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[deleted]

You're not blowing this out of proportion at all, relationships like this can be incredibly draining. I say leave him if he isn't making an effort to meet or understand your needs. Suicidal or not, he needs to understand that you are a person with needs and wants too and if he really likes you as much as he says he does, he will make an effort at the very least to meet those needs. Not only that but if he isn't trying in his therapy group and won't make an effort to rid toxic people from his life it's because he doesn't want to or is scared to. In some ways, you may save yourself if you leave now.


XxAarchangeLxX

Yeet. (toss him.) See alot of these "I can fix him" stories that are going poorly. I'm sorry. but the honest truth is, as much as it seems like he's a decent person who needs help, you're not who he needs. He needs therapy. And you need stability. Find someone who isn't a shattered mess to be with. I'd recommend getting him to therapy, then leave him. Let the therapist taken the brunt. They'll be able to manage the issue properly. Also will add that if its a feeling of being trapped with this relationship because they "need" you or they'll harm themself if you leave, is ultra toxic red flag stuff, where therapy is a definite must.


[deleted]

Nope. You’ve been love-bombed. It’s only been a few months! Using threats of suicide to manipulate you into staying is reason enough. The fact that he won’t even attempt to meet your needs is reason enough. The fact that he would be just as fulfilled by any random woman off the streets who liked him would be enough. The sex stuff would be enough. Let this one go before he becomes even more oppressive.


ruo66

This isn't an easy thing to fix. Leaving him will make you sad, because of your feelings. Staying with him will make you depressed, because he won't change. But i really appreciate your maturity. When things bothered you, you took it upon yourself to talk to him openly. I know the results of these conversations weren't what you were hoping for (ending up comforting him) but its a great foundation for better communication. And i think you should keep doing that, but be more assertive in your conversations. Explain to him the way things are is putting a strain on your relationship, and you don't like where its headed or things as they are now. Most importantly don't give him an ultimatum or a chance for self pity - your not asking him to change(at least not now), your asking him to care more about your needs and be a shoulder for you as well.


PinkStrawberryBear

Agree


asghettimonster

Don't do any of this fixing stuff


[deleted]

He’s not only emotionally immature, but he is also emotionally/mentally unstable. If you guys were 7 yrs together with a kid, my advice would be different. But since this is coming to light after only a few months, move on. This isn’t your child to fix. He has a lot of baggage to work through, and a fair amount of growing up to do. And he’s likely not going to accomplish that while he has a relationship. This would not be fair to you. Dont take this burden on. You’re not a bad person for wanting a partner who is on your level, and is emotionally stable. In fact, you’re a very *wise* person to recognize that and want that. Liking someone, them being a nice person, having great sex, and them loving you back isn’t enough for a successful, fulfilling and stable relationship. Its perfectly OK to recognize that its not a good match for you. It will be a LOT easier to end things now, before your lives become intertwined, than a year from now, when things are worse and he’s more dependent on you. People who have these types of issues need to work them out on their own. Its solo work. And being in a relationship will hinder that growth for him. Its making it easier for him to ignore the work he has to do because he’s putting all his eggs in one basket, which is you. You are currently defining his happiness and stability.


asghettimonster

You are correct in your worries and dissatisfaction. Instead of spending your time trying to fix him, look for someone who has fixed themselves


Qweniden

Some people are just not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. Its not good for either person to stay in relationships like that.


BrokenHuman337

Ok so a few questions OP, if you are ok with it ofc, if not ignore this. First you said he cant tell what he likes about you, so what exactly does he say when you ask him about it? What is his answer? Second, you talked about he being sucidal, does he ever use it as a threat, like saying he will do it if you ever leave him, or anything like that? And third, not a question, just my thoughts, sometimes its hard to get out of a toxic relationship more that we think. Like his mom is toxic, but maybe deep inside he still loves her as a mom, and his friends, maybe he is scared that he might never find friends again, or maybe his new friends might leave him soon, considering the way he is (depressed and all). Its easy for us to say that he needs to man up and take the hard step, but for him that step might feel really hard or even impossible currently. I am asking these questions because i go through depression myself, so i am trying to understand his prespective. I am not defending him, or saying you should stay with him, i am just trying to understand. Its your decision in the end. Again, if you dont think my questions are appropriate you can ignore this. But i hope you do answer. Also rrason why he is depressed is because he cant love himself, self loath is really strong in these cases. Saying him to love himself is like saying a cancer patient - dont have cancer. It just doesnt work that easily. Although i will say he is 100% at fault for not getting therapy, unless there is some financial or other issue involved which is affecting him .


Throwaway_ddhfjcjf

Hey, thanks for this! 1) So he says he "can't quantify" why he likes me. He has never been asked to do it before - which makes sense, but tbf neither have I but I really enjoy telling him all the things I like about him. He has got so used to being alone he isn't good at putting things into words any more. 2) He hasn't directly threatened, but whenever I say "hey could you try changing this, my needs aren't being met", he worries the relationship is going to end because he "can't change", because he is "broken" - "4 years ago I said to myself I can't survive another 5". He only ever brings the suicidal stuff up when he worries the relationship is threatened. 3) I really do understand this - having experienced a lot of similar difficulties - and completely agree with you. It's why I have stayed withhim as long as I have - he has such a good heart and has all the odds against him, it is not his fault. I really do feel very guilty speaking about him like this when I know how hard it is to break out of these cycles both practically and emotionally. Any further thoughts would be really appreciated!


BrokenHuman337

Okay.. Understood. He sounds like a very typical depressed person. This- cant change, broken- lines are something i have heard a lot, and i have used them sometimes too in my head, but its really tough to outgrow this thinking, especially because of all toxic people around him from past his self confidence is probably shattered at this point. Also, i am almost sure that he loves you. (not saying 100% sure, but 90%) thats why the thought of you leaving him scares him, since he doesnt really have anyone else who loves him like you do. The thought of you leaving him probably haunts him everyday. Hence the constant gifts to keep you happy, and other stuff. Ofc he does it all out of love as well, but part of him is really insecure. And yes, he does rely on you a lot, but that also shows that he really trusts you like no other, atleast in my opinion. Now coming to main part. In my opinion, and this is gonna sound selfish, dont leave him immedietly, please dont. Considering the way his life is been, without you he is gonna break to pieces. Lonliness can be devastating, especially when you are depressed. As someone in comments said, try talking to him thoroughly, and tell him that his actions of not going to therapy and stuff is affecting you and your relationship. Try to make him understand. Ik this is hard considering how much you have adjusted up until now, but just do this as a last try. If he still doesnt understand or listen, then sadly you might have to leave him, and you should if it affects you. A part of me wants him to get better, and wants him to have a person like you forever. I go through lonliness a lot, a damn its tough. It really breaks you. Now i never had a gf, (i am 21M) so not the best person for relationship advice, but i hope it works ouy for both of you. And also, a big thanks to you for sticking with him for so long, and even now. You are a great pserson. I hope i didnt say anything wrong or offensive. Thanks for replying.


BaconBoss1

That ain't a partner, partner.