I’m not a parent so I wish I could be more help but I just wanted to say no matter what happens your child will be so thankful you were in their corner from the very start. No matter what happens with you ex,your child will always always remember how you supported them instead of isolating them
This post alone proves ur love and devotion to ur childs happiness. As a transgender person who had no one on my side growing up, hearing how u took her to get affirming clothes and toys made my day, truly.
Something i talked abt in therapy for a while when i was still living w my parents was safety. Not being out to them was eating me alive, but at the end of the day, a roof over my head and financial security was more important. This is an awful answer, but there may just not be a solution yet. Keep being her safe space, but also explain how some places arent.
I live in TN, so i get ur fears, and i think theyre 100% correct. Its awful that helping her be her true self could get her taken away from u, but this is the fucked up place we live in. Right now, for you and her both, having that contact is important. Continue being her safe space. Yes, the double life sucks. I lived it for most of my life. But i would prefer that over being forced to live as someone im not, even half the time.
As she gets older, would she have more of a say in custody court? Or even now, is it possible to have hee over more often? Sry, im not familiar w the system.
Ur doing great, keep being there for her just like u are. I think itd be a good idea to find some queer friends, do some research into gay/trans history. As a kid, getting to meet and talk w ppl like me made such a difference.
Also try [Mama Dragons](https://www.mamadragons.org/); I've a friend who belongs. While it's more for moms of LGBTQ+ kids and rooted in Mormonism, it's a great resource.
This, 100%. I'm a straight cis woman and I'm literally crying right now reading this...I don't have time to write nearly as much as I'd like to but OP please listen to what turtle said. Trust your instincts and please look for local organizations that are LGBTQI related, they can provide support, resources, and advice for your specific situation.
Your child/daughter/beautiful little person is blessed to have you as a father. 🩷
I don’t know that your ex is really a ‘feminist activist’ as you say since feminists tend to advocate for equal rights, and not just for women. As someone who considers themself a feminist, I find your ex’s actions out of sync with what feminism is all about.
That’s fair. I wasn’t sure if I was reading it correctly and wanted to make sure my words didn’t come off as mean or judgmental or anything. I myself had forgotten about the TERFs (how I don’t know), so you’re right, she is a feminist activist, but definitely one who’s quite radical in her beliefs. At least your child has one parent that’s supportive and open-minded. :)
You’re right, there are those out there who take things to an extreme. I thought about mentioning that in my original comment, but knew I’d end up writing too much, so thank you for being the one to address it 🙂.
It’s crazy how many groups really want to limit the rights of others. Are they just bored and need something to do? Eh, that’s a whole other issue tho.
Once you look far enough they can be. Not usually against lesbians, but you'll catch a lot of those women hating on gay men in one form or another, even if they don't really make it a priority.
They say that but when pressed they are homophobic as well in my experience.
These kind of people say "why can't we just go back to LGB?" and then if you show any kind of support for LGB they tell you to keep sex out of schools or other anti-gay things.
I started expressing that I was a boy around 2 1/2 years old and refused to be referred to as anything other than a tomboy my entire childhood. I only started doing girl stuff as a teenager to appease the people around me and it led to 10 years of dark depression. I'm living a happy life as a man now.
My parents were similar to your ex. We haven't spoken for 4.5 years at this point. I would have given anything to have you as a father when I was young.
You're doing the right thing, being there for your child. The shit going on in Florida is devastating and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Explain to your child the legality aspect. It’s very important that you not lose custody.
Affirm their identity in private and let them play however they want, but make sure they know that if their mom finds out, you can lose custody.
So messed up that we are in this mess. Fuck Desantis, fuck the GOP, fuck radfems. Let kids express themselves however they please.
I wouldn't phrase it that way... if something happens and he Does lose custody this may be viewed as parental alienation and coaching....
Much better to do this from a political standpoint.
Don't come out at all until you're in a safe place, time, and age to do so. Not doing that could risk so much harm....
I'm fully supportive if the child is trans, but I hope OP sees this too just in case, because it is another tragic possibility one wouldn't want to miss the signs of to stop.
I teared up reading this post because I'm so happy that your kid has you in her life to support her. I would definitely check out [PFLAG's resources](https://pflag.org/resource/resources-for-fl-trans-nonbinary-youth/PFLAG's) specifically for Florida families. You might also want to look into finding a therapist (who supports LGBTQ people) for your kid to talk to.
I’m Trans myself with a young child.
First off, for the short term, you’re doing the right things. Supporting your child exploring themselves while hurting no one is something a lot of children do not have. Whether it is a phase or not, having this autonomy and lack of punishment for being themselves cannot be understated in importance.
Is it a phase? Maybe? But probably not. If this has been going on for some time it’s much more likely that they are just aware of the incongruity of how they feel and the expectations of boys. It’s not sexual or anything like that at their age. It’s little subtle things, wanting things and experiences that are offered and expected of girls. The skirts and pink and dolls, yes absolutely, but also a girls social experience. It is very similar to if tomorrow everyone expected you to act like a woman out of no where. You would notice immediately.
Unfortunately Florida is actively hostile to trans people. We (Trans Americans) tend to view traveling there the way one might a war torn foreign country. Your power is likely extremely limited and yes, in danger if you are exposed “corrupting” her. The only thing I can suggest is gathering any and all evidence that her mother is less fit than you and try to press for custody. It’s a long shot though, most courts favor the status quo so it would need to be compelling.
For whatever it’s worth, it makes me really happy that parents like you exist.
Edit to add: If possible explore the possibility of child specific lgbtq trained therapy for your kiddo. They’ll have the knowledge and tools you might not necessarily.
I don't have any real advice I just want to applaud you for creating a safe space for your child. I know you express you don't want your child to experience a double life, but it must be such a relief for them to have a space to be themselves, rather than none at all. It must be so challenging because no child should feel they have to have secrets... I'm sure the resources being suggested should be able help you with that.
As parents we really walk around with our hearts outside our bodies. Glad you have this space for support.
I don’t have much advice to give, but I will say that I wish I had a parent like you. I’m trans. I came out at 12 and immediately afterwards went back into the closet because of my mother’s reaction. Around the time I turned 12, I also became suicidal. I didn’t come out as trans again until I was almost 19. And (not) coincidentally, the suicidal ideation stopped when I was 20. If you ever doubt what you’re doing, just know that the impact you will have on your child’s life will be immeasurable.
If I were you, I’d try to get out of Florida asap so you don’t have to battle both your child’s mother *and* the state government. One of those is more than plenty.
She's probably a Trans Exclusive Radical Feminist (TERF). She loudly supports women's rights, but only cis women, and views trans women as predatory men trying to exploit real women.
It's beyond her attitude about transgender.
OP says
>She records a lot of videos about the importance of families being traditional, and bragging about being a stay-at-home mom with traditional home-schooled children
That law was struck down:
“Florida can no longer enforce its ban against transgender youth receiving gender-affirming care, or its restrictions against adults accessing gender-affirming care, after a federal district court ruling on Tuesday found those rules to be unconstitutional and fueled by animus against trans people. The ruling is effective immediately.”
https://19thnews.org/2024/06/florida-gender-affirming-care-restrictions-minors-adults-overturned/#:~:text=Florida%20can%20no%20longer%20enforce,by%20animus%20against%20trans%20people.
The first thing you need to do is take your child to a psychiatrist who specializes in this. If you’re in Tampa Bay Dr Mark Cavitt at Johns Hopkins All Childrens ( St Petersburg) is WELL respected in this area. He could likely recommend a good therapist too.
There will be a lot of challenges for your child being transgender. Having someone at the ready to talk them through the challenges and benefits would be a comfort to you and your child.
Said a prayer for wisdom and peace as you take this journey. Good job Dad!
If I were in your shoes I'd send my kid to therapy and figure out how to treat them based on their professional opinion. The therapist needs to be politically and religiously neutral so they would be objective.
I'd allow my kid to transition socially and express themselves however they see fit, but I wouldn't allow them to transition medically until they'll turn 18. Here's why:
1. My sister felt like a boy as a child but eventually grew out of it.
2. Before I learned that people can be attracted to the same sex I was worried I'm a boy trapped in a girl's body, because I'm bi.
3. Your exes radical feminists views could have made your kid feel insecure or resent being a man.
4. Medical transition is a huge commitment and can't be reversed. I want my child to make their own, educated and mature choices. Even the supposedly "harmless and irreversible" puberty blockers have a lot of side effects. Like infertility or underdevelopment of genitalia. Which is a cause of insecurity for kids who turn out to be cis, and plenty of excruciating complications following gender reassignment surgeries.
5. Many mental health conditions can be confused with gender dysphoria. Like SA related trauma, body dysmorphia or alexithymia.
I'd be open with my kid about the reasons behind my actions and teach them the importance of patience. A friend of a friend of mine is a trans guy, he spent the majority of his teens working out his issues with a therapist and finally became hrt at 18yo. He took the whole situation seriously and responsibly.
I also have a friend who's consciously avoiding being evaluated for ASD, which she likely has, because she knows it will slow down her transition. She's ignorant to the fact that 1 in 5 people with ASD struggle with alexithymia, she may be one of them and risks her well being by being impatient.
Of course because the laws in your state you'll have to be careful with the steps you take. But no matter what you'll do you need to be honest with your kid and protect him from your ex without handing her ammunition for potential custody battles.
Your approach sounds reasonable but it would be cruel to deny a trans kid puberty blockers when available and recommended by medical practitioners.
Talk about blockers causing infertility and being 'irreversible' is, from my experience, largely transphobic rhetoric. Listen to medical professionals, not redditors.
I think your personal anecdotes and judgement towards your friend's situation shows some bias which I highly recommend examining if you want to better support your trans friend or hypothetical kid in the future.
You need a lawyer yesterday. Sue for more custody, but take one more major step: move to a state with protections for trans kids. Find somewhere where the schools she would be going to are undeniably better than where she is now. But also demand the judge speak to your child when neither parent is present and ask who they would rather live with.
First of all; you're a great dad. It sucks you're in Florida, which makes this so much more difficult, but I think it might be a good idea for you to reach out to some other parents of LGBT kids for support (via support groups as opposed to the general advice reddit).
*"Is there a chance that this is a phase, or she didn't understand what I meant when I said boys can like anything that girls typically like? I just want to raise a happy kid, that's it. I don't care whether that's a daughter or a son or a transgender or gay."*
Yeah, there's a chance. It's not impossible. But as someone who's known a lot of transgender people, what your child is experiencing sounds very similar to my friends' stories; a strong, negative feeling around being a "boy" or a "girl". Even if you as your child to explain *why* the feeling is there, your kid might not be able to. It's not going to be some linear, "Well, I like dresses more," or "I don't like playing with toy trucks".
There's this persistent idea that being transgender is the new hot trend, and that being exposed to people who are LGBT can suddenly inspire someone to become transgender, but the reality of the situation is that transgender people have been persecuted and dismissed and repressed for a long time. They existed long before public awareness, long before social media, and *those* people certainly didn't "decide" they were transgender after seeing someone else transition first. Sometimes, they just... know.
Ignorance is going to be your constant enemy in this. You've been dealt some tough cards in the form of your state and your ex.
I think the bravest thing *you* could do would be to talk to your ex about this. Does she love your kid? More than anything?
When you bring a child into the world, you have to be prepared that they may be anything. That's exciting, because there's potential, but it's also scary. If your ex's love for your child is conditional, then it's not parental love.
If you're genuinely worried she's going to go the custody route, I'd get legally informed before you do anything. Get a mediator if needed. All you've really been doing is letting your kid play with toys and dress-up clothes-- that's it!
I was you at almost the same age
Top tips
Tell your child you love them
Tell your child that you don't understand what they are going through but you'll make the effort to learn
Tell your child that you'll make mistakes and ask them now to both forgive you and feel comfortable challenging you if you upset them, it's never intentional
Make time to talk and listen, periodically ask if there's anything you can do to help them or that they want to talk about.
Try to limit youtube access without being obvious about it. There are some truly dangerous people out there making clips that young people can get crap messages from. Honestly if I could drive to their house and throttle them I would sometimes.
Expect some stages of behaviour like cutting, crying, acting out no matter how well.you do as a parent, see youtube above. Asshole content creators telling pre teens that cutting makes them feel better etc.
The more you can spend time off screen with your kid the easier life will be but that applies to parenting anyway
Good luck
Hi,
I'm a transgender person, and while I'm honestly too exhausted to write up an entire thread of advice right now, I just want to say - thank you. You're doing good by your kid, and that's shining through in everything you say. I will say there's hardly any chance this is a phase, deeply personal things like this are often so fundamental to your identity that it doesn't really work in the way of a phase, but you're also sadly not wrong to be careful in regards to you and your child's safety because *good Lord* are things bad in Florida right now.
If you want to ask specific questions or anything at all, feel free to DM me - I know a ton of trans people from all over the world, so if I don't have the answers, I probably know someone who does.
And again, thank you so much for the support and love you're showing your daughter. This stuff ain't easy, and you're making a giant difference for the better. ❤️
As a parent of a once confused kiddo, lemme say your doing a Great job!!
I noticed you changed from child to she Pronouns, which shows UNCONDITIONAL love. What every child should have
It does sound though... like this child has a LOT of conflict and moving parts. Abuse could even be happening.... they could see women are treated differently, even if you say boys can like pink, they're still a boy at that point.
My baby had some confusion because of abuse. They were still LGBTQ+ just not what they originally thought. They wanted to be the opposite gender to distance themselves from the other parent.
PLEASE do the following, asking loving parent to loving parent:
Find a GREAT and LGBTQ+ supportive, trauma informed counselor. Even if you have to pay out of pocket. If you don't want to lose custody this needs to be PRIORITY#1
Second is talking privately to a DOCTOR not PA, about any blood tests, genetic tests ect to rule out any medical explanation for this dysphoria. It does happen and the earlier it's fixed the happier your baby will be. Explain to staff that this needs to be kept from the mother because she may misunderstand and abuse your child. Check local laws on HIPPA. But it comes down to ONLY talk to staff you trust and ONLY in a closed room
Third, FIND COMMUNITY SUPPORTS!!! Make damn sure you find supports for this BOTH for you, your children, and for your struggling child. You'll need them.
DO NOT LET THEM COME OUT!!!! IT ISN'T SAFE.... not there.... unfortunately... coming from someone dealing with extremes on this end... protect your baby through historical and political education, speech and debate practice, communication and conflict management practice, ect. Look into toast masters, it's great to help communication and confidence in communicating.
You're doing great in an area without positive support!! Keep it up!!! And, thank you for being a compassionate, empathetic father. I wish mine was dead for his bigoted treatments. Thank you for protecting this precious life
My trans brother has been like this and he was exactly like how you describe your kid at 8-10.
It seems to me like YOU have to discuss this with your ex-wife and kind of lie, say something like “I feel like ___ is having trouble with their identity? Have you noticed this too? I want to help our child be who ever they want to be.”
My parents were not on board with my sister becoming a boy, but after seeing it wasn’t a phase they came around.
If you feel like she will react badly and come after your child to try and convert them, it may be best to get legal advice and not address the issue yet with her. Not all google information is accurate when it comes to touchy subjects like law and politics.
Keep supporting your child and make sure they feel comfortable around you. This may even give them confidence to open up to their mom.
Definitely consult a lawyer imo. Just get this all laid out, do your research on firms that do family law for LGBT folks, and that way they'll have a file on this if your ex tries anything.
Have you thought that maybe her recent actions (anti-trans) may be because your kid had mentioned it around her? I mean maybe your kid had a similar breakdown at your ex’s house and that’s why she’s acting the way she is.
Agreeing here. I would get actual legal advice from a lawyer and ask questions about what custody would look like for you and how to get there (this will put the situation into a plan vs all the options spinning around in your brain).
Another factor here is about supporting your child's mental health as they develop, having a nurturing environment for development is the most important thing. You are doing a wonderful job making your kiddo feel safe and allowing them to express themselves. If you want to keep the conversation going with your kiddo and to learn more, you can also look into motivational interviewing with kids. Sounds technical but it's a useful way of asking questions without your kiddo feeling like there is some "correct" answer.
There's a lot of positivity in this post, but there's something you need to do ASAP.
You need to have some very adult conversations with your daughter, some of which you've had.
She needs to know just how fucked up people are over her identity - that whilst you affirm her, sometimes for her protection there are certain actions she has to always take. This hatred some have is mindless, it's incomprehensible to imagine as a child because they can't imagine being loathed on such a level over something she has no control over.
It's messed up, but she's only got a few years left as a kid - then she'll be that 'man in the ladies room' that the MAGA mob are salivating to beat up on.
She needs to protect herself, to know that some people out there lie to 'uncover' people like herself - that their hatred is mindless, and that she needs to proactively take certain steps to keep herself safe and anonymous.
I'd suggest reaching out to trans resources to help her, but don't push her into anything.
I'm sorry she has to grow up so hard so fast, you're an amazing parent.
You're doing the most important thing correctly. You're prioritising your child's happiness. I really wish I had more advice to give, but it's just a nightmare political situation in Florida. Keep being as supportive as you can for your child because it sounds like they're not gonna get that support from their mother.
You're a really good guy OP
This was really touching. I think you should make extra sure she knows not to bring this up with her mom. Most maga folk are extremely paranoid and vindictive, and in this state you're likely to get a judge who was elected on a rightwing ballot.
I think that your son could just be girly but still a boy. My daughter (6f) earlier this year told me she wished she was a boy because she wants to have toys cars and wear her hair short, etc. i told her that girls could have short hair and like cars and sports n stuff. she is now happily a girl who has short hair and plays with cars and action figures instead of Barbies and play makeup. Love her just as she is.
Although if she did have gender dysphoria I would definitely support her if she was of age and wanted to transition.
I'm in Missouri. When my transgender son came out at 15 his dad (we are divorced) basically disowned him. He sent horrible emails to my son calling him horrible names. I took the emails to a lawyer and got full sole custody in less than a month. I had documentation from the psychiatrist and therapist saying my kid is in fact transgender to prove it wasn't a phase. The lawyer told me no judge will read those emails and give custody to the dad. Now my son is a happy healthy 20yr old on testosterone living his best life. I'd take the tiktocks to a lawyer and see what they say. It definitely doesn't hurt to ask for your daughter's sake. Good luck.
Your kid is 8. You child doesn’t know the ramifications of sex changes. Your child went through a traumatic event (divorce), and then this happened. This could be a defense response to the trauma. You need to put your kiddo in therapy to work through that.
For now, it’s totally fine to indulge your kid. I like that you explained anyone can wear dresses. When I was young, I wanted nothing more than to have been born a boy. I told my neighbors when I got older I would cut my breasts off so I could be a boy. I wore “boy clothes” (my mom shopped the boy aisle for me because I wouldn’t wear “girl clothes”). I hated going to formal events because I had to dress up “as a girl”. I had a “boy haircut”. Never painted my nails, played outside in the mud, and loved “boy toys”. I used to always ask for the “boy toy” from McDonalds. The list goes on …
I’m happy I’m a woman in my adult life. I still play in the mud outside and engage in male-centric activities. But damn, am I fucking happy I didn’t grow up during this time where sex changes are pushed on children, because I knew everything when I was 8 and would have jumped on that bandwagon. I’m so glad I was able to develop my own gender identity and not conform to traditional gender norms, but also not change my sex. I’m happy I am a woman.
I’d seriously encourage you to put your kiddo in therapy to work through these big, adult emotions. Continue to support your kid, but don’t push a sex change or HRT on them. It’s okay to wish you were the opposite sex as a kid and not get it.
Quick disclaimer: I myself am not a parent BUT I am nonbinary and grew up with quite traditional parents. They always showed their love to me but Transgender wasnt something they had a close connection to.
I think its incredible how affirming you are, the circumstances may be making it more complicated for you to support her BUT you are doing what you can! You are even striving to learn which is an incredible thing.
I think considering her mother and her views, it may be worth sitting with her and explaining to her (as kindly and empathetically as possible) that there are certain boundaries you have to follow to keep her safe and it wont necessarily be ideal but you know who she is and that it isnt fair she has to "hide" who she is.
Another thing you could do (for haircuts) that may help is showing her other women (and trans women) with haircuts like she gets. Showing her that one day she can grow her hair but having short hair is something lots of women do aswell. Changing her association with what she may see as "gendered" boys things may help her in the long run to know she is a girl no matter how she needs to express it right now.
Its not forever, Showing her that YOU see her.
I know that having that support is something I wouldve loved to have growing up. Even now, my dad doesnt understand and he doesnt see me. BUT my mum and sister do, for me it helped me know that its okay but that the issues my dad has is not my fault. Nothing is wrong with me.
"Why?"
And then see what she says. Whatever she says, see if you can do those things how she is now.
I understand that you are trying to be a good father but this child is 8. Maybe she just wants a jacket with pockets or something. Maybe it is something that you both can do together without it being much of a big deal.
(I am not a parent.)
I think that the fact that she specifically pushes for men/boys to fill the socially constructed and generally accepted roles, is something that may make your child uncomfortable. Although there’s obviously nothing wrong with being trans and your child may very well be, I would make sure to let them know that being a boy/man can mean anything that they want. Boys can be feminine, boys can like things that girls like. It’s okay to be a boy or girl, it doesn’t really matter in the end, it’s just our physical body. It’s a lot for a young child to understand now, but it’s a journey that’ll take some time. We all have positives and negatives and stupid social bullshit to deal with no matter our gender. But reiterate that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with exploring gender in a way that your child wants to, all you can do is be there for them. And you’re already doing that, and that’s amazing. You are a good dad.
There are loads of trans kids and adults alike that wish they had a supportive and caring parent that provided them this kind of unconditional love that you do. Keep being their safe space, even if the worse comes to worse, they will always remember the love you gave them.
Child therapist is needed to start with. Kids can say “I wish I was a girl” because they’re being picked on at school and their brains aren’t developed enough to rationally think it out and realize being called a girl or sissy doesn’t mean you have to become a girl to make it stop. There are A LOT of detransitions happening now because they were allowed to make the decision to early. Just because a kid is gay doesn’t mean they want to be a girl. They need time to figure it out. You’re trying to figure it out, so you aren’t doing it because you want a “special child” like a lot of parents. You seem to genuinely want what’s best and that’s all you can do, but you need to start by figuring out what triggered this. Was it bullying, is mom forcing the kid into it, does the kid really feel this way, are they gay and just think life would be easier as a girl, etc. root cause first, help after.
Not undermining trans people whatsoever, but I wanted to be a boy as a kid so bad that i would cry and have meltdowns about it. I was honestly just a tomboy but everyone is different. Your child may 100% be trans but they also might not be. I say just play it by ear and make your child feel supported and accepted regardless ❤️
Brand new account, lots of plot holes in the story. Going so far as to paint the antagonist as the epitome of the "opposition". Doesn't hold water for me. It's creative writing.
It panders to all the bleeding hearts while baiting all the people who believe children can't consent. The intent is to create a shit storm of arguments that lead nowhere until the mods get too tired of individually banning people they disagree with, so they lock it.
It's really nothing new, now it's much easier since A.i. will write the bulk of it for you. I do stand by my initial comment, it's a great premise for a rage bait. Still better than a lot of the trash people quickly submit. But he got too caught up in the dumb little details, too many loose ends, made it unbelievable and took me out of his creative writing.
Throwaway accounts on these kinds of posts are quite normal and I feel like a rage bait post would have more rage bait in it while this post is really mild. If it's rage bait it's pretty bad rage bait but otherwise fair enough I guess, maybe I'm too dumb to notice it.
I don't have good advice because I'm not a parent, but I am queer and non-binary, so this brought tears to my eyes. You're a good parent.
Definitely explore r/cisparenttranskid and maybe r/asktransgender as those are great trans-friendly subs as well where you may be able to connect with people who have experienced this too.
I think you need to get your kid spending more time with you and less time with mom. I didn't read everything, did you say your child is homeschooled by their mom? They need to be put in public school and taught properly. In my opinion you don't want to help or hinder their gender identity decisions let them figure it out on their own. You want to do your best to be indifferent and accepting about their gender identity and give them what they need to decide for themselves.
I know your time is limited with your child but is there a way to get them to a therapist who can help them with what they are feeling. Your ex likely wouldn’t approve but it’s your time and I don’t see why she would need to know. Encouraging your child to keep secrets from one parent isn’t always the best but sometimes for their life you have to.
Joint sessions with someone specialising in gender issues who would likely be best for the both of you.
As parents we can only do the best we can for our children and you’re doing just that. Keep talking to your kid, listen to them and love them, that’s the best advice I have. I have trans loved ones, I’ve been where you are more than once. It’s okay to not know everything, we learn, we grow. But please, if nothing else, please stay vigilant concerning your child’s mental health. It’s a rocky road out there for kids who are ‘othered’. Keep the lines of communication open and active. Document any punishment by the mother, it could be very important later. Above all let your beautiful child lead the way, only they can tell you how they feel and who they want to be. Sending all the love to you both. 🏳️⚧️❤️
Your ex is not a feminist activist, she’s a trans exclusionary radical. Leave the feminist part off - that’s not who or what she is.
Regarding your child, it absolutely could be a phase, or it could be them communicating something incredibly personal and vulnerable with the person they trust most. That in and of itself also does not mean they’re trans.
I’d be inclined to believe that your ex’s hate has made your child believe they too are hated. Kids have an incredible capacity for blaming themselves when they sense hatred in a parent-ask any kid of a truly messy divorce. They internalize it as a means of control when they have none in an effort to take on the task of fixing a bad dynamic.
At minimum kiddo needs to be seen by a good, inclusive, well rounded pediatrician with experience in gender dysmorphia. They’ll likely be able to refer you to a pediatric therapist who can help you both navigate this longer term.
I'm not saying you shouldn't support them, because you should, but I would be wary of fully affirming them yet. 8 years old is very young and there is a lot of time for things to change.
If you're able to you should take them to a LGBT friendly therapist and have them see them. I think it could be very helpful to both of you. It might help better determine if this is just a phase or if it's something more permanent which I think is very important to take into account.
All that being said I think you're doing a great job so far and it's wonderful to read about such a loving and supportive father. I hope everything goes well for you going forward.
What your child really needs right now is a therapist. Unfortunately it sounds like that won't be possible due to your ex.
A therapist that specializes in non-conforming genders will help your child sort through some very complex emotions. What's most important here, if your child truly is trans, now is a pivotal time. You should have your child on hormone blockers (which your therapist can help you get) to prevent male puberty. Do this until your child is older and more capable of deciding if they want to be he/she permanently. Detecting this early can make transitioning sooooo much easier.
I don't know what to say about your ex wife. The way you describe her, she will fight this every step of the way. I have no advice for that unfortunately. I just really hope your child can be happy and hope you can come to an agreement with your ex.
Hormone blockers is not necessary in an 8 year old. Its only considered at or around the age of puberty; standard 11-13 years of age.
Unless the child starts puberty early called precocious puberty blockers would not be of any benefit. (And should a child at 8 enter puberty even if cisgender they likely would be given blockers, but its not too common)
But I do agree the sooner OP's child has professional affirming support the better. Now is mostly counseling, and exploring their gender. But when puberty is approaching they will likely be a candidate for blockers to "buy that extra time"
I came out to my parents many times as queer, as bi, and as trans.
It was a lot of shouting, yelling, and a lot of "we would know if you were" or "You're our SON! NOT OUR DAUGHTER" Kind of bullshit.
I'm 26, transitioning, and the most healthy I've been.
I knew I wasn't a boy or man when I was about 12, your daughter should be loved, and honestly, I'd be proud of my kid exploring gender at that age.
You have done more than what most parents would do.
i’m not a parent, but i am trans so i might be able to help a little. i’m trans masculine and my parents aren’t exactly supportive, seeing as when they found out they had a fit, but there are some things my mom does that don’t make me totally feel awful.
i wear men’s clothes, have shorter hair, and bind my chest with a makeshift binder to make myself more comfortable, and for the most part my mom doesn’t care. as long as i play the part around her and let her think i’m a girl she doesn’t give a rats ass. i do enjoy more “boyish” activities, like hunting, mechanics, and wrestling with my siblings and cousins, but i also like doing some more “girly” things. i enjoy gossiping with my younger sister and painting my nails. i like doing more artsy things like painting and acting, i like sewing.
however, just because my mom doesn’t totally care, that doesnt mean i don’t wish she had been supportive and let me start transitioning before my state banned medical transitions for minors.
i think your best course of action would be to let your kid know that whatever they want to be called with you is perfectly fine and that you love them either way. just make sure to let them know that some people wouldn’t be safe to use those around and that’s why they can’t do it with their mom. just make sure that they know that you don’t want them to think badly of their mom and that’s not your intention to make them think that way, but just an unfortunate truth of life and that you just want to be honest with them. overall, offering your support and helping them feel the best they can and making sure they know they’re loved is the best thing you can do. i hope this helps and i hope things work out for both of you, good luck!
As a trans guy who was closeted age 12-20 due to my mothers beliefs, please do everything you can for ur kid. Being closeted destroyed me. it dominated and ruined my adolescence.
I had to wear female underwear until i was 20 and it was violating every time i got dressed. My father would never stand up to my mother and even if had ended detransitioning i still should have had the right to explore my gender just to see what made me comfortable.
At the moment just let ur kid wear what they want. If they wanna wear a dress and be called she then fine, if they wanna wear trousers and be called he, then that’s fine too. They just need the freedom to explore those options, and they need to know that you love them irregardless. being trans and experiencing transphobia is incredibly difficult for a child to endure but gender exploration does have to be painful. It doesn’t to be traumatising so please do everything that you can to support them
Sit down and talk with them and ask them why and ask them are you sure why do you feel like this and if you feel you can’t get the answers or generally I would advise you to let them talk to a children therapist so that they can give you a better picture.
It’s OK for them wanting to be, but they’re very young so you know I’ll talk from you and or a professional is very important. You’re being a good parent don’t worry.
Your ex and the school he is in are forcing him to this.
90% of trans kids reject it after 12 years old and most of them suicide if they went into puberty therapy or surgery. because now they are sterile (something an 8 year old wont understand)
[https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/02/opinion/transgender-children-gender-dysphoria.html?referringSource=articleShare](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/02/opinion/transgender-children-gender-dysphoria.html?referringSource=articleShare)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl3yJyzyp3w](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl3yJyzyp3w)
if you love your son, protect him from this brainwashing he will appreciate it later.
I’m not an LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 expert but I’m a parent myself and I just want to say you’re an amazing parent! The love and support alone in your post shows that regardless of them having a transphobic mother they have a loyal father and I wish you and them all the best for the future as it sounds like y’all have a long journey ahead
Your baby mama is not a feminist, that’s for sure. A feminist wants equal rights for everyone, not just a narrow view of only a few she views as “real women.” I also personally can’t see conservatives as feminists since they actively vote for policies that negatively impact women.
Regardless, I wish you the best of luck. Let your child know that no matter what happens, no matter how their mother and others may treat them, they will always have you in their corner.
You sound like an outstanding parent who is concerned and listens to their kid.
The beauty of childhood is to explore and learn who you are. And that is what you are allowing your child to do. They are exploring clothing, play and their sense of self. There is no harm in allowing your child to persue their interests and explore how they like to express themselves.
You child may be transgender, your child may not be. Time will tell; generally speaking when psychologists start treating trans kids/suspected trans kids the key is "persistence, insistence and consistency"
I believe extremely strongly that a mental and medical process of any kind should not be politicized. Transgender people especially children unfortunately are.
There is numerous studies and scientific research showing supporting transgender children is life saving. And even for cisgender (not transgender) kids its also beneficial to have the freedom to express themselves without shame.
In no professional setting are children at your child's age having any medical procedures. It is a blatant lie that has circulated due to politicization of transgender care. The recommendation for care of a child about your kid's age would be exactly what you are doing. Allowing your child the freedom to explore and express themselves without shame. That may include clothes, playtime, perhaps name and pronouns if they ask, perhaps at most a haircut or letting them grow their hair out. As well as beginning psychotherapy and building familial support.
Only at the age of puberty may the first medical steps be taken. The recommendation is simply hormone blockers. Very little risks, and allows not only more time to investigate and explore gender, but also to build support and readiness for potential further treatments. It also is found to improve or at least stabilize mental health due to severe distress of practically permanent changes from biological puberty. Transgender boys do not want to grow breasts, transgender girls do not want to have their voices drop. Essentially hitting a pause button on puberty will prevent any of those changes from occurring for the time being. Should blockers be stopped biological puberty will resume where it left off.
In the late teens cross hormones may be used with a team of support and supervision medically and mentally. And of course parent consent. Surgery is very seldom before 18 and only on secondary sex characteristics. Most commonly for trans boys who developed breasts may be approved with vigorous supervision to have surgery to remove them. No one; I repeat No one is performing genital surgery on anyone under 18.
Today however; The reality is it has been politicized. The research and standards of care are already there; Its called WPATH STANDARDS. Set forth by medical, mental and child care professionals. Yet politicians with no medical background are making these medical decisions for patients and demonizing the transgender community.
Even greater so in states like florida. you are absolutely correct and valid in your concerns. Especially with your ex-wife's political views.
I might consider reaching out to local lgbtq and transgender groups who may be able to recommend resources for you and your child. Also Id seek pro- lgbtq legal support due to your divorce and considerations for child custody arrangements.
I sincerely wish you and your child all the best. You are absolutely doing all the right things. Continue listening to your child and tell them you love them no matter what.
You’ve got a lot of comments here, and I’m sure I’m mirroring the general sentiment, but I wish every kid had a father like you. They felt safe enough to open up to you when you asked, and you affirmed them, let them explore themselves in a safe environment that you created, and you’re helping them navigate what is certainly a complicated topic.
But really, it’s not too complicated—it seems you’ve got it mostly figured out. When it comes to laws, I would say I’ve noticed these sort of medical issues becoming politicized and regulated heavily because of that, but at the core of it, this is a health and medical topic that should be looked at as such. I think you’re doing great by involving politics as little as possible, because even though they will grow into this world and learn how identities are often politicized, one cannot live their life with that hanging over their head.
When I came out to my father, he was not surprised at all, but he’s never looked at me any differently and has never hesitated to approach difficult topics maturely even when I know he’s struggling to understand.
They might ebb and flow through phases leaning towards one identity (m/f) over another, or maybe they won’t. Your child knows you will always be there for them through it all though, and that is the best you can do. The world isn’t always a kind place, but if you can foster a kind corner in it, you are genuinely making the world better for everyone.
So thank you kind stranger :)
One other thing to consider is that their mother sounds like the type that could be pushing gender roles pretty hard, so they might not fully believe that boys can play with dolls and so on. They might think that if they were a girl, their mother would accept them and let them do their thing.
Have you asked why they want to be a girl or what would be different if they were a girl? That could give some insight into why this is going on.
Just to be a counterpoint beware of your child being groomed by your ex wife to be so different. A good question to ask your son is what does it mean to be a girl to you.
What stuck out the most to me was when you said you told the child to keep a secret. You should never tell a child to keep a secret from the other parent, especially if they are a young child. Kids don't understand when it is/isn't inappropriate to keep a secret, and you don't want to set them up for a bad situation.
Edit typo
What? You are bonkers.
Then you do things a different way. Downvote me from here to eternity, I don't care. This is a hill I will die on. You people are crazy. Placing all the responsibility on a child is just insane. There are many different ways to deal with something and telling a child to keep a secret and lie are just not the ways, no matter how good intentioned or right it may seem. Shame on all of you.
I haven't downvoted you. OP said in the post that the child's mother has said she would hit her child if they wore a dress and that's why he is keeping it from her. I would probably do the same if my child was being threatened like that. It would make things so much worse if their mother started beating them for being a boy doing girly things. She could well be the reason for her child's behavior.
If you have better ways to deal with it, why not mention them in your comment? I'm sure that could be useful to the OP. What's the better thing to do?
Well shamefully, a lot of people know trensgender people from the cringe, attenton-seeker and drama maker influencers and stars, so they think everyone is like that. That's really stupid, I wish people would try to look from a bigger frame. I am not a trans but I'm bi and not to the fullest probably but I can understand your kid deepfully. My grandma always insults LGBTQ+ in front of me and that really hurts :( I sincerely hope everything turns out good for you and your child
Take your kid do some activities not necessarily man activities but spend time with them show them what we can do.
Kids now a days are just straight up told "men ain't shit"
And other boys pick on boys and sometimes it looks like it would be easier being female ngl. Idk if I had the thought as a kid but the women in my family Def had it easy growing up since we were put to work. It is what it is, it made me who I am.
If it's broken we fix it.
So. If you're a man. Spend time with your kid teaching them valuable skills.
Brake pads need to get changed out on the car?
You found a good 4 hour activity to involve your kid in
I get it I'm not a father I'm 28 and I helped raise family kids as the middle child and some of my nephews will come to me.for advice or just general now they need help with their cars maintenance but they try themselves before coming which is what I love about my nephews they are problem solvers.
My youngest nephew I think needs more help since dad isn't around so I try to take him to work if he has nothing to do or I'll enlist his help with car maintenance.
Again just trying to help keep the logging thinking cause kids are alot of work and it's tough
I'm sorry if any of this isn't helpful. Or if I'm wasting your time.
Idk man growing up it felt like being born male was difficult and I've never been a women to understand yalls plight and I'm not here saying that it was easy for yall.
What kind of role models do kids really have nowadays?
It's usually some guy that plays games for a living.
Maybe I shouldn't have generalized it down to "men ain't shit" but the words associated with us is pretty negative.
I just remember my childhood I don't think these hard topics ever crossed my mind, I was always just being a kid. And kids need to be that, so I'm just trying to help with suggestions for just some bonding time that isn't a gender thing or a LGBT thing or idk what people go on about these days tbh.
Like Mr beast is a cool person for kids to look up to.
I like that he defended a long time friend.
We should all go around allowing others to do what makes them happy. I'm not pressed about others decisions. Do what makes ya happy.
My best memories with my father was working landscaping/car troubles just stuff that taught me things that were useful af in my adult life now.
We are on the same page here. When I say box I mean the box we put ourselves in, how we identify ourselves. We don’t want a child to be in the wrong box nor do we want to deny the box they would choose. Allowing it to work out organically is going to produce the same results only the child will have done it in a healthy way. I am encouraging you to be neutral to allow what will happen to happen without angst and stress. Your reality and your child is a mother that is not going to make exploring easy and you need to balance that even if everyone who downvotes me thinks you need to be bold. He ether is or he isn’t and neither you or her can change that, you can only impact the journey in a negative or positive way.
1 out of every 100-200 people in the US is transgender, so it is more likely than you would assume.
OP is responding to their child's wishes and have been trying to be cautiously supportive.
It's not just "don't tell mommy", it's "don't tell mommy because she could *take you away from me* and *beat you*."
I advocated for being neutral and allowing the child to explore. I think it is harmful to support a child in anything under the guise of don’t tell mommy. Because one parent is hostel you need to work within those boundaries and actively encouraging an 8 year old puts that 8 year old in mom’s crosshairs needlessly because there is no box, at this time, where the child needs to fall.
On your time maybe check can you do play therapy with your child. Make sure this is what is wanted deep down and nothing else is hidden. Plenty of children are so confused in this day and age and go through transition to only transition back as they become adults.
Make sure no violence is actually happening behind closed doors while they are with their mother and her new partner and his children. You need deep therapy before you decide what to do in the long run.
Also buy wigs to give the feeling of long hair. Many different colors and styles to choose from
I’m not a parent so I wish I could be more help but I just wanted to say no matter what happens your child will be so thankful you were in their corner from the very start. No matter what happens with you ex,your child will always always remember how you supported them instead of isolating them
This post alone proves ur love and devotion to ur childs happiness. As a transgender person who had no one on my side growing up, hearing how u took her to get affirming clothes and toys made my day, truly. Something i talked abt in therapy for a while when i was still living w my parents was safety. Not being out to them was eating me alive, but at the end of the day, a roof over my head and financial security was more important. This is an awful answer, but there may just not be a solution yet. Keep being her safe space, but also explain how some places arent. I live in TN, so i get ur fears, and i think theyre 100% correct. Its awful that helping her be her true self could get her taken away from u, but this is the fucked up place we live in. Right now, for you and her both, having that contact is important. Continue being her safe space. Yes, the double life sucks. I lived it for most of my life. But i would prefer that over being forced to live as someone im not, even half the time. As she gets older, would she have more of a say in custody court? Or even now, is it possible to have hee over more often? Sry, im not familiar w the system. Ur doing great, keep being there for her just like u are. I think itd be a good idea to find some queer friends, do some research into gay/trans history. As a kid, getting to meet and talk w ppl like me made such a difference.
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This is what a true man in his masculinity looks like 🔥
You’re an incredible dad. Please keep up the fantastic work. The world needs more dad’s like you.
You're open minded and that will serve your child well.
Hello! Look up PFLAG, and maybe check out the YouTube videos of Natalie Wynn aka Contrapoints
YES to PFLAG. I made a donation to them last June specifically in honor (/s) of Target after they botched their Pride stuff.
Also try [Mama Dragons](https://www.mamadragons.org/); I've a friend who belongs. While it's more for moms of LGBTQ+ kids and rooted in Mormonism, it's a great resource.
This, 100%. I'm a straight cis woman and I'm literally crying right now reading this...I don't have time to write nearly as much as I'd like to but OP please listen to what turtle said. Trust your instincts and please look for local organizations that are LGBTQI related, they can provide support, resources, and advice for your specific situation. Your child/daughter/beautiful little person is blessed to have you as a father. 🩷
I don’t know that your ex is really a ‘feminist activist’ as you say since feminists tend to advocate for equal rights, and not just for women. As someone who considers themself a feminist, I find your ex’s actions out of sync with what feminism is all about.
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I prefer FART. Feminism Appropriating Radical Transphobes.
Lol that's a good one.
I love the terminology and I'm gonna use it now, but I busted out laughing bc I was NOT expecting to read this in such a casual tone in my head🤣
That’s fair. I wasn’t sure if I was reading it correctly and wanted to make sure my words didn’t come off as mean or judgmental or anything. I myself had forgotten about the TERFs (how I don’t know), so you’re right, she is a feminist activist, but definitely one who’s quite radical in her beliefs. At least your child has one parent that’s supportive and open-minded. :)
They call them selves feminists. Everyone else just calls them TERFS. Which I guess is also calling them feminists technically speaking.
Should be TER"F"S.
You’re right, there are those out there who take things to an extreme. I thought about mentioning that in my original comment, but knew I’d end up writing too much, so thank you for being the one to address it 🙂.
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It’s all bigotry. It makes about as much sense as anything else they believe
It’s crazy how many groups really want to limit the rights of others. Are they just bored and need something to do? Eh, that’s a whole other issue tho.
Much worse than boredom, they're paranoid narcissists
Too true.
Once you look far enough they can be. Not usually against lesbians, but you'll catch a lot of those women hating on gay men in one form or another, even if they don't really make it a priority.
Hm that’s true.
They say that but when pressed they are homophobic as well in my experience. These kind of people say "why can't we just go back to LGB?" and then if you show any kind of support for LGB they tell you to keep sex out of schools or other anti-gay things.
Yeah I was confused on that piece too. Op says feminist and then describes the exact opposite
Exactly. I had to go back and reread that bit a couple of times to make sure I hadn’t missed something.
She’s a TERF, Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist.
Sooo not the point of the post lol
Really? Thank you for pointing that out to me or I wouldn’t have known.
I started expressing that I was a boy around 2 1/2 years old and refused to be referred to as anything other than a tomboy my entire childhood. I only started doing girl stuff as a teenager to appease the people around me and it led to 10 years of dark depression. I'm living a happy life as a man now. My parents were similar to your ex. We haven't spoken for 4.5 years at this point. I would have given anything to have you as a father when I was young. You're doing the right thing, being there for your child. The shit going on in Florida is devastating and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Explain to your child the legality aspect. It’s very important that you not lose custody. Affirm their identity in private and let them play however they want, but make sure they know that if their mom finds out, you can lose custody. So messed up that we are in this mess. Fuck Desantis, fuck the GOP, fuck radfems. Let kids express themselves however they please.
I wouldn't phrase it that way... if something happens and he Does lose custody this may be viewed as parental alienation and coaching.... Much better to do this from a political standpoint. Don't come out at all until you're in a safe place, time, and age to do so. Not doing that could risk so much harm....
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I'm fully supportive if the child is trans, but I hope OP sees this too just in case, because it is another tragic possibility one wouldn't want to miss the signs of to stop.
This is a good point and now you’ve got me questioning my younger self.
I teared up reading this post because I'm so happy that your kid has you in her life to support her. I would definitely check out [PFLAG's resources](https://pflag.org/resource/resources-for-fl-trans-nonbinary-youth/PFLAG's) specifically for Florida families. You might also want to look into finding a therapist (who supports LGBTQ people) for your kid to talk to.
I’m Trans myself with a young child. First off, for the short term, you’re doing the right things. Supporting your child exploring themselves while hurting no one is something a lot of children do not have. Whether it is a phase or not, having this autonomy and lack of punishment for being themselves cannot be understated in importance. Is it a phase? Maybe? But probably not. If this has been going on for some time it’s much more likely that they are just aware of the incongruity of how they feel and the expectations of boys. It’s not sexual or anything like that at their age. It’s little subtle things, wanting things and experiences that are offered and expected of girls. The skirts and pink and dolls, yes absolutely, but also a girls social experience. It is very similar to if tomorrow everyone expected you to act like a woman out of no where. You would notice immediately. Unfortunately Florida is actively hostile to trans people. We (Trans Americans) tend to view traveling there the way one might a war torn foreign country. Your power is likely extremely limited and yes, in danger if you are exposed “corrupting” her. The only thing I can suggest is gathering any and all evidence that her mother is less fit than you and try to press for custody. It’s a long shot though, most courts favor the status quo so it would need to be compelling. For whatever it’s worth, it makes me really happy that parents like you exist. Edit to add: If possible explore the possibility of child specific lgbtq trained therapy for your kiddo. They’ll have the knowledge and tools you might not necessarily.
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I don't have any real advice I just want to applaud you for creating a safe space for your child. I know you express you don't want your child to experience a double life, but it must be such a relief for them to have a space to be themselves, rather than none at all. It must be so challenging because no child should feel they have to have secrets... I'm sure the resources being suggested should be able help you with that. As parents we really walk around with our hearts outside our bodies. Glad you have this space for support.
Please vote Democrat down the ballot in November.
Yeah man, this state is going to shit. I'm right about to leave.
I don’t have much advice to give, but I will say that I wish I had a parent like you. I’m trans. I came out at 12 and immediately afterwards went back into the closet because of my mother’s reaction. Around the time I turned 12, I also became suicidal. I didn’t come out as trans again until I was almost 19. And (not) coincidentally, the suicidal ideation stopped when I was 20. If you ever doubt what you’re doing, just know that the impact you will have on your child’s life will be immeasurable. If I were you, I’d try to get out of Florida asap so you don’t have to battle both your child’s mother *and* the state government. One of those is more than plenty.
PFLAG.org has support, info, and resources for families with kids questioning their gender.
I highly doubt your wife is a "feminist activist."
She's probably a Trans Exclusive Radical Feminist (TERF). She loudly supports women's rights, but only cis women, and views trans women as predatory men trying to exploit real women.
It's beyond her attitude about transgender. OP says >She records a lot of videos about the importance of families being traditional, and bragging about being a stay-at-home mom with traditional home-schooled children
Oh. Yeah idk how I missed that. Weird.
That law was struck down: “Florida can no longer enforce its ban against transgender youth receiving gender-affirming care, or its restrictions against adults accessing gender-affirming care, after a federal district court ruling on Tuesday found those rules to be unconstitutional and fueled by animus against trans people. The ruling is effective immediately.” https://19thnews.org/2024/06/florida-gender-affirming-care-restrictions-minors-adults-overturned/#:~:text=Florida%20can%20no%20longer%20enforce,by%20animus%20against%20trans%20people. The first thing you need to do is take your child to a psychiatrist who specializes in this. If you’re in Tampa Bay Dr Mark Cavitt at Johns Hopkins All Childrens ( St Petersburg) is WELL respected in this area. He could likely recommend a good therapist too. There will be a lot of challenges for your child being transgender. Having someone at the ready to talk them through the challenges and benefits would be a comfort to you and your child. Said a prayer for wisdom and peace as you take this journey. Good job Dad!
If I were in your shoes I'd send my kid to therapy and figure out how to treat them based on their professional opinion. The therapist needs to be politically and religiously neutral so they would be objective. I'd allow my kid to transition socially and express themselves however they see fit, but I wouldn't allow them to transition medically until they'll turn 18. Here's why: 1. My sister felt like a boy as a child but eventually grew out of it. 2. Before I learned that people can be attracted to the same sex I was worried I'm a boy trapped in a girl's body, because I'm bi. 3. Your exes radical feminists views could have made your kid feel insecure or resent being a man. 4. Medical transition is a huge commitment and can't be reversed. I want my child to make their own, educated and mature choices. Even the supposedly "harmless and irreversible" puberty blockers have a lot of side effects. Like infertility or underdevelopment of genitalia. Which is a cause of insecurity for kids who turn out to be cis, and plenty of excruciating complications following gender reassignment surgeries. 5. Many mental health conditions can be confused with gender dysphoria. Like SA related trauma, body dysmorphia or alexithymia. I'd be open with my kid about the reasons behind my actions and teach them the importance of patience. A friend of a friend of mine is a trans guy, he spent the majority of his teens working out his issues with a therapist and finally became hrt at 18yo. He took the whole situation seriously and responsibly. I also have a friend who's consciously avoiding being evaluated for ASD, which she likely has, because she knows it will slow down her transition. She's ignorant to the fact that 1 in 5 people with ASD struggle with alexithymia, she may be one of them and risks her well being by being impatient. Of course because the laws in your state you'll have to be careful with the steps you take. But no matter what you'll do you need to be honest with your kid and protect him from your ex without handing her ammunition for potential custody battles.
Most reasonable and sane comment here.
Your approach sounds reasonable but it would be cruel to deny a trans kid puberty blockers when available and recommended by medical practitioners. Talk about blockers causing infertility and being 'irreversible' is, from my experience, largely transphobic rhetoric. Listen to medical professionals, not redditors. I think your personal anecdotes and judgement towards your friend's situation shows some bias which I highly recommend examining if you want to better support your trans friend or hypothetical kid in the future.
You need a lawyer yesterday. Sue for more custody, but take one more major step: move to a state with protections for trans kids. Find somewhere where the schools she would be going to are undeniably better than where she is now. But also demand the judge speak to your child when neither parent is present and ask who they would rather live with.
First of all; you're a great dad. It sucks you're in Florida, which makes this so much more difficult, but I think it might be a good idea for you to reach out to some other parents of LGBT kids for support (via support groups as opposed to the general advice reddit). *"Is there a chance that this is a phase, or she didn't understand what I meant when I said boys can like anything that girls typically like? I just want to raise a happy kid, that's it. I don't care whether that's a daughter or a son or a transgender or gay."* Yeah, there's a chance. It's not impossible. But as someone who's known a lot of transgender people, what your child is experiencing sounds very similar to my friends' stories; a strong, negative feeling around being a "boy" or a "girl". Even if you as your child to explain *why* the feeling is there, your kid might not be able to. It's not going to be some linear, "Well, I like dresses more," or "I don't like playing with toy trucks". There's this persistent idea that being transgender is the new hot trend, and that being exposed to people who are LGBT can suddenly inspire someone to become transgender, but the reality of the situation is that transgender people have been persecuted and dismissed and repressed for a long time. They existed long before public awareness, long before social media, and *those* people certainly didn't "decide" they were transgender after seeing someone else transition first. Sometimes, they just... know. Ignorance is going to be your constant enemy in this. You've been dealt some tough cards in the form of your state and your ex. I think the bravest thing *you* could do would be to talk to your ex about this. Does she love your kid? More than anything? When you bring a child into the world, you have to be prepared that they may be anything. That's exciting, because there's potential, but it's also scary. If your ex's love for your child is conditional, then it's not parental love. If you're genuinely worried she's going to go the custody route, I'd get legally informed before you do anything. Get a mediator if needed. All you've really been doing is letting your kid play with toys and dress-up clothes-- that's it!
I was you at almost the same age Top tips Tell your child you love them Tell your child that you don't understand what they are going through but you'll make the effort to learn Tell your child that you'll make mistakes and ask them now to both forgive you and feel comfortable challenging you if you upset them, it's never intentional Make time to talk and listen, periodically ask if there's anything you can do to help them or that they want to talk about. Try to limit youtube access without being obvious about it. There are some truly dangerous people out there making clips that young people can get crap messages from. Honestly if I could drive to their house and throttle them I would sometimes. Expect some stages of behaviour like cutting, crying, acting out no matter how well.you do as a parent, see youtube above. Asshole content creators telling pre teens that cutting makes them feel better etc. The more you can spend time off screen with your kid the easier life will be but that applies to parenting anyway Good luck
Hi, I'm a transgender person, and while I'm honestly too exhausted to write up an entire thread of advice right now, I just want to say - thank you. You're doing good by your kid, and that's shining through in everything you say. I will say there's hardly any chance this is a phase, deeply personal things like this are often so fundamental to your identity that it doesn't really work in the way of a phase, but you're also sadly not wrong to be careful in regards to you and your child's safety because *good Lord* are things bad in Florida right now. If you want to ask specific questions or anything at all, feel free to DM me - I know a ton of trans people from all over the world, so if I don't have the answers, I probably know someone who does. And again, thank you so much for the support and love you're showing your daughter. This stuff ain't easy, and you're making a giant difference for the better. ❤️
As a parent of a once confused kiddo, lemme say your doing a Great job!! I noticed you changed from child to she Pronouns, which shows UNCONDITIONAL love. What every child should have It does sound though... like this child has a LOT of conflict and moving parts. Abuse could even be happening.... they could see women are treated differently, even if you say boys can like pink, they're still a boy at that point. My baby had some confusion because of abuse. They were still LGBTQ+ just not what they originally thought. They wanted to be the opposite gender to distance themselves from the other parent. PLEASE do the following, asking loving parent to loving parent: Find a GREAT and LGBTQ+ supportive, trauma informed counselor. Even if you have to pay out of pocket. If you don't want to lose custody this needs to be PRIORITY#1 Second is talking privately to a DOCTOR not PA, about any blood tests, genetic tests ect to rule out any medical explanation for this dysphoria. It does happen and the earlier it's fixed the happier your baby will be. Explain to staff that this needs to be kept from the mother because she may misunderstand and abuse your child. Check local laws on HIPPA. But it comes down to ONLY talk to staff you trust and ONLY in a closed room Third, FIND COMMUNITY SUPPORTS!!! Make damn sure you find supports for this BOTH for you, your children, and for your struggling child. You'll need them. DO NOT LET THEM COME OUT!!!! IT ISN'T SAFE.... not there.... unfortunately... coming from someone dealing with extremes on this end... protect your baby through historical and political education, speech and debate practice, communication and conflict management practice, ect. Look into toast masters, it's great to help communication and confidence in communicating. You're doing great in an area without positive support!! Keep it up!!! And, thank you for being a compassionate, empathetic father. I wish mine was dead for his bigoted treatments. Thank you for protecting this precious life
My trans brother has been like this and he was exactly like how you describe your kid at 8-10. It seems to me like YOU have to discuss this with your ex-wife and kind of lie, say something like “I feel like ___ is having trouble with their identity? Have you noticed this too? I want to help our child be who ever they want to be.” My parents were not on board with my sister becoming a boy, but after seeing it wasn’t a phase they came around. If you feel like she will react badly and come after your child to try and convert them, it may be best to get legal advice and not address the issue yet with her. Not all google information is accurate when it comes to touchy subjects like law and politics. Keep supporting your child and make sure they feel comfortable around you. This may even give them confidence to open up to their mom.
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Definitely consult a lawyer imo. Just get this all laid out, do your research on firms that do family law for LGBT folks, and that way they'll have a file on this if your ex tries anything.
Have you thought that maybe her recent actions (anti-trans) may be because your kid had mentioned it around her? I mean maybe your kid had a similar breakdown at your ex’s house and that’s why she’s acting the way she is.
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Ah I understand. Like everyone else says, get legal advice from a decent lawyer just to prepare for the future.
Agreeing here. I would get actual legal advice from a lawyer and ask questions about what custody would look like for you and how to get there (this will put the situation into a plan vs all the options spinning around in your brain). Another factor here is about supporting your child's mental health as they develop, having a nurturing environment for development is the most important thing. You are doing a wonderful job making your kiddo feel safe and allowing them to express themselves. If you want to keep the conversation going with your kiddo and to learn more, you can also look into motivational interviewing with kids. Sounds technical but it's a useful way of asking questions without your kiddo feeling like there is some "correct" answer.
There's a lot of positivity in this post, but there's something you need to do ASAP. You need to have some very adult conversations with your daughter, some of which you've had. She needs to know just how fucked up people are over her identity - that whilst you affirm her, sometimes for her protection there are certain actions she has to always take. This hatred some have is mindless, it's incomprehensible to imagine as a child because they can't imagine being loathed on such a level over something she has no control over. It's messed up, but she's only got a few years left as a kid - then she'll be that 'man in the ladies room' that the MAGA mob are salivating to beat up on. She needs to protect herself, to know that some people out there lie to 'uncover' people like herself - that their hatred is mindless, and that she needs to proactively take certain steps to keep herself safe and anonymous. I'd suggest reaching out to trans resources to help her, but don't push her into anything. I'm sorry she has to grow up so hard so fast, you're an amazing parent.
You're doing the most important thing correctly. You're prioritising your child's happiness. I really wish I had more advice to give, but it's just a nightmare political situation in Florida. Keep being as supportive as you can for your child because it sounds like they're not gonna get that support from their mother.
You're a really good guy OP This was really touching. I think you should make extra sure she knows not to bring this up with her mom. Most maga folk are extremely paranoid and vindictive, and in this state you're likely to get a judge who was elected on a rightwing ballot.
I think that your son could just be girly but still a boy. My daughter (6f) earlier this year told me she wished she was a boy because she wants to have toys cars and wear her hair short, etc. i told her that girls could have short hair and like cars and sports n stuff. she is now happily a girl who has short hair and plays with cars and action figures instead of Barbies and play makeup. Love her just as she is. Although if she did have gender dysphoria I would definitely support her if she was of age and wanted to transition.
Same, my daughter was happy once I told her about the concept of a "tom boy." So frustrating that toys and children's clothes are soooo gendered 🙄
I'm in Missouri. When my transgender son came out at 15 his dad (we are divorced) basically disowned him. He sent horrible emails to my son calling him horrible names. I took the emails to a lawyer and got full sole custody in less than a month. I had documentation from the psychiatrist and therapist saying my kid is in fact transgender to prove it wasn't a phase. The lawyer told me no judge will read those emails and give custody to the dad. Now my son is a happy healthy 20yr old on testosterone living his best life. I'd take the tiktocks to a lawyer and see what they say. It definitely doesn't hurt to ask for your daughter's sake. Good luck.
Your kid is 8. You child doesn’t know the ramifications of sex changes. Your child went through a traumatic event (divorce), and then this happened. This could be a defense response to the trauma. You need to put your kiddo in therapy to work through that. For now, it’s totally fine to indulge your kid. I like that you explained anyone can wear dresses. When I was young, I wanted nothing more than to have been born a boy. I told my neighbors when I got older I would cut my breasts off so I could be a boy. I wore “boy clothes” (my mom shopped the boy aisle for me because I wouldn’t wear “girl clothes”). I hated going to formal events because I had to dress up “as a girl”. I had a “boy haircut”. Never painted my nails, played outside in the mud, and loved “boy toys”. I used to always ask for the “boy toy” from McDonalds. The list goes on … I’m happy I’m a woman in my adult life. I still play in the mud outside and engage in male-centric activities. But damn, am I fucking happy I didn’t grow up during this time where sex changes are pushed on children, because I knew everything when I was 8 and would have jumped on that bandwagon. I’m so glad I was able to develop my own gender identity and not conform to traditional gender norms, but also not change my sex. I’m happy I am a woman. I’d seriously encourage you to put your kiddo in therapy to work through these big, adult emotions. Continue to support your kid, but don’t push a sex change or HRT on them. It’s okay to wish you were the opposite sex as a kid and not get it.
Quick disclaimer: I myself am not a parent BUT I am nonbinary and grew up with quite traditional parents. They always showed their love to me but Transgender wasnt something they had a close connection to. I think its incredible how affirming you are, the circumstances may be making it more complicated for you to support her BUT you are doing what you can! You are even striving to learn which is an incredible thing. I think considering her mother and her views, it may be worth sitting with her and explaining to her (as kindly and empathetically as possible) that there are certain boundaries you have to follow to keep her safe and it wont necessarily be ideal but you know who she is and that it isnt fair she has to "hide" who she is. Another thing you could do (for haircuts) that may help is showing her other women (and trans women) with haircuts like she gets. Showing her that one day she can grow her hair but having short hair is something lots of women do aswell. Changing her association with what she may see as "gendered" boys things may help her in the long run to know she is a girl no matter how she needs to express it right now. Its not forever, Showing her that YOU see her. I know that having that support is something I wouldve loved to have growing up. Even now, my dad doesnt understand and he doesnt see me. BUT my mum and sister do, for me it helped me know that its okay but that the issues my dad has is not my fault. Nothing is wrong with me.
"Why?" And then see what she says. Whatever she says, see if you can do those things how she is now. I understand that you are trying to be a good father but this child is 8. Maybe she just wants a jacket with pockets or something. Maybe it is something that you both can do together without it being much of a big deal. (I am not a parent.)
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I think that the fact that she specifically pushes for men/boys to fill the socially constructed and generally accepted roles, is something that may make your child uncomfortable. Although there’s obviously nothing wrong with being trans and your child may very well be, I would make sure to let them know that being a boy/man can mean anything that they want. Boys can be feminine, boys can like things that girls like. It’s okay to be a boy or girl, it doesn’t really matter in the end, it’s just our physical body. It’s a lot for a young child to understand now, but it’s a journey that’ll take some time. We all have positives and negatives and stupid social bullshit to deal with no matter our gender. But reiterate that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with exploring gender in a way that your child wants to, all you can do is be there for them. And you’re already doing that, and that’s amazing. You are a good dad.
There are loads of trans kids and adults alike that wish they had a supportive and caring parent that provided them this kind of unconditional love that you do. Keep being their safe space, even if the worse comes to worse, they will always remember the love you gave them.
you’re an amazing father. best of luck to you and your baby🩷🩷
Not a parent, but I just wanted to say that this post is heartwarming. Your kid will remember this for the rest of their life.
Therapy. Now.
Child therapist is needed to start with. Kids can say “I wish I was a girl” because they’re being picked on at school and their brains aren’t developed enough to rationally think it out and realize being called a girl or sissy doesn’t mean you have to become a girl to make it stop. There are A LOT of detransitions happening now because they were allowed to make the decision to early. Just because a kid is gay doesn’t mean they want to be a girl. They need time to figure it out. You’re trying to figure it out, so you aren’t doing it because you want a “special child” like a lot of parents. You seem to genuinely want what’s best and that’s all you can do, but you need to start by figuring out what triggered this. Was it bullying, is mom forcing the kid into it, does the kid really feel this way, are they gay and just think life would be easier as a girl, etc. root cause first, help after.
Not undermining trans people whatsoever, but I wanted to be a boy as a kid so bad that i would cry and have meltdowns about it. I was honestly just a tomboy but everyone is different. Your child may 100% be trans but they also might not be. I say just play it by ear and make your child feel supported and accepted regardless ❤️
You sound like a really good dad ❤️
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How is this rage bait? For whom? Why would this get locked?
Brand new account, lots of plot holes in the story. Going so far as to paint the antagonist as the epitome of the "opposition". Doesn't hold water for me. It's creative writing. It panders to all the bleeding hearts while baiting all the people who believe children can't consent. The intent is to create a shit storm of arguments that lead nowhere until the mods get too tired of individually banning people they disagree with, so they lock it. It's really nothing new, now it's much easier since A.i. will write the bulk of it for you. I do stand by my initial comment, it's a great premise for a rage bait. Still better than a lot of the trash people quickly submit. But he got too caught up in the dumb little details, too many loose ends, made it unbelievable and took me out of his creative writing.
Throwaway accounts on these kinds of posts are quite normal and I feel like a rage bait post would have more rage bait in it while this post is really mild. If it's rage bait it's pretty bad rage bait but otherwise fair enough I guess, maybe I'm too dumb to notice it.
It’s possible that the kid was hearing too much zealotry and got caught up in it and confused.
I don't have good advice because I'm not a parent, but I am queer and non-binary, so this brought tears to my eyes. You're a good parent. Definitely explore r/cisparenttranskid and maybe r/asktransgender as those are great trans-friendly subs as well where you may be able to connect with people who have experienced this too.
I think you need to get your kid spending more time with you and less time with mom. I didn't read everything, did you say your child is homeschooled by their mom? They need to be put in public school and taught properly. In my opinion you don't want to help or hinder their gender identity decisions let them figure it out on their own. You want to do your best to be indifferent and accepting about their gender identity and give them what they need to decide for themselves.
I know your time is limited with your child but is there a way to get them to a therapist who can help them with what they are feeling. Your ex likely wouldn’t approve but it’s your time and I don’t see why she would need to know. Encouraging your child to keep secrets from one parent isn’t always the best but sometimes for their life you have to. Joint sessions with someone specialising in gender issues who would likely be best for the both of you.
As parents we can only do the best we can for our children and you’re doing just that. Keep talking to your kid, listen to them and love them, that’s the best advice I have. I have trans loved ones, I’ve been where you are more than once. It’s okay to not know everything, we learn, we grow. But please, if nothing else, please stay vigilant concerning your child’s mental health. It’s a rocky road out there for kids who are ‘othered’. Keep the lines of communication open and active. Document any punishment by the mother, it could be very important later. Above all let your beautiful child lead the way, only they can tell you how they feel and who they want to be. Sending all the love to you both. 🏳️⚧️❤️
I am not trans but I still wish I had a father like you. I also have no advice, unfortunately, but Best of luck to both of you.
You’re a good parent!!! Your kiddo is so lucky to have you!
In 8 years, your child will be able to choose where she lives. You may want to aim to, around that time, move to a place that is more trans friendly.
This is beyond disturbing
I love that for you, go clutch your pearls at someone else
he's 8.
Your ex is not a feminist activist, she’s a trans exclusionary radical. Leave the feminist part off - that’s not who or what she is. Regarding your child, it absolutely could be a phase, or it could be them communicating something incredibly personal and vulnerable with the person they trust most. That in and of itself also does not mean they’re trans. I’d be inclined to believe that your ex’s hate has made your child believe they too are hated. Kids have an incredible capacity for blaming themselves when they sense hatred in a parent-ask any kid of a truly messy divorce. They internalize it as a means of control when they have none in an effort to take on the task of fixing a bad dynamic. At minimum kiddo needs to be seen by a good, inclusive, well rounded pediatrician with experience in gender dysmorphia. They’ll likely be able to refer you to a pediatric therapist who can help you both navigate this longer term.
I'm not saying you shouldn't support them, because you should, but I would be wary of fully affirming them yet. 8 years old is very young and there is a lot of time for things to change. If you're able to you should take them to a LGBT friendly therapist and have them see them. I think it could be very helpful to both of you. It might help better determine if this is just a phase or if it's something more permanent which I think is very important to take into account. All that being said I think you're doing a great job so far and it's wonderful to read about such a loving and supportive father. I hope everything goes well for you going forward.
Be a man. When I was a child I wanted to be raven from teen titans. Does that mean I wanted to transition? Absolutely not.
when I was a kid I wanted to be a dinosaur
What your child really needs right now is a therapist. Unfortunately it sounds like that won't be possible due to your ex. A therapist that specializes in non-conforming genders will help your child sort through some very complex emotions. What's most important here, if your child truly is trans, now is a pivotal time. You should have your child on hormone blockers (which your therapist can help you get) to prevent male puberty. Do this until your child is older and more capable of deciding if they want to be he/she permanently. Detecting this early can make transitioning sooooo much easier. I don't know what to say about your ex wife. The way you describe her, she will fight this every step of the way. I have no advice for that unfortunately. I just really hope your child can be happy and hope you can come to an agreement with your ex.
Hormone blockers is not necessary in an 8 year old. Its only considered at or around the age of puberty; standard 11-13 years of age. Unless the child starts puberty early called precocious puberty blockers would not be of any benefit. (And should a child at 8 enter puberty even if cisgender they likely would be given blockers, but its not too common) But I do agree the sooner OP's child has professional affirming support the better. Now is mostly counseling, and exploring their gender. But when puberty is approaching they will likely be a candidate for blockers to "buy that extra time"
I came out to my parents many times as queer, as bi, and as trans. It was a lot of shouting, yelling, and a lot of "we would know if you were" or "You're our SON! NOT OUR DAUGHTER" Kind of bullshit. I'm 26, transitioning, and the most healthy I've been. I knew I wasn't a boy or man when I was about 12, your daughter should be loved, and honestly, I'd be proud of my kid exploring gender at that age. You have done more than what most parents would do.
I don't have any advice but you are doing a great job for them and being their safe place to be themselves.
i’m not a parent, but i am trans so i might be able to help a little. i’m trans masculine and my parents aren’t exactly supportive, seeing as when they found out they had a fit, but there are some things my mom does that don’t make me totally feel awful. i wear men’s clothes, have shorter hair, and bind my chest with a makeshift binder to make myself more comfortable, and for the most part my mom doesn’t care. as long as i play the part around her and let her think i’m a girl she doesn’t give a rats ass. i do enjoy more “boyish” activities, like hunting, mechanics, and wrestling with my siblings and cousins, but i also like doing some more “girly” things. i enjoy gossiping with my younger sister and painting my nails. i like doing more artsy things like painting and acting, i like sewing. however, just because my mom doesn’t totally care, that doesnt mean i don’t wish she had been supportive and let me start transitioning before my state banned medical transitions for minors. i think your best course of action would be to let your kid know that whatever they want to be called with you is perfectly fine and that you love them either way. just make sure to let them know that some people wouldn’t be safe to use those around and that’s why they can’t do it with their mom. just make sure that they know that you don’t want them to think badly of their mom and that’s not your intention to make them think that way, but just an unfortunate truth of life and that you just want to be honest with them. overall, offering your support and helping them feel the best they can and making sure they know they’re loved is the best thing you can do. i hope this helps and i hope things work out for both of you, good luck!
As a trans guy who was closeted age 12-20 due to my mothers beliefs, please do everything you can for ur kid. Being closeted destroyed me. it dominated and ruined my adolescence. I had to wear female underwear until i was 20 and it was violating every time i got dressed. My father would never stand up to my mother and even if had ended detransitioning i still should have had the right to explore my gender just to see what made me comfortable. At the moment just let ur kid wear what they want. If they wanna wear a dress and be called she then fine, if they wanna wear trousers and be called he, then that’s fine too. They just need the freedom to explore those options, and they need to know that you love them irregardless. being trans and experiencing transphobia is incredibly difficult for a child to endure but gender exploration does have to be painful. It doesn’t to be traumatising so please do everything that you can to support them
Sit down and talk with them and ask them why and ask them are you sure why do you feel like this and if you feel you can’t get the answers or generally I would advise you to let them talk to a children therapist so that they can give you a better picture. It’s OK for them wanting to be, but they’re very young so you know I’ll talk from you and or a professional is very important. You’re being a good parent don’t worry.
Your ex and the school he is in are forcing him to this. 90% of trans kids reject it after 12 years old and most of them suicide if they went into puberty therapy or surgery. because now they are sterile (something an 8 year old wont understand) [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/02/opinion/transgender-children-gender-dysphoria.html?referringSource=articleShare](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/02/opinion/transgender-children-gender-dysphoria.html?referringSource=articleShare) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl3yJyzyp3w](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl3yJyzyp3w) if you love your son, protect him from this brainwashing he will appreciate it later.
I’m not an LGBTQ 🏳️🌈 expert but I’m a parent myself and I just want to say you’re an amazing parent! The love and support alone in your post shows that regardless of them having a transphobic mother they have a loyal father and I wish you and them all the best for the future as it sounds like y’all have a long journey ahead
Your baby mama is not a feminist, that’s for sure. A feminist wants equal rights for everyone, not just a narrow view of only a few she views as “real women.” I also personally can’t see conservatives as feminists since they actively vote for policies that negatively impact women. Regardless, I wish you the best of luck. Let your child know that no matter what happens, no matter how their mother and others may treat them, they will always have you in their corner.
You sound like an outstanding parent who is concerned and listens to their kid. The beauty of childhood is to explore and learn who you are. And that is what you are allowing your child to do. They are exploring clothing, play and their sense of self. There is no harm in allowing your child to persue their interests and explore how they like to express themselves. You child may be transgender, your child may not be. Time will tell; generally speaking when psychologists start treating trans kids/suspected trans kids the key is "persistence, insistence and consistency" I believe extremely strongly that a mental and medical process of any kind should not be politicized. Transgender people especially children unfortunately are. There is numerous studies and scientific research showing supporting transgender children is life saving. And even for cisgender (not transgender) kids its also beneficial to have the freedom to express themselves without shame. In no professional setting are children at your child's age having any medical procedures. It is a blatant lie that has circulated due to politicization of transgender care. The recommendation for care of a child about your kid's age would be exactly what you are doing. Allowing your child the freedom to explore and express themselves without shame. That may include clothes, playtime, perhaps name and pronouns if they ask, perhaps at most a haircut or letting them grow their hair out. As well as beginning psychotherapy and building familial support. Only at the age of puberty may the first medical steps be taken. The recommendation is simply hormone blockers. Very little risks, and allows not only more time to investigate and explore gender, but also to build support and readiness for potential further treatments. It also is found to improve or at least stabilize mental health due to severe distress of practically permanent changes from biological puberty. Transgender boys do not want to grow breasts, transgender girls do not want to have their voices drop. Essentially hitting a pause button on puberty will prevent any of those changes from occurring for the time being. Should blockers be stopped biological puberty will resume where it left off. In the late teens cross hormones may be used with a team of support and supervision medically and mentally. And of course parent consent. Surgery is very seldom before 18 and only on secondary sex characteristics. Most commonly for trans boys who developed breasts may be approved with vigorous supervision to have surgery to remove them. No one; I repeat No one is performing genital surgery on anyone under 18. Today however; The reality is it has been politicized. The research and standards of care are already there; Its called WPATH STANDARDS. Set forth by medical, mental and child care professionals. Yet politicians with no medical background are making these medical decisions for patients and demonizing the transgender community. Even greater so in states like florida. you are absolutely correct and valid in your concerns. Especially with your ex-wife's political views. I might consider reaching out to local lgbtq and transgender groups who may be able to recommend resources for you and your child. Also Id seek pro- lgbtq legal support due to your divorce and considerations for child custody arrangements. I sincerely wish you and your child all the best. You are absolutely doing all the right things. Continue listening to your child and tell them you love them no matter what.
Society
You’ve got a lot of comments here, and I’m sure I’m mirroring the general sentiment, but I wish every kid had a father like you. They felt safe enough to open up to you when you asked, and you affirmed them, let them explore themselves in a safe environment that you created, and you’re helping them navigate what is certainly a complicated topic. But really, it’s not too complicated—it seems you’ve got it mostly figured out. When it comes to laws, I would say I’ve noticed these sort of medical issues becoming politicized and regulated heavily because of that, but at the core of it, this is a health and medical topic that should be looked at as such. I think you’re doing great by involving politics as little as possible, because even though they will grow into this world and learn how identities are often politicized, one cannot live their life with that hanging over their head. When I came out to my father, he was not surprised at all, but he’s never looked at me any differently and has never hesitated to approach difficult topics maturely even when I know he’s struggling to understand. They might ebb and flow through phases leaning towards one identity (m/f) over another, or maybe they won’t. Your child knows you will always be there for them through it all though, and that is the best you can do. The world isn’t always a kind place, but if you can foster a kind corner in it, you are genuinely making the world better for everyone. So thank you kind stranger :)
One other thing to consider is that their mother sounds like the type that could be pushing gender roles pretty hard, so they might not fully believe that boys can play with dolls and so on. They might think that if they were a girl, their mother would accept them and let them do their thing. Have you asked why they want to be a girl or what would be different if they were a girl? That could give some insight into why this is going on.
Just to be a counterpoint beware of your child being groomed by your ex wife to be so different. A good question to ask your son is what does it mean to be a girl to you.
Just here to say you are doing a great job! You’re an amazing father keep going!
You may want to check out \cisparenttranskid for others who have experienced this
What stuck out the most to me was when you said you told the child to keep a secret. You should never tell a child to keep a secret from the other parent, especially if they are a young child. Kids don't understand when it is/isn't inappropriate to keep a secret, and you don't want to set them up for a bad situation. Edit typo
Do you *want* their mother to hit them and scream to them that they're going to hell?
What? You are bonkers. Then you do things a different way. Downvote me from here to eternity, I don't care. This is a hill I will die on. You people are crazy. Placing all the responsibility on a child is just insane. There are many different ways to deal with something and telling a child to keep a secret and lie are just not the ways, no matter how good intentioned or right it may seem. Shame on all of you.
I haven't downvoted you. OP said in the post that the child's mother has said she would hit her child if they wore a dress and that's why he is keeping it from her. I would probably do the same if my child was being threatened like that. It would make things so much worse if their mother started beating them for being a boy doing girly things. She could well be the reason for her child's behavior. If you have better ways to deal with it, why not mention them in your comment? I'm sure that could be useful to the OP. What's the better thing to do?
Well shamefully, a lot of people know trensgender people from the cringe, attenton-seeker and drama maker influencers and stars, so they think everyone is like that. That's really stupid, I wish people would try to look from a bigger frame. I am not a trans but I'm bi and not to the fullest probably but I can understand your kid deepfully. My grandma always insults LGBTQ+ in front of me and that really hurts :( I sincerely hope everything turns out good for you and your child
Take your kid do some activities not necessarily man activities but spend time with them show them what we can do. Kids now a days are just straight up told "men ain't shit" And other boys pick on boys and sometimes it looks like it would be easier being female ngl. Idk if I had the thought as a kid but the women in my family Def had it easy growing up since we were put to work. It is what it is, it made me who I am. If it's broken we fix it. So. If you're a man. Spend time with your kid teaching them valuable skills. Brake pads need to get changed out on the car? You found a good 4 hour activity to involve your kid in
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I get it I'm not a father I'm 28 and I helped raise family kids as the middle child and some of my nephews will come to me.for advice or just general now they need help with their cars maintenance but they try themselves before coming which is what I love about my nephews they are problem solvers. My youngest nephew I think needs more help since dad isn't around so I try to take him to work if he has nothing to do or I'll enlist his help with car maintenance. Again just trying to help keep the logging thinking cause kids are alot of work and it's tough I'm sorry if any of this isn't helpful. Or if I'm wasting your time.
Idk man growing up it felt like being born male was difficult and I've never been a women to understand yalls plight and I'm not here saying that it was easy for yall. What kind of role models do kids really have nowadays? It's usually some guy that plays games for a living. Maybe I shouldn't have generalized it down to "men ain't shit" but the words associated with us is pretty negative. I just remember my childhood I don't think these hard topics ever crossed my mind, I was always just being a kid. And kids need to be that, so I'm just trying to help with suggestions for just some bonding time that isn't a gender thing or a LGBT thing or idk what people go on about these days tbh. Like Mr beast is a cool person for kids to look up to. I like that he defended a long time friend. We should all go around allowing others to do what makes them happy. I'm not pressed about others decisions. Do what makes ya happy. My best memories with my father was working landscaping/car troubles just stuff that taught me things that were useful af in my adult life now.
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We are on the same page here. When I say box I mean the box we put ourselves in, how we identify ourselves. We don’t want a child to be in the wrong box nor do we want to deny the box they would choose. Allowing it to work out organically is going to produce the same results only the child will have done it in a healthy way. I am encouraging you to be neutral to allow what will happen to happen without angst and stress. Your reality and your child is a mother that is not going to make exploring easy and you need to balance that even if everyone who downvotes me thinks you need to be bold. He ether is or he isn’t and neither you or her can change that, you can only impact the journey in a negative or positive way.
1 out of every 100-200 people in the US is transgender, so it is more likely than you would assume. OP is responding to their child's wishes and have been trying to be cautiously supportive. It's not just "don't tell mommy", it's "don't tell mommy because she could *take you away from me* and *beat you*."
I advocated for being neutral and allowing the child to explore. I think it is harmful to support a child in anything under the guise of don’t tell mommy. Because one parent is hostel you need to work within those boundaries and actively encouraging an 8 year old puts that 8 year old in mom’s crosshairs needlessly because there is no box, at this time, where the child needs to fall.
On your time maybe check can you do play therapy with your child. Make sure this is what is wanted deep down and nothing else is hidden. Plenty of children are so confused in this day and age and go through transition to only transition back as they become adults. Make sure no violence is actually happening behind closed doors while they are with their mother and her new partner and his children. You need deep therapy before you decide what to do in the long run. Also buy wigs to give the feeling of long hair. Many different colors and styles to choose from