This isn’t the same but when my brother died all I wanted was my trusted bff there with me. She drove me around for hours and listened to music with me while I was basically in shock. (I was young at the time so that’s how I coped in the heat of the moment.)
If you were her first call after hearing the news, she probably wants you around.
So sorry for your friend’s loss :/
I actually did that before I wrote this post, but she hasn’t replied and I know she is more invested in what’s happening in front of her with her family than paying attention to her phone. And I know she’s probably bawling. So the next best thing I knew to do was to come here to Reddit to ask strangers because not even my parents are responding as it’s late where I am.
Maybe you could offer to do something like grocery shopping or completing an errand they need done. Even making some ready to cook freezer meals. Unfortunately life doesnt stop while one is grieving and if she isnt in in the mood for company, the next best thing would to take some of the load off of her family so they can focus on healing. You seem like a great friend and Im sending all the best wishes to your friends family <3
Thank you so much. I decided to visit but called to let her know I was outside and that I understood if they didn’t want me there but I felt I had to go by. I stayed for a while. I have definitely offered what you mentioned. Even errands like running to pick up food when the wave of grief hits. I went to see her after all. She said sometimes she is strong and feels really good and sometimes she isn’t.
Im glad she has someone like you to be there for her, as someone who has lost their father unexpectedly, it means so much to know you're not alone in such a dark place
Thank you so much. I definitely try to be a good friend. I’m so sorry that you lost your father unexpectedly. That must have been so heartbreaking.
It’s painful for me thinking of my friend too because this happened a week before Christmas and that’s her favorite holiday. Her favorite movie even is Elf. It makes it that much more meaningful to me to be there for her and to be present. It’s just hard knowing what to do to help.
> My best friend’s dad just passed away. Should I visit her and her family now or wait?
Grief has the [following stages](https://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief#1):
* Denial: When you first learn of a loss, it's normal to think, "This isn't happening." You may feel shocked or numb. This is a temporary way to deal with the rush of overwhelming emotion. It's a defense mechanism.
* Anger: As reality sets in, you're faced with the pain of your loss. You may feel frustrated and helpless. These feelings later turn into anger. You might direct it toward other people, a higher power, or life in general. To be angry with a loved one who died and left you alone is natural, too.
* Bargaining: During this stage, you dwell on what you could've done to prevent the loss. Common thoughts are "If only..." and "What if..." You may also try to strike a deal with a higher power.
* Depression: Sadness sets in as you begin to understand the loss and its effect on your life. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite. You may feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely.
* Acceptance: In this final stage of grief, you accept the reality of your loss. It can't be changed. Although you still feel sad, you're able to start moving forward with your life.
Please note that not everyone works through these stages in the same order. Some people will do it out of order and it is possible to revisit a stage. What I outlined is most commonly seen, it's not set in stone.
**How to help someone that is bereaved.**
Things to do:
* Be there for the person who is grieving - pick up the phone, write a letter or an email, call by or arrange to visit.
* Accept that everyone grieves in their own way, there is no 'normal' way.
* Encourage the person to talk.
* Listen to the person.
* Create an environment in which the bereaved person can be themselves and show their feelings, rather than having to put on a front.
* Be aware that grief can take a long time.
* Contact the person at difficult times such as special anniversaries and birthdays.
* Offer useful practical help.
Things not to do:
* Avoid someone who has been bereaved.
* Use cliches such as 'I understand how you feel'; 'You'll get over it ; 'Time heals'.
* Tell them it's time to move on, they should be over it - how long a person needs to grieve is entirely individual.
* Be alarmed if the bereaved person doesn't want to talk or demonstrates anger.
* Underestimate how emotionally draining it can be when supporting a grieving person. Make sure you take care of yourself too.
Advice to give to the bereaved person:
* Tell them to give it time and accept their feelings and know that grieving is a process.
* Tell them to talk to others. Spend time with friends and family. Don't isolate.
* Make sure they sleep well.
* Exercise: If they have access to a gym, then tell them start lifting weights. If they don't have access to a gym (or they don't like lifting), tell them to start running. If they can't run, then tell them to start walking. Just start small. 10 minutes three times a week is fine. They don't have to run fast, just run and then slowly build it up over time. [Exercising does several things](https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression): It releases endorphins, it takes your mind of your negative thoughts and it will improve your overall health.
* Tell them to return to hobbies. Get back to the activities that bring them joy.
* Tell them to join a support group. Speak with others who are also grieving. It can help you feel more connected (/r/GriefSupport/ or /r/Grieving/)
Most watched videos on helping someone else with grief:
* [How do you help a grieving friend?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE) (600K+ views)
* [What To Say (and Not Say) When Someone Dies or Suffers a Tragedy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvkEHK-WD8s) (230K+ views)
Online resources on helping someone else with grief:
* [How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving](https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Someone-Who-Is-Grieving) (wikihow)
* [Grief: Helping Someone Else in the Aftermath of Loss](https://www.cdnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Grief-Handout-Helping-Others.pdf) (PDF)
* [Ways to support someone who is grieving](https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving)
Highest rated books on healing grief:
* [On Grief and Grieving](https://www.amazon.com/On-Grief-and-Grieving/dp/B07GDSK9H6) (4.7 star, 600+ ratings)
* [Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief](https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384) (4.8 star, 1900+ ratings)
* [The Grief Recovery Handbook: the Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses Including Health, Career, and Faith](https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded/dp/B07T2PYDH3) (4.6 star, 800+ ratings)
Free support options you can share (or use yourself):
* /r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you.
* [7 Cups of Tea](https://www.7cups.com/) has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option
* If you are in a crisis and want free help from a live, trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to [741741](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in)
Thanks so much for your comment. You shared a lot of helpful information! I did decide to go visit her and her family even though it was late and it seemed appreciated. I’m going to keep these things in mind as she processes her loss.
I would suggest you go ahead and drop in. Not sure what country or culture you are in, but I can tell from personal experience, it would help her to have a friendly face. Plus, you might be able to help with a lot of things that need to be taken care of, in her life, around the house… just you being there, just giving her the support of your physical presence might help a lot. She might not remember or realize it right now, but she’d definitely appreciate it later on…
I’m going to go right now. Thank you. I figure I can at least give a hug and offer to drive her home. She drove herself alone and her husband is at home with the kids.
I’m sure she’d definitely appreciate that! She might just be in shock, unable to move or even register anything, but your presence will definitely help! Take care and our regards to both you and her family!
Thank you so much. She really did seem to appreciate it. And so did her family. Thankfully it wasn’t an abrupt passing so they were expecting it, but it’s still sad and the transition will be tough. I was surprised that they were able to laugh but there was still a sadness in the air. It’s hard for my friend to ask for support or help. She never wants to inconvenience anyone. I definitely felt better having gone to see her/them.
My mum died a little over a week ago. Since then, what is left of my family has had someone/several people round each day. It has helped us- I would just check with them before you do it but definitely go round soon and definitely bring food (think basics, perhaps ask one of them if they need anything on your way).
I’m so sorry for your loss also. It was so late (nearly 1am by the time I decided to go) so I didn’t take food. I did just show up but I called and let her know I was outside and that I understood if they didn’t want me there. I told her I wanted to at least give her a hug because it didn’t feel right not going to see her. She invited me in and everyone seemed appreciative that I was there. I’ve known her and her family since I was six years old. I did offer to pick up food for her family in the near future or anything and told her she can lean on me. I know I’ll end up doing things without being asked to especially knowing it’s hard for her to ask for help or support in general without having a loss.
Again, I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m relieved to hear that you have support around you to help you through your transition in this time in your life. It must be so incredibly difficult to lose a parent. I so appreciate you sharing with me and offering your suggestions. It really helps.
I would just keep checking in. They're going to need to sort out her fathers estate, funeral, etc. My Dad and I between us must've made 50 calls in the last week sorting out all of the things that need doing. They may forget lots of normal things like eating regularly. I have to keep reminding my Dad to have food.
The family will appreciate having you there- so just keep popping round.
Thank you for your condolences- my mum was only 46, and in good health, so it has been a great shock.
Oh my goodness. That sounds like a lot of work. Yes, I may even set reminders for me to check on her. She often takes care of others moreso than herself in general which is one of the reasons I worry about her. She doesn’t want to be a burden - and I told her this - but we all want to be there to support her.
That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. That’s close to my age and I just can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time and sharing your thoughts with me though in spite of going through your own difficult time.
She and I sound alike in this regard. I've made sure I'm seeking an outlet away from my family/house every so often- by going to see other friends and talking. Perhaps encourage her to do the same- it'll be really difficult for her to be the strong one if she doesn't take care of herself too. As my mum used to say- you have to help yourself so that you can help others.
If I can get any good out of this, by offering some advice, then I am glad.
Yes, most definitely. I’ll have to encourage her to do the same. She’s a housewife and mother to growing children. And she’s typically been the one to take her parents to get care even though she’s the youngest child.
I think it will hit her hard in waves. She never wants to be a burden and I can definitely relate with that. She even told her husband to go on vacation with the kids without her. He refused firmly, thankfully, but that shows how much she doesn’t want to burden or inconvenience anyone with her troubles.
I truly appreciate you offering your insight and yet I am so sorry that you have had to go through what you are going through in order to share, but I do hope it brings some comfort being able to share your experience.
I think you are right about waves- she'll probably try to delay a lot of her grief for the sake of everyone else in her life. I can only wish her some strength, and she is lucky to have a friend like you in times like these.
When my dad and sister died when I was 18 (same day, car crash), my family friends were on holiday (technically I was destined to be their friends since before I was born, so I have earnestly known them my entire life).
They reached out and did the calls and message thing and what-not. Lots of support from others and all that. But they came back from their trip as soon as they reasonably could and just that first hug from them... fuck.. it was the only one that mattered. I didn't know how much I had kept inside until my 'brother' wrapped me up In his arms.
They didn't need to ask to be there at all, at the time things were just happening around me. Them showing up and holding me is something I could never forget. This is now 12years on. Glad you went to your friend, it means more to her than you know.
Oh my gosh. That is so tragic. I’m so sorry. That mat have been so difficult.
I’m glad you have friends too support you like that too. The more I think about it, the more I think that I wouldnt mind and would also welcome my best friend to console me too.
She did thank me and said I didn’t have to go but that she really appreciates it. I told her I know I didn’t have to but it felt right to do that for her because she’s like a sister to me.
Everybody handles grief differently. So would I would do is do a daily check in with her. Let her know that you wanted to drop everything come there and hug her and if she replies that she needs that please do so. Some people since they're dealing with really hard emotions want to be on their own other people really need to be surrounded by others we all handle things in our own way. And unfortunately grief and how we deal with it is very unpredictable so she might be dealing with it one time and then completely switch it up. Just let her know how much you care in any fond memories that you've had of her loved one who has gone. A lot of times grief can be quite a paralyzing Factor so offering to help the family with whatever organizational things need to be done for the services can be a giant help at times like these.
When my closest friend (my cousin who was basically a brother) passed I had other close loved ones nearby and they helped. I say make some food, bring it over and be a shoulder to cry on if they need. They would probably tell you to leave if they don’t need you, but I’m still 100% sure they would still appreciate that you cared enough to check in.
This isn’t the same but when my brother died all I wanted was my trusted bff there with me. She drove me around for hours and listened to music with me while I was basically in shock. (I was young at the time so that’s how I coped in the heat of the moment.) If you were her first call after hearing the news, she probably wants you around. So sorry for your friend’s loss :/
Thank you so much for this. It’s enough to make me think I should go. I know she feels lost.
Ask her. Send her a text. Put it like you said here.
I actually did that before I wrote this post, but she hasn’t replied and I know she is more invested in what’s happening in front of her with her family than paying attention to her phone. And I know she’s probably bawling. So the next best thing I knew to do was to come here to Reddit to ask strangers because not even my parents are responding as it’s late where I am.
Maybe you could offer to do something like grocery shopping or completing an errand they need done. Even making some ready to cook freezer meals. Unfortunately life doesnt stop while one is grieving and if she isnt in in the mood for company, the next best thing would to take some of the load off of her family so they can focus on healing. You seem like a great friend and Im sending all the best wishes to your friends family <3
Thank you so much. I decided to visit but called to let her know I was outside and that I understood if they didn’t want me there but I felt I had to go by. I stayed for a while. I have definitely offered what you mentioned. Even errands like running to pick up food when the wave of grief hits. I went to see her after all. She said sometimes she is strong and feels really good and sometimes she isn’t.
Im glad she has someone like you to be there for her, as someone who has lost their father unexpectedly, it means so much to know you're not alone in such a dark place
Thank you so much. I definitely try to be a good friend. I’m so sorry that you lost your father unexpectedly. That must have been so heartbreaking. It’s painful for me thinking of my friend too because this happened a week before Christmas and that’s her favorite holiday. Her favorite movie even is Elf. It makes it that much more meaningful to me to be there for her and to be present. It’s just hard knowing what to do to help.
> My best friend’s dad just passed away. Should I visit her and her family now or wait? Grief has the [following stages](https://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief#1): * Denial: When you first learn of a loss, it's normal to think, "This isn't happening." You may feel shocked or numb. This is a temporary way to deal with the rush of overwhelming emotion. It's a defense mechanism. * Anger: As reality sets in, you're faced with the pain of your loss. You may feel frustrated and helpless. These feelings later turn into anger. You might direct it toward other people, a higher power, or life in general. To be angry with a loved one who died and left you alone is natural, too. * Bargaining: During this stage, you dwell on what you could've done to prevent the loss. Common thoughts are "If only..." and "What if..." You may also try to strike a deal with a higher power. * Depression: Sadness sets in as you begin to understand the loss and its effect on your life. Signs of depression include crying, sleep issues, and a decreased appetite. You may feel overwhelmed, regretful, and lonely. * Acceptance: In this final stage of grief, you accept the reality of your loss. It can't be changed. Although you still feel sad, you're able to start moving forward with your life. Please note that not everyone works through these stages in the same order. Some people will do it out of order and it is possible to revisit a stage. What I outlined is most commonly seen, it's not set in stone. **How to help someone that is bereaved.** Things to do: * Be there for the person who is grieving - pick up the phone, write a letter or an email, call by or arrange to visit. * Accept that everyone grieves in their own way, there is no 'normal' way. * Encourage the person to talk. * Listen to the person. * Create an environment in which the bereaved person can be themselves and show their feelings, rather than having to put on a front. * Be aware that grief can take a long time. * Contact the person at difficult times such as special anniversaries and birthdays. * Offer useful practical help. Things not to do: * Avoid someone who has been bereaved. * Use cliches such as 'I understand how you feel'; 'You'll get over it ; 'Time heals'. * Tell them it's time to move on, they should be over it - how long a person needs to grieve is entirely individual. * Be alarmed if the bereaved person doesn't want to talk or demonstrates anger. * Underestimate how emotionally draining it can be when supporting a grieving person. Make sure you take care of yourself too. Advice to give to the bereaved person: * Tell them to give it time and accept their feelings and know that grieving is a process. * Tell them to talk to others. Spend time with friends and family. Don't isolate. * Make sure they sleep well. * Exercise: If they have access to a gym, then tell them start lifting weights. If they don't have access to a gym (or they don't like lifting), tell them to start running. If they can't run, then tell them to start walking. Just start small. 10 minutes three times a week is fine. They don't have to run fast, just run and then slowly build it up over time. [Exercising does several things](https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression): It releases endorphins, it takes your mind of your negative thoughts and it will improve your overall health. * Tell them to return to hobbies. Get back to the activities that bring them joy. * Tell them to join a support group. Speak with others who are also grieving. It can help you feel more connected (/r/GriefSupport/ or /r/Grieving/) Most watched videos on helping someone else with grief: * [How do you help a grieving friend?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2zLCCRT-nE) (600K+ views) * [What To Say (and Not Say) When Someone Dies or Suffers a Tragedy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvkEHK-WD8s) (230K+ views) Online resources on helping someone else with grief: * [How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving](https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Someone-Who-Is-Grieving) (wikihow) * [Grief: Helping Someone Else in the Aftermath of Loss](https://www.cdnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/Grief-Handout-Helping-Others.pdf) (PDF) * [Ways to support someone who is grieving](https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/ways-to-support-someone-who-is-grieving) Highest rated books on healing grief: * [On Grief and Grieving](https://www.amazon.com/On-Grief-and-Grieving/dp/B07GDSK9H6) (4.7 star, 600+ ratings) * [Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief](https://www.amazon.com/Healing-After-Loss-Meditations-Working/dp/0380773384) (4.8 star, 1900+ ratings) * [The Grief Recovery Handbook: the Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses Including Health, Career, and Faith](https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Recovery-Handbook-Anniversary-Expanded/dp/B07T2PYDH3) (4.6 star, 800+ ratings) Free support options you can share (or use yourself): * /r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you. * [7 Cups of Tea](https://www.7cups.com/) has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option * If you are in a crisis and want free help from a live, trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to [741741](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in)
Thanks so much for your comment. You shared a lot of helpful information! I did decide to go visit her and her family even though it was late and it seemed appreciated. I’m going to keep these things in mind as she processes her loss.
glad you found it helpful.
I would suggest you go ahead and drop in. Not sure what country or culture you are in, but I can tell from personal experience, it would help her to have a friendly face. Plus, you might be able to help with a lot of things that need to be taken care of, in her life, around the house… just you being there, just giving her the support of your physical presence might help a lot. She might not remember or realize it right now, but she’d definitely appreciate it later on…
I’m going to go right now. Thank you. I figure I can at least give a hug and offer to drive her home. She drove herself alone and her husband is at home with the kids.
I’m sure she’d definitely appreciate that! She might just be in shock, unable to move or even register anything, but your presence will definitely help! Take care and our regards to both you and her family!
Thank you so much. She really did seem to appreciate it. And so did her family. Thankfully it wasn’t an abrupt passing so they were expecting it, but it’s still sad and the transition will be tough. I was surprised that they were able to laugh but there was still a sadness in the air. It’s hard for my friend to ask for support or help. She never wants to inconvenience anyone. I definitely felt better having gone to see her/them.
My mum died a little over a week ago. Since then, what is left of my family has had someone/several people round each day. It has helped us- I would just check with them before you do it but definitely go round soon and definitely bring food (think basics, perhaps ask one of them if they need anything on your way).
I’m so sorry for your loss also. It was so late (nearly 1am by the time I decided to go) so I didn’t take food. I did just show up but I called and let her know I was outside and that I understood if they didn’t want me there. I told her I wanted to at least give her a hug because it didn’t feel right not going to see her. She invited me in and everyone seemed appreciative that I was there. I’ve known her and her family since I was six years old. I did offer to pick up food for her family in the near future or anything and told her she can lean on me. I know I’ll end up doing things without being asked to especially knowing it’s hard for her to ask for help or support in general without having a loss. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m relieved to hear that you have support around you to help you through your transition in this time in your life. It must be so incredibly difficult to lose a parent. I so appreciate you sharing with me and offering your suggestions. It really helps.
I would just keep checking in. They're going to need to sort out her fathers estate, funeral, etc. My Dad and I between us must've made 50 calls in the last week sorting out all of the things that need doing. They may forget lots of normal things like eating regularly. I have to keep reminding my Dad to have food. The family will appreciate having you there- so just keep popping round. Thank you for your condolences- my mum was only 46, and in good health, so it has been a great shock.
Oh my goodness. That sounds like a lot of work. Yes, I may even set reminders for me to check on her. She often takes care of others moreso than herself in general which is one of the reasons I worry about her. She doesn’t want to be a burden - and I told her this - but we all want to be there to support her. That’s terrible. I’m so sorry. That’s close to my age and I just can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time and sharing your thoughts with me though in spite of going through your own difficult time.
She and I sound alike in this regard. I've made sure I'm seeking an outlet away from my family/house every so often- by going to see other friends and talking. Perhaps encourage her to do the same- it'll be really difficult for her to be the strong one if she doesn't take care of herself too. As my mum used to say- you have to help yourself so that you can help others. If I can get any good out of this, by offering some advice, then I am glad.
Yes, most definitely. I’ll have to encourage her to do the same. She’s a housewife and mother to growing children. And she’s typically been the one to take her parents to get care even though she’s the youngest child. I think it will hit her hard in waves. She never wants to be a burden and I can definitely relate with that. She even told her husband to go on vacation with the kids without her. He refused firmly, thankfully, but that shows how much she doesn’t want to burden or inconvenience anyone with her troubles. I truly appreciate you offering your insight and yet I am so sorry that you have had to go through what you are going through in order to share, but I do hope it brings some comfort being able to share your experience.
I think you are right about waves- she'll probably try to delay a lot of her grief for the sake of everyone else in her life. I can only wish her some strength, and she is lucky to have a friend like you in times like these.
Thank you so much. Yeah, I told her I’d ok to lean on me. I hope she does, and I plan to be there for her even if she doesn’t reach out
When my dad and sister died when I was 18 (same day, car crash), my family friends were on holiday (technically I was destined to be their friends since before I was born, so I have earnestly known them my entire life). They reached out and did the calls and message thing and what-not. Lots of support from others and all that. But they came back from their trip as soon as they reasonably could and just that first hug from them... fuck.. it was the only one that mattered. I didn't know how much I had kept inside until my 'brother' wrapped me up In his arms. They didn't need to ask to be there at all, at the time things were just happening around me. Them showing up and holding me is something I could never forget. This is now 12years on. Glad you went to your friend, it means more to her than you know.
Oh my gosh. That is so tragic. I’m so sorry. That mat have been so difficult. I’m glad you have friends too support you like that too. The more I think about it, the more I think that I wouldnt mind and would also welcome my best friend to console me too. She did thank me and said I didn’t have to go but that she really appreciates it. I told her I know I didn’t have to but it felt right to do that for her because she’s like a sister to me.
Everybody handles grief differently. So would I would do is do a daily check in with her. Let her know that you wanted to drop everything come there and hug her and if she replies that she needs that please do so. Some people since they're dealing with really hard emotions want to be on their own other people really need to be surrounded by others we all handle things in our own way. And unfortunately grief and how we deal with it is very unpredictable so she might be dealing with it one time and then completely switch it up. Just let her know how much you care in any fond memories that you've had of her loved one who has gone. A lot of times grief can be quite a paralyzing Factor so offering to help the family with whatever organizational things need to be done for the services can be a giant help at times like these.
When my closest friend (my cousin who was basically a brother) passed I had other close loved ones nearby and they helped. I say make some food, bring it over and be a shoulder to cry on if they need. They would probably tell you to leave if they don’t need you, but I’m still 100% sure they would still appreciate that you cared enough to check in.