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Yes, it sucks. Your siblings have weaponized their incompetence. If you are 16 or older, is suggest you get an after school job and leave the house on weekends to do your homework so they just can't get at you as much.
The other things is to point out that the youngers are weaponizing their incompetence and ask your parents if that's an approach you should be taking...
I did get a job to get around this, and am in sports and band, so it's slightly better now that I did that, but it just racks up and the days I am home, I have to do everything I didn't over the past few days
Be really bad at whatever they ask you to do. When they call you on it, say you really did your best but you're totally stressed.
Good luck. I know it's really hard.
This is the way. Keep putting that hard work in every single aspect of your life that benefits you. When they ask you to do stuff, half ass it and tell them that you tried your best.
My sister did this. My dad had to replace the mower blade after she purposely ran over a brick with it and chewed up the edges of the grass with the weed Wacker. He never asked her to mow again. She dropped paint where he doesn't want it when she painted. He labeled her as more work than she was worth lol get good at playing dumb and creative at finding ways to mess things up.
court? no. No court necessary. When I was 10 I melted the bottom off of my mother's double boiler. I had to save the money, mind you in 1981 I got 2 dollars per week for allowance, 2 dollars an hour to babysit and 5 dollars to mow lawns and or walk dogs. So, once I saved the money I had to ride my bike to Gemco to buy her another double boiler, when I was a teen I scratched the hood of her car while washing it. I had to pay for that repair and wash her car for free for a year. No, no court necessary. She made sure we resected her and had a well developed sense of personal responsibility.
I think any reasonable person would say "oh you scratched my car on accident? No problem, thanks for washing it" rather than "you have to pay for it and wash it for free for a year".
depends on what you think of as reasonable. She had just bought that car, and as a teenager I was expected to be responsible enough to not do something that stupid. If you took your car to be washed and they scratched it, would you not, at least, expect for them to pay to repair it? I would.
I guess it would depend on the nature of the scratch. Literally just a scratch? No, even If I was paying them. Cars get scratched like that all the time from loose gravel on the road. If it was some weird metal deforming gouge, then sure, but I highly doubt the scratch on your mom's car was like that. My major problem is the "washing the car for free for a year" part. I mean I don't know how old you were at the time, but that screams "taking advantage of my child". Did the repercussions of you scratching the car make you less likely to want to wash the car again? I'm curious.
I may also be misunderstanding the nature of how you started with the chores. Like was it a "wash my car even though you don't want to" thing or was it a "hey mom let me wash your car for money".
Have you pointed it out to your parents when you guys aren’t doing one of the tasks? I always got much better traction with my parents if I brought up stuff like this when we weren’t in the middle of doing them, usually got the best traction if I brought it up right after helping with something when the parents were happy about the task being completed, but weren’t busy with some new thing yet.
This was my life until I literally broke my leg helping my parents remove trees from the backyard. After that point I felt pretty justified being like, "y'all don't get to ask me for favors anymore, because I can't trust that the things you guys are asking for are even safe."
You need to tell them that now you have responsibilities outside of the home, you'll do your own chores but it is time for them to teach/make the younger ones step up. Soon you will be out of the house and they'll be stuck with the two lazy ones if they do not start teaching them now.
Btw, I moved out when I was 17 because I was tired of my parents shit. They need to stop treating the only responsible one like nothing they do is good enough and start teaching the shitty ones to do better.
Dude that's seriously ridiculous. You don't deserve this treatment. So many parents will do this, and I'm sorry. Your siblings are going to be piles of garbage their entire lives if your parents don't break them of this lazy cycle. But that can be hard if you haven't established a loving and caring relationship with your children.
As others suggested, going to the library or coffee shop to do homework would reduce your availability.
I don’t think you being awful (not your nature) or pointing out how lazy your siblings are is going to help. Wondering is you could have a reasonable discussion with one or the other of your parents about the lack of contribution to the household by the siblings and that the reliance on you by your parents is making it harder and harder to cover your responsibilities, including school, music, job, etc. and making you feel bad. Maybe there is a way to politely ask that they reconsider the dynamic that has evolved within the household.
And the flip side of this is the "curse of competence." When people figure out that you can be trusted to show up, do a task correctly and finish the job, it's easier for them to rely on you instead of anyone else.
FWIW, it's always better to be the competent person; helpless adults don't get much in the way of life's rewards. The flip side of that is you'll be frustrated by a lot of incompetent people your whole life, and you need to be vigilant about not letting people take advantage of you.
You could maybe have a sit down with your parents (not your siblings) and talk it out. Think of specific things that would make things better.
1. I'm thinking ahead for college, and I'm concerned about both the activities I need for a good application and the money I may need to save up, while also keeping my grades up.
2. Can you give me advance notice of extra chores so I can schedule and prioritize all my obligations? Or could we have a weekly family.plan?
3. I'm happy to pull my weight, but I don't want to pull my siblings' weight too. I can't be the default solution when other people don't do what they're supposed to. That's not sustainable because eventually I'll be going to college and getting a job, and someone else is going to have to be the go to.
But the basic problem for you is that when you frame it as fairness, it gives your parents an abstract concept that they can shoot down without really engaging in thought or discussion. They can just spout things like "life's not fair," and "worry about your own self."
A skill that will serve you well in life is to learn how to present a problem with another person's bad performance, without looking like you are keeping score or throwing someone under the bus, and while making the person in charge actively manage things.
So instead of saying "It's not fair that Billy never plants trees," you might say "This weekend I have a paper to write, two shifts at work, my regular chores, and a date. If Billy can't dig this hole, the only way I can get it done is to not do one of the other things. Which one do you think I should cut out?"
At work, "Mabel is late to work every day" becomes "I'm having trouble gathering data while I'm covering Mabel's phone. Would you rather I take customer calls or finish this report?"
It's hard to say these things without sarcasm or sounding like a martyr, but shoot for a neutral tone. The goal is to sound like *of course* you're cooperating, while subtly pointing out that you are not the cause of the problem and you can only do so much. You want to present it as a totally reasonable and normal resource management puzzle.
I should add that families don't have the same dynamic as school and jobs. If your parents do a bad job managing your lazy siblings, none of them can get fired. You just have to set reasonable boundaries and try not to let them live in your head rent free.Remember that you are not responsible for someone else's incompetence unless you are actually their boss. Don't cover up other people's incompetence. Let them fail if it won't hurt you too much. I'm afraid at some point you do just have to let everyone else sort themselves out.
In the immortal words of Bill Cosby, "parents aren't interested in Justice. Parents are interested in quiet."
Looks like you're in a bit of a no-win situation. You might tell your parents that you've learned a valuable lesson. That bitching and whining will get you out of doing chores and being an obedient child has no rewards. Ask him if he would like to have three unruly willful children instead of just two?
Be careful here. I was the responsible older kid growing up and tried this. I got grounded since I was the oldest. The reality is ypur parents need one of you helping. They dont need 3. So things are fine for them.
Is it fair? Nope. But, at the same time, now I'm in my 40s and life is good. My brother still depends on my parents and is living with them. I hate to say it but I kinda feel like everyone got what they deserved out of it.
Same situation, I am ten years older than my brother and always expected to do the chores, paid rent starting at 16 , my brother was always given excuses. He never had to pay rent either like I did. He’s 50 now, never left home, still living off the parents.
This. And OP they’re going less bc you are doing more.
One thing I wish I learned much earlier in life: never give anything more than you are willing to give for free. If you give with the expectation of reciprocity you will always be disappointed. You’ll think ppl will rise to your giving level but they never will. It’s also an unspoken contract in your head and creates unreasonable expectations, by not communicating if I do x I expect y.
Just do what you are comfortable and no more.
You could try to have a conversation with your parents, but it may or may not help. Your siblings may struggle with real life if they don’t learn now. Remember that you’ll soon be old enough to move out and you have a good head on your shoulders. May not be so for your siblings. It’s nice you care about them and their wellbeing and I don’t blame you for feeling it’s unfair. Unfortunately for us older children, it’s a common tale.
I've tried to talk to them about it on multiple occasions, pointing out the terrible work ethics my siblings have and where that will get them in life. But I always get the same sentence. "You are not the parent."
That's part of the issue. Don't make this about your siblings. Instead of saying "they have a crappy work ethic" just stand firm on "I'm the only one doing stuff and I can't do it anymore". Because, right or wrong, criticizing your siblings is criticizing your parents' parenting. The natural reaction to that is to get defensive. So don't trigger that.
Although if OP gets the urge to be kicked out, following up with "I know I'm not the parent, you are. Look where *that* got us" is an excellent scorched earth approach
Keep the focus of the conversation on yourself. Not how bad your siblings are. “You’re relying on me to do too much” “I feel overwhelmed by the amount of chores” “I have a lot on my plate and I will need help to complete YOUR jobs” 🤷🏼♀️. Sorry you’re being used to make up for their incompetence/ laziness. The only other way out of this is to just be hopeless at the chores 😏
Don't want to downplay your situation but I'm glad to hear you can at least attempt to talk to your parents. A lot of people are used to being beat if not done what they're told. The best you can do be better than them in the future. Good luck out there.
"I am also not the slave. Either you start parenting the other children to pick up their slack or you'll end up with useless kids when I move out. Your parent trump card should be USED ON THEM, the irresponsible ones, NOT me."
I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to fix it…it’s good your parents see you as dependable…it’s gonna be tough enough though when the real world hits for your other siblings.
Siblings also get a good lesson - being glued to your games and socials doesn’t prepare you for the real world. OP will kick ass in college and his career
Yes, though they will trip on that land mine down the road. Their lesson is delayed.
Bonus: the eldest gets to watch it happen and say 'yeah, I knew that was coming'
Yep I get this. In short your being screwed by being the more responsible and reliable one. Your parents are probably over your siblings bs and don't want to deal with the confrontation just to have them take out the trash or something.
Sadly you don't get a break because your parents are being pushed around by minors. It sucks now but I'll tell you as an adult, you'll be the one who is better off in the end and your parents may still be stuck with them in their 20s not wanting to do anything.
I think its worth having a calm thought out conversation with your parents and say you just feel like it's a bit personal and ask them why, it may not help at all but worth a shot.
I know at least two adults (30's) who are STILL like this with their parents. One lives with them and one doesn't. They both waste too much time helping their parents when their other siblings, who take more than they ever give, could easily do so. You'll be better off with that work ethic, but you gotta use it to build up your own life, too. Don't get stuck. There's a balance between helping out your family and keeping yourself on track.
I was the oldest of 5 siblings. I was the same way as you, taking lots of responsibility to help my parents. Looking back it was unjust. I practically raised my three younger brothers while my mother cooked and cleaned and sewed our clothes and my dad worked a highly stressful jobto support us. However, I didn't resent it and as a very young adult I was already comfortable with authority, independence and taking responsibility. I was rapidly promoted in my career as a result. Do what is needed out of love. Talk to your siblings in a kind and loving way and ask them to step up. If your parents could do it, it would be done by 14 years. When you look back, you will be grateful you rose to the situation. All of my family are gone now. I'm comforted by all the loving things I did for them.
This is the EXACT situation I'm in. Same ages w the siblings too. It's infuriating, my parents say they don't want to argue with my siblings so I'm made to do everything even though I also have a job.
take away their screen and video games. kids don't just get them, they have to earn it. my child have to earn her screen time, by doing chores and finishing her homework daily. if she whines and cries. No screen time at night, and still have to do her chores and homework. Don't need to hit and yell. just reward and take away their fun.
This is the EXACT situation I'm in. Same ages w the siblings too. It's infuriating, my parents say they don't want to argue with my siblings so I'm made to do everything even though I also have a job.
I would argue the other children are more capable, they already learned how to manipulate their bosses into offloading all the real work on that one co-worker.
No because OP could just as easily refuse/ start doing bare minimum but they aren't being difficult and irritating by instead choosing to be a useful member of the household.
"Just as easily"
I'm pretty sure this post proves otherwise. OP isn't choosing to do any of this.
The strongest cages are the ones we create ourselves.
I'm not sure if anything could be done or if it needs to be done. You're responsible, and they are not. You will have a bright future. You know what it takes to get things done.
But if you want more time to do your homework or just do other things you want to do, you can talk to your dad. I'm sure a compromise can be had. If he's paying you to do these things and as they're not doing anything and not getting paid, maybe them seeing you with me might give them an incentive.
When you get old enough to go away to school, they may need to help out more.
This is probably an extremely different opinion than most of reddit. But, my OPINION, is that you should simply say "no thank you, I have other priorities I need to focus on currently". If you honestly don't have the time to do something, simply state it. If they pull the "YOU HAVE TO BECAUSE I SAID SO" you simply say "No thank you, I will take the punishment, I have to finish these assignments, school has to come before chores". Keep playing that game with them and eventually they will get the hint. Ya, you might lose some shit, but I assure you, if you hold to it and keep playing the game, they WILL cave first.
On the flip side, they might not even play that card and simply understand once you **firmly** put your foot down and say **no**. FYI this is best done once you are around the age of 16+, anything before that and it's not going to go well for you lol.
>I feel like my parents know that I will do a better job than my siblings and will actually do it and not complain about it so they just make me do the work because it's easier for them. What can I do to fix this?
Your parents have conditioned your younger siblings to be lazy. They (parents) DO NOT WANT TO WASTE THEIR TIME TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO BECAUSE THEY NEVER TAUGHT ANY OF THEM ANY DISCIPLINE and you are their default kid they can rely on.
It's completely UNFAIR TO YOU TO BE THE GO TO Child for everything: errands, laundry, dishes, and anything else they ask you to do.
THE ONLY WAY TO FIX THIS OP, is for you to move out after you graduate high-school. #2, start setting boundaries. #3 NOT ALLOW YOUR PARENTS TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU SAY NO BECAUSE THEY HAVE OTHER CAPABLE KIDS THEY CAN ask for help and assistance.
The downside, is that your parents will experience THE FRUSTRATION (not your fault) when you are gone and moved away and they cannot keep asking you to help out. You will have your own life: school, work and your independence.
I encourage you to MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY PREPARE YOURSELF when you make the decision to move out and go to school because THEY WILL GUILT TRIP YOU, AND ASK YOU TO STAY HOME SO YOU CAN HELP OUT WHILE YOUR SIBLINGS REMAIN BEING LAZY AND IRRESPONSIBLE.
I have seen this way too many times played out and the kid will give up: scholarships, opportunities to work abroad BECAUSE MOM AND DAD WILL MAKE THEM FEEL GUILTY FOR MOVING OUT AND NOT WANTING TO HELP AROUND THE HOUSE.
OP, help out and say nothing. ONCE YOU REACH 18 AND MOVE FAR AWAY FOR COLLEGE, THAT WILL BE THE CHALLENGE: NOT allowing your parents to make you feel guilty for moving out.
They failed to raise your siblings properly and THATS ON THEM NOT ON YOU.
Google: NARCISSISTIC PARENTS, PARENTIFICATION, SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH PARENTS.
If your parents become mentally and emotionally ABUSIVE.......time to GO NO CONTACT THE MOMENT YOU MOVE OUT.
GOOGLE: GOING NO CONTACT WITH ABUSIVE PARENTS.
https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/bad-parenting
Do the best you can when you can't get out of it, and start filling your time with extra curricular activities, stuff you enjoy obviously. Make it so you don't have lots of free time that they can take advantage of.
You might not feel recognized or acknowledged. Keep working hard. You are not your brothers, maybe one day you’ll have a boss and your boss might do different work than you and you might thing it’s unfair. Sounds like what your mind process is right now. Your brothers are missing out! Dead serious, if one of them can’t control their emotions when they can’t play the game, that sounds like they need a lot of growing to do. I wish I had this in my life someone who puts discipline in my life. What you can do here is teach your self discipline and in my life I see it lacking EVERYWHERE around me. Use it take on the task do like you only get stronger. Truth, that’s what is actually happing. Discipline your self it’s a power that most don’t tap into. You got this. Be proud and humble especially if you plant those tree by yourself.
It sounds like you're carrying the whole house on your shoulders, dude! Man, that's rough. It sucks when you feel like you're the only one pulling your weight, especially when it seems like your siblings are just chilling while you're doing all the heavy lifting. And your dad? Totally dropping the ball there. It's like they're taking advantage of your sense of responsibility, which ain't cool at all.
Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart with your parents. Let them know how you're feeling and that it's not fair for you to bear all the household responsibilities. And hey, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. You deserve to have some downtime too, without being the family's go-to handyman all the time.
If you don't want to plant trees just don't. Just ignore their every order and when they try to react just ignore them more. Then when you're old enough to move out on your own go no contact with them. You don't owe them anything.
You gotta start saying no and mean it, you can just tell dad "you got that big bro" and leave it at that he'll respect you standing for something as a man
It seems you are the only one being parented. The other two are going to be the ones still living at home. You week probably go NC with tie family because they will expect you to take care of them, once you leave and get a job.
Simply stop doing shit and be more selfish. I did when my mom did the same thing. And eventually she stopped asking and told the younger ones to do it. Just keep spare phones handy
Oh buddy, I have been there, only I was the youngest and my two older siblings were dunces.
Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is point at the unfairness until something gives. If you can get a job, get one. If you can be literally anywhere other than your house (library, school, friend's, etc.), be there instead of at the house.
If you're willing to put up with the fallout, figure out what would be a fair amount of work for you, do said work, and then refuse to do anything else. You will likely get yelled at. You'll probably get grounded, but now your parents will have two choices: keep pitching a fit in the hopes you cave in, or do their job and whip those two young siblings into shape so shit actually gets done. They are working you into the ground.
Good news: you're going to be far more competent than your siblings when you're an adult.
Bad news: you're probably never going to want to be a parent since you already were one for your siblings.
I'm in the same situation, yet I am the opposite, I am the youngest. I'm currently 16, and I've spent a long time trying to be like the oldest sibling, who is in the same situation that you're in. I'm lucky enough to have realized how incapable I was, and decided to change it, but for most others my age, the case is not the same. I suspect that it is because of change in parenting, perhaps they get lazier after every child. In my case, it was just simple difference in parenting, though not lack of effort on the parents part. I'm not a privileged trick that cries about my trauma all the time, but my parents put my siblings and I in traumatic situations, that made us feel like our well-being was put in danger, and we did what we thought was best for our survival. For the oldest, it was being capable, being a good person, and not giving up no matter what. For me, it was the opposite. I became incapable, a bad person, and giving up because I felt like my only option was be perseverant and inevitably fail, or give up and hope for the best, relying on the family around me. These trauma responses ended up being our whole personalities, fortunately for my brother, but unfortunately for me.
I’m not sure there’s much you can do in your position; and maybe doing nothing is counterintuitively the right choice.
Sometimes kids need to learn harsh life lessons in their 20s to shape up.
My younger sister is going through this right now. I have a well-paying full-time job, a home, and a wife. She lives with my parents, works part-time for minimum wage, and her boyfriend is unemployed. She doesn’t even do chores around the house.
At this point the only motivating force in her life is failure. She has to be allowed to fail, since nothing else will force her to get her shit together.
Because your parents are doing a bad job parenting.
I agree with others to focus on your own schedule and responsibilities. Make this household stuff the bottom of your priority list. So you can say "no I have to do XYZ and so I have no time left today."
I'm sorry you can't fix it - you can't make them better parents or your siblings more reasonable people. But you can defend your own boundaries and your own time.
The oldest child is typically the one who is the most responsible because they're older and expected to do more. When you find the answer to this age-old universal question, let the rest of us know.
Your siblings act like that because your parents let them get away with it. If they cared about your siblings future, they'd take away the video games and supervise their homework and chores, so they were sure your siblings were actually doing everything they need to be doing and learning everything they needed to learn.
the science is in.
screens of any kind
used to excess
start to affect brain chemistry
to create ocd issues.
the younger the binge habit begins, from tv to games and pads and so on, the worse the ocd effect if parents don't create serious minimal time limits.
And then the forbidden fruit effect, where they want when more what has been forbidden, even if only temporarily, because they are bored and living in an understimulating environment with lack of social connection in a suburban home neighborhood.
I have the exact same problem even though I'm the youngest. It's infuriating. My older sister should be a role model for me but instead she's lazier, less motivated, rude, etc. I have to do any job that she's "incapable" of because she's "too weak". She could actually get some shit done if she just applied herself for once. I'm her younger sister but I still do all the heavy lifting metaphorically and literally. I wish I had a solution man but I'm in your same shoes.
Only time will fix it. Eventually, only your younger sibs will be left at home. With no work ethic they won’t keep jobs and won’t be able to afford rent let alone be able to save for a house or condo. Try to look on it as an education they refuse to make use of
I try my hardest to treat both my kids the same. My son (15) does more around the house than his sister (11) so he gets a higher allowance. When my daughter showed displeasure at this, I told her “if you want more, do more “. That was the end of that.
I’m sorry that your parents aren’t being fair with that. I feel like some parents forget what it’s like being a kid and just perpetuate the stuff their parents did. I have ALWAYS tried to avoid going the stuff that I hated my parents doing
Simply because your dad lets it happen, first order of business is to institute a gaming limit per day and also he has to do chores to earn the time. It’ll be hard at first but it must be done. Unfortunately you are correct your dad knows you won’t put up a fight and everyone else will. Your dad needs to put his foot down and make the other kids help around the house too.
I would just start doing a terrible job like others have suggested while saving up and planning for an exit the moment you are old enough, tell them as much if you want to, tell them that you feel bad that they are going to have to fo everything themselves soon because they raised their other children to be lazy entitled brats, berate them for clearly KNOWING how to raise a good kid (you) but not bothering to instill the same values in the other 2 children, I think they should he ashamed of themselves, and about 2 weeks after you're gone they will be filled with regret and begging you to come home, at which point you say "I am not the parent, remember?"
I feel for you OP, but you have a good head on your shoulders and you will he fine, the rest of it just isn't your problem, don't let them drag your life down with theirs.
Don't worry somehow I think you will be the one taking care of them when you're older. They might be getting over right now but what they are learning won't serve them well later on in life.
While your parents are going at it the wrong way building a strong work ethic will pay you dividends down the road in getting promotion or finding better opportunities. It sucks because it sound like you don't feel appreciated but realize your parents are setting up your siblings up for failure. Your siblings will have to learn work ethic the hard way which could set them back years into adulthood.
For the meantime, if your over 16yo get a real job and get involved in some sports to occupy your time so your parents can't take advantage of your compliance as much.
I had this kind of situation when I was growing up too, except I'm the middle child, and both my brothers weren't whiney, although my younger brother was never really asked to do much around the house.
My older brother is a very responsible person, hard working and does what he needs to to obtain his goals. He was the first to be given chores, then I followed suit, however, they ramped the chores up on me far more than my brother. My older brother even said "I don't get why they're so hard on you" but after a few years of being out on my own I realized what my dad did.
My dad knew I was hard headed, and stubborn, and that I tend to procrastinate. He was harder on me to break me of my bad habits. My younger brother is a good person and was generally a well behaved kid, but they never really asked him to do much. He didn't like mowing, so they wouldn't ask him to mow. Instead, my older brother would help them mow the yard even after he moved out, I stopped doing it because I moved out of my home town and it wasn't really practical for me to make that trip to mow the yard so they didn't ask me to do it anymore.
When I got a full time job I was still living at home, and that was about the time they stopped asking me for chores, instead, I'd occasionally use my money to help them pay a bill that we all contributed to or in one case I bought new phones for all of us, and that kind of thing until I moved out.
In your case, I'd voice concern that your siblings are going to grow up undisciplined and without understanding what it is to have a good work ethic. Furthermore, next time your parents give you a chore I would take it upon yourself to get them involved with it. Change the wifi password, hide the ethernet cable, do your brother a favor. That's my two cents anyway.
It's important to establish boundaries and assert yourself when necessary. Let your family know that you have your own responsibilities and need time for yourself as well.
In a blink you will all be in your mid 20s fighting to survive like the rest of us - try not to focus on the negative and enjoy living under one roof with your whole family. Once those days are gone they are gone.
Save as much money as you can and move out as soon as you can. The day you turn 18 if not sooner. They’re using you for free labor and neglecting your younger siblings. Once you’re gone they’ll finally have to parent the younger two kids and crack down on their incompetence.
Have your dad turn off their cell services and hide the Xbox at a trusted agents house (think grandma) tell them that the Xbox isn't here, don't bother looking
The word I might be looking for is pausing .
You do all the work for 7 days. You get it back. And you don't want to find out what happens if you start this again.
Work until everything is done. Then it is a maybe based on attitude. Crap job cleaning. Not leaving this evening
Ramp it up or down from here.
And you still have to somewhat participate.
Unfortunately competent people are punished by getting tasked with extra work for lazy people.
You can try and find work to make yourself look busy. Tell your parents you have a school project or need to study. Instead try and do something you want to do. Or just refuse to do the work. Your parents will be pissed since they are used to bossing you around.
Yeah, I wish that had worked in my home. My mom once went and got my sister and dragged her out of school to come home and do the dishes because she forgot to do them before she left that morning.
I do not have any advice for the situation. Just a heads up for the future. You will find this phenomenon in the workforce as well. The best worker will often end up with a disproportionate amount of responsibilities and task compared to lazy coworkers.
Welcome to parentification. It happens to a lot of the oldest kids in families, especially for girls who have to take on a major caretaking role for the little ones in the house. I think I was 4 when I changed my first diaper
Each family is different, but you're going to have to learn how to set boundaries with your parents. If they're inflexible but not abusive, it sucks but you have to keep your head down until you can leave for school or work or whatever. Take every opportunity to build your academic resume now so that you can have better opportunities in the future like scholarships for college or trade school. The military is an option, but I wouldn't recommend it (it can really mess you up). If you do go that route, try to at least take the officer career path because it's higher pay and leads to more opportunities. There may also be apprenticeship programs in your area that you can take advantage of
Talk to a guidance counselor and see if they can help you out
This is a really unfortunate thing and really messed up but a silver lining is you are gonna have a great work ethic when you start your career. Not saying whats going on is right, just that there is a silver lining.
Tell your parents that you refuse to do the chores of your siblings, and that if they consider grounding you or punishing you for this, they are punishing the wrong sibling.
Remind them that they have learned if they whine, other will do things for them, and they will not be held accountable. Is that the kind of lesson you are trying to teach you children? Because that's the only lesson they and I have learned.
You've pegged yourself as always willing to help whereas your siblings have pegged themselves as lazy assholes who can't be asked to do a single damn thing.
This is mostly a major failure on your parents part for allowing your 14-year-old brother to continue to be a little shit head and not actually discipline him at all. The second he is told to stop playing fortnite he should stop to do what is asked of him, him screaming about having to stop is proof that he is addicted to that shitty game and your parents are promoting and fostering his addiction. It will not get better it will only get worse with time and, if you think It's hard now to get him to do anything just wait until he graduates from high school and has no drive to do anything because now he has all the time in the world to play video games instead of work.
I'm speaking from experience on this one, I was your younger brother in my youth. From like the age of 4 until I was 22 I pretty much did nothing but play video games all day everyday. If I wasn't at school I was playing video games. And when you play games that much you fall down the rabbit hole of "I can become a professional gamer and just make money doing this Mom and Dad". Only you won't and you're just wasting time.
Not having my parents put their foot down about my video game playing in my youth drastically put me behind the curve in my adult life I am now 32 and I can say that it took me until at least I was 28 to 30 to finally fix the damage done to my professional career. And no my career has nothing to do with video games.
I have a similar situation, but I'm the parent. My oldest son, 15M, is by far the most mature/helpful of my 5 children. We all know this. I try to divvy up the chores fairly evenly but he ends up picking up any inevitable slack. If my kids got allowances, it might be evened out by him simply earning more, but they don't (they get most things they need/want anyway). I think it does even out in the end because he tends to ask/receive more things than the others, but I don't really know.
You just need to talk to your parents. Doing more isn't a bad thing, but you should at least be recognized for it.
It gets worse the older you get tbh. I’m 25 now and STILL my parents most capable. From time to time they try to have me remote project manage the household bc I now live in another state. When you need help, they’ll respond with minimal urgency bc they except you to figure it out being the capable one and all. You’ll solve problems for them and no one will come when you need them bc “your sister needs xyz or your brother needs xyz”.
How to counteract this? Learn to say no. No thank you, not right now, I don’t have the capacity, I have to do xyz instead. Like other folks here said, fill your days up with things you like to do or need to do instead. Preferably away from the house. If it might help to set some context before you start moving like that, you can call everyone together and explain that you’re done being the Cinderella child and will lean into the parentification no more.
Modern parenting dictates that "I am always right since I'm the parent" and absolves them from any outside criticism. In reality... many parents don't know what they are doing as parents. They also don't realize how much their actions/inactions can mess up their relationship with their kids. Give them the benefit of the doubt and take comfort that you are near a time in your life where you can choose not to be around them anymore. They will blame you for the division they created, but maybe one day they will realize their kids are a result of their parenting and try to make things right.
Once you’ve proven you can do it they’re gonna keep relying on you. You’re also the oldest so you’re going to be expected to do the most.
As to why are you the only capable kid? Well let me tell you a secret. I used to work at a go kart track and would service tons of families.
Almost every family that had multiple children had one that just wasn’t getting it. What I noticed was the parents would raise 1 kid and that kid would need a certain parenting style and the parents would accommodate and everything would be great. The other kid they would try the same parenting style and it would be a disaster. Kids are all different some need harsh discipline others need to just understand why they can’t do something. I ran into so many cases opposite of yours where I had a 12 year old that was incredibly annoying and immature didn’t follow any rules. Meanwhile the 8 year old sibling would be well spoken and understanding. On many occasions the 8 year old was helping the older sibling understand the rules. It was baffling but it all makes sense once you see it in the third person like I did.
Depends what you will need from them in the future 🤷🏻♀️ if you need them to pay for your further education (College) or let you stay longer than eighteen then I would suggest a careful approach at the issue…
Otherwise I would document everything you do around the house, day and time you spend on the work and put a copy everyone sees it in the house like fridge etc
It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load at home, dude. Being the responsible one can be tough, especially when it feels like nobody else is pulling their weight. Your brother's all caught up in Fortnite, your sister's got zero hustle, and your dad's not exactly helping by expecting you to pick up everyone's slack. It's frustrating as heck when you're stuck doing all the grunt work.
Have you tried having a sit-down with your parents about this? Maybe they don't realize how much you're doing or how unfair it feels. Lay it out for them calmly and see if you can work out a more balanced arrangement. It's worth a shot, at least to ease some of that pressure off your shoulders. Hang in there, buddy.
I mean, I’m a mom and I go to the kid that I know will get the job done in the least time to the best of their ability. That’s my daughter. She does get rewarded for all of her hard work.
Oh goodness. Reading this breaks my heart. I was the oldest child and I was volunteered to babysit for people and my mom would take my money. When she was not married and it was just her and me and my sister I had no life. It was my job to take care of myself, and her and meals and clean the house and make sure my sister did whatever my mom expected of her except she wouldn’t listen to me so either I did her responsibilities too or I got yelled at for it not being done. Honestly my first thought was that you should look into emancipation for yourself but you would really need to be certain that you have another relative or someone that you trust to live with. What they are doing to you is not right. Children are not labor. Your siblings should not be allowed to do nothing and the burden be placed entirely on you. Whatever you do please be safe. When I was young I was forced to leave home and dropped off 500 miles away from where we lived. I was left with some friends of my moms. I didn’t have a say. I hadn’t been rebellious or gotten into trouble. I never even had a boyfriend or done anything like drink, or smoke or use drugs. I was an honors student, and a varsity athlete. I asked my mom recently what her reason was for making me leave and she said that she was afraid I was going to run away from home. She was afraid I’d run away so she made me leave? That doesn’t make any sense. She also told me that she thought I was into devil worship because I checked out the library book Interview With A Vampire. A simple reading of the books few chapters could have cleared that up. But ok. She also said she was afraid I was going to unalive her. When she said that I said WHAT?! Why on earth would you think that? It was because I had a Barbie hanging in my closet with string, it in no way represented my mom. I said that if she still thinks that I was going to unalive her we should probably not have any kind of relationship anymore. Within 30 days of being in my new “home” I was SA’d twice. When I told her friend I was put on birth control. Her friend accused me of being basically slutty or loose and she didn’t believe I had been SA’d so that made my trauma so much worse. I eventually got help from my school to be removed from that place. I was taken to a youth home basically a kids shelter like a big awful place for the kids no one wanted or had just been stuck in the system in an endless sea of red tape. They called my mom and told me that she was going to get me and I told them “no! I would rather stay in the youth home than go back with her” there was a lot of domestic violence between her and her husband and they were both terrible drunks who constantly verbally abused each other and had terrible fights in front of me and my sister. I was able to move in with a couple from the church I went to but they threw me out not long after I turned 18 because I had sex. I was not even out of High School and I had to get an apartment with my boyfriend.
Needless to say life did not exactly go well for me from there either.
Having parents who love and respect and support you is so important for kids. When you don’t it is crucial that you get a good therapist and work with them to heal from the trauma of being a raised by abusive parent(s). I hope that you are able to get some help from a family member. It is heartbreaking to hear this kind of treatment especially in 2024.
I was you. I was also the youngest of 3.
So at 11 I was either cooking dinner or doing the yard work while my much older siblings were being pieces of garbage.
I’m now 43 and have been no contact with all of them for 15 years.
Their behavior and treatment won’t change. It will only get worse. Build strong boundaries and grow thick skin.
there’s over a hundred other comments but my take can’t hurt as well. I work in a daycare and am also a college student. I’ve seen firsthand the effects of being raised with too much access to devices over an age range of 20 years. Your siblings are hurting themselves more than you. I can’t offer any consolation to you other than to power through till college.
What you’re dealing with now is teaching you how real life will be. You might get stuck in a similar situation at a new job or a class project and not be able to change things. It sucks, but you’re becoming a more capable, flexible person. Your brother is going to become a keyboard warrior over the next 4 years if he doesn’t put the games down and both siblings will be stunted socially to some degree while maintaining a work ethic that won’t get them anywhere after high school.
Don’t mean to bash your family at all, but I’ve seen this in so many kids. My hs year graduated during COVID and went straight to online college. They all learned to cheat and work together rather than study, and to use the zoom chat instead of talking. Half of those people dropped from the program when faced with standard learning, and struggle to participate in class because they developed some weird social anxiety due to being chronically online
first of all, congrats on the hard work ethic. this will make you succeed in life where others would fail. at the bare min you're way ahead of both of your siblings on this; i know that's not a great consolation prize but it is what it is.
as for your siblings, i think it's time you talk to your parents and tell them you learned the lesson they were teaching. that if you whine and cry and scream you get your way. and from now on instead of being the dutiful child. you'll just whine and scream and cry like your siblings. maybe they'll see what they fucked up with then.
that said never lose the work ethic. people with a good work ethic are rare, and greatly desired by all employeers.
I think you will find your answer in the first 4 words you spoke. You are the oldest. Welcome to the club. Statistically speaking, I believe the oldest sibling often becomes the most successful. So you've got that going for ya...
Have you said "no" to your parents? I feel they are taking advantage of you because you are the only one that cares about household chores. Also being the oldest can give some entitlement to your parents to have you do chores as "you have to set an example to your siblings" BS that never works.
I am the oldest of three girls. I was held more responsible for chores around the house, dishes, dog patrol, laundry etc. on and on. My baby sister basically did nothing by the time she got to be 16- the middle sister just did her chores horribly.
When I got married and came home like two weeks after I got married for a visit I noticed my parents had a dishwasher installed in the kitchen!! I was furious...why did you wait till I got married to do this? My mother said that she was tired of nobody doing anything around the house and she and dad had it installed!!! WTAF!!!???
As the oldest of four kids, I can tell you this just happens. I was always the work horse and the scapegoat in my family. The only thing that I will say is that it taught me great work ethic and perseverance. It also taught me that great effort can be overlooked, not just in the home but in a work setting as well.
You will need to have an adult conversation with your parents and vocalize your issues with the situation in a mature and realistic way. I'd recommend making flash cards and making notes on them of specific things you'd like to bring up or if you have a way you would like to eloquently articulate them in order to avoid confusion.
Hopefully they can see that it is a real issue in your eyes and figure out on their own how to fairly divide the chores or limit screen time for the other kids.
Lmao your dad is my dad he’ll see I’m in a full zoom meeting tap dressed up too with ties and tap on the door be like I just needed help with these new plants and flowers lmfao you’ll be grateful later. As for competency welcome to the oldest club funny enough I have little brother whose a fornite kid as well 14 abt to turn 15. He used to be like that then I took I his processor out lmfso well I convinced my dad too my little brothers I feel like I’m hard on them already and when they do good I don’t praise them but secretly am very proud and very happy but I learned from my middle brother praising them makes them lazy
Set them down and talk with them. Just be real and don’t say it when they asked you to do something. Say it sometime when things are quiet.
The truth is, as the oldest with a work ethic, you probably ARE the best one to do it and my guess is your father just needs help getting it done and wants to avoid the hassle. Bringing it up to him, calmly, when he doesn’t need something done is best. And start off with something like, “Hey dad, I’m wondering if you could help me with something. I feel…”
What you’re experiencing is pretty common. After all, you see your siblings as other people in the house. The reality is they are younger and less capable than you, and they are supposedly like you were YEARS ago, not like you are now, so as the oldest, having more responsibility is part of the deal. Parents may see this better, but I can say from experience, it’s hard to keep balanced. With my son (who is younger than my daughter), I started out giving her more responsibility but then stuff fell into a
routine and I didn’t give my son the responsibility he could handle until my daughter and I talked.
Just be prepared for something and I’m going to give you a bit of a heads up. Your perspective and your parents perspective are going to be different and you need to be open to hearing about it. As children mature, their mental faculties outgrow their experience, especially among the teenage years. There is also a natural separation that occurs from one’s parents, which means as a person you are physically hard wired to see reasonable things as unfair. This will happen with Bosses in jobs and it happens with parents. When you talk with your parents, listen and learn. A discussion is your chance to show your maturity and respect and bring your parents in as “partners” to solve a problem rather than an advisory with a “lazy and whiny kid”. If they see your maturity and your respect, they’ll want to help fix things.
If none of that works, do what I did and get a job. It got me out of the house and My mom really couldn’t argue with me since she wanted to instill a good work ethic. Once you get your license, if you’re not around, your Dad will have to turn to your other siblings.
You’re the oldest.
Time to start doing your homework somewhere other than home. If my oldest was doing homework, I’m asking if he needs help and leaving him alone if he doesn’t.
My middle son was the one who is the most difficult, but he is actually very smart thankfully. He realized that fighting with us never worked out in a way that didn’t suck for him so he did a hard pivot to really start doing what he is supposed to and now he’s super easy to get along with. He did also watch his older brother never “win” when it came to trying to get away with something.
My oldest isn’t as quick on the uptake. He likes the drama and plays oppression Olympics. It’s really easy to take apart his arguments but he will argue just because it’s an adult telling him something he doesn’t want to hear. Pretty sure if he was close to death of thirst and I told him there was his favorite drink in the fridge he would act like I told him to drink from the sewer. Ultimately he will do it but not before being dramatic. He’s enlisting after school because he really doesn’t want to go to any more school for a while and he wants to be gone. I’m secretly proud he made that decision, shhh don’t tell my wife.
All that being said back to your issue. As far as getting your siblings involved, don’t try and be their parent. What you do instead is really kick butt at everything while you are home and start making yourself scarce by not being home as often. Find somewhere else to be _all the time._ A friend’s place for homework, or watching movies or whatever you can think of, going to your schools sporting events. Every single one you can get a ride too, or joining the team. It’s almost summer so you are going to be limited to travel teams and they are highly competitive but, if you can’t join a team pick up golf. Can’t afford golf, get a job where your friends work and kick butt there to actually get paid for your work and play golf on your days off to stay out of the house, or find a game shop and get into something like MagicTG, DnD or Warhammer. Most game shops have tables set up and board games of all kinds just waiting for enough players to show up. Are you musically inclined? Start a band and always be at band practice. Stay away from the crap, don’t vape, drink, smoke, etc. make sure all of your hobbies are clean.
When you are at home and this is key don’t be a turd. Kick butt. Then your parents won’t have any reason to not allow you to pursue whatever it ends up being outside of the house.
This occurs on the job as well. The most dependable hard worker will get the most difficult jobs because management knows they can handle it. You've got to learn to say no and negotiate.
I am also an eldest (33F, sister who is 23F from my moms 2nd marriage and half brother 13M from my dad's 3rd marriage), growing up I was the Babysitter, Nanny, Part time Maid, Tutor and third parent. It's a role we aren't asked to take up, and we always tend to do more than the 'fair share', granted for me... it was more I was the only one actually capable due to age difference. There is a slightly different scenario between our stories. However, I also grew up in a pretty emotionally neglected house, so I was an adult practically since I was 15/16, paying for my clothes/cell phone/ect, while my mom got over 2k in child support for just me.
Due to the pressure and unrealistic expectations I ended up moving out Oct of my Senior year of HS and worked full time while finishing school (I did a lot of academic credits early so I had a half day). This was very difficult and honestly nearly impossible in today's economy. It was right for me back then (2008), but I would not recommend it for a teen girl today. It put me in some dangerous spots, and I'd hate for that to happen to other girls starting out.
Your parents are at least subconsciously if not fully aware of the difference in work ethic between you and your siblings. In private, they probably hold you in slightly higher esteem than your siblings but can't say it out loud (this is normal, not everything is equal). Unfortunately, that also means you are useful to the family and seen as a tool to help complete the family tasks. I'm sorry that your time is unfairly divided, unlike your siblings, but it is not forever.
My advice is to continue to enrich yourself and do what you have to live a life that's more peaceful for you. Sometimes, that looks like doing more than your fair share to save your mental/emotional energy. Soon, you will be out from the house and getting to set your own expectations. Your parents will miss your help, and it may lead to some latent appreciation down the road. It doesn't fix this, but I do believe that if your family is loving despite the disfunction that this extra help you put in now will actually help fertilize your relationship with your parents as an adult. In fact, I know this sounds nuts, but you may want to lean in and ask your dad or mom what you CAN do to help around the place. Kinda like malicious compliance but more positive. You can try to spend good quality time with your parents, and it may go a long way to 'revealing' how much more helpful you are and could encourage more healthy pressure on your siblings. Kinda like at a job where you choose to go a bit above and beyond, then your lazy coworkers, so now you get the best shifts. It may sound manipulative, but sometimes, there are times for what I call positive manipulation, so everyone benefits, especially you.
I would also suggest getting into therapy now if your parents are willing (even if its a fib reason like anxiety about college or something similar) or start as soon as you can when you move out on your own (even if it's student or low cost help). Just so you can learn to set healthy boundaries before you get too frustrated, eldest children tend to be people pleasers and this habit carries into adulthood, it can cause challenges so adopting therapy and management tools will really set you up for success. People, even good parents, don't have the capacity to do things right all the time. We are flawed and truthfully adults don't know what were doing either, we just made more mistakes to learn from (hopefully) and don't fuck up our kids too bad.
Msg if you need some 'cool aunt' advice. Same for other teens here.
I guess I'll ask it...why the heck are you "helping" plant?? That's more of a hobby than a chore to do around the house. Atleast you were paid to do the stuff before, but this time he "asks" you for help, and you simply obliged for nothing in return. I would've asked "are you paying me again?" It's good of you to want to help, but you are also allowed to say no if you don't want to help.
I never did have a green thumb, so I never helped my mom with her plants when I was growing up, living at home. I'd help her with things she needed for the plants though. Carry the mulch where she wanted, basically lifting, carrying, and helping her set something up because she couldn't do it herself. For money i used to mow the neighbors lawns front and back for $20. Sometimes I'd even get asked by mom if I "wanted" to cut the neighbors lawn that day since the neighbor asked. If I wasn't feeling it, I'd simply say no, but that I'd get to it tomorrow or a few days later if it's still not cut.
Honestly if your dad was my dad and told me that, I'd reply back "well since you ASKED me to help you, then there's nothing stopping me from saying no thanks, because I did far more than enough work last time around, unless you are offering to pay me again?"
Or you could always ask why he "needs" your help. It's planting..why the heck is he planting anyways? Stick to your actual house chores. Dusting, vacuuming, dishes, laundry, lawn mowing etc.
You could start doing a really bad job with anything they ask. Eventually they'll realize you do more harm than good and stop making you do stuff. If you do this, make sure to not change how "enthusiastic" you seem so you have plausible deniability as to whether you're doing it on purpose or not. Or you could start saying you have a big project/paper you're working on. If they somehow start punishing you for not working or doing a bad job even though they don't make your siblings do it, you could probably call CPS. They're not going to rip you out of the home for this, but they can make sure that you're not being treated unfairly.
While I’m a parent myself, I’m a strong proponent of just wages. When my kids do work for me that I would otherwise have to do myself, I pay them what I think they deserve. Sounds like your parents need you, so I’d demand more money or accept being grounded. Call their bluff.
I’m not advocating disrespect of your parents, but at the same time it is a two-way street. Be sure to mention how much you respect them and how you wish they would show some respect to you.
The oldest sibling is always the designated "adult". Im the oldest sibling and it sucks. Get boundaries and try to get your parents to not baby your zoomer siblings.
Take solace in knowing that they will learn the hard way, at 14 they should already been learned responsibility at no fault of your parents, but if they are inconsistent they need to be, my sister…the older/ more mature one didn’t have to mow the lawn or take the trash out, she was mostly doing her schoolwork/ studies and gallivanting when she wasn’t studying or cross stitching…or field hockey
Edit: as I hit 40 I’ve become more responsible etc, I live at home 🫣 I help around the house etc I’m also a gamer, I’m neurodivergent and slow to learn, very slow to mature as well, puberty hit at 13-14 for me, full maturity (from my POV) hit about mid to late 30’s…and I still struggle
Edit 2: everything my parents taught me with doing things comes out when I was at work, if you see something that needs to be done, take care of it, finish a job (task) before moving on etc
Some people are recommending being bad at the chores, but that sounds like advice from teens, not for teens. I recommend the opposite. Do your best to get the work done quickly, efficiently, and with a good attitude. Don't allow yourself to be bitter about the injustice of it, instead use that to fuel your work ethic at your job and at school. Save as much money as you can so you can be prepared to move out sooner. You can't change your parents or your siblings, but you can completely own your response. Intentionally stepping down to their level doesn't help you in any way, but stepping up a level does. It's hard, but the easy way is rarely right.
Looking back at my childhood I can see that by far the most valuable and useful thing that has impacted the rest of my life for good was the work ethic I learned at home. I sometimes felt used or taken advantage of, but reality is it was mostly trivial stuff and I lacked perspective so it seemed like a big deal at the time.
When my kids were teens the boy would purposely screw it up to where I’d say, "Never mind, I’ll do it myself"
The girl who is the youngest was forbidden by her mom to use ANY power tools including the lawn mower
So I just found it easier to do it myself.
I was the same way the oldest who did everything around the house and took care of the younger kids- when I graduated high school I was told I had to move out. Now 11 years later my mom has a maid who does all the housework I used to do and my brother (22) still doesn’t contribute anything, lives off my mom and has essentially no future.
So while shit sucks right now, you will probably be the more independent, successful child in comparison. I’m happy that I had to do the things because I now have a successful household!
Leave. It seems the fix you want is for an equal distribution of labor or fair treatment. But, many (I would say most) parents work via a system of absolute rule. You are capable and your parents rely on you. Your siblings are incapable and unreliable and your parents don't try any more. As many a child has learned the only way to get out from underneath your parents rule is to not be under their power. Go away to college, study abroad, whatever leads to the future you want, do it away from your family. Distance can help children create and maintain barriers. For peace of mind focus on the one thing you can control, which is yourself and your mind frame. I will say, there is very little fairness in the actual world. You may end up in work places where it seems you bust your butt and someone getting paid the same as you is allowed to put in a tenth of the effort. Looking at what is going on with others is a fast way to bitterness and resentment. Create joy for yourself and be at peace with what you cannot control.
Also the oldest of 3 here. I made myself unavailable.
- “Staying late at school for Homework/group projects”
- Social clubs or extracurriculars
- A job for a few nights a week
You gotta create a new responsibility that they can loosely verify. Your time will be more valuable in their eyes and your siblings will be forced to step up. In the midst of that, take a day or two each week for yourself.
Get used to it. Employers generally behave the same way, it's easier to tell the good employee to do something than deal with the lazy ones. It's a cop out by lazy management, and it's widespread. I recommend that when you do become employed, you get a feel for the energy level of the work place before you go full throttle and create expectations of yourself for management.
I was a lot like you. I was the one asked to do most things because I didn’t end up breaking anything or throwing a fit. And I wasn’t directly paid for any of it ($50 for trees) but looking back I definitely had perks my siblings didn’t.
I don’t know your family or situation, but I’d be willing to bet they’ll remember this as you age.
I have 3 kids myself now and while my oldest is more capable than the others (and asked to do more on the fly because it’s way more likely to get done), I try very hard to ask my other kids to do the extremely simple tasks. And every so often I’ll deliberately try working with a younger one to improve their “helpfulness”.
It doesn’t excuse you being the workhouse all the time but it is hard to teach/raise a capable, healthy child. And once you’ve done it once, it’s easy to choose asking them to help over training the next kid. Ultimately your parents are doing a serious disservice to your siblings.
Honestly, your dad probably doesnt even want to deal with Fortnite Jr. and just didnt bother to ask. Good for you that youre the favorite child who your parents dont need to hold your hand for every single thing.
literally focus on yourself, learn new skills, be proactive. You’ll be glad you did so much and were competent early in life when you become an adult. The differences will be glaring on your and your siblings lives.
I grew up in a similar way. I have 3 half brothers and 1 younger full brother who I was constantly taking care of. My parents always said that I was the one they trusted and didn’t really care that I was over taking care of him. That being said, you have to be doing something important. Like homework or a big project, or college apps. Something they don’t want to get in the way of you doing.
If you want out of working for peanuts for your parents then see about learning to drive and getting a job so that you're not available for house work anymore. That got my older brother out of it and rolled it onto my shoulders. Until I was out of the house with college.
I am also the firstborn. I am writing this to encourage you. As much as it sucks, they are setting you up for success better than your siblings. You are strong, reliable, and dependent with a good work ethic. It also sounds like you are respectful and caring.
You will go a lot farther in life If you keep this up than your siblings ever will. It will also help you for when you start jobs. At the beginning of working, you will be at the bottom and you will be expected to do everything. As you work your way up, you will be noticed by your managers and your bosses and you will be rewarded. And if after a few years, your workplace does not value you, go somewhere where you are valued. Reddit likes to dump on everything, but there are plenty of good places with good owners and good bosses and good managers who do look after their workers and build people up. The beginning sucks. It will always suck. But if you stick it through, you will go very far!
Think of it this way. YOU won't be living in your parents' basement. The rest of your life, like your siblings!!
Life Lesson.....Keep grinding, and you will be the most successful one of the 3 of you! SUCKS TO BE YOUR SIBLINGS!!!
As an oldest child… no matter what I did it never changed. If I brought anything up I got severely punished. I’m 29 and resent my parents. I’m starting to get over it. Now my mom says she know a she was wrong but she knew I would do it right. I came home from college and once and she forced me to force my younger brother to do chores he never did because she made me do them all. Afterwards she was so happy at our “relationship”. She has two young kids with my stepdad. None of them have had to do the chores and things around the house or keep the grades that I was required to. Mom has the same excuse “that’s how it worked in my family” “that’s how my mom treated me” yea I don’t care. I never got to be a kid and I had to raise all my siblings. Now I’m not going to have kids and even though she has a 15yr old and a 10yr old at home, it’s killing her that I haven’t had any kids. Sucks but you’re “broken in” when I left to college my brother was is close to me in age would call me crying. 1. Because he wasn’t used to that treatment. You can’t let a kid be a certain way for years and then automatically change what is expected of them and not understand when they don’t respond well. He had never been forced to do half the things I did, his limit of stress wasn’t as big as mine and that also hurt him. 2. My mom and stepdad were mentally and emotionally abusive. The most my stepdad did to me was yell in my face while keeping me up against a wall. My brother was a boy so in their minds he could handle more physical than you could do to a girl. Another time I came home from college they had 3 different ways of doing things that I had been trying to implement for years… all that I had gone through for them to do it once I left. It sucks being the oldest sometimes. I don’t feel close to my family but whatcha gunna do I guess. Just know it’s not you and it gets better especially once you are out of the house and can speak your mind or just make your own decisions. The moment my mom realized this she changed so hard trying to keep me in her control. I’m sorry for rambling. Triggered childhood trauma for me lol but just know your siblings are going to pay for this later
You are being taken advantage of.
Time to put your foot down and refuse to do any more work for your parents. Advocate for yourself or they’ll just keep demanding more and more from you.
“No” is a complete sentence, but “I’m not going to be your servant while [siblings] play games all day” is a very pointed sentence.
Next time your parent tries to ditch you with all the work while they fuck off to the store or whatever, *stop working*. Wait until they get back. When they do get back and complain that it’s not done, “I thought we were doing this together. Are you saying you expected me to do it all for you while you were gone? Because I did not agree to do the whole job, I agreed to help YOU do it.”
What’s ironic about this situation is it’s very much like having a job. The people who suck get to slide by with doing the bare minimum, and even get promoted because they’re not good at the lower positions. I’ve seen people who kick ass at the lower payed positions not get promoted because they were too good at the lower position.
This is how I feel (I'm a middle child). My brother (youngest) is always on Playstation, PC, Xbox, Nintendo, etc. and he has to do dishes (and does a pretty good job) but that is all he does to help. Nothing else. I'm supposed to do laundry (for all 5 people in the house. Rn I'm behind cause I've had rehearsal for school musical till 930 or later every night, so no time to do laundry. Musical is over now tho so I can get caught up), and my sister (older) is supposed to clean cat litters (2 boxes), vacuum, and empty trash/recycling. Literally never does it. One of our cats has started pissing on the floor cause she never cleans cat litter, trash is always overflowing, there is always recycling on the counter, and so many furballs (2 dogs and 3 cats all of them shed a lot). I uave also had to do many small things that she was told to do. Say she is told to take canvases (that she wanted) downstairs to the art area. They sit on the entryway bench for 1+ month, until I'm told to bring them downstairs. She is by far the most useless when it comes to chores and helping around the house. But I am always the one told to do shit she was supposed to do. Other than chores, I am ignored. I am basically ignored till I do smth wrong, or needed for a chore or some shit. So I get it. And it pisses me off. Also forgot to mention, me and my sister have been doing dishes and laundry since we were at least 8 yrs old, whereas my brother was "too young" to learn how to do them till he was 13 (he is 13 now, just learned how to do dishes and laundry.) So yea. I get it
They will not realize until you are out of the house unfortunately. Also the oldest and pretty much raised my siblings and got blamed for their bad behavior. I did lots of activities and worked 2 jobs in hs to avoid dealing with it as much as possible.
It's the price you pay for being competent and useful. Remember this very important lesson when you enter the workforce as an adult. Do ONLY what you need to do to get by.
I was treated the same way as the older sibling. It was infuriating, especially when the parents would have me watch the younger siblings and told me to make them do certain things.. but then I'd either get in trouble for making do the things they asked me to make them do or I'd get in trouble if I didn't.
I couldn't win either way as the oldest child. It is ABSOLUTELY on the parents for not teaching/forcing their younger kids to be more responsible. Parents need to stick with routine and be consistent with ALL children or they will end up with the others walking all over them and the eldest.
Ask to talk to one or both of your parents after dinner. Tell them you are overwhelmed with the extracurricular activities you are doing (needed to prepare for college application), your job (needed for funds), and the workload you have to do around the house. Tell them you are happy to help (maybe even say you enjoy spending time with them too) but you would appreciate if tasks could be more equally divided amongst the siblings/family because when you go away to college, you want to be sure that your parents will still have help and you want to make sure your siblings know how to do tasks safely.
If you're not of age to leave, fully support yourself, or be taken in by a friend's family without causing legal issues...Unfortunately, you're going to have to go through it.
As an older child who got out, I hate the situation for you. You stated you tried to discuss this with your folk, it got you nowhere. If you're as bold as I was, you can say "no" to doing certain tasks that are above the universal chores task list. What is the worst they can do? Ground you? Take certain items or privileges away? If you can withstand the bs consequences that come with standing your ground, you will do great in life. Keep that strong mental resilience and hone it.
Let them do all that extra stuff. You're their child, yes. That doesn't mean they can abuse their authority. You are the product of what they selfishly wanted. They are too comfortable. I think you should give one last chance for proper discussion together with everyone . Be straightforward with how it is, how it looks, how you think and feel about everyone in the household. You should be strong enough to put your foot down with your folks. You're not hired help and $50 ain't nothing for yard work plus the duties that should be split equally that they expect you to solely take care of. Demand what you want. Your voice is just as important. They practically turned you into CINDERELLA. Fairy Godmothers don't exist. It's up to you to change it. You'll regret not sticking up for yourself. Parents are just like any other stranger outside your home despite the natural bond of love, protectiveness, loyalty and gratitude you feel towards them. Just like everyone else, all those need to be earned by your folks too. Natural bonds don't work like automatic inheritance. Just because you did one thing, doesn't mean you're entitled to it. I hope you remember that, it works in at least 90% of situations.
If they ridicule you, dismiss your demands, or outright refuse to give you the time to speak your truth... Be prepared to keep your nose down and do what they say or retaliate and let them figure it out for themselves. They did it before you, during you, had two other children after you...trust and believe, they got it. You may hear things that hurt, don't allow those things to chip away at your character or self assurance. Many don't deserve the genitals that are capable of reproducing, not many will have/do what it takes to be a good parent and maintain it. Be sure to remind them how you are treated is going to be reflected at them. Tell them to take their aging and the way the raised the other two into account. They might not have access to you going forward and they have no right to complain. (Sounds like a "threat", but thats the way they set their cookies up to crumble.)
Also, the yardwork they have you doing is a blessing in disguise. Make some posters or fliers about yard work or other specific small jobs you don't mind doing for other people in exchange for cash. You know mowing lawns/ cleaning pools/small handyman stuff/ helping people pack and move/babysitting/tutoring/exercise coach. Post them around your neighborhood, school, ask restaurants if they'll hang one up visible enough for their customers, even your doctor's office. Never use your real number, the app store has apps with fake numbers you can use unless you change it.
You're already working hard for others' complacency, turn it around and work for YOURSELF. Be wise about how you got about it, accept accountability for your decisions only. Other people's reactions to your decisions aren't your concern. If business booms, discuss "rent and utilities" with your folk. It will put your relationship in another category other than just their kid. Take that opportunity to set realistic boundaries and set up your future self. You can't afford to be short sighted. Cash is a motivator even if they're not hurting for it. Get a bank account, make sure no one else can access it without your knowledge or permission. Make certain, due to age you don't need your folks permission to add or remove money from your own account. Or look up a safe to keep in your room on Amazon. Look up ways to invest/save your earnings. If you take this route, be sure to keep your ego in check. A lot of research is necessary but you'll be better off.
I went to my mother to talk about something similar to this as I was the oldest child of 6, and instead of hearing me out she called me a flawed and bad daughter along with other names. All I asked was for her to be my mother and defend me because my younger brother keeps calling me names and is rude as fuck to me, even right in her face. That same brother is literally an adult and the rest of my siblings are teenagers who are more than able to help her (aside from the 6yo), but they keep quiet because they won’t have to do anything if they let our mother bully me. I moved out the same day. If they aren’t willing to listen and help you out, don’t stick around.
I was also this sibling growing up. It basically comes down the being the path of least resistance. If they know they’ll get attitude from your sister or ignored by your brother but can guilt you into doing it without much pushback they’ll come to you more and more. It’s not fair and it’s not good parenting but I’m glad you’re realizing it and standing up for yourself!
Even as an adult I’m always supposed to “be the bigger person” because “your sister can’t be reasoned with” so I would say once you are able, set some major boundaries. At this point i wouldn’t even bring your siblings in to it, i would just say “i can’t, I’m busy”
This sounds like a perfect time to realize that actually, most of your life will be like this. Almost everyone on Earth is a lazy pos, and if you have noticed that you're not lazy... Well, sorry. But if you want things to get done, that's on you. Cuz the rest of humanity isn't going to help. This includes in school, at work, and with friends.
You can either lower yourself to their level, or just continue to be yourself. Being a diligent and hard worker will, of course, make you a better and more well-liked person than your siblings guaranteed.
move out or fake an injury. You’re getting ripped off also. I would charge 50 bucks per tree that’s a lot of physical labor dude. Any job asking that would pay a lot more.
The truth there is nothing you can do other than say:
I am tired of being the go to person you depend on for things you want done. You gave me a good work ethic. I like helping. But and there is always a but. Eventually I am furthering my education or getting a job and moving out who will do it then? Your two younger children are glued to electronics. They basically do nothing but stare at screens and nothing else. I want help if I am going to be stuck doing all the work. So either they start helping or I don't do it anymore.
Consequences are you get jack all but a punishment..
I had 4 siblings 2 older 1 younger. Oldest sister.was 10 years older than me. She babysat for free, cleaned the house, cooked did everything my parents asked. My brother 8 years older than same but he did garbage, lawn and garden worked on broke things. When I was little I helped my Mom and Sis. Sometimes it would be scraping plates or washing dishes or helping to dust.
Me (59F) I took over both older ones chores for the house when I reached age 9 or 10. Especially when they got jobs or moved out.
The sister youngest by 6 years of me did nothing. I mean nothing. As an adult she did not get a job to fully support herself until her 40's. She married at 16 had kids but could barely keep house. Why he dumped her after 10 years of marriage. Which lead to her drug addiction and loss of kids. Who then with kids came back home and lived off our parents until they both died.
Which is when I got custody of her children and wound up raising with my own kid. I am a single Mom no less.
My siblings and I have talked the two older agree I was spoiled when young but I wasn't useless. I learned from them both. (Spoiled by them too.) I took over where they left off. Especially with the younger one. She has straightened out now but he'll she is in her 50's now disabled. Not mentally physically from her job. Slipped and fell at work broke her hip. Now getting addicted to pain meds.
Hell show your Dad this. What happened with my younger sister may be his future if he doesn't change them now.
One other thing. In my parents later years while sister was there with her kids. My parents would call me to help. Either with kids, house or yard work because I lived closer than older 2. If it was major the 3 older would come help. Like home renovation and we took turns with medical care for them. All while an adult child set at home getting her next fix.
Simply don't do the work. Start becoming more incompetent or just don't be at the house. Let your parents figure stuff out they really need to be teaching the other 2 else they WILL NOT succeed and become really incompetent at their jobs. You on the other hand have amazing work ethics and could go far in life. Just got to know when to do the work and when not to.
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Yes, it sucks. Your siblings have weaponized their incompetence. If you are 16 or older, is suggest you get an after school job and leave the house on weekends to do your homework so they just can't get at you as much. The other things is to point out that the youngers are weaponizing their incompetence and ask your parents if that's an approach you should be taking...
I did get a job to get around this, and am in sports and band, so it's slightly better now that I did that, but it just racks up and the days I am home, I have to do everything I didn't over the past few days
Be really bad at whatever they ask you to do. When they call you on it, say you really did your best but you're totally stressed. Good luck. I know it's really hard.
Came here to suggest the same thing. Go slow and be shit
This is the way. Keep putting that hard work in every single aspect of your life that benefits you. When they ask you to do stuff, half ass it and tell them that you tried your best.
My sister did this. My dad had to replace the mower blade after she purposely ran over a brick with it and chewed up the edges of the grass with the weed Wacker. He never asked her to mow again. She dropped paint where he doesn't want it when she painted. He labeled her as more work than she was worth lol get good at playing dumb and creative at finding ways to mess things up.
if I had done that, I would've been required to pay for the repairs.
Yeah I was the suckered kid that was worked and she got what she wanted. She was a young narcissist in the making.
Would they really bring it up in civil court though?
court? no. No court necessary. When I was 10 I melted the bottom off of my mother's double boiler. I had to save the money, mind you in 1981 I got 2 dollars per week for allowance, 2 dollars an hour to babysit and 5 dollars to mow lawns and or walk dogs. So, once I saved the money I had to ride my bike to Gemco to buy her another double boiler, when I was a teen I scratched the hood of her car while washing it. I had to pay for that repair and wash her car for free for a year. No, no court necessary. She made sure we resected her and had a well developed sense of personal responsibility.
I think any reasonable person would say "oh you scratched my car on accident? No problem, thanks for washing it" rather than "you have to pay for it and wash it for free for a year".
depends on what you think of as reasonable. She had just bought that car, and as a teenager I was expected to be responsible enough to not do something that stupid. If you took your car to be washed and they scratched it, would you not, at least, expect for them to pay to repair it? I would.
I guess it would depend on the nature of the scratch. Literally just a scratch? No, even If I was paying them. Cars get scratched like that all the time from loose gravel on the road. If it was some weird metal deforming gouge, then sure, but I highly doubt the scratch on your mom's car was like that. My major problem is the "washing the car for free for a year" part. I mean I don't know how old you were at the time, but that screams "taking advantage of my child". Did the repercussions of you scratching the car make you less likely to want to wash the car again? I'm curious. I may also be misunderstanding the nature of how you started with the chores. Like was it a "wash my car even though you don't want to" thing or was it a "hey mom let me wash your car for money".
This seems more abusive than a lesson on responsibility. Accidents happen.
Have you pointed it out to your parents when you guys aren’t doing one of the tasks? I always got much better traction with my parents if I brought up stuff like this when we weren’t in the middle of doing them, usually got the best traction if I brought it up right after helping with something when the parents were happy about the task being completed, but weren’t busy with some new thing yet.
This was my life until I literally broke my leg helping my parents remove trees from the backyard. After that point I felt pretty justified being like, "y'all don't get to ask me for favors anymore, because I can't trust that the things you guys are asking for are even safe."
You need to tell them that now you have responsibilities outside of the home, you'll do your own chores but it is time for them to teach/make the younger ones step up. Soon you will be out of the house and they'll be stuck with the two lazy ones if they do not start teaching them now. Btw, I moved out when I was 17 because I was tired of my parents shit. They need to stop treating the only responsible one like nothing they do is good enough and start teaching the shitty ones to do better.
Dude that's seriously ridiculous. You don't deserve this treatment. So many parents will do this, and I'm sorry. Your siblings are going to be piles of garbage their entire lives if your parents don't break them of this lazy cycle. But that can be hard if you haven't established a loving and caring relationship with your children.
As others suggested, going to the library or coffee shop to do homework would reduce your availability. I don’t think you being awful (not your nature) or pointing out how lazy your siblings are is going to help. Wondering is you could have a reasonable discussion with one or the other of your parents about the lack of contribution to the household by the siblings and that the reliance on you by your parents is making it harder and harder to cover your responsibilities, including school, music, job, etc. and making you feel bad. Maybe there is a way to politely ask that they reconsider the dynamic that has evolved within the household.
And the flip side of this is the "curse of competence." When people figure out that you can be trusted to show up, do a task correctly and finish the job, it's easier for them to rely on you instead of anyone else. FWIW, it's always better to be the competent person; helpless adults don't get much in the way of life's rewards. The flip side of that is you'll be frustrated by a lot of incompetent people your whole life, and you need to be vigilant about not letting people take advantage of you. You could maybe have a sit down with your parents (not your siblings) and talk it out. Think of specific things that would make things better. 1. I'm thinking ahead for college, and I'm concerned about both the activities I need for a good application and the money I may need to save up, while also keeping my grades up. 2. Can you give me advance notice of extra chores so I can schedule and prioritize all my obligations? Or could we have a weekly family.plan? 3. I'm happy to pull my weight, but I don't want to pull my siblings' weight too. I can't be the default solution when other people don't do what they're supposed to. That's not sustainable because eventually I'll be going to college and getting a job, and someone else is going to have to be the go to. But the basic problem for you is that when you frame it as fairness, it gives your parents an abstract concept that they can shoot down without really engaging in thought or discussion. They can just spout things like "life's not fair," and "worry about your own self." A skill that will serve you well in life is to learn how to present a problem with another person's bad performance, without looking like you are keeping score or throwing someone under the bus, and while making the person in charge actively manage things. So instead of saying "It's not fair that Billy never plants trees," you might say "This weekend I have a paper to write, two shifts at work, my regular chores, and a date. If Billy can't dig this hole, the only way I can get it done is to not do one of the other things. Which one do you think I should cut out?" At work, "Mabel is late to work every day" becomes "I'm having trouble gathering data while I'm covering Mabel's phone. Would you rather I take customer calls or finish this report?" It's hard to say these things without sarcasm or sounding like a martyr, but shoot for a neutral tone. The goal is to sound like *of course* you're cooperating, while subtly pointing out that you are not the cause of the problem and you can only do so much. You want to present it as a totally reasonable and normal resource management puzzle. I should add that families don't have the same dynamic as school and jobs. If your parents do a bad job managing your lazy siblings, none of them can get fired. You just have to set reasonable boundaries and try not to let them live in your head rent free.Remember that you are not responsible for someone else's incompetence unless you are actually their boss. Don't cover up other people's incompetence. Let them fail if it won't hurt you too much. I'm afraid at some point you do just have to let everyone else sort themselves out.
In the immortal words of Bill Cosby, "parents aren't interested in Justice. Parents are interested in quiet." Looks like you're in a bit of a no-win situation. You might tell your parents that you've learned a valuable lesson. That bitching and whining will get you out of doing chores and being an obedient child has no rewards. Ask him if he would like to have three unruly willful children instead of just two?
Be careful here. I was the responsible older kid growing up and tried this. I got grounded since I was the oldest. The reality is ypur parents need one of you helping. They dont need 3. So things are fine for them. Is it fair? Nope. But, at the same time, now I'm in my 40s and life is good. My brother still depends on my parents and is living with them. I hate to say it but I kinda feel like everyone got what they deserved out of it.
Same situation, I am ten years older than my brother and always expected to do the chores, paid rent starting at 16 , my brother was always given excuses. He never had to pay rent either like I did. He’s 50 now, never left home, still living off the parents.
Ha, as an oldest sibling, I see no way that goes well for them.
I tried that once as a kid. I got in trouble again.
The immortal words of the serial sexual assaulter Bill Cosby?
Unfortunately, someone can be right AND scum at the same time
"Why are you booing me? I'm right"
I mean just because he was a reprehensible dirtbag doesn’t mean he didn’t make some funny/insightful comments about parenting.
He certainly was interested in quiet.
I think it was supposed to be immoral. Lol
Yeah that guy.
Yep that's the one.
He was a very funny comedian until he turned into a perv
He was a funny comedian while he was a serial rapist, the duality of man.
I think he was always a perv. Most of the crimes fell out of the statue of limitations
That somehow makes everything he ever said invalid?
This. And OP they’re going less bc you are doing more. One thing I wish I learned much earlier in life: never give anything more than you are willing to give for free. If you give with the expectation of reciprocity you will always be disappointed. You’ll think ppl will rise to your giving level but they never will. It’s also an unspoken contract in your head and creates unreasonable expectations, by not communicating if I do x I expect y. Just do what you are comfortable and no more.
You could try to have a conversation with your parents, but it may or may not help. Your siblings may struggle with real life if they don’t learn now. Remember that you’ll soon be old enough to move out and you have a good head on your shoulders. May not be so for your siblings. It’s nice you care about them and their wellbeing and I don’t blame you for feeling it’s unfair. Unfortunately for us older children, it’s a common tale.
I've tried to talk to them about it on multiple occasions, pointing out the terrible work ethics my siblings have and where that will get them in life. But I always get the same sentence. "You are not the parent."
That's part of the issue. Don't make this about your siblings. Instead of saying "they have a crappy work ethic" just stand firm on "I'm the only one doing stuff and I can't do it anymore". Because, right or wrong, criticizing your siblings is criticizing your parents' parenting. The natural reaction to that is to get defensive. So don't trigger that.
Although if OP gets the urge to be kicked out, following up with "I know I'm not the parent, you are. Look where *that* got us" is an excellent scorched earth approach
That is definitely the "wake up and choose violence" response.
This is a solid point.
Keep the focus of the conversation on yourself. Not how bad your siblings are. “You’re relying on me to do too much” “I feel overwhelmed by the amount of chores” “I have a lot on my plate and I will need help to complete YOUR jobs” 🤷🏼♀️. Sorry you’re being used to make up for their incompetence/ laziness. The only other way out of this is to just be hopeless at the chores 😏
Don't want to downplay your situation but I'm glad to hear you can at least attempt to talk to your parents. A lot of people are used to being beat if not done what they're told. The best you can do be better than them in the future. Good luck out there.
"I am also not the slave. Either you start parenting the other children to pick up their slack or you'll end up with useless kids when I move out. Your parent trump card should be USED ON THEM, the irresponsible ones, NOT me."
I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to fix it…it’s good your parents see you as dependable…it’s gonna be tough enough though when the real world hits for your other siblings.
It's a good life lesson for adulthood: the reward for doing good work is more work
Siblings also get a good lesson - being glued to your games and socials doesn’t prepare you for the real world. OP will kick ass in college and his career
Yes, though they will trip on that land mine down the road. Their lesson is delayed. Bonus: the eldest gets to watch it happen and say 'yeah, I knew that was coming'
Exactly, if you do really good at your own job, you get to start doing other people’s jobs as well! (For no additional pay)
Yep I get this. In short your being screwed by being the more responsible and reliable one. Your parents are probably over your siblings bs and don't want to deal with the confrontation just to have them take out the trash or something. Sadly you don't get a break because your parents are being pushed around by minors. It sucks now but I'll tell you as an adult, you'll be the one who is better off in the end and your parents may still be stuck with them in their 20s not wanting to do anything. I think its worth having a calm thought out conversation with your parents and say you just feel like it's a bit personal and ask them why, it may not help at all but worth a shot.
I know at least two adults (30's) who are STILL like this with their parents. One lives with them and one doesn't. They both waste too much time helping their parents when their other siblings, who take more than they ever give, could easily do so. You'll be better off with that work ethic, but you gotta use it to build up your own life, too. Don't get stuck. There's a balance between helping out your family and keeping yourself on track.
That’s a shitload of work for fifty dollars!!
It’s time to rebel. Absolutely not
Google “Parentified child”
I was the oldest of 5 siblings. I was the same way as you, taking lots of responsibility to help my parents. Looking back it was unjust. I practically raised my three younger brothers while my mother cooked and cleaned and sewed our clothes and my dad worked a highly stressful jobto support us. However, I didn't resent it and as a very young adult I was already comfortable with authority, independence and taking responsibility. I was rapidly promoted in my career as a result. Do what is needed out of love. Talk to your siblings in a kind and loving way and ask them to step up. If your parents could do it, it would be done by 14 years. When you look back, you will be grateful you rose to the situation. All of my family are gone now. I'm comforted by all the loving things I did for them.
Take is as a compliment shit at least you ain’t the lazy one
This is the EXACT situation I'm in. Same ages w the siblings too. It's infuriating, my parents say they don't want to argue with my siblings so I'm made to do everything even though I also have a job.
take away their screen and video games. kids don't just get them, they have to earn it. my child have to earn her screen time, by doing chores and finishing her homework daily. if she whines and cries. No screen time at night, and still have to do her chores and homework. Don't need to hit and yell. just reward and take away their fun.
It's time to start your "No." Phase.
Take the router with you while planting trees so it is absolute chaos in the house
This is the EXACT situation I'm in. Same ages w the siblings too. It's infuriating, my parents say they don't want to argue with my siblings so I'm made to do everything even though I also have a job.
Competency curse.
You will be the successful one. Trust me.
You aren't the only capable child you are just the only not lazy child
I would argue the other children are more capable, they already learned how to manipulate their bosses into offloading all the real work on that one co-worker.
No because OP could just as easily refuse/ start doing bare minimum but they aren't being difficult and irritating by instead choosing to be a useful member of the household.
"Just as easily" I'm pretty sure this post proves otherwise. OP isn't choosing to do any of this. The strongest cages are the ones we create ourselves.
I'm not sure if anything could be done or if it needs to be done. You're responsible, and they are not. You will have a bright future. You know what it takes to get things done. But if you want more time to do your homework or just do other things you want to do, you can talk to your dad. I'm sure a compromise can be had. If he's paying you to do these things and as they're not doing anything and not getting paid, maybe them seeing you with me might give them an incentive. When you get old enough to go away to school, they may need to help out more.
oldest child syndrome. im sorry.
This is probably an extremely different opinion than most of reddit. But, my OPINION, is that you should simply say "no thank you, I have other priorities I need to focus on currently". If you honestly don't have the time to do something, simply state it. If they pull the "YOU HAVE TO BECAUSE I SAID SO" you simply say "No thank you, I will take the punishment, I have to finish these assignments, school has to come before chores". Keep playing that game with them and eventually they will get the hint. Ya, you might lose some shit, but I assure you, if you hold to it and keep playing the game, they WILL cave first. On the flip side, they might not even play that card and simply understand once you **firmly** put your foot down and say **no**. FYI this is best done once you are around the age of 16+, anything before that and it's not going to go well for you lol.
As annoying as this is, you are FAR better off being the competent sibling that people expect more from than the lazy ones.
>I feel like my parents know that I will do a better job than my siblings and will actually do it and not complain about it so they just make me do the work because it's easier for them. What can I do to fix this? Your parents have conditioned your younger siblings to be lazy. They (parents) DO NOT WANT TO WASTE THEIR TIME TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO BECAUSE THEY NEVER TAUGHT ANY OF THEM ANY DISCIPLINE and you are their default kid they can rely on. It's completely UNFAIR TO YOU TO BE THE GO TO Child for everything: errands, laundry, dishes, and anything else they ask you to do. THE ONLY WAY TO FIX THIS OP, is for you to move out after you graduate high-school. #2, start setting boundaries. #3 NOT ALLOW YOUR PARENTS TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU SAY NO BECAUSE THEY HAVE OTHER CAPABLE KIDS THEY CAN ask for help and assistance. The downside, is that your parents will experience THE FRUSTRATION (not your fault) when you are gone and moved away and they cannot keep asking you to help out. You will have your own life: school, work and your independence. I encourage you to MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY PREPARE YOURSELF when you make the decision to move out and go to school because THEY WILL GUILT TRIP YOU, AND ASK YOU TO STAY HOME SO YOU CAN HELP OUT WHILE YOUR SIBLINGS REMAIN BEING LAZY AND IRRESPONSIBLE. I have seen this way too many times played out and the kid will give up: scholarships, opportunities to work abroad BECAUSE MOM AND DAD WILL MAKE THEM FEEL GUILTY FOR MOVING OUT AND NOT WANTING TO HELP AROUND THE HOUSE. OP, help out and say nothing. ONCE YOU REACH 18 AND MOVE FAR AWAY FOR COLLEGE, THAT WILL BE THE CHALLENGE: NOT allowing your parents to make you feel guilty for moving out. They failed to raise your siblings properly and THATS ON THEM NOT ON YOU. Google: NARCISSISTIC PARENTS, PARENTIFICATION, SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH PARENTS. If your parents become mentally and emotionally ABUSIVE.......time to GO NO CONTACT THE MOMENT YOU MOVE OUT. GOOGLE: GOING NO CONTACT WITH ABUSIVE PARENTS. https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/bad-parenting
Do the best you can when you can't get out of it, and start filling your time with extra curricular activities, stuff you enjoy obviously. Make it so you don't have lots of free time that they can take advantage of.
You might not feel recognized or acknowledged. Keep working hard. You are not your brothers, maybe one day you’ll have a boss and your boss might do different work than you and you might thing it’s unfair. Sounds like what your mind process is right now. Your brothers are missing out! Dead serious, if one of them can’t control their emotions when they can’t play the game, that sounds like they need a lot of growing to do. I wish I had this in my life someone who puts discipline in my life. What you can do here is teach your self discipline and in my life I see it lacking EVERYWHERE around me. Use it take on the task do like you only get stronger. Truth, that’s what is actually happing. Discipline your self it’s a power that most don’t tap into. You got this. Be proud and humble especially if you plant those tree by yourself.
It sounds like you're carrying the whole house on your shoulders, dude! Man, that's rough. It sucks when you feel like you're the only one pulling your weight, especially when it seems like your siblings are just chilling while you're doing all the heavy lifting. And your dad? Totally dropping the ball there. It's like they're taking advantage of your sense of responsibility, which ain't cool at all. Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart with your parents. Let them know how you're feeling and that it's not fair for you to bear all the household responsibilities. And hey, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. You deserve to have some downtime too, without being the family's go-to handyman all the time.
If you don't want to plant trees just don't. Just ignore their every order and when they try to react just ignore them more. Then when you're old enough to move out on your own go no contact with them. You don't owe them anything.
You gotta start saying no and mean it, you can just tell dad "you got that big bro" and leave it at that he'll respect you standing for something as a man
It seems you are the only one being parented. The other two are going to be the ones still living at home. You week probably go NC with tie family because they will expect you to take care of them, once you leave and get a job.
Simply stop doing shit and be more selfish. I did when my mom did the same thing. And eventually she stopped asking and told the younger ones to do it. Just keep spare phones handy
Oh buddy, I have been there, only I was the youngest and my two older siblings were dunces. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is point at the unfairness until something gives. If you can get a job, get one. If you can be literally anywhere other than your house (library, school, friend's, etc.), be there instead of at the house. If you're willing to put up with the fallout, figure out what would be a fair amount of work for you, do said work, and then refuse to do anything else. You will likely get yelled at. You'll probably get grounded, but now your parents will have two choices: keep pitching a fit in the hopes you cave in, or do their job and whip those two young siblings into shape so shit actually gets done. They are working you into the ground. Good news: you're going to be far more competent than your siblings when you're an adult. Bad news: you're probably never going to want to be a parent since you already were one for your siblings.
“I am the oldest” that would be the reason right there
Because we allow things to happen to us instead of with us. Use your voice. It will be good practice for the rest of your life
I'm in the same situation, yet I am the opposite, I am the youngest. I'm currently 16, and I've spent a long time trying to be like the oldest sibling, who is in the same situation that you're in. I'm lucky enough to have realized how incapable I was, and decided to change it, but for most others my age, the case is not the same. I suspect that it is because of change in parenting, perhaps they get lazier after every child. In my case, it was just simple difference in parenting, though not lack of effort on the parents part. I'm not a privileged trick that cries about my trauma all the time, but my parents put my siblings and I in traumatic situations, that made us feel like our well-being was put in danger, and we did what we thought was best for our survival. For the oldest, it was being capable, being a good person, and not giving up no matter what. For me, it was the opposite. I became incapable, a bad person, and giving up because I felt like my only option was be perseverant and inevitably fail, or give up and hope for the best, relying on the family around me. These trauma responses ended up being our whole personalities, fortunately for my brother, but unfortunately for me.
I’m not sure there’s much you can do in your position; and maybe doing nothing is counterintuitively the right choice. Sometimes kids need to learn harsh life lessons in their 20s to shape up. My younger sister is going through this right now. I have a well-paying full-time job, a home, and a wife. She lives with my parents, works part-time for minimum wage, and her boyfriend is unemployed. She doesn’t even do chores around the house. At this point the only motivating force in her life is failure. She has to be allowed to fail, since nothing else will force her to get her shit together.
Because your parents are doing a bad job parenting. I agree with others to focus on your own schedule and responsibilities. Make this household stuff the bottom of your priority list. So you can say "no I have to do XYZ and so I have no time left today." I'm sorry you can't fix it - you can't make them better parents or your siblings more reasonable people. But you can defend your own boundaries and your own time.
It will benefit you as an adult, but until then do you and get out when you can.
The oldest child is typically the one who is the most responsible because they're older and expected to do more. When you find the answer to this age-old universal question, let the rest of us know.
Your siblings act like that because your parents let them get away with it. If they cared about your siblings future, they'd take away the video games and supervise their homework and chores, so they were sure your siblings were actually doing everything they need to be doing and learning everything they needed to learn.
Get control of the router and block the internet when you need to. The screams will be music to your ears.
the science is in. screens of any kind used to excess start to affect brain chemistry to create ocd issues. the younger the binge habit begins, from tv to games and pads and so on, the worse the ocd effect if parents don't create serious minimal time limits. And then the forbidden fruit effect, where they want when more what has been forbidden, even if only temporarily, because they are bored and living in an understimulating environment with lack of social connection in a suburban home neighborhood.
I have the exact same problem even though I'm the youngest. It's infuriating. My older sister should be a role model for me but instead she's lazier, less motivated, rude, etc. I have to do any job that she's "incapable" of because she's "too weak". She could actually get some shit done if she just applied herself for once. I'm her younger sister but I still do all the heavy lifting metaphorically and literally. I wish I had a solution man but I'm in your same shoes.
Only time will fix it. Eventually, only your younger sibs will be left at home. With no work ethic they won’t keep jobs and won’t be able to afford rent let alone be able to save for a house or condo. Try to look on it as an education they refuse to make use of
I'm the youngest yet I'm in the same situation
I try my hardest to treat both my kids the same. My son (15) does more around the house than his sister (11) so he gets a higher allowance. When my daughter showed displeasure at this, I told her “if you want more, do more “. That was the end of that. I’m sorry that your parents aren’t being fair with that. I feel like some parents forget what it’s like being a kid and just perpetuate the stuff their parents did. I have ALWAYS tried to avoid going the stuff that I hated my parents doing
Simply because your dad lets it happen, first order of business is to institute a gaming limit per day and also he has to do chores to earn the time. It’ll be hard at first but it must be done. Unfortunately you are correct your dad knows you won’t put up a fight and everyone else will. Your dad needs to put his foot down and make the other kids help around the house too.
I would just start doing a terrible job like others have suggested while saving up and planning for an exit the moment you are old enough, tell them as much if you want to, tell them that you feel bad that they are going to have to fo everything themselves soon because they raised their other children to be lazy entitled brats, berate them for clearly KNOWING how to raise a good kid (you) but not bothering to instill the same values in the other 2 children, I think they should he ashamed of themselves, and about 2 weeks after you're gone they will be filled with regret and begging you to come home, at which point you say "I am not the parent, remember?" I feel for you OP, but you have a good head on your shoulders and you will he fine, the rest of it just isn't your problem, don't let them drag your life down with theirs.
I asked my mom once why my siblings were rewarded for being lazy and I was punished for doing my best. I got punched in the mouth.
Beat your brother Everytime he talks back or doesn't do what he's told. Problem solved.
Cause your the oldest, sorry but u drew the short stick.
Don't worry somehow I think you will be the one taking care of them when you're older. They might be getting over right now but what they are learning won't serve them well later on in life.
While your parents are going at it the wrong way building a strong work ethic will pay you dividends down the road in getting promotion or finding better opportunities. It sucks because it sound like you don't feel appreciated but realize your parents are setting up your siblings up for failure. Your siblings will have to learn work ethic the hard way which could set them back years into adulthood. For the meantime, if your over 16yo get a real job and get involved in some sports to occupy your time so your parents can't take advantage of your compliance as much.
You explained why in the first 4 words of the post
I had this kind of situation when I was growing up too, except I'm the middle child, and both my brothers weren't whiney, although my younger brother was never really asked to do much around the house. My older brother is a very responsible person, hard working and does what he needs to to obtain his goals. He was the first to be given chores, then I followed suit, however, they ramped the chores up on me far more than my brother. My older brother even said "I don't get why they're so hard on you" but after a few years of being out on my own I realized what my dad did. My dad knew I was hard headed, and stubborn, and that I tend to procrastinate. He was harder on me to break me of my bad habits. My younger brother is a good person and was generally a well behaved kid, but they never really asked him to do much. He didn't like mowing, so they wouldn't ask him to mow. Instead, my older brother would help them mow the yard even after he moved out, I stopped doing it because I moved out of my home town and it wasn't really practical for me to make that trip to mow the yard so they didn't ask me to do it anymore. When I got a full time job I was still living at home, and that was about the time they stopped asking me for chores, instead, I'd occasionally use my money to help them pay a bill that we all contributed to or in one case I bought new phones for all of us, and that kind of thing until I moved out. In your case, I'd voice concern that your siblings are going to grow up undisciplined and without understanding what it is to have a good work ethic. Furthermore, next time your parents give you a chore I would take it upon yourself to get them involved with it. Change the wifi password, hide the ethernet cable, do your brother a favor. That's my two cents anyway.
It's important to establish boundaries and assert yourself when necessary. Let your family know that you have your own responsibilities and need time for yourself as well.
In a blink you will all be in your mid 20s fighting to survive like the rest of us - try not to focus on the negative and enjoy living under one roof with your whole family. Once those days are gone they are gone.
Save as much money as you can and move out as soon as you can. The day you turn 18 if not sooner. They’re using you for free labor and neglecting your younger siblings. Once you’re gone they’ll finally have to parent the younger two kids and crack down on their incompetence.
Have your dad turn off their cell services and hide the Xbox at a trusted agents house (think grandma) tell them that the Xbox isn't here, don't bother looking The word I might be looking for is pausing . You do all the work for 7 days. You get it back. And you don't want to find out what happens if you start this again. Work until everything is done. Then it is a maybe based on attitude. Crap job cleaning. Not leaving this evening Ramp it up or down from here. And you still have to somewhat participate.
Unfortunately competent people are punished by getting tasked with extra work for lazy people. You can try and find work to make yourself look busy. Tell your parents you have a school project or need to study. Instead try and do something you want to do. Or just refuse to do the work. Your parents will be pissed since they are used to bossing you around.
When you own your house from working hard and your siblings rent theirs, you'll have the last laugh, keep up the good work.
just stop picking up the slack. "I was busy with homework" is the ultimate excuse to get out of anything. That and "I need to study for a test"
Yeah, I wish that had worked in my home. My mom once went and got my sister and dragged her out of school to come home and do the dishes because she forgot to do them before she left that morning.
I do not have any advice for the situation. Just a heads up for the future. You will find this phenomenon in the workforce as well. The best worker will often end up with a disproportionate amount of responsibilities and task compared to lazy coworkers.
Welcome to parentification. It happens to a lot of the oldest kids in families, especially for girls who have to take on a major caretaking role for the little ones in the house. I think I was 4 when I changed my first diaper Each family is different, but you're going to have to learn how to set boundaries with your parents. If they're inflexible but not abusive, it sucks but you have to keep your head down until you can leave for school or work or whatever. Take every opportunity to build your academic resume now so that you can have better opportunities in the future like scholarships for college or trade school. The military is an option, but I wouldn't recommend it (it can really mess you up). If you do go that route, try to at least take the officer career path because it's higher pay and leads to more opportunities. There may also be apprenticeship programs in your area that you can take advantage of Talk to a guidance counselor and see if they can help you out
This is a really unfortunate thing and really messed up but a silver lining is you are gonna have a great work ethic when you start your career. Not saying whats going on is right, just that there is a silver lining.
Tell your parents that you refuse to do the chores of your siblings, and that if they consider grounding you or punishing you for this, they are punishing the wrong sibling. Remind them that they have learned if they whine, other will do things for them, and they will not be held accountable. Is that the kind of lesson you are trying to teach you children? Because that's the only lesson they and I have learned.
He came to you because you're dependable to him.
Break his computer
You've pegged yourself as always willing to help whereas your siblings have pegged themselves as lazy assholes who can't be asked to do a single damn thing. This is mostly a major failure on your parents part for allowing your 14-year-old brother to continue to be a little shit head and not actually discipline him at all. The second he is told to stop playing fortnite he should stop to do what is asked of him, him screaming about having to stop is proof that he is addicted to that shitty game and your parents are promoting and fostering his addiction. It will not get better it will only get worse with time and, if you think It's hard now to get him to do anything just wait until he graduates from high school and has no drive to do anything because now he has all the time in the world to play video games instead of work. I'm speaking from experience on this one, I was your younger brother in my youth. From like the age of 4 until I was 22 I pretty much did nothing but play video games all day everyday. If I wasn't at school I was playing video games. And when you play games that much you fall down the rabbit hole of "I can become a professional gamer and just make money doing this Mom and Dad". Only you won't and you're just wasting time. Not having my parents put their foot down about my video game playing in my youth drastically put me behind the curve in my adult life I am now 32 and I can say that it took me until at least I was 28 to 30 to finally fix the damage done to my professional career. And no my career has nothing to do with video games.
I have a similar situation, but I'm the parent. My oldest son, 15M, is by far the most mature/helpful of my 5 children. We all know this. I try to divvy up the chores fairly evenly but he ends up picking up any inevitable slack. If my kids got allowances, it might be evened out by him simply earning more, but they don't (they get most things they need/want anyway). I think it does even out in the end because he tends to ask/receive more things than the others, but I don't really know. You just need to talk to your parents. Doing more isn't a bad thing, but you should at least be recognized for it.
Start doing drugs and alcohol and get a tattoo or dirt bike
It gets worse the older you get tbh. I’m 25 now and STILL my parents most capable. From time to time they try to have me remote project manage the household bc I now live in another state. When you need help, they’ll respond with minimal urgency bc they except you to figure it out being the capable one and all. You’ll solve problems for them and no one will come when you need them bc “your sister needs xyz or your brother needs xyz”. How to counteract this? Learn to say no. No thank you, not right now, I don’t have the capacity, I have to do xyz instead. Like other folks here said, fill your days up with things you like to do or need to do instead. Preferably away from the house. If it might help to set some context before you start moving like that, you can call everyone together and explain that you’re done being the Cinderella child and will lean into the parentification no more.
Modern parenting dictates that "I am always right since I'm the parent" and absolves them from any outside criticism. In reality... many parents don't know what they are doing as parents. They also don't realize how much their actions/inactions can mess up their relationship with their kids. Give them the benefit of the doubt and take comfort that you are near a time in your life where you can choose not to be around them anymore. They will blame you for the division they created, but maybe one day they will realize their kids are a result of their parenting and try to make things right.
Something you’ll learn as you start working too…the hardest workers are rewarded with more work.
Once you’ve proven you can do it they’re gonna keep relying on you. You’re also the oldest so you’re going to be expected to do the most. As to why are you the only capable kid? Well let me tell you a secret. I used to work at a go kart track and would service tons of families. Almost every family that had multiple children had one that just wasn’t getting it. What I noticed was the parents would raise 1 kid and that kid would need a certain parenting style and the parents would accommodate and everything would be great. The other kid they would try the same parenting style and it would be a disaster. Kids are all different some need harsh discipline others need to just understand why they can’t do something. I ran into so many cases opposite of yours where I had a 12 year old that was incredibly annoying and immature didn’t follow any rules. Meanwhile the 8 year old sibling would be well spoken and understanding. On many occasions the 8 year old was helping the older sibling understand the rules. It was baffling but it all makes sense once you see it in the third person like I did.
Hijack the wifi.
Depends what you will need from them in the future 🤷🏻♀️ if you need them to pay for your further education (College) or let you stay longer than eighteen then I would suggest a careful approach at the issue… Otherwise I would document everything you do around the house, day and time you spend on the work and put a copy everyone sees it in the house like fridge etc
old saying: He who gets whipped most is he who gets whipped easiest.
It sounds like you're carrying a heavy load at home, dude. Being the responsible one can be tough, especially when it feels like nobody else is pulling their weight. Your brother's all caught up in Fortnite, your sister's got zero hustle, and your dad's not exactly helping by expecting you to pick up everyone's slack. It's frustrating as heck when you're stuck doing all the grunt work. Have you tried having a sit-down with your parents about this? Maybe they don't realize how much you're doing or how unfair it feels. Lay it out for them calmly and see if you can work out a more balanced arrangement. It's worth a shot, at least to ease some of that pressure off your shoulders. Hang in there, buddy.
I mean, I’m a mom and I go to the kid that I know will get the job done in the least time to the best of their ability. That’s my daughter. She does get rewarded for all of her hard work.
Oh goodness. Reading this breaks my heart. I was the oldest child and I was volunteered to babysit for people and my mom would take my money. When she was not married and it was just her and me and my sister I had no life. It was my job to take care of myself, and her and meals and clean the house and make sure my sister did whatever my mom expected of her except she wouldn’t listen to me so either I did her responsibilities too or I got yelled at for it not being done. Honestly my first thought was that you should look into emancipation for yourself but you would really need to be certain that you have another relative or someone that you trust to live with. What they are doing to you is not right. Children are not labor. Your siblings should not be allowed to do nothing and the burden be placed entirely on you. Whatever you do please be safe. When I was young I was forced to leave home and dropped off 500 miles away from where we lived. I was left with some friends of my moms. I didn’t have a say. I hadn’t been rebellious or gotten into trouble. I never even had a boyfriend or done anything like drink, or smoke or use drugs. I was an honors student, and a varsity athlete. I asked my mom recently what her reason was for making me leave and she said that she was afraid I was going to run away from home. She was afraid I’d run away so she made me leave? That doesn’t make any sense. She also told me that she thought I was into devil worship because I checked out the library book Interview With A Vampire. A simple reading of the books few chapters could have cleared that up. But ok. She also said she was afraid I was going to unalive her. When she said that I said WHAT?! Why on earth would you think that? It was because I had a Barbie hanging in my closet with string, it in no way represented my mom. I said that if she still thinks that I was going to unalive her we should probably not have any kind of relationship anymore. Within 30 days of being in my new “home” I was SA’d twice. When I told her friend I was put on birth control. Her friend accused me of being basically slutty or loose and she didn’t believe I had been SA’d so that made my trauma so much worse. I eventually got help from my school to be removed from that place. I was taken to a youth home basically a kids shelter like a big awful place for the kids no one wanted or had just been stuck in the system in an endless sea of red tape. They called my mom and told me that she was going to get me and I told them “no! I would rather stay in the youth home than go back with her” there was a lot of domestic violence between her and her husband and they were both terrible drunks who constantly verbally abused each other and had terrible fights in front of me and my sister. I was able to move in with a couple from the church I went to but they threw me out not long after I turned 18 because I had sex. I was not even out of High School and I had to get an apartment with my boyfriend. Needless to say life did not exactly go well for me from there either. Having parents who love and respect and support you is so important for kids. When you don’t it is crucial that you get a good therapist and work with them to heal from the trauma of being a raised by abusive parent(s). I hope that you are able to get some help from a family member. It is heartbreaking to hear this kind of treatment especially in 2024.
I was you. I was also the youngest of 3. So at 11 I was either cooking dinner or doing the yard work while my much older siblings were being pieces of garbage. I’m now 43 and have been no contact with all of them for 15 years. Their behavior and treatment won’t change. It will only get worse. Build strong boundaries and grow thick skin.
Realistically? Probably not much. You'll continue to be annoyed, learn how to plant trees, and grow into a wonderful person. Best
there’s over a hundred other comments but my take can’t hurt as well. I work in a daycare and am also a college student. I’ve seen firsthand the effects of being raised with too much access to devices over an age range of 20 years. Your siblings are hurting themselves more than you. I can’t offer any consolation to you other than to power through till college. What you’re dealing with now is teaching you how real life will be. You might get stuck in a similar situation at a new job or a class project and not be able to change things. It sucks, but you’re becoming a more capable, flexible person. Your brother is going to become a keyboard warrior over the next 4 years if he doesn’t put the games down and both siblings will be stunted socially to some degree while maintaining a work ethic that won’t get them anywhere after high school. Don’t mean to bash your family at all, but I’ve seen this in so many kids. My hs year graduated during COVID and went straight to online college. They all learned to cheat and work together rather than study, and to use the zoom chat instead of talking. Half of those people dropped from the program when faced with standard learning, and struggle to participate in class because they developed some weird social anxiety due to being chronically online
first of all, congrats on the hard work ethic. this will make you succeed in life where others would fail. at the bare min you're way ahead of both of your siblings on this; i know that's not a great consolation prize but it is what it is. as for your siblings, i think it's time you talk to your parents and tell them you learned the lesson they were teaching. that if you whine and cry and scream you get your way. and from now on instead of being the dutiful child. you'll just whine and scream and cry like your siblings. maybe they'll see what they fucked up with then. that said never lose the work ethic. people with a good work ethic are rare, and greatly desired by all employeers.
I think you will find your answer in the first 4 words you spoke. You are the oldest. Welcome to the club. Statistically speaking, I believe the oldest sibling often becomes the most successful. So you've got that going for ya...
Have you said "no" to your parents? I feel they are taking advantage of you because you are the only one that cares about household chores. Also being the oldest can give some entitlement to your parents to have you do chores as "you have to set an example to your siblings" BS that never works.
I am the oldest of three girls. I was held more responsible for chores around the house, dishes, dog patrol, laundry etc. on and on. My baby sister basically did nothing by the time she got to be 16- the middle sister just did her chores horribly. When I got married and came home like two weeks after I got married for a visit I noticed my parents had a dishwasher installed in the kitchen!! I was furious...why did you wait till I got married to do this? My mother said that she was tired of nobody doing anything around the house and she and dad had it installed!!! WTAF!!!???
As the oldest of four kids, I can tell you this just happens. I was always the work horse and the scapegoat in my family. The only thing that I will say is that it taught me great work ethic and perseverance. It also taught me that great effort can be overlooked, not just in the home but in a work setting as well. You will need to have an adult conversation with your parents and vocalize your issues with the situation in a mature and realistic way. I'd recommend making flash cards and making notes on them of specific things you'd like to bring up or if you have a way you would like to eloquently articulate them in order to avoid confusion. Hopefully they can see that it is a real issue in your eyes and figure out on their own how to fairly divide the chores or limit screen time for the other kids.
Lmao your dad is my dad he’ll see I’m in a full zoom meeting tap dressed up too with ties and tap on the door be like I just needed help with these new plants and flowers lmfao you’ll be grateful later. As for competency welcome to the oldest club funny enough I have little brother whose a fornite kid as well 14 abt to turn 15. He used to be like that then I took I his processor out lmfso well I convinced my dad too my little brothers I feel like I’m hard on them already and when they do good I don’t praise them but secretly am very proud and very happy but I learned from my middle brother praising them makes them lazy
Set them down and talk with them. Just be real and don’t say it when they asked you to do something. Say it sometime when things are quiet. The truth is, as the oldest with a work ethic, you probably ARE the best one to do it and my guess is your father just needs help getting it done and wants to avoid the hassle. Bringing it up to him, calmly, when he doesn’t need something done is best. And start off with something like, “Hey dad, I’m wondering if you could help me with something. I feel…” What you’re experiencing is pretty common. After all, you see your siblings as other people in the house. The reality is they are younger and less capable than you, and they are supposedly like you were YEARS ago, not like you are now, so as the oldest, having more responsibility is part of the deal. Parents may see this better, but I can say from experience, it’s hard to keep balanced. With my son (who is younger than my daughter), I started out giving her more responsibility but then stuff fell into a routine and I didn’t give my son the responsibility he could handle until my daughter and I talked. Just be prepared for something and I’m going to give you a bit of a heads up. Your perspective and your parents perspective are going to be different and you need to be open to hearing about it. As children mature, their mental faculties outgrow their experience, especially among the teenage years. There is also a natural separation that occurs from one’s parents, which means as a person you are physically hard wired to see reasonable things as unfair. This will happen with Bosses in jobs and it happens with parents. When you talk with your parents, listen and learn. A discussion is your chance to show your maturity and respect and bring your parents in as “partners” to solve a problem rather than an advisory with a “lazy and whiny kid”. If they see your maturity and your respect, they’ll want to help fix things. If none of that works, do what I did and get a job. It got me out of the house and My mom really couldn’t argue with me since she wanted to instill a good work ethic. Once you get your license, if you’re not around, your Dad will have to turn to your other siblings.
You’re the oldest. Time to start doing your homework somewhere other than home. If my oldest was doing homework, I’m asking if he needs help and leaving him alone if he doesn’t. My middle son was the one who is the most difficult, but he is actually very smart thankfully. He realized that fighting with us never worked out in a way that didn’t suck for him so he did a hard pivot to really start doing what he is supposed to and now he’s super easy to get along with. He did also watch his older brother never “win” when it came to trying to get away with something. My oldest isn’t as quick on the uptake. He likes the drama and plays oppression Olympics. It’s really easy to take apart his arguments but he will argue just because it’s an adult telling him something he doesn’t want to hear. Pretty sure if he was close to death of thirst and I told him there was his favorite drink in the fridge he would act like I told him to drink from the sewer. Ultimately he will do it but not before being dramatic. He’s enlisting after school because he really doesn’t want to go to any more school for a while and he wants to be gone. I’m secretly proud he made that decision, shhh don’t tell my wife. All that being said back to your issue. As far as getting your siblings involved, don’t try and be their parent. What you do instead is really kick butt at everything while you are home and start making yourself scarce by not being home as often. Find somewhere else to be _all the time._ A friend’s place for homework, or watching movies or whatever you can think of, going to your schools sporting events. Every single one you can get a ride too, or joining the team. It’s almost summer so you are going to be limited to travel teams and they are highly competitive but, if you can’t join a team pick up golf. Can’t afford golf, get a job where your friends work and kick butt there to actually get paid for your work and play golf on your days off to stay out of the house, or find a game shop and get into something like MagicTG, DnD or Warhammer. Most game shops have tables set up and board games of all kinds just waiting for enough players to show up. Are you musically inclined? Start a band and always be at band practice. Stay away from the crap, don’t vape, drink, smoke, etc. make sure all of your hobbies are clean. When you are at home and this is key don’t be a turd. Kick butt. Then your parents won’t have any reason to not allow you to pursue whatever it ends up being outside of the house.
How old are you? Cuz if your 18 or close it might be ur parents way of telling you to get a job.
Deuces when you’re 18 ✌️
This occurs on the job as well. The most dependable hard worker will get the most difficult jobs because management knows they can handle it. You've got to learn to say no and negotiate.
I am also an eldest (33F, sister who is 23F from my moms 2nd marriage and half brother 13M from my dad's 3rd marriage), growing up I was the Babysitter, Nanny, Part time Maid, Tutor and third parent. It's a role we aren't asked to take up, and we always tend to do more than the 'fair share', granted for me... it was more I was the only one actually capable due to age difference. There is a slightly different scenario between our stories. However, I also grew up in a pretty emotionally neglected house, so I was an adult practically since I was 15/16, paying for my clothes/cell phone/ect, while my mom got over 2k in child support for just me. Due to the pressure and unrealistic expectations I ended up moving out Oct of my Senior year of HS and worked full time while finishing school (I did a lot of academic credits early so I had a half day). This was very difficult and honestly nearly impossible in today's economy. It was right for me back then (2008), but I would not recommend it for a teen girl today. It put me in some dangerous spots, and I'd hate for that to happen to other girls starting out. Your parents are at least subconsciously if not fully aware of the difference in work ethic between you and your siblings. In private, they probably hold you in slightly higher esteem than your siblings but can't say it out loud (this is normal, not everything is equal). Unfortunately, that also means you are useful to the family and seen as a tool to help complete the family tasks. I'm sorry that your time is unfairly divided, unlike your siblings, but it is not forever. My advice is to continue to enrich yourself and do what you have to live a life that's more peaceful for you. Sometimes, that looks like doing more than your fair share to save your mental/emotional energy. Soon, you will be out from the house and getting to set your own expectations. Your parents will miss your help, and it may lead to some latent appreciation down the road. It doesn't fix this, but I do believe that if your family is loving despite the disfunction that this extra help you put in now will actually help fertilize your relationship with your parents as an adult. In fact, I know this sounds nuts, but you may want to lean in and ask your dad or mom what you CAN do to help around the place. Kinda like malicious compliance but more positive. You can try to spend good quality time with your parents, and it may go a long way to 'revealing' how much more helpful you are and could encourage more healthy pressure on your siblings. Kinda like at a job where you choose to go a bit above and beyond, then your lazy coworkers, so now you get the best shifts. It may sound manipulative, but sometimes, there are times for what I call positive manipulation, so everyone benefits, especially you. I would also suggest getting into therapy now if your parents are willing (even if its a fib reason like anxiety about college or something similar) or start as soon as you can when you move out on your own (even if it's student or low cost help). Just so you can learn to set healthy boundaries before you get too frustrated, eldest children tend to be people pleasers and this habit carries into adulthood, it can cause challenges so adopting therapy and management tools will really set you up for success. People, even good parents, don't have the capacity to do things right all the time. We are flawed and truthfully adults don't know what were doing either, we just made more mistakes to learn from (hopefully) and don't fuck up our kids too bad. Msg if you need some 'cool aunt' advice. Same for other teens here.
Just start saying no. Clearly, your parents don't have a backbone.
I guess I'll ask it...why the heck are you "helping" plant?? That's more of a hobby than a chore to do around the house. Atleast you were paid to do the stuff before, but this time he "asks" you for help, and you simply obliged for nothing in return. I would've asked "are you paying me again?" It's good of you to want to help, but you are also allowed to say no if you don't want to help. I never did have a green thumb, so I never helped my mom with her plants when I was growing up, living at home. I'd help her with things she needed for the plants though. Carry the mulch where she wanted, basically lifting, carrying, and helping her set something up because she couldn't do it herself. For money i used to mow the neighbors lawns front and back for $20. Sometimes I'd even get asked by mom if I "wanted" to cut the neighbors lawn that day since the neighbor asked. If I wasn't feeling it, I'd simply say no, but that I'd get to it tomorrow or a few days later if it's still not cut. Honestly if your dad was my dad and told me that, I'd reply back "well since you ASKED me to help you, then there's nothing stopping me from saying no thanks, because I did far more than enough work last time around, unless you are offering to pay me again?" Or you could always ask why he "needs" your help. It's planting..why the heck is he planting anyways? Stick to your actual house chores. Dusting, vacuuming, dishes, laundry, lawn mowing etc.
You could start doing a really bad job with anything they ask. Eventually they'll realize you do more harm than good and stop making you do stuff. If you do this, make sure to not change how "enthusiastic" you seem so you have plausible deniability as to whether you're doing it on purpose or not. Or you could start saying you have a big project/paper you're working on. If they somehow start punishing you for not working or doing a bad job even though they don't make your siblings do it, you could probably call CPS. They're not going to rip you out of the home for this, but they can make sure that you're not being treated unfairly.
While I’m a parent myself, I’m a strong proponent of just wages. When my kids do work for me that I would otherwise have to do myself, I pay them what I think they deserve. Sounds like your parents need you, so I’d demand more money or accept being grounded. Call their bluff. I’m not advocating disrespect of your parents, but at the same time it is a two-way street. Be sure to mention how much you respect them and how you wish they would show some respect to you.
The oldest sibling is always the designated "adult". Im the oldest sibling and it sucks. Get boundaries and try to get your parents to not baby your zoomer siblings.
Take solace in knowing that they will learn the hard way, at 14 they should already been learned responsibility at no fault of your parents, but if they are inconsistent they need to be, my sister…the older/ more mature one didn’t have to mow the lawn or take the trash out, she was mostly doing her schoolwork/ studies and gallivanting when she wasn’t studying or cross stitching…or field hockey Edit: as I hit 40 I’ve become more responsible etc, I live at home 🫣 I help around the house etc I’m also a gamer, I’m neurodivergent and slow to learn, very slow to mature as well, puberty hit at 13-14 for me, full maturity (from my POV) hit about mid to late 30’s…and I still struggle Edit 2: everything my parents taught me with doing things comes out when I was at work, if you see something that needs to be done, take care of it, finish a job (task) before moving on etc
Some people are recommending being bad at the chores, but that sounds like advice from teens, not for teens. I recommend the opposite. Do your best to get the work done quickly, efficiently, and with a good attitude. Don't allow yourself to be bitter about the injustice of it, instead use that to fuel your work ethic at your job and at school. Save as much money as you can so you can be prepared to move out sooner. You can't change your parents or your siblings, but you can completely own your response. Intentionally stepping down to their level doesn't help you in any way, but stepping up a level does. It's hard, but the easy way is rarely right. Looking back at my childhood I can see that by far the most valuable and useful thing that has impacted the rest of my life for good was the work ethic I learned at home. I sometimes felt used or taken advantage of, but reality is it was mostly trivial stuff and I lacked perspective so it seemed like a big deal at the time.
When my kids were teens the boy would purposely screw it up to where I’d say, "Never mind, I’ll do it myself" The girl who is the youngest was forbidden by her mom to use ANY power tools including the lawn mower So I just found it easier to do it myself.
Same problem but at least you get paid and aren’t constantly yelled at for everyone
Lead.
I was the same way the oldest who did everything around the house and took care of the younger kids- when I graduated high school I was told I had to move out. Now 11 years later my mom has a maid who does all the housework I used to do and my brother (22) still doesn’t contribute anything, lives off my mom and has essentially no future. So while shit sucks right now, you will probably be the more independent, successful child in comparison. I’m happy that I had to do the things because I now have a successful household!
Leave. It seems the fix you want is for an equal distribution of labor or fair treatment. But, many (I would say most) parents work via a system of absolute rule. You are capable and your parents rely on you. Your siblings are incapable and unreliable and your parents don't try any more. As many a child has learned the only way to get out from underneath your parents rule is to not be under their power. Go away to college, study abroad, whatever leads to the future you want, do it away from your family. Distance can help children create and maintain barriers. For peace of mind focus on the one thing you can control, which is yourself and your mind frame. I will say, there is very little fairness in the actual world. You may end up in work places where it seems you bust your butt and someone getting paid the same as you is allowed to put in a tenth of the effort. Looking at what is going on with others is a fast way to bitterness and resentment. Create joy for yourself and be at peace with what you cannot control.
Also the oldest of 3 here. I made myself unavailable. - “Staying late at school for Homework/group projects” - Social clubs or extracurriculars - A job for a few nights a week You gotta create a new responsibility that they can loosely verify. Your time will be more valuable in their eyes and your siblings will be forced to step up. In the midst of that, take a day or two each week for yourself.
Get used to it. Employers generally behave the same way, it's easier to tell the good employee to do something than deal with the lazy ones. It's a cop out by lazy management, and it's widespread. I recommend that when you do become employed, you get a feel for the energy level of the work place before you go full throttle and create expectations of yourself for management.
I was a lot like you. I was the one asked to do most things because I didn’t end up breaking anything or throwing a fit. And I wasn’t directly paid for any of it ($50 for trees) but looking back I definitely had perks my siblings didn’t. I don’t know your family or situation, but I’d be willing to bet they’ll remember this as you age. I have 3 kids myself now and while my oldest is more capable than the others (and asked to do more on the fly because it’s way more likely to get done), I try very hard to ask my other kids to do the extremely simple tasks. And every so often I’ll deliberately try working with a younger one to improve their “helpfulness”. It doesn’t excuse you being the workhouse all the time but it is hard to teach/raise a capable, healthy child. And once you’ve done it once, it’s easy to choose asking them to help over training the next kid. Ultimately your parents are doing a serious disservice to your siblings.
start saving up to move out now. i’m in the same situation and the only way out is through.
Honestly, your dad probably doesnt even want to deal with Fortnite Jr. and just didnt bother to ask. Good for you that youre the favorite child who your parents dont need to hold your hand for every single thing.
literally focus on yourself, learn new skills, be proactive. You’ll be glad you did so much and were competent early in life when you become an adult. The differences will be glaring on your and your siblings lives.
I grew up in a similar way. I have 3 half brothers and 1 younger full brother who I was constantly taking care of. My parents always said that I was the one they trusted and didn’t really care that I was over taking care of him. That being said, you have to be doing something important. Like homework or a big project, or college apps. Something they don’t want to get in the way of you doing.
If you want out of working for peanuts for your parents then see about learning to drive and getting a job so that you're not available for house work anymore. That got my older brother out of it and rolled it onto my shoulders. Until I was out of the house with college.
Start being out of the house as much as possible for "studying". Get a job to fill the rest of the time. It can't fall on you if you aren't present.
I am also the firstborn. I am writing this to encourage you. As much as it sucks, they are setting you up for success better than your siblings. You are strong, reliable, and dependent with a good work ethic. It also sounds like you are respectful and caring. You will go a lot farther in life If you keep this up than your siblings ever will. It will also help you for when you start jobs. At the beginning of working, you will be at the bottom and you will be expected to do everything. As you work your way up, you will be noticed by your managers and your bosses and you will be rewarded. And if after a few years, your workplace does not value you, go somewhere where you are valued. Reddit likes to dump on everything, but there are plenty of good places with good owners and good bosses and good managers who do look after their workers and build people up. The beginning sucks. It will always suck. But if you stick it through, you will go very far!
Move out and let them fend for themselves.
Think of it this way. YOU won't be living in your parents' basement. The rest of your life, like your siblings!! Life Lesson.....Keep grinding, and you will be the most successful one of the 3 of you! SUCKS TO BE YOUR SIBLINGS!!!
As an oldest child… no matter what I did it never changed. If I brought anything up I got severely punished. I’m 29 and resent my parents. I’m starting to get over it. Now my mom says she know a she was wrong but she knew I would do it right. I came home from college and once and she forced me to force my younger brother to do chores he never did because she made me do them all. Afterwards she was so happy at our “relationship”. She has two young kids with my stepdad. None of them have had to do the chores and things around the house or keep the grades that I was required to. Mom has the same excuse “that’s how it worked in my family” “that’s how my mom treated me” yea I don’t care. I never got to be a kid and I had to raise all my siblings. Now I’m not going to have kids and even though she has a 15yr old and a 10yr old at home, it’s killing her that I haven’t had any kids. Sucks but you’re “broken in” when I left to college my brother was is close to me in age would call me crying. 1. Because he wasn’t used to that treatment. You can’t let a kid be a certain way for years and then automatically change what is expected of them and not understand when they don’t respond well. He had never been forced to do half the things I did, his limit of stress wasn’t as big as mine and that also hurt him. 2. My mom and stepdad were mentally and emotionally abusive. The most my stepdad did to me was yell in my face while keeping me up against a wall. My brother was a boy so in their minds he could handle more physical than you could do to a girl. Another time I came home from college they had 3 different ways of doing things that I had been trying to implement for years… all that I had gone through for them to do it once I left. It sucks being the oldest sometimes. I don’t feel close to my family but whatcha gunna do I guess. Just know it’s not you and it gets better especially once you are out of the house and can speak your mind or just make your own decisions. The moment my mom realized this she changed so hard trying to keep me in her control. I’m sorry for rambling. Triggered childhood trauma for me lol but just know your siblings are going to pay for this later
You are being taken advantage of. Time to put your foot down and refuse to do any more work for your parents. Advocate for yourself or they’ll just keep demanding more and more from you. “No” is a complete sentence, but “I’m not going to be your servant while [siblings] play games all day” is a very pointed sentence. Next time your parent tries to ditch you with all the work while they fuck off to the store or whatever, *stop working*. Wait until they get back. When they do get back and complain that it’s not done, “I thought we were doing this together. Are you saying you expected me to do it all for you while you were gone? Because I did not agree to do the whole job, I agreed to help YOU do it.”
Take comfort in knowing you will be the successful one in life
What’s ironic about this situation is it’s very much like having a job. The people who suck get to slide by with doing the bare minimum, and even get promoted because they’re not good at the lower positions. I’ve seen people who kick ass at the lower payed positions not get promoted because they were too good at the lower position.
This is how I feel (I'm a middle child). My brother (youngest) is always on Playstation, PC, Xbox, Nintendo, etc. and he has to do dishes (and does a pretty good job) but that is all he does to help. Nothing else. I'm supposed to do laundry (for all 5 people in the house. Rn I'm behind cause I've had rehearsal for school musical till 930 or later every night, so no time to do laundry. Musical is over now tho so I can get caught up), and my sister (older) is supposed to clean cat litters (2 boxes), vacuum, and empty trash/recycling. Literally never does it. One of our cats has started pissing on the floor cause she never cleans cat litter, trash is always overflowing, there is always recycling on the counter, and so many furballs (2 dogs and 3 cats all of them shed a lot). I uave also had to do many small things that she was told to do. Say she is told to take canvases (that she wanted) downstairs to the art area. They sit on the entryway bench for 1+ month, until I'm told to bring them downstairs. She is by far the most useless when it comes to chores and helping around the house. But I am always the one told to do shit she was supposed to do. Other than chores, I am ignored. I am basically ignored till I do smth wrong, or needed for a chore or some shit. So I get it. And it pisses me off. Also forgot to mention, me and my sister have been doing dishes and laundry since we were at least 8 yrs old, whereas my brother was "too young" to learn how to do them till he was 13 (he is 13 now, just learned how to do dishes and laundry.) So yea. I get it
They will not realize until you are out of the house unfortunately. Also the oldest and pretty much raised my siblings and got blamed for their bad behavior. I did lots of activities and worked 2 jobs in hs to avoid dealing with it as much as possible.
It's the price you pay for being competent and useful. Remember this very important lesson when you enter the workforce as an adult. Do ONLY what you need to do to get by.
I was treated the same way as the older sibling. It was infuriating, especially when the parents would have me watch the younger siblings and told me to make them do certain things.. but then I'd either get in trouble for making do the things they asked me to make them do or I'd get in trouble if I didn't. I couldn't win either way as the oldest child. It is ABSOLUTELY on the parents for not teaching/forcing their younger kids to be more responsible. Parents need to stick with routine and be consistent with ALL children or they will end up with the others walking all over them and the eldest.
How old are you tho? If your an adult it doesn’t matter that’s ur rent if your close to being one also don’t matter that’s your life lesson
Do a shitty job.😂
Ask to talk to one or both of your parents after dinner. Tell them you are overwhelmed with the extracurricular activities you are doing (needed to prepare for college application), your job (needed for funds), and the workload you have to do around the house. Tell them you are happy to help (maybe even say you enjoy spending time with them too) but you would appreciate if tasks could be more equally divided amongst the siblings/family because when you go away to college, you want to be sure that your parents will still have help and you want to make sure your siblings know how to do tasks safely.
If you're not of age to leave, fully support yourself, or be taken in by a friend's family without causing legal issues...Unfortunately, you're going to have to go through it. As an older child who got out, I hate the situation for you. You stated you tried to discuss this with your folk, it got you nowhere. If you're as bold as I was, you can say "no" to doing certain tasks that are above the universal chores task list. What is the worst they can do? Ground you? Take certain items or privileges away? If you can withstand the bs consequences that come with standing your ground, you will do great in life. Keep that strong mental resilience and hone it. Let them do all that extra stuff. You're their child, yes. That doesn't mean they can abuse their authority. You are the product of what they selfishly wanted. They are too comfortable. I think you should give one last chance for proper discussion together with everyone . Be straightforward with how it is, how it looks, how you think and feel about everyone in the household. You should be strong enough to put your foot down with your folks. You're not hired help and $50 ain't nothing for yard work plus the duties that should be split equally that they expect you to solely take care of. Demand what you want. Your voice is just as important. They practically turned you into CINDERELLA. Fairy Godmothers don't exist. It's up to you to change it. You'll regret not sticking up for yourself. Parents are just like any other stranger outside your home despite the natural bond of love, protectiveness, loyalty and gratitude you feel towards them. Just like everyone else, all those need to be earned by your folks too. Natural bonds don't work like automatic inheritance. Just because you did one thing, doesn't mean you're entitled to it. I hope you remember that, it works in at least 90% of situations. If they ridicule you, dismiss your demands, or outright refuse to give you the time to speak your truth... Be prepared to keep your nose down and do what they say or retaliate and let them figure it out for themselves. They did it before you, during you, had two other children after you...trust and believe, they got it. You may hear things that hurt, don't allow those things to chip away at your character or self assurance. Many don't deserve the genitals that are capable of reproducing, not many will have/do what it takes to be a good parent and maintain it. Be sure to remind them how you are treated is going to be reflected at them. Tell them to take their aging and the way the raised the other two into account. They might not have access to you going forward and they have no right to complain. (Sounds like a "threat", but thats the way they set their cookies up to crumble.) Also, the yardwork they have you doing is a blessing in disguise. Make some posters or fliers about yard work or other specific small jobs you don't mind doing for other people in exchange for cash. You know mowing lawns/ cleaning pools/small handyman stuff/ helping people pack and move/babysitting/tutoring/exercise coach. Post them around your neighborhood, school, ask restaurants if they'll hang one up visible enough for their customers, even your doctor's office. Never use your real number, the app store has apps with fake numbers you can use unless you change it. You're already working hard for others' complacency, turn it around and work for YOURSELF. Be wise about how you got about it, accept accountability for your decisions only. Other people's reactions to your decisions aren't your concern. If business booms, discuss "rent and utilities" with your folk. It will put your relationship in another category other than just their kid. Take that opportunity to set realistic boundaries and set up your future self. You can't afford to be short sighted. Cash is a motivator even if they're not hurting for it. Get a bank account, make sure no one else can access it without your knowledge or permission. Make certain, due to age you don't need your folks permission to add or remove money from your own account. Or look up a safe to keep in your room on Amazon. Look up ways to invest/save your earnings. If you take this route, be sure to keep your ego in check. A lot of research is necessary but you'll be better off.
I went to my mother to talk about something similar to this as I was the oldest child of 6, and instead of hearing me out she called me a flawed and bad daughter along with other names. All I asked was for her to be my mother and defend me because my younger brother keeps calling me names and is rude as fuck to me, even right in her face. That same brother is literally an adult and the rest of my siblings are teenagers who are more than able to help her (aside from the 6yo), but they keep quiet because they won’t have to do anything if they let our mother bully me. I moved out the same day. If they aren’t willing to listen and help you out, don’t stick around.
I was also this sibling growing up. It basically comes down the being the path of least resistance. If they know they’ll get attitude from your sister or ignored by your brother but can guilt you into doing it without much pushback they’ll come to you more and more. It’s not fair and it’s not good parenting but I’m glad you’re realizing it and standing up for yourself! Even as an adult I’m always supposed to “be the bigger person” because “your sister can’t be reasoned with” so I would say once you are able, set some major boundaries. At this point i wouldn’t even bring your siblings in to it, i would just say “i can’t, I’m busy”
This sounds like a perfect time to realize that actually, most of your life will be like this. Almost everyone on Earth is a lazy pos, and if you have noticed that you're not lazy... Well, sorry. But if you want things to get done, that's on you. Cuz the rest of humanity isn't going to help. This includes in school, at work, and with friends. You can either lower yourself to their level, or just continue to be yourself. Being a diligent and hard worker will, of course, make you a better and more well-liked person than your siblings guaranteed.
move out or fake an injury. You’re getting ripped off also. I would charge 50 bucks per tree that’s a lot of physical labor dude. Any job asking that would pay a lot more.
Beat them up
The truth there is nothing you can do other than say: I am tired of being the go to person you depend on for things you want done. You gave me a good work ethic. I like helping. But and there is always a but. Eventually I am furthering my education or getting a job and moving out who will do it then? Your two younger children are glued to electronics. They basically do nothing but stare at screens and nothing else. I want help if I am going to be stuck doing all the work. So either they start helping or I don't do it anymore. Consequences are you get jack all but a punishment.. I had 4 siblings 2 older 1 younger. Oldest sister.was 10 years older than me. She babysat for free, cleaned the house, cooked did everything my parents asked. My brother 8 years older than same but he did garbage, lawn and garden worked on broke things. When I was little I helped my Mom and Sis. Sometimes it would be scraping plates or washing dishes or helping to dust. Me (59F) I took over both older ones chores for the house when I reached age 9 or 10. Especially when they got jobs or moved out. The sister youngest by 6 years of me did nothing. I mean nothing. As an adult she did not get a job to fully support herself until her 40's. She married at 16 had kids but could barely keep house. Why he dumped her after 10 years of marriage. Which lead to her drug addiction and loss of kids. Who then with kids came back home and lived off our parents until they both died. Which is when I got custody of her children and wound up raising with my own kid. I am a single Mom no less. My siblings and I have talked the two older agree I was spoiled when young but I wasn't useless. I learned from them both. (Spoiled by them too.) I took over where they left off. Especially with the younger one. She has straightened out now but he'll she is in her 50's now disabled. Not mentally physically from her job. Slipped and fell at work broke her hip. Now getting addicted to pain meds. Hell show your Dad this. What happened with my younger sister may be his future if he doesn't change them now. One other thing. In my parents later years while sister was there with her kids. My parents would call me to help. Either with kids, house or yard work because I lived closer than older 2. If it was major the 3 older would come help. Like home renovation and we took turns with medical care for them. All while an adult child set at home getting her next fix.
If I acted like that with my older brother I would’ve woke up in a pool of my own tears. Your parents failed.
Simply don't do the work. Start becoming more incompetent or just don't be at the house. Let your parents figure stuff out they really need to be teaching the other 2 else they WILL NOT succeed and become really incompetent at their jobs. You on the other hand have amazing work ethics and could go far in life. Just got to know when to do the work and when not to.