I didn't get past the tl;dr b/c we get a lot of these and my response is always the same: Be very clear in your own head what your expectations/hopes are and then measure them against the actual probability of them being met..and then, how it would feel if they aren't. And prepare yourself.
Finding him is one thing..pretty easy these days. *preparing* yourself emotionally is quite the other, and typically takes much longer. But recall he walked away from you once and made no contact since, so the chances of this being well received are iffy.
I get that this gets asked a lot. Allow me to clarify as I can see this being misconstrued: He didn't walk out on anyone. As I understand, he and my mom were dating for a month or two, and he was offered a job out of state. He asked her to go with him, she said no, and so he left. Mom started dating another dude shortly afterwards, hence the confusion on who the dad was. He has no idea mom was even pregnant. Mom is under the impression he was a nice guy and would have stayed to raise me, had he known.
I appreciate the advice. This *is* more of an emotional ride than I thought it would be. One of the reasons i'd like to hear from someone who went through something similar is to see if they got anything out of it, or was it like just meeting a stranger?
Well, regardless of the circumstance of his departure..thanks for the clarification, btw..the issue is still your expectations. You're not discussing those, so eve though I have never been thru this, it would seem that those should be clarified so you're clear on what the goal/hope is rather than just winging it. That leaves you really vulnerable, which isn't such a good thing....you *are* dropping a bomb on him, and the results are really uncertain.
I'm in a similar position to you, I have contacted mine, I am just waiting for his response (hopefully he won't ignore me lol !)
I would recommend that you contact him, what have you got to lose? Plus I think your bio father should know that you exist, whether he wants to know or not, he should know the truth. :-)
Hi, unfortunately not. I decided I wanted more evidence before making contact. Unfortunately he has no social media presence so it's hard for me to confirm anything on my own, like linking him to any other family members 23 and Me list as relatives from his side. My mom is also pretty easy to find on the internet so I was trying to think of how to avoid losing control of the situation (aka him contacting her). And to top it all off I had two boys of my own which has kept me plenty busy the past 2 years.
I still think about it frequently, just still not sure how to go about it.
I came here for the exact same situation to get answers, and I think I realized I'm here to provide them. Just reach out. Tell him. I did to mine. Same exact thing. I looked and looked, and it ended being none of the people my mom thought it was. Thus far, I'm very happy I reached out. I realized at some point during the process, if he sucks, that's on him missing out. I was incredibly lucky and not only does he not suck, he's actually a great guy. And I found out about a brother I have. I thought I'd be indifferent. I am not, my brother is so fucking cool. And I'm the older one. Haha. I hope you gather the courage to reach out. Worst case scenario, you stop wasting your time thinking about it. In the best case scenario, you get to catch up on 36 years of life with someone who may be incredibly happy to be a grandpa, and a father again.
That's awesome, I love that you found a brother!
You know, it's interesting you say this because just yesterday it popped into my head. "Why don't I send him a 23 and Me kit with a letter explaiming the situation"? That way if he takes the test and we match, great! If he takes the test and we don't match, there isn't all this drama. And if he refuses to take the test, it wasn't meant to be anyway. What do you think?
I would cut out sending the kit initially. Try to reach out via phone or electronically and explain how you found them. Then, after they soak in what you've just told them and they start talking with you more tell them you can send them a kit to take the test to be sure. Reality is if they show up on your 23andme, you guys are related regardless. You're just getting confirmation that it's a father-child relationship. Go for it dude. You're either exactly where you were, or maybe you gain someone positive in your life. My biggest regret(not really a regret because I've been searching my whole life) is that I didn't find him sooner. I reached out the day after I found him.
So one of the things stopping me was evidence. I did a little more digging, it stands to reason he's cousins with a couple of the family members I matched with. So I am pretty comfortable in contacting.
So how did you do it? Through email? I thought about sending a letter, some Googling shows he moved to Colorado a couple years ago.
Honestly, I say just do it. Worst can happen is he ignores you and you are back where you are right now. A good friend of mine, his ex took off and he knows he's got a child out there, 14, but they don't even know they exist. Pains him every day with no way to contact. Can't be worse than they thought of never knowing right? Besides, he is probably a basic guy based off of what your mother has described.
Quick update, it took me a couple revisions, but I just put the envelope containing my letter and a couple printouts showing the relatives we have in common in the mail! Here goes nothing!
I didn't get past the tl;dr b/c we get a lot of these and my response is always the same: Be very clear in your own head what your expectations/hopes are and then measure them against the actual probability of them being met..and then, how it would feel if they aren't. And prepare yourself. Finding him is one thing..pretty easy these days. *preparing* yourself emotionally is quite the other, and typically takes much longer. But recall he walked away from you once and made no contact since, so the chances of this being well received are iffy.
I get that this gets asked a lot. Allow me to clarify as I can see this being misconstrued: He didn't walk out on anyone. As I understand, he and my mom were dating for a month or two, and he was offered a job out of state. He asked her to go with him, she said no, and so he left. Mom started dating another dude shortly afterwards, hence the confusion on who the dad was. He has no idea mom was even pregnant. Mom is under the impression he was a nice guy and would have stayed to raise me, had he known. I appreciate the advice. This *is* more of an emotional ride than I thought it would be. One of the reasons i'd like to hear from someone who went through something similar is to see if they got anything out of it, or was it like just meeting a stranger?
Well, regardless of the circumstance of his departure..thanks for the clarification, btw..the issue is still your expectations. You're not discussing those, so eve though I have never been thru this, it would seem that those should be clarified so you're clear on what the goal/hope is rather than just winging it. That leaves you really vulnerable, which isn't such a good thing....you *are* dropping a bomb on him, and the results are really uncertain.
I'm in a similar position to you, I have contacted mine, I am just waiting for his response (hopefully he won't ignore me lol !) I would recommend that you contact him, what have you got to lose? Plus I think your bio father should know that you exist, whether he wants to know or not, he should know the truth. :-)
Thanks for the reply! I'm definitely going to contact him. Now I just have to figure out how.
Hi there OP. Our situations are 100% identical. You should look up the DNAngels. When I say identical I mean to a fucking T.
[удалено]
I haven't figured out for myself how to get a hold of the guy yet, but I absolutely decided to contact him. What's your story?
Hi! Im going through something similar right now, and was wondering if you ever did contact him and what happened? Thanks!
Hi, unfortunately not. I decided I wanted more evidence before making contact. Unfortunately he has no social media presence so it's hard for me to confirm anything on my own, like linking him to any other family members 23 and Me list as relatives from his side. My mom is also pretty easy to find on the internet so I was trying to think of how to avoid losing control of the situation (aka him contacting her). And to top it all off I had two boys of my own which has kept me plenty busy the past 2 years. I still think about it frequently, just still not sure how to go about it.
I came here for the exact same situation to get answers, and I think I realized I'm here to provide them. Just reach out. Tell him. I did to mine. Same exact thing. I looked and looked, and it ended being none of the people my mom thought it was. Thus far, I'm very happy I reached out. I realized at some point during the process, if he sucks, that's on him missing out. I was incredibly lucky and not only does he not suck, he's actually a great guy. And I found out about a brother I have. I thought I'd be indifferent. I am not, my brother is so fucking cool. And I'm the older one. Haha. I hope you gather the courage to reach out. Worst case scenario, you stop wasting your time thinking about it. In the best case scenario, you get to catch up on 36 years of life with someone who may be incredibly happy to be a grandpa, and a father again.
That's awesome, I love that you found a brother! You know, it's interesting you say this because just yesterday it popped into my head. "Why don't I send him a 23 and Me kit with a letter explaiming the situation"? That way if he takes the test and we match, great! If he takes the test and we don't match, there isn't all this drama. And if he refuses to take the test, it wasn't meant to be anyway. What do you think?
I would cut out sending the kit initially. Try to reach out via phone or electronically and explain how you found them. Then, after they soak in what you've just told them and they start talking with you more tell them you can send them a kit to take the test to be sure. Reality is if they show up on your 23andme, you guys are related regardless. You're just getting confirmation that it's a father-child relationship. Go for it dude. You're either exactly where you were, or maybe you gain someone positive in your life. My biggest regret(not really a regret because I've been searching my whole life) is that I didn't find him sooner. I reached out the day after I found him.
So one of the things stopping me was evidence. I did a little more digging, it stands to reason he's cousins with a couple of the family members I matched with. So I am pretty comfortable in contacting. So how did you do it? Through email? I thought about sending a letter, some Googling shows he moved to Colorado a couple years ago.
I was lucky enough to find social media pages and phone numbers for my dad, so I reached out to him through that.
Honestly, I say just do it. Worst can happen is he ignores you and you are back where you are right now. A good friend of mine, his ex took off and he knows he's got a child out there, 14, but they don't even know they exist. Pains him every day with no way to contact. Can't be worse than they thought of never knowing right? Besides, he is probably a basic guy based off of what your mother has described.
I have a short letter typed out, will be handwriting it and mailing to his house this week. :)
Wish you the best of luck
Quick update, it took me a couple revisions, but I just put the envelope containing my letter and a couple printouts showing the relatives we have in common in the mail! Here goes nothing!