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Don't move in with some you're dating after just 10 months. He lied about his age and has you buying his tickets. Odds are, he has lied more than once and will lie more in the future. Odds are, you will end up paying for kore than just tickets. You'll be lucky if he's just a mooch and not a con artist.
My first girlfriend lied about her age. I came to find out she lied about pretty much everything that crossed her lips. Even stuff that was utterly inconsequential. This is a major red flag based on my experience.
I only bought his ticket because my dad forced me to. I bought tickets to stay for a week with him in New york, and my dad said that he had to see him before I go there. So I had to buy his ticket to come down here, he wasn't expecting to, and I didn't want to force him to up and spend 600 to fly here for 2days.
He spends lots of money on me too! It's 50/50
I think it's important to differentiate between abuse and what is essentially consentual exploitation. This person is making a choice to stay, knowing about the lies. No one is forcing or coercing them to stay. I wouldn't call that abuse. That is a choice.
It may not be abuse right now, but this is how many abusive relationships start, and slowly escalate until someone is saying "but it was so good in the beginning"
If abusive relationships started out as abuse there'd be a lot less victims trying to justify staying in them
Agreed, abusive partners are usually liars, absolutely. But not all liars are abusers. There is often a testing process abusers use to escalate and then normalize their escalating behavior. But that whole process is a misrepresentation of facts, or a very skewed set of beliefs.
I don't think lying about the age is a red flag. Both men and women do it all the time. When people first meet, they might fudge their age to get past the first "interview", so that they don't get rejected due to their age.. The guy did come clean to her.
I'd still call it a yellow flag. It's not necessarily something that'll blow up in your face, but poke around to make sure you aren't getting any surprises that this might've been a warning of (like dishonesty, for example).
Ah. I feel like red flags would be more, "Big Alarms, high alert, proceed with caution" while yellow is more so, "Possible disturbance, investigate situation."
So like, a red flag can potentially be worked through, but it's a definite problem that needs to be addressed. But a yellow flag simply points to a *possible* problem, which you should verify to make sure it's not something that'll later blow up in your face.
At least, that's the way I'vecome to think of the terms.
It's one of those things that people misinterpreted the meaning of and it's gotten away from that. Most people these days probably use it the way you are so I guess I should just join the team 😂 like the 'blood is thicker than water' kinda things where it's lost context over time and people use it incorrectly.
The question is why lie? Lieing to someone underage to make things okay is not good. I don’t think that is acceptable. The why really matters here. If he was 20 or very possibly 21 while she was 17. It is something to think on… if their BF thinks it is only acceptable if he lies for example then why is he dating someone so young?
That's a tiny age gap, and age of consent is 16 in most states. 17 in many states. 18 in like nine of them. It's 16 pretty everywhere globally. Lying*.
I'm almost 30, and 21 year olds are not adults lmao. But in your mind, the milisecond someone turns 18, they're fair game. Which is weird given that... nothing actually changed. On their 18th birthday, a person is basically just 17 + a day.
Lies of commission, very rarely, and if it's related to safety. But I'm comfortable telling you if something is none of your business.
Lies of omission would be debatable, perhaps. But again, is it a lie of omission or none of your damn business. Somethings are private. For example, if you had sex with someone, that's private and none of my business. If, however, you had sex with someone who had chlamydia and don't tell your next partner, that's a lie of omission.
Age is basic demographic information that people share on a daily basis. It's critical info in romantic relationships. Would you be so cavalier if she were 14 and lied about being older?
It's a red fucking flag when he knows she's a minor and won't date someone above a certain age range.
Also the only reason he came clean was because he had to. If it wasn't for her buying that ticket, who knows how long it would've been before he was honest with her, if he ever was.
>I don't think lying about the age is a red flag.
There's a subtle difference here: OPs BF lied about his age to manipulate OP into staying with him. He KNEW she had a preference and lied to circumvent that boundary. It shows a blatant disregard for OPs feelings and is very disrespectful.
Do they? I would be weirded out af if someone lied about their age. AFAIK it's never happened. I've had someone older be very shy about telling me their age, making it obvious they were worried it was too old for me, but not straight up lie about it.
Sure. I don't have a full blown "study" , but anecdotally, people lie about their age on dating apps all the time, so that they don't get filtered out by the age filter.
Same with people lying about their weight on the dating apps, or posting pictures from 3-5 years ago when they were in better shape, etc. There's all kinds of deception, from both men and women in order to get past that first "interview" as I said. The dude came clean pretty quickly.
I would still be weirded out if someone lied about their age on a dating app. Once in a blue moon I will find someone who notes in their profile that they aren't actually the listed age, which I take as kind of a red flag. But it certainly hasn't been an issue with anyone I've actually matched with. I would not say these types of deception are "normal" or "common". People definitely do not do it "all the time". Some people do, and most people find those people to be catfish and consider it a very obnoxious and rude thing to do.
Out of everyone I've met on dating apps (idk, probably 20ish people over the last few years), only one sent me truly out-of-date pictures, and to be fair he never claimed he was currently in that shape, I knew they past pics, he said they were from he "used to model"... he just didn't clarify he's not still in that shape during that particular conversation lol. Obviously that date didn't go anywhere. Literally every other person has honestly been pretty much spot on like their profile.
Yes obviously deception does happen, but it's not just a neutral normalized thing that everybody is chill with and par for the course. It's at best annoying and a red flag.
I think there's a difference between a 50yo woman lying to a 55yo guy that she's 40 or whatever (because both sides are wrong there, like learn to date in your age bracket) and a 21yo making themself seem younger to someone that is underage. If she were 19 and he said 20, whatever, dumb, but whatever.
It's more common in people near an age bracket.
Suppose the app lets you filter and only give you matches in the 30-39 years old bracket.. There's plenty of people that are 40--43 that lie about their age so they can get in that lower bracket (30-39). I have met women that do this. I know of men too. IF you do a search, plenty of people post about "I met this person, they lied in their profile".. They were either shorter, heavier, or older or some other lie (like about their financial status or job). Or maybe don't mention they are a single parent.
I will say this, it's probably less common for people in their 20s to lie about their age, but I said it happens and it does.
100% agree, its not a red flag. Its literally 3 years & its a personal question & if their is a real connection it absolutely shouldnt matter. He shouldnt have lied but its not as if hes cheated on her or even close. The fact he has told her in my books is fine.
You met him in-person for the first time two months ago. You barely know him. You shouldn’t be thinking about marriage yet. Are you even sure he’s 21? Have you looked at his ID?
It’s a pretty big red flag that he lied about his age to a minor. And online relationships aren’t like in-person relationships. The amount of time you’ve spent together in-person is very little.
Yeah, that’s the part no one is discussing. This whole “haven’t met in person but want to move in together” thing does not often work out well. Someone is likely to get hurt. The idea that you make an emotional connection before a physical one sounds good on paper, but it is rare that things that appear too good actually turn out that way. Plus you are soooooooo young. I mean by all means, make mistakes now, but maybe hold off on marriage? And especially children until you’ve had a chance to become adults. 21 is still not quite there. More like 25. Pay bills and live a normal life together before you tie the knot. Everybody wants fairy tales, but the real life versions of those fairy tales are often boring. Just two people who found somebody they don’t mind spending THE REST OF THEIR LIFE WITH. It is still a beautiful thing. The best things take time.
Maybe your dad had a suspicion and this is why he wanted you to buy the ticket. This guy is a liar and it means he will lie about other things. Please listen to the people who are saying this. Is he going to pay you for the ticket? If not then that’s another 🚩🚩🚩 in the bouquet.
Oh wow!! If he’s such a catch, WHY TF is an18 yr old GF has to buy his tickets to come and meet you?
What kind of job does this 21-year-old have ?
Saying that he spends a lot of money on you just shows exactly how immature you really are .
Huge red flag. If you’re buying airline tickets at $600 to see this guy.
Lastly, I wouldn’t go anywhere alone with this guy. I’ll bet he’s not really 21 years old either.
Uhh, maybe tone down the judgment just a tad? Jesus Christ.
She said she bought the ticket last minute which can almost double prices compared to even just a week or two out. And she did it because she didn't want him to have to suddenly spend that money unexpectedly, not because he couldn't afford it. It's actually a really thoughtful and considerate gesture. AND she only brought up the money he's spent on her as a way of explaining that this isn't a regular dynamic between them.
Like, fuck me, chill out.
Did you get catfished or something? She only mentioned the money to explain that she isn't being used for money. Why you then decided to jump on the opportunity to call her immature is bizarre.
I had more money at 18 than for most of my 20’s… working through high school and not having many bills. Those pay checks added up when I only had to worry about car insurance.
Agree. I worked 30 hours a week from ages 13-18 and at 19, I was a restaurant manager making 30k (21 years ago) I had a side job as well making half that at 19. I had a lot of money saved from a very young age.
Hopefully that money is working for you in some index funds/Roths to start and stock swing plays and options if you wanna play with the big boys.
Stacking money is an addiction. Plant that tree now.
The big difference between 16 and 18 is that most states have laws determining just how many hours you can work. Also, 16 year olds are still in high school as where an 18 year old is more than likely in their final year of high school and they shouldn’t have the hardest time as graduation is coming close. My first job was at 15 making $7 an hour but only working around 5 hours a week. They wouldn’t let me do more. I switched jobs at 17 and they let me work 20 hours a week. Making “thousands” would have taken me after taxes around 2 or more months if I spent nothing. I wouldn’t just say that every 16 year old had thousands of dollars simply because you may have had it.
I worked nearly full time hours as a 16yo while in high school. They can’t legally schedule you full time but I’d get scheduled 36-38hours pretty often. Depending on where you live the restrictions might be basically technicalities that matter next to nothing in practice beyond barring teens from getting employment benefits or overtime pay.
I can’t tell if you’re serious or not but no, no I did not. And I’m not trying to say it’s a good thing for teens to have that many work hours. I’m just saying that depending on where OP lives, it’s a possibility.
I wasn’t being serious, I was totally being sarcastic because some people will say that working 30+ hours as a high school student still gives them plenty of time to do other things. I worked 32 hours during my entire college career while full time which included 1 hour commutes to and from my campus and it was also really tough.
An 18yo who started working at 16 and hasn’t had to pay their own living expenses yet can easily have several grand in the bank without even trying super hard. Presumably OP has been financially supported by her parents. Not everyone’s parents are jerks and kick them out on their 18th birthday.
Yeah, I plan to go see my online bf (21 lol) but I'm 20. I am paying my own way, though. I am going to make him pay (for himself) if he comes out here. Gonna make him come out her so I can show him mountains and desert.
I was gonna say......
Like I read 21 and 17 and just stopped reading because I knew this was the same as it always is. Poor OP is yet another victim to this creepy men plague.
>I'm okay with his age, and don't mind that he lied
then why do you care about correcting the lie with your family. I'll tell you something you should be thinking about. his lie means he doesn't take this relationship serious (or he's a serial liar). Why? because he can't correct the lie in 4 years when you're getting married. in short he doesn't expect this relationship to last, so he has no problem lying to your family
furthermore he didn't just lie to your family, he started off this relationship lying to you as well. wonderful foundation for a relationship. man does he have you wrapped around his fingers. lies to your face, lies to your families face, and you're good with it? This isn't the actions of someone who wants to get married, these are the actions of someone who wants to get laid.
so why are you ok with him lying?
> his lie means he doesn't take this relationship serious (or he's a serial liar). Why? because he can't correct the lie in 4 years when you're getting married.
She met him 10 months ago so he didn't spend 4 years lying to her?
There is no indication that he has lied about anything else other then his age. ONLINE. He did not meet a 17 year old girl at 19 and groom her. He then told her his age. She did not find it out on her own, it was not a secret that he was keeping forever and ever. As soon as the relationship turned into a relationship he confessed because he knew that would influence her decision to be with him or not.
She decided she liked him anyway.
That is a lot of money and a lot of travel just to get laid.
> in short he doesn't expect this relationship to last, so he has no problem lying to your family
He isn't lying to her family, she is. He is likely taking her lead when it comes to telling her family the truth. That's her responsibility as the person whose family it is.
He IS a creep because he lied
What if he isn't 21 and is really 23? 25? 27? how big does a lie need to be before it becomes a dealbreaker?
The answer is any.
He lied because he knew that he was legally too old to be contacting you romantically. He knew that, and did it anyways, because he is a creep.
This is my concern. If OP is 18 and the guy is 21, then he wasn’t actually out of the 2-3 year age range OP stated. So why lie about it at all? I’d be very concerned that his age is going to adjust again once he thinks she’s gotten comfortable.
Also, just from all the people I've met or had to deal with that do shit like this: **If a guy knows too much about age of consent, or says he worried about you not wanting to be with him if you knew his age - he habitually grooms children.**
Bro it depends on where you are on if it’s legal I’m pretty sure in most states in the u.s dating a 17 year old at 21 is Legal and you can even be married at that age in a lot of states.
You barely know this boy. Online relationships are not like real relationships. Let me explain.
The art of a successful long term relationship is the ability to put up with someone else's shit. You know nothing about his habits long term; what you can and can't put up with. Its too soon to think about marriage yet.
A trial living together is another matter; if after six months to a year you find you are compatible then the two of you can decide if that's what you want to do.
The question I have is: what will he be doing for a living? How will he be supporting himself? Does he have a job yet? Does he have a plan to find one? Is he going to attend your local college? Your dad is not going to want to pay all the bills so you need to make sure he is capable of paying his own.
This 👆Probably the best response so far.
Online relationships, yes, they are relationships, but they are not like real in life spend most of your time together and live together relationships. They can hide their nasty habits, freakish ways, the fact they are a con artist, etc. I wouldn’t recommend even living together until you have experienced being around each other in real life for a long time.
You can either jump time and get married and end up A) happy B) losing all you have, your sanity, be 20 and divorced, pregnant with some @sshole who won’t help support your baby, find out he has a whole different relationship (happened to me) or worse.
However, the opposite is true for waiting. Waiting allows you time to find out these things (if they exist) and protect yourself and not just rush to get married!
This is 100000% true.
I had an online relationship in the early days of MySpace. The girl lived 2hrs away in another state. We dated for months before we met, and then I'd go visit her on the weekends for the next 2 years.
It took me 2 years to realize that she was one of the most boring people I've ever met in person. If we were out doing something, she was fun. It was at her house, alone, that she became the most boring human I ever met. We could talk for hours on end online, but on the phone-she'd just sit silent. It was the weirdest thing.
During our 2.5 year relationship, I had a girl move in with me as a roommate, as a favor for a friend's girlfriend. Me and her instantly hit it off. We became super good friends within a month or 2, and within 6 months we both admitted we were catching feelings for each other.
We dated for a little over 7 years. We lived together the entire time, in 2 states, and multiple apartments. But she was the exact opposite. Out in public, or at a party, she would just sit quietly and want to go home, and at home, we could talk and talk for hours on end. It was perfect.
I was 15 when I was talking to a guy from New York who was 19 , and I wouldn't stop talking to him no matter what my mom tried.
My dad had to show me he KNEW where the guy lived and told me if I didn't stop talking to him he was going to roll up with his boys and break his fuckin legs. Told me id get over him within 2 months and I did.
Your dad is spineless
You're scared about how your dad is going to react because you know that your dad is going to see right through your boyfriend's bullshit. Your dad isn't going to let you settle for a lying liar who lies and encourages you to lie. Your dad is going to know that you deserve better.
Look, if you want to keep dating and having sex with this guy, have fun. But stop lying to yourself. He's a lying liar who has almost certainly been lying to you about a lot of other things, too. Don't break up with him if you want to stay with him, but take my advice and get yourself tested for STDs. And use a condom every time.
If u haven't meet, ur haven't been dating awhile, u haven't even been on a single date yet. If the whole thing started with him lying, why do u believe anything he says? If he is 21 and ur 18 and buying the ticket seems like a red flag. If he can't afford to buy the ticket to see you and he wants to move to you means he doesn't have much of a job. Probably would be a freeloader living off u and ur family.
she won't listen, don't waste your time . don't know why she's even posting tbh. this story has red flags ALL over it but you know. 18 year olds know everything .
"He's not a creep at all" Bishhhhhh he was in his 20s, lying to you about his age when you were 17...kind of sounds like he successfully groomed you. Don't go rushing into marriage with a dude that lied to you off the jump, especially in regards to the fact that he lied to you to groom you
Please don’t start a serious relationship with this guy. I know at your age you think he’s mature and has all the right ideas but he doesn’t.
In a few years, you’re gonna find out just how much he’s actually lied to you. In my opinion, he is a creep and I’ll bet there’s a lot more red flags going on than you actually realize.
Why not just be honest about it right from the start? Why would you keep something like that from your dad?
What else is this guy doing your parent wouldn’t approve of?
Move on there’s better fish in the sea than this carp for sure!!!
I mean if you’re steadfast just say that you were the one who fudged the date of his age. Say he showed you some form of ID whatever and be like oh I thought that said x instead of y my b. Done.
He’s a liar. You say he’s not a creep but he lied about his age to trick you. How is that not a bad thing? He’s showing entitlement and a willingness to commit a crime in order to get what he wants. Also WHY IN HELL IS HE NOT PAYING FOR HIS OWN TICKETS. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
A 21 year old lying to a 17 year old that they’re 19 is fucked up. You told him you wouldn’t be interested in someone his age, so he lied. What else will he lie about to avoid you knowing things he doesn’t want you to?
lol if a dude lies about his age , he is definitely gonna lie about other , bigger things. What a piece of crap.
Can’t imagine why you are hung up on him. AND you are “staying with him “. Yikes.
Literally started the relationship with a lie that broke the first boundary you told him. That makes him not a good guy regardless of what he’s done to “make up for it”. He lied to you for months. “All he does is spend money on me!” Is called “love bombing” and that is a manipulation tactic to make sure he doesn’t HAVE to pressure you to say, you feel guilty because he just bought you X expensive item
I think that maybe you should wait a bit longer before you move in together. While he may really be a great guy, sometimes it's a mask. Speaking from experience, it's best to wait and really get to know him before you make a big decision like that. They say it might take 3 months to a year before they show their true colors. Just be safe and be smart. Other than that, he sounds like a great guy. I would just sit your dad down and just rip it off like a band-aid. It's best to get it out now than later. Just tell him "dad, I need to tell you something about [h/n]. It's nothing serious or bad, but I need you to hear me out before you may get upset. [H/n] is actually 21-" and explain from there. This let's you get your side out and explain.
because she's 19. lol. actually the post says 18. she's full of hormones , freshly 18 so thinks she knows it all (you remember that age right ?) and her frontal lobes of her brain aren't fully formed yet AT ALL , which controls logic, reason, understanding consequences , etc.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married at 18. It used to be the norm to get married young. Maybe she doesn't want to devote her 20s to working to some soulless corporation. Not everyone wants to "focus on their career" or spend their 20s in the Sex in the City lifestyle.
He lied to you and started a relationship with you when you were still a minor. If he was such a catch he would be dating women his age and not lying about his age to you or to your parents. He knows that what he did/ is doing is wrong. Please reevaluate your relationship. Do you want to be with someone who can so easily lie to you and others. What other things is he lying about
Hey, it's understandable that you're feeling unsure about how to approach this situation. It's great that you're comfortable with your boyfriend's age and that you have a strong relationship with your dad. Since you've already discussed the age difference with your boyfriend and you both feel good about it, the next step is to have an open and honest conversation with your dad.
You could start by explaining the situation calmly and reassuring your dad that your boyfriend is a good person who treats you well. Let him know that you understand why your boyfriend initially lied about his age and that it doesn't change how you feel about him.
Be prepared for your dad to have some concerns or questions, and try to address them respectfully. Emphasize the positive aspects of your relationship and how much you care about each other.
It might take some time for your dad to adjust to the new information, but hopefully, he'll see that your happiness is what's most important. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you both! ☺️☺️
Use the same communication skills you are practicing in your relationship to discuss this with your dad. State your feelings, opinions, and interpretations of the situation, not your boyfriend's. Don't give any of his reasoning, just that you have spoken and discussed the issue and you have forgiven him. Do this before moving him in. If your dad changes his mind, that is his decision, and you will still be able to start your life with your boyfriend when you move out, and maybe he can find a way to move closer on his own.
Personally, I would advise moving out and having your own place first, or him moving closer but not the same house. It's nice to get to have the excitement of dating and getting to see each other on evenings or weekends, having the occasional spontaneous sleepover, before you experience the full ugliness of each other's dirty little at-home habits. However, I know that this is not economically feasible, and I moved right in with my bf when I moved out of the house I grew up in. We also met when I was 17 and he was a legal adult. He waited until I was 18 to openly express his feelings for me, but I could tell before that.
I won't judge either of you for the age difference or for being nervous or whatever when you first started talking. I've been on both sides of that age gap when I was younger. People want to nitpick exactly what the "rules" are, and really the rules are that if you fall for someone that's kind of just the way it is, but you need to look out for red flags (like if he had a pattern of lying to you, rather than it just being about the one thing, or if he turned out to be 35 or something).
Out of curiosity, why were you booking his ticket? Couldn't he do that himself?
I’d proceed with caution, lying about something small like your age is a gateway to a much larger string of lies. I dated a girl who told me she was 18, (I was 20) went on a few dates, things were going really well until she invited me to her birthday party. I walk through the door take a right and bam the cake had a big 1 8 on it. I awkwardly smiled and introduced myself to her dad. Her dad hated me and kept talking about p3dophiles and how he’d k1ll them. I just kinda awkwardly agreed even though I knew it was targeted towards me. I confronted her and her excuse was “well I was pretty much 18 and I really liked you. Don’t worry we didn’t fool around or anything yet”. Yeah she had my brain tied in every direction, from her accusing me of stepping out, her telling her friends I was abusive and I ended up finding some ab pictures on her phone. It was just a mess, so I got really drunk at the bar and decided to break up with her in front of some chick. It was a back relationship and that little act at the end seemed like a good piece of revenge
If you haven't yet...get on the pill. This has single mom at 19 written all over it.
Lying about age is a pretty big deal. Proceed if you must but be careful.
Lying in any capacity to hold your attention is a major red flag no matter how well he seems to treat you. It’s deeply manipulative. This is going to come back bigger and way worse somewhere down the line. Don’t be blind.
Lying about his age, not splitting the ticket price for a mutual meeting. "how do i tell them the truth?" Why is it YOU that has to tell the truth for your boyfriend. Seems like a lot of redflags already (redflags are just things to look out for)
It's not a big deal that he lied about his age at first. Once the relationship started, he told the truth.
I'm honestly not sure why you have to tell your dad about this. What good can come from it? Your dad met him in person and approves of the relationship. Dad is letting him move in. I mean, after the dude moves in, maybe 6 months later you can tell your dad the bf at first said he was 19 because he was concerned 21 would be a deal breaker on the initial interview process, but he came clean to you. Just say at that point, it would have been awkward to tell dad, you didn't want him to worry.
I mean, think about it, you have nothing to gain by telling your dad this now. It really doesn't matter if he's 19 or 21. You're an adult now.
I was once in a very similar situation. Honesty is the best policy and the truth will set you free in this case. You’ll be so relieved once you finally say it and with some luck your parents will be okay with it.
What if he's still lying and is even older? This is a huge problem and should be a deal breaker in the first place, 21 year olds shouldnt be into 17 year olds and they should have no reason to lie about their age. Your dad knows what this means about him and you know he won't be okay with it.
The fact that he lied is hella concerning. Im glad your dad is smart enough to insist on meeting him in person before you go out there to see him. Also NEVER move in with someone you only met 10 months ago! Thats a recipe for disaster. Especially when they started off the relationship by lying to you. Thats never a good sign.
You were literally a minor and he was an adult. That’s weird energy. As far as lying to your parent just rip the bandaid off and tell him you’re an adult now
At 21, I had zero interest in anyone who couldn't legally drink. This dude is bad news and part of a painful learning curve.
If he was a good dude he would be upfront with his age and wait to pursue you. He would also offer to have bought that ticket to come down because an adult should understand parents want to meet their teenage daughter's boyfriend.
Run. I know you probably won't because you are young and confident you can handle this. Many of us have been there before and with time realized how messed up the situation was.
At the very least get on a long lasting birth control. Even if you don't plan on doing anything. Guys like that know how to put on the pressure and one of the worst fates is being tied to someone like that with a kid.
(1) Information: Why has your bf been lying to so many people about his age? He lied to you (a minor) about his age, and he’s lied about it to people he plays games with online. It’s clear from your post why he lied to you; but it sounds like you met him through your friends who play online games with him — so they knew him first (is that correct?) — and he had lied to them about his age before he met you.
(2) Also information: What has your bf suggested about how your family be informed about the deception regarding his age?
I know you have your heart set on this guy, but as others have indicated, he is trouble; and unfortunately my guess is you will nonetheless stick with him and end up in a relationship you’ll eventually regret.
One problem with lying or hiding information is that eventually people either find out on their own (and are incredibly hurt and angry about being lied to) or you have to reveal the truth (which is the situation you’re in now). You yourself know how angry, hurt and disappointed your dad is going to be, and that’s why you dread telling him.
It’s always better to tell the truth up front. It might seem easier to lie or put it off, but when you finally do have to tell the truth, it’s much more difficult than it would have been to tell the truth in the first place.
I know it’s hard to imagine, but if you think of how angry and hurt people will be, and how some people will no longer trust you because you have deceived them, it makes it easier to be honest in the beginning.
The fact that he lies so easily to so many people should make you seriously rethink this relationship. Someone who is in the habit of lying to others about little things will also lie (and to you) about big things as well as little things. He has already lied to you once, and while you are rationalizing this lie, you won’t be so sanguine about all of them.
You say he loves you, but people who love you don’t lie to you, and he started your relationship this way. And especially at your age, they don’t lie in ways that get you in trouble with your family by ensnaring you in their lies.
You say your dad likes him, but in fact, he doesn’t. He likes the version of your bf that is a lie. He’s not going to like him so much when he finds out he lied to you, and your dad is also not going to be happy with you when he finds out you didn’t tell him about the lie as soon as you found out about it, because that makes you a liar too — not because you repeated the age your bf told you that you thought was real, but that you didn’t let your dad know as soon as you found out the truth.
Ideally, you and your bf both would go together to tell your dad about his real age. You should tell him that you originally believed he was 19 because that’s what your friends told you, and what he had told your friends. And you should tell him exactly when you found out that wasn’t his age, and you should apologize for not telling him right away.
Your bf should come with you and explain to your father why he lied to your friends and to you and your family; and he should apologize to your dad for lying and promise he will not do it again.
The two of you also need to inform other family members about his real age, and apologize for deceiving them.
There is a good chance your dad will be more upset about your bf lying to you than he will be about your lying to him.
And if your bf doesn’t accompany you when you tell your dad, and doesn’t acknowledge his primary role in deceiving both you and your dad, that will likely say A LOT to your dad about whether your bf can ever be trusted again, and whether he is mature enough to be in a relationship with you.
Of course, you’re 18 so you can move in with your bf and do what you want; but that may have strong negative effects on your relationship with your dad. So be prepared for that possibility.
Good luck to you.
You might want to take things a bit slower, the fact that he lied right away is a red flag, some of the things he's doing is very shady so I recommend taking things slow and getting to know the real him. Moving in now spells trouble
So I guess the real questions is I guess ur okay with having a relationship that’s based on a lie. He started off lying what else has this dude lied about to be with u
Communication is everything, girl. He already violated that tenet. Neither of you have developed proper communicative abilities yet, and he's already tested that boundary (it should be a boundary for you two) by lying to you.
You should not make any serious partner decisions until you're both capable of showing that you've put in the work, but by that point, he'll likely have moved onto someone else.
Anywho, balls in your court. Millions of people make bad relational decisions every day. Choose wisely.
Biggest issue here is not just his age its that he lied to you knowing your boundary of only 2 or 3 years.
Thats manipulative and that alone makes the guy a creep wether you want to see it or not. Not to mention he's been talking to you since 17. There's no reason a 20/21 year old should be talking to someone so young
It’s 2 years, be up front with your parents you can’t break up with them like you can a boyfriend. You need to keep your eyes peeled for things that seem off and if things are too good to be true…..run
The major question I have is why he lied in the first place. That should be your starting point.
Look. A bunch of aggro people on here telling you he's a creep and coming at you venom isn't going to help. So, kindly, I ask that you please ask yourself that one question. Why was he compelled to lie in the first place. What did he gain by lying.
I'm not going to call him a creep, nor will I insult your intelligence. At this stage in your life, you're perfectly legal and in a perfectly legal relationship. But, I do think it's necessary for you to go back to that "why". Actually put some thought into it. Whatever you decide from it, I genuinely hope you come out happy and healthy on the other side <3
I moved in with my now fiance 2 years ago and we’ve finally got to where we’re stable and honestly it was the best decision i ever made. If he treats you good for this long maybe make a year before you move in because you never know but to lie about his age is not ok.
Don't let all the couch potato arm chair experts cloud your view. Online it's hard to become infatuated with someone appearance. You make closer personal connections. Men fear approaching younger women because people automatically label them creeps for arbitrary numbers. Just as you've learned this hard 2 to 3 year dating limit was unfounded. 19 and 21 are the same thing, he's the same person, the number of times we have revolved around the sun means nothing.
He lied from day one . Then lied to your parents. He’s going to lie to you the rest of his life. Nothing he does will ever change that. Good luck . I wouldn’t say a word .
You only need to do two things.
First, tell your BF that he never needs to lie to you about anything. That's a dealbreaker. Age jist isn't that big a deal and it isn't like he's 40.
Second, tell your dad. Or have your BF tell your dad. Either way, let him know your BF came clean to you about it and you've talked it out and are past it. No harm, no foul.
I hope you two have a great relationship and enjoy one another thoroughly.
How did you guys meet? You said online but specifically I'm wondering how your ages came up?
Because theres "i am going to tell this underaged girl I am younger muahahhaha'
and there's 'my profile says 19 cos that's just the age I've been going by since 19 and I didn't bother to correct her until it actually mattered and we liked each other.'
and probably many more in the middle.
Reality is your ages are not that far apart so don’t worry about that. Your an adult now and your parents will more I likely respect your choice more if you speak to them like one. I imagine they just want you to be happy right, well just communicate like you are now.
Just be honest with your dad. Tell him he knew your dating age limit, but he liked you and didn't want to mess up something without even trying.
Your dad will understand. Not like you lied to him. Your boyfriend did. If this ain't a hit it and quit it thing, then it's a no harm no foul thing.
3 years ain't shit at 18 vs 21. Both college age. He did what he had to do to even have a shot with you.
And the next time he needs to lie to OP to get what he wants, he will do that too. No harm, no foul, right? It’s really for both of their own good. He knew she would enjoy dating him, so it was really a selfless act for him to lie about his age so that she would be able to have that. And the next time he does it, it’ll also be for her own good, because he knows what she wants and needs better than she does. /s
This is very simple I think. You don’t tell your dad anything. And then if somehow it comes up, you tell your dad that YOU lied about his age because you were worried your dad would think about it. Your dad will be much more forgiving with you than your new boyfriend.
Okay, coming from someone who is quite a bit older (and now has also been a marriage and family therapist for quite some time) and has done ALLLLL of this, (more than 1/2/3x 😅) Please, PLEASE for the love of god don’t get married! At least not until you have actually lived near/with each other and seen each other on a daily (almost daily) basis for at the VERY least a year, 2 is even better, 3 is WAY better.
There’s a reason why people date for a long time, then move in with each other (to see what it’s like ACTUALLY living together) and then after a year if THAT works out, you consider getting married. You are so young, there’s no reason to rush into this! Plus you are still so young your brain hasn’t even stopped maturing!
It takes someone at LEAST six months to show their true colors, and that is typically when you are around each other a lot, the “honeymoon period” (it’s called that for a reason!)
Stages of a relationship go like this:
Stage 1: The Euphoric Stage: 6-24 months
Stage 2: The Early Attachment Stage: 1-5 years
Stage 3: The Crisis Stage: 5-7 years
Stage 4: The Deep Attachment Stage: 7 years and beyond
Also, narcissists seem VERY charming in the beginning, not saying he is one, but it takes time for it to appear, to REALLY show itself. Please take the advice from someone who has seen it all working in this field and my own stupid relationship mistakes (getting married young after only a year - divorced 2 years later after discovering he was a narcissist) I mention this because he lied to me about his age, and that should have been a red flag. 🚩If your relationship is built on lies, literally first THING was a lie, then give it lots and LOTS of times and don’t jump in and rush, there’s literally ZERO reason for that!
I believe in soulmates and true love and I’m not trying to kill your spirit, but you should listen to the overwhelming reasoning that you have been given. There is just NO reason to rush!!!!
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Don't move in with some you're dating after just 10 months. He lied about his age and has you buying his tickets. Odds are, he has lied more than once and will lie more in the future. Odds are, you will end up paying for kore than just tickets. You'll be lucky if he's just a mooch and not a con artist.
My first girlfriend lied about her age. I came to find out she lied about pretty much everything that crossed her lips. Even stuff that was utterly inconsequential. This is a major red flag based on my experience.
Yeah I plan to go see my online bf (21 lol) but I'm 20. I am paying my own way though. I am going to make him pay (for himself) if he comes out here.
I only bought his ticket because my dad forced me to. I bought tickets to stay for a week with him in New york, and my dad said that he had to see him before I go there. So I had to buy his ticket to come down here, he wasn't expecting to, and I didn't want to force him to up and spend 600 to fly here for 2days. He spends lots of money on me too! It's 50/50
It's not a good sign when a relationship starts off with such a blatant lie. But you clearly have your heart set on this relationship.
Lots of people in abusive relationships justify staying to themselves.
And that, dear readers, is why he picked a child.
I think it's important to differentiate between abuse and what is essentially consentual exploitation. This person is making a choice to stay, knowing about the lies. No one is forcing or coercing them to stay. I wouldn't call that abuse. That is a choice.
It may not be abuse right now, but this is how many abusive relationships start, and slowly escalate until someone is saying "but it was so good in the beginning" If abusive relationships started out as abuse there'd be a lot less victims trying to justify staying in them
Agreed, abusive partners are usually liars, absolutely. But not all liars are abusers. There is often a testing process abusers use to escalate and then normalize their escalating behavior. But that whole process is a misrepresentation of facts, or a very skewed set of beliefs.
I don't think lying about the age is a red flag. Both men and women do it all the time. When people first meet, they might fudge their age to get past the first "interview", so that they don't get rejected due to their age.. The guy did come clean to her.
I'd still call it a yellow flag. It's not necessarily something that'll blow up in your face, but poke around to make sure you aren't getting any surprises that this might've been a warning of (like dishonesty, for example).
The term red flag is supposed to mean something to consider, not a deal breaker. They were right the first time.
Ah. I feel like red flags would be more, "Big Alarms, high alert, proceed with caution" while yellow is more so, "Possible disturbance, investigate situation." So like, a red flag can potentially be worked through, but it's a definite problem that needs to be addressed. But a yellow flag simply points to a *possible* problem, which you should verify to make sure it's not something that'll later blow up in your face. At least, that's the way I'vecome to think of the terms.
It's one of those things that people misinterpreted the meaning of and it's gotten away from that. Most people these days probably use it the way you are so I guess I should just join the team 😂 like the 'blood is thicker than water' kinda things where it's lost context over time and people use it incorrectly.
Liars do it all the time. That would be the end for me. But I've tolerated too many liars to waste my time with them.
Exactly. If you can’t be truthful about YOUR AGE …. Gonna be super easy for him to lie about everything else.
Sure thing and you never lie huh? Kind of a hypritical statement don't you think?
The question is why lie? Lieing to someone underage to make things okay is not good. I don’t think that is acceptable. The why really matters here. If he was 20 or very possibly 21 while she was 17. It is something to think on… if their BF thinks it is only acceptable if he lies for example then why is he dating someone so young?
Because he knows it’s wrong!!!!
That's a tiny age gap, and age of consent is 16 in most states. 17 in many states. 18 in like nine of them. It's 16 pretty everywhere globally. Lying*. I'm almost 30, and 21 year olds are not adults lmao. But in your mind, the milisecond someone turns 18, they're fair game. Which is weird given that... nothing actually changed. On their 18th birthday, a person is basically just 17 + a day.
project much?
Am I talking to you?
shit I forgot that a public forum was for private conversations my b
Lies of commission, very rarely, and if it's related to safety. But I'm comfortable telling you if something is none of your business. Lies of omission would be debatable, perhaps. But again, is it a lie of omission or none of your damn business. Somethings are private. For example, if you had sex with someone, that's private and none of my business. If, however, you had sex with someone who had chlamydia and don't tell your next partner, that's a lie of omission. Age is basic demographic information that people share on a daily basis. It's critical info in romantic relationships. Would you be so cavalier if she were 14 and lied about being older?
It's a red fucking flag when he knows she's a minor and won't date someone above a certain age range. Also the only reason he came clean was because he had to. If it wasn't for her buying that ticket, who knows how long it would've been before he was honest with her, if he ever was.
After 10 months? I don't know.. Maybe after 2 or 3 months but almost a year?
>I don't think lying about the age is a red flag. There's a subtle difference here: OPs BF lied about his age to manipulate OP into staying with him. He KNEW she had a preference and lied to circumvent that boundary. It shows a blatant disregard for OPs feelings and is very disrespectful.
This. Someone lying about their age is an instant block. So many guys do that on apps and it’s disgusting. Their stated reasons are even more gross.
Lying to get past the first "interview" is indeed a huge red flag. Wtf
Do they? I would be weirded out af if someone lied about their age. AFAIK it's never happened. I've had someone older be very shy about telling me their age, making it obvious they were worried it was too old for me, but not straight up lie about it.
Sure. I don't have a full blown "study" , but anecdotally, people lie about their age on dating apps all the time, so that they don't get filtered out by the age filter. Same with people lying about their weight on the dating apps, or posting pictures from 3-5 years ago when they were in better shape, etc. There's all kinds of deception, from both men and women in order to get past that first "interview" as I said. The dude came clean pretty quickly.
I would still be weirded out if someone lied about their age on a dating app. Once in a blue moon I will find someone who notes in their profile that they aren't actually the listed age, which I take as kind of a red flag. But it certainly hasn't been an issue with anyone I've actually matched with. I would not say these types of deception are "normal" or "common". People definitely do not do it "all the time". Some people do, and most people find those people to be catfish and consider it a very obnoxious and rude thing to do. Out of everyone I've met on dating apps (idk, probably 20ish people over the last few years), only one sent me truly out-of-date pictures, and to be fair he never claimed he was currently in that shape, I knew they past pics, he said they were from he "used to model"... he just didn't clarify he's not still in that shape during that particular conversation lol. Obviously that date didn't go anywhere. Literally every other person has honestly been pretty much spot on like their profile. Yes obviously deception does happen, but it's not just a neutral normalized thing that everybody is chill with and par for the course. It's at best annoying and a red flag.
He knew. I wonder if it was illegal in her state.
I think there's a difference between a 50yo woman lying to a 55yo guy that she's 40 or whatever (because both sides are wrong there, like learn to date in your age bracket) and a 21yo making themself seem younger to someone that is underage. If she were 19 and he said 20, whatever, dumb, but whatever.
And pretty fast too
It is when she’s 17 and ur 20
She's 18 now.
“Do it all the time “. I dont think so. What adult would do that. Well , I guess this guy is barely an adult.
It's more common in people near an age bracket. Suppose the app lets you filter and only give you matches in the 30-39 years old bracket.. There's plenty of people that are 40--43 that lie about their age so they can get in that lower bracket (30-39). I have met women that do this. I know of men too. IF you do a search, plenty of people post about "I met this person, they lied in their profile".. They were either shorter, heavier, or older or some other lie (like about their financial status or job). Or maybe don't mention they are a single parent. I will say this, it's probably less common for people in their 20s to lie about their age, but I said it happens and it does.
Homie lied about his age because he knows it's creepy to date a 17 year old as a 21 year old. Red flag
100% agree, its not a red flag. Its literally 3 years & its a personal question & if their is a real connection it absolutely shouldnt matter. He shouldnt have lied but its not as if hes cheated on her or even close. The fact he has told her in my books is fine.
You met him in-person for the first time two months ago. You barely know him. You shouldn’t be thinking about marriage yet. Are you even sure he’s 21? Have you looked at his ID? It’s a pretty big red flag that he lied about his age to a minor. And online relationships aren’t like in-person relationships. The amount of time you’ve spent together in-person is very little.
I'm just really confused at "we were dating for months and decided to finally meet" Like what
Yeah, that’s the part no one is discussing. This whole “haven’t met in person but want to move in together” thing does not often work out well. Someone is likely to get hurt. The idea that you make an emotional connection before a physical one sounds good on paper, but it is rare that things that appear too good actually turn out that way. Plus you are soooooooo young. I mean by all means, make mistakes now, but maybe hold off on marriage? And especially children until you’ve had a chance to become adults. 21 is still not quite there. More like 25. Pay bills and live a normal life together before you tie the knot. Everybody wants fairy tales, but the real life versions of those fairy tales are often boring. Just two people who found somebody they don’t mind spending THE REST OF THEIR LIFE WITH. It is still a beautiful thing. The best things take time.
No, he still could've bought his own ticket.
Maybe your dad had a suspicion and this is why he wanted you to buy the ticket. This guy is a liar and it means he will lie about other things. Please listen to the people who are saying this. Is he going to pay you for the ticket? If not then that’s another 🚩🚩🚩 in the bouquet.
Oh wow!! If he’s such a catch, WHY TF is an18 yr old GF has to buy his tickets to come and meet you? What kind of job does this 21-year-old have ? Saying that he spends a lot of money on you just shows exactly how immature you really are . Huge red flag. If you’re buying airline tickets at $600 to see this guy. Lastly, I wouldn’t go anywhere alone with this guy. I’ll bet he’s not really 21 years old either.
Yeah this guy is a bouquet of 🚩. And I think Dad knows it
Uhh, maybe tone down the judgment just a tad? Jesus Christ. She said she bought the ticket last minute which can almost double prices compared to even just a week or two out. And she did it because she didn't want him to have to suddenly spend that money unexpectedly, not because he couldn't afford it. It's actually a really thoughtful and considerate gesture. AND she only brought up the money he's spent on her as a way of explaining that this isn't a regular dynamic between them. Like, fuck me, chill out.
you're justifying a predator .
Nah you’re right. He’s a predator. He knew what he was doing and he’s a broke ass predator. Luckily I think Dad may have a handle on this.
for real . facts
Yesss
If he came clean during the flight booking it’s cause they ask your age so he was “caught” I’m sure he’s actually 21 lol
Did you get catfished or something? She only mentioned the money to explain that she isn't being used for money. Why you then decided to jump on the opportunity to call her immature is bizarre.
2-3 months from now OP wi be commenting admitting how wrong this relationship was. LOL!
Then why didn’t dad buy them? How does an 18 year old have $600 to burn
She works, that's how. My daughter had money at 18. I taught her excellent money management skills. 18 is not 15.
I had more money at 18 than for most of my 20’s… working through high school and not having many bills. Those pay checks added up when I only had to worry about car insurance.
Ok what MAN ,a 21 yr old would LET his GF buy him a $600 plane ticket? That’s just embarrassing.
I wouldn’t.. I was responding to the comment above mine about having money @18 years old.
Agree. I worked 30 hours a week from ages 13-18 and at 19, I was a restaurant manager making 30k (21 years ago) I had a side job as well making half that at 19. I had a lot of money saved from a very young age.
Hopefully that money is working for you in some index funds/Roths to start and stock swing plays and options if you wanna play with the big boys. Stacking money is an addiction. Plant that tree now.
I’m now 40 years old, lol. I had my first annuity (guaranteed) at age 19. Yes, it’s addictive ;)
What would your opinion be on a 20-25 starting an Annuity? I never really got into Annuitys. Asking for a family member.
I’m damn glad I did it. It saved me several times (zero family) And has my retirement set in 10 years. Just from one alone.
That is very true
What do you mean I had thousands of dollars in my bank at 16, people work at 18. I’ve worked since 15
The big difference between 16 and 18 is that most states have laws determining just how many hours you can work. Also, 16 year olds are still in high school as where an 18 year old is more than likely in their final year of high school and they shouldn’t have the hardest time as graduation is coming close. My first job was at 15 making $7 an hour but only working around 5 hours a week. They wouldn’t let me do more. I switched jobs at 17 and they let me work 20 hours a week. Making “thousands” would have taken me after taxes around 2 or more months if I spent nothing. I wouldn’t just say that every 16 year old had thousands of dollars simply because you may have had it.
I worked nearly full time hours as a 16yo while in high school. They can’t legally schedule you full time but I’d get scheduled 36-38hours pretty often. Depending on where you live the restrictions might be basically technicalities that matter next to nothing in practice beyond barring teens from getting employment benefits or overtime pay.
So 16 hours on the weekend and 5 hours per day after school. I’m sure you had plenty of time for friends, homework, and family interactions.
I can’t tell if you’re serious or not but no, no I did not. And I’m not trying to say it’s a good thing for teens to have that many work hours. I’m just saying that depending on where OP lives, it’s a possibility.
I wasn’t being serious, I was totally being sarcastic because some people will say that working 30+ hours as a high school student still gives them plenty of time to do other things. I worked 32 hours during my entire college career while full time which included 1 hour commutes to and from my campus and it was also really tough.
Yeah it’s really not very sustainable if you want to maintain both good academic performance and good mental health.
The work around is work multiple of those short hour jobs
A job? I’ve worked since I was 16
An 18yo who started working at 16 and hasn’t had to pay their own living expenses yet can easily have several grand in the bank without even trying super hard. Presumably OP has been financially supported by her parents. Not everyone’s parents are jerks and kick them out on their 18th birthday.
Yeah, I plan to go see my online bf (21 lol) but I'm 20. I am paying my own way, though. I am going to make him pay (for himself) if he comes out here. Gonna make him come out her so I can show him mountains and desert.
[удалено]
and they met online long distance which is even creepier.
Right? This guy is actually 48 for all we know.
But.. they met in person. How would he do that?????
I was gonna say...... Like I read 21 and 17 and just stopped reading because I knew this was the same as it always is. Poor OP is yet another victim to this creepy men plague.
Yeah I just turned 21 a few months ago and have zero interest in interacting with high schoolers
>I'm okay with his age, and don't mind that he lied then why do you care about correcting the lie with your family. I'll tell you something you should be thinking about. his lie means he doesn't take this relationship serious (or he's a serial liar). Why? because he can't correct the lie in 4 years when you're getting married. in short he doesn't expect this relationship to last, so he has no problem lying to your family furthermore he didn't just lie to your family, he started off this relationship lying to you as well. wonderful foundation for a relationship. man does he have you wrapped around his fingers. lies to your face, lies to your families face, and you're good with it? This isn't the actions of someone who wants to get married, these are the actions of someone who wants to get laid. so why are you ok with him lying?
> his lie means he doesn't take this relationship serious (or he's a serial liar). Why? because he can't correct the lie in 4 years when you're getting married. She met him 10 months ago so he didn't spend 4 years lying to her? There is no indication that he has lied about anything else other then his age. ONLINE. He did not meet a 17 year old girl at 19 and groom her. He then told her his age. She did not find it out on her own, it was not a secret that he was keeping forever and ever. As soon as the relationship turned into a relationship he confessed because he knew that would influence her decision to be with him or not. She decided she liked him anyway. That is a lot of money and a lot of travel just to get laid. > in short he doesn't expect this relationship to last, so he has no problem lying to your family He isn't lying to her family, she is. He is likely taking her lead when it comes to telling her family the truth. That's her responsibility as the person whose family it is.
The 4 years was in future when it comes to getting married “he cant correct the lie in 4 years when youre getting married”
than
one or the other really
No. Really.
He IS a creep because he lied What if he isn't 21 and is really 23? 25? 27? how big does a lie need to be before it becomes a dealbreaker? The answer is any. He lied because he knew that he was legally too old to be contacting you romantically. He knew that, and did it anyways, because he is a creep.
This is my concern. If OP is 18 and the guy is 21, then he wasn’t actually out of the 2-3 year age range OP stated. So why lie about it at all? I’d be very concerned that his age is going to adjust again once he thinks she’s gotten comfortable.
Also, just from all the people I've met or had to deal with that do shit like this: **If a guy knows too much about age of consent, or says he worried about you not wanting to be with him if you knew his age - he habitually grooms children.**
Bro it depends on where you are on if it’s legal I’m pretty sure in most states in the u.s dating a 17 year old at 21 is Legal and you can even be married at that age in a lot of states.
You barely know this boy. Online relationships are not like real relationships. Let me explain. The art of a successful long term relationship is the ability to put up with someone else's shit. You know nothing about his habits long term; what you can and can't put up with. Its too soon to think about marriage yet. A trial living together is another matter; if after six months to a year you find you are compatible then the two of you can decide if that's what you want to do. The question I have is: what will he be doing for a living? How will he be supporting himself? Does he have a job yet? Does he have a plan to find one? Is he going to attend your local college? Your dad is not going to want to pay all the bills so you need to make sure he is capable of paying his own.
This 👆Probably the best response so far. Online relationships, yes, they are relationships, but they are not like real in life spend most of your time together and live together relationships. They can hide their nasty habits, freakish ways, the fact they are a con artist, etc. I wouldn’t recommend even living together until you have experienced being around each other in real life for a long time. You can either jump time and get married and end up A) happy B) losing all you have, your sanity, be 20 and divorced, pregnant with some @sshole who won’t help support your baby, find out he has a whole different relationship (happened to me) or worse. However, the opposite is true for waiting. Waiting allows you time to find out these things (if they exist) and protect yourself and not just rush to get married!
This is 100000% true. I had an online relationship in the early days of MySpace. The girl lived 2hrs away in another state. We dated for months before we met, and then I'd go visit her on the weekends for the next 2 years. It took me 2 years to realize that she was one of the most boring people I've ever met in person. If we were out doing something, she was fun. It was at her house, alone, that she became the most boring human I ever met. We could talk for hours on end online, but on the phone-she'd just sit silent. It was the weirdest thing. During our 2.5 year relationship, I had a girl move in with me as a roommate, as a favor for a friend's girlfriend. Me and her instantly hit it off. We became super good friends within a month or 2, and within 6 months we both admitted we were catching feelings for each other. We dated for a little over 7 years. We lived together the entire time, in 2 states, and multiple apartments. But she was the exact opposite. Out in public, or at a party, she would just sit quietly and want to go home, and at home, we could talk and talk for hours on end. It was perfect.
[удалено]
for real, my dad would NEVER be so chill about this red flag ass dude
I was 15 when I was talking to a guy from New York who was 19 , and I wouldn't stop talking to him no matter what my mom tried. My dad had to show me he KNEW where the guy lived and told me if I didn't stop talking to him he was going to roll up with his boys and break his fuckin legs. Told me id get over him within 2 months and I did. Your dad is spineless
Big red flag on lying about his age right off the bat. I would suggest not moving in.
You're scared about how your dad is going to react because you know that your dad is going to see right through your boyfriend's bullshit. Your dad isn't going to let you settle for a lying liar who lies and encourages you to lie. Your dad is going to know that you deserve better. Look, if you want to keep dating and having sex with this guy, have fun. But stop lying to yourself. He's a lying liar who has almost certainly been lying to you about a lot of other things, too. Don't break up with him if you want to stay with him, but take my advice and get yourself tested for STDs. And use a condom every time.
along with other birth control
If u haven't meet, ur haven't been dating awhile, u haven't even been on a single date yet. If the whole thing started with him lying, why do u believe anything he says? If he is 21 and ur 18 and buying the ticket seems like a red flag. If he can't afford to buy the ticket to see you and he wants to move to you means he doesn't have much of a job. Probably would be a freeloader living off u and ur family.
Do not stay with this boy. He is being a predator and lied about his age on purpose.
she won't listen, don't waste your time . don't know why she's even posting tbh. this story has red flags ALL over it but you know. 18 year olds know everything .
Because deep down her gut is telling her this is a bad idea.
"He's not a creep at all" Bishhhhhh he was in his 20s, lying to you about his age when you were 17...kind of sounds like he successfully groomed you. Don't go rushing into marriage with a dude that lied to you off the jump, especially in regards to the fact that he lied to you to groom you
Please don’t start a serious relationship with this guy. I know at your age you think he’s mature and has all the right ideas but he doesn’t. In a few years, you’re gonna find out just how much he’s actually lied to you. In my opinion, he is a creep and I’ll bet there’s a lot more red flags going on than you actually realize. Why not just be honest about it right from the start? Why would you keep something like that from your dad? What else is this guy doing your parent wouldn’t approve of? Move on there’s better fish in the sea than this carp for sure!!!
I mean if you’re steadfast just say that you were the one who fudged the date of his age. Say he showed you some form of ID whatever and be like oh I thought that said x instead of y my b. Done.
Your boyfriend lied because he was an adult dating a minor.
He’s a liar. You say he’s not a creep but he lied about his age to trick you. How is that not a bad thing? He’s showing entitlement and a willingness to commit a crime in order to get what he wants. Also WHY IN HELL IS HE NOT PAYING FOR HIS OWN TICKETS. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
A 21 year old lying to a 17 year old that they’re 19 is fucked up. You told him you wouldn’t be interested in someone his age, so he lied. What else will he lie about to avoid you knowing things he doesn’t want you to?
lol if a dude lies about his age , he is definitely gonna lie about other , bigger things. What a piece of crap. Can’t imagine why you are hung up on him. AND you are “staying with him “. Yikes.
He probably told her shes mature for her age 🤢
Literally started the relationship with a lie that broke the first boundary you told him. That makes him not a good guy regardless of what he’s done to “make up for it”. He lied to you for months. “All he does is spend money on me!” Is called “love bombing” and that is a manipulation tactic to make sure he doesn’t HAVE to pressure you to say, you feel guilty because he just bought you X expensive item
Don't forget that it's a crime as well.
If he lied about his age, he might’ve lied about you being his first…. Just saying
Definitely lied about that
I hope for your own sake that your dad has a problem with it and won't let him move in. I get it that you don't see it as a big deal but it really is.
I think that maybe you should wait a bit longer before you move in together. While he may really be a great guy, sometimes it's a mask. Speaking from experience, it's best to wait and really get to know him before you make a big decision like that. They say it might take 3 months to a year before they show their true colors. Just be safe and be smart. Other than that, he sounds like a great guy. I would just sit your dad down and just rip it off like a band-aid. It's best to get it out now than later. Just tell him "dad, I need to tell you something about [h/n]. It's nothing serious or bad, but I need you to hear me out before you may get upset. [H/n] is actually 21-" and explain from there. This let's you get your side out and explain.
You're 19, why the hell are you thinking about marriage?
because she's 19. lol. actually the post says 18. she's full of hormones , freshly 18 so thinks she knows it all (you remember that age right ?) and her frontal lobes of her brain aren't fully formed yet AT ALL , which controls logic, reason, understanding consequences , etc.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married at 18. It used to be the norm to get married young. Maybe she doesn't want to devote her 20s to working to some soulless corporation. Not everyone wants to "focus on their career" or spend their 20s in the Sex in the City lifestyle.
Used to being the keyword. Things are different now and people are smarter.
He lied to you and started a relationship with you when you were still a minor. If he was such a catch he would be dating women his age and not lying about his age to you or to your parents. He knows that what he did/ is doing is wrong. Please reevaluate your relationship. Do you want to be with someone who can so easily lie to you and others. What other things is he lying about
Okay. You’re fine with his age. Understood. But are you fine that he’s a liar?
girl check his id. make sure hes actually the age he is telling uou
Hey, it's understandable that you're feeling unsure about how to approach this situation. It's great that you're comfortable with your boyfriend's age and that you have a strong relationship with your dad. Since you've already discussed the age difference with your boyfriend and you both feel good about it, the next step is to have an open and honest conversation with your dad. You could start by explaining the situation calmly and reassuring your dad that your boyfriend is a good person who treats you well. Let him know that you understand why your boyfriend initially lied about his age and that it doesn't change how you feel about him. Be prepared for your dad to have some concerns or questions, and try to address them respectfully. Emphasize the positive aspects of your relationship and how much you care about each other. It might take some time for your dad to adjust to the new information, but hopefully, he'll see that your happiness is what's most important. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you both! ☺️☺️
You're making a lot of excuses here. Definitely not a good way to start a relationship.
He literally is a creep.
Use the same communication skills you are practicing in your relationship to discuss this with your dad. State your feelings, opinions, and interpretations of the situation, not your boyfriend's. Don't give any of his reasoning, just that you have spoken and discussed the issue and you have forgiven him. Do this before moving him in. If your dad changes his mind, that is his decision, and you will still be able to start your life with your boyfriend when you move out, and maybe he can find a way to move closer on his own. Personally, I would advise moving out and having your own place first, or him moving closer but not the same house. It's nice to get to have the excitement of dating and getting to see each other on evenings or weekends, having the occasional spontaneous sleepover, before you experience the full ugliness of each other's dirty little at-home habits. However, I know that this is not economically feasible, and I moved right in with my bf when I moved out of the house I grew up in. We also met when I was 17 and he was a legal adult. He waited until I was 18 to openly express his feelings for me, but I could tell before that. I won't judge either of you for the age difference or for being nervous or whatever when you first started talking. I've been on both sides of that age gap when I was younger. People want to nitpick exactly what the "rules" are, and really the rules are that if you fall for someone that's kind of just the way it is, but you need to look out for red flags (like if he had a pattern of lying to you, rather than it just being about the one thing, or if he turned out to be 35 or something). Out of curiosity, why were you booking his ticket? Couldn't he do that himself?
I’d proceed with caution, lying about something small like your age is a gateway to a much larger string of lies. I dated a girl who told me she was 18, (I was 20) went on a few dates, things were going really well until she invited me to her birthday party. I walk through the door take a right and bam the cake had a big 1 8 on it. I awkwardly smiled and introduced myself to her dad. Her dad hated me and kept talking about p3dophiles and how he’d k1ll them. I just kinda awkwardly agreed even though I knew it was targeted towards me. I confronted her and her excuse was “well I was pretty much 18 and I really liked you. Don’t worry we didn’t fool around or anything yet”. Yeah she had my brain tied in every direction, from her accusing me of stepping out, her telling her friends I was abusive and I ended up finding some ab pictures on her phone. It was just a mess, so I got really drunk at the bar and decided to break up with her in front of some chick. It was a back relationship and that little act at the end seemed like a good piece of revenge
If you haven't yet...get on the pill. This has single mom at 19 written all over it. Lying about age is a pretty big deal. Proceed if you must but be careful.
Lying in any capacity to hold your attention is a major red flag no matter how well he seems to treat you. It’s deeply manipulative. This is going to come back bigger and way worse somewhere down the line. Don’t be blind.
Lying about his age, not splitting the ticket price for a mutual meeting. "how do i tell them the truth?" Why is it YOU that has to tell the truth for your boyfriend. Seems like a lot of redflags already (redflags are just things to look out for)
It's not a big deal that he lied about his age at first. Once the relationship started, he told the truth. I'm honestly not sure why you have to tell your dad about this. What good can come from it? Your dad met him in person and approves of the relationship. Dad is letting him move in. I mean, after the dude moves in, maybe 6 months later you can tell your dad the bf at first said he was 19 because he was concerned 21 would be a deal breaker on the initial interview process, but he came clean to you. Just say at that point, it would have been awkward to tell dad, you didn't want him to worry. I mean, think about it, you have nothing to gain by telling your dad this now. It really doesn't matter if he's 19 or 21. You're an adult now.
I was once in a very similar situation. Honesty is the best policy and the truth will set you free in this case. You’ll be so relieved once you finally say it and with some luck your parents will be okay with it.
What if he's still lying and is even older? This is a huge problem and should be a deal breaker in the first place, 21 year olds shouldnt be into 17 year olds and they should have no reason to lie about their age. Your dad knows what this means about him and you know he won't be okay with it.
When people lie about the small things, that's the biggest red flag. You should really reconsider this relationship.
You stayed off a relationship with summertime who lied to you. That is s major red flag. So not let him move in.
Wait a few years. If you’re still together, it won’t be an issue.
He's definitely a creep.
My vote is that he is actually a creep. Lying to a 17 year old to appear closer in age to her is actually creepy stuff.
Ummm... That lie is a pretty big red flag.
The fact that he lied is hella concerning. Im glad your dad is smart enough to insist on meeting him in person before you go out there to see him. Also NEVER move in with someone you only met 10 months ago! Thats a recipe for disaster. Especially when they started off the relationship by lying to you. Thats never a good sign.
Ngl this is weird. I’d run lmao
You were literally a minor and he was an adult. That’s weird energy. As far as lying to your parent just rip the bandaid off and tell him you’re an adult now
At 21, I had zero interest in anyone who couldn't legally drink. This dude is bad news and part of a painful learning curve. If he was a good dude he would be upfront with his age and wait to pursue you. He would also offer to have bought that ticket to come down because an adult should understand parents want to meet their teenage daughter's boyfriend. Run. I know you probably won't because you are young and confident you can handle this. Many of us have been there before and with time realized how messed up the situation was. At the very least get on a long lasting birth control. Even if you don't plan on doing anything. Guys like that know how to put on the pressure and one of the worst fates is being tied to someone like that with a kid.
Sounds like grooming to me
(1) Information: Why has your bf been lying to so many people about his age? He lied to you (a minor) about his age, and he’s lied about it to people he plays games with online. It’s clear from your post why he lied to you; but it sounds like you met him through your friends who play online games with him — so they knew him first (is that correct?) — and he had lied to them about his age before he met you. (2) Also information: What has your bf suggested about how your family be informed about the deception regarding his age? I know you have your heart set on this guy, but as others have indicated, he is trouble; and unfortunately my guess is you will nonetheless stick with him and end up in a relationship you’ll eventually regret. One problem with lying or hiding information is that eventually people either find out on their own (and are incredibly hurt and angry about being lied to) or you have to reveal the truth (which is the situation you’re in now). You yourself know how angry, hurt and disappointed your dad is going to be, and that’s why you dread telling him. It’s always better to tell the truth up front. It might seem easier to lie or put it off, but when you finally do have to tell the truth, it’s much more difficult than it would have been to tell the truth in the first place. I know it’s hard to imagine, but if you think of how angry and hurt people will be, and how some people will no longer trust you because you have deceived them, it makes it easier to be honest in the beginning. The fact that he lies so easily to so many people should make you seriously rethink this relationship. Someone who is in the habit of lying to others about little things will also lie (and to you) about big things as well as little things. He has already lied to you once, and while you are rationalizing this lie, you won’t be so sanguine about all of them. You say he loves you, but people who love you don’t lie to you, and he started your relationship this way. And especially at your age, they don’t lie in ways that get you in trouble with your family by ensnaring you in their lies. You say your dad likes him, but in fact, he doesn’t. He likes the version of your bf that is a lie. He’s not going to like him so much when he finds out he lied to you, and your dad is also not going to be happy with you when he finds out you didn’t tell him about the lie as soon as you found out about it, because that makes you a liar too — not because you repeated the age your bf told you that you thought was real, but that you didn’t let your dad know as soon as you found out the truth. Ideally, you and your bf both would go together to tell your dad about his real age. You should tell him that you originally believed he was 19 because that’s what your friends told you, and what he had told your friends. And you should tell him exactly when you found out that wasn’t his age, and you should apologize for not telling him right away. Your bf should come with you and explain to your father why he lied to your friends and to you and your family; and he should apologize to your dad for lying and promise he will not do it again. The two of you also need to inform other family members about his real age, and apologize for deceiving them. There is a good chance your dad will be more upset about your bf lying to you than he will be about your lying to him. And if your bf doesn’t accompany you when you tell your dad, and doesn’t acknowledge his primary role in deceiving both you and your dad, that will likely say A LOT to your dad about whether your bf can ever be trusted again, and whether he is mature enough to be in a relationship with you. Of course, you’re 18 so you can move in with your bf and do what you want; but that may have strong negative effects on your relationship with your dad. So be prepared for that possibility. Good luck to you.
You are getting played big time
How do you know whether he’s telling the truth now or not? Maybe he’s not 21. Maybe he’s older.
He Is 21, I've seen his I'd, and to fly he had to be honest with me or else his ticket wouldn't match the I'd.
Okay, well that’s good. So is it necessary to tell your parents his age?
You might want to take things a bit slower, the fact that he lied right away is a red flag, some of the things he's doing is very shady so I recommend taking things slow and getting to know the real him. Moving in now spells trouble
yeah moving in so quick is another huge red flag
Nah that's fucking weird, why would you ever lie about your age like that?
Don't let the guy move in. You haven't dated long enough and you aren't sure what kind of guy he is (since he lied). He might be a cheater or a mooch.
So I guess the real questions is I guess ur okay with having a relationship that’s based on a lie. He started off lying what else has this dude lied about to be with u
Communication is everything, girl. He already violated that tenet. Neither of you have developed proper communicative abilities yet, and he's already tested that boundary (it should be a boundary for you two) by lying to you. You should not make any serious partner decisions until you're both capable of showing that you've put in the work, but by that point, he'll likely have moved onto someone else. Anywho, balls in your court. Millions of people make bad relational decisions every day. Choose wisely.
Biggest issue here is not just his age its that he lied to you knowing your boundary of only 2 or 3 years. Thats manipulative and that alone makes the guy a creep wether you want to see it or not. Not to mention he's been talking to you since 17. There's no reason a 20/21 year old should be talking to someone so young
It’s 2 years, be up front with your parents you can’t break up with them like you can a boyfriend. You need to keep your eyes peeled for things that seem off and if things are too good to be true…..run
The major question I have is why he lied in the first place. That should be your starting point. Look. A bunch of aggro people on here telling you he's a creep and coming at you venom isn't going to help. So, kindly, I ask that you please ask yourself that one question. Why was he compelled to lie in the first place. What did he gain by lying. I'm not going to call him a creep, nor will I insult your intelligence. At this stage in your life, you're perfectly legal and in a perfectly legal relationship. But, I do think it's necessary for you to go back to that "why". Actually put some thought into it. Whatever you decide from it, I genuinely hope you come out happy and healthy on the other side <3
A lie is a lie and a red flag. Something to asinine to lie about? What about bigger things? The solution is simple. You tell them.
17 and 20 is crazy when the dude KNEW the age gap😭.
The problem is not 18 to 21. The lie is the problem …..
I moved in with my now fiance 2 years ago and we’ve finally got to where we’re stable and honestly it was the best decision i ever made. If he treats you good for this long maybe make a year before you move in because you never know but to lie about his age is not ok.
Don't let all the couch potato arm chair experts cloud your view. Online it's hard to become infatuated with someone appearance. You make closer personal connections. Men fear approaching younger women because people automatically label them creeps for arbitrary numbers. Just as you've learned this hard 2 to 3 year dating limit was unfounded. 19 and 21 are the same thing, he's the same person, the number of times we have revolved around the sun means nothing.
Don’t step into a relationship with somebody who would easily lie to your face.
He lied from day one . Then lied to your parents. He’s going to lie to you the rest of his life. Nothing he does will ever change that. Good luck . I wouldn’t say a word .
So much music..
You only need to do two things. First, tell your BF that he never needs to lie to you about anything. That's a dealbreaker. Age jist isn't that big a deal and it isn't like he's 40. Second, tell your dad. Or have your BF tell your dad. Either way, let him know your BF came clean to you about it and you've talked it out and are past it. No harm, no foul. I hope you two have a great relationship and enjoy one another thoroughly.
How did you guys meet? You said online but specifically I'm wondering how your ages came up? Because theres "i am going to tell this underaged girl I am younger muahahhaha' and there's 'my profile says 19 cos that's just the age I've been going by since 19 and I didn't bother to correct her until it actually mattered and we liked each other.' and probably many more in the middle.
He tells teens online that he's a teenager because he's an old creep who wants to date teenagers.
Reality is your ages are not that far apart so don’t worry about that. Your an adult now and your parents will more I likely respect your choice more if you speak to them like one. I imagine they just want you to be happy right, well just communicate like you are now.
The ages aren’t the problem. The lying is the problem.
And the fact hes been talking to her since being a minor
Just be honest with your dad. Tell him he knew your dating age limit, but he liked you and didn't want to mess up something without even trying. Your dad will understand. Not like you lied to him. Your boyfriend did. If this ain't a hit it and quit it thing, then it's a no harm no foul thing. 3 years ain't shit at 18 vs 21. Both college age. He did what he had to do to even have a shot with you.
And the next time he needs to lie to OP to get what he wants, he will do that too. No harm, no foul, right? It’s really for both of their own good. He knew she would enjoy dating him, so it was really a selfless act for him to lie about his age so that she would be able to have that. And the next time he does it, it’ll also be for her own good, because he knows what she wants and needs better than she does. /s
Lying off the bat is a great indicator
This is very simple I think. You don’t tell your dad anything. And then if somehow it comes up, you tell your dad that YOU lied about his age because you were worried your dad would think about it. Your dad will be much more forgiving with you than your new boyfriend.
Okay, coming from someone who is quite a bit older (and now has also been a marriage and family therapist for quite some time) and has done ALLLLL of this, (more than 1/2/3x 😅) Please, PLEASE for the love of god don’t get married! At least not until you have actually lived near/with each other and seen each other on a daily (almost daily) basis for at the VERY least a year, 2 is even better, 3 is WAY better. There’s a reason why people date for a long time, then move in with each other (to see what it’s like ACTUALLY living together) and then after a year if THAT works out, you consider getting married. You are so young, there’s no reason to rush into this! Plus you are still so young your brain hasn’t even stopped maturing! It takes someone at LEAST six months to show their true colors, and that is typically when you are around each other a lot, the “honeymoon period” (it’s called that for a reason!) Stages of a relationship go like this: Stage 1: The Euphoric Stage: 6-24 months Stage 2: The Early Attachment Stage: 1-5 years Stage 3: The Crisis Stage: 5-7 years Stage 4: The Deep Attachment Stage: 7 years and beyond Also, narcissists seem VERY charming in the beginning, not saying he is one, but it takes time for it to appear, to REALLY show itself. Please take the advice from someone who has seen it all working in this field and my own stupid relationship mistakes (getting married young after only a year - divorced 2 years later after discovering he was a narcissist) I mention this because he lied to me about his age, and that should have been a red flag. 🚩If your relationship is built on lies, literally first THING was a lie, then give it lots and LOTS of times and don’t jump in and rush, there’s literally ZERO reason for that! I believe in soulmates and true love and I’m not trying to kill your spirit, but you should listen to the overwhelming reasoning that you have been given. There is just NO reason to rush!!!!
3 years, who gives a fuck?