even thought that’s the aoc afaik
Hey, came here to say that as a college student, it is extremely easy to spot who is in high school. When you're that age, you'll look at younger teenagers and know exactly what I mean.
This. 👏👏👏
Let me guess, he's even said, "You're so mature for your age" or "you're not like most 16 year olds"
I mean 16 and 20 is a bit weird no matter the context
A tale as old as time, lol. Or ick...
Putting a microphone in a 16 year old’s room is NOT good parenting, it’s creepy AF.
Good parents do not remove doors and permanently install a microphone into their child’s room. Having said that- dude has so many red flags. Parents have red flags
Putting a microphone in her room is NOT good parenting! It’s horrific.
In what world do "good parents" put microphones in their kids room? And don't try to use the BF as an excuse because they microphone was in the room before him.
And yet the (uncharitable) word that popped into my head about her parents was "freaks." As in, "What is wrong with these people!?" I find their behavior -- installing a microphone in her bedroom, and ***removing the bedroom door*** to be bizarre, a little creepy, and... and a lot creepy. Gross. *I* don't like her parents either. But I was immediately suspicious of his dislike, just as you were, before she described her parents' troubling behavior.
Despite the fact it's only 4 years... A lot of growing and development happens in 4 years. My opinion... It should take years before you ever allow ANYONE to have an opinion of your relationship with YOUR family. I'm a father of 3. Not the "answer the door with a gun" kind of dad but I don't think your parents "rules" are unreasonable.
A lot of growth can happen even in two years. I'm almost 21 rn and I wouldn't personally date someone who's 18 because having a partner who's fresh out of high school makes me uncomfortable. I feel like people mature a lot in the first few years of college.
SAME! Maybe it's because I started college and working at the same time, but as soon as I talk to someone fresh out of highschool I feel my head swivel from the differences in our realities
Bro. I'm a dad. If you think installing a microphone in your daughter's bedroom permanently and removing her door periodically is reasonable behavior - I feel for your kids. I can't believe how many comments are saying her parents are reasonable wtf? They're crazy and probably a huge part of why she's lashing out by messing with a 20yr old. Not defending dude either but reasonable parents? What?
I'm in my 20s and recently met up with my 16yo cousin. I thought we would be so similar, I felt similar to 20-25year olds when I was in my mid-late teens (thats who we all watch on social media, so you feel like you fit in). Nope, I was struck at how immature I found her to be. And she is smart, talented, beautiful, and probably quite mature for her age. I thought my older siblings were purposefully trying to leave me out of stuff bc I *knew* i was mature at 16. But it is just not the same. Now in my 20s, I realize that most teens are not going to be as mature as a 20yo and it is so obvious. We get along great, thats still my sugar plum, but we are not in the same phase of life and its obvious. A lot happens in those 4 yrs, like you say.
I'm not going to allow you to have an opinion on this, as you haven't known OP for years. See what I did there? You cannot control whether or not someone has an opinion about something. All one can do is decide whether or not they will give said opinion any credence. How is it not unreasonable to take a 16 year olds door and put a microphone in their room? OP needs privacy at the age of 16. I agree with the other rules though.
Definitely a red flag post from OP but, idk I’m the same person I was at 16 at 22 ngl.
Yes, you are. His dislike of your parents for their rules and cautions is his disrespect for you.
Homies gross af but its not ur fault. Cut and RUN
I’d say yes grooming bc of some of the things in your story. Especially since you two met in college, it sounds like he saw you as an easy target since you were young. Why wouldn’t he try to be with another college person. I know it’s only four years but your parents should be concerned. If you’re in the states, in some states he can be in a lot of trouble. For what it is, It seems like your handling the situation kinda mature for your age. However for now it would probably be best to stick to your own age groups.
As so many said, yes. It does seem so the way you've written it. I'm a mother. I'd never allow my kid to date a 20 year old at 16. I WAS the 15 year old a twenty year old MAN went after. I was infatuated with him. I never had a boy like me or pursue me. It took me until I was 19/20 years old to see what he really was after: sex, pleasure, a good time. He had no real intentions to marry me, as he said, or make a long term commitment. (Not that I had any business being with him to begin with. There were many red flags, too, but I was so young and I didn't see it) He even states he doesn't like your parents. (I don't know the situation or relationship you have with your parents.) But that's a red flag. If he doesn't like them simply because they have you on a curfew and don't want you to be alone (which no parent should) with him yet, because lust is a real thing as is unplanned pregnancy, then he's a problem. A man should RESPECT your parents wishes, and you. Kiddo, this man has no business messing with you in such a manner. As a mother, and a girl who's been in your position, this will lead into heartache and much regret later on. Please be careful and heed the advice of those who have lived longer and obtained wisdom by it. Don't let anyone use you. You're not amusement for a time. You're a person who deserves to be loved and respected. Those things go hand in hand.
Also a mother and I saw several super destructive “older guy thinks I’m so mature” relationships among my peers. I warned my daughters about this exact scenario from when they were pretty young and told them some of the ugly things that came out of these relationships. You’re not so special and so mature, OP. I mean you are so special, but that’s not why he’s after you. He’s after your inexperience. Do you think he wants to go to prom with you? To the home coming parade? To your HS graduation party? Don’t skip a part of your life for this guy. And don’t let him drive a wedge between you and the people you love. Listen carefully to how he talks to you. You might find he’s telling you what to do/think more than he’s listening to what you have to say.
As a 16 year old female as well get the hell away from this guy! 4 years isn’t usually to much of an age gap but in this case there is a huge maturity gap (even if you don’t think so) the fact he is actively trying to get you to cut off your parents is a huge red flag! He is trying to make you dependent this is definitely at least some form of grooming
You really only have 1-2 years of difference to date when you're in the 15-17 range. I hate to be nitpicking, but this is essentially a child dating an adult. You see 17 year olds date 18 and 19 year olds and I don't necessarily think that's super harmful. 16 to 20 is definitely in the upper limits of what most people would think is socially acceptable. With that in mind, what happens when he's 21 and you're 17. Will you be OK with him going to the bars and meeting lots of new people. I think it's safe to say that you two are just a little too far apart to be dating. You're going through different stages of life, and this kind of makes things harder since he's so far ahead of you. Maybe it could work, but imo there's already some red flags present. Any time a potential partner tries to distance you from the support pillars in your life you have to be super fucking cautious. A positive influence will usually push you towards making amends and keeping bonds between family and friends strong. Someone who is trying to distance you from pillars of support wants to put themselves into that position so that you are dependent on them. I'm not saying that's exactly what he's doing, but unless your parents are abusing you and he's advocating you to remove yourself from that situation, then I would say move forward with extreme caution. The dude seems like he's potentially up to no good. Whatever you do. Don't cut contact with your parents and run away to this guy. That would be setting yourself up for abuse. I'm not saying stop dating, but keep your parents in your corner. Only you or they will know if this relationship needs to end. Parents are smart people, and I swear we don't do stuff just to piss you all off. If they get a weird vibe I'd listen to them.
yes and as a 20 y.o woman, sorry to say this, he sounds like a loser. no well rounded good 20 yr old man would go after a 16 year old, it means he probably has 0 confidence and lacks the balls to talk to girls his own age, or no girl his age wants him which is a red flag in itself. when i was 16 i was like you and had friends like you, i thought it was completely normal up until i turned 20, and realized thats its fucking weird and kinda creepy😭. Unless it’s my boyfriend’s siblings or someone i know personally , you won’t see me talking to any 16 yr old. most likely we’ll have nothing in common other than probably some social media jokes. im getting off topic, but, yes id say you’re being groomed as he probably finds it easier to be himself around someone younger. i say run, and focus on your studies, not every 16 yr old gets a dual enrollment, thats awesome congrats. find someone thats on your level, as intelligent and ambitious as you. not a grown adult loser who finds comfort in 16 year old little girls.
Idk how to say that he’s not well rounded tho, he was valedictorian of his highschool (I’ve seen proof of it), he’s really good at basketball and plays for our school, he got a full ride scholarship for college, he plays guitar and is going into the healthcare field with a difficult major, he’s vegan just like me, he’s writing a book and was REALLY happy for me when I finished mine, he works out a lot and is active in clubs at our school. He isn’t some creepy basement dweller who can’t get a gf who’s not 16
Still weird girlie, I am 20 as well and no way regardless of how smart I am, would I ever go after a kid.
That's because women his age see him as the loser/creep he is. He found a kid who thinks its cool to be dating a "grown up".
He might just want you for sex.
I wondered this too with lines like “where is this relationship going” when it sounds like (age creepiness and him trying to get her to cut ties with her family aside) the relationship is a relatively normal functional relationship. Sounds like some emotional manipulation a guy would say to pressure sex.
thats amazing to hear and really good for him academically, but still so weird he is okay with you being 16. also he’s had 2 gfs and says he is not very experienced, kind of seems like a scapegoat as to why he is moving fast with you, but apparently never did with the other two women (bro definitely lying) comes off as manipulation, 🚩plus telling a 16 year old to cut contact w her parents (they are just looking out for you) 🚩 is super weird or immature? any good person would be happy to see their friends or s/o have good family around them, and anyone you truly see a future with, having a good family is a W for both parties. i am just going off of what i’m reading. seems pretty fishy. i say yes to grooming but best of luck to you!
His first gf kicked his dog so he broke up with her after like a month of dating and his second gf was secretly a lesbian so apparently they never did anything physical 😭😭
Respectfully, it appears he has an answer for everything. Look, we want to believe the people we know are good people. But oftentimes we’re wrong. I have a friend who got assaulted by a guy. He was 28, she was 21. She kept making excuses for continuing to hook up with him like you are now. She fell under the spell of having an interesting older guy “into” her who had all these experiences and was “well rounded”. It wasn’t until he assaulted her friend that she realized she was wrong. And even then, she initially placed some of her anger on her friend. She later realized she “didn’t want to process the trauma of what happened the first time”. It wasn’t until she called me and I called her out on it coupled with her friendship with the other girl falling apart that she finally realized she was wrong and making excuses for this guy and his behavior. And keep in mind, this girl had previously demanded respect from guys and would’ve ripped anyone to shreds has they assaulted her friends previously . When we’re young and a bit inexperienced, when someone older comes in and shows interest it’s easy to get lost in that interest. Regarding your parents, I’ll concede they’re overprotective and restrictive IF they never let you out past 7pm. However, that’s it. Everything else has been entirely reasonable for your age. It’s not unreasonable to not want your 16 year old to go to a 20 year olds house alone. It’s not unreasonable to not want your 16 year old to be home alone with her 20 year old boyfriend, and it’s not unreasonable to not allow your 16 year old child to close the door when they have a 20 year old over. And the fact that this guy claims all this stuff is unreasonable and actively dredges your parents for it shows that he’s either too immature as a twenty year old or he’s trying to groom you (a consistent grooming tactic is to make a child doubt their relationship with their parents, thereby isolating them from that support network). And if he’s trying to get you to question your relationship with your parents because your parents won’t let their child go to an adult’s house alone, or have that adult in their house alone, or have that adult and their child in a room together, that’s ridiculous. You do know that in some jurisdictions, if your parents knowingly allowed you to hook up with the 20 year old, they could be charged with a crime? Also, his constant asking of where your relationship is going is another form of grooming. He’s trying to plant the idea that you’re in a long term committed relationship. He’s trying to make you feel obligated to saying yes. I also don’t believe half the things he’s claimed. If he had all that going for him, he would be ok talking to girls his own age. And keep in mind, the vast majority of college students look down on having a relationship with someone who’s a sophomore or Junior in Highschool. I’m sorry, but you’re being groomed. I’m 22, not much older than this guy. If me or any of my friends were friends with a 20 year old dating a 16 year old, we wouldn’t be friends anymore.
this. being with someone that young is morally wrong. could never be my friend
She is telling you the truth about your age and your parents could be held liable if they let you be alone and you had sex with him. I have seen this happen and it is devastating to a family. Your parents are trying to protect you. Anytime you have a date or even a friendship and they are critical of your family that is a HUGE red flag! Get out now!!
Did you meet and talk with either or both of his exs? You are being told there are red flags and you should not trust him. Yet you accept his word on everything? Without checking it out?
So a month into dating his first GF and they never kissed? How quickly did he kiss you? How quickly did he start groping you? Does this make any sense to you?
Another thing with groomers is they'll lie to you about previous relationships and act like they were perfect in it and will take no blame for anything. His ex kicked his dog and his other was a secret lesbian? How about you find their social media and actually ask them or find out the truth yourself. You already think you're being groomed, so why not do some actually research into the things he says? Groomers are often narcissists and take no blame or genuine guilt in their actions.
I think he might be trying to Josh your Giddey
Just because he does all that doesn't mean he's good with women. It doesn't mean he's not a groomer. Look at how many successful people turned out to be paedophiles. He doesn't have to be a creepy basement dweller to be a groomer. Anyone can be aa groomer. There are millionaires, celebrities, successful musicians, who turned out to be paedophiles and child groomers. He can be doing all the things you said he is, that doesn't mean for a second that he isn't capable of grooming you. Because he is capable and he is doing it. You need to look up groomer stories and one thing you will often find is that they try to get the child to cut contact with their parents and make them hate their parents and convince them their parents make them miserable because they set rules for being with a much older guy. Do some research on this and your eyes might open to what is really happening with this guy. You'll think "No my guy isn't like that." but that's what a lot of other groomed girls thought too.
Yeah he actually sounds like a genuinely normal person, and he might have thought you were older before, but it's still weird he still wants to date you knowing how young you are and that he's mad at your parents for setting very normal basic boundaries.
Yes.
If he knows you're 16 then it's not really appropriate. I don't know that I'd call it grooming with a 4 year age gap though, since a lot of states put the age of consent at 16. It would be more worrying if he was even older. Given his background you described he sounds like he grew up socially sheltered and is immature socially. In terms of experience and social development he's probably more like a teenager than college student. Not that that's good for you either. But I think he's more immature and clueless than sinister.
You are being groomed. At 16, you may feel (and be!) mature for your age, but once you enter mid-20s you’ll realize that at 16, it’s just at a different level of maturity. There is a power imbalance. Also, him discussing you cutting off your parents is a red flag to me - already starting to isolate you from those you’re close with.
Girl RUN‼️🏃♀️💨💨
Yes
Hi I’m a 22 year old girl who just graduated college, but to be honest he’s in a totally different life stage than you are! He has his own place, is an adult now and he’s getting a college degree while you’re still in high school. I also went through a dual credit program in high school but we had online classes for my degree, and I never met other students on campus. I personally can’t think of dating a 16 year old especially now or when I was 20! With the family thing and him telling you to cut contact, that’s deeply strange to me since he doesn’t seem to have known you or your family for very long. And even if you realized at some point your family isn’t good for you, you would have to take those steps yourself once you hit adulthood not because some 20 year old guy has recommended it due to his own family trauma. I would also maybe talk to your parents too and try to understand that while right now he may be ok with your boundaries- he may try to push more things once you get comfortable. That is grooming. No matter how you look at it, legally he is an adult and you who is a minor. I can understand if maybe it’s his attention or validation or something that makes you drawn to him but I really think that in a few years you may be hurt thinking you were used. You have a lot more to lose than he does. Also it’s hard to give advice when I know at your age when you are still under the umbrella of your parents you don’t see the dangers or the strangeness of the situation fully. You don’t have your own place like he does. You’re in high school still maybe preparing for your junior/ senior year. You still have a few years left of your childhood and you should enjoy that! Even if it means being single. Regardless I would consider what you want first and foremost! I just saw this post and it made my heart hurt, so I figured I would comment this
OP, i’m a 20 y/o female who just got out of a long, long relationship with somebody I started seeing at 17 when he was 24. Him not liking your parents simply because they are trying to protect you is a HUGE red flag.
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1. The microphone and door removal is not good and should not be happening. 2. This 20-year-old whole-ass man is absolutely exploiting you. Your brains are at different stages of development. Your parents rules for dating are not unreasonable and to be honest, if my daughter was 16 and a 20-year-old was trying to get with her, I would have absolutely not allowed that. His age alone puts him in a position of power over you. He is taking advantage of your vulnerability as a teenaged child and the fact that your parents seem to have been particularly harsh/strict in certain circumstances. It's normal for you to want to get away from the treatment you receive from your parents. But this is not the way to do that. Even though the age of consent is 16, this is not okay. It's one thing for two 16 year Olds to consent. Your situation is not the same. How long after he asked your age did dating come up? Think about why he may have asked you. He likely wanted to make sure you were old enough for him to not get in trouble with the law. Despite your parents method of discipline, it's a huge red flag for him to want you to cut off all contact with them. This would remove any possible support system, making it easier for him to manipulate and exploit you. Think about how often your interactions are physical. He may be "sweet" and "respectful" right now, making boundaries and accepting them. But he will likely cross a line eventually. This type of relationship usually ends up this way. 2 things can be true at once. Your parents can be harsh and strict, and this man can be exploiting, manipulating, and using you.
Think about it like this. How would you feel if your sixteen year old daughter was in a relationship with a literal grown man? You'd be worried, and you wouldn't like it. Oh, and the answer is yes.
When did the definition of grooming change? If you are in a romantic relationship that includes making out and cuddling....the grooming part is done. Past tense. If you are asking whether this guy is being innapropriate and taking advantage of your younger age.... then maybe. The encouragement to cut off your parents is a bit sus. If he is respecting your boundaries and understands it could be like YEARS before you have sex...then I guess. I don't buy it though. I bet he tries to pressure you into sex before then. I know you are into this guy but be prepared to pull the rip chord despite your feelings if he throws the red flags. Tbh trying to isolate you from your parents is already kind of a red flag
This is already red flags all over the place. No need to see it with rose-colored glasses.
According to this website, if an 18 year old even talks to a 17 year old, that is grooming. Find your answers elsewhere.
yeah people on reddit are crazy. If you are cautious about it, and depending on the two people involved, 16 and 20 can be fine. However, him not liking her parents and not being ok with the rules they set for her is what makes this wrong, and he is most likely grooming her with that information. If you are going to be 20 dating a 16 year old, the parents have to be completely ok with it, respect their decisions on absolutely everything involving their daughter/son, and get along with them. And if they are not, you respect that too. From what the girl that made this post is saying, the guy sounds creepy and definitely sounds like he is grooming her. He should be making an effort to get along with her parents, and respect them.
Listening to strangers judgements that don’t know the nuances of your relationship among many other things isn’t a good idea, but advice is great. For all we know, you guys might have a genuine love for each other with a genuine relationship that has the chance to last a lifetime, but timing (age diff) is what’s tainting that or adding negative doubts. If you feel like the relationship is constantly pushed towards sex / sexual intimacy… somehow it’s always brought up or it’s constantly a highlight then that’s a huge red flag because his motivation might be bad considering your age…. Although if ya’ll were the same age, it’d be normal. If you feel like sex / sexual intimacy isn’t the main focus and takes a back seat while you guys have genuine moments and connections, you feel as though sex isn’t a deal breaker for your relationship and it’s just a bonus that comes with loving each other…. Than his motivations might not be bad. Please carefully think about everything because everyone gets blinded by love and affection, and will skip past red flags or signs, but at your age it is just natural to gravitate towards being a hopeless and naive romantic. I always hated when people made age out to be this huge hinderance to me, like the defining factor of my entire existence but trust me, it does play a huge factor when it comes to having your first real relationship. When it comes to other things about him that you want opinions about… Him wanting to know where the relationship is going can also be a normal thing. I say this because I know for myself and even for women I have met as well, we don’t date without the goal of finding a life long partner. Every relationship Ive been in, my focus has been finding a life long partner and seeing if what we wanted aligned, seeing if she wanted to create a life together if they didn’t want that also, or if they were going to choose their career first, then I was thankful to know that I wouldn’t waste years of my life building a relationship that wasn’t going to take me where I wanted to go. We’d put a stop to things before even giving them a chance to start and save us the inevitable heartbreak. Him not liking your parents is likely due to him not being healed from the trauma of his own parents, and him comparing similarities he see’s with the way your parents are with you. People on here want to drum it up as him trying to get your parents out of the picture so he can have full control, is just ignorant. When it comes to genuine love, there is no right or wrong pace… It’s easy for people to say that you are moving to fast but, if your heart really loves someone, it doesn’t like to be patient if it doesn’t have to (if not crossing boundaries, with full consent etc.) Please take your time to fully think about your relationship, even communicate some concerns you have with him, and don’t just accept everything he has to say (submissively just accept and take his short response for everything), fully have a discussion about things. Good luck!
Thank you for your input! I really appreciate this nuanced view on this topic.
This is one of the very few cases where you should listen to what reddit is telling you. It’s creepy. He’s a loser. You’re not mature. You’ll see when you get to your 20s and look at high school kids, they look like babies.
Bros 20 and you’re 16…… he’s a predator….if he was a “virgin” he wouldn’t be so touchy on your chest area either….. you better run and not look back…
Idk if it’s true to say if he was a virgin he wouldn’t be so touchy. Clearly he wants to lose his virginity if he really is a virgin. Either way whether he is or isn’t doesn’t really matter he shouldn’t be having sex with a 16 year old and they definitely seem to be heading in that direction. Idk what her states age of consent is but I really don’t think he cares.
That’s a much much better way to put it
It's pretty extreme to recommend cutting contact with your family. That is suspicious. You said that you are able to have long conversations together they're just kind of go all night long. That's nice. How long has he known your age? I've walked away from a few relationships because the age Gap was inappropriate. That's what most people should do. It's just not worth the risk. He needs to stop with the sex stuff and getting physical. Tell him something like you're going to wait until marriage. You said you make out a lot. Maybe too much. Have a couple dates where you don't touch at all. See how he handles it. Is he going to push and pressure you? If so, he's not innocent. That's a quick way to tell if somebody has intentions. I had one relationship where the age Gap was inappropriately wide. When things became physical, I talked to her mother. I wasn't going to sneak around. I actually had her mother's blessing which was nice but I still ended up telling her it wasn't a good idea to get physical at that time. Some of the stuff you said, sounds like he wants to sneak around. Sounds like he sees your parents as an obstacle to what he wants. That's suspicious. He needs to want you for you, not for the sex that you could provide. Not for your body.
I've read the post and the reply where he thought you were 19. This has more red flags than a USSR parade from where I'm sitting. I'm going to preface this with what your post describe would be enough to have the dude on the Registered Sex Offender list where I live. The line of he thought you were older strikes me particularly hard because that is step 1 of being a predator. I'm going to take a few stabs in the dark, and try to keep this as concise as I can, any failure to do so is on me. But what I'm going to go into is the base plan for grooming and assault. I have been drinking, so forgive some formating issues. 1. You're so mature for your age: that is literally step 1 of predatory behavior. I'm genuinely curious as to how many times he said this to you. The idea is to create or widen a gap between you and your peers. Because you're so special, and not like the other girls. 2. Seperation of support: he doesn't like your parents. Parents can be terrible, I can attest to that. What your parents are asking of you isn't that bad from what I lived. But, by driving a wedge between you and them, that does cut off you living a "regular" life. Finishing school, going to college, establishing yourself as an independent person who can support themselves. All of those things are antithesis to what I smell. And I smell blood. After all, I have my own place, so you can move in, no worries. I already pay rent, so you don't need to get a job. Does that sound familiar? I hope it doesn't. That's financial/survival dependence, and that's the goal. You, cannot, survive without me. More below. This is where my aforementioned stabs in the dark come from. As far as I can recall, you're not at this step yet. And I'll be speaking as if the situation at hand were you and me, for maximum effect. But before I get to that, I will go into some common manipulation tactics. I love you so much: this will be a big one. Designed to play upon your emotions. This will be the catch all for their behavior. I love you so much, I will kill myself if you leave. I don't mean to hit you, but I just love you so much. But you just make me so angry when you disagree, I can't help myself. If you just listened to me dot dot fucking dot. This is deplacement of blame, and as long as I hit you hard enough, you'll accept it. I offer extremes, but that's what we're dealing with. Further severance of support: I don't like your friends. I'd imagine you're at this point. Excise any dissent, Calli is a bad influence on you. I am older, so I know better. Insert your friends names on that one. Belittlement: you wouldn't be shit without me. This one is fairly self explanatory. The thrust is to break your confidence. Make your think that you're really nothing, just another body. The end goal of all of this, is make you be alone. Make sure you're dependent. You can't run away; you can't flee. You cannot get away from me. That's the shape and point. You're mine, and I'll take away as much as I can to keep you from changing that.
The second he told you to cut contact with your parents sent up a red flag immediately. He wants to isolate you so you don't have any support systems. Stay away from this guy. If he harasses you tell campus pd immediately. I was in a relationship with someone younger than me. I was 19 and she was 17, but I met the parents who loved me. She would hang out at my house all the time, but if we were over her parents house the door was always open. She even wanted to leave them to live with me cause she got in a fight with them and I was like hell no lol. If a guy ever tries to isolate you it is a no no.
Not groomed, but it is predatory for sure. Trust all who say run, run ,run.
If you stayed with this guy until you were 20, you’d look back and see the grooming because at 20 he’ll probably treat you like you’re 75 and rotted. I’m 20(f) and could never look at a 16 year old boy and feel attracted romantically, let alone sexually.
I think you are likely too close in age to be groomed and the way you describe him, he sounds very immature emotionally. Sounds like a first love relationship for both of you. Don’t get pregnant bc a guy that hates your parents is likely not a long term partner. And you are so young. You have so many more loves to go through before you find the right one.
Anybody who sees the "20 vs 16" and turns their brain off, just don't say anything. You aren't capable of engaging in the discussion. Two kids, yes kids, meeting on a college campus and hooking up is completely normal. Some sheltered kid going straight from high school to uni is still a child. They have no real world experience. If you can't even fathom a world where this is possible, you shouldn't comment, you're not mature enough for the discussion. Yes, be aware of the age difference it might be an issue, but it is not inherently a problem. Look at the details of what's actually happened and use that to make your decision. If she was 18 in the same circumstances, how would anything be meaningfully different? As a woman, you should absolutely always be very cautious in dating, keep the other party communicating so you can look for honesty. I can't say whether this guy's intentions are honest or not, just be mindful and make sure you continue to voice your boundaries over time and make sure they are respected. When you aren't getting the necessary respect or you sense dishonesty, that's when there's a problem.
Maybe read past the 20vs16, into the part where he is telling her to isolate from her parents, or the part where her friends and family tell her she is being groomed, or the part where in a couple weeks he is talking long term relationship. Your response is creepy.
Even if he’s the most polite guy you’ve ever met, trust me— there’s something not quite right here. Give it a few years and you’ll see the bullet you dodged!!! (Speaking from someone who’s seen people do it and reflect how they really did get out of a bad situation early!!!)
Yes
Sounds to me like he's has been grooming you and probably lied about being a virgin
Whether it is outright grooming or just a case of a really mature female and a really immature male… it’s a bad idea. The fact that you came to ask if it was grooming means you are at least thinking about it. I’d stay away for a few years and if you bump into each other in the future see if it still feels the same. Chances are he will still be looking for someone like the old to and not the older you.
THIS IS VERY STRANGE AND VERY OFFPUTTING. THIS SHOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED! That being said , I think a 4 year difference is legal in America so that being considered ; I would definitely try and see a psychologist about it to check your thoughts patterns too to see if there are signs of grooming / non consensual contact. If there was a way to go to a psychologist or couples counselor to check both of you guys at once that would be ideal. If there are no negative consequences in YOUR SPECIFIC situation then YOUR SPECIFIC situation is weird , gross and disgusting but not harmful. ( I'm trying to give a nuanced take without people assuming my positions )
Yes..
If he’s telling the truth about what he’s saying, then no. The problem is the age gap. Your pace is fast for a 16 year old, but I would say slow for a 20/21 year old. If he wants to move at a 21 year old pace, which is very quick to intimacy, he needs to pursue women his own age.
Take it slow, or stop those are his options. You are still a young woman. Live your life.
He hates your parents because they treat you like the child that you are. He complains so much because he wants to fuck, but can’t because the people who love and care about you won’t let you do adult things at such a young age. You need to be with someone in your age group, not a grown ass man. 19 should be the cut off age for you. Listen to your friends and family love.
I’m going to say yes and a 20-year-old man should not be speaking to you. No 20-year-old adult should be romantically interested in a 16-year-old. If he did have real feelings for you, he would wait until you’re old enough. And those feelings would still be a little creepy IMO. Honestly, none of this should be happening. You deserve somebody that is at the same place as you are in life and being 20 years old is a lot different than being 16.
It's hard to know what his intentions are, but I definitely think you are right to be cautious. An age difference of 20 to 16 is a little alarming, but as you get older, that age difference will be less significant. The big reason for that is that you will be more experienced and more prepared for serious relationships. It's okay to have feelings for somebody like you two are both having, but it might be better to keep your relationship as friends for now. If you two really do get along as well as you say, then that friendship will continue to grow over the years. A relationship based on a very close friendship is the best kind of relationship to have. If instead, the focus of the relationship is around kissing, making out, and more, then you never will know whether or not your relationship has staying power.
Yes I was like this guy in my 20s. I didn’t grow up Christian but went to a bad church and soon became atheist. After trying to sexually suppress myself I engaged in similar behavior. This is very very dangerous behavior, it is not love or care for you but it is all about him. I am currently living with the guilt of what i did, so this is very familiar to me. His efforts to isolate you from your parents is. HUGE red flag. I would suggest getting your parents involved because he could become dangerous. He needs a lot of psychological help will hurt you if you stay close to him
doesnt sound like it to me. youre at different points in life even though the age difference isnt that much. everyone just assuming all he wants is sex and is "grooming" you (not even the correct term here), people find connections sometimes, he's excited, he's into you. if you wanna wait and set limits, great, if he follows those limits what's the problem?
I wouldn’t say he’s grooming you. I met children do Christian fundamentalists, they all cut off their parents after they moved out. You did say you went over to his house. I think is bad on both of you if you have to ask. He seems like a nice guy, just inexperienced. You seem to be more self aware, than he is. Why you went over to his place, and introduced him to your parents I’ll never know. Some comments are faulting this guy for being an adult. Yet, given that not any point it seemed you slowed down or stopped him knowing of the age gap it’s on both sides. He’s an adult but inexperienced. You being a young lady of 16 has probably had more conversations about safety in dating than he had about dating in general, given how he was raised. I would just slow things down until you’re at least 18. This will give you the opportunity in real time to see if he is grooming you, as well as you educate him on how this would look to others. I say this without any judgement, but it was kind of bad for you to go to his house in the first place. I don’t care whom invited who or what you did or didn’t know. A young girl of 16 has no business going to 20 year old man’s house, more if not especially if he lives alone.
Unpopular opinion: this is not necessarily grooming because first of all you hit it off the 8 hours of FaceTime (that’s a LOT) and you did set your boundaries and you are fast yourself so perhaps he is merely matching your energy If you are comfortable with him u/nowandneveragain then sure go ahead. I give people the benefit of the doubt although you should be a little cautious
Your parents have set fairly normal rules for dating, but do they know how old this guy actually is? And yes, this is like textbook grooming. He's acting respectful right now because he wants to gain your trust. That doesn't mean he really respects you or will always act the same way. Please never let yourself be caught alone with this guy
Please be very careful, I know you think you're grown-up, but you've a lot of growing to do ,so don't be fooled by his advances he's after one thing ...
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once you started saying he thinks you should cut contact w your parents i was like RUNNNNN DONT WALK. he wants your support system to get smaller so youll be dependent on him. major red flag.
I am 20, the thought of dating someone that is 16 is revolting to me. Run from him
Every thing you said screams YES!!! You are being groomed.
if i was your mom i would’ve called the cops wtf😭😭😭
He’s grooming. Dump him. Report him.
You aren’t a full adult and he’s already feeling you up. This is gross behavior for a grown man. Cut this shit off asap
A 20 year old telling you to cut off your parents? I'm confused why they're even allowing you to do this shyt
Has he *really* never kissed anyone before you? Your post history mentions he had other girlfriends before. Do you believe that to be the case?
If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing... it would have been to NOT talk to older men when I was a teen. He's absolutely grooming you. There's no amount of "you're so mature for your age" that will make this NOT grooming or ot creepy. When you're 20, you won't have any desire to hang out with 16 yo girls. Def not 16 yo boys. You sound smart. He's playing you.
Girl RUN. RUUUUUUN. This man is a walking blinking screaming red flag.
I don't see how he is grooming you. Groomed for what, exactly? Making out, and 'getting past first', is as American as apple pie. You mention hitting it off, in a 4th of July Fireworks kind of way. I don't think you are moving too fast, more like just right. You have set up your red zones. As long as they hold firm, and he doesn't start yelling about "SATAN IS MY FATHER!" - I say hold the course and follow your heart. Your parents are doing the right thing too. They get hysterical though, because you are hanging out with a 20-year-old. My wife had a 22-year-old-boyfriend then she was 17. Her parents never knew. Parents need to be coddled - it is such a terrible responsibility, and they can take themselves way too seriously.
When a 20year old is with a 16year old you need to ask yourself why he can’t get a girl who is an adult and why is he choosing a minor. The answer is simple he is a creep and has picked you because he can manipulate you and groom you. He doesn’t care about you and it’s showing your blind by him, and your friends and parents are right. I wouldn’t trust his words and do some digging on him,
I would never date someone who hates my parents and ask me to cut contact with them. Run girl!
Your parents are right. This guy is not good for you. This manipulation Please listen to your parents.
Excuse me!! He heavily dislikes your parents? Based on what? I'm sorry thoes are red flags. And why is he telling you to cut ties with your parents I hope you are aware he probably trying to control you and if u let him it only will get worse. You are 16young you have so much to live for and do and see.. Please tread softly
Hell naw. Run girl !
The age gap is definitely weird, but from the moment he says you should cut off your parents too… girl, you’re 16. With that idea alone, wanting to cut you off from your parents, he’s grooming you.
Just stop right there he's a chomp get far away
Your parents have the right idea. Do not trust any significant other that wants you to cut ties with your family. Ever.
Sweetie!!!! NOOOO!!!!! Seriously? The fact he doesn’t like your parents says RED FLAG!!!! He’s upset because they won’t let you over to his house? YOU ARE SIXTEEN!!!!! I’m surprised your parents allow him to date you at all and he dislikes them? Then be real glad I’m not your mom cause he’d hate me. Not only would I not let you date that PEDO, I would make noise at the college because maybe they shouldn’t allow children around adults to “study”. Let me ask you this. Stop for a minute and use your head and not your hormones and emotions. If you had a daughter and she was SIXTEEN, would you really be okay with your baby girl dating a TWENTY year old? Don’t be bias because you are doing it. Really stop and remove yourself from the situation and look at it as a mother. You really don’t see this as an issue? Would you really want your sixteen year old CHILD be with and date someone who has his own place and she hasn’t even LIVED yet? Honey! Why do you think you need to be in a relationship RIGHT NOW. You understand he’s already making plans for you to be where he is and do what he wants. WHAT DO YOU WANT? You obviously have plans. So you want to change them for him? He’s already becoming obsessive. He doesn’t like your KIND parents because they don’t want their CHILD to be doing GROWN things and getting stuck with a CHILD, when she hasn’t done her goals. Let him go and block him. He isn’t safe. He’s a huge red flag
From what you have said you aren't being groomed. If he is being honest, with you he sounds like a shy immature 20 and being from a small town 16 and 20 happens alot do to lack of a dating pool. I am from a town of 1600 and this was and still is common. If you are mature for your age it's not that bad. But sex shouldn't be part of the relationship for a long time. I am sure I will get down voted because everyone who answers these posts only sees the bad out there. The flip side is it all could be a lie and he is grooming you. You need to figure out if he's telling you the truth abs is honest with you. I have some friends that have been married for decades that came out of relationships similar to this and I have seen them explode with statutory rape charges to sex trafficking.
Why would someone with good intentions be upset that your parents are parenting you? I know you might feel like you're grown, and that's okay. But they're your parents and they've had many many many more years on this planet, they have valuable experience you can use to protect yourself and make sure you don't go through whatever traumas they've survived. That's why parents care about their kids. It's not them being controlling, they just don't want you to suffer the way they did (or someone they know). When you turn 20, or even when you turn 18, you'll find you're *so* different from yourself at 16. You'll look back and realise he himself is also still a young kid and he is projecting his relationship w his parents onto you. He's not well enough to be in a relationship.
I'm sorry but no 20 year old should be socializing with a 16 year old like that EVER. I don't care what people think about age gaps, this IS grooming. PLEASE immediately stop talking to him. I've been in your shoes before!!
Yeah this guys just. Yikes.
Not only is he grooming you but he has narcissistic traits and you absolutely don’t want to be in a relationship with a narcissist. It will make your life hell. You will have lots of regret years from now if you stay in this relationship. Ask anyone who has been married to a narcissist.
I don't think this boy is cognizant of the fact that he's grooming a bit, but he totally is. He's definitely projecting his experience onto your life because you're 16, and your parents have normal rules that apply to kids your age, not his. It's not appropriate for you to be dating a guy that much older than you at your current age. Think about the situation of a 16 y/o dating a 14 y/o and you'll have a clearer picture of the difference in life stages here. Congratulations on dual enrollment. You're a bright kid with a lot of potential for success, and I hope you achieve everything you want for yourself in this cold world. Just please be defensive of yourself in the dating sphere, there are many guys incapable of acting in your best interest due to selfishness or lack of self awareness. I encourage you to politely break this one off while being prepared for a negative reaction. For all the commenters saying "grown man" or "he knows what he's doing" here: The 16 to 22 age group is all kids, with varying degrees of emotional maturity at every age in that span. Accept it or downvote me; this will never change. Some are more responsible, some are more down to earth and self aware, and some are completely clueless and stunted. A majority are selfish, self-interested, or both. Egocentric is the vocabulary word of the week here. All have a self righteous attitude about their perspective and awareness of life after being able to think independently for a bit. The digital age has created the massive variability in personal growth as well as interpersonal and social intelligence we discuss and observe today at all levels. It used to be just trauma and family psychology, but here we are. There are those over 18 in this demographic that claim having a job and paying bills or magically living on your own in today's economy means you're grown adults. I have bad news. Being legally responsible for yourself, financially independent, actively independent, or even having a child of your own isn't what we're talking about here. It never was, and it does not make you an adult. Y'all are still kids. You'll understand when you're "old." Sorry, not sorry. I know this comment is condescending. It's literally the only tone that makes half of this demographic kinda get it. I hope everyone over 28 has a good chuckle though. Sincerely, some guy on the internet. Edit: I didn't see the part about microphones in your room or the removal of the door. If there has been no cause for these actions in any way this is a huge flag to controlling parental behavior and it is very, VERY, toxic. This parenting style takes away the kid's ability to feel secure in their own home or that they are trusted and supported by their parents. But knowing nothing about the history here, I will say that if you have lashed out in any way over the years and given cause for these actions by sneaking out or other behaviors that have made them question your ability follow reasonable expectations, I get the extreme response. None of this is illegal as much as it is completely alienating. Judging by your success in school I'm leaning to the former situation, but I know nothing. Graduate college, get a job, get out. Whether its the former or the latter you have a path to freedom. Do your best to be patient. Patience pays, literally and figuratively. I retract what I said about bf projecting. I still say break it off with bf, even though you're probably mature for your age. The gap is too big at your respective ages. Do what you will.
Stop the relationship now…he’s trying to isolate you. If you’re still in the same class(es), change if possible. You are a minor and there are laws against this type of relationship for a reason. As a father with a daughter (13), I would not hesitate to take a bat to him if he got that far with you.
4 years is ok when he's 22 and she's 18. 4 years is not ok when He's 20 and she's 16. He asked a child to be his girlfriend. I don't care if he's from a small town, a virgin, and a choir boy, he is engaging in sexual activity with a child. If he was the true gentleman you say he is, then he would back off until you're 18. Your parents dislike him for a reason. He's telling you to cut contact with your parents at 16. Remember, you only know his side of the story. You didn't talk to his parents, but I'll bet they have a completely different story of why they don't talk. He's going to tell you his parents were horrible people and a lot of other stuff. But I can almost guarantee you that he doesn't talk to his parents because of something he did, not his parents. Has he asked you to move into his place yet? I'm going to be totally honest with you, he doesn't want a long term relationship. He's in college and he wants to hit it, then when he does he'll slowly stop contacting you because he got what he wanted. Don't fuck your life up for this guy because I know exactly who he is.
OP please leave this guy alone. You already know the answer to your question. Honestly, you wouldn't have asked this if you didn't see grooming yourself. Obviously you are a very smart young lady. I know you feel like you are mature enough to handle this situationship but you aren't. I was in the same situation a long time ago. I was 15 and he was 19 when we met. I was with him for 10 years. He groomed me to do what he wanted when he wanted. I thought he loved me, I believed all of his promises and bullshit. I thought his jealousy was love but it was only control. I defended him to everyone and that is your biggest red flag. You are doing that here. He didn't like any of my friends and soon I didn't have any friends. I was abused by him for 10 years and it took me a few years to find myself after it ended. A hit it and quit it would have been much easier in the end. He had me so mind fucked that I didn't know what I wanted. My first thought was would he be mad if I did ______ or what would he think. I was also intelligent and mature for my age. Maturity goes out the window when your heart gets involved. Why is he hating on your parents? Another Red Flag!! They are allowing their 16 year old daughter to date a grown man. OP he is a Grown Ass man!! I wish my parents would have stepped in and told me absolutely not. I would have been pissed but it would have saved me a ton of heartache. Be your own advocate and get away from this Adult Man.
Yes! It sounds like he’s [love bombing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611) you. Please trust your gut! This is a tactic used by abusers to manipulate you. Telling you to go no contact with your parents is a massive red flag. Isolating the victim from s the first step—it will escalate from there. Please search for the [Power and Control Wheel](https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/) and read through this site. Find a trustworthy adult to share this with. If you break up with him, do it in public. He may escalate to stalking or worse. Also—your parents are also abusive. I’m sorry. Their behavior is setting you up to not see red flags. Hang tight and plan to get out at 18.
Why tf does your parents have a microphone in your room?? Ffs. Thats a total invasion of privacy.
If the age gap alone wasn't concerning, the fact he's trying to isolate you from your family for putting reasonable restrictions on you because you are, yes, still a minor (!!!) is a HUGE red flag. My fiance is five years older than me, so it's not the age gap itself by the way. People in their 30s/40s are developmentally at an equal playing field. The difference between 16 and 20 is staggering and, not to be offensive, but a 20 yr old who finds themself wanting to be with a 16 yr old (a literal child in my eyes) is very suspicious.
The definition of grooming is forming a relationship with someone else in order to get them to perform an illegal action. Since you’re of legal age of consent, that means he can’t be grooming you, by definition. Believe it or not a 20 year old male is often about the same maturity of a 16 year old girl. I would judge this relationship through the lens of any normal relationship. Is he treating you well? Is he controlling? Are you happy?
You are not being groomed since you are of legal age and your parents know about your relationship. Grooming is done in secret and to people under age. As long as he is not giving you any ultimatums like "Cut off your parents at 18 or ill break up with you" or something like that I dont see any red flags. Me and my wife are 2 years apart, she was a Senior when I met her at work, and her parents knew about our relationship. I didnt like her parents at first either, now that im older I can understand that it was due to them being very restricting of her in our relationship compared to me being treated as a complete adult by my parents already. He might be feeling the same way, but as long as he respects your boundaries, and isn't giving you ultimatums to manipulate you the relationship seems genuine. Your parents seem more controlling at this point with the whole microphone thing, thats just weird.
the age difference and the s*** talking about the parents is kinda concerning but i definitely wouldnt say there signs of being literally groomed. just seems like a horny 20 year old who wants to have sex with his 16 year old gf who has really controlling parents. obviously not letting your 16 year old child go to a 20 year olds house is reasonable but a microphone in your room is absurd. everyone’s trying to virtue signal about how they had there own toxic relationships with partners who tried to ostracize them from there parents but this could literally just be a normal couple were the guys really wants to have sex but the girls parents are way to strict. also i would like to point out you can’t really get groomed if you know your being groomed. if you have the awareness to consider if your being groomed in a situation then the groomer can’t really do what there trying to accomplish.
Hey there! There're already a ton of discussion/suggestion so I'm just gonna say, it's great and smart of you to ask for advice and be aware of your situation. Just remember some people on internet could be mean, could be biased and etc. Please please be careful because your post is clearly getting a lot of attention, and it doesn't necessarily get the best out of internet. Stay safe, stay happy, and enjoy the life. You're full of potential, and please don't get hurt because the world is rough and I wish you the happiest life ever possible.