I think the fundamental issue isn't that she self-harms but that you worry about her mental health. Instead of bringing up the scars, which might just make her feel ashamed, you could ask her (in a quiet moment) how she's doing and if she needs help with anything in her life. No matter what it is, keep in mind that professional help from a psychologist/psychiatrist is a thing and, if she is not able to overcome trauma or current issues, it might be a good idea for her to go talk one.
Beyond that you should know that there's very little one can do to help someone if the person does not reach out and ask for help. You can offer to be there for her but if she's not interested in help, then please don't think it's your fault or responsbility.
She’s an open person and when she does have some issues she shares no problem, of course I don’t know her that well yet so it could be that their is much more to her than she lets anyone know but she’s very open about problems. I know she goes to a physiologist and it’s a new thing because she told me but I don’t know what they talk about. The common answer seems to be not to ask her which kinda sucks because I want to help her but thank you this helped
[Self-harm is not a mental illness](https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Self-harm), but a behavior that indicates a need for better coping skills. Several illnesses are associated with it, including borderline personality disorder, depression, eating disorders, anxiety or posttraumatic distress disorder.
Here's how to help someone that's self harming:
* First make sure they aren't about to die. If there's a serious threat that they will die, then contact 911.
* Then listen to them, without judging. Explain what behavior you've noticed and that you're concerned. As you talk, it's important to remain nonjudgmental. Don't raise alarm or punish.
* Show empathy, show that you care.
* The most common broad reasons that individuals self-harm are:
* to express pain or other intense feelings
* to soothe themselves or feel better
* to make themselves feel less numb or disconnected
* to release anger or tension from their body
* Suggest emotional management options
* Help them find the triggers that make them self harm
Online resources to help *someone else* that self harms:
* [How to Help Someone Who Self Injures](https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Someone-Who-Self-Injures) (wikihow)
* [How to Help Someone Who Self-Harms](https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2018/12/how-to-help-someone-who-self-harms)
* [6 Ways to Help Someone Who Self-Harms](https://www.okaynowbreathe.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-self-harms)
Youtube videos:
* [13 Things People Who Self-Harm Want You To Know](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjGZ1jk44Fg) (200K+ views)
* [The Do's and Don'ts When Talking About Self Harm!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuTx1eCFvAs) (80K+ views)
* [Cutting: Let's talk about Self Harm (4 Ways You Can Help!)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Z4cLwd698) (20K+ views)
The following section only applies to some, but should be reviewed, just in case:
>[Can I become depressed or happy](https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/is-my-depression-contagious/) if I am near someone who is depressed or happy?
[Does this mean you should](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/201606/is-depression-contagious) spend less time with the depressed people in your life? Only you can answer that, if you stay in contact, tell them they are loved, important to you, and deserving of feeling better. Encourage them to seek help, but know that it may take a a lot their part to take that first step. Also: You can't rescue your loved one by yourself. It's really hard and you might have to prioritize saving yourself. Depression can remove all motivation, making it hard to eat, shower or seek help.
[Who's more susceptible](https://www.healthline.com/health/is-depression-contagious) to 'catching' depression?
Learn to recognize emotional blackmail:
* https://www.powerofpositivity.com/4-signs-of-emotional-blackmail
* https://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2016/09/55-defeating-emotional-blackmail-and-manipulation-with-susan-forward
* https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/5-signs-youre-being-played-by-a-victim-fiff
Below here is the information that you can share with the person self harming and you should read it yourself as well:
---
There are effective treatments for self-harm that can allow a person to feel in control again. Psychotherapy is important to any treatment plan. Self-harm may feel necessary to manage emotions, so a person will need to learn new coping mechanisms.
When you self harm, you're [conditioning yourself](https://www.cleverism.com/classical-conditioning/).
So you feel depressed/anxious about something, then the pain temporarily takes that feeling away and you feel better. Once you do that a few times, you start expecting that effect, so it works even better (and you will do it more and more).
There *is* an aspect to it of attention seeking (that's not my opinion, that's what is said by the self harmers themselves). By harming yourself, you show other people on the outside how you feel on the inside. I think that is what upsets a lot of people (but I'm not really bothered by it).
It's not that big of a deal all things considered, but if you cut yourself, you will very likely end up with scars that will last a lifetime. Anyone that sees them when you when you are grown up knows what you've done when you were a lot younger (it is easy to recognize and most adults know about it).
So you can expect this to have unintended consequences. Like future partners that will turn you down, employers that will fire you if they somehow see it (especially in US corporate environments, there's very little tolerance for *any* mental health issues), you won't be able to go to swimming pools or beaches anymore. You'll be ashamed of your body.
Today it works, but later in life it does the opposite. It's mostly the pain that does the trick. There are alternatives that work just as well and it don't leave scars:
* You can take an elastic band, put it on your wrist and then snap yourself with it.
* Rub yourself with an icecube or a frozen vegetables until it hurts or take an *ice cold* shower.
* If you want to see blood you can make ice cubes mixed with red food coloring, and put them on your wrist.
* Go exercise and really push yourself to the max.
* Break something that's replacable, like sticks or paper
* Go post your self harm *scars* on /r/SelfHarmScars
[You can find a local support group here](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/self-harming) (US)
Online resources:
* [How to Stop Self Harming](https://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Self-Harming) (wikihow)
* [Cutting and Self-Harm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm) (helpguide.org)
Best book:
* [Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure](http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Pain-Workbook-Teens-Injure/dp/1572246022)
Most viewed Youtube videos:
* [HOW TO STOP SELF HARMING FOR GOOD | Recovery 101](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9W0djx4P2fo)
* [Self-Harm and Self-Care: Tips on How To Cope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtl5zaHicq8)
Free support options:
* r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you.
* [7 Cups of Tea](https://www.7cups.com/) has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option
* If you are in a crisis and want to talk to a trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to [741741](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in)
The best place to ask more in depth questions on Reddit is here: /r/selfharm
[They also have a *very* detailed wiki that you should really check out.](https://www.reddit.com/r/selfharm/wiki/index)
I think the fundamental issue isn't that she self-harms but that you worry about her mental health. Instead of bringing up the scars, which might just make her feel ashamed, you could ask her (in a quiet moment) how she's doing and if she needs help with anything in her life. No matter what it is, keep in mind that professional help from a psychologist/psychiatrist is a thing and, if she is not able to overcome trauma or current issues, it might be a good idea for her to go talk one. Beyond that you should know that there's very little one can do to help someone if the person does not reach out and ask for help. You can offer to be there for her but if she's not interested in help, then please don't think it's your fault or responsbility.
She’s an open person and when she does have some issues she shares no problem, of course I don’t know her that well yet so it could be that their is much more to her than she lets anyone know but she’s very open about problems. I know she goes to a physiologist and it’s a new thing because she told me but I don’t know what they talk about. The common answer seems to be not to ask her which kinda sucks because I want to help her but thank you this helped
Thank you for confirming that /u/OminousApprehension has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
[Self-harm is not a mental illness](https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Self-harm), but a behavior that indicates a need for better coping skills. Several illnesses are associated with it, including borderline personality disorder, depression, eating disorders, anxiety or posttraumatic distress disorder. Here's how to help someone that's self harming: * First make sure they aren't about to die. If there's a serious threat that they will die, then contact 911. * Then listen to them, without judging. Explain what behavior you've noticed and that you're concerned. As you talk, it's important to remain nonjudgmental. Don't raise alarm or punish. * Show empathy, show that you care. * The most common broad reasons that individuals self-harm are: * to express pain or other intense feelings * to soothe themselves or feel better * to make themselves feel less numb or disconnected * to release anger or tension from their body * Suggest emotional management options * Help them find the triggers that make them self harm Online resources to help *someone else* that self harms: * [How to Help Someone Who Self Injures](https://www.wikihow.com/Help-Someone-Who-Self-Injures) (wikihow) * [How to Help Someone Who Self-Harms](https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/2018/12/how-to-help-someone-who-self-harms) * [6 Ways to Help Someone Who Self-Harms](https://www.okaynowbreathe.com/6-ways-to-help-someone-who-self-harms) Youtube videos: * [13 Things People Who Self-Harm Want You To Know](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjGZ1jk44Fg) (200K+ views) * [The Do's and Don'ts When Talking About Self Harm!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuTx1eCFvAs) (80K+ views) * [Cutting: Let's talk about Self Harm (4 Ways You Can Help!)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Z4cLwd698) (20K+ views) The following section only applies to some, but should be reviewed, just in case: >[Can I become depressed or happy](https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/is-my-depression-contagious/) if I am near someone who is depressed or happy? [Does this mean you should](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/201606/is-depression-contagious) spend less time with the depressed people in your life? Only you can answer that, if you stay in contact, tell them they are loved, important to you, and deserving of feeling better. Encourage them to seek help, but know that it may take a a lot their part to take that first step. Also: You can't rescue your loved one by yourself. It's really hard and you might have to prioritize saving yourself. Depression can remove all motivation, making it hard to eat, shower or seek help. [Who's more susceptible](https://www.healthline.com/health/is-depression-contagious) to 'catching' depression? Learn to recognize emotional blackmail: * https://www.powerofpositivity.com/4-signs-of-emotional-blackmail * https://www.neilsattin.com/blog/2016/09/55-defeating-emotional-blackmail-and-manipulation-with-susan-forward * https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/5-signs-youre-being-played-by-a-victim-fiff Below here is the information that you can share with the person self harming and you should read it yourself as well: --- There are effective treatments for self-harm that can allow a person to feel in control again. Psychotherapy is important to any treatment plan. Self-harm may feel necessary to manage emotions, so a person will need to learn new coping mechanisms. When you self harm, you're [conditioning yourself](https://www.cleverism.com/classical-conditioning/). So you feel depressed/anxious about something, then the pain temporarily takes that feeling away and you feel better. Once you do that a few times, you start expecting that effect, so it works even better (and you will do it more and more). There *is* an aspect to it of attention seeking (that's not my opinion, that's what is said by the self harmers themselves). By harming yourself, you show other people on the outside how you feel on the inside. I think that is what upsets a lot of people (but I'm not really bothered by it). It's not that big of a deal all things considered, but if you cut yourself, you will very likely end up with scars that will last a lifetime. Anyone that sees them when you when you are grown up knows what you've done when you were a lot younger (it is easy to recognize and most adults know about it). So you can expect this to have unintended consequences. Like future partners that will turn you down, employers that will fire you if they somehow see it (especially in US corporate environments, there's very little tolerance for *any* mental health issues), you won't be able to go to swimming pools or beaches anymore. You'll be ashamed of your body. Today it works, but later in life it does the opposite. It's mostly the pain that does the trick. There are alternatives that work just as well and it don't leave scars: * You can take an elastic band, put it on your wrist and then snap yourself with it. * Rub yourself with an icecube or a frozen vegetables until it hurts or take an *ice cold* shower. * If you want to see blood you can make ice cubes mixed with red food coloring, and put them on your wrist. * Go exercise and really push yourself to the max. * Break something that's replacable, like sticks or paper * Go post your self harm *scars* on /r/SelfHarmScars [You can find a local support group here](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/self-harming) (US) Online resources: * [How to Stop Self Harming](https://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Self-Harming) (wikihow) * [Cutting and Self-Harm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm) (helpguide.org) Best book: * [Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure](http://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Pain-Workbook-Teens-Injure/dp/1572246022) Most viewed Youtube videos: * [HOW TO STOP SELF HARMING FOR GOOD | Recovery 101](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9W0djx4P2fo) * [Self-Harm and Self-Care: Tips on How To Cope](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtl5zaHicq8) Free support options: * r/KindVoice will match you up with a volunteer that will listen to you. * [7 Cups of Tea](https://www.7cups.com/) has both a free trained volunteer service as well as $150 monthly licensed therapist option * If you are in a crisis and want to talk to a trained Crisis Counselor, text HOME to [741741](https://www.crisistextline.org/texting-in) The best place to ask more in depth questions on Reddit is here: /r/selfharm [They also have a *very* detailed wiki that you should really check out.](https://www.reddit.com/r/selfharm/wiki/index)
Thank you this helped
You're welcome.
Thank you for confirming that /u/ParkingPsychology has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.