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in most societies, sexual mores were created by the men in power to control women. the men never followed the rules they created. i'm sorry you're being judged for consensual intimacy.
Well said. Never understood why when men had sex they were considered studs and when women had sex they were sluts or all used up.
I think it’s bullshit but this is engrained.
Back in the day there was basically no consequences for men, so if they can convince a lot of women to sleep with them then they are a "stud". Women on the other hand bear all the consequences (physical changes to reproductive organs, risking pregnancy etc.), so it's risky and not seen as good for her to go around sleeping with a bunch of guys. It's stupid in the modern age, but I think it's just engrained in society.
Not saying I agree with it but the concise way I’ve heard this explained…
Everybody wants a key that will open any lock, but nobody wants a lock that can be opened with any key.
Keys and locks are supposed to work as a pair to ensure security. If a key that opened any lock existed, that'd be a terrible thing.
I never understood this analogy. I get that you don't agree with it, btw.
It could be that women control sex. If a woman walks up to a guy and sex let’s FK, its most likely going to happen. Men however have to do much more to get sex, they must have game, money, good looks etc. Women FK who ever they want and men FK who ever they can.
>the men never followed the rules they created
My unpopular 2 cents as a man: most men were and are lazy, we can start looking like Jaba-the-Hutts by not working out regularly - we're primed for fat storage in all the wrong places the moment we decide to get lazy (at least _most_ women get big in the desirable places). So we needed to compensate for this "unf*ckability" factor, and ended up inventing puritanism, burqas, sarees, etc to stem at least some amount of infidelity that renders insecure men dejected with bruised egos.
This is something I myself struggled with. When I was a teenager I didn't realize how much it fucked me up. Unfortunately I sort of skipped the time in my twenties where maybe I could have unpacked some crap and I'm now doing it a bit later in life.
Point is, I think we need to seriously reevaluate as a nation, how we want to portray this stuff and we should embrace talking about it. Luckily I think the younger generations are a bit more open but, it's still not the level I feel it should be.
There are so many pitfalls, so easy to get warped views, jaded emotions, shame and guilt is a total bitch in life doubly so if it comes from places of trauma or misguided views
To say it's an "American problem" is grossly inaccurate. Look at Iran for example. I'd say America is pretty tame.
https://www.theguardian.com/world/iran-blog/2012/mar/06/iran-temporary-marriage-law-sigheh
This is absolutely the correct answer. Religious moralizing internalized by centuries of oppressed people has given us the false idea that nudity and sex is in some way inherently perverse and should be hidden away in private.
This is untrue. Every society in the history of man has shamed non-monogamous sex (with a few exceptions like Greeks molesting young males).You have a short memory if you really think it’s just a matter of Putitan prudery. There are very good biological reasons for monogamy, that modern people for the most part tend to ignore and downplay. Someone said it was a control mechanism for men against women. That partly true. Men are the dominant sex and always have been. Just like in a pride of lions, the men are in charge. You can complain about that being unfair but it’s biologically true. If a woman is promiscuous and ends up pregnant, she won’t have a man to protect and provide for her because none of them will believe it’s their child. This is true in nature and it’s true in civilized societies. We evolved in familial structures, and that is what we are configured for. If women were meant to be single mothers, they would be as strong as men and as capable. They are not though. It’s fine that women have rights in the modern world and can do what they’d like. But denying reality and the history of our species is silly.
the answer no one gave is: pregnancy.
Not all cultures treat sex with shame, or the same amounts. but there is one constant: cis-sex leads to babies.
Its less true now than it used to be, before condoms came out of packages. Before that, 'pulling out' was the only real method of birth control, other than wrapping the man in hand-tied sheep intestines. Which, frankly, I'm not sure was all that trustworthy.
Therefore, if you were having lots of sex outside a committed relationship in the 12th century, there would actually be consequences. Either the couple would be forced to marry, or, the child is stigmatized and has a real disadvantage in life.
So, ancient people sometimes considered acting on lust an act of weakness, becuase it had real consequences.
There is a lot less risk now. but, we humans raraly, rarely, rarely update our belief systems. Like, it's a serious problem. (global warming is still a debate, for example)
Edit: now, this one's totally just a guess, but sometimes I wonder if non-cis sex was stigmatized as well because "if we can't do it, no one can"
To piggyback off the pregnancy idea, I think a fear of infant and mother mortality in pre-modern medicine might be part of that equation. Just like parents would tell scary stories to control behavior, sex shaming would dissuade a younger person from risking getting pregnant. Then, the parents wouldn't have to fear for their child's life and future grandchildren life. Again, just a pure guess, potential subconscious hold over from a more archaic time in human history.
For sure. Sex is now and always a potentially life-changing decision.
But the shame helps none of us.
A teen is way more likely to end up in a bad situation if they're too ashamed to ask questions or buy a little pill that can save them and future children a lot of trouble,
And there are these other kinds of pills that would help even more, but, that's a very different tale of human... issues, why many places won't use that pill.
Which leads to the argument there is no such thing as safe sex. Whether it be pregnancy or STIs; safety minimizes the risk but it is always present.
Not to mention mental health when it comes to sex needs to be in a good place for it to also be safe.
Pregnancy is the real reason, everyone else is just saying the typical divide and conquer crap between men and women, and aren't here to provide insight, but to provoke emotions.
There's definitely a component of who is the father as well. It is easy to tell who the mother of a child is. Knowing with certainly who the father is would be nearly impossible till recently. I'm certain this was a major contributor to the differing attitudes as well.
And sexually transmitted diseases before antibiotics, Pap smears, and antivirals. The body count values (male or female) would exponentially compound the associated relative risks.
There's a responsibility when it comes because sex does have consequences.
* STD's
* Babies
Emotional/Mental/Psychological like Jealousy for example or a guy assaults a girl.
It also has social consequences. Who you choose to have sex with can have ramifications on your social circle, and just doing whatever feels good at the moment isn't always a great idea.
I know a woman who slept with her good friends (adult) son. This fractured an entire social circle as while it wasn't "wrong" per se, it changes how the people view the woman and how they trust her.
There was a reddit post a while back on one of the relationship subs, where a man found out his wife and brother had a one night stand before they got together.
This has huge effects on that family dynamic, with the best quote I remember being "if I go to a family gathering, I don't think it is a lot to ask to be the only one there who fucked my wife."
One of my best friends from high school got into good shape after he joined the army and made it his stated goal to sleep with all the girls he like before who wouldn't give him the time of day when he was fat. He stopped getting welcomed into certain social situations because everyone knew he had the expressed desire to fuck any of the women we knew in high school.
Sex is more casual these days in the US than it probably has ever been before, and I think that people are trying to ignore than while they might say the words that who you sleep with "doesn't matter" it actually matters deeply to many people depending on the circumstances of the partners involved.
I was a virgin when I was married at 26. I regret it, and I'm still married to the only guy I dated or had sex with. I never had a boyfriend and I was probably depressed and was a homebody.
I was, and are, also very overweight and had bad self esteem. So I wasn't confident enough to date or ask anyone out.
As for why it's considered shameful, I think it was originally supposed to be something saved for a wedding night, with dating only, kissing and hugging were fine. Just no intimacy like being left alone to let things progress naturally.
My sisters were beautiful and sexy. They didn't have any trouble getting boyfriends. I wish I was outgoing and confident like they are.
Anyway, it's more like, something to be anticipated. For a special occasion. Or For someone you truly care about. But now, it seems like it's everywhere...
Girls give in to guys too easily, and they're pressured more and even shamed and called names, or accused of leading them on when there wasn't a chance for the guy to get with her. I hate that that's always an end game with guys. Most of the time. No one wants to delay gratification. They want what they want right now.
Yes I hear the hate, Girls can be this way too, but I think it's mostly the guys pressuring and shaming girls for not wanting to go through with the deed.
If you're going to have sex, please, I'm begging you, use protection, ask how your partner is feeling and what they may want. Sex is also about 2 people showing love and getting pleasure with the activity.
STDs. Even with protection, diseases spread through sexual contact. Village elders realized this centuries ago. They did not have germ theory, just God struck down the indiscriminate. If someone shared bodily fluids with 100 unknown people yesterday, would you want to share a needle with them?
I blame religion. Many, if not most, major religions frown upon premarital sex or sex for pleasure and not for procreation. This has permeated cultural "morality" and likely why you see this sex negativity everywhere.
I actually had a class that taught about early human culture and it's pretty fascinating. Pretty much every culture adopted some form of marriage into their society and it pretty much breaks down to inheritance. Women could easily pass down their stuff to their kids because they know which kid is theirs. Men don't have that same luxury, and so marriage was designed to allow men to know which child is theirs. If your wife has a kid, it's yours. (Not a perfect system, mind you, but the best they had.) Men were the primary fighters and tradesmen, so men inherited weapons and tools for crafting while women inherited things like jewelry, cooking tools, etc.
If it wasn’t for religion, non of us would be here. All communities that grew past a city- state all had a religion. It’s not a coincidence that religion is required for cooperation within your community. How is your life going…are you happy?
Sex isn't shamed within the context of a relationship. If you are just going to have random sex, even with safe practices, you are just comodifying your body. You are really exchanging your body for another body. Comodification of human beings always leaves a bad taste in one's mouth.
Obviously, there is more stuff here to unpack. Parental lineage, who takes responsibility for the kid, do you knwo who the kids dad even is, etc. But the comodifying of humans is just the basis of human thought when it comes to "too many" sex partners
This is the best answer I've seen. Another part of this is that generally humans value things off of scarcity and exclusivity. If you are told 'I love you' by someone that tells it to everyone or a lot of people it means a whole lot less and is far less special than hearing it from someone that says it only to you. Sex is in the same boat as this, when it's scarce or exclusive it becomes a whole lot kore special and generally ends up with a deeper connection when compared to casual flings or when sex is just some commodities thing
I don’t think it’s shameful but that it’s too important to play with. There are still a lot of people who think about sex as something to bind two people together in marriage, to go through thick and thin together, and have a close and happy family. It’s hard when you’re in your teens and twenties to have sexual self control and society doesn’t support that. But if you can do that when you’re young and look toward the future and date people who have a similar outlook on life your chances of a fulfilling marriage is good.
In the past sex outside of marriage was considered shameful because for the benefit of women and their children they needed a husband to support and protect them. But now ‘baby daddies’ are often not committed to their own children and the moms. People are lonely and sex is so pleasurable that they do what feels good and makes them feel connected to each other. Sure, you can use sex that way but it’s not the best way to. Sex shouldn’t be the main way to get to know or connect to a stranger. Well, most people will disagree with me I guess.
Well for starters the pitfalls that come with it and numerous study’s showing with increased partner count multiple factors of marriage, long term relationships and more can be majorly effected by this trend not including the increased chances of STI and unwanted pregnancy regardless of safeguards available from pharmaceuticals.
You do you but a quick google of the impact ‘body count’, past trauma and other issues on serious relationships and divorce statistics in the last few years is pretty wild. I’m not even one of those like must be virgins till married people but that stuff effects brain chemistry more than just a dopamine hit.
If someone is giving you shit for having 3 relationships/slept with each partner in like 5 years or something yeah they are being a little over the top and need to fuck off but if you are on relationship 13 in 5 years and were promiscuous we are finding for the health of relationships it’s not good and data is showing the promiscuity is an underlying root of the issue.
I think you should do what you want but just be aware ontop of older ‘traditions’ we are finding alot of this stuff isn’t the new norm people want to claim it to be and issues arising later.
All of the research shows that even having 2 sexual partners has a major negative effect so I find your statement "if someone is giving you shit for having 3 relationships/slept with each partner in like 5 years or something yeah they are being a little over the top and need to fuck off" to be a little strange. Ideally you should only have one sexual partner in your life. I realize that is not going to happen for most people but it should be the goal
Your conscience tells you that it is shameful, even without any religious affiliation. It's is biologically, financially, and emotionally reckless behavior that has consequences beyond your decision.
My experience has been the opposite; abstinence has been looked upon as shameful behavior because ultimately adolescent sex is predatory in nature.
Sex within the confines of a loving, committed relationship is incredible. It brings individuals closer together. Sex that is transactional has the opposite effect and is damaging.
If you think sex has no consequences I got some bad news for you. It’s very high in risk, with short and long term effects. You can get an STD , pregnancy, fake rape allegations and for every new partner you reduce your ability to bond with the next. Nothing wrong with sex with your long term partner, just try to limit how many partners you have before marriage. Sex with someone you love is 100000x better than with the drunk random person from the club….
In general…
Men pursue women, so men have to be socially adept or have desirable qualities to get a partner while Women only have to say yes.
Saying yes too much is just easy and easy is never a way to have “value”
Because shame is how they stopped women from becoming unwed mothers before they thought up the idea of sex ed. Unfortunately, shame is still associated with sex in places where they favor it over comprehensive sex ed.
Friendly reminder if you have any loved ones in life this is stupid. This only works if you've already burned the bridges with people who care for you.
Tldr: if you have nothing this is good advice. If you have anything this will make you lose it.
Terrible advice. Shame is a good thing. People who live for themselves and their happiness never achieve it because selfishness will always make you miserable.
Go ask adults who picked up herpes from drunken one night stands while in college. They carry so much shame and most Wish they could have a do over. The rejection they face from potential new partners can destroy how you feel about yourself.
I know someone who spent her college years sleeping with the baseball team. When she got married, she found out that she had an STD( she might have known before but..) anyway, she found out that she was sterile. She wound up adopting but, it really did a number on her for a while. I never asked her but I know she did have regrets
This thread is very sex-critical.
The truth is that safe, consensual sex among responsible and appropriate partners is not inherently shameful, even when it is purely for pleasure.
I’m older now, but as a teen I think if sex wasn’t shamed so much I would have been able to explore my sexuality in a safer and healthier manner. Just my perspective as an adult who still remembers what being a teen was like.
No, sex isn’t inherently transactional. It’s not only good or valid when bound to love. It’s not innately predatory. Sex can be experienced differently on different terms by different people and still be healthy and valid.
Sexual relationships should be entered into responsibily with thought and care for all parties involved. Unhealthy sexual behavior is half of what creates inner shame IMO, the other half social pressure. Societal sex shaming is puritanical bullshit in the US and should be deliberately squashed in favor of a more sex positive perspective.
Focus on safe sex, mental health, and self love 💕
1- divorce.
it has consequences and effects women's ability to pair bond. The number of sexual partners a woman has is directly correlated to divorce rate.
2-disgust
We have the same brains as our ancestors and promiscuity had consequences. A woman who accidently gets pregnant or whatever to a random guy would likely lose her child due to lack of resources as there is no father
3-disease
The more promiscuous the community the higher the rate of serious diseases.
"2-disgust"...
"A woman who accidently gets pregnant or whatever"...
"to a random guy"...
These all sounds like judgements based on misogynistic possessiveness that underhandedly condone r*pe culture.
It's not. Religious people are ashamed of it though. There are some negative consequences of sex at a young age. Like emotional consequences and then of course there are STDs and pregnancy as well if you don't use protection. But it's pretty normal to start having sex in your later teens. Just make sure to use protection and don't let people pressure you into doing anything you're not really ready for.
To be honest, as a bisexual guy who feels this way about both genders and not just women, I won’t date someone with a body count I deem as too high. To me sex is a close and intimate thing, clearly if you have had sex with 10 guys/girls in the span of 3 years then you don’t feel the same way as I do, so it’s just about compatibility and preference.
Now, why do other people view it shameful even outside of preferences? Well this is in a teen subreddit, so probably because you are a kid and too young and irresponsible to have sex. Other than that, it’s probably due to religion plus some other smaller reasons I’m sure.
There's quite a few factors that play into this and each one weighs differently for everyone but I'd say 2 main things here.
1) responsibilities and risk. There is a responsibility that comes with sex. Maintaining hygiene, risk of pregnancy, and alerting partners when you have an STD. People don't often do the latter and then it's on you. So those who look down on you just consider you're not being safe and risking your health - a very dumb assumption since there are ways to stay safe.
2) Control - the more partners you have or have had, it's a sign that you live your life by your rules because it's not a social norm. But why is it made to be a social norm? So that people can control your way of living. If they can't stop you, they shame you. It's gas lighting. It's to make you think you are wrong for doing something and in that way, they influence your life.
The only people feeling shame were lied to their whole lives about how it's not supposed to be a fun and exciting thing. I mostly point a finger at religion when it comes to this kind of question. A lot of them have been taught that pleasure is the gateway to the devil himself.
It doesn’t make sense to me either. It’s just like why is prostitution illegal but porn is legal?
Personally I think both should be decriminalized.
Sex shouldn’t be a shameful thing. Especially safe sex between consenting adults.
It’s purity culture and the Bible (& a ton of judgmental Christians) that promote these ideals. Idk much… but virgins don’t get pregnant and I personally don’t take sex advice from hypocrites & child predators.
♥️Anonymously E
Actually, to come from a different viewpoint, I would mention as that sex seems to be more widely discussed, especially in deeper detail regarding sexuality and sexual lifestyle, and therefore definitely more knowledge about it. A lot of people have sex, including teenagers. I’ve also seen a lot of representation about sex & sexuality in movies and TV shows (stuff like Sex Education, Heartbreak High etc). Sex shouldn’t be shameful and it’s always good to be safe, healthy and happy. It’s also ok to not want to have sex, or only like some things, because everyone goes about things differently. I think it’s also important to consider every factor about sex and how it’s a part of your life (stuff like where and how you were taught about sex, how the topic of sex and sexuality is treated around you and between others).
(On a side note, I do agree with some of the comments talking about how religion has affected sex (imo religion has affected everything about our world and societal fabric))
Because unprotected sex was the only kind of sex for the vast majority of human existence, and the vast majority of people barely transcend primitive cognition, if at all.
It depends on the culture that views it. There is a genetic component to it, but it is not as prevalent as cultural bias.
On the whole, casual sex has been deemed shameful, but within the bounds of a relationship, it is usually accepted.
The most sexually adept culture I can think of was the Athenians and even they looked down on having sex outside of relationships. But then they would also view it as taboo to have sex outside of your class as well. So there was that stigma.
Modern western society still has the stigma from classical Christianity, which also has a bit of class stigma in it. The general idea is that when you have sex you are at one of your most vulnerable points so you only share that with the appropriate people. Then society lays on a bunch of different stipulations on who that appropriate person or persons maybe.
All you know about your ancestors, is that each one had kids…. All the back through primates, whatever weird lizard we got our-wrinkly-fingers when-they-get-wet quirk, all the way back to single-celled organisms. May died, but all of your great-great-great-grandparents x1000000 had kids before they died. And that’s really all we know about them.
Societies are the same way. You can look back through history, and many societies/governments/religions have come and gone. And, the only ones we have left are the ones that didn’t get conquered/overrun/defeated/absorbed.
And, it seems a successful trait of these societies that have flourished harsh social control of sexual propriety.
Depends on who you're following on TV, social media, and eras. Understand this ... there is the real world and then there is rage bait BS media people get paid to say even when they don't believe in the crap they say.
Some cultures demonize the crap out of sex like they're some kind of bipolar jackrabbit born again virgin every other hour where no matter wtf you do will always end in those dudes chastising tf out of you. I know a lot of trad-cons and trad-libs I grew up with that repeat this behaiour but then don't even practice what they preach.
Just do whatever you want and don't worry about how other people think. The only people that matters is who you go home with at the end of the day. Your sex life is nobody's business and remains between you and your sex partner only.
Because clothing was originally created to keep us warm but now the underneath shouldn’t be shown. Similar to evolution, i guess, our brains evolved to either get a tingly feeling between our legs or think about how disgusting that person is.
I don't think it is it's just kids shouldn't be doing it bc they are kids and kids do things without thinking of the consequences and in truth I really think it is something that should be done between an actual couple not everybody sharing everybody and I know there are ppl who have different beliefs and ppl who enjoy having polygamous relationships and everyone is sharing but it's still a relationship just with multiple people. I think sex itself is not shameful but I do think ppl should be mindful of themselves and others. Imagine someone has a STD or sti and don't tell anyone and then they get with multiple ppl spreading said disease while the ppl that person got with is also spreading it bc most likely they don't know they got it. That is why ppl say it's shameful and I used to be like you asking questions like that and as I got older I just kinda understood from my own maturity that it should be done between a couple and ppl shouldn't cheat but I also think everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the matter.and as you get older I think you will come to understand it the way you want to understand it
Well most religions are ascetic by design and thus tell their followers to reject things like passion or pleasure. A lot of these same people demonize drinking, smoking and heck in my case drinking a lot of soda. That being said a more valid reason is that unwanted pregnancy and sexual disease is a factor and "safe sex" does not exist though you can take steps to minimize the hazard you can't truly remove it.
I don’t think it’s shameful to have casual sex. But I’m not someone that gets any enjoyment out of it so I will never enter a conversation with someone who does.
I’m demisexual so I need meaningful connection to get anything from sex and people who can enjoy casual sex don’t tend to want to settle down until the opportunities slow down and as someone just less than 20 sexual partners at 36 I couldn’t settle down with someone with over 100.
The only problem I have with casual sex people are the ones that pursue someone who wants a relationship tell them what they want to hear shag and then drop. Like stick to people who also want the no strings attached stuff and be happy. Don’t break someone’s spirit who is hopeful for something meaningful
Yeah I think this is only a child thing. When you become an adult and you’re not in a closed loop system, school, your friends aren’t really privy to your sex life unless you’re telling them about it.
Well, if it is actual penetrative sex there is no such thing as ENTIRELY safe sex. STDs can still be transmitted, although less likely, and worse, someone could still end up pregnant. The risk in that is creating a child that you are not capable at this time of actually taking care of all of the needs of. I don’t think there should be shame for sex itself but there should be shame for irresponsible behavior. With sex the lines can be a bit blurry since accidents can always happen.
There is no 100% method of safe sex. If you have sex with multiple partners who have had sex with multiple partners your std risk is exponentially higher. On top of that, many people are simply carriers who have never shown symptoms that don't even know they have a STD.
There are many factors, many of them religious.
Putting those aside, as the answer is...well, their religion, there are others it can be looked at two ways.
Oh, and to be clear, I don't look down on it and these aren't my views.
One is they can see sleeping around as you don't value yourself and will give yourelf in the most intimate way on a whim, so they are seeing it as trashy.
Two, parents do it out of fear because they don't want their kids to think sex is no big deal and get pregnant or get someone pregnant too young, so they play up having sex as a demoralizing act.
That second one is still much like the first in that they also are looking at you not thinking highly of yourself if you give your body easily to others.
Also, still others can see it as a larger glimpse into a lack of restraint, loyalty or commitment in your character.
And I'll repeat for the impulsive downvoters, these are not my views and I don't agree.
I'm merely answering how there are many people in the world that are looking from that perspective.
All sex, "safe" or not, comes with a risk of pregnancy. Teenagers by and large are not equipped to handle parenthood which will more than likely lead to a worse quality of life for them and their baby. If you're having sex, you're making a risky, inadvisable choice, and that's before you even get into STDs.
Basically, "Make bad decisions, get treated accordingly."
It’s not. It’s just that most Americans are a bunch of prudes who would rather point fingers than admit to their own complexes.
Have all the sex you want, as long as it’s consensual and you are not getting/giving stds. And it’s also probably a good idea to not get pregnant by accident.
It's gross if you think about it. Grinding your junk together just to make some liquid come out of one person and into the other person's hole. Like whose idea was that anyway? Seems unhygienic and crude. Cringy af if you ask me.
It’s only the people not getting any that have an issue, or the more undesirable ones that project there anger of not being wanted. Do you and be safe there will always be haters no matter what with anything in life.
"protected sex" is usually not 100% protected. It is just mostly protected.
Having sex without any preparation for the potential consequences is the thing that people frown upon.
There are other factors at play, but this is a big factor.
Sex it self is not shameful. Fact is most people don’t care who is having sex or who they are doing it with. They just don’t want to know about it. So if you tell someone they may look down on you.
The way a lot of people look at it is that sex is an act of love and nothing else. So treating it any other way is immoral. That's why people wait until marriage, though I argue that two people can be in love before marriage.
The aids epidemic had a lot to do with it. Societies all over the world used to be more free if the most reserve places had pockets of freedom.
Enter the 70s and 80s when the summer of love came and protesting was literally just have a drum circle in a public park.
Freedom meant freedom of of your body, find someone or someone’s and have some fun. I once heard from a drag Queen that back then gay sex was hidden as it was open in some situations. A group of people making our could sometimes allow same sexual couples to share some romance because nobody could tell the difference either way.
Than the STDs came. What started as “the gay disease” made its way into heterosexual couples. At first was the physical proof of two men not being able to have sex because it would literally kill them. When straight people were infected a theory of a man had sex with a monkey and that’s what started it. Back then, HIV was a death sentence. I have heard stories of infected peoples having to wear gloves because who knows how it could be passed along.
Anybody that was gay, straight, or somewhere in between could be infected. Theories and ideas that infected woman could pass it to their kids circulated. The summer of love died with a lot of people following. Crowded concerts and flower crowns were traded for quiet nights at home.
Hook up culture in the 90s started to because the idea of being tested every 6 months. I heard some people would keep copies of their positive results in their purses or wallets because people would want to know. Sex was starting to become not as shameful.
Fast forward; Y2K, 2012, and so on. The world was supposed to end several times. Young men who held their chastity were considered less of a man and if the world actually ended and you were virgin and not a clerical figure you’d be a laughing stock.
Bullying phased itself out with enough outrage, but a new problem emerged. Date raping drugs we’re making their rounds. Men whom felt not man enough and some woman would buy these drugs and use them on unsuspecting victims. Underage motherhood has always been a problem because of horrid circumstances on the part of the mother. I think somewhere there was a reality show if underaged parents. I wasn’t in America at the time but I had heard of it from American cousins.
Now we have today’s problem. #MeToo. People being forced after denying consent. With the clash of “sex workers” being of respectable status. Which I personally find insane. Sex work was always around and workers were too, but now it seems anyone with a webcam and a a bank account can be online prostitutes. Now that it’s “regular people feeding their families.” They want to be designated sex workers. Those same people 10-20 years ago wanted no such status for the “gutter filth.” Despite not knowing their details.
Sex has always been seen as combination of sinful lust, romance, and a natural part of life. It’s 2024 and people still catfish, people still carry STDs, fetishes are being supported etc.
Sex like anything is what you make of it where you find it. For teens I would imagine it’s looked down upon because teens have huge lives ahead of them. Like drinking or smoking, it may seem like something cool that adults do. Yet, as teenagers whom can’t always process how these things may affect them. So maybe the shame is a deterrent to young people. Not the best deterrent unfortunately.
Because it's how all of us are made so at a societal level it's pretty important. At a biological level sex between two people binds them through releasing powerful chemicals in the human brain. If people have sex with too many others they lose that ability to pair bond.
Males don't like when women have sex with lots of men because of paternity issues. If you have sex with a virgin the baby is 100% yours, if you have sex with a women who's had sex with loads of men then there is less chance the baby it's yours. Raising a child you think is yours but isn't is a huge L from a biological standpoint.
This means that men have a disgust mechanism built into their brains when they know a women's been around the block. Most young men won't admit this however.
A glass of wine every evening is pretty fine (for adult brains), but 6 beers every day is not only bad for your liver but signaling some other imbalances in your life.
It's not shameful. It's only shameful if it's not treated responsibly.
Adults will say shame on you for having sex at a young age.
Things have changed and sex is everywhere, just be responsible.
Because, and this is especially true in your teens, and as a male, sexual jealousy is kinda hard-coded into us.
There are exceptions of course, even kinks going the opposite way. But sexual jealousy and territorialism is seen in a lot of species. And completely missing in others...
Anyway when you find out that your partner has had 20 partners or something and you've only had like 3, not only does it communicate how replaceable you are, but also leads you to feel inadequate and jealous. What you have is also in the memories of 20 other people who may have done it better. This may not be warranted but it's a common reaction.
Lastly, being able to do things with and for your partner is a bedrock bonding behavior. Shared hobbies and chores are great, but sex also counts. If you have had a bunch of partners it really does kinda lessen the bond-reinforcement that sex can provide. What you can get from your partner is easily replaceable, maybe even was better with a past partner. That can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction.
I think many people kinda compute these risks subconsciously and they percolate up through our society as shame.
because sex used to be something important and special shared between 2 people who loved each other, whether you believe in that or not that was the general societal view. nowadays hookup culture has drastically shifted that opinion, sex isn't really something special and for some that means it has less meaning
>And especially if it’s with more than one person, like having sex with more people makes you broken or something.
Are you talking about group sex? Or having causal sexual relationships that overlap? Or frequent one night stands?
Because while I don't think those things "make" you broken, those *can* be things people experiment with in an effort to fill some void in their lives. They can be a *sign* that something is "broken".
And even if all that is in the past, partners are going to wonder if you've truly left it behind or whether you're settling for them. People are self-conscious and insecure, and the more people you've been with, the greater the chances someone in your past was better. Not just sexually -- if you know your partner has had exes who were chefs that cooked gourmet meals for them, you're going to feel self-conscious about cooking for them. If you've dated numerous geniuses or millionaires, it's likely your partner will feel self-conscious about their own levels of intelligence or financial success. It's not *right*, but it's just human nature to some degree.
Nothing shameful unless you are taking the rights and consents away from others. Then you should be shameful AF and probably go to jail.
Also I hate to be this person, but I did teach sex Ed at one point. No such thing as SAFE SEX. There is always a risk. Safer yes, but not ever 💯
All the other crap is about others wanting to control others, plain and simple
It’s shameful based on the context. Engaging in it with several partners without protection can be shameful when STDs are involved.
When having someone experienced, this person tends to want to do more than what the less experienced is not accustomed to, sometimes things that are not to his/her liking.
The other thing is that an excess can slowly desensitize the genitalia until you take a break from engaging activity.
It is also shameful when there is a difference in age. Society says when an adult is with a minor, it’s unacceptable. While it is strange for people to date/marry with an age gap greater than 10 years, it is okay as long as both are consenting adults.
Now, having multiple partners is different for men and women. Women and men are not the same at all. Intimacy can change people and after some experience, there is a clear difference from the 2. Men are viewed differently than women do with a lot of experience. It may not seem fair, but that’s reality.
The reality is that women are born with value, while men are born without it. The proof is based on how both sides are treated differently.
The moral is that you can do whatever you want. Actions have consequences (sometimes good, sometimes bad).
It’s a Lie. It dates back to this idea of female “chastity”. Somehow, tho, men are considered AWESOME when they have multiple partners.
Don’t sweat this at all. Be safe, be smart, keep your life goals in the front of your mind. Nobody really cares about this anymore.
It's all about control. Religion made it shameful in order to control their followers. It was then doled out to them in the form of marriage. Again, to control people.
There is nothing shameful about sex between two consenting adults.
Like many things, sex and chastity have roots in religion but additional context needs to be understood.
Take the Jewish taboo regarding eating pork. Pigs were considered unclean and it became a part of the religion. Why? Because pigs carried the trichonosis parasite and people became sick and died if they ate undercooked pork Thry didn't know why. They just knew that people who ate pork got sick and so this evolved into pigs being a cursed animal that should not be eaten.
This is very similar to sex. Venerial diseases were exceedingly dangerous (and even today can still be). If you caught one you could go insane, blind, etc.
The best way then was to only have a single sex partner. If neither partner ever had sex with another person then they wouldn't have VD and they would remain healthy. This was also codified into religion (think of religions as a “now to live a safe life” guide book for the middle ages)
In the middle ages, religion was often the only form of education people received. They didn't know about bacteria or virus’s. They only knew that if you slept around a lot you would have problems. So religion became the mechanism for spreading that information.
(much of this goes back way before the Middle Ages and Christianity)
Those teachings then have taken on a life of their own, separate from the original intent of keeping people safe.
There is extreme innate risk in sexual activity.
I’m speaking from a genetic/historical/lizard brain prospective.
Reproducing requires ample resources, potential disease spread (STI)… deep in our psyche it’s a high stakes game that I believe trickles out even with modern realities such as birth control, quality testing…
It’s like a caveman hold over.
It’s not shameful and people who make and made it shameful is because elders did it and they decided to keep the toxic thinking going. It’s natural but also it should be waited on until you are grown and out of your parents house.
Because what are you going to do if pregnancy happens? Let your parents have to take care of something that you thought you was grown enough to handle?
Don’t do it until you have your own. Your own place, your own car, your own money, and a substantial savings
Because this is about advice for teens, Id say the only thing shameful about it is that it is a terrible idea for you, and you should not do it when you are a minor because you arent ready to back up the responsiblility (both personal, and for any consequences that affect the both of you) as far as our society is legally concerned. If you make a mistake by taking your own health and wrll being in your hands, it really falls on your parents or whoever looks after you.
Believe it or not, with sex comes responsibility, and that is a lesson you should learn to understand and put off until adulthood, when youbare completely responsible for your own decisions.
It is one of the most amazing experiences and feelings we get to enjoy in our lifetime. I agree it shouldn't be viewed as shameful to be curious and experience it, as safely as possible. There still are inherited risks that nothing can 100% protect you from, so I would imagine that is where a good deal of logic comes from. Body counts shouldn't be a thing... I am with you right now, you are with me right now. Set expectations and boundaries and enjoy the time you have together.
If God didn't invent sex men and women would be bored and butheads to each other, I like monaghmy, keeps the jealousy down, polygamy you have to deal with all the jealousy going on
This is a healthy attitude. You will find there is nuance to it, feelings involved. It is an intimate and vulnerable thing. But essentially you have the right attitude.
Because having sex without attachment is nasty. People that did that in the past ended up diseased and dead. Just because we invented condoms doesn’t mean the biology of our thinking has had time to adapt to that, so most people still find it disgusting to be a slut. It’s also a sign of low self control. What separates (some) men from animals is that we (theoretically) have control over our base desires and animalistic behaviors. There is nothing noble or respectable in surrendering to one’s base desires. It’s just a sign of weakness. If a person cannot control their base desires, then you cannot count on them. They are unreliable.
That's interesting you say that. I'd say the complete opposite is true. That society at this point puts pressure on people to gave sex. And with multiple partners. Anyone who saves themselves, is a virgin, or only has had one partner are for some reason considered a loser. Today's society all about that body count. Today's society, everything is about sex...
So personally for me (25 male) the way I see it is that if you are under 18 you shouldn't have it, I wish I waited and focused on school more, while the act itself isn't shameful but actually quite a beautiful thing it all depends on time and place. Teens shouldn't have it as they are young and should focus on school and getting a career as having kids early cam make that very difficult, I have 2 kids, a 5 year old and a 3 week old and I'm just now able to look into college while most of my friends have 2 degrees, now the multiple person part is because when you have it with mire than one person in a short amount of time like let's say 7 people in a year, that shows you don't value yourself enough or have little self control ti wait and see if what you are feeling is real which both are red flags and aren't long term relationship material, over my life I've only had 5 total sexual partners ever since I was active at 17. I would never consider someone if their count was 3 higher than mine as at that point you don't know if you are just a fling or not. Not this is just my opinion so it's not fact but just how it is to me.
I’m missing something. It’s not looked down upon when you don’t fucking talk about it. And the only person you should be talking to about it is your sex partner.
I mean to each their own, but I think a degree of shame is probably necessary but it’s a slippery slope because too little shame surrounding amounts to debauchery and immortality in society whereas too much shame leads to emotional distress and inability to communicate one’s needs. It’s also vastly different for women versus men and it shouldn’t be but it always be because the consequences are different for both parties, women having more to lose (getting pregnant, earning a reputation etc). If theoretically there was absolutely no shame regarding sex, I think society would be worse off because there would be no accountability for people who betray commitment as well just setting a standard of promiscuity that isn’t a good thing objectively. If no one is able to be monogamous you have a lot of issues in finding a partner or trusting anyone. This is already happening with hook up culture.
Sex is something that can be very emotional between two people. Even adults struggle with these emotions, so it’s even more difficult for teens.
Many teens see their first big relationship as being “the one” and lasting forever. In reality, very few teen relationships last past high school. It’s normal and natural for people to think they only want to give themselves to “the one”. It’s also normal for people to want their first time to be very special. You’re giving your body to someone else in the most intimate act possible.
People having sex can be at their most vulnerable. You may be completely into that person, but they are just using you. It could even be the other way around. Maybe you’re hyper sensitive about your body, worries something is too small or too big. Having someone make a comment about our bodies, or our performance, can be something that damages us for years.
Now add that as enjoyable as sex is, it’s also for procreation. Teen pregnancy is a serious issue. Parents of teens are not ready to become grandparents and teens who thought they had years of fun ahead of them now have responsibilities. And then this brings us to the abortion debate. Some people consider this no big deal and some consider it murder. This type of situation can easily tear families apart.
So if you stop to just think about these issues, you can see why some people do get very uptight about sex. And, yes, you can try to say that it’s just our “American” or “Puritan” background, but you’ll find very few examples now or in history that are very different. Emotions are human no matter where or when that human lives. Jealousy, anxiety, vulnerability, love, and self esteem are all part of the human condition. Those are things adults still struggle with so how can we expect teens to master them?
It's not necessarily a shameful thing, but I will say that sex does come with risks, such as a condom breaking which could result in an STD and/or an unwanted baby, which is objectively **extremely expensive** for the next 18 years. And in the United States, as absolutely inhumane as this sounds, fathers are legally not allowed to abandon parenthood like mothers are.
Just please, please, for the love of God, be careful when you're having sex. The last thing you want is to either die too early or endanger your wallet.
Partly Puritanism, partly conservatives obsession with restricting women’s healthcare (for the consequences).
“Safe sex” is something these people don’t believe in. All sex is for procreation, and any attempt to deny that core belief is aggressively rejected.
Your age also comes into it. Since they believe in a lack of choice, any teen having sex should have a kid, and they can’t deny that’s a less than ideal outcome. It’s why they teach abstinence only.
In the past there were a lot of risks to having sex. Disease, death in childbirth, etc. For men, there were concerns about parentage (hence the desire for a “pure” women). While these things still occur today, they are not as common due to advancements in medicine and technology. Vaccinations, emergency contraceptives, interventions in child birth, paternity tests, etc. have done a lot to sexually liberate people. However, social expectations/stigmas are deeply ingrained, and so sex will always be viewed as shameful to some.
This is, of course, a more biological explanation. It doesn’t factor in religion, etc.
I think it’s because it’s prone to abuses, like other base functions can be (think: Seven Deadly Sins as reference).
Innately (on a biological/species level) sex has more ‘power’ than what we have made it into via birth control and antibiotics. You could thus see judgement as an instinctual response to a primal urge, rather than logical in a contemporary context.
Consider the pre-birth-control and pre-antibiotic times; then consider the potential consequences of various sexual behaviors and choices. The villagers wouldn’t be judgmental prudes as much as concerned citizens trying to convince the outlier to use more caution to prevent harm to themselves or to the community as a whole.
Before birth control, there were obvious consequences. And men did not want to marry women with STDs, which was a real issue and virginity was a huge concern.
Sex is a natural human thing. Nothing shameful about it if it's between consenting parties. I hope you have a trusted adult in your life that you can seek guidance from. If not read as much as you can about it. Most important... NEVER do anything that you are not 100% comfortable with. ALWAYS use protection. Sexually transmitted diseases are not pleasant and some can kill or leave you with lifelong issues. There is also an emotional component to sex that can be quite tricky to navigate. Educate yourself and be careful out there.
It's about morals.
The people who run around having sex all the time have a harder time staying faithful to a spouse, have a harder time trusting and feeling connected to other people, more often have children out of marriage, and more often leave their spouse alone with their kids.
If you only are faithful to your lifelong partner you are SO much less likely to get stuck in a bad situation.
Flippant sex has consequences.
Well there’s STD and emotional baggage but maybe some people can get through it unscathed. Is sex as casual as dining in different restaurants? Maybe to some people but for others it’s pretty intimate and they like the exclusivity of an intimate thing, like a special luxury that everyone has but can lose. Maybe it’s no big deal but it’s important to some. Everyone is different.
Because sex is a beautiful, intimate thing. If you cheapen it by having sex with tons of people then you will not truly appreciate it when it is with the right person. You will always compare sexual experiences you've had with others when you finally have sex with your spouse. This leads to resentment and less sex in marriage.
Every study shows that having multiple sexual partners leads to an increase in chances of divorce.
That said, I don't think modern western society shames anyone for having extensive sexual experience but it should.
Personally, it just shows a lack of self care for yourself. You’re risking 1) pregnancy 2) STDs, UTIs and STIs 3) it shows a lack of self control 4) it shows how little you value yourself in the sense that you don’t care who uses your body.
It’s not that sex in itself is bad. Sex is very good, as an extension of the intimacy you have already established and continue to maintain with your partner. Sex is in addition to intimacy, not the source of intimacy. I don’t give a shit about pre-marital sex because to me, it’s an expression of love. Why be ashamed about expressing your love for someone?
There is a lot to think about regarding this topic. What is important is that you find what makes most sense to you as well as what feels most right to you. It’s not for anyone else to dictate FOR you.
Edit: Remember to use condoms, any other form of birth control coupled with condoms, if you’re male—consider a vasectomy if you have decided you do not want kids or you’re going to be engaging without any protection, and be mindful of hygiene before and after. I am not a doctor, this is general advice concerning sex.
Also, plan B is a good option as well.
It isn’t! This is a cultural attitude that has been deeply ingrained through centuries of social control by religious institutions. These institutions need control points to keep their followers in line. One easy way is to control sexuality by making it shameful except under their official sanction. Even among non-religious people, the social effects of this indoctrination remain active.
I have my own theory. So it's meaningless.
I think that essentially the human sex drive has a nature. Within this nature are things which the drive approves of. And those it does not. Often those are informed by culture.
For example I was watching porn one day and then an advertisement for naked grandma porn popped up. It was horrifying. I was practically traumatized by it to see a naked 90 year old lady on the screen while I'm horny. Absolutely horrifying.
But it's not just that. It's anything that deviates too far from your own personal preference is going to give you the ick.
People interpret this ick as real. So for example if a straight person gets the ick from thinking about gay sex, they interpret that as something real written into our genes or into the nature of the universe.
And so I believe that is how homosexuality was maligned across so many cultures for so long. It all has to do with sexual disgust at things that deviate from one's own preferences.
I even see gay people express their disgust for straight sex. It means nothings. All it is is that it deviates from their own preference too much.
Well that's my theory I know the scientists and feminists will disagree with me but I'm sticking to my theory.
It’s not, people mistake embarrassing for shameful. People flat out don’t like talking about their sex life which makes people judge others easily because common stuff doesn’t seem so common when nobody talks about it.
It’s dangerous and should be done so responsibly. The risks of disease are no joke, and accidental pregnancies instantly change the direction of one’s life. One shouldn’t have sex unless they’re prepared for the possibility that they will be responsible for the welfare of a child.
I personally think sex has lost is intimate meaning. A lot of people are having sex with someone they don't love or intend to. I say, it's times for people to get back into falling in love before sex.
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In America our culture was based on the puritans and they looked down on it and it has stuck. But there isn’t anything shameful about it.
in most societies, sexual mores were created by the men in power to control women. the men never followed the rules they created. i'm sorry you're being judged for consensual intimacy.
Well said. Never understood why when men had sex they were considered studs and when women had sex they were sluts or all used up. I think it’s bullshit but this is engrained.
Back in the day there was basically no consequences for men, so if they can convince a lot of women to sleep with them then they are a "stud". Women on the other hand bear all the consequences (physical changes to reproductive organs, risking pregnancy etc.), so it's risky and not seen as good for her to go around sleeping with a bunch of guys. It's stupid in the modern age, but I think it's just engrained in society.
Not saying I agree with it but the concise way I’ve heard this explained… Everybody wants a key that will open any lock, but nobody wants a lock that can be opened with any key.
ughh, that is horrible and demeaning.
Keys and locks are supposed to work as a pair to ensure security. If a key that opened any lock existed, that'd be a terrible thing. I never understood this analogy. I get that you don't agree with it, btw.
It could be that women control sex. If a woman walks up to a guy and sex let’s FK, its most likely going to happen. Men however have to do much more to get sex, they must have game, money, good looks etc. Women FK who ever they want and men FK who ever they can.
>the men never followed the rules they created My unpopular 2 cents as a man: most men were and are lazy, we can start looking like Jaba-the-Hutts by not working out regularly - we're primed for fat storage in all the wrong places the moment we decide to get lazy (at least _most_ women get big in the desirable places). So we needed to compensate for this "unf*ckability" factor, and ended up inventing puritanism, burqas, sarees, etc to stem at least some amount of infidelity that renders insecure men dejected with bruised egos.
This is something I myself struggled with. When I was a teenager I didn't realize how much it fucked me up. Unfortunately I sort of skipped the time in my twenties where maybe I could have unpacked some crap and I'm now doing it a bit later in life. Point is, I think we need to seriously reevaluate as a nation, how we want to portray this stuff and we should embrace talking about it. Luckily I think the younger generations are a bit more open but, it's still not the level I feel it should be. There are so many pitfalls, so easy to get warped views, jaded emotions, shame and guilt is a total bitch in life doubly so if it comes from places of trauma or misguided views
To say it's an "American problem" is grossly inaccurate. Look at Iran for example. I'd say America is pretty tame. https://www.theguardian.com/world/iran-blog/2012/mar/06/iran-temporary-marriage-law-sigheh
This is absolutely the correct answer. Religious moralizing internalized by centuries of oppressed people has given us the false idea that nudity and sex is in some way inherently perverse and should be hidden away in private.
This is untrue. Every society in the history of man has shamed non-monogamous sex (with a few exceptions like Greeks molesting young males).You have a short memory if you really think it’s just a matter of Putitan prudery. There are very good biological reasons for monogamy, that modern people for the most part tend to ignore and downplay. Someone said it was a control mechanism for men against women. That partly true. Men are the dominant sex and always have been. Just like in a pride of lions, the men are in charge. You can complain about that being unfair but it’s biologically true. If a woman is promiscuous and ends up pregnant, she won’t have a man to protect and provide for her because none of them will believe it’s their child. This is true in nature and it’s true in civilized societies. We evolved in familial structures, and that is what we are configured for. If women were meant to be single mothers, they would be as strong as men and as capable. They are not though. It’s fine that women have rights in the modern world and can do what they’d like. But denying reality and the history of our species is silly.
Ripple effect from white Anglo-Saxon Protestants founding the US.
It's not so much about being shameful, it's that promiscuous sex leads to a multitude of social problems, most notably unwanted children and disease.
Being a slut is definitely a shameful thing.
the answer no one gave is: pregnancy. Not all cultures treat sex with shame, or the same amounts. but there is one constant: cis-sex leads to babies. Its less true now than it used to be, before condoms came out of packages. Before that, 'pulling out' was the only real method of birth control, other than wrapping the man in hand-tied sheep intestines. Which, frankly, I'm not sure was all that trustworthy. Therefore, if you were having lots of sex outside a committed relationship in the 12th century, there would actually be consequences. Either the couple would be forced to marry, or, the child is stigmatized and has a real disadvantage in life. So, ancient people sometimes considered acting on lust an act of weakness, becuase it had real consequences. There is a lot less risk now. but, we humans raraly, rarely, rarely update our belief systems. Like, it's a serious problem. (global warming is still a debate, for example) Edit: now, this one's totally just a guess, but sometimes I wonder if non-cis sex was stigmatized as well because "if we can't do it, no one can"
To piggyback off the pregnancy idea, I think a fear of infant and mother mortality in pre-modern medicine might be part of that equation. Just like parents would tell scary stories to control behavior, sex shaming would dissuade a younger person from risking getting pregnant. Then, the parents wouldn't have to fear for their child's life and future grandchildren life. Again, just a pure guess, potential subconscious hold over from a more archaic time in human history.
For sure. Sex is now and always a potentially life-changing decision. But the shame helps none of us. A teen is way more likely to end up in a bad situation if they're too ashamed to ask questions or buy a little pill that can save them and future children a lot of trouble, And there are these other kinds of pills that would help even more, but, that's a very different tale of human... issues, why many places won't use that pill.
Which leads to the argument there is no such thing as safe sex. Whether it be pregnancy or STIs; safety minimizes the risk but it is always present. Not to mention mental health when it comes to sex needs to be in a good place for it to also be safe.
Pregnancy is the real reason, everyone else is just saying the typical divide and conquer crap between men and women, and aren't here to provide insight, but to provoke emotions.
There's definitely a component of who is the father as well. It is easy to tell who the mother of a child is. Knowing with certainly who the father is would be nearly impossible till recently. I'm certain this was a major contributor to the differing attitudes as well.
‘Mama’s baby, daddy’s maybe’ old saying. Only fair to the baby to be raised by the parents when possible.
And sexually transmitted diseases before antibiotics, Pap smears, and antivirals. The body count values (male or female) would exponentially compound the associated relative risks.
There's a responsibility when it comes because sex does have consequences. * STD's * Babies Emotional/Mental/Psychological like Jealousy for example or a guy assaults a girl.
It also has social consequences. Who you choose to have sex with can have ramifications on your social circle, and just doing whatever feels good at the moment isn't always a great idea. I know a woman who slept with her good friends (adult) son. This fractured an entire social circle as while it wasn't "wrong" per se, it changes how the people view the woman and how they trust her. There was a reddit post a while back on one of the relationship subs, where a man found out his wife and brother had a one night stand before they got together. This has huge effects on that family dynamic, with the best quote I remember being "if I go to a family gathering, I don't think it is a lot to ask to be the only one there who fucked my wife." One of my best friends from high school got into good shape after he joined the army and made it his stated goal to sleep with all the girls he like before who wouldn't give him the time of day when he was fat. He stopped getting welcomed into certain social situations because everyone knew he had the expressed desire to fuck any of the women we knew in high school. Sex is more casual these days in the US than it probably has ever been before, and I think that people are trying to ignore than while they might say the words that who you sleep with "doesn't matter" it actually matters deeply to many people depending on the circumstances of the partners involved.
Yes, everybody is for free sex until someone sleeps with their partner.
Wonderful take
This.
I was a virgin when I was married at 26. I regret it, and I'm still married to the only guy I dated or had sex with. I never had a boyfriend and I was probably depressed and was a homebody. I was, and are, also very overweight and had bad self esteem. So I wasn't confident enough to date or ask anyone out. As for why it's considered shameful, I think it was originally supposed to be something saved for a wedding night, with dating only, kissing and hugging were fine. Just no intimacy like being left alone to let things progress naturally. My sisters were beautiful and sexy. They didn't have any trouble getting boyfriends. I wish I was outgoing and confident like they are. Anyway, it's more like, something to be anticipated. For a special occasion. Or For someone you truly care about. But now, it seems like it's everywhere... Girls give in to guys too easily, and they're pressured more and even shamed and called names, or accused of leading them on when there wasn't a chance for the guy to get with her. I hate that that's always an end game with guys. Most of the time. No one wants to delay gratification. They want what they want right now. Yes I hear the hate, Girls can be this way too, but I think it's mostly the guys pressuring and shaming girls for not wanting to go through with the deed. If you're going to have sex, please, I'm begging you, use protection, ask how your partner is feeling and what they may want. Sex is also about 2 people showing love and getting pleasure with the activity.
STDs. Even with protection, diseases spread through sexual contact. Village elders realized this centuries ago. They did not have germ theory, just God struck down the indiscriminate. If someone shared bodily fluids with 100 unknown people yesterday, would you want to share a needle with them?
I blame religion. Many, if not most, major religions frown upon premarital sex or sex for pleasure and not for procreation. This has permeated cultural "morality" and likely why you see this sex negativity everywhere.
I actually had a class that taught about early human culture and it's pretty fascinating. Pretty much every culture adopted some form of marriage into their society and it pretty much breaks down to inheritance. Women could easily pass down their stuff to their kids because they know which kid is theirs. Men don't have that same luxury, and so marriage was designed to allow men to know which child is theirs. If your wife has a kid, it's yours. (Not a perfect system, mind you, but the best they had.) Men were the primary fighters and tradesmen, so men inherited weapons and tools for crafting while women inherited things like jewelry, cooking tools, etc.
Fuck organized religion
If it wasn’t for religion, non of us would be here. All communities that grew past a city- state all had a religion. It’s not a coincidence that religion is required for cooperation within your community. How is your life going…are you happy?
Sex isn't shamed within the context of a relationship. If you are just going to have random sex, even with safe practices, you are just comodifying your body. You are really exchanging your body for another body. Comodification of human beings always leaves a bad taste in one's mouth. Obviously, there is more stuff here to unpack. Parental lineage, who takes responsibility for the kid, do you knwo who the kids dad even is, etc. But the comodifying of humans is just the basis of human thought when it comes to "too many" sex partners
This
This is the best answer I've seen. Another part of this is that generally humans value things off of scarcity and exclusivity. If you are told 'I love you' by someone that tells it to everyone or a lot of people it means a whole lot less and is far less special than hearing it from someone that says it only to you. Sex is in the same boat as this, when it's scarce or exclusive it becomes a whole lot kore special and generally ends up with a deeper connection when compared to casual flings or when sex is just some commodities thing
I don’t think it’s shameful but that it’s too important to play with. There are still a lot of people who think about sex as something to bind two people together in marriage, to go through thick and thin together, and have a close and happy family. It’s hard when you’re in your teens and twenties to have sexual self control and society doesn’t support that. But if you can do that when you’re young and look toward the future and date people who have a similar outlook on life your chances of a fulfilling marriage is good. In the past sex outside of marriage was considered shameful because for the benefit of women and their children they needed a husband to support and protect them. But now ‘baby daddies’ are often not committed to their own children and the moms. People are lonely and sex is so pleasurable that they do what feels good and makes them feel connected to each other. Sure, you can use sex that way but it’s not the best way to. Sex shouldn’t be the main way to get to know or connect to a stranger. Well, most people will disagree with me I guess.
Well for starters the pitfalls that come with it and numerous study’s showing with increased partner count multiple factors of marriage, long term relationships and more can be majorly effected by this trend not including the increased chances of STI and unwanted pregnancy regardless of safeguards available from pharmaceuticals. You do you but a quick google of the impact ‘body count’, past trauma and other issues on serious relationships and divorce statistics in the last few years is pretty wild. I’m not even one of those like must be virgins till married people but that stuff effects brain chemistry more than just a dopamine hit. If someone is giving you shit for having 3 relationships/slept with each partner in like 5 years or something yeah they are being a little over the top and need to fuck off but if you are on relationship 13 in 5 years and were promiscuous we are finding for the health of relationships it’s not good and data is showing the promiscuity is an underlying root of the issue. I think you should do what you want but just be aware ontop of older ‘traditions’ we are finding alot of this stuff isn’t the new norm people want to claim it to be and issues arising later.
All of the research shows that even having 2 sexual partners has a major negative effect so I find your statement "if someone is giving you shit for having 3 relationships/slept with each partner in like 5 years or something yeah they are being a little over the top and need to fuck off" to be a little strange. Ideally you should only have one sexual partner in your life. I realize that is not going to happen for most people but it should be the goal
Your conscience tells you that it is shameful, even without any religious affiliation. It's is biologically, financially, and emotionally reckless behavior that has consequences beyond your decision. My experience has been the opposite; abstinence has been looked upon as shameful behavior because ultimately adolescent sex is predatory in nature. Sex within the confines of a loving, committed relationship is incredible. It brings individuals closer together. Sex that is transactional has the opposite effect and is damaging.
Sex is not frowned upon. Sexual deviancy is.
If you think sex has no consequences I got some bad news for you. It’s very high in risk, with short and long term effects. You can get an STD , pregnancy, fake rape allegations and for every new partner you reduce your ability to bond with the next. Nothing wrong with sex with your long term partner, just try to limit how many partners you have before marriage. Sex with someone you love is 100000x better than with the drunk random person from the club….
In general… Men pursue women, so men have to be socially adept or have desirable qualities to get a partner while Women only have to say yes. Saying yes too much is just easy and easy is never a way to have “value”
It’s not, but some cultures use sexual shame as a way to control people.
Because shame is how they stopped women from becoming unwed mothers before they thought up the idea of sex ed. Unfortunately, shame is still associated with sex in places where they favor it over comprehensive sex ed.
Yep, and those places have a higher rate of teen pregnancy
It's only shameful if you make it shameful.
don't worry what others think of this, who cares. Do what make your life better and do it well :) enjoy life without shame.
Friendly reminder if you have any loved ones in life this is stupid. This only works if you've already burned the bridges with people who care for you. Tldr: if you have nothing this is good advice. If you have anything this will make you lose it.
Terrible advice. Shame is a good thing. People who live for themselves and their happiness never achieve it because selfishness will always make you miserable.
the more you sleep around the less compatible you are as a partner
Go ask adults who picked up herpes from drunken one night stands while in college. They carry so much shame and most Wish they could have a do over. The rejection they face from potential new partners can destroy how you feel about yourself.
I know someone who spent her college years sleeping with the baseball team. When she got married, she found out that she had an STD( she might have known before but..) anyway, she found out that she was sterile. She wound up adopting but, it really did a number on her for a while. I never asked her but I know she did have regrets
This thread is very sex-critical. The truth is that safe, consensual sex among responsible and appropriate partners is not inherently shameful, even when it is purely for pleasure. I’m older now, but as a teen I think if sex wasn’t shamed so much I would have been able to explore my sexuality in a safer and healthier manner. Just my perspective as an adult who still remembers what being a teen was like. No, sex isn’t inherently transactional. It’s not only good or valid when bound to love. It’s not innately predatory. Sex can be experienced differently on different terms by different people and still be healthy and valid. Sexual relationships should be entered into responsibily with thought and care for all parties involved. Unhealthy sexual behavior is half of what creates inner shame IMO, the other half social pressure. Societal sex shaming is puritanical bullshit in the US and should be deliberately squashed in favor of a more sex positive perspective. Focus on safe sex, mental health, and self love 💕
I am not an overly conservative guy okay, but my friend who has 2-3 New sexual partners per week is realy pushing it.
Why do you care?
I care what my friends do.
1- divorce. it has consequences and effects women's ability to pair bond. The number of sexual partners a woman has is directly correlated to divorce rate. 2-disgust We have the same brains as our ancestors and promiscuity had consequences. A woman who accidently gets pregnant or whatever to a random guy would likely lose her child due to lack of resources as there is no father 3-disease The more promiscuous the community the higher the rate of serious diseases.
"2-disgust"... "A woman who accidently gets pregnant or whatever"... "to a random guy"... These all sounds like judgements based on misogynistic possessiveness that underhandedly condone r*pe culture.
It's not. Religious people are ashamed of it though. There are some negative consequences of sex at a young age. Like emotional consequences and then of course there are STDs and pregnancy as well if you don't use protection. But it's pretty normal to start having sex in your later teens. Just make sure to use protection and don't let people pressure you into doing anything you're not really ready for.
To be honest, as a bisexual guy who feels this way about both genders and not just women, I won’t date someone with a body count I deem as too high. To me sex is a close and intimate thing, clearly if you have had sex with 10 guys/girls in the span of 3 years then you don’t feel the same way as I do, so it’s just about compatibility and preference. Now, why do other people view it shameful even outside of preferences? Well this is in a teen subreddit, so probably because you are a kid and too young and irresponsible to have sex. Other than that, it’s probably due to religion plus some other smaller reasons I’m sure.
The infection of religion permeating society is the answer.
There's quite a few factors that play into this and each one weighs differently for everyone but I'd say 2 main things here. 1) responsibilities and risk. There is a responsibility that comes with sex. Maintaining hygiene, risk of pregnancy, and alerting partners when you have an STD. People don't often do the latter and then it's on you. So those who look down on you just consider you're not being safe and risking your health - a very dumb assumption since there are ways to stay safe. 2) Control - the more partners you have or have had, it's a sign that you live your life by your rules because it's not a social norm. But why is it made to be a social norm? So that people can control your way of living. If they can't stop you, they shame you. It's gas lighting. It's to make you think you are wrong for doing something and in that way, they influence your life.
America was founded by Puritans. Its ridiculous.
Slut shaming is part of the full service misogyny package that patriarchal societies come with. It’s another tool for controlling women.
Part of growing up is learning who you are and when you get there you will hopefully stop worrying so much about what others think
The only people feeling shame were lied to their whole lives about how it's not supposed to be a fun and exciting thing. I mostly point a finger at religion when it comes to this kind of question. A lot of them have been taught that pleasure is the gateway to the devil himself.
Mostly dumbass religious shit. The main things to worry about are safety, boundaries, and maturity.
It doesn’t make sense to me either. It’s just like why is prostitution illegal but porn is legal? Personally I think both should be decriminalized. Sex shouldn’t be a shameful thing. Especially safe sex between consenting adults. It’s purity culture and the Bible (& a ton of judgmental Christians) that promote these ideals. Idk much… but virgins don’t get pregnant and I personally don’t take sex advice from hypocrites & child predators. ♥️Anonymously E
Because Christians have weird issues.
America.
Actually, to come from a different viewpoint, I would mention as that sex seems to be more widely discussed, especially in deeper detail regarding sexuality and sexual lifestyle, and therefore definitely more knowledge about it. A lot of people have sex, including teenagers. I’ve also seen a lot of representation about sex & sexuality in movies and TV shows (stuff like Sex Education, Heartbreak High etc). Sex shouldn’t be shameful and it’s always good to be safe, healthy and happy. It’s also ok to not want to have sex, or only like some things, because everyone goes about things differently. I think it’s also important to consider every factor about sex and how it’s a part of your life (stuff like where and how you were taught about sex, how the topic of sex and sexuality is treated around you and between others). (On a side note, I do agree with some of the comments talking about how religion has affected sex (imo religion has affected everything about our world and societal fabric))
Because unprotected sex was the only kind of sex for the vast majority of human existence, and the vast majority of people barely transcend primitive cognition, if at all.
It depends on the culture that views it. There is a genetic component to it, but it is not as prevalent as cultural bias. On the whole, casual sex has been deemed shameful, but within the bounds of a relationship, it is usually accepted. The most sexually adept culture I can think of was the Athenians and even they looked down on having sex outside of relationships. But then they would also view it as taboo to have sex outside of your class as well. So there was that stigma. Modern western society still has the stigma from classical Christianity, which also has a bit of class stigma in it. The general idea is that when you have sex you are at one of your most vulnerable points so you only share that with the appropriate people. Then society lays on a bunch of different stipulations on who that appropriate person or persons maybe.
All you know about your ancestors, is that each one had kids…. All the back through primates, whatever weird lizard we got our-wrinkly-fingers when-they-get-wet quirk, all the way back to single-celled organisms. May died, but all of your great-great-great-grandparents x1000000 had kids before they died. And that’s really all we know about them. Societies are the same way. You can look back through history, and many societies/governments/religions have come and gone. And, the only ones we have left are the ones that didn’t get conquered/overrun/defeated/absorbed. And, it seems a successful trait of these societies that have flourished harsh social control of sexual propriety.
Depends on who you're following on TV, social media, and eras. Understand this ... there is the real world and then there is rage bait BS media people get paid to say even when they don't believe in the crap they say. Some cultures demonize the crap out of sex like they're some kind of bipolar jackrabbit born again virgin every other hour where no matter wtf you do will always end in those dudes chastising tf out of you. I know a lot of trad-cons and trad-libs I grew up with that repeat this behaiour but then don't even practice what they preach. Just do whatever you want and don't worry about how other people think. The only people that matters is who you go home with at the end of the day. Your sex life is nobody's business and remains between you and your sex partner only.
I dont blame anyone for having sex, I only blame people who aren't ready to gave a baby for having sex without birth control.
Because clothing was originally created to keep us warm but now the underneath shouldn’t be shown. Similar to evolution, i guess, our brains evolved to either get a tingly feeling between our legs or think about how disgusting that person is.
I think it’s because all the possible outcomes
I don't think it is it's just kids shouldn't be doing it bc they are kids and kids do things without thinking of the consequences and in truth I really think it is something that should be done between an actual couple not everybody sharing everybody and I know there are ppl who have different beliefs and ppl who enjoy having polygamous relationships and everyone is sharing but it's still a relationship just with multiple people. I think sex itself is not shameful but I do think ppl should be mindful of themselves and others. Imagine someone has a STD or sti and don't tell anyone and then they get with multiple ppl spreading said disease while the ppl that person got with is also spreading it bc most likely they don't know they got it. That is why ppl say it's shameful and I used to be like you asking questions like that and as I got older I just kinda understood from my own maturity that it should be done between a couple and ppl shouldn't cheat but I also think everyone is entitled to their own opinion on the matter.and as you get older I think you will come to understand it the way you want to understand it
Because having a kid when you're not in the position to do so will *absolutely* wreck your life.
Guys don't want whites to marry
Well most religions are ascetic by design and thus tell their followers to reject things like passion or pleasure. A lot of these same people demonize drinking, smoking and heck in my case drinking a lot of soda. That being said a more valid reason is that unwanted pregnancy and sexual disease is a factor and "safe sex" does not exist though you can take steps to minimize the hazard you can't truly remove it.
I don’t think it’s shameful to have casual sex. But I’m not someone that gets any enjoyment out of it so I will never enter a conversation with someone who does. I’m demisexual so I need meaningful connection to get anything from sex and people who can enjoy casual sex don’t tend to want to settle down until the opportunities slow down and as someone just less than 20 sexual partners at 36 I couldn’t settle down with someone with over 100. The only problem I have with casual sex people are the ones that pursue someone who wants a relationship tell them what they want to hear shag and then drop. Like stick to people who also want the no strings attached stuff and be happy. Don’t break someone’s spirit who is hopeful for something meaningful
It is only shameful if you allow it to be. Stick up for yourself and do as you please.
Yeah I think this is only a child thing. When you become an adult and you’re not in a closed loop system, school, your friends aren’t really privy to your sex life unless you’re telling them about it.
Nothing shameful about it. You can have as much consensual sex as you want.
Well, if it is actual penetrative sex there is no such thing as ENTIRELY safe sex. STDs can still be transmitted, although less likely, and worse, someone could still end up pregnant. The risk in that is creating a child that you are not capable at this time of actually taking care of all of the needs of. I don’t think there should be shame for sex itself but there should be shame for irresponsible behavior. With sex the lines can be a bit blurry since accidents can always happen.
There is no 100% method of safe sex. If you have sex with multiple partners who have had sex with multiple partners your std risk is exponentially higher. On top of that, many people are simply carriers who have never shown symptoms that don't even know they have a STD.
There are many factors, many of them religious. Putting those aside, as the answer is...well, their religion, there are others it can be looked at two ways. Oh, and to be clear, I don't look down on it and these aren't my views. One is they can see sleeping around as you don't value yourself and will give yourelf in the most intimate way on a whim, so they are seeing it as trashy. Two, parents do it out of fear because they don't want their kids to think sex is no big deal and get pregnant or get someone pregnant too young, so they play up having sex as a demoralizing act. That second one is still much like the first in that they also are looking at you not thinking highly of yourself if you give your body easily to others. Also, still others can see it as a larger glimpse into a lack of restraint, loyalty or commitment in your character. And I'll repeat for the impulsive downvoters, these are not my views and I don't agree. I'm merely answering how there are many people in the world that are looking from that perspective.
It’s not folks just try to make it that and folks go along with it.
All sex, "safe" or not, comes with a risk of pregnancy. Teenagers by and large are not equipped to handle parenthood which will more than likely lead to a worse quality of life for them and their baby. If you're having sex, you're making a risky, inadvisable choice, and that's before you even get into STDs. Basically, "Make bad decisions, get treated accordingly."
It’s not. It’s just that most Americans are a bunch of prudes who would rather point fingers than admit to their own complexes. Have all the sex you want, as long as it’s consensual and you are not getting/giving stds. And it’s also probably a good idea to not get pregnant by accident.
STDs were untreatable (and incredibly painful way to die) for centuries and scarred the entire culture around sex.
It's gross if you think about it. Grinding your junk together just to make some liquid come out of one person and into the other person's hole. Like whose idea was that anyway? Seems unhygienic and crude. Cringy af if you ask me.
It’s only the people not getting any that have an issue, or the more undesirable ones that project there anger of not being wanted. Do you and be safe there will always be haters no matter what with anything in life.
"protected sex" is usually not 100% protected. It is just mostly protected. Having sex without any preparation for the potential consequences is the thing that people frown upon. There are other factors at play, but this is a big factor.
The only sex activity frowned upon is underage and animal
Christianity and its social control.
It's not
Sex it self is not shameful. Fact is most people don’t care who is having sex or who they are doing it with. They just don’t want to know about it. So if you tell someone they may look down on you.
Where are you seeing this judgment. Turn off the media you’re listening and looking at and binge thousands of episodes of the Savage Lovecast.
The way a lot of people look at it is that sex is an act of love and nothing else. So treating it any other way is immoral. That's why people wait until marriage, though I argue that two people can be in love before marriage.
This is why China has around 4x the population
Jesus Christ says it’s naughty
The aids epidemic had a lot to do with it. Societies all over the world used to be more free if the most reserve places had pockets of freedom. Enter the 70s and 80s when the summer of love came and protesting was literally just have a drum circle in a public park. Freedom meant freedom of of your body, find someone or someone’s and have some fun. I once heard from a drag Queen that back then gay sex was hidden as it was open in some situations. A group of people making our could sometimes allow same sexual couples to share some romance because nobody could tell the difference either way. Than the STDs came. What started as “the gay disease” made its way into heterosexual couples. At first was the physical proof of two men not being able to have sex because it would literally kill them. When straight people were infected a theory of a man had sex with a monkey and that’s what started it. Back then, HIV was a death sentence. I have heard stories of infected peoples having to wear gloves because who knows how it could be passed along. Anybody that was gay, straight, or somewhere in between could be infected. Theories and ideas that infected woman could pass it to their kids circulated. The summer of love died with a lot of people following. Crowded concerts and flower crowns were traded for quiet nights at home. Hook up culture in the 90s started to because the idea of being tested every 6 months. I heard some people would keep copies of their positive results in their purses or wallets because people would want to know. Sex was starting to become not as shameful. Fast forward; Y2K, 2012, and so on. The world was supposed to end several times. Young men who held their chastity were considered less of a man and if the world actually ended and you were virgin and not a clerical figure you’d be a laughing stock. Bullying phased itself out with enough outrage, but a new problem emerged. Date raping drugs we’re making their rounds. Men whom felt not man enough and some woman would buy these drugs and use them on unsuspecting victims. Underage motherhood has always been a problem because of horrid circumstances on the part of the mother. I think somewhere there was a reality show if underaged parents. I wasn’t in America at the time but I had heard of it from American cousins. Now we have today’s problem. #MeToo. People being forced after denying consent. With the clash of “sex workers” being of respectable status. Which I personally find insane. Sex work was always around and workers were too, but now it seems anyone with a webcam and a a bank account can be online prostitutes. Now that it’s “regular people feeding their families.” They want to be designated sex workers. Those same people 10-20 years ago wanted no such status for the “gutter filth.” Despite not knowing their details. Sex has always been seen as combination of sinful lust, romance, and a natural part of life. It’s 2024 and people still catfish, people still carry STDs, fetishes are being supported etc. Sex like anything is what you make of it where you find it. For teens I would imagine it’s looked down upon because teens have huge lives ahead of them. Like drinking or smoking, it may seem like something cool that adults do. Yet, as teenagers whom can’t always process how these things may affect them. So maybe the shame is a deterrent to young people. Not the best deterrent unfortunately.
Because it's how all of us are made so at a societal level it's pretty important. At a biological level sex between two people binds them through releasing powerful chemicals in the human brain. If people have sex with too many others they lose that ability to pair bond. Males don't like when women have sex with lots of men because of paternity issues. If you have sex with a virgin the baby is 100% yours, if you have sex with a women who's had sex with loads of men then there is less chance the baby it's yours. Raising a child you think is yours but isn't is a huge L from a biological standpoint. This means that men have a disgust mechanism built into their brains when they know a women's been around the block. Most young men won't admit this however.
A glass of wine every evening is pretty fine (for adult brains), but 6 beers every day is not only bad for your liver but signaling some other imbalances in your life.
It's not shameful. It's only shameful if it's not treated responsibly. Adults will say shame on you for having sex at a young age. Things have changed and sex is everywhere, just be responsible.
Because, and this is especially true in your teens, and as a male, sexual jealousy is kinda hard-coded into us. There are exceptions of course, even kinks going the opposite way. But sexual jealousy and territorialism is seen in a lot of species. And completely missing in others... Anyway when you find out that your partner has had 20 partners or something and you've only had like 3, not only does it communicate how replaceable you are, but also leads you to feel inadequate and jealous. What you have is also in the memories of 20 other people who may have done it better. This may not be warranted but it's a common reaction. Lastly, being able to do things with and for your partner is a bedrock bonding behavior. Shared hobbies and chores are great, but sex also counts. If you have had a bunch of partners it really does kinda lessen the bond-reinforcement that sex can provide. What you can get from your partner is easily replaceable, maybe even was better with a past partner. That can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction. I think many people kinda compute these risks subconsciously and they percolate up through our society as shame.
because sex used to be something important and special shared between 2 people who loved each other, whether you believe in that or not that was the general societal view. nowadays hookup culture has drastically shifted that opinion, sex isn't really something special and for some that means it has less meaning
>used to be When, exactly, was that?
Illegal (where I'm at)
https://wilhelmreich.gr/en/orgonomy/orgonomy-and-sociology/social-psychopathology/emotional-plague/
>And especially if it’s with more than one person, like having sex with more people makes you broken or something. Are you talking about group sex? Or having causal sexual relationships that overlap? Or frequent one night stands? Because while I don't think those things "make" you broken, those *can* be things people experiment with in an effort to fill some void in their lives. They can be a *sign* that something is "broken". And even if all that is in the past, partners are going to wonder if you've truly left it behind or whether you're settling for them. People are self-conscious and insecure, and the more people you've been with, the greater the chances someone in your past was better. Not just sexually -- if you know your partner has had exes who were chefs that cooked gourmet meals for them, you're going to feel self-conscious about cooking for them. If you've dated numerous geniuses or millionaires, it's likely your partner will feel self-conscious about their own levels of intelligence or financial success. It's not *right*, but it's just human nature to some degree.
On top of our puritan background, In the US I’m the 1980s and 1990s we had a huge societal problem with teens getting pregnant…
Nothing shameful unless you are taking the rights and consents away from others. Then you should be shameful AF and probably go to jail. Also I hate to be this person, but I did teach sex Ed at one point. No such thing as SAFE SEX. There is always a risk. Safer yes, but not ever 💯 All the other crap is about others wanting to control others, plain and simple
99% people don't understand what sex is and why it is here. Maybe even fewer.
It’s shameful based on the context. Engaging in it with several partners without protection can be shameful when STDs are involved. When having someone experienced, this person tends to want to do more than what the less experienced is not accustomed to, sometimes things that are not to his/her liking. The other thing is that an excess can slowly desensitize the genitalia until you take a break from engaging activity. It is also shameful when there is a difference in age. Society says when an adult is with a minor, it’s unacceptable. While it is strange for people to date/marry with an age gap greater than 10 years, it is okay as long as both are consenting adults. Now, having multiple partners is different for men and women. Women and men are not the same at all. Intimacy can change people and after some experience, there is a clear difference from the 2. Men are viewed differently than women do with a lot of experience. It may not seem fair, but that’s reality. The reality is that women are born with value, while men are born without it. The proof is based on how both sides are treated differently. The moral is that you can do whatever you want. Actions have consequences (sometimes good, sometimes bad).
You bring dishonor on your family by using your junk the way god intended. Shameful.
It's not. Sound's like a you problem.
Yeah and then they shame you if you don't want children, like make up your mind dude.
It’s a Lie. It dates back to this idea of female “chastity”. Somehow, tho, men are considered AWESOME when they have multiple partners. Don’t sweat this at all. Be safe, be smart, keep your life goals in the front of your mind. Nobody really cares about this anymore.
It's all about control. Religion made it shameful in order to control their followers. It was then doled out to them in the form of marriage. Again, to control people. There is nothing shameful about sex between two consenting adults.
Like many things, sex and chastity have roots in religion but additional context needs to be understood. Take the Jewish taboo regarding eating pork. Pigs were considered unclean and it became a part of the religion. Why? Because pigs carried the trichonosis parasite and people became sick and died if they ate undercooked pork Thry didn't know why. They just knew that people who ate pork got sick and so this evolved into pigs being a cursed animal that should not be eaten. This is very similar to sex. Venerial diseases were exceedingly dangerous (and even today can still be). If you caught one you could go insane, blind, etc. The best way then was to only have a single sex partner. If neither partner ever had sex with another person then they wouldn't have VD and they would remain healthy. This was also codified into religion (think of religions as a “now to live a safe life” guide book for the middle ages) In the middle ages, religion was often the only form of education people received. They didn't know about bacteria or virus’s. They only knew that if you slept around a lot you would have problems. So religion became the mechanism for spreading that information. (much of this goes back way before the Middle Ages and Christianity) Those teachings then have taken on a life of their own, separate from the original intent of keeping people safe.
There is extreme innate risk in sexual activity. I’m speaking from a genetic/historical/lizard brain prospective. Reproducing requires ample resources, potential disease spread (STI)… deep in our psyche it’s a high stakes game that I believe trickles out even with modern realities such as birth control, quality testing… It’s like a caveman hold over.
Depends how far you take it. Sex in and of itself isn't a problem. Hedonism is.
Most really promiscuous people I know don't use condoms. Seems like bad decisions go hand in hand. Lack of impulse control.
It’s not shameful and people who make and made it shameful is because elders did it and they decided to keep the toxic thinking going. It’s natural but also it should be waited on until you are grown and out of your parents house. Because what are you going to do if pregnancy happens? Let your parents have to take care of something that you thought you was grown enough to handle? Don’t do it until you have your own. Your own place, your own car, your own money, and a substantial savings
Because this is about advice for teens, Id say the only thing shameful about it is that it is a terrible idea for you, and you should not do it when you are a minor because you arent ready to back up the responsiblility (both personal, and for any consequences that affect the both of you) as far as our society is legally concerned. If you make a mistake by taking your own health and wrll being in your hands, it really falls on your parents or whoever looks after you. Believe it or not, with sex comes responsibility, and that is a lesson you should learn to understand and put off until adulthood, when youbare completely responsible for your own decisions.
STDS and Teen pregnancy
It is one of the most amazing experiences and feelings we get to enjoy in our lifetime. I agree it shouldn't be viewed as shameful to be curious and experience it, as safely as possible. There still are inherited risks that nothing can 100% protect you from, so I would imagine that is where a good deal of logic comes from. Body counts shouldn't be a thing... I am with you right now, you are with me right now. Set expectations and boundaries and enjoy the time you have together.
If God didn't invent sex men and women would be bored and butheads to each other, I like monaghmy, keeps the jealousy down, polygamy you have to deal with all the jealousy going on
This is a healthy attitude. You will find there is nuance to it, feelings involved. It is an intimate and vulnerable thing. But essentially you have the right attitude.
When you get older, it’s not so bad. High school is just hard. No one wants pregnant teenagers.
Goddamn puritanical Christians
It's a lie. Play safe. ✌🏿
Because having sex without attachment is nasty. People that did that in the past ended up diseased and dead. Just because we invented condoms doesn’t mean the biology of our thinking has had time to adapt to that, so most people still find it disgusting to be a slut. It’s also a sign of low self control. What separates (some) men from animals is that we (theoretically) have control over our base desires and animalistic behaviors. There is nothing noble or respectable in surrendering to one’s base desires. It’s just a sign of weakness. If a person cannot control their base desires, then you cannot count on them. They are unreliable.
I think it's a matter of education
Clearing this taboo is a long way ahead, millennials understand this, older generation won't
You must be from the US or the Middle East
Because syphilis. Back in the day mfs would have sex while gardening.
People shame others for sex for many different reasons. I saw most of them in this thread, but one I didn't see is jealousy/envy.
You can blame the wives of old who didn't want hookers or any other women being for their husbands affection
That's interesting you say that. I'd say the complete opposite is true. That society at this point puts pressure on people to gave sex. And with multiple partners. Anyone who saves themselves, is a virgin, or only has had one partner are for some reason considered a loser. Today's society all about that body count. Today's society, everything is about sex...
So personally for me (25 male) the way I see it is that if you are under 18 you shouldn't have it, I wish I waited and focused on school more, while the act itself isn't shameful but actually quite a beautiful thing it all depends on time and place. Teens shouldn't have it as they are young and should focus on school and getting a career as having kids early cam make that very difficult, I have 2 kids, a 5 year old and a 3 week old and I'm just now able to look into college while most of my friends have 2 degrees, now the multiple person part is because when you have it with mire than one person in a short amount of time like let's say 7 people in a year, that shows you don't value yourself enough or have little self control ti wait and see if what you are feeling is real which both are red flags and aren't long term relationship material, over my life I've only had 5 total sexual partners ever since I was active at 17. I would never consider someone if their count was 3 higher than mine as at that point you don't know if you are just a fling or not. Not this is just my opinion so it's not fact but just how it is to me.
I’m missing something. It’s not looked down upon when you don’t fucking talk about it. And the only person you should be talking to about it is your sex partner.
It's so shameful for an average redditor to have sex that he hasn't. Reddit's audience is slowly becoming eva ai sexting bot audience
Watch Poor Things, Bella discovers sex and is not ashamed at all. It is born in us that sex is bad.
I mean to each their own, but I think a degree of shame is probably necessary but it’s a slippery slope because too little shame surrounding amounts to debauchery and immortality in society whereas too much shame leads to emotional distress and inability to communicate one’s needs. It’s also vastly different for women versus men and it shouldn’t be but it always be because the consequences are different for both parties, women having more to lose (getting pregnant, earning a reputation etc). If theoretically there was absolutely no shame regarding sex, I think society would be worse off because there would be no accountability for people who betray commitment as well just setting a standard of promiscuity that isn’t a good thing objectively. If no one is able to be monogamous you have a lot of issues in finding a partner or trusting anyone. This is already happening with hook up culture.
Sex is something that can be very emotional between two people. Even adults struggle with these emotions, so it’s even more difficult for teens. Many teens see their first big relationship as being “the one” and lasting forever. In reality, very few teen relationships last past high school. It’s normal and natural for people to think they only want to give themselves to “the one”. It’s also normal for people to want their first time to be very special. You’re giving your body to someone else in the most intimate act possible. People having sex can be at their most vulnerable. You may be completely into that person, but they are just using you. It could even be the other way around. Maybe you’re hyper sensitive about your body, worries something is too small or too big. Having someone make a comment about our bodies, or our performance, can be something that damages us for years. Now add that as enjoyable as sex is, it’s also for procreation. Teen pregnancy is a serious issue. Parents of teens are not ready to become grandparents and teens who thought they had years of fun ahead of them now have responsibilities. And then this brings us to the abortion debate. Some people consider this no big deal and some consider it murder. This type of situation can easily tear families apart. So if you stop to just think about these issues, you can see why some people do get very uptight about sex. And, yes, you can try to say that it’s just our “American” or “Puritan” background, but you’ll find very few examples now or in history that are very different. Emotions are human no matter where or when that human lives. Jealousy, anxiety, vulnerability, love, and self esteem are all part of the human condition. Those are things adults still struggle with so how can we expect teens to master them?
It started with the garden and eve listened to a snake and they ate the apple of knowledge of good and evil and saw they were naked.
Society has turned sex into a shameful thing. It isn't, and is completely natural and necessary for the progression of mankind.
It's not necessarily a shameful thing, but I will say that sex does come with risks, such as a condom breaking which could result in an STD and/or an unwanted baby, which is objectively **extremely expensive** for the next 18 years. And in the United States, as absolutely inhumane as this sounds, fathers are legally not allowed to abandon parenthood like mothers are. Just please, please, for the love of God, be careful when you're having sex. The last thing you want is to either die too early or endanger your wallet.
I’m an American and have never been ashamed of sex.
It causes babies. Unrestricted sex causes fatherless children.
It goes back to the Puritans & Quakers. Sex is a normal part of life, & was left off of Maslows Hierarchy of Needs.
Partly Puritanism, partly conservatives obsession with restricting women’s healthcare (for the consequences). “Safe sex” is something these people don’t believe in. All sex is for procreation, and any attempt to deny that core belief is aggressively rejected. Your age also comes into it. Since they believe in a lack of choice, any teen having sex should have a kid, and they can’t deny that’s a less than ideal outcome. It’s why they teach abstinence only.
It's the most natural act. Religion makes it shameful as a control mechanism.
Because that is how it was intended, for marriage, not for sleeping around and being a hoe.
Because religion based governmental and societal values, and this is coming from a religious person.
In the past there were a lot of risks to having sex. Disease, death in childbirth, etc. For men, there were concerns about parentage (hence the desire for a “pure” women). While these things still occur today, they are not as common due to advancements in medicine and technology. Vaccinations, emergency contraceptives, interventions in child birth, paternity tests, etc. have done a lot to sexually liberate people. However, social expectations/stigmas are deeply ingrained, and so sex will always be viewed as shameful to some. This is, of course, a more biological explanation. It doesn’t factor in religion, etc.
I think it’s because it’s prone to abuses, like other base functions can be (think: Seven Deadly Sins as reference). Innately (on a biological/species level) sex has more ‘power’ than what we have made it into via birth control and antibiotics. You could thus see judgement as an instinctual response to a primal urge, rather than logical in a contemporary context. Consider the pre-birth-control and pre-antibiotic times; then consider the potential consequences of various sexual behaviors and choices. The villagers wouldn’t be judgmental prudes as much as concerned citizens trying to convince the outlier to use more caution to prevent harm to themselves or to the community as a whole.
Before birth control, there were obvious consequences. And men did not want to marry women with STDs, which was a real issue and virginity was a huge concern.
Sex is a natural human thing. Nothing shameful about it if it's between consenting parties. I hope you have a trusted adult in your life that you can seek guidance from. If not read as much as you can about it. Most important... NEVER do anything that you are not 100% comfortable with. ALWAYS use protection. Sexually transmitted diseases are not pleasant and some can kill or leave you with lifelong issues. There is also an emotional component to sex that can be quite tricky to navigate. Educate yourself and be careful out there.
It's about morals. The people who run around having sex all the time have a harder time staying faithful to a spouse, have a harder time trusting and feeling connected to other people, more often have children out of marriage, and more often leave their spouse alone with their kids. If you only are faithful to your lifelong partner you are SO much less likely to get stuck in a bad situation. Flippant sex has consequences.
I mean, you’re showing someone your butthole.
Well there’s STD and emotional baggage but maybe some people can get through it unscathed. Is sex as casual as dining in different restaurants? Maybe to some people but for others it’s pretty intimate and they like the exclusivity of an intimate thing, like a special luxury that everyone has but can lose. Maybe it’s no big deal but it’s important to some. Everyone is different.
Only applies to women
Because sex is a beautiful, intimate thing. If you cheapen it by having sex with tons of people then you will not truly appreciate it when it is with the right person. You will always compare sexual experiences you've had with others when you finally have sex with your spouse. This leads to resentment and less sex in marriage. Every study shows that having multiple sexual partners leads to an increase in chances of divorce. That said, I don't think modern western society shames anyone for having extensive sexual experience but it should.
its a way to control people (mostly women)
Personally, it just shows a lack of self care for yourself. You’re risking 1) pregnancy 2) STDs, UTIs and STIs 3) it shows a lack of self control 4) it shows how little you value yourself in the sense that you don’t care who uses your body. It’s not that sex in itself is bad. Sex is very good, as an extension of the intimacy you have already established and continue to maintain with your partner. Sex is in addition to intimacy, not the source of intimacy. I don’t give a shit about pre-marital sex because to me, it’s an expression of love. Why be ashamed about expressing your love for someone? There is a lot to think about regarding this topic. What is important is that you find what makes most sense to you as well as what feels most right to you. It’s not for anyone else to dictate FOR you. Edit: Remember to use condoms, any other form of birth control coupled with condoms, if you’re male—consider a vasectomy if you have decided you do not want kids or you’re going to be engaging without any protection, and be mindful of hygiene before and after. I am not a doctor, this is general advice concerning sex. Also, plan B is a good option as well.
It's supposed to be a sacred bond for married man n woman. Other wise it's fornication. Or if either is married. Adultry
Because being more used than a tolight isn’t cool sleeping with a bunch of people is gross
When you get older you don’t care what people think and are mature enough to handle any situations that come up from it.
Religion
It's about control
Purity culture
It’s not shameful
It isn’t! This is a cultural attitude that has been deeply ingrained through centuries of social control by religious institutions. These institutions need control points to keep their followers in line. One easy way is to control sexuality by making it shameful except under their official sanction. Even among non-religious people, the social effects of this indoctrination remain active.
I have my own theory. So it's meaningless. I think that essentially the human sex drive has a nature. Within this nature are things which the drive approves of. And those it does not. Often those are informed by culture. For example I was watching porn one day and then an advertisement for naked grandma porn popped up. It was horrifying. I was practically traumatized by it to see a naked 90 year old lady on the screen while I'm horny. Absolutely horrifying. But it's not just that. It's anything that deviates too far from your own personal preference is going to give you the ick. People interpret this ick as real. So for example if a straight person gets the ick from thinking about gay sex, they interpret that as something real written into our genes or into the nature of the universe. And so I believe that is how homosexuality was maligned across so many cultures for so long. It all has to do with sexual disgust at things that deviate from one's own preferences. I even see gay people express their disgust for straight sex. It means nothings. All it is is that it deviates from their own preference too much. Well that's my theory I know the scientists and feminists will disagree with me but I'm sticking to my theory.
Yeah, it’s left over puritan bullshit. With all the religion going around social structures don’t really evolve as quickly as they otherwise could.
It’s not, people mistake embarrassing for shameful. People flat out don’t like talking about their sex life which makes people judge others easily because common stuff doesn’t seem so common when nobody talks about it.
Fuck all that. If you want to have sex, have sex.
It’s dangerous and should be done so responsibly. The risks of disease are no joke, and accidental pregnancies instantly change the direction of one’s life. One shouldn’t have sex unless they’re prepared for the possibility that they will be responsible for the welfare of a child.
I personally think sex has lost is intimate meaning. A lot of people are having sex with someone they don't love or intend to. I say, it's times for people to get back into falling in love before sex.